TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE
The weird spelling in this book is mostly intentional, and it has been retained as in the original, this includes inconsistencies in spelling and hyphenation. A few changes to which seemed more likely typographic errors have been made, they are marked with a dotted underline, and the printed text may appear in a “pop-up box” when hovering the cursor on it. The changes are listed at the end of the book.
Titles in the Table ov Kontents do not always correspond exactly to the titles in the main text, this has been retained, but the spelling has been changed in some cases to match the text. Some texts, near the end of the book are printed with no title in the original, this has been maintained too. The List of Illustrations contains some entries for non-existing (in this edition, at least) illustrations and the numbering is not consecutive, this reproduces the printed book as well.
The original printed book was apparently divided into large “sections”, which were marked only as running page headers. In this version the titles for these sections are written between {braces} where they start.
PUBLISHERS’ ANNOUNCEMENT.
Among the many humorists of America, not one is better known, or more readily accorded a high rank by the public, than Henry W. Shaw (Josh Billings). No writer of the present age is so universally quoted from as he. His name is familiar to every tongue, and scarcely a paper in the country appears without more or less space devoted to the sayings of “Josh Billings.” His ready pen seems adapted to all subjects, and he is equally at home, whether writing on the gravest or the most trivial matters.
seem to be prominent characteristics of his productions, while a fountain of the richest wit supplies his pen with humor, and its waters sparkle and glimmer like diamonds upon the paper, as he traces thereon his description of objects in his undisputably original style. His jokes are always clear and perceptible, and his satire, pointed and keen, invariably strikes home.
As laughter is conducive to health, and as nothing is learned so easily and remembered so tenaciously as that with which something pleasant is connected, this volume will prove doubly advantageous, as it consists of matter in which wit and wisdom are so equally mingled, that the reader will rise from its perusal undecided whether he has gained most by its reading, bodily health, or general knowledge.
Thousands are eager to place upon their tables and in their libraries a volume which will be a fair specimen of the writings of this great American humorist, and the publishers of this book take great pleasure in being able to offer them an opportunity to gratify so laudable a desire.
iii
THE COMPLETE WORKS OF JOSH BILLINGS
THE COMPLETE WORKS
OF
JOSH BILLINGS,
(HENRY W. SHAW.)
WITH ONE HUNDRED ILLUSTRATIONS
BY THOMAS NAST AND OTHERS,
AND
A BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION.
REVISED EDITION.
NEW YORK:
G. W. DILLINGHAM CO., Publishers.
MDCCCXCIX.
G. W. CARLETON & CO.
FRANCIS S. STREET, and FRANCIS S. SMITH
[EDITORS AND PROPRIETORS
OF
“THE NEW YORK WEEKLY.”]
MY PATRONS AND FRIENDS,
THIS BOOK
IS
DEDICATED.
vii
TABLE OV KONTENTS.
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
xiiiBIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTION.
ADAPTED FROM THE LONDON EDITION.
In the United States of America a “show” is the generic name comprising every description of entertainment, being equally applied to an equestrian performance, a dramatic company, an operatic concert, a political oration, or a lecture on the geology of the oil district of Pennsylvania. A few years ago, when I did not know America quite so well as I do now, I was asked by Mr. Barnum to meet him on a matter of business at his celebrated Museum on Broadway. Every one who has visited New York and called in at that strangely-jumbled exhibition, will remember a small room on the first landing, with “Mr. Barnum—Private” painted on the door. I don’t know whether any show-case in the Museum was as attractive to the crowds of country visitors as that little room proved to be. Though privacy was written on the post, publicity was ever peeping in at the door. Shrewd, astute, and rusé as Barnum is, none knew better than he that the greatest object of interest in the Museum was himself. Hence he arranged to have his private room immediately in front of the public xiv staircase, with the door always a little open, to pique curiosity, unless really important business required absolute seclusion. In this room, or rather in this glass-case, for its three sides were of glass, like the cases containing the wax-figures and the stuffed animals, Barnum and I met. He conversed about different speculations he had on hand, and various ideas which he wished to carry out. Some of them were very characteristic of the man and his spirit of enterprise. One, was to organize an expedition to the mouth of Davis’s Straits at the proper season, select a very large iceberg, bring it down in the tow of two or three steamers to New York Bay, put a floating fence around it, exhibit the iceberg at twenty-five cents admission, and realize a large profit by making and vending sherry cobblers with ice from the real iceberg! Another idea suggested by the man of many shows was to get the American Minister at the Court of Constantinople to apply to the Sultan for a firman to permit Barnum or his agent to visit the mosque at Hebron, traditionally asserted to be built over the Cave of Machpelah, in which the remains of the patriarchs were buried. “If we could only get the remains of Abraham and bring them to New York!” exclaimed the deus ex machinâ of the Museum, rubbing his hands with delight at the ingenuity of the thought. Then, after a moment’s reflection, and knowing me to be well acquainted with England, he remarked, inquiringly, “What do you think of Spurgeon for a show? Could he be got over here?” To me unused as I then was to American xv can manners, the association of a clergyman with Bartlemy Fair and Barnum’s Museum seemed ludicrously incongruous. Subsequently my experience taught me to believe that some of the preachers of the United States look at their position from the same point of view as did Mr. Barnum in wishing to speculate in Spurgeon.
A “showman,” as well as an author, Josh Billings is now regarded in the cities of the Union. In England we would style him a facetious lecturer, but the lecturing business in America is carried out with all the arts, formulæ and appurtenances of showmanship. There are the large posters, the puff advertisements, the agent in advance, and the lithographs plain or colored, all brought into requisition. It is quite true that if Charles Dickens visited Manchester or Birmingham to read “Doctor Marigold” or “The Christmas Carol,” he also had his agent and his yellow window-bills with the black and red printing; but the window-bill is limited to a size and is printed in a style fitting to the superior class of entertainment; while, in America, the posters of the popular lecturer are as showy and as exciting as those of Van Amburgh with his wild beasts, or the Hanlon Brothers with their feats on the trapeze. Quaintness, however, is an essential requisite in the placard of the facetious lecturer. Artemus Ward used to announce in large letters on the walls that he would “Speak a Piece” at a certain place and on a certain date. Josh Billings announces in a still more mystic manner, strongly reminding the observer xvi of Ruskin’s bizarre, grotesque, enigmatical titles. I have before me, as I write, a printed notice which reads thus:—
JOSH BILLINGS,
On the 7th,
With his
HOBBY HORSE.”
The reader who is anxious to know what Josh Billings means by an advertisement so eccentric in its character can have his curiosity satisfied by turning to page 404 of this work. The chapter is headed “How to pick out a good Horse,” and the caption is assuredly none the more inappropriate or infelicitous than are the titular conundrums of the “Seven Lamps of Architecture,” “Unto this Last,” or “A Crown of Wild Olives.” John Ruskin and Josh Billings understand with equal clearness the value of a title which shall arrest attention by not being too easy of comprehension.
I first heard of Josh Billings several years ago when crossing the Isthmus of Panama by that remarkable railway which connects the Atlantic and Pacific oceans. When Nuñez de Balboa in the olden time had his first peep of the Pacific, and beheld the ocean which no European had before seen, from an eminence which is now a station of the railway, he little thought that in a few centuries hence the steam xvii engine would haul thousands upon thousands of Christians up to the same summit, and allow them to enjoy the same sight at so many American dollars each. Terribly prosaic is this earth becoming! And, despite Schiller and Coleridge, it is scarcely Jupiter who “brings whate’er is good,” or Venus “who brings everything that’s fair.” A locomotive or a steamboat will bring or take you to both; and a railway it was which brought me to know of Josh Billings. The incident was simply this:
Midway on the Panama railway there is a station at which travellers alight while the engineer looks after his supply of wood and water. A beautifully picturesque station it is, looking from it along the road which you have come, or adown that portion of the railway track which you have to go—a luxuriance of tropical vegetation meets the eye, overpowering the mind with the wild profusion of its beauty. Nature seems to revel in a wealth of verdure. Palms, bananas, and trees innumerable of every graceful form tower upwards to the unclouded sky, or arch over the flower-garnished earth. The trunk of each is invisible; for creeping plants of the most delicate growth entwine around the wood, hang in loops from the boughs, connect tree to tree with a lace-work of exquisite elegance and sun-dyed brilliancy, and sway in wreaths of natural arabesque to and fro in the fragrant, moist, and enervating air. The station lies back from the road, and, if I remember rightly, is thatched with palm leaves. As I alighted at it, groups of native New-Grenadians clustered around xviii me, the younger ones being almost in a state of nudity. Some offered me oranges, some bananas, some milk in a green-glass bottle, and one of them wished me to buy a monkey. Pushing through them, I made my way for the station, the sultry atmosphere having rendered me languid and a gentle stimulus being desirable. I expected to find the refreshment department in the care of a native, or, at any rate, of a Spaniard; but the ubiquitous Yankee was master of the premises, and a forlorn ague-stricken, quinine-and-calomel-looking master he seemed to be. His whiskey was something not to be forgotten; nor were his dogs, half a dozen of which were running about the place, the greatest burlesques of the race canine I had hitherto seen. They were all lean, hungry, and wolfish-eyed. Their tails drooped mournfully, as if the seething heat had melted the sinews and softened the bones; they whined peevishly, but bark there was none—their owner required it all to keep the ague away. I had drunk my whiskey, become Christian in my feelings, and was silently pitying the poor animals, when the proprietor of the miserable dog-flesh, stationing himself beside me, and placing his hands on his hips, sententiously observed,—
“Them critturs are the pride of the Isthmus. They’re a pair of the most elegant puppies in this State. Nary one of ’em would flunk out before any dog.”
“They look very cowardly about the tail,” I remarked.
“That’s the way of dogs’ tails on the Isthmus,” xix was his response. “Do you know what Josh Billings says about dogs’ tails?”
I frankly confessed that I did not; adding, that I was profoundly ignorant of Josh Billings, and pleasantly intimating that I supposed him to be one of the guards on the line.
“I guess you haven’t read the papers lately,” continued my new acquaintance, as though pitying my ignorance. “Josh Billings knows that there are some dogs’ tails which can’t be got to curl no ways, and some which will, and you can’t stop ’em. He says, that if you bathe a curly-tailed dog’s tail in oil and bind it in splints, you cannot get the crook out of it; and Josh, who says a sight of good things, says that a man’s way of thinking is the crook in the dog’s tail, and can’t be got out, and that every one should be allowed to wag his own peculiarity in peace.”
That my Yankee acquaintance was partial to Josh Billings, and that anything which related to dogs was congenial with his tastes, I furthermore ascertained by noticing two scraps of paper posted on the rough wall of his cabin. I copied both. One was in prose and the other in rhyme. Here is the prose one:—
“Dogs are not vagabones bi choise and luv tew belong tu sumbody. This fac endears them tew us, and i have alwas rated the dog az about the seventh cusin tew the human specious. Tha kant talk but tha can lik yure hand; this shows that their hearts iz in the plase where other folks’ tungs is.—Josh Billings.”
xxThus it was that I first heard of Josh Billings. In the course of my voyage from Aspinwall to New York, while seated on the deck of the steamer, listening to the drolleries of a group of very convivial passengers, and gliding along the coast of Cuba in the brightness, sheen, and splendor of a tropical night, I heard many of his best things recited, and his name frequently quoted as that of one who had already taken his place in American literature. Oliver Wendell Holmes I had known for years, Artemus Ward was a household name in California, James Russell Lowell had become a familiar acquaintance through the “Biglow Papers;” but who was Josh Billings? I asked my compagnons de voyage, but all they knew of him was that he was a very clever fellow who had written some very clever things. Whether he lived in New York State, Pennsylvania, Vermont, or Missouri, no one could tell me, nor could I get any satisfactory information as to the journal in which his articles had first appeared, what his antecedents were, or whether the name attached to his writings was that of his parentage and christening, or merely a whimsical nomme de plume.
Long after my arrival in New York the mystery remained unsolved. I applied to literary friends for its solution, but all they seemed to know was that various smart things had run the round of the papers with the signature of “Josh Billings” to them, but in what paper they had originated or by whom they were written none could give me information. My friend George Arnold, a well-known wit of xxi the New York Leader, knew of my anxiety. Meeting me one day at Crook and Duff’s Restaurant, the mid-day rallying point of most of the genial spirits of New York, he drew me aside and gravely asked—
“Have you found out yet who Josh Billings is?”
“I have not,” I answered. “Do you know?”
“Yes; but keep it dark. Only five of his friends have been let into the secret. It would not do to let the world know. His position would be damaged.”
“Who is it?” I demanded eagerly. “Is it Hosea Biglow under a new name?”
“No; somebody better known.”
“Horace Greeley?” I suggested, interrogatively.
“No. A still greater man. Can’t you guess?”
“Really, I cannot. Don’t keep me in suspense. Tell me.”
“The author is ——” and my friend paused—“the author of Josh Billings is none other than—President Lincoln!”
My informant made the communication so gravely, that for the moment I believed it; especially as some few days previous, being down in Washington, I had occasion to know that Barney Williams, the actor, was summoned to the White House on a Sunday afternoon, that he spent some hours with the President, and that on his return in the evening to Willard’s Hotel he assured me that the President had beaten him in telling funny stories, and had said the drollest things he had heard for many a day. That my information was nothing more than a hoax the xxii reader will readily suppose; but I felt bound to “pass it on” to my acquaintances, with a like injunction to secresy, until at length I had the amusement of hearing that it had reached the ears of Mr. Lincoln, who laughed heartily at the joke, and pleasantly observed that his shoulders were hardly broad enough to bear the burdens of the State, without having to carry the sins of all its wits and jesters.
Time passed on and business called me to take a trip one day up the Hudson River to the pleasant little town of Poughkeepsie. What a quiet, charming little town it is, those who have visited it can well remember. I selected the steamer Armenian for my trip up the river. The Rhine of America never was seen to more advantage than it was on that bright summer’s day, and Poughkeepsie never looked fairer than as I saw it from the middle of the stream. I landed at a town on the left bank, crossed the river, went down to Poughkeepsie by rail, and arrived there late in the evening, I knew of only two staple products of the place, and they were—whiskey and spiritualism. The whiskey I tasted, and the spiritualism I went in search of in the person of Andrew Jackson Davis, the Swedenborg of the United States, whose books on the unseen world have been introduced to the British public by Mr. Howitt. A kindly Poughkeepsian volunteered to conduct me to where the great mysticist had lived; but I found, to my disappointment, that he was then absent from the town. To console me for my ill-luck, in not being able to see so great a celebrity, my guide soothingly xxiii observed that there was another great writer resident in and belonging to Poughkeepsie.
“Who is he?” I asked.
“Why, Josh Billings!” was the reply.
Eureka! I had found him. I had unearthed my game at last and discovered my eremite in his mystic seclusion. I lost no time in inquiring who Josh Billings was and where he lived.
“His name is Shaw—Henry W. Shaw. He’s an auctioneer, and I’ll show you the way to his house,” volunteered my friendly guide.
We went to the house; but like Mr. Davis, Mr. Shaw was not at home. All that I could then learn about him was that he belonged to Poughkeepsie, that he had been the Auctioneer of the town for many years, that he was by no means a young man, that his address for the general public was “Box 467” at the Post-office, that he was a very business-like person, and that he wrote articles for the newspapers, as well as sold property by auction and acted as agent for the transfer of real estate. The reader will therefore fully comprehend how much Mr. Shaw felt himself to be in his element while writing the chapter headed “Advertizement,” in which he offers
“To sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars a pallas, a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks of the Hudson river, kontaining 85 acres. Walls ov primitiff rock, laid in Roman cement, bound the estate, while upward and downward, the eye catches far away, the magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As the young moon hangs xxiv like a cutting of silver from the blue brest of the ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with golden tiptoes on the green. (N. B. The angel goes with the place).”
Better fortune led me at last to meet Mr. Shaw in New York City. We were introduced to one another at Artemus Ward’s Mormon entertainment on Broadway. I found a man rather above the middle height, sparse in build, sharp in features, his long hair slightly turning gray, and his age between forty and fifty, reserved in manner, a rustic, unpolished demeanor, and looking more like a country farmer than a genial man of letters or a professed wit and a public lecturer on playful subjects. I can vouch for his geniality, for, on the evening of our first meeting, we adjourned from Dodworth Hall to the St. Denis Hotel opposite, and, in the company of a few friends, spent a mirthful hour or two. The night was bitter cold; but warm sherry, excellent Bourbon, and jovial spirits made the bleak wind which whistled up Broadway from the Bay, as melodious as the music of lutes.
Mr. Shaw informed me that he was born in the State of Massachusetts, town of Lanesboro, county of Berkshire, and came from Puritan stock. He said that his father and grandfather both had been members of Congress, and each one had left so pure a political record, that he himself had never dared to enter the arena of politics. His first literary efforts in the comic line were published in the country papers of New York State; many of them first attracted attention in the columns of the Poughkeepsie Daily xxv Press. In America a popular author has much more scope for gaining publicity and popularity than he has in England. The newspapers of the Union are always ready to receive pithy paragraphs from clever men, and to attach the authors’ name to them. The great secret of the popularity of Artemus Ward and of Josh Billings is simply that which the late Albert Smith of England so well understood years ago, never to publish any article, however trivial or lengthy, without the signature or the initials of the writer to it. A smart, terse, pungent paragraph inserted with the author’s real or assumed name attached, in one of the journals of the United States, soon finds its way from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and from the Gulf of St. Lawrence to the Gulf of Mexico. With comparatively little trouble, except to worry his brains for comic ideas—no slight trouble, nevertheless—the wit of the Western world soon gains notoriety, if not fame. His racy article of a few lines is copied into paper after paper, until his name becomes familiar in all the cities of the Union. This accomplished, a new field of enterprise opens up. Some speculative man in New York or Boston thinks what a good and profitable enterprise it would be to engage the funny man whose printed jokes circulate everywhere, engage to give him so much per month for a year or two, have some large woodcuts engraved, some showy posters struck off, some smart advertisements written, halls taken throughout the country, and the man of many jokes made to retail them all over the land at an admission fee varying from one xxvi dollar down to twenty-five cents. Only a few years ago the business of joking in public—the joker himself appearing before the audience—was pretty well confined to the clown of the circus and the “middle-man” and “end-man” of the negro minstrel troupe. Things change rapidly across the Atlantic, and at the present day the clown in motley and the minstrel in burnt-cork have their vocation superseded by the facetious lecturer, dressed in evening costume, travelling with gaudy show-bills, and having a literary as well as an oratorical reputation. Not a single writer on “Punch” or “Fun,” if he had been trained in America and had written there, but would have thrown the desk aside for the rostrum long ago. Simply to write is not excitement enough for your ardent American, if he can enjoy the applause of an audience, and make dollars at the same time, merely by being the mouthpiece of his own jokes.
Bowing to the fate of nearly all comic men in his native country, Mr. Shaw was ferreted out in his Poughkeepsie home, and urgently solicited to accept an engagement as a public lecturer. He tried the experiment in the Athenæums and Lyceums of his own State, and succeeding, followed up his new calling until now he is recognized as an established, legitimate, and lucrative “show,” having his proper value in the market, and is assigned status on the rostrum. He travels over the United States with his Lectures, entitled, “Hobby Horse”—“Specimen Brix”—“Sandwiches”—“What I kno about Hotels”—etc., and is making money more rapidly than ever he did xxvii with the hammer of an auctioneer. Many good stories are told of him. One is that being in Washington, and asked by a politician there relative to his opinion of Thaddeus Stevens, of Pennsylvania, who opposed President Johnson so hotly in the Government, and who figured as a thoroughly ultra-radical, Mr. Shaw replied, “Give me leave to recite a little dream I had last night. I fancied that I was in the lower regions, and while engaged in conversation with the proprietor, an imp announced that Thad Stevens was at the door desiring admission. Old Nick promptly and emphatically refused him entrance on the ground that he would be continually disturbing the peace and order of the place. The imp soon returned, saying that Thaddeus insisted on coming in, declaring that he had no other place to go to. After much deliberation, Old Nick’s face suddenly brightened with a new idea, and he exclaimed, ‘I’ve got it. Tell the Janitor to give him six bushels of brimstone and a box of matches, and let him go and start a little place of his own.’”
Having described who Josh Billings is, it may be fitting to add a few words relative to his writings and their position in the comic literature of America. Fun is indigenous to the soil, it wells up from the Western prairie, sparkles in the foam of Niagara, springs up in the cotton-fields of the South, and oozes out from the paving-stones of the cities of the North. The people of the United States are fun-loving and fun-makers. Of the peculiar character of the fun a word or two may be written presently. There is xxviii always some popular man wearing the cap and bells, and reflecting the humor of his land. At one period the author, whom all the papers quote, is Sam Slick, Doesticks, then John Phœnix, then Major Downing, then Artemus Ward, then Orpheus C. Kerr, and then Josh Billings. As fast as one resigns the position, another takes his place—“Uno avulso non deficit alter.” During the war, joking went on at a faster pace than ever, and even those who did not esteem President Lincoln for his patriotism valued him immensely for his jokes. The jingle of the bells in the hand of Momus and the clank of the sabre attached to the waist of the modern sons of Mars, were ever mingled throughout the long and fiercely-contested conflict.
Take a little of Martin Farquhar Tupper, and a little of Artemus Ward, knead them together, and you may make something which approaches to a Josh Billings. That Mr. Shaw aspires to be a comic Tupper is evidenced in the various chapters headed “Proverbs,” “Remarks,” “Sayins,” and “Afferisims.” That he has had Artemus Ward before him is demonstrable by comparing the chapter in which “Josh Billings Insures his Life,” with Artemus Ward’s celebrated paper, entitled “His Autobiography.”* But Artemus is great in telling a story, having an imaginative power to conceive an accident, plan the action of a piece of drollery, invent an odd character, and describe his creation with infinite humor and force. The talent of Mr. Shaw is of xxix another kind. He is aphoristically comic, if I may use the phrase. He delights in being ludicrously sententious—in Tupperizing laughingly, and in causing an old adage to appear a new one through the fantastic manner in which it is dished up. He is the comic essayist of America, rather than her comic story-teller.
His first book was issued May 19, 1866, in New York, by George W. Carleton, the publisher of Artemus Ward’s Works, and was entitled “Josh Billings, His Book.” This volume had a large sale, and was followed in July, 1868, by a new work entitled “Josh Billings on Ice.” But his greatest success, in a literary line, was the publication of
of which the New York Tribune, in 1875, says:—
“Several years ago Mr. Carleton, the publisher was seized with the belief that a burlesque of the popular almanac, such as the “Old Farmers’ Almanac,” to which New England pinned its meteorological faith, would be remunerative. He suggested the idea first to “Artemus Ward,” afterwards to “Orpheus C. Kerr,” and next to “Doesticks,” but none of them thought favorably of it. An arrangement was at last made with “Josh Billings,” and so the “Allminax” came about. Nearly 150,000 copies were sold the first year, 1870, and almost as many since, and though the retail price is only a quarter of a dollar, Mr. Shaw is said to have received nearly $5,000 the first year, and over $30,000 in all.”
It has been said of Josh Billings by one of the xxx critics of his own land that “His wit has no edge to betray a malicious motive; but is rather a Feejee club, grotesquely carved and painted, that makes those who feel it grin while they wince. All whom he kills die with a smile upon their faces.” In directing his shafts against humbug, pretension, and falsity he worthily carries out the true vocation of the comic writer. Many authors there are who write funnily merely to amuse. There is always a higher purpose peeping out from among the quaint fancies and odd expressions of Josh Billings. Just inasmuch as America is prolific of humorists and satirists, does she require them. The bane and the antidote grow in the same garden.
Were it not for the satirists of America—of whom Josh Billings is one as well as a humorist—it is difficult to imagine to what ludicrous eccentricities the people would lend themselves. Too self-sufficient to listen to argument, they are keenly sensitive to ridicule, and a little of Josh Billings is more effective in doing good than the best sermon a foreign friend could preach them. Burlesque their salient, amiable weaknesses—that is, let them be burlesqued by one of their own people, not by a foreigner—and they at once see the point of the joke. In illustration of this, there was a paper in Cincinnati which was very much given to use the phrase, “this great country,” and carried the use of it to an unwarrantable extent. It ceased to do so when the following appeared in a neighboring journal:—
“This is a glorious country! It has longer rivers xxxi and more of them, and they are muddier and deeper, and run faster, and rise higher, and make more noise, and fall lower, and do more damage than anybody else’s rivers. It has more lakes, and they are bigger and deeper, and clearer, and wetter than those of any other country. Our rail-cars are bigger, and run faster, and pitch off the track oftener, and kill more people than all other rail-cars in this and every other country. Our steamboats carry bigger loads, are longer and broader, burst their boilers oftener, and send up their passengers higher, and the captains swear harder than steamboat captains in any other country. Our men are bigger, and longer, and thicker, can fight harder and faster, drink more mean whiskey, chew more bad tobacco, and spit more, and spit further than in any other country. Our ladies are richer, prettier, dress finer, spend more money, break more hearts, wear bigger hoops, shorter dresses, and kick up the devil generally to a greater extent than all other ladies in all other countries. Our children squall louder, grow faster, get too expansive for their pantaloons, and become twenty years old sooner by some months than any other children of any other country on the earth.”
Burlesques, such as the above, whether written by Artemus Ward or Josh Billings, have not been without their good effect in the United States. The genius of “hifaluten” as the Americans call it—the word is derived, I believe, from “hyphen-looping”—has received many mortal wounds lately from the hands of the satirists and good results have ensued.
xxxiiThe writings of Josh Billings cannot be read with out exciting mirth, without sometimes hitting home, nor without the reader becoming satisfied that America has added to her humorous authors one in every way well qualified to take foremost rank.
For real side-shaking fun, the reader may turn to many pages of this volume and find a copious supply; but, if he is desirous of humor and pathos allied, let him turn to the chapter on “The Fust Baby,” page 383. He will there find that, underlying the caustic wit of Josh Billings, and a stratum or two deeper than his quaint fun, is a quiet layer of genuine feeling capable of comprehending and of originating the power to express the very poetry of pathos. The “fust baby” born “on the wrong side of the garden ov Eden” is invested in this humorous essay with all the interest which babyhood is susceptible of acquiring.
There is little that remains to be said relative to Mr. Shaw, except to express the opinion that he has taken a very worthy position among the authors of his own country, and is likely to become a general favorite in England in his character of “Josh Billings.” Some of his latest papers were contributed to the New York Saturday Press, under the head of “Cooings and Billings,” with a commendatory notice by the editor of that paper, Henry Clapp, jun., whose name is not altogether unknown to the literary men of London and of Paris.
KONTENTMENT.
Kontentment is the gift ov God, as it kan be cultivated a little, but it is hard tew acquire. Kontentment is sed to be the same az happiness, this ackounts for the small amount ov happiness laying around loose, without enny owner. I don’t beleave that man was made tew be kontented, nor happy in this world, for if he had bin, he wouldn’t hav hankered enuff for the other world.
When a man gits perfektly kontented, he and a clam are fust couzins.
Contentment iz a kind ov moral laziness; if thare want ennything but kontentment in this world, man wouldn’t be any more of a suckcess than an angleworm iz.
When a man gits so he don’t want ennything more, he iz like a rackcoon with his intestines full ov green corn.
Contentment iz one ov the instinkts, i admit it tew be happiness, but it iz kind ov spruce gum chawing happiness.
We all find fault with Adam and Eve, for not being kontented, but if they had bin satisfied with the gardin ov Eden, and themselfs, they would hav been living thare now, the only two human beings on the face ov the arth, az innocent as a couple of vegetable oysters.
They would hav bin two splendid specimens ov the handy work ov God, elegant portraits in the vestibule ov heaven, but they would not hav developed reazon, the only God-like attribute in man.
34When a man iz thoroly kontented, he iz either too lazy to want ennything, or too big a phool tew enjoy it.
I hav lived in naberhoods whare everyboddy seemed to be kontented, but if the itch had ever broke out in them naberhoods, the people would have skratched to this day.
PERFEKTLY SATISFIED.
I am in favor of all the vanitys, and petty ambishuns, all the jealousys and backbitings in the world, not bekauze i think they am hansome, but bekauze I think they stir up men, and wimmin, git them onto their muscle, cultivating their venom and reazon at the same time, and proving what a brilliant cuss man may be, at the same time that it proves what a miserable cuss he iz.
I had rather see two wimmin pull hair, than tew see them set down, thoroughly satisfied with an aimless life, and never suffer eney excitement, greater than bleeding tears together, through their noze, for a parcel of shirtless heathen on the coast ov Madagaskar, or, once in a while, open their eyes, from a dream ov young hyson contentment tea, tew sarch the allmiknak, for the next change in the moon.
Contentment, in this age of the world, either means death, or dekay, in the days ov Abraham, contentment was simply ignorance.
The world iz now full ov larning, the arts, and sciences, and all the thousand appliances ov reazon, these things 35 make ignorance the exception, and no man haz a right tew cultivate contentment, enny more than he haz tew cut oph hiz thum, and set quietly down, and nuss the stub.
Show me a thoroughly contented person, and i will show yu an useless one.
What we want iz folks who won’t be kontented, who kant be kontented, who git up in the morning, not simply to hav their bed made, but for the sake ov gitting tired; not for the sake ov nourishing kontentment, but for the sake ov putting turpentine in sum ded place, and stiring up the animals.
Contentment was born with Adam, and died when Adam ceased tew be an angel, and bekum a man.
I don’t say that a man couldn’t be hatched out, and, like a young owl, set on a dri limb, awl hiz days, with hiz branes az fasst asleep az a mudturkles, and at last sneak into heaven, under the guize of kontentment, but i do say, that 10 generashuns ov sich men would run most of the human race into the ground, and leave the ballance az lifeless, and az base, as a currency made out ov puter ten cent pieces.
I would like jist az well az the next man, tew crawl into a hole, that jist fitted me, hed fust, and thus shutting out all the light, be contented, for i know how awfully unsothening the aims, and ambishuns ov life are, but this would only be burying mi few tallents, and sacrificing on the ded alter ov kontentment, what war given me, to make a fire or a smudge with.
Thare aint no sich thing as contentment and reazon existing together; thoze who slip out ov the crowd, into sum alley, and pretend they are chawing the cud of sweet kontentment, the verry best specimens ov them, are no better than pin cushions, stuck full.
They have jist az menny longings az ennybody, they have jist az menny vices, their virtews are too often simply a mixtur ov jealousy and cowardice.
Contentment is not desighned, as a stiddy bizziness, for the sons ov man, while on this arth.
36A yeller dogg, with a tin kittle tew his tale, climbing a hill, at a three minit gate iz a more reazonable spektacle for me, than a slimy snail, contented and happy.
MARRIAGE.
Marriage iz a fair transaction on the face ov it.
But thare iz quite too often put up jobs in it.
It iz an old institushun, older than the pyramids, and az phull ov hyrogliphicks that noboddy kan parse.
History holds its tounge who the pair waz who fust put on the silken harness, and promised tew work kind in it, thru thick and thin, up hill and down, and on the level, rain or shine, survive or perish, sink or swim, drown or flote.
But whoever they waz they must hav made a good thing out ov it, or so menny ov their posterity would not hav harnessed up since and drov out.
Thare iz a grate moral grip in marriage; it iz the mortar that holds the soshull bricks together.
But there ain’t but darn few pholks who put their money in matrimony who could set down and giv a good written opinyun whi on arth they cum to did it.
This iz a grate proof that it iz one ov them natral kind ov acksidents that must happen, jist az birds fly out ov the nest, when they hav feathers enuff, without being able tew tell why.
Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake; this iz lucky.
Sum marry for money, and—don’t see it.
Sum marry for pedigree, and feel big for six months, and then very sensibly cum tew the conclusion that pedigree ain’t no better than skimmilk.
Sum marry tew pleze their relashuns, and are surprized 37 tew learn that their relashuns don’t care a cuss for them afterwards.
Sum marry bekauze they hav bin highsted sum whare else; this iz a cross match, a bay and a sorrel; pride may make it endurable.
Sum marry for love without a cent in their pocket, nor a friend in the world, nor a drop ov pedigree. This looks desperate, but it iz the strength ov the game.
If marrying for love ain’t a suckcess, then matrimony iz a ded beet.
Sum marry bekauze they think wimmin will be skarse next year, and liv tew wonder how the crop holds out.
Sum marry tew git rid ov themselfs, and diskover that the game waz one that two could play at, and neither win.
Sum marry the seckond time to git even, and find it a gambling game, the more they put down, the less they take up.
Sum marry tew be happy, and not finding it, wonder whare all the happiness on earth goes to when it dies.
Sum marry, they kan’t tell whi, and liv, they kan’t tell how.
Almoste every boddy gits married, and it iz a good joke.
Sum marry in haste, and then set down and think it careful over.
Sum think it over careful fust, and then set down and marry.
Both ways are right, if they hit the mark.
Sum marry rakes tew convert them. This iz a little risky, and takes a smart missionary to do it.
Sum marry coquetts. This iz like buying a poor farm, heavily mortgaged, and working the ballance ov yure days tew clear oph the mortgages.
Married life haz its chances, and this iz just what gives it its flavour. Every body luvs tew phool with the chances, bekauze every boddy expekts tew win. But i am authorized tew state that every boddy don’t win.
But, after all, married life iz full az certain az the dry goods bizziness.
38No man kan swear exackly whare he will fetch up when he touches calico.
Kno man kan tell jist what calico haz made up its mind tew do next.
Calico don’t kno even herself.
Dri goods ov all kinds iz the child ov circumstansis.
Sum never marry, but this iz jist az risky, the diseaze iz the same, with no other name to it.
The man who stands on the bank shivvering, and dassent, iz more apt tew ketch cold, than him who pitches hiz hed fust into the river.
Thare iz but phew who never marry bekauze they won’t they all hanker, and most ov them starve with slices ov bread before them (spread on both sides), jist for the lack ov grit.
Marry yung! iz mi motto.
I hav tried it, and kno what i am talkin about.
If enny boddy asks yu whi yu got married, (if it needs be), tell him, yu don’t reccollekt.
Marriage iz a safe way to gamble—if yu win, yu win a pile, and if yu loze, yu don’t loze enny thing, only the privilege ov living dismally alone, and soaking yure own feet.
I repeat it, in italicks, marry young!
Thare iz but one good excuse for a marriage late in life, and that iz—a second marriage.
FASHION’S PRAYER.
Kind Fortune may thi mersys endure forever; smile thou out ov thi loving eyes upon this fine bust ov mine.
Strengthen mi husband, and may hiz faith and hiz money hold out to the last.
Draw the lamb’s wool ov unsuspicious twilight over hiz 39 eyes, that mi flirtashuns may look to him like viktorys, and that mi bills may strengthen hiz pride in me.
Bless, oh! Fortune, mi crimps, rats, and frizzles, and let thi glory shine upon mi paint and powder.
When i walk out before the gaze ov vulgar man, regulate mi wiggle, and add nu grace tew mi gaiters.
Bless all dri goods klerks, milliners, manty-makers and hair-frizzers, and give immortality to Lubin and hiz heirs, and assighns forever.
Lead me bi the side ov colone waters, and fatten mi calves upon the bran ov thi love.
Blister, oh! Fortune, with the heat ov thi wrath, the man who treds upon the trail ov my garments.
Take mi two children oph from mi hands, for they bother me, and take them to be thi children, and bring them up to suit thiself.
When i bow miself in worship, grant that i may do it with ravishing elegance, and perserve unto the last the lily-white ov mi flesh, and the taper ov mi fingers.
Smile thou graciously, oh! Fortune, upon mi nu silk dress, now in the hands of the manty-maker, and may it fit me all over like unto, as the ducks foot fitteth the mud.
Destroy mine enemys with the gaul ov jealousy, and eat thou up with the teeth ov envy, all thoze who gaze at mi style.
Save me from wrinkles, and foster mi plumpness.
Fill both mi eyes, oh! Fortune, with the plaintive pizon ov infatuashun, that i may lay out mi viktims, the men as knumb-images graven.
Let the lily, and the roze, strive together in mi cheek, and may mi nek swim like a goose on the buzzum ov krystal waters.
Enable me, oh Fortune, to wear shoes still a little smaller, and save me from all korns, and bunyons.
Bless Fanny mi lap dog, and rain down bezom ov destruckshun upon thoze who would hurt a hair ov Hektor mi kitten.
Remove far from me all the wails of the sorrowful, and 40 shield mi sensitiff natur from the klamours ov the widder.
Shed the light ov thi countenance on mi kammel’s hair shawl, and mi necklace ov dimonds, I beseech thee.
Enable the poor to shirk for themselfs, and save me from all missionary beggars.
I hav always ben a friend to thee, oh Fortune, therefore bless me for ever, and ever.
THE BIZZY BODY.
I don’t mean the industrious man, intent, and constant in the way of duty, but he who, like a hen, tired ov setting, cums clucking oph from the nest in a grate hurry, and full ov sputter, az fat spilt on the fire; scratching a little here, and suddenly a little thare; chuck full ov small things, like a ritch cheeze; up and down the streets, wagging around evry boddy, like a lorst dorg; in and out like a long-tailed mouse; az full ov bizzness az a pissmire, just before a hard shower; more questions tew ask than a prosekuting attorney; az fat with pertikulars, az an inditement for hog stealing; as knowing az a tin weathercock.
This breed ov folks do a small bizznes on a big capital, they alwus know all the sekrets within ten miles, that aint worth keeping, they are a bundle of faggot fakts, and kan tell which sow in the neighborhood haz got the most pigs, and what Squire Benson got for marrying hiz last couple.
41All ov this iz the result ov not knowing how to use a few brains to advantage, if they only knew a little less they would be fools, and a little more would enable them to tend a fresh lettered gideboard, with credit to themselfs, and not confusion to the travellers.
The Bizzy Body iz az full ov leizure az a yearling heifer, hiz time, (nor noboddy else’s) aint worth nothing to him, he will button hole an auctioneer on the block, or a minister in the pulpit, and wouldn’t hesitate tew stop a phuneral procession to ask what the corpse died of. They are az familiar with every boddy az a cockroach, but are no more use to you, az a friend, than a sucked orange.
Theze bizzy people are of awl genders—maskuline, feminine and nuter, and sumtimes are old maids, and then are az necessary in a community as dried herbs in the garret.
One bizzy old maid, who enjoys her vittles, and dont keep a lot ov tame kats for stiddy employment, is worth more than a daily paper; she iz better than the “Cook’s Own Book,” or a volume of household receipts, and works harder and makes more trips every day than a railroad hoss on the Third avenue cars.
The bizzybody iz generally az free from malice az a fly; he lights on you only for a roost, but iz always az unprofitable to know, or to hav ennything to do with, az a jewelry peddlar.
Thare are sum ov the bizzy folks who are like the hornets—never bizzy only with their stings. Theze are vipers, and are to be feared, not trifled with; but my bizzybody has no gaul in his liver; his whole karackter iz his face, and he iz as eazy to inventory az the baggage of a traveling colporter.
They are a cheerful, moderately virtuous, extremely patient, modestly impudent, ginger-pop set ov vagrants, who have got more leggs than brains, and whose really greatest sin iz not their waste ov facultys, but waste ov time. But time, to one ov theze fellows, flies as unconscious az it duz tew a tin watch in a toy shop window.
42They are welcomed, not bekauze they are necessary, but bekauze they aint feared, and are soon dropt, like peanut shells, on the floor.
Thare iz no radikal cure for the bizzybody, no more than thare iz for the fleas in a long-haired dogg—if yu git rid ov the fleas yu hav got the dogg left, and if yu git rid ov the dogg yu hav got the fleas left, and so, whare are you?
Bizzyness and bissness are two diffrent things, altho they pronounce out loud similar.
But after all i don’t want tew git shut ov the Bizzy people; they are a noosanse for a small amount, but sumboddy haz got to be a noosanse, and being aktive about nothing, and energetically lazy, iz no doubt a virtuous dodge, but iz 10 per cent better than counterfitting, or even the grand larceny bizziness. Thare iz one thing about them, they are seldum deceitful, they trade on a floating capital, and only deal in second-hand articles; they haint got the tallent to invent, they seldum lie, bekauze their bizziness don’t require it; thare iz stale truth enuff lieing around loose for their purpose.
Don’t trust them only with what you want to have scattered, they will find a ready market for every thing that a prudent man would hesitate tew offer, and they always suppoze they are learned, for they mistake rumors, skandals, and gossip for wisdum.
It iz a sad sight to see a whole life being swopped off for the glory of telling what good people don’t love to hear, and what viscious ones only value for the malice it contains. I should rather be the keeper ov a rat pit, or ketch kats for a shilling a head to feed an anaconda with.
FASTIDIOUSNESS.
Fastidiousness iz merely the ignorance ov propriety. I hav saw people who had rather die and be buried than say bull. They wouldn’t hesitate tew say male cow. 43 If the thoughts are pure and the language iz chaste, it will do tew say almoste ennything.
FASTIDIOUSNESS.
The young lady who, a fu years ago, refused tew walk akrost a potato field, bekauze the potatoze had eyes, ran away from home, soon afterwards, with a jewelry pedlar.
Fastidiousness, az a general thing iz a holyday virtew, and i hav frequently notissed that thoze individuals who are alwus afrade they shal cum akrost sumthing hily improper, are generally looking for it.
Fastidiousness and delikasy are often konfounded, but thare iz this difference—the truly delikate aint afrade tew take holt ov things that they are willing tew touch at all with their naked hands, while the fastidious are willing tew take holt ov enny thing with gloves on.
Delikasy iz the coquetry ov truth; fastidiousness iz the prudery ov falsehood.
LOVE.
Love iz one ov the pashuns, and the most diffikult one ov all tew deskribe.
I never yet hav herd love well defined.
I hav read several deskripshuns ov it, but they were written 44 by thoze who were in love, (or thought they waz), and i wouldn’t beleave such testimony, not even under oath.
Almoste every boddy, sum time in their life, haz bin in love, and if they think it iz an eazy sensashun tew deskribe, let them set down and deskribe it, and see if the person who listens tew the deskripshun will be satisfied with it.
I waz in love once miself for 7 long years, and mi friends all sed i had a consupshun, but i knu all the time what ailed me, but couldn’t deskribe it.
Now all that i kan rekolekt about this luv sikness iz, that for thoze 7 long years i waz, if enny thing, rather more ov a kondem phool than ordinary.
Love iz an honorabel disseaze enuff tew hav, bekauze it iz natral; but enny phellow who haz laid sik with it for 7 long years, after he gits over it, feels sumthing like the phellow who haz phell down on the ice when it iz verry wet—he dont feel like talking about it before folks.
FEAR.
Sum pholks think fear iz the result ov edukashun, but i dont.
I notiss that thoze who are edukated the most, and thoze who are edukated the least, are troubled with fear just alike.
Fear and courage are instinkts.
A man who iz a koward iz born so, and, when he iz full ov skare, hiz hare on hiz hed will git up on end, I dont kare how mutch edukashun yu pile on top ov it.
The gratest kowards in the world are the men ov the most genius—they are the most silly kowards.
One ov theze kind ov men will quake with fear when a mouse knaws in the wainskote at night, but they will face an earthquake next day with composure.
I dont kno ov a more terrible sensashun than fear; it iz deth when it exhausts itself and ends in despair.
45I am a grate koward miself, and beleave i waz born so, and yet thare is nothing which i despize so mutch as kowardice.
I would give all the other virtews i hav got (provided i hav got enny), and throw in a hundred dollars in munny besides, for an unlimited supply ov courage.
I would like tew hav courage enuff tew face the devil himself, if he waz the least bit sassy tew to me.
I am satisfied that courage iz an instinkt, for i notiss all the animal kreashun hav it well defined.
BUTY.
Buty iz a very handy thing tew hav, espeshily for a woman who aint hansum.
Thare iz not mutch ov enny thing more diffikult tew define than buty.
It iz a blessed thing that there ain’t no rules for it, for the way it iz now, every man gits a hansum woman for a wife.
Thare iz grate power in female buty; its viktorys reach klear from the Garden ov Eden down to yesterday.
Adam waz the fust man that saw a butiful woman, and waz the fust man tew acknowledge it.
But beauty in itself iz but a very short-lived viktory—a mere perspektive to the background.
Thare aint noboddy but a butterfly kan liv on buty, and git phatt.
When buty and good sense jine each other, yu hav got a mixtur that will stand both wet and dry weather.
I hav never seen a woman with good sense but what had buty enuff tew make herself hily agreeable; but i hav seen 3 or 4 wimmin in mi day who hadn’t sense enuff tew make a good deal ov buty the least bit charming.
But, az i sed before, thare ain’t no posatiff rule for buty, and i am dredful glad ov it, for every boddy would be after 46 that rule, and sumboddy wouldn’t git enny rule, besides running a grate risk ov gitting jammed in the rush.
Man buty iz a awful weak komplaint—it iz wuss, if possible, than the nosegay disseaze.
If there iz sitch a thing az a butiful man on earth, he haz mi simpathy. Even mithology had but one Adonis, and the only accomplishment he had waz tew blatt like a lamb.
FAITH.
Faith iz the rite bower ov Hope.
If it want for faith, thare would be no living in this world. We couldn’t even eat hash with enny safety, if it want for faith.
Human knowledge is very short, and don’t reach but a little ways, and even that little ways iz twilite; but faith lengthens out the road, and makes it light, so that we kan see tew read the letterings on the mile stuns.
Faith haz won more viktorys than all the other pashuns or sentiments ov the heart and hed put together.
Faith iz one ov them warriors who dont kno when she iz whipped.
But Faith iz no milksop, but a live fighter. She dont set down and gro stupid with resignashun, and git weak with the buty ov her attributes; but she iz the heroine ov forlorn Hope—she feathers her arrows with reazon, and fires rite at the bull’s eye ov fate.
I think now if i couldn’t hav but one ov the moral attributes, i would take it all in faith—red hot faith I mean; and tho i mite make sum fust rate blunders, i would do a rushing bizzness amung the various dri bones thare iz laying around loose in this world.
47BRANES.
Branes are a sort ov animal pulp, and by common konsent are suppozed tew be the medium ov thought.
How enny boddy knows that the branes do the thinking, or are the interpreters ov thought, iz more than i kan tell; and, for what i kno, this theory may be one ov thoze remarkable diskoverys ov man which aint so.
Theze subjeks are tew mutch for a man ov mi learning tew lift. I kant prove any ov them, and i hav too mutch venerashun tew guess at them.
Branes are generally supozed tew be lokated in the hed, but investigashun satisfys me that they are planted all over the boddy.
I find that a dansing master’s are situated in hiz heels and toze, while a fiddler’s all center in hiz elbows.
Sum people’s branes seem tew be placed in their hands and fingers, which explains their grate genius for taking things which they kan reach.
I hav seen cases whare all the branes seemed tew kongregate in the tounge; and once in a grate while they inhabit the ears, and then we hav a good listener, but theze are seldum cases.
Sum times the branes ain’t enny whare in partikular, but all over the boddy in a minnit. These fellows are like a pissmire just before a hard shower, in a big hurry, and alwus trieing tew go 4 different ways tew once.
Thare seems tew be kases whare thare aint enny branes at all, but this iz a mistake. I thought i had cum akrost one ov theze kind once, but after watching the pashunt for an hour, and see him drink 5 horns ov poor whiskey during the time, i had no trouble in telling whare hiz branes all lay.
I hav finally cum tew the konclushun that branes, or sum thing else that iz good tew think with, are excellent tew hav: but yu want tew keep yure eye on them, and not let them phool away their time, nor yures neither.
48SPRING AND BILES.
Spring came this year az mutch az usual, hail butuous virgin 5000 years old and upwards, hale and harty old gal, welcum tew York State, and parts adjacent!
Now the birds jaw, now the cattle holler, now the pigs skream, now the geese warble, now the kats sigh, and natur is frisky, the earnest pissmire, the virtuous bed-bug, and the nobby cockroach, are singing Yankee Doodle, and “coming thru the rhi.” Now may be seen the muskeeter, that gray outlined critter ov destiny, solitary and alone, examining his last year’s bill, and may now be heard, with the naked ear, the hoarse shanghigh, bawling in the barnyard.
Kittens in the doorway, the pupys on the green, neighbor chats with neighbor, and the languid urchin creeps listless toward the school. These things are all fust rate in their place, but spring brings pesky biles, and plants them carelessly, sometimes among the maiden’s charms, and sometimes among the young men’s. I kan tork like a preshure poet about biles, just now, for i have one in full bloom growing on me, almost reddy to pick, az big az an eggplant, and az full ov anguish az a broken heart.
Biles are the sorest things ov their size on reckord, and az kross tew the touch az a setting hen, or a dog with a fresh bone. Biles alwus pick out the handyest place on youre boddy tew bild their nest, and if you undertake tew brake them up, it only makes them mad, and takes them longer tew hatch out. Thare aint no sutch thing az coaxing, nor driving them away. They are like an impudent bed bug, they won’t move till they hav got their fill.
Biles are az old az religion. Job, the proffit, waz the first champion ov biles, and he iz currently reported tew hav more biles, and more pashunce, to the square inch, than enny one, two very rare things to be found, in enny man.
Biles and pashunce! i should as soon think ov mixing courting and muskeeters together, for luxury.
49I hav got a grate deal more faith than i hav pashunce, but i hain’t got enough faith in biles. I wouldn’t trust a bile, even on one ov mi boots.
I think faith iz a better artikle than pashunce. Faith sumtimes iz an evidence ov brains, and pashunce quite often iz only numbness, but i don’t thinkin these smoothe shod times it iz best to have too mutch capital invested in either ov them.
But i am out ov the road. I must git back onto biles agin.
If a fellow begins tew wander, and git out ov the straight and narrow path, it is curious how quick he will begin to go to the——. Biles are very sassy; sumtimes when yer go to set down, they will get between yer and the chair; this iz one evidence ov their ill-breeding, and i had one once plant herself on the frunt end of mi nose, which was a most remarkabel piece ov bad manners, for there iz no room on mi noze ennywhere fora bile, for when it iz even ebb tide with mi noze, it covers half ov mi face. Biles are sed tew be helthy, and i guess they am, for i hav seen sum helthy old biles, az big az a hornet’s nest, and az full ov stings. I always want to be helthy—i am willing tew pay the highest market price for a good deal ov helthy—but if i had to hav 2 biles on me, awl the time, in order to be helthy, i should think that i was bulling the market.
There iz one more smart thing about biles; they are like twins; they hardly ever cum singly, and i hav known them to throw double sixes.
What! twelve biles on one man at a time! This is wus than fighting bumblebees with your summer clothes on.
Biles are sed, by the edukated and correkt spellers ov the land, to be an operashun ov natur tew git rid ov sumthing which she wants to spare. This is so without doubt, but it don’t strike me az being a very polite thing in natur, tew shov oph her biles onto other folks. I say, let evry boddy take care ov their own biles.
But say aul yer kan about biles, call them all the mean 50 names current amung fishmungers, revile and persecute, and spit on them, groan, grin and swear when they visit yer, hit them over the head and set on them if yer pleaze, there iz a time in their career when they concentrate aul the pathos ov joy that a man haz on hand to spare, and that iz—when they bust!
CONSULTING YOUR DOCTOR ON BILES.
This iz bliss, glory, and revenge on the haff shell. A man leans back in rektified comfort, az innocent and az limber az a mermaid.
This pays for the fretful nights and nervous days while the bile haz been hatching. Exit Biles.
TIGHT BOOTS.
I would jist like to kno who the man waz who fust invented tite boots.
He must hav bin a narrow and kontrakted kuss.
If he still lives, i hope he haz repented ov hiz sin, or iz enjoying grate agony ov sum kind.
I hav bin in a grate menny tite spots in mi life, but generally could manage to make them average; but thare iz no sich thing az making a pair of tite boots average.
Enny man who kan wear a pair ov tite boots, and be humble, and penitent, and not indulge profane literature, will make a good husband.
51Oh! for the pen ov departed Wm. Shakspear, to write an anethema aginst tite boots, that would make anshunt Rome wake up, and howl agin az she did once before on a previous ockashun.
Oh! for the strength ov Herkules, to tare into shu strings all the tite boots ov creashun, and skatter them tew the 8 winds ov heaven.
Oh! for the buty ov Venus, tew make a bigg foot look hansum without a tite boot on it.
Oh! for the payshunce ov Job, the Apostle, to nuss a tite boot and bles it, and even pra for one a size smaller and more pinchfull.
Oh! for a pair of boots bigg enuff for the foot ov a mountain.
I have been led into the above assortment ov Oh’s! from having in my posseshun, at this moment, a pair ov number nine boots, with a pair ov number eleven feet in them.
Mi feet are az uneazy az a dog’s noze the fust time he wears a muzzle.
I think mi feet will eventually choke the boots to deth.
I liv in hopes they will.
I suppozed i had lived long enuff not to be phooled agin in this way, but i hav found out that an ounce ov vanity weighs more than a pound ov reazon, espeshily when a man mistakes a bigg foot for a small one.
Avoid tite boots, mi friend, az you would the grip of the devil; for menny a man haz caught for life a fust rate habit for swareing bi encouraging hiz feet to hurt hiz boots.
I hav promised mi two feet, at least a dozen ov times during mi checkured life, that they never should be strangled agin, but i find them to-day az phull ov pain az the stummuk ake from a suddin attak ov tite boots.
But this iz solemly the last pair ov tite boots i will ever wear; i will hereafter wear boots az bigg az mi feet, if i have to go barefoot to do it.
I am too old and too respektable to be a phool enny more.
52Eazy boots iz one of the luxurys ov life, but i forgit what the other luxury iz, but i don’t kno az i care, provided i kan git rid ov this pair ov tite boots.
Enny man kan hav them for seven dollars, just half what they kost, and if they don’t make his feet ake wuss than an angle worm in hot ashes, he needn’t pay for them.
Methuseles iz the only man, that i kan kall to mind now who could hav afforded to hav wore tite boots, and enjoyed them, he had a grate deal ov waste time tew be miserable in, but life now days, iz too short, and too full ov aktual bizzness to phool away enny ov it on tite boots.
Tite boots are an insult to enny man’s understanding.
He who wears tite boots will hav too acknowledge the corn.
Tite boots hav no bowells or mersy, their insides are wrath, and promiskious cussing.
Beware ov tite boots.
THE LAM AND THE DOVE.
The lam iz a juvenile sheep.
They are born about the fust ov March, and menny ov them die just az soon az green peas cum.
Lam and green peas are good, but not good for the lam.
Lam are innosent az shrimps, they won’t bight, nor skratch, nor talk sassy.
They don’t kno mutch, only to skip, turn summersets on the grass, kik up their heels, pla tag, plauge their mothers and hav phun generally.
I luv the lam, i even luv them after they bekum mutton, i luv lams ov all kinds, i had rather hav one lam than 4 wolfs. This may look like oddness in me, but it iz mi sentiments enny how.
Mary had a little lam. I wish i had a little lam, and if i had a good deal ov lam it wouldn’t diskourage me.
53Mary waz a good girl—an ornament tew her sekt.
Mary’s lam waz a good lam—an ornament tew hiz or her sekt, i don’t remember which.
It iz plezant tew reflekt that theze things are stubborn fakts.
When a lam gits thru being a lam, they immejiately bekum a sheep. This takes all the sentiment out ov them.
There ain’t mutch poetry in mutton.
Sheep are mutton.
Mutton iz sumtimes prekarious.
When youth and innosense ov enny kind groze old, it loozes most all ov its lamness.
This fakt iz too well known tew require an affidavid.
The lam iz an artikle ov trade, az well as diet, they are wuth from four tew 10 dollars, ackording tew the way things am.
It iz strange that so mutch innosense az the lam iz possessed ov should be for sale.
It iz jiss so with most all the innosense and purity in this world—it iz too often brought to the shambles.
I suppoze if i could hav mi way, the lam would stop growing when he got to be about 8 weeks old; but then, cum tew think ov it, this would make mutton awful skarse.
It would also make lams dredful plenty.
It would also inkrease wolfs much, for i hav alwus notissed since i begun bizzness in this world that just in perposhun az lams got numerous, wolfs got numerous ackordin.
The lam haz a short tail. Their tails are not short bi natur, but short bi desighn.
During their early lamkinness, in an unsuspekting moment, and quicker than litening, their dorsal elongashun iz nipt in the bud.
Not to be mistaken in this matter, and tew plase the responsibility jist whare it belongs, lam’s tails are kut oph bi man.
This iz a mean thing for man to do, but man iz capable ov doing dredful mean things, jist bekauze he iz a man.
54Man aint satisfied tew leave ennything in this world az he phinds it.
Lams are ov the mail and femail perswashun.
THE LAM AND DUV.
Thare are none ov the animals, that i kan remember ov now, that are ov the nuter gender except the mule.
I hav often seen men ov the nuter jender. If yu don’t beleave this, cum down whare i liv and i will point them out to you.
The femail lam iz the dearest little package ov innosense and buty known to natralists.
A femail lam iz mi pride and hope. I luv the whole entire congregashun ov them. The mail lam soon gits ruff. They hav horns which burst out ov their heds, and when they git advanced in the journey ov life, theze horns are a hard thing tew kontradicket.
I hav seen an aged mail lam knock a 2-hoss waggon into splinters with one blo ov their horns.
This iz terrible if true.
The mail lam when he arrives at hiz majority iz called a ram.
The lam iz kivvered from childhood with a softe coating called wool, from whitch cloth iz sed to be made, and also from whitch yarn iz sed to be spun.
There iz a grate deal ov yarn spun in this world that has no wool in it; theze yarns are called phibs.
55Phibs are not konsidered feroshus. A phib iz a lie painted in water kullers.
Thare haz been more phibs in market since the formashun ov man than thare haz been truth.
Phibs are often ingenious, sometimes quite pretty, but are alwus dangerous.
Phibs are sumtimes a grate deal more plauzable than truth.
Look out for them.
Phibbers hav been known tew bekum liars, just az hot lemonade drinkers, with a leetle port wine in it just for effekt, hav been known tew bekum our most reliable whiskee drinkers.
THE DUV.
The duv iz the lam amung birds.
They are az harmless az a dandy lion.
They don’t do enny hard work, but eat oats and bill and coo.
They luv each other like a nu married kupple.
The duv alwus hav a good appetight; they will eat from dalite tew dark and seem tew be sorry they didn’t eat sum more.
They are a long lived burd, and like the bumble bee, are the biggest when they are born.
I never knu a duv tew la down, and di ov old age.
They are very thrifty, they will inkrease phaster than the multiplikashun table.
They are like the meazles, if yu hav them at all, yu hav got tew hav a good menny ov them.
The duv haz existed a long time, and was one ov Noahs pets, when he sailed.
The fust duv he sent out ov the ark brought bak an olive 56 branch, and the next time he sent her out, she didn’t bring bak enny thing.
She even forgot tew cum bak herself.
Noah had but one pair ov each breed ov duvs in the ark, and the one he sent out, and the one he had on hand, must hav found each other, this explains the lov, and effekshun, ov the duv.
The duv iz more ornamental than useful.
They are too inosent tew be very useful.
Sumtimes too mutch inosense interferes with bizzness.
I hav known half a dozen duvs tew git into a pie together, and make themselves useful for a fu minnitts.
I don’t hate duv pies.
The duv hav alwuss been a kard tew define inosense.
The bible tells us, “to be az wize az a sarpent, but harmless as a duv.”
This iz fust rate advice, but it means live bizzness.
Enny boddy who iz az wise az a sarpent, kan afford tew be az harmless az a duv.
The rite mixtur ov duv and sarpient in a man’s natur iz a good dose.
If a man haz got too much snaik in him, he iz liable tew overdo things, and if he haz got too mutch duv in him, he aint apt tew cook things enuff.
The duv iz a homemade kritter; they are as effeckshionate as a cockroach iz.
The nearer they kan liv tew whare man duz, the more they are apt tew do it.
Lams and duvs hav a grate menny weak points; but i wouldn’t like enny better phun than tew liv whar thare want ennything else but duvs and lams. But this place aint laid down on enny of the maps in this world.
Hawks and wolfs hav made the duv and lam trade dredful unsartin.
I guess, after all, that the evil things in this life help tew make the good things more desirable, and all things that are natral must be right, be they lam, duv, wolf or sarpient.
57THE OLD BACHELOR.
A chronick old bachelor iz invaribly ov the nuter gender, i don’t care how mutch he may offer tew bet that it ain’t so.
They are like dried apples on a string, want a good deal ov soaking before they will do to use.
I suppose thare iz sum ov them who hav a good excuse for their nuterness; menny ov them are too stingy tew marry; this iz one ov the best excuses i kno ov, for a stingy man ain’t fit to hav a nice woman.
Sum old bachelors gits after a flirt, and kan’t travel az fast az she duz, and then konklude all the female group are hard tew ketch, and good for nothing when they are ketched.
A flirt iz a tuff thing to overhaul, unless the right dog gits after her, and they are the eazyest ov all tew ketch, and often make the best ov wives.
When a flirt really falls in love, she iz az powerless az a mown daizy.
Her impudence then changes into modesty, her cunning into fear, her spurs into a halter, and her pruning-hook into a cradle.
The best way to ketch a flirt iz to travel the other way from which they are going, or set down on the grass and whissell sum lively tune till the flirt cums round.
Old bachelors make the flirts, and then the flirts git more than even, by making the old bachelors.
A majority ov the flirts get married finally, for they have a grate quantity ov the most dainty titbits ov woman’s natur, and alwus hav shrewdness tew back up their sweetness.
Flirts don’t deal in poetry and water grewel; they hav got tew hav brains, or else sumboddy would trade them out ov their capital at the fust swop.
Thare iz sich a thing (i hav bin told bi thoze who know sum more ov theze things than i do,) az old bachelors being manufackterd out ov dissapointed love.
This iz a good deal az sensible, az a man’s staying put in 58 the cold all night, on the wrong side ov a river, bekauze he haz made up hiz mind tew ford it, in jist sich a place whare he knows the water iz over hiz hed, when if he would go a little further up or down the creek, he would find the crossing easy, and a sweet little critter, with outstretched hands to beckon him acrost.
Dissapointed luv must ov course be all on one side, and this ain’t enny more excuse for being an old bachelor than it iz for a man tew quit all kind ov manual labor, jist out ov spite, and jine a poor house, bekauze he kant lift a ton at one pop.
Old bachelors, others tell us, are made so bekauze they fear the burden ov a family.
This would be a good excuse if there waz enny truth in it; the fackt iz, if such men had a family, they would be the grasshoppers themselfs that the bible speaks ov, as weighing so mutch to the pound.
An old bachelor will brag about hiz freedum to you, hiz relief from anxiety, hiz independance. This iz a dead beat past ressurrection, for evryboddy knows there ain’t a more anxious dupe on earth than he iz. All hiz dreams are charcole sketches, ov boarding-school misses; he dresses, greases hiz hair, paints hiz grizzly mustash, cultivates bunyons and corns, tew pleese hiz captains, the wimmin, and only gits laffed at for hiz pains.
I tried being an old bachelor till i waz about twenty years old, and cum very near dieing a dozen times. I had more sharp pain in one year than i have had since, put it all in a heap; i waz in a lively fever all the time.
If a man haint got ennything in hiz natur but vanity and self-love, he iz very apt tew want to be an old bachelor, and generally makes a good specimen ov the critters; but what more disgusting traits can a man have than these?—and thare iz no stronger argument in favor ov gitting married than the fackt that thare aint nothing that will kure theze komplaints so thoroly az a wife and fifteen or twenty babes.
There iz only one person who haz inhabited this world thus 59 far, that i think could hav bin an old bachelor and done the subjekt justiss, and he waz Adam; but since Adam saw fit to open the ball, i hold it iz every man’s duty to selekt a partner, and keep the dance hot.
HORNS.
In writing the biographi ov horns, i am astonished tew find so menny ov them, and so entirely different in their pedigree and pretenshuns.
“Cape Horn.”—Cape Horn iz the biggest horn known to man.
It iz a native ov the extreme bottom ov South Amerika, and gores the oshun.
Cape Horn iz hollow, and akts az a phunnell for the winds, which hurry thru it in mutch haste, cauzing the waters ov the sea for a grate distance tew bekum crazy, which frightens the vessells that go by thare, and makes them rare and pitch tremenjus.
This horn iz like a sour old bull in the hiway, and dont seem tew be ov enny use, only tew make folks go out ov their way tew git round it.
“Horn ov a dilemma.”—Dilemma iz derived from the siamese verb “diloss,” which means a tite spot, and haz a horn on each end ov it.
Thare iz no choice in theze two horns; if yu seize one ov them the other may perforate yu, and if yu dont take either both of them may pitch into you.
I always avoid them if possible, but when possibility gives out, mi rule iz tew shut up both eyes, and fite both prongs with mi whole grit.
Nine times out ov ten this will smash a dilemma, and it iz alwus a good fite if yu git licked the tenth.
Yu kant argy or reason with the horn ov a dilemma, the only way iz tew advance in and fight for the gross amount.
“Cow’s Horn.”—Two bony projeckshuns, curved, crooked 60 or strate, worn bi the cows on the apeks of their heds, for ornament in times ov peace, and used when they go into war tew stab with.
Theze horns are a kind ov family rechord.
At three years old a ring appears on the bottom ov the horn next tew the hed, and each year after a fresh ring iz born.
In this way the cows kno how old they are.
IN A HORN.
Sumtimes theze rings fill up the whole horn and grow off onto the adjoining fences in the pasture lot, but this only happens tew very old cows.
I never knu it tew happen in mi life, and I dont think it ever did, it iz one ov them venerable lies that are handed down from father to son, just tew keep the stock ov lies from running out.
When I waz a boy and had just begun tew chew tobacco, i waz told that butter cum from the cow’s horn—I hav since found out that this iz another cussed old lie. This lieing tew children iz no evidence ov genius, and iz sowing the seeds ov decepshun in a soil too apt bi nature tew covet what aint undoubtedly so.
“Dinner-Horn.”—This is the oldest, and most sakred horn thare iz. It iz set tew musik, and plays “Home, Sweet Home” about noon. It has bin listened tew, with more rapturous delite, than ever Graffula’s band haz. Yu kan hear it further than yu kan one ov Mr. Rodman’s guns. It 61 will arrest a man and bring him in quicker than a sheriff’s warrent. It kan outfoot enny other noize. It kauzes the deaf tew hear, and the dum tew shout for joy. Glorious old instrument! long may yure lungs last!
“Ram’s Horn.”—A spiral root, that emerges suddenly from the figure hed ov the maskuline sheep, and ramafies untill it reaches a tip end. Ram’s horns are alwus a sure sighn ov battle. They are used tew butt with, but with out enny respekt to persons. They will attak a stun wall, or a deakon or an established church. A story iz told ov old deakon Fletcher ov Konnektikutt State, who waz digging post holes in a ram pasture on hiz farm, and the moshun ov hiz boddy waz looked upon, by the old ram, who fed in the lot, az a banter for a fight.
Without arrangeing enny terms for the fight, the ram went incontinently for the deakon, and took him, the fust shot, on the blind side ov hiz boddy, jist about the meridian.
The blow transposed the deakon sum eighteen feet, with a heels-over-hed moshun.
Exhasperated tew a point, at least ten foot beyond endurance, the deakon jumped up, and skreamed his whole voice * * * “yu darned—old cuss,” and then all at once remembering that he waz a good, piuz deakon, he apologized by saying—“that iz, if I may be allowed the expresshun.”
The deakon haz mi entire simpathy for the remarks made tew the ram.
“Whisky Horn.”—This horn varys in length, but from three to six inches iz the favorite size.
It iz different from other horns, being ov a fluid natur.
It iz really more pugnashus than the ram’s horn; six inches ov it will knok a man perfekly calm.
When it knoks a man down it holds him thare.
It iz either the principal or the sekond in most all the iniquity that iz travelling around.
It makes brutes of men, demons of wimmin and vagrants of children.
It haz drawn more tears, broken more hearts and blited 62 more hopes than all the other agencys of the devil put together.
“Horn Comb.”—This simple little unsophistikated instrument haz beheaded countless legions ov innocent children.
I don’t mean that it haz cut oph their heads, but that it haz cut its way thru the hirsute embossing that adorns their skalps.
It haz two rows of sharp teeth, and always haz a good appetite.
It iz always az ready for a job az a village lawyer, and iz az thorough az a sarch warrent.
It iz an emblem of faith and neatness.
When it gits old and looses its teeth it should be cherished, hung up and labeled, “Well done old mouser.”
I always look upon an old and worn out horn tooth comb with a species ov venerashun, bordering on melankolly. It reminds me ov mi boyhood, and the boyish things that waz running through mi head in thoze days ov simplicity and innocence.
Thare iz a grate menny other kinds ov horns, but I haint got the time to tell yu all about them now. Thare iz the “Powder Horn,” the “Horn ov the Bull Head,” and the “Horn ov Plenty;” and there iz also “Horn Tooke,” a celebrated writer ov hiz day; but good-by for the present.
KISSING.
I hav written essays on kissing before this one, and they didn’t satisfy me, nor dew I think this one will, for the more a man undertakes tew tell about a kiss, the more he will reduce his ignorance tew a science.
Yu kant analize a kiss enny more than yu kan the breath ov a flower. Yu kant tell what makes a kiss taste so good enny more than yu kan a peach.
Enny man who kan set down, whare it is cool, and tell how 63 a kiss tastes, haint got enny more real flavor tew his mouth than a knot hole haz. Such a phellow wouldn’t hesitate tew deskribe Paridise as a fust rate place for gardin sass.
The only way tew diskribe a kiss is tew take one, and then set down, awl alone, out ov the draft, and smack yure lips.
If yu kant satisfy yureself how a kiss tastes without taking another one, how on arth kan you define it tew the next man.
I hav heard writers talk about the egstatick bliss thare waz in a kiss, and they really seemed tew think they knew all about it, but these are the same kind ov folks who perspire and kry when they read poetry, and they fall to writing sum ov their own, and think they hav found out how.
I want it understood that I am talking about pure emotional kissing, that is born in the heart, and flies tew the lips, like a humming bird tew her roost.
I am not talking about your lazy, milk and molasses kissing, that daubs the face ov enny body, nor yure savage bite, that goes around, like a roaring lion, in search ov sumthing to eat.
Kissing an unwilling pair ov lips, iz az mean a viktory, az robbin a bird’s nest, and kissing too willing ones iz about az unfragant a recreation, az making boquets out ov dandelions.
The kind ov kissing that I am talking about iz the kind that must do it, or spile.
If yu sarch the rekords ever so lively, yu kant find the author ov the first kiss; kissing, like mutch other good things, iz anonymous.
But thare iz such natur in it, sitch a world ov language without words, sitch a heap ov pathos without fuss, so much honey, and so little water, so cheap, so sudden, and so neat a mode of striking up an acquaintance, that i consider it a good purchase, that Adam giv, and got, the fust kiss.
Who kan imagin a grater lump ov earthly bliss, reduced tew a finer thing, than kissing the only woman on earth, in the garden of Eden.
Adam wan’t the man, i don’t beleave, tew pass sich a hand
64I may be wrong in mi konklusions, but if enny boddy kan date kissing further back, i would like tew see them do it.
I don’t know whether the old stoick philosophers ever kist enny boddy or not, if they did, they probably did it, like drawing a theorem on a black board, more for the purpose of proving sumthing else.
I do hate to see this delightful and invigorating beverage adulturated, it iz nektar for the gods, i am often obliged tew stand still, and see kissing did, and not say a word, that haint got enny more novelty, nor meaning in it, than throwing stones tew a mark.
I saw two maiden ladys kiss yesterday on the north side ov Union square, 5 times in less than 10 minnitts; they kist every time they bid each other farewell, and then immediately thought ov sumthing else they hadn’t sed. I couldn’t tell for the life ov me whether the kissing waz the effekt ov what they sed, or what they sed waz the effekt ov the kissing. It waz a which, and tother, scene.
Cross-matched kissing iz undoubtedly the strength ov the game. It iz trew thare iz no stattu regulashun aginst two females kissing each other; but i don’t think thare iz much pardon for it, unless it iz done to keep tools in order; and two men kissing each other iz prima face evidence ov deadbeatery.
Kissing that passes from parent to child, and back agin seems to be az necessary az shinplasters, to do bizzness with; and kissing that hussbands give and take iz simply gathering ripe fruit from ones own plumb tree, that would otherwise drop oph, or be stolen.
Tharefore i am driv tew konklude, tew git out ov the corner that mi remarks hav chased me into, that the ile ov a kiss iz only tew be had once in a phellow’s life, in the original package, and that iz when....
Not tew waste the time ov the reader, i hav thought best not tew finish the abuv sentence, hoping that their aint no person ov a good edukashun, and decent memory, but what kan reckolekt the time which i refer to, without enny ov mi help.
65“WHAT I KNO ABOUT PHARMING.”
What i kno about pharmin, iz kussid little.
Mi buzzum friend, Horace Greely, haz rit a book with the abuv name, and altho i haven’t had time tew peerose it yet, i don’t hesitate tew pronounse it bully.
Pharmin, (now daze) iz pretty much all theory, and tharefore it aint astonishing, that a man kan live in New York, and be a good chancery lawyer, and also kno all about pharming.
BLOWING.
A pharm, (now daze) ov one hundred akers, will produse more bukwheat, and pumkins, run on theory, than it would 60 years ago, run with manure, and hard knoks.
Thare iz nothing like book larning, and the time will evventually cum, when a man, won’t hav tew hav only one ov “Josh Billing’s Farmers’ Allmanax,” to run a farm, or a kamp meeting with.
Even now it aint unkommon, tew see three, or four, hired men, on a farm, with three, or four, spans ov oxen, all standing still, while the boss goes into the library, and reads himself up for the days’ ploughing.
If i was running a pharm, (now daze) i suppoze i would rather hav 36 bushels, ov sum nu breed ov potatoze, raized on theory, than tew hav 84 bushels, got in the mean, benighted, and underhanded way, ov our late lamented grand parents.
66Pharmin, after all, iz a good deal like the tavern bizzness, ennyboddy thinks they kan keep a hotel, (now daze,) and they kan, but this iz the way that poor hotels cum tew be so plenty, and this iz likewize what makes pharmin such eazy, and proffitable bizzness.
Just take the theory out ov pharming, and thare aint nothing left, but hard work, and all fired lite krops.
When i see so mutch pholks, rushing into theory pharming, az thare iz, (now daze) and so menny ov them rushing out agin, i think ov that remarkable piece ov skriptur, which remarks, “menny are called, but few are chosen.”
I onst took a pharm, on shares miself, and run her on sum theorys, and the thing figured up this way, i dun all the work, I furnished all the seed, and manure, had the ague 9 months, out of 12, for mi share ov the proffits, and the other phellow, paid the taxes on the pharm, for hiz share.
By mutual konsent, i quit the farm, at the end of the year.
What i kno about pharmin, aint wuth bragging about, and i feel it mi duty to state, for the benefit ov mi kreditors, that if they ever expekt me tew pay 5 cents on a dollar, they musn’t start me in the theoretikal pharmin employ.
If a man really iz anxious tew make munny on a pharm, the less theory he lays in the better, and he must do pretty mutch all the work hisself, and support hiz family on what he kant sell, and go ragged enuff all the time tew hunt bees.
I kno ov menny farmers, who are so afflikted with superstishun, that they wont plant a single bean, only in the last quarter of the moon, and i kno ov others so pregnant with science, that they wont set a gate post, until they hav had the ground analized, bi sum professor ov anatomy, tew see if the earth haz got the right kind of ingredience for post-holes.
This iz what i call running science into the ground.
The fakt ov it iz, that theorys, ov all kind, work well, except in praktiss: they are too often designed tew do the work ov praktiss.
67Thare aint no theory in brakeing a mule, only tew go at him, with a klub in yure hand, and sum blood in yure eye, and brake him, just as yu would split a log.
What i kno about pharming, aint wuth mutch enny how, but I undertook teu brake a kicking heifer once.
I read a treatiss on the subjekt, and phollowed the direkshuns cluss, and got knokt endwaze, in about 5 minnits.
I then sot down, and thought the thing over.
I made up mi mind that the phellow who wrote the treatiss waz more in the treatiss bizzness than he waz in the kicking heifer trade.
I cum tew the konklushun that what he knu about milking kiking heifers, he had larnt by leaning over a barn yard fence, and writing the thing up.
I got up from my reflekshuns strengthened, and went for that heifer.
I will draw a veil over the language i used, and the things i did, but i went in to win, and won.
That heifer never bekum a cow.
This iz one way tew brake a kicking heifer, and after a man haz studdyed all the books in kreashun on the subjek, and tried them on, he will fall back onto mi plan, and make up hiz mind, az i did, that a kicking heifer iz wuth more for beef than she iz for theoretick milk.
I hav worked on a pharm just long enuff tew kno that thare iz no prayers so good for poor land az manure, and no theory kan beat twelve hours each day, (sundaze excepted) of honest labour applied tew the sile.
I am an old phashioned phellow, and hartily hate most nu things, bekauze i hav bin beat bi them so often.
I never knu a pharm that waz worked pretty mutch by theory, but what waz for sale, or to let, in a fu years, and i never knu a pharm that waz worked by manure, and muscle, on the good old ignorant way ov our ansestors, but what waz handed down, from father to son, and alwus waz noted for razing brawny armed boys, and buxom lasses, and fust rate potatoze.
What i kno about pharmin, iz nothing but experiense, and experiense, (now daze,) aint wuth a kuss.
68I had rather hav a good looking theory, tew ketch flats with, than the experiense—even ov Methuseler.
Experiense iz a good thing tew lay down and die with, but yu kant do no big bizzness with it, (now daze,) it aint hot enuff.
Giv me a red hot humbug, and i kan make most ov the experiense, in this world ashamed ov itself.
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.
Qu.—Did you ever see an old horce, holler-eyed and bony, limp-legged and pur-blind, kivvered with a gold-plated harniss and waited upon by a spruce postillion, and a liveryed coachman?
Ans.—Yes i hav, and i hav seen old age put on pomposity, hobble in brocade, command reverance, exult with pride and grin with pain, and i hav sed tew myself “poor old hoss.”
Qu.—Did yu ever hear phools, and even wise men say that life waz short, that deth waz certain, that happiness waz skase?
Ans.—I have herd theze remarks quite often, but i never herd a bizzy man find enny fault with the length of life, nor a pure one regret that deth waz a sure thing, nor a vartuous one konplain about the high price of happiness.
Qu.—Did you ever hear an old maid prattle about the falsity ov man, the grate risk thare waz in having one, the bliss thare waz in being boss ov one’s self?
Ans.—It seems tew me that i hav, and i have alwus felt az tho the old virgin waz taking medicine awl the time she was saying it.
Qu.—Iz thare enny vacancy at present for a man in polite sirkles, who didn’t hav a ritch daddy, or who hadn’t bored suckcessfully for ile himself?
Ans.—If we hear ov enny sutch opening we will telegraff yu at once, but jist now, the way things are run, a man with seedy garments on would even git kicked out ov a fust klass meeting house, and be put under 10 thousand dollar bonds 69 tew keep the peace. Our advice tew a poor, but virtewous individual, would be tew take hiz virtew under hiz arm, keep shady, and let the polite sirkles chew each other.
Qu.—Kan a young man without enny mustash git a situation in Nu York Sitty?
Ans.—Yes, but it would probably be in the station-house. Yung men without enny mustash are looked upon with suspicion, and yu will find, if yu put them under oath, that they either haint got ennything but common sense, or they are too stingy to buy a bottle ov “Bolivards’s oil ov seduktion,” warrented tew fetch hair, or tare oph the lip.
Qu.—Kan yu inform me the best way that haz yet been invented yet to bring up a boy?
Ans.—Giv me 10 dollars and i will tell you. But here is a recipee that i giv away. Bring up your boy in fear ov the rod and a gin mill.
Qu.—Iz thare enny kure for natral laziness, whare it iz a part ov a man’s constitushun and bye laws?
Ans.—Only one kure, that iz, milk a cow on the run, and subsist on the milk.
Qu.—How fast duz sound travel?
Ans.—This depends a good deal upon the natur ov the noize yu are talking about. The sound ov a dinner horn for instance travels a half a mile in a seckond, while an invitashun tew git up in the morning I hav known to be 3 quarters ov an hour going up two pair ov stairs, and then not hav strength enuff left tew be heard.
WHISSLING.
I hav spent a grate deal ov sarching, and sum money, tew find out who waz the first whissler, but up tew now i am just az mutch uncivilized on the subjekt az i waz.
I kan tell who played on the first juice harp, and who beat the fust tin pan, and i kno the year the harp ov a thousand 70 strings waz diskovered in, but when whissling waz an infant, iz az hard for me tew say, az mi prayers in lo dutch.
WHISSLING.
Whissling iz a wind instrument, and iz did bi puckring up the mouth, and blowing through the hole.
Thare aint no tune on the whole earth but what kan be played on this instrument, and that selebrated old tune, Yankeedoodle haz bin almost whissled tew deth.
Grate thinkers are not apt tew be good whisslers, in fakt, when a man kant think ov nothing, then he begins tew whissell. We seldom see a raskal who iz a good whissler, thare iz a grate deal ov honor bright, in a sharp, well puckered whissell.
Good whisslers are gitting skarse, 75 years ago they waz plenty, but the desire tew git ritch, or tew hold offiss, haz took the pucker out ov this honest, and cheerful amuzement.
If i had a boy, who couldn’t whissell, i don’t want tew be understood, that i should feel at liberty, tew giv the boy up for lost, but i would mutch rather he would kno how tew whissell fust rate, than to kno how tew play a seckond rate game ov kards.
I wouldn’t force a boy ov mine tew whissell agin his natral inclinashun.
Wimmin az a kind, or in the lump, are poor whizzlers, i don’t kno how i found this out, but i am glad ov it, it iz a good deal like crowing in a hen.
71Crowing iz an unladylike thing in a hen tew do.
I hav often heard hens tri tew cro, but i never knu one tew do herself justiss.
A rooster kan krow well, and a hen kan kluk well, and i sa let each one ov them stik tew their trade.
Klucking iz jist az necessary in this wurld az crowing espeshily if it iz well did.
But i want it well understood that i am the last man on reckord who would refuse a woman a chance tew whissell if she waz certain she had the right pucker for it.
I never knu a good whissler but what had a good constitushun. Whissling iz compozed ov pucker and wind, and these two accomplishments denote vigor.
Sum people alwus whissell whare thare iz danger—this they do to keep the fraid out ov them. When i waz a boy i alwus konsidered whissling the next best thing to a kandle to go down cellar with in the nite time.
The best whisslers i hav ever heard hav bin amung the negroes (i make this remark with the highest respekt to the accomplishments ov the whites), i hav herd a south karoliny darkey whissell so natral that a mocking-bird would drop a worm out ov hiz bill and talk back to the nigger.
I dont want enny better evidence ov the general honesty thare iz in a whissell than the fackt that thare aint nothing which a dog will answer quicker than the wissell ov hiz master, and dogs are az good judges ov honesty az enny kritters that live.
It iz hard work to phool a dog once, and it iz next to impossible to phool him the sekond time.
I aint afraid to trust enny man for a small amount who iz a good whissler.
I wouldn’t want to sell him a farm on credit, for i should expekt to hav to take the farm back after awhile and remove the mortgage miself.
Yu cant whissell a mortgage oph from a farm.
A fust rate whissler iz like a middling sized fiddler, good for nothing else, and tho whissling may keep a man from gitting lonesum, it wont keep him from gitting ragged.
72I never knu a bee hunter but what waz a good whissler, and i dont kno ov enny bizzness on the breast ov the earth that will make a man so lazy and useless, without acktually killing him, az hunting bees in the wilderness.
Hunting bees and writing seckond rate verses are evidences ov sum genius, but either of them will unfit a man for doing a good square day’s work.
HOTELS.
Hotels are houses ov refuge, homes for the vagrants, the married man’s retreat, and the bachelor’s fireside.
They are kept in all sorts ov ways, sum on the European plan, and menny ov them on no plan at all.
A good landlord iz like a good stepmother, he knows hiz bizzness and means to do hiz duty.
He knows how to rub hiz hands with joy when the traveler draws nigh, he knows how to smile, he knew yure wife’s father when he waz living, and yure wife’s fust husband, but he don’t speak about him.
He kan tell whether it will rain to-morrow or not, he hears yure komplaints with a tear in hiz eye, he blows up the servants at yure suggestion, and stands around reddy, with a shirt collar az stiff az broken china.
A man may be a good supream court judge and at the same time be a miserable landlord.
Most evrybody thinks they kan keep a hotel (and they kan), but this ackounts for the grate number ov hotels that are kept on the same principle that a justiss ov the peace offiss iz kept in the country during a six-days’ jury trial for killing sumboddy’s yello dorg.
A hotel wont keep itself and keep the landlord too, and ever kure a traveler from the habit ov profane swareing.
I hav had this experiment tried on me several times, and it alwus makes the swares, wuss.
73It iz too often the kase that landlords go into the bizzness ov hash az ministers go into the professhun, with the very best ov motives, but the poorest kind ov prospecks.
I dont know ov enny bizzness more flattersum than the tavern bizzness, there dont seem to be ennything to do but to stand in front ov the register with a pen behind the ear and see that the guests enter themselfs az soon az they enter the house, then yank a bell-rope six or seven times, and then tell John to sho the gentleman to 976, and then take four dollars and fifty cents next morning from the poor devil ov a traveler and let him went.
This seems to be the whole thing (and it iz the whole thing) in most cases.
Yu will diskover the following deskripshun a mild one, ov about 9 hotels out ov 10 between the Atlantik and Pacifick Oshuns akrost the United States in a straight line:
Yure room iz 13 foot 6 inches, by 9 foot 7 inches, parallelogramly.
It being court week (az usual), all the good rooms are employed bi the lawyers and judges.
Yure room iz on the uttermost floor.
The carpet iz ingrain—ingrained with the dust, kerosene ile, and ink-spots ov four generashuns.
Thare iz two pegs in the room tew hitch coats onto, one ov them broke oph, and the other pulled out, and missing.
The buro haz three legs, and one brick.
The glass to the buro swings on two pivots, which hav lost their grip.
Thare iz one towel on the rack, thin, but wet. The rain water in the pitcher cum out ov the well.
The soap iz az tuff tew wear az a whetstone.
The soap iz scented with cinnamon ile, and variagated with spots.
Thare iz three chairs, kane setters, one iz a rocker, and all three are busted.
Thare iz a match-box, empty.
74Thare iz no kurtin to the windo, and thare don’t want to be any, yu kant see out, and who kan see in?
The bel rope iz cum oph about 6 inches this side ov the ceiling.
The bed iz a modern slat bottom, with two mattrasses, one cotton, and one husk, and both harder, and about az thick az a sea biskitt.
Yu enter the bed sideways and kan feel evry slat at once az eazy az yu could the ribs ov a grid iron.
The bed iz inhabited.
Yu sleep sum, but rool over a good deal.
For breakfast you have a gong, and rhy coffee too kold to melt butter, fride potatoze which resemble the chips a two inch auger makes in its journey through an oak log.
Bread solid, beef stake about az thik az a blister plaster, and so tuff az a hound’s ear.
Table covered with plates, a few scared to death pickles on one ov them, and 6 fly endorsed crackers on another.
A pewterinktom caster with three bottles in it, one without enny pepper in it, one without enny mustard, and one with two inches ov drowned flies, and vinegar in it.
Servant gall, with hoops on, hangs around you earnestly, and wants to know if yu will take another cup ov coffee.
Yu say “No mom, i thank yu,” and push back yure chair.
Yu haven’t eat enuff tew pay for picking yure teeth.
I am about az selfconsaited az it will do for a man to be and not crack open, but i never yet consaited that i could keep a hotel, i had rather be a hiwayman than to be sum landlords i have visited with.
Thare are hotels that are a joy upon earth, where a man pays hiz bill az cheerfully az he did the parson who married him, whare yu kant find the landlord unless yu hunt in the kitchen, whare servants glide around like angels ov mercy, whare the beds fit a man’s back like the feathers on a goose, and whare the vittles taste just az tho yure wife, or yure mother had fried them.
75Theze kind ov hotels ought tew be bilt on wheels and travel around the country; they are az phull ov real cumfort az a thanksgiving pudding, but alass! yes, alass! they are az unplenty az double-yelked eggs.
LAFFING.
Anatomikally konsidered, laffing iz the sensashun ov pheeling good all over, and showing it principally in one spot.
Morally konsidered, it iz the next best thing tew the 10 commandments.
Philosophikally konsidered, it beats Herrick’s pills 3 pills in the game.
Theoretikally konsidered, it kan out-argy all the logik in existence.
Analitikally konsidered, enny part ov it iz equal tew the whole.
Konstitushionally konsidered, it iz vittles and sumthing tew drink.
Multifariously konsidered, it iz just az different from ennything else az it is from itself.
Phumatically konsidered, it haz a good deal ov essence and sum boddy.
Pyroteknikally konsidered, it is the fire-works of the soul.
Syllogestikally konsidered, the konklushuns allwus follows the premises.
Spontaneously konsidered, it iz az natral and refreshing az a spring bi the road-side.
Phosphorescently konsidered, it lights up like a globe lantern.
Exsudashiously konsidered, it haz all the dissolving propertys ov a hot whiskee puntch.
But this iz too big talk for me; theze flatulent words waz put into the dikshionary for those giants in knolledge tew 76 use who hav tew load a kannon klean up tew the muzzell with powder and ball when they go out tew hunt pissmires.
But i don’t intend this essa for laffing in the lump, but for laffing on the half-shell.
Laffing iz just az natral tew cum tew the surface as a rat iz tew cum out ov hiz hole when he wants tew.
Yu kant keep it back by swallowing enny more than yu kan the heekups.
If a man kan’t laff there iz sum mistake made in putting him together, and if he won’t laff he wants az mutch keeping away from az a bear-trap when it iz sot.
I have seen people who laffed altogether too mutch for their own good or for ennyboddy else’s; they laft like a barrell ov nu sider with the tap pulled out, a perfekt stream.
This is a grate waste ov natral juice.
I have seen other people who didn’t laff enuff tew giv themselfs vent; they waz like a barrell ov nu sider too, that waz bunged up tite, apt tew start a hoop and leak all away on the sly.
Thare ain’t neither ov theze 2 ways right, and they never ought tew be pattented.
Sum pholks hav got what iz kalled a hoss-laff, about haffway between a growl and a bellow, just az a hoss duz when he feels hiz oats, and don’t exackly kno what ails him.
Theze pholks don’t enjoy a laff enny more than the man duz hiz vettles who swallows hiz pertatoze whole.
A laff tew be nourishsome wants tew be well chewed.
Thare iz another kind ov a laff which i never did enjoy, one loud busst, and then everything iz az still az a lager beer barrell after it haz blowed up and slung 2 or 3 gallons ov beer around loose.
Thare iz another laff whitch I hav annalized; it cums out ov the mouth with a noize like a pig makes when he iz in a tite spot, one sharp squeal and two snikkers, and then dies in a simper.
This kind ov a laff iz larnt at femail boarding-skools, and 77 dont mean ennything; it iz nothing more than the skin ov a laff.
Genuine laffing iz the vent ov the soul, the nostrils ov the heart, and iz jist az necessary for helth and happiness as spring water iz for a trout.
Thare iz one kind ov a laff that i always did reckommend; it looks out ov the eye fust with a merry twinkle, then it kreeps down on its hands and kneze and plays around the mouth like a pretty moth around the blaze ov a kandle, then it steals over into the dimples ov the cheeks and rides around in thoze little whirlpools for a while, then it lites up the whole face like the mello bloom on a damask roze, then it swims oph on the air, with a peal az klear and az happy az a dinner-bell, then it goes bak agin on golden tiptoze like an angel out for an airing, and laze down on its little bed ov violets in the heart whare it cum from.
Thare iz another laff that noboddy kan withstand; it iz just az honest and noizy az a distrikt skool let out tew play, it shakes a man up from hiz toze tew hiz temples, it dubbles and twists him like a whiskee phit, it lifts him up oph from hiz cheer, like feathers, and lets him bak agin like melted led, it goes all thru him like a pikpocket, and finally leaves him az weak and az krazy az tho he had bin soaking all day in a Rushing bath and forgot tew be took out.
This kind ov a laff belongs tew jolly good phellows who are az helthy az quakers, and who are az eazy tew pleaze az a gall who iz going tew be married to-morrow.
In konclushion i say laff every good chance yu kan git, but don’t laff unless yu feal like it, for there ain’t nothing in this world more harty than a good honest laff, nor nothing more hollow than a hartless one.
When yu do laff open yure mouth wide enuff for the noize tew git out without squealing, thro yure hed bak az tho yu waz going tew be shaved, hold on tew yure false hair with both hands and then laff till yure soul gets thoroly rested.
But i shall tell yu more about theze things at sum fewter time.
78HOSS SENSE.
There is nothing that haz bin diskovered yet, that iz so skarse as good Hoss sense, about 28 hoss power.
ORATION.
I don’t mean race hoss, nor trotting hoss sense, that kan run a mile in 1:28 and then brake down; nor trot in 2:13, and good for nothing afterwards, only to brag on; but I mean the all-day hoss sense, that iz good for 8 miles an hour, from rooster crowing in the morning, until the cows cum home at night, klean tew the end ov the road.
I hav seen fast sense, that was like sum hoses, who could git so far in one day that it would take them two days tew git back, on a litter. I don’t mean this kind nuther.
Good hard-pan sense iz the thing that will wash well, wear well, iron out without wrinkling, and take starch without kracking.
Menny people are hunting after uncommon sense, but they never find it a good deal; uncommon sense iz ov the nature of genius, and all genius iz the gift of God, and kant be had, like hens eggs, for the hunting.
Good, old-fashioned common sense iz one ov the hardest things in the world to out-wit, out-argy, or beat in enny way, it iz az honest az a loaf ov good domestik bread, alwus in tune, either hot from the oven or 8 days old.
79Common sense kan be improved upon by edukashun—genius kan be too, sum, but not much.
Edukashun gauls genius like a bad setting harness.
Common sense iz like biled vittles, it is good right from the pot, and it is good nex day warmed up.
If every man waz a genius, mankind would be az bad oph az the heavens would be, with every star a comet, things would git hurt badly, and noboddy tew blame.
Common sense iz instinkt, and instinkt don’t make enny blunders mutch, no more than a rat duz, in coming out, or going intew a hole, he hits the hole the fust time, and just fills it.
Genius iz always in advance ov the times, and makes sum magnificent hits, but the world owes most ov its tributes to good hoss sense.
SILENCE.
Silence is a still noise.
One ov the hardest things for a man to do, iz tew keep still.
Everyboddy wants tew be heard fust, and this iz jist what fills the world with nonsense.
Everyboddy wants tew talk, few want to think, and noboddy wants tew listen.
The greatest talkers amung the feathered folks, are the magpie and ginny hen, and neither ov them are ov mutch account.
If a man ain’t sure he iz right the best kard he kan play iz a blank one.
I have known menny a man tew beat in an argument by just nodding his hed once in a while and simply say, “jess so, jess so.”
It takes a grate menny blows tew drive in a nail, but one will clinch it.
Sum men talk just az a French pony trots, all day long, in a haff bushel meazzure.
80Silence never makes enny blunders, and alwus gits az mutch credit az iz due it, and oftimes more.
When i see a man listening to me cluss i alwus say to mi self, “look out, Josh, that fellow iz taking your meazzure.”
I hav herd men argy a pint two hours and a haff and not git enny further from whare they started than a mule in a bark mill, they did a good deal ov going round and round.
I hav sot on jurys and had a lawyer talk the law, fakts and evidence ov the kase all out ov me, besides starting the taps on mi boots.
I hav bin tew church hungry for sum gospel, and cum hum so phull ov it that i couldn’t draw a long breth without starting a button.
Brevity and silence are the two grate kards, and next to saying nothing, saying a little, iz the strength ov the game.
One thing iz certain, it iz only the grate thinkers who kan afford tew be brief, and thare haz bin but phew volumes yet published which could not be cut down two-thirds, and menny ov them could be cut klean back tew the title page without hurting them.
Iz hard tew find a man ov good sense who kan look back upon enny occason and wish he had sed sum more, but it iz eazy tew find menny who wish they had said less.
A thing sed iz hard tew recall, but unsed it kan be spoken any time.
Brevity iz the child of silence, and iz a great credit tew the old man.
BRAVERY.
True bravery iz very eazy tew detekt, for it iz az mutch a part and parcel of a man’s every day life az hiz clothes iz.
Everything that a truly brave man duz iz did from principle not impulse, and when no one sees him he iz just az heroik az he would be if he waz in the eyes of the multitude.
81Thare iz a grate deal ov bravery that iz simply ornamental, and if it wan’t for its spurs and cockade wouldn’t amount tew mutch.
It iz not bravery to face what we kan’t dodge, but it iz true courage tew face all things that are honest and dodge nothing.
True bravery exists amung the lowly just az mutch az amung the grate, and a man really haz no more right tew expekt praise for his courage than he haz for hiz virtue.
It often requires more bravery tew tell the simple truth than it duz tew win a battle.
He who fills to the brim the stashun in life, which nature or fortune haz given him, iz a hero; i don’t kare whether he iz a peasant on the hillside, or chieftian in the tented field.
The most sublime courage I hav ever witnessed, hav been among that klass who waz too poor to know that they possessed it, and too humble for the world ever to diskover it.
When I want to see a hero, or commune with one, i don’t go tew the pages ov history; i kan find them in among the bipaths ov every day life, i hav known them tew liv out their lives and die without enny reckord here; but hereafter, when the grate sorting takes place, they will be found among the jewels.
DISPATCH.
Dispatch iz the gift, or art ov doing a thing right quick. To do a thing right, and to do it quick iz an attribute ov genius.
Hurry iz often mistaken for dispatch; but thare iz just az much difference az thare iz between a hornet and a pissmire when they are both ov them on duty.
A hornet never takes any steps backwards, but a pissmire alwus travels just as tho he had forgot sumthing.
Hurry works from morning until night, but works on a tred-wheel.
82Dispatch never undertakes a job without fust marking out the course to take, and then follows it, right or wrong, while hurry travels like a blind hoss, stepping hi and often, and spends most ov her time in running into things, and the ballance in backing out agin.
Dispatch iz alwus the mark ov grate abilitys, while hurry iz the evidence ov a phew branes, and they, flying around so fast in the hed, they keep their owner alwus dizzy.
Hurry iz a good phellow tew phite bumble bees, whare, if yu hav ever so good a plan, yu kant make it work well.
Dispatch haz dun all the grate things that hav been did in this world, while hurry haz been at work at the small ones, and haint got thru yet.
HOW TO PIK OUT A WIFE.
Find a girl that iz 19 years old last May, about the right hight, with a blue eye, and dark-brown hair and white teeth.
Let the girl be good to look at, not too phond of musik, a firm disbeleaver in ghosts, and one ov six children in the same family.
Look well tew the karakter ov her father; see that he is not the member ov enny klub, don’t bet on elekshuns, and gits shaved at least 3 times a week.
Find out all about her mother, see if she haz got a heap ov good common sense, studdy well her likes and dislikes, eat sum ov her hum-made bread and apple dumplins, notiss whether she abuzes all ov her nabors, and don’t fail tew observe whether her dresses are last year’s ones fixt over.
If you are satisfied that the mother would make the right kind ov a mother-in-law, yu kan safely konklude that the dauter would make the right kind of a wife.
After theze prelimenarys are all settled, and yu have done a reazonable amount ov sparking, ask the yung lady for her 83 heart and hand, and if she refuses, yu kan konsider yourself euchered.
If on the contrary, she should say yes, git married at once, without any fuss and feathers, and proceed to take the chances.
I say take the chances, for thare aint no resipee for a perfekt wife, enny more than thare iz for a perfekt husband.
Thare iz just az menny good wifes az thare iz good husbands, and i never knew two people, married or single, who were determined tew make themselfs agreeable to each other, but what they suckceeded.
Name yure oldest boy sum good stout name, not after sum hero, but should the first boy be a girl, i ask it az a favour to me that yu kaul her Rebekker.
I do want sum ov them good, old-fashioned, tuff girl names revived and extended.
HOW TEW PIK OUT A WATERMELLON.
Sumtime about the 20th ov August, more or less, when the moon iz entering her seckond quarter, and the old kitchen klock haz struk twelve midnite, git up and dres yureself, without making enny noize, and leave the hous bi the bak door, and step lightly akross the yard, out into the hiway, and turn tew yure right.
84After going about haff a mile, take your fust left hand road, and when yu cum tew a bridge, cross it, and go thru a pair ov bars on the right, walk about two hundred yards in a south-east direckshun, and yu will cum suddenly on a watermellon patch.
Pik out a good, dark-colored one, with the skin a leetle ruffish; be kareful not to injure enny ov the vines by stepping on them; shoulder the watermellon, and retrace yure steps, walking about twice az fast az yu did when yu cum out.
Once in a while look over yure shoulder too see if the moon is all right. When yu reach hum, bury the watermellon in the ha mow and slip into bed, just as tho nothing had happened.
This is an old-fashioned, time-honored way, tew pik out a good watermellon, just the way our fathers and grandfathers did it.
After yu hav et the watermellon tare up the resipee.
I am not anxious tew hav this resipee preserved, but i dont want it forgotten.
One watermellon during yure life is enuff to pik out in this way.
Dont do it but jist once, and then be kind ov sorry for it afterwards.
Menny people will wonder and worry whare the moral cums in, in this sketch, and it is hard tew tell; but i will venture to say that thare aint a prominent moralist in Amerika but has picked out his watermellon by this resipee, sumtime during his life, and will tell you that he remembers favourably the spirit ov adventure that promted the undertaking, and never kan forgit the sober sense ov shame that followed it.
HOW TEW PIK OUT A DOG.
Dogs are gitting dredful skase, and if yu dont pik one out putty soon, it will be forever too late.
85I hav written during my yunger days, when I knu a good deal more than i do now, or ever shal kno agin, an essa onto dogs, and in that essa i klaimed that the best kind ov a dog for all purposes for a man tew hav was a wodden dog.
The experience ov years don’t seem tew change mi opinyun, and i now, az then, reckomend the wodden dog.
Dogs, az a genral thing, are ornamental, and the wodden dog kan be made hily so, after enny pattern or desighn that a kultivated taste may suggest.
If the wodden dog iz made with the bark on, so mutch the better; for we are told bi thoze who studdy sich things that dogs which bark never bight.
Wodden dogs never stra away three or four times a year, like flesh and blood dogs do, and don’t kost 5 or 10 dollars reward each time tew make them cam bak hum agin.
Wodden dogs don’t hav the old hydrophobiskiousness; neither are they running round, and round, and round, and round after them selfs, trieing tew ketch up with a wicked flea, who iz bizzily engaged knawing away at the dog’s—continuashun.
Thare ain’t no better watch dog in the world than the wodden one. Yu set them tew watching enny thing, they will watch it for 3 years, and they aint krazy, and want tew jump thru a window in a minnit, if they just happen tew hear a boy out in the streets whissling “Yankee Doodle” or “Sally Cum Up.”
Wodden dogs won’t stretch themselfs out in front ov the fire place, taking up all the hot room, nor they won’t fly at a harmless old beggar man, who only wants a krust, and tare him all tew little bits in a minnitt.
If yu want tew pik out a good dog, pik out a wodden one, they range in price, all the way from 10 cents tew a dollar ackording tew the lumber in them, old age don’t make them kross and useless, and if they do happen tew loze, a hed, or a leg, in sum skrimmage, a dose ov Spaldings glu, taken at night, jist before they retire will fetch them out all strait, in the morning.
86HOW TEW PIK OUT A KAT.
The hardest thing, in every day life, iz tew pik out a good kat, not bekause kats are so skase, az bekauze they are so plenty.
If thare want but 2 kats on earth, thare wouldn’t be no trouble, yu would pik one and the other phellow would pik one, and that would end the contest.
To pik out a good kat, one that will tend tew bizzness and not astronomize nights, nor praktiss operatik strains, iz an evidence ov genius.
I don’t luv kats enuff tew pik one out enny how, but i have picked a kitten out ov a swill barrel before now with a pair of tongs, just tew save life.
Color iz no kriterion ov kats, i hav seen dredful mean kats ov all colors.
Kats with blue eyes, and very long whiskers, with the points ov their ears a leetle rounded are not to be trusted they will steal yung chickens, and hook kream oph from the milk pans, every good chanse they kan git.
Kats with gra eyes, very short whiskers, and four white toes, are the best kats thare iz to lay in front ov the kitchen stove all day, and be stepped on their tail, every fu minnitts.
Kats with blak eyes, no whiskers at all, and sharp pointed ears, are liabel tew phitts.
Picking out good kats haz alwus bin a mighty cluss transackshun from the fust begining, the best way haz alwus ben tew take them without enny picking, jist az they cum, and let them go, jist az they cum.
LOST ARTS.
Sum ov our best and most energetick quill jerkers, hav writ essays on the “Lost Arts,” and hav did comparatiffly well, but they hav overlooked several ov the missing artikles 87 whitch i take the liberty, (in a strikly confidenshall way) tew draw their attenshun to.
“Pumpkin Pi.”—This delitesum work ov art iz, (or rather was) a triumphant conglomerashun ov baked doe, and biled pumpkin.
It waz diskovered during the old ov the moon, in the year 1680, by Angelica, the notable wife ov Rhehoboam Beecher, then residing in the rural town ov Nu Guilford, State of Connekticut, but since departed this life, aged 84 years, 3 months, 6 daze 5 hours, and 15 minnitts.
Peace tew her dust.
This pi, immejiately after its discovery bi Angelica, proceeded into general use, and waz the boss pi, for over a hundred years.
In the year 1833 it was totaly lorst.
This pi hain’t bin herd from since. Large rewards hav bin offered for its recovery by the Govenor ov Connekticut, but it haz undoubtedly fled forever.
Sum poor imitashuns ov the blessed old original pi are loafing around, but pumpkin pi az it waz, (with nutmeg in it) is no more.
“Rum and Tansy.”—Good old Nu England rum with tanzy bruized in it, waz known to our ancients, and drank by the deacons and the elders ov our churches, a century ago.
It iz now one ov the lost arts.
A haff a pint ov this glorious old mixtur upon gitting out ov bed in the morning, then a haff a pint jist before sitting down tew breakfast, then thru the day, at stated intervals, a haff a pint ov it, and sum more ov it just before retiring at nite, iz wat enabled our fourfathers tew shake oph the yoke ov grate brittain, and gave the Amerikan eagle the majestik tred and thundering big bak bone, which he used tew hav. But, alass! oh, alass! we once had spirits ov just men made perfek, but we hav now, (o alass!) spirits ov the dam.
One half-pint ov the present prevailing rum would ruin a deacon in twenty minitts.
Farewell, good old nu England rum, with some tanzy in 88 yer, thou hast gone! yest, thou hast gone tew that bourn from which no good spirits cums back.
“Rum, reguiescat, et liquorissimus.”
“Arly to bed, and arly to rize.”
When our ancestors landed on Plimoth Rok out ov the Mayflower, and stood in front ov the grate lanskape spred out before them, reaching from the boisterious Atlantik to the buzzum ov the plaintive Pacifick, they brought with them, among other tools, the art ov gitting up in the morning and going tew bed at nite in decent seazon.
This art they was az familiar to them, az codfish for brekfast.
They knu it bi heart.
It waz the eleventh command in their katekism.
They taut it tew their children, their yung men and maidens, and if a yung one waz enny ways slow about larning it he waz invited out to the korn-krib, and thare the art waz explained tew him, so that he got hold ov the idee for ever and amen.
I am sorry to say that this art iz now lost, or missing.
What a loss waz here, my countrymen!
I pauze for a reply.
Not a word do I hear.
Silence iz its epitaph.
Perhaps some profane and unthinking cuss will exklaim—“Let her rip!”
Arly tew bed and arly tew rize, is either a thing of the past or a thing that ain’t cum—it certainly don’t exist in theze parts now.
It haz not only gone itself, but it haz took oph a whole lot ov good things with it.
This art will positively never be diskovered agin; it waz the child ov innocense and vigor, and this breed ov children are like the babes in the wood, and deserted bi their unkle.
“Honesty.”—Honesty iz one ov the arts and sciences.
Learned men will tell you that the abuv assershun iz one 89 ov Josh Billings infernal lies, and yer hav a perfekt rite tew believe them, but i don’t.
Honesty iz jist az much an art az politeness iz, and never waz born with a man enny more than the capacity to spell the word Nebuddkenozzer right the first time waz.
It took me seven years to master this word, and i and Noer Webster both disagree about the right way now.
Sum men are natrally more addikted tew honesty than others, jist az sum hav a better ear for musik, and larn how tew hoist and lower the 8 notes, more completely than the next man.
Honesty iz one ov the lost or mislaid arts—thare may be excepshuns tew this rule, but the learned men all agree that “excepshuns prove the rule.”
The only doubts i hav about this matter iz tew lokate the time very cluss, when honesty waz fust lost.
When Adam in the garden of Eden waz asked, “Whare art thou Adam” and afterwards explained hiz abscence by saying, “I, waz afraid” iz az far back az I hav bin able tew trace the fust indikashuns ov weakness in this grand and nobel art.
I shouldn’t be suprized if this art never waz fully recovered again during mi day.
I aint so anxious about it on mi own ackount, for i kan manage tew worry along sumhow without it, but what iz a going tew bekum ov the grate mass ov suffering humanity?
This iz a question that racks mi simpathetick buzzum!
HINTS TO COMIK LEKTURERS.
Comic lekturing iz an unkommon pesky thing to do.
It iz more unsarting than the rat ketching bizzness az a means ov grace, or az a means ov livelyhood.
Most enny boddy thinks thev kan do it, and this iz jist what makes it so bothersum tew do.
90When it iz did jist enuff, it iz a terifick success, but when it iz overdid, it iz like a burnt slapjax, very impertinent.
Thare aint but phew good judges ov humor, and they all differ about it.
If a lekturer trys tew be phunny, he iz like a hoss trying to trot backwards, pretty apt tew trod on himself.
COMIK LEKTURE.
Humor must fall out ov a mans mouth, like musik out ov a bobalink, or like a yung bird out ov its nest, when it iz feathered enuff to fly.
Whenever a man haz made up hiz mind that he iz a wit, then he iz mistaken without remedy, but whenever the publick haz made up their mind that he haz got the disease, then he haz got it sure.
Individuals never git this thing right, the publik never git it wrong.
The publik never cheat themselfs, nor other folks, when they weigh out glory.
Thare iz jist 16 ounces in a pound ov glory, and no more, that is, by the publiks steelyards.
Humor iz wit with a roosters tail feathers stuck in its cap, and wit iz wisdom in tight harness.
No man kan be a helthy phool unless he haz nussed at the brest ov wisdom.
Thoze who fail in the comik bizzness are them who hav bin put out to nuss, or bin fetched up on a bottle.
If a man iz a genuine humorist, he iz superior tew the bulk ov hiz aujience, and will often times hav tew take hiz pay for hiz services in thinking so.
91Altho fun iz designed for the millyun, and ethiks for the few, it iz az true az molasses, that most all aujiences hav their bell wethers, people who show the others the crack whare the joke cums laffing in.
I hav known popular aujences deprived ov all plezzure during the recital ov a comik lektur, just bekauze the right man, or the right woman, want thare tew point out the mellow places.
The man who iz anxious tew git before an aujience, with what he calls a comik lektur, ought tew be put immediately in the stocks, so that he kant do it, for he iz a dangerous person tew git loose, and will do sum damage.
It iz a very pleazant bizzness tew make people laff, but thare iz mutch odds whether they laff at you, or laff at what yu say.
When a man laffs at yu, he duz it because it makes him feel superior to you, but when yu pleaze him with what yu have uttered, he admits that yu are superior tew him.
The only reazon whi a monkey alwus kreates a sensashun whareever he goes, is simply bekauze—he is a monkey.
Everyboddy feels az tho they had a right tew criticize a comik lectur, and most ov them do it jist az a mule criticizes things, by shutting up both eyes and letting drive with hiz two behind leggs.
Humor haz but phew rules tew be judged by, and they are so delikate that none but the most delikate kan define them.
It is dredful arbitrary tew ask a man tew laff who don’t feel the itch ov it.
One ov the meanest things in the comik lektring employment that a man haz to do, iz tew try and make that large class ov hiz aujience laff whom the Lord never intended should laff.
Thare iz sum who laff az eazy and az natral az the birds do, but most ov mankind laff like a hand organ—if yu expect tew git a lively tune out ov it yu hav got tew grind for it.
In delivering a comik lektur it iz a good general rule to stop sudden, sometime before yu git through. This enables the 92 aujience, if they hav had enuff, tew be satisfied with what they hav had, and if they want enny more, it enables them to hanker for it.
I know it iz dredful tuff, when a man iz on one end ov a stick ov molasses kandy, tew quit till he gits clean through; but he musn’t forgit that hiz aujience may not be so sweet on molassiss kandy az he iz.
I hav got a very lonesum opinyun ov the comik lektring bizziness, and if I waz well shut ov it, and knu how tew git an honest living at ennything else, (except opening clams, and keeping a districkt skool,) i would quit tommorrow, and either trade oph mi liktur for a grindstone, or sell it to the proprietors ov sum insane hospital, to quiet their pashunts with.
I dont urge ennyboddy tew cultivate the comik lektring, but if they feel phull ov something, they kan’t tell what, that bites, and makes them feel ridikilous, so that they kan’t even saw wood without laffing tew themselfs all the time, i suppose they hav got the fun ailment in their bones, and had better let it leak out in the shape ov a lektur.
But i advise all such persons to pitty themselfs, and when they lay a warm joke, not tew akt az a hen doth when she haz uttered an egg, but look sorry, and let sum one else do the cackling.
If i had a boy who showed enny strong marks ov being a comik critter, if i couldn’t get it out ov him enny other way, i would jine him to the Shakers, and make him weed onions for three years, just for fun.
FASHION—FURY—FELLOW—FUN—FUSS—FLUNKY—FRETS—FITS—FINIS.
FASHION.
Fashion is a goddess.
She iz ov the maskuline, feminine and nuter gender.
Men worship her in her maskuline form—wimmin in her feminine form, and the excentricks in her nuter gender.
93She rules the world with a straw, and makes all her suppliants.
She enslaves the poor az well az the ritch, she kneels in sanktuarys, pomps in cabins, and leers at the street korners.
She fits man’s foot with a pinching boot, throttles him with a stubborn collar, and dies his mustash with darkness.
She trails the ritch silks ov wimmin along the filthy sidewalks, leads sore-eyed lap-dogs with a string, and banishes helpless children to murky nurserys, in the kare ov faithless hirelings.
She cheats the excentric with the clap-trap of fredom, and makes him serve her in the habiliments ov the harlequin.
Yea, verily.
FUN.
Fun is the soul’s vent.
Fun iz whare the kruditys eskape, where she kiks up her heels, and runs snorting around the lot, unhaltered, and az eager az an eskaped konvikt.
Fun iz a safety-valve that lets the steam preshure oph from the biler, and keeps things from bussting.
Fun iz the dansing particles, which fli oph from the surface ov unbottled cider, it iz the senseless frolik ov the spring lam in the clover, it iz the merry twinkle that kreeps down tew 94 the korner ov the parson’s eye, to stand in the sunlite, and see what’s going on.
Fun iz az karliss az a kolt, az happy az a bridegroom, and az silly az a luv-sik skool-girl.
Fun iz the holy day wisdum ov the sage, the phools pholly, and everyboddys puppet.
Next tew the virtew in this world, the fun in it iz what we kan least spare.
Truly! O! truly!
FRET.
Fret iz a kanker, a gangreene, a blister, a bile, salt on a sore place, and a sliver everywhare.
Fret iz frickshun, a dull lancet, a gimblet.
Fret makes a yung man ackt like an old one, and an old man ackt like a yung one.
Fret iz a grind stun, whare he holds hiz noze on, haz tew do hiz own turning.
Fret haz burnt more holes thru a man’s koppers that all the other hot things, it haz killed az often az the doktors hav, and iz az lawless, and senseless, az a goose.
Fret makes the husband a tyrant, the wife a plague, the child a nuisance, an old maid terrible, and a bachelor disgusting.
Fret makes home a prizon, and puts teeth into the gums ov all life’s misfortunes.
I bet! thou bet! he, she, or it, bets!
FURY.
Fury iz the tornado ov the inner man, a thunder shower, a blak kloud phull ov litening, a tiger out ov hiz kage, a maniak armed, a bull in fli time.
Fury knows no law only its strength, like a rocket, it whizzes till it busts, and when it haz bust, like a rocket, it iz but a senseless and burnt reed.
Fury iz the argument ov tyrants, and the revenge ov the 95 embecile, the courage ov the kat, and the glowing embers ov dispair.
Fury makes the hornet respektabel, and the pissmire a laffing stok, it makes the eagle allmoste human, and clothes the little wren, battling for her brood, with a halo sublime.
Indeed! indeed!
FITS.
Fits are the moral tumblings ov man’s natur, the bak summersets ov hiz disposishun, the flying trapez ov the kritter himself.
Fits prompt him tew klimb a greast pole, tew fite a wind mill at short range, to go too near a mule’s heels, and to make a kussid phool ov himself generally.
Fits taketh a man bi the end ov hiz noze, and leadeth him into bak lots.
Fits hav no conshience, and no judgment.
Fits jerk a man from the path ov duty, they knok him krazy at noontime, they seize him at twilite, and twist him arly in the morning.
Sum men, and sum wimmen, are good only in fits, and bad only in fits, when they haint got a fit they are unfit for ennything.
Yes, i think so.
FUSS.
Fuss iz like an old setting hen when she cums oph from her nest.
Fuss iz like kold water dropt into hot grease—it sputters, and sputters, and then sputters agin.
Fuss iz haff-sister to Hurry, and neither ov them kant do enny thing without gitting in their own way and stepping on themselfs.
Thare iz more fuss in this world than thare iz hurry, and thare iz a thousand times more ov either ov them than thare iz ov dispatch.
Fuss works hard all day, and don’t do enny thing, goes to 96 bed tired at night, then gits up next morning, and begins agin whare she left oph.
Oh, dear! whi iz this sutch.
FELLOW.
A fellow iz like a bottle ov ginger pop that haz stood six hours with the kork out, in a warm room—it ain’t ginger nor it ain’t pop.
A fellow iz a hybrid; he hain’t got enny more karakter than a drizzly day haz, he iz every boddy’s cuzzin, and hangs around like a lost dog.
He iz often clever, and that iz jist what ruins him. A clever phellow iz wuss oph than a mulatto.
I am sorry for this—i am aktually sad.
FLUNKEY.
Flunkeys are just abuv loafers, and just belo fellows.
They ain’t maskuline, feminine, nor nuter—they are just human dough.
They hav the currage ov a spring chicken, the ferocity ov a kricket, the combativness ov a grasshopper, and the bakbone ov an angleworm.
They are human dough made to order, and baked az yu choose.
Ain’t it orful?
FINIS.
Finis iz the end ov all things—the happyest place in the whole job.
All things on arth hav an end to them, and i kant think ov but phew things now that hain’t got two.
A ladder haz two ends to it, and the surest way tew git to the top ov it iz tew begin at the bottom.
Finis iz the best and only friend that menny a man in this world ever haz, and sum day Finis will be the autokrat ov the universe.
Bully for yu, Finis.
97THE NU FOUNDLAND AND THE TARRIER.
Dogs are one ov the luxurys ov civilizashun.
In uncivilized life they perhaps are more one ov the necessitys, az they quite often are cooked, and eaten whole.
Among the civilized, if they ever do git onto a bill ov fare, (ov which i have mi own private doubts,) they are more artisktly handled, and enter into hash, or sassage, not az the leading artikle, but more tew kreate a good average.
But i am not now disposed to treat ov dogs az vittles, but as the companyun ov man, hiz pet, and hiz partner.
The Nu foundland dog iz a natiff ov the place whare the nobel kodfish iz kaught.
He dont liv in the water, like the kodfish, but unlike the kodfish, livs on the land.
Hiz principal amuzement iz saving life, and i am told that thare iz hardly a man, or a woman, in all Nu foundland, but what haz had their lives saved several times by these wonderful dogs.
They are taken from Nu foundland to various parts ov the world, and are kept for the purpose ov dragging the drowning from a watery grave.
Yu will find them in mountaneous countrys, whare thare aint enny water, but little brooks. Here they dont hav mutch to do, in their line ov bizzness, and git verry fatt.
But i am told, that even here, they dont forget their natur, and kan often be seen looking down into the wells, after drowning men.
98This shows the grate power ov instinkt, and the force ov bizzness habits, alwus looking for a job.
I never hav had mi life saved by one ov theze nobel kritters, but am reddy tew hav it done, at enny time, at the usual rates.
Life iz sweet, and it iz cheaper tew hav it saved by a dog than by a doktor.
But these dogs are all hydropaths, and thare iz sum pholks so kussid sentimental that they had rather die than be doktered bi ennything else than an old skool allopath.
I am just phool enuff, if I waz in the pond, just at the pint ov deth on ackount ov too mutch water, and thare waz a Nufoundland dog standing on the shore out ov a job, I should let him handle the case, rather than send four miles for a regular dokter.
I may be all wrong in this, but if the dog hauled me out all right, I should hav time tew repent ov mi blunder, and next time send for a physician with a diploma.
It iz never too late tew repent ov a blunder, not if you hav got plenty ov time on hand that you don’t kno what to do with.
I never hav owned a Nufoundland dog, but just az soon as i git able tew board one, without skrimping mi family, i mean to buy one, or borro one, just for hiz board.
I don’t know ov ennything more magnificent than tew hav 99 a grate illustrious Nufoundland dog tew follow yu in a mountaneous country.
I liv at Pordunk (the home ov the Billings family) and Pordunk iz not a wet place.
Thare iz sum good wells thare, and two grocerys, but the water priviliges at Pordunk are used only az a beverage.
Thare iz only one Nufoundland dog now at Pordunk, and i think the town would support two.
I don’t suppose i should hav work enuff tew keep one ov theze nobel animals bizzy hauling drowning men out ov wells, but in the spring ov the year, after the gardens waz made, i could lend him out tew the nabors tew run in the gardens.
I don’t kno ov enny thing better tew keep the angleworms, and early lettiss, and beets out ov a garden than a full-grown Nufoundland pup.
It iz nothing but phun tew giv them a kalf-skin boot, and turn them out into a nu-made garden, and see them kick up their heels, stir up the garden, and jerk the boot.
I am almoste krazy tew hav a Nufoundland dog.
THE RAT TARRIER.
Theze dear little pets ov the dog perswashun are natiffs ov the ile ov Grate Brittain.
They are born there with grate precision and purity ov karakter, hav a pedigree az klean az the queen’s, and as free from spots az a nu tin dipper.
A rat tarrier who could ketch 97 rats a day, with a rust on his pedigree, ain’t worth only haff az mutch in market az one with a pure set ov ansestors, who couldn’t ketch only 43 rats.
It iz hard work for a kussed phool tew see this, but it takes edukashun tew see theze things.
A man without edukashun kan stand out doors in a klear night and count the moon, and he won’t see enny thing but a grate chunk ov light sumthing bigger than a kartwheel.
But you let an edukated man stan out there by his side, and he kan see turnpikes, and toll gates, and torch-lite proceshuns, 100 and wimmin’s rites convenshuns, and municipal rings, and koporashun thieving in it.
Edukashun iz bully.
The rat tarrier iz not so mutch dog, az a personal matter, az the Nufoundland iz, but he haz more grit to the square inch.
Just so the hornet haz got more sting tew them than a shanghi pullet haz, and an angleworm haz more grit in them than an hanakonda haz. Natur bosses these jobs, and natur never underlets a kontract. There is one thing I alwus did like natur for, she don’t take the trouble tew explain. She don’t object tew persons asking questions, and guessing at things, but if enny boddy asks her whi a frog kan jump further at one highst than a tud kan, she tells the phellow (if she tells him ennything) never tew bet on the tud, unless he wants tew looze his munny.
I never hav had the happiness yet to own a rat tarrier even, in fakt i hav allus been poor, and haven’t been beforehanded enuff yet tew own a dog.
I mean sum time tew hav a rat tarrier, and then I suppoze, to enjoy myself, I shall have tew git sum rats. This iz the way with all the luxurys ov life, one luxury makes another one necessary. Thar iz one thing certain, if i ever do own a Nufoundland, or rat tarrier, they hav got tew be thorobred. I must kno all ov their relashuns, inkluding their mother-in-law, and if thare iz a blot on thur reputashun, as big as a fli spek, the dog wont sute me.
I must hav the pedigree all rite, if the dog aint wuth a kuss.
THE MONKEY.
The monkey iz a human being, a little undersised, kivvered with hair, hitched to a tail, and filled with the devil.
Naturalists will tell you, if you ask them, that i am mistaken, that i mean well enuff, and don’t mean tew deceive ennybody, but the monkey iz not a human being, he iz simply a 101 pun on humanity, a kind of malishus joke ov Jupiter’s, a libel, with a long tail tew it, a misterious mixtur ov ludikrous mischief, and stale humor, a kind of pacing hobbyhoss, or connekting gang-plank, between man in his dignity and the beast in his darkness.
I hav a hi opinyun ov the naturalist, and all kinds ov the dictionary fraternity, and touch mi hat tew them, when we meet, and i respect them for what they know, but don’t worship them for what they don’t know, as the heathens do, their wodden gods.
I don’t kare what the philosophers say they kan prove in this matter, i tell you confidenshally, mi christian friend, that you and the monkey, are relashuns.
I don’t pretend tew say that you are brothers and sisters, but i do pretend tew state, that monkeys, or enny other kind ov critters, who exercise reason, even if the light ov it, is dim az a number six dip candle, in the rays ov the noon day sun, are our relashuns, for a certain amount.
The only fence between the animal and brute folks, iz instinkt and reason, and if the natralist kant prove that the monkey don’t show a single glimmering ov reason, i say he must step oph from the monkey’s tail, and let him eat at the fust table.
The monkey iz imitative tew the highest degree, and imitashun iz a direkt transgreshun ov the law ov instinkt, and iz fallow ground within the domain of reazon.
Instinkt don’t step one single step aside, tew smell ov a flower or pull a cat’s tail.
But argument ain’t mi fighting weight, i git along the best by asserting things az they strike me, and i say upwards ov four thousand things every year, that i kant prove, enny more than i kan prove what melody iz.
The naturalist may hav their own way, but they kant hav mine, what little i know about things haz bin whispered tew me by the spirits, or some other romping critters, and is az distinkt and butiful, sumtimes to me, as a dream on an empty stummuk; it may be all wrong but it never iz viscious, and thus i konklude it iz edukashun.
102Now i don’t advise ennybody else tew depend for their learning upon sich prekarious school masters, the best way iz tew follow the ruts, it will take you to town just az it did yure daddy.
The route that i travel iz cirkuitus and blind sometimes, it haz now and then a vista, or a landscape in it, that iz worth, tew me, more than a farm ov tillable land, but you kant raize good white beans on a landskape.
Whenever i drop mi subject, and begin tew strut in the subburbs ov sentimentility and proverbial pomposity, i alwus think ov a gobble turkey, in a barn-yard, on dress parade, and that is jist what i am thinking ov now, and therefore i will dismount from the turkey, and git aboard the monkey, (the monkey az he am) once more.
Pure deviltry iz the monkeys right bower; he iz only valuable, (az personal property) tew look at, and wonder what he iz a going tew do next.
He iz a jack at all trades, put him in a barber shop, he will lather, and try tew shave himself, and color his mustash, put him in a dri good store, and he will handle more goods, than the best retail clerk in A. T. Stewart’s employ.
The monkey haz not got a logikal head, it iz tew mutch like a pin hed, all in a heap to onst, but hiz face is a concentrated dew drop of malishus mischief.
He resembles the rat tarrier in countenance, and skratches hiz hed, az natral az a distrikt skool boy, and undoubtedly for the same reason.
Monkeys never grow enny older in expreshun, a yung monkey looks just like his grandpapa, melted up and born again.
They are sometimes kept as pets, but i should rather watch two adopted orphan boys, fresh from the Home of the Friendless, than two monkeys.
They will eat everything that a man will, except bolony sarsage, here they show more instinkt, than reason.
But after all, tho the monkey shows evident sighns ov reazon, they are, az a means ov praktikal grace, the most useless kritters i hav ever pondered over and skratched mi head about.
103They won’t work, and they won’t play, unless they kan raize sum devil, they are too mutch like a human being in looks, and actions to kill off, it is impossible tew gaze at one and git mad at him, and it iz impossible tew laff at their smirking santanity, without getting mad at yureself.
If enny boddy should make me a present ov a monkey, i don’t know now, whether i should konsider it intended for malice, or a joke, but i do know, that i should send him back bi the same person that fetched him, tew the donor, marked in loud italicks—C. O. D.
In conklusion; thare iz only one thing that i have a grate supply ov doubt about, in reference tew the monkey, and that iz his moral stamina, while in the garden ov Eden, with the rest ov the critters, previous tew the time that Adam fell;—was he strickly on the square, or was he just az full ov the devil az he is now?
An answer tew the above konumdrum iz earnestly solicited.
THE PISSMIRE.
The pissmire iz about 19 sizes bigger than the ant, aktual meazurement, and iz a kind ov bizzy loafer among bugs.
They are like sum men, alwus very bizzy about sumthing, but what it iz, the Lord only knows.
I never see a pissmire yet that wasn’t on the travel, but i hav watched them all day long, and never see them git tew the place they started for.
Just before a hard shower they are in the biggest hurry, they seem tew postpone every thing for that ockashun.
Thar iz a grate difference between hurry and dispatch, but pissmires dont seem to understand the difference.
If pissmires would go slower I should like them better, for i dont know ov ennything more unpleasant to view, than an aktive loafer.
A pissmire iz like a boys wind mill, on the gable end ov a smoke house, in a gale, the faster it goze round, the less common sense thare seems tew be in it.
104If pissmires haint got a destiny ov sum kind tew fill they wear out more shu leather than thare iz enny religion in.
THE POLE KAT.
My friend, did yu ever examin the fragrant pole kat clussly? I guess not, they are a kritter who won’t bear examining with a microskope.
They are butiful beings, but oh! how deceptive.
Their habits are phew, but unique.
They bild their houses out ov earth and the houses hav but one door tew them, and that iz a front door.
When they enter their houses they don’t shut the door after them.
They are called pole kats bekause it iz not convenient tew kill them with a klub, but with a pole, and the longer the pole the more convenient.
Writers on natural history, dissagree about the right length ov the pole tew be used, but i would suggest, that the pole be about 365 feet, espeshily if the wind iz in favor ov the pole kat.
When a pole kat iz suddenly walloped with a long pole, the fust thing he, she, or it duz, iz tew embalm the air, for menny miles in diameter, with an akrlmonious olifaktory refreshment, which permeates the ethereal fluid, with an entirely original smell.
105This smell iz less popular, in the fashionable world, than lubins extrakt, but the day may cum when it will be bottled up like musk, and sold for 87 1-2 cents per bottle; bottles small at that.
A pole kat will remove the filling from a hens egg, without braking a hole in the shell, bigger than a marrow fat pea.
How this iz did historians hav left us to doubt.
This iz vulgarily called “surking eggs.”
This iz an accomplishment known amung humans, which it iz sed, they hav learnt from the pole kats.
Pole kats also deal in chickens, yung turkeys, and yung goslins.
They won’t tutch an old goose, they are sound on that question.
Man iz the only phellow who will attempt tew bight into an old goose, and his teeth fly oph a grate menny times before he loosens enny ov the meat.
A pole kat travels under an alias, which is called skunk. Thare iz a grate menny aliases that thare iz no accounting for, and this iz one ov them.
I hav kaught skunks in a trap. They are eazier tew git into a trap than tew git out ov it.
In taking them out ov a trap grate judgment must be had not tew shake them up; the more yu shake them up the more ambrosial they am.
One pole kat in a township is enuff, espeshily if the wind changes once in a while.
A pole kat skin iz wuth 2 dollars, in market, after it iz skinned, but it iz wuth 3 dollars and fifty cents tew skin him.
This iz one way tew make 12 shillings in a wet day.
THE WEAZEL.
The weazel haz an eye like a hawk, and a tooth like a pickerel.
They kan see on all three sides of a right angle tri angle board fence, at once, and kan bite thru a side ov sole leather.
106They alwus sleep with one eye open, and the other on the wink, and are quicker than spirits ov turpentine, and a lighted match.
It iz no disgrace for a streak ov litening tew strike at a weazel and miss him.
If I owned a weazel, litening mite strike at him all day for 50 cents a clap.
I hav tried tew kill them in a stun wall with a rifle, but they would dodge the ball, when it got within six inches ov them, and stick their heads out ov another krack, three feet further oph.
They are the hardest kritter amung the small game tew ketch or tew kill, yu kant coax one into a trap, and keep him thare, enny more than yu could ketch a ray of light, with a knot hole.
Weazles are skarse, but the supply alwus equals the demand, they aint useful only for one thing, and that iz, too kill chickens.
They will kill 14 chickens in one night, and take off the blood with them, leaving the corpse behind.
I hunted 3 weeks for a weazle once (it iz now six years ago), and knu just whare he waz all the the time, and hain’t got him yet.
I offered 10 dollars reward for him, and hold the stakes yet.
Every boy in that naborhood waz after that weazle nite and day, and I had tew withdraw the reward to keep from breaking up the distrikt skool.
The skoolmaster threatened tew su me if i didn’t, and i did it, for i hate a law suit rather wuss than i do a weazle.
A weazle’s skin, wore on the neck, it iz sed, will kure the quinsy sore thrut, but the phellow who sed this had a sure thing; he knu nobody could ketch the weazle.
I waz told, when i waz a boy, by a cunning cuss, that the way tew ketch a crow waz tew put sum salt on hiz tail. I prakticed all one summer on this, but never got sum crow.
I hav did things az foolish az this since i hav quit being a boy, but prefer tew keep mum what they are.
107Weazles hav got no wisdum, but hav got what iz sumtimes mistaken for it, they hav got cunning.
Cunning stands in the same relashun tew wisdum that a tadpole duz tew a frog, he may git tew be a frog if he keeps on growing, but he aint one now.
Wisdum knows how tew jump, but about the best thing that cunning can do iz tew wiggle.
I hav saw cunning men who thought they waz wize, but i never saw a wise man who thought he waz cunning.
ANGLE WORMS.
Are ov arth, arthy, and crawl for a living. They liv in ritch ground; ground that won’t raize angle-worms won’t raize ennything else, and whare angle-worms rejoice, corn iz sure to be bully. If yu want yure angleworms ov enny size, yu must manure yure sile. There aint nothing on arth more miserable tew ponder over and weep about than a half starved angle-worm. Angleworms are a sure crop on good sile, and handy tew hoe, for they plant and harvest themselfs. They don’t take up mutch room in the ground, and are az kind tew childen az a piece ov red tape.
It iz sed by the naturalists that angle worm ile, rubbed on the rear ov the neck, will kure a man ov the lies. I don’t beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death iz the only reliable heal for lieing that has bin diskovered yet.
When lieing gits into a man’s blood, the only way tew git it out, iz tew drain him dry.
Angle worms are used az an artikle ov diet tew ketch fish with; they are handy tew put onto a hook, and handy tew take oph, az enny boddy knows, who haz straddled a saw log and fished for daice all day long Sunday in a mill pond.
Old fishermen alwus carry their worms in their mouth.
Angle worms liv in a round hole, which they fit like a gimlet, 108 and are diffrent from aul other creeps that I kno ov, for they alwus back into their holes.
Here the natral angle worm ends.
THE MOUSE.
Ever since natur waz diskovered, mice hav had a hole tew till.
Paradise, az good a job az it waz, would not hav bin thoroughly fitted up without a mouse tew dart akross the bowers like a shaddo, and Eve would never have knu how tew skream pretty without one ov these little teachers.
Adam would never hav bin fit tew kontend with the job ov gitting a living outside the garden if he hadn’t trapped suckcessfully for a mouse.
Ketching a mouse iz the fust cunning thing that every man duz.
Mice are the epitome of shrewdness; their faces beam with sharp praktiss; their little noses smell ov cunning, and their little black-beaded eyes titter with pettit larceny.
They are az cheerful az the criket on the harth. I should be afrade tew buy a house that hadn’t a mouse-hole in it.
I like tew see them shoot out ov their hole in the korner, like a wad out ov a pop-gun, and stream akross the nursery, and to hear one nibble in the wainscot, in the midst ov the night, takes the death out ov silence.
Mice alwus move into a new house fust, and are there reddy tew receive and welkum the rest ov the family.
They are more ornamental than useful, ackording to the best informashun we hav az yet; but this iz the case with most things.
Mice cum into this world tew seek their fortune, four at a time, and lay in their little kradles ov cotton or wool, like bits ov rare-dun meat, for a month, with not a rag on them.
109When they dine, they do it jist az a family ov yung piggs duz: each one at their own particular spot at the table, and it is seldum that yu see better-behaved boarders, or them that understand their bizzness more thoroughly.
I hav seen them at their meals, and i will take mi oath that everything iz orderly, and az strikly on the square, as a checker-board.
When mice hav reached their manhood, their tales are just the same length az their boddys. This would seem at fust sight tew be a grate waste ov tail.
The philosophik mind, ever at work, applying means tew ends, might be a bigg phool enuff tew want to know whi a bob-tailed mouse wouldn’t be a better finished job; but philosophy haz no bizzness tew alter things to suit the market. It must take mouse-tails just az they cum, and either glorify them, or shut up.
If there want ennybody in the natral philosophy trade, i hav thought it would be jist as well for natur bekause a man, if he kant orthodox a reason for the entire length ov a mouse’s tale iz often willing tew tell hiz nabors that the whole critter iz a failure.
Sutch iz man; but a mouse iz a mouse.
The mouse kan live ennywhare tew advantage, except in a church. They phatt very slow in a church. This goes tew show that they kant live on religion enny more than a minister kan. Religion iz excellent for digestion.
Thare aint a more prolifick thing on earth (prolifick ov fun i mean now) than a mouse in a distrikt school-house. They are better than a fire-cracker tew stir up a school-marm with, and are just the things tew throw spellin books at when they are on the run.
One mouse will edukate a parcell ov yung ones more in ten minnitts during school time than you can substrakt out ov their heds in three days with Daballs arithmetik.
Now thare iz many folks who kant see enny thing to write about in a mouse; but mice are full ov informashun. The only way that edukashun was fust discovered waz bi going tew 110 school to natur. Books, if they are sound on the goose, are only natur in tipe.
A grate many kontend that a mouse iz a useless kritter; but kan they prove it?
I am willing to give an opinyun that too menny mice might not pay; but this applies to musketoze, elephants, and side-wheel steambotes.
A mouse’s tale iz az unhairy az a shustring. This iz another thing that bothers the philosophers, and i aint agoing to explain it unless i am paid for it.
I hav alreddy explained a grate menny things in the nuzepapers that i never got a cent for.
There aint nothing on earth that will fit a hole so snug az a mouse will. Yu would think they waz made on purpose for it, and they will fill it quicker, too, than ennything i ever saw. If yu want to see a mouse enter hiz hole, yu mustn’t wink. If do, yu will hav tew wait till next time.
I luv mice. They seem tew belong to us.
Rats i dont luv. They lack refinement.
THE YALLER DOG.
Dogs hav infested this world just about az long az man haz, and will hang around it, az long az thare is enny grizzle left on a bone.
We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust dog, and probably shant hav ov the final one.
If Adam kept a tarrier, or Eve a poodle, the laps of ages hav washed away the fakt.
If Noah had a pair ov each breed ov dogs, on board ov hiz vessell, and only one pair ov fleas, he waz well ont for dogs, and poor ont for fleas. But history iz numb on this subjekt.
Esaw waz a mity hunter, but whether he kept a houn, or followed the cent himself, iz az ded, and departed to us, az the chirp ov the fust reliable cricket.
111We read that Esaw sold out hiz birth rite for soup, and menny wonder at hiz extravegance, but Esaw diskovered arly, what menny a man haz diskovered since, that it iz hard work tew live on a pedigree.
If i waz starving, I wouldn’t hesitate tew swap oph all the pedigree I had, and all mi relashuns had, for a quart of pottage, and throw two grate grandfathers into the bargain.
But I don’t intend this essa for dogs in the lump, but for the individual yellar dog himself.
The yellar dog haz no pedigree, the blood in hiz veins iz az krude az petroleum, when it fust cums pumping out ov the earth, bitter, thick, and fiery.
He iz long, and lazily put together, hiz ears flop when he shacks along the dusty thoroughfare, and hiz tail iz a burden.
Thare iz no animashun in a yeller dog’s tail, it iz useless, the flies aint even afraid ov it, it iz wus than a 10 per cent mortgage tew the rest ov hiz boddy.
Whi the Yeller dog aint born diskounted, iz a mistery tew me, but when i ask miself, “Whare would yu hitch the tin pan to,” then at once the folly ov a bob tailed yeller dog, flashes on mi mind.
Ever since this kontinent waz found bi Christopher Columbus, in 1492, and for what i kno, much time previous tew that, 112 the Yeller dog haz been a vagrant, travelling bi moon lite, and hungry bi natur.
Whare he cums from noboddy seems to know, and if yu speak a kind word tew him, he thinks it a kite in disguise, and straddling hiz tail, with both hind legs, he goes suspicious, and sideways, on his lonesum jurney.
Mankind hav made him a vagabond, and life to him iz made up ov starvashun, and brickbats.
If he cums out ov hiz lurking place in the hot ov august, he iz a “mad dog,” and the common council at once assemble, the riot act iz read, 50 dollars reward iz offered, men cum panting into town, crieing “mad dog,” their two horse waggon waz bit that morning, bi a yaller dog, the fury rages, old guns are kleaned up, the cannon iz run out on the village green, dames talk to dames ov the awful event, men look sober and defiant, boys pocket their marbles in the midst ov the game, pigs run squealing tew their hovels, and the whole boddy politik surges with horror.
The poor innocent whelp haz done hiz worst, and while a whole village iz in the extacys ov hydrophobia he has passed on, and may be seen, tugging away, in the subburbs, at the shin bone ov a departed omnibus hoss.
The yeller dog haz but one friend among men, and that iz the darkey.
A common misfortune links them together.
Why iz it, that the old negro, and hiz yeller dog, are vagabonds on the face ov the earth?
Mans inhumanity iz wuss than the malice ov wild beasts.
A day ov reckoning will cum, a day ov judgment, and i kant tell but what the yeller dog will be thare, a mute witness, and then, and thare, will the grate problem be solved.
This wurld iz phull ov grate wrongs, and the next one will az certainly be az phull ov grate retribushuns.
I kant endure the sight ov oppreshun, it disgraces mi manhood, if i had money enuff i would like tew buy even all the yeller dogs thare iz now on the buzzum ov the earth, and make them respekted and happy.
113But i haint got the money, nor never shall hav, but az long az i hav strength tew steer a gooze quill, and blood enuff in mi heart for ink, i will bid mankind beware ov oppreshun, i dont kare whether it is in hi places or low, the oppreshun ov caste, the oppreshun ov wealth, or even the low, and degrading oppreshun, ov a tin pale, in hot pursuit, ov the friendless, yelping, yeller dog.
Yeller dogs will sumtime, and sumwhare, hav their day, and when the huge piles ov brikbats, and mountains ov old tin ware, cums into court, i want tew be thare, for i am anxious tew know what the line ov defence will be.
ROOSTERS.
Thare is not on the whole horizon or ov live natur a more pleazing and strengthening studdy than the Rooster. This remarkable package of feathers has bin for ages food for philosophik, as well as the simple currious mind. They belong tew the feathered sekt denominated poultry, and are the husbands of menny wives. In Utah it is konsidered a disgrace tew speak disrespekful of a rooster. Brigham Young’s coat ov arms is a rooster, in full blast, crowing till he is almost bent over double backwards.
The flesh ov the rooster is very similar tew the flesh ov the hen; it is hard tew distinguish the diffrence espeshily in yure soup. Roosters are the pugilists amung the domestik burds; they wear the belt, and having no shoulder tew strike from, they strike from the heel.
Roosters, according to profane history, if mi edukashun remembers me right, were formerly a man, who come suddenly upon one ov the heathen gods, at a time when he want prepared tew see company, and waz, fur that offense, rebuilt over into the fust rooster, and waz forever afterward destined to crow, as a kind ov warning. This change from a man akounts for their fighting abilities, and for their politeness tew the 114 hens. Thare is nothing in a man that a woman admires more than his reddyness and ability tew smash another fellow, and it iz jiss so with a hen. When a rooster gits licked, the hens all march oph with the other rooster, if he ain’t haff so big or handsome.
It iz pluck that wins a hen or a woman.
Thare iz grate variety ov pedigree amung the rooster race, but for stiddy bizzness give me the old fash dominique rooster, short-legged, and when they walk, they alwus strut, and their buzzums stick out, like an alderman’s abdominal cupboard. This breed iz hawk-colored, and haz a crooked tail on them, arched like a sickle, and az full ov feathers as a new duster.
But when you come right down to grit, and throw all outside influences overboard, thare aint nothing on earth, nor under it, that kan out-style, out-step, out-brag, or out-pluck a regular Bantam rooster.
They alwus put me in mind ov a small dandy, prakticing before a looking-glass.
They don’t weigh more than 30 ounces, but they make az mutch fuss az a ton, i have seen them trieing tew pik a quarrel with a two hoss waggon, and don’t think they would hesitate tew fight a meeting house, if it waz the least bit sassy tew them.
It is more than fun tew hear one ov these little chevaliers crow, it iz like a four-year old baby trieing tew sing a line out ov the Star Spangled Banner.
The hen partner in this concern iz the most exquisit little boquet ov neatness and feathers that the eye ever roosted on. They are az prim az a premature yung lady. It is a luxury to watch their daintyness, tew see them lay each feather with their bills, in its place, and preside over themselfs with az mutch delikasy and pride az a belle before her mirror.
But the consumation iz tew see the wife a mother, leading out six little chicks a bugging; six little chicks no bigger than bumbelbees.
It seems tew be necessary that there should be sumthing 115 outrageous in evrything, tew show us whare propriety ends and impropriety begins. This iz melancholly, the case in the rooster affair, for we hav the shanghi rooster, the gratest outrage, in mi opinyun, ever committed in the annals ov poultry.
Theze kritters are the camels amung fowls, they mope around the barnyard, tipping over the hay racks and stepping on the yung goslins, and evry now and then they crow confusion.
If enny body should giv me a shanghi rooster i should halter him, and keep him in a box stall, and feed him on cut feed, and if he would work kind in harness, all right, if not, i would butcher him the fust wet day that cum, and salt him down tew give tew the poor.
But thare ain’t noboddy a going tew giv me one ov this breed, knot if i know it, i don’t think thare iz a man on earth mean enuff to do it.
Roosters do but very little household work, they wont lay enny eggs, nor try tew hatch enny, nor see tew the yung ones; this satisfys me that thare is sum truth in the mythologikal ackount ov the rooster’s fust origin.
Yu kant git a rooster to pay enny attenshun tew a yung one, they spend their time in crowing, strutting, and occassionly find a worm, which they make a remarkabell fuss over, calling up their wifes from a distance, apparently tew treat them, but just az the hens git thare, this elegant and elaborate cuss bends over and gobbles up the morsel.
Just like a man, for all the world.
THE FOX.
Of all the beasts who roam the hill tops, or clime the plains, thare is none who makes so few blunders, and so many good hits as the fox.
His shewdness iz more than a match for the lion’s strength, his logick iz more than a match for the malice ov the wolf 116 and hiz politeness and defference makes him the fop and gentleman ov the forest.
The fox is a literary cuss; he haz been the hero ov history, fable, and song, from the fust dawn ov oral or written knowledge. He waz a genius long before ackedemick honors flourished; he waz a poet, skoller and sage before the days ov Homer and Herodotus, and now, in our times, he is the Ben Butler ov diplomacy an the Brigham Young ov matrimony.
The fox is purely a game bird. It costs on an average fifty dollars tew ketch him, and when he iz caught he aint worth more than ten shillings. He follers no regular bizzness for sustenance, but livs on the chances and on hiz wit.
He iz a fleshy-minded sinner, and hiz blandness iz too mutch for the quaintness ov the goose, the melankolly reserve ov the turkey, or the pompous rhetorick ov the rooster. They all kneel tew the logick of hiz tounge, and find themselfs at rest in his stummuk.
He luvs lam & green peas, but will diskount the peas rather than lose hiz dinner, and will go a mile and a half out ov his way to be polite to a duck or a goslin.
But the most lively trait in the fox iz his cunning; he alwas pettyfogs hiz own case, and wins a great deal oftener than he loses.
Foxes are not like men, kritters ov habit; they never do a thing twice with the same figures, and often alter their mind before they do a thing once. This is the effect of too mutch genius.
There iz this difference between genius and common sense in a fox: Common sense iz governed bi circumstances, but circumstances iz governed by genius.
The fox haz no moral honesty, but he haz got a grate supply ov politikal honesty. If another fox in his parish wants a phatt goose, he will work hard and get the goose for him, and then clean the meat all oph from the outskirts ov the goose for pettyfogging the case, and giv him the bones, and tell hiz politikal friend, with a smile in the left corner of his eye, that “everything is lovely and the goose hangs high.”
117
A SLY FOX—THE MORE YOU PUT DOWN THE LESS YOU TAKE UP.
Foxes have learnt this piety from watching the men git geese for each other, and if animals don’t want their piety tew git sour, they must keep away from the men week days. The fox is tew mutch ov a pollytician to invest his religion in enny sich indigenous trash. He knows that sosiety haz claims on him, and are indebted tew him for sum goose, and expekt to be for several more. This iz a nobel trait in the fox, and shows that he aint a child ov ingratitude.
Foxes cum out ov the ground, but whether they are made out ov dirt i kant sware with much certainty. They cum out ov the ground through the instrumentality ov a hole, but whether the hole begins at the surface and runs into the mountain, or whether it begins in the mountain and runs tew the surface, don’t make a kussid bit ov difference.
But philosophers hav argued about this hole bizzness for years. Sum ov them say it runs in, and sum ov them be darned if it duz; and right here we can see the amazing difference between the logick ov the philosophers and the logick ov the fox. While they stand fiteing at the mouth ov the hole, the fox iz stealing their ducks and goslins.
Foxes are like cunning men—they hav but few brains, and but a small place tew keep them in, but what few they hav got are like angle worms in hot water—full ov anxiety and mizery.
118Cunning is a branding iron; the letters on it are small, but alwus red-hot, and they read thus—Look out for the fox.
A YARN.—THE AUNT, AND THE GRASSHOPPER.
Once on a previous time, about four hundred thousand years ago, in the old ov the moon, during a verry dry spell ov weather, just after a hard frost, when grass butter waz skass, while venus was an evening star. An old ant, who had lost awl ov her front teeth, and waz twisted with the rhumatiz, and a pollypurse in her noze, sot in an eazy chair, near the front door ov an aunt hill, superintendin a phatt kurnell ov wheat, which the yung aunts were trieing tew git down cellar, into their house.
Jisst then along cum a loafing grasshopper, smoking a pipe, and singing, “Begone dull care, i pray thee begone from me.”—and spieing the old ant, giving orders tew the yung aunts, he stopt tew hav a talk with her.
“Good morning, old mother Industry, good morning!” sed the grassbug. “A fine cernal ov wheat that, yu are rooling in!
“Hav yu heard the grate news?
“Dredfull sharp frost last night!
“Winter will soon set in, i reckon!
“I herd the owls hute last nite!
“Terribel bad acksident on the Harlem road yesterday!
“When dew yu think specie payments will be took up?
“Thare! mi pipe haz gone out, kant yu lend me a match?
“How menny aunts hav yu got in yure village?
“Enny sickness amungst them?
“I wonder if thare iz enny truth in the dispatch, that the pissmires, down on Sandy Creek, hav all struck for higher wages?
“Who do yu think yure ants will vote for for justiss ov the peace?
119“What iz yure sold opinyun ov the new license law, will it make rum enny skarser?
“Do yu buy enny grocerys ov old Ferguson, i hope not, he iz a mean old skinflinter, he sold me, only last week, a peace ov bar sope, for sum beeswax.
“The world iz gitting more full ov wussness every day!
“I wonder if thare iz enny truth in what every boddy sez, about old Square Benson, that he kant pay, only now and then sum ov hiz dets!
“Do yu see much ov the krickets now a days?
“I should really like tew kno how they are gitting along; rather tuff times for them i guess, yu don’t think they will winter, do yu?
“When duz the moon change now days?
“Hav yu got enny onion seeds tew spare, that yu kan reckomend?
“Dew yu think England will ever pay the Allabarmer klaims?
“I kant see what makes the cockroaches so stuck up, i met one this morning, and before i could put two civil questions at him he was out ov sight!
“Sum folks are alwus in sich a swetting hurry!
“Aint thare sum good law agin the spiders bilding their webs in the grass?
“How mutch wheat haz yure aunts got laid up; yu must hav sum tew spare?
“I wonder if it wont up and rain, before tommorrow?
“They tell me that maple sugar iz a drug in the market, owing to its peculiar mutchness; yu kant tell, kan yu, whether this iz so or not, i wish yu could!
“Mi opinyun now iz, that he who livs to see next year, will see buckwheat a bigg crop!
“I overheard the older hens say, az i cum past nabor Sherman’s lower barn this morning, that eggs waz gitting a good deal on plenty, and they must git tew work agin!
“Well! i am in an awful hurry, i am going down tew tend a jumping match between Springsteel, and Steelspring, two yung grasshoppers; this iz tew be the last hop ov the seazon.
120“I must be a going!
“I am uncommon sorry i kant stay longer, and make yu a good visit.
“By the way! Old mother Industry, i hav got a profound sekret, that i want to tell yu, but i wouldn’t hav it known bi ennyboddy, for awl the world, if it should git out once, it would ruin me!”
“Then keep the sekret yureself,” spoke the ant, “it iz worth more to yu than ennyboddy else.”
This iz every word the bizzy old ant sed, but kept her eye all the time on the phatt keernel ov wheat and the loafing grasshopper moved off, whistling “Sally cum up.”
REMARKS.
This iz the way with all loafers, if they kant steal yure time with idle questions, their last dodge iz to steal yure credulity with an idle sekret.
A HEN.
A hen is a darn phool, they was born so bi natur.
When natur undertakes tew make a phool, she hits the mark the fust time.
Most all the animile kritters hav instinkt, which is wuth more to them than reason would be, for instinkt don’t make enny blunders.
If the animiles had reason, they would akt just as ridikilus as we men folks do.
But a hen don’t seem tew hav even instinkt, and was made expressly for a phool.
I hav seen a hen fly out ov a good warm shelter, on the 15th ov January, when the snow was 3 foot high, and lite on the top ov a stun wall, and coolly set thare, and freeze tew deth.
Noboddy but a darn phool would do this, unless it was tew save a bet.
121I hav saw a human being do similar things, but they did it tew win a bet.
To save a bet, is self-preservashun, and self-preservashun, is the fust law ov natur, so sez Blakstone, and he is the best judge ov law now living.
If i couldn’t be Josh Billings, i would like, next in suit tew be Blakstone, and compoze sum law.
Thare iz one law i would compoze, which iz this, “no yung snob shall walk on 5th avenew on the Sabbath day, and twitch hiz hat oph more than two times, on each block, to persons on the opposite side ov the street, whom he dont kno, and who dont know him.”
I would hav this law compozed in brass, and send a coppy ov it to all the bar tenders, and cigar shop clerks, in the city.
This would soon put a stop tew this kind ov snobosity.
But notwithstanding all this, a hen continues tew be a darn phool.
I like all kinds ov phools, they cum nearer tew filling their destiny than ennyboddy i kno ov.
They don’t never make enny blunders, but tend rite tew bizzness.
The principal bizzness, ov an able boddyed hen, iz tew lay eggs, and when she haz laid 36 ov them, then she iz ordained tew set still on them, until they are born, this iz the way yung hens fust see life.
The hen haz tew spred herself pretty well tew cover 36 eggs, but i hav seen her do it, and hatch out 36 yung hens.
When a hen fust walks out, with 36 yung hens supporting her, the party looks like a swarm ov bumble bees.
Thare aint nothing phoolish in all this, but yu put 36 white stuns, under this same hen, and she will set thare till she hatches out the stones.
I hav seen them do this too—i dont wish tew say, that i hav seen them hatch out the stones, but i hav seen them set on the stones, untill i left that naberhood, which waz two years ago, and i dont hesitate tew say, the hen iz still at work, on that same job.
122Noboddy but a phool would stik tew bizzness az cluss az this.
Hens are older than Methuseler, and gro older till they die.
Now I dont want it understood, that enny one hen ken, kan commense life, with the usual kapital, and live 999 years.
This waz the exact age ov Methuseler, if I have been informed correktly.
I simply want tew be understood, that hens (az a speciality) laid, cackled, and sot a long time before Methuseler did.
After reading this last statement over agin, i dont kno az i make myself fluently understood yet.
I dont undertake tew say, that Mr. Methuseler, cackled, and sot, what i want tew prove, iz the fakt, that hens were here, and doing bizzness in their line, before Methuseler waz.
Now I hav got it.
Thare iz one thing about a hen that looks like wisdum, they don’t cackle mutch untill after they have laid their egg.
Sum pholks are alwus a bragging, and a cackling, what they are going tew do before-hand.
A hen will set on one egg just az honest az she will set on 36 eggs, but a hen with one chicken iz always a painful sight tew me.
I never knu an only chicken do fust rate, the old hen spiles them waiting on them, and then it tires out the old hen, more than 36 chickens would.
I think this rule works both ways, among poultry, and among other pholks.
I have seen a hen set on 36 duck eggs, and hatch the whole ov them out, and then try tew learn them tew skratch in the garden.
But a ducks phoot aint bilt right for skratching in the ground, it iz better composed for skratching in the water.
When the young ducks takes tew the water, it iz melankolly, and hart brakeing, tew see the old hen, stand on the brim ov the mil pond, and wring her hands, and holler tew the ducks, tew come right strate out ov that water, or they will all git drowned.
123I have seen this did too, but i never see the ducks come out till they got reddy, nor never see a young duck git drowned.
Yu kant drown a young duck, they will stand az mutch water az a sponge will.
One egg, per diem, iz all that a hen ought to lay, espeshily nu beginner, but there iz sum smart writers on the subjekt, who claim they ought tew lay two.
This needs more testimony.
Az an artikle ov diet, thare is but phew things that surpass cooked hen, if eaten in the days ov their youth and innosense, but after they git old, and kross, they kontrakt a habit ov eating tuff.
After thinking the thing over, and over, and over, I am still prepared tew say, that a hen is a darn phool, ennyhow you kan fix it.
I don’t speak of this as enny disgrace two the hen, it only shows that natur dont even make a phool without a destiny.
Az long as hens phill their destiny, eggs won’t git tew be worth over 25 cents a dozen, and broiled chicken will be one ov the luxurys ov life.
Thare iz grate proffit, and sum loss, in razeing chickens, the loss iz the heavyest when sum boddy brakes into the chicken coop, and steals all the chickens.
Thare iz a grate menny breeds ov hens, just now, but the old-fashioned speckled hen breed iz the most flattering.
124After they hav laid an egg, they aint afraid tew say so, and kan outkackle all other breeds ov hens, and when yu come tew scratching up a garden, they are wuth two ov enny other kind.
I dont kno ov enny sight that pleases me more than tew see an old speckled hen cum sputtering oph from her nest and pitch, feet fust, into a new made garden.
I suppoze if I owned the garden this thing might not look so phunny tew me, but yu see, I dont own enny garden.
I belong tew that misfortunate klass ov real estate men who dont own enny garden, and I have sumtimes wondered if it want just about az proffitable for me tew enjoy the skratching up ov the garden, and let them other folks who own the hens and the garden do their own gitting mad and swearing.
THE GOTE.
The gote iz a koarse wollen sheep.
They hav a split hoof and a whole tail.
They hav a good appetite, and a sanguine digestion.
They swallo what they eat, and will eat ennything they kan bite.
Their moral karakters are not polished, they had rather steal a rotten turnip, out ov a garbage-box, than tew cum honestly bi a pek ov oats.
The male gote haz two horns on the ridge ov hiz hed, and a mustash on hiz bottom lip, and iz the plug ugly ov hiz naberhood.
A maskuline gote will fite ennything, from an elephant down to hiz shadder on a ded wall.
They strike from their but-end, insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit, az a hammer iz a nailhed.
They are a hi seazoned animal, az mutch so az a pound ov assifidity.
125They are faithful critters, and will stick tew a friend az long az he livs in a shanty.
They kan klime ennything but a greast pole, and kno the way up a rock, az natral az a woodbine.
They are az certain tew raize az yung ones, sum familys are haff gotes, and the other haff children. They are good eating when they are yung, but they leave it oph az they git stronger.
They are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt in the stumick, what they eat seems to all go to appetight, yu mite az well agree tew phatt an injun rubber over shew bi filling it with klam shells, az tew raize enny adipoze membrane on the outside bust ov a gote.
A phatt gote would be a literary curiosity.
They use the same dialekt az the sheep, and the yung ones speak the language more fluently than the parients do.
Thare iz only two animals ov the earth that will eat tobakko—one iz a man and tuther iz a gote, but the gote understands it the most, for he swallers the spit, chaw and all.
The male gote, when he iz pensiv, iz a venerable and philosophy looking old cuss, and wouldn’t make a bad proffessor ov arithmetik in sum ov our colleges.
They are handy at living a longtime, reaching an advanced age without arriving at enny definite konklusion.
How long a gote livs without giving it up, thare iz no man now old enuff tew tell.
Methuzeler, if hiz memory waz bad at forgetting, mite giv a good-sized guess, but unfortunately for science and this essa, Methuzeler aint here.
Gotes will liv in enny klimate, and on enny vittles, except tanbark, and if they ever cum to a square death, it iz a profound sekret, in the hands of a few, to this day.
I wouldn’t like tew beleave enny man under oath who had ever seen a maskuline gote acktually die, and stay so.
Speaking ov Methuzeler, puts me in mind ov the fackt, if a man should liv now daze, as mutch az he did, and only hav one eye tew see things with, he would hav to hav an addishun bilt onto the back ov hiz head tew sto away things into.
126The femail gote iz either the mother, or sister, or cuzzin ov the male gote, ackording tew the prevailing circumstansis in the case, or else i labour under a delusion, i forget witch.
They giv milk intuitively about a quart, before it iz watered, in twelve hours, which iz the subjickt ov nourishment in various ways.
This milk, whitch is extrakted from the female gote, iz excellent tew finish up yung ones on, but is apt to make them bellycose, and fightful.
It iz not unkommon for a babe, while inhaleing this pugnashus fluid, to let oph hiz left colleckshun or diggit and ketch the nurse on the pinnakle ov the smeller, and tap it for claret.
This iz a kommon fakt amung irish babes, and explains the reazon whi, in after life, these same babes make such brilliant hits.
In writing the history ov the male and female gote tew adorn the pages ov futer times, i flatter miself that i hav stuck tew the truth, and haven’t allowed mi imaginashun tew boss the job.
A grate menny ov our best bilt historians are apt tew mistake opinyuns for facts, this iz an eazy mistake tew make, but when i strike a goose, or bed bugg, or gote, yu notis one thing, i stay with them.—Finis.
GOOSE TALK.
The goose is a grass-animal but don’t chaw her cud.
They are good livers; about one aker to a goose iz enuff, altho there iz sum folks who thinks one goose tew 175 akers, iz nearer right.
These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difficult tew tell now, which will finally win.
127But i don’t think, if i had a farm ov 175 akers, awl paid for, that i would sell it for half what it was worth, just bekauze it didn’t hav but one goose on it. Geese stay well; sum ov our best biographers say, 70 years, and grow tuff tew the last.
GOOSE TALK.
They lay one egg at once, about the size of a goose egg in which the gosling lies hidd.
The gosling iz the goose’s babe.
The goose don’t suckle hiz young, but turns him out tew pasture on sumboddy’s vacant lot.
They seem tew lack wisdum, but are considered generally sound on the goose.
They are good eating, but not good chawing; the reason ov this remains a profound sekret to this day.
When the femail goose iz at work hatching, she iz a hard bird tew please; she riles clear up from the bottom in a minnit, and will fight a yoke ov oxen, if they show her the least bit ov sass. The geese iz excellent for feathers, which she sheds every year by the handful.
They are also amphibicuss, besides several other kinds ov cuss.
But they are mostly cureiss about one thing: they kan haul one leg up into their body, and stand on tuther, awl day, and not tutch ennything with their hands.
I take notis, thare ain’t but darn few men kan dew this.
128“THE CLAM.”
The clam iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under side ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don’t cum out ov his shell. He iz deserted by his parents at a young and tender age, but don’t bekum clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps watch with hiz mouth, for sumthin tew cum along.
Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold and clammy, but he must hav a relish for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time.
Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they sumtimes git into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky; they hav got an impediment in their noize; their lips open with too much titeness, and their mouth iz tew full ov tongue tew be glib.
Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How long a clam kan live I don’t beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5 thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted; a clam’s time aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuff in; it is jiss so with sum other folks I kno ov.
SNAILS, SNAIKS, AND BABYS.
The slowest gaited animal on the face ov the earth iz the snail.
They are one ov the phew who take their house with them, when they go away from home.
Snails are sed tew be delikate eating, but if i kan hav all the hash i want, i will try and struggle along without any snail. You kant phool me with hash, I kno how that iz made, but i don’t kno how snail are put together. Ignorance iz sed tew be bliss, and i hav often thought that it waz, and if i don’t never kno how snails taste, i don’t think now i shall repent ov it.
129It haz always been a source ov mutch doubt with me, in mi hours ov contemplashun, which waz made fust, the snail or hiz shell, but if i don’t know even this, i don’t mean tew git mad about it.
I hav grate phaith in enny job that natur turns out, and i had rather hav phaith than knowledge, it saves a grate deal ov hard work. It costs a grate deal to kno all about things, and then yu ain’t certain, but phaith iz cheap, and don’t make enny blunders.
Science iz smart, but she kant tell yu what makes the flowers blush so menny different colors, but phaith can. Science on a deth bed iz a pigmy, but phaith iz a giant.
STRIPED SNAKE.
The striped snake iz one ov the slipperyest jobs that natur ever turned loose.
They travel on the lower side ov themselfs, and kan slip out ov sight like blowing out a kandle. They were made for sum good purpose, but i never hav bin informed for what, unless it waz tew hav their heds smashed.
They are sed tew be innocent, but they hav got a bad reputashun, and all the innocence in the world won’t kure a bad reputashun.
They liv in the grass but seldom git stept on, bekauze they don’t stay long enuff in the right place.
130When i waz a little boy, and wore naked feet, and waz loafing around loose for strawberrys, i waz often times just a going tew step on a striped snaik, but it alwus cured me ov strawberrys.
If a striped snaik got into a 10-aker lot before i did, i alwus konsidered that all the strawberrys in that lot belonged tew the snaik.
“Fust cum, fust sarve,” was mi motto.
I am just az fraid ov snaiks now az i waz 40 years ago, and if i should liv tew be az old az Nebudkennezer waz, and go tew grass as he did, one striped snaik would spile 50 akers ov good pasture for me.
Wimmin don’t luv snaiks enny more than i do, and i respekt her for this.
How on earth Eve waz seduced by a snaik, iz a fust class mistery tew me, and if i hadn’t read it in the bible, i would bet aginst it.
I beleave everything thare iz in the bible, the things i kant understand, I beleave the most.
I wouldn’t swop oph the phaith i hav got for any living man’s knoweledge.
Snaiks are all sorts, and all sizes, and the smaller they are, the more i am afrade ov them.
I wouldn’t buy a farm at haff price that had a striped snaik on it.
Ded snaik are a weakness with me; i always respekt them, and whenever i see a ded one in the road, i dont drop a tear on him, but i drop another stone on him, for fear he might alter his mind and cum tew life agin, for a snaik hates tew die just az much az a kat duz.
I never could ackount for a snaik or a kat hateing tew die so bad, unless it waz bekauze they waz so poorly prepared for deth.
BABYS.
Babys i luv with all mi heart; they are mi sweetmeats, they warm up mi blood like a gin sling, they krawl into me and 131 nestle by the side ov mi soul, like a kitten under a cook stove.
I hav raized babys miself, and kno what i am talking about.
I hav got grandchildren, and they are wuss than the fust krop tew riot amung the feelings.
If i could hav mi way, i would change all the human beings now on the face ov the earth back into babys at once, and keep them thare, and make this footstool one grand nussery; but what i should do for wet nusses i don’t kno, nor don’t care.
I would like tew have 15 babys now on mi lap, and mi lap ain’t the handyest lap in the world for babys, neither.
My lap iz long enuff, but not the widest kind ov a lap.
I am a good deal ov a man, but i konsist ov length principally, and when i make a lap ov miself, it iz not a mattrass, but more like a couple ov rails with a jint in them.
I can hold more babys in mi lap at once, than any man in Amerika, without spilling one, but it hurts the babys.
I never saw a baby in mi life that i didn’t want tew kiss; i am wuss than an old maid in this respekt.
I hav seen babys that i hav refused tew kiss untill they had been washt; but the baby want tew blame for this, neither waz i.
Thare are folks in this world who say they don’t luv babys, but yu kan depend upon it, when they waz babys sumboddy loved them.
Babys luv me, too. I kan take them out ov their mothers’ arms just az eazy az i kan an unfleged bird out ov hiz nest. They luv me bekauze i luv them.
And here let me say, for the comfort and consolashun ov all mothers, that whenever they see me on the cars or on the steambote, out ov a job they needn’t hesitate a minnit tew drop a clean, fat baby into mi lap; i will hold it, and kiss it, and be thankful besides.
Perhaps thare iz people who don’t envy me all this, but it iz one ov the sharp-cut, well-defined joys ov mi life, mi love for babys and their love for me.
Perhaps thare iz people who will call it a weakness, i don’t 132 care what they call it, bring on the babys. Unkle Josh haz always a kind word and a kiss for the babys.
I love babys for the truth thare iz in them, i aint afraid their kiss will betray me, their iz no frauds, ded beats nor counterfits among them.
I wish i was a baby (not only once more) but forever-more.
“THE CRAB.”
Natur is fond ov a joke.
She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft shell crab. The strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. They aint afrade tew bite a sawlog, or a black bear. They are born in the water, but they kan live out doors on the land as long az they kan find ennything tew bite.
They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the starboard side ov their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the mud turtles, but they move evry fust ov May, into a new one.
They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn’t think so tew stand and look at them; it would bother a stranger tew tell where tew begin; it would be a good deal like trying tew make a sudden dinner out ov a kross kut saw.
They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until they stop biting, and then they are done, and are et by throwing away the boddy, and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. It is a good deal like trieng tew get the meat out ov a grasshopper’s leggs. It is considered a good day’s work to git one dinner out of biled crabs; I think perhaps a person mite sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin.
ESSA ON SWINE.
Hogs generally are quadriped.
The extreme length ov their antiquity haz never been fully discovered; they existed a long time before the flood, and hav existed a long time since.
133There iz a grate deal ov internal revenew in a hog, thare ain’t mutch more waste in them than thare iz in a oyster.
Even their tails can be wurked up into whissells.
Hogs are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat what iz set before them, and don’t ask enny foolish questions.
They never hav enny disseaze but the meazles, and they never hav that but once; once seems to satisfy them.
Thare iz a grate menny breeds amongst them.
Sum are a close corporation breed, and sum are bilt more apart, like a hemlock slab.
Sum are full in the face, like a town clock, and some are az long and lean az a cow-catcher, with a steel pinted noze on them.
They kan awl rute well; a hog that kant rute well, haz bin made in vain.
They are a short lived animal, and generally die az soon az they git fatt.
The hog kan be larnt a grate menny cunning things, such az highsting the front gate off from the hinges, tipping over the swill barrells, and finding a hole in the fence to git into a cornfield, but thare ain’t enny length tew their memory; it iz awful hard work for them tew find the same hole to git out at, espeshly if yu are at all anxious they should.
Hogs are very kontrary, and seldom drive well the same way yu are going; they drive the most the other way; this haz never bin fully explained, but speaks volumes for the hog.
THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO.
The cat, iz called a domestik animile,—but i never hav bin able tew tell wharefore.
You kant trust one, enney more than yu kan a case ov the gout. Thare iz only one mortal thing, that yu kan trust a cat with, and cum out even, and that iz, a bar ov hard sope.
They are az meak as Mosiss, but az full ov develtry az Judus Iskaratt.
134
THE CAT, AND THE KANGAROO.
They will harvest a dozen ov yung chickens for yu, and then steal into the sitting room, az softly az an undertaker, and lay themselfs down on the rug, at yure feet, full ov injured innocence, and chicken, and dream ov their childhood days.
All thare iz, sure about a cat, that iz domestik, that i kno ov, iz, that yu kant looze one.
You kant looze a cat,—they are az hard to looze, az a bad reputashun iz.
You may send one out ov the state, dun up in a meal bag, and marked, “C. O. D.,” and the next morning yu will find him, or her, (accordin tew sex) in the same old spot, along side ov the kitchen stove, reddy tew be stepped on.
Cats hav got two good ears for melody, and often make the night atmosphear melodious, with their opera musik.
But the most wonderful thing, about a cat, that haz bin diskovered yet, iz their fear ov death.
Yu kant induce one, by enny ordinary means, to accept ov death,—they aktually skorn tew die.
You may kill one, az much az yu hav a mind to, and they will begin life anew, in a few minnitts, with a more flattering prospektus.
Dogs i love, they carry their kridenshuls in their faces, and kant hide them, but the bulk ov cats reputashun lays buried in their stumuk, az unknown tew themselfs, az tew enny boddy else.
135Thare iz only one thing, about, that i like, and that iz, they are verry cheap,—a little money,—well invested,—will go a grate ways, in cats.
Cats are very plenty in this world, just now, i counted 18 from my boarding house winder, one moon lite night, last summer, and it want a fust rate night for cats neither.
The Kangaroo is an overgrown monkey. They are fello-citizens ov Afrika, and spend most ov their lezzure moments on foot. They hav four legs, but their fore legs aint ov mutch use to them; they do most ov their acktual bizzness with their hind legs. They travel a good deal az a frog duz—on the jump.
Kangarooes are verry valuabel in their plase, and Afrika iz the plase for them. I hav thought if the whole ov Afrika had been planted with Kangaroos, and none ov it with other peeple, it would hav been full as good a crop to know what to do with.
Kangaroos liv upon roots, gras, and herbs, and kan outjump ennything in the wilderness. In the face they resemble the deer, but in the length ov their tails they resemble a whole herd ov deer.
A kangaroo’s tail iz a living kuriosity; in its general habits it looks and akts like a rat’s tail, but in size you must multiply it by six thousand and upwards.
What on arth a kangaroo wants so mutch tail for haz bothered the philosophers for ages, and i understand, that lately, at one ov their scientifick meetings they hav giv it up.
The philosophers git beat oftener than ennybody i kno ov, but they seldom giv a thing up; but the kangaroo’s tail waz too mutch for them.
But a kangaroo’s tail don’t bother me enny more than a kite’s tail duz; a bob-tailed kangaroo on the jump would akt just as a bob-tailed kite duz in the air. Whenever i cum acrost ennything in natur that i kant explain, then i kno at once that it iz all right for natur never made enny blunders in the animals; if she has failed ennywhare, it iz in man.
136Natur gav man reazon, and showed him how to use it, but man luvs to open the throttle valve and let reazon hum. This ackounts for hiz running oph from the track so often and gitting bust up. I never knu a kangaroo tew bust up.
THE CODFISH.
The codfish iz a child ov the oshun. This ackounts for their being so salt.
They are caught with a hook and line, and bite a steel trap, and hang on like a poor relation.
They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an umbreller to keep a man dry.
Dried codfish iz one ov the luxurys of life, but codfish three times a day would weaken mi confidence in them.
Codfish never venture in fresh water; they would soon spile if they did.
I never hav been codfishing miself, but think I should like it better than fishing for frogs.
I think i could ketch frogs well enuff, but i should insist upon their taking themselfs off from the hook.
I had rather take a boss bumble bee in mi hand than a live frog, not bekause I am afraid the frog would bite, but i am afraid ov their kicking.
Sum people ain’t afraid to take ennything with their hands, that they can reach, not even an eel, but if I should ever git caught by an eel, if i couldn’t settle with him, right off, by giving him the hook and line, i would throw the pole into the bargin and put for home.
The codfish iz sed tew be an aristokrat, and to keep aloof from the other fish of hiz size in the sea, and claims tew be a relation of the whales, but this looks to me rather fishy.
I hav noticed that the codfish alwus haz a stiff upper lip, but I think this iz more owing tew the bone that iz in him than it iz tew his blood.
137THE MACKREL.
The mackrel iz a game fish. They ought tew be well edukated, for they are always in schools.
They are very eazy to bite, and are caught with a piece ov old red flannel pettycoat tied onto a hook.
They ain’t the only kind ov fish that are caught by the same kind of bait.
Mackrel inhabit the sea, but thoze which inhabit the grocerys alwus taste to me az tho they had been born and fatted on salt.
They want a good deal ov freshning before they are eaten, and want a good deal ov freshning afterward.
If I can hav plenty of mackrel for brekfasst i can generally make the other two meals out ov cold water.
Mackrel are considered by menny folks the best fish that swims, and are called “the salt of the earth.”
THE POLLYWOGG.
The pollywogg iz created bi the sides ov the road, out ov thick water, and spends hiz infancy in pollywogging.
After he haz got through pollywogging he makes up hiz mind that this world want made for pollywogs and “nothing venture nothing have,” and then he turns hiz attenshun tew bigger things.
He looks out upon life with the eye ov wisdum, and studdying the various animals ov creashun, he cums tew the konklusion that the best thing he kan do iz tew bekum a frog.
This iz the way that frogs fust cum tew be made, and pollywoggs tew be lost.
The pollywogg now leaves the water and spends a part ov hiz summers upon land.
He haz tew fite hiz way through life, and generally goes on the jump.
Being better at diving than he iz at dodgeing, he often 138 runs hiz hed aginst sticks and stuns that the boys throw at him, but hiz two mortal enemys are the frenchman and the striped snaik.
The frenchman iz satisfied with hiz hind leggs, but the snaik swallows him whole.
I have seen sum good time made by the frog, and the snake, the snake after the frog, and the frog after dear life.
If the frog kan only reach a tree, and klimb it, he iz safe, for a snake kant travel a tree.
I don’t kno az the pollywogg gains ennything by swopping himself oph for a frog, unless it iz experience, but i never hav bin able to diskover much ov enny happiness in experience.
If experience ever made a man happy, i should hav happiness to sell, for I am one ov them happy phellows who never found ennything (not even the bite ov a lobster) only through the kindness of experience.
THE BULL HEAD.
This remarkable beast of prey dwells in mill ponds and mud puddles, cluss to the ground, and lives upon young lizzards and dirt.
They hav no taste to their mouths, and never spit out ennything that they kan swallo.
They have two ugly black thorns sticking out on the sides ov their hed, and are az dangerous tew handle az a six-bladed penknife, with the blades all open to onst.
They are like a kat, yu hav got to skin them before they are fit to eat, and after they are thoroughly cooked, if yu set them away in the cupboard until they git cold, they will begin life anew, and bekum az raw az a live mule.
They will liv, after they are ded az long az striped snaik kan.
I don’t advise enny man to fish for bull heads, but if yu feel az tho yu must, this iz the only best way to do it.
139Take a dark, hot, drizzly night in the month ov june; steal out quietly from home; tell yure folks yu are going tew the nabors to borry a setting of hen’s eggs; find a saw log on the banks ov a stagnant mill-pond, one end of which lays in the water; drive the mudturkles and water snaiks oph from the log; straddle the log, and let yure leggs hang down in the water up tew yure garters; bait yure hook with a chunk ov old injun rubber shoe; az fasst az yu pull up the bull heads, take them by the back ov the neck and stab their horns onto the saw log; when yu hav got the saw log stuck full, shoulder the saw log, and leave for home; git up the next morning early, skin the bull heds, and split up the saw log into kindling wood, let yure wife cook them for brekfast, and sware the whole family to keep dark about it.
This iz the only respektabel way to hav enneything to do with bull heads.
MUDTURKLES.
Mudturkles liv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch attached to. Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom receive visitors in their houses. Their food consists prinsipally of what they eat, which tha find wharever tha kan git it. Their style iz haf land, and haf water, and tha are at home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha hav sum eggs, which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally hav them hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the class known az “close korporashuns,” and are a hard animil tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite under cover. The mudturkle kant climb very well, and therefore seldum iz found up a tree. Tha are verry tuff ov life, and will outlive an injun rubber shoe, and don’t seem tew gro old enny faster than a paving stone duz. Tha kan be domestikated without enny trubble; awl yu hav tew dew, iz tew put them into a barrel, and tha aint ap tew stray off far. Mudturkles hav their faults, 140 but tha won’t lie, nor drink rum, nor chaw terbacker, and tho tha cant trot as fast az sum hosses kan, thare sure tew git tew whare tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode. I take a deep interest in moste awl the animils, and particularly in mudturkles, and i dew hope that the Legislature in their wisdum won’t pass a law “prohibiting enny more mudturkles.” I regret tew hear, that in sum parts ov the kuntry, the people are in the habit of using mudturkles tew pitch quoits with, but I think this wants an affidavy with a revenew stamp onto it.
THE FLY.
The fly iz not only a domestik, but a friendly insek, without branes, but happily without guile.
THE FLY.
They make their appearance amung mankind, a good deal az the wind duz, “whare it listeth.”
How they are exactly born, i haven’t been able yet tew investigate, but they are so universal at times, that i hav thought, they didn’t wait tew be born, but took the fust good chance that was offered, and cum just az they am.
They are sed tew be male and femail, but i dont think they konsider the marriage tie binding, for they look so mutch alike, that it would be a grate waste ov time, finding out wich waz who, and this would lead tew never ending fites, wich iz the rhubarb ov domestik life.
141They make their annual visit about the first ov May, but don’t git tew buzzing good till the center ov August.
They stay with uz untill kold weather puts in an appearance, and then leave, a good deal az they cum, jist az they am.
Menny ov them are kut oph in the flower ov their yuth, and usefullness, but this don’t interfere with their census, for their iz another steps right into their place, and heirs their property.
Sum looze their lives bi lighting too near the rim ov a toad’s noze, and fall in, when the tud gaps, and others git badly stuck bi phooling with mollassis.
Sum visit the spiders, and are induced tew remain, and thousands find a watery grave, bi gitting drowned in milk cans.
The fly iz no respekter ov pussuns, he lights onto the pouting lips ov a sleeping darkey, jist az eazy az he duz onto the buzzum ov the queen ov buty, and will buzz an Alderman, or a hod-carrier, if they git in his way.
Flys, moraly konsidered, are like a large share ov the rest ov human folks, they wont settle on a good healthy spot in a man, not if they kan find a spot that iz a leetle raw.
Their principal food iz every thing, they will pitch into a ded snaik, or a quarter ov beef, with the same anxiety, and will eat from sun rise, till seven o’clock in the evening, without getting more than haff phull.
They will eat more, and hold less, than enny bug we kno ov.
The fly haz a remarkable impoverished memory, yu may drive him out ov yure ear; and he will land on yure forhed, hit him aginly, and he enters yure noze, the oftner yu git rid ov him in one spot, the more he gets onto another; the only way tew inculcate him with yure meaning, iz tew smash him up fine.
Naturalists dont tell us all about the soshull habits ov the fly, but i beleave they hav temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal, I never saw a fly the wuss for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor the wuss for flies.
142They hav a big appetight for gitting into things, they are the fust at the dinner table, and alwus take soup, and dont leave untill the cloth iz removed.
Flys see a grate deal ov good sosiety, they are admitted into all circles, and if they remember one haff that they see and hear, what a world ov phunny sekrets they could unfold; but flys are perfekly honarable, and never betray a konfidence.
What would sum lovers giv, if they could only git a fly tew blab, but a fly iz a perfek gentleman, he eats oph from your plate, enjoys yure conversashun, sees sights, and haz more phun, and privilege, than a prime minister, or a dressing maid, but when yu cum tew pump him, he iz az dry in the mouth, az a salt codfish.
Thare iz sumthing a fly will blow, but he wont blow a sekret.
Flys i think, must be born whole, for i never saw a haff born fly, they are all ov a size when yu fust see them, like a paper ov pins, and never git enny smaller.
I dont kno ov a more happy, whole souled, honest critter, among the bug dispensation, than a hansum, square bilt fly, taking a free ride in central park, with the Mayor and hiz wife, or a free lunch at Delmonico’s, with the minister from England, and then finishing up the bizzness ov the day, by sleeping upside down, on the ceiling ov my ladys bed chamber.
But thare iz plenty ov pholks who kant see enny phun, or religion in a fly, whoze whole aim iz tew set molasses traps for them, tew chase them out ov the house with a sled stake, and then clear across a ploughed lot onto the next farm, tew git up nights in their stocking feet, tew worry them, with the tongs, tew drive them tew the brink ov despair, and finally ruin them, with deth.
I thank the Lord i ain’t one ov thoze, i don’t luv a fly enuff, tew leave mi vittles, and fall down flatt on mi stummuk, and worship them, but a fly may cum and sit on mi noze, all day, and chaw hiz cud in silence, if he will only sit still.
Flys tickle me, but they don’t make me sware, it takes a 143 bedd bug, at the hollow ov night, a mean, loafing bed bugg, who steals out ov a krack in the wall, az silently az the swet on a dog’s noze, and then creeps az soft az a shadder, on tew mi tenderest spot, and begins tew bore for my ile, it takes one ov theze foul fiends ov blood, and midnite, tew make me sware, a word ov two sillables.
A fly, the dear, little, social innocent, kant make me sware, not even an abreviated dam.
I dispize enny men who sware, it iz not only wicked, but always smells ov whiskey.
This essa, on the little fly, who visit us, in the spring ov the year, just az they am, will not interest the exceeding literary, or thoze who think they hav discovered poetry in their sile, it takes the essa on the life, and deth, ov an orphan rosebud, or the golden sheen ov a sassy moonbeam, dancing in a budoir tew the dreams ov a restive beauty, it takes sumthing ov this breed, tew fetch them.
THE CROW.
Next to the monkey, the crow haz the most deviltry to spare. They are born verry wild, but kan be tamed az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame crow iz aktually wuss than a sore thumb.
If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git into, it iz bekause the thing ain’t big enuff. I had rather watch a distrikt skool than one tame crow. Crows live on what they kan steal, and they will steal enny thing that aint tied down.
They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold an inquest over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are a fine bird tew hunt, but a hard one tew kill; they kan see you 2 miles first, and will smell a gun right through the side ov a mountain.
They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to 144 cultivate, but what they do sing, they seem to understand thoroughly; long praktiss has made them perfekt.
The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a blacksmith, and the cold like a stun wall.
They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both eggs would hatch out if they was laid in a snow bank,—thare aint no such thing as stopping a young crow.
Crows are very lengthy; i beleave they live always i never knu one to die a natral deth, and don’t believe they kno how.
They are alwus thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber shew, poor inside and out.
They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read sumwhare ov biled crow, but still i never heard ov the same man hankering for sum biled crow 2 times.
This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true i aint tew blame for it; natur made the crow, i didn’t; if i had i would hav made her more honest and not quite so tuff.
THE BUMBLE BEE.
The Bumble Bee is one ov natur’s sekrets.
They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably necessary, if a fellow only knew how.
They liv apart from the rest ov mankind, in little circles numbering about 75 or 80 souls.
They are born about haying time, and are different from enny bug i know ov; they are the biggest when they are fust born. They resemble sum men in this respekt.
Their principle bizziness iz making poor honey, but they don’t make enny to sell.
Boys sumtimes rob them out ov a whole summer’s work; but thare is one thing about a bumble bee that boys alwus watch dreadful cluss, and that iz their helm.
I had rather not hav awl the bumble bee honey that is between here and the city ov Jerusalem, than tew hav a bumble bee hit me with his helm when he cums round suddin.
145THE ROBBING.
The robin haz a red brest.
They hav a plaintiff song, and sing az tho they waz sorry for sum thing.
They are natiffs ov the northern states, but go south to winter.
They git their name from their grate ability for robbing a cherry tree.
They kan also robin a currant bush fust rate, and are smart on a goose berry.
If a robin kant find enny thing else tew eat, they aint tew fastidious tew eat a ripe strawberry.
They build their nest out ov mud, and straw, and lay 4 eggs, that are speckled.
Four yung robbings, in a nest, that are just hatched out, and still on the half-shell, are alwus az reddy for dinner, az a nuzeboy iz.
If enny boddy goes near their nest, their mouths all fly open at once, so that yu kan see clear down tew their palates.
If it want for the birds, I suppose, ov course, we should all be et up by the catterpillars, and snakes, but i hav thought, it wouldn’t be enny thing more than common politeness, for the robbings, tew let us hav, now, and then, just one ov our own cherriz, tew see how they did taste.
146THE SWALLO.
The swallo iz a lively bird.
Swallows make their appearance late in the spring, and alwus in a twitter about sumthing.
They hav az mutch twitter, as a boarding skool miss.
They kan fli az swift az an arrow, and a great deal crookider.
I have seen them skim a mill pond, cluss enuff tew take the cream off from it, and even make the frogs dodge, and not touch the water.
When the swallo cums, spring haz cum sure, but thare iz an old proverb, (one ov Solomans, i presume,) which sez, “one swallo dont make a spring.”
This may be so, but i have seen a spring (ov water), that would make a grate menny swallows.
Swallows never hav the dispepshy, they liv upon nothing, and take a grate deal ov exercise in the open air.
They dont set up nites busting, and never cheat a taylor out ov hiz bill.
They dont waste enny time in the morning making their toilett, but like the flowers, shake oph the dew from their heds, and are reddy for bizzness.
I kant think ov enny thing God has made, more harmless than a swallo, they are as innosent az a daizy, and az pure as the air they swim in, they wont live, shut up in a cage, mutch longer, than a trout will.
THE BAT.
The bat is a winged mouse.
They live very retired during the day, but at nite cum out for a frolik.
They fli very mutch unsartin, and ackt az tho they had taken a little too mutch gin.
147They look out ov their face like a young owl, and will bite like a snappin turkle.
What they are good for i kant tell, and dont believe they kan tell neither.
They dont seem tew be bird, beast, nor insek, but a kind of live hash, made out ov all three.
If thare want enny bats in this world, i dont suppose the earth would refuse tew revolve on its axis, once in a while, just for fun.
But when we cum to think, that thare aint on the face ov the earth, even one bat too mutch, and that thare haint been, sintz the daze ov adam, a single surpluss muskeeters egg, laid by acksident, we kan form sum kind ov an idea, how little we know, and what a poor job we should make ov it, running the machinery of kreashun.
Man iz a phool enny how, and the best ov the joke iz, he don’t seem tew kno it.
Bats hav a destiny tew fill, and i will bet 4 dollars, they fill it better than we do ours.
Bats liv on flies, and hawks liv on bats, but who livs on the hawks, i kant tell.
Biled hawk may be good, i never herd enny boddy say it wasn’t, but i dont hope i shall ever be called upon tew decide it.
Tew save life, i would eat biled hawk, but if it tastes az i think it duz, i wouldn’t ask for a seckond plate ov it.
THE HAWK.
The hawk iz a karniverous foul, and a chickiniverous one too, every good chance he kan git.
I hav seen them shut up their wings, and drop doun out ov the skey, like a destroying angel, and pick up a yung goslin in each hand, and sore aloft agin pretty quick.
They bild their nests out ov the reach ov civilizashun, so 148 that no mishionary kan git to them, unless he kan klimb well.
Powder and double B shot, iz the only thing that will civilize a hawk clear through, so that he will stay so, and it takes a big charge ov this too.
I have fired a double-barrelled gun into them, loaded with fine shot, and it had the same exilirating effekt on them, that 4 quarts ov oats would hav, on an old hoss, it made them more lively for a fu minnits.
I hav seen ded hawks, but i never shed enny tears over them.
I dont surpose that even hen hawks are made in vain, but i hav wondered, if just enuff ov them, tew preserve an assortment, wouldn’t answer.
THE MEDDO MOLE.
The meddo mole iz either a small rat, or a big mouse, i dont kno which.
They hav some soft, silken fur, and dig in the ground for a living.
They kan bore a hole in the ground fazter than a 2 inch augur kan, and kan travel klear akrost a 10 aker lot, in one night, and never cum once tew the surface.
They dont have enny eyes, but see with their ears, and kan see more without seeing anything, than enny rat in amerika.
How a meddo mole kan see with their ears iz one ov naturs misterys, and natur luvs misterys, it iz the misterys ov natur that makes mankind respektful.
If natur showed all the kards she held in her hand most enny boddy would think they could beat her.
But natur makes us guess at about one-half we know, and then laffs at us, in her sleeve, bekauze we dont git it right.
I dont kno whether meddo moles are an accredited artikle ov diet or not, i never hav seen their names registered on enny bill of fare, in our grate hotels spelt in english, but thare iz 149 so mutch meat fixings with french, and dutch names on the bills, that they may be thar.
I dont kno how meddo moles are spelt in dutch.
A meddo mole mite eat fust rate in dutch, and be kussid common vittles in english.
THE POSSUM.
The possum iz a fello ov the Southern and Western States. He owns a sharp noze, a keen eye, a lean head, a phat boddy, and a poor tail.
He enjoys roots, chickens, grass, eggs, green korn, and little mice, and eats what he steals, and steals what he eats.
Hiz boddy is kivvered with a hairy kind ov phur, ov a dirty white complexion; hiz feet and fingers resemble the rackoon, hiz ears are a trifle smaller than the mules, and hiz tail iz az round az an eel, and az free from capilliaryness as the snaiks stummuk.
The possum’s tail bothers me. I hav looked at it bi the hour; i hav studdyed it, and tried tew parse it; i hav figgered on it az cluss az i would a proposishun in Euklid; i hav hung over it az fondly az a kemist; i hav fretted and wondered, hav got mad, wept and swore, and kant tell to this day whi a possum should hav a hairless caudel.
If some philosophik mind, out ov a present job, will explain this tale to me, and sho me the mercy ov it, i will explain to him, free from cost, the pucker ov the persimmon, or the vital importance thare iz in being bolegged, two misterys which are only known to the Billings family.
The possum iz a lonesum and joyless vagabond, living just near enuff to the smoke ov a chimbly tew pick up a transient goslin or a ten dollar bill, or ennything else that aint stuck fast.
Thare iz only one man in this visionary world who seems tew hav an affinity, ov a moral natur, for the possum, and that 150 iz a darkey. They are the nigger’s poultry and roast lamb.
The possum, in poor condishun, is az phull ov phatt as a tallo kandle in the month ov august, but having et possum miself, and biled awl from necessity, i am full ov the opinyun that between the two mi choice would be never agin to take either.
Possums alwus hav twins when they hav ennything, and sumtimes an extra one, and they suckle their yung on an entire different principal from the goose.
Their skins are a subject of traffick, and are worth in market from nine to ten cents a piece, provided the tail is amputated. A possum’s tail iz not only worthless, but iz a damage to any enterprizing man.
Theze skins are colored and made into mink muffs, and sold for twenty-five dollars a head, tew thoze whoze early edukashun has bin neglekted.
Thare iz only one thing about a possum’s skin different from a hoss hide, they don’t shed their hair, evry hair is drove in and clinched on tuther side.
Possum’s hav butiful white natral teeth, and their mouth iz az full ov them az a kow hide boot iz ov shu pegs.
But say what yu will about theze comick geniuses ov natur, they hav got two things that they own and no other animul, feathered, or hairy, possesses them so mutch.
I mean tuffness and cunning.
If a possum thinks he kant reach hiz hole, in the hollo ov the tree, tew eskape a wandering dog or a stray nigger, he lays himself down level on the opposite side ov hiz belly, and dies az ded az a two dollar watch.
The dog will smell ov hiz corpse and pass on, the nigger will rool him over, pheal ov hiz phatt, and konkluding that “dis possum hab been eating pizen;” take him by the tail and send him buzzing into a brush heep.
Many a possum haz saved hiz life, and hiz phatt, bi thus loozeing it.
I hav often killed them with a klub, sufficiently dead enuff tew bury, and hiding behind a tree, fur a fu minnitts, hav 151 seen them born agin, and sneak oph into the underbrush.
If thare iz enny boddy who don’t beleave this i don’t care, i only write what i know, and don’t hold miself liable for other folks’ ignorance.
Possum grease and hoe kake, in equal parts, will phatt a nigger in 60 days, and make hiz face glisten like a piece ov pattent leather.
If the possum only had hare on the tail i could account for him fully, but this lack ov the hirsute attachment bothers me.
I think now i would giv ten dollars tew be made well on this subjeckt.
Altho the possum dies hard, he lives eazy, and i might az well own it, forever, for i have spent a great quantity ov mi life surrounded by possums and other historick vermin, and never heard only ov acksident death in the possum family.
The muskrat and the possum hav similar tales, but the muskrat steers himself with hiz while bathing, but the possum never bathes in ennything but chicken blood.
The studdy ov natur iz a good risk to take, and will make sum men az phull ov knowledge az an unabridged Webster’s spellin book, while thare iz others that natur nor ennyboddy else haint bin able tew edukate yet.
THE CURSID MUSKETO.
Dear ——:—Yure letter kame safe unto hand last nite bi mail, and i hurry tew repli.
The best musketers now in market are raised near Bergen point, in the dominion ov Nu Jersey.
They gro thare verry spontaneous, and the market for them iz verry unstiddy—the grate supply injures the demand.
Two hundred and fifty to the square inch iz konsidered a paying krop, altho they often beat that.
They don’t require enny nussing, and the poorer the land the bigger the yield.
152If it want for musketers i dont kno what sum people would do thare tew git a living, for thare iz a grate deal ov kultivated land thare that wont raize ennything else at a proffit.
THE CURSID MUSKETO.
The musketer iz a short lived bug, but don’t waste enny time; they are alwuss az reddy for bizzness az pepper sass iz, and kan bight 10 minnitts after they are born just az fluently az ever.
Thare iz people in this world so kontrary at heart, and so ignorant, that they wont see enny wisdum in having musketers around; i alwus pitty sutch pholks—their edukashun haz been sorely neglekted and aint level.
Wisdum iz like duks eggs—if yu git them, yu hav got tew sarch for them—thare aint no duks in theze benighted days that will cum and la eggs in yure hand—not a duk, Mr. ——, not a duk.
The musketo is a soshul insex; they liv verry thick amungst each other, and luv the sosiety ov man also, but don’t kontrakt enny ov hiz vices.
Yu never see a musketer that was a defaulter; they never fail to cum to time, altho thousands looze their lives in the effort.
The philosophers tell us that the muskeeters who can’t sing won’t bight; this information may be ov grate use to science, but aint worth mutch to a phellow in a hot nite whare muskeeters are plenty.
153If thare ain’t but one musketer out ov ten that kan bight good, that iz enuff to sustain their reputashun.
The philosophers are alwus a telling us sumthing that iz right smart, but the only plan they kan offer us tew get rid ov our sorrows iz to grin and bear them.
They kant rob one single musketer ov hiz stingger by argument. I say bully for the muskeeter!
The muskeeter iz the child ov circumstansis in one respekt—he can be born, or not, and liv, and die a square deth in a lonesum marsh, 1600 miles from the nearest nabor, without ever tasting blood, and be happy all the time; or he kan git into sumboddy’s bed-room thru the key-hole, and take hiz rashuns reglar, and sing sams ov praze and glorificashun.
It don’t kost a muskeeter mutch for hiz board in this world; if he kant find enny boddy to eat he kan set on a blade ov swamp meadow gras and liv himself to deth on the damp fog.
The musketo is a gray bug and haz 6 leggs, a bright eye, a fine busst, a sharp tooth and and a reddy wit.
He dont waste enny time hunting up hiz customers, and alwus lights onto a baby fust if thare iz one on the premises.
I positively fear a musketo.
In the dark, still nite, when every thing iz az noizeless az a pair ov empty slippers, to hear one at the further end ov the room slowly but surely working hiz way up to yu, singing that same hot old sissing tune ov theirs, and harking to feel the exackt spot on yure face whare they intend tew lokate, iz simply premeditated sorrow tew me; i had rather look forward to the time when an elephant waz going tew step onto me.
The musketo haz no friends, and but phew associates; even a mule dispizes them.
But i hav seen human beings who want aktually afraid ov them; i hav seen pholks who had rather hav a muskeeter lite onto them than to have a trakt peddler lite onto them; i hav seen pholks who were so tuff aginst anguish that a muskeeter mite lite onto them enny whare and plunge their dagger in up tew the hilt in vain.
154I envy these people their moral stamina, for next tew being virtewous i would like tew be tuff.
This life iz phull ov pesky muskeetos, who are alwus a looking for a job, alwus reddy tew stik a thissell into yu sum whare, and sing while they are doing it.
Dear Mr. ——, pardon me for saying so mutch about the cursid muskeeto, but ov all things on this arth that travel, or set still, for deviltry, thare aint enny bug, enny beast, or enny beastess, that i dred more, and luv less, than i do this same little gray wretch, called cursid muskeeter.
THE HORNET.
The hornet is an inflamibel bugger, sudden in hiz impresshuns and hasty in hiz conclusion, or end.
Hiz natral disposishun iz a warm cross between red pepper in the pod and fusil oil, and hiz moral bias iz, “git out ov mi way.”
They hav a long, black boddy, divided in the middle bi a waist spot, but their phisikal importance lays at the terminus ov their subburb, in the shape ov a javelin.
This javelin iz alwas loaded, and stands reddy to unload at a minnit’s warning, and enters a man az still az thought, az spry az litening, and az full ov melankolly az the toothake.
Hornets never argy a case; they settle awl ov their differences ov opinyun bi letting their javelin fly, and are az certain tew hit az a mule iz.
This testy kritter lives in congregations numbering about one hundred souls, but whether they are male and female, or conservative, or matched in bonds ov wedlock, or whether they are Mormons, and a good menny ov them klub together and keep one husband tew save expense, i dont kno nor dont kare.
I never hav examined their habits mutch, i never considered it helthy.
155Hornets bild their nests whenever they take a noshun to, and seldom are disturbed, for what would it profit a man tew kill 99 hornets and hav the one hundredth one hit him with hiz javelin?
They bild their nests ov paper, without enny windows to them or back doors. They hav but one place ov admission, and the nest iz the shape ov an overgrown pine-apple, and iz cut up into just az menny bedrooms az thare iz hornets.
It iz very simple tew make a hornets nest if yu kan, but i will argue enny man 300 dollars he kant bild one that he could sell tew a hornet for half price.
Hornets are az bizzy az their second couzzins, the bee, but what they are about the lord only knows, they dont lay up enny honey, nor enny money, they seem tew be bizzy only jist for the sake ov working all the time, they are alwus in az mutch ov a hurry az tho they waz going for a doktor.
I suppose this uneazy world would grind arownd on its axletree onst in 24 hours, even if thare want enny hornets, but hornets must be good for sumthing, but i kant think now what it iz.
Thare haint been a bug made yet in vain, nor one that want a good job, thare iz ever lots ov human men loafing around black smith shops, and cider mills, all over the country, that dont seem tew be necessary for ennything but tew beg plug tobacco and swear, and steal water-melons, but yu let the cholera brake out once, and then yu will see the wisdum ov having jist sich men laying around loose, they help count.
Next tew the cockroach, who stands tew the hed, the hornet haz got the most waste stummuk, in reference tew the rest ov hiz boddy, than enny ov the insek populashun, and here iz another mistery: what on arth duz a hornet want so mutch reserve corps for.
I hav jist thought—tew carry hiz javelin in, thus you see, the more we diskover about things the more we are apt to know.
It iz alwus a good purchase tew pay out our last surviving dollar for wisdum, and wisdum iz like the misterious hens egg, 156 it aint laid in yure hand, but iz laid away under the barn, and yu hav got tew sarch for it.
The hornet iz an unsoshall kuss, he iz more haughty than he iz proud, he iz a thorough bred bug, but hiz breeding and refinement haz made him like sum other folks i kno ov, dissatisfied with himself, and everyboddy else, too mutch good breding ackts this way sumtimes.
Hornets are long-lived—i kant state jist how long their lives are, but i kno, from instinkt and observashun, that enny kritter, be he bug or be he devil, who is mad all the time, and stings every good chance he kan git, gennerally outlives all his nabers.
The only way tew git at the exact fiteing weight ov the hornet, is tew tutch him, let him hit you once with his javelin, and you will be willing tew testify in court that sumboddy run a one-tined pitchfork into yer; and az for grit, i will state for the informashun ov thoze who haven’t had a chance tew lay in their vermin wisdum az freely az i hav, that one single hornet, who feels well, will brake up a large camp meeting!
What the hornets do for amuzement iz another question i kant answer, but sum ov the best read, and heavyest thinkers amung the naturalists say they hav target excursions, and heave their javelins at a mark; but i don’t imbibe this assershun raw, for i never knu enny boddy, so bitter at heart az the hornets are, to waste a blow.
Thare iz one thing that a hornet duz that i will giv him credit for on mi books—he alwus attends tew hiz own bizzness, and wont allow any boddy else tew attend tew it, and what he duz iz alwuz a good job, you never see them altering enny thing, if they make enny mistakes, it iz after dark, and aint seen.
If the hornets made haff az menny blunders az the men do, even with their javelins, everyboddy would laff at them.
Hornets are clear in another way, they hav found out, bi trieing it, that all they kan git in this world, and bragon, iz their vittles, and clothes, and yu never see one, standing at 157 the corner ov a street, with a twenty-six inch face on, bekauze sum bank had run oph, and took their money with him.
In ending oph this essa, i will cum tew a stop, by concluding, that if hornets waz a leetle more pensive, and not so darned peremptory with their javelins, they might be guilty ov less wisdum, but more charity.
But yu kant alter bug natur, without spileing it for enny thing else, enny more than yu kan an elephant’s egg.
THE RABBIT.
The rabbit iz a kind ov long-eard and short-taled kat, and reside for a living all over the United States ov Amerika. They are az harmless, so far az pizon is consarned, az a yung goslin.
THE RABBIT.
They liv in holes in the ground, holler logs, and under brush heaps, and kan run faster and stop quicker than any 4 or 6 legged brute.
Their hind legs are twice az long and twice az fast az their fore ones, and they seem tew be bilt best for running up a hill, and backing down it. They are all colors known tew the trade, except green; green rabbits are out ov fashion.
158Rabbits bile eazy, and eat soft, and are sed tew be better vittles than the kat.
I don’t kno exacktly how menny rabbits thare are in the United States now, and never expekt tew kno, for thay kan hatch out, and spred faster than the meazles.
One pair ov helthy and industrious rabbits will settle a whole township in 18 months, and begin tew emigrate into the jineing parts.
Rabbits are az eazy tew kill az a cucumber vine when it fust starts out ov the ground, and are az eazy tew ketch az a bad kold.
Rabbits hav no kunning, and but little guile; i hav kept them az pets, and konsider them just about az safe az they are useless.
Their fur iz of sum value, but they are az tender tew skin without tareing, az a biled potater.
THE POODLE.
The poodle iz a small dog, with sore eyes, and hid amungst a good deal ov promiskuss hair.
They are sumtimes white for color, and their hair iz tangled all over them, like the hed ov a yung darkey.
They are kept az pets, and, like all other pets, are az stubborn az a setting hen.
A poodle iz a woman’s pet, and that makes them kind ov sakred, for whatever a woman luvs she worships.
I hav seen poodles that i almost wanted tew swop places with, but the owners ov them didn’t akt to me az tho they wanted tew trade for enny thing.
Thare iz but phew things on the face ov this earth more utterly worthless than a poodle, and yet i am glad thare iz poodles, for if thare wasn’t thare iz some people who wouldn’t hav enny objekt in living, and hav nothing tew luv.
Thare iz nothing in this world made in vain, and poodles are good for fleas.
159Fleas are also good for poodles, for they keep their minds employed scratching, and almost every boddy else’s too about the house.
I never knew a man tew keep a poodle. Man’s natur iz too koarse for poodles. A poodle would soon fade and die if a man waz tew nuss him.
I don’t expekt enny poodle, but if enny boddy duz giv me one he must make up hiz mind tew be tied onto a long stick every Saturday, and be used for washing the windows on the outside.
This kind ov nussing would probably make the poodle mad, and probably he would quit, but i kant help it.
If i hav got tew keep a poodle, he haz got tew help wash the windows every Saturday. I am solid on this pint.
Bully for me.
THE PATRIDGE.
The patridge iz a kind ov wild hen, and liv in the swamps, and on the hill sides that are woody.
They are verry eazy tew ketch with the hand, if yu kan git near enuff tew them tew put salt on their tale, but this iz alwus diffikult for nu beginners.
In the spring ov the year they will drum a tune with their wings on some deserted old log, and if yu draw ni unto them tew observe the musik, they will rize up, and kut a hole thru the air with a hum like a bullet.
Thare iz no burd kan beat a patridge on the wing for one hundred yards, i am authorized tew bet on this.
The patridge are a game burd, and are shot on the wing, if they are not missed.
It iz dreadful natral tew miss a patridge on the fly, especially if a tree gets in the way.
I hav hunted a grate deal for patridge, and lost a grate deal ov time at it.
160The patridge lays 14 eggs, and iz az sure tew hatch all her eggs out az a cockroach iz who feels well.
When a brood ov yung patridges fust begin tew toddle about with the old bird, they look like a lot ov last year’s chestnut burs on legs.
Broiled patridge iz good if yu kan git one that waz born during the present century, but thare iz a grate menny patridge around that waz with Noah in the ark, and they are az tuff tew git the meat oph ov az a hoss shu.
But broiled patridge iz better than broiled krow, and i had rather hav broiled krow than broiled mule just for a change.
THE SNIPE.
The snipe iz a gray, misterious bird, who git up out ov low, wet places quick, and git back again quick.
They are pure game, and are shot on the move.
They are az tender tew brile az a saddle rok oyster, and eat az eazy az sweetmeats.
The snipe haz a long bill (about the length ov a doktor’s) and git a living bi thrusting it down into the fat earth, and then pumping the juices out with their tounge.
I hav seen snipe so phatt that when they waz shot 50 feet in the air and phell on to the hard ground, they would split open like an egg.
This will sound like a lie to a man who never haz seen it did, but after he haz seen it did, he will feel different about it.
THE COCKROACH.
The cockroach iz a bug at large.
He iz one ov the luxurys ov civilization.
He iz eazy to domestikate, yielding gracefully to ordinary kindness, and never deserting thoze who show him proper ackts ov courtesy.
161We are led to beleave, upon a cluss examination ov the outward crust ov these fashionable insekts, that they are a highly successful intermarriage between the brunette pissmire, and the “artikilus bevo” or common Amerikan grasshopper.
Naturalists however differ, which iz to be lamented, for a diversity ov sentiment, upon matters so important to the peace ov mind and moral advancement ov mankind in the lump, creates distrust, and tends to sap the substrata ov all bug ethicks.
But let the learned and polite pull hair az mutch az they pleaze about the ansestral claims ov the cockroach it iz our bizzness and duty, az bug scrutinizer, tew show the critter up az we find him, without caring a single, solitary curse, who hiz grandfather or grandmother acktually waz.
Thare iz no mistaking the fackt that he iz one ov a numerous family, and that hiz attachment tew the home ov hiz boyhood, speaks louder than thunder for hiz affecktionate and unadulterated natur.
He dont leave the place he waz born at upon the slightest provocation, like the giddy and vagrant flea, or the ferocious bed bugg, and untill death, (or sum vile powder, the invenshun ov man) knocks at hiz front door, he and hiz brothers and sisters may be seen with the naked eye, ever and anon calmly climbing the white sugar bowl or running foot races between the butter plates.
How strange it iz that man, made out ov dirt, the cheapest material in market, and the most plenty, should be so determined to rid the world ov evry living bug but himself.
I dont doubt if he could hav hiz own way for six years, evry personal cockroach would be knocked off from the bosom ov the footstool, and not even a pair ov them left to repair damages with.
Such iz man!
The cockroach is born on the fust ov May and the fust ov November semiannually, and is reddy for use in fifteen days from date.
They are born from an egg, four from each egg, and consequently 162 they are all ov them twins. There is no such thing in the annals ov natur as a single cockroach.
The maternal bug don’t sett upon the egg as the goose doth, but leaves them lie around loose, like a pint ov spilt mustard seed, and don’t seem tew care a darn whether they get ripe or not.
But I never knew a cockroach egg fail tew put in an appearance. They are as sure tew hatch out and run as Kanada thistles, or a bad kold.
The cockroach is ov tew colours, sorrel and black. They are always on the move, and kan trot, I should say, on a good track, and a good day, cluss tew three minnitts.
Their food seems tew consist, not so mutch in what they eat as what they travel, and often finding them dead in my soup at the boarding-house, I hav cum to the conclusion that a cockroach kan’t swim, but they kan float.
Naturalists hav also declared that the cockroach has no double teeth. This is an important fackt, and ought tew be introduced into all the primary school books ov Amerika.
But the most interesting feature ov this remarkable bugg is the lovelyness ov their natures. They kan’t bite nor sting, nor skratch, nor even jaw back. They are so amable that I hav even known them tew get stuck in the butter, and lay there all day, and not holler for help, and aktually die at last with a broken heart.
To realize the meekness ov theze uncomplaining little cusses, let the philosophick mind just for one moment compare them to the pesky flea, who light upon man in hiz strength and woman in her weakness like a red hot shot, or to the warbling musketo, wild from a Nujersey cat-tail marsh, with hiz dagger in hiz mouth ackeing for blood; or, horror ov horrors! to the midnight bed bugg, who creeps out ov a crack az still and az lean az a shadow, and hitches on to the bosom ov buty like a starved leech.
Every man haz a right to pick hiz playmates, but az for me, i had rather visit knee deep among cockroaches than to hear the dieing embers ov a single muskeeter’s song in the 163 room jineing, or to know that thare waz just one bedbugg left in the world and he waz waiting for mi kandle to go out and for me to pitch into bed.
In conclusion, to show that I aint fooling, i would be willing, if I had them, to swap ten fust class fleas any time for a small sized cockroach, and if the fellow complained that I had shaved him in the trade, I would return the cockroach and sware that we waz even.
THE MULE.
The mule is haf hoss and haf Jackass, and then kums tu a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake.
THE MULE.
Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar.
Tha kant hear enny quicker, nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes.
You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than the mules. The only wa tu keep the mules into a paster, is tu turn them into a medder jineing, and let them jump out.
Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu abuse.
Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on huckle berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada thistels.
164Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu them at tall.
Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile. Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you kould a Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no dissease that a good club wont heal.
If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never herd noboddy sa “ded mule.”
Tha are like sum men, verry korrupt at harte; ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse to kick sumbody.
I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless thare is a United Staits law passed, requiring it.
The only reason why tha are pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs.
I have seen eddikated mules in a sirkus.
Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage, and man want tu blame for it.
Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule, ought to be exempt by law from running for the legislatur.
Tha are the strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest ackording tu their sise; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the water about 2 feet 6 inches; i did’nt see this did, but an auctioneer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless it was absolutely convenient.
BED BUGS.
I never see ennybody yet but what despised Bed Bugs. They are the meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things.
They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw him while he iz fast asleep.
165A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a chance tew knock in hiz sides—the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a dash at you even in Broadway—but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you.
If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn’t hesitate to damn a bed bugg right tew hiz face.
Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a small way; one pair ov them will stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small family a whole year.
It don’t do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and then heave it away and buy a new one.
Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size ov a bluejay’s eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out to garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru garroting they are swelled up like a blister.
It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them.
If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy.
If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong road, for there kant be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long, and raising a family, besides, tew foller the same trade.
If there iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the hereticks.
THE FLEA.
The smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most pesky, iz the Flea.
They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like a bran new shot.
166They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than enny ov the bug-brutes.
They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea will go aul over a man’s subburbs in 2 minnitts, and leave him az freckled az the meazels.
It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware, and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain’t thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them.
I don’t suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America, unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost.
They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you don’t mash them up az fine az ground pepper they will start bizzness agin, on a smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever.
Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it takes a pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow; they don’t stay long in a place.
If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything else; for if you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late.
Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits.
NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME.
The shanghi ruseter is a gentile, and speaks in a forrin tung.
He is bilt on piles like a Sandy Hill crane.
If he had bin bilt with 4 legs, he wud resembel the peruvian lama.
He is not a game animil, but quite often cums off sekund best in a ruff and tumble fite; like the injuns, tha kant stand sivilization, and are fast disappearing.
167Tha roost on the ground, similar tew the mud turkle.
Tha oftin go to sleep standing, and sum times pitch over, and when tha dew, tha enter the ground like a pickaxe.
Thare food consis ov korn in the ear.
Tha crow like a jackass, troubled with the bronskeesucks.
Tha will eat as mutch tu onst as a district skule master, and ginerally sit down rite oph tew keep from tipping over.
SHANGHI.
Tha are dredful unhandy tew cook, yu hav tu bile one eend ov them tu a time, yu kant git them awl into a potash kittle tu onst.
The femail ruster lays an eg as big as a kokernut, and is sick for a week afterwards, and when she hatches out a litter of yung shanghis she has tew brood them standing and then 168 kant kiver but 3 ov them—the rest stand around on the outside, like boys around a cirkus tent, gitting a peep under the kanvas when ever tha kan.
The man who fust brought the breed into this kuntry ought tew own them all and be obliged tew feed them on grasshoppers, caught bi hand.
I never owned but one and he got choked tu deth bi a kink in a clothes line, but not until he had swallered 18 feet ov it.
Not enny shanghi for me, if yu pleze; i wuld rather board a travelling kolporter, and as for eating one, give me a biled owl rare dun, or a turkee buzzard, roasted hole, and stuffed with a pair ov injun rubber boots, but not enny shanghi for me, not a shanghi!
Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust place, that hens, thus far, are a suckcess.
They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff.
This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their younger daze; but the hen ain’t tew blame for this.
Biled hen iz universally respekted.
Thare iz a grate deal ov originality tew the hen—exactly how mutch i kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. Sum say Knower had hens with him in the ark and sum say he didn’t. So it goes, which and tuther.
I kant tell yu which waz born fust, the hen or the egg; sumtimes i think the egg waz—and sumtimes i think the hen waz—and sumtimes i think i don’t kno, and i kant tell now, which way iz right, for the life ov me.
Laying eggs iz the hen’s best grip.
A hen that kant lay eggs—iz laid out.
One egg iz konsidered a fair day’s work for a hen. I hav herd ov their doing better, but i don’t want a hen ov mine tew do it—it iz apt tew hurt their constitution and bye-laws, and thus impare their futer worth.
The poet sez, butifully:
This sounds trew enuff for poetry, but i will bet 75 thousand dollars that it never took place.
The best time tew sett a hen, is when the hen is reddy.
I kant tell you what the best breed is, but the shanghigh is the meanest. It kosts as mutch tew board one, as it duz a stage hoss, and yu mite as well undertake tew fat a fanning-mill, by running oats thru it.
Thare aint no proffit in keeping a hen for his eggs, if he laze less than one a day.
Hens are very long lived, if they dont contrakt the thrut disseaze,—thare is a grate menny goes tew pot, evry year, bi this melankolly disseaze.
I kant tell exactly how tew pick out a good hen, but as a general thing, the long-eared ones, are kounted the best.
The one-legged ones, i kno, are the lest ap tew skratch up a garden.
Eggs packed in equal parts ov salt, and lime water, with the other end down, will keep from 30, or 40, years, if they are not disturbed.
Fresh beef-stake is good for hens; i serpose 4 or 5 pounds a day, would be awl a hen would need, at fust along.
I shall be happee tew advise with yu, at enny time, on the hen question, and—take it in egg.
THE AUNT.
The ant iz a menny footted insekt.
They live about one thousand five hundred and fifty of them (more or less), in the same hole in the ground, and hold their property in common.
They hav no holydays, no eight-hour sistem, nor never strike for enny higher wages.
They are cheerful little toilers, and hav no malice, nor back door to their hearts.
Their iz no sedentary loafers amung them, and yu never see one out ov a job.
170They git up arly, go tew bed late, work all the time, and eat on the run.
Yu never see two ants argueing sum phoolish question that neither ov them didn’t understand; they don’t kare whether the moon iz inhabited, or not; nor whether a fish weighing two pounds, put into a pail ov water allreddy phull, will make the pail slop over, or weigh more.
They ain’t a-hunting after the philosopher’s stone, nor gitting crazy over the cauze of the sudden earthquakes.
They don’t care whether Jupiter iz 30 or 31 millions ov miles up in the air, nor whether the arth bobs around on its axes or not, so long az it don’t bob over their korn krib and spill their barley.
They are simple, little, bizzy aunts, full ov faith, working hard, living prudently, committing no sin, prazeing God by minding their own bizzness, and dieing when their time cums, tew make room for the next crop ov aunts.
They are a reproach to the lazy, an encouragement tew the industrious, a rebuke tew the viscious, and a studdy to the Christian.
If yu want tew take a lesson in arkitekture, go and set down bi the side ov their hole in the ground, and wonder how so menny kan liv so thick.
If yure pashunce needs consolashun, watch the ants, and be strengthened.
If man had (added tew hiz capacity) the pashunce and grit ov theze little atoms ov animated natur, every mountin on the buzzum ov the arth would, before this, hav bin levelled, and every inch ov surface would scream with fruitfulness, and countless lots ov human critters would hav bin added to the inhabitants ov the universe, and bin fed on corn and other sass.
I hav sot by the hour and a haff down near an aunt-hill, and marvelled; hav wondered at their instinkts, and hav thought how big must be the jackass who waz satisfied to beleave that even an ant, the least ov the bugs, could hav been created, made bizzy, and sot to work by chance.
171Oh, how i do pity the individual who beleaves that all things here are the work ov an acksident! He robs himself ov all plezzure on earth, and all right in Heaven.
I had rather be an ant (even a humbly, bandy-legged, profane swearing ant), than to look upon the things ov this world az i would on the throw ov the dice.
Ants are older than Adam.
Man (for very wize reasons) want bilt untill all other things were finished, and pronounced good.
If man had bin made fust he would hav insisted upon bossing the rest ov the job.
He probably would hav objekted to having enny little bizzy aunts at all, and various other objekshuns would hav bin offered, equally green.
I am glad that man waz the last thing made.
If man hadn’t hav bin made at all, you would never hav heard me find enny fault about it.
I haven’t much faith in man, not bekauze he kant do well but bekauze he wont.
Ants hav bye laws, and a constitushun, and they mean sumthing.
Their laws aint like our laws, made with a hole in them, so that a man kan steal a hoss and ride thru them on a walk.
They don’t hav enny whisky ring, that iz virtewous, simply, bekauze it hooks bi the millyun, and then legalizes its own ackts.
They don’t hav enny legislators that yu kan buy, nor enny judges, laying around on the haff shell, reddy tew be swallered.
I rather like the aunts, and think now I shall sell out mi money and real estate, and jine them.
I had rather jine them than the bulls or the bears, i like their morals better.
The bulls and the bears handle more money, it iz true, and make a grate deal more noize in Wall street, one ov them sticking his horn into a flabby piece ov Erie and tossing it up into the air, and the other ketching it when it cums down, and trampling it under hiz paws.
172This may be phun for the bulls and the bears, but it iz wuss than the cholera morbust for poor Erie.
Ants never disturb Erie; yu couldn’t sell one eny Erie, enny more than you could sell one skrip on the cod-fish banks ov Nufoundland.
Ants are a honest, hard-tugging little people, but whether they marry, and giv in marriage, iz beyond my strength; but if they don’t they are no wuzz oph than they are out west (near the city of Chicago), where they marry to-day and apply for an injunkshun to-morrow; and are reddy the next day to fite it out agin on sum other line.
Wedlok out west (near the grate grain mart Chicago) iz one ov them kind ov locks that almost enny boddy kan pick.
SUM SNAIX.
THE ADDER.
The adder iz az spotted az a checker-board, and are very butiful tew admire at a propper distance oph.
They hav a koal blak eye, which revolves on its axis, and shines like a glass bead.
They kan be found in wet places, and are handy tew liv, both down in the water, and up on the top ov the land. They kan slip oph from an old bridge, or a log, into a mill pond, az natral, and az eazy, az a pint ov turpentine, and kno how tew swim, and wave, on the brest ov sum water like the shaddo ov the weeping willo.
They are harmless tew bight, but one adder, would spile all the bathing thare waz in a mill pond for me, when i waz a boy.
THE STRIPED SNAIK.
The striped snaix is one ov the garden varietys. They inhabit door yards, and stun heaps down at the foot ov the garden, and piles ov old boards, and weedy spots, and grass generally.
173
They are the domestik snaik, if thare iz enny such thing, and are really az harmless az an old garter, but az full ov fraid tew almost every boddy, az a torpedo.
The fust snaix, we hav enny ackount ov much, waz the devil, surnamed bellyzebubb, who wiggled his way into the Garden of Eden, and without a single trump in hiz hand, beat our two original ansesstors, out ov joy inneffible, and glory halleluyer forever, and gave them in exchange for it sorrow without stint, and wo unutterabel. This was an unkommon poor trade for the human family. All snaiks are sneaks, and steal around on their slippry stummuks, az still, and greazy, az lamp ile.
Snaix kant stand the enkroachments ov civilizashun, the seed ov the woman iz alwus after them with a long pole, and a man, post haste for a doktor, will alwuss dismount, and hich hiz animile hoss, tew put an extra hed onto a snaix.
This kind ov treatment has alwus made snaiks raizing a dredful risky bizzness teu follow.
Out ov one thousand snaixs born annually, the staytisstix sho 930 ov them die in a grate hurry, espeshily whare churches and school houses flourish.
I don’t kno ov a more unhelthy spot in the world for a snaix teu settle down and undertaik teu bring up a family than near a distrikt school house.
174Let enny body just holler “striped snaix” once, near a distrikt school house, and you will see the snaix begin teu paddle, and the young ones begin tew bile out like hornets out ov their nest, and proceed for that snaix like a flok of young turkeys for a Junebug.
Striped snaiks are about two feet and one haff in length, and about one inch in diameter, and “thareby hangs a tail.”
THE BLUE RACER.
The blue racer is a Western snaik, about 6 feet in length, ov a pale blue color, and the smartest snaix, for suddenness, in the universe.
They kan run, on a unmown meaddo, as fast as ahoss, with their heds about 2 foot high, and their whole boddy bileing with muscles.
They are az harmless az a rabbit, and will run if you chase them, and then will turn and chase you, if you want them tew play “tag.”
They are froliksom cusses, but I never did hanker for sitch kind of refreshments.
They are the nicest kind ov a mark to shoot at.
Draw a fine sight on their heds when they hold up abov the turf, and let them hav one barrell ov number 6 shot, and the hed will be missing, and the ballance ov the snaix will be looking after the hed in a grate hurry, turning all sorts of back summersets and double and twisted bo knots, and hirogliphick kontortions for 20 minutes, before they make up their mind that it is safe tew die.
It is a dredful krewel sight tew see them ketch a frog, it iz alwus done on a run, and done quick, for the poor frog don’t stand enny more chance ov getting away than a chesnutt tree duz when lightning fires up, and goes for it.
They swallo the frog whole, and stik out with a frog in them like a yung purp who haz allowed a quart ov buttermilk tew find its way into him.
THE BLAK SNAIK.
The blak snaix iz the only one i kno ov who kan klimb a 175 tree without boosting, and take the yung birds out ov their nests oph from the topmost limb.
They are az handy in a tree top az a yung munkey, but are not pizon tew bight.
They hav a festive way ov choking things tew death by making a cravat ov themselfs around the thruts ov their victims.
I hav herd ov wicked children being killed in this way, but never knu a boy who tended Sunday skool regular, and who want sassy tew hiz grandfather, and who didn’t eat enny green apples, and hav the stummuk ake in consequents, to get choked bi a blak snaix.
Wicked little boys, who pla marbles on Sunday, and who say “Go up, old bald hed,” and who put kittens into tar barrels will make a note ov this.
The blak snaix iz about 5 feet in length, and sumtimes haz a white ring around hiz nek.
There iz very little poetry in snaix ov enny kind, untill they git their heds smashed, and here iz just whare the poetry comes in.
There ain’t much poetry in me, but if I waz called upon tew write an obituary notiss for the whole race ov snaix, who lay dead in one pile, i would take oph mi coat, rool up mi sleeves, and saliva mi hands, and rite sum verses that i wouldn’t be ashamed ov enny how, for i should expekt the solemnity ov the ockashun would help me out ov the skrape.
THE MILK SNAIK.
The milk snaix hangs around pasture lots, and iz said tew fasten onto the udders ov the cows, and git hiz milk puntch in this underhand way.
I don’t beleave this, but in writing the biography ov snaix no man iz obliged tew tell the whole truth about them enny how.
Fish and snaix are two things that authors are apt tew consider the fackts ov when they write onto them.
I never knu a man yet, not even of fust rate judgment, 176 if he should ketch a fish that weighed 4 pounds but would guess he weighed 6, and if he should kill a snaix that was 5 feet, and three inches long, would want tew sware he waz 14 foot long, without taking the krooks out ov him.
This iz human natur, and human natur is heavy on a marvel.
The Bible sez, “marvel not,” and altho i look upon all things in the Bible with the utmost venerashun, I hav wondered if Joner’s ketching the whale just az he did, wasn’t some kind ov authority for the fish storys ov the present daze.
If a man in theze times should ketch a whale az Joner did, he would write an ackount ov it, and travel around the kuntry and lektur onto it, and when he deskribed the size ov that whale, if a man wan’t smart in figgures, he would git a poor idea of the animile’s dimenshuns.
I never have saw a milk snaix yet, and if i phool mi life away, and don’t never see one, I don’t intend tew mourn inkonsolably about it.
I hav alreddy seen all the snaix I want to, and wouldn’t go a haff a mile from here to see all the snaix on the buzzum ov the earth unless thare waz a bonfire ov them.
Snaix ov all kinds hav got but one destiny tew fill, and Divine Providence haz fixt that; it is tew git their heds squeezed by a suitable sized pebble.
THE RACCOON, AND THE PETTYFOGGER.
The Raccoon iz a resident of the United States ov America; he emigrated tew this country, soon after its diskovery by Columbus, without a cent, and nothing but hiz claws tew git a living with.
He iz one ov them kind ov persons whoze hide iz worth more than all the rest ov him.
He resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates the 177 cornfields and nabring garden sass for sustenance, and understands hiz bizzness.
Hiz family consists ov a wife and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree.
He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew receive calls, but his nights are devoted tew looking after hiz own affairs.
He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail, which iz round, haz rings on it.
Theze rings are ov the same material that the tail iz, and are worn upon all occasions.
During the winter he ties himself up into a hard not and lays down by hiz fireside.
When spring opens, he opens, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered.
Hiz life iz as free from labor az a new penny, and if it wasn’t for the dogs and the rest ov mankind, the rackcoon would find what everyboddy else haz lost—a heaven upon earth.
But the dogs tree him and the men skin him, and what there iz left ov him ain’t worth a cuss.
He iz not a natral vagabond like the hedgehog and the alligator, but luvs to be civilized and liv amung folks; but he haz one vice that the smartest missionary on earth kan’t redeem, and that iz the art ov stealing.
He iz seckond only tew the crow in pettit larceny, and will steal what he kant eat, nor hide.
He will tip over a barrell ov apple sass just for the fun ov mauling the sass with his feet, and will pull out the plug out ov the mollassis, not be kause he luvs sugar enny better than he duz yung duck, but jist tew see if the mollassis haz got a good daub tew it.
I hav studdied animal deviltry for 18 years, bekause the more deviltry in an animal, the more human he iz.
I can’t find, by sarching the passenger list, that Noah had a coon on board, but i am willing tew bet 10 pound ov mutton 178 sassage, that mister coon, and hiz wife were commuted, by stealing a ride.
I never knu a rackcoon tew want ennything long, that he could steal quick.
Ennyboddy who haz ever looked a coon, right square in the face, will bet yu a dollar, that he iz a dead beat, or under five hundred dollar bonds, not tew go into the bizzness, for the next ninety days.
I hav had tame coons by the dozzen, they are az eazy tew tame az a child, if yu take them young enuff, but i kan’t advise ennybody to cultivate coons, they want az mutch looking after, az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more profit in them, than thar iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie Rail Road.
I never waz out ov a pet animal since I kan remember, till now, but i hav gone out ov the trade forever; lately, i diskovered, that it waz a good deal like making a whissell out ov a kats tale, ruining a comfortable tale, and reaping a kursid mean whissel.
Rackcoons liv tew be 65 years old, if they miss the sosiety ov men, and dogs enuff, but thare aint but few ov them die ov old age; the north western fur company, are the grate undertakers of the coon family.
I feel sorry for coons; for with a trifle more brains, they would make respectable pettifoggers before a justiss ov the peace; but even this would not save them from final perdishun.
Natur don’t make any mistakes, after all; she hits the bull right in the eye every time: when she wants a rackcoon with rings on hiz tale, she makes him; and when she wants a pettyfogger, she knows how tew make him, without spileing a good coon.
Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav a destiny to fill, and they may enable a justiss ov the peace, in a cloudy day, tew know a good deal less ov the law than he otherwize would; still, for all this, if I war obliged tew pray for one or the other, I think now I should say, Giv us a leetle more coon, and a good deal less pettyfogger.
179If the Raccoon would only giv his whole attenshun tew politicks, thar ain’t but few could beat him; he is at home on the stump, and menny on us, old coons, kan reckolekt how, in 1840, with nothing but a hard cider diet, he swept the country, from the north to the south pole, like a cargo ov epsom salts.
THE FEATHERED ONES.
DUK.
The duk is a foul. Thare aint no doubt about this—naturalists say so, and kommon sense teaches it.
THE FEATHERED ONES.
They are bilt sumthing like a hen, and are an up-and-down, flat-footed job. They don’t kackle like the hen, nor kro like the rooster, nor holler like the peakok, nor scream like the goose, nor turk like the turkey; but they quack like a root dokter, and their bill resembles a vetenary surgeon’s.
They have a woven fut, and kan float on the water az natral az a sope bubble.
They are pretty mutch all feathers, and when the feathers are all removed, and their innards out, thare iz just about az mutch meat on them az thare iz on a krook-necked squash that haz gone tew seed.
180Wild duks are very good shooting, and are very good to miss also, unless yu understand the bizness.
You should aim about three foot ahead ov them, and let them fly up tew the shot.
I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a tail-feather now and then; but this satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kind ov sport, yu know.
Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard tew kill, even if yu do hit them. I shot, one whole afternoon, three years ago, at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I hav never told ov this before, and hope no one will repeat it—this iz strikly confidenshall.
TURKEY.
Roast turkey iz good, but turkey with kranberry sass iz better.
The turkey iz a sedate person, and seldum forgits herself by gitting onto a frolik.
They are ov various colors, and lay from 12 to 18 eggs, and they generally lay them whare noboddy iz looking for them but themselfs.
Turkeys travel about nine miles a day, during pleasant weather, in search ov their daily bred, and are smart on a grasshopper, and red hot on a kriket.
Wet weather iz bad on a turkey—a good smart shower will drown a yung one, and make an old one look and akt az tho they had just been pulled out ov a swill barrel with a pair of tongs.
The maskuline turkey or gobler, as they are familiary called, hav seazons ov strutting which are immense.
I hav seen them blow themselfs up with sentiments of pride or anger, and travel around a red flannel petticoat hung onto a clothes line just az tho they waz mad at the petticoat for sumthing it had, did, or sed tew them.
The hen turkey alwus haz a lonesum look tew me az tho she had been abuzed bi sumboddy.
Turkeys kan endure az mutch kold weather az the vane on 181 a church steeple, i hav known them tew roost all night on the top limb ov an oak tree, with the thermometer 20 degrees belo zero, and in the morning fly down and wade through the sno in a barn-yard to cool oph.
P. S.—If you kant hav kranberry with roast turkey, apple sass will do.
THE HOSSTRITCH.
The hosstritch iz a citizen ov the dessart, and lay an egg about the size ov a man’s hed the next day after he haz been on a bumming excursion.
They resemble in size, and figger about 15 shanghi roosters at once, and are chiefly important for the feathers which inhabit their tails.
The hosstritch are hunted on hossbak, and they kan trot a mile kluss to 3 minnitts.
They lay their eggs in the sand, and i think the heat ov the sand hatches them out.
They ain’t bilt right for hatchin out eggs, enny more than a large-sized figger 4 iz.
I don’t kno whether their eggs are good tew eat or not, but i guess not for i never have seen ham and hosstritch eggs advertised on enny ov our fashionable bills ov fare.
Biled hosstritch may be nourishing and may be not; I think this would depend a good deal upon who waz called upon tew eat it.
I shan’t never enquire for biled hosstritch az long az i remain in mi right mind.
If the hosstritch iz a blessing tew the dessert country I hope they will stay thare, for so long as we hav the turkey buzzard, and the Sandy Hill Crane, I feel az tho we could git along, and endure life.
I am writing this essa on the hosstritch a good deal by guess, for i hav never seen them in their natiff land, nor never mean to, for jist so long az i kan git 3 meals a day, and liv whare grass groze, and water runs, i don’t mean tew hanker for hot sand.
182THE PARROT.
The parrot iz a bird ov menny colours, and inklined tew talk.
They take holt ov things with their foot, and hang on like a pair ov pinchers.
They are the only bird i kno ov who kan konverse in the inglish language, but like meny other nu beginners, they kan learn tew swear the eazyest.
They are kept az pets, and like all other pets, are useless.
In a wild state ov nature, they may be ov sum use, but they looze about 90 per cent ov their value by civilizashun.
They resemble the border injun in this respekt.
When yu cum tew take 90 per cent oph from most enny thing, except the striped snaik, it seems tew injure the proffits.
I owned a parrot once, for about a year, and then gave him away, i haven’t seen the man I giv him to since, but i presume he looks upon me az a mean kuss.
If i owned all the parrotts thare iz in the United States, I would banish them immejiately tew their native land, with the provizo that they should stay thare.
I don’t make theze remarks tew injure the feelings ov thoze who hav sot their pheelings on parrotts, or pets ov enny kind, for i kant help but think that a person who gives up their time and tallents tew pets, even a sore eyed lap dorg, displays grate nobility ov karakter. (This last remark wants tew be took different from what it reads.)
THE BOBALINK.
The bobalink iz a blak bird with white spots on him.
They make their appearanse in the northern states about the 10th ov June, and commence bobalinking at once.
They inhabit the open land, and luv a meadow that iz a leetle damp.
The female bird don’t sing, for the male makes noize enuff for the whole family.
They have but one song, but they understand that perfektly well.
183When they sing their mouths git az phull ov musik az a man’s duz ov bones who eats fried herring for brekfast.
Bobolinks are kept in cages, and three or four ov them in one room make just about as mutch noize az an infant class repeating the multiplikashun table all at once.
THE EAGLE.
Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in eagles; they kan look at the sun without winking; they kan split the clouds with their flashing speed; they kan pierce the blu etherial away up ever so fur; they kan plunge into midnight’s blak space like a falling star; they kan set on a giddy krag four thousand miles hi, and looking down onto a green pasture kan tell whether a lamb iz phatt enough tew steal or not.
Jupiter, the Peterfunk, god ov the anshunts, had a grate taste for eagles, if we kan beleave what the poeks sing.
I hav seen the bald-headed eagle and shot them in all their native majesty, and look upon them with the same kind ov venerashun that i do upon all sheep stealers.
NATRAL HISTORY.
It is not the moste deliteful task, tew write the natral history ov the Louse, thare iz enny quantity of thorobred folks, who would konsidder it a kontaminashun, az black az pattent leather, to say louse, or even think louse, but a louse is a fackt, and aul fackts are never more at home, nor more unwilling to move, than when they git into the head. The louse is one ov the gems ov antiquity. They are worn in the hair, and are more ornamental than useful.
Not having enny encyclopedia from which tew sponge mi informashun, and then pass it oph for mi own creashun, i shall be forced, while talking about the louse, “tew fight it out on the line” ov observashun, and when mi knowledge, and experience 184 gives out, i shall tap mi imaginashun, ov which i hav a crude supply.
Book edukashun iz a phatting thing, it makes a man stick out with other folks opinyuns, and iz a good thing tu make the vulgar rool up the white ov their eyes, and wonder how enny man could ever kno so mutch wisdum.
Schooling, when I waz a colt, didn’t lie around so loose az it duz now, and learning waz picked up oftner by running yure head aginst a stun wall, than by enny other kind ov mineralogy.
I have studied botany all day, in a flat meadow, pulling cowslops for greens, and then classified them, by picking them over and gitting them reddy for the pot.
All the astronomy i ever got i larnt in spearing suckers bi moonlite, and mi geoligy culminated at the further end of a woodchucks hole, espeshily if i got the woodchuck.
Az for moral philosophy and rhetorick, if it iz the science ov hooking green apples and water-mellons 30 years ago, and being auful sorry for it now, i am up head in that class.
But all this iz remote from the louse.
The louse iz a familiar animal, very sedentary in hiz habits, not apt tew git lost. They kan be cultivated without the aid ov a guide book, and with half a chance will multiply and thicken az much az pimples on the goose.
Thare iz no ground so fruitful for the full development ov this little domestick collateral, az a districkt school hous, and while the yung idea iz breaking its shell, and playing hide and go seek on the inside ov the dear urchins skull, the louse iz playing tag on the outside, and quite often gets on to the school mom.
I hav alwus had a hi venerashun for the louse, not bekause i consider them az enny evidence of genius, or even neatness, but becauze they remind me ov my boyhood innocence, the days away back in the alpahabet ov memory, when i sot on the flatt side ov a slab bench, and spelt out old Webster with one hand, and stirred the top ov my head with the other.
Philosophikally handled, the louse are gregarious, and were 185 a complete suckcess at one time in Egypt, bible historians don’t hesitate tew say, that they were aul the rage at that time, the whole crust ov the earth simmered and biled with them, like a pot ov steaming flax seed, they were a drug in the market.
But this waz more louse than waz necessary, or pleasant, and waz a punishment for sum sin, and ain’t spoke ov, az a matter tew brag on.
The louse are all well enuff in their place, and for the sake ov variety, perhaps a few ov them are just az good az more would be.
They were desighned for sum wize purpose, and for that very reason, are respektabel.
When, (in the lapse of time,) it cums tew be revealed to us, that a single louse, chewing away on the summit ov Daniel Webster’s head, when he waz a little schoolboy, waz the telegraphick tutch tew the wire that bust the fust idee in hiz brain, we shall see wisdom in the louse, and shant stick up our noze, untill we turn a back summersett, at these venerable soldjers, in the grand army ov progression.
After we hav reached years ov discretion, and have got our edukashun, and our karakters have got done developing, and we begin tew hold offiss, and are elekted justiss ov the peace, for instance, and don’t seem tew need enny more louse tew stir us up, it iz time enuff then tew be sassy to them.
Az for me, thare iz only one piece (thus far) ov vital creation, that i aktually hate, and that iz a bed-bugg. I simply dispize snaiks, fear musketoze, avoid fleas, don’t associate with the cockroach, go around toads, back out square for a hornet.
Nevertheless, moreover, to wit, i must say, even at this day of refinement, and bell letters, i do aktually luv to stand on tip-toe, and see a romping, red-cheeked, blew-eyed boy, chased up stairs and then down stair, and then out in the garden, and finally caught and throwed, and held firmly between hiz mother’s kneeze, and see an old, warped, fine-toothed horn comb go and come, half buried through a flood ov lawless hair, and drag each trip to the light, a fat and lively louse—and, 186 in conclusion, to hear him pop as mother pins him with her thum nail fast tew the center ov the comb, fills me chuck up to the brim with something, i don’t know what the feeling iz; perhaps sumboddy out ov a job can tell me.
KATS.
A kat iz sed to hav 9 lives, but i beleaf they dont hav but one square deth.
It iz allmost unpossible to tell when a kat iz ded without the aid ov a koroners jury.
I hav only one way miself to judge ov a ded kat.
KATS.
If a kat iz killed in the fall ov the year, and thrown over the stun wall into yure nabors lot, and lays thare all winter 187 under a sno bank, and dont thaw out in the spring, and keeps quiet during the summer months, and aint missing when winter sets in agin, I have alwus sed, that, ‘that kat,’ waz ded, or waz playing the thing dredful fine.
Speaking ov kats, mi opinyun iz, and will continue to be, that the old-fashioned kaliko-coulered kats iz the best breed for a man ov moderate means, who haint got but little munny to put into kats.
They propugate the most intensely, and lay around the stove more regular than the Maltese, or the brindle kind.
The yeller kat iz a fair kat, but they ain’t reliable; they are apt tew stay out late nights, and once in a while git on a bad bust.
Blak kats hav a way ov gitting on the top ov the wood-house when other folks hav gone tew bed, and singing dewets till their voices spile, and their tails swell till it seems az tho they must split.
THE HUM BUGG.
The most vain and impudent bug known to naturalists (or enny other private individual) iz the hum bugg.
They have no very partickular parents nor birth place, are born a good deal az tud stools are, wherever they kan find a good soft spot.
It haz been sed by commontaters that Satan himself iz the father ov hum buggs—if this iz a fakt he haz got more children than he kan watch, and sum very fast yung ones amungst them.
The hum buggs don’t generally live a grate while at once, but have the fackulty ov dieing in one place, and being suddenly born in another.
They are ov awl genders, including the maskuline, feminine and nutral, and kan liv and grow phatt whare an honest bugg would starve to death begging.
188The hum bugg will eat enny thing that they kan bite, and rather than loose a good meal will swaller a thing whole.
Every one sez they dispize the hum bugg and yet every boddy iz anxious tew make their acquaintance.
They hav the ontra to all cirkles ov sosiety without knocking from the highest tew the lowest, and tho often kicked out, are welcumed again and flattered more than ever.
The hum bugg haz more friends than he knows what to do with, but he manages tew giv general satisfakshun by cheating the whole of them.
The Bible sez “the grasshopper iz a burden”—and i believe it—but i think the hum bugg iz the heavyest bug ov the two.
But the world kant well spare the hum bugg; take them all out ov the world, and it would bother even an honest man tew git a living, for thare doesn’t seem, jist now, to be honesty enuff on hand to do our immense dry good bizzness with.
Honesty iz undoubtedly the best policy for a long run, but for a short race, hum bugg haz made sum excellent time.
I hav been bit bad bi this bugg miself several times, but not twice in the same spot—i follow the Skriptures when i am whare the hum bugg is plenty, if one bites me on one cheek, i turn him the other cheek also, but i don’t let him bite the other cheek also.
Thare ain’t enny boddy, i suppose, who acktually pines tew be bit by this selebrated bugg, they only luv tew see how near they can cum tew it without missing.
Human natur iz chuck full ov curiosity, curiosity iz jist what hum bugg makes menny a warm meal oph ov.
Sum ov theze bugg are not so sharp bitten and pizen az others, but this iz not so mutch owing tew their disposishun az it iz tew their natur; they all ov them bite the full length ov their teeth.
If thare iz enny boddy who hain’t never been bit bi a hum bugg yet, he must be sumboddy who has always staid at home with his uncle, and, lived on bread and milk, or was born numb all the way through, and couldn’t feel any kind ov a bite.
189If i should hear a man brag that one ov these bugs couldn’t bite him, I should set him down at once for a man who wan’t a good judge ov the truth. The bite of a hum bugg iz wuss than a hornet’s, and always different from a dog’s, for the dog growls, and then bites, but the hum bugg bites, and lets you do the growling.
THE BUGG BEAR.
Natral History has its myths and its ghosts, az well az enny boddy else, and foremost among these iz—the bugg bear.
The bugg bear iz born from an imaginary egg, and iz hatched by an imaginary process.
They are like a shadow in the afternoon, always a good deal bigger than the thing that casts it.
They are compozed ov two entirely different animals, the bugg and the bear, but generally turn out to be pretty much all bug.
They are like the assetts on a bankrupt broker, the more you examine them, the smaller they grow.
I have known them tew cum out ov a hole like a mice, and grow in tew minnits az big az an elephant, and then run back agin into the same hole they cum out ov.
They are like a young wild pigeon in their habits, the biggest when they are first born.
They are common to all countrys and all peoples, the philosophers hav seen them az often az the children hav, and ben as badly skared by them.
They are az innocent az a rag doll, but are az full ov deviltry az a jack lantern.
Bugg bears are az plenty in this world az pins on the side walks, but noboddy ever sees them but those folks who are alwus hunting for them.
190THE GAME CHICKEN.
Lo, and behold the game rooster!
He weighs about 3 pounds and a quarter, more or less, and iz reddy tew fite for a kingdom. He stands up on hiz feet like a piece ov ginger-root, with each feacher fastened in its place.
THE GAME CHICKEN.
Hiz eye gleams in its socket like a soltaire on the queen’s finger.
Hiz head iz like the snaiks head, and his beak shines like the point ov a dagger.
When he steps, he steps like a bunch ov kat gurt, and hiz crow iz like the yung injuns fust whoop on the warpath. Hiz plumage gives back the sun shine like the ruby and amethist, and hiz legs are all golden.
Hiz gaffs are ov burnt steel, and hiz tail and wing feathers are clipped for the battle.
Bring on the other rooster.
THE DUK.
The Duk iz a kind ov short legged hen.
When cooked they are very good means ov nourishment, in fakt, it will do to call roste duk and apple sass eazy tew contend with.
191The duk haz a big foot for the size ov their boddy, but their foot iz not the right kind ov a foot for digging in the garden.
Their foot iz like a small spider’s web, only more substanshul bilt.
They are amphipicuss, and kan sale on the water az natral and eazy az a grease spot.
They kan div in the water az handy az a hull frog, and never git water soaked.
Water won’t stay quiet on a duk’s back no longer than quicksilver will whare it iz down hill.
Duks hav a broad bill which enables them tew eat their food without enny spoon.
They are more proffitable tew keep than a hen, bekauze they kan eat so mutch faster.
Duks are addikted tew a wild state ov natur, but civilizashun haz did sumthing handsum for duks, and made them the companyuns ov man and old wimmin.
Next tew her grand children, an old woman thinks most ov her duks.
The duk iz a good hand tew raze feathers, which groze all over their person simultanously without enny order.
Thare aint any room on the outside ov a duk for enny more feathers.
They shed their feathers by having them pulled out, and these feathers make a good, tuff bed.
A duk’s feather bed iz a good place tew raze nite mares on.
Men often call their wifes their “dear duks,” this is on ackount ov their big bills.
The duk don’t kro like a rooster, but quaks like a duk.
They do a good deal ov quacking that don’t amount tew mutch.
Sumtimes doktors are called quacks, but i never hav bin told whi.
The duk iz not the most profitable bird extant for vittles; for, when yu hav got oph all the feathers, and pull out their stummuk, thare aint enny more left on them, than thare iz on the outside ov an eg shel.
192They are fust rate feeders, and alwus hav a leetle more appetight left.
Their leggs are lokated on their boddy like a pair ov hind leggs, and i hav seen them eat till they tipt over forwards.
Duks ought to hav a pair ov before leggs, and then they couldn’t eat themselfs oph from their feet.
Duks la eggs, but don’t la them around loose.
Hunting duks’ eggs iz a mitey cluss transackshun.
A man couldn’t earn 30 cents a day and board himself, hunting duks’ eggs.
The wild duk iz a game bird, and are shot on the wing.
They kan fli next faster tew a wild pigeon, and if yu aim right at them on the wing, yure shot will hit whare the wild duk just waz.
I hav seen akres ov them git up oph from the water at once; they made az mutch noize az the breaking up ov a kamp meeting.
I hav often fired into them with a dubble-barrelled gun, when they waz rizing, with both mi eyes shut, and never injured enny duk, az i kno ov.
I always waz fust rate at missing wild duks on the move.
Sumtimes a duk gits lame, and, when they do, they lay rite down and giv it up.
Thare ain’t no 2 legged thing on the face ov this earth kan outlimp a lame duk.
Yu often hear the term “lame duk” applied tew sum men, and perhaps never knu what it ment.
Studdy natur, and yu will find out whare all the truth cums from.
THE SANDY HILL CRANE.
The crane iz neither flesh, beast, nor fowl, but a sad mixtur ov all theze things.
He mopes along the brinks ov kreeks and wet places, looking for sumthing he haz lost.
He haz a long bill, long wings, long legs, and iz long all over.
193He iz born ov one egg and goes thru life az lonesum az a lasts year’s bird’s nest.
He livs upon lizzards and frogs, and picks up things with hiz bill az he would with a pair ov tongs.
He sleeps standing like a gide board, and sumtimes tips over in hiz dreams, and then hiz bill enters the ground like a pik ax.
When he flies thru the the air, he iz az graceful az a windmill, broke loose from its fastenings.
Cranes are not very plenty in this world, but the supply, up tew this date, just about equals the demand.
The crane iz not a good bird for diet; the meat tastes like injun rubber stretched tight over a clothes hoss.
I never hav et enny crane, nor don’t mean to, untill all the biled owl in the country givs out.
I kant tell what the Sandy Hill crane waz made for, and it aint none ov mi bizzness—even a crane from Sandy Hill kan fill hiz destiny, and praize God loafing along the banks ov a kreek and spearing frogs for hiz dinner.
I hav spent mutch time among the birds, beasts, and fishes, and expekt tew spend more, and tho i couldn’t never tell exackly what cumfort a musketo waz tew the bulk ov mankind, or what kredit he waz tew himself, i am forced tew admit that enny thing so perfektly and delikately made iz, to say the least, a dredful smart job.
Cranes are very long-lived, and are az free from guile az a bread pill iz.
Cranes seldom git shot. Thare iz two reazons for this; one iz, they alwus keep gitting a leetle further oph; and the other iz, thare would be no more kredit for a hunter in bringing a ded crane home for game than thare would be a yeller dog.
MORE SNAIKS.
THE RATTLESNAIX.
The rattlesnaik iz ov a dull yaller color, from four to six feet in size, ackordin tew length, and all the way ov a bigness.
194They hav a pizon tooth, and a dedly natur.
MORE SNAIKS.
On the further end ov their boddy they hav sum loose bones, which they kan play a tune upon, which makes the noize from which they take their name from.
Thare iz only one remidy for the bite ov a rattlesnaik that I kno ov, and that iz whisky.
I have seen a man that had bin bit bi one, drink three quarts ov whisky, and be sober enuff all the time tew jine the sons ov tempranse.
I hope I never shall be bit bi a rattlesnaix, not so mutch on ackount ov the snaik az on ackount ov the whisky.
I think three quarts ov whiskey in mi person at onst would keep me drunk forevermore.
The grate mortal enemy ov the snaiks iz the hog.
I have seen a woods hog take after a rattlesnaix, and ketch him in running 50 yards, and with 3 rips and a snatch, tare mister rattlesnaix into ribbons, and then swallo him whole without saying grace.
The woods, or wild hog, iz the grate snakes eradikator. They will hunt for them like a setter dog for a woodkok, and if the snaix bight them, they hav a way ov laying down in a mud hole and soaking the pizon all out ov them.
THE HOOP SNAIK.
This remarkable snaix haz a funny way ov taking their tail 195 in their mouth and making a hoop ov themselfs. They kan travel a good gait.
Thare iz a tradishun that the end ov their tale iz ov bone, and iz filled with pizon, ov the most deadly dimenshuns, but I think this iz only a lie.
Az I sed before, it iz so natral tew lie about snaix that it iz a great wonder to me that they don’t leave this world entirely, and take up their abode sumwhare else, whare they kan hav a fair show.
I am about 7 eights ov a mind tew beleave that the hoop snaix iz one ov P. T. Barnum kind ov kritters, that yu pay yure money tew see in the menagarie, and then take yure chances.
The only way tew git at the truth about snaix iz to believe all yu hear, and more too.
THE ANAKONDY.
The anakondy iz the grate original land snaix, 365 feet in length, 4 feet below the eyes, 19 feet in circumference, and kan swallow an ox whole, if yu will saw hiz horns off.
They kan wind themselfs around the tallest oaks in the forest, and tare it up bi the roots, and lay waist a whole village in their wrath.
The anakondy iz a resident ov the tropikal klimates. He would freeze up solid in Vermont the fust winter, and would be kut up into kord wood bi the natives.
Anakondy wood, i should think, if it waz green, would make a lazy fire.
THE GARTER SNAIX.
The garter snaik derives hiz name from the habit he haz ov slipping up a gentlemen’s leg, and tieing himself into an artistik bo knot about hiz stocking, just belo the knee.
This iz more ornamental than pleasant, and haz been known tew result in the deth ov the snaix.
I kan imagine several things more pleasant than a live snaix festooned around one ov my legs; but then I am a nervous 196 individual, and when enny thing begins tew krawl around on me promiskus, I am too apt tew inquire into suddenly.
I suppoze thare iz plenty ov stoicks would luv tew hav a snaix do this, and would pat him on the hed, and chuck him under the chin, and sich like.
I giv all snaix fair notiss that they kant garter me, and if I couldn’t git rid of them enny other way, I would dissever miself from the leg, and stump it the rest ov mi daze.
But the more i reflekt upon theze things, the more i think the garter snaix iz a mith—a kind of inexplicable thing, indiskribabel, full ov mistery, and iz a mere type or shaddo ov the old, time-honored garter itself.
Thare iz a grate deal ov dream-like mist and wonderment in the garter.
They liv in poetry and song, and are seldum seen.
THE EEL SNAIK.
The eel snaix iz the only kind that iz valuable for food.
They will bight a hook az cheerfully az a snapping turtle, and hang on like a puppy tew an old kowhide boot.
They are much eazier tew git onto a hook than to git oph, for when yu draw them out ov the water they will tie themselfs and the fish line into more than 7 hundred dilemmas.
I had just az leafs take a bumbel bee oph from a dandylion az an eel off from a hook.
Fried eels are sed tew be good, but I alwus hav tew shut at least one eye when I eat them.
I don’t know az an eel iz the same az a snaix exactly, but they are near enuff to suit me.
THE SEE SARPENT SNAIX.
The see sarpent snaik beats all the snaix that have ever put in an appearanse yet.
Thare ain’t but one ov them, and he haz only been seen 5 times az yet.
The fust time he was seen waz off Nahant, on the Amerikan shore, and waz seen thare twice afterwards.
197He haz been seen twice at Newport, and we are told by the knowing ones, that he certainly may be expekted thare next season, and all judicious persons are urged tew engage their rooms at the hotels, in time tew witness the grate moral show.
This snaix iz believed bi naturalists tew be one thousand feet in length, with a head on him az big az a two story log-hous.
He mezzures one hundred feet in diameter, and iz 90 feet from hiz mouth tew the baze ov hiz fust phin.
He haz tew rows ov teeth in his upper and lower jaws, each tooth being three foot in length, and requires 10 tons ov fish for hiz daily support.
He coils himself about the largest whale, and crushes him tew jelly, in about 15 minnitts.
He travels between the coast ov Labrador and the Gulph ov Mexico, and kan make, aginst a hed wind, one hundred and thirty-six nots an hour.
The crowned heds ov Europe would giv almost ennything if he would visit their shores, but he iz the Grate Amerikan Snaix, and don’t hav tew leave home.
THE KOPPER-HED SNAIX.
This pison kuss iz about 18 inches long, ov a dark yello colour, and az phull ov natral venom az a quart ov modern whiskey.
They live on the side hills amung the rocks and stones, and are alwus reddy tew bight at a minnitt’s notiss.
They are the meanest snaix that meanders for a living, and thare iz pizen enuff in one ov them to kill oph a whole tribe ov border injuns, if it waz judiciously applied.
I have killed them miself in the month ov August when they waz so phull ov deadly virus that it would make yu sea-sik tew look at them.
I kant think ov a meaner deth than tew be bit by a kopper-hed and then lay down and die; it iz almost az unpleasant az being hung.
198Snaix dun a bad job for man in the gardin ov Eden, and whi they are still allowed tew hang around this world iz one ov thoze misterys which are a hard job for an unedukated man like me tew explain.
I abhor a snaix ov enny kind, but when they hav the power ov pizoning a fellow, added tew their ability tew skare him into fits, they are sublimely pestiverous.
THE BLU JAY AND OTHERS.
THE BLUJAY.
The blujay iz the dandy amung birds, a feathered fop, a jackanapes by natur, and ov no use only tew steal korn and eat it on a rail.
THE BLUJAY.
They are a misterious bird, for I hav seen them solitary and alone in the wooded wilderness, one hundred miles from enny sighns ov civilizashun.
Az a means ov diet, they are just about az luxurious az a biled indigo bag would be, such az the washwimmin use tew blue their clothes with.
The blujay haz no song—they kant sing even “From Greenland’s Icy Mountains;” but i must sa that a flok ov them, flying amung the evergreens on a kold winter’s morning, are hi colored and eazy tew look at.
199It iz hard work for me to say a harsh word aginst the birds, but when i write their history it iz a duty i owe tew posterity not to lie.
THE QUAIL.
The quail iz a game bird, about one size bigger than the robin, and so sudden that they hum when they fly.
They hav no song, but whissell for musik; the tune iz solitary and sad.
They are shot on the wing, and a man may be good in arithmetick, fust rate at parseing, and even be able tew preach acceptably, but if he hain’t studdied quail on the wing, he might az well shoot at a streak ov lightning in the sky az at a quail on the go.
Briled quail, properly supported with jellys, toast, and a champane Charlie, iz just the most diffikult thing, in mi humble opinyun, to beat in the whole history ov vittles and sumthing tew drink.
I am no gourmand, for i kan eat bred and milk five days out ov seven, and smak mi lips after i git thru, but if i am asked to eat briled quail by a friend, with judishious accompanyments, i blush at fust, then bow mi hed, and then smile sweet acquiescence—in other words, I always quail before such a request.
THE PATRIDGE.
The patridge iz also a game bird. Their game iz tew drum on a log in the spring ov the year, and keep both eyes open, watching the sportsmen.
Patridges are shot on the wing, and are az easy to miss az a ghost iz.
It iz phun enuff to see the old bird hide her yung brood when danger iz near. This must be seen, it kant be described and make enny boddy beleave it.
The patridge, grouse, and pheasant are cousins, and either one ov them straddle a gridiron natural enuff tew hav bin born thare.
200Take a couple of yung patridges and pot them down, and serve up with the right kind ov a chorus, and they beat the ham sandwich yu buy in the Camden and Amboy Railroad 87 1-2 per cent.
I have eat theze lamentabel Nu Jersey ham sandwich, and must sa that i prefer a couple ov bass wood chips, soaked in mustard water, and stuk together with Spalding’s glue.
THE WOODKOK.
The woodkok iz one ov them kind ov birds who kan git up from the ground with about az much whizz, and about az bizzy az a fire-kracker, and fly away az krooked az a kork-skrew.
They feed on low, wet lands, and only eat the most delikate things.
They run their tungs down into the soft earth, and gather tender juices and tiny phood.
They hav a long, slender bill, and a rich brown plumage, and when they lite on the ground yu lose sight ov them az quick az yu do ov a drop ov water when it falls into a mill pond.
The fust thing yu generally see ov a woodkok iz a whizz, and the last thing a whurr.
How so many ov them are killed on the wing iz a mistery to me, for it iz a quicker job than snatching pennys oph a red-hot stove.
I hav shot at them often, but i never heard ov my killing one ov them yet.
They are one ov the game birds, and menny good judges think they are the most elegant vittles that wear feathers.
THE GUINA HEN.
The guina hen iz a spekled kritter, smaller than the goose, and bigger than the wild pigeon.
They hav a keen eye, and a red kokade on their heds, and alwas walk on the run.
They lay eggs in great profushun, but they lay them so 201 much on the sly, that they often kan’t find them themselfs.
They are az freckled az a coach dog, and just about az tuff tew eat az a half-biled krow.
They hav a voic like a piccallo flute, and for racket two ov them kan make a saw that iz being filed ashamed ov itself.
They are a very shy bird, and the nearer yu git tew them the further they git oph.
They are more ornamental than uceful, but are chiefly good tew frighten away hawks.
They will see a hawk up in the sky three miles and a-half off, and will begin at once tew holler and make a fuss about it.
THE GOSLIN.
The goslin iz the old goose’s yung child. They are yeller all over, and az soft az a ball ov worsted. Their foot iz wove whole, and they kan swim az eazy az a drop of kaster oil on the water.
They are born annually about the 15th ov May, and never waz known tew die natually.
If a man should tell me he had saw a goose die a natral and square deth, I wouldn’t believe him under oath after that, not even if he swore he had lied about seeing a goose die.
The goose are different in one respekt from the human family, who are sed tew grow weaker but wizer; whereaz a goslin alwus grows tuffer and more phoolish.
I hav seen a goose that they sed waz 93 years old last June, and he didn’t look an hour older than one that waz 17.
The goslin waddles when he walks, and paddles when he swims, but never dives, like a duk, out ov sight in the water, but only changes ends.
The food ov the goslin iz rye, corn, oats, and barley, sweet apples, hasty pudding, and biled kabbage, cooked potatoze, raw meat, and turnips, stale bred, kold hash, and the buckwheat kakes that are left over.
They ain’t so partiklar az sum pholks what they eat, and won’t git mad and quit if they kan’t hav wet toast and lam chops every morning for breakfast.
202If i waz a going tew keep boarders, i wouldn’t want enny better feeders than an old she goose and 12 goslins. If i kouldn’t suit them i should konklude i had mistaken mi kalling.
Roast goslin iz good nourishment, if you kan git enuff ov it, but thare aint much waste meat on a goslin, after yu hav got rid ov their feathers, and dug them out inside.
I hav alwus notissd, when yu pass yure plate up for sum more baked goslin, at a hotel, the colored brother cums bak empty with plate, and tells yu, “Mister, the roast goslin iz no more.”
SMALL-SIZED VERMIN.
THE GRUB.
The grub iz all the fashionabel kullers except checkered, i never have saw a checkered grub so far.
I would giv ten cents tew see a checkered grub.
The grub (that i am talking about) boards in old rotten logs, and dekayed stumps, and grubs for a living.
They are about one intch in size, and are bilt like a skrew.
They look for all the world like a short strip ov phatt pork.
They enter rotten wood, like an intch skrew, pursewed bi a skrew-driver.
They are very mutch retired in their habits, and are az free from anger az a tudstool.
Sum pholks kant see enny munny in a grub, but i kan.
I hav chopt them out ov an old stump, the further end ov April, and then put them onto a hook, and krept down behind a bunch of willows, in the meadow, and dropt them, kind a natral, into the swift water, and in less than forty seckonds hav jerked out ov the silvery flood twelve ounces ov trout, and while he turned purple, and gold summersetts on the grass, i hav had mi harte swell up in me, like a halleluyer.
203I had rather ketch a trout in this way than tew be president ov the United States for the same length ov time.
VERMIN.
Thare may not be az mutch ambishun in it, but thare iz a glory in it, az krazy, and az safe, az soda water.
It don’t take mutch tew make me happy, but it will take more munny than enny man on this futtstool, haz got, tew buy out the little stock I alwuss keep on hand.
THE LADY BUG.
The lady bug iz the most genteel vermin in market.
They are spotted red and blak for color, are about the size ov a double B shot, and don’t look unlike a drop ov red sealing wax.
They hang around gardens in the spring ov the year, and are wuss, and quicker, on kukumber vines, than a distrikt skoolmaster iz on a kittle ov warm pork and beans.
The lady bug iz the pet ov little children, who ketch them in their hands and then sing to them the old nursery rime:
Let them go, and sure enough the lady bug duz put for home in a grate hurry.
The lady bug iz probably useful, but Webster’s unabridged dont tell us for what.
Whenever i cum akros enny bug, that i dont know what they waz built for, i dont blame the bug.
204I hav grate phaith in ennything that kreeps, krawls, or even wiggles, and tho i haint been able tew satisfy miself all about the usefulness ov bed bugs, musketoze, and striped snaix, i hav phaith that Divine Providence did not make them in vain.
Phaith iz knolledge ov the highest order.
THE TREE-TUD.
Did you ever see a tree-tud, mi christian friends? If yu didn’t, cum with me next July, and i will sho yu one.
Morrally konsidered, they are like enny other tud, physikally they aint.
They are about the size ov an old-fashioned 25 cent piece, a hed on one side ov them, and a tail on the other.
They are the only tuds that kan klimb with enny degree of alakrity, and are the only ones that kan sing like a tea-kittle when she is cooking water.
Tree-tuds, when they are on a tree, or on the top rale ov a phence, hav the faculty ov disguising their personal looks, and appearing exactly like the spot where they set.
I have often put mi hand on them in getting over a phence. They wont bight nor jaw back, but they feal az raw and kold az the yelk ov an egg.
The tree-tud livs upon flies and sitch like vittles, but if they dont git enny thing tew eat, they dont strike for higher wages.
A tree-tud will liv all summer on a south wind, with an ockashional drop ov dew to wet hiz song.
They kan outdiet any bug or jumping thing i kno ov.
THE PORKUPINE.
The porkupine iz a kind ov thorny woodchuck.
They are bigger than a rat, and smaller than a calf.
They liv in the ground, and are az prikly all over az a chesnutt burr, or a case ov the hives.
It iz sed that they hav the power ov throwing their prickers like a javelin, but this iz a smart falshood.
An old dog wont tutch a porkupine enny quicker than he 205 would a phire brand, but yung dogs pitch into them like urchins into a sugar hogshed.
The konsequentz ov this iz they git their mouths philled with prickers, which are bearded, and kant bak out.
A porkupine’s quill when it enters goes klean thru and cums out on the other side ov things. This iz a way they hav got.
The porkupine iz not bad vittles, their meat tastes like pork and beans with the beans left out.
They hav a cute way ov stealing apples known only to a phew.
I hav seen them run under an apple tree, and rolling over on the fruit which had fallen from the tree, carry oph on their prickers a dozen ov them.
I hav often told this story to people, but never got enny tew beleave it yet.
Porkupines hav got a destiny tew phill, it may be only a hole in the ground, but they kan phill that az phull az it will hold.
DEVIL’S DARNING NEEDLE.
This floating animal iz a fly about twenty times az big az a hornet, with a pair ov wings on him az mutch out ov proporshun tew hiz boddy az a pair ov oars are to a shell boat.
They hang around mill ponds in hot weather, and when i waz a boy if one ov them cum and sot on the further end ov the log whare i waz a setting i alwus aroze and gave him the whole of the log.
They hav a boddy like a piece ov wire, sharp at the end, and look az tho they mite sting a phello cheerfully, but i beleave there iz no more sting in them than thare iz in kold water.
All children are afrade ov them, and i kno ov one man now who had rather enkounter a wild kat (provided the kat waz up in the top ov a tree and likely to stay thare) than tew intersect a devil’s darning needle.
They derive their name from the shape ov their boddys and their devilish appearance generally. (See Webster’s unabridged on this subjekt.)
206RAMRODS.
The higher up we git, the more we are watched—the rooster on the top ov the church-steeple, is ov more importance, altho’ he is tin, than two roosters in a barn-yard.
If men are honest they will tell yu that their suckcess in life iz more ov a wonder tew them, than it iz to you.
Take all the pride out ov this world, and mankind would be like a bob-tailed pekok, anxious to hide under sumbody’s barn.
I think the heft ov people take az mutch comfort in bragging ov their misfortunes, az they do ov their good luk.
Call a man a thief, and yu license him tew steal.
A sekret ceases tew be a sekret if it iz once confided—it iz like a dollar bill, once broken, it iz never a dollar agin.
All fights, tew produce enny moral advantage, should end in viktory tew one side, or the other. Yu will alwus see dorgs renew a drawn battle, every time they meet.
Thare iz a grate difference between holding a hi offiss, or having a hi offis hold us.
If a man iz full ov himself, don’t tap him, but rather plugg him up, and let him choke tew deth or bust.
Laws are not made out ov justiss, they are made out ov necessity.
The man who kant find enny virtew in the human heart haz probably given us a faithful sinopsiss ov his own.
I don’t think that Fortune haz got enny favourites, she 207 was born blind, and i notis them who win the oftenest, go it blind, too.
It iz a safer thing enny time, to follow a man’s advice, than hiz example.
RAMRODS.
The heart is wife ov the head, and we, (who hav tried it), all kno how purswasiv the wife iz—espeshily when she wants sumthing.
I konsider a weak man more dangerous than a malishus one, malishus men hav sum karacter, but weak ones don’t have enny.
I hav notissed one thing, that the most virtewous and diskreet folks we hav amungst us, are thoze who hav either no pashuns all, or verry tame ones—it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent.
The man who takes a dollar iz a thief, but if he steals a millyun he iz a genius.
Virtew haz no pride in it, nor sin enny humility.
Owls are grave, not on account ov their wisdom, but on account ov their gravity.
He who duz a good thing sekretly, steals a march on heaven.
Hunting after health, iz like hunting after fleas, the more yu hunt them, the more the flea.
Take the sellfishness out ov this world, and thare would be more happeness than we should kno what to do with.
When a man gits so reduced that he kant help ennyboddy 208 else, then we vote him a pension for the rest ov his days, by calling him a “poor devil.”
Thare seems to be affektashun in every thing, even sin has its impostors.
It is a fakt (known to us doktors) that yu kan ketch the little pox ov a man before it brakes out on him eazier than yu kan after it haz broke out. Tis thus with wickedness; the openly so are less dangerous than thoze who hav it under the skin.
When we are more anxus tew pleaze than tew be pleazed, then we are in love in good arnest.
If a man iz happy, he kan afford to be poor and neglekted.
Thare iz nothing we brag ov more than our honesty, and we all ov us kno that our honesty iz az mutch the effekt ov interest az principle.
It don’t show good judgment to be surprized at ennything in this world, for thare is nothing more certain than uncertainty.
Every human physikal lump on the face ov this earth iz susceptible tew flattery; sum yu kan daub it on with a white-wash brush, while others must hav it sprinkled on them, like the dew from flowers.
Every man haz a perfekt right tew hiz opinyun, provided it agrees with ours.
Thare iz no sich thing az being proud before man and humble before God.
Our continual desire for praise ought tew satisfy us ov our mortality, if nothing else will.
Confession iz not the whole ov repentance, but it iz the butt end ov it.
If virtu did not so often manage tew make herself repulsive, vice would not be half so attraktive.
Cunning iz not an evidence ov wisdom, but iz prima facie evidence ov the want of it. If we were wize enuff tew ketch a fox bi argument, we shouldn’t hav to set a trap for him.
Prosperity makes us all honest.
Love iz a child ov the heart; and it iz lucky if the head iz the father ov it.
209A coquette in love iz az silly az a mouse in a wire-trap; he don’t seem tew kno exackly how he got in, nor exackly how he iz going to get out.
Every man thinks hiz nabor happier than he iz, but if he swops places with him he will want tew trade back next morning.
Everyboddy’s friend should be noboddy’s confidant.
Love iz like the meazles; we kant have it bad but onst, and the latter in life we hav it the tuffer it goes with us.
Thare is nothing so easy to larn az experience, and nothing so hard to apply.
Thare ain’t but phew men who kan stick a white hankerchef into the brest pocket ov their overcoat without letting a little ov it stick out—just bi acksident.
LOBSTIR SALLAD.
A slander iz like a hornet, if yu kant kill it dead the fust blo, yu better not strike at it.
Politeness iz a shrewd way folks haz ov flattering themselfs.
I make this distinkshun between charakter and reputashun—reputashun iz what the world thinks ov us, charakter iz what the world knows ov us.
What a ridikilus farce it iz to be continually on the hunt for peace and quiet.
No man ever yet increased hiz reputashun bi contradikting lies.
Anxiety alwus steps on itself.
Silence, like darkness, iz generally safe.
Thare iz only two things that i kno ov that a man wont brag ov, one iz lieing, and tuther iz jealousy.
It takes branes tew make a smart man, but good luck often makes a famous one.
Opinyuns are like other vegetables, worth just what they will fetch.
210I think most men had rather be charged with malice than with making a blunder.
Love cuts up all sorts ov monkey shines, it makes a fool sober, and a wize man frisky.
I don’t beleave in total depravity, every man haz sumthing in him to show that God made him.
I suppoze that one reazon whi the “road to ruin” iz broad, iz tew accomadate the grate amount ov travel in that direkshun.
I think i had rather hear a man brag about himself, than tew hear him brag all the time ov sum one else—for i think i like vanity a leetle better than i do sickofansy.
A humbug iz like a bladder, good for nothing till it iz blowed up, and then ain’t good for nothing after it iz pricked.
A bigg noze iz sed tew be a sighn ov genius—if a man’s genius lays in hiz noze, i should say the sign waz a good one.
Vanity iz seldom malishous.
A woman (like an echo), will hav the last word.
Put an Englishman into the garden of Eden, and he would find fault with the whole blassted consarn—put a Yankee in, and he would see whare he could alter it to advantage—put an Irishman in, and he would want tew boss the thing—put a Dutchman in, and he would proceed at once to plant it.
When a man is squandering hiz estate, even those who are getting it, call him a phool.
Men mourn for what they hav lost—wimmin, for what they hain’t got.
I judge ov a man’s virtew entirely bi his phashions—it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent.
Thare are menny ways to find out how brave and how honest a man may be, but thare aint no way to find out the extent ov hiz vanity.
A lie iz like a cat, it never cums to yu in a straight line.
Natur iz a kind mother. She couldn’t well afford to make us perfekt, and so she made us blind to our failings.
Studdy the heart if yu want to learn human natur; there ain’t no human natur in a man’s head.
Friendship iz simply the gallantry of self interest.
211Beware ov the man with half-shut eyes—he ain’t dreaming.
Experience makes more timid men than it duz wise ones.
Advice iz a drug in the market; the supply alwus exceeds the demand.
One ov the safest and most successful tallents I kno ov iz to be a good listener.
Fools are the whet-stones ov society.
Better make a weak man your enemy than your friend.
Curiosity iz the instinct ov wisdum.
Thoze who becum disgusted, and withdraw from the world, musn’t forgit one thing, that the world will forgit them, a long time before they will forgit the world.
Put man down (for me) az a vain and selfish critter, all hiz talk and ackshuns to the contrary, notwithstanding, nevertheless, to wit, verily, amen.
Wize men laff every good chance they kan git. Laffing is only a weakness in phools.
I giv the world credit for a grate deal more honesty than it can show.
Whenever i find a real handsum woman engaged in the “wimmins’ rights bizzness,” then i am going to take mi hat under mi arm and jine the procession.
Gratitude iz a debt, and like all other debts is paid bekauze we are obliged to, not bekauze we love to.
Praize that ain’t deserved iz no better than slander.
There iz three kinds of phools in this world, the natural ones, the common, every day phool, and the daghm phool.
MOLLASSIS KANDY.
Thare iz a grate deal ov humin natur in a stik of mollassis kandy, I judge this, bekauze mi little grandson iz alwus reddy tew invest hiz only penny in it.
I don’t kno az i want tew bet enny money, and giv odds, on the man, who iz alwus anxious tew pray out loud, every chance he kan git.
212Praze and abuse, are both good in their place, but if I kan’t hav but one, give me the abuse.
MOLLASSIS KANDY.
Nine men, out ov every 10, that yu meet in New York City, are in a grate hurry, and are either mad, petulant, or sassy, and the reazon iz they are all ov them in pursuit ov munny, and only one out ov 10 gits it.
Next tew the man who iz wuth a millyun, in point ov wealth, iz the man, who don’t kare a kuss for it.
A reputashun for happiness needs az mutch watching az a reputashun for honesty.
When yu strike ile, stop boring, menny a man has bored klean thru, and let all the ile run out at the bottom.
I hav spent a large porshun ov mi life in hopeing, and praying that every boddy mite be suckcessful, and happy, and i intend tew spend a grate deal more time in the same bizzness, but i am satisfied that the philosophy ov the whole thing iz kontained in this passage, “the devil take the hindmost.”
Success don’t konsist in never making blunders, but in never making the same one the seckond time.
He who trusts tew luck for his happiness, will be lucky when he gits it.
While we are poor, the necessarys ov life are the luxurys, after we git ritch, the luxurys are the necessarys.
213Thare is no such thing az gitting tew the top ov the ladder in this world, if we reach the utmost round, then we mourn bekauze the ladder aint longer.
Death iz an arrow, shot into a crowd, the only reazon whi it hit another, iz bekauze it missed us.
When a man duz a good turn, just for the phun ov the thing, he haz got a grate deal more virtew in him, than he iz aware ov.
The man who haz got a mote in hiz eye, kan alwus see a big beam in hiz brothers.
Az a genral thing, we envy in others, not what we aint got, but what we hav got less than others.
The only thing about a man that sin haz not, and kan not pervert, iz hiz conshience.
Dissatisfackshun with everything we cum akrost iz the result ov being dissatisfied with ourselfs.
Just edzakly in proporshun that a man undertakes tew make a reputashun bi hiz personal appearance, just in that proporshun, he iz a dead beat.
Early genius iz like early cabbage, don’t head well.
It iz a grate deal more eazier tew drop down 10 feet on a ladder, than it iz tew highst up 5; i found this out more than 7 years ago.
Menny a man haz lost a good posishun in this world, bi letting go, tew spit on hiz hands.
Go up hill as fast az you pleaze, but go down hill slo.
About all that iz left for an old man in this world, iz an obituary notiss.
Sedate yung men make imbecile old ones.
I think yung coxcombs, end their lives, az old slovens.
The man who iz alwus bragging ov hiz wife in publik, duz it more out of pride of himself, than love for her.
If a man haz got 80 thousand dollars at interest, and owns the house he livs in, it aint mutch trouble to be a philosopher.
The most that experience seems tew do for us, iz tew sho us, what kussid phools every boddy but we, hav made ov themselfs.
214Whiskey, and onions combined, are good for a bad breth.
The hardest man in this world tew cheat, iz the man who iz alwus honest with himself.
I look upon molassis az one ov our greatest blessings, it haz dun so mutch tew sweeten life.
Life ain’t long enuff for enny man tew kno himself.
Virtew don’t konsist in the absence ov the pashuns, but in the control ov them;—a man without enny pashuns iz simply az virtewous az a graven image.
One ov the best temporary reliefs for vanity, that i kno ov, iz a sharp tutch ov the billyus kolick.
Sharpers are like hornets, intimate on a short acquaintance.
Don’t forget one thing yung man, thare iz a thousand people in this world who kan hurt yu, to one that kan help yu.
Thare iz no accomplishment so eazy tew acquire az politeness, and none more profitable.
Thare would be a grate supply ov wit and humor in this world, if we would only giv others the same credit for being witty that we claim for ourselfs.
Thare are a grate menny excuses that are wuss than the offence.
Be humble, and yu are sure tew be thankful,—be thankful, and yu are sure tew be happy.
He who shows us all hiz wickedness, is not a very dangerous man.
Thare iz no better evidence ov a weak mind, than tew be alwus in a hurry.
Pride, and avarice, iz a most whimsikal mixtur.
A man whom yu kan trust with a sekret, yu kan trust with ennything.
Common sense is the favorite daughter of Reason, and altho thare are menny other wimmin more attraktive for a time, thare iz nothing but death kan rob common sense ov her buty.
Opinions should be formed with grate caushun, and changed with grater.
215The only thing that a human being is positively certain ov, iz death.
Silence iz one ov the hardest arguments to refute.
PUDDIN AND MILK.
Love iz sed tew be blind, but I kno lots ov phellows in love who kan see twice az much in their galls az i kan.
The miser iz a riddle. What he possesses he haint got, and what he leaves behind him he never had.
Good phisick iz like a fiddle, it furnishes the tune, while natur cuts the pigeon wing and cures the patient.
Caution, tho very often wasted, iz a good risk to take.
Pity iz about the meanest wash that one man kan offer another, i had rather hav a 10 dollar greenback that had been torn in two twice and pasted together, than tew have all the pity thare iz on the upper side ov the earth—pity iz nothing more than a quiet satisfackshun that i am a great deal better oph than yu am, and that I intend to keep so.
Fortune iz like a coquette, if you dont run after her she will run after you.
Did you ever hear a very ritch man sing?
If i was a going to paint a pikter of Faith, Affection and Honesty, i would paint mi dog looking up in mi face and waggin his tail.
The devil iz a mean kuss; he never keeps hiz own promises, but alwus makes us keep ours.
Truth iz az artless az a child, and as purswasive.
There iz nothing in this life that men pay so hi a price for az they do for repentance.
Laws are made, customs grow—laws hav tew be executed, customs execute themselves—laws begin where customs end.
Men who hav a good deal tew say, use the fewest words.
Punning iz nothing more than mimickry, the best punster now living iz a monkey; he makes a pun on a louse forty times a day bi skratching hiz head.
216The road tew wealth iz a highway, but the road tew knowledge iz a byeway.
Shame iz the dieing embers of virtew.
I don’t know ov a better kure for sorrow than tew pity sum boddy else.
Experience iz a grindstun, and it iz lucky for us if we kan git brightened by it, not ground.
We shouldn’t forgit one thing, that thare iz not a single fee simple on this futstool; even the best tooth in our hed may fall tew aking before sunset and hav tew be jerked out.
Ignorance iz the wet nuss of prejudice.
Anticipation iz constantly nibbling expekted pleazure untill it consumes it, jiss so the skool boy, who visits his basket during the forenoon too often, has allreddy diskounted hiz dinner.
I never knu a man trubbled with melankolly, who had plenty to dew, and did it.
Good breeding, az i understand it, iz giving every man his due, without robbing yourself.
Natur iz jist az honest az a cow.
Talk little, but listen out loud, yung man, iz the way tew make the company suspekt you—i mean suspekt yu ov knowing a grate deal more than yu aktually do.
If yu should reduce the wants ov the people ov Nu York citty tew aktual necessitys and plain comforts, yu would hav tew dubble the perlice force tew keep them from committing suicide.
People when they find fault with theirselfs, are generally more anxious tew be consoled than forgiven, and, therefore, when a man begins tew confess hiz sins tew me and sez, “thare ain’t no hope for him,” i tell him he ought tew know awl about it, and i guess iz more than half right.
What the world wants iz good examples, not so mutch advice; advice may be wrong, but examples prove themselves.
Pride iz bogus. Adam at one time had a right tew be proud but he let sin beat him out of hiz birthright.
217A crowing hen and a cackling ruseter are very misfortunate poultry in a family.
Az a ginral thing the man who marrys a woman ov more uppercrust than himself will find the woman more anxious tew preserve the distance between them than tew bring him up tew her grade or go down tew hiz level.
Titles are valuable; they make us acquainted with menny persons who otherwise would be lost amung the rubbish.
Peace iz the soft and holy shadder that virtew casts.
Habits are like the wrinkles on a man’s brow, if yu will smoothe out the one i will smoothe out the other.
It iz a darned sight eazier tew find six men who kan tell exactly how a thing ought tew be did than tew find one who will do it.
Marrying for money iz a meaner way tew git it than counterfiting.
Dispatch iz taking time bi the ears. Hurry iz taking it bi the end ov the tail.
The miser who heaps up gains tew gloat over iz like a hog in a pen fatted for a show.
PLUM PITS.
It iz a grate art to kno how tew listen.
This seems to be about the way it iz did: When we are yung, we run into difikultys, and when we git old, we fall into them.
Love seems tew hav this effekt, it makes a yung man sober, and an old man gay.
Love iz a lighted kandel, and coquets fly around it, just az a miller duz, till by-and-by they dive into it, and then what a burnt coquet and miller we hav.
It ain’t bekauze lovers are so sensitiff that they quarrel so often, it iz bekauze thare iz so mutch phun in making up.
I don’t kno but a Prude may possibly fall in love, but if they ever do, they don’t kno it.
218About the last thing a man duz tew korrekt hiz faults iz tew quit them.
I should jist az soon expekt tew see a monkey fall in love as to see a dandy.
The wimmen ought tew ketch all them phellows who part their hair in the middle, and clap a red flannel pettycoat on them.
The chief end ov woman, now daze, seems tew be to wear new silk clothes, and the chief end ov man seems to be to pay for them.
About all that this far famed Philosophy kan teach us, iz tew suffer pain, and not own it, and it seems to hav reached the hight of its ambishun when it courts sorrow, for the sake ov being a martyr.
Pure ignoranse, after all, iz the best alloy for vanity, for a vain phool iz quite harmless. It iz better that we be grater than our condishun in life, than tew hav our condishun appear too grate for us.
There iz nothing that a man kan do that should cut him off from pitty, the fakt that he iz human should always entitle him to commiserashun.
Prudes hoard their virtews, the same az mizers do their money, more for the sake ov recounting them, than for use.
If yu seek wisdum, mi yung friend, studdy men, and things, if yu desire larning, studdy dikshionarys.
I think opportunitys are made full az often az they happen.
219I hav often had grave doubts, which waz ov the most importance, the bustle ov men or the hurry ov pissmires.
It iz a grate deal eazier tew look upon thoze who are below us with pitty, than tew look upon thoze who are abuv us, without envy.
Good common sense iz az helthy az onions, we often see thoze who are good, simply bekauze they haint got sense enuff tew be bad, and thoze who are bad just bekause they haint got sense enuff tew be good.
The man who don’t kno himself iz a poor judge ov the other phellow.
Envy iz sutch a constant companyun, that if we find no one abuv us to envy, we will envy thoze below us.
Whoever iz a sedate old man at 20, will be apt tew be a frivilous yung one at 60.
Thare iz no servitude in life so oppressive az tew be obliged tew flatter thoze whom we don’t respekt enuff to praze.
Wit, without sense, iz like a razor without a handle.
We mingle in sosiety, not so mutch tew meet others az to eskape ourselfs.
The truly innosent are thoze who not only are guiltless themselfes, but who think others are.
To meet death without betraying enny emoshun iz tew be simply az courageous az a beast.
Persekuted for rhighteousness sake, iz quite common in this world—persekuted for the devil’s sake iz not so common.
Don’t be afrade, yung man, tew make a blunder once in a while most all the blunders are made by the sincere and honest.
I must respekt thoze, I suppose, who never make enny blunders, but I don’t luv them.
I like them kind of folks, who, if they do once in a while weigh out a pound with only 13 ounces in it, are just az apt tew make the next pound weigh 19 ounces.
I luv mi phailings. It iz theze that make me pheel that i have that tutch ov natur in me that makes me brother tew every man living.
The greatest blessing that the great and good God can bestow on enny human being iz humility.
220Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in gin; but the poetry and the gin, both ov them, are kussid poor.
Thare iz sum excuse for a man being a loafer in the country, whare even natur once in a while takes the liberty to loaf a little; but in a big citty, whare all suckcess depends upon aktivity, a loafer iz a failure, except it be to paste advertisements onto.
How natral it iz for a man, when he makes a mistake, to korrekt it by kussing sumboddy else for it.
I never diskuss politiks nor sektarianism; i beleave in letting every man fight hiz rooster hiz own way.
Pride seems tew be quite equally distributed; the man who owns the carriage and the man who drives it seem tew have it just alike.
If we giv up our minds tew little things we never shall be fit for big ones. I knew a man once who could ketch more flies with one swoop ov his hand than enny boddy else could, and he want good at ennything else.
Human happiness konsists in having what yu want, and wanting what yu hav.
Fortune sumtimes shows us the way, but it iz energy that achieves suckcess.
The richest man in the world is the one who dispizes riches the most.
Trusting to luck is only another name for trusting to lazyness.
Fortune never takes enny boddy by the hand, but she often allows them to take her by the hand.
Avarice and lazyness makes the most digusting kind ov a mixtur.
Two thirds ov what is called love iz nothing but jealousy.
Sekrets are like the meazles—they take eazy and spred eazy.
The eazyest thing for our friends to diskover in us, and the hardest thing for us to diskover in ourselfs, iz that we are growing old.
We sumtimes hit a thing right the fust blow, but most always a suckcess iz the result ov menny failures.
221The heart rules the hed, bekauze the pashuns rule the judgement.
Advice iz like kissing—it don’t kost nothing, and iz a pleazant thing to do.
One ov the most diffikult, and at the same time one ov the most necessary, things for us old phellows to know, iz that we aint ov so mutch ackount now az we waz.
CHIPS.
Dont mistake a dounkast eye for modesty, dounkast eyes are often on the lookout sideways.
“It is one thing tew take the chances, and quite another thing tew find them.
“It is not the whole ov our duty tew foller the examples ov good men, but tew leave behind us sum decent tracks for others tew foller.
“Rumor is a spark at fust, then a fire, then a conflagrashun, and then ashes.
“The wust enemy that a man kan hav is flattery, it is wuss than abuse; it is better tew be knocked endways by a foe than tew be blowed up sideways with the quill of a windy friend.
“Death is a cessation ov hosstilitys; a flag ov truce; to the righteous a gain, and tew the wicked no loss.
“If you are looking after happiness don’t take the turnpike, take one ov the byroads, yu will avoid the tollgates, and find it less crowded and dursty.
“Mutch buty iz like the strawberry, soon out ov season, but exquisit while it duz last, and like the strawberry, ain’t perfekt without a good deal ov sugar.
“Rules for long life are like gide boards tew a deserted citty.
“Hipokrasy is one ov the vices that yu kant konvert, ya might az well undertake tew git the wiggle out ov a snake, or the grease out ov fat pork.
222“A witty writer is like a porkupine, hiz quill makes no distinktion between a friend and a foe.
“About one-half the discumfert ov this life iz the result ov gitting tired ov ourselfs.
“Solitude wud be an excellent place tew go to if a man could leave his baggage (or sin) behind him.
“He that marrys a christian woman iz the son-in-law ov Divine Providence.
“Menny a young person haz died old by living a long time after they waz dead, and menny an old person haz died long before their time cum by being dead while they waz a living.
“Precepts are poor stuff tew bring up young ones on, it iz like sending them down cellar without enny kandle tew larn them tew see in the dark.
“Thare iz no sutch thing az acksidents, if one thing happens by acksident awl things may; Heaven haz no beureau ov acksidents.
“We should be kerful how we encourage luxurys, it iz but a step forward from hoe-cake to plum-puddin, but it iz a mile and a half, by the nearest road, when we hav tew go back agin.
“Smiles and tears cum from the same fountain, and az the showers ov heaven are followed by the sunshine, tew gladden the earth, so duz joy follow sadness, tew make the soul cheerful.
“Thare iz just az mutch jelousy, (it iz only less dangerous) among the lowly az among the ritch; the poor devil with a whole loaf under hiz arm, iz the lord of hiz naberhood, and the half loaves look on with envious wonder, while he struts up and down the alley.
“We only love them that we fear. This may be only one of my lies, but it looks so tew me from where i stand now.
“The best condishun in life iz not to be so ritch az tew be envyed, nor so poor az to be damned.
“Iz it charity tew giv tew a thankless cuss in need? certainly; jest az mutch az it would be to save a drouning cow.
“Just praize iz the vernakular ov good deeds.
223“Whare thare iz grate virtue, thare must hav bin grate vices, or else a very poor sile, that raizes nothing but what haz bin planted, and well tended and manured at that.
“Revenge iz jist az natral as milk, yu will see little bits ov boys club the post that they bump their heads aginst.”
KOARSE SHOT.
Whenever yu see a doktor who alwus travels on the jump, yu kan bet he is looking for a job.
KOARSE SHOT.
The bulk ov mankind are mere imitators of very poor originals. It iz a grate deal eazier tew be a philosopher after a man haz had a warm meal than it iz when he don’t kno whare he iz a going tew git one.
Most men lament their condishun in life, but thare are but phew, after all, who are superior to it.
To never dispair may be God like, but it ain’t human. Affektashun looks well in a monkey.
Trieing tew define love iz like trieing tew tell how yu kum tew brake thru the ice, all yu kno about it iz, yu fell in, and got ducked.
The prinsipal importanse ov a mistery iz the mistery itself.
224What makes a ghost so respektable a karakter iz, that noboddy ever saw one.
The pedigree that we receive from our ansestors iz like the money we receive from them, we are not expekted tew liv on the principle, but on the accumulashun, and transmit the principle unimpaired.
A weak man wants az mutch watching az a bad one.
It iz hard work tew define human happiness, the real possessor ov it iz the very one who kant define it.
Wealth iz no guard aginst villany, thare iz az mutch iniquity amung the ritch az amung the poor, ackording tew their numbers.
A wize man never enjoys himself so mutch, nor a phool so little, az when alone.
Avarice iz az hungry az the grave.
Thare iz a grate deal ov virtew in this world that iz like jewellry, more for ornament than use.
I am satisfied that courage in men iz more often the effekt ov konstitushun than ov principle.
About the best thing that experience kan teach us iz tew bear misfortins, and sorrow, with kompozure.
Mans necessitys are phew, but hiz wants are endless.
Thare are menny people who not only beleave that this world revolves on its axis, but they beleave that they are the axis.
Self-made men are most alwus apt tew be a leetle too proud ov the job.
I think thare iz az menny old phools in the world, az thare iz yung ones, and thare iz this difference between them, the yung ones may outgrow their pholly, but the old ones never do.
The ambishun of 9 men out of 10, if it should receive no check, would end in their destrukshun.
A genuine aphorism, iz truth done up in a small package.
A vishus old man iz a terrible sight dispised on earth and hated in heaven.
The avarishus man iz like the grave, he takes all that he kan lay hiz hands on, and gives nothing back.
225Bashfulness iz either the effek ov ignorance or modesty—if it iz ignorance, edukashun changes it into impertinence—if it iz modesty, it will kling tew a man a long az he haz got one single virtew left.
Marrying for buty iz a poor spekulashun, for enny man who sees yure wife, has got just about az mutch stock in her az yu hav.
Hope iz the germ, Faith the blossom, and Charity the fruit.
Thare iz this difference between a weak friend and a bitter enemy—the one puts us oph our guard, and the other puts us on.
Whenever yu kan find a man to whom yu kan tell all yure sekrets, and still retain hiz respekt, yu have found a friend indeed.
When a man abuzes me i will pay no more attenshon tew him than i will to a country cur who barks at me; this will make both the dog and the man ashamed ov themselfs.
Thare iz this mutch kan be sed in favour ov good-breeding, it iz the only thing that kan make a phool endurable.
Thare ain’t mutch phun in phisick, but thare iz a good deal ov phisick in phun.
Men will forgit injurys eazier than kontempt; they had rather be hated than not noticed.
I hav bin watching human intercourse a little lately, and i find it is largely made up ov grunts, groans and growls, varied with huffs, hoots, and howls.
I like a good hater, but i want him able tew giv good reazons for it.
About the emptyest thing i kno ov iz a pocket-book, with nothing in it—it iz rather wuss than a knot-hole.
The man who pitys everyboddy, wants watching, for the chances are that he iz gitting phatt slily on other peoples misfortunes.
It seems tew me that good breeding iz the art ov making everyboddy satisfied with themselfs, and pleased with you.
The man whom forgivness wont humble iz a brute.
226SLIPS OF THE PEN.
The wizest thing about a man iz hiz conscience—edukashun don’t improve it.
If yu want tew find out the ruling pashun ov a hoss, feed him high on oats—it iz jiss so with mankind.
Az a gineral rule, the best way iz tew decide yureself what bizness in life it iz best for yure yung one tew foller, and then stick him at it while he iz limber—men alwus pole vines before they begin tew run mutch.
The only way for me to git out ov a tight spot iz tew git into it fust. Sum folks kan tell exackly how a thing feels by not tuching it, but I kant.
The more babes in a family, the eazier and better they are raized—one chicken alwus makes an old hen more clucking and scratching than a duzen duz.
It takes an uncommon smart man, now-daze, tew make money by telling the truth—it iz aktually an evidense ov genius.
It iz a very small spot in the lightning bug’s tail that shines; it iz the darkness ov the nite that makes it so brilliant—it iz jist so with virtew.
Nussing revenge iz like missing a yung hedgehog—the older he grows, the sharper hiz quills.
The good man iz like an old-fashioned Nu England clock—hiz soul iz the pendulem whose regular moshuns giv life and grace tew hiz hands and face, thus showing the good works that are inside ov him.
Most ov the epitaffs on the tombstuns read like gideboards tew the grate citty, and without them a great menny would take the wrong road.
Most people travel to see and be seen; but few to compare.
Fools are telling us (confidensally) “that time is short,” but the diffikulty lies not in the shortness ov time so mutch az it duz in the length ov the fools.
Children are kut down like the yung wheat, to ripen; old people are gathered like the golden grain, to be ground and bolted.
227The only way tew truli enjoy ennything iz tew be willing tew quit it when the bell rings.
Time iz like a fair wind—if we don’t set our sails, we looze that breeze forever.
We are often ridikuled for telling old truths. The 10 commandments are old enuff tew be wore out with truth; but who follers them?
Take man, from Adam down to April fool 1868, and i would respekfully ask, if he ain’t a ded beat? Iz thare a single pashun ov hiz natur, up to date, that yu kan take the halter ov civil law off from, and turn it out to grass?
Waking up in the morning, to a virtuous man, iz the same thing az being born agin.
“Necessity iz the mother ov invenshun,” and Pattent Wright iz the father.
It dun me good to hear a poor brute whinner in Broadway yesterday. I waz glad that thare waz one stage hoss in New York citty whoze heart wasn’t dead broke.
Death iz the only thing in this life that iz certain; and even that ain’t always a safe investment.
Rumor iz a vagrant without a home, and lives upon what it kan pick up.
The gratest viktory for mankind that hav ever bin won, hav bin won by the rod and the katechism.
The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sumtime lay down in this world together for a fu minnits, but when the lion kums tew git up, the lamb will be missing.
Chastity iz like glassware—too much frost in it makes it more brittle.
Virtew, backed up by courage, iz the perfekshun ov human natur. I don’t reckon mercy nor pity always amung the virtews; they are often only amable weaknesses. Justis iz the square root ov awl the virtews. I wouldn’t hav enny mercy nor pitty hove out for rubbish; neither would i hav a man think, bekauze he melts at the anguish ov the viscious, that it iz virtew that ails him.
Bachelors are alwus a braggin ov their freedom!!—freedom 228 to darn their own stockings, and poultiss their own shins! I had rather be a widdower once in 2 years, reglar, than tew be a grunting, old, hair-dyed bachelor only for 90 days.
The lazyest man that i kan think ov now, waz Israel Dunbar, ov Billingsville. He dried up a new milch cow in milkin her 3 times, and planted an aker of beans, last spring, awl in one hill. He iz 45 years old, and hain’t had the meazles yet; he haz alwus bin too lazy tew ketch them. He had one son, who was jist like him. This boy died when he waz 18 years old, in crossing a korn-field; the punkin-vines took after him and smothered him to death.
GLASS DIMONDS.
If we could see the sekret motives that prompt even the good ackshuns ov men, we should see more tew reprove than admire.
The best specimens ov calm resignashun tew their fate that I hav met with thus far, hav been amung thoze who had an inkum ov 40 thousand dollars a year, less government tax.
Diogenes and Seneca were two az grate philosophers az the world haz ever produced; one lived in a tub, and the other in a palace.
Most ov the happiness in this world konsists in possessing what others kant git.
Take all the phools and the good luk out of this world, and it would bother menny ov us tew git a living.
Thare iz a grate menny ghosts travelling around loose, but no one ever saw one yet.
Honesty iz like money, yu hav got tew work hard tew git it, and then work harder to keep it.
I alwus git my boots made bi the shumaker that other shumakers praze.
Philosophy iz born in the head, and dies in the heart.
I hav noticed one thing, that just about in proporshun that the pashuns are weak, men are seemingly virtewous.
229Here iz just what’s the matter—if yu shut yureself up folks will run after yu, and if yu run after folks they will shut themselfs up.
GLASS DIMONDS.
Thare iz az mutch difference between wit and humor, az thare iz between the ile and the essence of peppermint.
It iz a safe kalkulashun that the more praze a man iz willing to take, the less he deserves.
Thare iz but phew people in this world underrated.
Honesty iz the only aristokrasy that i acknoweledge; an honest man iz alwus a well-bred man and a gentleman.
Politeness iz not only the most powerful, but the cheapest argument I kno ov. The more wrinkles i kan see in a man’s face the better i like it, provided a smile lays in each one ov the gutters.
The philosophers tell us that “natur abhors a vacum.” This ackounts for the sawdust in sum mens heds.
Thare iz now and then a person to whom sosiety owes menny obligashuns, but most people owe all thare iz ov them tew sosiety.
If yu pull the sting out ov a hornet hiz moral power iz gone in a minnit.
We are all ov us willing tew divide our sorrows amung our nabors, but our plezzures we are more stingy with.
Sages and phools are the only two kinds ov people that the world kan afford tew hav liv in solitude.
230If a man waz kompletely virtewous, i doubt whether he would be happy here, he would be so lonesum.
It dont require mutch tallent tew giv good advice, but tew follow it duz.
Altho the mule iz looked upon az a stupid kritter, he makes sum most brilliant hits.
Every man haz a weak side, and sum hav two or three.
He who demands respekt almost allways deserves it.
Ridikule that ain’t true haz no partikular power.
I wouldn’t giv 250 dollars cash, or good dicker, for all the fame thare iz in the world at this partikular junktur.
Mi opinyun ov mankind, az a brilliant suckcess, needs a good deal ov nussing.
No church kan expekt tew be very suckcessful now days, unless it haz got a good orkestra in it.
Hope iz a thoughtless jade—she often cheats us, but she haz no malace.
When i waz yung i thought all money spent waz well invested, but az i get older i cypher different.
God makes opportunitys, but man must hunt for them.
Invenshun and judgement are seldom found together.
Ambishun tew shine in everything iz a sure way tew put a man’s kandell all out.
Man’s make up iz ov natur and custom, and i don’t kno which ov the two iz the most powerfullest.
A grate brag iz either a phool or a coward, and probably he iz both.
Az long az we are lucky we attribit it tew our smartness; our bad luck we giv the gods credit for.
Thare iz one person in this world that every boddy kan tell yu all about, and that iz the next door nabor.
Thare are people who love too well to ever be jealous.
I kno lots ov people who always think at least 3 times before they speak once, and then never say enny thing worth listening to.
It takes a certain amount ov back ground in a man’s karakter tew sho hiz virtews to good advantage.
231It iz better tew overshute the mark than tew fall short; this shows that the fault ain’t in the amunishun.
Thare iz plenty ov individuals who, if they kan go up like a baloon, are willing tew cum down like a chunk.
JEWS HARPS.
A gentleman iz a gentleman the world over,—loafers differ.
Benevolence iz the cream that rizes on the milk ov human kindness.
Courage without discretion, iz a ram with horns on both ends, he will hav more fites on hand than he kan well attend to.
Hunting after happiness, iz like hunting after a lost sheep in the wilderness, when yu find it, the chances are, that it iz a skeleton.
A dog iz the only animal kritter, who luvs yu more than he luvs himself.
Thare iz no more real satisfackshun, in laying up in yure buzzum an injury than thare iz in stuffing a dead hornet, who haz stung you, and keeping him tew look at.
Old friends, are like old cheeze, the strongest.
Lies are like illegitimate children, they are liable tew call a man “Father,” when he least expekts it.
All money that iz well spent, iz a good investment.
If we would all ov us take kare ov our own souls, and let our nabors alone, thare would be less time lost, and more souls saved.
Before i would preach the gospel az some ministers are obliged to, for 450 dollars a year, i would git a living az Nebudkenezzer did, and let the congregashun go tew grass to.
Contentment is the vittles, and drink ov the soul.
Did yu ever hear a son bragging about hiz father, whoze father could with justiss, brag about hiz son?
The safest kind ov faith i kno ov, iz humility.
232The man who never makes enny mistakes, like the angle worm, never gits far away from hiz hole.
A brilliant blunder in a writer, iz often one ov hiz best hits.
Tyranny iz often changed, but never destroyed.
Sucking a whipt sillybub, thru a rhy straw, iz a good deal like trieing tew liv on buty.
I never knu a profound phool yet, who did not affekt gravity, nor a truly wize man, whoze face was not alwus cocked and primed, for a laugh.
Prudery iz nothing more than coquetry, gone to seed.
New York citty is a fasst place, yu kant even pass a phuneral procession, unless yu have got the fassest hoss.
Truth, haz hardly clothing enuff, tew hide its nakedness.
A pompous man, iz like a full blown bladder, it iz pure malice tew prick him.
The money, and morality ov this world, are a good deal alike, the principle never loses sight ov the interest.
Pitty costs nothing,—and aint worth nothing.
What men kant do, they are apt to admire,—they dont criticise a mountain, bekauze they kant make one.
Poverty is one ov them kind ov misfortunes, that we all ov us dread, but none ov us pitty.
Thare iz lots ov people in this world who covet misfortunes, jist for the luxury ov grunting.
It iz comparitively eazy tew repent ov the sins that we hav committed, but tew repent ov thoze which we intend to commit, is asking tew mutch ov enny man, now days.
I thank God for one thing, and that iz, when every buddy else iz happy, i am sure to be.
Most men go thru life, az rivers go tew the sea, bi following the lay ov the ground.
In youth we run into difficultys, in old age, diffikultys runs into us.
“Times ain’t az they used tew be”—this haz bin the sollum, and wize remark ov mankind, ever since Adam waz a boy.
Secrets are cussid poor property at best, if yu cirkulate 233 them, yu loze them, and if yu keep them, yu loze the interest on the investment.
Persecuted for the Devil’s sake, iz what sinners git for their allegiance.
Sum people won’t beleave enny thing they kant prove; the things i can’t prove, are the very things i beleave the most.
Pride never shows itself more disgustingly than in the pomp ov a phuneral.
Happiness iz not idleness, but its spirit iz az free from labor, as the life ov a yearling heifer.
Good examples amung the rulers, are the best laws they kan enakt.
The devil iz probably the best judge ov human natur that ever lived, and he must hav beleaved in the doktrine ov total depravity, or he wouldn’t hav undertook tew tempt the Saviour.
A “gentleman about town,” iz one who pays cash for everything except hiz debts.
Money iz like charity, it kivvers a multitude ov sins.
A pedant iz one who fills himself in a cellar with the klam broth ov literature, and then picks hiz teeth in the society ov the learned.
Thare iz but little, if any, cerimony, between two wize men, but between a wize man and a phool, cerimony iz the only thing that will make a phool feel respektable.
When yu find a man who iz very solisitus about the wellfair ov everyboddy, yu kan safely put him down az one who iz hunting for a misfortune.
TADPOLES.
One ov the hardest men in the world tew collekt a debt ov iz the one who iz alwus willing tew pay, but never reddy.
Trew liberty konsists in making good laws, and then obeying them.
234I suppoze we never shall kno in this life how big a phool a man kan be, bekauze he iz not allowed tew hav all his wants and vanities gratified.
When i diskover that all hatred, avarice, ambishun, vanity, and envy, have left this world, then i am going tew hunt for a Christian.
TADPOLES.
Yung man, larn tew listen!—i don’t mean at a key-hole. Thare iz plenty ov happiness in this life if we only knu it: and one way tew find it iz, when we hav got the old rumatiz tew thank Heaven that it aint the old gout.
Men are blamed for sticking their noze into things; but it iz the only way a dog tracks out hiz game.
The man who kan live in idleness successfully, must either be too pure or too lazy to commit enny sin. Poetri iz a disseaze common tew all the literati: sum hav it quite hard, but most hav it dredful lite.
Inkredulity iz the wisdum ov a phool; it iz only a wize man who kan afford tew be credulous.
Prejudice iz a hous plant which is very apt tew wither if yu take it out doors amungst pholks.
The devil holds poor kards, but he plays them mighty well.
What iz the next wust thing tew lieing? Gitting ketched at it.
235I am so phully aware ov the uncertainty ov the law, that if a man whom i had never seen nor heard ov should su me for a debt ov one hundred dollars, and i couldn’t kompound with him for fifty, i would pay the whole rather than defend the suit.
I hav noticed this diffrence between people—thare is some who are not az big phools as they look.
Most authors in writing neglekt their punktuashuns, espeshily the full stop.
I hav seen pholks so melankolly and so gloomy that they wouldn’t admit thare waz a brite side tew ennything in this world, not even tew a nu haff dollar.
If wit forms the blade, good sense should be the handle and benevolence the skabbard ov the sword.
Experience iz knowledge, and it will stik bi a phellow like the money he gits by hard knoxs.
I never hav seen a bigot yet but what had a small and apparently braneless hed—but i hain’t seen all the bigots, yu know.
Silence iz like darkness, a good place tew hide.
Thare iz no revenge so komplete az forgivness.
He that desires tew be ritch only to be charitable, iz not only a wize man, but a good one.
Grate welth, in our journey thru life, iz only extra baggage, and wants a heap ov watching.
The malice ov the world ain’t haff so dangerous az its flatterys.
If i feel that i am right, all the kurs in the country may snap at mi heels.
Trieing tew satisfy our desires with wealth iz like trieing tew stop up a rat hole with sand—the rats will soon dig out sum whare else.
A piece ov satire, tew be beneficial, should be so rendered that every man who reads, or hears it, shall say to himself, “That iz just, bekauze it hits every boddy but me.”
Skandle iz az ketching az the small pox, and perhaps thare iz but one real preventative, and that iz—tew be vacksinated with deaf and dumbness.
236Really wize men pay but little attenshun to misterys, but one good mistery will furnish a dozen phools with vittles and drink for a year, and fat the whole ov them besides.
We are all ov us too apt tew judge ov a sin by its size. We will pass a 10 cent counterfit shin plaster, when we would shudder at a 10 dollar bill.
Mi friend haz got hiz phailings, and that iz one thing that makes me like him so mutch.
Affeckshun iz a vine full ov tendrils, and if yu don’t phurnish it sumthing better tew climb, it will phurnish itself sumthing wuss; this ackounts for its running after sore eyed lap dogs and sick monkeys.
Poverty iz the step mother ov genius.
Beware ov the man who makes a still noize when he walks, and who purrs when he talks; he iz a kat in disguise.
It iz now 30 years ago since a phellow with green goggles on and a white neck tie, offered tew sell me sumthing for 50 cents, whitch he sed waz worth 5 dollars. I’ve forgot what it waz, but i remember it waz a beat, and az often az once a year ever since, I have tried the same thing over, and got beat every time.
When shame leaves a man, the kandle goes out, and hiz soul gropes its way in the dark, a slave tew mean, and brutal pashuns.
Civilizashun haz made justiss one ov the luxurys, for which we have tew pay the highest price.
Lies are like a bad penny, sure tew return to their owner.
“Time iz money,”—menny people take this saying in its literal sense, and undertake tew pay their debts with it.
Competishun iz a good thing, even amung brutes—two dogs on a farm make both dogs more watchful.
Originality in writing haz alwus been praized, but i hav red sum authors who were too original tew be interesting.
Altho the learned and witty often cater to the ritch, thare never waz one yet, however poor, who would swap estates with them.
If a man iz very bizzy he kant be very sorrowful, nor very viscious.
237If thare iz enny human being that i thoroughly loath, it iz the one who haz nothing tew boast ov but hiz munny—a mere pimp tew hiz welth.
One ov the saddest sights ov all to me, iz an old man, poor and deserted, whom i once knew living in ease and luxury.
I don’t think the world haz ever seen a sparkling, brilliant wit yet, who waz not troubled at times with the—hiccups.
Silence iz one ov the hardest kind ov arguments tew refute.
The fust thing in this life tew be desired, in the phisikal line, iz a happy set ov bowells, after that, virtew, and branes, are in order.
Justiss now daze aint worth what it kosts.
I’ve seen men so fun-proof that yu kouldn’t fire a joke into them with a dubble-barreled gun.
Thare are people who are so mutch matter-of-fakt in everything, that when they eat pork and beans, they want the pork one day and the beans the next.
If i waz called upon tew tell who waz the bravest man that ever lived, i would say it waz him who never told a lie.
The meanest thing that enny man ever followed for a bizzness, iz making money.
Everyboddy luvs tew feel that they are ov sum importanse in this world, even a pauper looks forward tew the day ov his phunerul az the time that he haz got tew be notissed.
PEPPER PODS.
If yu hav got a spirited and noble boy, appeal tew hiz generosity, if yu hav got a heavy and sullen one appeal tew hiz back.
A grate menny ov our people go abroad tew improve their minds, who hadn’t got enny minds when they war at home; knowledge, like charity, shud begin at home, and then spred.
Affickshuns are the compliments that Heaven pays tew the virtewous.
238Noboddy but a phool will spend hiz time trieing tew convince a phool.
Time iz like money, the less we hav ov it teu spare the further we make it go.
The tounge iz really a verry fasst member ov the boddy politick, he duz all the talking, and two-thirds ov the thinking.
Men who invade the province uv wimmin are alwus jeered at, and how kan wimmin, when they invade the province ov men expekt tew eskape the same kind ov treatment.
He who spends hiz younger days in disapashun iz mortgaging himself tew disseaze and poverty, two inexorable creditors, who are certain tew foreclose at last, and take possession ov the premises.
Thare iz menny a person who kan set a mouse-trap tew perfeckshun, but not satisfied with sich small game, undertake tew trap for bears, and git ketched bi the bears. Moral: studdy yure genius, and stick tew mice.
Young man don’t marry abuv or below yure rank, not that i think thare iz evry virtew in rank, but thare iz custom in it, and custom often outranks law and gospel.
Let him go, mi son, sed an ancient father tew hiz boy, who had caught a yung rabbit, and when he gits bigger ketch him agin. The boy did az he waz told, and haz been looking for that rabbit ever since.
The world owes all its energys and refinement tew luxurys—digging roots for brekfast and going naked for clothes, iz the virtewous innocence ov a lazy savage.
Thare iz lots ov folks who eat well, and drink well, and sleep well, and yet are sick all the time—theze are the folks who alwus enjoy poor health.
If a man hits yu, and you hit him back, yu are even, but if yu don’t strike back he iz yure debtor, and alwus owes yu a crack.
A person with a little smattering ov learning, iz a good deal like a hen’s egg that haz been sot on for a short time, and then deserted by the hen, it iz spilte for hatching out ennything.
239“People ov good sense” are thoze whoze opinyuns agree with ours.
Thare iz a grate deal ov magnificent poverty in our big citys, people who eat klam soup out ov a tin basin with a gold spoon.
The place whare poverty, virtew, and love meet and worship together, iz the most sakred spot in this universe.
Experience don’t make a man so bold az it duz so careful.
Pride never forgets itself, never haz a play spell or frolik; it iz stiff from morning till night, from top tew bottom, like a sled stake.
Thare ain’t but very little ginowine good sense in this world enny how, and what little thare iz ain’t in market, it iz held for a dividend.
Thoze who hav made up their minds tew lead a life ov enjoyment will find the following recipee a grate help tew them: “To one ounce ov plezzure add a pound ov repentance.”
Adversity iz a poultess which reduces our vanity and strengthens our virtew—even a boy never feels half so good az when he haz just bin spanked and sot away tew cool.
Pedantry iz the science ov investing what little yu know in one kind ov perfumery, and insisting upon sticking that under every man’s knose whom yu meet.
Lieing iz like trieing tew hide in a fog, if yu move about yure are in danger ov bumping yure hed agin the truth, and az soon az the fog blows oph yu are gone enny how.
Marrying an angel iz the poetry ov marriage, but living with her iz the proze; and this iz all well enuff if the taste ov the poetry hain’t spilte our relish for the proze.
The man who livs on hope must pick the bones ov dissapointment.
The Devil iz sed tew be the father ov lies, if this iz so, he haz got a large family, and a grate menny promising children amung them.
Life iz like a mug ov beer, froth at the top, ail in the middle, and settlings at the bottom.
240We should liv in this life az tho we war walking on glaze ice, liable tew fall at enny moment, and tew be laffed at bi the bystanders.
Men, if they ain’t too lazy, liv sumtimes till they are 80, and destroy the time a good deal az follows: the fust 30 years they spend throwing stones at a mark, the seckond 30 they spend in examining the mark tew see whare the stuns hit, and the remainder iz divided, in cussing the stun-throwing bizzness, and nussing the rumatizz.
This setting down and folding our arms, and waiting for sumthing tew turn up, iz just about az rich a spekulashun az going out into a four hundred acre lot, setting down on a sharp stone, with a pail between our knees, and waiting for a cow tew back up and be milked.
HOOKS & EYES.
Thare are people who dont do ennything but watch their simptoms. I hav seen dogs ackt just az sensible, i hav seen a rat tarrier watch the simptoms ov a knot hole, in a board fence, all day, for sum rat tew cum out, but no rat didn’t cum out.
The man who cant do any hurt in this world cant do any good.
The grate art ov keeping friends iz tew keep them in expectancy.
After we hav got all a mans sekrets out ov him then we either dispise him or pitty him, and to be pittyed iz no better than to be dispised.
Thare are people so addikted tew exagerashun, that they kant tell the truth without lieing.
Thare is no better evidence ov true friendship than tew speak ov a mans vices tew hiz face, and ov his virtews behind hiz back.
I am rather favourably impressed with Gin and Milk, az an 241 extrakt, and think a minister ov the gospel mite contend with sum ov it, on the sli, successfully, but when he cums to reckomend it tew hiz people, i hav mi doubts about it, unless he knows hiz people better than i do.
HOOKS AND EYES.
A man may possibly git the remembrance ov his natiff country out ov hiz mind, but he never kan out ov hiz heart.
I don’t suppoze thare haz ever lived in this world, a man who haz improved the whole ov hiz opportunity and abilitys.
Wimmin quite often possess superior tallents, but their genius lays in their pashuns.
Love haz a most vorashus appetight, but a poor digestion, what it feeds on most alwus distresses it. Prudes, are coquets, gone to seed. It iz our duty tew pray for them who revile and persekute us, but i dont kno az we are obliged tew let them kno it.
Just exackly az a man grows pure, he grows humble.
The less we know the more we suspect. A grate mind haz no room for suspicion.
Extreams meet, the very wisest are often seen to do the most phoolish things.
It iz hard tew quit play while we are winning. It iz just so in morals, men seldum undertake tew git religion az long az they kan git enny thing else.
The man who never told a lie iz a well-bred man i don’t kare if he sprung from a dunghill.
242Thare iz no better evidence ov wisdum than tew beleave what we kant understand.
Trew courage iz as gentle az a pet lamb.
When we are young we change our opinyuns too often. When we are old, too seldum.
Thare aint no people in this world who makes so menny blunders az thoze who don’t beleave “that enny good thing ever came out ov Nazareth.”
We lay all of our bad luk tew sum boddy else, but our successes we giv ourself kredit for.
Hurry and dispatch are often confounded, but they are az unlike az the habits ov the pissmire and the ant.
A dandy in love iz in just about az bad a fix az a stick ov mollassis kandy that haz half melted.
Thoze who luv most to play jokes upon others, luv least tew hav jokes played upon them.
One ov the most diffikult things for an old person tew forgit and at the same time the most necessary, iz that they are no longer young.
Seckond luv iz like a seckond case ov meazles—the pashunt alwus haz it light.
Men in luv alwus akt like phools or lunatiks, ackordin tew the amount ov their branes.
It iz better tew be stubborn than weak.
There iz no more degrading servitude in this life than tew be obliged tew flatter another.
Most men had rather be ritch than wize.
Fear and courage both seem tew be constitutional, for we often see the ignorant the most courageous, and the most wize the most timid.
About the best thing that extreme old age kan do for us iz tew make death a relief.
Phools are alwus a wishing for sumthing.
To be thoroughly pittyed will take the courage out ov enny man.
Envy iz just az natral tew the heart ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy.
243When a doktor looks me square in the face and kant see no money in me, them i am happy.
He who will flatter another, will rob him, if he gits a good chance.
Thare might possibly be sum advantage, in entering a convent, if we could eskape from ourselfs, but go whare we will, we have tew keep company with one, who is able tew do us more hurt, than enny boddy else.
The meanest kind ov a loafer iz he, who iz willing tew be abuzed by every one, for the privilege ov abuzing others.
If it iz really a blessing tew die, it must hav been a curse to be born.
What iz the principal difference between poverty and ritches?—poverty kant be worse, and may be better; ritches kan be better, and may be worse,—the difference iz in favor of poverty.
We kant have a better evidence, ov the perversity ov human natur, than the fakt, that we arrive at wisdom, thru our adversity, instead ov thru our reazon.
A wize man never dispairs, when hope givs out, then cums resignashun.
The best way i kno ov tew repent ov enny thing, iz tew do better next time.
Pashion alwus lowers a grate man, but sumtimes elevates a little one.
Thare iz nothing more bekuming to enny man than humility, yet it iz about the last thing he thinks ov.
Too mutch reading, and too little thinking, haz the same effekt on a man’s mind, that too mutch eating, and too little exercise haz on hiz boddy.
The highest rate ov interest that we pay iz on borrowed trouble—things that are always a going tew happen never do happen.
Face all things!—even advertisy iz polite tew a man’s face.
A learned phool iz one who has read everything, and simply remembered it.
Thare iz no good substitute for wisdum, but silence iz the best that haz been discovered yet.
244Confidence iz a big thing, it makes a hornet respektable, and the want ov it, iz just what makes the pissmire dispised.
If I had a boy whose hair wouldn’t part in the middle, I should bedew that hair with a parent’s tear, and then giv up the boy.
JAW BONES.
Dry goods are worshiped in this world now more than the Lord iz.
Councilling with fear iz the way cowards are made; councilling with hope iz the way heroes are made; councilling with faith iz the way Christians are made.
Pleazure iz like a hornet—generally ends with a sting.
The most dangerous characters in the world are thoze who live in the subburbs ov virtew—they are rotten ice.
Lazyness iz a good deal like money—the more a man haz ov it, the more he seems tew want.
Thare iz no such thing az inheriting virtew; money and titles and fever sores kan be inherited.
The virtews of a convent are like hot-house fruits—tender, but tasteless.
Life iz like a mountain—after climbing up one side and sliding down the other, put up the sled.
When a man proves a literary failure, he generally sets up for a critick, and like the fox in the fable, who had lost hiz brush in a trap, kant see a nice long tail without hankering tew bob it.
The devil owes most ov his success tew the fackt that he iz alwus on hand.
Coquetts often beat up the game, while the Prudes bag it.
Thare iz only one excuse for impudence, and that iz ignoranse.
Modest men, in trieing tew be impudent, alwus git sassy.
Reputashun iz like money—the principal is often lost by putting it out at interest.
245Jealousy is nothing more than vanity, for if we love another more than we do ourselfs we shant be jealous.
Thare iz lots ov folks in this world who, rather than not find enny fault at all, wouldn’t hesitate tew say tew an angle worm, that hiz tail waz altogether too long for the rest ov hiz boddy.
Thare iz menny who are kut out for smart men, but who won’t pay for making up.
Envy iz an insult tew a man’s good sense; for envy iz the pain we feel at the excellencies ov others.
How menny people thare iz whoze souls lay in them, like the pith in a goose quill.
ODS AND ENS.
Natur never makes enny blunders. When she makes a phool she means it.
I hav finally cum tew the konklusion that the majority ov mankind kan be edukated on the back better than in the brain, for good clothes will often make a phool respectable, while edukashun only serves tew show his weak pints.
I never knu a man yet whoze name waz George Washington Lafayette Goodrich, Esq., and who alwus sighned hiz name for the full amount, but what waz a bigger man on paper than he waz by natur.
As a gineral thing an individual who iz neat in hiz person iz neat in hiz morals.
Man iz mi brother, and I konsider that i am nearer related tew him thru hiz vices than i am thru hiz virtews.
Thare iz nothing about which the world makes so few blunders, and the individual so menny, as a man’s acktual importanse among hiz fellow critters.
A man with a very small head iz like a pin without enny, very apt tew git into things beyond hiz depth.
The pashuns ov an old man are often like hiz teeth, they 246 cease to trouble him, simply bekauze the nerve is ded.
The only pedigree worth transmitting iz virtew, and this iz the very thing that kant be transmitted. Affecktashun haz made more phools than the Lord haz.
About the nearest tew absolute insolvency that a man kan git in this world, and think he iz dieing rich, iz to leave nothing but a pedigree tew hiz family.
I don’t pretend tew hav enny less vile pashuns than my nabors, but i do despize the person, most heartily, who caters tew thoze i hav got.
The man who kant find enny thing to do in this world, iz az bad oph az a yearling heffer.
Thare iz no pashun ov the human heart that promises so much and pays so little az revenge.
Thare haint no man yet lived long enuff in this world tew doubt the infalibility ov hiz judgement.
Thare iz this odds between a humorous lekter and a scientiffick one, yu hav got to understand the humorous lektur tew enjoy it, but you kan enjoy the scientiffick one without understanding it.
It iz but a step from zeal tew bigotry, but it iz a step that iz most generally taken.
Don’t lay enny certain plans for the fewter, it iz like planting tuds, and expekting tew raze tudstools.
No man yet who had strength ov mind enuff ever resorted tew cunning. Cunning iz haff brother tew fear, and they are both ov them weakness.
247Natur once in a while makes a phool, but az a general thing phools, like garments, are made tew order.
A man who iz good company for himself is alwus good company for others.
Genuine praize consists in naming a man’s faultz to hiz face, and hiz good qualitys tew hiz back.
One ov the best temporary cures for pride and affektashun that i hav ever seen tried iz sea sickness; a man who wants tew vomit never puts on airs.
A fault concealed iz but little better than one indulged in.
Witty speeches are like throwing stones at a target, the more time spent in taking aim, the less danger thare iz in hitting the mark.
I have alwus noticed one thing, when a person bekums disgusted with this world, and konkludes to withdraw from it, the world very kindly lets the person went.
Woman haz no friendships. She either loves, despises, or hates.
A day in the life ov an old man iz like one ov the last days in the fall ov the year, every hour brings a change in the weather.
I love tew see an old person joyfull, but not kickuptheheels-full.
A coquette in love iz just about az tame az a bottle ov ginger pop that haz stood sum time with the cork pulled out.
Human happiness iz like the Hottentott language, enny boddy kan talk it well enuff, but thare ain’t but phew can understand it.
Gravity iz no more evidence of wisdom than a paper colar iz ov a shirt.
Whatever Providence haz given us the fakulty tew do, he haz given us the power tew do.
Thare iz a grate menny folks in this world who are like little flies; grate bores without meaning or knowing it.
Great iniquitys seem tew baptize themselfs. If the devil had only been guilty of petty larcency he wouldn’t hav bin heard ov agin.
248The hardest thing that enny man kan do iz tew fall down on the ice when it iz wet, and get up and praze the Lord.
All the good injuns die young.
How menny men thare is who argy, just as a bull dus, chained tew a post; they beller and paw, but they kant git away from the post.
I hav herd a grate deal ced about “broken hartes,” and thare may be a fu ov them, but mi experiense is that nex tew the gizzard, the harte is the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter.
I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable sett ov bowels, iz wurth more tu a man, than enny quantity ov brains.
A man with one idee alwus put me in mind ov an old goose a tryin to hatch out a paving stun.
Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov geniuses az thare iz juise in a lemmon: one good squeeze takes it out, and thare iz nothing but seeds and skin left.
As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in playing a poor hand well.
If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov temptashun, tew bring up a boy, i should say—bring him up the back way.
I hav known folks whose calibre was very small, but whose bore was very big.
If a man begins life bi being fust Lutenant in his familee, he never need to look for promoshun.
A pet lam, alwus makes a kross ram.
I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and femail.
249FUST IMPRESHUNS.
Fust impreshuns are sed tew be lasting. Enny man who haz only been stung bi a hornet once will swear to this.
FUST IMPRESHUNS.
The safest way for most folks to do iz to do az the rest do. Thare aint but phew who kan navigate without a kompass.
A wize man iz never konfounded bi what he dont understand, but a phool generally iz.
Yung man, don’t grind yure scythe all on one side!
I don’t know ov a more lamentable sight than an old rake—even repentance looks like a weakness in him.
Politeness iz often wasted, but it iz a good and a cheap mistake tew make. Our very best thoughts often cum tew us sudden, but seldum perfekt. They require polishing up tew make them komplete.
Do a good turn, yung man, whenever yu kan, even if yu hav tew turn a grindstun to do it.
Repentance iz generally konsidered a weakness, but i kno ov nothing more indikative ov strength.
Human knowledge iz not very komprehensiv after all, for i hav seen men who could kalkulate an eklips to a dot, who couldn’t harness a hoss tew save their lives.
I don’t kno ov a more diffikult karacter tew fill, nor a more butiful one when filled, than the command in the Bible—“Be ye az wize az a sarpent, but harmless az a dove.”
250Every boddy in this world wants watching, but none more than ourselves.
Cunning iz very apt tew outwit itself. The man who turned the boat over and got under it tew keep out ov the rain, waz one ov this kind.
A weak constitushun kan be strengthened, but a weak set ov branes kan’t.
Vanity iz a strange pashun—rather than be out ov a job it will brag ov its vices.
All phools are poor listeners.
About all it takes tew make a wize man iz tew giv other people’s opinyuns az mutch weight as we do our own.
Flattery iz like ice-kream—to relish good we want it a little at a time, and often.
The more yu praze a man who don’t deserve it, the more yu abuze him.
Yu kan’t flatter a truly wize man—he knows just how mutch praze iz due him; that he takes, and charges over all the ballance tew the proffit and loss ackount.
Once in a grate while Fortune will acktualy hunt for a man, but generally thoze who are favoured with her smiles hav tew woo them.
Thare seems tew be a degree of excentricity attending all, and yu will notiss this, that while the excentricitys ov a clown are quite often pleasant, the excentricitys ov a grate man are most always disagreeable.
I don’t beleave in fatalism, only so far az phools and raskals are concerned.
It iz very diffikult for me tew tell whi the lion should be so strong and the ant so weak, when one iz nothing but a grate loafer and the other the very pattern ov industry and thrift.
How kan we ever expekt tew find a perfekt person in this world when we kan’t even find one who iz haff az good az he kan be.
Nu beginners in literature are alwus bothered tew find a subjekt tew write on; as they progress they are more troubled tew find what tew write on a subjekt.
251Men are seldum underrated; the merkury in a man finds its true level in the eyes ov the world just az certainly az it duz in the glass ov a thermometer.
I hav no doubt but that the human hart kontains all the pure attributes that the angels possess, but no single human hart kontains even a moity ov them.
Sosiety iz made up ov the good, bad, and indifferent; and what makes so mutch trouble iz, the indifferents are in the majority.
A man who iz neither good nor bad iz like an old musket laid away, without any lock, but a heavy charge in it.
When a man haz dun a charitable thing without letting the world kno it, he haz dun all that an angel kould do in the premises.
Too mutch ov the religion in this world konsists in konfessing our sins to ourselfs and to each other.
I don’t suppoze thare haz ever lived a man without a single virtew. Even Judas Iskariot “went and hanged himself.”
The old saying haz it, “it iz a wize child that knows hiz own father,” but in theze daze ov progreshun it iz a wize father that knows hiz own child.
The vanity ov most men iz so mutch more than a match for their experience that they seldum learn enny thing bi experience.
The pashuns are like the wick ov a lighted kandle—they don’t die out untill they are burnt out.
Thare iz lots ov folks who are in sich a grate hurry tew git religion that they confess sins they aint gilty ov, and overlook thoze that they am.
A man with a hed phull ov branes kan afford tew be kareless once in a while, for even hiz blunders are brilliant.
Experience inkreases our wizdum, but don’t reduse our phollys.
Buty iz power; but the most treacherous one i kno ov.
The man who haz got into the habit ov never making enny blunders, iz altogether too good to liv in this world.
252Wimmin bi natur are all coquets, and men bi natur are all braggarts.
I will say this for man—i don’t kno ov enny enterprize he haz ever undertaken yet which had for its desighn the general interest ov humanity, but what haz succeeded.
If i am charitable, if i am komplasent, if i am grateful, if i am honest, if i am virtewous—what ov it?—i hav simply dun mi duty.
I am satisfied that thare aint no sich thing az eloquent words. Eloquence lays in manner, and i hav even seen an eloquent necktie.
Style iz everything for a sinner, and a leetle ov it won’t hurt even a saint.
Gravity, az a general thing, iz either the wizdum ov a phool or the cunning ov a raskall.
Humility iz a good thing tew hav, provided a man iz sure he haz got the right kind. Thare never iz a time in a kat’s life when she iz so humble az just before she makes up her mind tew pownce onto a chicken, or just after she haz caught and et it.
PLUM PITS.
A man with a few brains iz like a dorg with one flea on him, dredful oneazy.
I have alwus notised when an individual haint got the ability tew criticise judiciously, he dams indiskriminately.
What do yu bet Fame iz? I bet it iz climeing a greased pole tew win a puss ov 10 dollars and spileing a suit ov clothes worth fifteen.
New York iz a fast place. If a man pulls out on a phuneral procession, jist az likely az not the whole procession, led bi the hearse hoss, will strike a 2-40 gait and leave him tew take their dust.
Ambishun iz like hunger—it obeys no law but its appetight.
253There iz no medicine like a good joke; it iz a silver-coated pill that frolicks and phisicks on the run.
Beauty iz a morning dream which the breakfast bell puts an end to.
The man who never makes enny blunders will never rise in the esteem ov the world abuv the reputashun ov a good guide-board.
I dont want enny better proof ov a good hod-carrier than tew hear another hod-carrier say, “He iz a cussid phool and dont understand hiz bizzness.”
WHAT TICKET DO YOU VOTE?
Poverty and ritches are mere imaginative distinkshuns. The man who kan eat hiz bread and be happy iz certainly richer than he who kant eat it unless it iz spred with butter.
“Vote early and vote often,” is the Politishun’s golden rule. Du unto others az yu would be dun by.
What ticket do you vote?
I never knew but one infidel in mi life, and he had no more courage than a haff drowned kitten jist pulled out ov a swill barrel, and waz az afraid tew die az the devil would be if he waz allowed tew visit this earth, for a short seazon to recruit himself.
Debt iz a trap which a man sets and baits himself and then deliberately gits into.
Disseaze and pills, when they enter a man’s boddy, are like two lawyers when they undertake tew settle hiz affairs, they compromise the matter by laying out the patient.
One good way i kno ov to find happiness iz not by boreing 254 a hole to fit the plugg, but by making a plugg to fit the hole.
A lie iz like nitro-glycerine, the best ov judges kant tell when it iz going tew bust and skatter confushun.
A kicking cow never lets drive untill jist az the pail iz full, and seldum misses the mark; it iz jist so with sum men’s blunders.
Az the flint kontains the spark, unknown tew itself, which the steel alone kan wake into life, so adversity often reveals tew us hidden gems which prosperity or negligence would forever hav hid.
About one haff the pitty in this world iz not the result ov sorrow, but satisfackshun that it aint our hoss that haz had hiz leg broke.
Most people when they cum tew yu for advice cum tew hav their own opinyuns strengthened, not correkted.
Men seem tew me, now-a-days, tew be divided into slow Christians and wide awake sinners.
Thare iz lots ov folks who are like a pump, not ov enny use tew themselfs, but simply a handle and suckshun for others.
All happiness iz like gold quartz, thare iz four quartz ov stone to one ounce ov gold.
Hope and Debt are partners in trade—Hope hunts up the customers and Debt skins them.
Hunger iz a slut hound on a fresh track.
Toil swets at the brow, but idleness swets all over.
Dispair iz the ashes ov hope, which the wind ov tribulashun skatters.
A man has got about done going down hill when he gits whar he brags on hiz lazyness; such a kritter is ov no more use tew himself nor others than a frozen-tew-death rooster in a barnyard.
He who spends all hiz substance in charity will undoutedly git his reward here and hereafter; but hiz reward here will be the poor-house.
Give a smart child a pack ov kards and a spellin book, and he will larn tew pla a good game ov hi lo jak long before he kan spell a word ov two sillables.
255A lie iz good for a short race, but it takes truth tew run the heats—“blood will tell.”
Thare iz a huge number ov souls perambulating around the world who hav bin straining for years after a camel and finally had to swallow a nat.
We should awl aim at perfeckshun, but no one but a phool will expekt tew reach it.
Pride livs on itself, it iz like a raccoon in winter, keep fatt bi sucking its claws.
Laffing devils are the most dangerous. If i had a mule that wouldn’t neither kik nor bite, i should watch him dredful spry till i found out whare hiz malice lay.
GNATS.
I dont kno az it iz a very difficult thing tew be a good injun up in heaven, but tew cum down here and be a good injun, iz just whare the tite spot cums in.
Forgiving our enemys haz the same refreshing effekt upon our souls az it duz tew confess our sins.
What a lamentable cuss man iz, he pittys hiz nabors misfortunes, bi calling them judgments from heaven.
Wize men go thru this world az boys go tew bed in the dark, whistling tew shorten the distance.
“The gods help them who help themselfs.” Upon the same principle mankind praze thoze who praze themselfs.
Falling in love iz like falling into mollassiss, sweet but dreadful dobby.
Hunters and gamblers are poor ekonemists, they kill time, a species ov game that kant be reproduced.
Good breeding iz the art ov avoiding familiarity, and at the same time making the company satisfied with you and pleazed with themselfs.
Tew be happy—take things az they cum, and let them go jist az they cum.
256It takes a grate deal of money tew make a man ritch, but it don’t take but little virtew.
It iz the little things ov this life that plague us—
Muskeeters are plenty, elephants skarse.
What an agreeable world this would be tew liv in if we could pump all the pride and selfishness out ov it! It would improve it az much az taking the fire and brimstun out ov the other world.
Don’t mistake plezzure for happiness; it iz entirely a different breed ov dogs. Thare is a grate deal ov exquisitt plezzure in happiness, but thare iz a grate deal ov plezzure that haz no happiness in it.
Thare iz only one thing that i kan think ov now, that i like to see idleness in, and that iz, in mollassiss—i want mi mollassiss slo and eazy.
Experience haz the same effekt on most folks that age haz on a goose, it makes them tuffer.
“Sewing Sosietys,” are generally places whare the wimmin meet to rip and so—up the naberhood.
A lazy man iz one who haz no time to spare; an industrious man iz one who haz more time to spare than he knows what to do with.
It takes a smart man to conceal from others what he don’t kno.
A lazy man alwus works harder than a bizzy one—the hardest work i kno ov, iz to grunt—it iz harder tew set still, and fite flies, than it iz tew git up and escape from them.
KINDLING WOOD.
Young man, when yu hav tew sarch Webster’s Dickshionary tew find words big enuff tew convey yure meaning yu kan make up yure mind that yu don’t mean mutch.
We admire modesty in a woman for the same reason that we admire bravery in a man.
257Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than piety.
About the best thing that experiense kan do for us iz tew learn us how tew enjoy mizery.
It iz a grate art tew kno how tew “gather figs from thistles,” but philosophy teaches it.
The reazon whi so phew people are happy in this world iz bekauze they mistake their boddys for their souls.
We are poor not from what we need, but from what we want; necissitys are not only natral, but cheap.
I had rather hav a drop ov pepmint ile than a quart ov pepmint essence—i had rather drink out ov a spring than tew drink a hundred yards belo, for this reazon, when I read a book it iz one written by an old author whoze thoughts the modern writer haz attempted tew improve bi diluting.
This world iz phull ov heros and heroines, and the reason whi so menny ov them live unnoticed iz bekause they adorn every day life and not an ockashun.
All suckcessful flirts hav sharp eyes, one eye they keep on yu and one on the other phellow.
Vanity iz called a discreditabel pashun, but the good things that men do kan oftner be traced tew their vanity than tew their virtew.
258Man iz a hily eddikated animal.
Don’t never phrovesy, yung man, for if yu phrovesy wrong, noboddy will forgit it, and if yu phrovesy right noboddy will remember it.
Tounge-tied wimmin are very skarse and very valuable.
Excentricitys when they are natral are sum indikashun ov a superior mind; thoze who think different from others are apt tew ackt different.
Vain men should be treated az boys treat bladders, blo them up till they bust.
It iz a grate art tew be superior tew others without letting them kno it.
Thare iz not only phun but thare is virtew in a harty laff; animals kant laff and devils won’t.
Don’t never quarrel with a loafer. Skurrillity iz hiz trade; yu never kan make him ashamed, but he iz sure tew mak yu.
I hav alwus noticed that he iz the best talker whoze thoughts agree with our own.
He who ackquires wealth dishonestly iz too corrupt tew enjoy it.
When beset with misfortins we should do az the sailors do in a gale—run before the wind.
Adversity iz the fire that tempers the iron ov man into steel.
I never had a man cum tew me for advise yet but what i soon diskovered that he thought more ov hiz own opinyun than he did ov mine.
Edukashun that don’t learn a man how tew think iz like knowing the multiplikashun forward but not bakwards.
Suckcess in this life iz like watching for a rat—the rat iz quite az app tew cum out at the other eend ov the hole.
Adversity haz the same effek on a phool that a hornet duz on a mule—it sets them tew kiking bak.
One ov the privileges ov old age seems tew be tew giv advise that noboddy will phollow, and relating experiences that every boddy distrusts.
An ill-natured old man and an old chawed up bull tarrier 259 are just the things tew set side bi side sumwhare in the sun, and fite flies for amuzement!
Vice in the young fills us with horror—in the old, with disgust.
Ambishun iz az natral tew the soul ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy. Thare ain’t a shu blak on the face ov the earth but what beleaves he kan “shine em up” a leetle better than enny one else.
The only thing that we are positively sure ov in this life seems tew be the only thing that we think aint never a going tew happen, and that iz—death.
The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able tew set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it.
The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes enny good hits.
Truth iz the only thing that Time cannot destroy, and Eternity cannot dispense with.
Life iz short, but if yu notis the way most people spend their time, yu would suppoze that life waz everlasting.
The grate advantage ov good breeding iz that it makes the phools endurable.
The snobs are all either half-breeds or dunghills.
Forms and cerimonys are just az mutch necessary in the church az uniforms are in the field; strip an army ov its cockades and brass buttons, and it would bekum a mob.
Ill bred people are alwus the most cerimonius, the kitchen alwus beats the parlor in punktillio.
If yu want tew be good, all yu hav tew do is tew obey God, luv man, and hate the devil.
Politeness iz the cheapest investment I kno ov, it iz like lighting another man’s kandle bi yours.
I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man.
To be a good critic, requires more brains and judgment than most men possess.
260It requires more good judgment to kno when tew talk, than what tew say.
The reason whi comik lektring is so hard tew do, iz bekauze most people go tew hear it out ov kuriosity, and kuriosity iz the hardest kind ov a thing tew suit.
Good books, mi dear, are the best friends yu kan hav, they never will cloy, and never will betray you.
A complasent man makes every boddy pleased with him, and what iz more, pleazed with themselfs.
If we couldn’t neither laff nor kry, what miserable kritters we should be.
When a man gits so low down that he iz willing tew be despized, he has tuched bottom.
After all, great conversashional powers make a man more feared than beloved.
In grate crowds ov persons, like grate floks ov birds, thare iz mutch more noise and chattering than sense.
Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten minnits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes.
PHISH BAWLS.
Sins are the only things that I repent ov, i never could make ennything repenting ov blunders.
I thank the Lord for this, we all ov us hav some good thing tew lay our bad luk to besides ourselfs.
Whisky friends are the most unprofitable ones i kno ov, they are alwus reddy tew drink with yu, but when yu are reddy tew drink with them, then they aint dry.
I look upon a pure joke with the same venerashun that i do upon the 10 commandments.
Yu kant hire a man tew be honest, he will want hiz wages raized every morning.
The most suckcessful men i hav ever known, are those who are konstantly making blunders, but never seem tew kno it.
261I kno plenty ov folks who are so kondem kontrary, that if they should fall into the river, they would insist upon floating up stream.
One ov the most reliable phrophets i kno ov iz an old hen, they dont phrophesy enny egg, untill after the egg haz happened.
Mi opinyun iz, and will kontinue tew be, that the phools hav done about az mutch hurt in this world az the malishus hav.
Temper should be curbed, not broken.
I dont kno ov enny thing in this world, that iz worth more, than money that iz honestly got, and virteuously spent.
The truly great are alwus the eazyest tew approach.
Fun, deviltry, and death, lurk in the wine-cup.
I wouldn’t undertake tew korrekt a mans sektarian views enny quicker than i would tell him which road tew take at a 4 corners, when i didn’t know miself which waz the right one.
I haven’t mutch doubt that man sprung from the monkey, but what bothers me, iz, whare the cussid monkey sprung from.
After a man haz got a good opinyun ov himself, the next best thing iz tew hav the good opinyun ov others.
Most enny boddy thinks they kan be a good phool, and they kan, but tew play the phool good iz not so handy.
It may be a leetle vexashus, but i don’t konsider it enny disgrace tew be bit bi a dog.
Abuse generally iz helthy, but sumtimes it cums from so low a source that it don’t do a man enny good.
It takes more time and tallents tew be a suckcessful hypokrit than it duz tew be a christian.
Thare are but phew things that we suffer more misery from than we do from cowardice.
The cluss intimacys ov old age seem tew konsist in kompareing gouts and rumatiss.
Mankind in general seem tew take about az mutch pride in bragging ov their faults az ov their virtews.
About the best that enny ov us kan do iz tew konceal our phailings.
Persons ov the koldest naturs when they do love, love the 262 fiercest—so green wood when it gits tew burning makes the hottest fire.
Suckcess iz az hard tew define az falling oph from a log, a man kant alwuss tell exackly how he did it.
Thare iz one pashun (and it iz the meanest one) that no man who haz ever lived, haz been free from, and that iz envy.
Indolence iz one ov the strongest pashuns, becauze it iz one ov the most natral ones.
Integrity in youth iz allmost certain tew bekum wisdum, and honor in old age.
Thare iz no person worth being jealous ov who iz willing tew be the kause ov it.
Wise men hav but phew konfidants, and cunning ones, none.
Heaven iz ever kind tew us, she puts our humps on our backs, so that we kant see them.
The genuine christians are the laffing ones, the man who haz tew watch hiz morality all the time for fear it will kik up its heels iz phull ov the devil’s oats.
Hunting for a honest man iz just about as mutch like work az trieing tew trace out a kat’s pedigree.
Most ov the excentricitys we meet with amung men iz mere affektashun.
Pashunce iz a good thing for a man tew hav, provided he don’t hav too mutch ov it; thare iz a point at which pashunce begins tew be ignorance.
Take the mistery out ov things and they lose two-thirds of their attrackshun.
When a man iz thoroughly lazy, he iz good for nothing only tew shoot at.
Thare would be but mighty phew sekrets in this world if folks would tend tew their own bizness.
The man who wears out iz like a nimble sixpence—he iz alwus worth the face, and keeps bright to the last.
Yu may make a mistake in a man’s kapacity, but yu kant in hiz vanity.
Natur never haff-finishes a job, nor underlets a kontrakt.
Take all the dangers out ov this world and it would be a coward’s paradise.
263Thare ain’t ennything that will kompletely kure lazyness, but i hav known a seckond wife tew hurry it sum.
A good naturd man haz got one ov them kind ov souls that will gro ennything that iz planted in it, good, bad, or indiffirent.
Human happiness iz sutch an eazy, simple thing that thoze who hav the most ov it kno it the least.
Thare are men in this world whom flattery makes stronger, bekauze it makes them more kareful; but sutch men are skarse.
Yu kant larn a piggin tew fli slo, nor a snail tew trot fast.
The only safe way for most people tew git along in this world iz tew watch others, and do jist az they do.
Human happiness iz like Joseph’s coat—a thing of menny colors.
I kant tell which iz the wuss off, the man who iz all hed and no heart, or the one who iz all heart and no hed.
Hope iz no flatterer—she cheats every body alike, but after all, iz the best friend we have got.
Every boddy seems tew dispize a hippokrit—God, man, and the devil.
An idle man iz always a bizzy one—he spends all hiz time hunting for nothing to do.
Thare are but phew people in this world who make more trouble than a bizzy phool.
Knowledge iz power no doubt, but it iz not always virtew—thare are sum people who only edukate their vices.
Every man should kno sumthing ov law—if he knows enuff tew keep out ov it, he iz a pretty good lawyer.
Waiting for a ded mans shoes iz just az mean az stealing the shoes before the man dies.
The best reformers are thoze who are all the time trieing tew reform themselfs, thus presenting tew the world one good example, worth at least a dozen precepts.
Rum, dice, and lust bring all men tew one common level.
About the only difference between the poor and the ritch, is this, the poor suffer misery, while the ritch hav tu enjoy it.
264The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but jist as soon as we git out ov it.
There iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and that iz twins.
Yu ma make a whissel out ov a pig’s tale, but if yu du, you’ll find you’ve spilte a very worthy tale, and got a devilish poor whissel.
STRAY CHILDREN.
I dont think thare iz ennything that a man iz remarkable for, that iz more kultivated, than hiz excentricitys.
STRAY CHILDREN.
Thare iz this diffrence at least, between wit and humor, wit makes yu think, humor makes you laff.
I luv praze, but despise flattery.
I wouldn’t giv a shilling a pound for religion that yu kant take ennywhere out into the world with yu, even tew a hoss race, if yu hav a mind tew, without losing it.
Tew do nothing, and tew be ov no use tew ennyboddy, iz the privilege ov wild beasts.
The best way tew convince a phool he iz wrong, iz tew let him hav hiz own way.
265The very thing that most men think they have got the most ov, they hav got the least ov, and that iz judgement.
A man iz vain just in proportion tew hiz pholly, and wize, just in proportion tew hiz humility.
A vain man, flushed with success, spreads himself like a peakock, in a fair day, but when hiz hour ov trial cums, like a peakock, in a wet day, he folds hiz spread, “and steals silently away.”
When vice leaves an old man, it iz no ways certain that virtew takes the place ov it, for sin sumtimes quits us bekause it haz nothing to feed on.
Alwus foller yure own advise, and let other folks foller theirs.
People who havn’t got ennything tew say, kan always find the most tew talk about.
Most folks think, if they were tew liv their lives over agin, they would do different, but i hav never heard enny ov them propose to liv better.
It seems very natral for all ov us to think that the world would git along very poorly, if it want for us, and if thare want but one man left on the face ov the earth, he would think just so too.
The luxurys ov life, which are so often reprimandid, are after all the prinsipal promoters ov industry.
Munny ain’t akumulated so mutch tew satisfy wants, as tew kreate them.
It iz a very wize man who is able tew hide his ignorance.
Wisdum iz another name for genius, and both are the gift of God.
A man kant learn tew be wize, enny more than he kan learn tew be hansum.
One man, of good 40 hoss power common sens, iz worth more in the world than a whole drove of geniuses.
Fools and drunken men alwus make this mistake, the one thinks they are sensible, and the other alwus think they are sober.
Deference iz the best kard i know ov tew play, it iz not 266 only eazier, but a grate deal more profitable to make 10 men think they are abuv you, than tew make one think you are abuv him.
Don’t forgit, yung man, that excesses in youth are a mortgage in favor ov disseaze by and by, which will not fail to forclose and enter on the premises.
I hav made a kluss kalkulashun on it, and i find that there aint more than 3 men, now on earth, nor never haint been, who kan kultivate an excentricity with suckcess.
I hate a crowd, bekauze crowds are made up ov people who aint ov much ackount, only tew help make up a crowd.
Don’t borry nor lend, but if you must do one, lend.
Giv me an inkum ov 10 thousand, 500 a year, and i will agree tew be a philosopher the rest ov mi days.
He whom prosperity humbles, and adversity strengthens, is the true hero.
Faith beats both wisdum and learning.
Envy and jealousy are two pashunz, which no man haz ever yet been free from, and yet no man ever admits he iz possessed of them.
Take all the good luk out ov this world, and millionaires and heroes would be dredful skarse.
Genius, like the yung eagle, don’t hav tew make enny trial trips, but when it iz full fledged, pushes boldly out, even towards the sun.
Fortune iz represented az blind, and thoze who receive most ov her favours go it blind.
If thare want no evil in this world, thare wouldn’t be much wisdum, i suppoze.
It iz the little things ov life that makes the burden heavy—to carry a hundred weight at once iz no grate load, but tew hav it put on our backs, a pound at a time, iz.
Men are often praized for their sagassity, but all the fore-sight in the world kant tell a dubble yelked egg untill it iz broken.
Haven’t yu ever seen a little child tri tew pik up four apples with its little hands at once, and spill at least two ov them? 267 Men are konstantly trieing the same game, with the same kind ov suckcess.
One way tew define love iz, that it makes us pheal phunny and akt phoolish.
Love feeds on hopes and fears, and, like the chameleon, takes its color from what it feeds on.
Silence makes but phew blunders, and thoze it kan easily korrekt.
Thare iz hardly enny man so wicked but that he respekts virtew for the protekshun it affords him.
The further advances a man makes in knowledge, the less satisfied he iz with what he knows.
Gallantry may possibly be defined az the politeness ov flattery.
My yung friend, don’t forgit one thing—however cunning yu may be, the eazyest man in all the world for yu tew cheat iz yureself.
Az good a way az i kno ov tew git at enny man’s honesty, iz tew divide what he claims tew hav by four, and then guess at what’s left.
The text which haz been most preached from by the human family iz vanity.
Thare are az menny old phools in this world az yung ones, and the old ones are the sillyest.
The publik judge ov a man by his suckcess.
Avarice eats up everything, even ekonemy.
Hope iz a blind guide, but whare will you find a better one?
I like a wide-awake christian, one whoze virtew has got some kayenne pepper in it.
Indolence may not be a crime, but it iz liable tew be at enny time.
I am satisfied thare is more imaginary trouble in this world than real.
Most ov us, when we repent ov our sins, think it iz a change ov heart, when in fakt, it iz only a fear ov punishment.
I hav sumtimes thought that the man with menny vices, 268 was safer than with one, for the menny vices often wear each other out, while the one wears the man out.
Thare iz a time for all things, thare is a time tew pray, and thare iz a time to say amen, rool up yure sleeves and pitch in.
“Reform! Reform!” this iz too often the watchword ov mere charlatans.
Thare iz but very phew men whoze wisdum lasts them their lives out.
Thare iz hipokrits in vice az well az in virtew; i have seen men affekt the rake and the roue, whoze best holt waz the katekism.
It iz hard work for us tew luv a man who haz no faults nor failings.
He who sues for suckcess don’t git it so often az he who demands it.
Suckcess iz a coquet, and a bashful lover never wins her.
No woman yet waz ever satisfied to be a prude, who could be a suckcessfull coquet.
Flattery iz just like cheeze, or ennything else we deal in, the supply is alwus regulated bi the demand.
If all the vanity should leave this world, haff the virtew would go with it; thare iz no telling how menny ov us are simply proud ov our various virtews.
Blood ain’t nothing, munny and clothes iz what tells.
The things in this world that are the best done show the least sighns ov labour, yet they are the most diffikult to do; the reason ov this iz, bekauze they are so natral.
It iz eazy enuff, perhaps, for us tew tell what we admire, esteem and respekt, in a man, but tew tell what we love ain’t so eazy.
Amung the vast number ov phools in this world thare iz only a phew who are born so.
Accepting praize that iz not our due iz not mutch better than tew be a receiver of stolen goods.
Thoze who have once tasted the joys ov Humility will tell yu that it iz the sweetest cup their Heavenly Father ever held to their lips.
269INK BRATS.
I thank Heaven for one thing, that thare iz not in this wide world a human, or inhuman being, that i would not rather help than hurt. I find this sentiment in mi conscience, or i wouldn’t dare claim it, and i kno mi own conscience better than enny boddy else duz.
Better lend yure dimes tew a stranger than yure affeckshuns. Better lend yure dollars to enny boddy than yure dolors. Silence iz venerable; if thare iz enny thing older than the Creator, it must hav bin silence.
The buty ov gratitude iz that a beggar kan be az grateful az a prince, and the power ov gratitude iz that “I thank you,” makes the beggar equal tew the prince. A good conscience iz the best friend we kan hav, and a bad one the worst, becauze it never deserts us.
Put not oph till to-morrow what can be enjoyed to-day.
Marrid life iz too often like a game ov checkers—the grate struggle iz tew git into the king row.
Fear makes evry thing and evry body masters over us; it iz the wust slavery thare iz.
How common it iz tew see folks laff vividly without meaning enny thing; this i kall heat lightning.
I say, owe no man; owing iz but little better than stealing.
We are governed more by opinyun than we are bi conscience; this iz giving up a noble prerogative, and playing a very poor seckond fiddle.
The man who iz striktly honest, and nothing over, haint got enny thing more tew brag on than a pair ov steelyards haz. Sum ov the meanest cusses i ever knu had got tew be so honest, bi long praktiss, that they could guess at a pound.
If a man haint got grit enuff tu stand the temptashun ov a gin cocktail, how kan he fight a real diffikulty when he gits a chance?
Awl plezzures are lawful that don’t end in making us feel sorry.
The man who kan be proud in the presence ov kings, humble 270 when he communes with himself, sassy tu poverty, and polite tu truth, iz one ov the boys.
Natur duz awl her big and little jobs without making enny furse; the earth goes around the sun, the moon changes, the eklipses, and the pollywog, silently and taillessly, bekums a frog, but man kant even deliver a small-sized 4th ov July orashun without knocking down a mountain or two, and tareing up three or four primeval forests by the bleeding rutes.
Dutys are privileges.
Liberty iz a just mixture ov freedom, restraint and protektion.
Advice iz like kastor-ile, eazy enuff to give, but dredful uneazy tew take.
A good conscience iz a foretaste ov heaven.
Thare iz few, if enny, more suggestive sights tew a philosopher, than tew lean agin the side ov the wall, and peruse a clean, phatt, and well disiplined baby, spread out on the floor, trieing tew smash a hammer awl tew pieces with a looking glass.
Evry man kan boast ov one admirer.
If yu would be successful in corekting the iniquitys ov the people, fire at their vices, not at the people; the trew way to abuze a drunkard iz to brake hiz jug.
Life iz a punktuated paragraff, disseazes are the commas, sickness the semicolons, and death the full stop.
No man iz ritch who wants enny more than what he haz got.
Don’t giv outward appearances awl the credit, the spirit ov a handsum boot iz the little fut that iz in it.
I don’t beleaf in bad luck being sot for a man, like a trap, but i hav known lots ov folks, who if thare waz enny fust rate bad luck lieing around loose, would be sure tew git one foot in it enny how.
The man who wrote, “I would not liv always, I ask not tew sta,” probably never had been urged sufficiently.
Thare iz a kind ov acktive lazyness, it works on its viktims just az the wicked flea duz on the feelings ov an old house dogg, he hopps up quick, but drops down agin sudden, in the same spot.
271The man who controls hiz pashuns sits at the helm ov hiz ship.
It iz very diffikult tew kalkulate upon suckcess, unless a man sets up for a phool—in this department, i hav known hundreds to succeed, contrary tew their expektashuns.
I don’t want enny better evidence that a man iz a phool than tew see him cultivate excentricitys.
The man who kan conceal hiz real karakter when he iz drunk, or in a pashion, haz got a giant karakter.
I have found out that happiness konsists in working bizzy 12 hours, sleeping 8 hours, and playing checkures 4 hours, out ov every 24.
Mankind loves misterys—a hole in the ground, excites more wonder than a star in the heavans.
“Experience iz a good schoolmaster,” but reason iz a better one.
A Pedant iz a lernt phool—pedantry iz a little knowledge on parade—pedantry iz hypocrasy, without enny malice in it.
All the good men in this world hav got the same kind ov religion, it iz only the ded-beats frauds, and hypokrits, whoze religion differs.
Pride iz a looking-glass, into which men look, and seeing themselfs, they strut, and stick up their noze at other folks.
How on arth kan we trust man kind, or woman kind, when thare aint one out ov ten ov them, dare trust themselfs.
Thare iz 2 kinds ov Faith, faith ov the brains, this iz nothing more than shrewdness—and faith ov the heart, this iz humility, haff sister to virtew.
Yu will notis one thing, all good talkers are good listeners.
Adversity iz a goddess with frozen smiles.
If I had the privilege ov making the Eleventh Commandment, it would be this—owe no man.
Young ones and dogs?—thoze who are the least able to support them, generally hav the most ov them.
Sum folks, az they gro older, gro wizer; but most folks simply gro stubbornner.
People travel to learn; most ov them (before they start) should learn to travel.
272I don’t beleave in fighting; i am solemly aginst it; but if a man gits teu fighting, i am also solemly aginst hiz gitting licked. After a fight iz once opened, all the virtew thare iz in it iz tew lick the other party.
Slander iz like the tin kittle tied to a dorg’s tale—a very good kind ov kittle so long az it ain’t our dorg’s tale.
LIGHTNING BUGS.
Plezzures make folks acquainted with each other, but it takes trials, and grief, tew make them know each other.
LIGHTNING BUGS.
It iz a curious fakt, that the meanest pashuns ov our heart are the strongest when we hav grown old, and the best ones, the weakest.
Truth dont require the aid ov elegant, and high stepping words, tew express its force, or buty, it iz like water, tastes better out ov a woodden bucket, than it duz out ov a golden goblet.
Them folks who are sudden, aint apt tew be solid; lively streams are alwus shallo.
Az we gro older, what we gain in experience, we looze in zest, thare iz a real relish in occasionly being phooled.
273About the meanest critter thare iz now travelling around loose, on the breast ov the earth, iz a bashful hypokrite.
Solitude iz the idleness ov natur.
Thare iz az much flop in sum ov our pollyticians, az thare iz in a bukwheat slapjak, on a hot griddle.
Amuzements are one ov the wize things ov life, and we should try not to appear in them, more redikilus, than happy.
A home that iz filled with contenshun, iz the Devils levee.
Cheerful old girls, are the bridesmaids ov sosiety.
No man who only luves himself, kan ever taste ov peace.
A man who haint got enny pride, iz like a dog, who haint got enny strength to hiz tail.
Vanity iz the superstition ov pride.
Pure religion iz like good old hyson tea, it cheers, but don’t intoxikate.
I often meet in mi travels bigoted christians, who seem tew think, they are the guardian angels ov all the virtew in the world, such men would hav us think, they are bills ov exchange, on the kingdom ov heaven, when in reality, they are only bogus postal currency, which passes amung men, by general consent, provided it iz decently well executed.
I prefer an open, and brass-mounted villain tew a soft, tumid, panting hypokrit, who iz az unsafe az a sleeping snake.
“Beware ov the dog!” also ov the whispering man, and the loud-talking woman.
Piety, like beans, duz the best on a poor sile.
A good wife iz a sweet smile from heaven.
Angels handle the dice when doublets are thrown in the cradle.
If I waz going tew pick up some snake, i certainly should take holt of the further end ov him, this iz the way i handle all ov my subjekts, i find them less guarded thare.
A man don’t alwus grow wize az he grows old, but alwus grows old az he grows wize.
The biggest phool in this world haint bin born yet; thare iz plenty ov time yet.
274A petted child iz like a bile that won’t cum tew a hed.
Publik honours, in this country, are quite often like the pcock’s tail, fust rate for a spread, but after they are shut up, the glory goes with the tail.
I had rather be a pot-bellied seed cowcumber, flung carelessly on a wood pile to ripen, than tew be an old bachelor.
Cannon balls—are the bulbous plants ov Liberty.
Thare iz no grater fun for me than tew prick a bladder—windy folks will please make a note ov this.
Contentment iz mere instinkt, reazon teaches us that thare ain’t no sich thing, nor hadn’t ought tew be enny sich thing, in this world.
About az good a way tew learn people az enny tew respekt yu, iz tew run over them; if yu let them run over yu they certainly won’t.
I hope i shall never hav so mutch reputashun that i shan’t feel obliged to be alwus civil.
Thare seems tew be this difference between an old widdower and an old bachelor; the widdower livs upon faith, and the bachelor on hope, and this ackounts for the widdower alwus beating the bachelor in a ring fight, for the hand ov beauty.
Marrying tew suit other folks iz the prudery ov politeness; i should az soon think ov begging pardon ov a thorn, for running aginst it.
An Englishman correkts hiz mistakes before he makes them; a Yankee afterwards.
Fashions are made for sum folks, and sum folks are made for fashion.
Thoze people who hav a grate deal ov perfekt propriety, i notiss, don’t hav mutch ov enny thing else.
Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately.
I hav got a dredful poor opinyun ov all religious creeds; a man who depends upon a creed tew keep him pious, iz no better than he whom the penalty for stealing keeps out ov jail.
275PARBOILS.
It is a good sign when praize makes a man behave better. Proverbs, are like arrows, they fly not only fast but straight.
Our wants, after awl, make most ov our happiness, when we hav got awl we want, then cums fear lest we loze what we hav got, and thus possession, fails tew be happiness.
Dangers are sum like a kold bath, very dangerous while you stand stripped on the bank, but often not only harmless, but invigorating, if you pitch into them.
Cunning iz the dishonesty, and therefore the weakness ov wisdum.
Wise men are like a watch, they hav open countenances enuff, but dont show their works in their face.
Love is a natral pashion ov the heart, while friendship iz a necessary one, and awl hearts, however mutch they love, reserve a sly corner for what they call friendship.
About the best that kan be sed ov grate wealth iz, that it iz the means ov grace.
When i see a poor, and proud aristokrat, purtiklar about punktillio, he alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man, trieing tew walk a crack.
Take awl the prophecys that hav cum tew pass, and awl that hav caught on the center, and failed tew cum tew time, and make them up into an average, and yer will find, that buying stock, on the Codfish Bank ov Nufoundland, at 50 per cent, for a rise, iz, in comparison, a good spekulatiff bizziness.
It iz awl important that fashion should be perfumed with az mutch morality az possible, for it controls more people than law or piety duz.
7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days.
Thare iz az mutch difference in takt, az thare is in the strength ov gunpowder; sum kinds ov takt, lokate their bullets, not only right between the eyes, but deep in the 276 meat, while other kinds hit everything but the center; and glance oph at that.
Genius iz like a hop vine, it will run, and spread enny how, and hav a whole lot ov haff wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be poled, and cut back, and suckered.
Precept, iz a buck saw, experience the elbow grease, that runs the cussed thing.
Thare iz this difference between talent, and genius, one iz a blood houn, that follows only by scent, the other a grey houn, that runs only by sight.
Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than praize, it iz like filling them up with gunpowder, and putting a slow match tew them.
“Do unto others az yu would hav them do unto yu.” Praize in others what yu would like to hav praized in yu, iz the very sublimity ov blowing yure own trumpet.
If we would be happy in this world and in the world to cum, we should live az tho this day waz our last here, and tommorow our first in eternity.
Ceremony iz the necessity ov phools; good breeding iz the luxury ov the wise.
Tew be agreeable iz simply tew be easily pleazed—if this is so, how easy and pleasant it is tew be agreeable.
He whom the good praize and wicked hate ought tew be satisfied with hiz reputashun.
It has been ascertained, by a learned professor, in Yale College, that the wicked work 50 per cent harder, tew git to hell, than the righteous do, to reach Heaven—what a waste of time and muscle!
Thare is menny who wont know enny thing but what they kan prove—this akounts for the little they know. Most people hev found out sumhow, that they “kant serve God and mamon too,” and so they serve mamon.
Excentricitys, most ov them, are mere vanity, banish the excentrik man into a wilderness, and he soon bekums az natral a tudstool. A pure heart iz like a looking glass, it keeps no sekrets, and dispenses no flattery.
277A cheerful old man, or old woman, iz like the sunny side ov a wood-shed, in the last ov winter.
Avarice iz like a grave yard, it takes all that it kan git, and givs nothing back. Paint a humming bird, sucking honey from a flower, and yu hav got a verry good piktur ov love, trieing teu liv upon buty.
The best investment I kno ov, iz charity, yu git yure principle back immediately, and draw a dividend every time you think ov it.
Everything on this earth iz bought and sold, except air and water, and they would be if a kind Creator had not made the supply too grate for the demand.
A good book iz like a good law.
Politeness looks well to me in every man, except an undertaker.
“Familiarity breeds kontempt.” This only applies tew men, not tew hot bukwheat slapkakes, well buttered and sugared.
A man’s reputashun iz something like hiz coat, thare iz certain kemikals that will take the stains and greaze spots out ov it, but it alwus haz a second-handed kind ov a look, and generally smells strong ov the kemikals.
We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy—i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying.
Politeness iz the science ov gitting down on your knees before folks without getting your pantaloons dirty.
The mizer and glutton, two facetious buzzards—one hides hiz store and the other stores hiz hide.
Credit iz like chastity; they both ov them kan stand temptashun better than they kan suspicion.
NEST EGGS.
It iz hard work when we see a man ketching fish out ov a hole, tew keep from baiting our hook, and throwing in thare too.
278Good natur iz the daily bread ov life.
The wealth ov a person should be estimated, not bi the amount he haz, but bi the use he makes ov it.
Phools, like phishes, alwus run in skools.
What chastity iz tew a woman, credit iz tew a man.
NEST EGGS.
It iz a wize man that watches himself, and a phoolish one that watches hiz nabors.
Vanity iz often mistaken for wit, but it iz no more like it than gravity iz like wisdum.
Thare iz this difference between a cunning man and a wize one—the cunning one looks thru a mikriskope, the wize one thru a teleskope. Vanity iz the chief ingredient in every human harte.
Yer will find it az kommon amung slaves and paupers az amung kings and princes.
Bizzy boddys are like pissmires, alwus in a grate hurry about nothing.
One grate reazon whi every boddy likes the falls ov Niagara so mutch iz, bekauze no one kan make one like it.
Thare iz sum hope ov a man who iz wicked, but not weak.
Debt iz like enny other kind ov a trap, eazy enuff tew git into, but hard enuff tew git out ov.
Thare iz no kind ov flattery so powerful, so subtle, and at the same time so agreeable az deference.
279Bare necessitys will support life no doubt, so will the works support a watch, but they both want greasing once in a while, jist a leetle.
Philosophy iz a very good kind ov a teacher, and yu may be able tew liv by it, but yu kant liv on it—hash will tell.
Lazyness weighs eighteen ounces to the pound.
The history ov life iz tew hope and be disapointed, the viktory iz to “never say die.”
The way tew Fame iz like klimbing a greast pole; thare aint but phew kan do it, and even then it don’t pay.
It iz dredful eazy tew mistake what we think for what we know; this iz the way that most ov the lies git born that are traveling around loose.
Ambishun iz like a tred wheel; it knows no limits; yu no sooner git tew the end ov it than you begin agin.
We are never in more danger ov being laft at than when we are laffing at others.
Free living leads tew free thinking, free thinking leads tew free loveing, and free loveing leads to the devil.
It iz az hard work tew make a weak man upright az it iz an empty bag.
Good breeding seems tew be the art ov being superior tew most people, and equal tew all, without letting them kno it.
Children are like vines; they will klimb the pole yu set up for them, be it krooked or strate.
Happiness iz not only the choicest posseshun, but tha cheapest; it kosts nothing, if you only think so.
Idleness, like industry, iz ketching.
The devil iz the father ov lies, but he failed tew git out a pattent for hiz invenshun, and hiz bizzness iz now suffering from competishun.
Maxims tew be good should be az sharp az vinegar, az short az pi krust, and az trew az a pair ov steelyards.
A nickname will outlast all a man’s deeds, be they good, bad, or indifferent.
Phun iz the best phisick i kno ov; it iz both cheap and durable.
280Conshience iz our private sekretary.
The three gratest luxurys ov life are, a klear conshience, a good appetight, and sound slumber.
Pashion iz like fire, a good servant, but a bad master.
The gay are alwus looking ahead, and the sad are always looking back; it iz a grate pitty they don’t change works with each other.
A pedant iz a very learned individual, who mistakes a pop-gun for a pistill.
Perseveranse will conker enny thing but muskeeters; the only way tew conker them iz tew bak out.
A bigot iz a kind ov human ram, with a good deal ov wool over hiz eyes, but no horns.
It dont require but a phew branes tew make up an atheist, for the less a man knows the less he generally beleaves.
The man who tries tew please everyboddy iz az fickle bi natur az a puppy.
Plezzure iz like mollassiss, tew mutch ov it spiles the taste for everything.
The most miserable people i kno ov are thoze who make plezzure a bizzness; it iz like sliding down a hill 25 miles long.
Thare iz no seed so sure tew produce a big yield az wild oats, and the krop iz repentance.
Politeness iz like ginger-pop, there ain’t mutch nourishment in it, but it haz a pleazant pop and a refreshing flavor.
Profane swaring in a man iz like continual crowing in a barn-yard rooster, a plan tew keep their courage or importanse.
CHICKEN FEED.
Thare iz one kritter in this world whoze trubbles yu kant console, and she iz—a setting hen.
Thoze persons who spend all ov their spare time watching their simptoms, are the kind who enjoy poor health.
Whenever a minister haz preached a sermon that pleazes 281 the whole congregashun, he probably haz preached one that the Lord wont endorse.
Evry boddy seems tew be willing to be a phool himself, but he kant bear tew hav ennyboddy else one.
Truth iz the edict ov God.
The philosophers, az a class, are a sett ov old grannys, who possess grate knowledge, part ov which haz bin handed down tew them, and the ballance they guess at.
About the fust and the last thing a human being duz in this world, iz tew shed tears.
Thare iz no grater proff ov the power of love than that the crimes committed in its interests are in a measure hallowed.
I kan tell exackly how mi nabors yung ones ought tew be fetched up, but i aint so clear about mi own.
A loafer iz a person who iz willing tew be abuzed for the privilege ov abusing others.
Thare iz sum folks in this world who spend their whole time hunting after rhighteousness and haint got enny spare time tew praktiss it.
Adversity haz the same effekt on a man that severe training duz on the pugilist—it reduces him tew his fighting waight.
Natur kan be improved upon often with good effekt, but to alter it generally spiles the whole thing.
Affliktions are like the summers sun—they wilt for the purpuss ov ripening.
If yu want to find out a man’s real disposishun, take him when he iz wet and hungry. If he iz aimable then, dry him and fill him up, and you hav got an angel.
The man who haz never bin tempted, dont kno how dishonest he iz.
Thare iz nothing like a sick bed for repentance. A man bekums so virtewous that he will often repent ov sins that he never haz committed.
Three skore year and ten iz the time allotted to man, and it iz enuff. If a man kant suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be knumb.
282It dont take mutch tew prove a truth. It iz only a lie that requires grate argumentatiff ability.
Listen tew every mans opinyuns, disagree with none, but confide in yure own. This iz a kind ov flattery that wrongs no one.
What a man gains in cunning he alwus lozes in wisdum.
He who wont beleave ennything he kant understand, aint so wize az a mule—for they will kick at a thing they dont expekt tew reach.
All ov us are anxious tew liv tew be very old, but not one in ten thousand kan fill the karakter ov an old man.
Money iz like grain—it iz never so well invested az when it iz well sown.
A bigot iz a religious coward trying tew play the autokrat.
Money never made a man disgraceful yet, but men have often made money disgracefull.
How menny people thare iz who only go into society just for the purpose ov telling over their akes and pains, their gripes and grunts! Such people ought tew be sent at once to the pest house.
Health can be bought, but yu hav got tew pay for it with temperance, at the highest rates.
Give me warm friends and bitter enemys about haff and haff. He who haint got an enemy on arth, kant show a friend that will stick to him thru thik and thin.
Every time a man laffs harty, he takes a kink out ov the chain that binds him to life, and thus lengthens it.
Beauty iz the melody ov the features.
I hav alwus bore it in mind that, jist about in rasho that a person or individual iz proud and hauty, they are ignorant.
Beleaving and disbeleaving iz oftner an effort ov the will than ov the understanding.
It iz a lucky thing that epitaffs dont appear on a man’s tumestun untill he haz gone dead. If they were published while he waz living, what an insult most ov them would be tew hiz reputashun.
I think Adam waz the weakest man i ever read ov. He 283 committed the most sin, with the least amount ov temtashun, ov enny person history iz familiar with.
One ov the surest sighns ov an intelligent civilizashun iz tew see amung the masses a bekuming respekt and reverence for the aged.
Before yu undertaik tew change a man’s politiks or religion, be sure yu hav got a better one to offer him.
Altho the world iz chuck full ov liars, thare iz but few men who dont prefer tew listen tew the truth.
No man ever got hiz bread by preaching wisdum. Philosophy iz a good thing tew preach, but a cussed poor thing tew liv on.
Tew be forgiven, weakens us; but tew forgiv others, weakens them.
I hav lived in this world jist long enuff tew look karefully the seckond time into things that i am the most certain ov the fust time.
Great men are seldum intimate. They are too jealous to love or esteem each other.
HARD TACK.
I dont like tew speak disrespekfullness agin ennyboddys near relashuns, but i hav made up mi mind that Eve waz a phool, and that Adam waz a bigger one.
Too mutch religion iz wuss than none at all. Yu kant sho me a kuntry that haz existed yet, whare the people, all ov them, professed one religion and persekuted all other kinds, but what the religion ruined the country. (I paws for a repli.)
It iz a good thing for thoze who hav bin sinful tew turn over a nu leaf, but it often happens that, in doing this, they turn over two leaves at onst, and bekum so suddenly virtewous that they freeze up stiff.
It iz better tew kno nothing than tew kno jist enuff tew doubt and tew differ.
284Charity is like a mule, a good servant but a bad master. When charity gits entire control ov a man’s affairs, it runs the affairs and the man both into the ground.
Selfishness iz the alter which every man sets up in hiz soul and asks hiz conscience to be high priest ov the cerimonys.
Cunning, at best, only duz the dirty work ov wisdum, and tharefore i dispize it.
Hartes and dimonds are the two strong suits for a woman to hold—klubs and spades for man.
HARD TACK.
I kant see what woman wants enny more rights for; she beat the fust man born into the world out ov a ded sure thing, and she kan beat the last one with the same kards.
The man who kan stand abuse kan generally stand prosperity. The only way tew beat the devil iz tew fite him with the Bible in one hand and a sword in the other.
If i could only praktiss az well az i kan preach, i would not thank a man tew warrent me in this world nor in the world tew cum.
The kream ov a joke dont never lay on the top, but alwus at the bottom.
Whenever i see a man anxious tew git into a fite that dont belong tew him, i am alwus anxious tew hav him, for i kno he iz certain tew be the wust whipped man in the party.
About all thare iz in mans natur that iz natral iz hiz sins, and about all thare iz in his natur that iz kultivated iz hiz way ov hiding thoze sins.
285Pashunce iz oftner the result ov numbness than it iz ov principle.
I dont kno how it iz with other pholks, but with me, the fall ov the Roman empire iz a grate deal eazier tew bear than a fall on the ice.
I dont think thare ever waz a human being yet, who haz met deth without expekting in the last extremity tew be saved from it; even our Saviour uttered that wonderful exklamashun, “My God! my God! why hast thou forsaken me?”
I am glad ov one thing, that i am keenly alive tew mental and phisikal suffering—i had az soon be a hydraulik ram az tew be able to sit down and hav a big dubble tooth jerked out without winking.
Thare are but phew men weak enuff tew admit their jealousys—even a disgraced rooster, in a barn-yard, will git a little further off and begin tew crow up a new reputashun.
Thare haz been more men in this world burnt at the stake for serving the Lord than for serving the devil, and thare alwus will be.
I alwus did admire the malice ov the mule—if a freak ov fortune had made me as unfortunate among men az the mule iz amung animals, i would begin tew kick at things a mile and a haff off.
Men no doubt owe mutch ov their suckcess in this world tew chance, but chances dont go for a man, the man must go for the chances.
Econeme iz simply the art ov gitting the wuth ov our money.
Tew work iz the grate law ov natur—if the woodchuck dont dig a hole he wont hav one, it iz trew he may steal one, but then sum other woodchuck will have tew dig two.
Human happiness iz a dredful hard thing tew define. I hav seen a man, perfektly happy without enny shirt tew hiz back, bekum suddenly furious bekauze sumboddy had given him one, the collar ov which wan’t starched stiff enuff.
Thare iz a grate deal ov bad luk lieing around loose in this world, but it iz publick property, it dont belong tew ennyboddy in pertikular.
286Things haz got so now, if a man stops, he iz a-going tew be run over, for thare aint no man ov consequentz enuff tew stop the whole proceshun.
If I waz a-going tew civilize a parcel of heathen on sum distant ile by the job, i should debate sum time in mi mind which tew send, dancing-masters or missionarys.
We speak ov “falling in love,” without always thinking that it iz the only way tew git in love—we all stumble into it, and kan seldum tell how or why.
One ov the very best things a man kan say when he haz reazonable doubts what he ought tew say, iz tew say nothing.
It iz a disgrace tew enny man tew be feared.
Sychophants are alwus the fust ones tew be sakrificed when disasters cum.
In a world like this, whare thare iz at least five false things to one that iz true, guessing iz poor bizzness.
The best kind ov advice tew foller iz that which agrees with our own opinyun.
SOLLUM THOUGHTS.
The fear ov God iz the philosphy ov religion; the love ov God iz the charity of religion.
Hope iz a hen that lays more eggs than she kan hatch out.
Better leave yure child virtew than money; but this iz a sekret known only tew a few.
I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two know what ain’t so.
About the hardest work a phellow kan do iz tew spark two galls at once, and preserve a good average.
Prudery iz one ov virtews bastards.
A nickname will outline enny man or thing; it iz like the crook in a dogg’s taile, you may cut it oph, and throw it behind the barn, but the crook is thare yet, and the stump iz the epitaph.
287If yu analize what most men kall plezzure, yu will find it compozed ov one part humbugg, and two parts pain.
When yu haint got nothing tew do, do it at once; this iz the way to learn to be bizzy.
We hav bin told that the best way to overkum misfortunes iz tew fight with them—I hav tried both ways, and recommend a successful dodge.
The art ov becomeing ov importance in the eyes ov others, iz not tew overrate ourself, but tew cauze them tew do it.
The true way to understand the judgments ov heaven is to submit to them.
Method iz everything, espeshily tew ordinary men; the few men who kan lift a ton, at plessure, hav a divine right tew take holt ov it tew a disadvantage.
The mind ov man iz like a piece ov land that, tew be useful, must be manured with learning, ploughed with energy, sown with virtew, and harvested with ekonemy.
Whare religion iz a trade, morality iz a merchandize.
Conversashun should be enlivened with wit, not compozed ov it.
The less a man knows, the more he will guess at; and guessing iz nothing more than suspicion.
Going tew law, iz like skinning a new milch cow for the hide, and giving the meat tew the lawyers.
Death, tew most ov us, iz a kind ov “farewell benefit,”—“positively our last appearance.”
Phools are quite often like hornets, verry bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.
Living on Hope, iz like living on wind, a good way tew git phull, but a poor way tew git phatt.
Jealousy don’t pay, the best it kan do, iz tew diskover what we don’t want tew find, nor don’t expekt to.
Sekrets are a mortgage on friendships.
I don’t think a bad man iz az dandgerous az a weak one—I don’t think that a bile that haz cum tew a hed, iz az risky as a hidden one, that may cum tew a dozzen heds.
A vivid imaganashun iz like sum glasses, makes things at a 288 distance look twice az big as they am, and cluss to, twice as small az they am.
Hope iz a draft on futurity, sumtimes honored, but generally extended.
If the world dispizes a hypokrit, what must they think ov him in Heaven.
Flattery iz like Colone water, tew be smelt ov, not swallowed.
After all, there don’t seem tew be but this diffrence between the wize men and the phools; the wize men are all fuss and sum feathers, while the phools are all fuss and no feathers.
Without friends and without enemys iz the last reliable ackount we hav ov a stray dog.
Men generally, when they whip a mule, sware; the mule remembers the swareing, but forgits the licking.
Sum folks wonder whare awl the lies cum from, but i don’t, one good liar will pizen a whole country.
Hunting after fame iz like hunting after fleas, hard tew ketch, and sure tew make yu uneazy if yu dew or don’t ketch them.
Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole whare sin got into this world—if two men brake through the ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the hole they cum tew fall in.
Imaginashun, tew mutch indulged in, soon iz tortured into reality; this iz one way that good hoss thiefs are made, a man leans over a fence all day, and imagines the hoss in the lot belongs tew him, and sure enuff, the fust dark night, the hoss does.
If you must chaw terbacker, young man, for Heaven’s sake, chaw old plugg, it iz the nastyest.
INK LINGS.
Truth iz like the burdocks a cow gits into the end ov her tail, the more she shakes them oph, the less she gits rid ov them.
289Thare is 2 kinds ov men in this world, that i don’t kare about meeting when i am in a grate hurry. Men whom i owe, and men who want to owe me.
INK LINGS.
Thare iz always one chance agin the best laid plans ov man, and the Lord holds that chance.
Mi private opinyun about “abscence ov mind” is, that 9 times out ov 10, it iz abscence ov branes.
The flattery that men offer tew themselfs iz the most dangerous, bekause the least suspekted.
Take a kitten that kan hardly walk on land, and chuck him into a mill pond, and he will swim ashore—enny boddy kan apply the moral in this. The best philosophers and moralists i hav ever met, hav been thoze who had plenty to eat, and drink, and had money at interest.
It takes a wize man to suffer prosperity, but most enny phool kan suffer adversity.
Pride, after all, iz one ov our best friends—it makes us beleave we are better and happier than our nabors.
Before yu give enny man advise, find out what kind ov advice will suit him the best.
Knowledge is like money, the more a man gits the more he hankers for.
The vices and phollys ov grate men are never admired nor imitated bi grate men.
290The trew art ov kriticism is tew excuse faults rather than ridikule them.
We hav no more right to laff at a deformed person, than we hav at a crooked tree—both ov them are God’s arkitekture.
How strange it iz that most men had rather be flattered for possessing what they hav not, than to be justly praised for having what they possess.
Suavity ov manners towards men iz like suavity ov molassis toward flies, it not only calls them to you, but sticks them fast after they git thare.
Thare iz a grate deal ov charity in this world so koldly rendered that it fairly hurts, it iz like lifting a drowning man out ov the water bi the hair ov the hed, and then letting him drop on the ground.
Exchanging kompliments iz another name for exchanging lies.
The greatest thief this world haz ever produced iz Procrastination, and he is still at large.
Religion iz nothing more than a chattel mortgage, excepted, and rekorded, az sekurity for a man’s morality, and virtew.
White lies are sed tew be innocent, but i am satisfied that enny man who will lie for phun, after a while will lie for wages.
The most valuable thing in this world iz Time, and yet people waste it as they do water, most of them letting it run full head, and even the most prudent let it drizzle.
The devil himself, with all hiz genius, allways travels under an alias—this shows the power of truth and morality.
If a dog falls in love with you at first sight, it will do to trust him—not so with a man.
One ov the hardest things to do is to be a good listener, thoze who are stone deaf succeed the best.
If you don’t kno how to lie, cheat and steal, turn yure attenshun to pollyticks, and learn how.
Thare are men who seem to be born on purpose to step into 291 every thing, they kant set a common rat trap without gitting ketched in it.
A sekret iz like an aking tooth, it keeps us uneasy until it iz out.
I hav larn’t one thing, bi grate experience, and that iz, I want as much watching az mi nabors do.
The only way to larn sum men how to do enny thing, iz to do it yourself.
I don’t rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing, unless thare waz a man or two around.
A wize man is never so mutch alone, as when he iz in a crowd, and never so mutch in a crowd as when he iz alone.
I am satisfied that thare iz more weakness among men than malice.
Thare iz no man in the world so easy to cheat az ourselfs.
I don’t kno ov ennything that will kill a man so quick az praize that he don’t deserve.
Repentanse should be the effekt ov love—not fear.
The soul haz more disseases than the boddy haz.
Things that we kant do wouldn’t be ov enny use to us, if we could do them.
Amongst animals the most ignorant are the most stubborn, and i wonder if this ain’t so amungst men.
A phool seems tew be a person who haz more will than judgment, and more vanity than either.
The fust intimashun i had that i waz gitting old waz, i found myself telling to mi friends the same storys over again.
In repenting ov sins, men are apt tew repent ov thoze they haint got, and overlook thoze they hav.
A dandy never yet fell in love—only with himself.
Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but vanity always keeps one eye open.
Thoze folks who expekt to fail in an enterprise, most generally do.
A man with only one accomplishment kant expekt to interest us long.
We all git tired pretty soon looking at a goose standing on one leg.
292EMBERS ON THE HARTH.
The moon looks down at night upon the vices of the world and yet remains az chaste az ever.
Caution and curiosity are the privy counsillers ov truth.
I had rather not have a thing than tew be obliged tew wait for it.
We are always a-looking ahed, and that iz the way tew look; if the man at the wheel looks back he will soon beach hiz vessell.
The time tew be karefullest iz when we hav a hand full ov trumps.
I am a poor man, but i hav this consolashun, i am poor by acksident, not desighn.
What an unreal life most folks lead; they don’t ever hav a genuine taste ov sorrow during their existence.
How menny people thare iz whoze importance depends entirely upon the size ov their hotel bills.
Mother!—The holy thoughts and chastened memorys that cluster around this name can never be so well expressed az in the calm utterance ov the name itself.
It iz a good thing tew be hedstrong, but it iz a better thing tew understand that a stun-wall iz a hard thing tew buk agin.
Mankind ain’t apt tew respekt verry mutch what they are familiar with, it iz what we don’t know, or kant see, that we hanker for.
When i see people ov shaller understandings extravagantly clothed, i always feel sorry—for the clothes.
I am just az certain that thare iz sitch a thing az “Spiritual manafestashuns” az i am that there iz plenty ov superstishun and trickery.
Prosperity makes us suspicious ov each other, while adversity makes us trust in each other—the only way that i kan akount for this iz that in prosperity we hav sumthing tew lose, while in adversity we hav everything tew gain.
I konsider it a grate kompliment tew religion that there are only two substitutes for it; one iz hipokrasy, and the other iz superstishun.
293It iz a safe mistake tew make to call a man “Kurnel,” who may in fakt be only a 4th Korporal.
We are never nearer right than we am when we fear we are rong.
Modesty weighs a pound, impudence only 6 ounces, this ackounts for the diffidence ov the one, and the vivacity ov the other.
Envy iz not so bad a pashun when it prompts us tew bild our chimney higher than our nabors, but when it prompts us tew hurt hiz draft it iz an awful mean one.
I thank the Lord for one thing, that he haz made the word no the hardest one in any language tew say.
Old dorgs nuss their grudges, but yung pupps fight and then frolik.
A man may git a big fut, or a pug noze, bi birthright, but nine-tenths ov hiz virtews are the effekt ov associashun or edukashun.
Confess yure sorrows, yure fears, yure hopes, yure love, and even yure deviltrys tew men, but don’t let them git a smell ov yure poverty—poverty haz no friends, not even among paupers.
Larning iz the only good substitute for experience.
I suppoze the reazon whi we all ov us admire the Atlantik Ocean so mutch iz bekauze it don’t belong tew enny boddy in partiklar; for what we kant own, iz about all that we aint jealous ov.
Pedantry iz ignorant knowledge.
Thare iz this difference between modesty and bashfulness, one iz paint under the skin, and the other iz paint on the outside ov it, liable tew wash oph.
Abstinence should be the exception, and temperance the rule.
If a man should happen tew reach perfeckshun in this world, he would hav tew die immediately tew enjoy himself.
One ov the best evidences ov our immortality, iz our desires tew be so.
A man who haint got enny imaginashun at all, iz just right for a hitching post.
294Old age iz covetous, bekauze it haz larnt bi experience, that the best friend a man haz in this world, iz hiz pocket-book.
Love iz the fust pashun ov the heart, ambishun the seckond and avarice the third, and last.
Patience will tire out ennything but musketoes.
Deference iz silent flattery.
The chains ov slavery are none the less gauling for being made ov gold.
The love that a man gains by flattery, is worth just about az mutch az the flattery is.
“Happy as a king,” iz a libel on happiness, and on the king to.
If you will be familiar, you must expekt tew loose the confidence ov phools, and the esteem ov the wize.
Learning iz a good deal like strength, it requires good hoss sense tew know how tew apply it.
Grate men are knot bi enny means the best ov companyuns, they seldum kan ever enjoy themselfs.
Confess yure sins tew the Lord, and yu will be forgiven, confess them tew men, and yu will be laffed at.
Impudence is nothing more than open hipokrasy.
About the most we kan hope in our old age iz tew endure the thoughts ov what we enjoyed when we waz young.
There iz only one good substitute for the endearments ov a sister, and that iz the endearments ov sum other pheller’s sister.
HOT KORN.
Thare iz a grate deal ov rezolushun in Gin, but kussid little judgment.
A nikname will not only outliv a man, but outlast even hiz tombstun.
What iz the chief end ov man? To foot hiz wife’s bills and foot the man who insults her.
A genial old man iz pleasant tew look upon, but a frisky old man is too mutch like an Irish wake to be captivating.
295A man who kant fiddle but one tune, i don’t kare how well he kan do it, ain’t a permanent suckcess.
HOT KORN.
After all i don’t kno az thare iz ennything in this world that pays mutch better than being a natral born phool.
A literary reputashun iz hard tew git and eazy tew loose, and when once lost iz lost forever.
Thare iz grate art in growing old gracefully.
If a man haz got a good reputashun he better git it insured, for they are dredful risky.
Misplaced charity iz a good blunder tew make. If yu want tew git a good general idee ov a man’s karakter find out from him what hiz opinion ov his nabor iz.
It iz a grate deal better for a man tew be defamed than tew be praized for what he don’t possess.
Genuine happiness is like a genuine ghost, everyboddy talks about them and seems tew beleaf in them, but i guess noboddy hain’t seen one yet.
Solomon remarked “that thare want ennything nu under the sun,” and it duz really seem that if a man sez ennything nu he haz got tew lie a leetle tew do it.
I serpose that whi advise is such a drug in the market iz bekauze the supply alwus exceeds the demand.
Dandys and blujays are alike, both worthless without their feathers.
296Gold seems tew be the standard of all values in this world Even virtew in a poor man, iz quoted 75 per cent belo par.
Watching one’s helth all the time iz like watching the weather—a grate deal of time iz lost, and thare iz just az menny showers after all.
We hear a good deal sed about the freaks ov natur, but i hav alwus noticed that when natur makes a two-legged swine, she takes a mighty sight ov pains about it.
Gravity iz the homage that a phool pays to wisdum, without knowing it.
A flatterer iz a common enemy.
If mankind were obliged tew giv their gifts sekretly, they would look upon it az a grate hardship.
He that won’t listen, kan’t learn; phools and bobalinks are poor listeners, and hav but one song.
Thare iz nothing we talk so fluently about az happiness, and nothing we kno so little about.
Revenge iz the prerogative ov the brutes.
Manner iz a grate deal more attraktive than matter—espeshily in a monkey.
Whenever yu find a man who iz strikly honest, yu will find one who iz truly courageous.
When eloquence and wisdum kontend for the superiority in a man, he haz got about az far abuv the rest ov us az he kan git.
The luv ov change iz az natral in man az it iz in natur.
Thare iz two kinds ov hipokrits, the bold, and the humble, and the humble ones are the wust.
The grate strength ov simplicity lays in the words, not in the ideas.
I don’t beleave thare iz ennything in this world that will add to a man’s wealth, convenience or luxury, but what he kan git, if he will only hunt enuff for it.
All wimmin are bi natur flirts, but those who are the most so, have the least sense.
To be thoroughly good-natured, and yet avoid being imposed upon, shows great strength ov character.
297Enny person who will deliberately flatter yu, will deliberately defame yu.
It iz a mighty hard job tew respekt the man that we hav tew forgiv.
I beleave thare iz more people in this world, honest from policy, than thare iz from principle.
Very old people often are free from all appearances ov sin, bekauze they hav nothing left for either tew feed upon.
Thare are people who are alwus anticipating trubble, and in this way they manage tew enjoy menny sorrows that never really happen tew them.
Fear ov sin haz made a grate menny more Christians than the luv ov virtew haz.
I kno ov sevral kinds ov kuriosity, but thare iz one kind which prompts us tew stick our noze into things just for the purpose ov smelling.
The luv ov praize never made enny man wuss, and haz made menny a man better.
Thoze people who are sik and disgusted with themselfs are the ones who suffer from ennui.
In bible times, when Balem’s ass spoke, it waz a mirakle; but the daze ov mirakels are over, and the greatest asses we hav in theze times are the gratest talkers.
Thare iz quite a difference between a luminous and a voluminous writer, altho menny authors konfound the two.
Thoze who hav never sukceeded themselfs are alwus the most reddy tew tell others how tew do it.
I am satisfied that the 2 gratest bores in the world are the Hoosick tunnel and the author who iz hunting up a publisher for his fust book.
If yu wish tew retain the friendship, or even luv, ov others, yu must keep them in yure hands, and not git into theirs.
It iz kind ov phunny that while modesty iz the gratest evidence ov merit, it seems tew be the poorest gurantee ov suckcess.
Admire beauty, but don’t worship it.
Cunning men are sure tew git kaught at last, and when 298 they are kaught they are like a fox in a trap, about the sylliest looking fox yu ever see.
Yu mite az well undertake tew drown a knot-hole out, bi pouring water into it, az tew outtalk sum wimmin I kno ov.
We laff at sheep bekauze when one ov them leads the way all the rest follow, however ridikilus it may be, and i suppose sheep laff, when they see us doing the vary same thing.
It will do tew endorse some men, but not their paper, while thare iz others whoze paper iz safer tew endosse than their karakter.
Fortune iz no holyday goddess she don’t simper amung arkadian scenes, she dwells in rugged places, and yu kant wear her favors without winning them.
FOUNDLINGS.
He that will foller good advice, iz a greater man than he that gives it.
It iz human to err, but devlish to brag on it.
Blessed iz he who haz a big pile, and knows how to spread it.
The minds ov the young are eazily trained; it iz hard work to git an old hop vine to travel a new pole.
I dont hanker after bad luck, but I had rather run the risk ov it than trust too mutch in the professions ov men.
Just in proportion that a man iz thankful to Heaven, and hiz nabor, just in that proportion he iz happy.
It iz a dredful fine thing to whip a young one jist enuff, and not enny more. I take it that the spot iz lokated jist whare their pride ends, and their mad begins.
Blessed iz them who hav no eye for a key, nor ear for a knot-hole.
A man should learn tew be a good servant to himself before he iz fit to boss others.
The more exalted our stashun, the more conspikuous our 299 virtews, just az a ritch setting adds to the brilliancy ov a jewel.
Blessed are the single, for they kan double at leizure.
If yu want to learn a child to steal oats in the bundle, make him beg out ov yu evry thing that yu giv him.
Thare iz nothing so difikult for the best ov us az tew git the approval ov our own conscience.
Blessed iz he who kan pocket abuse, and feel that it iz no disgrace to be bit by a dog.
Punishments, tew hit the spot, should be few, but red-hot.
Happyness consists in being perfektly satisfied with what we hav got, and what we haint got.
We are told that ritches takes wings and flies out ov sight, and i hav known them tew take the proprietor along with them.
Blessed iz the man who kan eat hash with a clear conscience, for hiz heart must be full ov pitty.
I hav seen those who were az full ov awl sorts ov learning az the heavens are ov wind; they are just the things to cut up into weather-cocks.
If a man iz thoroughly satisfied with himself, he will be very well satisfied with evrybody else.
“Blessed are the meek and lowly” (and very lucky, too, if they don’t git their noze pulled.)
If death iz an evil, birth iz a greater one.
One ov the fussyest scenes I ever listened to, waz two old maids, waiting on one sick bachelor.
If we take all the hard sledding ov this life, and make it four times az mutch, it wont amount tew the affliktions that men pile on to each other.
I think evry man and woman on earth, ought tew wear on their hat-band theze words, in large letters: “Lead us not into temtashun.”
I never knew ennyboddy yet to git stung by hornets, who kept away from whare they waz—it iz jist so with bad-luck.
Blessed iz he who haz got a good wife and knows how to sail her.
300The true definition ov a luxury iz sumthing that another feller haint got the stamps to buy.
Blessed iz he who alwus carrys a big stone in hiz hand but never heaves her.
Pissmires on the level, are only insignificent, but when they git up on end and begin tew strut on 2 legs they are permanantly ridiklous.
I never read the comick papers, dear Jesse, enny more than I would eat rye-bread when I am away from home.
Yu kan judge ov a mans religion very well by hearing him talk, but yu kant judge ov hiz piety by what he sez, enny more than yu kan judge ov hiz amount ov linnen by the stick out ov hiz collar and waistbands.
DRIED FRUIT.
When a rooster crows, he crows all over.
A poor, but dishonest cuss iz about az low down az enny man kan git, unless he drinks whiskee too.
Error will slip thru a crack, while truth will git stuck in a doorway.
The man who haz just found out he kant afford tew burn green wood haz taken hiz fust lesson in ekonemy.
Thare iz only one thing that kan beat truth, and that iz he who alwus speaks it.
It iz hard work, at fust sight, tew see the wisdum ov a rattle snaik bite, but thare iz thousands ov folks who never think ov their sins untill they are bit bi a rattle snaik.
Thare iz a grate deal ov human natur in a krab, if yu don’t pick them up in the right way, yu will diskover it.
I think now, if i had all the money that iz due me, i would invest it in a saw mill, and then “let her rip.”
Take the humbugg out ov this world, and yu wont hav mutch left tew do bizzness with.
301When we say, “such a man haz bowels ov mercy,” do we mean tew be understood that he iz a light eater?
Faith and curiosity are the gin cocktails ov suckcess.
Advertising iz sed tew be a certain means of success; sum folks are so impressed with this truth, that it sticks out ov their tombstun.
Thare iz this diffrence between ignorance and error; ignorance iz stone blind, and error iz near-sighted; ignorance stands still and error only moves to run agin a post.
Economy iz a savings bank, into which men drop pennys, and git dollars in return.
There iz one thing yu kant put out, and that iz yure conscience; yu may smother it, but a coal pit, it kontains the charred remains.
The two richest men now living in Amerika that i kno of, iz the one who haz got the most money and the other who wants the least; and the last one iz the happiest ov the two.
REMNANTS.
Customs are like grease—they make ennything slip eazy.
Thare iz sum things that kant be counterfitted—a blush iz one ov them.
Goodness iz jist az mutch ov a studdy az mathumaticks iz.
If a man expekts tew be very virtewous he musn’t mix too much with the world, nor too mutch with himself neither.
Thare iz more deviltry in the world than thare iz ignorance.
The people who acktually deserve tew liv their lives over agin are the verry ones who dont want to do it.
The richest man ov all iz he who haz got but little, but haz got all he wants.
Natur makes all the noblemen—wealth, edukashun, nor pedigree, never made one yet.
302When a man duz me a favour i alwus try tew remember it, and when he duz me an injury i alwus try tew forget it—if i dont, I ought to.
REMNANTS.
If a man iz honest he may not alwus be in the right, but he kan never be in the wrong.
Grate talkers are generally grate liars, for men who talk so mutch must sooner or later, run out ov the truth, and tell what they dont kno.
I dont bet thare iz enny sich thing az a perfektly good man, or a perfekly bad man.
I kno ov enny quantity ov people whose virtews are at the mercy ov other folks, who are good simply for the reputashun ov it, who haven’t got enny more real appetite tew their conscience than a klam haz.
I hav studdyed mi own karakter, and mi own impulses for 39 years clussly, and i kant tell to day (to save a bet) whether i am an honest and trew man or not—if thare iz enny boddy who knows about this matter i wish they would address me a letter, enklosing a postage blister.
Thare iz no sekts, nor religious disputes amung the heathen, they all of them cook a missionary in the same way.
One grate reazon whi “Jordan iz sich a ruff road tew travel,” iz bekauze, almost every boddy works inside ov their own lot, and lets the turnpike take care ov itself.
Thare iz lots ov folks who expekt tew eskape Hell jist bekauze the crowd iz so grate that are going thare.
303Every man makes hiz own pedigree, and the best pedigree iz a clear conscience.
To be a gentleman,—git ritch, and keep a hoss and buggy.
Virtew in a poor man iz looked upon az a jewel in a tuds noze.
The man who iz a tyrant in hiz household iz an abjekt cuss amung hiz equals.
After a man iz fairly born the next grate blessing iz a square deth.
Virtew iz like strength, no man kan tell how mutch he haz got ov it till he cums akrost sumthing he kant lift.
I hav cum tew the konklusion that what every boddy praizes wants cluss watching.
Thare iz nothing the wurld will pay so mutch for az fust rate nonsense, and thare iz nothing in the market so skarse.
Thare iz menny folks who are like mules, the only way tew their affeckshuns iz thru the kindness ov a klub.
Thare aint but phew people who know how to giv gifts, and the number who kno how tew receive them iz less.
The strongest propensity in womans natur iz to want to know “whats going on!” and the next strongest, iz tew boss the job.
Skorn not the day ov little things, for thare iz no man in this world so grate but what sum one kan do him a favor or an injury.
Thare iz one witness that never iz guilty ov perjury, and that iz the conscience.
Thare iz sich a thing az being alwus too quick—i am one ov that kind miself, i alwus miss a rale rode train bi being thare a haff an our too soon.
REMARKS.
When a man hain’t got enny thing to say, then iz a good time tew keep still,—thare iz but few people who hav missed a good opportunity tew ventilate their opiniyuns.
304Just about az cerimonys creep into one end ov a church piety creeps out ov the other.
Thoze who hav the fewest failings, see the fewest in others.
Pride iz az universal az hair on the hed—sum are proud ov their virtews, sum ov their vices, and sum, having neither themselves, brag on other people’s.
Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.
An industrious man iz seldom a bad man.
Men will believe their pashuns quicker than they will their consciences, and yet their pashuns are generally wrong, and their consciences alwus right.
It ain’t mutch truble tew bear the pain or sum boddy else’s lame back, but tew hav the lame back oneself ain’t so stylish.
Dispising fortune iz not a sure way tew gain her favors,—pipe to her, and she may dance to you.
Take all the interest out ov this world, and there wouldn’t be friendship enuff left for seed.
Sekrets are a burden, and that iz one reason why we are anxious to hav sumboddy help us carry them.
I hav seen men so full ov vanity, that they could not endure the sight ov a peacock, with his tale on parade.
The most excruciating bore I know is excessive politeness.
If I was called upon tew describe Eloquence, I should do it az I would a suit ov clothes,—‘ov suitable texture and a perfect fit.’
Gravity iz no more an evidence ov wisdom, than it iz ov ill natur.
The greater the man, the less hiz virteus appear, and the larger hiz faults.
The man who hain’t got an enemy, iz really poor.
Don’t mistake vivacity for wit, thare iz just az mutch diffrence as thare iz between lightning and a lightning bug.
No man ever yet undertook tew alter his natur by substituting sum invenshun ov his own, but what made a botch job ov it.
Religion in theze days, iz compozed ov vanity, and piety, and each man and woman iz a better judge ov the proportion than I am.
305Lovers feed upon mysteries, but after they are married, and the pork and beans are brought on, they hav a fair chance tew test the real qualitys ov their appetights.
An insult tew one man iz an insult tew all, for it may be our turn next.
I don’t kno ov enny thing that would use the whole ov us up more thoroughly, than tew hev all ov our wishes gratified.
Thare iz 2 kinds ov obstinacy, obstinacy in the right, and obstinacy in the wrong, one iz the strength ov a grate mind, and the other iz the strength ov a little one.
Lazyness iz like mollassis, sweet and sticky.
I think a bear in hiz claws, iz prefarable tew one with gloves on.
I kant tell now which I admire least, an old coquett, or a young prude.
Misanthropy don’t pay—thare aint no man living whoze hate the world cares one cuss for.
Rash men ken be korrekted, but it dont pay to labour with a phool.
The man who haz never enjoyed the plezzure ov being forgiven, haz missed one ov the greatest luxurys ov life.
I hav seen coquettry, that had no more malice in it, than a ewe lamb, frisking on the green.
When i cum acrost a man who utters hiz opinyuns with immense deliberashun, and after they are uttered they dont amount to ennything, I write him down “misterious phool.”
The grate cry ov the world now daze iz, “Whats trumps.”
Love iz a weakness,—but it iz the same kind ov a weakness that repentance iz, both ov them are creditable tew our natures.
A man iz hiz own best friend, and worst enemy.
Jealousy iz one ov loves parasites.
We kan endure vices in the young that we should despise in the old—(pleaze make a note ov this old phellows).
Friendship iz like earthenware, if it iz broken it kan be mended, but love iz like a mirror, once broken, that ends it.
I dont kno ov enny thing on the face ov this earth more remorseless, than 7 per cent interest.
306Thare iz a grate deal ov difference between enduring misfortunes because we expekt to, and enduring them bekauze we are obliged to, one iz pashunce, and the other iz mere sullenness.
When i see an old man marry a young wife, i consider him starting out on a bust, for I am reminded ov the parable in the Bible, about new wine, and old bottles.
SAWS.
Thar iz no limit tew the vanity of this world, each spoke in the wheel thinks the whole strength ov the wheel depends upon it.
SAWS.
The only claim enny man kan have upon the world, after he haz left it, iz for good examples.
Thare iz just az mutch difference between precept and example, az thare iz between a horn that blows a noize, and one that blows a tune.
Thare seems tew be a propriety in all things; late experiments in New York city, have proved, that religion in a rat pit iz a failure. Grate examples are no excuse for iniquity. Our Saviour thought so when he sed: “Git thee behind me, Satan.”
Sin in the soul iz like a sliver in the flesh, mortification iz the natral way tew git rid ov it.
307The man who dont praktiss what he preaches, iz no better than the rattlesnaik, who warns, and then strikes.
Fortune haz but little power over those who are not her suitors.
Man by natur luvs sosiety, and the more he luvs it, the more natral virtews he possesses—the most vicious amung the animals are thoze who liv the most sekluded.
Beware ov false friends,—yure dog wont desert yu when yure munny iz gone.
One reazon whi friendships are so transhient, is bekauze we so often mistake a companyun for a friend.
To know how to think, iz one ov the sciences.
Poor human natur iz too full ov its own grievances tew hav enny pitty to spare,—if yu show a man a big bile on yure arm, he will tell yu he had one twice az big az that, on the same spot, last year.
The thinking men outliv the labouring men.
The owl iz remarkable for hiz gravity, and also for his stupidity.
Flattery iz like mollassis, a very little of it tastes sweet tew a wize man, and a good deal of it, tastes sweet tew a phool.
Politeness subsists upon politeness.
I like a hornet for one thing, they always attend tew their own bizzness, and wont let enny boddy else attend tew it.
Fools are alwus a looking ahead tew get wisdum, wize men look back.
It iz the eazyest thing in the world tew make a blunder, and the hardest thing tew own it.
I deskribe a kiss, az the time, and spot, whare affeckshun cums tew the surface.
Man waz kreated a little lower than the angels, but while an infant, he fell one day out ov hiz kradle, and hain’t struk bottom yet.
If a man iz very anxious tew kultivate a good opinyun ov human natur, he mustn’t know too mutch ov it.
A phool iz not necessarily a man without enny sense, but one without the right kind ov sense.
308When a man gits tew talking about himself, he seldum fails tew be eloquent, and often reaches the sublime.
Excellence in enny direction iz rare—even good clowns are skarse.
Love generally changes coquettry to sense, and prudery to sillyness.
It iz only a step from cunning tew dishonesty, and it iz a step that a man iz liable at ennytime tew take.
Old age haz its priviliges—one iz tew find fault with everything.
Weak and wicked are the two worst things that ennyboddy can be charged with.
He who iz willing tew trust everyboddy, iz willing tew be cheated by everyboddy.
Whenever yu find a man, with an excentricity ov enny kind, which he brags ov, yu kan put that man down az a “beat,” and charge it tew mi account.
A wise man iz never less alone than when alone.
A man may mistake hiz tallents, but he kant mistake hiz genius.
Tallent must hav memory, genius don’t require it.
I don’t beleave thare iz a human being on the face ov the earth, nor an angel in heaven, who are posatively proof against temptashun.
When a man measures out glory for himself he alwus heaps the half bushel.
A bile ain’t a very sore thing after all, espeshily when it iz on sum other phellow.
Pretty much all the philosophy in this world iz kontained in the following bracket—[grin and bear it.]
I don’t kno whitch haz done the most damage in this world, lazyness or malice, but i guess lazyness has.
If I had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best one “Doubtful” and the other 3 “Useless.”
Rumor iz like a swarm ov bees, the more yu fite them the less yu git rid ov them.
Virtew may konsist in never sinning, but the glory ov virtew konsists in repentance.
309Fashion makes phools ov sum, sinners ov others, and slaves ov all.
A jest may be kruel, but a joke never iz.
I never bet: not so mutch bekause i am afrade i shall loze, az bekauze i am afrade i shall win.
A phools money iz like hiz brains, very oneazy.
I don’t think the height ov impudence haz ever been reached yet, altho menny hav made a good try for it.
The reason whi all the works ov nature are so impressive, iz bekauze, they represent ideas.
The books which summer tourists carry about with them are desighned more to employ the hands, than improve the branes.
The man whoze whole strength lays in his money iz a weak man; I had rather be able tew milk a cow suckcessfully, on the wrong side, than to be such a man.
Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don’t appear tew me to be enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are.
But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, than tew see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov christian fortitude, struggling with a mustach.
REMARKS.
Marrying a woman for her munny is vera mutch like setting a rat-trap, and baiting it with yure own finger.
It is highly important, when a man makes up his minde tew bekum a raskall, that he shud examine hisself clusly, and see if he aint better konstructed for a phool.
I argy in this way, if a man is right he cant be too radikal, if he is rong he kant be too conservatiff.
I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the men.
310I beleave in suggar coated pills.—I also beleave that virtue and wisdum kan be smuggled into a man’s soul bi a good natured proverb, better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a worm-wood mallet and chissell.
The pure don’t grow old enny more than a mountain spring dus.
Rize arly, work hard, and late, live on what yu kant sell, giv nothing awa, and if yu dont die ritch, and go tu the devil, yu ma sue me for damages.
Marrin for love ma be a little risky, but it is so honest, that God kant help but smile on it.
I think i had rather hav a noze 7 inches and a half long, (in the clear) than tew be the hansumest man in our county; for in the fust case, i should work hard tew shorten mi nose bi some other good qualitys, while in the other case, i probably should never be told by my looking-glass that i was a phool.
Awl human happiness is conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don’t serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long.
Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life yet we all waste more time than we uze.
That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their ansesstors, and their grate descent, when in fack, their grate descent iz jist what’s the matter ov them.
We are told “that an honest man is the noblest work ov God”—but the demand for the work has been so limited, that i hav thought a large share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author’s hands.
I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling what he would have did if he had bin thare; I hav notised that this kind never git thare.
311Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn’t much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump; he kant remember when he waz a tadpole—but other folks kan.
I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet, or else he is boring in the rong plase.
Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe politeness; a goose has a grate deal of this last kind ov politeness; i have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was 18 foot high.
God save the phools! and don’t let them run out, for if it want for them, wise men couldn’t get a livin.
Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch pudding and milk, even, will worry a man.
The man who kan ware a paper collar a hole week and keap, it klean, aint fit for enny thing else.
NOSEGAYS.
The man who iz alwus anxious tew assume a responsibility, iz either a phool, or a knave, i dont kno which.
If yu want to klime a tree yu hav got tew begin at the bottom.
As spunky people az i hav ever known have been az arrant kowards.
I had mutch rather alwuss look forward tew the time, when i am going tew ride in a carriage, than tew look bak once tew the time when i used to do it.
A certain amount of cerimony seems tew be necessary to run the soshul masheen with, but when pholks git so mutch cerimony on hand, that they have tew be formaly introduced 312 every time they meet at an evening meeting, i think that they hav wore the flesh all oph from cerimony.
NOSEGAYS.
When i cum akrost people who are perfektly krazy for ventilashun, i say to miself, “that kritter was brought up in a windmill.”
The majority ov the world are like rats, they live upon plunder and forsake a sinking ship.
Punktuality is one grate element ov sukcess.
A watch that dont keep korrekt time is wuss than no watch at all.
Grate powers are useful only az they are made serviceable—the value ov a hoss depends upon hiz being well broke.
Too mutch branes iz rather a hindrance than a help to a simply bizzness man.
A praktikal joke iz like a fall on the ice, thare may be phun in it, but the one that falls kant alwus see it.
The soundest wisdum cums from experience, but thare iz a nearer road to it allmost az sure—reading and reflekshun.
He who reads and don’t reflekt, iz like the one who eats and don’t exercise.
The best reformers the world haz ever seen are thoze who commense on themselfs.
He who simply repents ov a sin pays only 50 cents on a dollar, while he who forsakes it pays one hundred.
The more a person hunts for the mote in hiz brother’s eye the plainer he will diskover—if he iz a man ov sense—the beam in his own.
313People are more apt tew make a shield ov their religion than they are a pruning-hook.
Religion iz too often kut az the clothes are, ackording tew the prevailing fashun.
It iz eazier tew be virtewous than it iz tew appear so, and it pays better.
Wicked men should pay homage tew virtew, for though they do not honor her she iz their gratest safeguard.
The man who haint got enny religion tew defend won’t defend ennything.
Whi iz it that we despize the man who puts himself in our power, and are quite az apt to respekt him just in proporshun az he iz out of our reach.
Modesty iz strength, but diffidence iz weakness. Modesty iz always an evidence ov worth, while diffidence may be a consciousness ov evil.
Thare iz but very phew real suckcesses in this world that are undeserved.
Let no man flatter himself that he kant be spared. Thare iz more people waiting tew step into hiz shuze than he iz aware ov.
The longer i liv the more i am convinced that mankind gro different not worse. Us old pholks are apt to konfound the terms.
A wicked man iz no kompany for himselfs.
All people luv authority, but the vulgar luv it the most.
It iz eazy enuff tew get at enny man’s wealth, for he that alwus wants more iz poor, and he that would be satisfied with less iz ritch.
We pitty others bekauz we are better oph ourselves; the unfortunate dont pitty the unfortunate.
Pride and poverty hav travelled together now for about 5 thousand years, and pretend to luv each other, but they kant phool ennyboddy but themselfs.
Lazy men are alwuss the most posative. They are too lazy to inform themselfs, and too lazy to change their minds.
A man will defend his weak spots a grate deal more sharply than he will hiz strong ones.
314If men were stubborn just in proporshun az they waz right, stubborness would take her seat among the virtews, but men are generally stubborn just in proporshun az they are ignorant and wrong.
Genius after all ain’t ennything more than elegant kommon sense.
Thare iz a grate deal ov dignity in this world, that iz komposed entirely ov dignity, and nothing else.
We hav professors who teach the art ov talking korrektly, whi kant we hav sum who will teach the art ov listening pashuntly.
A skeptik iz one who knows too mutch to be a good phool, and too little to be wise.
Slander travels on the wind, and whare it cums from, and whare it will go we don’t enny ov us seem tew kno.
Look out for thoze pholks who are familiar on short notiss, they are like hornets, they mean sting.
When a man ov larning talks he makes us wonder, but a wize man makes us think.
It iz safe to say that thoze who go into solitude are not fit for sosiety, and thoze who are not fit for sosiety are certainly unfit for solitude.
A sophist iz one who puts hiz light under a half-bushel for the sake ov letting the light shine thru the kracks.
Style in writing iz like style in dress—a good fit.
How menny suspishus people one meets in this world. If their nozes waz stuffed with kotton wool they would smell sum kind ov a rat.
Most ov the animiles and insex (az well az the men) liv on each other, but the spider iz the meanest in the whole lot, for they set traps for their viktims, and dont even bait the traps.
What should we do if it want for the churches? Thare iz a plenty ov people who kant worship God only in a church. If they were out in a field on the Sabbath day they would at once bekum lawless, and fall to digging out woodchucks or hunting for bumblebees’ nests.
People worth noticing should never forgit that everything 315 they say and do iz watched by sumboddy, and it iz equally true that the good things are generally forgot, but the bad ones never.
I phully apreshiate the proverb, “that speech iz silver, but silence iz golden,” but i must say that sum ov the most diskreet and dignified phools that i hav ever met hav been thoze who never ventured an opinyun on enny subjekt.
What iz happier tew meet than a good temper? It iz like the sun bi day and the soft harvest moon bi nite.
Giv every one you meet, my boy, the time ov day and haff the road, and if that dont make him civil dont waste enny more fragrance on the cuss.
Sum pholks are natrally so kross and krabbid that it iz an insult tew them to ask them tew be polite. Yu mite as well ask a dog tew take the krook out ov hiz tale, and be a gentleman.
Thare iz a grate deal ov religion in this world that iz like a life-preserver—only put on at the moment ov extreme danger, and put on then, haff the time, hind side before.
With all the howling for liberty that men and wimmin engage in, thare iz, after all, but very little ov it in the world—we are all ov us slaves to sumthing.
I hav often heard ov men who had bekum disgusted with the world, and retired into solitude; but i hav never heard ov a kommitty ov our fust citizens waiting on them and asking them tew kum bak.
Pedigree may be valuabel for a man, but i notiss it ain’t wuth mutch for a hoss: for the fust question that iz asked, iz: “What can he go out and show?”
I never hav known a man yet die at three skore years and ten possessed ov the welth that he had got rongfully.
Peace iz the shaddo that the setting sun ov a virtewous life kasts.
Side by side ov Plain Truth stands Common Sense—two ov the gratest warriors time haz ever produced.
Diogoneze waz a grater man than Alexander, not bekauze he lived in a tub, but bekauze a tub waz all he wanted tew 316 liv in; wealth could not flatter him, nor could poverty make him afrade.
It takes just 3 times az long tew tell a lie, on enny subjekt, az it duz tew tell the truth.
Vanity iz the most jealous disseaze; i hav saw men so vain that they kouldn’t look with kompozure upon a peakok spreading hiz appendix tew the morning sun.
Tru valor iz like honesty, it enters into all that a man sez or duz.
The man who thinks “he kant do it,” iz alwuss more than haff right.
One ov the hardest things tew learn a child, iz tew tell the truth, but it should be done, if—death ensues.
SHOOTING STARS.
Most people are like an egg, too phull ov themselfs to hold enny thing else.
Thare iz this difference between genius and tallent, one iz a natral reservoi, and the other haz tew be kontinually pumpt up.
“Misery luvs kompany,” but kant bear kompetishun, thare aint no boddy but what thinks thare bile iz the sorest bile in markit.
A reputashun for honor once lost, iz lost forever.
Men who kno the least, alwus argy the most.
A crowing hen, and a kakling rooster, are the poorest kind ov poultry.
To be a big man amung big men, iz what proves a man’s karakter—to be a bul frog amung tadpoles, dont amount to mutch.
What a blessed thing it iz that we kant “see ourselfs az others see us,”—the sight would take all the starch out ov us.
Thare iz lots ov pholks in this wurld who kan keep nine 317 out ov ten ov the commandments, without enny trubble at all, but the one that iz left they kant keep the small end ov.
I never question a suckcess, enny more than i do the right ov a bull dog to lie in hiz own gateway.
To wake up from a sweet sleep, iz tew be born agin.
Expektashun iz the child ov Hope, and like its parent iz an arogant brat.
SHOOTING STARS.
Mi friend, yu may be more cunning than most men, but yu aint more cunning than all men.
Excentricitys are most alwus artyfishall, and the best that kan be sed ov them iz, they are quite az often the result ov diffidence az ov vanity.
If i want tew git at the trew karakter ov a man, i studdy hiz vices more than i do hiz virtews.
Faith wont make a man virtewous, but it makes what virtew he haz got red hot. Those who expekt tew keep themselfs pure in this life, must keep their souls bileing all the time, like a pot, and keep all the time skimming the surface.
It don’t do tew trust a man too mutch, who iz alwus in a hurry, he iz like a pissmire, whose heart and bones lays in hiz heels.
Thare iz nothing so delishus tew the soul ov man az an ockashional moment ov sadness.
The man whose only plezzure in this life, iz making munny, weighs less on the moral skales than an angleworm.
318Manner iz far more attraktive than matter—monkeys are watched clusser than eagles are.
Jelous people alwus luv themselfs more than they do thoze whom they are jelous ov.
Curiosity iz the germ ov all enterprizes—men dig for woodchucks more for curiosity, than they do for woodchucks.
The purest and best specimens ov human natur that the world haz ever seen, or ever will see, hav bin the virtewous heathen.
Men don’t fall so often in this world from a want ov right motives, az they do from lack ov grip.
Thare iz only two men in this world who never make enny blunders, and they are yu and me, mi friend.
Every man seemz tew hav hiz price, except the newsmonger, they prefer to work for nothing, and board themselfs.
Yung man, yu kant learn ennything bi hearing yureself talk, but yu may possibly by hearing others.
Thare iz no one who kan disregard with impunity the proprietys ov life, but thare are menny people who, if they aint propper, ain’t nothing.
Thare iz lots ov folks in this world whom yu kan blo up like a bladder, and then kik them az high az yu pleze.
I hav alwus notissed one thing, that when a cunning man burns hiz fingers every boddy hollers for joy.
Grate men should only allow their most trusty friends tew see them in their hours ov relaxashun.
I sumtimes distinguish between tallent and genius in this way: A man ov tallent kan make a whissell out of a pig’s tale, but it takes a man of genius tew make the tale.
I kant tell now whether a goose stands on one leg so mutch to rest the leg az to rest the goose. I wish sum scientifick man would tell me all about this.
Thare iz a mitey site ov difference whether Mr. John Smith will appear at Booth’s Theater az Othello, or whether Othello will appear az Mr. John Smith.
I had rather be a child again than to be the autokrat ov the world.
319Thare iz newmerous individuals in the land who look upon what they hain’t got az the only things worth having.
Thare iz thoze who kant laff with impunity; if they aint stiff and sollum they aint nothing.
A fu branes in a man’s hed are az noizy az shot in a blown up bladder.
One man ov genius to 97 thousand four hundred and 42 men ov tallent iz just about the rite perporshun for aktual bizzness.
I hate grate talkers; i had rather hav a swarm ov bees lite onto me.
Adam and Eve were very good kind ov pholks until they were tempted, and then they kerflumixt immediately.
Ventilashun iz a good thing, but when a man kant lay down and sleep in a 10 aker lot without taking down two lengths ov fence to let the wind in he iz alltogether too airish.
I hav finally made up mi mind tew do a good turn whenever i kan, even if i git histed higher than a kite for it.
I think that a hen who undertakes tew lay 2 eggs a day must necessarily neglekt sum other branch ov bizzness.
He who really deserves friends alwus finds them.
Thare is “menny a slip between a cup and lip,” but not haff az menny az thare ought tew be.
The two most important words in enny languarge are the shortest—“Yes” and “No.”
One ov the most honest and reliable men i kno ov at the present time iz “Old Probabilitiz;” he iz an ornament and honor tew hiz sex.
Men hav more vanity than wimmin, and wimmin hav more jealousy than men.
Rather than not hav faith in enny thing, i am willing tew be beat 9 times out ov 10.
In whipping a yung one, yu don’t never ought tew stop untill yu git klean thru.
I dont never hav enny trubble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me.
Looking at pikturs iz a cheap way tew think.
320THE INTERVIEWER.
I pitty the poor Interviewer, he iz not alwus a bad phellow at heart, but hiz trade iz a mean one, and the bizzness haz spilte him.
I would rather lead a blind mule on the tow-path for a living, or retail soft klams from a ricketty waggon, than tew be an Interviewer, and worry people with questions, they waz afrade tew answer and too vain tew refuse.
The Interviewer iz a human hosstrich, feeding on enny thing he kan find, and digesting eazy enny thing he can swallo.
He iz a kind ov kultivated hyena, and makes yu shudder to think, that at enny moment, he may turn wild and begin tew hunt for a human beefstake.
He haz just branes enuff tew keep hiz impudence aktiv, and tho he haz but little malice, he will hunt yu sharper, and worry yu wuss, than a canal boat bedbug.
He iz like a ritch cheeze, chuck phull ov little things.
Thare iz no eskaping this breed ov kritters, if yu run they will overtake yu, if yu steal into yure hole they will either dig for yu, or stand around on the outside till yu cum out.
They are wuss than a flea tew a long-haired dog.
Interviewers are a cross between the old-fashioned quid nunk and the modern Buzzer, and are a pesky improvement on both.
Death itself iz no eskape from the Interviewer, for they 321 will hang around the departure till they git an item, and then go for the widow.
The Interviewer would rather tell the truth if he kan, but aint discouraged if he iz forced tew tell what aint so.
They are az dangerous tew admit into yure konfidence az a pickpocket iz, not bekause they will take enny spoons, but bekauze yu are haff afrade they will.
THE INTERVIEWER.
Modesty would ruin an Interviewer, delikasy would unfit him for bizzness, he kan even thrive without being honest, and tew make him an adept in hiz calling, he dont require enny more tenderness than an undertaker duz.
Yu kan git rid ov a hornet by brakeing his nek, yu kan outrun a blak snaik, and kan hide from the sheriff, but the Interviewer, like the cursid muskeeter in the dark, hovers around yu, and if he don’t bight, he sings, which is the wusstest ov the two.
I hav bin lit onto by the Interviewer miself, and hav answered hiz questions, az honest az ever a child did the katekism, and the next day read the dialogue in the morning paper, and it waz all az new to me az Old Probabilitiz log ov the weather.
Don’t never tell any sekrets tew an Interviewer; he will open them az they open oysters in the market, and retail them on the haff shell.
I treat all interviewers politely; when they begin tew bait 322 me, i ask them tew smoke (i never knu one to refuse), and when they press me too clussly then i begin tew whissell.
I am an awful poor whissler enny how.
I do really pitty the poor Interviewer; he works for hiz bread like enny other skribbler, and for what i kno, hates the bizzness, but i am sad when I say, that if he iz good at interviewing, he iz too impudent tew be good for enny thing else.
Sum people luv tew be interviewed, and i must say, theze kind of pholks never reach the dignity ov impudence; they are simply disgusting.
Yu kant git a journeyman Interviewer tew waste enny time on sutch stale goods; he would az soon think of interviewing a last year’s birds’ nest, or a kuntry gide-board.
Thare iz no kure for a reglar Interviewer; he thirsts for the game like a fox hound on the trak; he livs upon plunder, and would rather be sent up for 30 daze than to see hiz collum in the morning Gazzette without a trophy.
THE MUSK RAT.
The musk rat iz bigger than a squirrell, and smaller than a woodchuk, and iz az unlike them az a Rokaway klam and a lobster are different from each other.
He iz amphibikuss, and kan liv on the land a good deal longer than he kan liv under the water.
He feeds upon roots, herbs, and soft klams, and smells like the wake of a fashionable woman out on parade.
He bilds houses in the winter, about az big az flour barrels, all over the marshes, and enters them from the cellar.
Hiz phur iz worth just about 25 cents, and aint lively in market at that.
Yu kan ketch them in allmoste enny kind ov a trap that haz got a way tew git into it. They are not kunning, and aint diffikult tew suit.
When i waz a boy i trapped every winter for musk rats, 323 and bought the fust pare ov skates i ever owned with their skins.
I hav seen them in winter setting up on end on the ice, cluss beside their holes, az stiff az an ezklamashun point, and when they see me they change ends and point down, like a semicolon, and that waz the last ov them.
The musk rat haz a flat tale, with no more phur on it than a file haz.
I dont dispize musk rat—oh, no!—but i dont worship him.
He haz but phew sins tew answer for; the chief one iz digging holes in the bank of the Erie kanal, and letting the water brake out. He will hav tew answer for this sumtime.
I luv all the animals, all the bugs, all the beasts, all the insex, all the katterpillars, bekauze they are so natral. They are az mutch, if not more, an evidence tew me ov the existance, the power, and the luv, ov an overruling Providence, as man iz.
I kan see az mutch fust klass natur in an angleworm, akording tew the square inch, az i kan see in an elephant.
I luv tew go phooling around amung the animiles ov all kinds in a warm day; i had rather set down bi the side ov an ant hill and see the whole swarm pitch onto a lazy kuss who won’t work, and run him out ov the diggins, than tew set six hours at the opera and applaud what i don’t understand, and weep at the spot whare the rest do, and pay 3 dollars for the privilege ov doing it.
THE MINK.
The mink iz about fourth cuzzin tew the musk rat, and haz sum things in common with him; they both smell alike.
He iz one ov yure land and water citizens, and kan dive deeper, do it quicker, and kum out dryer than enny thing i kno ov.
324His phur iz one ov the luxurys ov the present generashun and iz worth az mutch akording tew its size as one dollar bills are.
He haz no very strong pekuliarity ov karakter except hiz perfume, which iz about haff way in its smell between the beaver and the musk rat.
The mink haz 4 times the kunning that the musk rat haz, and iz bilt long and slim like a little girl’s stocking.
They are not handy tew ketch, but when ketched are skinned whole.
I hav trapt a good deal for mink and hav kaught them mity little, for they are almost az hard tew ketch in a trap and keep thare as a ray ov light iz.
Thare iz sum people who hav et mink, and sed it waz good, but i wouldn’t beleave sutch a man under oath, not bekauze he ment tew lie, but bekauze he didn’t kno what the truth waz.
I et a piece ov biled wilekat once, and that haz lasted me ever since, but i never waz parshall tew wild meat ennyhow.
I lived 25 years ov mi life whare game ov all kinds waz plenty. We had bear, oppossum, buffalo and rattlesnaik, and then nights we had draw poker and hi lo Jak, just tew waste the time a leetle.
THE DISTRIKT SKOOLMASTER.
Thare iz one man in this basement world that i alwus look upon with mixt pheelings ov pitty and respekt.
Pitty and respekt, az a genral mixtur, don’t mix well.
You will find them both traveling around amungst folks, but not growing on the same bush.
When they do hug each other, they mean sumthing.
Pitty, without respekt, hain’t got much more oats in it than disgust haz.
I had rather a man would hit me on the side ov the hed than tew pitty me.
325But thare iz one man in this world to whom i alwus take oph mi hat, and remain uncovered untill he gits safely by, and that iz the distrikt skoolmaster.
When I meet him, I look upon him az a martyr just returning from the stake, or on hiz way thare tew be cooked.
He leads a more lonesum and single life than an old bachelor, and a more anxious one than an old maid.
He iz remembered jist about az long and affektionately az a gide board iz by a traveling pack pedlar.
If he undertakes tew make hiz skollars luv him, the chances are he will neglekt their larning; and if he don’t lick them now and then pretty often, they will soon lick him.
The distrikt skoolmaster hain’t got a friend on the flat side ov earth. The boys snow-ball him during recess; the girls put water in hiz hair die; and the skool committee make him work for haff the money a bartender gits, and board him around the naberhood, whare they giv him rhy coffee, sweetened with mollassis, tew drink, and kodfish bawls 3 times a day for vittles.
And, with all this abuse, I never heard ov a distrikt skoolmaster swareing enny thing louder than—Condem it.
Don’t talk tew me about the pashunce ov anshunt Job.
Job had pretty plenty ov biles all over him, no doubt, but they were all ov one breed.
Every yung one in a distrikt skool iz a bile ov a diffrent breed, and each one needs a diffrent kind ov poultiss tew git a good head on them.
A distrikt skoolmaster, who duz a square job and takes hiz codfish bawls reverently, iz a better man to day tew hav lieing around loose than Soloman would be arrayed in all ov hiz glory.
Soloman waz better at writing proverbs and manageing a large family, than he would be tew navigate a distrikt skool hous.
Enny man who haz kept a distrikt skool for ten years, and boarded around the naberhood, ought tew be made a mager gineral, and hav a penshun for the rest ov hiz natral days, and a hoss and waggin tew do hiz going around in.
326But, az a genral consequence, a distrikt skoolmaster hain’t got any more warm friends than an old blind fox houn haz.
He iz jist about az welkum az a tax gatherer iz.
He is respekted a good deal az a man iz whom we owe a debt ov 50 dollars to and don’t mean tew pay.
He goes through life on a back road, az poor az a wood sled, and finally iz missed—but what ever bekums ov hiz remains, i kant tell.
Fortunately he iz not often a sensitive man; if he waz, he couldn’t enny more keep a distrikt skool than he could file a kross kut saw.
Whi iz it that theze men and wimmen, who pashuntly and with crazed brain teach our remorseless brats the tejus meaning ov the alphabet, who take the fust welding heat on their destinys, who lay the stepping stones and enkurrage them tew mount upwards, who hav dun more hard and mean work than enny klass on the futstool, who have prayed over the reprobate, strengthened the timid, restrained the outrageous, and flattered the imbecile, who hav lived on kodfish and vile coffee, and hain’t been heard to sware—whi iz it that they are treated like a vagrant fiddler, danced to for a night, paid oph in the morning, and eagerly forgotten?
I had rather burn a coal pit, or keep the flys out ov a butcher’s shop in the month ov August, than meddle with the distrikt skool bizzness.
SINGULAR BEINGS.
THE POMPOUS MAN.
The pompous man iz generally a snob at home and abroad.
He fills himself up with an east wind and thinks he iz grate just bekauze he happens tew feel big.
He talks loud and large, but deceives noboddy who will take the trubble tew meazzure him.
He iz a man ov small caliber, but a good deal ov bore.
327Hiz family looks upon him az the gratest man that the world haz had the honor to produce lately, and tho he gits snubbed often amungst folks, lie rekompenses himself bi going home and snubbing hiz family.
THE ONE IDEA MAN.
THE YANKEE, THAT IS ALWAYS REDDY TO ARGUE THE QUESTION.
The one idea man iz like the merino ram, he shuts up both eyes and goze for things inkontinently. He misses, ov course, oftener than he hits, but don’t kno the difference, and is always reddy to argue the question. Yu kant konvince him that he iz wrong enny more than you kan a hornet.
One idea men are their own wust enemys, and there iz but one kure for them, and that iz tew agree with them. If yu think just az they do, they will soon want tew think sum other way, and that lets two ideas git into their hed, which makes them perhaps endurable.
THE HAPPY MAN.
The happy man iz a poor judge of hiz own bliss, for he kant set down and deskribe it.
Happiness iz like helth—thoze who hav the most ov it seem tew kno it the least.
Yu kant go out in the spring ov the year and gather happiness along the side ov the road just the same az you would 328 dandylions—noboddy but a natral born phool kan do this they are alwus happy, ov course.
When i hear a man bragging how happy he iz, he dont cheat me, he only cheats himself.
THE HENPECKED MAN.
The henpecked man iz most generally married; but thare are instances on reckord of single men being harrassed by the pullets.
Yu kan alwus tell one ov theze kind ov men, espeshily if they are in the company ov their wives. They look az humble and resighned tew their fate az a hen turkey in a wet day.
Thare aint nothing that will take the starch out ov a man like being pecked by a woman. It is wuss than a seven months’ turn ov the fever and agy.
The wives ov hen-pecked husbands most alwus out liv their viktims, and I hav known them tew git marrid agin, and git hold ov a man that time (thank the Lord!) who understood all the hen-peck dodges.
One ov these kind ov husbands iz an honor tew his sex.
The hen-pecked man, when he gits out amungst men, puts on an air ov bravery and defiance, and once in a while will git a leetle drunk, and then go home with a firm resolve that he will be captain ov his household; but the old woman soon takes the glory out ov him, and handles him just az she would a haff-grown chicken, who had fell into the swill barrel, and had tew be jerked out dredful quick.
THE OFFICIOUS MAN.
The officious man stands around rubbing his hands, anxious for a job.
He seems tew ake for sumthing tew do, and if he gits snubbed in one place, it don’t seem tew diskourage him, but like the fly, he lights on another.
The officious man iz az free from malice as a young pup, who, if he kant do anything else, iz reddy tew lay down in front of yu and be stept on.
329Theze kind ov men spend their whole lives trieing tew make friends ov all, and never succeed with any.
There iz a kind ov officious man, who iz only prompted bi his vanity, hiz anxiety tew be useful tew others don’t arise from enny goodness ov heart, but simply from a desire ov stiking hiz noze into things.
Theze kind ov individuals are supremely disgusting.
The officious man iz generally ov no use whatever tew himself, and a nusance tew everyboddy else.
I don’t know ov but phew more unfortunit disposishuns than the officious mans, for even in its very best phase, it seldom suckceedes in gitting paid for its labors with common politeness.
THE PHUNNY MAN.
Thare iz hardly ennything that a man iz so vain ov az the humor that iz in him.
The phunny man iz seldum an humorist, and never a wit.
Hiz only pride iz tew make you laff; he seldum rizes abuv a jest, and very often iz the only one who kan see enny point even in that.
He iz generally the hero ov the ockashun in the rural distrikts, and kuntry bumbkins laff obstreprous whenever he opens his mouth.
The phunny man iz the clown at large, and hiz jests are sumtimes amuzing, but never remembered.
Thare iz seldum enny taint ov originality in him, and the quips and the quirks he deals in are old saws reset and refiled, and bad enuff done at that.
It iz a dredful unfortunit thing tew deal in cast oph jokes; for, like the old clothes bizzness, they will stick tew a man all thru life.
THE CHEEKY MAN.
Impudence, or sumthing like it, iz the leading trait in most suckcessful mens karakters.
All the nice things that hav bin sed in favour ov modesty, 330 fail tew stand the test when brought into the pull and haul of every-day life.
Bold assurance, while it may often disgust us; will win 9 times out ov 10.
We all ov us praze the modest, but our praze iz only a kind ov pitty, and pitty will ruin enny man.
Enny man will liv four times az long on abuse, and git phatt, az he will on pitty.
Thare iz now and then a man who iz modest, but intensely in earnest, and sutch men sweep everything before them.
The karakter ov the modest man iz a good thing, and a butiful thing tew frame and hang up in a private apartment, but experience teaches us that if we wait for our turn in this world, our turn never seems tew come round.
The cheeky man never enjoys thoze delightful sensations which arize from having yielded tew others; hiz logick iz that the arly bird gits the worm, and, regardless ov all delikasy, he goze for the worm.
Thare seems tew be nothing now daze that will warrant sukcess like cheek, and the more cheek the better, even if you hav az mutch as a mule.
THE LIVE MAN.
The Live Man iz like the little pig; he iz weaned young, and begins tew root arly.
He iz the pepper-sass ov creation—the all-spice ov the world.
One Live Man in a village is like a case ov itch in a distrikt skool—he sets evry boddy scratching at onst.
A man who kan draw New Orleans molasses in the month ov January, thru a half inch augur-hole, and sing “Home! sweet home!” while the molasis iz running, may be strictly honest, but he aint sudden enuff for this climate.
The Live Man iz az full ov bizness az the conducter ov a street kar—he iz often like a hornet, very bizzy, but about what, the Lord only knows.
He lights up like a cotton faktory, and haint got enny more time tew spare than a skool-boy has Saturday afternoons.
331He is like a decoy duck, alwus above water, and lives at least 18 months each year.
He is like a runaway hoss; he gits the whole ov the road.
He trots when he walks, and lies down at night only bekauze everyboddy else duz.
The live man is not always a deep thinker; he jumps at conclusions, just as the frog duz, and don’t alwus land at the spot he is looking at.
He is the Amerikan pet, a perfekt mystery tew foreigners; but he has done more (with charcoal) tew work out the greatness of this country than any other man in it.
He is jist as necessary as the grease on an axle-tree.
He don’t alwus die ritch, but alwus dies bizzy, and meets death a good deal az an oyster duz, without making enny fuss.
THE FAULT-FINDER.
Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov human critters are alwuss full ov self consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old-bachelor, for instanze, odars a pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the trane, and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don’t believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus it under protess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing, and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I never maik their ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sumboddy’s small pox, bekause i am a looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder! if yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and 332 if yu jine in with them yu onla maik them mad with them selfs.
I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good luk. The more i think ov it, the more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much like bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny eels.
Thare are many singular beins in this world, but i fancy the singularest are the spinsters.
JOSH AND THE BORDER INJUN.
Yu inform me, mi dear sir, that yu are a member ov the sosiety “for the prevenshun ov kruelty tew animiles.”
Allow me tew simpathize with yu, bi saying, that i am glad ov it.
It iz a nobel institushun, and stands ahed ov the prevenshun ov kruelty tew humans.
333It iz a fakt, that thoze who are kind tew animiles, are kind tew humans.
I am not acquainted with Mr. Bergh, the president ov yure assosiashun, whom yu speak ov so kindly, i dont kno him personally, but i kno him at a distance, he is very tall.
In yure letter tew me, yu speak very tenderly about the Injuns, and ask me, “if thare aint sum way, tew alleviate the condishun ov the nobel red man on our frontier.”
Yu say yu are willing tew bekum a missionary, and go amung them, and labur for their good.
The injun, mi dear sir, iz a pekuliar kuss.
He haz the most ardent simpathizers amung thoze who dont kno him the muchest.
In the komposishun ov the skool girl, the injun maiden bekums a brik, and when the boys speak about him, they speak ov his bo and arrows, and hiz nobel natur.
Most people kno the injun from the Hiawatha stand point, but i git mi informashun from the kritter himself.
I dont liv amungst him now, but in the early years ov mi misfortunes, in this latitude, i bekum striktly acquainted with the nobel injun az he iz, not so mutch az he ought tew be, nor az poets hav tost him up.
I hav saw him in hiz natiff buty at home, and hav mi opinyun ov him, which i am willing tew impart tew yu, at fust cost.
Mi advice tew yu, iz tew stay with Mr. Bergh, and stick tew the stage hoss, and make him az comfortable az yu kan, and not waste enny philanthropy, nor hallelujah, on the border injun.
Thare ain’t a more villainous individual, now loafing around loose, on the footstool, than Mr. Lo, the injun.
The minnit an injun bekums what yu kall civilized, that minnit he iz spilte.
A civilized injun aint ov enny more use tew himself, az a means ov grace, nor ennyboddy else, than a tame deer.
If thare could be found an iland, in the depths of the sea, whare it waz sure, no white man, nor blak man, nor blue man, 334 would ever go, it mite do tew stock it, with the injuns now residing on our border, and let them civilize each other.
I am willing tew admit, thare iz a difference in the various tribes ov injuns.
Sum are wuss than others, but civilizashun haz never been ov enny uze tew an injun.
If yu ask enny border man, one who knos the kritters, he will tell yu the same story.
Sunday skools are a good place tew learn the katekism, and git the hang ov the 10 commandments, but tew kno the injun, mi dear sir, yu must go amungst him.
Yu kant studdy injun, and lay around a meeting house all the time, i am sorry for this, but i dont konsider that i am tew blame for it.
As i sed above, stick tew the omnibust hoss, he iz, in mi opinyun, a more fit, and better paying investment, for yure kindness, than the best Blackfeet injun thare iz now in the rocky mountains.
If yu should go amungst this tribe, az a fust class missionary, yu mite eskape with yure life, and possibly with yure skalp, if yu did, you would have sumthing tew brag ov, the rest ov yure life.
The grate trubble iz, the injun wont larn the virtews ov civilizashun, he iz satisfied with larning the vices, and only studdiz how tew improve on them.
Kruelty, and deceit, are the leading artikles in an injuns natur, and yu mite az well undertaik tew break the wiggle out ov a snaix, or the sting out ov a hornet, az tew git theze two vices out ov enny specimen ov human natur, when they form the basis ov karakter.
Kindness towards an injun, is no gurantee ov safety.
When yu are amungst injuns, keep yure hand on yure revolver, and yure eye over yure shoulder.
When i waz a very pretty boy, and fust began tew dwell amung romances, i red menny ov the tales, told so well, about the injun, and thought, how i would like tew be an nobel injun, and hav a wigwam, and foller the bounding deer, and 335 lay mi venson at the feet ov a dark komplekted buty, and several more things, ov this prerswashun, but sum years after, i found miself on the trail, and had all the injun poetry taken out ov me, never more tew cum back.
I dont wish tew hurt ennyboddys aktual pheelings, who have made up their minds, that the injun iz a nobel kritter, but i will say tew them, stay at home, and enjoy yure sentiments.
Dont go amung the nobel red man, now on our frontier, but stay at home, and write sum stanzas about him, and civilize him at a distance.
I hav never had but one plan tew civilize the injun, since i hav got old enuff tew do him enny good, and this plan iz more unique, than elegant.
Mi plan iz simpli thus,—let the government offer 10 dollars for every injun civilized, and let the proof ov civilizashun be the hair ov the injuns head, with the skin attached tew it.
Now menny folks will hold up their hands, in number one horror, at this plan, but i will bet on the plan.
This iz the only way tew civilize the kind ov injun that i am a talking ov, and not hav tew do the work over agin.
I dont klaim tew be the original pattentee ov this plan ov civilizashun, sumthing like it occurred in the palmy daze ov Noah, when the best plan for civilizashun, that could be thought ov, waz tew wipe out the whole race ov human beings and make sum more.
336This iz mi plan, for noble red men, on the frontier, wipe them out, but here i pauze, i say, dont make enny more.
Try sum other breed ov human kritter.
Mi opinyun, mi dear sir, about the missionary bizzness, haz alwus bin, that it iz a profitable bizzness, well followed, but thare iz several good ways tew do it, and several good men tew invest in the undertaking.
Sum are kalkulated tew make the good better, sum are kalkulated tew make the better almost perfekt, but thare aint but phew, ov the right bore, kalkulated tew work in the vineyard ov the wild border savage, and thoze, are theze, whoze piety konsists, in shooting at a mark, and hitting the bull’s eye every time.
I say once more, mi friend, stick to the omnibust hoss, and let thoze missionarys, on the borders, the skalps ov whoze wifes, and children, are now hung up az trophys in the wigwams ov the nobel red man, let them civilize the injuns.
They will do it so that it will stay did.
I am the last man tew throw enny thing in the way ov yure gitting a good job, espeshily in the missionary bizzness, but i kant reckomend enny man, tew this partikular situashun, unless i kno he understands the use ov a gain twist rifle, and kan civilize a Pawnee, every time, 440 yards, with a cross wind.
THE CUNNING MAN.
Cunning iz often took for wisdum, but it iz the mere skum that rizes when wisdum biles her pot, it hath not the stride ov wisdum, neither haz it the honesty ov wisdum, it iz more like instinkt, than it iz like reazon.
Cunning ain’t good at begetting, it iz better at executing, it iz like the wisdum ov a kat, fust rate tew watch a rat hole.
The cunning man haz two virtues alwus prominent, patience, and energy, without these he would fall below the kat, and fail tew git hiz mouse.
337Thare iz lots ov cunning men who are like an unskillful trapper, who knows how tew set a trap, but hain’t got the wisdum tew bait it.
Cunning men alwus hav a speciality, such az it iz, i hav seen them who could ride a mule tew a spot, but who set a hoss awkwardly.
Thare iz this average between a cunning man and a wise man, the cunning man’s wisdum iz alwus on the outside ov hiz face, he kant hide it, it iz alwus squirting out ov the corner ov his eyes, while the wize man carrys hiz grist deep, stowed away in hiz heart, and don’t use hiz wisdum tew find ockasions, but tew master them, when they pop up.
Cunning men have grate caution, bekauze they serpoze themselfs watched, inasmutch az they are alwus watching others.
They hav but few brains, but what they hav, are petroleum, and their brains being few, and greasy, enables them tew fetch them tew a focus sudden.
It iz hard work to be very cunning and very honest, at the same time, i reckon this, bekauze i dont see the two hugging and kissing each other very much.
Cunning haz a skandalous pedigree, he iz the babe ov wisdum, and Fraud, and iz the only child they ever had, but looks and ackts just like his ma.
It would take a big book tew make an almanack ov a cunning man, and the changes in him, fits, starts, and doubles, and hiz windings, hiz in’s and hiz outs, the parables in which he talks, and the double entenders ov hiz face, awl that he duz, and awl that he thinks, are for effekt.
Cunning men’s advice iz hard tew follow, bekause their wisdum iz made like a bed quilt, out ov patches, and iz also composed ov shifts, for the emergincy ov an ockasion, tew mutch for a stiddy diet.
If you don’t understand wiggling yourself, or the rudiments ov it, yu must not git yure advice from the cunning man.
Cunning haz alwus passed for wisdum, and will continue 338 on to do so, az long az phools last, and phools will last az long az enny boddy else duz, and sustane their reputashun.
Cunning iz alwus selfish, bekauze it iz not ov mutch breadth, while wisdum can afford tew be magnanimous, and hav sumthing left over.
But the ways and dodges ov cunning are past finding out, yu might az well undertake tew track a snake in the grass, when the dew iz off, or a fox, in a straight line tew hiz hole.
Cunning men are not very dangerous, they hav so mutch vanity, and their vanity satisfied their ambition iz, and when vanity takes the place ov ambishun, we are more amuzed than alarmed.
Cunning men, in the hands ov wize men, are useful, more useful, quite often, than honesty, bekauze they are more sudden, and less sempelous.
It is safer tew entrust a sekret tew a cunning man, than a clever man, the clever man is sure tew spill it, the cunning one may use it aginst yu, but he iz eazier tew watch, and control, than the good natured fellow, who, like a young pup, lays down, rools over, and wags himself in front ov evry man he meets.
Cunning men hav manny associates, but few intimates, they sumtimes hunt in couples, but are apt tew fight, when they cum to divide the plunder.
The Deceitful Cuss.—An open enemy, a hearty hater, a bold dead-beater, an imperious friend, a phoolish chum, a reckless companyun, anything in shape ov human, or ov brute, and even aul things devlish, are mince pies with raizins in them, compared tew a slipping, sneaking Deceit, who, under the guize and garments ov being in love with you, chaws tobbaker out ov yure box, and lies tew yu evry time he tells yu the truth.
Theze human polecats are thick in this world, their eyes are like the kats, made tew see in the dark, they hav the face ov a sheep, and the heart ov a snaik, they kan kry at an impromptu christening, they are az full ov cunning az a she opposum, and would rather fail in an enterprise than to do it honestly.
339These critters, az awkward as it may seem, are full ov vanity and ambishun, and their vanity and ambishun iz tew play lion under a sheep’s skin.
It iz a strange ambishun that a man will cultivate wisdum only for the sake ov being cunning, that he will perfect himself in the art and imagery of love and friendship for the sake ov counterfitting them, that he will studdy pitty for gain, that he will work hard for the devil at 2 shillings a day, and finally, that he will practiss the rudiments ov awl the virtews ov soshul life, simply for the sake ov doing with a good grace what iz shameful and wicked to do at all.
I hav known men ov this brand, who where not wholly malishus, who would aktually dew yu a good turn to-morrow if they could cheat yu to-day, who deceive not entirely for gain, but tew keep their tools whet, who hav sum excellent traits, which sumtimes drop out seemingly by mistake.
But a natral crook toward deception iz like the bight ov a mad dogg, it may sleep for a long time in the veins ov its viktim, very well behaved pizen, watching for a good time, but sooner or later, when least expekted, the virus begins tew play dorg by asserting its dredful prerogative.
It don’t cure theze vermin tew ketch them, if they waz rats, which we could drown in the trap, it would be bully, but letting them go only makes them the more cunning.
Deception iz one ov the sciences, it haz its deakons, elders and hod carriers, the world swarms with them, all ov the pimps among them, such az the wodden nutmeg makers, and the small beer-cheats, we kan punish enuff by dispising, but what reward, short ov the gibbet, or at least the whipping post, iz equal tew the villainous cuss who creeps on hiz body into yure confidense, a subdued and shivering snake, and warms up into a viper.
Ingratitude iz one ov them diabolikal crimes that awl men hate, but leave the punishment to heaven.
The Domestik Man iz ov a maskuline and feminine tendency—half and half—and sumtimes more so.
He kan most generally be found at home—when he aint wanted.
340He iz a kind ov second lutennant in hiz family, under haff pay, with promiss of promoshun.
He kan beat hiz wife bileing soap, or nussing the baby, and she kan beat him, in the 4th ward, running for perlice constabel.
He iz alwus reddy tew do ennything—when hiz wife iz.
He iz a kind ov spy in the household, and iz treated az such by the whole family. The servants laff at him, and the children dont fear him.
He iz az fierce as an old hen setting on one egg, and just about az dangerous.
Hiz wife marrid him, not out ov love, but out ov pitty; and pitty never changes into respekt, but gennerally into disgust.
The Generous Man.—Generosity iz an instinkt—a kind ov natral crook—a weird child ov the heart.
It iz diffrent from profusion; profusion iz most alwus the decoy duck ov vanity.
Generosity iz diffrent from charity; charity iz the impulse ov reason.
It iz diffrent from justiss—justiss iz 16 ounces tew the pound, and no more.
Generosity iz sumthing more than justiss, and sumthing less than profusion; it iz the good a man duz, without being able tew give enny reazon for it.
If a man iz alwus genrous he will alwus be right, or will hav a good excuse for what seems tew be wrong.
Generosity iz bravery, and it iz truth: no one ever saw a generous man who waz a coward or a liar.
Generosity sumtimes may lack prudence, but it never lacks faith, and faith haz won holier laurels than prudence ever did.
The generous man chastens hiz gifts with the assurance that the giver iz az happy in the gift az the receiver iz.
He takes the fust swaller out ov the dipper, and smacking hiz lips, insists upon your drinking the balance awl up.
Poverty haz no power over generosity enny more than it haz over love.
341This iz my idee ov the kind ov generosity that I am writing about.
FREQUENT KRITTERS.
THE LOAFER.
The loafer iz a human being who iz willing tew be dispized just for the privilege ov abuzing others.
He occupys all grades in sosiety, from the judge on the bench klean doun to the ragged thing in britches who leans aginst a lamp-post and fites flys in August.
FREQUENT KRITTERS.
He haz hiz circle ov friends, whare hiz koarse jests are re-echoed, and whare to be in hiz konfidence iz konsidered an honor.
He iz not alwus destitute ov kommon sense, and quite often iz the author ov jests which pass upon the unwary for humor and even wit.
He haz no pride that is worthy, and haz no delikasy that enny boddy kan hurt.
During hiz boyhood he kills kats and sells their hides to the hatters, and robs all the hens’ nests and arly apple trees in the naborhood.
During hiz middle life he begs all the tobacco he uses, and drinks all the cheap whisky he kan at sumboddy else’s expense.
During hiz old age he winters in the alms-houses, and summers in the sugar hogsheds, and when he comes tew die he iz 342 buried in a dich, like an omnibus hoss, with hiz old shoes on.
This iz a trew ackount ov the life and adventures ov the ordinary loafer, and yet there are thousands ov human kritters coming onto the platform ov life every six months whoze only ambishun iz to be successful loafers.
The loafer kares nothing for publik opinyun, and this alone, will make any man a loafer.
The loafer rather covets disgrace ov all kinds, and when a man gits az low down az this, he haz got az low down az he kan git without digging.
THE PROJEKTOR.
The projektor iz a man with one idee, and that idee iz often like a paving stun, the hardest kind ov a thing tew hatch out, and when it iz hatched out, yu kan’t alwus tell what kind ov a breed the thing iz.
He haz been bizzy at work for the last 4 thousand years trieing tew bild perpetual moshun, and haz cum within 3 quarters ov an inch ov it sevral times, but alwus slips up jist az he reaches out tew grab it.
He haz dun sum dredful good things for mankind, but too often iz ov no more use in the world, than an extra pump iz.
The projektor iz alwus a man ov genius, but hiz genius iz frequently like the genius ov a goose, thare ain’t no one kan beat them at standing on one legg.
I hav known theze breed ov pholks tew drag out a long life, richer in their own estimashun than Crœsus, and poorer in the opinyun ov others than Lazarus.
They seldum reap enny gain from their invenshuns, and if ever they do diskover perpetual moshun, they will sell the principle tew sum kunning kuss, for 17 or 18 dollars, and starve tew death on the glory ov it.
I hav known several ov these poor phellows in mi life, and only knew them tew pitty them, for they are az tender, all over, az spring lam, and az eazy tew cheat az a blind baby.
I hav a friend who iz a projektor. I kant tell what partikular pholly he iz at work at now, but sum one I am sure, for 343 thare aint on the whole arth, a more bizzy kritter than the man, who iz sure that to-morrow will put the finishing touches tew hiz pattent rite plan, for threading the rong end ov a kambrik needle, or his resipee for making soft sope out ov calfs liver.
But we kant spare the projektors, all that we can hope for iz, that too menny ov them wont spend a whole life in making a juse harp that will play Yankee doodle backwards, and finally die, and leave the tune haff finished.
THE KONDEM PHOOL.
Thare iz two kinds ov phools, at the date ov this article, laying around loose in the world, one iz the natral, and the other iz the kondem.
Thare iz sum other kind ov phools besides these, which I shall tutch lightly before I git thru.
The natral phool kant help it, he iz born like the daizy, bi the side ov the road, just to nod, and to be sport for the winds.
He haz no destiny to phill, that we know ov, but hiz Heavenly Father will care for him, for He cares for the koarse weed and the rank thissell.
The kondem phool iz a self-made man, and iz entitled tew all the credit ov the job.
Natur turns him out loose into the world, jist as she duz her other works, with all hiz fakultys in good order, but like a ram in a bak lot, he undertaiks tew knok down a stun fence with hiz head, and finds the stun fence too much for the ockashun.
He often haz a hed phull ov branes, but like a swarm ov beeze, they keep up sich a buzzing they bewilder him.
The kondem phool generally lacks but one thing tew make him all the the suckcess he could ask for, and that one thing iz common sense.
Common sense iz all greek tew these kind ov phellows, they kan often rite poetry that reads az smooth and sweet az ile and molassis mixt together, and kan even deliver lekturs all around the kuntry, but one dose ov common sense would 344 take all the starch out ov them, and leave them az limpsey az the nek ov a ded goslin.
The kondem phool iz the kauze ov most all trubble thare iz in this world, he ain’t alwus malishus, but iz alwus a phool.
I divide the populashun ov the whole world into 2 heaps, and out ov respect for the parable ov the virgins in the bible, i call 5 ov them wize and 5 ov them foolish.
It is verry easy tew be a kondem phool, enny boddy kan be one, and not suspekt it.
Thare iz a large invoice ov phools just now pressing upon the market, but the market for them iz stiddy, the demand alwus being phull up tew the supply.
I rekolekt ov onst saying, upon a memorabel ockashun, (i dont rekolek the ockashun now,) God bless the phools, and don’t let them run out, for if it want for them, the rest ov the world would be bothered tew git a good living.
Among the list ov prominent phools, i take the liberty tew introduce the following:
The “Profeshional Phool,” one who travels for a living.
The “Wag Phool,” one who is a phool on private ackount.
The “Bizzness Phool,” one who either Bulls or Bears everything in the market.
The “Radikal Phool,” one who kant help it.
The “Conservatiff Phool,” one who kan help it, but wont.
The “Meek Phool,” one who sez he prefers kodphish bawls to porterhous stakes, or even quales on toast.
The “Hipreshure Phool,” one who, like the hornet, alwus keeps mad in advance, so az tew be reddy for the ockashun.
The “Silly Phool,” one who thinks the whole civilized world iz in luv with him.
The “Wise Phool,” one who thinks he knoze all things, and luvs everyboddy.
And four thousand, 3 hundred and 36 other distinkt kinds ov phools, which i haint got the pashunce tew elucidate now.
THE PRECISE MAN.
The “Precise Man,” sumtimes parts hiz hare in the middle, And when he duz, he kounts the hairs on each side ov hiz hed, 345 and splits sum, if it iz necessary, tew make the thing ded even.
If he iz a marrid man, everything must be jist so—if he iz a bachelor it must be more so.
He alwus sets a hen on 12 eggs, and haz a grate horror for all odd numbers.
He gits up at jist sitch a time in the morning, and goes tew bed at jist sitch a time at night, and would as soon think ov taking a dose ov striknine for the hikcups az tew kut oph a dogs tale when the moon waz in the laste quarter.
The precise man haz but phew branes, and they are az well broke az a setter dog’s, for he seldum makes a false point.
He iz a bundle of fakts and figgers, and iz az handy in the naberhood az a pair ov platform skales or a reddy rekoner.
He iz invariably an honest man, but often az mutch from pride az from principle.
He luvs hiz children, if he haz any, and would rather hav them perfekt in the multiplikashun table than in the Illiad ov Homer.
Hiz wife iz soon broke tew akt and think az he duz, and she iz known fur and near for the excellence ov her softe sope.
The laste thing he alwus duz Saturday night iz tew grease hiz boots, and the fust thing Sunday morning iz tew wind up the old wodden klok in the kitchen.
He iz generally respekted during life, and after he iz ded and gone hiz children keep his fame fresh by pointing out with pride the korner whare his kane alwus stood and peg whare his hat alwus hung.
INDIVIDUAL FOLKS.
THE OBTUSE MAN.
The obtuse man iz sawed off square at both ends, and iron bound like a beetle.
He finds out the hard spot in things by running aginst 346 them, and like the merino ram, shuts up both eyes when he butts.
It iz az hard tew git an idee into him az it iz tew git a wedge into a pepperidge log.
He alwus sez “Yes” to what he don’t understand, and iz az hard tew argy out ov a conceit az a dog iz out ov a bone.
He often sets himself up for a wise man, and sumtimes a wit, but i never knu one tew think he waz a bore.
He goes thru life hed fust, and when he cums tew die he iz az well seasoned az a foot-ball.
If he waz a going tew liv hiz life over again, he tells yu, he wouldn’t alter it, only he would eat more raw onions and be a hard-shell baptist.
Every man remembers him az a man too stubborn tew be very viscious, with a few ideas, sum ov which he inherited, but most ov which he got by sleeping with hiz mouth wide open.
THE POSATIFF MAN.
The posatiff man bets hiz last dollar on a kard and looses, and then tells yu he knew he shouldn’t win.
He alwus knows what will happen 3 weeks from now, and if it don’t happen he knew that too.
If he falls down on the ice and breaks hiz leg it want an accident, it waz sumthing that couldn’t help but happen.
He iz az certain ov everything az a mule iz anxious tew hit what he kicks at.
Yu kant tell him ennything new, nor ennything old, he iz more certain ov things than Webster’s unabridged dickshionary.
The less certain yu are the more posatiff he iz.
He never made but one blunder in hiz life and that turned out at last tew be a good hit.
The posatiff man haz too little cunning tew be very malishus, he iz generally happy, bekauze he iz posatiff ov it, and tho he gits things wrong oftner than he duz right, people are pleazed at hiz blunders bekauze he iz so much in earnest.
347THE CROSS MAN.
The cross man goes thru life like a sore-headed dog, followed by flies.
He iz az sour az a pot-bellyed pickle, and like a skein of silk, iz alwus reddy for a snarl.
He iz like an old hornet, mad all the way through, but about what, he kan’t tell, tew save hiz life.
Everyboddy at home fears him, and everyboddy in the street dispizes him.
He mistakes sullenness for bravery, and bekauze he feels savage, everyboddy else must feel humble.
Thare iz no grater coward in the world than the cross man, nor none eazyer tew kure.
He iz eazyer tew kure than the stummuk ake, for one good knok down will do so.
THE PASHUNT MAN.
The pashunt man never sez “dam it,” however much he may think so.
He iz so well-ballanced that it takes at least fifty pounds ov musketeze tew turn hiz skales.
He kan’t tell yu what makes him so pashunt if yu ask him; it may be nothing but numbness after all.
Pashunce iz like enny other virtew, its value konsists in its power tew resist temptashun.
It ain’t but little trubble for a graven image tew be pashunt, not even in fly time.
Real pashunce stands amung the virtews, like genius amung the gifts; in fakt, pashunce, iz the genius ov virtew.
The best thing i kno ov, tew try a man’s pashunce on, iz a kicking heifer, if he finds himself praying for the heifer every time she kicks, he haz got pashunce on the heart, and brain both.
THE FUNNY MAN.
The funny man kan’t open hiz mouth without letting a joke fly out, like ginger pop, when the kork iz pulled out.
348Thare iz no genuine wit in the simply funny man, hiz only desire iz tew make yu laff, and real wit don’t stoop so low.
The funny man’s jokes are at best only jests, sumtimes he reaches tew the dignity ov a poor pun, and hiz vanity then absorbs all hiz humor.
It iz an awful thing tew be a funny man, it iz almost az dredful az the counterfiting bizzness.
Thare iz no stattue aginst joking, but thare ought tew be, not that I think a good joke iz criminal, but they are so scarce, they are suspicious. I am the last man who wants tew see enny real wit leave this world, for i think genuine wit, iz az good az religion.
THE HONEST MAN.
Honest men are skarse, and are a going tew be skarser.
Thare grate scarsity iz what makes them valuable.
If every boddy waz honest, the supply would ruin the demand.
Honesty iz like money, a man haz tew work hard tew git it, and then work harder tew keep it.
Adam waz the fust honest man we hav enny ackount ov, and hiz honesty want ov mutch ackount.
You couldn’t put yure finger on Adam, for in the garden ov Eden, when he waz wanted, he couldn’t be found.
Old deakon Skinner, ov lower Pordunk village, waz an honest man, he wouldn’t hunt for hen’s eggs on sunday, but he waz an awful cluss man, he set a hen once, on three eggs, just tew save eggs.
PECULIAR ONES.
THE SQUARE MAN.
The square man meazzures the same each way, and haint got no wainny edges, nor shaky lumber in him.
He is free from knots and sap, and won’t warp.
349He iz klear stuff, and I don’t kare what yu work him up into, he won’t swell, and he won’t shrink.
PECULIAR ONES.
He is amungst men what good kil-dried boards are amung carpenters, he won’t season-krack.
It don’t make enny difference which side ov him yu cum up to, he iz the same biggness each way, and the only way tew git at him, enny how, is tew face him.
He knows he iz square, and never spends enny time trieing tew prove it.
The square man iz one ov the best-shaped men the world haz ever produced, he iz one of them kind ov chunks that yu kant alter tew fit a spot, but yu must alter the spot tew fit him.
THE OBLONG MAN.
The oblong man alwus meazzures more one way than he duz the tuther, and yu have got tew meazzure him every time yu want tew use him.
The shortest way ov him to-day may be the longest way to-morrow.
He ain’t alwus a bad man by enny means, he iz often only unfortunate, and he haz been heard frequently tew say, that he iz sorry that he waz bilt so.
Sum ov the smartest men in kreashun are oblong, and will fit most enny kind ov a spot with a very little altering.
350THE PERPINDIKLAR MAN.
The perpindiklar man iz half-brother tew the square man, and iz az uprite az a lamp-post.
He iz a dredful good kind ov a man tew hav laying around loose, and he haint got but one fault, or rather misfortin, and that iz, he is so stiff he kant dodge good.
I don’t like tew see a man dodge everything, but thare are things in this world that are cheaper tew dodge than tew buk aginst.
I like the up and down, perpendiklar man, yu kan alwus git at the solid kontents ov him, by just multiplying him by himself.
THE LIMBER MAN.
The limber man iz a kind ov injun rubber specimint ov humanity, who kant tell himself how fur he kan stretch without breaking.
He iz reddy tew stretch, or be stretched, and tho he flies bak sumtimes tew the old spot, he quite az often snaps off in such a bad place that he kant be mended agin.
Limber men aint alwus malishus, but they are az hard to manage az a greased pig, take a holt ov them whare yu will, yu find them pizon slippery.
Limber men are rather wuss than wicked ones, for they kant even tell themselfs what they are going tew do next.
When a limber man douz git tew going wrong, he iz like a blind mule, when he gits tew kicking, yu aint safe nowhare.
Limber men dont alwus lak kapacity, it would perhaps be better if they did, for a still phool iz one ov the safest people we hav.
THE JOLLY MAN.
Jolly men are most alwus good men.
It iz dredful eazy tew mistake spasmodik hilarity for good natur.
I have seen men who were called jolly good fellows who were az treacherous in their joy az a kat iz.
351Yu will alwus notiss one thing, when a kat purrs the most, she haz just thought ov sum new kind ov deviltry.
I kno ov no vice in genuine jollity.
When a man iz jolly all over, he iz too happy and kareless tew be vicious.
I hav seen people who could laff long and loud, but thare was no more good nature in it than thare iz grief in a hyena when they imitate the wail of an infant.
’Tis true we kant alwuss tell about theze things, but if we watch a man all summer, and hang around him all winter, when spring cums agin we ought tew be able tew guess whether the laff that iz in him iz the aroma ov hiz good natur, or iz only the aroma ov the hikkups.
THE PEWTER MAN.
The pewter man takes hiz name from the old-fashioned pewter spoon, made out ov cheap material, impossible tew keep bright long, eazy tew take impreshuns from almost enny thing, and no more ring tew it than thare iz tew a bogus haff dollar.
Puter men are mighty common here on earth, not only kommon bekauze they are plenty, but kommon bekauze they don’t amount tew mutch.
They ain’t exactly phools; if they was, we could deskribe them better.
They are like bass wood punkin seeds, and white oak whetstuns, in a well-stocked kuntry store, kind ov necessary, tew keep up the assortment.
They never do enny thing verry good or verry bad, and go thru life a good deal az a boy goes tew distrikt skool, in green-apple time, jist bekauze he haz got to.
THE FITEING MAN.
The fiteing man iz a kind ov human bull tarrier, with a jaw on him like a wolf trap that haz just been sprung.
He haz a low, sour forehead, a beefy neck, a small eye, and an ugly pug noze.
352Hiz intelligence konsists in knowing how tew maul another human being, able tew take it in return, and not kno it.
All hiz ideas ov honor are governed bi the code which calls it dishonorable to puntch a man belo the belt.
Hiz grate ambishun in life iz tew win a phew bloody fights, and then end hiz daze az the proprietor ov a gin mill, with hiz name and infamy hung up in gilt letters over hiz bar.
He iz a rank koward bi natur, and never fought a battle yet in which he did not expekt hiz low cunning would enable him tew outwit hiz adversary.
THE PRECISE MAN.
The precise man weighs just 16 ounces tew the pounds, and meazzures just 36 inches tew the yard.
He iz more partiklar about being just so, then he iz about being right.
Hiz blunders, if he ever makes enny, are all kronik, and kant be kured.
He iz most alwus what we kall a virtewous man at heart, but thare iz no logik kan make him alter hiz mind.
He iz az exact in hiz way az a kompass.
He knows the year, the month, the day ov the week, and sumtimes the very hour that enny important event took place.
He kan tell yu the exact age ov every old maid in the naborhood, and kan rekollekt distinkly ov hearing hiz grate-grandfather tell what sort ov a kloud it waz that the lightning cum out ov that struck the steeple ov the Presbeterian church, and knoked the weathercock on it into the shape ov a cocked hat.
The precise man iz a mere bundle ov fakts, figures, and trifling incidents, which are ov the utmost importance tew him, but not ov mutch use tew ennyboddy else.
He iz just about az mutch consequentz whare he livs az a last year’s Farmers’ Allminax.
He is az set in hiz ways az an old goose trieing tew hatch out a glass egg.
353COQUETT AND PRUDE.
Menny essays hav bin writ on the natur ov woman, setting forth her aspirashuns, her genius, her impulses, the delikate mechanicks ov her pashuns, the aroma ov her heart, the soft leading strings ov her dispisishun, the cast iron fortitude ov her resolves, and the lurid glare ov her love and her hate.
I hav read menny ov these, only tew be more solid in mi long cultivated opinyun, that woman and her character in the lump, iz like the ranebo in the East, butiful beyond language, full ov promis and impossible tew paint.
In mi philosophy, rude and untutored, i call woman the lesser light, the moon, gentle as an angel, stealing softly along the buzzum ov the skey on an errand ov love, light for the hour ov darkness, pashunt watcher while the world sleeps, queen ov the night, jeweled with stars.
I compare woman to a vine full ov tendrils, which can’t reach perfection without a pole to climb, and then often mounting far above the pole.
Man i call the sun, filling the earth with phrenzy, woman the moon, that chastens the twilight, and steals through the lattice to play on the hearth-stone.
Each one haz their sphear, and the loss ov either would be the blotting out ov the sun, or the moon.
Each one haz their appointment, which should not be changed.
When the moon gits between the earth and the sun, then we alwus have an eclipse. I beleave that a kind Providence, the arktekt ov men, monkeys and things, haz given me and mi wife two paths to travell, side by side, and both ending at the same goal.
Sum think that the lives ov the sexes are a mere competition, that what one iz both may be, i shall beleave this when the roze bush bears butternuts and the thistle sheds perfume.
Amung charakteristicks so butiful, it would be strange if we shouldn’t find a variety, sum even that are unlovely, 354 for perfeckshun don’t inhabit this world, not even in the disguize ov a woman.
Thare is two patches in the paradise ov the female garden, that is devoted to the culture of two funny, and very contrary vegatables, one is lokated in the south east corner of the heart, and the other at the northern, or frigid end.
COQUETT AND PRUDE.
The southern crop is coquetry, and the northern one is prudery.
Sumtimes these patches are cultivated more assidiously, to the neglekt ov awl the rest, and form the staple crop of the heart.
Coquetry is the cussidness ov an artful pashun, that feels its oats just enuff to want to kick up all the time, and don’t seem to care who gits hurt.
It lays in wait, in its butiful wrought net, like a spider for its viktim, and seems to take more fun in ketching a fly, than in keeping him.
355A coquett is a good deal like a rare bush, in the springtime of life it is full of flowers, and in the fall, full of thorns.
Thare are sum blossoms that are fore-runners of fruit, but the fragrant glory of a coquett is not of this breed.
This pashun iz like avarice, it eats up all the other good ones, and spends its old age, racked with the horrors of an ill digestion. Coquetts are generally long lived, faded emblems of viktorys without honour, mournful az a cypruss, chanting their own dirges.
Prudery iz nothing more than the tropikal fruits of the hearts gardens raized at the north end ov it, prudes, and coquets, are the extremes of the same pashuns, and the philosophers tell us, that “extremes meet.” A prude skorns tew make a conquest, not upon principle, but bekause she kant, she hates a man with her love.
A prude iz nothing more than an ill looking coquet, give the prude buty, and yer have got a coquet, and the bitterest prudes the world ever saw, are the old, and battle worn coquets, who are too decrepid to take the field.
Coquets, and prudes, ought tew be compelled to hunt in couples, so that when the coquet haz wounded the game, the prude kan nuss the dieing viktim.
But prudes and coquetts never agree; two ov a trade seldom do. Both ov these pashuns are disgusting, and the old age ov both iz bitterness.
Prudery iz the remorse ov cunning that haz been foiled; and coquettry seems to be the abandon ov art and buty.
Prudes owe mutch ov their success to their inability to find enny temptashuns, and coquetts are made more viscious by flatterys.
But a true woman dont cultivate neither ov these patches in her heart; the ever elegant perceptions ov her instincts teaches her not to take up the sword ov the coquett, nor the remorseless pruning-hook of the prude.
It seems to me, the more that I gaze at it, that a prude iz nothing more than a coquett gone to seed.
I would rather be a coquett than a prude; thare iz some 356 fun in it—thare is viktory in it; while prudery, at best, iz only a defeat in an inglorious cauze.
Coquetts sumtimes git marrid, but they are az hard to tame az a patridge, and aint worth enny more after they are tamed, besides being a heap more jealous than a mother-in-law to their daughters; while a prude, for a wife, iz but the bluest kind ov a school-marm at home on a furlough.
In conclusion, I would say, in all kindness, to the coquetts, that they seldom hav but one fust-class man in their nets; all that they bag afterward are of the same breed az themselves; and to the prudes I would suggest that wimmin are growing more plenty every year, and that thare are but few ov them, who insist upon it, that will pay the wear and tear ov a humiliating and laborious siege.
FOLKS WE ALL KNO.
THE EFFEMINATE MAN.
The effeminate man is a weak poultiss.
He is a kross between root beer and ginger pop with the cork left out ov the bottle over night.
He is a fresh water mermaid lost in a cow pastur, with his hands filled with dandylions.
He is a tea-kup full of whipped sillybub—a kitten in pantylets—a sick monkey with a blonde mustash.
He is a vine without enny tendrills—a fly drowned in sweet ile—a paper kite in a ded calm.
He lives as the butterflise do—noboddy kan tell whi. He is as harmless as a cent’s wuth ov spruce gum, and as useless as a shirt button without enny button-hole.
He is as lazy as a bread-pill, and has no more hope than a last year’s grasshopper.
He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny gissard.
357He goes thru life on his tiptose, and dies like colone water spilt on the ground.
THE JEALOUS MAN.
The Jealous Man iz alwus a-hunting.
He is alwus a-hunting for sumthing that he don’t expeckt tew find, and after he haz found it then he iz mad bekauze he haz.
Theze fellers don’t beleaf in spooks, and yet they are about the only folks who ever see enny. A jealous man iz alwus happy, jist in perposhun az he iz mizerable.
Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea sickness—dreadful sick and kan’t vomit.
THE ANONYMOUS MAN.
The Anonymous Man boards at a red tavern, and pays for hiz board bi tending bar occasionly. He hain’t got any more karakter than the jack ov spades haz, when it ain’t trumps.
He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices.
He rides on the box, once in a while, with the driver, and noboddy thinks ov asking him for hiz stage fare.
He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the desert ov Sarah.
He sprung from a respektable family; his great grandfather woz a justiss ov the peace; but he has not got vanity enuff tew brag on it.
He ain’t necessarily a phool, enny more than a bull’s eye watch iz; if enny boddy will wind him up, he will sett still, and run quietly down.
THE STIFF MAN.
The Stiff Man looks down, when he walks, upon folks. He don’t seem tew hav but one limber jinte in him, and that iz lokated in hiz noze.
He is a kind of maskuline turkey, on parade in a barn-yard.
He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew the muzzell, 358 and when he goes oph, makes a noize like a cannon, but don’t dew enny dammage.
I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man.
This kind ov stiff man iz verry handy tew flatter. They seem tew know they ain’t entitled tu a good artikle, and, tharefore, are satisfied with hard soap.
Thare ain’t but fu men who git stiff on what they acktually know, but most aul ov them git stiff on what they acktually feel.
Stiff men are called aristokrats, but this ain’t so. Thare ain’t no such thing as aristokrats in this country.
The country ain’t long enuff yet, unless a man haz got sum Indian in him.
Az a gen’ral thing, stiff men git mad dredful eazy, and have tew git over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks ain’t apt tew git a big skare at what they ain’t afraid ov.
Stiff man had a grandfather once, who went tew Congress from our distrikt, and thare ain’t one in the whole family that hav been able tew git limber sinse.
THE MODEL MAN.
The Model Man never disturbs a hen when she iz setting; never speaks cross tew a lost dogg; always puts a five cent shinplaster in hiz vest pockett late Saturday night, tew hav it ready Sunday morning for the church platter; rizes whenever a lady enters the street kars; remembers your uncle plainly, and asks after all the family. If he steps on a kat’s tail, is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon; reads the Phunny Phellow, and laffs bekause he kan’t help it; hooks up hiz wife’s dress, and plays hoss with the children. Never meddles with the cream on the milk pans; goes eazily of errands and cums back in seazon; attends everyboddy’s phuneral; kan always tell when the moon changes; thinks just az yu do, or the other way if you want him to; follows evry boddy’s advice but hiz own; praktices most ov the virtews without knowing it; leads the life ov a shorn lamb; gits sick after a while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew save making enny further trubble.
359The model man’s vices are not feared, nor hiz virtews respekted. He lives in the memory of the world just about az long az a pleasant day duz.
He may be called a “clever feller,” and that iz only a libel; but he will git hiz reward hereafter—when the birds get theirs.
THE NEAT PERSON.
Neatness, in my opinyun iz one ov the virtews, I hav alwus konsidered it twin sister to chastity. But while I almost worship neatness in folks, i hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew acktually make it fearful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want satisfied in being a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy uneazy who kum in kontackt with it.
When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail heds in the cellar stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks’ feet in hot water, it iz then that neatness haz bekum the tyrant of its viktim.
I hav seen individuals who wouldn’t let a tired fly light on the wall paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up the bread for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach up stairs and down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what they would hav him. I kan’t blame them for being a little lively with the cockroach, for i don’t like cockroaches miself—espeshily in mi soup.
Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az the vicktims ov extatick neatness; but they don’t seem tew do mutch after all, for they don’t get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbing it awl over agin.
If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean 360 a hole right thru the side ov the hogshed in less than 3 months.
They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning it, and the only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or making dip kandles.
THE NEAT PERSON.
They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, and go tew bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git 361 dirty. These kind ov excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell what kind ov soap will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin—very regularly laid out, but not planted yet.
If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness; but i think we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not stay but one night in a place, and i don’t think she would undertake tew skrub up the whole ov the United States ov Amerika.
OUR OLDEST INHABITANTS—TWO OF THEM.
JOHN BASCOMB.
John Bascomb iz now living in Coon Hollow, Raccoon county, State ov Iowa.
He iz 196 years old, and kan read fine print by moonlite 33 feet oph.
He remembers Gen. Washington fust rate, and once lent him 10 dollars teu buy a pair ov kaff skin boots with.
He fit in the revolushun, also in the war ov 1812, likewize in the late melee, and sez he won’t take sass now from enny man living.
He iz a hard shell baptiss by religion, and sez he will die for hiz religion.
He waz konverted 150 years ago, and thinks the hard-shell iz the tuffist religion thare iz for every day wear. He sez that one hard shell baptiss ken do more hard work on the same vittles during a hot day than 15 episkopalites.
He haz alwus used plug tobbako from a child, and sez he lernt how teu cheu bi watching a cow cheu her cud.
He haz never drunk enny intoxicating licker but whiskey, and sez that no other licker is helthy. He thinks 3 horns a day iz enuff for helth.
362He haz alwus voted the dimokratik ticket for the last 170 years, and walked, last fall, in sloppy weather, 18 miles to vote for Jim Buchanan.
He haint never seen a rale-road yet, nor a wimmin’s rite convenshun.
His gratest desire, he tells me, iz teu see Gen. Jackson, and sez that he shall go next year down teu Tennesee teu see him.
JOHN BASCOMB.
He fatted a hog last year, with hiz own hands, that weighed 636 pounds after it waz drest and well dried out. He iz very cheerful, and sez he won 7 dollars on the weight ov this hog, out ov one ov the deakons ov the hard-shell church. He deklares this teu be one ov the proudest acksidents ov hiz life, for the deakon waz known far and near az a tite kuss.
He tells me that for 90 years he haz went teu bed at just 17 minnits after 9, and haz arozen at precisely 5 o’clock the next day.
The fust thing he duz in the morning iz teu take a short drink, about 2 inches, and then for an hour before brekfasst he reads the allmanax. (I will here state that it iz “Josh Billings’ Farmers’ Almanax” that he reads.)
I asked him hiz opinyun ov gin and milk az a fertilizer. He pronounsed it bogus, and sed that the good old hard-shell drink, whiskey unadorned, waz the only speerits that never went bak on a man.
Hiz habits are simple. For brekfast he generally et four 363 slices ov psalt pork, 3 biled pertatoze, a couple ov sassagis, 5 hot bisskit, a dozen ov hard biled eggs, 2 kups ov rhye coffe, a small plate ov slapjax, sum phew pickles, and cold cabbage and vinegar, if thare waz enny left from yesterday’s dinner.
Hiz dinner waz alwus a lite one, and he seldum et ennything but sum biled mutton, sum korned beef, sum kold ham, and sum injun puddin tew top oph with.
Hiz suppers were mere nothing, and konsisted simply ov kold psalt pork, kold korned beef, kold biled mutton, and, once in a grate while, a phew slices ov kold ham, with mustard and hoss reddish.
I examined hiz hed and found that he had all the usual bumps in a remarkable state ov preservashun.
He haz a good ear for musik, and whisselled me Yankee Doodle, with variashuns.
He waz born a shumaker, but hasn’t done ennything at the trade for the last 125 years. He enjoys the best ov health, but just now he iz teething, which he tells me iz hiz 7th sett.
He iz a firm beleaver in the Darwin theory, and sez he used teu hear hiz grate-grandfather tell ov a race ov men sumwhare down on the coast ov Florida, who had sum little ov the kaudle appendix still remaining.
On the subjekt ov marriage hiz hed seems teu be ded level. He sed “that he had been married 15 times, and proposed again teu Hannah Campbell, a lady in the naberhood, who waz 28 years old.”
I asked him what he thought his chances were for obtaining the lady’s hand, and he sed “it lay between him and one Theodorus Whitney, a travelling korn doctor,” and added “if Whitney didn’t look out he would enlarge his head for him.”
Upon mi asking him what he attributed his immense life and vigor to, he sed, in a klear and distinkt voice:
“To 3 small horns ov whiskey a day, beleaving in the hard shell doktering, and voting unanimously the demokratik ticket.”
I thankt him very mutch for the informashun he had given me ov himself, and asked him if he had enny objekshun to 364 mi putting it into print, and he manifested a great desire that i should do so, not forgetting teu make special menshun ov what he had sed about enlarging Whitney’s hed for him, for he thought that would klear him out ov the naberhood.
I left John Bascomb after a deliteful visit ov four hours, and thought over teu miself, if thare waz enny two rules for long life that had been thus far diskovered that waz alike.
The more i thought ov this, the more i wished i could cum akrost Methuseler for a feu minnitts, and hear him tell how he managed.
ELIZIBETH MEACHEM.
Lib Meachem (az she iz familiarly called in the township whare she resides) iz one ov the rarest gems ov extenuated mortality that has ever been mi blessed luk teu enkounter.
She iz not so old az Bascomb bi about two years, being only about 194 years old. Next to Lot’s wife she iz the best preserved woman the world kontains.
I reached her place ov residence early in the morning, and in one minnit after i told her mi bizzness her tounge had a phull hed ov steam on, and for 3 hours it run like a stream ov quicksilver down an inklined plain.
I asked her a thousand questions at least, but not one ov them did she answer, but kept talking all the time faster than Pochahontas kan pace down hill teu saddle.
Az near az i could find out she had lived 194 years simply bekauze she couldn’t die without cutting short one ov her storys.
I asked her teu show me her tounge—I wanted to see if that member waz badly worn; but she couldn’t stop it long enuff teu sho it.
This woman haz reached her ernomus age without enny partikular habit.
She haz outlived every boddy she haz kum akrost, so far, by out-talking them.
The only subject that I could for a moment arrest the flood ov her language with, waz the fashions; but this waz a subjekt upon whitch i unfortunately wan’t mutch.
365As a last hope ov drawing her out upon sum fakts az teu her mode ov life, i tutched upon that all-absorbing topick teu both old and yung—i refer now teu matrimony.
Her fust husband it seemed, waz a carpenter, and, teu use her own words, “waz too lazy teu talk, or teu listen while she talked, and so he died.”
Her seckond husband waz a pretty good talker but a poor listener, and, tharefore, he died.
Her third husband waz a deff and dum man, and, az she remarked, “either he or she had got teu die, and the man died.”
Her fourth husband undertook teu out-talk her, and died early.
In this way she went on deskribing her husbands, 12 in all.
Az i roze teu depart i sed teu her sollemly:
“Elizabeth Meachem, yu hav been mutch marrid, and mutch an inkosolate widder—at what time ov life do yu think the marrid state ceazes teu be preferable?”
She replied:
“Yu must ask sumboddy older than i am.”
366GOOD REZOLUSHUNS FOR 1872, 1873 & 1874.
That i wont smoke enny more cigars, only at sum body else’s expense.
That i wont borry nor lend—espeshily lend.
That i will liv within mi inkum, if i hav tew git trusted tew do it.
That i will be polite tew evry boddy, except muskeeters and bed-bugs.
That i wont advise enny boddy, until i kno the kind ov advise they are anxious tew follow.
That i wont wear enny more tite boots, if i hav tew go barefoot tew do it.
That i wont eat enny more chicken soup with a one-tined fork.
That i wont swop dogs with no man, unless i kan swop two for one.
That i wont objekt tew enny man on ackount ov hiz color, unless he happens tew be blue.
That i wont sware enny, unless i am put under oath.
That i wont beleave in total depravity, only in gin at 4 shillings a gallon.
That poverty may be a blessing, but if it iz, it iz a blessing in disguise.
That i will take mi whisky hereafter straight—straight tew the gutter.
That the world owes me a living—provided i earn it.
367That i will stick tew mi taylor az long az he will stick tew me.
That i wont swop enny hosses with a deakon.
That no man shall beat me in politeness, not so long az politeness kontinues tew be az cheap az it iz now.
That i wont hav enny religious kreed miself, but will respekt every boddy else’s.
That if lovely woman smaks me on one cheek, i will turn her the other also.
That if a man kalls me a phool, i wont ask him to prove it.
That i will lead a moral life, even if i lose a good deal ov phun by it. That if a man tells me a mule wont kik, i will beleave what he sez without trieing it.
That if enny boddy loozes even a goose i will weep with him, for it iz a tuff bizness tew looze a goose.
That if i ever do git a hen that kan lay 2 eggs a day, i shall insist upon her keeping one ov the eggs on hand for a sinking phund.
That it iz no disgrace tew be bit bi a dog unless he duz it the seckond time.
That it iz just az natral tew be born ritch az poor, but it iz seldum so convenient.
That one ov the riskyest things tew straddle iz the bak ov a 60 day note.
368That the best time tew repent ov a blunder iz just before the blunder is made.
That i will try hard tew be honest, but it will be just mi darn luk tew miss it.
That i won’t grow enny kats. Spontaneous kats hav killed the bissness.
That i will love my mother-in-law if it takes all the money i kan earn tew do it.
That i beleave real good lies are gitting skarser and skarser every day.
That i will respekt publik opinyun just az long az i kan respekt myself in doing it.
That when i hear a man bragging on hiz ansestors i won’t envy him, but i will pity the ansestors.
That i wont beleave in enny ghost or ghostesses unless they weigh about 140 pounds and can eat a good square meal.
That i won’t bet on nothing, for things that require betting on, lak sumthing.
That i will brag on mi wife all the time, but i will do it silently.
That i won’t be suprised at ennything, not even tew be told that Ben Franklin waz a spendthrift, or that Lazarus died ritch.
That i will dispize most things that i see, not out ov malice, but out ov wisdum.
That i won’t hanker for happiness, but if i see enny that i think iz a bargin i will shut up one eye and go for it.
That i won’t wish i waz az pure as King David, but that i was purer than i am.
That i won’t kovet enny man’s wife, nor hiz oxen, nor hiz kornstalks, nor the color ov hiz mustash.
That i will laff every good chance i kan git, whether it makes me gro phatt or not.
Finally, i will sarch for things that are little, for things that are lonesum, avoiding all torch lite proseshuns, bands ov brass music, Wimmins’ rights convenshuns and grass widders generally.
369MY FUST GONG.
I never kan eradicate holy from mi memry the sound ov the first gong I ever herd—i was setting on the frunt stupe ov a tavern in the sitty ov Bufferlo, pensively a smokin.
The sun was a goin tu bed, and the heavens fur and nere was blushing at the purformanse.
The Eri kanall with its goldin waters was on its windin wa tu albany, and i was perusin the line botes, a flotin by, and thinkin ov Italy, (whare i used tu live,) and her gondolers, and gallus wimmin.
Mi entire sole was, as it ware in a swet, i wanted tu climb, i felt grate, i aktually grew.
Thar ar things in this life tu big tu be trifled with, thar ar times when a man brakes luce from hisself, when he sees speerits, when he kan almost tuch the moon, and feels as tho he kud fill both hands with the stars ov heavin and almost sware he was a bank president.
Thats what ailed me.
But the korse ov tru luv never did run smoove, (this iz Shakesperes opinion too, i and he often think thru one quill) just az i was doing my best, ... dummer, dummer, spat, bang, beller, crash, roar, ram, dummer, dummer, whang, rip, rare rally, dummer dummer, dummer dum, ... with one tremenjis jump, i struck the senter ov the side walk, with anuther i kleared the gutter and with anuther, i stud in the middle ov the strets snorting like a injin poney, at a band ov musik; i gazed in wilde dispare at the tavern stand, mi harte swelled up as big as an out door oven, mi teeth were as luce as a string ov prairy beads.
I thout all the crokery in the tavern stand had fell down, i thout ov fenomenoms, i thought ov gabrel and his horn.
I was just on the pint ov thinking ov sumthing else when the landlord cum out to the frunt stupe ov the tavern stand holding by a string the bottom ov an old brass kittle.
He called me gentla with his hand i went slola and sadla tu 370 him, he calmed mi feres, he ced it was a gong; i saw the cussed thing, he ced supper was reddy, he axed me if i would hav black or green tea and i ced i would.
KORN.
Korn iz a serial, i am glad ov it.
It got its name from Series, a primitiff woman, and in her day, the goddess ov oats, and sich like.
Korn iz sumtimes called maize, and it grows in sum parts of the western country, very amaizenly.
I hav seen it out thare 18 foot hi (i don’t mean the aktual korn itself, but the tree on which it grows.)
Korn haz ears, but never haz but one ear, which iz az deff az an adder.
Injun meal iz made out ov korn, and korn dodgers iz made out ov injun meal, and korn dodgers are the tuffest chunks, ov the bread purswashun, known tew man.
Korn dodgers are made out ov water, with injun meal mixt into it, and then baked on a hard board, in the presence ov a hot fire.
When yu kant drive a 10 penny nail into them, with a sledge hammer, they are sed, bi good judges, to be well done, and are reddy tew be chawed upon.
They will keep 5 years, in a damp place, and not gro tender, and a dog hit with one of them will yell for a week, and then crawl under the barn, and mutter for two days more.
I hav knawed two hours miself on one side of a korn dodger without produsing enny result, and i think i could starve to death twice before i could seduce a korn dodger.
They git the name dodger from the immegiate necessity ov dodgeing, if one iz hove horizontally at yu in anger.
It iz far better tew be smote bi a 3 year old steer, than a korn dodger, that iz only three hours old.
371Korn was fust diskovered bi the injuns, but whare they found it I don’t kno, and i don’t know as i care.
Whiskee, (noble whiskee,) is made out ov korn, and whiskee is one ov the greatest blessings known tew man.
We never should hav bin able tew fill our state prizons with energetick men, and our poor-houses with good eaters, if it want for noble whiskee.
We never should have had enny temperance sons ov sosiety, nor demokratik pollyticians, nor prize fites, nor good murders, nor phatt aldermen, nor whiskee rings, nor nothing, if it want for blessed whiskee.
If it want for korn, how could ennyboddy git korned?
And if it want for gitting korned, what would life be worth?
We should all sink down to the level ov the brutes if it want for gitting korned.
The brutes don’t git korned, they haint got enny reason nor soul.
We often hear ov “drunken brutes,” this is a kompliment to oxen which dont belong tew them.
Korn also haz kurnels, and kurnels are often korned, so are brigadeer-ginerals.
Johnny kake is made out ov korn, so iz hasty puddin.
Hasty puddin and milk is quick tew eat.
All you hav got to do iz to gap, and swallo, and that iz the last ov the puddin.
Korn waz familiar tew antiquity. Joseph waz sent down 372 into Egipt after sum korn, but his brothers didn’t want him to go, so they took pitty on him and pitted him in a pit.
When his brothers got back hum, and were asked whare Joe waz, they didn’t acknowledge the korn, but lied sum.
It has been proved, that it iz wicked to lie about korn, or enny ov the other vegetables.
Thare iz this difference between lieing, and sawing wood, it iz easier to lie, espeshily in the shade.
Korn has got one thing that noboddy else has got, and that iz a kob.
This kob runs thru the middle ov the korn, and iz as phull ov korn as Job waz ov biles.
I alwus feel sorry when i think ov Job, and wonder how he managed tew set down in a chair.
Knowing how tew set down, square on a bile, without hurting the chair, iz one ov the lost arts.
Job waz a card, he had more pashunce, and biles, tew the square inch, than iz usual.
One hundred and twenty-five akers ov korn tew the bushel iz konsidered a good krop, but i have seen more.
I hav seen korn sold for 10 cents a bushel, and in sum parts of the western country, it iz so much, that thare aint no good law aginst stealing it.
In konklushun, if yu want tew git a sure crop ov korn, and a good price for the krop, feed about 4 quarts ov it to a shanghi rooster, then murder the rooster immejiately, and sell him for 17 cents a pound, krop and all.
ADVERTIZEMENT.
I kan sell for eighteen hundred and thirty-nine dollars, a pallas, a sweet and pensive retirement, lokated on the virgin banks ov the Hudson, kontaining 85 acres. The land is luxuriously divided by the hand of natur and art, into pastor and tillage, into plain and deklivity, into stern abruptness, and the dallianse ov moss-tufted medder; streams ov sparkling 373 gladness, (thick with trout,) danse through this wilderness ov buty, tew the low musik ov the kricket and grasshopper. The evergreen sighs az the evening zephir flits through its shadowy buzzum, and the aspen trembles like the luv-smitten harte ov a damsell. Fruits ov the tropicks, in golden buty, melt on the bows, and the bees go heavy and sweet from the fields to their garnering hives. The manshun iz ov Parian marble, the porch iz a single diamond, set with rubiz and the mother ov pearl; the floors are ov rosewood, and the ceilings are more butiful than the starry vault of heavin. Hot and cold water bubbles and squirts in evry apartment, and nothing is wanting that a poet could pra for, or art could portray. The stables are worthy of the steeds ov Nimrod or the studs ov Akilles, and its henery waz bilt expressly for the birds of paradice; while somber in the distance, like the cave ov a hermit, glimpses are caught ov the dorg-house. Here poets hav cum and warbled their laze—here skulptors hav cut, here painters hav robbed the scene ov dreamy landskapes, and here the philosopher diskovered the stun, which made him the alkimist ov natur. Nex northward ov this thing ov buty, sleeps the residense and domain ov the Duke John Smith; while southward, and nearer the spice-breathing tropicks, may be seen the barronial villy ov Earl Brown, and the Duchess, Widder Betsy Stevens. Walls ov primitiff rock, laid in Roman cement, bound the estate, while upward and downward, the eye catches far away, the magesta and slow grander ov the Hudson. As the young morn hangs like a cutting ov silver from the blu brest ov the ski, an angel may be seen each night dansing with golden tiptoes on the green. (N. B. This angel goes with the place.)
ADVICE TEW LECTUR KOMMITTYS.
1. don’t hire enny man tew lektur for yu (never mind how moral he iz) unless yu kan make munny on him.
2. Selekt 10 ov yure best looking and most talking members tew meet the lekturer at the depot.
3743. Don’t fail tew tell the lekturer at least 14 times on yure way from the depot tew the hotel that yu hav got the smartest town in kreashun, and sevral men in it that are wuth over a millyun.
4. When yu reach the hotel introduce the lekturer immejiately to at least 25 ov yure fust klass citizens, if yu hav tew send out for them.
5. When the lekturer’s room iz reddy go with him in masse to hiz room and remind him 4 or 5 more times that yu had over 3 thousand people in yure city at the last censuss, and are a talking about having an opera house.
6. Don’t leave the lekturer alone in his room over 15 minnits at once; he might take a drink out ov his flask on the sli if yu did.
7. When yu introjuce the lekturer tew the aujience don’t fail tew make a speech ten or twelve feet long, occupying a haff an hour, and if yu kan ring in sumthing about the growth ov yure butiful sitty, so mutch the better.
8. Always seat 9 or 10 ov the kommitty on the stage, and then if it iz a kommik lektur, and the kommitty don’t laff a good deal, the aujence will konklude that the lektur iz a failure; and if they do laff a good deal, the aujence will konklude they are stool-pigeons.
9. Jist az soon az the lectur iz thru bring 75 or 80 ov the 375 richest ov yure populashun up onto the stage and let them squeeze the hand and exchange talk with the lekturer.
10. Go with the lekturer from the hall tew hiz room in a bunch, and remind him once or twice more on the way that yure sitty iz a growing very rapidly, and ask him if he don’t think so.
11. If the lekturer should inquire how the comik lekturers had succeeded who had preceded him, don’t forget tew tell him that they were all failures. This will enable him tew guess what they will say about him just az soon az he gits out ov town.
12. If the lekturer’s fee should be a hundred dollars or more, don’t hesitate tew pay him next morning, about 5 minnits before the train leaves, in old, lop-eared one-dollar bills, with a liberal sandwitching ov tobbakko-stained shinplasters.
13. I forgot tew say that the fust thing yu should tell a lekturer, after yu had sufficiently informed him ov the immense growth ov yure citty, iz that yure people are not edukated up tew lekturs yet, but are grate on nigger-minstrels.
14. If it iz konvenient, i would alwus hav a boy or two selling peanuts amung the aujience, during the lekture, at 5 cents a kupfull.
15. Never fail tew ask the lekturer whare he finds the most appreshiated aujiences, and he won’t fail tew tell yu (if he iz an honest man) that thare ain’t no state in the Union that begins tew kompare with yures.
16. Let 15 or 20 ov yure kommitty go with the lekturer, next morning, tew the kars, and az each one shakes hands with him with a kind ov deth grip, don’t forget tew state that yure citty iz growing very mutch in people.
17. If the night iz wet, and the inkum ov the house won’t pay expenses, don’t hesitate tew make it pay by taking a chunk out ov the lekturer’s fee. The lekturers all like this, but they are too modest, as a klass, tew say so.
18. I know ov several other good rules tew follow, but the abuv will do tew begin with.
376SUPPLEMENTARY.
Everyboddy now-daze wants tew be a genius, but what the world wants the most iz men ov tallent. It don’t require enny genius tew shut a door after yu, when yu go thru it.
Rum iz a bill ov exchange on sum stait prizon or alms-hous. I think i am right when i say that all things which do not corrupt are innosent.
It iz not a bad kompliment tew poor human natur that vice, tew be very seduktive, must be made attraktive. Thare are but phew who prefer their iniquity on the haff shell.
It iz the surprizes ov life after all that giv it its zest—even a rat bekums interesting bi the natral suddenty with whitch he cums out or goes into his hoel.
I don’t bet on prekoshus children, they are like peas in Febuary, either forced, or out ov their latitude.
Wit, without wisdum, iz like a song without sense, it don’t pleaze long.
Yu kan’t find contentment laid down on the map: it iz an imaginary place not settled yet; and thoze reach it the soonest who throw away their compass and go it blind.
The gratest problem ever given tew man tew solve, and the one whitch he haz made the least progress in, iz, “know thyself.”
LETTER TO FARMERS.
Beloved Farmers:
Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the step-mother ov gardin sass.
Rize at haff past 2 o’clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots.
Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then commense tew stir up the geese and worry the hogs.
Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remember 377 yu kant git ritch on a farm, unless yu rize at 2 o’clock in the morning, and stir up the hogs and worry the geese.
The happyest man in the world iz the farmer; he rizes at 2 o’clock in the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake, he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs.
What iz a lawyer?—What iz a merchant?—What iz a doktor?—What iz a minister?—I answer, nothing!
A farmer iz the nobless work ov God; he rizes at 2 o’clock in the morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels, and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs.
Beloved farmers, adew.
A TEMPRANSE KLUB.
Feeling the grate need miself, ov a klub ov sum kind, i hav organized a tempranse klub, and am anxious tew take into the buzzom ov the klub, enny party, who haz fair moral papers, and who iz not over 5 feet and 9 inches in hite.
Sum few ov the leading artikles ov faith, bi wich the klub iz tew be navigated, will be found, on examinashun, to be az follows:
Single admishuns tew the klub 50 cents, or three admishuns for one dollar.
Fast yung men admitted at 5 per cent diskount from our regular rates.
The coat ov arms ov this klub iz a glass ov cold water, with a pickle in it.
The password iz—a sweet breath.
The principal objekt ov this klub iz to kultivate soshul sentiments without the aid ov whisky.
We sollumly beleave that whisky iz only good for the injuns.
378Thoze who are in the habit ov paying a dollar for a drink, not admitted, such folks are too respektabel.
No female admitted unless she wants to git her husband to change a bill, and see what iz going on.
We are opposed to all prohibitory laws, except for hoss stealing, and the like.
We beleave man iz a free moral kritter, but full ov cussidness, and if he iz determined tew eat tuff beef, and drink pizon whisky, we hold that he probably will.
One ov the prinsipal objekts ov this klub iz tew find out which haz got the most spirit in it, a man, or a quart ov whisky.
If a man kant keep from gitting dry without being put under bonds, he must jine sum other tempranse klub.
This klub haz no pollytiks, nor no religion, enny man kan belong tew this klub, and vote even the dimokratik tiket, and tend the presbeterian, or hard shell babtisst meeting house.
No man admitted tew this klub who kant swallo a moderate horn ov lickquor; (if he aktually needs it) without the aid ov a doktors preskripshun.
Men who kant keep sober when they are in convivial places, are earnestly invited tew jine this klub, and learn how.
No one who belongs to this klub iz obliged tew eat a pound ov salt codfish and not feel dry.
379Old bummers who visit us, will not be admitted, unless they giv the pass word, (the pass word iz named above.)
All persons making aplikashun for admishun must at least be sober enuff tew be ashamed ov themselfs.
We dont beleave that law ever kept a man sober long, but we do beleave that entreaty and example haz.
This iz not a total abstinence klub.
We would be willing to make it one if we only knew how.
If a man jines this klub, and then gits drunk, we take him in again az soon as he gits sober.
Members taken for one sitting, for the purpose ov gitting sober.
Advice, consolashun, pitty, remonstrance, and enkouragement, free.
Klub-room open nite and day.
A skillful doktor in attendance who understands sowing up tares in the flesh, and removeing blak and blue spots.
Man iz our brother, and we haven’t learnt yet that rum haz destroyed the relashunship.
The accumulating funds tew be invested in all kinds ov decent amuzements.
Every member or applikant owning a good dogg, are invited tew bring the dogg.
No muzzles on man or kritter allowed in this club.
Men owning fast trotters, are requested to visit us, and hear us talk hoss, and see us drink root beer.
We had rather undertake tew make ten men temperate than one total abstinent.
This klub never gives a man up untill he kant tell the truth without lieing.
A temperate liar is the very wust kind.
Total abstinence iz the only kure for lieing.
The publik are advised tew examine our bi-laws and constitushun, and see if we liv up tew them.
Wanted, (to begin biznes with,) a haff dozen good-hearted fellows, with sum brains, who have bin led tew beleave that thare aint no phun in this world only in a gin cocktail.
No phools nor bigots solicited.
380PROVERBIAL PIG.
Az the white rose wakens intu buty, so dus the white Pig cum tu gladden us.
Hiz ears are like the lilac leaf, played upon bi the young zephurs at eventide, his silkaness is the woof ov buty, and his figger is the outline ov lovlaness.
His food is white nectar, drawn from the full fountain ov affecshun.
He waxes fatter, and more slik, evra da, and hangs from the buzzum ov his muther like an image ov alabastur.
He laffeth at forms, and curleth his tale still clusser, as his feast goeth on, then he riseth with gladness, and wandereth with his kindred, beside the still waters.
His brothers and sisters are az like him as flakes ov snow, and all the day long, amung the red klover, and beneath the white thorn, he maketh his joy, and leadeth a life arkadian.
His words are low musik, and his language the untutored freshness ov natur.
His pastime is the history ov innersence, and his lessure is elaganse.
He walketh whare grase leadeth, and gambles tew the dallianse ov dewy fragranse.
He gathereth straws in his mouth, and hasteneth awa on errants ov gladness.
He listeneth tu the reproof of hiz parent; his ackshuns are the laws ov perliteness, and his logick is the power ov instinkt.
His datime is pease and his evening is gentle forgitfullness.
As he taketh on years, he loveth kool plases, and delveth in liquids, and stirreth the arth tew a fatness, and painteth hisself in dark cullors, a reffuge from flize, and the torments ov life.
He forgetteth his parent, and bekumeth his own master, and larneth the mistery ov food, and groweth hugely.
Men gaze at his porkyness, and kount his vallu bi pounds, 381 and la in wate for him, and sacrifise him, and give his flesh salt for its safety.
This is Pig life.
JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE “FEMAIL PORDUNK SOWING SOSIETY.”
Feller sisters:—When I caste mi eye on a sirkle of luvely wimmin bizzy with their needles, mi harte seems tew stretch clean akross mi buzzum. And when i reflek for a minnit, that tha are tew work for nothing, and find themselfs, and that a yung heathin stans reddy yelping around the corner, for the very shirt tha are wurking on, it duz seem tu me, that i cud shout hozzanner for 3 weeks on a strech.
Feller Sisters, yu kan kount on Josh Billings az a frend; he luves charitee, az a pup hankers for nu milk; his verry natur looks out onto the horizen ov the poor folks, jist as the lite ov a tin lantern shines akross a bog meddow.
And he sees the little bare bak yung ones shivering for a krust ov bread, and hungry for a shirt; then he looks at the Sisters, a talking and sowing, and sowing and talking, and he kounts a hole parcil ov little shirts on the tabil, and then he thinks ov the widders cruise, and the bred hove onto the waters, menshioned in the good Book, and he feels jist az tho he wud like tew own awl the femail sowing sosieties in the wurld hisself, and put hiz hole fortin in the little reddy made cottin shirt bizziness.
Oh Charitee! Oh Charitee! When Josh Billings communes with you, he feals az tho he had jist been tried out, and sot awa tew cool.
Feller Sisters, don’t be skeered, let the ritch and the hawty stik up their nozes, and let the eddicated larf.
Josh wud like no better fun than jiss to bet his 9 dollars, that enny Sister, in full communion with this ere sowing sosiety, who puts in full time, and cuts the cotting tew advantage, wil git her final reward.
382Tew konklude, Feller Sisters, pitch in; remember Mr. Lots wife, she that was salted for looken bak.
Cum together arly, and oftin, buy yure cottin by the pease; be keerful how yu deal out youre shirts, for thare iz evry now and then, a bogus heathin.
JOSH ADDRESSES THE FEMAIL “PORDUNK SOWING SOSIETY.”
Stan bi yure konstitushion, and bi laws, dew awl this, and the “Femail Pordunk Sowing Sosiety” will go down tew futer prosterita, like a wide-awake torchlite possession.
I bid yu tenderla ajew.
383THE FUST BABY.
The fust baby has bekum one ov the fixed stars ov life; and ever since the fust one was born, on the rong side of the gardin ov Eden, down tew the little stranger ov yesterday, they hav never failed tew be a budget ov mutch joy—an event ov mutch gladness.
Tew wake up some cheerful morning, and cee a pair ov soft eyes looking into yours—to wonder how so mutch buty could have been entrusted to you—to sarch out the father, or the mother, in the sweet little fase, and then loze the survey, in an instant of buty, as a laffing Angel lays before you—tew pla with the golden hare, and sow fond kisses upon this little bird in yure nest—tiz this that makes the fust baby, the joy ov awl joys—a feast ov the harte.
Tew find the pale Mother again bi yure side, more luvly than when she was wooed—tew see a new tenderness in her eye, and tew hear the chastened sweetness ov her laff, as she tells something new about “Willie”—tew luv her far more than ever, and tew find oftimes a prayer on yure lips—tiz this that makes the fust baby a fountain ov sparkling plezzure.
Tew watch the bud on yure rosebush, tew ketch the fust notes ov yure song-bird, tew hear the warm praze ov kind frends, and tew giv up yure hours tew the trezzure—tiz this that makes the fust baby a gift that Angels hav brought yu.
Tew look upon the trak that life takes—tew see the sunshine and shower—tew plead for the best, and shrink from the wust—tew shudder when sikness steals on, and tew be chastened when death comes—tiz this—oh! tiz this that makes the fust baby a hope upon arth, and a gem up in heaven.
JOSH BILLINGS UNDER OATH.
Josh Billings being duly sworn, testifys az follers: Eight wont go into 6 and hav mutch ov enny thing left over. Menny a yung fellow haz found out this sum in arithmeticks 384 bi trieing tew git a number 8 foot into a number 6 boot.
Virteu, in one respekt, iz like munny. That which we hav tew work the hardesst for sticks tew us the best.
Men ov phew but aktive branes hav the best exekutive abilitys. Their branes are like a bullit—compakt, and go strate for the bull’s eye.
Affektashun never improved enny boddy yet. It iz better tew be a devil than a hypokritt.
I hav often herd thare waz men who knew more than they could tell, but i never met one. I hav often met thoze who could tell a grate deal more than they did kno, and waz willing tew sware to it besides.
To be proof agin flattery, a man must hav no vanity, and such a man never existed; if he did, he iz now one ov the lost arts.
Hope haz made a grate menny blunders, but thare iz one thing about her that i alwus did like—she means well.
Sum people are good simply bekauze they are too lazy tew be wicked, and others, bekauze they hant got a good chance.
Thare iz one thing that i am not only certain, but proud ov—thare iz more people in this world who hav changed from bad to good, than from good to bad.
In munny, interest phollows the principal; in morals, principle often phollows the interest.
385Yu will notis one thing—the devil seldum offers tew go into partnership with a bizzy man, but yu will often see him offer tew jine the lazy man, and furnish all the kapital.
Curiosity had twins—one waz Invenshun and the other waz Stick Yure Noze Into Things.
Love iz about the only pashun ov the heart, that i kan think ov now, that never makes enny mistakes that she kan be held accountable for. If you waz a going tew try pure love for a crime, what court would yu take her before?
I look upon the North Pole az one ov them spots, if taint never found, we shant be none ov the wuss off, and, if it iz found, we shant be none ov the better off.
I dont kno, after all, but it iz jist about az well tew git abuv yure bizzness as it iz tew hav yure bizzness git abuv yu.
“In time ov peace prepare for war.” This iz the way sum familys liv all the time.
Whenever yu hear a man who alwus wants tew “bet hiz bottom dollar,” yu kan make up yure mind that that iz the size ov hiz pile.
The devil iz the only individual on reckord who iz sed not tew possess a single virtew.
Thare iz nothing that a man will git so sik ov az too mutch mollassis.
The vices which a man kontrakts in hiz youth, however mutch he may shake them oph, will often call on him thru life, and seek tew renew hiz acquaintance.
Prudery iz often like the chesnutt burr. It seems az tho it never would open, but by and by it duz, and lets the fruit drop out.
Every man haz hiz phollys, but thare iz this difference—in the poor man, they look like crimes, while, in the ritch man, they only appear tew be exsentricitys.
Old age inkreases us in wisdom, and also in rumatism.
I kno lots ov pholks who are pius jist bekauze they waz born so. They kant tell when they got religion, and, if they should looze it, they wouldn’t kno it.
We never outgro our phollys—we only alter them.
386Thare iz this difference between charity and a gift—charity cums from the heart; a gift, from the pocket.
Coquets are generally too silly to be very wicked.
Thare iz full az menny pholks in this world who hav bin ruined bi kindness az thare iz who hav bin injured bi kruelty.
When fortune pipes, we must dance. It aint alwus that she iz in tune.
I think the honesty ov men iz oftner the effekt ov policy than principle.
Thare iz only one kind ov folks who kan keep a sekret good, and they never take enny tew keep.
The man who iz wicked enuff tew be dreaded iz a safer man in community than the one who iz just virtewous enuff not to be suspekted.
Flattery iz the wust kind of lieing.
Hypockrasy iz alwus humble.
Gravity don’t prove enny thing. If a man iz really wise, he dont need it, and, if he aint wize, he shouldn’t hav it.
It iz jist az natral tew be born poor az it iz tew be born naked, and it iz no more disgrace.
Thare iz no excuse whatever for the insolence ov wealth; thare may possibly be for the insolence ov poverty.
Dont forget one thing, mi boy—that when five men kall yu a suckcess, and one man kalls yu a failure, that the one man’s testimony iz what fetches the jury.
Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur; self-prezervashun iz the seckond.
Yu kant konvert sinners bi preaching the gospel tew them at haff price. Enny sinner who iz anxious tew git hiz religion in that way, iz satisfied with a poor artikle.
JOSH AT NIAGARA FALLS.
After a series ov unsuckcessfull wanderings thru life, i find miself this day, December 28th, 1868, leaning on the left arm ov mi lovely wife, a spektator ov this wondrous 387 jugular vein, which pours the throbbing blood ov Lake Erie into the vitals ov Lake Ontario.
I reached here at ten minutes past twelve, from the far West, and found the place poor with visitors, it being the center ov winter, and a cold time for money.
For the fust two hours i hung onto mi wife’s arm az still az tho I had growed thare, and couldn’t see ennything on account ov the clamor the water made; but gradually i begin tew take notes ov things, and broke out, at last, in one ov thoze posthumous remarks incidental tew the Billings family, and which i deem tew abstruse tew be written down here. My wife turned pale at the remark, and began tew fuss for her kamphor.
The grandur, the almoste sublimity ov Niagara Falls has been deskribed so often and so intolerably well by previous visitors who hav been blest with a college edukashun, that it would be but petty larceny for me tew git ketched at it; but i will say, az the mad liquor impetuous tumbles hed fust into the boiling kaldron belo, and the smoke ov its torrent ascends amid the roar, i thought how idle language waz, and how lazy deskription was, tew portray this great idea ov the Almighty.
The fust thing i did waz tew git at the hight ov the Falls, which, i found out, waz owing tew the distance the water fell, the quantity ov the fluid, and the noise it made.
I have lost the paper i made the calculashun on, but it must have been at least three thousand square feet.
I should think that the fuss the water makes, in its hurry to fall, could be heard two hundred miles; but i didn’t hav time tew stand off that distance and see if it waz acktually so.
I learned that the Falls belong now tew the United States and Great Brittain, about half-and-half; but i shouldn’t wonder if, sum time, the United States would own the whole ov it.
Natur haz done the fair thing for Niagara, and man haz not been lazy.
Thare waz one thing that happened tew me, while here, 388 that will last me for mi lifetime, and when i git through with it will do to hand down tew mi posteritys without the danger ov spiling.
The Americans had just finished a new suspension bridge, and hooked it onto the Canada side, just belo the Falls.
This bridge iz thirteen hundred feet in length, only twelve feet wide, and about two hundred and fifty feet above the water, and iz four hundred feet longer than the rail-road bridge, three miles below.
Thare had but one carriage yet crossed this bridge, and it being known that I waz connekted with the New York Weekly, every boddy waz anxious that I should go over.
I took a seat, in an elegant turnout, got up for the occasion, my wife by mi side, and driven by Darby Sherman, a noted whip and ribbon handler ov the place, we started slowly over.
We were the second pair ov mortals who had taken the dizzy ride.
My wife grew dearer, and a good deal nearer tew me, az we progressed, and before we reached the Canada side, we were fairly one flesh.
When we had seen her magisty’s soil, and safely recrost the flimsy span again, i am willing tew say i had suffered all the suspension bridge glory that i wanted.
We were welcomed on our return tew the hotel, with open arms, and two hot lemonades, with a little old rye lurking in one ov them.
I took mine without enny wry face, and whispered tew my soul, as the last swallow went reluctently down end ways, “suspension bridges may be a good risk tew take, but a hot lemonade whiskee iz better.”
Thare iz one thing that Niagara don’t lack, whatever may be her moral defaults in other matters, and that iz professional guides.
Upwards ov fifty different people waz anxious to guide me tew the strong points ov the place.
One pale faced youth, more clamorous than the rest, with 389 pattent leather boots, which had been new at the hight of the last summer seazon, but which had bekum seazon cracked and bulged severely at the roots ov each bigg toe, wanted tew guide me so mutch that i finally told him he might guide me sum if he would be keerful.
During the time this innocent youth waz in mi company he told me more than 275 original and deeply interesting lies.
He showed me whare Jim Buchanan killed the grate injun warrier, Tecumser, in a hand to-hand scuffle, which lasted three hours and seven minnits, during which time hiz own grand father held the watch, and he pointed out the tree that Major Andree waz hung on, and showed me the identical house in the distance whare Robert Burnes wrote the immortal ode tew hiz Highland Mary, and also the private residence, (and banking house) ov the Hon. John Morrisey, and probably would have shown me the Plymouth rock, whare our fore-fathers landed, if I had asked him to do it.
But when i told him that John Morrisey had been dead more than fifteen years, he diskovered that i wan’t so green.
He also offered tew sell me, for two dollars and fifty cents, a lock of auburn hair, from the young lady’s head who past, last spring, in high water, safely over the falls, seated on the round side ov a hemlock slab, playing “A life on the ocean wave” on a base vial.
After the young man had guided me for one hour and a quarter, i paid him ten cents and dismisst him.
He looked at me, and then at the size ov the money, az tho he thought we possibly might be twins.
I told him that thare waz one thing that the Billings family waz a leetle partickular about, and that waz, in making the right change to a ded beat.
Niagara is also fraught with most ov the rare curiositys thare iz now on the face ov the earth, every boddy haz got some miracle tew sell for two dollars and fifty cents.
Yu kan git charms for a watch kee whitled out ov a rock that weighed sixty ton, and which fell four thousand feet, on 390 the thirteenth ov last June, from table rock and waz picked up by a little boy at the water’s edge, who waz fishing for pickled crabs.
It iz but a step, i hav been informed, from the sublime tew the ridikilus, and menny ov the residents at Niagara are familiar with the step.
I kant think ov enny thing more intrinsically burlesque than tew be standing in the presence ov one ov the most imposing revelations of Nature on this footstool, and while rapt in fear and admirashun, and chastened az it were by the God ov Nature, tew hav a peddling imp ov humanity sacrilegisly disturb yure adorashun by thrusting in yure face a paltry piece ov petrified deadbeatery, and with all the nonchalence and impudence ov a cold buckwheat slapjack ask yu two dollars and fifty cents for what iz wuss than offal.
In olden times the brokers and dove pedlars were hustled out ov the temple ov God, and it would be medicine tew me to see this great temple, made without hands, cleaned ov the two dollar and fifty cent vermin that infest it.
SUM VERY BLANK VERSE—THE NEGRO AND THE TROUT.
THE DANDY AND THE THIMBLE-RIGGER.
After natur had finished the fust man and the fust woman, she had a little material left at the bottom ov her cups, and not willing tew waste ennything, she mixt the two remnants together, more for a frolick than ennything else, just to see what the compound would produce.
394Throwing the mixture onto the dieing coals, in a few minnitts a half-baked, comikal creature lay smirking, and mincing, before her.
This iz the way that the fust dandy waz made, and, with a boquet in one hand and a looking-glass in the other, Dame Nature turned him loose into the world, to root.
The construckshun ov this creature of remnants iz peculiar.
A dissection ov a dandy, in the thirteenth century, revealed the fakt that hiz heart resembled a pin cushion, having no cells, the interior ov it being filled with cotton batting and sawdust, and stuck awl over the outside with rosettes, and dead butterflys, with pins through them.
Hiz head waz divided into innumerable little stalls, in each ov which waz deposited, in solution, a very small quantity ov brains, which ackted independent ov each other.
One stall waz devoted to kid gloves az a science, another to tight boots, and a third to colone water.
All hiz thoughts and affeckshuns are divided between the fit ov hiz clothes and the admirashun ov them.
Hiz ideas never grasp ennything stronger than Phalon’s last sensashun in perfumery; his whole emotional natur finds its nourishment and counterpart in a plate ov the last Paris fashions, hung up in a taylor’s window.
The genuine dandy—one who knows hiz bizzness—never falls in love with ennything but hiz looking-glass; hiz strongest pashun iz admirashun; he kant reach the dignity ov love.
To love, requires both brains and a soul; and a dandy in love would be az whimsikal a sight az a butterfly kneeling at the feet ov a tulip.
Your real dandy iz a long-lived bird; hiz pashions are weak, but regular, and like a watch, the works and the case wear out together.
He grows old like a boquet, and is brisk, and in humor to the last.
Dandys hav no courage; their pashuns are a mixtur ov weak and delikate things; they kant insult, nor be insulted; they are rabbits among men, and among wimmin, not bold enuff tew be feared, nor useless enuff to be dispized.
395Thare iz not one single trait in their charakter, that I kan think ov now, highly commendible; they are selfish (and have a right to be), bekauze they haint got ennything to spare; their ambishun haz no more glory in it than a scent bag.
Reverence implys faith, and a dandy haz no faith, but in the taste ov hiz hairdresser, or taylor; meekness implys hope, but hope in them, iz nothing but emasculated impudence.
But while theze useless creatures lack the virtews ov life, they are seldum, or never, gilty ov enny fust class vices, they go through life heedless ov awl that iz very good, or very bad, and when they git reddy to die, it iz ov az little importance tew the world, az the loss ov a cosmetick receipt, or a clever twist in a yeller neck-tie.
Your genuine dandy seldum unites, he courts, az the humming burd duz among the flowers, for honey, not a wife, and thinks that hiz attacks are awl conquests, but no sensible woman would marry him, enny quicker, than she would knowingly take counterfit money in change.
This world will never be rid ov the dandy, there iz so many pincushion hearts, and heads not made for brains, thare iz so much vanity that iz amply pleazed with a dog’s head on a bamboo cane, thare iz so mutch kindness in looking glasses, thare is so mutch fragrance in the extrackts ov Lubin, thare iz sich a glory in being a pin feather king, for an evening, among silly hearts, that young dandys will keep being born, and old dandys will frisk, in spite of their gout, or enny bodys philosophy.
Thimblerig iz a game az old az Methuselah.
It is played on the knees ov a young, and hawk-eyed, and very polished gentleman, with a shiny black hat on hiz head, encircled with a band ov crape, az a mourning badge, for hiz late lamented father—or, “enny other man.”
The young gentleman wears a flame-colored necktie, striped with orange, and held with a gilt slide, and a californy cluster on hiz finger, az copious, az a gill ov beans. The game iz conducted with three thimbles, a pellet ov fur, or wool, az big az a grape seed, and iz sed tew be under one ov the thimbles, 396 but after yu bet, and the thimble iz raized, it dont seem to be invariably thar.
This pellet iz humorsly called the “little joker,” and iz carlessly shown to you, az it appears to slide under cover ov one ov the thimbles, but in fakt, slips under the cultivated finger nail ov the gentlemanly rigger.
This iz only one ov the thousand modes ov gambling, but probably the most niggerlike ov enny ov them.
If I had a son who was a thimblerigger by perswashun, and could not be converted from the low, and villainous game enny other way, I would pray tew hav him hit hard with lightning, and then go into suitable mourning afterwards.
Gambling iz a vice, az natural to man, az the love ov gain, it iz the pashun ov the civilized, and uncivilized, the Hindoo, and the Saxon, the nigger, and the congressman.
It iz az old az history, and as demoralizing az enny profligasy, that haz yet bin invented.
Rum and dice, are the two grate levellers, they bring the judge down tew the grade ov the loafer, and pluck out by the roots the tail feathers ov aristocracy.
They corrupt the warmest heart, chill the most ardent ambishun, wither the brightest hopes, and brutalize the tenderest pashions.
All that gamble may not reach the lowest depths ov its degradashun, but they are on the right road.
Total abstinence iz the only cure for gambling, alteratives wont answer.
One ov the wust feeters ov this disseaze iz, that it iz like the small pox, if the patient recovers hiz health, he kant never git rid ov the skars; a man may ceaze to be a gambler, but once a gambler, the cursed pashion whines around him, like a ghost around the buried.
LONG BRANCH IN SLICES.
Long Branch iz the eastern terminus ov sum real estate on the west side ov the Atlantik Oshun, and iz lokated cluss down to the edge ov the water.
397The populashun iz homo genus, woman genus, girl and boy genus, yung one genus, and divers other kind ov genus.
The divers genus are sum plenty. They go into the Atlantik Oshun, hand in hand, man and wife, phellow and gall, stranger and strangeresses, drest in flowing robes, and cum out by-and-by like statuary in a tite fit.
The Atlantik Oshun iz a grate success. The author and proprietor ov it never makes enny blunders.
Thare iz a grate deal ov morality here at Long Branch. Thare iz sum isolated cases ov iniquity, and a clever sprinkling of innocent deviltry.
JOSH BILLINGS BATHING AT LONG BRANCH.
I am pleased to state that the iniquity iz principally in fust hands, and finds but few takers.
The fluid ov the Atlantik Oshun iz psalt, and haz bin so for more than three hundred years to my knowledge. I state this as a stubborn fakt, and the “oldest inhabitant” may help himself if he can.
The ockashun ov this psaltness has bothered the clergy for 398 years. Sum ov them say that large lumps ov psalt waz deposited in the oshun, at an early day, bi the injuns, for safe keeping, and sum say that the grate number ov kodfish and number 2 makrel that travel in its waters haz flavoured the oshun.
I endorse the kodfish and makrel job, not bekauze i think it iz true, but bekauze i think it iz the weakest, and i hav alwus bin in the habit ov standing up for the weak and oppressed.
Flirtashuns are thick here, but principally occur amung thoze who hav wore the conjugal yoke until their necks hav begun to git galled.
Theze flirtashuns are looked upon az entirely innocent, and are called “recruiting.”
They are konsidered by sum (who call themselves good judges) more braceing than the sea-airing.
Millionaires are numerous, besides others who put on a millyun ov airs more or less.
Now and then yu will see a forrin snob just over from the other side ov the Atlantik Oshun. They wear long shirt-collars, turned down, and short nozes turned up.
The landlord tells me, they hav all paid their bills thus far, and he sez, the last thing he duz at nite, before he goes tew sleep, iz tew pray—they will kontinue on to do so.
The prayers ov the righteous are sed tew be heavy, and weigh well, and the landlord being ov a righteous turn ov mind, i think he will win.
The Continental Hotel iz the principal one here, and iz infested, just now, by eight hundred and fifty innocent creatures, who eat 3 meals per day.
The femail portion ov these dear innocent creatures, rool up their sleeves, and go down once a day, to the keel ov their trunk, and drag out bi the nap ov the nek sum clothes, that would make the Queen ov Sheeba sorry that she hadn’t postponed living untill Long Branch had bin invented, so that she could hav got the style.
I advice all ov mi friends to come to the Continental Hotel, and bring their best clothes with them.
399Long Branch haz menny things to interest the schollar, and the philanthropist, among which iz the race course, just bilt.
I attended this race-course lately, and saw sum very good rotary movements on it.
I didn’t bet, bekaze i hav alwus been principled aginst loseing enny money.
I think i could win enny quantity ov money, and not spile mi morality, but the loss ov a fu dollars, would git mi virtew out ov repair for ages.
Long Branch iz also the home ov the miscelaneous crab, and the world-renowned musketo.
The crab iz kaught in endless confusion at Plezzure Bay, cluss bi Long Branch.
He iz kaught bi tieing a hard knot on the other end ov a string, and then dropping the string down in the water, and tickling the bottom ov hiz feet with the knot, in this way, sumtimes he iz kaught, and sumtimes he iz knot.
The musketo iz az natral to Nu Jersee az Jersee litening iz.
The musketo iz a marvelous kuss, but whi he ever waz allowed tew take out hiz papers, and travel, iz unknown to me, or enny ov mi near relashuns.
If he haz enny destiny tew fill, it must be his stummuk, for he iz the biggest bore, ackording tew the size ov hiz gimblet, i hav ever met seldom. It dont look well for a philosopher tew be fracktious at enny thing, not even a bugg, but if enny boddy ever hears me swear (out loud) he may know thare haz bin a kussid musketeer on mi premises.
I cum tew Long Branch (in company with mi wife) at the opening ov the season, and put up at the Continental Hotel, and intend now to keep putting up thare, untill the house shuts up, if i hav tew klimb the flag-staff to do it.
Every boddy who puts up at this hotel, iz allowed tew put up regular, once a week, for hiz board, and promiskuss things.
Thare iz a blessed privilege, which sum folks kant never enjoy, untill they are deprived ov it.
It will then be forever too late.
I am one ov them cunning kritters, who, when they find 400 a good hotel, a 225 pound landlord, and polite officials, dwell with them heavily.
I hav sed before (in writing about hotels) that almost enny boddy thinks they know how tew keep a hotel (and they do know how) but this ackounts for the grate number ov kussid poor hotels, all over the country.
BILLIARDS.
Everyboddy seems tew be gitting crazy over a new game, which haz jist bin diskovered, called billyards.
It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer than it iz square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing sum round red bawls agin sum round white bawls, until they drop into sum little pudding bags which are hung unto the outside ov the tabel.
It takes 2 men tew play the game, but 4 or 5 can look on.
They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, with a short piece ov a fishpole in their hands, which has a chalk mark onto the end ov it.
Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch in the belly, which sends it agin the next one’s belly, and so on, till the other fellows turn fur punching comes on.
But yu ought tew see the game; it kant be delineated bi words.
One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he pays the landlord ov the consarn 25 cents fur the privilege ov gitting beat, and buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul hands drink.
Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch fur a spell, and so it goes on till 2 o’clock in the morning; then each goes hum, having enjoyed fine exercise, a little drunk perhaps; but the muscles in their breast are so expanded that they can’t ketch the consumption nor the smaul pox.
This iz billyards.
401HABITS OF GRATE MEN.
Habits are like korns on the little toze, the result ov tite boots.
Habits are likewize the krooks in an ordinary dorg’s tale natral az life, but seldum useful, or ornamental.
George Washington Crab, Esq., the wonderful astromenor ov the 4th century, alwus took hiz observashuns ov the suns perigammut on one bended knee, with hiz eye tooth buried to the kore in a sour apple, and hiz left shin-bone bandaged, with a solution ov sheet iron.
HABITS OF GRATE MEN.
In this way he discovered cansir, one ov the signs of the zodiac, and it haz ever since bore his name in English.
George also wore an uprite collar, about one foot in upriteness and alwus used kats intestines, for shew strings.
He waz a grate man, and had sum habits.
He died in due time.
And haint bin seen since.
His widdow waz inconsolable for a large amount. Hiz widdow iz also no more now, she coiled oph this mortal shuffle in good shape, at the reasonable age of 86.
If her aktual ashes are still extant, i say boldly, “peace tew her ashes.”
If her ashes kant be found, i am willing to be one ov ten to make enny other arrangements that will pay.
402Rev. Moses Bickerstaff wrote those famous sermons ov hiz, that shook the moral firmament from dan to bersheebe, upon the head ov a flower barrel, with a bony pen made from the dorsal feather finis ov an untamed osstrich.
He used ink made from an extrakt ov mid-nite, combined with the perspiration ov a confirmed Ethiopian.
He also kultivated the ambishun ov hiz little finger nail which grew to bee about 8 feet in longevity.
He had a way ov leering with hiz left eye, when he preached, which history sez was cussid good.
Bickerstaff haz had a hoste ov immitators, but they are like the millers who fly at a kandle, he cooks them all.
Bickerstaff wore hiz hat without enny brim to it, nor enny crown, and alwus put on hiz left boot last. He, like all thoze who lived before the flood, iz now deperted to deth, but hiz way ov doing things (on the hed ov a flower barrell), tho often tried on, haz never bin badly beat yet.
Doktor Henry Magnum, M. D., waz a doktor.
He waz rather a weak sister, and alwus rode sideways on a side-saddle.
He had one strong point, he never giv up a pashunt until he waz plumb ded.
His exsentricitys waz theze.
He alwus used a wodden spoon, made out ov wood.
When he eat, hiz mouth always flu open, to the crook ov hiz elbo.
He never et enney mollassis during hiz sweet life.
He made all ov hiz pills down cellar.
He iz sed to hav had, during his life, a thousand stujents ov medisin, but history sez, they didn’t enny ov them equal Magnum, only in hiz odditys.
Docktor Magnum worked in physick about 46 years after the landing ov the pilgrims, on Mount Arryrat, and i presume iz now fully dead, and gone, or too old for a full days work.
He wrote a book on rats (az a dire necessity) which waz a standard work for menny generashun ov rats.
This book waz translated into Hindoo, and thus waz lost, by being burnt with a widder, in a phuneral scrape.
403Ebenezer Smile waz probably one ov the most tallented excentricks that ever smiled.
He waz a landlord on the Himmelay mountains, and waz the author ov Gin.
Ten thousand phunny things ov his hav bin handed down, and all lost.
The most truly wonderful odd awkwardness ov all hiz peculiarness waz hiz way ov smiling.
He could smile and drink a gin cocktale at onst, and the same time.
This natrality ov hiz haz bin immitated so mutch since, that the original idee iz all wore out.
He haz had several immitators who hav outsmiled their daddy.
History sez, he could smile a pint ov gin a day, without enny water in it.
But a pint ov gin, now days, would hardly raize a smile ov contempt.
Ebenezer Smile was a bachelor, and history sez, his father waz also one before him.
This oddness haz also its immitators.
Ebenezer died with a smile on his countenance, or just after one.
I hav cum tew the konklusion that the excentricitys ov grate men iz the work ov art, and is mistaken bi the owners ov it for natur, and haz made more phools, (bi thoze who hav immitated them,) than the Lord ever haz.
Ebenezer Smile waz a kussid poor original enny how.
Ebenezer haz vakated life, but he haz left a bitter smile behind him.
Oh! the sarkasm, in the smile ov a gin koktale.
JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.
I kum to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent 404 of the “Garden Angel life insurance Co.,” and answered the following questions, which waz put tu me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old feller, with a little round gray head, az pretty az enny man ever owned:—
QUESTIONS.
1st—Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been so.
2d—Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time?
3d—What is yure precise fiteing weight?
4th—Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much?
5th—What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10 commandments.
6th—Du yu ever hav enny nite mares?
7th—Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor?
8th—Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it.
9th—What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head; can it be did successfully?
10th—Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to affect yu?
After answering the above questions, like a man in the confirmatif, the slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced i was insured for life, and probably would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my most pensive smiles.
HOW TEW PICK OUT A GOOD HOSS.
First.—Let the color be a sorrel, a roan, a red, a gray, a white, a blak, a blue, a green, a chesnut, a brown, a dapple, a spotted, a cream, a buckskin, or sum other good color.
Seckond.—Examin hiz ears; see that he haz got tew ears, and pound a tin pan cluss to him, to find out whether hiz hearing iz good. All hosses are dum but a deff and dum hoss, are not desirable.
405Third.—Look well to hiz eyes; see that he haz got a pupil in hiz eyes, and not too large a one neither, hosses with too large pupils in their eyes are near-sighted, and kant see oats, and hav tew wear green gogles, and green gogles make a hoss look tu mutch like a trakt pedlar.
THE HOSS.
Fourth.—Feel ov his neck with the inside ov yure right hand, see that the spinal collum iz well fatted, and runs the whole length ov him from fore to aft, a hoss without a good phatt spinal collum from fore to aft aint worth, (speaking sudden) aint worth a well defined cuss.
Five.—Put yure hand on hiz breast, (this iz allowable in the case ov a quadriped) see if hiz harte kan beat 70, squeeze hiz fore leggs to see if he iz well muscled, lift up hiz before feet, and see if thare iz enny frogs in them, frogs keep a hosses feet cool, and sweet, just az they do a well, or a spring ov water.
Six.—Look well tew hiz shoes, see what number he wears, number 8 iz about right.
Seven.—Run yure hand along the dividing ridge ov hiz boddy, from the top ov hiz withers to the commencement ov his tail (or dorsul vertibra) and pinch him az yu go along to see if he knows how tew kick.
Eight.—Look on his hind legs for sum spavins, kurbs, windgalls, ringbones, skratches, quittors, thrush, greaseheels, thorough-pins, spring-halt, quarter-kracks; see if he haz got a 406 whirl-bone; look for sum pin-hips; hunt for strains in the back tendons, let-downs and capped hocks.
Nine.—Investigate hiz teeth, see if he aint 14 years old last May, with teeth filed down, and a six year old black mark burnt into the top ov them, with a hot iron.
Ten.—Smell of hiz breath to see if he haint got sum glanders; look just back ov hiz ears for sighns of pole evil, pinch him on the top ov hiz withers for a fistula, and look sharp at both shoulders for a sweeny.
Eleven.—Hook him tew a waggon that rattles, drive him up to an Irishman and hiz wheelbarrow, meet a rag merchant with cow bells strung acrost the top ov hiz cart, let an express train pass him at 45 miles to the hour, when he iz swetty leave a buffalo robe over him to keep oph the cold, ride him with an unbrel highsted, and learn hiz opinyun ov these things.
Twelve.—Prospekt hiz wind, sarch diligently for the heaves, ask if he iz a roarer, and don’t be afraid tew find out if he iz a whistler.
Thirteen.—Be sure that he aint a krib-biter, aint balky, aint a weaver, and dont pull at the halter.
Theze are a few simple things to be looked at in buying a good family hoss, there iz a grate menny other things tew be looked at (at yure leizure) after you have bought him.
Good hosses are skarse, and good men, that deal in enny kind ov hosses, are skarser.
Ask a man all about hiz wife and he may tell you, examine him cluss for a Sunday school teacher and find him all on the square, send him tew the New York legislature and rejoice that money wont buy him, lend him seven hundred dollars, in the highway, without witness or note, even swop dorgs with him with perfekt impunity, but when yu buy a good family hoss ov him, young, sound, and trew, watch the man cluss, and make up yure mind besides that you will have tew ask the Lord tew forgive him.
“An honest man iz the noblest work ov God,” this famus saying waz written, in grate anguish ov heart, by the late Alexander Pope, just after buying a good family hoss.
407GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT.
AT PORDUNK.
Agrikultur iz the mother ov provisions; she iz also the grandmother.
If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn’t be enny beans, and if it want for enny beans, thare wouldn’t be enny suckertash.
Agrikultur waz fust diskovered by Cain, and has been diskovered since to be an honest way to get a hard living.
Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz lettis, and bukwheat.
The Billingsville agrikultural society opened Oct. ten, and waz a powerful success.
The reciepts ov the Agrikultural Fair waz upwards ov $30,000 (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)
The Hon. Virgil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultural member ov Congress from our district, sold the agrikultur pools.
FUST DAY.
A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that had never trotted before for munny.
Thare waz thirteen entries.
Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)
The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red colt, and the waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, and the fainting ov several fust-class females, and one white foot behind.
SEKOND DAY.
It rained like a perpendikular aul day, and no trotting could be had, so the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring, and offering tew bet four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt.
408THIRD DAY.
The sun highsted up in the east more butyfuller than I ever saw her before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she does.)
It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man.
A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old colts.
This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the time being so slow.
Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds.
FOURTH DAY.
This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn’t never beat 2.25.
Thare waz 26 entrys; they couldn’t aul trot tew once, so they took turns.
This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker’s colt.
He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust-rate farm, well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agrikultural men, but with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, he skorned to stoop so low.
Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss.
FIFTH DAY.
It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in betting on the weight ov hosses.
Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did.
One man swopped two hosses fur one; this struck me as a devilish good thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft.
At the end ov the fifth day i cum away.
I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep from whinnering.
The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made.
I think 2 minnits and 10 sekonds waz made, (if my memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)
I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the 409 ground, beside sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but they didn’t seem to attrakt enny simpathy.
The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots.
OATS.
Oats are a singular grain, perhaps I should say plural, bekauze thare iz more than one ov them.
They gro on the top ov a straw, about two foot, 9 and one quarter inches hi, and the straw iz holler.
This straw iz interesting for its sukshun.
Short pieces ov it, about 8 inches, or so, dipt into the buzzum ov a sherry cobbler, will suckshun up the entire cobbler in 4 minnitts, bi the watch.
I never hav tried this, but i kno lots ov young, and reliable men, who stand around reddy to prove this, if sum boddy will fetch on the cobbler.
This suckshun iz sed tew be a ded sure thing.
I hav been told bi a man, who iz a grate traveller, that in the game ov pharaoh, it iz the “splits” that win.
If this iz true, (reasoning from analogy), I have thought that the splits in the straw mite be in favour ov the cobbler and agin the suckshun.
But i aint certain ov this, in fakt i hav lost confidence in most everything, that haz to be proved, since i got so awfully dizzy, about four years ago, trieing to prove to the chaplain ov an engine company, that lager beer waz not intoxikating, but waz full sister to filtered rane water.
If i had time i would relate more about this circumstanse, but i must git back onto oats agin.
I like tew see a man stik tite tew hiz text, if he haz to bite into it to do it.
I should have made a profitable minister az fur az staying with a text iz concerned, for when i git through with a text, 410 yu kant work what’s left ov it into ennything else, not even a rag karpet.
Speaking ov rag karpets, brings mi wife tew mi mind.
Mi wife haz got a kind ov hidraphoby, or burning fever ov sum kind, for rag karpets in the rag, and i don’t have but one pair ov clothes at a time on this ackount, and theze i put to sleep, under mi pillo, at nite, when i go tew bed.
She watches mi clothes just az cluss az a mule duz a bistander, and i hav told all ov mi best friends, if i am ever lost, and kant be found soon, they may look for me in mi wifes last roll of rag karpet.
But for all this, i love mi wife with the affeckshun ov a parent, (she iz sevral years inferior to me in age,) and i had rather be rag karpeted bi her, than tew be honey fugled, with warm apple sass, bi enny other woman. But i must git back onto oats agin. Oats gro on the summit ov sum straw, and are sharp at both ends.
They resemble shu pegs in looks, and build, and it iz sed, are often mistaken for them by near-sighted hosses and shumakers.
I dont intend this remark az enny derogativeness to shumakers in the lump, for i hav often sed, in mi inspired moments, if i couldn’t be a shumaker, i would like to be a good lawyer.
Oats are a phuny grain, 8 quarts of them will make even a 411 stage hoss laff, and when a stage hoss laffs, you may know he is tickled somewhare.
This iz the natur ov oats as a beverage, they amuze the stummuck ov the hoss with their sharp ends, and then the hoss laffs.
I hav never saw a hoss laff, but i hav heard that it could be did.
Thare iz a grate menny folks, ov good moral karakter, who wont believe enny thing unless they kan see it, theze kind of folk are always the eazyest to cheat.
They wont beleave a rattle snaiks bight iz pizon untill they tri it, this kind of informashun alwus kosts more than it iz aktually worth.
It iz a middling wize man who proffits bi hiz own experience, but it iz a good deal wizer one, who lets the rattle-snaik bight the other phellow.
The Goddess ov korn iz also the the Goddess ov oats, and barley, and bukwheat.
Her name iz Series, she is a mithological woman, and like menny wimmen now a daze, she iz hard tew lokate.
Theze mithology men, and wimmin, work well enuff in poetry, whare a good deal ov lieing dont hurt the sense, but when you cum right down to korn in the ear, or oats in the bundle, all the gods and goddesses in the world, kant warrent a good crop.
It takes labor tew raize oats, and thrash them out, but ov all the lazy cusses that hav pestered the earth, since Adam waz a boy, the gods, and goddesses, hav always been too lazy to swet.
Enny being who haint never swet, dont kno what he iz worth.
I would like to see a whole parcell ov theze gods, and goddesses, in a harvest field, reaping lodged oats, in the month of August, they couldn’t earn their pepper-sass.
Oats are sold bi weight or mezzure, and are seldum (or perhaps i may say in confidence never) sold by count.
Eggs, and money, are counted out, but oats never.
412It would be well for nu beginners to remember this, it would save them a good deal of time on every hundred bushels ov oats.
Time iz sed tew be the same az money, if this iz positively so, Methuseler died ritch.
Methuseler waz exackly 999 years old when he died, now multipli this bi 365, which would only be allowing him a dollar a day for hiz time, and yu will find just what he waz worth.
Oats are worth from 40, to 75 cents a bushel, ackording tew their price, and aint good for mutch, only tew tickle a hoss.
They will choke a goose to deth quicker than a paper of pins, and enny thing that will choke a goose to deth (i mean on the internal side ov their thrut) iz, to say the least ov it, very skarse.
Speaking ov a goose, i hav found out at last what makes them so tuff, it iz staying out so mutch in the cold.
I found this out all alone by miself.
Oats are a very eazy krop tew raize.
All yu hav got to do, to raize sum oats, iz to plough the ground deep, then manure it well, then sprinkle the oats all over the ground, one in a place, then worry the ground with a drag all over, then set up nites tew keep the chickens, and woodchucks out ov them, then pray for sum rain, then kradle them down with a kradle, then rake them together with a rake, then bind them up with a band, then stack them up in a stack, then thrash them out with a flail, then clean them up with a mill, then sharpen both ends ov them with a knife, then stow them away in a granery, then spend wet days, and Sundays, trapping for rats, and mice.
It aint nothing but phun tew raize oats—try it.
One ov the best ways tew raize a sure crop ov oats, and tew git a good price for the crop, iz tew feed 4 quarts ov them tew a shanghi rooster then murder the rooster suddenly, and sell him for 25 cents a pound, crop and all.
413A LAFF.
Men who never laff, may have good hearts, but they are deep seated,—like sum springs, they hav their inlet and outlet from below, and show no sparkling bubble on the brim.
I don’t like a gigler, this kind ov laff iz like the dandylion, a feeble yeller, and not a bit ov good smell about it.
It iz true that enny kind of a laff iz better than none,—but giv me the laff that looks out ov a man’s eyes fust, to see if the coast is clear, then steals down into the dimple ov his cheek, and rides in an eddy thare awhile, then waltzes a spell, at the korners ov his mouth, like a thing ov life, then busts its bonds ov buty, and fills the air for a moment with a shower ov silvery tongued sparks,—then steals bak, with a smile, to its liar, in the harte, tew watch agin for its prey,—this is the kind ov laff that i luv, and aint afrade ov.
PASHUNCE OV JOB.
Evryboddy iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and Job did hav konsiderable bile pashunce, that’s a fac, but did he ever keep a distrik skule for 8 dollars a month, and borde ’round?
Did he ever reap lodged oats down hill in a hot da, and hav all hiz gallus buttons bust oph at once?
Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be made tu tend baby while hiz wife was over tu Perkinses tu a tea squall?
Did he ever git up in the morning awful dri and turf it 3 miles befoar brekfast tu git a drink, and find that the man kep a tempranse hous?
Did he ever undertaik tu milk a kicking hefer with a bushy tail, in fli time, out in a lot?
Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in the old 414 rockin cheer, with hiz summer pantyloons on without saing “damnashun!”
If he cud du all theze things, and praze the Lord at the same time, all i hav got tu sa, iz, Bully for Job!
Friday.—Visited mi washwoman, and blowed her up for sewing ruffles and tucks onto the bottom ov mi drawers. She was thunderstruck at fust, but explained the mystery 415 by saying, “she had sent me a pair, by mistake, that belonged to * * * *;” I blushed like a biled lobster, and told her she couldn’t be too keerful about such things; i might hav bin ruined for life.
THE GAME OF YEWKER.
This ill-bred game ov kards is about 27 years old.
It was fust diskovered by the deck hands on a lake Erie steam Boat, and handed down by them tew posterity in awl its juvenile beauty.
It is generally played by 4 persons and owes mutch ov its absorbingness tew the fackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and chaw, and cheat while the game is advancing.
I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the smoking cars, with more immaculate skill than ennywhare else.
If yu play thare, yu will often hold a hand that will astonish you, quite often 4 queens and a 10 spot, which will inflame you to bate 7 or 8 dollars that it is a good hand tew play poker with; but you will be more astonished when you see the other feller’s hand, which invariably consists ov 4 kings and a one spot.
Yewker is a mollatto game, and don’t compare tew old sledge in majesty, enny more than the game ov pin does to a square church raffle.
I never play yewker.
I never would learn how, out ov principle.
I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, in Nu England, whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, was born, and exists now in awl its pristine virginity.
I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness.
But I won’t play enny game, if I know my charakter whare a jack will take an ace, and a ten spot won’t count game.
I won’t play no such kind ov a game, out ov respekt to old Connekticut, mi natiff place.
416BEER.
I hav finally com tew the konclusion, that lager beer iz not intoxikatin.
I hav been told so bi a german, who sed he had drank it aul nite long, just tew tri the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober in the morning. I hav seen this same man drink sixteen glasses, and if he was drunk, he was drunk in german, and noboddy could understand it. It iz proper enuff tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus.
I beleaved him tew the full extent ov mi ability. I never drank but 3 glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my hed untwist, as tho it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it was owing tew my bile being out ov place, and I guess that it was so, for I never biled over wuss than i did when I got home that nite. Mi wife was afrade i was agoing tew die, and i was almoste afrade i shouldn’t, for it did seem az tho evrything i had ever eaten in mi life, was cuming tew the surface, and i do really beleave, if mi wife hadn’t pulled oph mi boots, just az she did, they would have cum thundering up too.
Oh, how sick i was! it was 14 years ago, and i kan taste it now.
I never had so much experience, in so short a time.
If enny man should tell me that lager beer was not intoxikating, i should beleave him; but if he should tell me that i want drunk that nite, but that my stummuk was only out ov order, i should ask him tew state over, in a few words, just how a man felt and akted when he was well set up.
If i want drunk that nite, i had sum ov the moste natural simptoms a man ever had, and keep sober.
In the fust place, it was about 80 rods from whare i drank the lager, tew my house, and i was over 2 hours on the road, and had a hole busted thru each one ov mi pantaloon kneeze, and didn’t hav enny hat, and tried tew open the door by the bell-pull, and hickupped awfully, and saw evrything in the 417 room tryin tew git round onto the back side ov me, and in setting down onto a chair, i didn’t wait quite long enuff for it tew git exactly under me, when it was going round, and i sett down a little too soon, and missed the chair by about 12 inches, and couldn’t git up quick enuff tew take the next one when it cum, and that ain’t aul; mi wife sed i waz az drunk az a beast, and az i sed before, i begun tew spit up things freely.
If lager beer iz not intoxikating, it used me almighty mean, that i kno.
Still i hardly think lager beer iz intoxikating, for i hav been told so, and i am probably the only man living, who ever drunk enny when hiz bile want plumb.
I don’t want tew say ennything against a harmless tempranse bevridge, but if i ever drink enny more it will be with mi hands tied behind me, and mi mouth pried open.
I don’t think lager beer iz intoxikating, but if i remember right, i think it tastes to me like a glass with a handle on one side ov it, full ov soap suds that a pickle had bin put tew soak in.
LAUGHING.
It never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreation hav attempted tew laff, (we are quite certain that none hav succeded;) thus this deliteful episode and pleasant power appears tew be entirely within the province ov humans.
It iz the language ov infancy—the eloquense ov childhood,—and the power tew laff is the power to be happy.
It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions; and (with the very few exceptions, sakred tew sorrow) an honest, hearty laff iz always agreeable and in order.
It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner than words.—Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense.—It makes flesh, and keeps it in its place. It drives away weariness and brings a dream ov sweetness tew the sleeper.—It never iz covetous.—It ackompanys charity, and iz the handmaid ov honesty.—It disarms revenge, humbles pride, and iz the talisman ov kontentment.—Sum have kalled it a weakness—a substitute for thought, but really it strengthens wit, and adorns wisdum, invigorates the mind, gives language ease, and expreshun elegance.—It holds the mirror up tew 419 beauty; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtew heavenly.
It iz the light ov life; without it we should be but animated ghosts.
It challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and carries haff ov poverty’s bundles.—It costs nothing, comes at the call, and leaves a brite spot behind.—It iz the only index ov gladness, and the only buty that time kannot effase.—It never grows old; it reaches from the cradle clear tew the grave.
Without it, love would be no pashun, and fruition would show no joy.—It iz the fust and the last sunshine that visits the heart; it was the warm welkum ov Eden’s lovers, and was the only capital that sin left them tew begin bizzness with outside the Garden ov Paradise.
THE ADVENT NO. 2.
The seckund adventists, and adventisses, are a people ov slo growth, but remarkabel vigor and grate endurance. They have been to work, with both hands, for about thirty years, to mi knowledge, in bringing this world tew her milk; and tho often outfigured in the arithmetick ov events, they rub out the slate, and begin agin.
Like all other moral enthusiasts for right or wrong, they tap the bible for their nourishment, and several times, so they say, hav only missed in their kalculations, but about two inches, which iz mighty cluss for so big a thing.
The time haz bin sott, at least a dozen times since i hav bin an inhabitant in this country, and when i waz a boy, az tender, and az green az celery, i kan rekolekt with mi memory, ov having awful palpitations in the naberhood ov the knee-pans, upon one ov the eventful days, and crawled under the barn, not to be in the way.
But az i grew older—if i didn’t gro enny wizer—I had the 420 satisfackshun ov growing bigger, and more less afrade ov advents.
I cum tew the konklusion, sum time since, that Divine Providence treated the world, without enny ov the succor or scientifick attainments ov man, and he probably would be able to destroy it in the same way.
I hav alwus thought, judgeing from what little i hav bin able tew pick, that waz lieing around loose, ov man’s internal natur, thet if the world hadn’t bin bilt, before man waz, he probably wouldn’t hav bin satizfied if he couldn’t hav put in hiz lip.
Man iz an uneazy kritter, and luvs tew tell how things ought tew be bilt and haz got jist impudence enuff tew offer his valuable services tew the Lord espeshily in the way ov advice.
Now I am confidently ov the opinyun that the world will sumtime be knocked out ov time; it hain’t got the least partickle ov immotality about it, that I hav bin able tew diskover, it iz az certain tew di az man iz, and i think enny boddy, who will take slate, and pencil, and straddle a chair calmly, and cypher out the earth’s death to day, iz no wizer; nor less imprudent and wicked, than if he figgured on hiz nabors phunneral, and then blabbed it all around town.
The bible that i was brought up on, sez: “that the son of man cometh like a thief in the night,” and evry boddy knows, that the fust intimashun we hav ov a thief’s visit iz, that he haz been here, and left.
421Thare iz a large share ov the students, in the secund advent dokter stuff, that are pupils ov pitty, they cum into this world, not only naked, but without enny brains, nor enny place suitable tew put enny, the fust bizzness, ov enny consequence they do, iz to begin to wonder, and it ain’t long before the phool nuss picks them up, and givs them a stiddy job.
This iz the way the common adventer iz made, and if he aint a stool pidgeon for life in the second advent speckulashun, he iz in sum other cuming thing, with a hole in the bottom ov it, for enny man who iz eazy to phool, loves to be phooled.
The fust originators ov phalse doktrines, are most alwus dupes tew their own ignorance, but if the doctrine seems tew he a hit, then yu will see men ov brains, who ought tew be ashamed ov sich wickedness, take the masheen bi the crank, and run it.
I dont know whether Mr. Miller waz the inventor ov this seckond advent abortion or not, but if he waz, i will bet a haff pint ov peenuts, and pay whether i win or lose, that he waz a phatt, lazy old simpleton who lived on a back road, az ignorant ov the bible az a kuntry hoss doktor iz ov medicin.
I am alwus reddy tew pitty, and forgiv a phool, espeshily when he dont step on enny boddy but himself.
Thare iz one thing about theze enthusiasts that iz phair, and rather remarkable for humbuggers, they destroy themselfs, az well az the rest ov us, at the same pop.
Mi opinyun iz, if the worl should consent tew cum tew an end, to suit their reckoning, they would be az skared a sett ov carpet-baggers, az yu could find, and be the fust ones to say, that the figgures had lied.
I am willing tew dubble mi haff pint bet ov peenuts, and make it a pint, that thare aint a Millerite now living, nor ever agoing tew liv, whom yu could git tew take 87 1-2 cents in change for a dollar greenback, or who would giv a dubble price for a breakfasst, on the morning ov the day that iz sott for the worlds destrukshun.
Enthusiasm, and seckond adventism, iz cheap, but a dollar iz wuth the face ov it.
422Oh! impudence, whare iz thy sting! Oh! pholly, whare iz thy viktory!
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.
Qu.—How fast will the “come-ing man” probably travel?
Ans.—It iz unpossibul tew say, but if he kant beat 2:25, he’d better stay whare he is, for there is no glory left for a slow cuss, in these parts, but to run foot races with the crab family.
Qu.—What are yure centiments in regard tew southern rekonstrukshun?
Ans.—In mi opinyun, the best kind ov rekonstrukshun for the South, iz to be born agin.
Qu.—What iz the most karniverous animal?
Ans.—Death.
Qu.—What iz the eaziest thing tew digest?
Ans.—A good joke.
Qu.—Do yu think that females kan ever praktiss medicine suckcessfully?
Ans.—Whi not! they kan beat the world bleeding a pocket book.
Qu.—Iz thare ennything that iz proof against ridikule?
Ans.—Nothing that i kno ov, except fashion, and musketoze.
Qu.—Iz it proper tew speak tew a lady acquaintance in the street fust, or last?
Ans.—I should think fust, for they tell me that wimmin will hav the last word.
Qu.—Who are the only real temperance folks in the world?
Ans.—The Greenlanders, whiskey never thaws out thare.
Qu.—Iz it proper under enny circumstances tew use the word Damn as a tonick?
Ans.—It might possibly be proper, in speaking ov a river that waz dry eleven months in the year, to state carefully that it wasn’t worth a dam.
423Qu.—What iz one ov the principal dutys we owe to our country?
Ans.—The customs.
Qu.—Dew you beleave in the mirakel ov Pharaoh and hiz hosts, being drank up by the Red see?
Ans.—I do; and i would like tew see the same old mirakel tried over agin ov faro and hiz hosts, in New York city.
Qu.—Which do yu konsider the most general pashun ov the humin heart?
Ans.—The luv ov applauze; it sticks tew evryboddy during life, and repeats itself on the tumestun.
Qu.—If yu waz blest! with a boy, which ov the lernt profeshions would yu dedikate him to?
Ans.—The shumakers.
Qu.—Iz thare enny rule to obtain long life?
Ans.—Only one; liv virtuously; a good life, if ever so short, kasts a lengthning shaddo back upon time, and forward into eternity.
Qu.—Which do yu kount the happyest time in a man’s life?
Ans.—Immediately after he haz did a square thing.
Qu.—Is whiskee a tonick?
Ans.—No, it iz an alterative; it alters dollars into pence, and men into bruits.
Qu.—Iz revenge a viktory?
Ans.—Kill a hornet after he haz stung yu, and see if the wound heals enny quicker.
Qu.—Don’t you think that nearly awl the shrewd sayings and snug fitting maxims, in support ov morality, and for the scourgeing ov vice and pholly are simply a rehash ov what haz been written long ago bi the ancients?
Ans.—I do, but that iz no argument aginst their reputation; thare iz just az mutch use for phisick now az thare was when kaster ile waz fust invented.
Qu.—What is the difference between a mistake and a blunder?
Ans.—When a man sets down a poor umbrella and takes 424 up a good one he makes a mistake, but when he sets down a good umbrella and takes up a poor one he makes a blunder.
Qu.—If i couldn’t hav but one thing, what dew yu think it would be?
Ans.—Kontentment, for with that i could buy awl the rest.
Qu.—Which do yu think iz the best representative man, the lively or the sorry Christian?
Ans.—Thare aint nothing in mi praktiss so hard tew judge ov az pius heft, but i don’t think the Lord ever takes the length of a man’s face for a suit of heavenly clothes; he measures the soul.
Qu.—What iz the best cure for love?
Ans.—Tew liv on it.
Qu.—What iz the best cure for pride?
Ans.—A fall on the ice before folks.
Qu.—What iz a sik old bachelor like?
Ans.—A cocoon.
Qu.—What iz an excuse?
Ans.—The finesse ov reason.
Qu.—What iz the difference between Saratoga and Long Branch?
Ans.—At Saratoga it iz to go in full dress; at Long Branch it iz to undress and go in.
Qu.—Where do the vain go tew when they die?
Ans.—A barber’s shop.
LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE.
Theze three places are wet spots.
I visited them all during the past seazon, and kant be mistaken about this.
Upon my arrival at Long Branch, i commenced at once tew drink the water, but it did not answer mi expektashun.
I like lemonade, and milk puntch, and sum sider, but mineral water aint mi fort.
425I think the water at Long Branch iz too psalt.
I noticed that most ov the people went out into the water sum ways from the shore, the water may taste more fresh out thare.
I laid down on mi flat stummuk, cluss tew the edge ov the water, and drank sum.
LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE.
But the folks that waz out in the water got on a frolik, and pushed the water into the shore so mutch that it went all over me.
This waz looked upon az kussid smart, and every boddy laffed.
I did not see enny thing phunny in it, and so i didn’t laff.
The water at Long Branch iz verry plenty, and will last for menny years to cum, if they are saving ov it. They told me that the water at Long Branch waz good for the fidgit, and the conipshun.
I think if the water waz strained, and the mineral got out ov it, i might worry down sum ov it.
I took a jug ov the water home, and tried it on mi aunt, who haz a fidgit once in a while, but she didn’t hanker for it but once.
I sent a vial ov it tew our minister, and the next Sunday hiz text waz, “if psalt has lost its saver, whare shall it be psalted.”
While i waz at Long Branch i think thare waz more than 426 a millyun ov people cum and went, and i didn’t hear one ov them find enny phalt with the taste ov the water.
I shall go down thare next spring early, and stay thare till i learn how tew like the water.
While at Long Branch i put up at the Continental hotel, which iz handy to the water.
This hotel is 7 hundred feet long, and one hundred and sixty-five feet thick, and the water iz lokated just about in front ov the middle ov the hotel.
The landlord ov this hotel iz a very clever phellow, and told me he had kept the house 5 years, and couldn’t drink the water yet with mutch suckcess.
His name iz W. H. Borrows, and i reckomend him to all who are in search ov a landlord.
I went from Long Branch to Saratoga immejiately and begun to drink.
I don’t think the water at Saratoga iz so mineral az at Long Branch.
I staid at Saratoga four weeks, and worked away at the water all the time.
The more i drinkt, the less i wanted to.
The water ain’t so numerous at Saratoga, az it iz at Long Branch, and that iz the reason whi they bottle it.
I stopt at the Grand Union Hotel while at Saratoga, and noticed several people thare.
This hotel iz kept by the Lelands, and iz kept just az i should keep hotel, if i waz a going tew keep one.
I always thought it waz dredful easy to keep a good hotel, and after staying 4 weeks at the Grand Union I know it iz.
The clerks at this hotel are a hansum set ov phellows and they all told me they knew how to drink the water.
I shall cum here next summer and stop at this same hotel, if they will let me, and i shall keep comeing year after year, until i learn how to finally drink the water.
From Saratoga i went to Lake George.
I went by the Adirondax ralerode, and found it a most delitesum route, besides being mutch the cheapest.
427One reason ov this waz bekauze the superintendant ov the rode presented me with a pass to go and cum.
I kan say to all who are going to Lake George to drink the waters, yu had better go by the Adirondax route yu will git less dust and more shade; yu will find good stages, jolly drivers, kind agents, and just az like az not, a free pass for yourself and wife.
I reached Lake George in time to drink before dinner, and couldn’t taste enny psalt in the water.
I waz suprized at this, and concluded i had injured mi taste.
I tried the water the next morning, and found them still unsalty, and paid mi bill, and left.
The landlord asked me, with tears in hiz eyes, what waz the matter, and i whispered in hiz ear that the water lakt psalt.
He begged mi pardon, and offered tew fix sum for me.
I left Lake George with the firm convikshun that the water iz too fresh tew be proffitable.
Sumthing was sed tew me about the scenery around Lake George being so fine; but i didn’t go for scenery, i went for water.
After spending eleven weeks ov pure, unspekeled happiness, i find miself at hum agin, feeling like a birde, but a leetle water-soaked.
I shall start in a phew days for Utaw, and shall spend the winter thare, and praktiss on the waters.
I am told that the waters at psalt lake are more substanshall tew drink than enny others.
I shall visit Brigham Young while i am thare, and study pollygamy.
If pollygamy iz a blessing, the quicker we all find it out the better.
I forgot to state that i saw one man at Saratoga drink 9 glasses ov mineral water konsekutiff. They sed he waz a sailor—a regular old psalt.
I also saw one man at Long Branch drink more water than he could swaller. He cum very near drounding to deth.
But thare iz excepshuns tew the general rule.
428SUM VEGETABEL HISTORY.
The strawberry is one ov natur’s sweet pets.
She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust she makes, and never allows them tew be sold at a mean price.
The culler ov the strawberry iz like the setting sun under a thin cloud, with a delicate dash of the rain bo in it; its fragrance iz like the breath ov a baby, when it fust begins tew eat wintergreen lossingers; its flavor is like the nektar which an old-fashioned goddess used tew leave in the bottom ov her tumbler, when Jupiter stood treat on Mount Ida.
There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable, but not a mean one in the whole lot.
I think i have stole them, laying around loose, without enny pedigree, in sumboddy’s tall grass, when I waz a lazy schoolboy, that eat dredful easy, without enny white sugar on them, and even a bug occasionally mixed with them in the hurry of the moment.
Cherrys are good, but they are too mutch like sucking a marble, with a handle tew it.
Peaches are good, if yu don’t git enny ov the pin-feathers into yure lips.
Watermelons will suit ennyboddy who iz satisfied with halfsweetened drink; but the man who can eat strawberrys besprinkled with crushed shuggar, and besmattered with sweet cream, (at sumboddy else’s expense), and not lay hiz hand on hiz stummuk, and thank the author ov strawberrys and stummuks, iz a man with a worn-out conscience—a man whose mouth tastes like a hole in the ground, that don’t care what goes down it.
NEW ASHFORD.
The village ov New Ashford iz lokated in the state ov Massachusetts, and iz about 150 miles west ov Plymouth rok.
429It iz one ov them towns that dont make enny fuss, but for pure water, pure morals, and good rye, and injun bread, it stands on tiptoze.
It waz settled soon after the landing ov the pilgrims, bi sum ov that party, and like all the Nu England towns, waz, at one time, selebrated for its stern religious creed, and its excellent rum and tanzy.
It may seem a leetle strange, tew these latter day saints, tew hear me mix up rum and religion together, but i had an Unkle, who preached God’s word in the next town south ov New Ashford, 80 years ago, who died in due time, and went to heaven.
This genial old saint alwus took, on week daze, three magnificent horns ov rum and tanzy, and Sundaze he took four.
I hav no doubt it lengthened out hiz time, and braced up hiz faith.
But i wouldn’t advise enny ov the yung klergy ov to-day tew meddle with rum and tanzy, az a fertilizer.
The tanzy iz all rite—it grows az green and az bitter az ever; for man kant adulturate it, but the rum haz bin bedeviled into rank pizon.
One sich horn az mi old unkle used tew absorb between hiz sermons on Sunday (5 inches, good and strong) would disfranchise a whole drove ov preachers now.
In them daze, the preacher waz a stalwart man, and could mo his swarth in the hay field, with the best ov them, and could ride a hard trotting cob or a hoss, 6 miles an hour, all day, akrost the mountains, and set doun at night, to biled pork and kabbage, and kold injun puddin, and after thanking the Lord for his menny mersys, eat hiz way klean to the middle ov the table.
But times, and men, hav altered, and so haz rum and tanzy.
I dont want them good old times tew cum back agin, we aint pure enuff now tew stand them, neither are we tuff enuff.
Our virtews may be az pure in the eyes ov heaven, but they kant stand the biled pork, and rum, ov one hundred years ago.
430We are told that mankind are growing weaker and wizer; weaker i admit, but wisdum that is gained at the expense ov simplicity may be a doubtful gain.
I never hav met an old man yet, who didn’t mourn the degeneracy ov the times.
Wisdum don’t konsist in knowing more that iz new, but in knowing less that iz false.
But, dear Mr. ——, i will now git back tew whare i am, and tell yu sumthin about New Ashford.
If yu luv a mountain, cum up here and see me.
Right in front ov the little tavern, whare i am staying, rizes up a chunk ov land, that will make yu feel weak tew look at it.
I hav bin on its top, and far above waz the brite blu ski, without a kloud swimming in it, while belo me the rain shot slanting on the valley, and the litening played its mad pranks.
How is this for hi?
But what a still place this New Ashford iz.
At sunrize the roosters crow all around, once apiece; at sunset the cows cum hollering home tew be milked; and at twilite out steal the krickets, with a song, the burden ov which seems sad and weary.
This iz all the racket thare iz in New Ashford. It iz so still here that you can hear a feather drop from a blujay’s tail.
Out ov this mountain, squeezed bi the weight ov it, leaks a little brook ov water, and up and down this brook each day i loiter.
In mi hand i hav a short pole, on the end ov the pole a short line, on the line a sharp hook, looped on the hook a grub, or a worm.
Every now and and then thare cums dancing out ov this little brook a live trout no longer than yure finger, but az sweet az a stick ov kandy, and in he goes at the top ov mi baskit.
This iz what i am here for; trout for breakfast, trout for dinner and trout for supper.
431I am az happy and az lazy az a yerling heifer.
I hav not a kare on mi mind, not an ake in mi boddy.
I haven’t read a nuzepaper for a week, and wouldn’t read one for a dollar.
I shall stay here till mi munny givs out, and shall cum bak tew the senseless crash ov the city, with a tear in mi eye, and holes in both ov mi boots.
This world iz phull ov fun, but most pholks look too hi for it.
On one side ov this mountain they say thare iz rattlesnaix, on that side of the mountain, iz whare i dont go.
I am just az fraid ov a snaix as a woman iz, i had rather meet the devil, ennytime, on a bust, than a three foot snaik. A striped snaik in the morning spiles the rest ov that day for me.
I am coming home, dear Friends in two months, and then i will set down, in yure little sanktum, and whisper to you.
It iz so still here, that a whisper sounds loud; a still noize iz another name, i beleave, for happiness. The bible sez: “peace, be still.”
The fust thing i do in the morning, when i git up, iz tew go out and look at the mountain, and see if it iz thare, if this mountain should go away, how lonesum i should be.
Yesterday i picked one quart ov field strawberrys, kaught 27 trout, and gathered a whole parcell ov wintergreen leaves, a big daze work.
432When i got home last night tired, no man kould hav bought them ov me for 700 dollars, but i suppoze, after all, that it waz the tired that waz wuth the munny.
Thare is a grate deal ov raw bliss, in gitting tired.
Dear Mr. ——, good-bye, it iz now 9 clok, P. M., and every thing, in New Ashford, iz fast asleep, inkluding the krickets, I will just step out and see if the mountain iz thare, and then I will go to bed too.
Oh! the bliss ov living up in New Ashford, cluss bi the side ov a grate giant mountain tew guard yu, whare every thing iz az still as a boys tin whissell at midnite, a musketo couldn’t liv long enuff tew take one bite, whare board iz only 4 dollars a week, and everyboddy, kats and all, at 9 clok, P. M., are fast asleep, and snoreing.
BENDS.
Historians and biographers having refused tew giv enny transparent account ov the various Bends that hav got into things, us naturalists have passed a resolushun tew take them up az a kind ov estrays, and tew treat of them in a joyful and flexible manner.
The most butiful, az well az truest bilt Bend, in this grate republick, iz the rainbow.
For the informashun ov the scholler we shall simply state that this Bend iz only seen in the east, and haz not yet reached the west, altho the enterprising people who liv in thoze parts undoubtedly will soon hav them, on a mutch bigger and improved plan.
Bends are both natral and artyfishall, and among the natral ones it will, perhaps, be well enuff tew menshun north Bend, in the State ov Ohio, the home ov General Harrison, formerly a President ov the grate republick; and also south Bend, in the State ov Indiana, the residence ov Schuyler Colfax, who, while i am putting down these remarks, iz running very fast for the Vice Presidency ov this grate republick with a certainty ov winning that iz butiful tew behold.
(Later—He haz won.)
433Another wonderful and awe-inspiring Bend in this grate republick is the political Bend.
This Bend iz az common and az limber az the figger 8.
It kan stand on her hed, or on her feet, or lay down on her side, and be the same thing all the time.
It kan turn a summerset over backwards, or back a summersett over forwards.
Menny ov our most noble pollyticians hav bent theirselfs in diffrent spots so often that they travel like a sick snake.
Thare iz one little Bend, prakticed bi both old and young men, that haz opened the way for more anguish than awl the other crooks in the world put in a heap together, i mean the elbo Bend, that cauzes the mout tew fly apart on its hinges, and let the burglar whiskee tew rob the brain ov its patrimony reazon, and illuminate the soul with the torchlights ov the devil.
In life matrimonial we hav the conjugaler Bend, which brings a man down on the hard pan ov hiz knees, and makes him az eazy, and interesting tew handle as a rat in a steel trap.
This iz a good Bend tew take once in a while, but never ought tew git chronick.
This puts me in mind tew soliliquize az follows:—a household, with a woman at the top ov it, and a man at the bottom ov it, iz one ov thoze concerns whare the wife haz authority without power, whare the yung ones are sassy without reproach, and whare the husband iz meek without virtew.
In fashionabel life a new Bend haz just appeared, (August 19th, 1868,) which iz under the patronage ov both genders, the fop and the belle.
This iz a dorsal Bend near the back fin, and gives the wearers ov it, when in moshun, the appearance ov a hen turkey making for a woodshed in a heavy shower ov rain.
I kno ov no meaning or apology for this crook, only the name ov it, it iz called the Grecian Bend, which iz expekted tew sanktify it.
I don’t kno how the present inhabitants ov Greece do their 434 travelling; they are about played out, and may be hump backed. But if Solan, the ancient wisdom maker and law-giver ov Athens, had caught one ov hiz gals with this gorge in her back, i will bet 10 dollars he would hav ordered it taken oph with a jack-plane.
How long this knapsack gait will continnew to be fashionabel in New York, the home ov folly, whare just now it iz being experimented with, i am unabel tew reply, but i hope not long enuff tew transmit the hump tew posterity.
I love mi fair yung countrywimmin with a gladness bordering on delirium tremens, and when a native ov Madagascar, not more than haff civilized, asked me the other day, on Broadway, what ailed all the yung squaws he met, i waz forced tew hide a tear, and reply hurriedly, in lo Duch:
“Nix for stix!” and shook oph the Madagaskine cuss quick.
I don’t know ov but one thing now that but few would hanker for, if it should ever bekum fashionabel again, and that iz good, square, pony-bilt common sense, without enny Bend in it.
Common sense in these times haz tew beg for a living.
What an awful thing it would be if this Grecian Bend should refuse tew let go its holt, by-and-by, when sum nu crook in sum other part ov the boddy should hump itself! What a lot ov unsaleable females we should hav thrust on the market!
I am in favour ov enny fashion that iz not an open insult tew natur, but i kant bear tew see natur hit in the small ov the back; it iz a cowardly blow on an aimabel critter, whose greatest pleasure iz tew harm noboddy.
KOLIDING.
The wurd “kolide,” used bi ralerode men, haz an indefinit meaning tew menny folks.
Thru the kindness of a nere and dear frend, i am able tew 435 translate the wurd so that enny man kan understand it at onst.
The term “kolide” is used tew explain the sarkumstanse ov 2 trains ov cars triing tew pass each uther on a single trak.
TEW LATE FUR THE TRANE.
It is ced that it never yet haz bin did suckcessfully, hence a “kolide.”
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Amerikans love caustick things; they would prefer turpentine tew colone-water, if they had tew drink either.
So with their relish of humor; they must hav it on the half-shell with cayenne.
An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint sauce, and he iz willing tew wait till next day before he tastes it.
436If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got tew do it quick.
An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but he don’t luv tew make a bizzness ov it; he works, eats, and hawhaws on a canter.
I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor.
We havn’t had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and git the wit out ov it.
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Having herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the grate amount ov helth and muscle they woz imparting tew the present generashun at a slite advanse from fust cost, i bought a ticket and went within the fense.
I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 akers ov artifishall water, which waz owned bi a stock company, and froze tew order.
Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery buildings, where the wimmen sot on benches while the fellers (kivvered with blushes) hitched the magick iron tew their feet.
It waz a most exsiting scene: the sun waz in the skey—and the wind waz in the air—and the birds were in the South—and the snow waz on the ground—and the ice lay shivering with a bad kold—and angells (ov both genders) flucktuated past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a little and thare a good deal.
It waz a most exsiting scene; I wanted tew holler “Bully” or lay down and rool over.
But i kept in, and aked with glory.
Helth waz piktured on menny a nobell brow.
Az the femail angells put out ov the pond, side by side with the male angells, it waz the most powerfull scene i ever stood behind.
The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze, and the feathers in their jockeys fluttered in the breeze and 437 other things (tew mutch to menshun) fluttered in the breeze.
I don’t think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life—on ice.
For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dum exsitement.
I felt like a kanall hoss turned suddinly out to grass.
I didn’t kno how tew proceed.
Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, cum flying down the trak, 3 lengths ahed ov her male angell, awl eyes ware gorging with her heavenly bust ov speed; she 438 seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and waz bound South, for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew onst, with gorgous swoop terriffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went with squeak terriffick, a living lovely mass ov disastrous skirt and tapring ankle.
Awl gathered around the bursted angell; but lo! in a minnitt’s space, her wings agin was plumed, and evry feather waz in its lawful plase; and on she fled laffing like wine thru its buteous blushes.
I had saw enuff—more happyness than belonged tew me—and az i sloly wended back tew mi home at the tavern i felt—good.—
WRITERS AT SHORT RANGE.
Dear Mr. —— —— ——: Your letter to me this morning for more copy haz given birth to the follering home made refleckshuns upon thoze short skribblers, who, like miself, infest the virtewous press.
It may look like an eazy task tew thoze who never tried it, tew write a half a collum ov comik essa each week, and it iz an eazy task to thoze who never tried it, but to thoze who hav tried it, and who hav even suckceeded but a few inches, it iz a good deal like lifting things that are tied down.
In the first place a comik essa must hav a short back, be sharp on the withers, not tew long legged, kind in all harness, hard to skare, and able to show 2:40 to a road waggon.
The power ov a comik essa resides in its idea, either original or admirably stolen, not in its words, strung out lazily like a snake sunning himself in the sand.
It iz no place for yure short essayer to hide among the debris ov abstrakted thoughts, or skulk behind a flame colored paragraff, or doze in recital upon an ebb tide, or hammer out an iron proposishun into points more or less dull, or quote latin, or bad french, but he must be az short az a nuzeboy’s prayer, az sudden az the end ov a rope, az quick az a sneeze, and az brilliant in hiz busts az a ski rocket.
439Awl real strength iz short; thinks are broke, or histed with a jerk; comik essayers must ram pages into paragraffs; wit, or humor, iz something like ginger pop—thar is about as mutch in the pop, that is interesting, as thare iz in the ginger.
Theze short essays are like buckwheat slap-jacks; evryboddy seems tew like them hot, and tew git them hot iz jest where the little joker cums in.
A lukewarm comik essay haz no more fun in it than a Dutch konumdrum tew a man who don’t understand the language.
I often git letters from sum of our best philanthropisters, who love me, thay say, and who wonder whi i don’t write sum longer things. Awl I kan say tew them iz, that a short bilt writer iz often dull enuff, and a long bilt one iz necessisarily so. A streak ov lazy lightning, a mile long, that anyboddy kan dodge, soon loozes awl its novelty.
Thare iz grate power in words, if yu don’t hitch tew menny ov them together; but their only power iz the interpretashun ov ideas; and the more ginger you kan git intu the pod the better the dose.
Sum men are never so brilliant as when they don’t make enny remarks, and no man needn’t git mad at himself bekauze he haz sed a good thing without wasting a word.
A comik essayer haz got tew have a sprinkling ov the monkey in him; he must akt sensible things strangely; it iz not an eazy task tew be a good monkey, nor will it exackly answer tew be an artyfishall monkey; the deviltry in a monkey iz natral—if it want, it wouldn’t be funny, but ridikilous.
Az i hav sed on a feuter occasion before, it iz eazier tew be a good critick, than a poor writer, but i am the last man tew giv enny man mutch credit, for being able tew find fault.
If enny ov yure readers, Dear Mr. —— —— ——, or enny ov the fust klass philanthropisters or philanthropisterisses, hav got anny spare kapital lieing idle, they would like tew insert into the comik essa bizness, i am reddy tew sell out mi small stock, good will and fixtures, and i will quietly go into the frogs hind 440 legg trade, and at the end ov 90 days, if they don’t find the silver-plated nonsense bizzness harder tew steer than they think it iz, i will giv them credit for having a good stock ov brains or impudense, i don’t know whitch.
A man who iz on a jurney, iz expekted tew go slow, and git dull, but if he iz on an errand he iz expekted tew be lively, it iz jistly thus with yure long and yure cluss bilt writers.
I hope thoze who take the pain tew read this squiblet, will giv me credit for writing what i think, if it ain’t so sarching and brilliant, and i would thank thoze who semioftenly advice me tew pump more power and doxology into what i write, tew purchase me out and sett up the hot paragraff trade theirselfs, and giv us wit on the haff-shell, nitroglycerine humor, fun soaked in kamphene, jests crazy tew go oph at haff cock, and raw sense that will make a saw-hoss laff.
I am mad that i ever set sail in the comik essa schooner, tew be so often caught on the flats, and if i could git out of it now and hav enny karakter at all left i would grab at the offer.
I will stop bi saying that it iz a darn sight eazier tew write too mutch than it iz too little, and awl comik attempts, must be quick tew win, for folks wont bear but little phooling at once on enny subjik, and i say bully for you, folks.
BEAU BENNET’S SUPPLIKASHUN.
Kind Fortune, teach thi servant humility, but let no sneak ov an upstart outshine him in things that are stylish.
Giv unto me morality copious; and may mi shirt kollars be stiffer than china and whiter than snoballs in winter.
Smile, thou goddess dear, at mi mustash, and may mi wisdum be grate—even like unto Solaman’s.
Grant that i may a pattern be, worthy ov all imitashun, and that i able may be to wear a boot number 5 on these number 10 feet ov mine.
441Fill up mi kup tew the brim’s verry top with honor and honesty, and make mi neckties mine enemies tew smite with sorrow and silent confushion.
Take away from me all vanity, but grant that mi Sunday panterloons may fit me, even az korn fitteth the kob.
Remove far from me, O gentle Fortune! all pride and vain ostentashun, but grant that mi name amung wimmin may ever be spoken in acksents of gladness.
Make my heart tew glisten with charity, but teach mi taylor and shumaker how tew wait for their munny and be happy.
Let mi heart feast on the truth, but smile thou upon mi kork leg and periwig nobby.
Remove far from me all gluttony, but preserve mi appetight for toast with a quail on it in all its original buty.
Teach me tew shun all decepshun, but help me tew marry a big pile at last, making sum maiden or yung widdo happy.
Take away from my heart all envy, but grant, kind Fortune, that mi hat kant be beat, nor the lavender tint ov mi gloves be exceeded.
Fill me with courage true and reddy, but if enny man offers tew smote me, giv tew mi feet the fleetness ov venson and mi legs the speed ov the roebuck.
Remove all affektashun far from me, but enable me tew keep up appearances, if i hav tew cheat a little tew do it.
442Abuv all things with modesty shower me. Yea! make me all dripping wet, but don’t let me looze a good chance mi nu koat tew spread before the eyes ov men filled with envy.
Make me at all times ov the poor heathen thoughtful, at church not forgetting the platter tew annoint with a 10 cent plaster.
Remove from me all gra hares, and pimples, all bunyons, and korns pestiverous, and grant that mi calfs may still fatten on saw durst, and mi cheeks feed upon plumpers, and mi harte ever buble and bile over with mersy.
Teach me mi kane tew whirl so pekuliar, and my mustash tew twist into such long draun out sweetness that all the people shall kall me “Yung Purity.”
Smile thou! upon all hatters and barbers, all shirt-makers and gloviers, all perfumers and dentists, all wash-wimmin and shu blaks, and forgiv them the dets i may owe them, and kauze me tew weep over man and hiz menny misfortins.
Bless all maids ov estate, all widdo’s with munny, all mothers ov fashion with dauters tew marry, all good matches laying around loose, but chiefly giv me a conshience full ov aroma.
Lengthen out, kind Fortune, the days ov mi unkle, but should he slip away sudden, bow me down with sorrow bekuming.
Listen! dear Fortune, listen!—giv me the style ov heart breaking Adonis, let the virtews all seek mi acquaintanse, and feed with nu fires exquisit the soltaire that burns on mi buzzum.
I will raize thee an alter, kind Fortune, an alter az hi az a lamp post, if theze mi prayers are answered—farewell for the present—don’t go back on Beau Bennett, the butiful!!
A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY.
Yu are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, and i suppose thare wud be no impropriety in mi saing for the last time tew.
443It is hily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool plase, and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other wurds, less poetick but equally tru, yu sarch out the ramifikashun ov natur, and see what natur haz ramified yu for.
Now Skriptur will tell yu, that men don’t gether pigs from thissels, neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor enny ov his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye.
Kauze and affeck iz anuther awful good thing to studdy; yu will find this talked ov in Dan Webster’s dicktionary.
Having follered the above advise, and having hefted the above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion whether it iz best for yu tu studdy law or studdy shumaking, both ov them honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew helth.
Yu will also be enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu 444 hav a kall, tew preach the gospil, or sel yankee noshuns at auction, both ov them respektuous, if honestla follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end at laste in the bronkeetis.
The studdy ov medisin will present itself and flap its wings and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot down, as rekomended above, and tuk akount ov yure liabilitys, and kno tew a spot whether yu air konstructed rite for a veteran surgeon amung hosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kalamil & gallup amung men, wimmin & childrin.
Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess clussly between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at onst, but if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up yure cue, naturally & akordinly.
Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik; but if yu find yu hav kalico on the brain, & aint afraid tew stretch the cloth & the truth a little, when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the kounter like an ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure kustomers like a sleeping babe trubbled with dreams.
Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether yu wil be a pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil.
If yu hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste intimate friends, and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys on lecktion daze, buying votes with cheap whiska and kounterfit munny, and dont expek tew buy elekshun, and then sell yure principles tew git even; if yu kant go this, and tend awl the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks sa, “What an ornyment to sosiety he iz!” i sa, if yu kant go all this without blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain an honest living bi cheatin on the square.
Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feeling towards yu bi the author, and if yu foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu wil diskiver the wiggling ov yure genius, in time perhaps, tew saive yureselfs from cuming the gove nor ov sum state, when natur kindly ramified yu for a carpenter and jiner.
445FEMALE REMARKS.
Dear Girls, are yu in sarch ov a husband?
This is a pumper, and y u are not required tew say “Yes” out loud, but are expekted tew throw yure eyes down onto the earth, az tho yu waz looking for a pin, and reply tew the interrogatory, with a kind ov draud-in sigh, az tho yu waz eating an oyster, juice and all, off from the half shell.
Not tew press so tender a theme untill it bekums a thorn in the flesh, we will presume (tew avoid argument) that yu are on the look-out for sumthing in the male line tew boost yu in the up-hill ov life, and tew keep hiz eye on the britching when yu begin tew go down the other side of the mountain. Let me give yu sum small chunks ov advice how tew spot yure fewter hussband:
1. The man who iz jellous ov every little attenshun which yu git from sum other fellow, yu will find, after yu are married tu him, luvs himself more than he duz yu, and what yu mistook for solissitude, yu will diskover, has changed into indifference. Jellousy isn’t a heart-diseaze; it is a liver-komplaint.
2. A mustash is not indispensible; it iz only a little more hair, and iz a good deal like moss and other excressences—often duz the best on sile that won’t raize ennything else. Don’t forgit that thoze things which yu admire in a phellow before marriage, yu will probably hav tew admire in a hussband after, and a mustash will git tew be very weak diet after a long time.
3. If hussbands could be took on trial, az irish-cooks are, two-thirds ov them would probably be returned; but thare don’t seem tew be enny law for this. Tharefore, girls, yu will see that after yu git a man, yu hav got tew keep him, even if yu loose on him. Consequently, if yu hav got enny kold vitles in the house, try him on them, once in a while, during courting season, and if he swallers them well, and sez he will take sum more, he is a man who, when blue Monday cums will wash well.
4464. Don’t marry a pheller who iz alwus a-telling how hiz mother duz things. It iz az hard tew suit these men as it iz tew wean a yung one.
5. If a yung man kan beat yu playing on a pianner, and kant hear a fish-horn playing in the street without turning a back summersett on account ov the musick that iz in him, i say, skip him; he might answer tew tend babe, but if yu sett him tew hoeing out the garden, yu will find that yu hav got tew do it yureself. A man whoze whole heft lies in musick (and not very hefty at that), ain’t no better for a husband than a seedlitz powder; but if he luvs tew listen while yu sing sum gentle ballad, yu will find him mellow, and not soft. But don’t marry enny boddy for jist one virtew enny quicker than yu would flop a man for jist one fault.
6. It iz one of the most tuffest things for a female tew be an old maid successfully. A great menny haz tried it, and made a bad job ov it. Evryboddy seems tew look upon old maids jist az they do upon dried harbs—in the garret, handy for sickness—and, tharefore, girls, it aint a mistake that yu should be willing tew swop yurself oph, with some true phellow, for a hussband. The swop iz a good one; but don’t swop for enny man who iz respektabel jist bekause his father iz. You had better be an old maid for 4 thousand years, and then join the Shakers, than tew buy repentance at this price. No woman ever made this trade who didn’t git either a phool, a mean cuss, or a clown for a hussband.
7. In digging down into his subject, i find the digging grows harder the further i git. It iz mutch easier tew inform yu who not tew marry, than who tew, for the reason thare iz more ov them.
I don’t think yu will foller mi advise, if i giv it; and, tharefore, i will keep it; for i look upon advise as i do upon castor ile—a mean dose tew giv, and a mean dose tew take.
But i must say one thing, girls, or spile. If you kan find a bright-eyed, healthy, and well-ballasted boy, who looks upon poverty az sassy az a child looks upon wealth—who had rather sit down on the curb-stun, in front ov the 5th avenue 447 hotel, and eat a ham sandwitch, than tew go inside, and run in debt for hiz dinner and toothpick—one who iz armed with that kind ov pluck, that mistakes a defeat for a victory, mi advise is tew take him boddy and soul—snare him at onst, for he iz a stray trout, or a breed very skase in our waters.
Take him i say, and bild onto him, az hornets bild on to a tree.
PRIVATE OPINYUNS.
Mi private opinyun iz—that politeness iz about the only profeshion ov humans that i endorse without looking into.
Mi private opinyun iz—that the man who cheats me, iz a good deal mi inferior.
Mi private opinyun of Fame iz—that it konsists in being praized wrongfully while yu liv, and being damd inkorektly when yu are ded, and the very best it kan do for enny man, iz tew make him respektably forgotten.
Mi private opinyun iz—that a bad joke, iz like a bad eg, all the wuss for being cracked.
Mi private opinyun iz—that manufaktring phun for other pholks amusement, iz like hatching out egs, a sober, stiddy bizzness.
Mi private opinyun iz—that originality in writing waz played out long ago, and the very best that enny man kan do, iz tew steal with good judgement, and then own it like a man.
Mi private opinyun iz—that the most that learning kan do for us, iz tew teach us how little we kno.
Mi private opinyun ov civilashun iz—that it alwus ends in luxury, and luxury alwus ends in destruckshun. The barbarians hav alwus outlasted the Christians, i am dredful sorry for this, but i kant help it.
Mi private opinyun ov dandys iz—that they are moraly hybrid, and i guess they are other ways too.
448Mi private opinyun iz—that when a man haint got enny thing tew say, then iz the best time not tew say it.
My private opinyun iz—that sum men did aktually spring from the monkey, and didn’t hav fur tew spring neither.
Mi private opinyun ov Rum iz—that the man who sells it to hiz fello man iz wuss than a hiwayman—the hiwayman demands yure munny or yure life—the rumseller demands both.
Mi private opinyun ov “Wimmin’s Rites” iz—that natur haz fixt them jist about rite, and natur never underlets a kontrakt, nor baks out ov a posishun.
Mi private opinyun iz—that humorous lektures kan never be a suckcess, for two reasons—one iz, bekauze most people look upon the men who makes them laff az vastly inferior to them, and the other iz, bekauze a writer in the Atlantik Monthly sez so.
My private opinyun ov sektarian religion iz—that it iz like sider drawn from a musty kask, it alwus tastes ov the kask. Thoze who at last enter Heaven may find the outer walls plakarded with kreeds, but they wont find enny on the inside.
Mi private opinyun iz—that virtew iz better than gold, but i also hav bin told that 10 dollars in gold will go farther towards bilding a church, or a hoss ralerode, than all the piety ov Moses.
449Mi private opinyun ov human natur iz—that it is like a setting hen, just as krazy tew set whare thare aint no egs as whare thare iz.
Mi private opinyun ov Adam iz—that without enny experience at all, in running the machine, he dun jist as well as the man ov to-day would do, let him step into Paradise to-morrow.
Mi private opinyun ov sparking iz—that az a rekreashun, it iz delightful, but when it settles down into a stiddy bizzness, it iz like hash 3 times a day, rather mixt phood.
Mi private opinyun iz—that the man who mistakes a surly temper for superior intelligence, iz like a toothless kur, who got whipt in hiz last fite, and iz a going tew git lickt in his next one.
Mi private opinyun iz—that a young man oftner neglekts hiz genius for sawing wood than he does for writing poetry.
Mi private opinyun iz—that adversity and temtashun are the very best kind ov tests ov virtew.
Mi private opinyun ov all bores iz—that the gimblet kind iz the most sarching.
Mi private opinyun ov human happiness iz—that it iz like Joner’s gourd, it often looses in a nite all that it gru in a day.
Mi private opinyun ov angels on arth, az far az I hav sarched iz—from fair to midling.
Mi private opinyun ov a braggart iz—that he iz a sheep in wolf’s clothing.
Mi private opinyun ov a prude iz, that their gratest anxiety iz tew have their propriety tempted.
My private opinyun ov a coquet iz, that if they suckceed in dieing an old maid, they don’t deserve all the punishment they receive.
Mi private opinyun ov woman iz, that she iz a natral brick, and she iz a phool just in proporshun that she don’t kno it.
Mi private opinyun ov mothers-in-law iz, that they seldum stop short ov their mishun, but are fully equal tew the ockashun.
450Mi private opinynn ov boys iz, if i hadn’t been one once miself, and a tuff one at that, i should feel like sending the whole ov them, for life, to Botany Bay.
Mi private opinyun ov girls iz, the same az it waz 40 years ago, when i fust phell in luv with one ov them.
Mi private opinyun ov the mass ov mankind iz, that they hav got more branes in their hearts than they hav in their heds, and i ain’t sorry for it neither.
Mi private opinyun iz, that politeness haz won more sudden viktorys than logick haz.
Mi private opinyun ov molassis iz, that while it iz dreadful sweet, it iz dreadful sticky too.
Mi private opinyun ov dogs iz, that their affeckshun ought almost tew make them immortal.
Mi private opinyun ov cats iz, that Judas Iskarriot ought tew hav owned the fust one, and the last one too.
My private opinyun ov a mule iz, that he never waz known tew hit enny thing he kouldn’t reach, but iz alwus reddy tew try it.
Mi private opinyun ov miself iz that while i keep both eyes on mi nabor I hope they wont fail tew keep one eye on me.
My private opinyun iz that here iz a good place tew halt, and i am a big phool if i don’t halt.
A SUGGESTSHUN.
The morning paper iz just az necessary for an Amerikan az dew iz to the grass.
Hot kakes and kaughphy, kodphish bawls, and hash are useful, but the morning paper iz vittles and drink.
An Amerikan who haz not red the morning nuze iz not more than haff edukated for that day; he goes tew hiz bizzness haff-doubtful and haff-ashamed ov himself; he iz afrade tew look hiz nabor in the face, and ackts az ignorant az a man in a strange land who don’t understand the language.
Every man he meets thru the day tells him sumthing nu, and when he goze home at nite he iz az silent and misterious tew the wife ov hiz buzzum az tho he had lost sumthing.
451There iz lots ov pholks who git all their larning out ov the morning papers, and when they hav 2 collums ov it laid in they are az phatt with usephull knowledge az the sekretary ov a sowing sosiety.
They go round az glib az a boy’s windmill in a good breeze; they ain’t afraid to button-hole ennybody and talk incessintly tew the boy on the korner while he shines up hiz shuze.
The man who hain’t red the morning paper, and the man who haz, are about alike uneazy tew encounter. The one who haint, iz az kross az a dog who haint got enny bone, and the other phellow iz az stiff in the back az the dog who haz got two.
I luv miself tew read the morning paper, and i also luv tew go onst in a while away over on the other side ov the mountain, whare thare aint enny morning paper, and set down, and feel ignorant all day. It iz like turning an old hoss out tew grass, and gitting the oats all out ov him.
This ceaseless hankering after nuze iz a good way tew forgit life, but iz not the best way tew enjoy it. It iz often only a mania, and it iz quite az often the kase that what a man learns in this way to day, he phinds out tomorrow aint so.
But an Amerikan kant git along without hiz morning paper. Red hot nuze iz just as necessary tew him tew begin the day with az sider brandy fresh from the still iz to an old toper.
ON COURTING.
Courting is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a beveridge, it is the pla spell ov the soul.
The man who has never courted haz lived in vain; he haz bin a blind man amung landskapes and waterskapes; he has bin a deff man in the land ov hand orgins, and by the side ov murmuring canals.
452Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that steal out from under a rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the hill side by side singing and dansing and spatering each uther, eddying and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full ov sun and now full ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then tha go slow.
I am in faver ov long courting; it gives the parties a chance to find out each uther’s trump kards, it iz good exercise, and is jist as innersent as 2 merino lambs.
Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did slow, then yu git the flaver.
Az a ginral thing i wouldn’t brag on uther gals mutch when i waz courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch.
If yu will court 3 years in this wa, awl the time on the square if yu don’t sa it iz a leettle the slikest time in yure life, yu kan git measured for a hat at my expense, and pa for it.
Don’t court for munny, nor buty, nor relashuns, theze things are jist about az onsartin as the kerosene ile refining bissness, liabel tew git out ov repair and bust at enny minnit.
Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue and bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a mother, court her as yu wud court a farm—for the strength ov the sile and the parfeckshun ov the title; court her as tho she want a fule, and yu a nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the parlor, over the wash-tub, and at the pianner; court this wa, yung man, and if yu don’t git a good wife and she don’t git a good hustband, the falt won’t be in the courting.
Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant make these rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu how the thing is did, and it shant kost yu a cent.
LATEST NUZEPAPER TATLINGS.
Ebenezer Smith haz sold out hiz tannrey at Pordunk hollow, and bout a house on 5th avenew.
The lovely Bridget McGuire (nee chambermaid) will be 453 brought to the alter, sum time this seazon, by the brilliant Dennis O’Tool.
Proffessor Norris haz just returned from the north pole, and reports the size ov the pole to be one foot in diameter at the base, and 94 feet hi. He also brought back with him a pair ov web footed duks.
The Miss Simphonys, ov Providence, are on a visit tew the Miss Sinbads, ov Lexington avenew—lovely creatures all ov them.
Mocking birds’ tongues on toast will be on the bills ov fare, this summer, at the Kontinental Hotel, Long Branch.
The Rev. Namby Pamby asked for a 4 thousand dollar hoist in his salary, or dismissal. The congregashun voted unanimus to let him went. (Bully for the kongregashun.)
Mrs. Ulrich Nikodemus haz changed the hour ov her resepshuns from haff past 2 o’klok P. M., on Wensdays, to a quarter of 3 on the same day, a change ov 15 minnits. Exchange papers will pleaze coppy.
Obadiah Bunkum sold hiz hameltonian pup Jerry, last week, tew Richards, the jews harp solo, for 50 thousand dollars, reserving the collar. This iz spoken ov az so mutch ov a dekline in prices az tew shake the pup market tew its center.
It it sed (but not offishall) that Mr. and Mrs. Punchinello will not visit the White Mountains this summer. Their dauter, 454 Betsy Punchinello, iz sed tew be affianced tew the Baron Von Chaulk, and the family will enter seklushun on this account.
Dick Blister waz arrested yesterday bi offiser Pinkerton for trieing tew pass a counterfit omnibus on a 50 cent driver ov the 23 street line ov stages.
Paul Burdok advertizes for a lost poodle ov the Sanco Panza breed, and offers 40 dollars “for hiz uncerimonious return.” (“Uncerimonious return” iz kussid good.)
Rum and tanzy, a popular gargle a hundred years ago, is being revived among the hi toned cirkles. One man in Nu Jersey haz drove all the musketoze oph from a thousand akers ov land, and planted the whole ov the land with rum and tanzy, in antisipashun ov the sharp rally in bitters that may be looked for.
Jaw Bone Bill a selebrated brave ov the Ninkumpoop tribe ov injuns, on the June Bug river, Californy, waz lately bit apart bi a grizzly bear. Jaw Bone died pretty soon after the occashun, but the bear lived in grate agony for 4 daze, when deth put an end tew hiz sufferings.
Miss Rosa Peachblow, ov Madison avenew sez she iz not affianced tew a prominent Wall street broker, and will giv 5 dollars or thareabouts tew find out who started the fancy sketch. (City papers pleaz copy.)
G. W. Carleton, the publisher, will soon issue a book for Josh Billings, entitled “Eggs ov Comfort Laid by the Hen Consolashun.” (This iz a kussid no sich thing.—J. B.)
The cirkulashun ov the New York Weekly haz allready reached three hundred thousand, and still iz singing that same old tune, “Excelsior.”
The lovely McFizzles (twins) ov “snob place,” will hav a klam bake, sum time this seazon, at their sea side place, “Goose Nook,” to whitch the Van Doodles are invited. (Doubtful.)
Mr. William Pierpont, ov Goshen, Orange County, haz a sucking colt, ov the Hambletonian breed, which lately followed the mare one mile around the trak, in 2 minnits and 23 455 seckonds, on a trot. This is sed tew be 8 seckonds the best mile made yet by enny sucker.
Report sez that the staunch widdow, Angeline Beeach nee Brown, nee Jones, nee Beckwith, nee Smith, nee McPherson, nee Miss Angeline Spraker—5 times a widder, will soon lead tew the alter Walter Roundout, Esq., (Good bye, Walter.)
On dit, that Dick Manchester haz quit the cork minstrel bizzness, and iz starring it legitimately at Sing Sing, on a 2 years engagement.
On ditto, that the peanut krop ov North Karolina iz a failure, and that starvashun must foller.
On dittimus, that George Washington Vinegar will spend sum time this year at the 5th avenew hotel.
New Jersey wants tew be admitted into the Union.
It iz stated that it kosts 13 hundred dollars tew civilize one injun, and then the injun aint worth but 250 dollars. Loss on each injun tew the government, in money, about 1 thousand dollars; but, the moral results are sed tew be heavy. (Let the good work go on.)
Mrs. William Hoboken haz had her clarence nuly painted. The nu color iz chestnut sorrel—the old color waz dapple grey.
We are authorized tew state that Mr. Alanthus haz just returned from the state ov Injunanny in full bloom, having resided thare one year, ackording tew law, and iz now reddy tew receive proposals.
A writer in Blackwood Magazine estimates “that thare haint been over 250 fleas killed since the flood.”
We are pleased tew notiss the growing popularity ov Mr. and Mrs. Jibboom; their respektibility iz now fully established, they having appeared on the avenew with a 2 horse carriage, and a slitely coloured driver, with a velvet hat band and sum yeller brass buttons.
The latest agony in poodles iz saffron, with steel coloured eyes.
Matilda O’Brine, four daze in her last place, with a karacter, will receive proposals at her residence, in Albany street.
456No objeckshuns tew going into the country for the summer az companyun tew a lady, provided suitable references are given! Lessons on the pianno will be accepted insted ov the usual presents expekted from the family.
Enny one wishing tew adopt male or female children, kan hav their pik out ov 16 bi calling on Mrs. Patrik McFergurson. All the children hav got thru teething, and hav had waccinashun.
JOSH MOUNTS A VELOCIPEDE.
The velosipead iz a wize instrumentality, with two wheels, placed consekutively, one wheel before the other, and the other wheel behind the fust one.
They revolve on their axes, simular to the world, from east to west, and have already reached the shores of the Pacifick oshun.
They are az eazy tew ride, az a grind stun.
They will undoubtedly do away with the use of steam, and in fifty years from now, will be the only means of lokomoshun, known to man.
The ladies will all use them, jist az soon az they kan settle the question, in what manner they shall occupy them.
Just now there iz a dispute, whether they shall occupy both sides ov the velosipead at once, or whether they shall remain on one side ov them at once, similar to the anshunt custom ov occupying the noble animal, the hoss.
It iz to be hoped, that this matter will be laid before the “wimmins’ right committee,” and that nothing, ov a one sided natur, should be allowed tew hinder a woman from filling her destiny.
I beleaf in throwing every thing wide open, to a fair competishun between the two sexes, velosipeads, az well az medisin, and may the best man win.
It might look a little odd (for the fust day or two) to see 457 the ladies divided by a velosipead, but in the grate advance ov prices, and morals, which are now at work in the world, nobody but a darn phool, or a foggy, would object tew it—if we are ever to reach perfeckshun in this world, we hav all ov us got to hav a fair chance, at both sides ov things.
I hav examined the scientifick principles ov the velosipead, and find that it iz just az simple az bread and milk.
The rotary cohesiveness which exists in all circumlocutory gravitations, ackting in conjunction with the simple law ov attraction, preserves the moshun ov the velosipead within its proper and natural revolushun.
Nothing can be more simple and yet more beautiful than this law in science; the philosophers are az well acquainted with it az they are with the 10 commandments, and perhaps better.
There iz one improvement in the velosipead which I am looking anxiously forward to, and that iz, to learn to stand still till you mount them.
Nothing iz more anoying than a habit they have got into ov lying down on their sides, if yu undertake to endorse one of them standing still.
I hav seen the nobel animal, the hoss, when they wanted to git rid ov their rider, lay down sideways and roll over, and kick up their heels. This iz a trick which the velosipead haz stole from the hoss without giving him credit for it.
If mi memory serves me right, the moshun ov the velosipead iz purely a crank moshun, simular tew the grind stun, and iz produced the same way, that the scizzor grinder stirs up his masheen.
I hav thought if the pioneer wheel of the velosipead could be made out of whetestones, it might be used while in progress, for sharpening razors, and carving knives, and thus bekum a means ov grace, az well az buty, but this would take the poetry all out ov it, and degrade it down to the level ov usefulness.
If you want tew take the starch out ov a novelty, just set it to work at sumthing useful, it bekums inelegant to onst.
458The moshun ov the velosipead iz produced bi the action ov the leggs—or rather, the action ov the pedal extremetys, the word leggs iz altogether too obscene for every man to use, who ever expekts tew run for the legislatur, or be caught in the sosiety ov refined people.
This fakt iz sufficiently explained tew the latin skollar, who understands that “velosipeads” iz manufakterd out ov two forrin words, “veloss” and “pedoss,” which vulgarily means “lively leggs,” but politely means, “pedal swiftness.”
If a man don’t understand latin now a daze, he kant hardly enjoy the conversashun ov a hod carrier.
The velosipead iz not a modern discovery; long before the days of Adam, and Eve, they waz in use.
The heathen gods had them, with one wheel to them, and history tells us ov a grate expert, one Ixion, who got onto the side ov one ov them, and traveled all over the Olympian country.
I hav seen them miself with only one wheel to them, theze had two handles, which protruded out behind, and were propelled by a shove moshun.
Theze were fust discovered in Ireland, and I think are called “wheelbarrows,” or sumthing that sounds like that.
This is all i kno now about the velosipeads.
THE RASE KOARSE.
Grate rase! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, April 9th, for a puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-eye watch, free for awl hosses, mares, geldings, mules, and Jackasses!
Seeing the above anounsement, pasted up on a gide board, at “Jamaka rum four corners,” and having never saw a hoss trot, on a well regulated rase koarse, for the improvement ov the breed ov hosses, i agreed i wud go, jist tew encourage the breeding ov good hosses.
I found the village of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and well watered bi a griss-mill and 2 tannerys.
459The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern stand, 3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl condukted on strik whiskee prinsiples.
I found the inhabitants a good deal tired in their religus views and i thought the opening wud admit 3 or 4 missionarys abreast.
The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopil waz pealing bark in the winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot in.
I asked a gentleman present, who ced he was a reporter for “The Yung Man’s Christian Gide,” if he knew what the poplashun ov the place definitely waz, and ced he definitely didn’t, but if i would set out a pail ov whiskee, with a dipper into it, on the top ov a hemlock stump, that grew in front ov the tavern, it wouldn’t be 60 minnits befour i cud count the whole ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew onst.
JOSH BILLINGS DRIVES OUT TO THE RACES.
Having asked sum uther inquirys, ov a mixed natur, i santered down tu where the rase koarse waz.
460THE TRACK.
I found the track waz about a mild in circumferense, and ov a sandy disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one side, and a brush fense on tuther, and in jist about 3 minnet condishun.
The judge’s stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides bi a ha rigging, and the reporters waz invited tew git intu the cart.
THE HOSSES.
Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and laboring under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught ov anuther hoss, about 10 days ago.
Tha ced she had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall inside ov a verry short time, and that her back bone waz awl game.
I asked a yung man with long yeller hair and bedtick pantyloons on, who waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree was, and he with a wink tew anuther feller who stood clus bi, ced, “she waz got bi the Landlord out ov a Methdiss minister,” and then tha both laffed.
I found out bi inquirin, that her name waz “Fryin-Pan.”
The uther hoss waz a red hoss, rather hastily konstructed, with a spare tale on him, which tha ced waz kaused by his trotting so fast, in a windy day; i shud think he waz about 5 feet and a haf in hite, and ov a kickin natur.
Tha ced he waz a stranger in theze parts, and that his rite name waz “Juise Harp.”
FUST HEAT.
The hosses both cum up tew the skore in the immejiate visinity ov each uther, and got the wurd tew go, the fust time.
The gra mare waz druv bi “Dave Larkin,” and the hoss was handled bi “Ligh Turner.”
Tha trotted sublimely, az cluss az the Siamese twins; the mare with her hed hi up and her noze full ov winde; the hoss waz stretched out tite, like a chalk line; tha passed the haf mile pole simultaneously, time, 2 minnits.
Now the kontest becum exsiting, “Dave” hollered, and 461 “Ligh” yelled—on tha kum, the mare gru higher, and the hoss gru longer—tha make the last turn tew onst—tha look like a dubble team—the exsitement grows more intensely—the crowd sways to and fro—the ox cart trembles—tha cum! tha cum! sich shouting, sich yelling, sich swearing, sich chawing terbacker, waz never herd before; the mare iz ahed!—no, the hoss iz ahed! ’tis even, ’tis a ded hete, tha pass the ox kart—the hoss wins bi 3 quarters ov an inch, time 4 minnits lacking 2 seckunds.
REMARKS.
The hosses ar surrounded bi a crowd ov men, wimmin, and children.
Each party are sanguinary ov suckces.
The bettin iz 2 quarts ov whiskee to anything, on the red hoss.
At this junkture the gentleman, reporter for the Young man’s Christian Gide, propozed tew bet 75 cents that the mare wud win the nex heat; i tuk the proposishun forthwithly, and the steaks, bi mutual consent, was placed in mi hat and sot under the kart, and here let me stait, before i forget it, that i haint saw the steaks nor the hat sinse.
SECKUND HEAT.
The hosses both sho signs ov distress.
The gra mare’s ears hang down the side ov her hed, like two wet rags, and the hoss rests his tale on the ground.
Tha go slola bak tew the distanse pole, and cum up agin tew the skore, az tho tha waz yoked together.
Awa tha go; the hoss a leetle ahed.
The hoss leads tew the haf mild pole in 2:30.
On the bak stretch, “Dave” went at the mare with hiz long purswader; she trots like litening, she passes the hoss! no! she busts! she busts! and befour “Dave” cud flatten her down tew her work, she broke from the trak and trotted clean up tew her hips in the krambery mash.
The hoss cum in awl alone, trotting fast, and so clus down, that 2 feet ov his tale dragged on the ground.
462Time ov this heat, not fur from 5 minnits, “Juise Harp” winning, bi a quarter ov a mile.
Thus ended the grate rase at “Sulphur Flats.”
I immejiately started on foot for “Jamaka Rum four corners,” bare headed, but fully impressed that, tho men, and even whiskee mite deteryoate, the breed ov hosses must begin tew improve in that seckshun ov the kuntry in a fu dais.
BILLINGS LEXICON.
Blush—The cream ov modesty.
Ginger-pop—Gimnastik water.
Man—Live dirt.
Friends—Books, paintings, and stuft birds.
Bashfullnes—Ignorance afraid.
Conservatism—A bag with a hole to it.
Radicalism—A hole with a bag to it.
Aristocrat—A demokrat with hiz pockets filled.
Politicks—The apology ov plunder.
Tin watch—Faith without works.
Mule—A bad pun on a horce.
Patience—Faith waiting for a nibble.
Sparking—Picking buds oph from the bush.
Malice—A blind mule kicking by guess.
Eternal—God’s epitaff.
Care—Cat pizen.
Faith—The soul riding anchor.
Bliss—Happiness bileing over and running down both sides ov the pot.
Marriage—An alter on whitch man lays hiz pocketbook and woman her luv letters.
Quack—A doktor whoze science lays in hiz bill.
Hash—A boarding-hous confidence game.
Fuss—An old hen with one chicken.
Twins—2 mutch.
463Boarding-School—A place whare wry coffee and flirtashun iz taught.
Experiment—Energy out ov a job.
Perfection—God in man.
Virtue—That ingredient whitch needs no foil, and without whitch nothing else iz valuabel.
Solitude—A good place tew visit, but a poor place tew stay.
Sloth—Life in a tomb.
Health—A call loan.
Memory—The shadow that the soul casts.
Politeness—Sixty day paper.
Poverty—The only birthright that a man kant lose.
Accidents—The dismay ov phools, the wize man’s barometer.
Ease—Discounted time.
Wealth—Baggage at the risk ov the owner.
Trials—Whetstuns.
Fortune—The aggregate ov possibilitys; a goddess whom cowards count by stealth, but whom brave men take by storm.
Economy—A fust mortgage on wealth.
Enough—Jist a leetle more.
Dignity—Wisdum in tights.
Mischief—The maliss ov fun.
Cook—One who manufakters appetights.
Diseases—The whipping posts and branding irons ov luxury.
Drunkenness—Shame lost and shame found.
Cowardice—Pluck on ice.
Glutton—A man with a drunken appetight.
Examples—Foot prints in the wilderness.
Nunnery—Piety in chains.
Ignorance—Raw happiness.
Sin—A natral distemper, for which virtew haz bin discovered to be an antidote.
Friendship—One ov love’s pimps.
464Envy—A disease original with Cain, but which hiz brother Abel afterward caught, and died suddenly ov.
Belle—A female boss ov the situation.
Fancy—The flirtashun ov truth.
Sarcasm—An undertaker in tears.
Sulks—Deff and dum madness.
Courting—A hugg and kiss match, generally a drawn game.
Fiction—A lie with holiday clothes on.
Hen—A lay member.
Law—The shackels ov liberty.
Science—The literature ov truth.
Deceit—A ded wasp with a live tail.
Babys—Dividend.
Miser—A wretch who haz dug out hiz heart tew sto away hiz munny in.
Misfortunes—A band ov vagrants, who liv on what they kan steal.
Spirituolist—A curb stone broker, who sells exchange on Ben Franklin & Co.
Inheritance—Second-hand goods, other people’s leavings.
Ironclads—Vessels ov wrath.
Grave Yard—A small patch ov land, cultivated by the dead, lieing between time and eternity.
Lap Dogs—A nucleus for affeckshun out ov a job.
Society—Burning on an alter natral rights, and then sacredly watching over the ashes.
Jealousy—Self love.
Stingyness—The bran ov economy.
Buck Saw—An instrument ov torture.
Bragadocio—One who pulls hiz own courage by the noze.
Anxiety—Milking a kicking heifer with one hand, and holding her by the tail with the other.
Swearing—The metalic currency ov loafers.
Judicious Benevolence—The brains ov the heart.
Blue Jay—The fop ov the forest.
Policy—“Honesty iz the best policy,” but policy iz not alwus the best honesty.
465Bachelor—The hero ov a cot bedstead.
Club Houses—Whare the hen-pecked go tew sware, and smooth out their feathers.
Lie—The cowardice ov truth.
Skunk—An athletick animal, stronger than an elephant.
OWLY.
Here we have a batch of immaculate truths from the “Owl Club.”
After the minutes of the last meeting had been read and approved, each “Owl,” as is their custom, lit his cigar, shook out his feathers, and story-telling commenced, the President leading off as usual.
“I never can hear of a man’s gitting his head broke,” said the President, “but I call to mind the wonderful accident that occured at Austin, Texas, twenty years ago.
“A man was thrown from his horse, while riding at full speed into town, and striking against the sharp edge of a potash kettle, which lay beside the road, his head was split down to his collar-bone, each half hanging over his shoulders like a pair ov epaulettes.
“This man was taken up for dead, but recovered, by skillful treatment, and was elected county judge afterward on the strength of this accident.”
“A very good story, and undoubtedly true,” said the Vice-President “Owl,” “but I don’t think it quite so miraculous as the different escapes that Joe French, a friend of mine, a clerk on one of the Mississippi steamboats, has passed safely through.
“His last adventure was on the high-pressure steamer Hurricane.
“As she was passing Natches, on a down trip, she blew up, and filled the air with every kind of fragments.
“Joe was sent up about two hundred and fifty feet, and 466 there being a strong wind at the time, he was carried over onto the center of the city, and fell through the roof of a jewelry store.
“After passing down through three stories of the building, he struck on his feet, by the side of the proprietor of the concern, who demanded five hundred dollars for the damages done to his building.
“‘I can’t pay so much money,’ said Joe, ‘but i will give you two hundred and fifty, and I have often settled for this price before.’”
“Bully for Joe French,” said one of the “Owls.” “But let me tell you a little story about an attorney by the name of Gersh’ Buckley, who practiced law at Burlington, Iowa, a few years ago.
“Gersh had a case, in the county court, which he lost, and in settling with his client was charged by the other attorney with taking less than the customary fees.
“Gersh plead quietly to the charge. ‘But, gentlemen,’ said he, ‘I done all in my power to sustain the honor of the profession, I took all the money the man had.’”
At this point, one of the “Owls,” more noted for his gravity than any of the rest, mounted his perch, and begged to be heard, as follows:
“Talking about steamboats reminds me of a circumstance which occurred on the lower Mississippi, in the year 1840. I had been down to New Orleans and was on my return, having 467 taken passage on the fast side-wheel steamer, Fanny Birch.
“Twenty-five miles up the river we overtook the Memphis Belle, an opposition boat, just leaving a woodyard. Rosin and pine was soon the order ov exercises, and both boats were quickly side by side in a close-contested race.
“Suddenly word was passed along the boat, ‘Man overboard!’
“The captain, rushing aft, inquired of the clerk if the man had paid his passage.
“‘Yes!’ shouted the clerk.
“‘Then go ahead on her, engineer!’ was the captain’s order.”
“Owl” number five plumed his feathers and opened his short but silvery-toned beak, as follows:
“Out in Nevada, during a race week, a rider was thrown from a horse and taken up insensible. As he lay on a stretcher near the judges’ stand many wagers were made among the sporting fraternity present, upon his death or recovery.
“A surgeon present proposed to bleed the boy, but the gamblers interposed, for, they said, it would seriously affect the fairness of the bets.”
“I don’t believe that story,” said “Owl” Number Six: “but here is one which has been in our family for over forty years, and we all know it to be true:
“An old gentleman—who, by the way, was almost entirely deaf, had brought a suit against one of his neighbors, claiming certain damages. The case was one which the justice thought ought not to go to a jury, but should be settled between the parties. He therefore instructed the attorney to ask the old gentleman what he would take to settle the suit. The lawyer, putting his mouth near the deaf man’s ear, said, in a loud tone:
“‘The court wants to know what you will take.’
“Turning his eye blandly toward the judge’s bench, the old gentleman replied:
“‘Thank the squire for me, and tell him I will take a leetle Santy Cruise rum without sugar.’”
468“Owl” Number Seven, looking uncommon wise, got off the following:
“Two shad fishermen got into a dispute lately about a fish net, which they both laid claim to, and, as the war of words was reaching its hight, a son of one of the beligerents coming upon the scene, cried out to his venerable parent:
“‘Old man, don’t let him git the start of you—call him a thief and a liar first.’”
“That puts me in mind,” said the next “Owl,” of a story, not at all similar, but more funny I think, than the one we have just listened to.
“Over in Jersey, an honest old Dutchman, who followed gardening for a living, had been to the neighboring town to do a little trading at the stores, and having taken his wife with him, both ov them got unco tight.
“On their way home the old woman fell, out of the wagon, as they were crossing a salt meadow, and was not missed untill the old gent reached home. The neighbors going back to search for the missing wife, found her stuck fast in the mud of the marsh, and talking in a maudlin manner, to the rising tide which had risen up, and just began to play about her lips. ‘Not another drop, hot, nor cold; not another drop, will I take.’”
PORDUNK VILLAGE.
Stranger! hav yu ever been to Pordunk Village, my natiff place?
It iz a dear little lulaby ov a place, sleeping between two small mountains, in the State of Pennsylvania.
It kontains about 1000 souls now, and is watered by goose crik, whitch meanders thru the village az crooked and az lazy az a skool boy, on hiz way tew the distrikt skool hous.
I waz born here, and the ground on whitch the old hous stood, iz thare yet. Mi ancesters are all here too, but they 469 hav retired from bizzness, and are taking their eaze, in the old graveyard ov the little one story church.
The red painted tavern, whare years ago, the townsfolks gathered in, on Saturday nights, to wet their whistles, and brag on their bush beans, and other gardin sass, iz gone, and departed.
And Roger Williams, where iz he?
Roger waz the village blacksmith, and could out argy the parson, on a bit ov skripture, hiz anvil iz still, and he now livs in his new house, with the rest of the old people, just back ov the little one story church.
Whare iz Square Watkins, the justiss of the peace? he knu law, and the stattews, just az eazy az he did the 10 commands, hiz little old offiss, for 50 years unpainted, iz now no more.
No one ov hiz name iz left, he and Roger the blacksmith, lay side by side, just back ov the little one story church, az still az deth kan make them.
Sue Dunham, the crazy woman, I don’t see her! Poor Sue, she waz not alwus welkum, but no one turned her away, a night’s lodgeing no one refused, she was even butiful still, when i waz a boy, but i shrunk from the flash ov her misterious eye.
The old folks knu her story, it waz that sad one, so often told, and so soon forgotten, a mans perfidy.
Sue Dunham raves no more, but in the farther korner, just 470 bak ov the little one story church, whare the ded lay the thikest, lays Sue.
A weep in willow, sown bi aksident, hangs over her grave, and on her hed stone, theze words, almost knawed away bi time, kan be made out, “Sue Dunham, aged 59.”
Parson Powell, who led hiz flok bi the side ov still waters who wet with hallowed drops at christnings, who jined in wedlok, and who asked God to take the departing ones, I miss him too; peacefully he sleeps, just bak ov the little one story church.
Deakon Tucker, who sold sugar bi the pound, and mollassis bi the pint, who delt in whale ile, and bar sope, who kept raizen and razor straps, who could mezzure a yard ov kotton, ov kaliko, tew a thred, and who, 4th ov Julys, sold 3 fire krackers, tew us boys, for a penny, what haz bekum ov the deakon?
Years ago, he fled, not far away, but cluss up tew the back wall ov the little one story church, near to Parson Powell.
An odd phellow waz Ez Farnham, and withal az keen at a trade az a hornet, Them that swopped hosses with Ez once, didn’t hanker tew do it again, he waz honest, but oh! how fatal tew dicker. No one now, in the whole village remember him, he haz gone whare they don’t giv, nor git boot, they put him in the halfaker, just bak ov the little one story church.
Job Pierson iz ded too, and so is Job’s wife, and all ov Job’s sons, and dauters.
I go up, and I go down, the good old village of Pordunk, the people all stare at me, az i stop here and stop thare, to say tew miself, “here it waz that Lige Turner, threw Dave Larkins, 40 years ago, in a wrassle on the village green, and thare stood the old town pump.”
“Here old Beverly, the barber, shaved for three cents a shave, and thare, Burbanks haff soled boots for a quarter.”
“Here—let me see! was it here? Yes Old Mother Benneway sold taffy here, each stick at least 8 inches long, and made out of Deakon Tuckers best Porto Rico molassis.”
471“Thare stood the little red skool hous, right thare, it waz the forks ov a road then, it is the korner of a block now.
“Who kan tell me whare Daniel Purdy the skool master lives now, no one! I hav asked a dozen, but no one remember Daniel Purdy.
“It iz a sad thing tew be a skoolmaster, no one ever seems tew kno whare they go when yu miss them. They just seem to depart that’s all. I never knu one tew die, and be buried.”
Ah, it iz pleasant!—it is sad, to go bak tew the village of Pordunk, thare is more people now thare, than there waz when i waz a boy, but how different are they,—or how different am I.
The old trees are the same, man kant alter them, goose krik runs jist whare it did, with willows in all ov its elbows, the mountains each side haven’t grown enny smaller, the birds sing the same songs, but i don’t kno enny one that i meet, and what is more lonesome, no one that i meet knows me.
When i go tew Pordunk, and want tew see enny boddy that I remember, i go down the main street to the fust korner, just whare Joel Parker once lived, then i turn tew the left, and keep on for a ways, till i cum tew the little one story church.
Just bak ov that they are all living now. They don’t remember me when i go thare, but I remember them. It won’t be very long now before I shall jine them.
4724 LETTERS.
Mister Brown.—In haste, dear sur, I repli tew yure letter thusly:
Jews harps are a one stringed instrument, held between the teeth, blowed on gently, and tickled with the fore-finger. The musik which they yield is balmy, but looses much of its melloness unless played upon bi a bull frog. I hav listened for hours at a bull frog playing on a Jews harp, and wept like a child. This iz the kind a musik that enters mi soul like a sister ov charity out ov a job. I hav a yung female bull frog now in mi employ, who plays the Jews harp quite bully for one ov her sex. Sum people must hav opera musik or they aint helthy, but giv me the liquid Jews harp, tickled bi the yung and impashioned bull frog.
If i waz ritch i would buy me two akers ov swamp ground, issue proposals for a millyun ov Jews harps, and set every bull frog on mi farm to instrumental musik.
Thare are others who aint happy unless they kan hear the pensiv murmers ov the bass drum, or the hoarse gutteral ov the trombone, or the pig like laffing ov the fife, or the jigger ov the banjo and the bones.
I hav nothing but pitty for sich depraved tasted critters, and look forward, with the joyful gush ov a missionary, to the time when bull frogs will set under every vine and fig tree, tickling the buzzom ov a Jews harp.
If i kan hav plenty ov Jews harps, and a bull frog, i dont kare if i dont never hear a hand orgin agin.
473
4 LETTERS.
Mister Bates.—The best kind ov bate for a rat, iz toasted cheeze, and the best kind ov a trap, iz the one, that will ketch them the oftenest, and hang onto them the most. It aint always a sure thing tew ketch a rat bi the tail, i hav knew them tew bight oph their tail, just outside ov the jaws ov the trap, and thus save their rat meat.
Bob tailed rats hav ceased tew be a curiosity to me long ago.
Once i should hav looked upon a bob-tailed rat with mingled pheelings ov pitty, and suprise, but them daze hav fled from me, i look upon a bob-tailed rat now, as a cluss bizzness transackshun.
Rats are one ov the far-famed butys ov civilashun, they wont live in the wildernes, and i wouldn’t if i waz they.
Sum folks are so enlightened they kant bear rats, but az i lay in mi bed, at mi boarding hous, at the deceased hours ov night, it iz one ov mi priviliges, tew hear the rats chawing holes throu the base boards, and playing tag in the wainscote.
Rats are very prolifick, one pair ov assorted rats, will keep a phamily in rats for years.
Rats are very easy tew keep, thare aint but phew things but what they will eat, and them phew things are locked up.
Rats are not a subjekt ov diet in this country, but i am told bi missionarys, that rat pi, iz thick in China.
I shouldn’t wonder if rat pi might be good, but i hav alwus accustomed mi self to plain vittles.
474Mister Barnes.—Hash iz made out ov cast oph vittles.
Hash haz done more for the human race ov man than almost enny other breed ov food.
For breakfast, a small tender-lion steak, sum few ham & eggs, 3 baked potatoze, a plate of buttered toast, sum slap jacks, 2 cups of coffy, and sum hash iz good.
I like to eat hash this way better than enny other.
Sum pholks alwuz raize their noze up at hash.
If yu search history, with one eye, yu will find theze folks, 20, or 30 years ago, more or less, were born on hash.
I hav seen hash miself, that i had mi doubts about, but i et it, and still liv.
I love hash as a principle, and this iz mi rule, i watch the landlady, and if she eats it, i take the sekond plate.
This makes me very popular at all the boarding houses which I attend.
If folks would be a leetle more penurious with their hash, and not git stubs ov tallo kandles, babys morocko shoes, and now and then a fine tooth comb, that want more than half worn out, into their hash, hash would stand to day, at the head of all mux food.
Mister Bartlett.—Ov all the animals who waz brought akrost the waters, into this country, by that grate improver ov the breed ov kattle Noah, i consider the cow the most respektable.
A cow iz a kind ov old aunt in the family.
I dont kno ov a more honest, and salubrious sight, than a brindle cow, that wont kik, and who gives 10 quarts ov milk that aint watered.
It iz unkommon hard to git a cow to giv milk that aint watered now daze, thare iz a grate difference in cows about this.
It iz sed the cowcumber derives its name from the cow, but whether this iz so, or not, i kant find out.
Probably it iz, becauze they resemble the cow so mutch.
The cowcumber cums under the hed ov gardin sass, and they gro on a running vine, and the vine kan beat every vine running, for 100 yards, in Amerika, after it gits started.
475They are a little balky about starting.
I hav known a cowcumber vine to run 15 foot in one night besides giving birth to 7 young cowcumbers on the way.
Kowcumbers kut up into thin slices, and rooled in peper, and psalt, and soaked in vinegar, are good, for a sharp pain in the hebdominal region.
A cowcumber iz about the only thing that i kan remember ov now, that iz good for nothing, after it reaches perfektshun.
Mister Boggs.—Yure letter, informing me ov the loss ov yure dog, reached me by yesterday’s male.
I know how to commune with you, Boggs, for i hav been deprived ov a dog once miself.
I lost a most flattering purp on the 16th day of March three years ago.
I found him ded in a vakant lot, near mi house.
He probably had been struck with lightning, or sumthin else.
He waz a most gifted pup, and could jerk a night-gown oft from a clothes line, or worry a goose, most butiful tew behold.
He waz a bul pup, but iz no more.
Tiger waz hiz fust name.
I hav made up mi mind never to own enny more dog.
Dog comfort, in this world iz, like all other joy, liable to leak.
Human happiness iz skase enny how, and wants too mutch watching, to be invested in dorgs.
JOSH SETTLES UP WITH HIS CORRESPONDENTS SUMMARILY.
“Philander.”—If yu borrow ov the Devil, yu must keep yure eye peeled wide open, for the Devil always takes a mortgage, and seldum takes one, that he fails tew foreclose.
“Plato.”—Mi experience, az far az i have got, iz this, that i kan most alwus find out the style ov milk in enny man’s moral kokernutt, by hearing hiz opinion ov hiz nearest nabors, for men are quite apt tew dam in others, what they hav got the most ov themselfs, and praze what they have got the least ov.
476“Pindar.”—The strongest sentiment in woman iz modesty, and the next strongest iz a silk dress, made in the fashion. The strongest sentiment in man iz money, and the next strongest iz 10 per cent. for the use ov it.
“Phillip.”—If yu expekt to win, yu hav got to suffer,—the bible tells us that heaven must be taken with hard knocks.
“Pan.”—Fame iz very mutch like good health, them men who hunt for it the most find it the least.
“Powell.”—Luv at fust sight iz perhaps a leetle risky, but it iz the richest, and most lastingest luv the heart ever feels.
“Postboy.”—Marrying for munny, iz much like falling out ov a third story winder, if yu happen tew make a good strike, it iz a fust-rate excuse for never trying it again.
“Peacock.”—Yu will find in yure journey through this vale ov tears and valley ov dispair, mutch tew fill yure soul with anguish, and dissapointments bitter:—thare iz one thing partickularly apt tew go back ov a yung man, whoze buzzum iz trieing tew bust with hope, and that iz—hiz mustash.
“Pilot.”—A man may hav a grate deal ov edukashun, and not be verry wize, after awl; jist az he may hav a heap ov strength, and not know the best holts.
“Pilgarlick.”—Yu ask me the best way tew make berlony sarsage. Here iz the best, and only way:
Take an eel, about six feet in length, and about one feet in wideness, (git a lively eel if possibel); skin the eel lengthways from hed to foot, and stuff the skin with pulvarized gutty perchy, and equal parts ov merino wool; seazon with Scotch snuff and asserfedity, hang it up bi the tail in a Duch grosery for 4 months, for the flies tew giv it the trade marks; it iz then awl reddy for use, and kan be cut up into right lengths, and sold for police clubs.
This kind ov sarsidge iz the only one who took a gold medal at the Paris imposition.
“Pharaoh.”—It iz an actewal fackt that most ov us work harder, tew seem happy, than we should have to, to be happy.
“Pedro.”—Before yu buy the hoss yu speak ov, look him 477 over cluss, but don’t examin him much afterward, for fear yu may cum across sumthing that yu are looking after. This iz a good rule tew foller when yu take a wife.
“Pontoon.”—The principal art in flying a kite iz tew git the tail the right heft; tew mutch tail to things iz jist what haz spilte a whole parcel ov clever kites.
“Palmer.”—Early impreshions are like the dews on the young flowers, soon dried off, but what the fragrance iz made of.
“Pinchback.”—Don’t beleave more than half that yu hear, rumor haz got rising ov 600 toungs, and can lie faster with each one of them than Dexter can trot to an anatomy waggon.
“Palmer.”—In reply to yure kind and numerous letter, i am happy tew state that mi age iz a profound sekret, but i waz born in the old-fashioned way in the old ov the moon, am long, but crooked, don’t beleaf in speerits (not even Jamaka speerits;) am married, or waz twenty years ago, and hav every reazon to beleave that I am now; hav never raized enny boys to mi knowledge, on account ov their liability tew git out ov repair; hav turned mi attenshion tew girl children; hav two ov that specie, one ov whom iz now boarding with a yung feller; mi hair iz black, and quite tall behind; i wear a mustash, and number 10 pegged boots; hav a sangunary temperament, and a billyus noze; eat az other folks do, except roasted gooze; roasted gooze iz not one ov mi weaknesses, I kan eat two ov them, and then take a little more ov that are goose; I work for mi bread and roast goose; hav a grey eye, and am alwus az reddy tew wag az the next dog—this iz me. I forgot to state that I waz brought up by a Presbeterian Church in Massachusetts, and am a good job.
A LOOSE BILT EPISTLE.
Dear Brigham:—Excuse this peripatetick letter.
I am a vagrant, and a wanderer on the trail ov literature, 478 and write letters in a rekless, hap-hazard way. I want harnessed young enuff tew be kind in all harness.
DIDN’T KNOW HIS WASHERWOMAN.
If i had a boy now who had enny simptoms ov enny kind ov lawless, unfixed, and flux noshuns, and who didn’t seem tew kare whether he ever amounted tew enny thing or not, and who couldn’t tell whare he waz last night till half past two this Morning, and who couldn’t recognize hiz own washer-woman, and who wanted tew go into bizzness fur himself, at 16 years old, with a kapital ov two bottles ov Phalon’s extrakt, and a mustash, that resembled the mold on a pound ov limeberger cheese, I would say confidenshally tu him:
“Son, i hav ben tew blame thus far in frameing yure timber, but yu kan bet them pattent leather boots yu hav got on, and witch haint bin paid for yet, that from now hereafter yu hav got tew begin agin, and weed out yure gardin sass, and sucker yure grape vine, and plough up yure wild oats, and underdrain yure swamp land, and bush hook yure briar patch and fix yure farm for a krop ov sum kind ov grain that will not disgrace both son and daddy, when it iz brought tew market.”
This iz the way i would converse with the young Billings, and if he didn’t begin, in ten minnitts, tew take an akount ov hiz bad dets, but begin tew argy the pint with me, and ackt yung rooster up and down in front ov me, mi strong impreshun iz now, that i would retreat a step and let fly mi left purswader, and land that boy sum 60 feet futher oph than he waz.
479It would hav bin six hundred dollars in mi vest pocket if sum philanthropisst, about thirty years ago, had got mi knob in chancery, and not given up the case till he had punched out ov my hed the fresh water noshun that the best way tew foller a blind trail in the wilderness waz not tew take enny compass.
This kind ov ded sure knowledge, amung fresh yung men, haz landed four hundred out ov evry five hundred ov them, before they had got half way thru life, into sum soft swamp, and the other hundred hav sot out the close ov their lifes on a fence, lamenting the hard work they did, in their younger daze, tew make * * * phools ov themselfs.
I kno it iz az eazy az chawing gum, for a yung instutution ov a boy, who haz got a burning-fluid natur, tew be anxious tew jine all the torch-lite doings in the country, and tew holler “amen” before the prayer iz haff through; but i feel it my duty tew tell these camphene children tew cork up their litening.
I don’t want enny body’s boy Billy tew be a ded hed; a skim-milk cheeze; a colporter of water gruel; a putty babeling; a kurl-papered nussery doll; an apron-tied anatomy blonde; a timid corpse amung hiz phellows, afraid ov a bug, and satisfied with a kitten.
I ain’t voting for this breed ov boys; i only ask the virginity ov mi sex tew make up their minds, from the experiences ov those who have observed the elaphant, that youth waz given them, not tew be boss, but apprentiss; not tew lead, but tew foller; not tew harvest, but tew plant.
There iz no danger in turning a snaik loose; even before he gits fairly haired out, natur teaches him tew make his fust wiggle a correct pattern for hiz last one. She makes him a snaik from the word “go,” and nothing else, and if he takes a noshun tew go tew the devil—who cares?
But ov all the most deplorabel luck that kan be the inheritance ov a camphene boy, i don’t kno ov a more dangerous one than tew be hiz own master, or the master ov hiz daddy.
I hav known sum ov theze excentricks that Satan couldn’t 480 ketch, who hav dodged him suckcessfully for the whole ov their lives, but i kan tell you, mi dear boys, it is no credit tew match yourselfs against the devil, even if you hav a ded soft thing. This beating the devil at his own game, is like surviving the small pox, it may make yu proff agin sum more small pox, but yu are sure tew show sum ov the dents.
Dear Brigham, theze remarks are not intended tew be personal, they wouldn’t fit yu enny more than a side-saddle would fit the back stretch ov a trottin track, for i know yu hav bin broke tew stand without tieing.
SHORT REPLYS.
Dear Alice.—I kno nothing about musik. I dont kno this tune from the other.
I dont kno “Yankee doodle” from “Now I lay me on the grass,” or “Mary had an infant sheep.”
I am unkommon sorry for this, but dont think that i am to blame for it.
I hav melody in me sumwhare, for enny boddy kan make me kry if they are kareful.
I love the tender az i do a rare boiled egg.
I hav shed menny a tear, without enny boddy knoing it, over some mother’s catch, or simple lulaby.
But this iz kalled mere weakness by the artistiks.
I hav seen wimmin in opera, and also hav seen them in fits, and prefer the fits, for then i kno what tew do for them.
Yu must git sum proffessor ov musik tew answer yure letter, for i don’t kno enny more about klassikal musik than i do about being a mother-in-law.
Theze are two very hard things tew komprehend.
I understand all about ice kream, and if yu ever kum down our way, we will hav a bowl ov it together.
It dont seem tew require enny branes tew luv ice kream, and i dont kno az it duz tew luv musik.
Pensive Rebekker.—I got yure letter bi mistake, for the letter yu sent me, yu wrote for the other phellow.
I am only sorry on the other phellow’s ackount, for yure deskripshun ov him, which i should hav received, may worry him.
It don’t hurt my pheelings tew be called a “pokey dunce.”
I never waz mutch ov a favourite, not even with miself, and often think i am what yu kall me, a “strapping monster.”
Dont let this little mistake on yure part worry yu, for i luv frankness, and think just az mutch ov yu az i did before.
Artless Jane.—In repli tew yure long letter, i will state promptly, I kant see enny objekshuns tew yure lover kissing yu, not if yu want tew hav him.
Theze things are all regulated by the law ov supply and demand.
If thare iz a demand for it, the supply iz generally on hand.
I dont think it iz best tew be too extravagant in theze matters, for kissing iz like all other hily konsentrated goods, a little ov it goes a good ways.
Too mutch kissing is like molassis kandy, it spiles the hanker for plain vittles.
But yure own good taste will decide when yu hav bin kisst enuff.
Pretty Ruth.—Yu tell me that yure lover haz trifled with yure pheelings, and fled.
This has alwus been the trubble, and alwas will be, whare kourting iz did in a kareless way.
Courting iz business, and iz jist az mutch ov a game az hi lo jak.
If you let yure opponent see yure jak, he will be very apt teu swing and ketch it.
Yu shouldn’t let yure lover see yure pheelings tew mutch, but make beleave that yu haint got no jak in yure hand.
We all ov us luv what we have tew work the hardest for, and prize it the most when we do git it.
482I hav seen the game ov hi lo jak, that I am a talking about, played in this way, and it waz well played too.
The phellow held a king, and a ten spot, and the gall held a jack, and a duce.
The phellow swung for the jack with his king, and kaught the duce, and then the gall swung with her jak, and kaught his 10 spot.
Theze kind ov galls never hav tew advertise for runaway lovers.
Gay Betsey.—Mi opinyun ov oysters, on the haff shell, remains unchanged. I konsidder them better vittles than ever jupiter, or hiz wife Juno, swallowed, altho they had the pick ov all the best provishuns in their day.
But i kant say that a woman kan take an oyster, oph from a shell, without spileing the effekt.
It iz one ov them gimnastik feats, that they should alwas praktiss fust, for a long time, in the subdued stilness ov sum private pantry.
I kant tell yu whether an oyster haz got enny pheelings or not, but i kno they hav excellent taste, espeshily the saddle roks.
They hav more taste than judgement, and tho they are called muscles, they have no muskaler strength.
They are also called “bivalves” bi the unlearned, but this iz a vulgarism.
The true name iz “good-bye valves,” a term of affeckshun applied tew them, when they waz fust swallowed whole oph from the haff shell.
If you will ponder into history, az i hav, yu will find menny sitch thing az this tew provoke yure gratitude and wisdum.
Giv mi love tew yure sister Amelia, and tell her, that i say, she haz got what but phew wimmin hav, who hav got az mutch buty, she haz got a sweet temper.
A sweet temper always grows brighter with age, while buty iz extra hazardous, and perishable goods.
483WIMMINS RIGHTS. DOG TALK. CORRESPONDENCE.
Mi Dear Miss Jemima Josephine Jenkins:
I received your kind letter on time, asking me tew impart mi influence tew prokure for yu the privilege (and sundry and divers other females in yure school deestrikt) tew vote, and hav offis, and do the same things that men do.
I hav thought over the thing industriously, and should be happy to floor miself, and all mi energys at yure feet in enny cauze that i thought waz for your happiness and final suckcess.
484I am in favour ov wimmin, and they kan own me at enny moment bi asking for me or dropping me a letter.
I owe them mi existence, mi fust nourishment, and mi fust virtews.
If i am ever saved it will be the result ov woman’s care and influence, at a time when i want worth saving.
Woman haz dun for me what no man could or would do.
But, Jemima, Eve, yure gratist grandmother, committed a mistake, a good deal bigger than the one which yu are anxious tew commit, but thare iz a remote similarity in the mistakes.
She wanted tew kno and hav a hand in awl that waz a going on, and the Devil offered tew teach her, and yu hav heard what the result waz.
Mi advise tew yu iz tew stay right whare yu are, yu hav a power now that never kan be less if yu hold on to it, but if yu spit on yure hands tew git a better holt yu may lose yure grip entirely.
When yu begin tew vote yu hav got tew learn how tew wrangle, tew jaw back, tew intrigue, and bet yure stamps on the election, and if yu vote contrary tew yure husband thare will be a muss in the family, and if he votes kontrary tew yu there will be a bigger muss in the family.
Voting iz a mere negatiff power ennyhow. If a vote aint hove right it iz wuss than no vote, and what assurance hav yu tew offer that yu are going tew vote right? Yu hav more sensitiveness than the men have, and konsequently more prejudices, yu hav got full az mutch vanity and a heap more stubborness.
Thare iz more than haff the votes hove now without judgement or influenced bi others.
If yu git hold ov the ballot box what reformashuns dew yu propose?
I hav never saw yure platform.
Yu will vote against whiskee, i hope, and tobbacco, and whiskers, and club rooms, and trotting hosses, and pitching cents, and staying out late nights, and wearing pattent leather boots, two sizes too small, and lots ov this kind ov male iniquity, but what are yu going tu vote for?
485Yu will hav tew vote agin trials bi jury, and dispoze ov them or else yu will hav tew sit on jurys, and will this be yure best style?—eight men and four wimmin locked up in a jury room all night together, on bred and water, with yure husbands peeking thru the key holes, tew see how the verdik is a going.
Yu will hav tew vote agin a poll tax, and git rid ov poll taxes, or, if yu are poor, yu will hav tew work yure tax out on the road, alongside ov sum rum drinking and tobbaco chawing wretch, who will take grate pains tew chaw, and sware, tew show hiz superiorite tew yu.
Yu will hav tew vote agin all riots, and reserexkshuns, and thus put an end tew them, or else when thare iz an irish riot, to kill oph the surpluss niggers, yu will hav tew cum out armed with sumthing, if nothing more than a pair ov tongs, and just az like az not looze yure best waterfall in the mussness, jist think how billyous this will be.
Yu will hav tew vote agin awl kind ov housework, for how kan yu run the United States government, if yu are kept patching pantaloons all the time?
Yu will hav tew vote agin enny more human beings making their appearance, for who iz a going tew nourish the babe, while yu are down tew the town hall, trieing tew elekt a favourite constabel, yure husband kant do it enny how, unless yu hav him rekonstrukted.
Suppoze yu git elekted tew congress from yure distrikt, every woman in the country, who haz got a husband thare, will be on hand tew watch how things are a going, and yu will be acused ov transgreshuns, that never entered yure hed, or hart.
Suppoze yu had a vote to day, dew yu know of enny woman on arth, that yu would vote for, i mean, unmarried woman, like yureself?
Miss Jemima, Josephine, Jenkins, the more i grind these things in mi mind, the more i think yu had better turn yure attenshun towards harvesting a good hustband, and making his house the envy ov the naberhood, bi the gentle, and 486 domestik virtews, which Heaven haz so lavishly loaned tew yu, rather than attending caucusses, holding wimmin convenshuns, or travelling athwart the country, in company with a set of longhaired, male hybrids, who haven’t got enny reputashun tew spare, and who will cheat yu out ov what yu hav got.
If you or enny other virtewous, gentle woman, wants an ernest defender, one who beleaves that yure sex holds the ballance ov power now, one who looks upon a mother (who ever she iz) az the queen ov the situation, one who looks upon a sister az an angel friend, one who looks upon a daughter az the gift of God, one who looks upon a wife with awl the pathos of venerashun, if yu want any help from sich a pheller, in battling with the trials that Heaven haz planted in the pathway ov a womans legitimate sphear, send for me, i am yure man.
But i hav no ambishun tew see yu a voter, and i think the hour which sees yure sex, in this country, voters, will see the eazy and rapid dissolushun ov the only barrier we have, between the coarse instinkts ov man, and the sakred safety ov the domestick vertews, ov which yu hav been ordained the vestal keepers.
Pardon me, Miss Jemima, if mi language in this letter iz strong, it cums from a strong place, mi heart, if i didn’t mean what i say i should hav bin az sweet az a courtier, i should hav torked about the gorgeous mission of woman, the exalted career that might be opened for her in walks yet untrod, and other rhapsodys in the key bugle style, but i kno the power that woman haz over me, and i kno whare it lays, it dont lay in the ballot box, it lays in that misterious delikasy ov hers, thoze silken threads, whoze power iz invisible.
In summing up, if i kno ennything about human natur all that “Wimmin’s rights” means, iz, more power, and enny woman who would exchange a single article, in the “magna-karta” which she now iz empress ov, for the whole ov the byelaws, constitushun, and power sought for, in the ranting programme ov a “wimmins right convenshun,” would be swapping an intrinsick bower, for an emaskulated privilege.
487“Barney.”—I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the Merchants’ Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart ov milk for hiz tea.
He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made him stick out like a false caff.
He slept sound last night, and hasn’t waked up yet, altho it iz now 10 o’clock this morning.
I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and he iz now rushing things around the room for sum rats.
He haz just tipped over a Chinese god, worth 8 dollars, and broke him, he will git rats when mi wife cums in.
He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little boy’s toe—to hiz shoe.
He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other vase agin, I’ll bet.
Thare goes the other vase, bi thunder! all tew powder.
He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and in.
He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him went.
He haz just found a poor little boy in the street, whom he knows, and the boy seems tew know him, and they hav gone round the next block, on a run, together, tew see sumthing.
He don’t seem tew cum back!
It iz now to-morrow, and the tarrier don’t seem tew cum back.
My wife iz glad ov it.
I am out 2 vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier.
My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him tew immediate soak in the cistern at onst.
Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimmin that don’t make enny statements unless they are true, so yu needn’t send me enny more tarrier.
“Fred.”—Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home with her from a partee, git the gals endorsement, and sale in; it iz proper enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but yu haint got no rite tu put yure arm around her waste, unless yu 488 meet a Bear on the rode, and then yu are bound tu take yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits safely by.
“Snyder.”—Rats originally cum from Norway, and i wish they had originally staid thare. They are about as uncalled for as a pain in the small ov the back. They kan be domestikated dreadful eazy, that is, as far as gitting in cupboards, and eating cheese, and knawing pie, is concerned.
The best way tew domestikate them that ever I saw, is tew surround them gently, with a steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate advantage.
Rats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever they hav a mind to.
Pisen is also good for rats; it softens their whole moral naturs.
Cats hate rats, and rats hate cats, and—who don’t.
I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in Amerika (i quote now entirely from memory,) and i don’t serpose thare is a single necessary rat in the whole lot. This shows at a glance how menny waste rats thare is. Rats enhance in numbers, faster than shoe pegs do by machinery. One pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start the rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, he will begin tew hav rats,—tew turn oph.
Stujent.—We never furnish ortograffs in less quantity than 489 bi the package. It iz a bizness that grate men hav got into, but it dont strik us az being profitable nor amuzing. We furnished a near and very dear friend our ortograff a few years ago, for 90 days, and it got into the hands ov one of the banks, and it kost us $275 tew get it back. We went out of the bizzness then, and have not hankered for it sinse.
Manifess destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal; i hav seen it in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri hickory wood. I thought i had it onse, it broke out in the shape ov poetry; i sent a speciment ov the disseaze tew a magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex day as follers:
“Dear Sur: Yu may be a darn phule, but yu are no poeck. Yures, in haste.”
Matty—It iz very natral that you should ask me in what manner you should reseave the proposal from your lover. It iz sumthing ov a trick tew dew it nice. You don’t ought tew jump into the collar suddin, nor fly back suddin, like a bocky hoss, but yu ought tew take it kind, looking down hill, with an expreshun, about half tickled and half scart. After the pop iz over, if your luvver wants tew kiss you, I dont think I would say yes or no, but let the thing kind ov take its own course.
Mirakle:—Yu sa “yu kant understand the mirakle ov the whale, that swallered Joner.” I dont serpose that Joner, nor the whale, ever fully understood it themselfs. I kant tell yu what Joner did while in the whale’s sosiety; but i kno what a yankee would hav did, he would hav rigged a rudder on the animal, and run him into port, and either klaimed the ile for salvage, or sold out his chanse.
490SHORT, BUT SWEET.
Richard.—Yu done wisely tew ask me questions in Natral history. I am perfektly at hum amung beasts, burds, and fishes. I kan tell whi the flea bights, whi the bull bellers, and whi the rinosseross hasn’t got but one tusk, and that on the top of his knoze. I hav writ the biography ov all theze kritters, from the genial muskeeter and pensiv cockroach klean up tew the elephant, with hiz trunk, and the lion, who hain’t got enny trunk at all. You ask me about the zebra. The zebra iz a striped hoss, the wildesst thing in natral history ov hiz size, and az hard tew civilize az the hyena, and az useless, when civilized, az the osstritch or the rattlesnaik. They don’t inhabit the United States at large; they may liv in Kanda, if they hav a mind to—I never hav been thare tew diskover. They are about the size ov a moderate mule, but they kant kik with the mule. Thare ain’t nothing that kiks for phun or kiks for a living that kan outkik a mule, except it iz an old-fashioned, Continental, revolushionary war, Fourth ov July musket. Put about 3 and a haff inches ov powder 491 into one ov theze old vetrans of 1776, ram it down heavy, and lay it on a stump, and tutch it oph with a slo match, and I had just az leafs stand in front ov it az tew stand in the rear ov it. Thare iz sum ov the oldest and crossest ov theze muskets that will kik, and even squeal, if yu go near them, whether they are loaded or not. The zebra iz ov no use whatever only tew look at, at 25 cents a chance, in sum circus tent, but after they are broke they are spilte for enny thing else. They are like all other wild animals—fleet only for a short distance; and civilizashun iz a grate damage tew them, just az it iz tew an injun. Deth iz the only kind ov civilizashun that an injun kan understand.
Caroline.—Yu ask me whi i dont write sweet, and sentimental, and luvly things.
I aint bilt right, Caroline, for that kind ov labor.
I am tew round-shouldered, tew write perfumed sentances.
When i git hold ov an idee, i hav tew let it go out, into the world, like a bird oph from mi hand, bareheaded, and barefooted, a sort ov vagrant.
If i should undertake tew dress it up in fine clothes, sum folks would say i stole the idee, and other folks would say i tried tew steal the clothes, tew dress it in, and got ketched at it.
I make no pretentions tew literature, i pay no homage tew elegant sentances, i had rather be the father ov one genuine, original truth, i don’t kare if it iz az humpbacked az a drumudary, than tew be the author ov a whole volume ov glittering cadences, gotten up, for wintergreen-eating schoolgirls tew nibble at.
Benjamin.—Horace Greeley iz not what may be termed a praktikal farmer, he iz what iz kalled a dikshionary farmer.
The papers tell us he looks for cabages on trees, digs for apples, hunts stun walls for hens eggs, haz tried tew improve the flavor ov mutton, by a kross ov the hidraulik ram on the south-down, splits the duks feet, so they kan stand a fair chance with a hen when they cum tew the skratch, combs hiz roosters heds, by cutting oph their topnots, lathers and shaves 492 hiz phatting hogs 3 times a week, makes his cows wear greengogles, so they will mistake shavings, and peabrush for clover, piks hiz geese once in 24 hours tew keep them cool, and throws away the feathers, digs a hoel in the ground and plants oats, a pek in a place, and runs a grind stun, and two pattent churns, by konnekting sum kind ov a pattent kontrivance to hiz cows tails in fli time.
Now if theze fakts are trew, Horace Greely iz not a praktikal farmer, he iz only a genius in husbandry a hundred years ahed ov the time.
I haven’t mutch doubt miself a hundred years from now science and theory, and book larning will have so changed agrikultur that every time a hen laze an egg, they won’t indulge in the silly kackel they do now, but will sing sum lively air, and the old rooster will dance tew the musik in front ov the nest.
Thare iz a good time comeing, so we are told, and we have waited so long for it, we might az well hang on now till it cums.
Prudence.—I received yure kind letter yesterday, and must admit that i kant answer yure question.
I don’t kno what a Dolly Varden iz.
I kno that all the ladys, when they walk out, hav an immense sight of clothes, all in one spot, about the center ov their backs, but whether this iz a Dolly Varden, or knot, I dont kno, and darsent ask.
I hav looked in Webster unabridged, and kant find it thare. I hav waded in the ensiklopedio, and lo! it aint thare. I have asked all mi bacheler friends, and they blush, and begin tew talk about the poets, Longfellow and Harry Bassett. I have spoke tew married men about it, (I am married too) and they say “hush” and pass on in a grate hurry, and I begin tew guess, the whole thing iz a kussid sell, got up expressly to Bear the market.
Prudence, I giv it up square, I dont kno what a Dolly Varden iz, and I aint a going tew try to find out enny more nuther, for I am satisfied, from what I hav found out about it allready, that it iz none ov mi bizzness.
493Picayune.—The sucker iz not a game phish, the very name indicates that.
They won’t bight at a hook, and are a lazy set ov vagrants, emigrating in the spring ov the year, out ov muddy mill ponds, up sluggish streams, into the country.
They kant liv in swift water, they are too lazy tew ketch their breth in it.
They are az tasteless az a merino potatoe, and az for general intelligence, are jist about on a par, with a korn kob.
They are kaught with a spear, and thare iz just about az mutch sport in it, az stabbing seed cowcumbers in a garden, by moonlite, with a three-tined fork.
Howard.—Your letter iz come tew hand and its kontents karefully weighed, and I find that they don’t weigh heavy.
In reply, we beg leaf tew state that the North Pole haz not bin found out yet.
Du notiss ov its length, and its size at the butt, and the kind ov fowls that hav bin roostin on it, and the kind ov wood on which it iz bilt, and the amount ov kindling wood it would undoubtedly make, well split up, and its universal history will appear in the Spice Box collum, just az soon az the Pole iz got.
In the mean time keep cool, kultivate your mustash, be polite tew your ritch aunt, if you hav got one, studdy Hall’s guide tew health, and shun all grass-widders.
Caroline.—Yu ask us, “Which iz worth the most tew a woman, buty, or modesty.”
For a quick return, perhaps buty iz, but for an investment, for the sake ov the interest, we rekomend modesty.
Modesty never grows stale, but buty iz like bukwheat kakes, aint good kold, nor warmed up nex day.
We konsider buty one ov the best kollatterals that a woman kan possess, but if she haint got nothing else but buty, she aint no better off than she would be with a life insurance policy, which was forfeited for the non-payment of premiums.
Buty alone wont wear well, and thare iz a grate deal of it now daze that wont wash at all and keep its color.
494JOSH REPLIES.
“Thomas.”—“Jordan is a hard road to travel,” i kant tell you who was the inventor ov this saying, sum foot sore cus probably, who waz too lazy to keep a hoss and waggon, or else a hotel darkey carryin’ trunks all day.
A HARD ROAD TO TRABBLE.
“Ferdinand.”—“Man wants but little here belo, nor wants that little long,” iz a libel, man wants evrything he kan see, or hear ov, and never is willing to let go ov hiz grab. Whenever yu find a man who iz thoroughly satisfied with what he has got, yu will find either an ideot, or one who haz tried to git more and couldn’t do it.
The older a man grows, the more wantful he bekums, and az hiz hold on life slakens, hiz pinch on a dollar grows grippy.
“Herod.”—He that puts a small value on hiz services, issues proposals tew the lowest bidder. When yu make a request ov divine Providence, it iz best to be modest, if yu expekt to git what you ask for, but there is so little modesty in the world, between men, that when we cum acrost it, we mistake it for ignorance or imbecility. Yu will often see little boys ketching flies, and killing them just for fun, but you don’t see them ketch hornets just for fun. The sting in the hornet’s tail iz what makes him respektable.
“Miller.”—Yu hav got it right the fust time, ingratitude is one ov them crimes that evry boddy sticks up their noze 495 at, it is the worst insult we kan giv, or receive, it lets a man drop down belo the level ov the dum brutes, for the yellowest, and meanest dog in the United States wags hiz tail, if yu throw him but a burnt crust. What an awful thought it iz, that ingratitude iz the common sin against God.
“Matilda.”—Kissing is one ov the rudiments, babys are learnt it instead ov the alphabet, but they dont understand the strong points in it, yet they seem tew luv it without knowing why, this iz a bricky argument that kissing iz one ov naturs most natural noshuns. I kant tell yu whether thare is enny pertikular etiket to be observed in administrating a kiss or not. Between lovers it iz sumtimes usual to kiss and hang on, but it strikes me that the best way iz tew cum up frunt face, in single file, then fire and fall back one pace, this gives the patients a chance tew get the flavour. The grate buty ov a kiss lies in its impulsiveness, and in its impressibility, two pretty big words, but worth the munny.
I haven’t dun enny thing in the kissing line, (ov an amateur natur,) ov late years, and there may be sum new dodge, that i aint posted in, but the old-fashioned, 25 year ago kind, i remember fresh, that kind didn’t hav enny mathematicks in it, but waz more like spontaneous combustion.
Kissing, az a general thing, iz not very interesting tew bystanders, and iz sumtimes even looked upon, by a third party, az uncalled-for.
“Warwick.”—“He that giveth tew the poor, lendeth tew the Lord,” if yu had read yure Bible az mutch az i hav, yu wouldn’t hav asked me if Shakespeare wrote this remark.
Charity iz az mutch ov a privilege, az it iz a duty, and lending to the Lord, iz undoubted security, for enny man’s munny.
He that gives nothing away while living, dies a bankrupt, and hiz estate iz generally settled by hiz heirs, a good deal az the crows settle a ded hoss, by pitching into the remains.
Thare iz menny folks whoze hearts bile with charity, but whoze extremitys are cold, a half a dollar kontrakts tew a 3 cent piece, by the time it reaches the end ov their fingers.
“Gildad.”—Yure juicy letter haz questions enuff tew make 496 a distrikt-school-master faint, and if i should answer them all, yu would be fuller ov edukashun than an aulmanak.
Who the author ov the saying, “the good die yung,” waz, i don’t care, but i will remark, if that iz a good bet, the yunger a man kan die the better; and not tew be born at all, iz a ded sure thing.
Again, az it regards the number ov years that a kat kan live, that depends entirely upon circumstances, they kant liv over Sunday with me.
“Abel.”—Yu kant pick out a hipokrite by his looks, enny more than yu kan a fat oyster by the shell, they are frequently like an old musket, laid away up garret, hav often bin known, tew let oph a charge, that had been sleeping, with one eye open, for 3 years. They are like silver-plated forks, wear well for a long time, but are sure to show the odious brass at last.
“Hannibal.”—Giving presents, with the hope of receiving presents in return, takes away awl the cream ov giving, or receiving, it is like swopping skim-milk, for milk that has bin skimd.
“Mercury.”—“Owe for a lodge in sum vast wilderness,” waz the private opinion of Mr. Cowper, one ov the very few men, who hav lived yet, who waz pure enuff, tew monopolize a woods, without enny company but his soul, and the God who made it. Most people holler for solitude without thinking that it iz a thickly settled place, full ov memorys. Solitude is the last place for a good man to go to, and the only place that a wicked man kant liv in. Even wild beasts dont like solitude, and luv tew see the smoke ov a chimbly. Solitude, in small doses, iz all well enuff, but 25 miles square ov it, would make most men, either a counterfiter, or a hoss thief.
497JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A “HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN.”
Dear Doktor Hirsute:—I reseaved a tin cup ov yure “Hair purswader,” also a bottle ov yure “Salvashun Bitters,” bi express, for which, I express my thanks.
The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov purswader that we ov the press fully understand.
Yur hair grease, shall hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time.
I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew long az a hosses tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on bak ov the brush, ’tis really wonderful! ’tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years, and beggar me! if I don’t hav to shave the cane handle, evry day, before I can walk out with it.
I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats, and altho she iz yung, and haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs ov speed.
I thought I would just rub the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov the room whare the cat generally repozes.
The consequents waz, sum ov the “purswader” got onto the hair ov the cat’s tale.
When the cat aroze from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew an exalted size; taking one 498 more look at the tale, she started, and bi the good olde Moses! sich running; across the yard! over the fence! up wun side ov an apple tree! and down the other! out into the fields, away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch awl tale.
I wouldn’t hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her.
In a fu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write 499 up, for our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which will make the hair grow on the head ov a number 2 mackrel, to read it.
Dear Dokter, the fact iz, “sum men are born grate, sum men git grate after they are born, and sum men hav grateness hove upon them.”
Doctor, you are awl 3 ov these men, in one.
Yu are a kind ov vegitable trinity, sassyfrass, pokeroot, and elderberry.
It waz a happee thought in you, tew call your “Salvashun Bitters” a “vegatabel tonicks,” although, old rye aint one ov the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the tonicks.
The people must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you kan git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peopel will luv you.
Thare is nothing the christian world long for so mutch, just now, as a vegatabel bitter.
Sassyfrass is good for a lonesum stummuk, pokeroot is an alteratiff, and Elderberry was known to the anshients, but what! oh tell me what! yee whispring winds, what! are all these without whiskee.
Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter, that will tonick a man up.
Nothing, sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka Rum, and sider Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld, az “Hirsute’s Salvashun Bitters,” sold respektably bi awl druggists, far and near.
Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, and pattent truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter, with a broad whiskee basis.
P. S.—Let me advize yu az a friend; if it iz indispensible necessary tew cheat a little, in the manufakter ov the “Salvashun Bitters,” let it by awl means be in the rutes, dont lower the basis.
Josh Billings.
KARACTER VARIETY.
THE GASSY MAN.
The gassy man iz a kind ov itinerant soda fountain, a sort ov hi-preshure reservoi ov soap-suds, who spouts bubles and foam, whenever he opens hiz mouth.
Theze quacks in the small beer line, hav but phew branes, but their branes are like yeast, they kant rize without running over every thing.
I have known them tew argy a point 3 hours and a half, and never offer one good reazon in the whole time.
They mistake words for ideas, and their tongues travel 501 tew just about az mutch purpose az a boy’s wind mill duz, in the teeth ov a stiff nor wester.
They are the vainest ov all human beings that hav yit bin discovered, and think, bekauze people kant eskape their furios effervescence, they are pleazed and convinced.
I never knu one ov theze windmills yet, but what thought Soloman waz almost an ideot kompared tew them, and I never knu one to ever diskover hiz mistake.
Yu mite az well undertake tew git the pride out ov a pekocks tail, bi laffing at it, az to convinse theze phellows that what they say aint either wit or wisdum.
The gassy man iz not bi enny means a bad man at heart, he iz often az good natured az he is phoolish, but hiz friendship aint worth mutch more tew yu than the luv ov a lost pup, who iz reddy tew phollow enny one off who will pat him on the back.
THE SHARP MAN.
The sharp man iz often mistaken for the wize one, but he iz just az diffrent from a wize one az he iz from an honest one.
He trusts tew hiz cunning for suckcess, and this iz the next thing to being a rogue.
The sharp man iz like a razor—generally too sharp for enny thing but a shave.
Theze men are not tew be trusted—they are so constituted that they must cheat sumboddy, and, rather than be idle or lose a good job, they will pitch onto their best friends.
They are not exackly outkasts, but liv cluss on the borders ov criminality, and are liable tew step over at enny time.
It iz but a step from cunning tew raskality, and it iz a step that iz alwuss inviting to take.
Sharp men hav but phew friends, and seldum a konfident. They hav learnt tew fear treachery by studying their own naturs.
They are alwuss bizzy, but like the hornet, want a heap ov sharp watching.
502The sharp man iz alwuss a vain one. He prides himself upon his cunning, and had rather do a shrewd thing than a kind one.
THE LAZY MAN.
Next tew the weak man the lazy man iz the wust one i kno ov, without necessarily being a viscious one.
He iz too indolent tew praktiss hiz virtews, if he haz got enny, and therefore iz konstantly open tew vice, which iz haff-brother tew lazyness.
It iz hard work tew phind lazyness and virtew mixt, but thare iz sitch a thing.
Indolence iz one ov the wust mildews i kno ov—it iz the grate leak that haz let thousands ov men drizzle away.
Lazyness iz not positively a crime, but they look and akt wonderphully alike.
Lazyness iz not ornamental even tew an old man, but tew a yung one it iz a shining disgrase.
I hav seen lazy men that i thought waz innocent, but i never felt like warrenting one ov them for more than 90 daze.
THE NERVOUS MAN.
One ov the most unkumfortable kritters in this world iz the nervus man. He discounts all hiz griefs, and suffers more from trubbles that never happen, than enny boddy else duz from trubbles that do cum.
Hiz ears are like a rabbits, always on end for sum disaster, and hiz nostrils are like the asses, snuffing misfortune out ov the east wind.
He steps az though he waz walking on eggs, and lays down like a kat in frunt ov a rat hole, reddy for a spring.
Theze poor phellows suffer without simpathy, and enjoy without satisfacshun.
The nervous man iz a long lived bird, though hiz nerves are alwus strung, he lasts like an old phiddle.
Altho i kant help but pitty the nervus man i am aware 503 that he haz moments ov plezzure that are equal tew whole hours, they are so intensified.
Whatever he duz enjoy he enjoys the whole ov, passing the bounds ov reality, he revels in the illimitable fields ov imaginashun and fancy.
I think I would rather have more nerves than i could manage than not tew hav enny, and mope on thru life az sum men do, with nothing about me so exciteable az mi relish for pork and beans.
THE DIGNIFIED MAN.
It iz often the kase that the dignified man iz nothing more than an owl amung humans.
He dont alwus kno but little, but when he duz he haz tew be kareful ov that little and look wize even if he dont prove tew be so.
One good hoss laff would spile him for life; if he lets go ov hiz dignity, hiz kapital iz all gone and he iz ruined forever.
The dignified man that i am talking about, never takes enny chances, he weighs every word before it iz uttered, and meazzures every ackshun before it iz expressed, and iz generally az free from blunders, or hits, az a tud stool iz. If he ever duz kik up and frolik he iz like the elastik elephant, and gay and kussid like the hippopotamus or wild sea hoss.
Dignity iz often substituted for wisdum, and iz quite often mistaken for it, but thare iz az mutch diffrence between them az thare iz between a puter 10 cent piece and a genuine haff dollar.
I decided long ago not tew giv enny man kredit for being wize, just bekauze he wouldn’t bend hiz back or laff when he had a right tew be tickled.
Sum ov the most suckcessfull phools i hav ever met were as grave az a kut stone, and most all the truly wize that i hav had the honor tew be introduced to, were alwuss a hunting for a good place tew roll on the grass.
Extreme gravity, in mi lexicon, stands for an extreme phool.
504THE WEAK MAN.
A weak man wants just about az mutch watching az a bad one, and haz dun just about as mutch damage in the world.
He iz every boddy’s friend, and tharefore he iz no ones, and what he iz a going tew do next iz az unknown tew him as tew others.
He haint got enny more backbone than an angleworm haz, and wiggles in and wiggles out ov every thing.
He will talk to-day like a wize man, and to-morrow like a phool, on the same subjekt.
He alwuss sez “Yes,” when he should say “No,” and staggers thru life like a drunken man.
Heaven save us from the weak man, whoze deseptions hav no fraud in them, and whoze friendships are the wuss desighns he kan hav on us.
JOSH BILLINGS HAVING FINISHED HIS BOOK, MEDITATES SUICIDE, BUT IS A LITTLE UNCERTAIN AS TO THE MODE.
TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE
List of changes from the printed edition:
| page | original | changed to |
|---|---|---|
| vii | The Lam and the Duv | The Lam and the Dove |
| vii | To Komic Lekturers | To Comik Lekturers |
| viii | The Bullhead | The Bull Head |
| viii | Mud Turkles | Mudturkles |
| viii | The Partridge | The Patridge |
| viii | The Hoop Snaix | The Hoop Snaik |
| viii | The Eel Snaix | The Eel Snaik |
| viii | The Partridge | The Patridge |
| viii | 204 | 203 |
| viii | The Tree Tud | The Tree-Tud |
| viii | Devils Darning Needle | Devil’s Darning Needle |
| viii | Fust Impresuns | Fust Impreshuns |
| ix | Embers on the Hearth | Embers on the Harth |
| ix | The Faultfinder | The Fault-Finder |
| ix | The Border Indjun | The Border Injun |
| ix | The Projector | The Projektor |
| ix | [missing entry] | The Precise Man 344 |
| ix | The Posatiff Man | The Positiff Man |
| ix | Coquette and Prude | Coquett and Prude |
| ix | At Niagra Falls | At Niagara Falls |
| ix | Dandy and Thimble Rigger | Dandy and Thimble-Rigger |
| ix | Agrikultural Hoss Trot | Agrikultural Hoss-Trott |
| ix | Pashunce of Job | Pashunce ov Job |
| x | Sum Vegetable History | Sum Vegetabel History |
| x | Beau Bennett | Beau Bennet |
| xvi | Nuñez de Bilboa | Nuñez de Balboa |
| xxi | Tell me.’ | Tell me.” |
| xxiv | our first meeeting | our first meeting |
| xxvii | Mr Shaw | Mr. Shaw |
| xxix | its meteorologica faith | its meteorological faith |
| 47 | tew lift. i kant | tew lift. I kant |
| 47 | a mistake. i thought | a mistake. I thought |
| 49 | in biles. i wouldn’t | in biles. I wouldn’t |
| 49 | the road. i must | the road. I must |
| 62 | aud the boyish | and the boyish |
| 76 | Laffiing iz just | Laffing iz just |
| 94 | a a blak kloud | a blak kloud |
| 103 | more unpleasaut to view | more unpleasant to view |
| 108 | the harth. i should | the harth. I should |
| 112 | mi manhood. if i | mi manhood, if i |
| 118 | rooling in!” | rooling in! |
| 121 | dont know him. | dont know him.” |
| 122 | them out. and then | them out, and then |
| 133 | cornfield,, but thare | cornfield, but thare |
| 149 | the rackkoon | the rackoon |
| 159 | The partridge iz | The patridge iz |
| 168 | for a hen. i hav | for a hen. I hav |
| 169 | trew euuff for poetry | trew enuff for poetry |
| 189 | the buggbear | the bugg bear |
| 203 | will roam.’ | will roam.” |
| 205 | on this subjekt. | on this subjekt.) |
| 206 | should end it viktory | should end in viktory |
| 211 | Laffiing is only | Laffing is only |
| 211 | the natural ones the common | the natural ones, the common |
| 235 | espeshliy the full stop | espeshily the full stop |
| 254 | nitro-glycerine. the best | nitro-glycerine, the best |
| 257 | from thistles, but | from thistles,” but |
| 270 | aud well disiplined baby | and well disiplined baby |
| 270 | trieing tewsmash | trieing tew smash |
| 274 | i should as soon | i should az soon |
| 287 | morality is a merchandize | morality iz a merchandize |
| 307 | no better than than the | no better than the |
| 318 | haz even seen | haz ever seen |
| 339 | I have know men | I have known men |
| 380 | tu the the reproof | tu the reproof |
| 384 | met one. i hav | met one. I hav |
| 432 | it iz now 9 oclk, P. M. | it iz now 9 clok, P. M. |
| 448 | told than 10 dollars | told that 10 dollars |
| 454 | hiz sufferings, | hiz sufferings. |
| 459 | JOHN BILLINGS | JOSH BILLINGS |
| 469 | in the grave, yard | in the graveyard |
| 470 | for a quarter,” | for a quarter.” |
| 497 | Salvashun Bitters,” | “Salvashun Bitters,” |