FOOLISH ALMANAK

Do not give way to vain regrets because you did not keep the good resolves you made a year ago. It might be worse. You might have kept the resolutions and have had no incentive for leading a better life this year.

Eclipses for the Coming Year

If there are as many Eclipses as during 1905-6, it will be a hard year on grafters and bosses. The editor is optimistic, however, believing that the sanitary revolution which swept the country has about blown over. Public confidence and laxity have been restored in a large measure and the time is now about ripe for us to get it in the neck again.

A thirsty, young sport, up in Me.
Pretended to suffer great Pe.
But when he'd imbibed
What the druggist prescribed,
He said he felt better Age.

Note: We demanded a diagram for the above and the author reluctantly provided it. He thinks that any one should know that Me. is the abbreviation for Maine and that to make the 2d and last lines rhyme you will readily read Pe. as abbreviation for pain and Age. as abbreviation for again. We feel much better now and we hope you do, dear reader.—The Editor.

From January 1st until the 7th, and possibly in some cases until the 9th or 10th, it will be very DRY. This drouth will be followed by a long wet spell. The Zodiacal sharp who runs things during January is Aquarius, which being translated means "water-wagon." The only folks who never heard of Aquarius live in the corn-belt of Kentucky.

From January 10th to the 15th, the weather will devote its time to making up its mind what it is going to do. From the 15th to the 20th it will do it.

Dark clouds of remorse and despondency will reign during the last week in January, but by February 1st you will have become accustomed and resigned to your old habits.

January will also be marked by "white goods sales," and (if it's windy in the shopping district) skirt sails.

Why a pretty ankle makes a "rubber-neck."

Why a Kentucky "Colonel" is a "good Judge."

Why chorus girls and lobsters always go together.

Why a Grass-widow objects to a raking over.

Why real pains from little champagnes grow.

Why there is no "Midway" on the straight and narrow path.

How a man can be "half-seas-over" on land.

Tale of a Tank

High-ball
Sad fall.
Big head
'Nuff said.

Before meeting his wife and family at the station a wise man will put his house in order for the home coming.

A pleasant way of doing this is to give a house-cleaning party. Divide your party into the Sweepers, the Dusters, the Scrubbers, and the Dish Washers, giving each group proper utensils and offering a prize for the best results.

Let the party begin at midnight, after a pleasant dinner, and at about 2 in the morning the police will probably come in and finish cleaning the place up.

It wasn't because George Washington cut down the cherry tree that he was made President. And very few men get into office simply for telling the truth. We hardly know how to advise you on this point. Why do you wish to enter politics?

To Find out If Money is Tainted

If silver or gold, bite it.
If bills, wash with soap and water.
If a cheque, call up the bank.

February is perhaps as good a month as any other to learn to skate.

The simplest, and most approved method, is as follows:

One high-ball, another high-ball, 1 more high-ball, simply a high-ball, just one more high-ball, ditto, the same, and lastly, a highball. (Note—After the glass is full say, "Not another drop.")

You will be surprised at the ease with which you can skate.

"Spreading the Eagle" is a very pretty and artistic skating figure. It is done by trying to get from one side of the street to the other all in the same night.

"Looping the lamp-post" is also quite an achievement in skating. It doesn't make any difference which of the two lamp-posts you loop—take your choice. It is difficult to give directions how to do this. The feat has to be seen to be learned. There is a simpler way of doing it, however, and that is—stand perfectly still while the lamp-post passes around you.

Two persons skating together for mutual assistance are known as "a pair of skates."

An expert skater can skate just as well in July as in February.

"Ambitious" asks the compiler of this Almanack to tell her the easiest way to compose a short story.

This depends somewhat on the short story, but a few general observations may be of interest. Some short stories are more excited than others.

Lead the short story to a quiet place and soothe it by praise delivered in a gentle, monotonous, but authoritative tone of voice. Be careful not to criticize, as that will make it more and more nervous. When the short story shows signs of yielding to this influence, smooth it gently with one hand and pat it on the back with the other. When quite composed, withdraw quietly, still speaking in a low tone.

A short story by Mary Wilkins can be composed more quickly than a short story by Kipling. In the latter case it may be necessary to gently persuade the short story to take an opiate.

Now is a good time to think about having your last summer's suit and hat cleaned and fixed up to last another season. You can stand at the window and look out at the snow, and think about this to your heart's content. This probably will warm you to such an extent that you will save a bit on your coal bill.

How to Handle a Muck-Rake

The owner of a muck-rake should first get a magazine to keep it in. This practice originated with Laws Tomson, the celebrated Norse Berserker.

Select your muck and rake it diligently until you find a large, fat check; then leave that pile and begin on another.

WEATHER HINT—It's a nil wind that doesn't blow.

Eve did not use face powder.

Methuselah developed peculiarities as he grew old. It is said that he never paid a telephone or gas bill.

Samson had his whims. He never went into vaudeville.

Noah never cared to take the children to see the animals at the circus.

Goliath was another who thought he had one good fight left in him.

Christopher Columbus did not go on the lecture platform to tell of his travels.

Napoleon always played solitaire before going into a battle; he couldn't run the deck out, and it made him so angry he just had to lick somebody.

Euclid invented geometry rather than design dress patterns for his wife.

Socrates was henpecked, and was one of the greatest philosophers in the world—but the rule does not hold good any longer.

One life-size morning nearly six thousand years ago Jubal sat outside of dear old Eden, whanged his harp and warbled the following:

"Gentle Spring has come at last,
So keep your furnace fires full blast!"

It was thus that Spring was invented, also the first Spring poet. But why Spring should appeal to humanity as a season of romance, no one who gives this problem serious thought can imagine.

It was in the Spring that poor old Adam first had to work, and from that time on we have had that tired feeling in the Spring. (See footnote.)

It was also in the Spring that Eve wearied of her fig-leaf toque. She stuck a couple lyre bird tails in one side, three lotos buds in the other, and that settled it. Ever since man has had to hustle in the Spring to get his wife a new hat. (See footnote.)

It was in the Spring that Cain moved. That became a habit with humanity and knocked more romance out of Spring.

FOOTNOTE—Also Summer, Autumn, and Winter.

The principal river of Egypt is the Nile. Its smaller tributaries are the juveniles.

The capital of Ireland seems destined to have the largest population of any city in the world. It's D'ublin, every year.

The United States are best for married people.

Americans are noted for being fond of jokes. Their country was originally named for A-merry-cus. (Vespucchi.)

When the flood subsided it is probable that Noah and his family landed in the vicinity of Little Rock, for we are given to understand that he came forth from the Ark-an'-saw land.

Those who say that constancy is not a feminine quality should note how long Mrs. Sippi and Miss Souri have been running together without separating.

The Mean Thing!

Some mean old maid, without a doubt,
Who'd never tasted bliss,
Was first to start that lie about
The microbes in a kiss.

Cling to your winter flannels
Till well along toward June,
For many a one is taken off
By taking them off too soon.

In the spring look after your potatoes carefully. Have their eyes examined by a good oculist, and provide spectacles for such as need them.

Never string your beans till they are old enough to understand it. If you begin too early, they are apt to lose their temper.

Don't attempt to graft your pie-plants. Many have tried grafting a custard to a mince, in the hope that the brandy in the latter would assimilate with the custard and make a Tom and Jerry, but it never works.

Before planting your punkins, carefully remove the punk.

If you have any difficulty harvesting the fruit of your boot-tree, use a boot-jack.

Owing to the well-known fact that the mongoose is the deadly foe of snakes, it is thought that the best way to exterminate them from your garden is to cultivate the mon-gooseberry. Try it.

The mint-julep does not belong to the tulip family, although the latter has a strong affinity for it.

There is no better spring month in which to move than April. Look among your papers and if you don't find a rent receipt for March you will know that it's your move. Plant an elm tree on Arbor day—it may grow up to be the tree under which Gen. Washington stopped to rest when he was pursuing the British—who knows! The farmer will do well to apply fertilizer to his land this month. There is no better fertilizer on the market than Limburger cheese. It costs considerable, but a little of it will inoculate a large area.

Extract from an Office-Boy's Dairy

Black-eyed Susan, Sweet William, and Johnny-Jump-Up will not grow in a garden built for two. Either William or John must be weeded out.

Silk hose are preferable to rubber when raising Ladies' Slippers.

Trumpet vines grow fast on automobiles.

Young ladies at summer resorts should cultivate Bachelor's Buttons; with care they may be grafted into Bridal Roses.

Many an Ox-eyed Daisy proves a Snapdragon after picking.

Wild Oats sown in second childhood are reaped by the next generation.

Snowballs and highballs both fade away in hot weather.

It's a deep-rooted crop of weeds that the muck rake won't loosen.

Very young men give their attention to the cultivation of Widow's Weeds; men of an older growth prefer to watch the Tender Buds bloom.

Have you ever thought how much money you waste in paying rent? Now that you are about to sign a new lease, it is time to ponder this subject. Say you pay $50 a month rent. That is $600 a year. Think! If you should pay rent for two thousand years you would waste as much money as Pierpont Muchgain makes on a little deal in railroads of a dull afternoon.

Keeping Lent

Jones borrowed my umbrella.
I now know what he meant
When he said it was his custom
To religiously keep lent.

From the 1st to the 10th spring house-cleaning will take place. Look out for soft soap on the stairs. Meals will be served to gentlemen down town. There is no place like home during spring house-cleaning—this is why home is so generally avoided during that period.

From the 10th to the 20th buds will burst with deafening reports and the grass will do some fancy shooting.

From the latter date to the end of the month people will discard their woolens for pneumonia.

The zodiacal sign for May is Gemini, or twins. If you see a stork skulking about your residence, shoot it. May is an open month on storks.

The careful wife and mother will find a most excellent plan for utilizing a spring bonnet of the vintage of 1906 will be to tell her husband that she will make it do another season. Then manage to be out in the rain with it on, and with no umbrella. Further instruction is unnecessary.

Timely Hints

A great many cows come in fresh in May. If you have a good calf, wear open-work hose and don't be ashamed to show it on a rainy day. Plant beans, pumpkins, and squashes about May 20th, but don't mix the seed. This is also a good month to set hens on door-knobs, and old ink-bottles, thus playing a great joke on the hens.

Getting rich is a simple matter if one goes about it right. If you will deposit one penny in the bank on the first day of the month and double each deposit each day thereafter, until the end of the month (30 days), you will find yourself rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Thus:—

When Willie was young he cried for Mayoria.
When Willie grew older he sought Governoria.
When Willie woke up he'd lost his donoria.
Now Willie is dead: they gave him Castoria.

From the 1st to the last will be marked by mosquito showers. From the 11th to the 18th weddings will exceed divorces, followed by thunder and lightning. From June 18th to June 30th ice-cream sodas will be in the ascendancy. On June 21st the sun reaches the most northerly point in the Zodiac and enters the constellation of Cancer. Cancer is the sign for June. Cancer is an old sign and something that ought to be cut out.

Sidelights on Science

If all the oceans should evaporate they would leave a deposit of 235 feet of salt. This, it is estimated, would salt enough pretzels to supply the world for several years.

It is claimed that if the power concealed in the sting of a hornet could be harnessed and utilized in commercial channels, it would lower the cost of transportation by a good many per cent.

An interesting experiment for little boys is to go into the dimly lit parlor where the big sister and her young man are sitting. Do not shuffle the feet or make any noise, and you will see a spark.

A hen will lay 200 eggs a year. A mosquito will lay 200,000,000 in one short summer. Are you gladder that hens are not mosquitoes, or that mosquitoes are not as big as hens?

The Secretary-bird, or Loebriole.

This little creature belongs to the "Knowitall" class and has no fear, often perching on the "Big Stick" itself. His distinguishing characteristic is a thick oak board where most birds wear tail-feathers. He only sings when there is a storm coming, and then his song has a plaintive note as he warbles "Ki-yi, blame it on me."

How to Make Credit Grow.

Select a choice "bluff." Prepare this carefully, for the size of the credit depends entirely upon the general appearance of the bluff. When you think the bluff is strong enough, take it to a bank. If it goes there, you will have no further trouble. Your credit is now ready to transplant. Should it begin to droop, give it a check. Be careful not to use too many, for the proper use of the credit-plant is to enable its owner to live without money.

Summer begins June 20. By this time your freckles ought to have a good start.

Do you know what a freckle is, children? It is a golden-brown splash on the northwest corner of a young woman's nose, although her dearest friend says it is a fright.

A freckle is the same to a druggist as a pipe line is to Rockefeller—ready money and a lot of it.

One large deckle-edge freckle will cause a girl to buy nine kinds of cold cream, a dozen lemons, a pint of three-*ply acid, and a gross of poudre-de-phiz every Saturday afternoon.

All this gives vigor to the freckle.

Great care should be exercised in raising corn, especially the variety Johnus Barleycornicus. This may be raised with either hand. Some superstitious agriculturists believe in the efficacy of a simple incantation to be used in the act of raising this variety, such as "Here's how!" "Over the hot sands!" etc.

This kind has never been known to fail in getting to a head. "Kernels" of Barleycorn originated in Kentucky.

Now is the time for the ruddy faced beer gardener to lay out his beer garden. First procure a license and a few nice rustic chairs and tables. Next extract the seeds from a couple of seedy old suits and get your wife to sew them. Your barber will gladly supply you with cuttings, or, if you have the chance, unscrew a dozen or so bulbs from some healthy young electric light plant.

With ordinary summer weather you should soon have a blooming fine lot of Anheuser bushes. As soon as the "buds" begin to pop, pack the roots with ice. Care should be taken to keep the plants from drying out.

Bottle flies, while annoying, do no real injury to the plant, and a judicious use of fly-paper will hold them in check.

In weeding, the beer gardener should be careful to distinguish between true widow's weeds and grass widow's weeds. The latter not only add color and beauty to the garden, but also give life to the plant.

Beer was never worn so much or used so extensively for interior decoration as it is today. There is a ready market for it at five cents a small bunch, and with intelligent grafting the bearing of the plant can be increased tenfold.

The best authorities agree that it is inadvisable to attach a pack of lighted firecrackers to the tail of the household cat—without first making sure that the insurance policy on the house has been placed in a cold storage vault. A cat loves its favorite corner when it is mentally disquieted.

Parasols should be carried on Sun-day.

Persons attending services in poorly heated churches are justified in making a cloak of their religion.

Eton jackets may be worn at the dinner table.

Silks with watered effects are popular with milkmen's wives.

The smart set is devoting a good deal of attention of late to the costuming of house dogs. Embroidered blankets during the winter and short pants during the hot summer weather are quite popular.

Shrinkable dress-patterns should always be sponged before they are made up, but the custom of putting an overcoat in "soak" after it has been worn awhile is still followed by gentlemen who are financially embarrassed.

AQUARIUS, the waterman, indicating what many a man becomes on the first of January.

PISCES, the fishes, indicating that by February he begins to be just as thirsty.

ARIES, the ram, indicating that in March he begins to meditate on the virtues of bock beer.

TAURUS, the bull, indicating that by April his disposition is surly and it's a toss-up whether he really remains a waterman.

GEMINI, the twins, indicating the result of the toss-up and how he feels toward his fellowman in May.

CANCER, the crab, indicating the backward interest with which he listens to his wife's plans for the summer.

LEO, the Lion, indicating the state of mind with which in July he agrees with them.

VIRGO, the Virgin, indicating that in August he usually hears of his daughter's engagement.

LIBRA, the scales, indicating that in September various interested persons weight his family's summer enjoyments and send him the bills.

SCORPIO, the scorpion, indicating the state of mind with which he pays them in October.

SAGITTARIUS, the archer, indicating some fine shooting on the part of his conscience toward the end of November.

CAPRICORNUS, the goat, indicating what he feels like as he decides that next year shall be different.

The war was contrary to all rules of warfare adopted by civilized nations because:

1. It was not started by a newspaper.
2. The scene of operations was not laid near a fashionable resort.
3. Photographers and correspondents were not allowed to inspect the officers' wardrobes.
4. There was no San Juan Hill.
5. The officers gave no afternoon teas, dinners, or balls.
6. The officers looked after their commands instead of writing magazine articles.
7. The soldiers were fed real food.
8. Thousands upon thousands of soldiers were killed.
9. The ships sunk in the naval battle were sunk in deep water.
10. No great scandal arose from the purchase of food, clothing, or ammunition.
11. No newspaper or magazine controversy has been started over who won the battles.

Take good care of the farm tools. A crow-bar, if carefully housed when not in use, may, at a hundred years of age be just as pry as ever.

In delivering a chair to the repairman to bottom he should be made to give a re-seat for it.

Feed the pigs well. A pig resembles a tree in one respect. It is by his root that he survives.

Farmers should encourage song birds to nest about the premises, but the lay of the hen must still bring them the most substantial delight.

It is when the farmer sees his fine crop maturing that he feels like singing, "In this wheat by and by."

In working about a mule that kicks, it should be remembered that his head-quarters are not his real business end.

A cabbage leaf in the hat is an excellent means of keeping the head cool. The experiment is more successful if on top of the cabbage leaf you will place about two handfuls of chipped ice, renewing it as fast as it melts, and you might try sipping something from a high glass decorated with mint leaves—sipping it through a straw is favored by many eminent practitioners at the bar.

A Bread and Milk Cow

The farmer with a Jersey cow
Can live as fine as silk
For he has got, you must allow,
His thorough-bred and milk.

To the fireman: Go to blazes!

To the butcher: May you never make a miss-steak in your endeavor to make both ends meat!

To the baker: May you always have the dough, not too much crust, and the means to loaf whenever you wish to!

To the spinster: May you ever be the matchless but not the mateless woman you are now!

To the young physician: May you wait, like Patience on a monument, till finally you shall have lots of monuments on your patients!

To the seamstress: May life always seam sew-sew in your hemmysphere!

To the dentist: May you always enjoy a pull and be able to fill many an aching void and long-felt want!

To the poet: May you have many more verses than reverses.

Excuse us, but we will not suggest any method for removing a coat of tan. We are assured on the best authority that Alice blue, radium gray, and fluorescent green will be the popular shades this summer. However, if yours is a tan coat, unbutton it and pull your arms out first; it will then come off easily enough.

Is the Sun Inhabited?

An astronomer from Indiana claims to have discovered that the Sun is inhabited.

The Public will probably hoot at this just as it hooted at Columbus when he said the Earth was round.

The Public also hooted at wireless telegraphy in its early stages.

The Public is now hooting at the idea of airships ever becoming common carriers.

The Sun may be inhabited, who knows?

This astronomer from Indiana may not be as buggy as he really appears at first blush.

The Sun is hot, 'tis true, but Hell is also hot.

And Hell is inhabited.

HAY A-LA-MODE

Take a pound of best timothy and soak it over night in fresh brine. Peel carefully and place it in a vegetable ivory saucepan. Add the yolk of an egg-plant and stir dreamily over an electric-fan till it disappears. Serve it right.

NUT CUTLET

Procure two dozen new nuts from any hardware shop. Grind them into a paste of about the consistency of the average politician. Over this pour a little Standard Oil from which the dividends have been removed, and stir briskly with a subp[oe]na till the oil begins to run; pour off, strain, and beat the paste with an axe until it looks and tastes like a veal cutlet.

IMITATION POTTED HARE

Take a false hare and pot it. This will be potted imitation hare, to be used for decorative purposes only.

STEWED RUBBER PLANT

Cut the plant into rubber bands, add a pinch of rubber cement and beat the whole mixture to beat the band until it will stretch without breaking. This rule is elastic.

To cure seasickness: Turn the entire system inside out and hang it over the rail of the ship where the salt spray can drench it. Under this treatment the patient is pretty sure to feel somewhat relieved within a few days after the time of going ashore.

Persons troubled with poor circulation should ascertain how to increase the same by consulting the editor of their favorite Sunday newspaper.

Weak respiration may be improved by a diet of onions. They are highly recommended for strengthening the breath.

For insomnia try snoring, which is always a symptom of SOUND sleep.

To prevent hay fever: Go not in the way of the kittenish grass widow.

Care should be taken to prevent the occupants of the penitentiary from getting the measles. It would make trouble should they all break out at once.

How to Trim Rich Relations.

This is a very dangerous and delicate operation as the subjects can only be approached when they are asleep.

Provide yourself with a black-jack, a bottle of chloroform and a sponge. About three in the morning enter the room where the Richest Relation is sleeping. Going noiselessly to the bed, hold the sponge saturated with chloroform above the Richest Relation's nose. As his sleep becomes more profound, lower the sponge, and finally, with a quick motion, jam it in his mouth. Then strike his head with the black-jack, using all your strength. Rich Relations are suspicious and you cannot be too careful in business matters. This done, cut out the gold, silver, or bills, from his pockets, and any jewels or trinkets that you may find.

Note: In most cases it will not be necessary to kill the subject before you can do the trimming.

TO MAKE A LIVING: To one old woman with money add "soft-soap" to her taste. Sweeten with gush. Mix with a wedding ceremony and shake quickly when you have her money.

TO MAKE ANGEL-FOOD: Take a "peach" with red lips. Add a shadynook. Sweeten with kisses. Serve in the moonlight.

TO PRESERVE MONEY: Take a roll of "yellow-backs" from whoever has one. Mix with all the money you can borrow. Put in a strong-box and let it stand till the police have forgotten you. Repeat the process and cover with a prominent part in church affairs.

Sons of great men oft remind us
That no matter what our fame,
Offspring that we leave behind us
May be lobsters, just the same.

If you have carelessly left your ermine muff and neck-piece where the moths have attacked it during the summer, an easy and simple way to remedy the damage will be—but wait! Maybe you haven't any ermine muff and neck-piece. Far be it from us to touch a tender spot.

She—(very décolleté). How far do you think a girl ought to go toward revealing the secrets of her heart?

He—(sizing her up). Well, I should say you'd gone about the limit.

Fair maid, how I have longed for thee,
That classic face of thine
I feared would never look on me,
Much less be wholly mine!
And now that thou art mine indeed—
In fact my last resource—
There comes, alas, through direful need,
The time for our divorce!

THE KIND THAT MOTHER DIDN'T USED TO MAKE

(Copyrighted)

First get your pumpkin. Then kill it and skin it. Cut pumpkin into small hunks with an axe. Boil the hunks. Boil them some more. Continue to boil hunks until they become a mucky gob. Unless you produce a mucky gob, the pie will be lumpy. Add fresh picked eggs to common cow's milk. Beat the eggs. They may be hard to beat, but beat them. Use a carpet beater if necessary. Now pinch the salt and add the pinch. Add a dash of cinnamon, add a few nutmegs (whole); these will give the pie that rich, nutty flavor so much desired. Add three-fourths cup of molasses. Do not add mustard—this is not a mustard plaster, it is a pie. Now add this mixture to the mucky gob. Stir until thoroughly mixed. Let stand while you give your pie-pans a coat of crust. Then pour mixture into pie-pans until they slop over. Place in a hot oven. When you can't stick a fork into the pies, they are done. Remove pies from oven and place on the back piazza to cool. If the dog likes them, they're all right.

Do not put brandy in your mince pies. It spoils it—the brandy, we mean.

We cannot speak too strongly against the pernicious habit of doctoring mince meat with brandy. It lures men on. The first baleful bite rouses the appetite, and soon they will be eating mince pie after mince pie all day, and eventually be laid up with indigestion. And even the aggressive clove curls up and faints when ordered to disguise a mince pie breath.

How To Get Rid of the Gypsy Moth

First, climb the tree where he resides and carefully put him in your hip pocket; then fall heavily to the ground, landing on your back in such a manner as to disfigure the moth permanently.

If he survives, circulate stories derogatory to gypsies generally and he will leave of his own accord.

Men are luckless farmers,
Their Family Trees will show,
For many who grafted Peaches
Are ruined by their Blow.

The period between the 1st and the 9th will be marked by cold in the head and feet. To relieve cold feet bathe them in hot water before retiring; if they're your wife's, do the same. Another way to relieve cold feet is to get out of the game. From the 9th to the 16th there will be hard sledding for the poor and automobiling for the rich. Along the latter part of the month there will be a wave of hot mince pie, turkey, cranberry sauce, and other good things, followed by headache in the northern portion and stomach-ache in the southern portion.

Sagittarius (the Archer) is the sign in the Zodiac for November. It is "Sag's" business to shoot any good weather that shows itself above the skyline. Sometimes when "Sag" is not looking the summer Indian sneaks through the picket line.

To properly view an eclipse to its full, a party of several good spirits should get together. Whether an eclipse of the sun or the moon, each should take a glass and smoke it. A great deal depends on the quality and character of the glass. Some glasses are much more certain to reveal an eclipse than are others.

If the first glass when properly smoked does not show the eclipse, try another and a stronger one. It is very probable that this glass will show the sun or the moon in the throes of an eclipse. Still another glass will show two suns or two moons. The third glass is likely to show several moons and several suns, fixed stars and those that need fixing, comets and milky ways, sky-rockets and pin-wheels, all combining to eclipse the finest display of Fourth of July fireworks ever projected by the mind of man.

And when the beholder of this mighty spectacle wakes up during the afternoon of the following day and sees but one simple unadorned sun doing business in the whole expanse of the broad, blue heavens, he has a feeling of pity for all those who retired early the night before and missed the social, spiritual, and educative uplift that comes from viewing an eclipse under just the proper conditions.

Now, do not show your resentment toward those who forgot to send you presents last Christmas. Send each of them a little remembrance—but be sure to select something that will force them to spend forty or fifty dollars to take care of it or to surround it with the proper atmosphere. This is much better than mailing a post card and letting it go at that.

It is encouraging to note that farming in our far Northwest possessions is on the boom. [Note to printer—be careful not to make "bum" out of "boom."] A bulletin issued by the Agricultural Department of our government, just as we go to press, shows that there are at present in Alaska 12 farms, four oxen, 13 cows, 176 chickens, 10 pigs, several cases of pneumonia and numerous games of "freeze-out." During the fiscal year there was harvested in Alaska $165 worth of hay, $95 worth of eggs and poultry, and a big crop of ice. There are certain advantages of farming in Alaska. In harvest time, for instance, a man never sweats at work. He markets his milk frozen and sells it by the hunk. You never hear of anybody crying over spilt milk in Alaska. It's the same way with eggs—no cold storage needed; the eggs are frozen before they are layed, thus retaining their fine, fresh flavor until used. You never hear of an egg passing from the sublime to the ridiculous stage in Alaska.

Farmers in Alaska plow with ice-picks and shoot the seed into the soil with a double-barreled shotgun. The 12 farmers in Alaska held a farmers' institute recently to talk over prospects for the current year. Basing prospects on $165 worth of hay raised last year, they figure that if conditions are favorable they will raise $175 worth this year.

One of Our Awful Smart Boys

Little George Hathadash lives in Megawolloppey, Maine, and is now three years old.

This brave ruddy-cheeked boy immediately took the Megawolloppey agency for the "Saturday Evening Roast," feeling sure that his ruddy cheek would carry him through successfully. Next Sunday, when everybody was gathered in church, who should come toddling down the aisle but George Hathadash distributing his first bundle of "Roasts," just as he had seen the train boy sell candy on a train of cars. "Better and brighter than any thermon," cried George Hathadash in his childish treble. "Here's your 'Thaturday Evening Roast,' the brother-in-law of the 'Ladies' Wall Paper.' Better and brighter than any thermon."

Of course that attracted attention, and almost before he knew it George had disposed of his whole bundle and established himself in business. He is now well on his way to win the beautiful prize of a silver carving knife that the "Roast" offers as an extra inducement to its hustling young salesmen.

There are other prizes and any boy with a good ruddy cheek is likely to get one of them.

But all boys are not like George Hathadash. We think he is going to be a President of the Common Council.

It is now pretty generally believed that the name given to one to bear with him night and day, during all his years, has a most important influence in the work of shaping his life and fortune.

No doubt a careful investigation of the subject would show that most of the bare-pated men of the nation are so because while they were still helpless little children they were named Archibald, Theobald, Baldwin, and the like, whereas, had they been named Harry, or Harold, or Aaron, they would still be blest with well-thatched polls.

It is the bounden duty of parents to determine the business or profession in which they intend their children shall engage. If they wish their son to become a fancy poultry-breeder they should name him Egbert or Henry; if they wish him to become a surgeon they should call him Lancelot; if an arithmetician, Adam; if a clown, Guy or Joshua; if a street car driver, Oscar; if a real estate dealer, Lot or Orlando; if a man of wealth, Richard; if a debtor, Owen; and if they wish him to "go to grass," Timothy.

The same degree of thoughtful care should be exercised in naming girls, as well. If a girl is to become a musician she should be called Octavia or Dora; if a milliner, Hattie; if a writer, Adaline; if a cook, Dinah or Amelia; and so on to the end of the chapter.

DIFFIDENT—The proper way to handle a lobster is to have him arrested.

ECONOMY—We know of no place where toothbrushes are laundered.

HISTORIAN—You are right. Noah was the largest individual holder of watered stock during his age.

SCIENCE—Yes, ice is slippery on both sides.

WELL WISHER—We return the $5 note. We cannot accept counterfeit money from admirers.

SPORT—You lose. Adam was born an orphan.

Recent Inventions

A charming addition to the safety razor is a little fountain attachment that sprinkles the user with Bay Rum.

Up-to-date bachelors are rapidly adopting the new unlosable collar button. This collar button is made of rubber with a little electric light attachment and is guaranteed to bounce for five minutes. Every time it strikes the floor, the impact causes the light to shine brilliantly, thus making it impossible to lose sight of even in the darkest corner.