The Project Gutenberg eBook of A Political Romance This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: A Political Romance Author: Laurence Sterne Release date: January 2, 2007 [eBook #20257] Most recently updated: December 13, 2020 Language: English Credits: Produced by Jerry Kuntz *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A POLITICAL ROMANCE *** Produced by Jerry Kuntz A Political Romance by Laurence Sterne Addressed To _____ ________, Esq; of York. To which is subjoined a KEY. _Ridiculum acri Fortius et melius magnas plerumque secat Res_ YORK: Printed in the Year MDCCLIX. [Price ONE SHILLING.] A POLITICAL ROMANCE, &C. SIR, In my last, for want of something better to write about, I told you what a World of Fending and Proving we have had of late, in this little Village of ours, about an _old-cast-Pair-of-black-Plush-Breeches_, which _John_, our Parish-Clerk, about ten Years ago, it seems, had made a Promise of to one _Trim_, who is our Sexton and Dog-Whipper.—To this you write me Word, that you have had more than either one or two Occasions to know a good deal of the shifty Behaviour of this said Master _Trim_,—and that you are astonished, nor can you for your Soul conceive, how so worthless a Fellow, and so worthless a Thing into the Bargain, could become the Occasion of such a Racket as I have represented. Now, though you do not say expressly, you could wish to hear any more about it, yet I see plain enough that I have raised your Curiosity; and therefore, from the same Motive, that I slightly mentioned it at all in my last Letter, I will, in this, give you a full and very circumstantial Account of the whole Affair. But, before I begin, I must first set you right in one very material Point, in which I have misled you, as to the true Cause of all this Uproar amongst us;—which does not take its Rise, as I then told you, from the Affair of the _Breeches;_—but, on the contrary, the whole Affair of the _Breeches_ has taken its Rise from it:—To understand which, you must know, that the first Beginning of the Squabble was not between _John_ the Parish-Clerk and _Trim_ the Sexton, but betwixt the Parson of the Parish and the said Master Trim, about an old _Watch-Coat_, which had many Years hung up in the Church, which _Trim_ had set his Heart upon; and nothing would serve _Trim_ but he must take it home, in order to have it converted into a _warm Under-Petticoat_ for his Wife, and a _Jerkin_ for himself, against Winter; which, in a plaintive Tone, he most humbly begg’d his Reverence would consent to. I need not tell you, Sir, who have so often felt it, that a Principle of strong Compassion transports a generous Mind sometimes beyond what is strictly right,—the Parson was within an Ace of being an honourable Example of this very Crime;—for no sooner did the distinct Words—_Petticoat—poor Wife—warm—Winter_ strike upon his Ear, but his Heart warmed,—and, before _Trim_ had well got to the End of his Petition, (being a Gentleman of a frank and open Temper) he told him he was welcome to it, with all his Heart and Soul. But, _Trim_, says he, as you see I am but just got down to my Living, and am an utter Stranger to all Parish-Matters, know nothing about this old Watch-Coat you beg of me, having never seen it in my Life, and therefore cannot be a Judge whether ’tis fit for such a Purpose; or, if it is, in Truth, know not whether ’tis mine to bestow upon you or not;—you must have a Week or ten Days Patience, till I can make some Inquiries about it;—and, if I find it is in my Power, I tell you again, Man, your Wife is heartily welcome to an Under-Petticoat out of it, and you to a Jerkin, was the Thing as good again as you represent it. It is necessary to inform you, Sir, in this Place, That the Parson was earnestly bent to serve _Trim_ in this Affair, not only from the Motive of Generosity, which I have justly ascribed to him, but likewise from another Motive; and that was by way of making some Sort of Recompence for a Multitude of small Services which _Trim_ had occasionally done, and indeed was continually doing, (as he was much about the House) when his own Man was out of the Way. For all these Reasons together, I say, the Parson of the Parish intended to serve _Trim_ in this Matter to the utmost of his Power: All that was wanting was previously to inquire, if any one had a _Claim_ to it;—or whether, as it had, Time immemorial, hung up in the Church, the taking it down might not raise a Clamour in the Parish. These Inquiries were the very Thing that _Trim_ dreaded in his Heart—He knew very well that if the Parson should but say one Word to the Church-Wardens about it, there would be an End of the whole Affair. For this, and some other Reasons not necessary to be told you, at present, _Trim_ was for allowing no Time in this Matter;—but, on the contrary, doubled his Diligence and Importunity at the Vicarage-House;—plagued the whole Family to Death;—pressed his Suit Morning, Noon, and Night; and, to shorten my Story, teazed the poor Gentleman, who was but in an ill State of Health, almost out of his Life about it. You will not wonder, when I tell you, that all this Hurry and Precipitation, on the Side of Master _Trim_, produced its natural Effect on the Side of the Parson, and that was, a Suspicion that all was not right at the Bottom. He was one Evening sitting alone in his Study, weighing and turning this Doubt every Way in his Mind; and, after an Hour and a half’s serious Deliberation upon the Affair, and running over _Trim_’s Behaviour throughout,—he was just saying to himself, _It must be so;_—when a sudden Rap at the Door put an End to his Soliloquy,—and, in a few Minutes, to his Doubts too; for a Labourer in the Town, who deem’d himself past his fifty-second Year, had been returned by the Constable in the Militia-List,—and he had come, with a Groat in his Hand, to search the Parish Register for his Age.—The Parson bid the poor Fellow put the Groat into his Pocket, and go into the Kitchen:—Then shutting the Study Door, and taking down the Parish Register,—_Who knows_, says he, _but I may find something here about this self-same Watch-Coat?_—He had scarce unclasped the Book, in saying this, when he popp’d upon the very Thing he wanted, fairly wrote on the first Page, pasted to the Inside of one of the Covers, whereon was a Memorandum about the very Thing in Question, in these express Words: MEMORANDUM. The great Watch-Coat was purchased and given above two hundred years ago, by the Lord of the Manor, to this Parish-Church, to the sole use and Behoof of the poor sextons thereof, and their Sucessors, for ever, to be Worn by them respectively in wintery cold Nights, in ringing Complines, Passing-Bells, &c. which the said Lord of the manor had done, in Piety, to keep the poor Wretches warm, and for the Good of his own Soul, for Which they were directed to pray, &c. &c. &c. &c. _Just Heaven!_ said the Parson to himself, looking upwards, _What an Escape have I had! Give this for an Under-Petticoat to Trim’s Wife! I would not have consented to such a Desecration to be Primate of all England; nay, I would not have disturb’d a single Button of it for half my Tythes!_ Scarce were the Words out of his Mouth, when in pops _Trim_ with the whole Subject of the Exclamation under both his Arms.—I say, under both his Arms;—for he had actually got it ripp’d and cut out ready, his own Jerkin under one Arm, and the Petticoat under the other, in order to be carried to the Taylor to be made up,—and had just stepp’d in, in high Spirits, to shew the Parson how cleverly it had held out. There are many good Similies now subsisting in the World, but which I have neither Time to recollect or look for, which would give you a strong Conception of the Astonishment and honest Indignation which this unexpected Stroke of _Trim_’s Impudence impress’d upon the Parson’s Looks.—Let it suffice to say, That it exceeded all fair Description,—as well as all Power of proper Resentment,—except this, that _Trim_ was ordered, in a stern Voice, to lay the Bundles down upon the Table,—to go about his Business, and wait upon him, at his Peril, the next Morning at Eleven precisely,:—Against this Hour, like a wise Man, the Parson had sent to desire _John_ the Parish-Clerk, who bore an exceeding good Character as a Man of Truth, and who having, moreover, a pretty Freehold of about eighteen Pounds a Year in the Township, was a leading Man in it; and, upon the whole, was such a one of whom it might be said,—That he rather did Honour to his Office,—than that his Office did Honour to him.—Him he sends for, with the Church-Wardens, and one of the Sides-Men, a grave, knowing, old Man, to be present:—For as _Trim_ had withheld the whole Truth from the Parson, touching the Watch-Coat, he thought it probable he would as certainly do the same Thing to others; though this, I said, was wise, the Trouble of the Precaution might have been spared, —because the Parson’s Character was unblemish’d,—and he had ever been held by the World in the Estimation of a Man of Honour and Integrity.—_Trim_’s Character, on the contrary, was as well known, if not in the World, yet, at least, in all the Parish, to be that of a little, dirty, pimping, pettifogging, ambidextrous Fellow,—who neither cared what he did or said of any, provided he could get a Penny by it.—This might, I say, have made any Precaution needless;—but you must know, as the Parson had in a Manner but just got down to his Living, he dreaded the Consequences of the least ill Impression on his first Entrance amongst his Parishioners, which would have disabled him from doing them the Good he Wished;—so that, out of Regard to his Flock, more than the necessary Care due to himself,—he was resolv’d not to lie at the Mercy of what Resentment might vent, or Malice lend an Ear to.—Accordingly the whole Matter was rehearsed from first to last by the Parson, in the Manner I’ve told you, in the Hearing of _John_ the Parish-Clerk, and in the Presence of _Trim_. _Trim_ had little to say for himself, except “That the Parson had absolutely promised to befriend him and his Wife in the Affair, to the utmost of his Power: That the Watch-Coat was certainly in his Power, and that he might give it him if he pleased.” To this, the Parson’s Reply was short, but strong, “That nothing was in his Power to do, but what he could do _honestly:_—That in giving the Coat to him and his Wife, he should do a manifest Wrong to the next Sexton; the great Watch-Coat being the most comfortable Part of the Place:—That he should, moreover, injure the Right of his own Successor, who would be just so much a worse Patron, as the Worth of the Coat amounted to;—and, in a Word, he declared, that his whole intent in promising that Coat, was Charity to _Trim;_ but _Wrong_ to no Man; that was a Reserve, he said, made in all Cases of this Kind:—and he declared solemnly, _in Verbo Sacerdotis_, That this was his Meaning, and was so understood by _Trim_ himself.” With the Weight of this Truth, and the great good Sense and strong Reason which accompanied all the Parson said upon the Subject,—poor _Trim_ was driven to his last Shift,—and begg’d he might be suffered to plead his Right and Title to the Watch-Coat, if not by _Promise_, at least by _Services_.—It was well known how much he was entitled to it upon these Scores: That he had black’d the Parson’s Shoes without Count, and greased his Boots above fifty Times:—That he had run for Eggs into the Town upon all Occasions;—whetted the Knives at all Hours;—catched his Horse and rubbed him down:—That for his Wife she had been ready upon all Occasions to charr for them;—and neither he nor she, to the best of his Remembrance, ever took a Farthing, or any thing beyond a Mug of Ale.—To this Account of his Services he begg’d Leave to add those of his Wishes, which, he said, had been equally great.—He affirmed, and was ready, he said, to make it appear, by Numbers of Witnesses, “He had drank his Reverence’s Health a thousand Times, (by the bye, he did not add out of the Parson’s own Ale): That he not only drank his Health, but wish’d it; and never came to the House, but ask’d his Man kindly how he did; that in particular, about half a Year ago, when his Reverence cut his Finger in paring an Apple, he went half a Mile to ask a cunning Woman, what was good to stanch Blood, and actually returned with a Cobweb in his Breeches Pocket:—Nay, says _Trim_, it was not a Fortnight ago, when your Reverence took that violent Purge, that I went to the far End of the whole Town to borrow you a Close-stool,—and came back, as my Neighbours, who flouted me, will all bear witness, with the Pan upon my Head, and never thought it too much.” _Trim_ concluded his pathetick Remonstrance with saying, “He hoped his Reverence’s Heart would not suffer him to requite so many faithful Services by so unkind a Return:—That if it was so, as he was the first, so he hoped he should be the last, Example of a Man of his Condition so treated.”—This Plan of _Trim_’s Defence, which _Trim_ had put himself upon,—could admit of no other Reply but a general Smile. Upon the whole, let me inform you, That all that could be said, _pro_ and _con_, on both Sides, being fairly heard, it was plain, That _Trim_, in every Part of this Affair, had behaved very ill;—and _one_ Thing, which was never expected to be known of him, happening in the Course of this Debate to come out against him; namely, That he had gone and told the Parson, before he had ever set Foot in his Parish, That _John_ his Parish-Clerk,—his Church-Wardens, and some of the Heads of the Parish, were a Parcel of Scoundrels.—Upon the Upshot, _Trim_ was kick’d out of Doors; and told, at his Peril, never to come there again. At first _Trim_ huff’d and bounced most terribly;—swore he would get a Warrant;—then nothing would serve him but he would call a Bye-Law, and tell the whole Parish how the Parson had misused him;—but cooling of that, as fearing the Parson might possibly bind him over to his good Behaviour, and, for aught he knew, might send him to the House of Correction,—he let the Parson alone; and, to revenge himself, falls foul upon his Clerk, who had no more to do in the Quarrel than you or I;—rips up the Promise of the old-cast-Pair-of-black-Plush-Breeches, and raises an Uproar in the Town about it, notwithstanding it had slept ten Years.—But all this, you must know, is look’d upon in no other Light, but as an artful Stroke of Generalship in _Trim_, to raise a Dust, and cover himself under the disgraceful Chastisement he has undergone. If your Curiosity is not yet satisfied,—I will now proceed to relate the _Battle_ of the Breeches, in the same exact Manner I have done _that_ of the Watch-Coat. Be it known then, that, about ten Years ago, when _John_ was appointed Parish-Clerk of this Church, this said Master _Trim_ took no small Pains to get into _John_’s good Graces in order, as it afterwards appeared, to coax a Promise out of him of a Pair of Breeches, which _John_ had then by him, of black Plush, not much the worse for wearing;—_Trim_ only begging for God’s Sake to have them bestowed upon him when _John_ should think fit to cast them. _Trim_ was one of those kind of Men who loved a Bit of Finery in his Heart, and would rather have a tatter’d Rag of a Better Body’s, than the best plain whole Thing his Wife could spin him. _John_, who was naturally unsuspicious, made no more Difficulty of promising the Breeches, than the Parson had done in promising the Great Coat; and, indeed, with something less Reserve,—because the Breeches were _John’s own_, and he could give them, without Wrong, to whom he thought fit. It happened, I was going to say unluckily, but, I should rather say, most luckily, for _Trim_, for he was the only Gainer by it;—that a Quarrel, about some six or eight Weeks after this, broke out between _the late_ Parson of the Parish and _John_ the Clerk. Somebody (and it was thought to be Nobody but _Trim_) had put it into the Parson’s Head, “That _John_’s Desk in the Church was, at the least, four Inches higher than it should be:—That the Thing gave Offence, and was indecorous, inasmuch as it approach’d too near upon a Level with the Parson’s Desk itself.” This Hardship the Parson complained of loudly,—and told _John_ one Day after Prayers, “He could bear it no longer:—And would have it alter’d and brought down as it should be.” _John_ made no other Reply, but, “That the Desk was not of his raising:—That ’twas not one Hair Breadth higher than he found it;—and that as he found it, so would he leave it:—In short, he would neither make an Encroachment, nor would he suffer one.” The _late_ Parson might have his Virtues, but the leading Part of his Character was not _Humility;_ so that _John_’s Stiffness in this Point was not likely to reconcile Matters.—This was _Trim_’s Harvest. After a friendly Hint to _John_ to stand his Ground,—away hies _Trim_ to make his Market at the Vicarage: What pass’d there, I will not say, intending not to be uncharitable; so shall content myself with only guessing at it, from the sudden Change that appeared in _Trim_’s Dress for the better;—for he had left his old ragged Coat, Hat and Wig, in the Stable, and was come forth strutting across the Church-yard, y’clad in a good creditable cast Coat, large Hat and Wig, which the Parson had just given him.—Ho! Ho! Hollo! _John!_ cries _Trim_, in an insolent Bravo, as loud as ever he could bawl—See here, my Lad! how fine I am.—The more Shame for you, answered _John_, seriously.—Do you think, _Trim_, says he, such Finery, gain’d by such Services, becomes you, or can wear well?—Fye upon it, _Trim;_—I could not have expected this from you, considering what Friendship you pretended, and how kind I have ever been to you:—How many Shillings and Sixpences I have generously lent you in your Distresses?—Nay, it was but t’other Day that I promised you these black Plush Breeches I have on.—Rot your Breeches, quoth _Trim;_ for _Trim_’s Brain was half turn’d with his new Finery:—Rot your Breeches, says he, —I would not take them up, were they laid at my Door;—give ’em, and be d——d to you, to whom you like; I would have you to know I can have a better Pair at the Parson’s any Day in the Week:—_John_ told him plainly, as his Word had once pass’d him, he had a Spirit above taking Advantage of his Insolence, in giving them away to another:—But, to tell him his Mind freely, he thought he had got so many Favours of that Kind, and was so likely to get many more for the same Services, of the Parson, that he had better give up the Breeches, with good Nature, to some one who would be more thankful for them. Here _John_ mentioned _Mark Slender_, (who, it seems, the Day before, had ask’d _John_ for ’em) not knowing they were under Promise to _Trim_.—“Come, _Trim_, says he, let poor _Mark_ have ’em,—You know he has not a Pair to his. A——: Besides, you see he is just of my Size, and they will fit him to a T; whereas, if I give ’em to you,—look ye, they are not worth much; and, besides, you could not get your Backside into them, if you had them, without tearing them all to Pieces.” Every Tittle of this was most undoubtedly true; for _Trim_, you must know, by foul Feeding, and playing the good Fellow at the Parson’s, was grown somewhat gross about the lower Parts, _if not higher:_ So that, as all _John_ said upon the Occasion was fact, _Trim_, with much ado, and after a hundred Hum’s and Hah’s, at last, out of mere Compassion to Mark, _signs, seals, and delivers up_ all Right, Interest, and Pretentions whatsoever, in and to the said breeches; thereby binding his Heirs, Executors, Administrators, and Assignes, never more to call the said Claim in Question. All this Renunciation was set forth in an ample Manner, to be in pure Pity to _Mark_’s Nakedness;—but the Secret was, _Trim_ had an Eye to, and firmly expected in his own Mind, the great Green Pulpit-Cloth and old Velvet Cushion, which were that very Year to be taken down;—which, by the Bye, could he have wheedled _John_ a second Time out of ’em, as he hoped, he had made up the Loss of his Breeches Seven-fold. Now, you must know, this Pulpit-Cloth and Cushion were not in _John_’s Gift, but in the Church-Wardens, _&c._—However, as I said above, that _John_ was a leading Man in the Parish, _Trim_ knew he could help him to them if he would:—But _John_ had got a Surfeit of him;—so, when the Pulpit-Cloth, &c. were taken down, they were immediately given (_John_ having a great Say in it) to _William Doe_, who understood very well what Use to make of them. As for the old Breeches, poor _Mark Slender_ lived to wear them but a short Time, and they got into the Possession of _Lorry Slim_, an unlucky Wight, by whom they are still worn;—in Truth, as you will guess, they are very thin by this Time:—But _Lorry_ has a light Heart; and what recommends them to him, is this, that, as, thin as they are, he knows that Trim, let him say what he will to the contrary, still envies the _Possessor_ of them,—and, with all his Pride, would be very glad to wear them after _him_. Upon this Footing have these Affairs slept quietly for near ten Years,—and would have slept for ever, but for the unlucky Kicking-Bout; which, as I said, has ripp’d this Squabble up afresh: So that it was no longer ago than last Week, that _Trim_ met and insulted _John_ in the public Town- Way, before a hundred People;—tax’d him with the Promise of the old-cast-Pair-of-black-Breeches, notwithstanding _Trim_’s solemn Renunciation; twitted him with the Pulpit-Cloth and Velvet Cushion,—as good as told him, he was ignorant of the common Duties of his Clerkship; adding, very insolently, That he knew not so much as to give out a common Psalm in Tune.— _John_ contented himself with giving a plain Answer to every Article that _Trim_ had laid to his Charge, and appealed to his Neighbours who remembered the whole Affair;—and as he knew there was never any Thing to be got in wrestling with a Chimney-Sweeper,—he was going to take Leave of _Trim_ for ever.—But, hold,—the Mob by this Time had got round them, and their High Mightinesses insisted upon having _Trim_ tried upon the Spot.—_Trim_ was accordingly tried; and, after a full Hearing, was convicted a second Time, and handled more roughly by one or more of them, than even at the Parson’s. _Trim_, says one, are you not ashamed of yourself, to make all this Rout and Disturbance in the Town, and set Neighbours together by the Ears, about an old-worn-out-Pair-of-cast-Breeches, not worth Half a Crown?—Is there a cast-Coat, or a Place in the whole Town, that will bring you in a Shilling, but what you have snapp’d up, like a greedy Hound as you are? In the first Place, are you not Sexton and Dog-Whipper, worth Three Pounds a Year?—Then you begg’d the Church-Wardens to let your Wife have the Washing and Darning of the Surplice and Church-Linen, which brings you in Thirteen Shillings and Four Pence.—Then you have Six Shillings and Eight Pence for oiling and winding up the Clock, both paid you at _Easter_.—The Pinder’s Place, which is worth Forty Shillings a Year,—you have got that too.—You are the Bailiff, which the late Parson got you, which brings you in Forty Shillings more.—Besides all this, you have Six Pounds a Year, paid you Quarterly for being Mole-Catcher to the Parish.—Aye, says the luckless Wight above-mentioned, (who was standing close to him with his Plush Breeches on) “You are not only Mole-Catcher, _Trim_, but you catch STRAY CONIES too in the _Dark;_ and you pretend a _Licence_ for it, which, I trove, will be look’d into at the next Quarter Sessions.” I maintain it, I have a Licence, says _Trim_, blushing as red as Scarlet:—I have a Licence,—and as I farm a Warren in the next Parish, I will catch Conies every Hour of the Night.—_You catch Conies!_ cries a toothless old Woman, who was just passing by.— This set the Mob a laughing, and sent every Man home in perfect good Humour, except _Trim_, who waddled very slowly off with that Kind of inflexible Gravity only to be equalled by one Animal in the whole Creation,—and surpassed by none, I am, SIR, Yours, &c. &c. FINIS. POSTSCRIPT. I have broke open my Letter to inform you, that I miss’d the Opportunity of sending it by the Messenger, who I expected would have called upon me in his Return through this Village to _York_, so it has laid a Week or ten Days by me. —I am not sorry for the Disappointment, because something has since happened, in Continuation of this Affair, which I am thereby enabled to transmit to you, all under one Trouble. When I finished the above Account, I thought (as did every Soul in the Parish) _Trim_ had met with so thorough a Rebuff from _John_ the Parish-Clerk and the Town’s Folks, who all took against him, that _Trim_ would be glad to be quiet, and let the Matter rest. But, it seems, it is not half an Hour ago since _Trim_ sallied forth again; and, having borrowed a Sow-Gelder’s Horn, with hard Blowing he got the whole Town round him, and endeavoured to raise a Disturbance, and fight the whole Battle over again:—That he had been used in the last Fray worse than a Dog;—not by _John_ the Parish-Clerk,—for I shou’d not, quoth _Trim_, have valued him a Rush single Hands:—But all the Town sided with him, and twelve Men in Buckram set upon me all at once, and kept me in Play at Sword’s Point for three Hours together.—Besides, quoth Trim, there were two misbegotten Knaves in _Kendal Green_, who lay all the while in Ambush in _John_’s own House, and they all sixteen came upon my Back, and let drive at me together.—A Plague, says _Trim_, of all Cowards!—_Trim_ repeated this Story above a Dozen Times;—which made some of the Neighbours pity him, thinking the poor Fellow crack-brain’d, and that he actually believed what he said. After this _Trim_ dropp’d the Affair of the _Breeches_, and begun a fresh Dispute about the _Reading-Desk_, which I told you had occasioned some small Dispute between the _late_ Parson and _John_, some Years ago. This _Reading-Desk_, as you will observe, was but an Episode wove into the main Story by the Bye;—for the main Affair was the _Battle of the Breeches_ and _Great Watch-Coat_.—However, _Trim_ being at last driven out of these two Citadels,—he has seized hold, in his Retreat, of this _Reading-Desk_, with a View, as it seems, to take Shelter behind it. I cannot say but the Man has fought it out obstinately enough;—and, had his Cause been good, I should have really pitied him. For when he was driven out of the _Great Watch-Coat_,—you see, he did not run away;—no, —he retreated behind the _Breeches;_—and, when he could make nothing of it behind the _Breeches_,—he got behind the _Reading-Desk_.—To what other Hold Trim will next retreat, the Politicians of this Village are not agreed.—Some think his next Move will be towards the Rear of the Parson’s Boot;—but, as it is thought he cannot make a long Stand there,—others are of Opinion, That _Trim_ will once more in his Life get hold of the Parson’s Horse, and charge upon him, or perhaps behind him. But as the Horse is not easy to be caught, the more general Opinion is, That, when he is driven out of the _Reading-Desk_, he will make his last Retreat in such a Manner as, if possible, to gain the _Close-Stool_, and defend himself behind it to the very last Drop. If _Trim_ should make this Movement, by my Advice he should be left besides his Citadel, in full Possession of the Field of Battle;—where, ’tis certain, he will keep every Body a League off, and may pop by himself till he is weary: Besides, as _Trim_ seems bent upon _purging_ himself, and may have Abundance of foul Humours to work off, I think he cannot be better placed. But this is all Matter of Speculation.—Let me carry you back to Matter of Fact, and tell you what Kind of a Stand _Trim_ has actually made behind the said _Desk_. “Neighbours and Townsmen all, I will be sworn before my Lord Mayor, That _John_ and his nineteen Men in _Buckram_, have abused me worse than a Dog; for they told you that I play’d fast and go-loose with the _late_ Parson and him, in that old Dispute of theirs about the _Reading-Desk;_ and that I made Matters worse between them, and not better.” Of this Charge, _Trim_ declared he was as innocent as the Child that was unborn: That he would be Book-sworn he had no Hand in it. He produced a strong Witness;—and, moreover, insinuated, that _John_ himself, instead of being angry for what he had done in it, had actually thank’d him. Aye, _Trim_, says the Wight in the Plush Breeches, but that was, _Trim_, the Day before _John_ found thee out.—Besides, _Trim_, there is nothing in that:—For, the very Year that thou wast made Town’s Pinder, thou knowest well, that I both thank’d thee myself; and, moreover, gave thee a good warm Supper for turning _John Lund_’s Cows and Horses out of my Hard-Corn Close; which if thou had’st not done, (as thou told’st me) I should have lost my whole Crop: Whereas, _John Lund_ and _Thomas Patt_, who are both here to testify, and will take their Oaths on’t, That thou thyself wast the very Man who set the Gate open; and, after all,—it was not thee, _Trim_,—’twas the Blacksmith’s poor Lad who turn’d them out: So that a Man may be thank’d and rewarded too for a good Turn which he never did, nor ever did intend. _Trim_ could not sustain this unexpected Stroke;—so _Trim_ march’d off the Field, without Colours flying, or his Horn sounding, or any other Ensigns of Honour whatever. Whether after this _Trim_ intends to rally a second Time, or whether _Trim_ may not take it into his Head to claim the Victory,—no one but _Trim_ himself can inform you:—However, the general Opinion, upon the whole, is this, That, in three several pitch’d Battles, _Trim_ has been so trimm’d, as never disastrous Hero was _trimm’d_ before him. THE KEY. This _Romance_ was, by some Mischance or other, dropp’d in the _Minster-Yard, York_, and pick’d up by a Member of a small Political Club in that City; where it was carried, and publickly read to the Members the last Club Night. It was instantly agreed to, by a great Majority, That it was a _Political Romance;_ but concerning what State or Potentate, could not so easily be settled amongst them. The President of the Night, who is thought to be as clear and quick-lighted as any one of the whole Club in Things of this Nature, discovered plainly, That the Disturbances therein set forth, related to those on the _Continent:_—That _Trim_ could be Nobody but the King of _France_, by whole shifting and intriguing Behaviour, all _Europe_ was set together by the Ears:—That _Trim_’s Wife was certainly the _Empress_, who are as kind together, says he, as any Man and Wife can be for their Lives.—The more Shame for ’em, says an Alderman, low to himself.—Agreeable to this Key, continues the President,—The _Parson_, who I think is a most excellent Character,—is His Most Excellent Majesty King _George;_—_John_, the Parish-Clerk, is the King of _Prussia;_ who, by the Manner of his first entering _Saxony_, shew’d the World most evidently,—That he did know how to lead out the Psalm, and in Tune and Time too, notwithstanding _Trim_’s vile Insult upon him in that Particular.—But who do you think, says a Surgeon and Man-Midwife, who sat next him, (whose Coat-Button the President, in the Earnestness of this Explanation, had got fast hold of, and had thereby partly drawn him over to his Opinion) Who do you think, Mr. President, says he, are meant by the _Church-Wardens, Sides-Men, Mark Slender, Lorry Slim, &c._—Who do I think? says he, Why,—Why, Sir, as I take the Thing,—the _Church-Wardens_ and _Sides-Men_, are the _Electors_ and the other _Princes_ who form the _Germanick Body_.—And as for the other subordinate Characters of _Mark Slim?_—the _unlucky Wight_ in the Plush Breeches,—the _Parson’s Man_ who was so often out of the Way, &c. &c.—these, to be sure, are the several _Marshals_ and _Generals_, who fought, or should have fought, under them the last Campaign.—The Men in _Buckram_, continued the President, are the Grofs of the King of _Prussia_’s Army, who are as _stiff_ a Body of Men as are in the World:—And _Trim_’s saying they were twelve, and then nineteen, is a Wipe for the _Brussels Gazetteer_, who, to my Knowledge, was never two Weeks in the same Story, about that or any thing else. As for the rest of the _Romance_, continued the President, it sufficiently explains itself,—The _Old-cast-Pair-of-Black-Plush-Breeches_ must be _Saxony_, which the _Elector_, you see, _has left of wearing:_—And as for the _Great Watch-Coat_, which, you know, covers all, it signifies all _Europe;_ comprehending, at least, so many of its different States and Dominions, as we have any Concern with in the present War. I protest, says a Gentleman who sat next but one to the President, and who, it seems, was the Parson of the Parish, a Member not only of the Political, but also of a Musical Club in the next Street;—I protest, says he, if this Explanation is right, which I think it is, That the whole makes a very fine Symbol.—You have always some Musical Instrument or other in your Head, I think, says the Alderman.—Musical instrument! replies the Parson, in Astonishment,—Mr. Alderman, I mean an Allegory; and I think the greedy Disposition of _Trim_ and his Wife, in ripping the _Great Watch-Coat_ to Pieces, in order to convert it into a Petticoat for the one, and a Jerkin for the other, is one of the most beautiful of the Kind I ever met with; and will shew all the World what have been the true Views and Intentions of the Houses of _Bourbon_ and _Austria_ in this abominable Coalition,—I might have called it Whoredom:—Nay, says the Alderman, ’tis downright Adulterydom, or nothing. This Hypothesis of the President’s explain’d every Thing in the _Romance_ extreamly well; and, withall, was delivered with so much Readiness and Air of Certainty, as begot an Opinion in two Thirds of the Club, that Mr. President was actually the Author of the _Romance_ himself: But a Gentleman who sat on the opposite Side of the Table, who had come piping-hot from reading the History of King _William_’s and Queen _Anne_’s Wars, and who was thought, at the Bottom, to envy the President the Honour both of the _Romance_ and Explanation too, gave an entire new Turn to it all. He acquainted the Club, That Mr. President was altogether wrong in every Supposition he had made, except that one, where the _Great Watch-Coat_ was said by him to represent _Europe_, or at least a great Part of it:—So far he acknowledged he was pretty right; but that he had not gone far enough backwards into our History to come at the Truth. He then acquainted them, that the dividing the _Great Watch-Coat_ did, and could, allude to nothing else in the World but the _Partition-Treaty;_ which, by the Bye, he told them, was the most unhappy and scandalous Transaction in all King _William_’s Life: It was that false Step, and that only, says he, rising from his Chair, and striking his Hand upon the Table with great Violence; it was that false Step, says he, knitting his Brows and throwing his Pipe down upon the Ground, that has laid the Foundation of all the Disturbances and Sorrows we feel and lament at this very Hour; and as for _Trim_’s giving up the _Breeches_, look ye, it is almost Word for Word copied from the _French_ King and _Dauphin_’s Renunciation of _Spain_ and the _West-Indies_, which all the World knew (as was the very Case of the _Breeches_) were renounced by them on purpose to be reclaim’d when Time should serve. This Explanation had too much Ingenuity in it to be altogether slighted; and, in Truth, the worst Fault it had, seem’d to be the prodigious Heat of it; which (as an Apothecary, who sat next the Fire, observ’d, in a very low Whisper to his next Neighbour) was so much incorporated into every Particle of it, that it was impossible, under such Fermentation, it should work its defined Effect. This, however, no way intimidated a little valiant Gentleman, though he sat the very next Man, from giving an Opinion as diametrically opposite as _East_ is from _West_. This Gentleman, who was by much the best Geographer in the whole Club, and, moreover, second Cousin to an Engineer, was positive the _Breeches_ meant _Gibraltar;_ for, if you remember, Gentlemen, says he, tho’ possibly you don’t, the Ichnography and Plan of that Town and Fortress, it exactly resembles a Pair of Trunk-Hose, the two Promontories forming the two Slops, &c. &c.—Now we all know, continued he, that King _George_ the First made a Promise of that important Pass to the King of _Spain:_—So that the whole Drift of the _Romance_, according to my Sense of Things, is merely to vindicate the King and the Parliament in that Transaction, which made so much Noise in the World. A Wholesale Taylor, who from the Beginning had resolved not to speak at all in the Debate,—was at last drawn into it, by something very unexpected in the last Person’s Argument. He told the Company, frankly, he did not understand what _Ichnography_ meant:—But as for the Shape of a _Pair of Breeches_, as he had had the Advantage of cutting out so many hundred Pairs in his Life-Time, he hoped he might be allowed to know as much of the Matter as another Man. Now, to my Mind, says he, there is nothing in all the Terraqueous Globe (a Map of which, it seems, hung up in his Work-Shop) so like a _Pair of Breeches_ unmade up, as the Island of _Sicily:_—Nor is there any thing, if you go to that, quoth an honest Shoe-maker, who had the Honour to be a Member of the Club, so much like a _Jack-Boot_, to my Fancy, as the Kingdom of _Italy_.—What the Duce has either _Italy_ or _Sicily_ to do in the Affair? cries the President, who, by this Time, began to tremble for his Hypothesis,—What have they to do?—Why, answered the _Partition-Treaty_ Gentleman, with great Spirit and Joy sparkling in his Eyes,—They have just so much, Sir, to do in the Debate as to overthrow your Suppositions, and to establish the Certainty of mine beyond the Possibility of a Doubt: For, says he, (with an Air of Sovereign Triumph over the President’s Politicks)—By the _Partition-Treaty_, Sir, both _Naples_ and _Sicily_ were the very Kingdoms made to devolve upon the _Dauphin;_—and _Trim_’s _greasing the Parson’s Boots_, is a Devilish Satyrical Stroke;—for it exposes the Corruption, and Bribery made Use of at that Juncture, in bringing over the several States and Princes of _Italy_ to use their Interests at _Rome_, to stop the Pope from giving the Investitures of those Kingdoms to any Body else.—The Pope has not the Investiture of _Sicily_, cries another Gentleman.—I care not, says he, for that. Almost every one apprehended the Debate to be now ended, and that no one Member would venture any new Conjecture upon the _Romance_, after so many clear and decisive Interpretations had been given. But, hold,—Close to the Fire, and opposite to where the Apothecary sat, there sat also a Gentleman of the Law, who, from the Beginning to the End of the Hearing of this Case, seem’d no way satisfied in his Conscience with any one Proceeding in it. This Gentleman had not yet opened his Mouth, but had waited patiently till they had all gone thro’ their several Evidences on the other Side;—reserving himself, like an expert Practitioner, for the last Word in the Debate. When the _Partition-Treaty_-Gentleman had finish’d what he had to say,—He got up,—and, advancing towards the Table, told them, That the Error they had all gone upon thus far, in making out the several Facts in the _Romance_,—was in looking too high; which, with great Candor, he said, was a very natural Thing, and very excusable withall, in such a Political Club as theirs: For Instance, continues he, you have been searching the _Registers_, and looking into the _Deeds_ of _Kings_ and _Emperors_,—as if Nobody had any _Deeds_ to shew or compare the _Romance_ to but themselves.—This, continued the Attorney, is just as much out of the Way of good Practice, as if I should carry a Thing slap-dash into the House of Lords, which was under forty Shillings, and might be decided in the next County-Court for six Shillings and Eight-pence.—He then took the _Romance_ in his Left Hand, and pointing with the Fore-Finger of his Right towards the second Page, he humbly begg’d Leave to observe, (and, to do him Justice, he did it in somewhat of a _forensic Air_) That the _Parson, John_, and _Sexton_, shewed incontestably the Thing to be _Tripartite;_ now, if you will take Notice, Gentlemen, says he, these several Persons, who are Parties to this Instrument, are merely Ecclesiastical; that the _Reading-Desk, Pulpit-Cloth_, and _Velvet Cushion_, are tripartite too; and are, by Intendment of Law, Goods and Chattles merely of an Ecclesiastick Nature, belonging and appertaining ‘only unto them,’ _and to them only_.—So that it appears very plain to me, That the _Romance_, neither directly nor indirectly, goes upon Temporal, but altogether upon Church-Matters.—And do not you think, says he, softening his Voice a little, and addressing himself to the Parson with a forced Smile,—Do not you think Doctor, says he, That the Dispute in the _Romance_, between the _Parson_ of the Parish and _John_, about the Height of _John_’s Desk, is a very fine Panegyrick upon the _Humility of Church-Men?_—I think, says the Parson, it is much of the same Fineness with that which your Profession is complimented with, in the pimping, dirty, pettyfogging Character of _Trim_,—which, in my Opinion, Sir, is just such another Panegyrick upon the _Honesty_ of _Attornies_. Nothing whets the Spirits like an Insult:—Therefore the Parson went on with a visible Superiority and an uncommon Acuteness.—As you are so happy, Sir, continues he, in making Applications,—pray turn over a Page or two to the black Law-Letters in the _Romance_.—What do you think of them, Sir?—Nay,—pray read the Grant of the _Great Watch-Coat_ and _Trim_’s Renunciation of the _Breeches_.—Why, there is downright Lease and Release for you,—’tis the very Thing, Man;—only with this small Difference,—and in which consists the whole Strength of the Panegyric, That the Author of the _Romance_ has convey’d and re-convey’d, in about ten Lines, —what you, with the glorious Prolixity of the Law, could not have crowded into as many Skins of Parchment. The Apothecary, who had paid the Attorney, the same Afternoon, a Demand of Three Pounds Six Shillings and Eight-Pence, for much such another Jobb,—was so highly tickled with the Parson’s Repartee in that particular Point,—that he rubb’d his Hands together most fervently,—and laugh’d most triumphantly thereupon. This could not escape the Attorney’s Notice, any more than the Cause of it did escape his Penetration. I think, Sir, says he, (dropping his Voice a Third) you might well have spared this immoderate Mirth, since you and your Profession have the least Reason to triumph here of any of us.—I beg, quoth he, that you would reflect a Moment upon the _Cob-Web_ which _Trim_ went so far for, and brought back with an Air of so much Importance, in his Breeches Pocket, to lay upon the Parson’s cut Finger.—This said Cob-Web, Sir, is a fine-spun Satyre, upon the flimsy Nature of one Half of the Shop-Medicines, with which you make a Property of the Sick, the Ignorant, and the Unsuspecting.—And as for the Moral of the _Close-Stool-Pan_, Sir, ’tis too plain, Does not nine Parts in ten of the whole Practice, and of all you vend under _its Colours_, pass into and concenter in that one nasty Utensil?—And let me tell you, Sir, says he, raising his Voice,—had not your unseasonable Mirth blinded you, you might have seen that _Trim_’s carrying the Close-Stool-Pan upon his Head the whole Length of the Town, without blushing, is a pointed Raillery,—and one of the sharpest Sarcasms, Sir, that ever was thrown out upon you;—for it unveils the solemn Impudence of the whole Profession, who, I see, are ashamed of nothing which brings in Money. There were two Apothecaries in the Club, besides the Surgeon mentioned before, with a Chemist and an Undertaker, who all felt themselves equally hurt and aggrieved by this discourteous Retort:—And they were all five rising up together from their Chairs, with full Intent of Heart, as it was thought, to return the _Reproof Valiant_ thereupon.—But the President, fearing it would end in a general Engagement, he instantly call’d out, _To Order;_—and gave Notice, That if there was any Member in the Club, who had not yet spoke, and yet did desire to speak upon the main Subject of the Debate,—that he should immediately be heard. This was a happy Invitation for a stammering Member, who, it seems, had but a weak Voice at the best; and having often attempted to speak in the Debate, but to no Purpose, had sat down in utter Despair of an Opportunity. This Member, you must know, had got a sad Crush upon his Hip, in the late _Election_, which gave him intolerable Anguish;—so that, in short, he could think of nothing else:—For which Cause, and others, he was strongly of Opinion, That the whole _Romance_ was a just Gird at the late _York_ Election; and I think, says he, that the _Promise_ of the _Breeches_ broke, may well and truly signify _Somebody’s else Promise_, which was broke, and occasion’d to much Disturbance amongst us. Thus every Man turn’d the Story to what was swimming uppermost in his own Brain;—so that, before all was over, there were full as many Satyres spun out of it,—and as great a Variety of Personages, Opinions, Transactions, and Truths, found to lay hid under the dark Veil of its Allegory, as ever were discovered in the thrice-renowned History of the Acts of _Gargantua_ and _Pantagruel_. At the Close of all, and just before the Club was going to break up,—Mr. President rose from his Chair, and begg’d Leave to make the two following Motions, which were instantly agreed to, without any Division. _First_, Gentlemen, says he, as _Trim_’s Character in the Romance, of a shuffling intriguing Fellow,—whoever it was drawn for, is, in Truth, as like the _French King_ as it can stare,—I move, That the _Romance_ be forthwith _printed:_—For, continues he, if we can but once turn the Laugh against him, and make him asham’d of what he has done, it may be a great Means, with the Blessing of God upon our Fleets and Armies, to save the Liberties of _Europe_. In the _second_ Place, I move, That Mr. Attorney, our worthy Member, be desired to take Minutes, upon the Spot, of every Conjecture which has been made upon the _Romance_, by the several Members who have spoke; which, I think, says he, will answer two good Ends: 1st, It will establish the Political Knowledge of our Club for ever, and place it in a respectable Light to all the World. In the _next_ Place, it will furnish what will be wanted; that is, a _Key_ to the _Romance_.—In troth you might have said a whole Bunch of _Keys_, quoth a Whitesmith, who was the only Member in the Club who had not said something in the Debate: But let me tell you, Mr. President, says he, That the _Right Key_, if it could but be found, would be worth the whole Bunch put together. To —— ——, Esq; _of_ York. SIR, You write me Word that the Letter I wrote to you, and now stiled _The Political Romance_ is printing; and that, as it was drop’d by Carelessness, to make some Amends, you will overlook the Printing of it yourself, and take Care to see that it comes right into the World. I was just going to return you Thanks, and to beg, withal, you would take Care That the Child be not laid at my Door.—But having, this Moment, perused the _Reply_ to the _Dean_ of _York_’s _Answer_,—it has made me alter my Mind in that respect; so that, instead of making you the Request I intended, I do here desire That the Child be filiated upon me, _Laurence Sterne_, Prebendary of _York_, &c. &c. And I do, accordingly, own it for my own true and lawful Offspring. My Reason for this is plain;—for as, you see, the _Writer_ of that _Reply_, has taken upon him to invade this _incontested Right_ of another Man’s in a Thing of this Kind, it is high Time for every Man to look to his own—Since, upon the _same Grounds_, and with half the Degree of Anger, that he affirms the Production of that very Reverend Gentleman’s, to be the Child of many Fathers, some one in his Spight (for I am not without my Friends of that Stamp) may run headlong into the other Extream, and swear, That mine had no Father at all:—And therefore, to make use of _Bay_’s Plea in the _Rehearsal_, for _Prince Pretty-Man;_ I merely do it, as he says, “for fear it should be said to be no Body’s Child at all.” I have only to add two Things:—First, That, at your Peril, you do not presume to alter or transpose one Word, nor rectify one false Spelling, nor so much as add or diminish one Comma or Tittle, in or to my _Romance:_—For if you do,—In case any of the Descendents of _Curl_ should think fit to invade my Copy-Right, and print it over again in my Teeth, I may not be able, in a Court of Justice, to swear strictly to my own Child, after you had _so large a Share_ in the begetting it. In the next Place, I do not approve of your _quaint Conceit_ at the Foot of the Title Page of my _Romance_,—It would only set People on finding a Page or two before I give them Leave;—and besides, all Attempts either at Wit or Humour, in that Place, are a Forestalling of what slender Entertainment of those Kinds are prepared within: Therefore I would have it stand thus: YORK: Printed in the Year 1759. (_Price One Shilling_.) I know you will tell me, That it is set too high; and as a Proof, you will say, That this last _Reply_ to the _Dean_’s _Answer_ does consist of near as many Pages as mine; and yet is all sold for Six-pence.—But mine, my dear Friend, is quite a _different Story:_—It is a Web wrought out of my own Brain, of twice the Fineness of this which he has spun out of his; and besides, I maintain it, it is of a more curious Pattern, and could not be afforded at the Price that his is sold at, by any _honest_ Workman in _Great-Britain_. Moreover, Sir, you do not consider, That the Writer is interested in his _Story_, and that it is his Business to set it a-going at _any Price:_ And indeed, from the Information of Persons conversant in Paper and Print, I have very good Reason to believe, if he should sell every Pamphlet of them, he would inevitably be a _Great Loser_ by it, This I believe verily, and am, _Dear Sir_, _Your obliged Friend_ _and humble Servant_, LAURENCE STERNE, Sutton on the Forest, Jan. 20, 1759 To Dr. TOPHAM. SIR, Though the _Reply_ to the _Dean_ of _York_ is not declared, in the _Title-Page_, or elsewhere, to be wrote by you,—Yet I take that Point for granted; and therefore beg Leave, in this public Manner, to write to you in Behalf of myself; with Intent to set you right in two Points where I stand concerned in this Affair; and which I find you have misapprehended, and consequently (as I hope) misrepresented. The _First_ is, in respect of some Words, made use of in the Instrument, signed by Dr _Herring_, Mr _Berdmore_ and myself.—Namely, _to the best of our Remembrance and Belief,_ which Words you have caught hold of, as implying some Abatement of our Certainty as to the Facts therein attested. Whether it was so with the other two Gentlemen who signed that Attestation with me, it is not for me to say; they are able to answer for themselves, and I desire to do so for myself; and therefore I declare to you, and to all Mankind, That the Words in the first Paragraph, _to the best of our Remembrance and Belief_, implied no Doubt remaining upon my Mind, nor any Distrust whatever of my Memory, from the Distance of Time;—Nor, in short, was it my Intention to attest the several Facts therein, as Matters of Belief—But as Matters of as much Certainty as a Man was capable of having, or giving Evidence to. In Consequence of this Explanation of myself, I do declare myself ready to attest the same Instrument over again, striking out the Words _to the best of our Remembrance and Belief_ which I see, have raised this Exception to it. Whether I was mistaken or no, I leave to better Judges; but I understood those Words were a very common Preamble to Attestations of Things, to which we bore the clearest Evidence;—However, Dr _Topham_, as you have claimed just such another Indulgence yourself, in the Case of begging the _Dean_’s Authority to say, what, as you affirm, you had sufficient Authority to say without, as a modest and Gentleman-like Way of Affirmation;—I wish you had spared either the one or the other of your Remarks upon these two Passages:—_Veniam petimus, demusque vicissim_. There is another Observation relating to this Instrument, which I perceive has escaped your Notice; which I take the Liberty to point out to you, namely, That the Words, _To the best of our Remembrance and Belief_, if they imply any Abatement of Certainty, seem only confined to that Paragraph, and to what is immediately attested after them in it:—For in the second Paragraph, wherein the main Points are minutely attested, and upon which the whole Dispute, and main Charge against the _Dean_, turns, it is introduced thus: “_We do particularly remember_, That as soon as Dinner was over, &c.” In the second Place you affirm, “That it is not said that Mr. _Sterne_ could affirm he had heard you charge the _Dean_ with a Promise, in its own Nature so very extraordinary, as of the Commissaryship of the Dean and Chapter”:—To this I answer, That my true Intent in subscribing that very instrument, and I suppose of others, was to attest this _very Thing;_ and I have just now read that Part of the Instrument over; and cannot, for my Life, affirm it either more directly or expresly, than in the Words as they there stand;—therefore please to let me transcribe them. “But being press’d by Mr. _Sterne_ with an undeniable Proof, That he, (Dr. _Topham_) did propagate the said Story, (viz: _of a Promise from the Dean to Dr._ Topham _of the Dean and Chapter’s Commissaryship_)—Dr. _Topham_ did at last acknowledge it; adding, as his Reason or Excuse for so doing, That he apprehended (or Words to that Effect) he had a _Promise_ under the _Dean’s own Hand_, of the _Dean and Chapter’s Commissaryship_.” This I have attested, and what Weight the Sanction of an Oath will add to it, I am willing and ready to give. As for Mr. _Ricard_’s feeble Attestation, brought to shake the Credit of this firm and solemn one, I have nothing to say to it, as it is only an Attestation of Mr. _Ricard_’s Conjectures upon the Subject.—But this I can say, That I had the Honour to be at the Deanery with the learned Counsel, when Mr. _Ricard_ underwent that _most formidable_ Examination you speak of,—and I solemnly affirm, That he then said, He knew nothing at all about the Matter, one Way or the other; and the Reasons he gave for his utter Ignorance, were, first, That he was then so full of Concern, at the Difference which arose between two Gentlemen, both his Friends, that he did not attend to the Subject Matter of it,—and of which he declared again he knew nothing at all. And secondly, If he had understood it then, the Distance would have put it out of his Head by this Time. He has since scower’d his Memory, I ween; for now he says, That he apprehended the Dispute regarded something in the Dean’s Gift, as he could not _naturally_ suppose, &c. ’Tis certain, at the Deanery, he had _naturally_ no Suppositions in his Head about this Affair; so that I with this may not prove one of the After-Thoughts you speak of, and not so much a _natural_ as an _artificial_ Supposition of my good Friend’s. As for the _formidable_ Enquiry you represent him as undergoing,—let me intreat you to give me Credit in what I say upon it,—namely,—That it was as much the Reverse to every Idea that ever was couch’d under that Word, as Words can represent it to you. As for the learned Counsel and myself, who were in the Room all the Time, I do not remember that we, either of us, spoke ten Words. The Dean was the only one that ask’d Mr. _Ricard_ what he remembered about the Affair of the Sessions Dinner; which he did in the most Gentleman-like and candid Manner,—and with an Air of as much Calmness and seeming Indifference, as if he had been questioning him about the News in the last _Brussels Gazette_. What Mr. _Ricard_ saw to terrify him so sadly, I cannot apprehend, unless the Dean’s _Gothic_ Book-Case,—which I own has an odd Appearance to a Stranger; so that if he came terrified in his Mind there, and with a Resolution not to _plead_, he might _naturally suppose_ it to be a great Engine brought there on purpose to exercise the _Peine fort et dure_ upon him.—But to be serious; if Mr. _Ricard_ told you, That this Enquiry was _most formidable_, He was much to blame;—and if you have said it, without his express Information, then _You_ are much to blame. This is all, I think, in your _Reply_, which concerns me to answer:—As for the many coarse and unchristian Insinuations scatter’d throughout your _Reply_,—as it is my Duty to beg God to forgive you, so I do from my Heart: Believe me, Dr. _Topham_, they hurt yourself more than the Person they are aimed at; and when the _first Transport_ of Rage is a little over, they will grieve you more too. —_prima est hæc Ultio_. But these I hold to be no answerable Part of a Controversy;—and for the little that remains unanswered in yours,—I believe I could, in another half Hour, set it right in the Eyes of the World: But this is not my Business.—And is it is thought worth the while, which I hope it never will, I know no one more able to do it than the very Reverend and Worthy Gentleman whom you have so unhandsomely insulted upon that Score. As for the _supposed Compilers_, whom you have been so wrath and so unmerciful against, I’ll be answerable for it, as they are Creatures of your own Fancy, they will bear you no Malice. However, I think the more positively any Charge is made, let it be against whom it will, the better it should be supported; and therefore I should be sorry, for your own Honour, if you have not some better Grounds for all you have thrown out about them, than the mere Heat of your Imagination or Anger. To tell you truly, your Suppositions on this Head oft put me in Mind of _Trim_’s twelve Men in _Buckram_, which his disordered Fancy represented as laying in Ambush in _John_ the Clerk’s House, and letting drive at him all together. I am, SIR, _Your most obedient_ _And most humble Servan_t, LAWRENCE STERNE Sutton on the Forest, Jan. 20, 1759 P.S. I beg Pardon for _clapping_ this upon the _Back_ of the _Romance_,—which is done out of no Disrespect to you.—But the _Vehicle_ stood ready at the Door,—and as I was to pay the whole Fare, and there was Room enough behind it,—it was the cheapest and readiest Conveyance I could think of. FINIS. *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A POLITICAL ROMANCE *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. START: FULL LICENSE THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license. Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works 1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. 1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. 1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others. 1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States. 1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: 1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed: This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. 1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. 1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™. 1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License. 1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. 1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. 1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that: • You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.” • You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works. • You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work. • You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works. 1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. 1.F. 1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. 1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE. 1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem. 1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. 1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. 1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause. Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™ Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life. Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org. Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS. The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate. While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate. International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate. Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org. This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.