The Project Gutenberg eBook, Our People, by Charles Samuel Keene This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: Our People From the Collection of "Mr. Punch" Author: Charles Samuel Keene Release Date: October 14, 2012 [eBook #41057] Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) ***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK OUR PEOPLE*** E-text prepared by Chris Curnow, Sue Fleming, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made available by Internet Archive (http://archive.org) Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this file which includes the original illustrations. See 41057-h.htm or 41057-h.zip: (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/41057/41057-h/41057-h.htm) or (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/41057/41057-h.zip) Images of the original pages are available through Internet Archive. See http://archive.org/details/ourpeople00keen Transcriber's note: Text enclosed by underscores is in italics (_italics_). Text enclosed by equal signs is in bold face (=bold=). The oe ligature is shown as [oe]. OUR PEOPLE Sketched by CHARLES KEENE. from the Collection of "Mr. Punch." Boston, James R. Osgood & Co. 1881. "Our People." Sketches from 'Punch' by 'C. K.' Illustration OUR PEOPLE. AT HOME. OUR PEOPLE. STREET-LIFE. OUR PEOPLE. IN THE COUNTRY. OUR PEOPLE. TRAVELLING. OUR PEOPLE. PROFESSIONAL. OUR PEOPLE. OFFICIAL. OUR PEOPLE. IN THE ARMY. OUR PEOPLE. ART AND ARTISTS. OUR PEOPLE. VOLUNTEERS. OUR PEOPLE. AT BUSINESS. OUR PEOPLE. DOMESTICS. OUR PEOPLE. WORKING FOLK. OUR PEOPLE. IN IRELAND. OUR PEOPLE. IN SCOTLAND. &c., &c. Illustration: Toots! theres no a Jok' i' th' 'hale beuk! COMPANION to "OUR PEOPLE," ENGLISH SOCIETY AT HOME, Society Pictures By GEORGE DU MAURIER. JAMES R. OSGOOD & Co., PUBLISHERS. Illustration: Mens Conscia. =Inspector= (_who notices a backwardness in History_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHARTA?" (_No answer._) =Inspector= (_more urgently_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHARTA?" (_No answer._) =Inspector= (_angrily_). "WHO SIGNED MAGNA CHARTA!!?" =Scapegrace= (_Thinking matters are beginning to look serious_). "PLEASE, SIR, 'TWASN'T ME, SIR!!" Illustration: _Dignity._ =Club "Buttons."= "I'M AT THE 'JUNIOR PENINSULAR' NOW." =Friend.= "WHAT! DID YOU 'GET THE SACK' FROM 'THE REYNOLDS'?" =Buttons= (_indignant_). "GO ALONG WITH YER! 'GET THE SACK!' I SENT IN MY RESI'NATION TO THE C'MMITTEE!" Illustration: _Family Pride._ =First Boy.= "MY FATHER'S A ORFICER." =Second Boy.= "WHAT ORFICER?" =First Boy.= "WHY, A CORPORAL!" =Third Boy= (_evidently "comic"_). "SO'S MY FATHER--HE'S A ORFICER, TOO--A GENERAL, HE IS!" =Fourth Boy.= "GO ALONG WITH YER!" =Third Boy.= "SO HE IS--HE'S A _GENERAL DEALER_!!" Illustration: _Bad Customer._ =Landlady.= "WHAT GENTLEMAN'S LUGGAGE IS THIS, SAM?" =Ancient Waiter.= "GE'TLEMAN'S LUGGAGE, 'M! 'OR' BLESHYER, NO, MUM! THAT'S _ARTIS'S TRAPS_, THAT IS. THEY'LL 'AVE TEA HERE TO-NIGHT, TAKE A LITTLE LODGIN' TO-MORROW, AND THERE THEY'LL BE A LOAFIN ABOUT THE PLACE FOR MONTHS, DOIN' NO GOOD TO NOBODY!" Illustration: "_March of Refinement._" =Brown= (_behind the Age, but hungry_). "GIVE ME THE BILL OF FARE, WAITER." =Head Waiter.= "BEG PARDON, SIR?" =Brown.= "THE BILL OF FARE." =Head Waiter.= "THE WHAT, SIR? O!--AH!--YES!"--(_to Subordinate_)--"CHAWLES, BRING THIS--THIS--A--GEN'LEMAN--THE _MENOO_!!" Illustration: _Refrigerated Tourists._ =Provincial Waiter.= "ICE! GENTLEMEN! THERE AIN'T NO ICE IN AUTUMN TIME. BUT IT'S EASY TO SEE YOU ARE GENTS FROM LONDON, AS DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT NATURE, AND I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR IT, IN COURSE. BUT, ICE IN AUGUST!" _Exit, sniggering._ Illustration: Intelligent Pet. "MA, DEAR, WHAT DO THEY PLAY THE ORGAN SO LOUD FOR, WHEN 'CHURCH' IS OVER? IS IT TO WAKE US UP?" Illustration: "Durance." =Little Daughter.= "WON'T THEY LET US OUT WITHOUT PAYING, MA'?" Illustration: _The Mystery Solved._ =Effie= (_our Parson's little daughter: her first experience of "Church." Aloud--with intense surprise_). "PA AND ALL THE DEAR LITTLE BOYS, IN THEIR NIGHTGOWNS, GOING TO BYE-BYE!!" Illustration: _A Pledged M. P._ =M. P.'s Bride= "OH! WILLIAM, DEAR--IF YOU ARE--A LIBERAL--DO BRING IN A BILL--NEXT SESSION--FOR THAT UNDERGROUND TUNNEL!!" Illustration: "_Perils of the Deep._" =Unprotected Female= (_awaking old Gent., who is not very well_). "O, MISTER, WOULD YOU FIND THE CAPTAIN? I'M SURE WE'RE IN DANGER! I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE MAN AT THE WHEEL; HE KEEPS TURNING IT ROUND FIRST ONE WAY AND THEN THE OTHER, AND EVIDENTLY DOESN'T KNOW HIS OWN MIND!!" Illustration: "_The Pink of Fashion._" "OUR FLOWER SHOW WAS A DECIDED SUCCESS THIS YEAR, AND LITTLE FIDKINS IN AN EMBROIDERED FLORAL WAISTCOAT WAS KILLING!" Illustration: _The Bird Show._ =That Charming Gal= _with the blue feather_ (_to Prize Canary_). "SWEETY, DEAR!" =Comic Man= (_"Dolcissimo con Brio," from the other side of the pedestal_). "YES, DUCKY!" _Utterly ruining the hopes, and taking the wind out o' the sails of his tall friend (serious man), who had been spoonying about her all the afternoon, and thought he had made an impression!_ Illustration: "_Trying._" =Happy Swain= (_she has "named the day"_). "AND NOW, DEAREST EDITH, THAT IS ALL SETTLED. WITH REGARD TO JEWELLERY, MY LOVE; WOULD YOU LIKE A SET IN PLAIN GOLD, OR----" =Edith= (_economical and courageous, and who suffers a good deal from toothache_). "OH, AUGUSTUS, NOW YOU ASK ME--DO YOU KNOW--I--REALLY--BUT--MR. CLINCH TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT HE COULD EXTRACT ALL I HAVE, AND PUT IN A BEAUTIFUL NEW SET FOR ONLY FIFTEEN GUINEAS!!" Illustration: Common Prudence. =Snob.= "OH, LET'S GET OUT O' THIS MOB, 'ARRY! THEY'LL THINK WE'RE A GOIN' TO _CHURCH_!" Illustration: The Triumphs of Temper. =Fare= (_out of patience at the fourth "jib" in a Mile_). "HI, THIS WON'T DO! I SHALL GET OUT!" =Cabby= (_through the trap, in a whisper_). "AH THIN, SOR, NIVER MIND HER! SIT STILL! DON'T GIVE HER THE SATISFACTION AV KNOWIN' SHE'S GOT RID AV YE!!" Illustration: "For Better for Worse." _Our friend Bagnidge (hasn't a rap) has just married the widow (rich) of old Harlesden the stockbroker._ =Mrs. B.= (_Retiring_). "SHALL I SEND MY POPPET HIS SLIPPERS?" =Mr. B.= "N-N-N-N-O--NOT AT PRESENT, THANKS!" (_Sotto voce to his guest when the door was closed._) "NOT SO FOND OF HAVING THE MUZZLES ON MY FEET AT EIGHT O'CLOCK IN THE EVENING, YOU KNOW, BARNEY!!" Illustration: A Half Truth. =Guard= (_of the Fatuous Railway Company, that still forbids tobacco_). "STRONG SMELL OF SMOKE, SIR!" =Passenger= (_his cigar covered by his newspaper_). "YA-AS; THE PARTY WHO HAS JUST GOT OUT HAS BEEN SMOKING FURIOUSLY!!" Illustration: Poor Humanity! =Bride.= "I THINK--GEORGE, DEAR--I SHOULD--BE BETTER--IF WE WALKED ABOUT----" =Husband= (_one wouldn't have believed it of him_). "YOU CAN DO AS YOU LIKE, LOVE. I'M VERY WELL(!) AS I AM!!" Illustration: _Family Ties._ (_Respec'fully dedicated to Mr. Punch's excellent friends at the Egyptian Hall--M. and C._) =Aunt.= "GRACIOUS GOODNESS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CUPBOARD, YOU NAUGHTY BOYS?" =Jacky.= "OH, AUNT, WE'RE PLAYING 'MASCULINE AND COOK'! I TIE HIM TO THE CHAIR, AND WHEN THE DOOR'S OPENED HIS HANDS ARE FREE. THEN HE DOES ME!!" Illustration: "_Prevention Better than Cure._" =Jeames= (_excitedly_). "HERE--HERE--HERE'S THE SHILLIN'! QUICK--QUICK--OFF WITH YOU!" =German Impostor= (_affecting concern_). "DERE IS SOME VUN ILL?" =Jeames.= "WELL, NOT JUST YET! BUT THERE PRECIOUS SOON WILL BE, IF YOU DON'T KNOCK OFF!" Illustration: The Roll-Call. =Sergeant.= "ALISTER MCALISTER!" =Answer.= "HAMISHO!" =Sergeant.= "DONAL' MCBEAN!" =Answer.= "HAMISHO!" =Sergeant.= "PETER MCKAY!" ANSWER. "HAMISHO!" =Sergeant.= "JOHN SMITH!" =Answer.= "HERE, SIR!" =Sergeant= (_with a Sniff_). "UGH! 'ENGLISH POCK-PUDDING'"!! Illustration: _Gentility in Greens._ (_Mrs. Brown finds Sandymouth a very different place from what she remembers it years ago!_) =Greengrocer.= "CABBAGE, MUM!? WE DON'T KEEP NO SECOND-CLASS VEGETABLES, MUM. YOU'LL GET IT AT THE LOWER END O' THE TOWN!" Illustration: _Plain to Demonstration._ =Customer= (_nervously_). "AH! THEY MUST BE VERY IRKSOME AT FIRST." =Dentist= (_exultantly_). "NOT A BIT OF IT, SIR! LOOK HERE, SIR!" (_Dexterously catching his entire set._) "HERE'S MY UPPERS, AND HERE'S MY UNDERS!" Illustration: Unprejudiced! =Swell= (_at the R. A. Exhibition_). "Haw! 've you any Idea--w what Fellaw's Pictu-ars we're to Admi-are this Ye-ar!!!?" Illustration: A Kind Son. =Paterfamilias= (_to his Eldest Son, who is at Bartholomew's_). "GEORGE, THESE ARE UNCOMMONLY GOOD CIGARS! I CAN'T AFFORD TO SMOKE SUCH EXPENSIVE CIGARS AS THESE." =George= (_grandly_). "FILL YOUR CASE--FILL YOUR CASE, GOV'NER!!" Illustration: Crass Ignorance. =First Swell.= "LET'S SEE--TO-MORROW'S----WHAT'S T'DAY, BYTH'BY?" =Second Swell.= "TUESDAY, ISN'T IT?--OR MONDAY?--WAS YEST'DAY SUNDAY? NE' MIND--(_yawns_)--MY MAN'LL BE HERE PWESENTLY--PWECIOUS SHWEWD FELLOW--'TELL US LIKE A SHOT!!" Illustration: A Change in the Weather. =Paterfamilias= (_with a sigh: his family have been to Boulogne for the holidays_). "IT'S ALL UP!" =Bachelor Friend= (_who has enjoyed these little Dinners_). "WHAT'S THE MATTER?" =Paterfamilias.= "TELEGRAM! SHE SAYS THEY'VE ARRIVED SAFE AT FOLKESTONE, AND WILL BE HOME ABOUT 10.30!" Illustration: "Res Angustae Domi." =Family Man.= "WHERE DO YOU GO THIS YEAR, JINNINGS?" =Bachelor= (_in a sketchy manner_). "OH--BADEN FOR A FEW WEEKS, AND THE WHINE, BELGIUM--P'WAPS GET AS FAR'S VIENNAH! WHERE 'YOU OFF TO?" =Family Man.= "OH, I SUPPOSE I SHALL TAKE THE OLD WOMAN DOWN TO WORTHING--AS USUAL!" _And he says this in anything but a sprightly manner--which was weak and injudicious._ Illustration: _Irish Ingenuity._ =Saxon Tourist.= "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU LOWERING THE SHAFTS FOR?" (_He has just found out that this manoeuvre is gone through at every ascent._) =Car-Driver.= "SHURE, YER 'ONNER, WE'LL MAKE 'M B'LAVE HE'S GOIN' DOWN HILL!" Illustration: _Scrupulous._ =Shepherd.= "O, JIMS, MUN! CAN YE NO GIE A WHUSTLE ON THA RAM'LIN' BRUTE O' MINE? I DAURNA MYSEL'; IT'S JUST FAST-DAY IN OOR PARISH!!" Illustration: A Game Two can Play at. =Guard= (_to Excited Passenger at the Edinburgh Station, just as the Train is Starting_). "YE'RE TOO LATE, SIR. YE CANNA ENTER." =Stalwart Aberdonian.= "A' MAUN!" =Guard= (_holding him back_). "YE CANNA!" =Aberdonian.= "TELL YE A' MAUN--A' WEEL!" (_Gripping Guard._) "IF A' MAUNNA, YE SANNA!!!" Illustration: Decimals on Deck. =Irish Mate.= "HOW MANNY IV YE DOWN THER-RE?!" =Voice from the Hold.= "THREE, SOR!" =Mate.= "THIN HALF IV YE COME UP HERE IMMADIATELY!!" Illustration: More "Revenge for the Union." =Saxon Tourist= (_at Irish Railway Station_). "WHAT TIME DOES THE HALF-PAST ELEVEN TRAIN START, PADDY?" =Porter.= "AT THRUTTY MINUTES TO TWILVE--SHARRUP, SOR!" _Tourist retires up, discomfited._ Illustration: _The Ulster._ =Schoolboy= (_to Brown, in his new great-coat_). "YAH! COME OUT OF IT! D'YOU THINK I DON'T SEE YER!!" Illustration: "_Silence is Golden._" =Chatty Old Gent.= "HAVE YOU LONG HOURS, HE-AR, PORTAR?" =Railway Porter= (_whose Temper has been spoilt_). "SAME AS ANYWHERES ELSE, I S'POSE--SIXTY MINUTES!"----(_Bell rings, Railway Porter touches up Old Gent's favourite corn, and rushes off!_) =Old Gent.= "PH--O--O--O--O--!" Illustration: _Barometrical._ =Draper.= "LIGHT SUMMER DRESS? YES, M'M. SOLD A GREAT MANY THE LAST FEW DAYS, M'M, THE WEATHER HAVIN' RISEN FROM A FRENCH MERINO TO A GRENADINE!" Illustration: _A Family Man._ =Cabby.= "VY, I'M A FATHER OF A FAM'LY MYSELF, MUM,--NOT SO 'ANDSOME AS YOUR LITTLE DEARS, MUM, I DON'T SAY,--AN' D'YOU THINK I'D GO FOR TO OVERCHARGE FOR 'EM? NOT I, MUM! NOT A SIXPENCE, BLESS THEIR LITTLE 'EARTS!" &c., &c. _Claim allowed._ Illustration: _Unconscionable._ =Head of the Firm.= "WANT A HOLIDAY!? WHY, YOU'VE JUST BEEN AT HOME ILL FOR A MONTH!" Illustration: _A Narcotic._ =Doctor.= "LOOK HERE, MRS. MCCAWDLE. DON'T GIVE HIM ANY MORE PHYSIC. A SOUND SLEEP WILL DO HIM MORE GOOD THAN ANYTHING." =Gudewife.= "E-H, DOCTHOR, IF WE COULD ONLY GET HIM TAE THE KIRK!!" Illustration: The Connoisseur. =Host= (_smacking his lips_). "THERE, MY BOY, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? I THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU A TREAT. THAT'S '34 PORT, SIR!" =Guest.= "AH! AND A VERY NICE, SOUND WINE, I SHOULD SAY! I BELIEVE IT'S QUITE AS GOOD AS SOME I GAVE 37S. FOR THE OTHER DAY." Illustration: Awful Warning! =Guest= (_at City Company Dinner._) "I'M UNCOMMONLY HUNGRY!" =Ancient Liveryman= (_with feeling_). "TAKE CARE, MY DEAR SIR, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, TAKE CARE! D'YOU KNOW IT HAPPENED TO ME AT THE LAST LORD MAYOR'S DINNER TO BURN MY TONGUE WITH MY FIRST SPOONFUL OF CLEAR TURTLE; 'CONSEQUENCE WAS--(_sighs_)--'COULDN'T TASTE AT ALL--ANYTHING--FOR THE REST OF THE EVENING!!" Illustration: _The Sausage Machine._ =Cook= (_in a fluster_). "O 'F Y' PLEASE, 'M, NO WONDER THE FLAVIOUR O' THEM SASSENGERS WASN'T TO-RIGHTS, 'M, WHICH I'VE JEST NOW KETCHED MASTER ALFRED A CUTTIN' HIS 'CAVENDISH' IN THE MACHINE!" Illustration: Just in Time. =Veteran Piscator.= "HECH! BUT YON'S A MUCKLE FESH LOUPIN' AHINT ME!"----(_It was lucky he looked round!--his Friend from London had preferred Sketching on the Banks, had stumbled over a Boulder, and "Gone a Header" into a deep hole. He was gaffed at his last kick!_) Illustration: _Words and Weights._ =Angler.= "DEUCED ODD, DONALD, I CAN'T GET A FISH OVER SEVEN POUNDS, WHEN THEY SAY MAJOR GRANT ABOVE US KILLED HALF A DOZEN LAST WEEK THAT TURNED TWENTY POUNDS APIECE!" =Donald.= "AWEEL, SIR, IT'S NO THAT MUCKLE ODDS I'TH' SAWMON,--BUT THAE FOWK UP THE WATTER IS BIGGER LEEARS THAN WE ARE DOON HERE!" Illustration: "_Mal Apropos._" =Rector's Wife.= "WELL, VENABLES, HOW DO YOU THINK WE SOLD THE JERSEY COW?" =Venables.= (_Factotum and Gardener_) "WELL, M'M, MASTER BYLES HAS GOT THE BETTER O' WE A MANY TIMES, BUT--(_proudly_)--I THINK AS WE A' DONE HE TO-RIGHTS THIS TURN!!" "_So awkward! and before the Archdeacon, too!_" Illustration: "_A Slip o' the Tongue._" =Yachting Biped.= "THEN YOU'LL LOOK US UP AT PRIMROSE 'ILL?" =New Acquaintance= (_gentlemanly man_). "OH, YES--NEAR THE 'ZOO,' ISN'T IT? WE OFTEN DROP IN AND HAVE A LOOK AT THE MONKEYS!" Illustration: _Confession in Confusion._ =Priest.= "NOW, TELL ME, DOOLAN, TRUTHFULLY, HOW OFTEN DO YOU GO TO CHAPEL?" =Pat.= "WILL, NOW, SHURE OI'LL TILL YER RIV'RENCE THE TRUT'. FAIX, I GO AS OFTEN I CAN AVOID!" Illustration: _The New Running Drill._ (_A respectful appeal to His Royal Highness the Commander-in-Chief._) CAPTAIN BLUARD, AS HE APPEARED IN COMMAND OF HIS COMPANY. Illustration: _Our Military Manoeuvres._ =Irish Drill-Sergeant= (_to Squad of Militiamen_). "PR'S'NT 'RRMS!"--(_Astonishing result._)--"HIV'NS! WHAT A 'PRISINT'! JIST STIP OUT HERE NOW, AN' LOOK AT YERSILVES!!" Illustration: The Race not yet Extinct. =Country Excursionist= (_just landed at G. W. Terminus_). "COULD YOU INFORM ME WHAT THESE 'ERE BUSSES CHARGE FROM PADDINGTON TO THE BANK?" =Dundreary= (_with an effort_). "AU-H, PO' M'SOUL, HAVEN'T AN IDEA-H! NEVER WODE 'N ONE IN M'LIFE! SHOULD SAY A MERE TWIFLE! P'WAPS A SHILLING, OR TWO SHILLINGS. 'DON'T THINK THE WASCALS COULD HAVE THE CONSCIENCE TO CHARGE YOU MORE THAN THWEE SHILLINGS! 'WOULDN'T PAY MORE THAN FOUR! I'D SEE 'EM AT THE D-D-DOO-OOCE!" Illustration: _A Dilemma._ =Party= (_overcome by the heat of the Weather_). "HOY! CAB!" =Driver.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR, IF YOU'LL JUST WALK TO THE GATE." =Party.= "O, BOTHER! WALKING TO 'GATE!" =Driver.= "WELL, SIR, IF YOU CAN'T GET THROUGH, I DON'T SEE HOW I CAN GET OVER!" Illustration: Adjustment. =Bootmaker= (_who has a deal of trouble with this Customer_). "I THINK, SIR, IF YOU WERE TO CUT YOUR CORNS, I COULD MORE EASILY FIND YOU A PAIR----" =Choleric Old Gentleman=. "CUT MY CORNS, SIR!--I ASK YOU TO FIT ME A PAIR O' BOOTS TO MY FEET, SIR!--I'M NOT GOING TO PLANE MY FEET DOWN TO FIT YOUR BOOTS!!!" Illustration: A Mine of Speculation. =Dealer= (_to Wavering Customer_). "WELL, OF COURSE WE ALL KNOW THAT--HE'S GOT 'IS BAD POINTS AN' 'IS GOOD POINTS; BUT WHAT I SAY IS, THERE'S NO DECEPTION ABOUT 'IS BAD POINTS--WE CAN SEE 'EM. BUT WE CAN'T NONE OF US TELL 'OW MANY GOOD POINTS HE MAY 'AVE TILL WE COMES TO KNOW 'IM!!" _The "Party" took time to consider._ Illustration: "Argumentum ad Hominem!" =Dealer.= "I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE HIS 'EAD, AND I ALLOW HE AIN'T GOT A PURTY 'EAD; BUT LOR'--NOW LOOK AT GLADSTONE, THE CLEVEREST MAN IN ALL ENGLAND!--AND LOOK AT 'IS 'EAD"!!! Illustration: Veneration. =Lodger.= "I SHALL NOT DINE AT HOME TO-DAY, MA'AM, BUT I'VE A FRIEND COMING THIS EVENING. IF YOU COULD GIVE US SOMETHING NICE FOR SUPPER----" =Landlady= (_Low Church_). "WOULD YOU LIKE THE REMAINDER OF THE COLD TURKEY--AH ('_feels a delicacy_')--HEM! _BEELZE-BUBBED_, SIR?" Illustration: A Soft Answer. =Irascible Old Gent.= "WAITER! THIS PLATE IS QUITE COLD!" =Waiter.= "YESSIR, BUT THE CHOP IS 'OT, SIR, WHICH I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT'LL WARM UP THE PLATE NICELY, SIR!" Illustration: Seasonable Luxury. =Old Gent= (_disgusted_). "HECK, WAITER! HERE'S A--HERE'S A--A--CATERPILLAR IN THIS CHOP!" =Waiter= (_flippantly_). "YESSIR. ABOUT THE TIME O' YEAR FOR 'EM JUST NOW, SIR!" Illustration: Education! =Papa= (_improving the occasion at Luncheon_). "NOW, LOOK, HARRY, THE CIRCUMFERENCE OF THIS CAKE IS EQUAL TO ABOUT THREE TIMES THE DIAMETER, AND----" =Harry.= "OH, THEN, PA', LET ME HAVE THE C'CUMF'RENCE FOR MY SHARE!!" Illustration: Cricket! =Uncle.= "WELL, TOM, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE IN CRICKET THIS HALF?" =Tom.= "OH, BLESS YOU, UNCLE, WE'VE BEEN 'NOWHERE,' THIS SEASON; ALL OUR BEST 'MEN,' YOU KNOW, WERE DOWN WITH THE _MEASLES_!" Illustration: Treacherous Confederate. =Uncle George= (_who has been amusing the Young People with some clever Conjuring_). "NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU SAW ME BURN THE HANDKERCHIEF.--WOULD YOU BE SURPRISED TO FIND--(_Roars of Laughter_)--I SHALL PRODUCE THE ORANGE OUR YOUNG FRIEND HERE WAS SO OBLIGING AS TO OFFER TO TAKE CARE OF, AND INSIDE WHICH, I'VE NO DOUBT, WE SHALL FIND THE SHILLING?!" Illustration: Breaking the Ice. =Sprightly Lady.= "MR. DORMERS, WOULD YOU OBLIGE ME WITH----" =Bashful Curate= (_who had scarcely spoken to his Fair Neighbour_). "O, CERTAINLY. WHAT SHALL I HAVE THE PLEASURE TO OFFER?----" =Lady.= "----A REMARK!!" Illustration: The First Sermon. =Aunt.= "WELL, DAISY, HOW DID YOU LIKE 'CHURCH' YESTERDAY?" =Daisy.= "O, AUNTY, THEY WERE ALL SO QUIET AND LOOKED SO CROSS, I THOUGHT I MUST 'A' SCREAMED!!" Illustration: "Sweet is Revenge, Especially to Women!" CAPTAIN OGLEBY, WHO ANNOYS THE MISS LANKYSTERS SO MUCH ON THE PROMENADE BY HIS OBTRUSIVE ADMIRATION, IS DISCOVERED EARLY ONE MORNING, BY HIS EXULTANT VICTIMS, IN THE ACT OF HAVING AN "EASY SHAVE" IN THE SOMEWHAT LIMITED PREMISES OF THE VILLAGE FIGARO. Illustration: Desperate Case! =M. A.= (_endeavouring to instil Euclid into the mind of Private Pupil going into the Army_). "NOW, IF THE THREE SIDES OF THIS TRIANGLE ARE ALL EQUAL, WHAT WILL HAPPEN?" =Pupil= (_confidently_). "WELL, SIR, I SHOULD SAY THE FOURTH WOULD BE EQUAL, TOO!!" Illustration: Exchange! =Togswell= (_in the Washing Room at the Office, proceeding to dress for the De Browney's Dinner-Party_). "HULLO! WHAT THE DOOCE"--(_Pulling out, in dismay, from black bag, a pair of blue flannel Tights, a pink striped Jersey, and a spiked canvas Shoe._)--"CONFOUND IT! YES!--I MUST HAVE TAKEN THAT FELLOW'S BAG WHO SAID HE WAS GOING TO THE ATHLETIC SPORTS THIS AFTERNOON, AND HE'S GOT MINE WITH MY DRESS CLOTHES!!" Illustration: _A Degenerate Son._ =The Governor= (_indignantly_). "GEORGE, I'M SURPRISED AT YOU! I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU KNEW BETTER! IT'S DISGRACEFUL! IS IT FOR THIS I'VE PAID HUNDREDS OF POUNDS TO GIVE YOU AN UNIVERSITY EDUCATION, THAT YOU SHOULD----" =Son and Heir= (_with cigar_). "WHY--WHAT HAVE I DONE, GOVERNOR?" =The Governor.= "DONE? DARED TO SMOKE, SIR, WHILE YOU ARE _DRINKING MY '34 PORT_!!" Illustration: _Lucid!_ =Irish Sergeant= (_to Squad at Judging-Distance Drill_). "NOW, YE'LL PAY THE GREATEST OF ATTINTION TO THE MAN AT EIGHT HUNDRED YAR-RDS: BECASE, IF YE CAN'T SEE 'M, YE'LL BE DECEIVED IN HIS 'APPARANCE!!" Illustration: _The Riding Lesson._ =Riding Master= (_to Sub, who is qualifying himself for the Punjaub Cavalry_). "IF YER 'EAD WAS ONLY TURNED THE OTHER WAY, WHAT A SPLENDID CHEST YOU'D 'AVE, MR. BOWDRIB!" Illustration: _Look before you Leap._ =Middle-Aged Uncle.= "NOT PROPOSED TO HER YET! WHY, WHAT A SHILLY-SHALLYING FELLOW YOU ARE, GEORGE! YOU'LL HAVE THAT LITTLE WIDOW SNAPPED UP FROM UNDER YOUR NOSE, AS SURE AS YOU'RE BORN! PRETTY GAL LIKE THAT--NICE LITTLE PROPERTY--EVIDENTLY LIKES YOU--WITH AN ESTATE IN THE HIGHLANDS, TOO, AND YOU A SPORTING MAN----" =Nephew.= "AH! THAT'S WHERE IT IS, UNCLE! HER FISHING'S GOOD, I KNOW; BUT I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT HER _GROUSE_!" Illustration: _No Mistake, this Time._ =Lodger.= "DEAR ME, MRS. CRIBBLES, YOUR CAT'S BEEN AT THIS MUTTON AGAIN!" =Landlady.= "OH NO, MUM, IT CAN'T BE THE CAT. MY 'USBAND SAYS HE B'LIEVES IT'S THE COLLERLARDA BEETLE!" Illustration: _State o' Trade._ =Small Girl.= "PLEASE, MRS. GREENSTOUGH, MOTHER SAYS WILL YOU GIVE HER A LETTUCE?" =Mrs. G.= "GIVE?! TELL THEE MOTHER GIV'UM'S DEAD, AND LENDUM'S VERY BAD. NOTHINK FOR NOTHINK 'ERE, AND PRECIOUS LITTLE FOR SIX-PENCE!!" Illustration: "Let Well Alone!" =Swell.= "AH--WHAT'S YOUR FARE TO HAMPSTEAD BY THE--AH--NEW LAW?!" =Cabby.= "OH, I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN' 'BOUT NO NEW LAWS, SIR!--SAME OLD FARE, SIR--'LEAVE IT TO YOU,' SIR!" Illustration: "_Le Jeu ne Vaut pas la Chandelle._" =Old Gent= (_having had to pay twice_). "BUT I'M POSITIVE I HANDED YOU THE MONEY! IT MAY PROBABLY HAVE DROPPED DOWN THE SLIT IN THE DOOR!" =Conductor.= "SLIT IN THE DOOR!--WELL, 'TAIN'T LIKELY I'M GOIN' TO TURN THE BUS UPSIDE-DOWN FOR SIXPENCE!" Illustration: "Tho' Lost to Sight----" =Aunt Jemima= (_from the country--her first experience of a "Hansom"_). "HOY! HOY! STOP THE HORSE! WHERE'S THE COACHMAN!" Illustration: Precise. =Driver= (_impatient_). "NOW, BILL, WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT?" =Conductor.= "GE'TLEMAN WANTS TO BE PUT DOWN AT NO. 20 A IN CLARINGDON SQUARE, FUST PORTICO ON THE RIGHT AFTER YOU PASS THE 'RED LION,' PRIVATE ENTRANCE ROUND THE CORNER!" =Driver.= "O, CERTAINLY! ASK THE GE'TLEMAN IF WE SHALL DRIVE UP-STAIRS, AN' SET 'IM DOWN AT 'IS BED-ROOM DOOR IN THE THREE-PAIR BACK?" Illustration: _An Extensive Order._ "O, PLEASE, MISS, WILL YOU GIVE US TWO 'A'PENNIES FOR A PENNY, AND GI' ME A DRINK O' WATER, AN' TELL US THE RIGHT TIME? AN' FATHER WANTS A PIPE; AND LEND MOTHER YESTERDAY'S _'TIZER_."!!! Illustration: "_No such Luck._" =Young Lady.= "IS IT HUNGRY, THEN? COME ALONG, LITTLE DARLING, IT SHALL HAVE ITS DINNER." =Street-Sweeper= (_overhearing, and misapplying_). "HERE Y'ARE, MISS! RIGHT YOU ARE! I JEST AM!" _Ah! but it was Fido she was speaking to!_ Illustration: "_'Tis Better not to Know._" =Impudent Boy= (_generally_). "TRY YER WEIGHT--ONLY A PENNY!" (_To Lady of commanding proportions in particular._) "TELL YER 'XACT WEIGHT TO A HOUNCE, MUM!" Illustration: _Vested Interests._ =Sweeper.= "IF YOU DON'T GET OFF MY CROSSIN', I'LL 'EV YOUR NUMBER!" Illustration: "_Chaff._" =Apple-Stall Keeper= (_to the Boys_). "NOW, THEN, WHAT ARE YOU GAPING AT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?" =Street Boy.= "NOTHIN'." =Apple-Stall Keeper.= "THEN TAKE IT, AND BE OFF!" =Street Boy.= "VERY WELL: WRAP IT UP FOR US IN A PIECE O' PAPER!" _Bolts._ Illustration: "_Is It Possible?!_" =Swell= (_lecturing Juvenile Member of Manufacturing Centre_). "YOU SHOULD ALWAYS--AH--TOUCH YOUR HAT TO A GENTLEMAN----" =Factory Lad.= "PLEASE, SIR, I DIDN'T KNOW AS YER WAS ONE!!" Illustration: A Panic in the Kitchen. =Facetious Page.= "NOW, THEN, HERE'S THE CENSUS, AND MASTER'S ORDERED ME TO FILL IT UP. I'VE PUT DOWN YOUR AGES WITHIN A YEAR OR SO, AND YOU'RE TO 'RETURN' YOUR FOLLERERS, IF ANY, HOW MANY, AND STATE 'P'LICE OR MILITARY,' FEES AND TIPS FROM TRADESMEN AND WISITORS 'PER ANN.,' PRICE O' KITCHEN-STUFF, AVERAGE O' BREAKAGES, &C., &C." Illustration: _Proof Positive._ =Mistress.= "YOUR CHARACTER IS SATISFACTORY, BUT I'M VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT ONE THING: I WISH MY SERVANTS TO HAVE PLENTY, BUT I DON'T ALLOW ANY WASTE." =Page.= "OH, NO, 'M, WHICH I'D EAT AND DRINK TILL I BUSTED, 'M, RATHER THAN WASTE ANYTHINK, 'M!!" Illustration: "_Qualifications._" =Painter= (_who has always been ambitious of "writing himself down an R. A._"). "THINK THEY MIGHT HAVE ELECTED ME, HAVING EXHIBITED AND HAD MY NAME DOWN ALL THESE YEARS! I MIGHT HAVE----" =Friend= (_Man o' the World_). "MY DEAR FELLOW, I'VE ALWAYS TOLD YOU, YOU DON'T GO THE RIGHT WAY TO WORK. YOU SEE THEY COULD ONLY ELECT YOU FOR YOUR PAINTING, FOR----WHY DO YOU WEAR SUCH THICK BOOTS?!!" Illustration: _Temptation._ =Painter.= "YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY YOU WANT ME TO SIGN IT, WHEN I TELL YOU I DID NOT PAINT IT? AND A BEASTLY COPY IT IS, TOO!" =Picture-Dealer.= "VY NOT, GOOT SIR? VY NOT? TUT! TUT! TUT! I ONLY VISH YOU ARTIS'S VOS MEN OF BIS'NESS!" Illustration: "_Spoiling It._" =Lord Dabbley.= "WA-AL, STREAKY, WHY I'VE HEARD--AH--YOU'RE NOT GOING TO--(_yawns_)--HAVE A PICT-YAR AT THE EXHIBITION!" =Streaky, R. A.= "HAW, VERY PROBABLY NOT, M'LORD. WELL, I THINK IT ONLY--AH--GRACEFUL, M'LORD, WE SHOULD OCCASIONALLY FOREGO OUR PRIVILEGED SPACE FOR THE SAKE OF OUR YOUNGER PAINTERS--AH! BESIDES--I QUESTION IF I SHALL BE ABLE TO FINISH MY PUBLIC PORTRAITS IN TIME THIS YE-AR!" Illustration: "_Particular!_" =Young Mumford= (_airily, having learnt that the Lady comes from his part of the country_). "DESSAY YOU KNOW THE CADGEBYS OF BILCHESTER?--AWFULLY JOLLY PEOPLE! I----" =Haughty Beauty.= "OH NO, WE ONLY VISIT THE COUNTY FAMILIES AND WE _WEED_ THEM!!" _Her partner wishes this "First Set" was "The Lancers."_ Illustration: _Vivifying Treatment of a Partner._ (_A Tragedy of the last Harrogate Season._) =Young Lady= (_to Partner, instantly on their taking their Places_). "NOW----I'VE BEEN TO FOUNTAINS ABBEY, AND TO BOLTON, AND I'VE SEEN THE BRIMHAM ROCKS, AND THE DROPPING WELL, AND THE VIEW FROM THE OBSERVATORY, AND WE HAD A MORNING IN YORK MINSTER, AND WE HAVE BEEN HERE A FORTNIGHT, AND WE ARE GOING TO STAY ANOTHER, AND PAPA TAKES THE CHALYBEATE WATERS, AND I AM VERY GLAD THE CAVALRY ARE COMING. NOW YOU MAY BEGIN CONVERSATION." _Utter Collapse of Partner._ Illustration: _Arbiter Elegantiarum._ =Housemaid.= "OH, PLEASE, 'M, COULD I GO OUT THIS EVENING? 'CAUSE COOK NEX' DOOR'S GOT A 'LANG'AGE O' FLOWERS BEE,' AND SHE_'s_ REQUESTED ME TO BE ONE O' THE JUDGES!" Illustration: "_The Servants._" =Cook.= "THEN, SHALL YOU GO AS 'OUSEMAID?" =Young Person.= "NO, INDEED! IF I GO AT ALL, I GO AS LADY 'ELP!" Illustration: "_Hard Lines._" =Mistress= (_to former Cook_). "WELL, ELIZA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?" =Ex-Cook.= "WELL, MUM, AS YOU WOULDN'T GIVE ME NO CHARACTER, I'VE BEEN OBLIGED TO MARRY A SOLDIER!" Illustration: "_Not to Put too Fine a Point on It._" _Transatlantic Party._ "LOOK 'ERE, WAITER! CHANGE THIS KNIFE FOR A PEA-EATER. STRANGER AND ME AIR ON DIFFERENT PLATFORMS, AND I MIGHT HURT HIM." Illustration: "_Never Say 'Die'_" =Nephew.= "SURE IT ISN'T GOUT, UNCLE?" =Uncle.= "GOUT! SHTUFF AN' NONSHENSH! NOT A BIT OF IT! NO, FACT IS--PHEW--(_winces_) THESE CON-FOUNDED BOOTMAKERS--THEY MAKE YOUR BOOTS SO _TIGHT_!!" Illustration: _"Ingenuas Didicisse" &c._ =Urbane Foreigner.= "THE--AH--CONTEMPLATION OF THESE--AH--RELICS OF ANCIENT ART IN THE GALLERIES OF EUROPE, MUST BE MOST INT'R'STING TO THE--AH--EDUCATED AMERICAN!" =American Tourist.= "WA'AL, DON'T SEEM TO CARE MUCH FOR THESE _STONE GALS_ SOMEHOW, STRANGER!" Illustration: A Plutocrat. =Swell.= "'D YOU OBLIGE ME--AH--BY SHUTTING YOUR WINDOW?--AH----" =Second Passenger= (_politely_). "REALLY, SIR, IF YOU WILL NOT PRESS IT, AS YOURS IS SHUT, THE AIR IS SO WARM I WOULD RATHER KEEP THIS OPEN. YOU SEEM TO TAKE GREAT CARE OF YOURSELF, SIR----" =Swell.= "CARE OF MYSELF! SHOULD WATHER THINK SO. SO WOULD YOU, MY DEAR FEL-LAH, IF YOU'D SIX THOUSAND A YE-AR!!" Illustration: "Matter!" =Portly Old Swell= (_on reading Professor Tyndall's Speech_). "DEAR ME! IS IT POSS'BLE! MOST 'XTR'ORD'NARY!--(_throws down the Review_)--THAT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ORIGINALLY A 'PRIMORDIAL ATOMIC GLOBULE'!!" Illustration: A Final Appeal. "NOW, GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY, I THROW MYSELF UPON YOUR IMPARTIAL JUDGEMENT AS HUSBANDS AND FATHERS, AND I CONFIDENTLY ASK, DOES THE PRISONER LOOK LIKE A MAN WHO WOULD KNOCK DOWN AND TRAMPLE UPON THE WIFE OF HIS BOSOM? GENTLEMEN, I HAVE DONE!" Illustration: _Division of Labor._ =Facetious Volunteer Sub.= "LOOK HERE, CAPTAIN; I'M TIRED OF THIS FUN. DO YOU MIND LOOKING AFTER THE MEN WHILE I GO AND GET TAKEN PRISONER?" Illustration: "_Off._" =Sergeant O'Leary.= "DOUBLE! LEFT! RIGHT! WHAT THE BLAZES, PAT ROONEY, D'YE MANE BY NOT DOUBLIN' WID THE SQUAD!?" =Pat.= "SHURE, SERGEANT, 'TWASN'T A FAIR START!" Illustration: _"Where Ignorance is Bliss" &c._ =Frugal Housewife= (_has a large Family_). "OH, MR. STICKINGS, I SEE BY THE DAILY PAPERS THAT THE PRICE OF MEAT HAS FALLEN TWOPENCE A POUND. I THINK YOU OUGHT TO MAKE SOME REDUCTION IN YOUR CHARGES!" =Country Butcher.= "WERRY SORRY, MUM, BUT WE DON'T TAKE IN NO DAILY PAPERS, MUM!!" Illustration: _Complimentary._ =Collier= (_about the Dog_). "YES, SIR, AW GOT HIM IN MANCHESTER, YONDER, AN' DOCTOR AW'S GOING T' AX YE, HEY Y' ONY OBJECTION TIN US NAMIN' HIM EFTHER YE?!" =Young Medical Man= (_rather pleased_). "OH, DEAR NO, BY ALL MEANS--'DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE COMPLIMENT, THOUGH, HE'S NOT A BEAUTY TO LOOK AT!" =Collier.= "MEBBEES NOT, DOCTOR; BUT--SMASH!--MUN, HE'S A BEGGAR TO KILL!!" Illustration: "(_Not_) _Thankful for Small Mercies_" =Cat's-Meat Man.= "WHAT 'A YER GOT FOR DINNER TO-DAY, JOE?" =Crossing-Sweeper.= "OH, A BIT O' ROAST WEAL, SENT ME UP FROM NO. 6 IN THE CRESCENT 'ERE--AN' YER WOULDN'T B'LLEVE IT!--NOT A MOSSEL O' STUFFIN--AH, AN' NOT SO MUCH AS A SLICE O' LEMON!--AND (_with a sneer_) CALLS THEIRSELVES RESPECT'BLE PEOPLE, I'VE NO DOUBT!!" Illustration: _Delicacy._ =Edwin= (_as the Servant is present_). "AH--J'ETTAY SEE--AH--DISAPPOINTAY DE NE PAS VOO VWORE A LA RINK CE MATTANG--POORQWAW ESKER----?" =Angelina.= "AH WEE, MAIS MOMMONG----" =Parlour-Maid.= "HEM! BEG YOUR PARDON, MISS; BUT I UNDERSTAND THE LANGVIDGE!!" Illustration: "The Servants." =Mistress.= "JANE, TELL COOK I'LL COME DOWN AND SEE WHAT SHE WANTS DONE TO THAT STOVE, AS THE BUILDER'S COMING TO-MORROW." =Jane.= "O, PLEASE, 'UM, I DON'T THINK WE CAN AST YOU INTO THE KITCHING TO DAY, MUM, AS COOK AND ME'S GOT A SMALL AND EARLY 'AT OME' THIS AFTERNOON, MUM!" Illustration: Retributive Justice. =Farmer= (_giving the Culprit a Box o' the Ear_). "HOW DARE YOU BEAT THOSE GOSLINS, YOU YOUNG RASCAL? I SAW YOU!" =Boy.= "BOO, OO, OO, WHAT FURR'D THEY GORS-CHICKS FEYTHER BOITE OI THEN FURR?!" Illustration: "By the Card." =Pedestrian.= "HOW FAR IS IT TO SLUDGECOMBE, BOY?" =Boy.= "WHY 'BOUT TWENTY 'UNDERD THEAUSAN' MILD 'F Y' GOO 'S Y'ARE AGOOIN' NOW, AN' 'BOUT HALF A MILD 'F YOU TURN RIGHT REAOUND AN' GOO T' OTHER WAY!!" Illustration: _In Jeopardy._ THE NEW BOY WAS ENJOINED TO BE VERY CAREFUL HOW HE CARRIED THE FIDDLE-CASE--"BY THE HANDLE, AND TO MIND NOT TO KNOCK IT AGAINST ANYTHING!" IMAGINE THE HORROR OF MR. PITSEY CARTER, HIS MASTER, WHO WAS FOLLOWING, TO COME UPON THE RASCAL, WITH THE INVALUABLE "JOSEPH" ON HIS HEAD, EXECUTING A PAS-SEUL OVER A SKIPPING-ROPE!! Illustration: Heresy. =Mamma.= "YOU KNOW WHO BUILT THE ARK, GEORGE?" =George= (_promptly_). "NOAH, 'MA." =Mamma.= "AND WHAT DID HE BUILD IT FOR?" =George= (_dubiously_). "FOR LITTLE BOYS TO PLAY WITH, 'MA?!" Illustration: "Oh, the Mistletoe Bough!" =Greengrocer, Jun.= (_to whom our Little Friend in Velvet had applied for a piece of Mistletoe for his own private diversion_). "I'VE GOT YER A BIT, MASTER GEORGE. IT AIN'T A VERY BIG PIECE, BUT THERE'S LOTS O' BERRIES ON IT; _AN' IT'S THE BERRIES AS DOES IT_"!!! Illustration: Culture for the Working Classes. =Philanthropic Employer= (_who has paid his Workpeople's expenses to a neighbouring Fine-Art Exhibition_). "WELL, JOHNSON, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF IT? 'PICK UP AN IDEA OR TWO?" =Foreman.= "WELL, YER SEE, SIR, IT WERE A THIS WAY. WHEN US GOT THERE, WE WAS A CONSIDERIN' WHAT WAS BEST TO BE DONE, SO WE APP'INTED A DEPPERTATION O' THREE ON US TO SEE WHAT IT WERE LIKE; AN' WHEN THEY COME OUT AN' SAID IT WERE ONLY PICTURS AN' SUCH, WE THOUGHT IT A PITY TO SPEND OUR SHILLINS ON 'EM. SO WE WENT TO THE TEA-GARDENS, AND WERY PLEASANT IT WERE, TOO. THANK YER KINDLY, SIR!" Illustration: A Casual Acquaintance. =West-End Man= (_addressing, as he supposes, Intelligent Mechanic_). "CAN YOU DIRECT ME TO THE MOORGATE STREET STATION?" =Seedy Party.= "MO'RGATE STREET STATION, SIR? STRAIGHT ON, SIR, FUST TURNIN' T' THE RIGHT, AND IT'S JUST OPPOSYTE. AND NOW, YOU'VE INTERDOOCED THE SUBJECT, SIR, IF YOU COULD ASSIST ME WITH A TRIFLE, SIR, WHICH I'VE 'AD NOTHIN' TO EAT SINCE LAST FRIDAY----" _West-End Man not having an answer ready, forks out, and exit._ Illustration: "Circumlocutory!" =Polite Coster= (_seeing Smoke issuing from Brown's coat-pocket_). "YOU'LL EXCUSE ME ADDRESSIN' O' YOU, SIR,--COMMON MAN IN A MANNER O' SPEAKIN'--GEN'LEMAN LIKE YOU, SIR--BEGGIN' PARDON FOR TAKIN' THE LIBERTY, WHICH I SHOULD NEVER A' THOUGHT O' DOIN' UNDER ORDINARY SUCCUMSTANCES, SIR, ON'Y YOU DIDN'T SEEM TO BE AWARE ON IT, BUT IT STRUCK ME AS I SEE YOU A GOIN' ALONG, AS YOU WERE A-FIRE, SIR!" _By this time Brown's right coat-tail was entirely consumed. His fuzees had ignited by private arrangement among themselves._ Illustration: _Alarming._ =Buttons= (_as he burst into his Master's room on the night of Wednesday, the 7th: he had just seen that wonderful shooting star_). "OH, PLEASE, SIR, THEM METEORS IS A GOIN' OFF AG'IN!!" =Scientific Old Gent= (_startled out of his first sleep, and misunderstanding the intelligence_). "OH!--EH!--WHAT!--TURN IT OFF AT THE _MAIN_!!" Illustration: _Weights and Measures._ =Valetudinarian= (_in the course of Conversation with intelligent Passenger, whom he takes to be a Dignitary of the Church_). "NOW, WHAT SHOULD YOU THINK WAS MY WEIGHT?" =Gentleman in Black.= "WELL, SIR--LET ME SEE--YOU STAND ABOUT FIVE FEET ELEVEN, THIRTY INCHES ACROSS CHEST, AND WE'LL SAY ELEVEN INCHES DEEP--WELL, I SHOULD SAY, SPEAKING AT RANDOM, YOU WOULD 'LIFT' AT ABOUT ELEVEN STUN' AND THREE QUARTERS!" _Horror of Invalid--his fellow-passenger was an UNDERTAKER!_ Illustration: "_Small Mercies._" =First Jolly Angler= (_with empty Creel_). "WELL, WE'VE HAD A VERY PLEASANT DAY! WHAT A DELIGHTFUL PURSUIT IT IS!" =Second Ditto= (_with ditto_). "GLORIOUS! I SHAN'T FORGET THAT NIBBLE WE HAD JUST AFTER LUNCH, AS LONG AS I LIVE!" =Both.= "AH!!" Illustration: Tyranny. =First Rough.= "WE'RE A GOIN' TO BE EDGICATED NOW, C'MPULSORY, OR ELSE GO TO THE TREADMILL!" =Second Rough.= "AH! NO VUNDER SO MANY POOR PEOPLE'S A EMIGRATIN'!" Illustration: A Perfect Cure. =Town Man.= "HOW JOLLY IT MUST BE, LIVING DOWN HERE IN THE COUNTRY!" =Country Gentleman.= "OH, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S RATHER TORPID SORT OF LIFE; TIME PASSES VERY SLOWLY." =Town Man.= "TIME PASSES SLOWLY? YOU SHOULD GET SOMEBODY TO DRAW ON YOU AT THREE MONTHS!!" Illustration: In Consequence of the Tailors' Strike. GEORGE AND THE GOVERNOR HAVE THEIR CLOTHES MADE AT HOME. =George.= "ARE YOU SURE YOU TOOK MY RIGHT MEASURE, CHARLOTTE?" =Charlotte.= "OH, GEORGE, I'M SURE IT FITS BEAUTIFULLY!!" Illustration: "As Well as Can be Expected." =Horsey Parish Doctor= (_late for the Meet_). "WELL, MOTHER, AND HOW'S YOUR DAUGHTER, AND THE BABBY--POORLY, EH? AH, WELL, GIVE HIM A PINCH O' BRIMSTONE IN HIS PAP, AND I'LL LOOK IN TO-MORROW." Illustration: Penny Wise. =National Schoolmaster= (_going round with Government Inspector_). "WILKINS, HOW DO YOU BRING SHILLINGS INTO PENCE?" =Pupil.= "PLEASE, SIR, 'TAKES IT ROUND TO THE PUBLIC-'OUSE, SIR!!" Illustration: Reminiscences. =Governess.= "SHOW MR. SMITHERS YOUR NEW DOLL, ADA." =Old Rustic.= "AH--LOR'--DEARY ME, MUM, IF IT AIN'T THE VERY MODAL OF MY OLD WOMAN WHEN SHE WAS IN HER PRIME!!" Illustration: "Hoist with His Own 'Pomade'!" =Customer= (_worried into it_). "WELL, I DON'T MIND TAKING A SMALL BOTTLE----" =Barber.= "BETTER 'AVE A TWO SHILLIN' ONE, SIR; IT 'OLDS FOUR TIMES AS MUCH AS THE OTHER----" =Customer= (_turning upon him_). "O, THEN IF I TAKE THIS SHILLING BOTTLE, I SHALL BE DONE OUT OF HALF MY MONEY'S WORTH! THEN I WON'T HAVE ANY!" _Escapes in triumph!_ Illustration: Distracting. =Customer.= "WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE BISHOP'S SERMON ON SUNDAY, MR. WIGSBY?" =Hairdresser.= "WELL, REALLY, SIR, THERE WAS A GENT A-SETTIN' IN FRONT O' ME AS 'AD HIS 'AIR PARTED THAT CROOKED I COULDN'T 'EAR A WORD!" Illustration: A Compliment. =Hairdresser.= "ANY OFF THE BEARD, SIR?" =Customer.= "NO, THANK YOU. I'VE LATELY TRIMMED IT MYSELF." =Hairdresser.= "INDEED, SIR! I SHOULD NOT HAVE THOUGHT ANY GENTLEMAN OUT OF THE PROFESSION COULD HAVE DONE IT SO WELL!!" Illustration: XXX Cellent Reasons. =Free and Independent= (_to wavering_) =Elector=. "YOU DON'T ADMIRE HIS POLITICS? POLITICS BE BLOWED! LOOK AT HIS PRINCIPLES! THAT MAN ALLUS BREWS FIVE-AND-TWENTY BUSHELS TO THE HOGSHEAD!" Illustration: Sympathy. =Giles= (_ruefully_). "VILLIAM, I'VE BEEN AN' GONE AN' 'LISTED!" =William.= "LOR'! 'AVE YER, THOUGH? GOT THE SHILLIN'?" =Giles.= "YES." =William.= "WELL, THEN, LET'S GO AN' 'AVE A GLASS AT THE 'BARLEY-MOW.' DON'T LET'S BE DOWN'EARTED!" Illustration: Liberal to a Fault. =the missus= (_affably_). "MY 'USBAN'S OUT JUST NOW, SIR. CAN I GIVE HIM ANY MESSAGE?" =liberal candidate.= "AH--I HAVE CALLED WITH THE HOPE THAT--AH--HE'D PROMISE ME HIS VOTE AT THE APPROACH----" =the missus.= "OH, YES, SIR. YOU'RE CAP'M BILKE, THE 'YALLOW,' I S'POSE, SIR! YES, I'M SURE HE'LL BE MOST 'APPY, SIR!" =the captain= (_delighted_). "YA-AS--I SHALL BE MUCH OBLIGED TO HIM--AND--AH--HE MAY DEPEND UPON MY----" =the missus.= "YES, I'M SURE HE'D PROMISE YOU IF HE WAS AT HOME, SIR; 'CAUSE WHEN THE TWO 'BLUE' GENTS CALLED AND AS'ED HIM THE OTHER DAY, SIR, HE PROMISED 'EM D'REC'LY, SIR!!" Illustration: Civil Service Miseries. =Mamma= (_who has been Shopping at the Co-Operative_). "GOOD GRACIOUS, DEARS, WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH THESE PARCELS?" =Youngest Daughter.= "OH, PA' CAN TAKE THE LARGE ONE, MA', AND HE MIGHT CARRY SOME OF THE SMALL ONES IN HIS POCKETS!!" _Pa', who has been waiting outside, feels he's in for it._ Illustration: "Men were Deceivers Ever." =Swell= (_at the Civil Service Co-Operative Store_). "HAW! I WANT TWO OR THWEE POUNDS--BACON--AND--AW--'BLIGE ME BY DOING IT UP LIKE BOX--GLOVES OR FLOWERS, OR SOMETHING O' THAT SORT!!" Illustration: A Sinister Slip. =Smith.= "HULLO, BROWN! 'BEEN FOR YOUR ANNUAL COLLIS----I MEAN YOUR ANNUAL EXCURSION, YET?" _Brown was highly nervous, and this malign suggestion quite upset him. He spent his holiday at home!_ Illustration: Force of Habit. =City Merchant= (_blissfully dozing in his Country Church_). "SEASON TICKET!!" Illustration: "_Alma Mater._" _Young Puncheonby "cuts" the Army, and goes to Oxford to read for "the Church."_ =Tutor.= "YOU ARE PREPARED IN SUBSCRIBE TO THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES----" =Puncheonby= (_with alacrity_). "AH 'TH PLEASH 'AH,--AH--HOW MU-CH--." Illustration: _Embarrassing._ =Nervous Spinster= (_to wary Old Bachelor_). "OH, MR. MARIGOLD, I'M SO FRIGHTENED! MAY I TAKE HOLD OF YOUR HAND WHILE WE'RE GOING THROUGH THIS TUNNEL?" Illustration: A Straightforward View. =High Church Curate.= "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK, MR. SIMPSON, ABOUT A CLERGYMAN'S TURNING TO THE EAST?" =Literal Churchwarden.= "WELL, SIR, MY OPINION IS, THAT IF THE CLERGY MAN IS GOODLOOKIN', HE DON'T WANT TO TURN HIS BACK TO THE CONGREGATION!" Illustration: "The Better the Day." &c. =Rustic= (_to Curate who dabbles in Photography_). "I'D BE TURR'BLE MUCH OBLIGED, ZUR, IF YOU'D MAP OFF MY PICTUR', ZUR!" =Curate.= "WELL, MY MAN, I'LL TAKE YOUR LIKENESS FOR YOU. WHEN WILL YOU COME?" =Rustic.= "WELL, ZUR, IF YOU'VE NO 'BJECTIONS, I BE MOASTLY CLEANED UP AND HAS MOAST TIME O' ZUNDAY MARNINS, ZUR!!" Illustration: A Distinction. =The "Good Parson"= (_to Applicant for Instruction in the Night School_). "HAVE YOU BEEN CONFIRMED, MY BOY?" =Boy= (_hesitating_). "PLEASE, SIR--I--DON'T KNOW----" =Parson.= "YOU UNDERSTAND ME; HAS THE BISHOP LAID HIS HANDS ON YOU?" =Boy.= "OH, NO, SIR; BUT HIS KEEPER HAVE, SIR--VERY OFTEN, SIR!!" Illustration: Considerate. =Churchwarden.= "TELL YE WHAT 'TIS, SIR. THE CONGREGATION DO WISH YOU WOULDN'T PUT THAT 'ERE CURATE UP IN PULPIT--NOBODY CAN'T HEAR UN." =Old Sporting Rector.= "WELL, BLUNT, THE FACT IS, TWEEDLER'S SUCH A GOOD FELLOW FOR PARISH WORK, I'M OBLIGED TO GIVE HIM _A MOUNT_ SOMETIMES." Illustration: Rustic Recollections. =Boy.= "PLEASE, PA-ARSON, MOTHER WANTS SOME SOUP." =The Rector.= "BUT I TOLD YOUR MOTHER SHE MUST SEND SOMETHING TO PUT IT IN." =Boy.= "OH, PLEASE, SHE'VE SENT THIS YEAR PA-AIL VOR 'UN, PA-ARSON!!" Illustration: _Not a "Silver Lining" to a Cloud._ =Adolphus= (_grandly; he is giving his future brother-in-law a little dinner down the river_). "WAITAR, YOU CAN--AH--LEAVE US!" =Old Waiter.= "HEM!--YESSIR--BUT--YOU'LL PARD'N ME, SIR--WE'VE SO MANY GENTS--'DON'T WISH TO IMPUTE NOTHINK, SIR--BUT MASTER--'FACT IS, SIR--(_evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it_)--WE'RE--YOU SEE, SIR--_'SPONSIBLE FOR THE PLATE, SIR!!!_" Illustration: "_What's in a Name?_" =Waiter= (_to nervous invalid_). "THERE'S THE OLD CHURCH, SIR, CLOSE BY, BUT SOME VISITORS GOES TO ST. WOBBLEOE'S, SIR. THERE THE CLERGYMAN PREACHES _DISTEMPERY_!!" _Clearly not the place for him, the old gentleman thinks, with a shudder._ Illustration: _A New Dish._ =Sympathising Swell= (_waiting for some chicken_). "YOU'VE GOT NO SINECURE THERE, THOMAS!" =Perspiring Footman.= "VERY SORRY, SIR--JUST 'ELPED THE LAST OF IT AWAY, SIR!" Illustration: Our Artist IS NOT IN THE BEST OF TEMPERS. HE HAS BEEN DISTURBED OFTEN BY BARGES, AND BOTHERED BY THE BLUEBOTTLES, AND THEN HE'S ACCOSTED BY WHAT APPEARS TO HIM IN THIS IRRITABLE MOOD TO BE AN =Art-Critic= (_loq._) "THE PICTURE LOOKS BETTER A GOODISH BIT OFF, GOV'NOUR!" =Artist= (_maddened_). "CON--FOUND----SO DO YOU, SIR!" _Party makes off hastily, "not liking the looks of him."_ Illustration: Hunting Idiot, RETURNING FROM THE CHASE, PROPOSES TO "CHAFF THAT ARTIST FELLER." =Huntsman.= "WHAT'LL YER TAKE ME FOR, GOV'NOUR?" =Painter= (_without the slightest hesitation_). A _SNOB_! Illustration: Boxing-Day. (_Mrs. Bustleton's favourite Cabman has called for his usual Christmas-Box in a state of----never mind._) =Mrs. B.= "OH, SAWYER, I'M SURPRISED--I THOUGHT YOU SUCH A STEADY MAN! I'M SORRY TO SEE YOU GIVEN TO DRINK!" =Sawyer.= "BEG Y' PAR'N MUM, NO S'H 'HING MUM (_hic_). DRINK 'ASH GI'N T' ME, MUM, 'SH MORN'N, MUM!!" Illustration: An Old Offender. =Country Gentleman= (_eyeing his Gardener suspiciously_). "DEAR, DEAR MR. JEFFRIES, THIS IS TOO BAD! AFTER WHAT I SAID TO YOU YESTERDAY, I DIDN'T THINK TO FIND YOU----" =Gardener.= "YOU CAN'T SHAY--(_hic_)--I WASH DRUNK YESHT'DAY, SH----!" =Country Gentleman= (_sternly_). "ARE YOU SOBER THIS MORNING, SIR?" =Gardener.= "I'M--SHLIGHTLY SHOBER, SHIR!!" Illustration: Irrevocable. =Customer= (_for the Royal Wedding photograph_). "CAN'T I HAVE THE LADY ONLY? I DON'T SO MUCH WANT THE GENTLEMAN!!" =Young Person= (_with decision_). "NO, SIR; WE CAN'T PART THEM, SIR, _NOW_!" Illustration: Mrs. Jingleton. Learning that Young M Skirlygy (FROM WHOSE FAMILY SHE RECEIVED SUCH POLITENESS WHEN SHE WAS IN THE HIGHLANDS) WAS IN TOWN, AND HAVING HEARD SO MUCH OF HIS PLAYING, ASKS HIM TO ONE OF HER LITTLE PARTIES FOR CLASSICAL MUSIC, AND HOPES HE WILL 'OBLIGE' DURING THE EVENING.--HA! HA! SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HIS INSTRUMENT WAS! Illustration: Arcadian Amenities. =Little Rustic= (_after a "game" struggle, evidently overweighted_). "OH, PLEASE, HELP US ALONG 'ITH THIS LINEN UP TO MOTHER'S----" =Amiable Swell= (_aghast_). "EH! OH, RIDICULOUS--HOW CAN I?--LOOK HERE, I'VE GOT A BAG--HEAVY BAG--TO CARRY MYSELF----" =Little Rustic.= "I'LL CARRY YOUR BAG, SIR." =Swell.= "EH--BUT (_to gain time_) WH--WHAT'S YOUR MOTHER'S ABSURD NAME?" _This did not help him much. There was no escape; and ultimately----but we draw a veil over the humiliating sequel._ Illustration: A Big Fish. =Artful Damsel= (_who has made a successful throw_). "O, LORD FEUBIGGIN, HOWEVER SHALL I MANAGE----." =Lord Feubiggin= (_caught, two_). "PRAY LET ME SHOW YOU! ALL DEPENDS ON HOW YOU PLAY YOUR FISH!" _We betray confidence for once. This Picture comes from a Letter sent by a newly-married Lady (now of title), to a particular Friend of hers, and is called a "Reminiscence of Scotland." Perhaps our Readers can guess at the Story--we cannot._ Illustration: The Pic-Nic. =Playful Widow.= "JUMP ME DOWN, MR. FIGGINS!!" _The gallant little Man did his best, but fell--in her estimation for ever!_ Illustration: Artful--Very! =Mary.= "DON'T KEEP A SCREOUGIN' O' ME, JOHN!" =John.= "WH'OI BEAN'T A SCREOUGIN' ON YER!" =Mary= (_ingenuously_). "WELL, Y' CAN I' Y' LIKE, JOHN!" Illustration: "_The Grey Mare!_" =Mrs. B.= (_taking the reins_). "NO, BROWN, I WILL NOT HAVE THE PONY BACKED! NO! THAT PERSON MUST HAVE SEEN US COME INTO THE LANE FIRST; AND IF THE MAN'S GOT COMMON POLITENESS----" =Mr. B.= "BUT, MY DEAR, WE'VE ONLY JUST TURNED THE----" =Mrs. B.= "I DON'T CARE, BROWN! NO! I WON'T GO BACK, IF I STAY HERE TILL----" =Farmer.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR!--I'LL BACK, SIR. I'VE GOT JUST SUCH ANOTHER _VIXEN_ AT HOME, SIR!" Illustration: _How We Arrange Our Little Dinners._ =Mistress.= "OH, COOK, WE SHALL WANT DINNER FOR FOUR THIS EVENING. WHAT DO YOU THINK, BESIDES THE JOINT, OF OX-TAIL SOUP, LOBSTER PATES, AND AN ENTREE--SAY, BEEF?" =Cook.= "YES, 'M--FRESH, OR AUSTR----?" =Mistress.= "LET'S SEE! IT'S ONLY THE BROWNS--TINNED WILL DO!" Illustration: _Conclusive._ =Lodger.= "I DETECT RATHER A DISAGREEABLE SMELL IN THE HOUSE, MRS. JONES. ARE YOU SURE THE DRAINS----" =Welsh Landlady.= "OH, IT CAN'T BE THE DRAINS, SIR, WHATEVER. THERE ARE NONE, SIR!!" Illustration: _Our Manoeuvres._ =Captain of Skirmishers= (_rushing in to seize Picket Sentries of the Enemy_). "HULLO! HE-AR! YOU SURRENDER TO THIS COMPANY!" =Opposition Lance-Corporal.= "BEG PARDON, SIR! IT'S THE OTHER WAY, SIR. WE'RE A BRIGADE, SIR!!!" Illustration: "Our Reserves,"--The Battle of Amesbury. =Aide-de-Camp.= "GOOD GRACIOUS, SIR! WHY DON'T YOU ORDER YOUR MEN TO LIE DOWN UNDER THIS HILL? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT BATTERY PLAYING RIGHT ON THEM?" =Colonel of Volunteers.= "SO I DID, SIR. BUT THEY WON'T LIE DOWN. THEY SAY THEY WANT TO SEE THE REVIEW!!" Illustration: A Little Failing. =Nervous Old Lady.= "NOW, CABMAN, YOU'RE SURE YOUR HORSE IS QUIET? WHAT'S HE LAYING BACK HIS EARS LIKE THAT FOR? LOOK!" =Cabby.= "O THAT'S ONLY HER FEMI-NINE CUR'OSITY, MUM. SHE LIKES TO HEAR WHERE SHE'S A GOIN' TO!" Illustration: The Connoisseurs. =Groom.= "WHEW'S BEER DO YOU LIKE BEST--THIS 'ERE HOM'BREWED O' FISK'S, OR THAT THERE ALE THEY GIVES YER AT THE WHITE HO'S?" =Keeper= (_critically_). "WELL, O' THE TEW I PREFERS THIS 'ERE. THAT THERE O' WUM'OOD'S DON'T FARE TO ME TO TASTE O' NAWTHUN AT ALL. NOW THIS 'ERE DEW TASTE O' THE CASK!!" Illustration: "Io Bacche!" =Jeames.= "MORNIN', MR. JARVICE. WHAT'S THE NEWS?" =Mr. J.= (_the old Coachman_). "WELL, I'VE 'EARD THE BEST BIT O' NEWS THIS MORNING AS I'VE 'EARD FOR MANY A DAY, FROM OUR BUTLER. HE TELL ME THE WIN'YARDS IS 'A COMIN' ROUND,' AND THERE'S EVERY PROSPEC' OF OUR GETTIN' SOME MORE GOOD MADEIRY!!" Illustration: A Veteran. =Civil Service Captain.= "WILL--HE--AH--STAND POW-DAR?" =Dealer.= "'POWDER?' WHY HE WAS ALL THROUGH THE BATTLE O' WATERLOO THAT CHARGER WAS!!" Illustration: "What's the Odds?" =Purchaser.= "HE'S RATHER HEAVY ABOUT THE HEAD, ISN'T HE?" =Dealer= (_can't deny it_). "WELL, SIR! (_Happy thought._) BUT Y'SEE, SIR, HE'LL HEV TO CARRY IT HISSELF!" Illustration: _"There's Many a Slip" &c._ WAGGLES SAW A SPLENDID THREE-POUND TROUT FEEDING IN A QUIET PLACE ON THE THAMES ONE EVENING LAST WEEK. DOWN HE COMES THE NEXT NIGHT, MAKING SURE OF HIM! BUT SOME OTHER PEOPLE HAD SEEN HIM TOO!!! Illustration: _Lingua "East Anglia."_ =First Angler= (_to Country Boy_). "I SAY, MY LAD, JUST GO TO MY FRIEND ON THE BRIDGE THERE, AND SAY I SHOULD BE MUCH OBLIGED TO HIM IF HE'D SEND ME SOME BAIT." =Country Boy= (_to Second Angler, in the Eastern Counties language_). "THA' THERE BO' SAHY HE WANT A WURRUM!!" Illustration: _A Luxurious Habit._ =Philanthropist= (_to Railway Porter_). "THEN WHAT TIME DO YOU GET TO BED?" =Porter.= "WELL, I SELDOM WHAT YER MAY CALL GETS TO BED MYSELF, 'CAUSE O' THE NIGHT TRAINS. BUT MY BROTHER, AS USED TO WORK THE P'INTS FURTHER DOWN THE LINE, WENT TO BED LAST CHRISTMAS AFTER THE ACCIDENT, AND NEVER----" _Train rushes in, and the Parties rush off._ Illustration: _The Golden Age Restored._ =Young Lady= (_Through Passenger, at West Riding Station_). "WHAT'S GOING ON HERE TO-DAY, PORTER? HAS THERE BEEN A FETE?" =Porter= (_astonished_). "BLESS THEE, LASS! THERE'S NEA FEIGHTIN' NOO-A-DAYS; 'T'S AGIN T' LA-AW!--NOBBUT A FLOOER-SHOW!" Illustration: "No Accounting for Taste." =Materfamilias= (_just arrived at Shrimpville--the Children had been down a Month before_). "WELL, JANE, HAVE YOU FOUND IT DULL?" =Nurse.= "IT WAS AT FUST, M'M. THERE WAS NOTHINK TO IMPROVE THE MIND, M'M, TILL THE NIGGERS COME DOWN!!" Illustration: Sold Cheap. =Little Brown= (_to "Nigger Minstrel," who always addresses his listeners as "My Lord"_). "AH, HOW DID YOU KNOW MY----AH--HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS A LORD?" _Sensation among the bystanders!_ =Minstrel.= "BLESS YER, MY LORD, I NEVER LOSE SIGHT O' MY SCHOOLFELLERS!" _Roars of laughter. Little B. caves in, and bolts!_ Illustration: Selling Him a Pennyworth. =Philanthropist.= "THERE'S A PENNY FOR YOU, MY LAD. WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH IT?" =Sweeper.= "WHAT ALL THIS AT ONCE! I'LL TOSS YER FOR IT, DOUBLE OR QUITS!" Illustration: A Change for the Better. =Greengrocer.= "WANT A PENN'ORTH O' COALS, DO YER? YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO 'AVE A PENN'ORTH MUCH LONGER. THEY'RE A GOING UP. COALS IS COALS NOW, I CAN TELL YER!" =Boy.= "AH, WELL, MOTHER'LL BE GLAD O' THAT, 'CAUSE SHE SAYS THE LAST COALS SHE HAD O' YOU WAS ALL SLATES!!" Illustration: _Colloquial Equivalents._ =Papa.= "NOW, MY DEAR GIRLS, YOUR BROTHER IS RECEIVING A MOST EXPENSIVE EDUCATION, AND I THINK THAT WHILE HE IS AT HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS YOU SHOULD TRY TO LEARN SOMETHING FROM HIM." =Emily.= "SO WE DO, 'PA. WE'VE LEARNT THAT A BOY WHO CRIES IS A 'BLUB,' THAT A BOY WHO WORKS HARD IS A 'SWOT'"---- =Flora.= "YES, AND THAT ANYBODY YOU DON'T LIKE IS A 'CAD;' AND WE KNOW THE MEANING OF 'GRUB,' 'PROG,' AND A 'WAX'" Illustration: "The Meat Supply." =Bathing-Man.= "YES, MUM, HE'S A GOOD OLD 'ORSE YET. AND HE'S BEEN IN THE SALT WATER SO LONG, HE'LL MAKE CAPITAL BILED BEEF WHEN WE'RE DONE WITH HIM!!!" Illustration: "_Tracts._" =First Navvy.= "T' NEW MISSION-ARY GAVE ME THIS 'ERE TRACK JUST NOW, BILL." =Second Navvy.= "AIN'T SEEN HIM. WHAT LOIKE IS HE?" =First Navvy.= "LITTLE CHAP--PREACHES ABOUT EIGHT STUN TEN, I SHOULD GUESS!" Illustration: "_A Ticket of Leave_." =Swell= (_who won't be done_). "H'YARS MY KYARD IF YOU'D--AH--LIKE TO SUMMON ME." =Cabby= (_who has pulled up and heard the dispute_). "DON'T YOU TAKE IT, BILL. IT'S HIS TICKET O' LEAVE!" Illustration: A Pleasant Prospect. =Traveller= (_in Ireland_). "HI,--PULL HER UP, MAN! DON'T YOU SEE THE MARE IS RUNNING AWAY?" =Paddy.= "HOULD TIGHT, YER 'ONOR! FOR YER LIFE DON'T TOUCH THE REINS!--SURE THEY'RE AS ROTTEN AS PEARS! I'LL TURN HER INTO THE RIVER AT THE BRIDGE BELOW HERE. SURE THAT'LL STOP HER, THE BLAGYARD!" Illustration: Reassuring. =Traveller in Ireland= (_rheumatic, and very particular_). "NOW, I HOPE THE SHEETS ARE CLEAN!" =Kathleen= (_the Chambermaid_). "CLANE, SOR? SHURE THEY'RE JUST _DAMP_ FROM THE MANGLE, SOR!!" Illustration: _Woman's Rights._ =Scotch Lady= (_who has taken a House in the Highlands, her Servants suddenly giving "warning"_). "WHAT'S THE REASON OF THIS? HAVE YOU NOT ALL YOU WANT?--GOOD ROOMS, AND GOOD FRESH AIR AND FOOD, AND EASY WORK?" =Spokeswoman.= "YES, MEM--BUT--BUT THERE'S NO A DECENT LAAD WITHIN CRY O' US!" Illustration: "_Canny._" =Sportsman.= "THAT'S A TOUGH OLD FELLOW, JEMMY?" =Keeper.= "AY, SIR, A GRAND BIRD TO SEND TO YOUR FREENS!" Illustration: _Stern Pulpit Critics._ =First Scot.= "FAT SORT O' MINISTER HAE YE GOTTEN, GEORDIE?" =Second Ditto.= "OH, WEEL, HE'S NO MUCKLE WORTH. WE SELDOM GET A GLINT O' HIM. SAX DAYS O' TH' WEEK HE'S ENVEES'BLE, AND ON THE SEVENTH HE'S ENCOMPREHENS'BLE!!" Illustration: The Commissariat. =Squire= (_to new Butler_). "I HAVE THREE OR FOUR CLERGYMEN COMING TO DINE WITH ME TO-MORROW, PRODGERS, AND----" =Mr. Prodgers.= "'IGH OR LOW, SIR?" =Squire.= "WELL--I HARDLY----BUT WHY DO YOU ASK, PRODGERS?" =Mr. Prodgers.= "WELL, YOU SEE, SIR, THE 'IGH' DRINKS MOST WINE, AND THE 'LOW' EATS MOST VITTLES, AND I MUST PERWIDE ACCORDIN!!" Illustration: Duty and Pleasure. =Rural Butler= (_deferentially_). "AND WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR COUNTRY QUALITY DOWN HERE, SIR?" =Town Gentleman= (_"in waiting" to Lord Marybone, who was visiting the Squire_). "WELL, 'F COURSE, YOU SEE, SMITHARS, I DON'T MIND WAITIN' ON 'EM,--BUT--'CAN'T SAY I SHOULD CARE TO SIT DOWN WITH 'EM"!!! Illustration: "Business!" =Bath-Chairman.= "I S'POSE THE DUKE OF EDINBORO' AND HIS MISSIS WILL BE BY DIRECTLY?" =Policeman.= "NO, THEY WON'T. THEY AIN'T IN TOWN." =Bath-Chairman.= "AIN'T THEY?--I SAY, IF THAT OLD LADY IN MY CHAIR ASTS YOU, SAY 'YOU DON'T KNOW,' 'CAUSE SHE'S A WAITIN' TO SEE 'EM, AND I'M ENGAGED BY THE HOUR!" Illustration: _Sacrifice._ =Good Templar.= "TUT--T--T--REALLY, SWIZZLE, IT'S DISGRACEFUL TO SEE A MAN IN YOUR POSITION IN THIS STATE, AFTER THE EXPENSE WE'VE INCURRED AND THE EXERTIONS WE'VE USED TO PUT DOWN THE LIQUOR TRAFFIC!" =Swizzle.= "Y' MAY PREASH AS MUSH AS Y' LIKE, GEN'L'M'N, BUR I CAN TELL Y' I'VE MADE MORE PERSH'NAL EFFORSH TO (_hic_) PURROWN LIQUOR THAN ANY OF YE!" Illustration: _Extenuating Circumstances._ =Employer= (_on his way to business on Monday morning_). "AH, SAUNDERS! I'M SORRY TO SEE YOU IN THIS WAY. I THOUGHT YOU'D TURNED OVER A NEW LEAF!" =Saunders= (_repentant_). "SHO I'AD, SHIR, BUT (_hic_) 'TSH ALL ALONG O' THESH 'ERE WA'ER CO'PANIES--I 'SSHURE YOU, SHIR, 'ERE WASHN'T 'DROP O' WA'ER IN OUR SHISHT'RN ALL YESHT'RDAY!!!" Illustration: _A Definition._ =Shoeblack= (_pointing to Unsteady Party by the lamp-post_). "TEA-TOTALLER ON 'THE STRIKE,' SIR!" Illustration: _Mystification._ _Our young Landscape Painter's Preparations are Regarded with Intense Interest by the Village Juveniles, yet evidently expect a Gymnastic Entertainment_--(_he frames an Imaginary Picture with his Hands_). =Omnes.= "HE'S A GOIN' TO SAY HIS PRAYERS FUST!!" Illustration: _Obliging._ =Excursionist= (_to himself_). "ULLO! 'ERE'S ONE O' THEM ARTISTS. 'DESSAY 'E'LL WANT A GENTEEL FIGGER FOR 'IS FOREGROUND. I'LL _STAND FOR 'IM_!!!" Illustration: Our Theatricals. =Brown= (_rehearsing his part as the "Vicomte de Cherisac"_). "YAS, MARIE! I'VE FONDLY LOVED YE. (_Sobs dramatically._) 'TIS WELL--BUT NO MAT-TAR-R!" =Housemaid= (_to Cook, outside the Door_). "LAUKS, 'LIZ'BETH, AIN'T MASTER A GIVIN' IT TO MISSIS!" Illustration: Flattering. =Housemaid= (_to Cook, behind the laurels_). "HE'S A HAFFABLE YOUNG MAN, THAT CAP'AIN LIMBER, MISSUS'S BROTHER. HOW BECOMIN' HE'D LOOK IN OUR LIVERY, WOULDN'T HE?!!" Illustration: _Comparisons._ =Barber.= "'AIR'S EXTR'ORDINARY DRY, SIR. (_Customer explains he has been in the Country, and out o' doors a good deal._) AH! JUS' SO, SIR. RUINATION TO THE 'AIR, SIR! IF I WAS TO BE KNOCKIN' ABOUT 'UNTING AND FISHIN', LOR', SIR, MY 'AIR WOULDN'T BE IN NO BETTER STATE THAN YOURS, SIR!!" Illustration: _Delicately Put._ =Customer.= "I'M AFRAID I'M GETTING A LITTLE BALD!" =Operator.= "WELL, SIR, I THINK, SIR, WHEN YOU ATTEND PUBLIC WUSHIP, IF I WAS YOU, I'D SIT IN THE GALLERY." Illustration: _A Rash Refusal._ =Customer= (_flying from Importunate Tradesman_). "NO, THANK YOU, NOTHING MORE, REALLY! NOT ANOTHER ARTICLE, THANK YOU! GOOD MORNING!" _Escapes--ha! ha! refusing his own Umbrella!!_ Illustration: _A Guilty Conscience._ =Country Parson= (_to hard-drinking Old Pauper_). "WHY, SURELY, MUGGRIDGE, YOU WERE RELIEVED LAST WEEK FROM THE COMMUNION ALMS!" =Muggridge.= "COMMUNION ARMS, SIR! 'S TRUE'S I STAND HERE, NEVER VAS INSIDE THE 'OUSE IN ALL MY LIFE, SIR; NEVER HEERD OF IT, SIR!" Illustration: _Equal to the Situation._ =The Parson.= "WELL, LIZZIE, YOUR MOTHER'S COME OUT OF PRISON, I HEAR. HOW IS SHE NOW?" =Lizzie.= "O, THANKY', SIR, SHE'S EV' SO MUCH BETTER. SHE'VE HAD CAPITAL TIMES IN THERE. FATHER'S OUT O' WORK, AND RATHER POORLY, SO HE GOT TOOK UP LAST NIGHT!!" Illustration: _The Convalescent._ =New Curate= (_tenderly_). "MY GOOD MAN, WHAT INDUCED YOU TO SEND FOR ME?" =Oldest Inhabitant.= "WHAT DOES HE SAY, BETTY?" =Betty.= "'SAYS WHAT THE DEUCE DID YOU SEND FOR HIM, FOR!!" Illustration: Awkward! =Literal Servant Girl= (_to Brown, who was calling for the first time on the Dibsworths_). "PLEASE SIR, YOUR CABMAN SAY HE DON'T HALF LIKE THE LOOK OF THIS HERE HALF-CROWN YOU'VE GIVE HIM!!" Illustration: "Suit Your Talk to Your Company." =Mrs. Clovermead.= "AND, DAN, YOU'LL BRING THE TRAP--(_recollecting herself--her fashionable Cousin, from London, is on a Visit at the Farm_)--WE SHALL WANT THE CARRIAGE TO DRIVE INTO THE TOWN AFTER LUNCHEON, DANIEL." =Daniel.= "YES, MUM--(_hesitating--he had noticed the correction_)--BE I--(_in a loud whisper_)--BE I TO CHANGE MY TROWSE'S, MUM?"!! Illustration: _Silly Suffolk (?) Pastorals. Reciprocity._ =Parson.= "I HAVE MISSED YOU FROM YOUR PEW OF LATE, MR. STUBBINGS----" =Farmer= (_apologetically_). "WELL, SIR, I HEV' BEEN TO MEET'N' LATELY. BUT--Y' SEE, SIR, THE REVEREND MR. SCOWLES O' THE CHAPEL, HE BOUGHT SOME PIGS O' ME, AND I THOUGHT I OUGHT TO GI' 'M A TARN!!" Illustration: Lapsus Linguae. =Our Athletic Curate= (_who, with the young men of his parish, had been victorious in a great match the day before; please forgive him this once, only_). "HE-AR ENDETH THE FIRST INNINGS!!" Illustration: The Archery Meeting. =Curate= (_to Fair Stranger_). "I PERCEIVE YOU ARE NOT A TOXOPHILITE!" =Fair Stranger= (_promptly_). "OH DEAR NO! 'CHURCH OF ENGLAND,' I ASSURE YOU!" Illustration: _Grandiloquence_ =Captain of Schooner.= "WHAT 'A' YOU GOT THERE, PAT?" =Pat.= (_who has been laying in some Firewood and Potatoes_). "TIMBER AND FRUIT, YER HONOUR!!" Illustration: _Levelling Up._ =Sub.= (_just arrived by rail_). "HOW MUCH TO THE BARRACKS?" =Car-Driver.= "AH, SHURE THIN, CAPTIN, THE MANEST OV 'EM GIVES ME T'REE AND SIXPENCE!" Illustration: Rural Simplicity. "BEEN TO SCHOOL, LITTLE LASSIE?" "AY, SIR." "GOOD GIRL--THERE'S A PENNY FOR YOU." "THANK YOU, SIR. I'LL HAE TO BE STEPPIN'--BUT AWM GAUN TO SKEULL I' THE MORNIN'--WULL YE BE THIS WAY I' THE EFTERNEUN?!" Illustration: _Catechism under Difficulties._ =Free Kirk Elder= (_preparatory to presenting a Tract_). "MY FRIEND, DO YOU KNOW THE CHIEF END OF MAN?" =Piper= (_innocently_). "NA, I DINNA MIND THE CHUNE! CAN YE NO WHUSTLE IT?"!! Illustration: _In Vino Memoria._ =Major Portsoken= (_a pretty constant Guest_). "I SAY, BUCHANAN, THIS ISN'T--(_another sip_)--THE SAME CHAMPAGNE----!" =Scotch Butler.= "NA, THAT'S A' DUNE! THERE WAS THRUTTY DIZZEN; AND YE'VE HAD YERE SHARE O'T, MAJOR!!" Illustration: Mind and Matter. =Augustus= (_poetical_). "LOOK, EDITH! HOW LOVELY ARE THOSE FLEECY CLOUDLETS DAPPLED OVER THE----" =Edith= (_prosaic_). "YES. 'XACTLY LIKE GRAVY WHEN IT'S GETTING COLD. ISN'T IT?"!! Illustration: Perspective! IN CRITICISING AND CORRECTING HIS PRETTY COUSIN'S PERSPECTIVE, OF COURSE FREDERICK'S FACE MUST BE AS NEARLY AS POSSIBLE IN THE SAME PLACE AS HERS!--TABLEAU!--PA (IN THE BACKGROUND) IS EVIDENTLY MAKING UP HIS MIND TO SEE ABOUT THIS! _Note._ FRED _hasn't a rap!_ Illustration: Those Dreadful Boys! =Algernon.= "AND, DEAREST, IF THE DEVOTION OF A LIFE----" (_At this moment his hat is knocked over his eyes by a common Starfish, or Five-fingers (Asterias rubens), thrown, with considerable force and precision, by one of those_ infern----_high-spirited little fellows her younger brothers_, TOMMY _and_ BERTIE!!!) Illustration: Profanation. =Gent.= "I LEFT A LOCK OF HAIR HERE A FEW DAYS AGO TO BE FITTED IN A LOCKET, IS IT--AH--READY?" =Artiste.= "VERY SORRY, SIR, IT HAS BEEN MISLAID. BUT IT'S OF NO CONSEQUENCE, SIR--WE CAN EASILY GET IT MATCHED, SIR."!! Illustration: "Turn About." =George.= "I SAY, TOM, DO TAKE CARE! YOU NEARLY SHOT MY FATHER THEN!" =Tom.= "'SH! DON'T SAY ANYTHING, THERE'S A GOOD FELLOW! TAKE A SHOT AT MINE!!" Illustration: Making Things Pleasant. =Irishman= (_to English Sportsman_). "IS IT THROUTS? BE JABERS, THE WATTHER'S STIFF WID 'EM!!!" "_Regardless of strict truth, in his love of hyperbole and generous desire to please," as our Friend recorded in his Diary after a blank day._ Illustration: Angling Extraordinary. =Customer= (_in a great hurry_). "A SMALL BOX OF GENTLES, PLEASE. AND LOOK SHARP! I WANT TO CATCH A 'BUS'!!" Illustration: "Happy Thought." =Mistress= (_who had come down to see about the Bass Voice she had heard in the Kitchen--Guardsman discovered!_). "O, YOU DECEITFUL GIRL, TO SAY THERE WAS NOBODY HERE! AND AFTER I'D GIVEN YOU DISTINCTLY TO UNDERSTAND I DIDN'T ALLOW 'FOLLOWERS'; AND HERE, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HERE A WEEK----" =Cook.= "LAUKS, M'M, IT MUST BE ONE O' THE FOLLERERS AS THE LAST COOK LEFT BE'IND 'ER!!" Illustration: _Romance of the Kitchen._ =Cook= (_from the Area_). "O, 'LIZA, GI' ME MY WINIGRETTE--I'VE 'AD A--OFFER--FROM THE DUSTMAN!!" Illustration: "_Compliments of the Season._" =Comely Housemaid.= "O, MR. JAMES, I'M SO FRIGHTENED IN THE RAILWAY! SUPPOSE THE BILER WAS TO BUST!" =Mr. James.= "THEN, MY DEAR, YOU'D BE A SINGIN' AMONG THE ANGELS IN ABOUT TEN MINUTES!!" Illustration: "Ready!" =Emily.= "WHAT'S CAPITAL PUNISHMENT, MAMMA?" =Master Harry.= "WHY, BEING LOCKED UP IN THE PANTRY! _I_ SHOULD CONSIDER IT SO!" Illustration: Dear, Dear Boy! =George.= "OH! SHOULDN'T I JUST LIKE TO SEE SOMEBODY IN THAT DEN, AUNT!" =Serious Aunt.= "YE-ES. DANIEL, I SUPPOSE, DEAR?" =George.= "OH NO, AUNT; I MEAN 'OLD TWIGSBY,' OUR HEAD-MASTER!!" Illustration: "Brother Brush." =Ship-Painter.= "NICE DRYIN' WEATHER FOR OUR BUSINESS, AIN'T IT, SIR?" =Amateur= (_disconcerted_). "YA-A-S!"---- _Takes a dislike to the place._ Illustration: "The Compliments of the (Sketching) Season." =Papa.= "THERE, HENRY! IF YOU COULD DO LIKE THAT, I'D HAVE YOU _TAUGHT DRAWING_, MY BOY!" Illustration: A Pleasant Prospect. =English Tourist.= "I SAY, LOOK HERE. HOW FAR IS IT TO THIS GLENSTARVIT? THEY TOLD US IT WAS ONLY----" =Native.= "ABOOT FOUR MILES." =Tourist= (_aghast_). "ALL BOG LIKE THIS?" =Native.= "EH--H--THIS IS JUST NAETHIN' TILL'T!!" Illustration: Compliments of the Season. =Squire= (_who interests himself with the Moral and Material Condition of his Peasantry_). "HULLO, WOODRUFF! WHAT AN EYE YOU'VE GOT! HOW DID YOU GET THAT?!" =Labourer.= "O, IT'S NAWTHIN' PARTIC'LAR, SIR. LAST NIGHT--AT THE WHITE 'ART, SIR. BUT--(_in extenuation_)--CHRISHMASH TIME, SIR--ON'Y ONCE A YEAR!" Illustration: Two Sides to a Question. =Squire.= "YOUR NAME SMITH?" =Smith.= "YESSIR." =Squire.= "AH, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE THE MAN WHO GIVES SO MUCH TROUBLE TO MY KEEPERS!" =Smith.= "AX YER PARDON, SQUIRE, YOUR KEEPERS IS MUCH MORE TROUBLE TO ME!" Illustration: Suspicion! =Stout Visitor= (_on discovering that, during his usual Nap after Luncheon, he has been subjected to a grossly personal Practical Joke_). "IT'S ONE O' THOSE DASHED ARTISTS THAT ARE STAYING AT THE 'LORD NELSON' 'A' DONE THIS, I KNOW!" Illustration: Depression. SCENE--_The Exchange. Industrial Centre._ =First Commercial Man= (_dryly_). "MORNIN'!" =Second ditto= (_coldly_). "MORNIN'!" =First C. M.= (_hopelessly_). "OWT?" =Second ditto= (_mournfully_). "NOWT!" =First C. M.= (_gloomily_). "MORNIN'!" =Second ditto= (_despairingly_). "MORNIN'!" _They part._ Illustration: Reductio ad Absurdum. =Stout Party= (_the first time he went for his Dividends since his Aunt left him that Legacy_). "WHERE DO YOU GO FOR THESE DIVIDEND WARRANTS?" =Bank Beadle.= "WHAT STOCK, SIR?" =Stout Party.= "WELL, THREE PER CENT. SOMETHING "----(_The word stuck in his throat_). =Bank Beadle.= "AH!--(_giving him the Information, and saying the word for him_)--_REDOOCED,_ SIR!!" _Stout Party sighs, and exit._ Illustration: "The More Haste the Less Speed." =Intelligent Peasant= (_who has been overlooking our Artists with much interest_). "YAR MATE'S A STAININ' O' HIS'N A'READY, SIR!" Illustration: The Point of View. =Tomkins= (_he has heard his friend Stodge talk so much about that lovely spot Wobbleswick, whither he was going sketching, that he was induced to accompany him. A day has elapsed, and he is awaking to the horror of his situation!_) "SEEMS TO ME AN INFERN----I CALL IT RATHER A DULL PLACE!" =Stodge.= "DULL, MY DEAR FELLOW! HOW CAN YOU SAY SO? LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL, BREEZY COMMON! AND THE LINES OF THOSE OLD HOUSES ON THE BEACH, BREAKING THE HORIZON, AND THE COLOUR! AND THE JOLLY QUIET OF THE PLACE! NONE O' YOUR BEASTLY BARREL-ORGANS OR GAPING TOURISTS SWARMING ABOUT! I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT!!" Illustration: "Lucus a Non" &c. =Visitor.= "HOW LONG HAS YOUR MASTER BEEN AWAY?" =Irish Footman.= "WELL, SORR, IF HE'D COME HOME YISTHERDAY, HE'D A' BEEN GONE A WAKE TO-MORROW; BUT EV HE DOESN'T RETURN THE DAY AFTHER, SHURE HE'LL A' BEEN AWAY A FORTNIGHT NEXT THORSDAY!!" Illustration: Hyperbole. =Saxon Sportsman.= "ANY SNIPE ABOUT HERE, MY MAN?" =Pat.= "SNIPES, IS IT?! FAIX, THEY'RE GINERALLY JOSTLIN' 'ACH OTHER HEREABOUTS!" Illustration: Real Irish Grievance. =Irish Model= (_requested to put on rather a dilapidated costume_). "THE BLISSED SAINTS DIRICT ME INTO THIS COAT, SOR!" Illustration: Our Inspection. =Lieutenant-Colonel.= "HULLO! CONFOUND IT! THERE'S A MAN BLOWING HIS NOSE--AND WITH A POCKET-HANDKERCHIEF, TOO! TUT-T-T-T-T!" Illustration: Hunting Appointments. =Scientific Colonel.= "ARE YOU GOING TO THE 'KRIEGSPIEL' TO-MORROW?" =Cavalry Sub.= (_Hunting Man_). "AUGH! 'THINK NOT, SIR. AUGH! 'MEET THE-ARE, DO THEY? NEVAR HEARD OF THE PLACE! WHERWE ON EARTH IS I--T?"!! Illustration: Encouraging! =Riding-Master= (_to Sub. belonging to one of the new Mounted Batteries_). "WELL, SIR! YOU'RE ALL 'OF A HEAP' ON THE HORSE'S NECK--YOU'VE LOST YOUR SWORD AND YOUR FORAGE-CAP, AND YOU'VE LOST YOUR STIRRUPS--AND----YOU'LL LOSE YOURSELF NEXT!!" Illustration: "It's an Ill Wind" &c. =Sporting Sub.= "I SHOULD LIKE TO HAVE MY LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, COLONEL, FOR I'VE JUST HEARD MY FATHER'S HAD A BAD FALL OUT HUNTING." =Colonel.= "DEAR ME! I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT! I HOPE HE'S NOT HURT!" =Sporting Sub.= "OH, IT ISN'T THAT!--ONLY I WANT TO HAVE HIS HORSE!!" Illustration: Particular! =Adjutant of Volunteers= (_to Recruit_). "WELL, SIR, AND WHAT COMPANY DO YOU WISH TO BE IN?" =Recruit.= "AUGH! I'VE BEEN--AH--USED TO THE CO'PANY OF--AH--GE'TLEMEN, SIR!!!!" Illustration: The Last Word. =Cabby= (_to stately Party, who has given him his legal Fare_). "MAKIN' YER FORTUNE, SIR, NO DOUBT!" =Swell= (_not exactly catching the Remark_). "EH?" =Cabby.= "YOU'RE A LAYIN' BY A GOOD BIT O' MONEY, SIR, I'LL BE BOUND!" =Swell= (_indignantly_). "What d'you mean, Sir?" Cabby. "WHY YOU DON'T SPEND MUCH, SEEMIN'LY!" _Drives off in triumph._ Illustration: A Dilemma. =Cabby.= "ERE'S A GO, P'LICEMAN! WHAT AM I TO DO?--I VOS ORDERED TO TAKE THESE 'ERE GENTS AS 'A BEEN A DININ' YOU SEE, TO THEIR 'SPECTABLE 'OMES, VUN VOS FOR 'ANOVER SQUARE, ANOTHER FOR THE HALBANY, AND THE TOTHERS ELSEVERES----VELL, THEY VOS ALL CAREFULLY SORTED VEN I STARTED, AN' NOW THEY'VE BEEN AN' GONE AN' MIXED THE'RSELVES UP, AN' I DON'T KNOW VICH IS VICH!!" Illustration: Too True! =Mamma.= "MY DEAR CHILD, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT DREADFUL SCRATCH ON YOUR ARM?" =Little Ada.= "OH, 'MA, IT WAS 'LISBETH'S BIG BRASS BROOCH WITH THE GREEN GLASS IN IT, THAT THE TALL SOLDIER GAVE HER!" Illustration: "Once for All." =Mistress.= "BY THE WAY--ANNA--HANNAH--I'M NOT SURE. IS YOUR NAME ANNA, OR HANNAH?" =New Cook= (_tartly_). "WHICH MY NAME IS ANNA, MUM--HAICH, HA, HEN, HEN, HA, HAICH,--'ANNA'"---- =Mistress= (_giving it up in despair_). "AH! THANK YOU." Illustration: Up and Down Stairs. =Young Mistress= (_at the Parlour Door_). "ELIZA, WHAT IS THAT BELL RINGING FOR SO VIOLENTLY?" =Cook= (_below_). "IT'S ON'Y ME, M'UM. I WANT YOU DOWN IN THE KITCHING A MINUTE!!" Illustration: Terms--Cash. =Lady Bountiful.= "HERE, MY GOOD MAN, HERE'S A TICKET FOR THE ORGANISING CHARITABLE RELIEF AND REPRESSING MENDI----" =Professional Beggar= (_with a sneer_). "O, THANKY FOR NOTHINK, MUM, _HOURS IS A READY MONEY BUSINESS_!" Illustration: Gratitude. =Fastidious Vagrant.= "AND THEY AIN'T 'ALF BUTTERED! I COULD 'A DONE AS WELL IF I'D GONE UP THE LANE TO THE 'UNION!'" Illustration: Music of the Future. Sensation Opera. =Manager= (_to his Primo Tenore, triumphantly_). "MY DEAR FELLOW, I'VE BROUGHT YOU THE SCORE OF THE NEW OPERA. WE'VE ARRANGED SUCH A SCENE FOR YOU IN THE THIRD ACT! O' BOARD OF THE PIRATE SCREW, AFTER THE KEELHAULING SCENE, YOU KNOW! HEAVY ROLLING SEA, EH?--YES, AND WE CAN HAVE SOME REAL SPRAY PUMPED ON TO YOU FROM THE FIRE-ENGINE! VOLUMES OF SMOKE FROM THE FUNNEL, CLOSE BEHIND YOUR HEAD--IN FACT, YOU'LL BE ENVELOPED AS YOU RUSH ON TO THE BRIDGE! AND THEN YOU'LL SING THAT LOVELY BARCAROLLE THROUGH THE SPEAKING-TRUMPET! AND MIND YOU HOLD TIGHT, AS THE SHIP BLOWS UP JUST AS YOU COME UPON YOUR HIGH D IN THE LAST BAR!!!" Illustration: Club Law. =Waiter.= "DID YOU RING, SIR?" =Member= (_trying to be calm_). "YES. WILL YOU WAKE THIS GENTLEMAN, AND SAY I SHOULD BE OBLIGED IF HE'D LET ME HAVE THE _SPECTATOR_, IF HE'S NOT READING IT." _Old Wacklethorpe has been asleep, with the Paper firmly clutched, for the last two hours._ Illustration: "'High' Life Below Stairs!" =Master= (_sniffing_). "THERE'S A MOST EXTRAORDINARY SMELL, JAMES. I'VE NOTICED IT SEVERAL----" =Hall Porter.= "I DON'T WONDER AT IT, SIR. I'VE SPOKE ABOUT IT DOWN-STAIRS. THE BUTLER, SIR, YOU SEE IS ''IGH CHURCH,' WHICH HE 'AS FIT UP A HORATORY IN THE PANTRY, AND BURNS HINCENSE. WE COULD STAND THAT; BUT THE COOK IS THE 'LOW CHURCH' PERSUASION, AND SHE BURNS BROWN PAPER TO HOBVIATE THE HINCENSE. IT'S PERFECTLY HAWFUL ON SAINTS' DAYS, SIR!!!" Illustration: Wages and Wives. =Philanthropic Farmer.= "WELL, TOMKINS, AFTER THIS WEEK, INSTEAD OF PAYING YOU PARTLY IN CIDER, I SHALL GIVE YOU TWO SHILLINGS EXTRA WAGES." =Tomkins.= "NO, THANKY', MASTER; THAT WON'T DO FOR ME!" =Farmer.= "WHY, MAN, YOU'LL BE THE GAINER; FOR THE CIDER YOU HAD WASN'T WORTH TWO SHILLINGS!" =Tomkins. ="AH, BUT YOU SEE I DRINKS THE CIDER MYSELF; BUT THE OW'D OOMAN 'LL 'EV THE TWO SHILLUN'!!" Illustration: Pursuit o' Knowledge! =First Agricultural= (_quite a Year after our Branch had been Opened_). "WHAT BE THEY POST-ES VUR, MAS'R SAM'L?" =Second Ditto= (_Wag of the Village_). "WHY, TO CARRY THE TELEGRAFT WOIRES, GEARGE!" =First Ditto.= "WHAT BE THE WOIRES VUR, THEN?" =Second Ditto.= "WHAT BE THE WOIRES FUR? WHY, TO HOOLD UP THE POST-ES, SART'N'Y, GEARGE."!!! Illustration: A Nice Prospect! =Traveller= (_benighted in the Black Country_). "NOT A BEDROOM DISENGAGED! TUT-T-T-T!" =Landlady= (_who is evidently in the Coal Business as well_). "OH, WE'LL ACCOMMODATE YOU SOMEHOW, SIR, IF ME AND MY 'USBAND GIVES YOU UP OUR OWN BED, SIR!" Illustration: Boon Companions! =Bargee.= "WHAT! GE-ARGE!" _Rustic grins in response._ =Bargee.= "I'M ALLUS MAIN GLAD TO SEE THEE, GE-ARGE!" =Rustic.= "WHOY?" =Bargee.= "'CAUSE I KNOW THERE MUST BE A PUBLIC-'OUSE CLOSE BY!" Illustration: Bereaved. =First Pitman.= "THOU HESSENT BEEN AT THE TOUN LATELY, GEORDIE. HOO'S THAT, MAN?" =Second Pitman.= "THOU KNAWS THE DOG'S DEED, AND AW KENNET GETTEN ANOTHER; AN' A CHAP LECKS SA FOND WITOUT A DOG!" Illustration: Geology. =Scientific Pedestrian.= "DO YOU FIND ANY FOSSILS HERE?" =Excavator.= "DUNNO WHAT YUH CALLS 'VOSSULS.' WE FINDS NOWT HERE BUT MUCK AND 'ARD WORK!" Illustration: The Morning Concert. =Swell= (_doesn't care for music himself_). "MY DEAR, IS THIS--AH--(_yawns_)--TE-DIUM OVAR?"!! Illustration: A Cool Card. =Swell= (_handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party_). "AW--WOULD YOU--AW--DO ME THE FAVOUR TO WEAD THE LIST OF THE WACES TO ME WHILE WE'RE WUNNING DOWN?--I'VE--AW--FORGOTTEN MY EYEGLASS. DON'T MIND WAISING YOUR VOICE--I'M PWECIOUS DEAF!" Illustration: "Relapse." =Squire.= "WHY, PAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STANDING BY THE WALL OF THE PUBLIC-HOUSE? I THOUGHT YOU WERE A TEETOTALLER!" =Pat.= "YES, YER HONNOR. I'M JUST LISTENIN' TO THEM IMPENITENT BOYS DRINKING INSIDE!" Illustration: "_In Confidence._" =Hungry Customer.= "'TAINT BAD." =Chef.= "GLAD YOU LIKE IT; FOR, TO TELL YER THE TRUTH, A'THOUGH I'VE BEEN A MAKIN' O' THIS SOUP FOR FIFTEEN YEAR, I AIN'T NEVER TASTED IT MYSELF!!" Illustration: "_The Struggle for Existence._" =Darwinian Coster= (_to thrifty Housewife_). "WELL, FISH IS DEAR, MUM; YOU SEE IT'S A-GETTIN' WERY SCA'CE IN CONSEKENCE O' THESE 'ERE AQUERIUNS!" Illustration: _A Satisfactory Character._ Mrs. Brisket (_about the Squire's new Bride_). "OH, YES, MUM, SHE COME IN 'ERE YESTERDAY, MUM. BLESS YER! A PUFFECT LADY. MUM! DON'T KNOW ONE J'INT O' MEAT FROM ANOTHER, MUM!!" Illustration: _Hard Up on a Wet Day._ =Richard.= "WHAT ARE YOU RINGING FOR, BOB?" =Robert.= "THE BEEF!" =Richard.= "YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO EAT BEEF AGAIN, BOB, ARE YOU? WHY IT ISN'T HALF-AN-HOUR SINCE BREAKFAST!" =Robert.= "WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY HUNGRY, BUT ONE MUST DO SOMETHING!" Illustration: _Incombinable Elements._ =First Medical Student.= "WHAT ARE YOU SIGHING FOR, JACK?" Second Ditto. "UGH! I WAS THINKING OF THAT INFERNAL CHEMISTRY CRAM TO-MORROW, AND WHAT A DEUCED PRETTY GIRL I SAW IN GOWER STREET JUST NOW!!" Illustration: A Desperate Case! =First Driver.= "HOW'S POOR BOB?" =Second Driver.= "OH, HE'S A GOOD DEAL BETTER--TAKES HIS _LOTIONS_ MORE REG'LAR----" =First Driver= (_reassured_). "AH!" Illustration: "Bon Voyage!" =Bus-Conductor= (_to Portly Female, who was indignant at having been carried a little beyond her destination_). "WELL, THERE Y'ARE, MUM, FUST TO YER LEFT. Y'AINT GOT SO VERY FAR TO GO, AND THE _WIND'S AT YER BACK_!!" Illustration: _Personal!_ =Driver= (_impatient_). "NOW THEN, BILL!" =Conductor.= "O, LOOK ALIVE, PLEASE, M'M! (_To the Driver._) CAN'T HELP IT! ALL IN THE 'ANTIQUE' LINE THIS MORNIN'! 'ERE'S THREE MORE ON 'EM!" _"'Antique,' indeed! Odious Wretch!" thought one of the parties alluded to._ Illustration: "_The Conscience Clause_" =Rector's Wife.= "AND WHAT'S YOUR FATHER, MY BOY?" =Boy.= "MY FATHER'S A 'HAGITATOR,' AN' HE SAYS HE WON'T HAVE ME LEARNT NO CATECHISM, 'R ELSE YOU'LL ALL OF YER EAR OV IT!" Illustration: _Education._ =Squire.= "HOBSON, THEY TELL ME YOU'VE TAKEN YOUR BOY AWAY FROM THE NATIONAL SCHOOL. WHAT'S THAT FOR?" =Villager.= "'CAUSE THE MASTER AIN'T FIT TO TEACH UN!" =Squire.= "O, I'VE HEARD HE'S A VERY GOOD MASTER." =Villager.= "WELL, ALL I KNOWS IS, HE WANTED TO TEACH MY BOY TO SPELL 'TATERS' WITH A 'P'!!!" Illustration: "Exempli Gratia." =Ancient Mariner= (_to credulous Yachtsman_). "A'MIRAL LORD NELSON! BLESS YER, I KNOWED HIM; SERVED UNDER HIM. MANY'S THE TIME I'VE AS'ED HIM FOR A BIT O' 'BACCO, AS I MIGHT BE A ASTIN' O' YOU; AND SAYS HE, 'WELL, I 'AIN'T GOT NO 'BACCO,' JEST AS YOU MIGHT SAY TO ME; 'BUT HERE'S A SHILLIN' FOR YER,' SAYS HE"!! Illustration: Dignity. =Shipping Clerk.= "ARE YOU THE MATE O' THE '_MAGGIE LAUDER_,' OF STONEHAVEN?" =Mate= (_sternly_). "ASK IF I'M THE FIR-R-R-ST OFFICER, YOUNG MAN, AN' MAYBE I'LL GIE YE AN ANSWER!" Illustration: _A Woman-Hater._ =Spiteful Old Party= (_who is tarring the Stays of the Flagstaff_). "STRIPED GOWNDS SEEM ALL THE 'GO' WITH 'EM, EH? (_Chuckles._) I'LL STRIPE 'EM! PUT A EXTRA STREAK O' ILE IN, O' PURPOSE--WON'T DRY FOR A MONTH! COME LOLLOPIN' ABOUT HERE WITH THEIR CRIN'LYNES AN' TR'INES, THEY MUST TAKE THE CONSEKENSES!!" Illustration: _When You are About it._ =Magister Familias= (_parting with his Butler_). "HERE IS THE LETTER, FLANAGAN. I CAN CONSCIENTIOUSLY SAY YOU ARE HONEST AND ATTENTIVE, BUT I SHOULD HAVE TO STRETCH A POINT IF I WERE TO SAY YOU ARE SOBER." =Mr. Flanagan.= "THANK YOU, SOR. BUT WHEN YOU _ARE_ AFTHER STHRITCHIN' A POINT, SOR, WOULDN'T YOU, PLASE, STHRITCH IT A LITTLE FURTHER, AND SAY I'M _AFTEN_ SOBER!!" Illustration: _Sympathy._ =Epicurus.= "PAH! O, GOOD GRACIOUS, MIVINS, THAT LAST OYSTER WAS--UGH!" =Butler= (_with feeling_). "T-T-T-T--DEAR ME! CORKED, SIR?!!" Illustration: _The Run of the House._ =First Flunkey.= "WON'T YOU COME IN, JOHN, AND TAKE SOMETHING?" =Second Ditto.= "THANKS, NO; I'LL LOOK YOU UP NEXT WEEK. 'BE ON BOARD-WAGES THEN, YOU KNOW!" Illustration: "_What Next?_" =Mistress= (_to New Housemaid_). "JANE, I'M QUITE SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU CAN'T READ OR WRITE! I'M SURE ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS WOULD GLADLY UNDERTAKE TO TEACH YOU----" =Maid.= "O, LOR', MUM, IF THE YOUNG LADIES WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO LEARN ME ANYTHING, I SHOULD SO LIKE TO PLAY THE PIANNER."!! Illustration: "_The Servants._" =Cook.= "YES, SUSAN, I'M A WRITIN' TO MARY HANN MIGGS. SHE'VE APPLIED TO ME FOR THE CHARICTER OF MY LAST MISSUS, WHICH SHE'S THINKIN' OF TAKIN' THE SITIWATION----" =Susan.= "WILL YOU GIVE HER ONE?" =Cook.= "WELL, I'VE SAID THIS. (_Reads._) 'MRS. PERKSITS PRESENTS HER COMPLIMINKS TO MISS MIGGS, AND BEGS TO INFORM HER THAT I CONSIDER MRS. BROWN A RESPEK'ABLE YOUNG PERSON, AND ONE AS KNOWS HER DOOTIES; BUT SHE CAN'T CONSHESALY RECOMMEND HER TEMPER, WHICH I HAD TO PART WITH HER ON THAT ACCOUNT.' IT'S ALLUS BEST TO BE CANDIED, YOU KNOW, SUSAN!" Illustration: _Quite Superfluous._ =Stout Passenger= (_obstreperously_). "HOY! HOY! HOY!!" =Bus-Driver.= "ALL RIGHT, SIR, WE CAN SEE YER, SIR; WE CAN SEE YER VITH THE NAKED EYE, SIR!" Illustration: "_Noblesse Oblige._" =Stodge= (_in answer to the reproachful look of his Cabman_). "WELL, IT'S YOUR RIGHT FARE; YOU KNOW THAT AS WELL AS I DO!" =Cabby.= "OH! WHICH I'M WELL AWARE O' THAT, SIR! BUT----("_more in sorrow than in anger_")--AN' YOU A ARTIS', SIR!!" _Gets another Shilling!_ Illustration: _The Beard Movement._ =Policeman= (_invidiously_). "IT'S PUFFECTLY HOPTIONAL VITH US, YOU KNOW!" (_"The Hairs them P'licemen give theirselves," John remarked afterwards, in the Servants' Hall._) Illustration: _Too Late._ =Departing Guest.= "BUT MY HAT WAS A BRAN-NEW ONE!" =Greengrocer= (_Footman for the nonce_). "OH, SIR! THE SECOND-BEST 'ATS A' BEEN GONE 'ALF-AN-HOUR AGO, SIR!" Illustration: _Music in the Midlands._ =Intelligent Youth of Country Town.= "AH SAY, BILL, ULL THAT BE T' ELIJAH GOIN' OOP I' THAT BIG BOX?!" Illustration: _A Perfect Excuse._ =Rector= (_to his Keeper_). "'MORNING, WOODGATE. DIDN'T I SEE YOU AT CHURCH YESTERDAY?" =Keeper= (_apologetically_). "YES, SIR. BUT--I FELT I WAS A DOIN' WRONG ALL THE TIME, SIR!" Illustration: "_Fahrenheit._" =Rector.= "AH, WE SHALL BE COMFORTABLE THIS MORNING, GRUFFLES, I SEE YOU'VE GOT THE TEMPERATURE UP NICELY. SIXTY, I DECLARE!" =Clerk.= "YES, SIR, I ALLUS HEV A TROUBLE TO GET THAT THING UP. I TOOK AND WARMED IT JEST THIS MINUTE!" Illustration: _Pleasuring!_ =Vicar= (_to Old Lady, who is returning from a Funeral_). "WELL, MARTHA, I'M AFRAID YOU'VE HAD A SAD AFTERNOON. IT HAS BEEN A LONG WALK, TOO, FOR YOU----" =Martha.= "SURE-LY, 'TIS, SIR! AH, SIR, 'TAIN'T MUCH PLEASURE NOW FOR ME TO GO TO FUNERALS; I BE TOO OLD AND FULL O' RHEUMATIZ. IT WAS VERY DIFFERENT WHEN WE WAS YOUNG--THAT 'TWER!!" Illustration: _Awkward!_ FLITHERS SPENDS HIS CHRISTMAS AT A COUNTRY HOUSE, AND THE FIRST DAY, ON THE LADIES LEAVING THE TABLE AFTER DINNER, HE JUMPS UP, AND OPENS THE _WRONG DOOR_!! Illustration: _He Thought He was Safe_ =Irascible Old Gentleman.= "BUY A COMB! WHAT THE DEVIL SHOULD I BUY A COMB FOR! YOU DON'T SEE ANY HAIR ON MY HEAD, DO YOU?" =Unlicensed Hawker.= "LOR' BLESS YER, SIR!--YER DON'T WANT NO 'AIR ON YER 'EAD FOR A TOOTH-COMB!!" Illustration: _Hygiene._ =Hearty Old Gentleman= (_to dyspeptic Friend_). "DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU?! OH, I NEVER LET ANYTHING OF THAT SORT BOTHER ME! I ALWAYS EAT WHAT I LIKE, AND DRINK WHAT I LIKE, AND FINISH OFF WITH A GOOD STIFF GLASS O' GROG AT BED-TIME, AND GO FAST ASLEEP, _AN' LET 'M FIGHT 'T OUT 'MONG 'MSELVES_!!!" Illustration: _Considerate Criticism._ =Rustic= (_to his friend_). "WA--AT, THA'S BETTER THAN DOIN' O' NAWTH'N'. I S'POOS', GEARGE!!" Illustration: "_The Finishing Touch!_" =Farmer= (_who has been most Obliging, and taken great Interest in the Picture_). "GOOD MORN'N', SIR! BUT--(_aghast_)--I SAY, WHAT ARE YOU A DOIN' OF, MISTER?! A P'INTIN' ALL THEM BEASTLY POPPIES IN MY CORN!--'A BIT O' COLOUR?'--WHAT 'OULD MY LANDLORD SAY, D' YOU THINK?--AND AFTER I'D PUT OFF CUTTIN' CAUSE YOU HADN'T FINISHED, TO OBLIGE YER, I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D A DONE IT! YOU DON'T COME A P'INTIN' ON MY LAND ANY MORE!" _Exit, in great dudgeon._ Illustration: _A Fortiori._ =Ticket Collector.= "NOW, THEN, MAKE HASTE! WHERE'S YOUR TICKET?" =Bandsman= (_refreshed_). "AU'VE LOST IT!" =Ticket Collector.= "NONSENSE! FEEL IN YOUR POCKETS. YE CANNOT HEV LOST IT!" =Bandsman.= "AW CANNOT?! WHY, MAN, AU'VE LOST THE _BIG DRUM_!" Illustration: "_Nae That Fou!_" =Country Gentlemen= (_who thought he'd got such a treasure of a new Gardener_). "TUT, TUT, TUT! BLESS MY SOUL, SAUNDERS! HOW--WHAT'S ALL THIS? DISGRACEFULLY INTOXICATED AT THIS HOUR OF THE MORNING! AIN'T YOU ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?!" =Saunders.= "'SH-HAMED? (_Hic._) NA, NA, 'M NAE SAE DRUNK AS THAT COMES T'! AH KEN VARRA WEEL WHAT A'M ABOOT!!" Illustration: Hibernian Veracity. =Paterfamilias= (_with his Family in Ireland_). "HAVE YOU ANY WEST INDIA PICKLES, WAITER?" =Paddy.= "WE'VE NOT, SOR." =Paterfamilias.= "NO HOT PICKLES OF ANY DESCRIPTION?" =Paddy.= "NO; SHURE THEY'RE ALL COULD, SOR." Illustration: Quite Another Thing. =Paddy= (_the loser_). "ABRAM, G'ALONG! I SAID I'D LAY YOU FOIVE TO WAN, BUT I WASN'T GOIN' TO BET MY HA'F-CROWN AGIN YOUR TATH'RIN LITTLE SIXPENCE!" _Exeunt fighting._ Illustration: A Fair Offer. =Athletic Barman.= "NOW, IF YOU DON'T TAKE YOURSELF OFF, I'LL PRECIOUS SOON TURN YOU OUT!" =Pat= (_with a yell_). "TUR-R-RN ME OUT? IS IT TUR-R-RN ME OUT? THIN, BEDAD! COME OUTSIDE, AN' TUR-R-RN ME OUT!!" Illustration: "The Way We Live Now." =Swell Coachman= (_with his eye on the Brougham's cockade_). "YOUR GUV'NER IN THE ARMY?" =Brougham= (_artlessly_). "NOT 'ZACTLY IN THE HARMY. BUT MISSIS SAY AS THEY SOLD MILINGTARY CUR'OSITIES WHEN THEY KEP' A SHOP IN 'OLBORN!!" Illustration: Re-Assuring. =Nervous Old Lady= (_Band in the Distance_). "OH, THERE ARE THOSE DREADFUL VOLUNTEERS, JOSEPH! I KNOW THE HORSE WILL TAKE FRIGHT! HADN'T YOU BETTER TURN HIM ROUND?!" =Coachman= (_who will have his own way_). "OH, LET 'IM ALONE, 'M; HE'LL TURN 'ISSELF ROUND, AND PRETTY QUICK, TOO, IF HE'S FRIGHTENED!!" Illustration: Well Meant. =Shoeblack= (_to daily Customer_). "SUCH A TREAT WE'VE GOT TO-NIGHT, SIR! TEA AN' BUNS, AN' SPEECHES AT EXETER 'ALL! WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GO, SIR?" =City Magnate.= "OH, THEY WOULDN'T LET ME IN, MY BOY." =Shoeblack.= "UM!" (_Ponders._) "WELL--LOOK 'ERE. I THINK I COULD SMUG YER IN AS MY _FATHER_!!" Illustration: Nature and Art. =Pedestrian.= "THAT'S AN EXTRAORDINARY LOOKING DOG, MY BOY. WHAT DO YOU CALL HIM?" =Boy.= "FUST OF ALL HE WER' A GREY'OUND, SIR, AN' 'IS NAME WAS 'FLY,' AS' THEN THEY CUT 'IS EARS AN' TAIL OFF, AN' MADE A MASTI' DOG ON 'IM, AN' NOW 'IS NAME'S 'LION'!" Illustration: Natural Advantages. =Teacher.= "WHAT BIRD DID NOAH SEND OUT OF THE ARK?" =Smallest Boy In the Class= (_after a Pause_). "A DOVE, SIR." =Teacher.= "VERY WELL. BUT I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT SOME OF YOU BIG BOYS WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT!" =Tall Pupil.= "PLEASE, SIR, THAT BOY OUGHT TO KNOW, SIR, 'CAUSE HIS FATHER'S A BIRD-KETCHER, SIR!!!" Illustration: The Restraints of Society. =Juvenile Bohemian.= "HATE GOIN' OUT TO TEA! 'HAVE TO BE GOOD SUCH A PRECIOUS LONG TIME!!" Illustration: Simple Addition. =New Governess.= "WHY ARE YOU STARING SO INTENTLY, BLANCHE, DEAR?" =Blanche.= "I WAS TRYING TO COUNT THE FRECKLES ON YOUR FACE, MISS SANDYPOLE, BUT I CAN'T!" Illustration: Secrets. =Intelligent Housemaid.= "OH, PLEASE, MISS, THERE WAS A YOUNG GENTLEMAN CALLED WHEN YOU WAS OUT. HE DIDN'T LEAVE NO CARD, MISS; BUT I CAN SHOW YOU WHO HE IS, 'CAUSE THERE'S THREE OF HIS PHOTYGRAPHS IN YOUR ALBUM." Illustration: "A Parthian Shaft." =Cook.= "NOW, I'M A LEAVIN' OF YER, M'UM, I MAY AS WELL TELL YER AS THE KEY O' THE KITCHING-DOOR FITS YOUR STORE-ROOM!" Illustration: Sweet Simplicity. =Visitor.= "JANE, HAS YOUR MISTRESS GOT A BOOT-JACK?" =Maid-of-all-Work.= "NO, SIR; PLEASE, SIR, I CLEAN ALL THE BOOTS, SIR!" Illustration: Master of the Situation?! SCENE--_Mr. Tethershort's Sanctum._ ENTER _Mrs. T. and her Cook._ =Cook= (_with her usual promptitude--SHE never kept anybody waiting_). "OH, IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, I WISH TO COMPLAIN OF MISSIS! WHICH SHE COME A DICTATERIN' AND A HINTERFERIN' IN YOUR KITCHING IN A WAY AS I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T APPROVE ON," &C., &C., &C.!! _T. confesses he felt (for the first and last time) a delicious sensation of being apparently master in his own house. She was an admirable Cook, and altogether a most excell---- BUT HOWEVER SHE HAD TO GO_! Illustration: Manners! =Young Mistress.= "JANE, I'M SURPRISED THAT NONE OF YOU STOOD UP WHEN I WENT INTO THE KITCHEN JUST NOW!" =Jane.= "INDEED, MUM! WHICH WE WAS SU'PRISED OURSELVES AT YOUR A COMIN' INTO THE KITCHING WHILE WE WAS A 'AVIN' OUR _LUNCHEONS_!!" Illustration: A Regular Turk! =Adjutant.= "WELL, SERGEANT, HOW'S YOUR PRISONER GETTING ON?" =Sergeant of the Guard.= "BEDAD, SOR, HE'S THE VI'LENTEST BLAGGYARD I IVER HAD TO DO WID! WE'RE ALL IN TIRROR IV OUR LOIVES! SHURE WE'RE OBLIGED TO FEED HIM WID FIXED BAY'NITS!" Illustration: "Incidit in Scyllam," &c. =Ensign Muffles= (_alluding to his Moustache_). "YOU SEE, SOME SAY, 'WEAR IT,' YOU KNOW; AND SOME SAY, 'CUT IT OFF,' YOU KNOW; BUT IF I TOOK EVERYBODY'S ADVICE I SHOULD BE LIKE THE OLD MAN AND HIS DONKEY." =Sergeant O'Rourke.= "YOUR'R HON'RR WOULD--(BUT NOT WISHING TO BE PERSONAL ABOUT HIS OFFICER'S AGE) THAT IS--LASTE-WAYS,--BARRIN THE OULD MAN, YOUR HON-R-R-R!!!" Illustration: What H. M. Civil Servants have to Endure. (BESIDES THE RIDICULOUSLY LOW SALARIES.) =Mr. Registrar.= "WHAT'S THE NUMBER OF YOUR DEED, SIR?" =Attorney's Clerk.= "H-eight, H-ought H-eight, H-ought, Sevin, Sir!" =Mr. Registrar= (_faintly_). "OH DEAR! OH DEAR!--(NOTES DOWN THE NUMBER)--THAT WILL DO." _And is so upset that he takes a month's holiday on the spot._ Illustration: Curious. =English Tourist= (_in Ireland_). "TELL ME, WAITER, AT WHAT HOUR DOES THE FIRST TRAIN LEAVE FOR CLONMEL?" =Waiter.= "IS IT THE FURRST THRAIN, SOR? I'M NOT RIGHTLY SHURE. THE NOINE THRAIN UP USED TO LAVE AT HA'F-PAST NOINE--BUT FAIX IT GOES AT TIN NOW, AND THERE'S NO FURRST THRAIN NOW AT ALL AT ALL. BUT I'LL AX AT THE BAR, SORR!!" Illustration: Anything for a Change. =Artist= (_to Old Fellow-Student_). "AND WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL THESE YEARS,--WHAT ARE YOU PAINTING?" =Swell.= "OH, I GAVE UP PAINTING, MY DEAR FELLOW--THEN I TOOK TO TEACHING! BUT YOU CAN'T FIND PUPILS IN GENIUS, YOU KNOW, SO NOW I GO IN FOR ART CRITICISM! I KNOW I'M STRONG IN THAT! DID YOU SEE MY ARTICLE IN THIS WEEK'S 'NOW A DAYS?'" Illustration: Appearances. =Plushington.= "I SAY, STODGE, SINGULAR THING--YOUR LANDLADY ADDRESSED ME 'MY LORD' WHEN I ASKED IF YOU WERE WITHIN!" =Artist.= "NOT AT ALL, MY DEAR FELLOW. IT'S YOUR HAT AND PERSONAL APPEARANCE! IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE'LL ENCOURAGE THE IDEA. IT WILL GIVE HER CONFIDENCE IN ME, AND----EH?" _Plushington will be delighted._ Illustration: From One Point of View. SCENE--_British Jury Room. All agreed on their Verdict except_---- =Irish Juryman= (_who holds out_). "AH, THIN, ILIV'N MORE OBSTINIT' MEN I NIVIR MET IN ALL ME LOIFE!!" Illustration: Our Art-School Conversazione AT WHICH (IN CONSEQUENCE OF THE INCREASED SPACE ANTICIPATED AT THE R. A. EXHIBITION) THERE IS A GREATER CROWD THAN USUAL. =Model= (_who has charge of the Hats and Coats_). "NO. 97? YESSIR. THERE NOW! IF I DIDN'T SEE THAT 'AT--AH--NOT A QUARTER OF AN HOUR AGO!!" _Not a very satisfactory look-out for Bouncefield, who has barely time to catch his last train!_ Illustration: Between Two Shoeblacks We Fall to, &c. =First Shoeblack.= "I COTCHED 'OLD ON 'IM FUST!" =Second Ditto.= "YOU'RE A ----!" _Old Gentleman is flung heavily._ Illustration: Im-pertinent. =Stout Gent.= (_naturally suspicious of the Street Boy_). "GE' OUT O' MY WAY, YOU YOUNG RASCAL!" =Street Boy.= "VICH VAY ROUND, GOV'NOUR?" Illustration: Register! Register!! =Aunt Sophy.= "NOW SUPPOSE, GEORGE, AS A SINGLE WOMAN I SHOULD HAVE MY NAME PUT ON THE REGISTER, WHAT SHOULD I GET BY IT?" =Pet Nephew.= "OH, A GOOD DEAL. YOU'D BE ALLOWED TO SERVE ON CORONER JURIES, COMMON JURIES, ANNOYANCE JURIES, PAY POWDER TAX AND ARMORIAL BEARINGS, ACT AS PARISH BEADLE AND NIGHT CONSTABLE OF THE CASUAL WARD, AND INSPECTOR OF NUISANCES, REPORT ON FEVER DISTRICTS, AND ALL JOLLY THINGS OF THAT SORT." Illustration: "Not Proven." =Presbyterian Minister.= "DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S WICKED TO CATCH FISH ON THE SAWBATH!?" =Small Boy= (_not having had a rise all the Morning_). "WHA'S CATCHIN' FESH?!" Illustration: An Evening's Fishing (Behind the Distillery at Sligo). =First Factory Lad.= "DOM'NICK, DID YOU GET E'ER A BITE AT ALL?" =Second Ditto.= "SORRA WAN, PAT. ONLY WAN SMALL WAN!" =First Ditto.= "YERRAD! LAVE IT THERE, AN' COME HOME. SHURE YOU'LL GET MORE THAN THAT IN BED!" Illustration: "The Harp in the Air." =Irish Gentleman= (_who has vainly endeavoured to execute a Jig to the fitful Music of the Telegraph Wires_). "SHURE! WHOIVER Y'ARE YE CAN'T PLAY A BIT! HOW CAN A JINTLEMAN DANCE--(_hic!_)--IV YE DON'T KAPE THIME?"!! Illustration: Irish Ideal of Themis. =Biddy= (_to Pat in charge about a difficulty_). "NEVER FEAR, PAT! SHURE Y'AVE GOT AN UPRIGHT JIDGE TO THRY YE!" =Pat.= "AH, BIDDY DARLIN', THE DIVEL AN UPRIGHT JIDGE I WANT! 'TIS WONE THAT'LL _LANE_ A LITTLE!!" Illustration: "Canny." =First North Briton.= "'T'S A FINE DAY, THIS?" =Second Ditto.= "NO ILL, AVA." =First North Briton.= "YE'LL BE TRAVELLIN'?" =Second Ditto.= "WEEL, MAYBE I'M NO." =First North Briton.= "GAUN T'ABERDEEN, MAYBE?" =Second Ditto.= "YE'RE NO FAUR AFF'T!!" _Mutually satisfied, each goes his respective way._ Illustration: _Irish Architecture._ =Angler= (_in Ireland_). "HULLO, PAT, WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT NOW?" =Pat.= "SHURE, I'M RAISIN' ME ROOF A BIT, YER HONOUR-R!!" Illustration: _Thrift_. =Peebles Body= (_to Townsman who was supposed to be in London on a visit_). "E--EH, MAC! YE'RE SUNE HAME AGAIN!" =Mac.= "E--EH, IT'S JUST A RUINOUS PLACE, THAT! MUN, A HAD NA' BEEN THE-ERRE ABUNE TWA HOOURS WHEN--_BANG_--WENT _SAXPENCE_!!!" Illustration: _Scruples._ =English Tourist= (_having arrived at Greenock on Sunday morning_). "MY MAN, WHAT'S YOUR CHARGE FOR ROWING ME ACROSS THE FRITH?" =Boatman.= "WEEL, SIR, I WAS JIST THINKIN' I CANNA BREAK THE SAWBATH-DAY FOR NO LESS THAN F'FTEEN SHULL'N'S!!" Illustration: A Bad Season. =Sportsman.= "I CAN ASSURE YOU, WHAT WITH THE RENT OF THE MOOR, AND MY EXPENSES, AND 'WHAT NOT,' THE BIRDS HAVE COST ME--AH--A SOVEREIGN APIECE!!" =Keeper.= "A' weel, Sir! 'Deed it's a Maircy ye didna Kill na mair o' 'em!!" Illustration: "Familiarity breeds Contempt." =Keeper= (_who wants to drive the Pheasants to the Squire's corner_). "HOOO-O-O-SH! HERE, BILL, COME HERE! THEY 'ON'T GET UP FOR ME! THEY KNOW ME TOO WELL!" Illustration: Intelligent! =Artist= (_who thinks he has found a good Model for his TOUCHSTONE_.) "HAVE YOU ANY SENSE OF HUMOUR, MR. BINGLES?" =Model.= "THANK Y' SIR, NO, SIR, THANK Y'. I ENJ'YS PRETTY GOOD 'EALTH, SIR, THANK Y' SIR!" Illustration: The "Nimble Ninepence." =City Gent= (_after a critical Inspection_). "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR THAT MOONLIGHT?" =Picture-Dealer.= "I'LL SHELL YER THE TWO A BARGAIN, SHIR! CHEAP ASH DIRT, SHIR! SHEVENTY-FIVE GUINEASH APEICSHE, SHIR! I'LL WARRANT 'EM UNDOUBTED SMETHERS'S. SHEVENTY-FIVE----" =City Gent.= "O, COME, I DON'T MIND GIVING YOU--THIRTY SHILLINGS FOR THE PAIR." =Picture-Dealer= (_closing with alacrity_). "DONE! WITH YOU, SHIR!!" _City Gent is in for 'em!_ Illustration: Menace. =Little Angler= (_to her refractory Bait_). "KEEP STILL, YOU TIRESOME LITTLE THING! IF YOU DON'T LEAVE OFF SKRIGGLING, I'LL THROW YOU AWAY, AND TAKE ANOTHER!" Illustration: "A Thing of Beauty." =Visitor.= "WELL, GEORGE, AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN TO BE, WHEN YOU HAVE GROWN UP?" =George= (_promptly_). "AN ARTIST!" =Visitor.= "WELL, THEN, YOU SHALL PAINT MY PORTRAIT." =George.= "AH! BUT I MEAN TO PAINT PRETTY THINGS!!" Illustration: Mixed Pickles. =Domestic= (_in terrified accents_). "O, MUM, HERE'S MASTER PLANTAG'N'T, 'M, HAS BEEN AND BROKE HIS GRAN'PA'S INK-BOTTLE IN THE LIB'ARY, AND CUT HIS FINGER DREADFUL, 'M!!" =Grandmamma's Darling= (_gleefully alluding to his Nasal Organ_). "AND GOT A MARBLE UP BY DOZE, GRA'DBA'!!" Illustration: The Trials of a District Visitor. =The Honourable Miss Fuzbuz= (_loq._). "IS MRS. HIGGINS WITHIN?" =Mrs. Tomkins.= "I'LL CALL 'ER, M'UM." (_At the top of her Voice._) "MRS. 'IG----GINS! ERE'S THE PERSON WITH THE TRAC'S!" (_To the Honourable Miss._) "THE LADY WILL BE DOWN PRESENTLY, M'UM!!" Illustration: Legitimate Criticism. =Aged Village Matron= (_to Sympathising Visitor_). "IT'S A 'COOKERY BOOK,' AS MRS. PENEWISE, OUR 'DISTRICT LADY,' GIVE ME THIS CHRISTMAS, MISS. I'D A DEAL SOONER A' HAD THE INGRIDDIMENTS, MISS!!" Illustration: "The Servants." =Old Lady.= "THEY'RE ALL ALIKE, MY DEAR. THERE'S OUR SUSAN (IT'S TRUE SHE'S A DISSENTER), BUT I'VE ALLOWED HER TO GO TO CHAPEL THREE TIMES EVERY SUNDAY SINCE SHE HAS LIVED WITH ME, AND I ASSURE YOU SHE DOESN'T COOK A BIT BETTER THAN SHE DID THE FIRST DAY!!" Illustration: Pleasant for Simpkins! =Photographer= (_to Mr. Simpkins_). "KEEP YOUR HEAD STEADY, PLEASE, SIR, AND LOOK IN THE DIRECTION OF THOSE YOUNG LADIES. STEADY NOW, SIR! DON'T WINK, SIR!" =Mrs. S.= (_by a look that Mr. S. quite understood_). "JUST LET ME SEE HIM WINK!!" Illustration: A Misnomer. =Country Valetudinarian.= "AH YES, MU'M, I'VE HAD THE 'LUMBAGER TURR'BLE BAD, MU'M! 'KETCHES ME IN THE _SMALL_ O' THE BACK 'ERE, MU'M!!" Illustration: "Winkles!" =Philanthropic Coster'= (_who has been crying "Perry-wink--wink--wink!" till he's hoarse--and no buyers_). "I WONDER WHAT THE P'OR UNFORT'NATE CREETERS IN THESE 'ERE LOW NEIGHB'R'OODS DO LIVE ON!!" Illustration: "The Last (Co-operative) Feather." '=My Lady.=' "JUST TAKE AND TIE UP A COUPLE OF THOSE SACKS BEHIND THE CARRIAGE, JAMES. THERE'LL BE ROOM, IF ONE OF YOU RIDES ON THE BOX!!" Illustration: Disaffection! =Adjutant.= "What's the Matter, Drum-Major?" =Drum-Major.= "Please, Sir, the Drums is in a state of Mutiny, and these are the Ringleaders!!" Illustration: Zoology. =Railway Porter= (_to Old Lady travelling with a Menagerie of Pets_). "'STATION MASTER SAY, MUM, AS CATS IS 'DOGS,' AND RABBITS IS 'DOGS,' AND SO'S PARROTS; BUT THIS ERE 'TORTIS' IS A INSECT, SO THERE AIN'T NO CHARGE FOR IT!" Illustration: Extortion. =Porter, S. E. R.= "TICKET FOR MUSICAL INSTRUMENT, PLEASE, SIR." =Amateur Violoncellist= (_who never travels without his bass, indignantly_). "WHAT! PAY FOR THIS? I'VE NEVER HAD TO PAY ON ANY OTHER LINE. THIS IS MY 'CELLO!" =Porter= (_calmly_). "NOT PERSONAL LUGGAGE, SIR. ALL THE SAME IF YOU'D A HURDY-GURDY, SIR!!" _Our Amateur's feelings are too much for him._ Illustration: "Any Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves?" =Little Flora= (_in great distress_). "OH, MAMMA, LOOK HERE! JACK SAYS IT'S AUNT FANNY! SHE'S GOT ON HER BEAUTIFUL BALL-DRESS WITH THE ROSES ON IT, AND SHE'S _STUCK IN THE CHIMNEY_!" Illustration: Compliments of the Season. =Fond Parent.= "I HOPE YOU WILL BE VERY CAREFUL, MR. STIMPSON. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO CUT THEIR HAIR MYSELF." =Mr. Stimpson.= "SO I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT, MADAM!" Illustration: On the Face of It. =Pretty Teacher.= "NOW, JOHNNY WELLS, CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT IS MEANT BY A MIRACLE?" =Johnny.= "YES, TEACHER. MOTHER SAYS IF YOU DUN'T MARRY NEW PARSON, 'TWULL BE A MURRACLE!" Illustration: Obvious Initiative. (_A lively Native of the Deep Sea seizes hold of a Shepherd's Dog by the Tail, who makes off as fast as he can._) =Fishmonger= (_in a rage_). "WHUSTLE ON YER DOG, MUN!" =Highlander= (_coolly_). "WHUSTLE ON M' DOG? NA, NA, FRIEND! WHUSTLE YOU ON YOUR _PARTAN_!!" Illustration: Driving a Bargain. =Economical Drover.= "A TEECK'T TAE FAA'KIRK." =Polite Clerk.= "FIVE-AND-NINEPENCE, PLEASE." =Drover.= "AH'LL GIE YE FIVE SHILLINGS!" =Clerk= (_astonished_). "EH!" =Drover=. "WEEL, AH'LL GIE YE FIVE-AN'-THRIPPENCE, AN' DEIL A BAWBEE MAIR! IS'T A BARGAIN?!" Illustration: Candid. =Tam= (_very dry, at door of Country Inn, Sunday Morning_). "AYE, MAN, YE MICHT GIE ME A BIT GILL OOT IN A BOTTLE!" =Landlord= (_from within_). "WEEL, YE KEN, TAMMAS, I DAURNA SELL ONYTHING THE DAY. AND FORBYE YE GOT A HALF-MUTCHKIN AWA' WI' YE LAST NICHT (AFTER HOORS TAE); IT CANNA BE A' DUNE YET!" =Tam.= "DUNE! LOSH, MAN, D'YE THINK A' COULD SLEEP AN' WHUSKEY I' THE HOOSE?!" Illustration: An Irish Model. =Mrs. Magillicuddy= (_to her Daughter_). "WHY, WHY, ROSEEN! WHAT'S BEEN DELAYIN' YE? WHY! AND ME WAITIN' THIS HOUR PAST TO COME IN WID THE MILK!" =Rose.= "O, SURE, THIN, MOTHER DEAR, ON ME WAY BACK FROM THE MEADA' I MET SUCH A DARLIN' ENGLISH JINTLEMAN--A RALE ARTIST. WHY, AND HE AXED ME TO ALLOW HIM TO TAKE ME LANDSKIP; AND O, MOTHER MAVRONE, IT'S A WONDER HOW LIKE ME HE'S MED IT, GLORY BE TO THE SAINTS!" Illustration: A Benediction! =Irish Beggarwoman= (_to our friend, Dr. O'Gorman, whose Nose is of the shortest_). "WON'T YE GIVE ME A COPPER, DOCTHER DEAR? THEY, NOW, IF YE HAVEN'T WAN PENNY CONVANIENT!--AND MAY THE BLISSED SAINTS INCRASE YE!" =Dr. O'Gorman.= "STAND ASIDE, MY GOOD WOMAN. I'VE NOTHING FOR YOU." =Beggarwoman.= "O, THIN, THE LARD PRESARVE YER EYESIGHT, FOR THE DIVIL A NOSE YE HAVE TO MOUNT THE 'SPECS' UPON!!" Illustration: Mrs. Frummage's Birthday Dinner-Party. =Mrs. F.= ("_coming from behind the Screen, sneakin' just like her_"). "THERE! OH YOU GOODFORNOTHING BOY, NOW I'VE FOUND YOU OUT. HOW DARE YOU TOUCH THE WINE, SIR?" =Robert.= "PLEASE 'M, I WAS--I WAS ONLY JUST A GOIN' TO WISH YOURS AN' MASTER'S WERY GOOD 'EALTH 'M!" Illustration: Confession. =Old Lady= (_who can't stand her Page's destructive carelessness any longer_). "NOW, ROBERT, I WANT YOU CLEARLY TO UNDERSTAND THE REASON I PART WITH YOU. CAN YOU TELL ME?" =Robert= (_affected to tears_). "YES, 'M." =Old Lady.= "WHAT, ROBERT?" =Robert.= "'CAUSE I'M--(_SNIFF_)--'CAUSE I'M--'CAUSE I'M _SO UGLY_!!" Illustration: A Stroke of Business. =Village Hampden= (_"who with dauntless breast" has undertaken, for sixpence, to keep off the other boys_). "IF ANY OF YER WANTS TO SEE WHAT WE'RE A PAINTIN' OF, IT'S A 'ALFPENNY A 'EAD, BUT YOU MARN'T MAKE NO REMARKS." Illustration: Proper Reproof. =Fussy Party.= "WHY DON'T YOU TOUCH YOUR HAT TO ME, BOY?" =Country Boy.= "SO I WUL I' YEAOU'LL HOWD THE CA-ALF!" Illustration: Little and Good. =Gentleman.= "WHO DO THESE PIGS BELONG TO, BOY?" '=Chaw.=' "WHY, THIS 'ERE OWD ZOW." =Gentleman.= "YES, YES; BUT I MEAN WHO'S THEIR MASTER?" '=Chaw.=' "WHY, THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN; HE'S A VARMUN TO FOIGHT!" Illustration: "Mistakes Will Happen." =Mamma= (_alarmed_). "WHAT IS IT, MY DARLING?" =Pet.= "YA--AH, BOO--OOH--AH!" =Mamma.= "WHAT'S THE MATTER, THEN? COME AND TELL ITS OWN----" =Pet.= "BA--H-OO-H--SHE--SHE DID--WASH ME ONCE--AN'--SAYS--SHE DIDN'T--AN'--SHE'S BEEN--AN' GONE AN' WASHED ME OVER AGAIN!!" Illustration: Brushing Pa's New Hat. =Edith.= "NOW, TOMMY, YOU KEEP TURNING SLOWLY, TILL WE'VE DONE IT ALL ROUND." Illustration: More Than One for His Nob. =Irritable Old Gentleman= (_who is rather particular about his appearance_). "I WISH YOU'D BE CAREFUL. THAT'S THE THIRD OR FOURTH TIME YOU'VE PRICKED ME WITH YOUR SCISSORS!" =Young Man= (_from "Round the Corner"_). "BEG YER PARDON, SIR, BUT THE FACT IS, SIR, I 'AVEN'T BEEN IN THE 'ABIT O' CUTTIN' 'AIR, SIR. WE'RE RATHER SHORT OF 'ANDS, SO----" _Old Gent explodes._ Illustration: A Passage of Arms. =Hairdresser.= "'AIR'S VERY DRY, SIR!" =Customer= (_who knows what's coming_). "I LIKE IT DRY!" =Hairdresser= (_after awhile, again advancing to the attack_). "'EAD'S VERY SCURFY, SIR!" =Customer= (_still cautiously retiring_). "YA-AS, I PREFER IT SCURFY!" _Assailant gives in defeated_ Illustration: Flunkeianum. =Master.= "THOMPSON, I BELIEVE THAT I HAVE REPEATEDLY EXPRESSED AN OBJECTION TO BEING SERVED WITH STALE BREAD AT DINNER. HOW IS IT MY WISHES HAVE NOT BEEN ATTENDED TO?" =Thompson.= "WELL, SIR, I REELY DON'T KNOW WHAT IS TO BE DONE! IT WON'T DO TO WASTE IT, AND WE _CAN'T_ EAT IT DOWN-STAIRS!!" Illustration: _A Dilemma._ =Auxiliary Recruit= (_to himself_). "MURDER! MURDER! WHAT'LL I DO NOW? 'DRILL-SARJINT TOULD ME ALWAYS TO SALUTE ME OFFICER WID THE FAR-OFF HAND, AND HERE'S TWO IV EM! FAIX, I'LL MAKE IT STRAIGHT FOR MESELF ANYHOW!" _Throws up both Hands._ Illustration: _Lessons in the Vacation._ =Public School-man.= "HE-AR, CABBY, WE'LL GIVE YOU EIGHTEEN-PENCE TO TAKE US TO BRIXTON." =Cabby.= "WELL, I GENERALLY DO CARRY CHILDREN 'ALF PRICE, BUT I'M ENGAGED THIS MORNING, GENTS!" Illustration: Wimbledon. =The Irrepressible 'Arry= (_to Swell--Small-bore Man--who has just fired_). "YA--AH! NEVER 'IT IT!!" Illustration: Wimbledon. =Volunteer Mounted Officer= (_Midnight_). "HULLO HERE! WHY DON'T YOU TURN OUT THE GUARD? I'M THE FIELD-OFFICER OF THE DAY!" =Volunteer Sentry.= "THEN WHAT THE DEUCE ARE YOU DOIN' OUT THIS TIME O' NIGHT?" Illustration: A Hardship. =Mistress.= "I THINK, ELIZABETH, I MUST ASK YOU TO GO TO CHURCH THIS AFTERNOON INSTEAD OF THIS MORNING, BECAUSE----" =Elizabeth= (_indignantly_). "WELL, MUM, WHICH IN MY LAST PLACE I WAS NEVER AS'ED TO GO AN' 'EAR A CURATE PREACH!" Illustration: "Like her Impudence." =Missis and the Young Ladies= (_together_). "GOODNESS GRACIOUS, J'MIMA! WHAT HAVE YOU----_WHERE'S_ YOUR CR'N'LIN?" (_This word snappishly._) =Jemima.= "OH 'M, PLEASE 'M, WHICH I UNDERSTOOD AS THEY WAS A GOIN' OUT, 'M----" _Receives warning on the spot._ Illustration: "Too Bad!" =Comic Man= (_in an audible Whisper, while his Friend is "obliging" with "Adelaide"_). "LOOK OUT! HE'S COMING TO THE PASSIONATE PART NOW. YOU'LL SEE HIM WAG HIS SHOULDERS!" Illustration: "It's the Pace that Kills." =Miss Rattleton= (_who means Waltzing_). "OH, I DID NOT SAY 'STOP,' MR. PLUMPLEY." =Mr. Plumpley= (_utterly blown, in gasps_). "'MSURE YOU--MUSTBETIRED----" _And joins the Card-players._ Illustration: The Gamut. =Jack Bowbell= (_beginning his Song_). "'APPY LAND, 'APPY LAND----" =Tom Belgrave.= "ONE MOMENT--EXCUSE ME, MY DEAR FELLOW--BUT DON'T YOU THINK THE SONG WOULD GO BETTER IF YOU WERE TO SOUND YOUR _H_'S JUST A LITTLE?" =Jack Bowbell.= "EH? SOUND MY _H_'S?" (_Chuckles._) "SHOWS HOW MUCH YOU KNOW ABOUT MUSIC!--NO SUCH NOTE--ONLY GOES UP TO _G_!" (_Continues._) "'APPY LAND, 'APPY LAND----" Illustration: _Garrison Instruction._ =Instructor= (_lecturing_). "GENTLEMEN, A THREE-LEGGED TRESTLE IS A TRESTLE WITH THREE LEGS. YOU HAD BETTER MAKE A NOTE OF THAT, GENTLEMEN." (_Intense scribbling._) =General in Embryo= (_but not at present noted for smartness_), _after a pause of some Minutes_. "I BEG YOUR PARDON, MAJOR, BUT HOW MANY LEGS DID YOU SAY THE TRESTLE HAD?" (_Left sitting._) Illustration: Cavalry Criticism. =Adjutant= (_to Riding-Master_). "AH, THERE'S MR. QUICKSTEP!" (_Who had just Exchanged into the Regiment from the Infantry_.) "HOW DOES HE GET ON?" =Riding-Master=. "WELL, SIR, I THINK HE'S THE HOSSIEST GEN'LEMAN AFUT--AND THE FUTTIEST GEN'LEMAN ON A HOS THAT EVER I'VE MET WITH SINCE I'VE BEEN IN THE REG'MENT!" Illustration: "_The Way we Had in the Army._" =Colonel= (_of the pre-Examination period--to studious Sub_). "I SAY, YOUNGSTER, YOU'LL NEVER MAKE A SOLDIER IF YOU DON'T MIND WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT!" =Sub= (_mildly_). "I SHOULD BE SORRY TO THINK THAT, SIR!" =Colonel.= "I SAW YOU SNEAKING UP THE HIGH STREET YESTERDAY, LOOKING LIKE A METHODIST PARSON IN REDUCED CIRCUMSTANCES!--HOLD UP YOUR HEAD, SIR! BUY A STICK, SIR! SLAP YOUR LEG, SIR! AND STARE AT THE GIRLS AT THE WINDOWS!" Illustration: "An Officer and a Gentleman!" =Volunteer Captain= (_bumptiously_). "OFFICER'S TICKET!" =Considerate Clerk=. "GOVER'MENT TARIFF'S HIGH ON THIS LINE, SIR. YOU'D BETTER GO AS A GENTLEMAN! CHEAPER!" _The Captain is shocked, loses his presence of mind, and takes advantage of the suggestion_. Illustration: "The Service going to, &c.!" ENSIGN BROWN SHARES A TENT AT WIMBLEDON WITH HIS FRIEND JONES, PRIVATE IN THE SAME COMPANY. =Ensign Brown=. "OH, I SAY, JO--MR. JONES, THERE'S ONE OF THOSE PEGS LOOSE. HEM--WILL YOU--I WISH--JUST JUMP OUT, AND MAKE IT FAST!" =Private Jones=. "OH, HANG IT, BR--MR. BROWN! COME, I DON'T MIND TOSSING YOU!!" Illustration: Presence of Mind. =Constables= (_in chorus_). "HOY! HULLO! STOP! TURN BACK THERE! CAN'T COME THROUGH THE PARK!" =Elderly Female= (_in a hurry to catch a train_). "P'LICEMAN, I'M THE _'OME SECRETARY_!!!" =Sergeant of Police= (_taken aback_). "OH, I BEG YOUR PARDON, I'M SURE, MUM! ALL RIGHT--DRIVE ON, CABBY!" _Old Lady saves the train._ Illustration: "Bric a Brac." =Mamma= } { {SAM!" }_together_ {"GOODNESS, GRACIOUS, { =Daughters=} { {PA'!" =Papa= (_who has a passion for Antiques_). "MY DEARS, I THOUGHT IT WOULD DO SO NICELY FOR THE LANDING AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, EH." Illustration: Encouraging. =First Bystander= (_evidently Village Schoolmaster--ignorant set of people generally!_). "DON'T SEEM TO BE MAKING MUCH OF IT, DO 'E?" =Second Bystander= (_you'd have thought him an intelligent Farmer, by the look of him_). "AMMY-TOOR, SEEMIN'LY!!" Illustration: "Fine Art." =Rural Connoisseur.= "HE'S A P'INTIN' TWO PICTUR'S AT ONCE, D' YER SEE? 'BLEST IF I DON'T LIKE THAT THERE LITTLE 'UN AS HE'S GOT HIS THUMB THROUGH, THE BEST!" Illustration: _Our Reserves._ (AUXILIARY FORCES, NORTH OF IRELAND.) =Last Joined Supernumerary.= "NOW, THEN, SENTRY, WHY DON'T YOU SALUTE YOUR OFFICER?" =Militia Sentry= (_old Yankee Irish Veteran, who has been through the "Secesh" War_). "SALUTE, IS IT? DIVEL A SALUTE YOU'LL GET ONTILL YE PAY YER FUTTIN'!!" Illustration: _Badinage._ =Facetious 'Bus-Driver= (_offering to pull up_). "'ERE Y'ARE, SIR. LOOK SHARP, BILL AND 'ELP THE GEN'LEMAN IN WITH HIS LUGGAGE!" =Chimney-Sweep= (_whose self-respect is hurt_) _uses strong language!_ ='Bus-Driver.= "BEG PARD'N, SIR. GEN'LEMAN AIN'T FOR US, BILL. HE'S A LOOKIN' OUT FOR A 'HATLAS. GOIN' TO MADAM TOOSAWD'S, TO 'AVE HIS STATTY DONE IN WAX-WORK!!" Illustration: _Particular to a Hair._ =Irate Major= (_to hairy Sub._). "WHEN NEXT YOU COME ON PARADE, SIR, HAVE THE GOODNESS TO LEAVE THOSE CONFOUNDED WEATHERCOCKS BEHIND YOU!" Illustration: _Chronology._ ='Bus-Driver.= "THEY TELL ME THERE'VE BEEN SOME COINS FOUND IN THESE 'ERE 'EXKYVATIONS THAT 'A BEEN BURIED THERE A MATTER O' FOUR OR FIVE 'UNDRED YEAR!!" =Passenger Friend.= "OH, THAT'S NOTHIN'! WHY, THERE'S SOME IN THE BRI'SH MUSEUM--AH--MORE THAN TWO THOUSAND YEAR OLD!!" ='Bus-Driver= (_after a pause_). "COME, GEORGE, THAT WON'T DO, YER KNOW! 'CAUSE WE'RE ONLY IN EIGHT'N 'UNDRED AN' SIXTY-NINE NOW!!!" Illustration: "_Bus-Measure._" ='Bus-Driver.= "NEVER SEE THE COMET?! WHY, WHEREVER COULD YOU 'A'----" (_Notices Shortness of "Ge'tleman's" hair, &c., and hesitates_). "HOWSOMEVER----" =Passenger= (_relieving his embarrassment_). "WHEREABOUTS WAS IT?" =Driver.= "WELL, I'LL TELL YER. IT WAS ABOUT THE LENGTH O' THIS YERE BUS FROM THE FORRARDEST LEADER IN THE GREAT BEAR!" Illustration: Tricks upon Travellers. =Bonsor= (_down upon little Stannery, who's a great boaster about his "Swell" acquaintance, and his extensive "Travel," and this year especially, down Palestine way_). "DID YOU SEE THE DARDANELLES?" =Stannery.= "EH! THE--EH? OH, YE'--YES! JOLLY FELLARS AS EVER I MET! DINED WITH 'EM AT VIENNAH!" _Little S. has left the Club._ Illustration: Quantity not Quality. =Brown, Senior.= "WELL, FRED, WHAT DID YOU SEE DURING YOUR TRIP ABROAD?" =Brown, Junior.= "AW--'PON M'WORD, 'DON'T KNOW WHAT I SAW 'XACTLY, 'ONLY KNOW I DID MORE BY THREE COUNTRIES, EIGHT TOWNS, AND FOUR MOUNTAINS, THAN SMITH DID IN THE SAME TIME!" Illustration: "A Woman of Business." =Husband= (_who has been on the Continent, and left his Wife some Blank Cheques_). "MY DEAR LOUISA, I FIND YOU HAVE CONSIDERABLY OVERDRAWN AT THE BANK!" =Wife.= "O, NONSENSE, WILLY, HOW CAN THAT BE? WHY, I'VE TWO OF THOSE BLANK CHEQUES LEFT YET!!" Illustration: "Reason in Woman." =Young Wife.= "GEORGE, DEAR, I'VE HAD A TALK WITH THE SERVANTS THIS MORNING, AND I'VE AGREED TO RAISE THEIR WAGES. THEY SAID EVERYTHING WAS SO DEAR NOW--MEAT WAS SO HIGH, AND COALS HAD RISEN TO SUCH A PRICE, AND EVERYTHING----I THOUGHT THIS WAS REASONABLE, BECAUSE I'VE SO OFTEN HEARD YOU COMPLAIN OF THE SAME THING." Illustration: "Our Failures." =Husband.= "I SAY, LIZZIE, WHAT ON EARTH DID YOU MAKE THIS MINT-SAUCE OF?" =Young Wife= (_who has been "helping" Cook_). "PARSLEY, TO BE SURE!" Illustration: "_Where there's a Will there's a Way!_" =Cook.= "PLEASE, 'M, I WISHES TO GIVE WARNING----" =Mistress= (_surprised_). "WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?" =Cook.= "THE FACT IS, MUM, I'M GOING TO GET MARRIED!" =Mistress.= "WHY, COOK, I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE ENGAGED!" =Cook.= "WHICH I HAM NOT AZACTLY ENGAGED AS YET, MUM; BUT I FEELS MYSELF TO BE OF THAT 'APPY DISPOSITION AS I COULD LOVE HANY MAN, MUM!" Illustration: "_Satisfactory!_" =Mistress.= "WELL, JESSIE, I'M GOING INTO NAIRNE, AND WILL SEE YOUR MOTHER. CAN I GIVE HER ANY MESSAGE FROM YOU?" =Jessie= (_her first "place"_). "OU, MEM, YE CAN JUST SAY I'M UNCO' WEEL PLEASED WI' YE!!" Illustration: "_Ha! Ha! The Wooin' O't!_" =Young Mistress= (_gravely; she had seen an affectionate parting at the garden-gate_). "I SEE YOU'VE GOT A YOUNG MAN, JANE!" =Jane= (_apologetically_). "ONLY WALKED OUT WITH HIM ONCE, M'UM!" =Mistress.= "O, BUT I THOUGHT I SAW--DIDN'T YOU--DIDN'T HE--TAKE A KISS, JANE?" =Jane.= "O, M'M, ONLY AS A FRIEND, M'M!!" Illustration: "_The Way we Build now._" =Indignant Houseowner= (_he had heard it was so much cheaper, in the end, to buy your House_). "WH' WHAT'S THE--WHAT AM I!--WHA'--WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE IS THE MEANING OF THIS, MR. SCAMPLING!?" =Local Builder.= "T' TUT, TUT! WELL, SIR, I 'SPECTS SOME ONE'S BEEN A-LEANIN' AGIN IT!!" Illustration: "In the Long Run." =Town Gent.= "NOW DO YOU FIND KEEPING POULTRY ANSWERS?" =Country Gent= (_lately retired_). "O, 'ES, S'POSED TO ANSWER. Y' SEE THERE'S THE ORIGINAL COST OF THE FOWLS--'F COURSE THE FOOD GOES DOWN TO ME, Y' KNOW. WELL, THEN, I PURCHASE THE EGGS FROM THE CHILDREN, AND THEY EAT THEM!!!" Illustration: Rather too Literal. =Country Gentleman= (_in a rage_). "WHY, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO, YOU IDIOT! YOU'VE LET HIM DOWN, AND----" =New Groom.= "YES, YER HONNER, YE TOULD ME TO BREAK HIM; AN' BRUK HE IS, KNEES AN' ALL, WORSE LUCK!" Illustration: "Bon Voyage!" =Mossu= (_shot into a nice soft loam_) _exultingly_. "A--HA--A! I AM SAFE O-VERE! NOW IT IS YOUR TURN, MEESTER TIMBRE JOMPRE! COME ON, SABE!" Illustration: "Fiat Experimentum," &c. =The Rector.= "GOOD MORNING, MRS. SMITHERS. HOW'S THE BABY? ISN'T IT RATHER EARLY TO BRING HIM TO CHURCH? DON'T YOU THINK HE'LL BE RESTLESS?" =Mrs. Smithers.= "O, NO, SIR, HE'LL BE QUIET, SIR, WHICH WE TOOK HIM TO THE METHODIS' CHAPEL LAST SUNDAY O' PURPOSE TO TRY HIM, SIR!" Illustration: Irreverent. =Policeman= (_on the occasion of our "Confirmation"_). "STOP! STOP! GO BACK! YOU MUSTN'T COME IN HERE! WE'RE EXPECTIN' O' THE BISHOP EVERY MINUTE!" =Cabby= (_fortissimo_). "ALL RIGHT! WHY'VE GOT THE OLD BUFFER INSIDE!" Illustration: Wet and Dry. =Careful Wife.= "ARE YOU VERY WET, DEAR?" =Ardent Angler= (_turning up his flask_). "NO; DRY AS A LIME-KILN--HAVEN'T HAD A DROP THESE TWO HOURS!" Illustration: "_Not so Fast!_" =Old Gent.= (_soliloquising, in the Wilds of Glenmuchie_). "AH, WELL, THIS IS VERY JOLLY! WEALTH'S A GREAT BLESSING--NOT THAT I'M A RICH MAN--BUT AFTER THE TURMOIL AND WORRY OF BUSINESS, TO BE ABLE TO RETIRE TO THESE CHARMING SOLITUDES, THE SILENCE ONLY BROKEN BY THE GRATEFUL SOUNDS OF THE RIPPLING STREAM ('BURN,' I MEAN. AH! I NEARLY HAD HIM THEN!), AND THE HUM OF THE BEE! TO BE ABLE TO LEAVE LONDON AND ITS TIRESOME MILLIONS, AND FORGET ALL THE LOW----" =Voice from the Bridge= (_the ubiquitous "'Arry"_). "COULD YER 'BLIGE US WITH A WORM, GOV'NOUR?"!! Illustration: Banting in the Yeomanry. =Troop-Sergeant Major.= "IT COMES TO THIS, CAPTAIN, 'A MUN E'THER HEV' A NEW JACKET OR KNOCK OFF ONE O' MY MEALS!" Illustration: Something from the Provinces. =Excursionist= (_politely_). "CAN YOU KINDLY DIRECT ME THE NEAREST WAY TO SLAGLEY?" =Powerful Navvy.= "AH CAN POONCH TH' HEAD O' THEE!" _Excursionist retires hastily._ Illustration: "Ways and Means." =First Country Gentleman.= "'MEAN HUNTING THIS WINTER, CHARLIE?" =Second Country Gentleman= (_doubtfully_). "'SHALL TRY AND 'WORK' IT." =First Country Gentleman.= "HOW?" =Second Country Gentleman.= "GIVE UP THE UNDER-NURSE, I THINK." Illustration: Blank Firing. =Ancient Sportsman= (_whose Sight is not what it used to be_). "PICK 'EM UP, JAMES, PICK 'EM UP! WHY DON'T YOU PICK 'EM UP?" =Veteran Keeper.= "'CAUSE THERE BEAN'T ANY DOWN, MY LORD!" CONTENTS. PAGE Adjustment 25 A Fortiori 110 Alarming 44 Alma Mater 50 Angling Extraordinary 81 Answer, a Soft 22 Anything for a Change 118 Appeal, a Final 37 Appearances 118 Arbiter Elegantiarum 35 Arcadian Amenities 56 Archery Meeting, the 76 Architecture (Irish) 123 Argumentum ad Hominem 21 Artful--Very! 57 Artist, Our 54 Art-School Conversazione, Our 119 As Well as can be Expected 46 Awkward! 75, 108 Badinage 146 Bagpipes and Classical Music 56 Banting in the Yeomanry 155 Bargain, Driving a 132 Barometrical 14 Beard Movement, the 106 Beauty, a Thing of 126 Benediction! a 133 Bereaved 96 Between two Shoeblacks we fall, &c. 120 Bird Show, the 5 Birthday Dinner-Party, Mrs. Frummage's 134 Blank Firing 155 Bon Voyage! 100, 152 Boon Companions 96 Boxing-Day 55 Boys, those Dreadful 80 Breaking the Ice 24, 156 Bric a Brac 144 Brother Brush 84 Brushing Pa's New Hat 136 Business! 69 " a Stroke of 135 Bus-Measure 147 By the Card 41 Candid 132 Canny 68, 122 Casual Acquaintance, a 43 Catechism under Difficulties 78 Cavalry Criticism 142 Chaff 31 Change for the Better, a , 65 Character, a Satisfactory 98 Chronology 147 Circumlocutory! 43 Civil Servants, H. M., What they have to Endure 117 Civil Service Miseries 49 Club Law 94 Colloquial Equivalents 65 Commissariat, the 69 Comparisons 73 Compliment, a 47 Complimentary 39 Compliments of the Season 82, 85, 131 Compliments of the (Sketching) Season 84 Concert, the Morning 97 Conclusive 58 Confederate, a Treacherous 23 Confession 134 " in Confusion 18 Confidence, in 93 Connoisseur, the 16 Connoisseurs, the 60 Conscience, a Guilty 74 Conscience Clause, the 101 Considerate 52 Convalescent, the 74 Cool Card, a 97 Cricket 23 Criticism, Considerate 109 " Legitimate 127 Culture for the Working Classes 43 Cure, a Perfect 45 Curious 118 Customer, Bad 2 Dear, Dear Boy! 83 Decimals on Deck 13 Definition, a 70 Degenerate Son, a 25 Delicacy 40 Delicately Put 73 Depression 86 Desperate Case! 25, 100 Dignity 1, 102 Dilemma, a 20, 91, 138 Dinners, Little, How we arrange our 58 Disaffection! 125 Dish, a New 53 Distinction, a 51 Distracting 47 District Visitor, Trials of a 127 Durance 3 Duty and Pleasure 69 Education! 23, 101 Embarrassing 50 Encouraging! 90, 145 Equal to the Situation 74 Exchange! 25 Excuse, a Perfect 107 Exempli Gratia 102 Extenuating Circumstances 70 Extortion 130 Fahrenheit 107 Failing, a Little 60 Failures, Our 149 Familiarity breeds Contempt 124 Family Man, a 15 Family Pride 1 Family Ties 8 Feather, the last (Co-operative) 125 Fiat Experimentum 153 Fine Art 145 Finishing Touch, the 109 Fish, a Big 56 Fishing, an Evening's (behind the Distillery at Sligo) 121 Flattering 72 Flunkeianum 137 For Better for Worse 7 Game (a) Two can Play at 13 Gamut, the 141 Garrison Instruction 142 Grandiloquence 77 Gratitude 93 Grey Mare, the 58 Gentility in Greens 9 Geology 96 Golden Age Restored, the 63 Habit, Force of 50 " a Luxurious 63 Ha! Ha! the Wooin' o' it 150 Happy Thought 82 Hard Lines 35 Hardship, a 140 Hard-up on a Wet Day 99 Harp in the Air, the 122 Heresy 42 He thought he was Safe 108 Hibernian Veracity 111 High Life below Stairs! 94 Hoist with his own Pomade 47 Hunting Appointments 89 Hunting Idiot 54 Hygiene 108 Hyperbole 88 Ignorance, Crass 10 Im-pertinent 120 Incidit in Scyllam, &c. 117 Incombinable Elements 99 Ingenuas Didicisse, &c. 36 Ingenuity, Irish 12 In the Long Run 151 Initiative, Obvious 132 Inspection, Our 89 Intelligent! 129 In Vino Memoria 78 Io Bacche! 60 Irish Grievances, Real 88 Irreverent 153 Irrevocable 55 Is it Pos-sible?! 31 It's an Ill Wind, &c. 90 It's the Pace that Kills 141 Jeopardy, in 41 Just in Time 17 Knowledge, Pursuit of 95 Labour, Division of 38 Lapsus Linguae 76 Last Word, the 91 Le Jeu ne vaut pas la Chandelle 28 Lessons in the Vacation 138 Let Well alone! 28 Levelling Up 77 Liberal to a Fault 48 Like her Impudence 140 Lingua East Anglia 62 Little and Good 135 Look before you Leap 27 Lucid! 26 Lucus a Non, &c. 88 Luxury, Seasonable 22 Making Things Pleasant 81 Mal Apropos 18 Manners! 116 Manoeuvres, Our 19, 59 March of Refinement 2 Master of the Situation?! 116 Matter! 37 Meat Supply, the 66 Menace 126 Men were Deceivers ever 49 Mens Conscia 1 Mercies, Small, (not) Thankful for 39 Military Manoeuvres 19 Mind and Matter 79 Mine of Speculation, a 21 Misnomer, a 128 Mistakes will Happen 136 Mistletoe Bough, Oh the 42 Model, an Irish 133 More than one for his Nob 137 M. P., a Pledged 4 Music in the Midlands 106 Music of the Future--Sensation Opera 94 Mystery solved, the 3 Mystification 71 Nae that Fou! 110 Narcotic, a 15 Natural Advantages 113 Nature and Art 113 Never say 'Die' 36 Nimble Ninepence, the 129 No accounting for Taste 64 Noblesse oblige! 105 No Mistake, this Time 27 No such Luck 30 Not Proven 121 Not so Fast! 154 Not to put too fine a Point on it 36 Obliging 71 Off! 38 Offender, an Old 55 Offer, a Fair 111 Officer (an) and a Gentleman! 143 Once for All 92 On the Face of it 131 Order, an Extensive 30 Ornaments for your Fire-Stoves 131 Panic in the Kitchen, a 32 Parthian Shaft, a 115 Particular! 34, 90 " to a Hair 147 Partner, Vivifying Treatment of a 34 Passage of Arms, a 137 Penny Wise 46 Perils of the Deep 4 Personal! 100 Perspective! 79 Pet, Intelligent 3 Pickles, Mixed 126 Pic-nic, the 57 Pink of Fashion, the 5 Plain to Demonstration 9 Pleasant for Simpkins! 128 Pleasuring! 107 Plutocrat, a 37 Point of View, a 87 Point of View, from one 119 Poor Humanity! 7 Precise 29 Presence of Mind 144 Prevention's better than Cure 8 Profanation 80 Proof Positive 32 Prospect, a Pleasant 67, 85 Prospect, a Nice 95 Provinces, Something from the 155 Prudence, Common 6 Pulpit-Critics, Stern 68 Qualifications 33 Quantity, not Quality 148 Quite another Thing 111 Quite Superfluous 105 Races not yet Extinct 20 Rather too Literal 152 Ready! 83 Reason in Woman 149 Reassuring 67, 112 Reductio ad Absurdum 86 Refrigerated Tourists 2 Refusal, a Rash 73 Register! Register! 120 Relapse 97 Reminiscences 46 Reproof, Proper 135 Res Angustae Domi 11 Reserves, Our--the Battle of Amesbury 59 " Auxiliary Forces, North of Ireland 146 Restraints of Society 114 Retributive Justice 41 Revenge for the Union, More 13 Riding Lesson, the 26 Roll-Call, the 9 Romance of the Kitchen 82 Run of the House, the 103 Running Drill, the New 19 Rural Simplicity 78 Rustic Recollections 52 Sacrifice 70 Satisfactory! 150 Sausage Machine, the 16 Scruples 123 Scrupulous 12 Season, a Bad 124 Secrets 115 Selling him a Pennyworth 65 Sermon, the First 24 Servants, the 35, 40, 104, 127 Service (the) going to, &c. 143 Shocking! 156 Silence is Golden 14 Silly Suffolk (?) Pastorals--Reciprocity 76 Silver Lining to a Cloud, not a 53 Simple Addition 114 Simplicity, Sweet 115 Sinister Slip, a 49 Slip o' the Tongue, a 18 Small Mercies 44 Sold--Cheap 64 Son, a Kind 10 " a Degenerate 25 Spoiling it 33 Straightforward View, a 51 Struggle for Existence, the 98 Suit your Talk to your Company 75 Suspicion! 86 Sweet is Revenge--especially to Women! 24 Sympathy 48, 103 Tailors' Strike, in consequence of the 45 Temper, the Triumphs of 6 Temptation 33 Terms, Cash 93 Theatricals, Our 72 The Better the Day, &c. 51 The Way we Build now 151 The Way we had in the Army 143 The Way we Live now 112 The more Haste, the less Speed 87 Themis, Irish Ideal of 122 There's many a Slip 62 Tho' lost to Sight-- 29 Thrift 123 Ticket of Leave, a 66 'Tis better not to Know 30 Too Bad! 141 Too Late 106 Too True! 92 Tourists, Refrigerated 2 Tracts! 66 Trade, State of 27 Travellers, Tricks upon 148 Truth, a Half 7 Trying 5 Turk, a Regular 117 Turn about 81 Two Sides to a Question 85 Tyranny 45 Ulster, the 14 Unconscionable 15 Unprejudiced! 10 Up and Down Stairs 92 Veneration 22 Vested Interests 31 Veteran, a 61 Wages and Wives 95 Warning, Awful 16 Ways and Means 155 Weather, a Change in the 11 Weights and Measures 44 Well Meant 113 Wet and Dry 154 What Next? 104 What's in a Name? 35 What's the Odds? 61 When you are about it 103 Where Ignorance is Bliss &c. 39 Where there's a Will there's a Way! 150 Wimbledon 139 Winkles! 128 Woman-hater, a 102 Woman of Business, a 149 Woman's Rights 68 Words and Weights 17 XXX cellent Reasons 48 Zoology 130 * * * * * * Transcriber's note: The index has been moved from the beginning of the book to the end for the reader's convenience. 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