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Title: The Christmas Books of Mr. M.A. Titmarsh

Author: William Makepeace Thackeray

Release date: May 25, 2006 [eBook #2731]

Language: English

Credits: Produced by Donald Lainson; David Widger


*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CHRISTMAS BOOKS OF MR. M.A. TITMARSH ***




Produced by Donald Lainson





THE CHRISTMAS BOOKS

of

MR. M. A. TITMARSH

by William Makepeace Thackeray




CONTENTS.


CHRISTMAS STORIES.

Mrs. Perkins's Ball

Our Street

Dr. Birch and his Young Friends

The Kickleburys on the Rhine

The Rose and the Ring; or, The History of Prince Giglio and Prince Bulbo




MRS. PERKINS'S BALL.

THE MULLIGAN (OF BALLYMULLIGAN), AND HOW WE WENT TO MRS. PERKINS'S BALL.


I do not know where Ballymulligan is, and never knew anybody who did.
Once I asked the Mulligan the question, when that chieftain assumed a
look of dignity so ferocious, and spoke of "Saxon curiawsitee" in a
tone of such evident displeasure, that, as after all it can matter very
little to me whereabouts lies the Celtic principality in question, I
have never pressed the inquiry any farther.

I don't know even the Mulligan's town residence. One night, as he bade
us adieu in Oxford Street,--"I live THERE," says he, pointing down
towards Oxbridge, with the big stick he carries--so his abode is in that
direction at any rate. He has his letters addressed to several of
his friends' houses, and his parcels, &c. are left for him at various
taverns which he frequents. That pair of checked trousers, in which you
see him attired, he did me the favor of ordering from my own tailor,
who is quite as anxious as anybody to know the address of the wearer. In
like manner my hatter asked me, "Oo was the Hirish gent as 'ad ordered
four 'ats and a sable boar to be sent to my lodgings?" As I did not
know (however I might guess) the articles have never been sent, and the
Mulligan has withdrawn his custom from the "infernal four-and-nine-penny
scoundthrel," as he calls him. The hatter has not shut up shop in
consequence.

I became acquainted with the Mulligan through a distinguished countryman
of his, who, strange to say, did not know the chieftain himself. But
dining with my friend Fred Clancy, of the Irish bar, at Greenwich, the
Mulligan came up, "inthrojuiced" himself to Clancy as he said, claimed
relationship with him on the side of Brian Boroo, and drawing his chair
to our table, quickly became intimate with us. He took a great liking
to me, was good enough to find out my address and pay me a visit: since
which period often and often on coming to breakfast in the morning I
have found him in my sitting-room on the sofa engaged with the rolls
and morning papers: and many a time, on returning home at night for an
evening's quiet reading, I have discovered this honest fellow in the
arm-chair before the fire, perfuming the apartment with my cigars and
trying the quality of such liquors as might be found on the sideboard.
The way in which he pokes fun at Betsy, the maid of the lodgings, is
prodigious. She begins to laugh whenever he comes; if he calls her a
duck, a divvle, a darlin', it is all one. He is just as much a master
of the premises as the individual who rents them at fifteen shillings a
week; and as for handkerchiefs, shirt-collars, and the like articles of
fugitive haberdashery, the loss since I have known him is unaccountable.
I suspect he is like the cat in some houses: for, suppose the whiskey,
the cigars, the sugar, the tea-caddy, the pickles, and other groceries
disappear, all is laid upon that edax-rerum of a Mulligan.

The greatest offence that can be offered to him is to call him MR.
Mulligan. "Would you deprive me, sir," says he, "of the title which was
bawrun be me princelee ancestors in a hundred thousand battles? In
our own green valleys and fawrests, in the American savannahs, in the
sierras of Speen and the flats of Flandthers, the Saxon has quailed
before me war-cry of MULLIGAN ABOO! MR. Mulligan! I'll pitch anybody out
of the window who calls me MR. Mulligan." He said this, and uttered the
slogan of the Mulligans with a shriek so terrific, that my uncle (the
Rev. W. Gruels, of the Independent Congregation, Bungay), who had
happened to address him in the above obnoxious manner, while sitting at
my apartments drinking tea after the May meetings, instantly quitted the
room, and has never taken the least notice of me since, except to state
to the rest of the family that I am doomed irrevocably to perdition.

Well, one day last season, I had received from my kind and most
estimable friend, MRS. PERKINS OF POCKLINGTON SQUARE (to whose amiable
family I have had the honor of giving lessons in drawing, French, and
the German flute), an invitation couched in the usual terms, on satin
gilt-edged note-paper, to her evening-party; or, as I call it, "Ball."

Besides the engraved note sent to all her friends, my kind patroness had
addressed me privately as follows:--


MY DEAR MR. TITMARSH,--If you know any VERY eligible young man, we give
you leave to bring him. You GENTLEMEN love your CLUBS so much now, and
care so little for DANCING, that it is really quite A SCANDAL. Come
early, and before EVERYBODY, and give us the benefit of all your taste
and CONTINENTAL SKILL.

"Your sincere

"EMILY PERKINS."


"Whom shall I bring?" mused I, highly flattered by this mark of
confidence; and I thought of Bob Trippett; and little Fred Spring, of
the Navy Pay Office; Hulker, who is rich, and I knew took lessons
in Paris; and a half-score of other bachelor friends, who might be
considered as VERY ELIGIBLE--when I was roused from my meditation by the
slap of a hand on my shoulder; and looking up, there was the Mulligan,
who began, as usual, reading the papers on my desk.

"Hwhat's this?" says he. "Who's Perkins? Is it a supper-ball, or only a
tay-ball?"

"The Perkinses of Pocklington Square, Mulligan, are tiptop people,"
says I, with a tone of dignity. "Mr. Perkins's sister is married to a
baronet, Sir Giles Bacon, of Hogwash, Norfolk. Mr. Perkins's uncle was
Lord Mayor of London; and he was himself in Parliament, and MAY BE again
any day. The family are my most particular friends. A tay-ball indeed!
why, Gunter . . ." Here I stopped: I felt I was committing myself.

"Gunter!" says the Mulligan, with another confounded slap on the
shoulder. "Don't say another word: I'LL go widg you, my boy."

"YOU go, Mulligan?" says I: "why, really--I--it's not my party."

"Your hwhawt? hwhat's this letter? a'n't I an eligible young man?--Is
the descendant of a thousand kings unfit company for a miserable
tallow-chandthlering cockney? Are ye joking wid me? for, let me tell ye,
I don't like them jokes. D'ye suppose I'm not as well bawrun and bred as
yourself, or any Saxon friend ye ever had?"

"I never said you weren't, Mulligan," says I.

"Ye don't mean seriously that a Mulligan is not fit company for a
Perkins?"

"My dear fellow, how could you think I could so far insult you?" says I.
"Well, then," says he, "that's a matter settled, and we go."

What the deuce was I to do? I wrote to Mrs. Perkins; and that kind
lady replied, that she would receive the Mulligan, or any other of my
friends, with the greatest cordiality. "Fancy a party, all Mulligans!"
thought I, with a secret terror.


MR. AND MRS. PERKINS, THEIR HOUSE, AND THEIR YOUNG PEOPLE.


Following Mrs. Perkins's orders, the present writer made his appearance
very early at Pocklington Square: where the tastiness of all the
decorations elicited my warmest admiration. Supper of course was in
the dining-loom, superbly arranged by Messrs. Grigs and Spooner, the
confectioners of the neighborhood. I assisted my respected friend Mr.
Perkins and his butler in decanting the sherry, and saw, not without
satisfaction, a large bath for wine under the sideboard, in which were
already placed very many bottles of champagne.

The BACK DINING-ROOM, Mr. P.'s study (where the venerable man goes to
sleep after dinner), was arranged on this occasion as a tea-room, Mrs.
Flouncey (Miss Fanny's maid) officiating in a cap and pink ribbons,
which became her exceedingly. Long, long before the arrival of the
company, I remarked Master Thomas Perkins and Master Giles Bacon, his
cousin (son of Sir Giles Bacon, Bart.), in this apartment, busy among
the macaroons.

Mr. Gregory the butler, besides John the footman and Sir Giles's
large man in the Bacon livery, and honest Grundsell, carpet-beater and
green-grocer, of Little Pocklington Buildings, had at least half a
dozen of aides-de-camp in black with white neck-cloths, like doctors of
divinity.

The BACK DRAWING-ROOM door on the landing being taken off the hinges
(and placed up stairs under Mr. Perkins's bed), the orifice was covered
with muslin, and festooned with elegant wreaths of flowers. This was
the Dancing Saloon. A linen was spread over the carpet; and a
band--consisting of Mr. Clapperton, piano, Mr. Pinch, harp, and
Herr Spoff, cornet-a-piston arrived at a pretty early hour, and were
accommodated with some comfortable negus in the tea-room, previous to
the commencement of their delightful labors. The boudoir to the left
was fitted up as a card-room; the drawing-room was of course for the
reception of the company,--the chandeliers and yellow damask
being displayed this night in all their splendor; and the charming
conservatory over the landing was ornamented by a few moon-like lamps,
and the flowers arranged so that it had the appearance of a fairy bower.
And Miss Perkins (as I took the liberty of stating to her mamma) looked
like the fairy of that bower. It is this young creature's first year
in PUBLIC LIFE: she has been educated, regardless of expense, at
Hammersmith; and a simple white muslin dress and blue ceinture set off
charms of which I beg to speak with respectful admiration.

My distinguished friend the Mulligan of Ballymulligan was good enough
to come the very first of the party. By the way, how awkward it is to be
the first of the party! and yet you know somebody must; but for my part,
being timid, I always wait at the corner of the street in the cab, and
watch until some other carriage comes up.

Well, as we were arranging the sherry in the decanters down the
supper-tables, my friend arrived: "Hwhares me friend Mr. Titmarsh?" I
heard him bawling out to Gregory in the passage, and presently he rushed
into the supper-room, where Mr. and Mrs. Perkins and myself were, and
as the waiter was announcing "Mr. Mulligan," "THE Mulligan of
Ballymulligan, ye blackguard!" roared he, and stalked into the
apartment, "apologoizing," as he said, for introducing himself.

Mr. and Mrs. Perkins did not perhaps wish to be seen in this room, which
was for the present only lighted by a couple of candles; but HE was not
at all abashed by the circumstance, and grasping them both warmly by
the hands, he instantly made himself at home. "As friends of my dear
and talented friend Mick," so he is pleased to call me, "I'm deloighted,
madam, to be made known to ye. Don't consider me in the light of a mere
acquaintance! As for you, my dear madam, you put me so much in moind
of my own blessed mother, now resoiding at Ballymulligan Castle, that I
begin to love ye at first soight." At which speech Mr. Perkins getting
rather alarmed, asked the Mulligan whether he would take some wine, or
go up stairs.

"Faix," says Mulligan "it's never too soon for good dhrink." And
(although he smelt very much of whiskey already) he drank a tumbler of
wine "to the improvement of an acqueentence which comminces in a manner
so deloightful."

"Let's go up stairs, Mulligan," says I, and led the noble Irishman to
the upper apartments, which were in a profound gloom, the candles not
being yet illuminated, and where we surprised Miss Fanny, seated in the
twilight at the piano, timidly trying the tunes of the polka which she
danced so exquisitely that evening. She did not perceive the stranger at
first; but how she started when the Mulligan loomed upon her.

"Heavenlee enchanthress!" says Mulligan, "don't floy at the approach of
the humblest of your sleeves! Reshewm your pleece at that insthrument,
which weeps harmonious, or smoils melojious, as you charrum it! Are you
acqueented with the Oirish Melodies? Can ye play, 'Who fears to talk of
Nointy-eight?' the 'Shan Van Voght?' or the 'Dirge of Ollam Fodhlah?'"

"Who's this mad chap that Titmarsh has brought?" I heard Master Bacon
exclaim to Master Perkins. "Look! how frightened Fanny looks!"

"O poo! gals are ALWAYS frightened," Fanny's brother replied; but Giles
Bacon, more violent, said, "I'll tell you what, Tom: if this goes on,
we must pitch into him." And so I have no doubt they would, when another
thundering knock coming, Gregory rushed into the room and began lighting
all the candles, so as to produce an amazing brilliancy, Miss Fanny
sprang up and ran to her mamma, and the young gentlemen slid down the
banisters to receive the company in the hall.


EVERYBODY BEGINS TO COME, BUT ESPECIALLY MR. MINCHIN.


"It's only me and my sisters," Master Bacon said; though "only" meant
eight in this instance. All the young ladies had fresh cheeks and purple
elbows; all had white frocks, with hair more or less auburn: and so a
party was already made of this blooming and numerous family, before the
rest of the company began to arrive. The three Miss Meggots next came in
their fly: Mr. Blades and his niece from 19 in the square: Captain and
Mrs. Struther, and Miss Struther: Doctor Toddy's two daughters and their
mamma: but where were the gentlemen? The Mulligan, great and active as
he was, could not suffice among so many beauties. At last came a brisk
neat little knock, and looking into the hall, I saw a gentleman taking
off his clogs there, whilst Sir Giles Bacon's big footman was looking on
with rather a contemptuous air.

"What name shall I enounce?" says he, with a wink at Gregory on the
stair.

The gentleman in clogs said, with quiet dignity,--


MR. FREDERICK MINCHIN.


"Pump Court, Temple," is printed on his cards in very small type: and he
is a rising barrister of the Western Circuit. He is to be found at home
of mornings: afterwards "at Westminster," as you read on his back door.
"Binks and Minchin's Reports" are probably known to my legal friends:
this is the Minchin in question.

He is decidedly genteel, and is rather in request at the balls of the
Judges' and Serjeants' ladies: for he dances irreproachably, and goes
out to dinner as much as ever he can.

He mostly dines at the Oxford and Cambridge Club, of which you can
easily see by his appearance that he is a member; he takes the joint and
his half-pint of wine, for Minchin does everything like a gentleman.
He is rather of a literary turn; still makes Latin verses with some
neatness; and before he was called, was remarkably fond of the flute.

When Mr. Minchin goes out in the evening, his clerk brings his bag to
the Club, to dress; and if it is at all muddy, he turns up his trousers,
so that he may come in without a speck. For such a party as this,
he will have new gloves; otherwise Frederick, his clerk, is chiefly
employed in cleaning them with India-rubber.

He has a number of pleasant stories about the Circuit and the
University, which he tells with a simper to his neighbor at dinner; and
has always the last joke of Mr. Baron Maule. He has a private fortune of
five thousand pounds; he is a dutiful son; he has a sister married, in
Harley Street; and Lady Jane Ranville has the best opinion of him, and
says he is a most excellent and highly principled young man.

Her ladyship and daughter arrived just as Mr. Minchin had popped his
clogs into the umbrella-stand; and the rank of that respected person,
and the dignified manner in which he led her up stairs, caused all
sneering on the part of the domestics to disappear.


THE BALL-ROOM DOOR.


A hundred of knocks follow Frederick Minchin's: in half an hour Messrs.
Spoff, Pinch, and Clapperton have begun their music, and Mulligan, with
one of the Miss Bacons, is dancing majestically in the first quadrille.
My young friends Giles and Tom prefer the landing-place to the
drawing-rooms, where they stop all night, robbing the refreshment-trays
as they come up or down. Giles has eaten fourteen ices: he will have a
dreadful stomach-ache to-morrow. Tom has eaten twelve, but he has had
four more glasses of negus than Giles. Grundsell, the occasional waiter,
from whom Master Tom buys quantities of ginger-beer, can of course deny
him nothing. That is Grundsell, in the tights, with the tray. Meanwhile
direct your attention to the three gentlemen at the door: they are
conversing.

1st Gent.--Who's the man of the house--the bald man?

2nd Gent.--Of course. The man of the house is always bald. He's a
stockbroker, I believe. Snooks brought me.

1st Gent.--Have you been to the tea-room? There's a pretty girl in the
tea-room; blue eyes, pink ribbons, that kind of thing.

2nd Gent.--Who the deuce is that girl with those tremendous shoulders?
Gad! I do wish somebody would smack 'em.

3rd Gent.--Sir--that young lady is my niece, sir,--my niece--my name is
Blades, sir.

2nd Gent.--Well, Blades! smack your niece's shoulders: she deserves it,
begad! she does. Come in, Jinks, present me to the Perkinses.--Hullo!
here's an old country acquaintance--Lady Bacon, as I live! with all the
piglings; she never goes out without the whole litter. (Exeunt 1st and
2nd Gents.)


LADY BACON, THE MISS BACONS, MR. FLAM.


Lady B.--Leonora! Maria! Amelia! here is the gentleman we met at Sir
John Porkington's.

[The MISSES BACON, expecting to be asked to dance, smile simultaneously,
and begin to smooth their tuckers.]

Mr. Flam.--Lady Bacon! I couldn't be mistaken in YOU! Won't you dance,
Lady Bacon?

Lady B.--Go away, you droll creature!

Mr. Flam.--And these are your ladyship's seven lovely sisters, to judge
from their likenesses to the charming Lady Bacon?

Lady B.--My sisters, he! he! my DAUGHTERS, Mr. Flam, and THEY dance,
don't you, girls?

The Misses Bacon.--O yes!

Mr. Flam.--Gad! how I wish I was a dancing man!

[Exit FLAM.


MR. LARKINS.


I have not been able to do justice (only a Lawrence could do that) to my
respected friend Mrs. Perkins, in this picture; but Larkins's portrait
is considered very like. Adolphus Larkins has been long connected with
Mr. Perkins's City establishment, and is asked to dine twice or thrice
per annum. Evening-parties are the great enjoyment of this simple youth,
who, after he has walked from Kentish Town to Thames Street, and passed
twelve hours in severe labor there, and walked back again to Kentish
Town, finds no greater pleasure than to attire his lean person in that
elegant evening costume which you see, to walk into town again, and to
dance at anybody's house who will invite him. Islington, Pentonville,
Somers Town, are the scenes of many of his exploits; and I have seen
this good-natured fellow performing figure-dances at Notting-hill, at
a house where I am ashamed to say there was no supper, no negus even
to speak of, nothing but the bare merits of the polka in which Adolphus
revels. To describe this gentleman's infatuation for dancing, let me
say, in a word, that he will even frequent boarding-house hops, rather
than not go.

He has clogs, too, like Minchin: but nobody laughs at HIM. He gives
himself no airs; but walks into a house with a knock and a demeanor so
tremulous and humble, that the servants rather patronize him. He does
not speak, or have any particular opinions, but when the time comes,
begins to dance. He bleats out a word or two to his partner during this
operation, seems very weak and sad during the whole performance, and, of
course, is set to dance with the ugliest women everywhere.

The gentle, kind spirit! when I think of him night after night, hopping
and jigging, and trudging off to Kentish Town, so gently, through the
fogs, and mud, and darkness: I do not know whether I ought to admire
him, because his enjoyments are so simple, and his dispositions so
kindly; or laugh at him, because he draws his life so exquisitely mild.
Well, well, we can't be all roaring lions in this world; there must be
SOME lambs, and harmless, kindly, gregarious creatures for eating
and shearing. See! even good-natured Mrs. Perkins is leading up the
trembling Larkins to the tremendous Miss Bunion!


MISS BUNION.


The Poetess, author of "Heartstrings," "The Deadly Nightshade," "Passion
Flowers," &c. Though her poems breathe only of love, Miss B. has never
been married. She is nearly six feet high; she loves waltzing beyond
even poesy; and I think lobster-salad as much as either. She confesses
to twenty-eight; in which case her first volume, "The Orphan of Gozo,"
(cut up by Mr. Rigby, in the Quarterly, with his usual kindness,) must
have been published when she was three years old.

For a woman all soul, she certainly eats as much as any woman I ever
saw. The sufferings she has had to endure, are, she says, beyond
compare; the poems which she writes breathe a withering passion, a
smouldering despair, an agony of spirit that would melt the soul of a
drayman, were he to read them. Well, it is a comfort to see that she
can dance of nights, and to know (for the habits of illustrious literary
persons are always worth knowing) that she eats a hot mutton-chop for
breakfast every morning of her blighted existence.

She lives in a boardinghouse at Brompton, and comes to the party in a
fly.


MR. HICKS.


It is worth twopence to see Miss Bunion and Poseidon Hicks, the great
poet, conversing with one another, and to talk of one to the other
afterwards. How they hate each other! I (in my wicked way) have sent
Hicks almost raving mad, by praising Bunion to him in confidence; and
you can drive Bunion out of the room by a few judicious panegyrics of
Hicks.

Hicks first burst upon the astonished world with poems, in the Byronic
manner: "The Death-Shriek," "The Bastard of Lara," "The Atabal," "The
Fire-Ship of Botzaris," and other works. His "Love Lays," in Mr. Moore's
early style, were pronounced to be wonderfully precocious for a young
gentleman then only thirteen, and in a commercial academy, at Tooting.

Subsequently, this great bard became less passionate and more
thoughtful; and, at the age of twenty, wrote "Idiosyncracy" (in forty
books, 4to.): "Ararat," "a stupendous epic," as the reviews said;
and "The Megatheria," "a magnificent contribution to our pre-Adamite
literature," according to the same authorities. Not having read these
works, it would ill become me to judge them; but I know that poor
Jingle, the publisher, always attributed his insolvency to the latter
epic, which was magnificently printed in elephant folio.

Hicks has now taken a classical turn, and has brought out "Poseidon,"
"Iacchus," "Hephaestus," and I dare say is going through the mythology.
But I should not like to try him at a passage of the Greek Delectus,
any more than twenty thousand others of us who have had a "classical
education."

Hicks was taken in an inspired attitude regarding the chandelier, and
pretending he didn't know that Miss Pettifer was looking at him.

Her name is Anna Maria (daughter of Higgs and Pettifer, solicitors,
Bedford Row); but Hicks calls her "Ianthe" in his album verses, and is
himself an eminent drysalter in the city.


MISS MEGGOT.


Poor Miss Meggot is not so lucky as Miss Bunion. Nobody comes to dance
with HER, though she has a new frock on, as she calls it, and rather a
pretty foot, which she always manages to stick out.

She is forty-seven, the youngest of three sisters, who live a mouldy old
house, near Middlesex Hospital, where they have lived for I don't know
how many score of years; but this is certain: the eldest Miss Meggot saw
the Gordon Riots out of that same parlor window, and tells the story
how her father (physician to George III.) was robbed of his queue in the
streets on that occasion. The two old ladies have taken the brevet rank,
and are addressed as Mrs. Jane and Mrs. Betsy: one of them is at whist
in the back drawing-room. But the youngest is still called Miss Nancy,
and is considered quite a baby by her sisters.

She was going to be married once to a brave young officer, Ensign Angus
Macquirk, of the Whistlebinkie Fencibles; but he fell at Quatre Bras,
by the side of the gallant Snuffmull, his commander. Deeply, deeply did
Miss Nancy deplore him.

But time has cicatrized the wounded heart. She is gay now, and would
sing or dance, ay, or marry if anybody asked her.

Do go, my dear friend--I don't mean to ask her to marry, but to ask her
to dance.--Never mind the looks of the thing. It will make her happy;
and what does it cost you? Ah, my dear fellow! take this counsel: always
dance with the old ladies--always dance with the governesses. It is
a comfort to the poor things when they get up in their garret that
somebody has had mercy on them. And such a handsome fellow as YOU too!


MISS RANVILLE, REV. MR. TOOP, MISS MULLINS, MR. WINTER.


Mr. W. Miss Mullins, look at Miss Ranville: what a picture of good
humor.

Miss M.--Oh, you satirical creature!

Mr. W.--Do you know why she is so angry? she expected to dance with
Captain Grig, and by some mistake, the Cambridge Professor got hold of
her: isn't he a handsome man?

Miss M.--Oh, you droll wretch!

Mr. W.--Yes, he's a fellow of college--fellows mayn't marry, Miss
Mullins--poor fellows, ay, Miss Mullins?

Miss M.--La!

Mr. W.--And Professor of Phlebotomy in the University. He flatters
himself he is a man of the world, Miss Mullins, and always dances in the
long vacation.

Miss M.--You malicious, wicked monster!

Mr. W.--Do you know Lady Jane Ranville? Miss Ranville's mamma. A ball
once a year; footmen in canary-colored livery: Baker Street; six dinners
in the season; starves all the year round; pride and poverty, you know;
I've been to her ball ONCE. Ranville Ranville's her brother, and between
you and me--but this, dear Miss Mullins, is a profound secret,--I think
he's a greater fool than his sister.

Miss M.--Oh, you satirical, droll, malicious, wicked thing you!

Mr. W.--You do me injustice, Miss Mullins, indeed you do.

[Chaine Anglaise.]


MISS JOY, MR. AND MRS. JOY, MR. BOTTER.


Mr. B.--What spirits that girl has, Mrs. Joy!

Mr. J.--She's a sunshine in a house, Botter, a regular sunshine. When
Mrs. J. here's in a bad humor, I . . .

Mrs. J.--Don't talk nonsense, Mr. Joy.

Mrs. B.--There's a hop, skip, and jump for you! Why, it beats Ellsler!
Upon my conscience it does! It's her fourteenth quadrille too. There she
goes! She's a jewel of a girl, though I say it that shouldn't.

Mrs. J. (laughing).--Why don't you marry her, Botter? Shall I speak to
her? I dare say she'd have you. You're not so VERY old.

Mr. B.--Don't aggravate me, Mrs. J. You know when I lost my heart in
the year 1817, at the opening of Waterloo Bridge, to a young lady who
wouldn't have me, and left me to die in despair, and married Joy, of the
Stock Exchange.

Mrs. J. Get away, you foolish old creature.

[MR. JOY looks on in ecstasies at Miss Joy's agility. LADY JANE
RANVILLE, of Baker Street, pronounces her to be an exceedingly forward
person. CAPTAIN DOBBS likes a girl who has plenty of go in her; and as
for FRED SPARKS, he is over head and ears in love with her.]


MR. RANVILLE RANVILLE AND JACK HUBBARD.


This is Miss Ranville Ranville's brother, Mr. Ranville Ranville, of the
Foreign Office, faithfully designed as he was playing at whist in the
card-room. Talleyrand used to play at whist at the "Travellers'," that
is why Ranville Ranville indulges in that diplomatic recreation. It is
not his fault if he be not the greatest man in the room.

If you speak to him, he smiles sternly, and answers in monosyllables he
would rather die than commit himself. He never has committed himself in
his life. He was the first at school, and distinguished at Oxford. He is
growing prematurely bald now, like Canning, and is quite proud of it. He
rides in St. James's Park of a morning before breakfast. He dockets his
tailor's bills, and nicks off his dinner-notes in diplomatic paragraphs,
and keeps precis of them all. If he ever makes a joke, it is a quotation
from Horace, like Sir Robert Peel. The only relaxation he permits
himself, is to read Thucydides in the holidays.

Everybody asks him out to dinner, on account of his brass-buttons with
the Queen's cipher, and to have the air of being well with the Foreign
Office. "Where I dine," he says solemnly, "I think it is my duty to
go to evening-parties." That is why he is here. He never dances, never
sups, never drinks. He has gruel when he goes home to bed. I think it is
in his brains.

He is such an ass and so respectable, that one wonders he has not
succeeded in the world; and yet somehow they laugh at him; and you and I
shall be Ministers as soon as he will.

Yonder, making believe to look over the print-books, is that merry
rogue, Jack Hubbard.

See how jovial he looks! He is the life and soul of every party, and
his impromptu singing after supper will make you die of laughing. He is
meditating an impromptu now, and at the same time thinking about a bill
that is coming due next Thursday. Happy dog!


MRS. TROTTER, MISS TROTTER, MISS TOADY, LORD METHUSELAH.


Dear Emma Trotter has been silent and rather ill-humored all the evening
until now her pretty face lights up with smiles. Cannot you guess why?
Pity the simple and affectionate creature! Lord Methuselah has not
arrived until this moment: and see how the artless girl steps forward to
greet him!

In the midst of all the selfishness and turmoil of the world, how
charming it is to find virgin hearts quite unsullied, and to look on
at little romantic pictures of mutual love! Lord Methuselah, though you
know his age by the peerage--though he is old, wigged, gouty, rouged,
wicked, has lighted up a pure flame in that gentle bosom. There was a
talk about Tom Willoughby last year; and then, for a time, young Hawbuck
(Sir John Hawbuck's youngest son) seemed the favored man; but Emma never
knew her mind until she met the dear creature before you in a Rhine
steamboat. "Why are you so late, Edward?" says she. Dear artless child!

Her mother looks on with tender satisfaction. One can appreciate the
joys of such an admirable parent!

"Look at them!" says Miss Toady. "I vow and protest they're the
handsomest couple in the room!"

Methuselah's grandchildren are rather jealous and angry, and
Mademoiselle Ariane, of the French theatre, is furious. But there's no
accounting for the mercenary envy of some people; and it is impossible
to satisfy everybody.


MR. BEAUMORIS, MR. GRIG, MR. FLYNDERS.


Those three young men are described in a twinkling: Captain Grig of the
Heavies; Mr. Beaumoris, the handsome young man; Tom Flinders (Flynders
Flynders he now calls himself), the fat gentleman who dresses after
Beaumoris.

Beaumoris is in the Treasury: he has a salary of eighty pounds a year,
on which he maintains the best cab and horses of the season; and out of
which he pays seventy guineas merely for his subscriptions to clubs. He
hunts in Leicestershire, where great men mount him; he is a prodigious
favorite behind the scenes at the theatres; you may get glimpses of him
at Richmond, with all sorts of pink bonnets; and he is the sworn friend
of half the most famous roues about town, such as Old Methuselah, Lord
Billygoat, Lord Tarquin, and the rest: a respectable race. It is to
oblige the former that the good-natured young fellow is here to-night;
though it must not be imagined that he gives himself any airs of
superiority. Dandy as he is, he is quite affable, and would borrow ten
guineas from any man in the room, in the most jovial way possible.

It is neither Beau's birth, which is doubtful; nor his money, which
is entirely negative; nor his honesty, which goes along with his
money-qualification; nor his wit, for he can barely spell,--which
recommend him to the fashionable world: but a sort of Grand Seigneur
splendor and dandified je ne scais quoi, which make the man he is of
him. The way in which his boots and gloves fit him is a wonder which no
other man can achieve; and though he has not an atom of principle, it
must be confessed that he invented the Taglioni shirt.

When I see these magnificent dandies yawning out of "White's," or
caracoling in the Park on shining chargers, I like to think that
Brummell was the greatest of them all, and that Brummell's father was a
footman.

Flynders is Beaumoris's toady: lends him money: buys horses through his
recommendation; dresses after him; clings to him in Pall Mall, and on
the steps of the club; and talks about 'Bo' in all societies. It is his
drag which carries down Bo's friends to the Derby, and his cheques pay
for dinners to the pink bonnets. I don't believe the Perkinses know
what a rogue it is, but fancy him a decent, reputable City man, like his
father before him.

As for Captain Grig, what is there to tell about him? He performs the
duties of his calling with perfect gravity. He is faultless on parade;
excellent across country; amiable when drunk, rather slow when sober. He
has not two ideas, and is a most good-natured, irreproachable, gallant,
and stupid young officer.


CAVALIER SEUL.


This is my friend Bob Hely, performing the Cavalier seul in a quadrille.
Remark the good-humored pleasure depicted in his countenance. Has he any
secret grief? Has he a pain anywhere? No, dear Miss Jones, he is dancing
like a true Briton, and with all the charming gayety and abandon of our
race.

When Canaillard performs that Cavalier seul operation, does HE flinch?
No: he puts on his most vainqueur look, he sticks his thumbs into the
armholes of his waistcoat, and advances, retreats, pirouettes, and
otherwise gambadoes, as though to say, "Regarde moi, O monde! Venez, O
femmes, venez voir danser Canaillard!"

When De Bobwitz executes the same measure, he does it with smiling
agility, and graceful ease.

But poor Hely, if he were advancing to a dentist, his face would not be
more cheerful. All the eyes of the room are upon him, he thinks; and he
thinks he looks like a fool.

Upon my word, if you press the point with me, dear Miss Jones, I think
he is not very far from right. I think that while Frenchmen and Germans
may dance, as it is their nature to do, there is a natural dignity about
us Britons, which debars us from that enjoyment. I am rather of the
Turkish opinion, that this should be done for us. I think . . .

"Good-by, you envious old fox-and-the-grapes," says Miss Jones, and the
next moment I see her whirling by in a polka with Tom Tozer, at a pace
which makes me shrink back with terror into the little boudoir.


M. CANAILLARD, CHEVALIER OF THE LEGION OF HONOR.

LIEUTENANT BARON DE BOBWITZ.


Canaillard. Oh, ces Anglais! quels hommes, mon Dieu! Comme ils sont
habilles, comme ils dansent!

Bobwitz.--Ce sont de beaux hommes bourtant; point de tenue militaire,
mais de grands gaillards; si je les avais dans ma compagnie de la Garde,
j'en ferai de bons soldats.

Canaillard.--Est-il bete, cet Allemand! Les grands hommes ne font pas
toujours de bons soldats, Monsieur. Il me semble que les soldats de
France qui sont de ma taille, Monsieur, valent un peu mieux . . .

Bobwitz.--Vous croyez?

Canaillard.--Comment! je le crois, Monsieur? J'en suis sur! Il me
semble, Monsieur, que nous l'avons prouve.

Bobwitz (impatiently).--Je m'en vais danser la Bolka. Serviteur,
Monsieur.

Canaillard.--Butor! (He goes and looks at himself in the glass, when he
is seized by Mrs. Perkins for the Polka.)


THE BOUDOIR.

MR. SMITH, MR. BROWN, MISS BUSTLETON.


Mr. Brown.--You polk, Miss Bustleton? I'm SO delaighted.

Miss Bustleton.--[Smiles and prepares to rise.]

Mr. Smith.--D--- puppy.

(Poor Smith don't polk.)


GRAND POLKA.


Though a quadrille seems to me as dreary as a funeral, yet to look at a
polka, I own, is pleasant. See! Brown and Emily Bustleton are whirling
round as light as two pigeons over a dovecot; Tozer, with that wicked
whisking little Jones, spins along as merrily as a May-day sweep; Miss
Joy is the partner of the happy Fred Sparks; and even Miss Ranville
is pleased, for the faultless Captain Grig is toe and heel with her.
Beaumoris, with rather a nonchalant air, takes a turn with Miss Trotter,
at which Lord Methuseleh's wrinkled chops quiver uneasily. See! how the
big Baron de Bobwitz spins lightly, and gravely, and gracefully round;
and lo! the Frenchman staggering under the weight of Miss Bunion, who
tramps and kicks like a young cart-horse.

But the most awful sight which met my view in this dance was the
unfortunate Miss Little, to whom fate had assigned THE MULLIGAN as a
partner. Like a pavid kid in the talons of an eagle, that young creature
trembled in his huge Milesian grasp. Disdaining the recognized form of
the dance, the Irish chieftain accommodated the music to the dance of
his own green land, and performed a double shuffle jig, carrying Miss
Little along with him. Miss Ranville and her Captain shrank back
amazed; Miss Trotter skirried out of his way into the protection of the
astonished Lord Methuselah; Fred Sparks could hardly move for laughing;
while, on the contrary, Miss Joy was quite in pain for poor Sophy
Little. As Canaillard and the Poetess came up, The Mulligan, in the
height of his enthusiasm, lunged out a kick which sent Miss Bunion
howling; and concluded with a tremendous Hurroo!--a war-cry which caused
every Saxon heart to shudder and quail.

"Oh that the earth would open and kindly take me in!" I exclaimed
mentally; and slunk off into the lower regions, where by this time half
the company were at supper.


THE SUPPER.


The supper is going on behind the screen. There is no need to draw
the supper. We all know that sort of transaction: the squabbling, and
gobbling, and popping of champagne; the smell of musk and lobster-salad;
the dowagers chumping away at plates of raised pie; the young lassies
nibbling at little titbits, which the dexterous young gentlemen procure.
Three large men, like doctors of divinity, wait behind the table, and
furnish everything that appetite can ask for. I never, for my part, can
eat any supper for wondering at those men. I believe if you were to
ask them for mashed turnips, or a slice of crocodile, those astonishing
people would serve you. What a contempt they must have for the guttling
crowd to whom they minister--those solemn pastry-cook's men! How they
must hate jellies, and game-pies, and champagne, in their hearts! How
they must scorn my poor friend Grundsell behind the screen, who is
sucking at a bottle!

This disguised green-grocer is a very well-known character in the
neighborhood of Pocklington Square. He waits at the parties of the
gentry in the neighborhood, and though, of course, despised in families
where a footman is kept, is a person of much importance in female
establishments.

Miss Jonas always employs him at her parties, and says to her page,
"Vincent, send the butler, or send Desborough to me;" by which name she
chooses to designate G. G.

When the Miss Frumps have post-horses to their carriage, and pay visits,
Grundsell always goes behind. Those ladies have the greatest confidence
in him, have been godmothers to fourteen of his children, and leave
their house in his charge when they go to Bognor for the summer. He
attended those ladies when they were presented at the last drawing-room
of her Majesty Queen Charlotte.

                             GEORGE GRUNDSELL,

                         GREEN-GROCER AND SALESMAN,

                      9, LITTLE POCKLINGTON BUILDINGS,

                  LATE CONFIDENTIAL SERVANT IN THE FAMILY OF

                          THE LORD MAYOR OF LONDON.


     Carpets Beat.--Knives and Boots cleaned per contract.--Errands
     faithfully performed--G. G. attends Ball and Dinner parties,
     and from his knowledge of the most distinguished Families in
     London, confidently recommends his services to the
     distinguished neighbourhood of Pocklington Square.

Mr. Grundsell's state costume is a blue coat and copper buttons, a white
waistcoat, and an immense frill and shirt-collar. He was for many years
a private watchman, and once canvassed for the office of parish clerk
of St. Peter's Pocklington. He can be intrusted with untold spoons; with
anything, in fact, but liquor; and it was he who brought round the cards
for MRS. PERKINS'S BALL.


AFTER SUPPER.


I do not intend to say any more about it. After the people had supped,
they went back and danced. Some supped again. I gave Miss Bunion,
with my own hands, four bumpers of champagne: and such a quantity
of goose-liver and truffles, that I don't wonder she took a glass of
cherry-brandy afterwards. The gray morning was in Pocklington Square as
she drove away in her fly. So did the other people go away. How green
and sallow some of the girls looked, and how awfully clear Mrs. Colonel
Bludyer's rouge was! Lady Jane Ranville's great coach had roared away
down the streets long before. Fred Minchin pattered off in his clogs:
it was I who covered up Miss Meggot, and conducted her, with her two
old sisters, to the carriage. Good old souls! They have shown their
gratitude by asking me to tea next Tuesday. Methuselah is gone to finish
the night at the club. "Mind to-morrow," Miss Trotter says, kissing
her hand out of the carriage. Canaillard departs, asking the way to
"Lesterre Squar." They all go away--life goes away.

Look at Miss Martin and young Ward! How tenderly the rogue is wrapping
her up! how kindly she looks at him! The old folks are whispering behind
as they wait for their carriage. What is their talk, think you? and when
shall that pair make a match? When you see those pretty little creatures
with their smiles and their blushes, and their pretty ways, would you
like to be the Grand Bashaw?

"Mind and send me a large piece of cake," I go up and whisper archly to
old Mr. Ward: and we look on rather sentimentally at the couple, almost
the last in the rooms (there, I declare, go the musicians, and the clock
is at five)--when Grundsell, with an air effare, rushes up to me and
says, "For e'v'n sake, sir, go into the supper-room: there's that Hirish
gent a-pitchin' into Mr. P."


THE MULLIGAN AND MR. PERKINS.


It was too true. I had taken him away after supper (he ran after Miss
Little's carriage, who was dying in love with him as he fancied), but
the brute had come back again. The doctors of divinity were putting up
their condiments: everybody was gone; but the abominable Mulligan sat
swinging his legs at the lonely supper-table!

Perkins was opposite, gasping at him.

The Mulligan.--I tell ye, ye are the butler, ye big fat man. Go get me
some more champagne: it's good at this house.

Mr. Perkins (with dignity).--It IS good at this house; but--

The Mulligan.--Bht hwhat, ye goggling, bow-windowed jackass? Go get the
wine, and we'll dthrink it together, my old buck.

Mr. Perkins.--My name, sir, is PERKINS.

The Mulligan.--Well, that rhymes with jerkins, my man of firkins; so
don't let us have any more shirkings and lurkings, Mr. Perkins.

Mr. Perkins (with apoplectic energy).--Sir, I am the master of this
house; and I order you to quit it. I'll not be insulted, sir. I'll send
for a policeman, sir. What do you mean, Mr. Titmarsh, sir, by bringing
this--this beast into my house, sir?

At this, with a scream like that of a Hyrcanian tiger, Mulligan of the
hundred battles sprang forward at his prey; but we were beforehand with
him. Mr. Gregory, Mr. Grundsell, Sir Giles Bacon's large man, the young
gentlemen, and myself, rushed simultaneously upon the tipsy chieftain,
and confined him. The doctors of divinity looked on with perfect
indifference. That Mr. Perkins did not go off in a fit is a wonder. He
was led away heaving and snorting frightfully.

Somebody smashed Mulligan's hat over his eyes, and I led him forth into
the silent morning. The chirrup of the birds, the freshness of the rosy
air, and a penn'orth of coffee that I got for him at a stall in the
Regent Circus, revived him somewhat. When I quitted him, he was not
angry but sad. He was desirous, it is true, of avenging the wrongs of
Erin in battle line; he wished also to share the grave of Sarsfield and
Hugh O'Neill; but he was sure that Miss Perkins, as well as Miss Little,
was desperately in love with him; and I left him on a doorstep in tears.


"Is it best to be laughing-mad, or crying-mad, in the world?" says I
moodily, coming into my street. Betsy the maid was already up and at
work, on her knees, scouring the steps, and cheerfully beginning her
honest daily labor.




OUR STREET

BY MR. M. A TITMARSH.


Our street, from the little nook which I occupy in it, and whence I
and a fellow-lodger and friend of mine cynically observe it, presents a
strange motley scene. We are in a state of transition. We are not as yet
in the town, and we have left the country, where we were when I came
to lodge with Mrs. Cammysole, my excellent landlady. I then took
second-floor apartments at No. 17, Waddilove Street, and since, although
I have never moved (having various little comforts about me), I find
myself living at No. 46A, Pocklington Gardens.

Why is this? Why am I to pay eighteen shillings instead of fifteen? I
was quite as happy in Waddilove Street; but the fact is, a great
portion of that venerable old district has passed away, and we are being
absorbed into the splendid new white-stuccoed Doric-porticoed genteel
Pocklington quarter. Sir Thomas Gibbs Pocklington, M. P. for the borough
of Lathanplaster, is the founder of the district and his own fortune.
The Pocklington Estate Office is in the Square, on a line with
Waddil--with Pocklington Gardens I mean. The old inn, the "Ram and
Magpie," where the market-gardeners used to bait, came out this year
with a new white face and title, the shield, &c. of the "Pocklington
Arms." Such a shield it is! Such quarterings! Howard, Cavendish, De Ros,
De la Zouche, all mingled together.

Even our house, 46A, which Mrs. Cammysole has had painted white in
compliment to the Gardens of which it now forms part, is a sort of
impostor, and has no business to be called Gardens at all. Mr. Gibbs,
Sir Thomas's agent and nephew, is furious at our daring to take the
title which belongs to our betters. The very next door (No. 46, the
Honorable Mrs. Mountnoddy,) is a house of five stories, shooting up
proudly into the air, thirty feet above our old high-roofed low-roomed
old tenement. Our house belongs to Captain Bragg, not only the landlord
but the son-in-law of Mrs. Cammysole, who lives a couple of hundred
yards down the street, at "The Bungalow." He was the commander of the
"Ram Chunder" East Indiaman, and has quarrelled with the Pocklingtons
ever since he bought houses in the parish.

He it is who will not sell or alter his houses to suit the spirit of the
times. He it is who, though he made the widow Cammysole change the name
of her street, will not pull down the house next door, nor the baker's
next, nor the iron-bedstead and feather warehouse ensuing, nor the
little barber's with the pole, nor, I am ashamed to say, the tripe-shop,
still standing. The barber powders the heads of the great footmen from
Pocklington Gardens; they are so big that they can scarcely sit in his
little premises. And the old tavern, the "East Indiaman," is kept by
Bragg's ship-steward, and protests against the "Pocklington Arms."

Down the road is Pocklington Chapel, Rev. Oldham Slocum--in brick, with
arched windows and a wooden belfry: sober, dingy, and hideous. In the
centre of Pocklington Gardens rises St. Waltheof's, the Rev. Cyril
Thuryfer and assistants--a splendid Anglo-Norman edifice, vast, rich,
elaborate, bran new, and intensely old. Down Avemary Lane you may hear
the clink of the little Romish chapel bell. And hard by is a large
broad-shouldered Ebenezer (Rev. Jonas Gronow), out of the windows of
which the hymns come booming all Sunday long.

Going westward along the line, we come presently to Comandine House (on
a part of the gardens of which Comandine Gardens is about to be erected
by his lordship); farther on, "The Pineries," Mr. and Lady Mary Mango:
and so we get into the country, and out of Our Street altogether, as I
may say. But in the half-mile, over which it may be said to extend, we
find all sorts and conditions of people--from the Right Honorable Lord
Comandine down to the present topographer; who being of no rank as it
were, has the fortune to be treated on almost friendly footing by all,
from his lordship down to the tradesman.


OUR HOUSE IN OUR STREET


We must begin our little descriptions where they say charity should
begin--at home. Mrs. Cammysole, my landlady, will be rather surprised
when she reads this, and finds that a good-natured tenant, who has never
complained of her impositions for fifteen years, understands every one
of her tricks, and treats them, not with anger, but with scorn--with
silent scorn.

On the 18th of December, 1837, for instance, coming gently down stairs,
and before my usual wont, I saw you seated in my arm-chair, peeping into
a letter that came from my aunt in the country, just as if it had been
addressed to you, and not to "M. A. Titmarsh, Esq." Did I make any
disturbance? far from it; I slunk back to my bedroom (being enabled to
walk silently in the beautiful pair of worsted slippers Miss Penelope
J--s worked for me: they are worn out now, dear Penelope!) and then
rattling open the door with a great noise, descending the stairs,
singing "Son vergin vezzosa" at the top of my voice. You were not in my
sitting-room, Mrs. Cammysole, when I entered that apartment.

You have been reading all my letters, papers, manuscripts, brouillons
of verses, inchoate articles for the Morning Post and Morning Chronicle,
invitations to dinner and tea--all my family letters, all Eliza
Townley's letters, from the first, in which she declared that to be the
bride of her beloved Michelagnolo was the fondest wish of her maiden
heart, to the last, in which she announced that her Thomas was the
best of husbands, and signed herself "Eliza Slogger;" all Mary
Farmer's letters, all Emily Delamere's; all that poor foolish old Miss
MacWhirter's, whom I would as soon marry as ----: in a word, I know
that you, you hawk-beaked, keen-eyed, sleepless, indefatigable old Mrs.
Cammysole, have read all my papers for these fifteen years.

I know that you cast your curious old eyes over all the manuscripts
which you find in my coat-pockets and those of my pantaloons, as they
hang in a drapery over the door-handle of my bedroom.

I know that you count the money in my green and gold purse, which Lucy
Netterville gave me, and speculate on the manner in which I have laid
out the difference between to-day and yesterday.

I know that you have an understanding with the laundress (to whom you
say that you are all-powerful with me), threatening to take away my
practice from her, unless she gets up gratis some of your fine linen.

I know that we both have a pennyworth of cream for breakfast, which is
brought in in the same little can; and I know who has the most for her
share.

I know how many lumps of sugar you take from each pound as it arrives.
I have counted the lumps, you old thief, and for years have never said
a word, except to Miss Clapperclaw, the first-floor lodger. Once I put
a bottle of pale brandy into that cupboard, of which you and I only have
keys, and the liquor wasted and wasted away until it was all gone. You
drank the whole of it, you wicked old woman. You a lady, indeed!

I know your rage when they did me the honor to elect me a member of the
"Poluphloisboiothalasses Club," and I ceased consequently to dine at
home. When I DID dine at home,--on a beefsteak let us say,--I should
like to know what you had for supper. You first amputated portions of
the meat when raw; you abstracted more when cooked. Do you think I was
taken in by your flimsy pretences? I wonder how you could dare to do
such things before your maids (you a clergyman's daughter and widow,
indeed), whom you yourself were always charging with roguery.

Yes, the insolence of the old woman is unbearable, and I must break out
at last. If she goes off in a fit at reading this, I am sure I shan't
mind. She has two unhappy wenches, against whom her old tongue is
clacking from morning till night: she pounces on them at all hours. It
was but this morning at eight, when poor Molly was brooming the steps,
and the baker paying her by no means unmerited compliments, that my
landlady came whirling out of the ground-floor front, and sent the poor
girl whimpering into the kitchen.

Were it but for her conduct to her maids I was determined publicly
to denounce her. These poor wretches she causes to lead the lives of
demons; and not content with bullying them all day, she sleeps at
night in the same room with them, so that she may have them up before
daybreak, and scold them while they are dressing.

Certain it is, that between her and Miss Clapperclaw, on the first
floor, the poor wenches lead a dismal life.

It is to you that I owe most of my knowledge of our neighbors; from you
it is that most of the facts and observations contained in these brief
pages are taken. Many a night, over our tea, have we talked amiably
about our neighbors and their little failings; and as I know that you
speak of mine pretty freely, why, let me say, my dear Bessy, that if we
have not built up Our Street between us, at least we have pulled it to
pieces.


THE BUNGALOW--CAPTAIN AND MRS. BRAGG.


Long, long ago, when Our Street was the country--a stagecoach between us
and London passing four times a day--I do not care to own that it was a
sight of Flora Cammysole's face, under the card of her mamma's "Lodgings
to Let," which first caused me to become a tenant of Our Street. A fine
good-humored lass she was then; and I gave her lessons (part out of the
rent) in French and flower-painting. She has made a fine rich marriage
since, although her eyes have often seemed to me to say, "Ah, Mr. T.,
why didn't you, when there was yet time, and we both of us were free,
propose--you know what?" "Psha! Where was the money, my dear madam?"

Captain Bragg, then occupied in building Bungalow Lodge--Bragg, I say,
living on the first floor, and entertaining sea-captains, merchants, and
East Indian friends with his grand ship's plate, being disappointed in a
project of marrying a director's daughter, who was also a second
cousin once removed of a peer,--sent in a fury for Mrs. Cammysole, his
landlady, and proposed to marry Flora off-hand, and settle four
hundred a year upon her. Flora was ordered from the back-parlor (the
ground-floor occupies the second-floor bedroom), and was on the spot
made acquainted with the splendid offer which the first-floor had made
her. She has been Mrs. Captain Bragg these twelve years.

Bragg to this day wears anchor-buttons, and has a dress-coat with a gold
strap for epaulets, in case he should have a fancy to sport them. His
house is covered with portraits, busts, and miniatures of himself. His
wife is made to wear one of the latter. On his sideboard are pieces
of plate, presented by the passengers of the "Ram Chunder" to Captain
Bragg: "The 'Ram Chunder' East Indiaman, in a gale, off Table Bay;"
"The Outward-bound Fleet, under convoy of her Majesty's frigate
'Loblollyboy,' Captain Gutch, beating off the French squadron, under
Commodore Leloup (the 'Ram Chunder,' S.E. by E., is represented engaged
with the 'Mirliton' corvette);" "The 'Ram Chunder' standing into the
Hooghly, with Captain Bragg, his telescope and speaking-trumpet, on the
poop;" "Captain Bragg presenting the Officers of the 'Ram Chunder' to
General Bonaparte at St. Helena--TITMARSH" (this fine piece was painted
by me when I was in favor with Bragg); in a word, Bragg and the "Ram
Chunder" are all over the house.

Although I have eaten scores of dinners at Captain Bragg's charge,
yet his hospitality is so insolent, that none of us who frequent his
mahogany feel any obligation to our braggart entertainer.

After he has given one of his great heavy dinners he always takes an
opportunity to tell you, in the most public way, how many bottles of
wine were drunk. His pleasure is to make his guests tipsy, and to
tell everybody how and when the period of inebriation arose. And Miss
Clapperclaw tells me that he often comes over laughing and giggling
to her, and pretending that he has brought ME into this condition--a
calumny which I fling contemptuously in his face.

He scarcely gives any but men's parties, and invites the whole club home
to dinner. What is the compliment of being asked, when the whole club is
asked too, I should like to know? Men's parties are only good for boys.
I hate a dinner where there are no women. Bragg sits at the head of his
table, and bullies the solitary Mrs. Bragg.

He entertains us with stories of storms which he, Bragg, encountered--of
dinners which he, Bragg, has received from the Governor-General of
India--of jokes which he, Bragg, has heard; and however stale or odious
they may be, poor Mrs. B. is always expected to laugh.

Woe be to her if she doesn't, or if she laughs at anybody else's jokes.
I have seen Bragg go up to her and squeeze her arm with a savage grind
of his teeth, and say, with an oath, "Hang it, madam, how dare you laugh
when any man but your husband speaks to you? I forbid you to grin in
that way. I forbid you to look sulky. I forbid you to look happy, or to
look up, or to keep your eyes down to the ground. I desire you will not
be trapesing through the rooms. I order you not to sit as still as
a stone." He curses her if the wine is corked, or if the dinner is
spoiled, or if she comes a minute too soon to the club for him, or
arrives a minute too late. He forbids her to walk, except upon his arm.
And the consequence of his ill treatment is, that Mrs. Cammysole and
Mrs. Bragg respect him beyond measure, and think him the first of human
beings.

"I never knew a woman who was constantly bullied by her husband who did
not like him the better for it," Miss Clapperclaw says. And though this
speech has some of Clapp's usual sardonic humor in it, I can't but think
there is some truth in the remark.


LEVANT HOUSE CHAMBERS.

MR. RUMBOLD, A.R.A., AND MISS RUMBOLD.


When Lord Levant quitted the country and this neighborhood, in which the
tradesmen still deplore him, No. 56, known as Levantine House, was let
to the "Pococurante Club," which was speedily bankrupt (for we are
too far from the centre of town to support a club of our own); it was
subsequently hired by the West Diddlesex Railroad; and is now divided
into sets of chambers, superintended by an acrimonious housekeeper, and
by a porter in a sham livery: whom, if you don't find him at the door,
you may as well seek at the "Grapes" public-house, in the little lane
round the corner. He varnishes the japan-boots of the dandy lodgers;
reads Mr. Pinkney's Morning Post before he lets him have it; and
neglects the letters of the inmates of the chambers generally.

The great rooms, which were occupied as the salons of the noble Levant,
the coffee-rooms of the "Pococurante" (a club where the play was
furious, as I am told), and the board-room and manager's-room of the
West Diddlesex, are tenanted now by a couple of artists: young Pinkney
the miniaturist, and George Rumbold the historical painter. Miss
Rumbold, his sister lives with him, by the way; but with that young lady
of course we have nothing to do.

I knew both these gentlemen at Rome, where George wore a velvet doublet
and a beard down to his chest, and used to talk about high art at the
"Caffe Greco." How it smelled of smoke, that velveteen doublet of his,
with which his stringy red beard was likewise perfumed! It was in his
studio that I had the honor to be introduced to his sister, the fair
Miss Clara: she had a large casque with a red horse-hair plume (I
thought it had been a wisp of her brother's beard at first), and held a
tin-headed spear in her hand, representing a Roman warrior in the great
picture of "Caractacus" George was painting--a piece sixty-four feet by
eighteen. The Roman warrior blushed to be discovered in that attitude:
the tin-headed spear trembled in the whitest arm in the world. So she
put it down, and taking off the helmet also, went and sat in a far
corner of the studio, mending George's stockings; whilst we smoked a
couple of pipes, and talked about Raphael being a good deal overrated.

I think he is; and have never disguised my opinion about the
"Transfiguration.". And all the time we talked, there were Clara's
eyes looking lucidly out from the dark corner in which she was sitting,
working away at the stockings. The lucky fellow! They were in a dreadful
state of bad repair when she came out to him at Rome, after the death of
their father, the Reverend Miles Rumbold.

George, while at Rome, painted "Caractacus;" a picture of "Non Angli
sed Angeli" of course; a picture of "Alfred in the Neatherd's Cottage,"
seventy-two feet by forty-eight--(an idea of the gigantic size and
Michel-Angelesque proportions of this picture may be formed, when I
state that the mere muffin, of which the outcast king is spoiling the
baking, is two feet three in diameter) and the deaths of Socrates, of
Remus, and of the Christians under Nero respectively. I shall never
forget how lovely Clara looked in white muslin, with her hair down,
in this latter picture, giving herself up to a ferocious Carnifex (for
which Bob Gaunter the architect sat), and refusing to listen to the
mild suggestions of an insinuating Flamen: which character was a gross
caricature of myself.

None of George's pictures sold. He has enough to tapestry Trafalgar
Square. He has painted, since he came back to England, "The Flaying of
Marsyas," "The Smothering of the Little Boys in the Tower," "A Plague
Scene during the Great Pestilence," "Ugolino on the Seventh Day after
he was deprived of Victuals," &c. For although these pictures have
great merit, and the writhings of Marsyas, the convulsions of the little
prince, the look of agony of St. Lawrence on the gridiron, &c. are quite
true to nature, yet the subjects somehow are not agreeable; and if he
hadn't a small patrimony, my friend George would starve.

Fondness for art leads me a great deal to his studio. George is a
gentleman, and has very good friends, and good pluck too. When we were
at Rome, there was a great row between him and young Heeltap,
Lord Boxmoor's son, who was uncivil to Miss Rumbold; (the young
scoundrel--had I been a fighting man, I should like to have shot him
myself!). Lady Betty Bulbul is very fond of Clara; and Tom Bulbul, who
took George's message to Heeltap, is always hanging about the studio.
At least I know that I find the young jackanapes there almost every day,
bringing a new novel, or some poisonous French poetry, or a basket of
flowers, or grapes, with Lady Betty's love to her dear Clara--a young
rascal with white kids, and his hair curled every morning. What business
has HE to be dangling about George Rumbold's premises, and sticking up
his ugly pug-face as a model for all George's pictures?

Miss Clapperclaw says Bulbul is evidently smitten, and Clara too. What!
would she put up with such a little fribble as that, when there is a
man of intellect and taste who--but I won't believe it. It is all the
jealousy of women.


SOME OF THE SERVANTS IN OUR STREET.


These gentlemen have two clubs in our quarter--for the butlers at the
"Indiaman," and for the gents in livery at the "Pocklington Arms"--of
either of which societies I should like to be a member. I am sure they
could not be so dull as our club at the "Poluphloisboio," where one
meets the same neat, clean, respectable old fogies every day.

But with the best wishes, it is impossible for the present writer to
join either the "Plate Club" or the "Uniform Club" (as these reunions
are designated); for one could not shake hands with a friend who was
standing behind your chair, or nod a How-d'ye-do? to the butler who was
pouring you out a glass of wine;--so that what I know about the gents in
our neighborhood is from mere casual observation. For instance, I have a
slight acquaintance with (1) Thomas Spavin, who commonly wears an air of
injured innocence, and is groom to Mr. Joseph Green, of Our Street.
"I tell why the brougham 'oss is out of condition, and why Desperation
broke out all in a lather! 'Osses will, this 'eavy weather; and
Desperation was always the most mystest hoss I ever see.--I take him out
with Mr. Anderson's 'ounds--I'm above it. I allis was too timid to ride
to 'ounds by natur; and Colonel Sprigs' groom as says he saw me, is a
liar," &c. &c.

Such is the tenor of Mr. Spavin's remarks to his master. Whereas all the
world in Our Street knows that Mr. Spavin spends at least a hundred a
year in beer; that he keeps a betting-book; that he has lent Mr. Green's
black brougham horse to the omnibus driver; and, at a time when Mr.
G. supposed him at the veterinary surgeon's, has lent him to a livery
stable, which has let him out to that gentleman himself, and actually
driven him to dinner behind his own horse.

This conduct I can understand, but I cannot excuse--Mr. Spavin may; and
I leave the matter to be settled betwixt himself and Mr. Green.

The second is Monsieur Sinbad, Mr. Clarence Bulbul's man, whom we all
hate Clarence for keeping.

Mr. Sinbad is a foreigner, speaking no known language, but a mixture
of every European dialect--so that he may be an Italian brigand, or a
Tyrolese minstrel, or a Spanish smuggler, for what we know. I have heard
say that he is neither of these, but an Irish Jew.

He wears studs, hair-oil, jewellery, and linen shirt-fronts, very finely
embroidered, but not particular for whiteness. He generally appears in
faded velvet waistcoats of a morning, and is always perfumed with stale
tobacco. He wears large rings on his hands, which look as if he kept
them up the chimney.

He does not appear to do anything earthly for Clarence Bulbul, except
to smoke his cigars, and to practise on his guitar. He will not answer
a bell, nor fetch a glass of water, nor go of an errand on which,
au reste, Clarence dares not send him, being entirely afraid of his
servant, and not daring to use him, or to abuse him, or to send him
away.

3. Adams--Mr. Champignon's man--a good old man in an old livery coat
with old worsted lace--so very old, deaf, surly, and faithful, that you
wonder how he should have got into the family at all; who never kept a
footman till last year, when they came into the street.

Miss Clapperclaw says she believes Adams to be Mrs. Champignon's father,
and he certainly has a look of that lady; as Miss C. pointed out to me
at dinner one night, whilst old Adams was blundering about amongst the
hired men from Gunter's, and falling over the silver dishes.

4. Fipps, the buttoniest page in all the street: walks behind Mrs.
Grimsby with her prayer-book, and protects her.

"If that woman wants a protector" (a female acquaintance remarks),
"heaven be good to us! She is as big as an ogress, and has an upper lip
which many a cornet of the Lifeguards might envy. Her poor dear husband
was a big man, and she could beat him easily; and did too. Mrs. Grimsby
indeed! Why, my dear Mr. Titmarsh, it is Glumdalca walking with Tom
Thumb."

This observation of Miss C.'s is very true, and Mrs. Grimsby might carry
her prayer-book to church herself. But Miss Clapperclaw, who is pretty
well able to take care of herself too, was glad enough to have the
protection of the page when she went out in the fly to pay visits, and
before Mrs. Grimsby and she quarrelled at whist at Lady Pocklington's.

After this merely parenthetic observation, we come to 5, one of her
ladyship's large men, Mr. Jeames--a gentleman of vast stature and
proportions, who is almost nose to nose with us as we pass her
ladyship's door on the outside of the omnibus. I think Jeames has a
contempt for a man whom he witnesses in that position. I have fancied
something like that feeling showed itself (as far as it may in a
well-bred gentleman accustomed to society) in his behavior, while
waiting behind my chair at dinner.

But I take Jeames to be, like most giants, good-natured, lazy, stupid,
soft-hearted, and extremely fond of drink. One night, his lady being
engaged to dinner at Nightingale House, I saw Mr. Jeames resting himself
on a bench at the "Pocklington Arms:" where, as he had no liquor before
him, he had probably exhausted his credit.

Little Spitfire, Mr. Clarence Bulbul's boy, the wickedest little varlet
that ever hung on to a cab, was "chaffing" Mr. Jeames, holding up to his
face a pot of porter almost as big as the young potifer himself.

"Vill you now, Big'un, or von't you?" Spitfire said. "If you're thirsty,
vy don't you say so and squench it, old boy?"

"Don't ago on making fun of me--I can't abear chaffin'," was the reply
of Mr. Jeames, and tears actually stood in his fine eyes as he looked at
the porter and the screeching little imp before him.

Spitfire (real name unknown) gave him some of the drink: I am happy to
say Jeames's face wore quite a different look when it rose gasping out
of the porter; and I judge of his dispositions from the above trivial
incident.

The last boy in the sketch, 6, need scarcely be particularized. Doctor's
boy; was a charity-boy; stripes evidently added on to a pair of the
doctor's clothes of last year--Miss Clapperclaw pointed this out to me
with a giggle. Nothing escapes that old woman.

As we were walking in Kensington Gardens, she pointed me out Mrs.
Bragg's nursery-maid, who sings so loud at church, engaged with a
Lifeguardsman, whom she was trying to convert probably. My virtuous
friend rose indignant at the sight.

"That's why these minxes like Kensington Gardens," she cried. "Look at
the woman: she leaves the baby on the grass, for the giant to trample
upon; and that little wretch of a Hastings Bragg is riding on the
monster's cane."

Miss C. flew up and seized the infant, waking it out of its sleep, and
causing all the gardens to echo with its squalling. "I'll teach you to
be impudent to me," she said to the nursery-maid, with whom my vivacious
old friend, I suppose, has had a difference; and she would not release
the infant until she had rung the bell of Bungalow Lodge, where she gave
it up to the footman.

The giant in scarlet had slunk down towards Knightsbridge meanwhile. The
big rogues are always crossing the Park and the Gardens, and hankering
about Our Street.


WHAT SOMETIMES HAPPENS IN OUR STREET.


It was before old Hunkington's house that the mutes were standing, as I
passed and saw this group at the door. The charity-boy with the hoop is
the son of the jolly-looking mute; he admires his father, who admires
himself too, in those bran-new sables. The other infants are the spawn
of the alleys about Our Street. Only the parson and the typhus fever
visit those mysterious haunts, which lie crouched about our splendid
houses like Lazarus at the threshold of Dives.

Those little ones come crawling abroad in the sunshine, to the annoyance
of the beadles, and the horror of a number of good people in the street.
They will bring up the rear of the procession anon, when the grand
omnibus with the feathers, and the line coaches with the long-tailed
black horses, and the gentleman's private carriages with the shutters
up, pass along to Saint Waltheof's.

You can hear the slow bell tolling clear in the sunshine already,
mingling with the crowing of "Punch," who is passing down the street
with his show; and the two musics make a queer medley.

Not near so many people, I remark, engage "Punch" now as in the good old
times. I suppose our quarter is growing too genteel for him.

Miss Bridget Jones, a poor curate's daughter in Wales, comes into all
Hunkington's property, and will take his name, as I am told. Nobody
ever heard of her before. I am sure Captain Hunkington, and his brother
Barnwell Hunkington, must wish that the lucky young lady had never been
heard of to the present day.

But they will have the consolation of thinking that they did their duty
by their uncle, and consoled his declining years. It was but last month
that Millwood Hunkington (the Captain) sent the old gentleman a service
of plate; and Mrs. Barnwell got a reclining carriage at a great expense
from Hobbs and Dobbs's, in which the old gentleman went out only once.

"It is a punishment on those Hunkingtons," Miss Clapperclaw remarks:
"upon those people who have been always living beyond their little
incomes, and always speculating upon what the old man would leave them,
and always coaxing him with presents which they could not afford, and
he did not want. It is a punishment upon those Hunkingtons to be so
disappointed."

"Think of giving him plate," Miss C. justly says, "who had chests-full;
and sending him a carriage, who could afford to buy all Long Acre. And
everything goes to Miss Jones Hunkington. I wonder will she give the
things back?" Miss Clapperclaw asks. "I wouldn't."

And indeed I don't think Miss Clapperclaw would.


SOMEBODY WHOM NOBODY KNOWS.


That pretty little house, the last in Pocklington Square, was lately
occupied by a young widow lady who wore a pink bonnet, a short silk
dress, sustained by a crinoline, and a light blue mantle, or over-jacket
(Miss C. is not here to tell me the name of the garment); or else a
black velvet pelisse, a yellow shawl, and a white bonnet; or else--but
never mind the dress, which seemed to be of the handsomest sort money
could buy--and who had very long glossy black ringlets, and a peculiarly
brilliant complexion,--No. 96, Pocklington Square, I say, was lately
occupied by a widow lady named Mrs. Stafford Molyneux.

The very first day on which an intimate and valued female friend of mine
saw Mrs. Stafford Molyneux stepping into a brougham, with a splendid bay
horse, and without a footman, (mark, if you please, that delicate sign
of respectability,) and after a moment's examination of Mrs. S. M.'s
toilette, her manners, little dog, carnation-colored parasol, &c., Miss
Elizabeth Clapperclaw clapped to the opera-glass with which she had been
regarding the new inhabitant of Our Street, came away from the window
in a great flurry, and began poking her fire in a fit of virtuous
indignation.

"She's very pretty," said I, who had been looking over Miss C.'s
shoulder at the widow with the flashing eyes and drooping ringlets.

"Hold your tongue, sir," said Miss Clapperclaw, tossing up her virgin
head with an indignant blush on her nose. "It's a sin and a shame that
such a creature should be riding in her carriage, forsooth, when honest
people must go on foot."

Subsequent observations confirmed my revered fellow-lodger's anger and
opinion. We have watched Hansom cabs standing before that lady's house
for hours; we have seen broughams, with great flaring eyes,
keeping watch there in the darkness; we have seen the vans from the
comestible-shops drive up and discharge loads of wines, groceries,
French plums, and other articles of luxurious horror. We have seen Count
Wowski's drag, Lord Martingale's carriage, Mr. Deuceace's cab drive up
there time after time; and (having remarked previously the pastry-cook's
men arrive with the trays and entrees), we have known that this widow
was giving dinners at the little house in Pocklington Square--dinners
such as decent people could not hope to enjoy.

My excellent friend has been in a perfect fury when Mrs. Stafford
Molyneux, in a black velvet riding-habit, with a hat and feather, has
come out and mounted an odious gray horse, and has cantered down the
street, followed by her groom upon a bay.

"It won't last long--it must end in shame and humiliation," my dear Miss
C. has remarked, disappointed that the tiles and chimney-pots did not
fall down upon Mrs. Stafford Molyneux's head, and crush that cantering,
audacious woman.

But it was a consolation to see her when she walked out with a French
maid, a couple of children, and a little dog hanging on to her by a blue
ribbon. She always held down her head then--her head with the drooping
black ringlets. The virtuous and well-disposed avoided her. I have
seen the Square-keeper himself look puzzled as she passed; and Lady
Kicklebury walking by with Miss K., her daughter, turn away from Mrs.
Stafford Molyneux, and fling back at her a ruthless Parthian glance that
ought to have killed any woman of decent sensibility.

That wretched woman, meanwhile, with her rouged cheeks (for rouge it
IS, Miss Clapperclaw swears, and who is a better judge?) has walked on
conscious, and yet somehow braving out the Street. You could read pride
of her beauty, pride of her fine clothes, shame of her position, in her
downcast black eyes.

As for Mademoiselle Trampoline, her French maid, she would stare the sun
itself out of countenance. One day she tossed up her head as she passed
under our windows with a look of scorn that drove Miss Clapperclaw back
to the fireplace again.

It was Mrs. Stafford Molyneux's children, however, whom I pitied the
most. Once her boy, in a flaring tartan, went up to speak to Master
Roderick Lacy, whose maid was engaged ogling a policeman; and the
children were going to make friends, being united with a hoop which
Master Molyneux had, when Master Roderick's maid, rushing up, clutched
her charge to her arms, and hurried away, leaving little Molyneux sad
and wondering.

"Why won't he play with me, mamma?" Master Molyneux asked--and his
mother's face blushed purple as she walked away.

"Ah--heaven help us and forgive us!" said I; but Miss C. can never
forgive the mother or child; and she clapped her hands for joy one day
when we saw the shutters up, bills in the windows, a carpet hanging out
over the balcony, and a crowd of shabby Jews about the steps--giving
token that the reign of Mrs. Stafford Molyneux was over. The
pastry-cooks and their trays, the bay and the gray, the brougham and the
groom, the noblemen and their cabs, were all gone; and the tradesmen in
the neighborhood were crying out that they were done.

"Serve the odious minx right!" says Miss C.; and she played at piquet
that night with more vigor than I have known her manifest for these last
ten years.

What is it that makes certain old ladies so savage upon certain
subjects? Miss C. is a good woman; pays her rent and her tradesmen;
gives plenty to the poor; is brisk with her tongue--kind-hearted in the
main; but if Mrs. Stafford Molyneux and her children were plunged into
a caldron of boiling vinegar, I think my revered friend would not take
them out.


THE MAN IN POSSESSION.


For another misfortune which occurred in Our Street we were much more
compassionate. We liked Danby Dixon, and his wife Fanny Dixon still
more. Miss C. had a paper of biscuits and a box of preserved apricots
always in the cupboard, ready for Dixon's children--provisions by
the way which she locked up under Mrs. Cammysole's nose, so that our
landlady could by no possibility lay a hand on them.

Dixon and his wife had the neatest little house possible, (No. 16,
opposite 96,) and were liked and respected by the whole street. He was
called Dandy Dixon when he was in the dragoons, and was a light weight,
and rather famous as a gentleman rider. On his marriage, he sold out and
got fat: and was indeed a florid, contented, and jovial gentleman.

His little wife was charming--to see her in pink with some miniature
Dixons, in pink too, round about her, or in that beautiful gray dress,
with the deep black lace flounces, which she wore at my Lord Comandine's
on the night of the private theatricals, would have done any man
good. To hear her sing any of my little ballads, "Knowest Thou the
Willow-tree?" for instance, or "The Rose upon my Balcony," or "The
Humming of the Honey-bee," (far superior in MY judgment, and in that
of SOME GOOD JUDGES likewise, to that humbug Clarence Bulbul's
ballads,)--to hear her, I say, sing these, was to be in a sort of small
Elysium. Dear, dear little Fanny Dixon! she was like a little chirping
bird of Paradise. It was a shame that storms should ever ruffle such a
tender plumage.

Well, never mind about sentiment. Danby Dixon, the owner of this little
treasure, an ex-captain of Dragoons, and having nothing to do, and
a small income, wisely thought he would employ his spare time, and
increase his revenue. He became a director of the Cornaro Life Insurance
Company, of the Tregulpho tin-mines, and of four or five railroad
companies. It was amusing to see him swaggering about the City in his
clinking boots, and with his high and mighty dragoon manners. For a time
his talk about shares after dinner was perfectly intolerable; and I for
one was always glad to leave him in the company of sundry very dubious
capitalists who frequented his house, and walk up to hear Mrs. Fanny
warbling at the piano with her little children about her knees.

It was only last season that they set up a carriage--the modestest
little vehicle conceivable--driven by Kirby, who had been in Dixon's
troop in the regiment, and had followed him into private life as
coachman, footman, and page.

One day lately I went into Dixon's house, hearing that some calamities
had befallen him, the particulars of which Miss Clapperclaw was desirous
to know. The creditors of the Tregulpho Mines had got a verdict against
him as one of the directors of that company; the engineer of the
Little Diddlesex Junction had sued him for two thousand three hundred
pounds--the charges of that scientific man for six weeks' labor in
surveying the line. His brother directors were to be discovered nowhere:
Windham, Dodgin, Mizzlington, and the rest, were all gone long ago.

When I entered, the door was open: there was a smell of smoke in the
dining-room, where a gentleman at noonday was seated with a pipe and
a pot of beer: a man in possession indeed, in that comfortable pretty
parlor, by that snug round table where I have so often seen Fanny
Dixon's smiling face.

Kirby, the ex-dragoon, was scowling at the fellow, who lay upon a little
settee reading the newspaper, with an evident desire to kill him. Mrs.
Kirby, his wife, held little Danby, poor Dixon's son and heir. Dixon's
portrait smiled over the sideboard still, and his wife was up stairs
in an agony of fear, with the poor little daughters of this bankrupt,
broken family.

This poor soul had actually come down and paid a visit to the man in
possession. She had sent wine and dinner to "the gentleman down stairs,"
as she called him in her terror. She had tried to move his heart, by
representing to him how innocent Captain Dixon was, and how he had
always paid, and always remained at home when everybody else had fled.
As if her tears and simple tales and entreaties could move that man
in possession out of the house, or induce him to pay the costs of the
action which her husband had lost.

Danby meanwhile was at Boulogne, sickening after his wife and children.
They sold everything in his house--all his smart furniture and neat
little stock of plate; his wardrobe and his linen, "the property of a
gentleman gone abroad;" his carriage by the best maker; and his wine
selected without regard to expense. His house was shut up as completely
as his opposite neighbor's; and a new tenant is just having it fresh
painted inside and out, as if poor Dixon had left an infection behind.

Kirby and his wife went across the water with the children and Mrs.
Fanny--she has a small settlement; and I am bound to say that our mutual
friend Miss Elizabeth C. went down with Mrs. Dixon in the fly to the
Tower Stairs, and stopped in Lombard Street by the way.

So it is that the world wags: that honest men and knaves alike are
always having ups and downs of fortune, and that we are perpetually
changing tenants in Our Street.


THE LION OF THE STREET.


What people can find in Clarence Bulbul, who has lately taken upon
himself the rank and dignity of Lion of Our Street, I have always been
at a loss to conjecture.

"He has written an Eastern book of considerable merit," Miss Clapperclaw
says; but hang it, has not everybody written an Eastern book? I should
like to meet anybody in society now who has not been up to the second
cataract. An Eastern book forsooth! My Lord Castleroyal has done one--an
honest one; my Lord Youngent another--an amusing one; my Lord Woolsey
another--a pious one; there is "The Cutlet and the Cabob"--a sentimental
one; "Timbuctoothen"--a humorous one, all ludicrously overrated, in my
opinion: not including my own little book, of which a copy or two is
still to be had, by the way.

Well, then, Clarence Bulbul, because he has made part of the little tour
that all of us know, comes back and gives himself airs, forsooth, and
howls as if he were just out of the great Libyan desert.

When we go and see him, that Irish Jew courier, whom I have before had
the honor to describe, looks up from the novel which he is reading
in the ante-room, and says, "Mon maitre est au divan," or, "Monsieur
trouvera Monsieur dans son serail," and relapses into the Comte de
Montecristo again.

Yes, the impudent wretch has actually a room in his apartments on the
ground-floor of his mother's house, which he calls his harem. When Lady
Betty Bulbul (they are of the Nightingale family) or Miss Blanche
comes down to visit him, their slippers are placed at the door, and he
receives them on an ottoman, and these infatuated women will actually
light his pipe for him.

Little Spitfire, the groom, hangs about the drawing-room, outside the
harem forsooth! so that he may be ready when Clarence Bulbul claps hands
for him to bring the pipes and coffee.

He has coffee and pipes for everybody. I should like you to have
seen the face of old Bowly, his college-tutor, called upon to sit
cross-legged on a divan, a little cup of bitter black Mocha put into his
hand, and a large amber-muzzled pipe stuck into his mouth by Spitfire,
before he could so much as say it was a fine day. Bowly almost thought
he had compromised his principles by consenting so far to this Turkish
manner.

Bulbul's dinners are, I own, very good; his pilaffs and curries
excellent. He tried to make us eat rice with our fingers, it is true;
but he scalded his own hands in the business, and invariably bedizened
his shirt; so he has left off the Turkish practice, for dinner at least,
and uses a fork like a Christian.

But it is in society that he is most remarkable; and here he would, I
own, be odious, but he becomes delightful, because all the men hate him
so. A perfect chorus of abuse is raised round about him. "Confounded
impostor," says one; "Impudent jackass," says another; "Miserable
puppy," cries a third; "I'd like to wring his neck," says Bruff,
scowling over his shoulder at him. Clarence meanwhile nods, winks,
smiles, and patronizes them all with the easiest good-humor. He is a
fellow who would poke an archbishop in the apron, or clap a duke on the
shoulder, as coolly as he would address you and me.

I saw him the other night at Mrs. Bumpsher's grand let-off. He flung
himself down cross-legged on a pink satin sofa, so that you could see
Mrs. Bumpsher quiver with rage in the distance, Bruff growl with fury
from the further room, and Miss Pim, on whose frock Bulbul's feet
rested, look up like a timid fawn.

"Fan me, Miss Pim," said he of the cushion. "You look like a perfect
Peri to-night. You remind me of a girl I once knew in Circassia--Ameena,
the sister of Schamyl Bey. Do you know, Miss Pim, that you would fetch
twenty thousand piastres in the market at Constantinople?"

"Law, Mr. Bulbul!" is all Miss Pim can ejaculate; and having talked over
Miss Pim, Clarence goes off to another houri, whom he fascinates in a
similar manner. He charmed Mrs. Waddy by telling her that she was the
exact figure of the Pasha of Egypt's second wife. He gave Miss Tokely
a piece of the sack in which Zuleika was drowned; and he actually
persuaded that poor little silly Miss Vain to turn Mahometan, and sent
her up to the Turkish ambassador's to look out for a mufti.


THE DOVE OF OUR STREET.


If Bulbul is our Lion, Young Oriel may be described as The Dove of our
colony. He is almost as great a pasha among the ladies as Bulbul. They
crowd in flocks to see him at Saint Waltheof's, where the immense height
of his forehead, the rigid asceticism of his surplice, the twang with
which he intones the service, and the namby-pamby mysticism of his
sermons, have turned all the dear girls' heads for some time past.
While we were having a rubber at Mrs. Chauntry's, whose daughters are
following the new mode, I heard the following talk (which made me revoke
by the way) going on, in what was formerly called the young ladies'
room, but is now styled the Oratory:--


THE ORATORY.

MISS CHAUNTRY. MISS ISABEL CHAUNTRY.

MISS DE L'AISLE. MISS PYX.

REV. L. ORIEL. REV. O. SLOCUM--[In the further room.]


Miss Chauntry (sighing).--Is it wrong to be in the Guards, dear Mr.
Oriel?

Miss Pyx.--She will make Frank de Boots sell out when he marries.

Mr. Oriel.--To be in the Guards, dear sister? The church has always
encouraged the army. Saint Martin of Tours was in the army; Saint
Louis was in the army; Saint Waltheof, our patron, Saint Witikind of
Aldermanbury, Saint Wamba, and Saint Walloff were in the army. Saint
Wapshot was captain of the guard of Queen Boadicea; and Saint Werewolf
was a major in the Danish cavalry. The holy Saint Ignatius of Loyola
carried a pike, as we know; and--

Miss De l'Aisle.--Will you take some tea, dear Mr. Oriel?

Oriel.--This is not one of MY feast days, Sister Emma. It is the feast
of Saint Wagstatf of Walthamstow.

The Young Ladies.--And we must not even take tea?

Oriel.--Dear sisters, I said not so. YOU may do as you list; but I am
strong (with a heart-broken sigh); don't ply me (he reels). I took a
little water and a parched pea after matins. To-morrow is a flesh day,
and--and I shall be better then.

Rev. O. Slocum (from within).--Madam, I take your heart with my small
trump.

Oriel.--Yes, better! dear sister; it is only a passing--a--weakness.

Miss I. Chauntry.--He's dying of fever.

Miss Chauntry.--I'm so glad De Boots need not leave the Blues.

Miss Pyx.--He wears sackcloth and cinders inside his waistcoat.

Miss De l'Aisle.--He's told me to-night he's going to--to--Ro-o-ome.
[Miss De l'Aisle bursts into tears.]

Rev. O. Slocum.--My lord, I have the highest club, which gives the trick
and two by honors.


Thus, you see, we have a variety of clergymen in Our Street. Mr. Oriel
is of the pointed Gothic school, while old Slocum is of the good old
tawny port-wine school: and it must be confessed that Mr. Gronow, at
Ebenezer, has a hearty abhorrence for both.

As for Gronow, I pity him, if his future lot should fall where Mr. Oriel
supposes that it will.

And as for Oriel, he has not even the benefit of purgatory, which he
would accord to his neighbor Ebenezer; while old Slocum pronounces both
to be a couple of humbugs; and Mr. Mole, the demure little beetle-browed
chaplain of the little church of Avemary Lane, keeps his sly eyes down
to the ground when he passes any one of his black-coated brethren.

There is only one point on which, my friends, they seem agreed. Slocum
likes port, but who ever heard that he neglected his poor? Gronow, if
he comminates his neighbor's congregation, is the affectionate father
of his own. Oriel, if he loves pointed Gothic and parched peas for
breakfast, has a prodigious soup-kitchen for his poor; and as for little
Father Mole, who never lifts his eyes from the ground, ask our doctor
at what bedsides he finds him, and how he soothes poverty, and braves
misery and infection.


THE BUMPSHERS.


No. 6, Pocklington Gardens, (the house with the quantity of flowers
in the windows, and the awning over the entrance,) George Bumpsher,
Esquire, M.P. for Humborough (and the Beanstalks, Kent).

For some time after this gorgeous family came into our quarter, I
mistook a bald-headed, stout person, whom I used to see looking through
the flowers on the upper windows, for Bumpsher himself, or for the
butler of the family; whereas it was no other than Mrs. Bumpsher,
without her chestnut wig, and who is at least three times the size of
her husband.

The Bumpshers and the house of Mango at the Pineries vie together in
their desire to dominate over the neighborhood; and each votes the other
a vulgar and purse-proud family. The fact is, both are City people.
Bumpsher, in his mercantile capacity, is a wholesale stationer in Thames
Street; and his wife was the daughter of an eminent bill-broking firm,
not a thousand miles from Lombard Street.

He does not sport a coronet and supporters upon his London plate and
carriages; but his country-house is emblazoned all over with those
heraldic decorations. He puts on an order when he goes abroad, and is
Count Bumpsher of the Roman States--which title he purchased from the
late Pope (through Prince Polonia the banker) for a couple of thousand
scudi.

It is as good as a coronation to see him and Mrs. Bumpsher go to Court.
I wonder the carriage can hold them both. On those days Mrs. Bumpsher
holds her own drawing-room before her Majesty's; and we are invited to
come and see her sitting in state, upon the largest sofa in her rooms.
She has need of a stout one, I promise you. Her very feathers must weigh
something considerable. The diamonds on her stomacher would embroider a
full-sized carpet-bag. She has rubies, ribbons, cameos, emeralds, gold
serpents, opals, and Valenciennes lace, as if she were an immense sample
out of Howell and James's shop.

She took up with little Pinkney at Rome, where he made a charming
picture of her, representing her as about eighteen, with a cherub in her
lap, who has some liking to Bryanstone Bumpsher, her enormous, vulgar
son; now a cornet in the Blues, and anything but a cherub, as those
would say who saw him in his uniform jacket.

I remember Pinkney when he was painting the picture, Bryanstone being
then a youth in what they call a skeleton suit (as if such a pig of a
child could ever have been dressed in anything resembling a skeleton)--I
remember, I say, Mrs. B. sitting to Pinkney in a sort of Egerian
costume, her boy by her side, whose head the artist turned round and
directed it towards a piece of gingerbread, which he was to have at the
end of the sitting.

Pinkney, indeed, a painter!--a contemptible little humbug, a parasite
of the great! He has painted Mrs. Bumpsher younger every year for these
last ten years--and you see in the advertisements of all her parties
his odious little name stuck in at the end of the list. I'm sure, for my
part, I'd scorn to enter her doors, or be the toady of any woman.


JOLLY NEWBOY, ESQ., M.P.


How different it is with the Newboys, now, where I have an entree
(having indeed had the honor in former days to give lessons to both the
ladies)--and where such a quack as Pinkney would never be allowed to
enter! A merrier house the whole quarter cannot furnish. It is there
you meet people of all ranks and degrees, not only from our quarter,
but from the rest of the town. It is there that our great man, the Right
Honorable Lord Comandine, came up and spoke to me in so encouraging
a manner that I hope to be invited to one of his lordship's excellent
dinners (of which I shall not fail to give a very flattering
description) before the season is over. It is there you find yourself
talking to statesmen, poets, and artists--not sham poets like Bulbul, or
quack artists like that Pinkney--but to the best members of all society.
It is there I made this sketch, while Miss Chesterforth was singing a
deep-toned tragic ballad, and her mother scowling behind her. What a
buzz and clack and chatter there was in the room to be sure! When Miss
Chesterforth sings, everybody begins to talk. Hicks and old Fogy were on
Ireland: Bass was roaring into old Pump's ears (or into his horn rather)
about the Navigation Laws; I was engaged talking to the charming Mrs.
Short; while Charley Bonham (a mere prig, in whom I am surprised that
the women can see anything,) was pouring out his fulsome rhapsodies in
the ears of Diana White. Lovely, lovely Diana White! were it not for
three or four other engagements, I know a heart that would suit you to a
T.

Newboy's I pronounce to be the jolliest house in the street. He has only
of late had a rush of prosperity, and turned Parliament man; for his
distant cousin, of the ancient house of Newboy of ----shire, dying,
Fred--then making believe to practise at the bar, and living with the
utmost modesty in Gray's Inn Road--found himself master of a fortune,
and a great house in the country; of which getting tired, as in the
course of nature he should, he came up to London, and took that fine
mansion in our Gardens. He represents Mumborough in Parliament, a seat
which has been time out of mind occupied by a Newboy.

Though he does not speak, being a great deal too rich, sensible, and
lazy, he somehow occupies himself with reading blue-books, and indeed
talks a great deal too much good sense of late over his dinner-table,
where there is always a cover for the present writer.

He falls asleep pretty assiduously too after that meal--a practice
which I can well pardon in him--for, between ourselves, his wife, Maria
Newboy, and his sister, Clarissa, are the loveliest and kindest of their
sex, and I would rather hear their innocent prattle, and lively talk
about their neighbors, than the best wisdom from the wisest man that
ever wore a beard.

Like a wise and good man, he leaves the question of his household
entirely to the women. They like going to the play. They like going to
Greenwich. They like coming to a party at Bachelor's hall. They are up
to all sorts of fun, in a word; in which taste the good-natured Newboy
acquiesces, provided he is left to follow his own.

It was only on the 17th of the month, that, having had the honor to dine
at the house, when, after dinner, which took place at eight, we left
Newboy to his blue-books, and went up stairs and sang a little to the
guitar afterwards--it was only on the 17th December, the night of Lady
Sowerby's party, that the following dialogue took place in the boudoir,
whither Newboy, blue-books in hand, had ascended.

He was curled up with his House of Commons boots on his wife's
arm-chair, reading his eternal blue-books, when Mrs. N. entered from her
apartment, dressed for the evening.

Mrs. N.--Frederick, won't you come?

Mr. N.--Where?

Mrs. N.--To Lady Sowerby's.

Mr. N.--I'd rather go to the Black Hole in Calcutta. Besides, this
Sanitary Report is really the most interesting--[he begins to read.]

Mrs. N.--(piqued)--Well, Mr. Titmarsh will go with us.

Mr. N.--Will he? I wish him joy.

At this juncture Miss Clarissa Newboy enters in a pink paletot, trimmed
with swansdown--looking like an angel--and we exchange glances of--what
shall I say?--of sympathy on both parts, and consummate rapture on mine.
But this is by-play.

Mrs. N.--Good night, Frederick. I think we shall be late.

Mr. N.--You won't wake me, I dare say; and you don't expect a public man
to sit up.

Mrs. N.--It's not you, it's the servants. Cocker sleeps very heavily.
The maids are best in bed, and are all ill with the influenza. I say,
Frederick dear, don't you think you had better give me YOUR CHUBB KEY?

This astonishing proposal, which violates every recognized law of
society--this demand which alters all the existing state of things--this
fact of a woman asking for a door-key, struck me with a terror which I
cannot describe, and impressed me with the fact of the vast progress of
Our Street. The door-key! What would our grandmothers, who dwelt in
this place when it was a rustic suburb, think of its condition now, when
husbands stay at home, and wives go abroad with the latchkey?

The evening at Lady Sowerby's was the most delicious we have spent for
long, long days.

Thus it will be seen that everybody of any consideration in Our Street
takes a line. Mrs. Minimy (34) takes the homoeopathic line, and has
soirees of doctors of that faith. Lady Pocklington takes the capitalist
line; and those stupid and splendid dinners of hers are devoured by
loan-contractors and railroad princes. Mrs. Trimmer (38) comes out in
the scientific line, and indulges us in rational evenings, where history
is the lightest subject admitted, and geology and the sanitary condition
of the metropolis form the general themes of conversation. Mrs. Brumby
plays finely on the bassoon, and has evenings dedicated to Sebastian
Bach, and enlivened with Handel. At Mrs. Maskleyn's they are mad for
charades and theatricals.

They performed last Christmas in a French piece, by Alexandre Dumas, I
believe--"La Duchesse de Montefiasco," of which I forget the plot, but
everybody was in love with everybody else's wife, except the hero, Don
Alonzo, who was ardently attached to the Duchess, who turned out to be
his grandmother. The piece was translated by Lord Fiddle-faddle, Tom
Bulbul being the Don Alonzo; and Mrs. Roland Calidore (who never misses
an opportunity of acting in a piece in which she can let down her hair)
was the Duchess.


ALONZO.

You know how well he loves you, and you wonder To see Alonzo suffer,
Cunegunda?--Ask if the chamois suffer when they feel Plunged in their
panting sides the hunter's steel? Or when the soaring heron or eagle
proud, Pierced by my shaft, comes tumbling from the cloud, Ask if the
royal birds no anguish know, The victims of Alonzo's twanging bow? Then
ask him if he suffers--him who dies, Pierced by the poisoned glance that
glitters from your eyes!  [He staggers from the effect of the poison.

THE DUCHESS.

Alonzo loves--Alonzo loves! and whom? His grandmother! Oh, hide me,
gracious tomb!  [Her Grace faints away.


Such acting as Tom Bulbul's I never saw. Tom lisps atrociously, and
uttered the passage, "You athk me if I thuffer," in the most absurd way.
Miss Clapperclaw says he acted pretty well, and that I only joke about
him because I am envious, and wanted to act a part myself.--I envious
indeed!

But of all the assemblies, feastings, junketings, dejeunes, soirees,
conversaziones, dinner-parties, in Our Street, I know of none pleasanter
than the banquets at Tom Fairfax's; one of which this enormous
provision-consumer gives seven times a week. He lives in one of the
little houses of the old Waddilove Street quarter, built long before
Pocklington Square and Pocklington Gardens and the Pocklington family
itself had made their appearance in this world.

Tom, though he has a small income, and lives in a small house, yet sits
down one of a party of twelve to dinner every day of his life; these
twelve consisting of Mrs. Fairfax, the nine Misses Fairfax, and Master
Thomas Fairfax--the son and heir to twopence halfpenny a year.

It is awkward just now to go and beg pot-luck from such a family as
this; because, though a guest is always welcome, we are thirteen at
table--an unlucky number, it is said. This evil is only temporary, and
will be remedied presently, when the family will be thirteen WITHOUT the
occasional guest, to judge from all appearances.

Early in the morning Mrs. Fairfax rises, and cuts bread and butter from
six o'clock till eight; during which time the nursery operations upon
the nine little graces are going on. If his wife has to rise early to
cut the bread and butter, I warrant Fairfax must be up betimes to earn
it. He is a clerk in a Government office; to which duty he trudges
daily, refusing even twopenny omnibuses. Every time he goes to the
shoemaker's he has to order eleven pairs of shoes, and so can't afford
to spare his own. He teaches the children Latin every morning, and is
already thinking when Tom shall be inducted into that language. He
works in his garden for an hour before breakfast. His work over by three
o'clock, he tramps home at four, and exchanges his dapper coat for his
dressing-gown--a ragged but honorable garment.

Which is the best, his old coat or Sir John's bran-new one? Which is the
most comfortable and becoming, Mrs. Fairfax's black velvet gown (which
she has worn at the Pocklington Square parties these twelve years, and
in which I protest she looks like a queen), or that new robe which the
milliner has just brought home to Mrs. Bumpsher's, and into which she
will squeeze herself on Christmas-day?

Miss Clapperclaw says that we are all so charmingly contented with
ourselves that not one of us would change with his neighbor; and so,
rich and poor, high and low, one person is about as happy as another in
Our Street.




DOCTOR BIRCH AND HIS YOUNG FRIENDS

by MR. M. A. TITMARSH


THE DOCTOR AND HIS STAFF.


There is no need to say why I became assistant-master and professor of
the English and French languages, flower-painting, and the German flute,
in Doctor Birch's Academy, at Rodwell Regis. Good folks may depend on
this, that it was not for CHOICE that I left lodgings near London, and
a genteel society, for an under-master's desk in that old school.
I promise you the fare at the usher's table, the getting up at five
o'clock in the morning, the walking out with little boys in the fields,
(who used to play me tricks, and never could be got to respect my awful
and responsible character as teacher in the school,) Miss Birch's vulgar
insolence, Jack Birch's glum condescension, and the poor old Doctor's
patronage, were not matters in themselves pleasurable: and that that
patronage and those dinners were sometimes cruel hard to swallow. Never
mind--my connection with the place is over now, and I hope they have got
a more efficient under-master.

Jack Birch (Rev. J. Birch, of St. Neot's Hall, Oxford,) is partner with
his father the Doctor, and takes some of the classes. About his Greek
I can't say much; but I will construe him in Latin any day. A more
supercilious little prig, (giving himself airs, too, about his cousin,
Miss Raby, who lives with the Doctor,) a more empty, pompous little
coxcomb I never saw. His white neck-cloth looked as if it choked him. He
used to try and look over that starch upon me and Prince the assistant,
as if he were a couple of footmen. He didn't do much business in the
school; but occupied his time in writing sanctified letters to the boys'
parents, and in composing dreary sermons to preach to them.

The real master of the school is Prince; an Oxford man too: shy,
haughty, and learned; crammed with Greek and a quantity of useless
learning; uncommonly kind to the small boys; pitiless with the fools
and the braggarts; respected of all for his honesty, his learning, his
bravery, (for he hit out once in a boat-row in a way which astonished
the boys and the bargemen,) and for a latent power about him, which all
saw and confessed somehow. Jack Birch could never look him in the face.
Old Miss Z. dared not put off any of HER airs upon him. Miss Rosa made
him the lowest of curtsies. Miss Raby said she was afraid of him.
Good old Prince! we have sat many a night smoking in the Doctor's
harness-room, whither we retired when our boys were gone to bed, and our
cares and canes put by.

After Jack Birch had taken his degree at Oxford--a process which he
effected with great difficulty--this place, which used to be called
"Birch's," "Dr. Birch's Academy," and what not, became suddenly
"Archbishop Wigsby's College of Rodwell Regis." They took down the old
blue board with the gold letters, which has been used to mend the pigsty
since. Birch had a large school-room run up in the Gothic taste, with
statuettes, and a little belfry, and a bust of Archbishop Wigsby in the
middle of the school. He put the six senior boys into caps and gowns,
which had rather a good effect as the lads sauntered down the street of
the town, but which certainly provoked the contempt and hostility of
the bargemen; and so great was his rage for academic costumes and
ordinances, that he would have put me myself into a lay gown, with
red knots and fringes, but that I flatly resisted, and said that a
writing-master had no business with such paraphernalia.

By the way, I have forgotten to mention the Doctor himself. And what
shall I say of him? Well, he has a very crisp gown and bands, a solemn
aspect, a tremendous loud voice, and a grand air with the boys' parents;
whom he receives in a study covered round with the best-bound books,
which imposes upon many--upon the women especially--and makes them fancy
that this is a Doctor indeed. But law bless you! He never reads the
books, or opens one of them; except that in which he keeps his bands--a
Dugdale's "Monasticon," which looks like a book, but is in reality a
cupboard, where he has his port, almond-cakes, and decanter of wine.
He gets up his classics with translations, or what the boys call cribs;
they pass wicked tricks upon him when he hears the forms. The elder wags
go to his study and ask him to help them in hard bits of Herodotus or
Thucydides: he says he will look over the passage, and flies for refuge
to Mr. Prince, or to the crib.

He keeps the flogging department in his own hands; finding that his
son was too savage. He has awful brows and a big voice. But his roar
frightens nobody. It is only a lion's skin; or, so to say, a muff.

Little Mordant made a picture of him with large ears, like a well-known
domestic animal, and had his own justly boxed for the caricature.
The Doctor discovered him in the fact, and was in a flaming rage, and
threatened whipping at first; but in the course of the day an opportune
basket of game arriving from Mordant's father, the Doctor became
mollified, and has burnt the picture with the ears. However, I have one
wafered up in my desk by the hand of the same little rascal.


THE COCK OF THE SCHOOL.


I am growing an old fellow, and have seen many great folks in the course
of my travels and time: Louis Philippe coming out of the Tuileries; his
Majesty the King of Prussia and the Reichsverweser accolading each other
at Cologne at my elbow; Admiral Sir Charles Napier (in an omnibus
once), the Duke of Wellington, the immortal Goethe at Weimar, the late
benevolent Pope Gregory XVI., and a score more of the famous in this
world--the whom whenever one looks at, one has a mild shock of awe and
tremor. I like this feeling and decent fear and trembling with which a
modest spirit salutes a GREAT MAN.

Well, I have seen generals capering on horseback at the head of their
crimson battalions; bishops sailing down cathedral aisles, with downcast
eyes, pressing their trencher caps to their hearts with their fat white
hands; college heads when her Majesty is on a visit; the doctor in all
his glory at the head of his school on speech-day: a great sight and all
great men these. I have never met the late Mr. Thomas Cribb, but I have
no doubt should have regarded him with the same feeling of awe with
which I look every day at George Champion, the Cock of Dr. Birch's
school.

When, I say, I reflect as I go up and set him a sum, that he could whop
me in two minutes, double up Prince and the other assistant, and pitch
the Doctor out of window, I can't but think how great, how generous, how
magnanimous a creature this is, that sits quite quiet and good-natured,
and works his equation, and ponders through his Greek play. He might
take the school-room pillars and pull the house down if he liked. He
might close the door, and demolish every one of us, like Antar the lover
or Ibla; but he lets us live. He never thrashes anybody without a cause;
when woe betide the tyrant or the sneak!

I think that to be strong, and able to whop everybody--(not to do
it, mind you, but to feel that you were able to do it,)--would be the
greatest of all gifts. There is a serene good humor which plays about
George Champion's broad face, which shows the consciousness of this
power, and lights up his honest blue eyes with a magnanimous calm.

He is invictus. Even when a cub there was no beating this lion. Six
years ago the undaunted little warrior actually stood up to Frank
Davison,--(the Indian officer now--poor little Charley's brother, whom
Miss Raby nursed so affectionately,)--then seventeen years old, and the
Cock of Birch's. They were obliged to drag off the boy, and Frank, with
admiration and regard for him, prophesied the great things he would do.
Legends of combats are preserved fondly in schools; they have stories of
such at Rodwell Regis, performed in the old Doctor's time, forty years
ago.

Champion's affair with the Young Tutbury Pet, who was down here in
training,--with Black the bargeman,--with the three head boys of Doctor
Wapshot's academy, whom he caught maltreating an outlying day-boy
of ours, &c.,--are known to all the Rodwell Regis men. He was always
victorious. He is modest and kind, like all great men. He has a good,
brave, honest understanding. He cannot make verses like young Pinder,
or read Greek like Wells the Prefect, who is a perfect young abyss of
learning, and knows enough, Prince says, to furnish any six first-class
men; but he does his work in a sound downright way, and he is made to be
the bravest of soldiers, the best of country parsons, an honest English
gentleman wherever he may go.

Old Champion's chief friend and attendant is Young Jack Hall, whom he
saved, when drowning, out of the Miller's Pool. The attachment of the
two is curious to witness. The smaller lad gambolling, playing tricks
round the bigger one, and perpetually making fun of his protector. They
are never far apart, and of holidays you may meet them miles away from
the school,--George sauntering heavily down the lanes with his
big stick, and little Jack larking with the pretty girls in the
cottage-windows.

George has a boat on the river, in which, however, he commonly lies
smoking, whilst Jack sculls him. He does not play at cricket, except
when the school plays the county, or at Lord's in the holidays. The boys
can't stand his bowling, and when he hits, it is like trying to catch a
cannon-ball. I have seen him at tennis. It is a splendid sight to behold
the young fellow bounding over the court with streaming yellow hair,
like young Apollo in a flannel jacket.

The other head boys are Lawrence the captain, Bunce, famous chiefly for
his magnificent appetite, and Pitman, surnamed Roscius, for his love of
the drama. Add to these Swanky, called Macassar, from his partiality
to that condiment, and who has varnished boots, wears white gloves on
Sundays, and looks out for Miss Pinkerton's school (transferred from
Chiswick to Rodwell Regis, and conducted by the nieces of the late
Miss Barbara Pinkerton, the friend of our great lexicographer, upon the
principles approved by him, and practised by that admirable woman,) as
it passes into church.

Representations have been made concerning Mr. Horace Swanky's
behavior; rumors have been uttered about notes in verse, conveyed in
three-cornered puffs, by Mrs. Ruggles, who serves Miss Pinkerton's young
ladies on Fridays,--and how Miss Didow, to whom the tart and enclosure
were addressed, tried to make away with herself by swallowing a ball of
cotton. But I pass over these absurd reports, as likely to affect the
reputation of an admirable seminary conducted by irreproachable females.
As they go into church Miss P. driving in her flock of lambkins with
the crook of her parasol, how can it be helped if her forces and ours
sometimes collide, as the boys are on their way up to the organ-loft?
And I don't believe a word about the three-cornered puff, but rather
that it was the invention of that jealous Miss Birch, who is jealous of
Miss Raby, jealous of everybody who is good and handsome, and who has
HER OWN ENDS in view, or I am very much in error.


THE DEAR BROTHERS.

A MELODRAMA IN SEVERAL ROUNDS.


THE DOCTOR.

MR. TIPPER, Uncle to the Masters Boxall.

BOXALL MAJOR, BOXALL MINOR, BROWN, JONES, SMITH, ROBINSON, TIFFIN
MINIMUS.


B. Go it, old Boxall!

J. Give it him, young Boxall!

R. Pitch into him, old Boxall!

S. Two to one on young Boxall!

[Enter TIFFIN MINIMUS, running.

Tiffin Minimus.--Boxalls! you're wanted. (The Doctor to Mr.
Tipper.)--Every boy in the school loves them, my dear sir; your nephews
are a credit to my establishment. They are orderly, well-conducted,
gentlemanlike boys. Let us enter and find them at their studies.

[Enter The DOCTOR and Mr. TIPPER.

GRAND TABLEAU.


THE LITTLE SCHOOL-ROOM.


What they call the little school-room is a small room at the other end
of the great school; through which you go to the Doctor's private house,
and where Miss Raby sits with her pupils. She has a half-dozen very
small ones over whom she presides and teaches them in her simple way,
until they are big or learned enough to face the great school-room. Many
of them are in a hurry for promotion, the graceless little simpletons,
and know no more than their elders when they are well off.

She keeps the accounts, writes out the bills, superintends the linen,
and sews on the general shirt-buttons. Think of having such a woman
at home to sew on one's shirt-buttons! But peace, peace, thou foolish
heart!

Miss Raby is the Doctor's niece. Her mother was a beauty (quite unlike
old Zoe therefore); and she married a pupil in the old Doctor's time who
was killed afterwards, a captain in the East India service, at the siege
of Bhurtpore. Hence a number of Indian children come to the Doctor's;
for Raby was very much liked, and the uncle's kind reception of the
orphan has been a good speculation for the school-keeper.

It is wonderful how brightly and gayly that little quick creature
does her duty. She is the first to rise, and the last to sleep, if any
business is to be done. She sees the other two women go off to parties
in the town without even so much as wishing to join them. It is
Cinderella, only contented to stay at home--content to bear Zoe's scorn
and to admit Rosa's superior charms,--and to do her utmost to repay her
uncle for his great kindness in housing her.

So you see she works as much as three maid-servants for the wages of
one. She is as thankful when the Doctor gives her a new gown, as if
he had presented her with a fortune; laughs at his stories most
good-humoredly, listens to Zoe's scolding most meekly, admires Rosa with
all her heart, and only goes out of the way when Jack Birch shows his
sallow face: for she can't bear him, and always finds work when he comes
near.

How different she is when some folks approach her! I won't be
presumptuous; but I think, I think, I have made a not unfavorable
impression in some quarters. However, let us be mum on this subject. I
like to see her, because she always looks good-humored; because she is
always kind, because she is always modest, because she is fond of those
poor little brats,--orphans some of them--because she is rather pretty,
I dare say, or because I think so, which comes to the same thing.

Though she is kind to all, it must be owned she shows the most gross
favoritism towards the amiable children. She brings them cakes from
dessert, and regales them with Zoe's preserves; spends many of her
little shillings in presents for her favorites, and will tell them
stories by the hour. She has one very sad story about a little boy, who
died long ago: the younger children are never weary of hearing about
him; and Miss Raby has shown to one of them a lock of the little chap's
hair, which she keeps in her work-box to this day.


A HOPELESS CASE.


Let us, people who are so uncommonly clever and learned, have a great
tenderness and pity for the poor folks who are not endowed with the
prodigious talents which we have. I have always had a regard for
dunces;--those of my own school-days were amongst the pleasantest of the
fellows, and have turned out by no means the dullest in life; whereas
many a youth who could turn off Latin hexameters by the yard, and
construe Greek quite glibly, is no better than a feeble prig now, with
not a pennyworth more brains than were in his head before his beard
grew.

Those poor dunces! Talk of being the last man, ah! what a pang it must
be to be the last boy--huge, misshapen, fourteen years of age, and
"taken up" by a chap who is but six years old, and can't speak quite
plain yet!

Master Hulker is in that condition at Birch's. He is the most honest,
kind, active, plucky, generous creature. He can do many things better
than most boys. He can go up a tree, pump, play at cricket, dive and
swim perfectly--he can eat twice as much as almost any lady (as Miss
Birch well knows), he has a pretty talent at carving figures with his
hack-knife, he makes and paints little coaches, he can take a watch to
pieces and put it together again. He can do everything but learn his
lesson; and then he sticks at the bottom of the school hopeless. As the
little boys are drafted in from Miss Raby's class, (it is true she is
one of the best instructresses in the world,) they enter and hop over
poor Hulker. He would be handed over to the governess, only he is too
big. Sometimes, I used to think that this desperate stupidity was a
stratagem of the poor rascal's, and that he shammed dulness, so that he
might be degraded into Miss Raby's class--if she would teach ME, I know,
before George, I would put on a pinafore and a little jacket--but no, it
is a natural incapacity for the Latin Grammar.

If you could see his grammar, it is a perfect curiosity of dog's ears.
The leaves and cover are all curled and ragged. Many of the pages are
worn away with the rubbing of his elbows as he sits poring over the
hopeless volume, with the blows of his fists as he thumps it madly, or
with the poor fellow's tears. You see him wiping them away with the back
of his hand, as he tries and tries, and can't do it.

When I think of that Latin Grammar, and that infernal As in praesenti,
and of other things which I was made to learn in my youth; upon my
conscience, I am surprised that we ever survived it. When one thinks
of the boys who have been caned because they could not master that
intolerable jargon! Good Lord, what a pitiful chorus these poor little
creatures send up! Be gentle with them, ye schoolmasters, and only whop
those who WON'T learn.

The Doctor has operated upon Hulker (between ourselves), but the boy was
so little affected you would have thought he had taken chloroform. Birch
is weary of whipping now, and leaves the boy to go his own gait. Prince,
when he hears the lesson, and who cannot help making fun of a fool,
adopts the sarcastic manner with Master Hulker, and says, "Mr. Hulker,
may I take the liberty to inquire if your brilliant intellect has
enabled you to perceive the difference between those words which
grammarians have defined as substantive and adjective nouns?--if not,
perhaps Mr. Ferdinand Timmins will instruct you." And Timmins hops over
Hulker's head.

I wish Prince would leave off girding at the poor lad. He is a boy, and
his mother is a widow woman, who loves him with all her might. There is
a famous sneer about the suckling of fools and the chronicling of small
beer; but remember it was a rascal who uttered it.


A WORD ABOUT MISS BIRCH.


"The gentlemen, and especially the younger and more tender of these
pupils, will have the advantage of the constant superintendence and
affectionate care of Miss Zoe Birch, sister of the principal: whose
clearest aim will be to supply (as far as may be) the absent maternal
friend."--Prospectus of Rodwell Regis School.

This is all very well in the Doctor's prospectus, and Miss Zoe Birch--(a
pretty blossom it is, fifty-five years old, during two score of which
she has dosed herself with pills; with a nose as red and a face as sour
as a crab-apple)--this is all mighty well in a prospectus. But I should
like to know who would take Miss Zoe for a mother, or would have her for
one?

The only persons in the house who are not afraid of her are Miss Rosa
and I--no, I am afraid of her, though I DO know the story about the
French usher in 1830--but all the rest tremble before the woman, from
the Doctor down to poor Francis the knife-boy, whom she bullies into his
miserable blacking-hole.

The Doctor is a pompous and outwardly severe man--but inwardly weak
and easy; loving a joke and a glass of port-wine. I get on with him,
therefore, much better than Mr. Prince, who scorns him for an ass,
and under whose keen eyes the worthy Doctor writhes like a convicted
impostor; and many a sunshiny afternoon would he have said, "Mr. T.,
sir, shall we try another glass of that yellow sealed wine which you
seem to like?" (and which he likes even better than I do,) had not the
old harridan of a Zoe been down upon us, and insisted on turning me
out with her abominable weak coffee. She a mother indeed! A sour-milk
generation she would have nursed. She is always croaking, scolding,
bullying--yowling at the housemaids, snarling at Miss Raby, bowwowing
after the little boys, barking after the big ones. She knows how much
every boy eats to an ounce; and her delight is to ply with fat the
little ones who can't bear it, and with raw meat those who hate
underdone. It was she who caused the Doctor to be eaten out three times;
and nearly created a rebellion in the school because she insisted on his
flogging Goliath Longman.

The only time that woman is happy is when she comes in of a morning to
the little boys' dormitories with a cup of hot Epsom salts, and a sippet
of bread. Boo!--the very notion makes me quiver. She stands over them.
I saw her do it to young Byles only a few days since; and her presence
makes the abomination doubly abominable.

As for attending them in real illness, do you suppose that she would
watch a single night for any one of them? Not she. When poor little
Charley Davison (that child a lock of whose soft hair I have said how
Miss Raby still keeps) lay ill of scarlet fever in the holidays--for the
Colonel, the father of these boys, was in India--it was Anne Raby who
tended the child, who watched him all through the fever, who never left
him while it lasted, or until she had closed the little eyes that were
never to brighten or moisten more. Anny watched and deplored him; but it
was Miss Birch who wrote the letter announcing his demise, and got the
gold chain and locket which the Colonel ordered as a memento of his
gratitude. It was through a row with Miss Birch that Frank Davison ran
away. I promise you that after he joined his regiment in India, the
Ahmednuggur Irregulars, which his gallant father commands, there came
over no more annual shawls and presents to Dr. and Miss Birch; and that
if she fancied the Colonel was coming home to marry her (on account of
her tenderness to his motherless children, which he was always writing
about), THAT notion was very soon given up. But these affairs are
of early date, seven years back, and I only heard of them in a very
confused manner from Miss Raby, who was a girl, and had just come to
Rodwell Regis. She is always very much moved when she speaks about those
boys; which is but seldom. I take it the death of the little one still
grieves her tender heart.

Yes, it is Miss Birch, who has turned away seventeen ushers and
second-masters in eleven years, and half as many French masters, I
suppose, since the departure of her FAVORITE, M. Grinche, with her gold
watch, &c.; but this is only surmise--that is, from hearsay, and from
Miss Rosa taunting her aunt, as she does sometimes, in her graceful way:
but besides this, I have another way of keeping her in order.

Whenever she is particularly odious or insolent to Miss Raby, I have but
to introduce raspberry jam into the conversation, and the woman holds
her tongue. She will understand me. I need not say more.

NOTE, 12th December. I MAY speak now. I have left the place and
don't mind. I say then at once, and without caring twopence for the
consequences, that I saw this woman, this MOTHER of the boys, EATING JAM
WITH A SPOON OUT OF MASTER WIGGINS'S TRUNK IN THE BOX-ROOM: and of this
I am ready to take an affidavit any day.


A TRAGEDY.

THE DRAMA OUGHT TO BE REPRESENTED IN ABOUT SIX ACTS.


[The school is hushed. LAWRENCE the Prefect, and Custos of the rods, is
marching after the DOCTOR into the operating-room. MASTER BACKHOUSE is
about to follow.]


Master Backhouse.--It's all very well, but you see if I don't pay you
out after school--you sneak you!

Master Lurcher.--If you do I'll tell again.  [Exit BACKHOUSE.

[The rod is heard from the adjoining apartment.
Hwish--hwish--hwish--hwish--hwish--hwish--hwish!  [Re-enter BACKHOUSE.


BRIGGS IN LUCK.


Enter the Knife-boy.--Hamper for Briggses! Master Brown.--Hurray, Tom
Briggs! I'll lend you my knife.


If this story does not carry its own moral, what fable does, I wonder?
Before the arrival of that hamper, Master Briggs was in no better repute
than any other young gentleman of the lower school; and in fact I had
occasion myself, only lately, to correct Master Brown for kicking his
friend's shins during the writing-lesson. But how this basket, directed
by his mother's housekeeper and marked "Glass with care," (whence I
conclude that it contains some jam and some bottles of wine, probably,
as well as the usual cake and game-pie, and half a sovereign for the
elder Master B., and five new shillings for Master Decimus Briggs)--how,
I say, the arrival of this basket alters all Master Briggs's
circumstances in life, and the estimation in which many persons regard
him!

If he is a good-hearted boy, as I have reason to think, the very first
thing he will do, before inspecting the contents of the hamper, or
cutting into them with the knife which Master Brown has so considerately
lent him, will be to read over the letter from home which lies on the
top of the parcel. He does so, as I remark to Miss Raby (for whom I
happened to be mending pens when the little circumstance arose), with a
flushed face and winking eyes. Look how the other boys are peering into
the basket as he reads.--I say to her, "Isn't it a pretty picture?" Part
of the letter is in a very large hand. This is from his little sister.
And I would wager that she netted the little purse which he has just
taken out of it, and which Master Lynx is eying.

"You are a droll man, and remark all sorts of queer things," Miss Raby
says, smiling, and plying her swift needle and fingers as quick as
possible.

"I am glad we are both on the spot, and that the little fellow lies
under our guns as it were, and so is protected from some such brutal
school-pirate as young Duval for instance, who would rob him, probably,
of some of those good things; good in themselves, and better because
fresh from home. See, there is a pie as I said, and which I dare say is
better than those which are served at our table (but you never take any
notice of such kind of things, Miss Raby), a cake of course, a bottle
of currant-wine, jam-pots, and no end of pears in the straw. With their
money little Briggs will be able to pay the tick which that imprudent
child has run up with Mrs. Ruggles; and I shall let Briggs Major pay for
the pencil-case which Bullock sold to him.--It will be a lesson to the
young prodigal for the future. But, I say, what a change there will be
in his life for some time to come, and at least until his present wealth
is spent! The boys who bully him will mollify towards him, and accept
his pie and sweetmeats. They will have feasts in the bedroom; and that
wine will taste more delicious to them than the best out of the Doctor's
cellar. The cronies will be invited. Young Master Wagg will tell his
most dreadful story and sing his best song for a slice of that pie. What
a jolly night they will have! When we go the rounds at night, Mr. Prince
and I will take care to make a noise before we come to Briggs's room,
so that the boys may have time to put the light out, to push the things
away, and to scud into bed. Doctor Spry may be put in requisition the
next morning."

"Nonsense! you absurd creature," cries out Miss Raby, laughing; and I
lay down the twelfth pen very nicely mended.

"Yes; after luxury comes the doctor, I say; after extravagance a hole
in the breeches pocket. To judge from his disposition, Briggs Major will
not be much better off a couple of days hence than he is now; and, if
I am not mistaken, will end life a poor man. Brown will be kicking his
shins before a week is over, depend upon it. There are boys and men of
all sorts, Miss R.--There are selfish sneaks who hoard until the store
they daren't use grows mouldy--there are spendthrifts who fling away,
parasites who flatter and lick its shoes, and snarling curs who hate and
envy, good fortune."

I put down the last of the pens, brushing away with it the quill-chips
from her desk first, and she looked at me with a kind, wondering face. I
brushed them away, clicked the penknife into my pocket, made her a bow,
and walked off--for the bell was ringing for school.


A YOUNG FELLOW WHO IS PRETTY SURE TO SUCCEED.


If Master Briggs is destined in all probability to be a poor man, the
chances are that Mr. Bullock will have a very different lot, he is a son
of a partner of the eminent banking firm of Bullock and Hulker, Lombard
street, and very high in the upper school--quite out of my jurisdiction,
consequently.

He writes the most beautiful current-hand ever seen; and the way in
which he mastered arithmetic (going away into recondite and wonderful
rules in the Tutor's Assistant, which some masters even dare not
approach,) is described by the Doctor in terms of admiration. He is
Mr. Prince's best algebra pupil; and a very fair classic, too; doing
everything well for which he has a mind.

He does not busy himself with the sports of his comrades, and holds a
cricket-bat no better than Miss Raby would. He employs the play-hours
in improving his mind, and reading the newspaper; he is a profound
politician, and, it must be owned, on the liberal side. The elder boys
despise him rather; and when champion Major passes, he turns his head,
and looks down. I don't like the expression of Bullock's narrow green
eyes, as they follow the elder Champion, who does not seem to know or
care how much the other hates him.

No. Mr. Bullock, though perhaps the cleverest and most accomplished boy
in the school, associates with the quite little boys when he is minded
for society. To these he is quite affable, courteous, and winning.
He never fagged or thrashed one of them. He has done the verses and
corrected the exercises of many, and many is the little lad to whom he
has lent a little money.

It is true he charges at the rate of a penny a week for every sixpence
lent out; but many a fellow to whom tarts are a present necessity is
happy to pay this interest for the loan. These transactions are kept
secret. Mr. Bullock, in rather a whining tone, when he takes Master
Green aside and does the requisite business for him, says, "You know
you'll go and talk about it everywhere. I don't want to lend you the
money, I want to buy something with it. It's only to oblige you; and yet
I am sure you will go and make fun of me." Whereon, of course, Green,
eager for the money, vows solemnly that the transaction shall be
confidential, and only speaks when the payment of the interest becomes
oppressive.

Thus it is that Mr. Bullock's practices are at all known. At a very
early period, indeed, his commercial genius manifested itself: and
by happy speculations in toffey; by composing a sweet drink made of
stick-liquorice and brown sugar, and selling it at a profit to the
younger children; by purchasing a series of novels, which he let out
at an adequate remuneration; by doing boys' exercises for a penny,
and other processes, he showed the bent of his mind. At the end of the
half-year he always went home richer than when he arrived at school,
with his purse full of money.

Nobody knows how much he brought: but the accounts are fabulous. Twenty,
thirty, fifty--it is impossible to say how many sovereigns. When joked
about his money, he turns pale and swears he has not a shilling: whereas
he has had a banker's account ever since he was thirteen.

At the present moment he is employed in negotiating the sale of a knife
with Master Green, and is pointing out to the latter the beauty of the
six blades, and that he need not pay until after the holidays.

Champion Major has sworn that he will break every bone in his skin the
next time that he cheats a little boy, and is bearing down upon him.
Let us come away. It is frightful to see that big peaceful clever coward
moaning under well-deserved blows and whining for mercy.


DUVAL THE PIRATE.


JONES MINIMUS passes, laden with tarts.

Duval.--Hullo! you small boy with the tarts! Come here, sir. Jones
Minimus.--Please, Duval, they ain't mine. Duval.--Oh, you abominable
young story-teller.  [He confiscates the goods.


I think I like young Duval's mode of levying contributions better than
Bullock's. The former's, at least, has the merit of more candor. Duval
is the pirate of Birch's, and lies in wait for small boys laden with
money or provender. He scents plunder from afar off: and pounces out on
it. Woe betide the little fellow when Duval boards him!

There was a youth here whose money I used to keep, as he was of
an extravagant and weak taste; and I doled it out to him in weekly
shillings, sufficient for the purchase of the necessary tarts. This boy
came to me one day for half a sovereign, for a very particular purpose,
he said. I afterwards found he wanted to lend the money to Duval.

The young ogre burst out laughing, when in a great wrath and fury I
ordered him to refund to the little boy: and proposed a bill of exchange
at three months. It is true Duval's father does not pay the Doctor, and
the lad never has a shilling, save that which he levies; and though he
is always bragging about the splendor of Freenystown, Co. Cork, and
the fox-hounds his father keeps, and the claret they drink there--there
comes no remittance from Castle Freeny in these bad times to the honest
Doctor; who is a kindly man enough, and never yet turned an insolvent
boy out of doors.


THE DORMITORIES.


MASTER HEWLETT AND MASTER NIGHTINGALE

(Rather a cold winter night.)

Hewlett (flinging a shoe at Master Nightingale's bed, with which he hits
that young gentleman).--Hullo, you! Get up and bring me that shoe!

Nightingale.--Yes, Hewlett. (He gets up.)

Hewlett.--Don't drop it, and be very careful of it, sir.

Nightingale.--Yes, Hewlett.

Hewlett.--Silence in the dormitory! Any boy who opens his mouth, I'll
murder him. Now, sir, are not you the boy what can sing?

Nightingale.--Yes, Hewlett.

Hewlett.--Chant, then, till I go to sleep, and if I wake when you stop,
you'll have this at your head.

[Master HEWLETT lays his Bluchers on the bed, ready to shy at Master
Nightingale's head in the case contemplated.]

Nightingale (timidly).--Please, Hewlett?

Hewlett.--Well, sir?

Nightingale.--May I put on my trousers, please?

Hewlett.--No, sir. Go on, or I'll--

Nightingale.--

 "Through pleasures and palaces

 Though we may roam,

 Be it ever so humble

 There's no place like home."


A CAPTURE AND A RESCUE.


My young friend, Patrick Champion, George's younger brother, is a late
arrival among us; has much of the family quality and good nature; is not
in the least a tyrant to the small boys, but is as eager as Amadis to
fight. He is boxing his way up the school, emulating his great brother.
He fixes his eye on a boy above him in strength or size, and you hear
somehow that a difference has arisen between them at football, and they
have their coats off presently. He has thrashed himself over the heads
of many youths in this manner: for instance, if Champion can lick
Dobson, who can thrash Hobson, how much more, then, can he thrash
Hobson? Thus he works up and establishes his position in the school. Nor
does Mr. Prince think it advisable that we ushers should walk much in
the way when these little differences are being settled, unless there is
some gross disparity, or danger is apprehended.

For instance, I own to having seen this row as I was shaving at my
bedroom window. I did not hasten down to prevent its consequences. Fogle
had confiscated a top, the property of Snivins; the which, as the little
wretch was always pegging it at my toes, I did not regret. Snivins
whimpered; and young Champion came up, lusting for battle. Directly he
made out Fogle, he steered for him, pulling up his coat-sleeves, and
clearing for action.

"Who spoke to YOU, young Champion?" Fogle said, and he flung down the
top to Master Snivins. I knew there would be no fight; and perhaps
Champion, too, was disappointed.


THE GARDEN,

WHERE THE PARLOR-BOARDERS GO.


Noblemen have been rather scarce at Birch's--but the heir of a great
Prince has been living with the Doctor for some years.--He is Lord
George Gaunt's eldest son, the noble Plantagenet Gaunt Gaunt, and nephew
of the Most Honorable the Marquis of Steyne.

They are very proud of him at the Doctor's--and the two Misses and Papa,
whenever a stranger comes down whom they want to dazzle, are pretty sure
to bring Lord Steyne into the conversation, mention the last party at
Gaunt House, and cursorily to remark that they have with them a young
friend who will be, in all human probability, Marquis of Steyne and Earl
of Gaunt, &c.

Plantagenet does not care much about these future honors: provided he
can get some brown sugar on his bread-and-butter, or sit with three
chairs and play at coach-and-horses quite quietly by himself, he is
tolerably happy. He saunters in and out of school when he likes, and
looks at the masters and other boys with a listless grin. He used to be
taken to church, but he laughed and talked in odd places, so they are
forced to leave him at home now. He will sit with a bit of string and
play cat's-cradle for many hours. He likes to go and join the very small
children at their games. Some are frightened at him; but they soon cease
to fear, and order him about. I have seen him go and fetch tarts from
Mrs. Ruggles for a boy of eight years old; and cry bitterly if he did
not get a piece. He cannot speak quite plain, but very nearly; and is
not more, I suppose, than three-and-twenty.

Of course at home they know his age, though they never come and see him.
But they forget that Miss Rosa Birch is no longer a young chit as
she was ten years ago, when Gaunt was brought to the school. On the
contrary, she has had no small experience in the tender passion, and is
at this moment smitten with a disinterested affection for Plantagenet
Gaunt.

Next to a little doll with a burnt nose, which he hides away in cunning
places, Mr. Gaunt is very fond of Miss Rosa too. What a pretty match
it would make! and how pleased they would be at Gaunt House, if the
grandson and heir of the great Marquis of Steyne, the descendant of a
hundred Gaunts and Tudors, should marry Miss Birch, the schoolmaster's
daughter! It is true she has the sense on her side, and poor Plantagenet
is only an idiot: but there he is, a zany, with such expectations and
such a pedigree!

If Miss Rosa would run away with Mr. Gaunt, she would leave off bullying
her cousin, Miss Anny Raby. Shall I put her up to the notion, and offer
to lend her the money to run away? Mr. Gaunt is not allowed money. He
had some once, but Bullock took him into a corner, and got it from him.
He has a moderate tick opened at a tart-woman's. He stops at Rodwell
Regis through the year: school-time and holiday-time, it is all the same
to him. Nobody asks about him, or thinks about him, save twice a year,
when the Doctor goes to Gaunt House, and gets the amount of his bills,
and a glass of wine in the steward's room.

And yet you see somehow that he is a gentleman. His manner is different
to that of the owners of that coarse table and parlor at which he is
a boarder (I do not speak of Miss R. of course, for HER manners are
as good as those of a duchess). When he caught Miss Rosa boxing
little Fiddes's ears, his face grew red, and he broke into a fierce
inarticulate rage. After that, and for some days, he used to shrink
from her; but they are reconciled now. I saw them this afternoon in the
garden where only the parlor-boarders walk. He was playful, and touched
her with his stick. She raised her handsome eyes in surprise, and smiled
on him very kindly.

The thing was so clear, that I thought it my duty to speak to old Zoe
about it. The wicked old catamaran told me she wished that some people
would mind their own business, and hold their tongues--that some persons
were paid to teach writing, and not to tell tales and make mischief:
and I have since been thinking whether I ought to communicate with the
Doctor.


THE OLD PUPIL.


As I came into the playgrounds this morning, I saw a dashing young
fellow, with a tanned face and a blond moustache, who was walking up and
down the green arm-in-arm with Champion Major, and followed by a little
crowd of boys.

They were talking of old times evidently. "What had become of Irvine and
Smith?"--"Where was Bill Harris and Jones: not Squinny Jones, but Cocky
Jones?"--and so forth. The gentleman was no stranger; he was an old
pupil evidently, come to see if any of his old comrades remained, and
revisit the cari luoghi of his youth.

Champion was evidently proud of his arm-fellow, he espied his brother,
young Champion, and introduced him. "Come here, sir," he called. "The
young 'un wasn't here in your time, Davison." "Pat, sir," said he, "this
is Captain Davison, one of Birch's boys. Ask him who was among the first
in the lines at Sobraon?"

Pat's face kindled up as he looked Davison full in the face, and held
out his hand. Old Champion and Davison both blushed. The infantry set up
a "Hurray, hurray, hurray," Champion leading, and waving his wide-awake.
I protest that the scene did one good to witness. Here was the hero and
cock of the school come back to see his old haunts and cronies. He had
always remembered them. Since he had seen them last, he had faced death
and achieved honor. But for my dignity I would have shied up my hat too.

With a resolute step, and his arm still linked in Champion's, Captain
Davison now advanced, followed by a wake of little boys, to that corner
of the green where Mrs. Ruggles has her tart stand.

"Hullo, Mother Ruggles! don't you remember me?" he said, and shook her
by the hand.

"Lor, if it ain't Davison Major!" she said. "Well, Davison Major, you
owe me fourpence for two sausage-rolls from when you went away."

Davison laughed, and all the little crew of boys set up a similar
chorus.

"I buy the whole shop," he said. "Now, young 'uns--eat away!"

Then there was such a "Hurray! hurray!" as surpassed the former cheer in
loudness. Everybody engaged in it except Piggy Duff, who made an instant
dash at the three-cornered puffs, but was stopped by Champion, who
said there should be a fair distribution. And so there was, and no
one lacked, neither of raspberry, open tarts, nor of mellifluous
bulls'-eyes, nor of polonies, beautiful to the sight and taste.

The hurraying brought out the old Doctor himself, who put his hand up to
his spectacles and started when he saw the old pupil. Each blushed when
he recognized the other; for seven years ago they had parted not good
friends.

"What--Davison?" the Doctor said, with a tremulous voice. "God bless
you, my dear fellow!"--and they shook hands. "A half holiday, of course,
boys," he added, and there was another hurray: there was to be no end to
the cheering that day.

"How's--how's the family, sir?" Captain Davison asked.

"Come in and see. Rosa's grown quite a lady. Dine with us, of course.
Champion Major, come to dinner at five. Mr. Titmarsh, the pleasure of
your company?" The Doctor swung open the garden gate: the old master and
pupil entered the house reconciled.

I thought I would first peep into Miss Raby's room, and tell her of
this event. She was working away at her linen there, as usual quiet and
cheerful.

"You should put up," I said with a smile; "the Doctor has given us a
half-holiday."

"I never have holidays," Miss Raby replied.

Then I told her of the scene I had just witnessed, of the arrival of the
old pupil, the purchase of the tarts, the proclamation of the holiday,
and the shouts of the boys of "Hurray, Davison!"

"WHO is it?" cried out Miss Raby, starting and turning as white as a
sheet.

I told her it was Captain Davison from India; and described the
appearance and behavior of the Captain. When I had finished speaking,
she asked me to go and get her a glass of water; she felt unwell. But
she was gone when I came back with the water.


I know all now. After sitting for a quarter of an hour with the Doctor,
who attributed his guest's uneasiness no doubt to his desire to see Miss
Rosa Birch, Davison started up and said he wanted to see Miss Raby. "You
remember, sir, how kind she was to my little brother, sir?" he said.
Whereupon the Doctor, with a look of surprise, that anybody should want
to see Miss Raby, said she was in the little school-room; whither the
Captain went, knowing the way from old times.

A few minutes afterwards, Miss B. and Miss Z. returned from a drive
with Plantagenet Gaunt in their one-horse fly, and being informed of
Davison's arrival, and that he was closeted with Miss Raby in the little
school-room, of course made for that apartment at once. I was coming
into it from the other door. I wanted to know whether she had drunk the
water.

This is what both parties saw. The two were in this very attitude.
"Well, upon my word!" cries out Miss Zoe; but Davison did not let go his
hold; and Miss Raby's head only sank down on his hand.

"You must get another governess, sir, for the little boys," Frank
Davison said to the Doctor. "Anny Raby has promised to come with me."

You may suppose I shut to the door on my side. And when I returned to
the little school-room, it was black and empty. Everybody was gone. I
could hear the boys shouting at play in the green outside. The glass
of water was on the table where I had placed it. I took it and drank
it myself, to the health of Anny Raby and her husband. It was rather a
choker.

But of course I wasn't going to stop on at Birch's. When his young
friends reassemble on the 1st of February next, they will have two new
masters. Prince resigned too, and is at present living with me at my
old lodgings at Mrs. Cammysole's. If any nobleman or gentleman wants a
private tutor for his son, a note to the Rev. F. Prince will find him
there.

Miss Clapperclaw says we are both a couple of old fools; and that she
knew when I set off last year to Rodwell Regis, after meeting the two
young ladies at a party at General Champion's house in our street, that
I was going on a goose's errand. I shall dine there on Christmas-day;
and so I wish a merry Christmas to all young and old boys.

     EPILOGUE.


     The play is done; the curtain drops,
     Slow falling, to the prompter's bell:
     A moment yet the actor stops,
     And looks around, to say farewell.
     It is an irksome word and task;
     And when he's laughed and said his say,
     He shows, as he removes the mask,
     A face that's anything but gay.

     One word, ere yet the evening ends,
     Let's close it with a parting rhyme,
     And pledge a hand to all young friends,
     As fits the merry Christmas time.
     On life's wide scene you, too, have parts,
     That Fate ere long shall bid you play;
     Good night! with honest gentle hearts
     A kindly greeting go alway!

     Good night!  I'd say the griefs, the joys,
     Just hinted in this mimic page,
     The triumphs and defeats of boys,
     Are but repeated in our age.
     I'd say, your woes were not less keen,
     Your hopes more vain, than those of men,
     Your pangs or pleasures of fifteen,
     At forty-five played o'er again.

     I'd say, we suffer and we strive
     Not less nor more as men than boys;
     With grizzled beards at forty-five,
     As erst at twelve, in corduroys.
     And if, in time of sacred youth,
     We learned at home to love and pray,
     Pray heaven, that early love and truth
     May never wholly pass away.

     And in the world, as in the school,
     I'd say, how fate may change and shift;
     The prize be sometimes with the fool,
     The race not always to the swift.
     The strong may yield, the good may fall,
     The great man be a vulgar clown,
     The knave be lifted over all,
     The kind cast pitilessly down.

     Who knows the inscrutable design?
     Blessed be He who took and gave:
     Why should your mother, Charles, not mine,
     Be weeping at her darling's grave?*
     We bow to heaven that will'd it so,
     That darkly rules the fate of all,
     That sends the respite or the blow,
     That's free to give or to recall.

     This crowns his feast with wine and wit:
     Who brought him to that mirth and state?
     His betters, see, below him sit,
     Or hunger hopeless at the gate.
     Who bade the mud from Dives' Wheel
     To spurn the rags of Lazarus?
     Come, brother, in that dust we'll kneel,
     Confessing heaven that ruled it thus.

     So each shall mourn in life's advance,
     Dear hopes, dear friends, untimely killed;
     Shall grieve for many a forfeit chance,
     A longing passion unfulfilled.
     Amen: whatever Fate be sent,--Pray God the heart may kindly glow,
     Although the head with cares be bent,
     And whitened with the winter snow.

     Come wealth or want, come good or ill,
     Let young and old accept their part,
     And bow before the Awful Will,
     And bear it with an honest heart.
     Who misses, or who wins the prize?
     Go, lose or conquer as you can.
     But if you fail, or if you rise,
     Be each, pray God, a gentleman,

     A gentleman, or old or young:
     (Bear kindly with my humble lays,)
     The sacred chorus first was sung
     Upon the first of Christmas days.
     The shepherds heard it overhead--The joyful angels raised it then:
     Glory to heaven on high, it said,
     And peace on earth to gentle men.

     My song, save this, is little worth;
     I lay the weary pen aside,
     And wish you health, and love, and mirth,
     As fits the solemn Christmas tide.
     As fits the holy Christmas birth,
     Be this, good friends, our carol still--Be peace on earth, be
          peace on earth,
     To men of gentle will.


     * C. B., ob. Dec. 1843, aet. 42.




THE KICKLEBURYS ON THE RHINE.

BY MR. M. A. TITMARSH


PREFACE TO THE SECOND EDITION:

BEING AN ESSAY ON THUNDER AND SMALL BEER.


Any reader who may have a fancy to purchase a copy of this present
edition of the "History of the Kickleburys Abroad," had best be warned
in time, that the Times newspaper does not approve of the work, and has
but a bad opinion both of the author and his readers. Nothing can be
fairer than this statement: if you happen to take up the poor little
volume at a railroad station, and read this sentence, lay the book down,
and buy something else. You are warned. What more can the author say? If
after this you WILL buy,--amen! pay your money, take your book, and
fall to. Between ourselves, honest reader, it is no very strong potation
which the present purveyor offers to you. It will not trouble your head
much in the drinking. It was intended for that sort of negus which
is offered at Christmas parties and of which ladies and children may
partake with refreshment and cheerfulness. Last year I tried a brew
which was old, bitter, and strong; and scarce any one would drink it.
This year we send round a milder tap, and it is liked by customers:
though the critics (who like strong ale, the rogues!) turn up their
noses. In heaven's name, Mr. Smith, serve round the liquor to the
gentle-folks. Pray, dear madam, another glass; it is Christmas time,
it will do you no harm. It is not intended to keep long, this sort of
drink. (Come, froth up, Mr. Publisher, and pass quickly round!) And as
for the professional gentlemen, we must get a stronger sort for THEM
some day.

The Times' gentleman (a very difficult gent to please) is the
loudest and noisiest of all, and has made more hideous faces over
the refreshment offered to him than any other critic. There is no use
shirking this statement! when a man has been abused in the Times, he
can't hide it, any more than he could hide the knowledge of his having
been committed to prison by Mr. Henry, or publicly caned in Pall Mall.
You see it in your friends' eyes when they meet you. They know it. They
have chuckled over it to a man. They whisper about it at the club, and
look over the paper at you. My next-door neighbor came to see me this
morning, and I saw by his face that he had the whole story pat. "Hem!"
says he, "well, I HAVE heard of it; and the fact is, they were
talking about you at dinner last night, and mentioning that the Times
had--ahem!--'walked into you.'"

"My good M----" I say--and M---- will corroborate, if need be, the
statement I make here--"here is the Times' article, dated January
4th, which states so and so, and here is a letter from the publisher,
likewise dated January 4th, and which says:--


"MY DEAR Sir,--Having this day sold the last copy of the first edition
(of x thousand) of the 'Kickleburys Abroad,' and having orders for more,
had we not better proceed to a second edition? and will you permit me to
enclose an order on," &c. &c.?


Singular coincidence! And if every author who was so abused by a critic
had a similar note from a publisher, good Lord! how easily would we take
the critic's censure!

"Yes, yes," you say; "it is all very well for a writer to affect to be
indifferent to a critique from the Times. You bear it as a boy bears a
flogging at school, without crying out; but don't swagger and brag as if
you liked it."

Let us have truth before all. I would rather have a good word than a bad
one from any person: but if a critic abuses me from a high place, and
it is worth my while, I will appeal. If I can show that the judge who
is delivering sentence against me, and laying down the law and making
a pretence of learning, has no learning and no law, and is neither
more nor less than a pompous noodle, who ought not to be heard in any
respectable court, I will do so; and then, dear friends, perhaps you
will have something to laugh at in this book.--


"THE KICKLEBURYS ABROAD.

"It has been customary, of late years, for the purveyors of amusing
literature--the popular authors of the day--to put forth certain
opuscules, denominated 'Christmas Books,' with the ostensible intention
of swelling the tide of exhilaration, or other expansive emotions,
incident upon the exodus of the old and the inauguration of the new
year. We have said that their ostensible intention was such, because
there is another motive for these productions, locked up (as the popular
author deems) in his own breast, but which betrays itself, in the
quality of the work, as his principal incentive. Oh! that any muse
should be set upon a high stool to cast up accounts and balance a
ledger! Yet so it is; and the popular author finds it convenient to
fill up the declared deficit, and place himself in a position the
more effectually to encounter those liabilities which sternly assert
themselves contemporaneously and in contrast with the careless and
free-handed tendencies of the season by the emission of Christmas
books--a kind of literary assignats, representing to the emitter
expunged debts, to the receiver an investment of enigmatical value. For
the most part bearing the stamp of their origin in the vacuity of
the writer's exchequer rather than in the fulness of his genius, they
suggest by their feeble flavor the rinsings of a void brain after the
more important concoctions of the expired year. Indeed, we should as
little think of taking these compositions as examples of the merits of
their authors as we should think of measuring the valuable services of
Mr. Walker, the postman, or Mr. Bell, the dust-collector, by the copy of
verses they leave at our doors as a provocative of the expected annual
gratuity--effusions with which they may fairly be classed for their
intrinsic worth no less than their ultimate purport.

"In the Christmas book presently under notice, the author appears (under
the thin disguise of Mr. Michael Angelo Titmarsh) in 'propria persona'
as the popular author, the contributor to Punch, the remorseless pursuer
of unconscious vulgarity and feeble-mindedness, launched upon a tour
of relaxation to the Rhine. But though exercising, as is the wont of
popular authors in their moments of leisure, a plentiful reserve of
those higher qualities to which they are indebted for their fame, his
professional instincts are not altogether in abeyance. From the moment
his eye lights upon a luckless family group embarked on the same steamer
with himself, the sight of his accustomed quarry--vulgarity, imbecility,
and affectation--reanimates his relaxed sinews, and, playfully fastening
his satiric fangs upon the familiar prey, he dallies with it in mimic
ferocity like a satiated mouser.

"Though faintly and carelessly indicated, the characters are those
with which the author loves to surround himself. A tuft-hunting county
baronet's widow, an inane captain of dragoons, a graceless young
baronet, a lady with groundless pretensions to feeble health and poesy,
an obsequious nonentity her husband, and a flimsy and artificial young
lady, are the personages in whom we are expected to find amusement.
Two individuals alone form an exception to the above category, and are
offered to the respectful admiration of the reader,--the one, a shadowy
serjeant-at-law, Mr. Titmarsh's travelling companion, who escapes with
a few side puffs of flattery, which the author struggles not to render
ironical, and a mysterious countess, spoken of in a tone of religious
reverence, and apparently introduced that we may learn by what delicate
discriminations our adoration of rank should be regulated.

"To those who love to hug themselves in a sense of superiority by
admeasurement with the most worthless of their species, in their most
worthless aspects, the Kickleburys on the Rhine will afford an agreeable
treat, especially as the purveyor of the feast offers his own moments of
human weakness as a modest entree in this banquet of erring mortality.
To our own, perhaps unphilosophical, taste the aspirations towards
sentimental perfection of another popular author are infinitely
preferable to these sardonic divings after the pearl of truth, whose
lustre is eclipsed in the display of the diseased oyster. Much, in the
present instance, perhaps all, the disagreeable effect of his subject is
no doubt attributable to the absence of Mr. Thackeray's usual brilliancy
of style. A few flashes, however, occur, such as the description of M.
Lenoir's gaming establishment, with the momentous crisis to which it was
subjected, and the quaint and imaginative sallies evoked by the
whole town of Rougetnoirbourg and its lawful prince. These, with the
illustrations, which are spirited enough, redeem the book from an
absolute ban. Mr. Thackeray's pencil is more congenial than his pen. He
cannot draw his men and women with their skins off, and, therefore, the
effigies of his characters are pleasanter to contemplate than the flayed
anatomies of the letter-press."


There is the whole article. And the reader will see (in the paragraph
preceding that memorable one which winds up with the diseased oyster)
that he must be a worthless creature for daring to like the book, as he
could only do so from a desire to hug himself in a sense of superiority
by admeasurement with the most worthless of his fellow-creatures!

The reader is worthless for liking a book of which all the characters
are worthless, except two, which are offered to his respectful
admiration; and of these two the author does not respect one, but
struggles not to laugh in his face; whilst he apparently speaks
of another in a tone of religious reverence, because the lady is a
countess, and because he (the author) is a sneak. So reader, author,
characters, are rogues all. Be there any honest men left, Hal? About
Printing-house Square, mayhap you may light on an honest man, a
squeamish man, a proper moral man, a man that shall talk you Latin by
the half-column if you will but hear him.

And what a style it is, that great man's! What hoighth of foine language
entoirely! How he can discoorse you in English for all the world as
if it was Latin! For instance, suppose you and I had to announce the
important news that some writers published what are called Christmas
books; that Christmas books are so called because they are published
at Christmas: and that the purpose of the authors is to try and amuse
people. Suppose, I say, we had, by the sheer force of intellect, or
by other means of observation or information, discovered these great
truths, we should have announced them in so many words. And there it is
that the difference lies between a great writer and a poor one; and we
may see how an inferior man may fling a chance away. How does my friend
of the Times put these propositions? "It has been customary," says he,
"of late years for the purveyors of amusing literature to put forth
certain opuscules, denominated Christmas books, with the ostensible
intention of swelling the tide of exhilaration, or other expansive
emotions, incident upon the exodus of the old or the inauguration of the
new year." That is something like a sentence; not a word scarcely but's
in Latin, and the longest and handsomest out of the whole dictionary.
That is proper economy--as you see a buck from Holywell Street put
every pinchbeck pin, ring, and chain which he possesses about his shirt,
hands, and waistcoat, and then go and cut a dash in the Park, or swagger
with his order to the theatre. It costs him no more to wear all his
ornaments about his distinguished person than to leave them at home. If
you can be a swell at a cheap rate, why not? And I protest, for my
part, I had no idea what I was really about in writing and submitting
my little book for sale, until my friend the critic, looking at the
article, and examining it with the eyes of a connoisseur, pronounced
that what I had fancied simply to be a book was in fact "an opuscule
denominated so-and-so, and ostensibly intended to swell the tide of
expansive emotion incident upon the inauguration of the new year." I can
hardly believe as much even now--so little do we know what we really are
after, until men of genius come and interpret.

And besides the ostensible intention, the reader will perceive that my
judge has discovered another latent motive, which I had "locked up in my
own breast." The sly rogue! (if we may so speak of the court.) There is
no keeping anything from him; and this truth, like the rest, has come
out, and is all over England by this time. Oh, that all England, which
has bought the judge's charge, would purchase the prisoner's plea in
mitigation! "Oh, that any muse should be set on a high stool," says the
bench, "to cast up accounts and balance a ledger! Yet so it is; and the
popular author finds it convenient to fill up the declared deficit by
the emission of Christmas books--a kind of assignats that bear the stamp
of their origin in the vacuity of the writer's exchequer." There is
a trope for you! You rascal, you wrote because you wanted money! His
lordship has found out what you were at, and that there is a deficit in
your till. But he goes on to say that we poor devils are to be pitied
in our necessity; and that these compositions are no more to be taken as
examples of our merits than the verses which the dustman leaves at his
lordship's door, "as a provocative of the expected annual gratuity,"
are to be considered as measuring his, the scavenger's, valuable
services--nevertheless the author's and the scavenger's "effusions
may fairly be classed, for their intrinsic worth, no less than their
ultimate purport."

Heaven bless his lordship on the bench--What a gentle manlike badinage
he has, and what a charming and playful wit always at hand! What a sense
he has for a simile, or what Mrs. Malaprop calls an odorous comparison,
and how gracefully he conducts it to "its ultimate purport." A gentleman
writing a poor little book is a scavenger asking for a Christmas-box!


As I try this small beer which has called down such a deal of thunder, I
can't help thinking that it is not Jove who has interfered (the case was
scarce worthy of his divine vindictiveness); but the Thunderer's man,
Jupiter Jeames, taking his master's place, adopting his manner, and
trying to dazzle and roar like his awful employer. That figure of the
dustman has hardly been flung from heaven: that "ultimate purport" is a
subject which the Immortal would hardly handle. Well, well; let us allow
that the book is not worthy of such a polite critic--that the beer is
not strong enough for a gentleman who has taste and experience in beer.

That opinion no man can ask his honor to alter; but (the beer being the
question), why make unpleasant allusions to the Gazette, and hint at the
probable bankruptcy of the brewer? Why twit me with my poverty; and what
can the Times' critic know about the vacuity of my exchequer? Did he
ever lend me any money? Does he not himself write for money? (and who
would grudge it to such a polite and generous and learned author?) If he
finds no disgrace in being paid, why should I? If he has ever been poor,
why should he joke at my empty exchequer? Of course such a genius is
paid for his work: with such neat logic, such a pure style, such a
charming poetical turn of phrase, of course a critic gets money. Why, a
man who can say of a Christmas book that "it is an opuscule denominated
so-and-so, and ostensibly intended to swell the tide of expansive
emotion incident upon the exodus of the old year," must evidently have
had immense sums and care expended on his early education, and deserves
a splendid return. You can't go into the market, and get scholarship
like THAT, without paying for it: even the flogging that such a writer
must have had in early youth (if he was at a public school where the
rods were paid for), must have cost his parents a good sum. Where would
you find any but an accomplished classical scholar to compare the books
of the present (or indeed any other) writer to "sardonic divings after
the pearl of truth, whose lustre is eclipsed in the display of the
diseased oyster;" mere Billingsgate doesn't turn out oysters like these;
they are of the Lucrine lake:--this satirist has pickled his rods in
Latin brine. Fancy, not merely a diver, but a sardonic diver: and the
expression of his confounded countenance on discovering not only a
pearl, but an eclipsed pearl, which was in a diseased oyster! I say
it is only by an uncommon and happy combination of taste, genius, and
industry, that a man can arrive at uttering such sentiments in such fine
language,--that such a man ought to be well paid, as I have no doubt
he is, and that he is worthily employed to write literary articles,
in large type, in the leading journal of Europe. Don't we want men of
eminence and polite learning to sit on the literary bench, and to direct
the public opinion?

But when this profound scholar compares me to a scavenger who leaves a
copy of verses at his door and begs for a Christmas-box, I must again
cry out and say, "My dear sir, it is true your simile is offensive, but
can you make it out? Are you not hasty in your figures and illusions?"
If I might give a hint to so consummate a rhetorician, you should be
more careful in making your figures figures, and your similes like: for
instance, when you talk of a book "swelling the tide of exhilaration
incident to the inauguration of the new year," or of a book "bearing the
stamp of its origin in vacuity," &c.,--or of a man diving sardonically;
or of a pearl eclipsed in the display of a diseased oyster--there are
some people who will not apprehend your meaning: some will doubt whether
you had a meaning: some even will question your great powers, and say,
"Is this man to be a critic in a newspaper, which knows what English,
and Latin too, and what sense and scholarship, are?" I don't quarrel
with you--I take for granted your wit and learning, your modesty
and benevolence--but why scavenger--Jupiter Jeames--why scavenger? A
gentleman, whose biography the Examiner was fond of quoting before it
took its present serious and orthodox turn, was pursued by an outraged
wife to the very last stage of his existence with an appeal almost as
pathetic--Ah, sir, why scavenger?

How can I be like a dustman that rings for a Christmas-box at your
hall-door? I never was there in my life. I never left at your door a
copy of verses provocative of an annual gratuity, as your noble honor
styles it. Who are you? If you are the man I take you to be, it must
have been you who asked the publisher for my book, and not I who sent
it in, and begged a gratuity of your worship. You abused me out of the
Times' window; but if ever your noble honor sent me a gratuity out of
your own door, may I never drive another dust-cart. "Provocative of a
gratuity!" O splendid swell! How much was it your worship sent out to
me by the footman? Every farthing you have paid I will restore to your
lordship, and I swear I shall not be a halfpenny the poorer.

As before, and on similar seasons and occasions, I have compared myself
to a person following a not dissimilar calling: let me suppose now, for
a minute, that I am a writer of a Christmas farce, who sits in the
pit, and sees the performance of his own piece. There comes applause,
hissing, yawning, laughter, as may be: but the loudest critic of all
is our friend the cheap buck, who sits yonder and makes his remarks, so
that all the audience may hear. "THIS a farce!" says Beau Tibbs: "demmy!
it's the work of a poor devil who writes for money,--confound his
vulgarity! This a farce! Why isn't it a tragedy, or a comedy, or an epic
poem, stap my vitals? This a farce indeed! It's a feller as sends round
his 'at, and appeals to charity. Let's 'ave our money back again,
I say." And he swaggers off;--and you find the fellow came with an
author's order.

But if, in spite of Tibbs, our "kyind friends," &c. &c. &c.--if the
little farce, which was meant to amuse Christmas (or what my classical
friend calls Exodus), is asked for, even up to Twelfth Night,--shall the
publisher stop because Tibbs is dissatisfied? Whenever that capitalist
calls to get his money back, he may see the letter from the respected
publisher, informing the author that all the copies are sold, and that
there are demands for a new edition. Up with the curtain, then! Vivat
Regina! and no money returned, except the Times "gratuity!"

M. A. TITMARSH.

January 5, 1851.



THE KICKLEBURYS ON THE RHINE.


The cabman, when he brought us to the wharf, and made his usual charge
of six times his legal fare, before the settlement of which he pretended
to refuse the privilege of an exeat regno to our luggage, glared like a
disappointed fiend when Lankin, calling up the faithful Hutchison, his
clerk, who was in attendance, said to him, "Hutchison, you will pay this
man. My name is Serjeant Lankin, my chambers are in Pump Court. My clerk
will settle with you, sir." The cabman trembled; we stepped on board;
our lightsome luggage was speedily whisked away by the crew; our berths
had been secured by the previous agency of Hutchison; and a couple of
tickets, on which were written, "Mr. Serjeant Lankin," "Mr. Titmarsh,"
(Lankin's, by the way, incomparably the best and comfortablest sleeping
place,) were pinned on to two of the curtains of the beds in a side
cabin when we descended.

Who was on board? There were Jews, with Sunday papers and fruit; there
were couriers and servants straggling about; there were those bearded
foreign visitors of England, who always seem to decline to shave or
wash themselves on the day of a voyage, and, on the eve of quitting our
country, appear inclined to carry away as much as possible of its soil
on their hands and linen: there were parties already cozily established
on deck under the awning; and steady-going travellers for'ard, smoking
already the pleasant morning cigar, and watching the phenomena of
departure.

The bell rings: they leave off bawling, "Anybody else for the shore?"
The last grape and Bell's Life merchant has scuffled over the plank: the
Johns of the departing nobility and gentry line the brink of the quay,
and touch their hats: Hutchison touches his hat to me--to ME, heaven
bless him! I turn round inexpressibly affected and delighted, and whom
do I see but Captain Hicks!

"Hallo! YOU here?" says Hicks, in a tone which seems to mean, "Confound
you, you are everywhere."

Hicks is one of those young men who seem to be everywhere a great deal
too often.

How are they always getting leave from their regiments? If they are
not wanted in this country, (as wanted they cannot be, for you see them
sprawling over the railing in Rotten Row all day, and shaking their
heels at every ball in town,)--if they are not wanted in this country, I
say, why the deuce are they not sent off to India, or to Demerara, or to
Sierra Leone, by Jove?--the farther the better; and I should wish a good
unwholesome climate to try 'em, and make 'em hardy. Here is this Hicks,
then--Captain Launcelot Hicks, if you please--whose life is nothing but
breakfast, smoking, riding-school, billiards, mess, polking, billiards,
and smoking again, and da capo--pulling down his moustaches, and going
to take a tour after the immense labors of the season.

"How do you do, Captain Hicks?" I say. "Where are you going?"

"Oh, I am going to the Whine," says Hicks; "evewybody goes to the
Whine." The WHINE indeed! I dare say he can no more spell properly than
he can speak.

"Who is on board--anybody?" I ask, with the air of a man of fashion.
"To whom does that immense pile of luggage belong--under charge of the
lady's-maid, the courier, and the British footman? A large white K is
painted on all the boxes."

"How the deuce should I know?" says Hicks, looking, as I fancy, both red
and angry, and strutting off with his great cavalry lurch and swagger:
whilst my friend the Serjeant looks at him lost in admiration, and
surveys his shining little boots, his chains and breloques, his whiskers
and ambrosial moustaches, his gloves and other dandifications, with a
pleased wonder; as the ladies of the Sultan's harem surveyed the great
Lady from Park Lane who paid them a visit; or the simple subjects of
Montezuma looked at one of Cortes's heavy dragoons.

"That must be a marquis at least," whispers Lankin, who consults me
on points of society, and is pleased to have a great opinion of my
experience.

I burst out in a scornful laugh. "THAT!" I say; "he is a captain of
dragoons, and his father an attorney in Bedford Row. The whiskers of a
roturier, my good Lankin, grow as long as the beard of a Plantagenet. It
don't require much noble blood to learn the polka. If you were younger,
Lankin, we might go for a shilling a night, and dance every evening at
M. Laurent's Casino, and skip about in a little time as well as that
fellow. Only we despise the kind of thing you know,--only we're too
grave, and too steady."

"And too fat," whispers Lankin, with a laugh.

"Speak for yourself, you maypole," says I. "If you can't dance yourself,
people can dance round you--put a wreath of flowers upon your old poll,
stick you up in a village green, and so make use of you."

"I should gladly be turned into anything so pleasant," Lankin answers;
"and so, at least, get a chance of seeing a pretty girl now and then.
They don't show in Pump Court, or at the University Club, where I dine.
You are a lucky fellow, Titmarsh, and go about in the world. As for me,
I never--"

"And the judges' wives, you rogue?" I say. "Well, no man is satisfied;
and the only reason I have to be angry with the captain yonder is,
that, the other night, at Mrs. Perkins's, being in conversation with a
charming young creature--who knows all my favorite passages in Tennyson,
and takes a most delightful little line of opposition in the Church
controversy--just as we were in the very closest, dearest, pleasantest
part of the talk, comes up young Hotspur yonder, and whisks her away in
a polka. What have you and I to do with polkas, Lankin? He took her down
to supper--what have you and I to do with suppers?"

"Our duty is to leave them alone," said the philosophical Serjeant.
"And now about breakfast--shall we have some?" And as he spoke, a
savory little procession of stewards and stewards' boys, with drab tin
dish-covers, passed from the caboose, and descended the stairs to the
cabin. The vessel had passed Greenwich by this time, and had worked its
way out of the mast-forest which guards the approaches of our city.


The owners of those innumerable boxes, bags, oil-skins, guitar-cases,
whereon the letter K was engraven, appeared to be three ladies, with a
slim gentleman of two or three and thirty, who was probably the husband
of one of them. He had numberless shawls under his arm and guardianship.
He had a strap full of Murray's Handbooks and Continental Guides in
his keeping; and a little collection of parasols and umbrellas, bound
together, and to be carried in state before the chief of the party, like
the lictor's fasces before the consul.

The chief of the party was evidently the stout lady. One parasol being
left free, she waved it about, and commanded the luggage and the menials
to and fro. "Horace, we will sit there," she exclaimed, pointing to a
comfortable place on the deck. Horace went and placed the shawls and
the Guidebooks. "Hirsch, avy vou conty les bagages? tront sett morso ong
too?" The German courier said, "Oui, miladi," and bowed a rather sulky
assent. "Bowman, you will see that Finch is comfortable, and send her to
me." The gigantic Bowman, a gentleman in an undress uniform, with very
large and splendid armorial buttons, and with traces of the powder of
the season still lingering in his hair, bows, and speeds upon my lady's
errand.

I recognize Hirsch, a well-known face upon the European high-road, where
he has travelled with many acquaintances. With whom is he making the
tour now?--Mr. Hirsch is acting as courier to Mr. and Mrs. Horace
Milliken. They have not been married many months, and they are
travelling, Hirsch says, with a contraction of his bushy eyebrows, with
miladi, Mrs. Milliken's mamma. "And who is her ladyship?" Hirsch's brow
contracts into deeper furrows. "It is Miladi Gigglebury," he says, "Mr.
Didmarsh. Berhabs you know her." He scowls round at her, as she calls
out loudly, "Hirsch, Hirsch!" and obeys that summons.


It is the great Lady Kicklebury of Pocklington Square, about whom I
remember Mrs. Perkins made so much ado at her last ball; and whom old
Perkins conducted to supper. When Sir Thomas Kicklebury died (he was one
of the first tenants of the Square), who does not remember the scutcheon
with the coronet with two balls, that flamed over No. 36? Her son was at
Eton then, and has subsequently taken an honorary degree at Oxford, and
been an ornament of Platt's and the "Oswestry Club." He fled into St.
James's from the great house in Pocklington Square, and from St. James's
to Italy and the Mediterranean, where he has been for some time in a
wholesome exile. Her eldest daughter's marriage with Lord Roughhead was
talked about last year; but Lord Roughhead, it is known, married Miss
Brent; and Horace Milliken, very much to his surprise, found himself the
affianced husband of Miss Lavinia Kicklebury, after an agitating evening
at Lady Polkimore's, when Miss Lavinia, feeling herself faint, went out
on to the leads (the terrace, Lady Polkimore WILL call it), on the arm
of Mr. Milliken. They were married in January: it's not a bad match for
Miss K. Lady Kicklebury goes and stops for six months of the year at
Pigeoncot with her daughter and son-in-law; and now that they are come
abroad, she comes too. She must be with Lavinia, under the present
circumstances.

When I am arm-in-arm, I tell this story glibly off to Lankin, who is
astonished at my knowledge of the world, and says, "Why, Titmarsh, you
know everything."

"I DO know a few things, Lankin my boy," is my answer. "A man don't live
in society, and PRETTY GOOD society, let me tell you, for nothing."

The fact is, that all the above details are known to almost any man in
our neighborhood. Lady Kicklebury does not meet with US much, and has
greater folks than we can pretend to be at her parties. But we know
about THEM. She'll condescend to come to Perkins's, WITH WHOSE FIRM SHE
BANKS; and she MAY overdraw HER ACCOUNT: but of that, of course, I know
nothing.

When Lankin and I go down stairs to breakfast, we find, if not the best,
at least the most conspicuous places in occupation of Lady Kicklebury's
party, and the hulking London footman making a darkness in the cabin, as
he stoops through it bearing cups and plates to his employers.


[Why do they always put mud into coffee on board steamers? Why does the
tea generally taste of boiled boots? Why is the milk scarce and thin?
And why do they have those bleeding legs of boiled mutton for dinner?
I ask why? In the steamers of other nations you are well fed. Is it
impossible that Britannia, who confessedly rules the waves, should
attend to the victuals a little, and that meat should be well cooked
under a Union Jack? I just put in this question, this most interesting
question, in a momentous parenthesis, and resume the tale.]


When Lankin and I descend to the cabin, then, the tables are full of
gobbling people; and, though there DO seem to be a couple of places near
Lady Kicklebury, immediately she sees our eyes directed to the inviting
gap, she slides out, and with her ample robe covers even more than that
large space to which by art and nature she is entitled, and calling out,
"Horace, Horace!" and nodding, and winking, and pointing, she causes her
son-in-law to extend the wing on his side. We are cut of THAT chance
of a breakfast. We shall have the tea at its third water, and those two
damp black mutton-chops, which nobody else will take, will fall to our
cold share.

At this minute a voice, clear and sweet, from a tall lady in a black
veil, says, "Mr. Titmarsh," and I start and murmur an ejaculation of
respectful surprise, as I recognize no less a person than the Right
Honorable the Countess of Knightsbridge, taking her tea, breaking
up little bits of toast with her slim fingers, and sitting between a
Belgian horse-dealer and a German violoncello-player who has a conge
after the opera--like any other mortal.

I whisper her ladyship's name to Lankin. The Serjeant looks towards her
with curiosity and awe. Even he, in his Pump Court solitudes, has heard
of that star of fashion--that admired amongst men, and even women--that
Diana severe yet simple, the accomplished Aurelia of Knightsbridge. Her
husband has but a small share of HER qualities. How should he? The
turf and the fox-chase are his delights--the smoking-room at the
"Travellers'"--nay, shall we say it?--the illuminated arcades
of "Vauxhall," and the gambols of the dishevelled Terpsichore.
Knightsbridge has his faults--ah! even the peerage of England is not
exempt from them. With Diana for his wife, he flies the halls where
she sits severe and serene, and is to be found (shrouded in smoke,
'tis true,) in those caves where the contrite chimney-sweep sings his
terrible death chant, or the Bacchanalian judge administers a satiric
law. Lord Knightsbridge has his faults, then; but he has the gout at
Rougetnoirbourg, near the Rhine, and thither his wife is hastening to
minister to him.

"I have done," says Lady Knightsbridge, with a gentle bow, as she rises;
"you may have this place, Mr. Titmarsh; and I am sorry my breakfast is
over: I should have prolonged it had I thought that YOU were coming to
sit by me. Thank you--my glove." (Such an absurd little glove, by the
way). "We shall meet on the deck when you have done."

And she moves away with an august curtsy. I can't tell how it is, or
what it is, in that lady; but she says, "How do you do?" as nobody else
knows how to say it. In all her actions, motions, thoughts, I would
wager there is the same calm grace and harmony. She is not very
handsome, being very thin, and rather sad-looking. She is not very
witty, being only up to the conversation, whatever it may be; and yet,
if she were in black serge, I think one could not help seeing that she
was a Princess, and Serene Highness; and if she were a hundred years
old, she could not be but beautiful. I saw her performing her devotions
in Antwerp Cathedral, and forgot to look at anything else there;--so
calm and pure, such a sainted figure hers seemed.

When this great lady did the present writer the honor to shake his hand
(I had the honor to teach writing and the rudiments of Latin to the
young and intelligent Lord Viscount Pimlico), there seemed to be a
commotion in the Kicklebury party--heads were nodded together, and
turned towards Lady Knightsbridge: in whose honor, when Lady Kicklebury
had sufficiently reconnoitred her with her eye-glass, the baronet's lady
rose and swept a reverential curtsy, backing until she fell up against
the cushions at the stern of the boat. Lady Knightsbridge did not see
this salute, for she did not acknowledge it, but walked away slimly (she
seems to glide in and out of the room), and disappeared up the stair to
the deck.

Lankin and I took our places, the horse-dealer making room for us; and
I could not help looking, with a little air of triumph, over to the
Kicklebury faction, as much as to say, "You fine folks, with your large
footman and supercilious airs, see what WE can do."

As I looked--smiling, and nodding, and laughing at me, in a knowing,
pretty way, and then leaning to mamma as if in explanation, what face
should I see but that of the young lady at Mrs. Perkins's, with whom
I had had that pleasant conversation which had been interrupted by the
demand of Captain Hicks for a dance? So, then, that was Miss Kicklebury,
about whom Miss Perkins, my young friend, has so often spoken to me: the
young ladies were in conversation when I had the happiness of joining
them; and Miss P. went away presently, to look to her guests--that is
Miss Fanny Kicklebury.

A sudden pang shot athwart my bosom--Lankin might have perceived it, but
the honest Serjeant was so awe-stricken by his late interview with the
Countess of Knightsbridge, that his mind was unfit to grapple with
other subjects--a pang of feeling (which I concealed under the grin and
graceful bow wherewith Miss Fanny's salutations were acknowledged) tore
my heart-strings--as I thought of--I need not say--of HICKS.

He had danced with her, he had supped with her--he was here, on board
the boat. Where was that dragoon? I looked round for him. In quite a
far corner,--but so that he could command the Kicklebury party, I
thought,--he was eating his breakfast, the great healthy oaf, and
consuming one broiled egg after another.

In the course of the afternoon, all parties, as it may be supposed,
emerged upon deck again, and Miss Fanny and her mamma began walking the
quarter-deck with a quick pace, like a couple of post-captains. When
Miss Fanny saw me, she stopped and smiled, and recognized the gentleman
who had amused her so at Mrs. Perkins's. What a dear sweet creature
Eliza Perkins was! They had been at school together. She was going to
write to Eliza everything that happened on the voyage.

"EVERYTHING?" I said, in my particularly sarcastic manner.

"Well, everything that was worth telling. There was a great number
of things that were very stupid, and of people that were very stupid.
Everything that YOU say, Mr. Titmarsh, I am sure I may put down. You
have seen Mr. Titmarsh's funny books, mamma?"

Mamma said she had heard--she had no doubt they were very amusing. "Was
not that--ahem--Lady Knightsbridge, to whom I saw you speaking, sir?"

"Yes; she is going to nurse Lord Knightsbridge, who has the gout at
Rougetnoirbourg."

"Indeed! how very fortunate! what an extraordinary coincidence! We are
going too," said Lady Kicklebury.

I remarked "that everybody was going to Rougetnoirbourg this year; and I
heard of two gentlemen--Count Carambole and Colonel Cannon--who had been
obliged to sleep there on a billiard-table for want of a bed."

"My son Kicklebury--are you acquainted with Sir Thomas Kicklebury?" her
ladyship said, with great stateliness--"is at Noirbourg, and will
take lodgings for us. The springs are particularly recommended for my
daughter, Mrs. Milliken and, at great personal sacrifice, I am going
thither myself: but what will not a mother do, Mr. Titmarsh? Did I
understand you to say that you have the--the entree at Knightsbridge
House? The parties are not what they used to be, I am told. Not that
I have any knowledge. I am but a poor country baronet's widow, Mr.
Titmarsh; though the Kickleburys date from Henry III., and MY family is
not of the most modern in the country. You have heard of General Guff,
my father, perhaps? aide-de-camp to the Duke of York, and wounded by his
Royal Highness's side at the bombardment of Valenciennes. WE move IN OUR
OWN SPHERE."

"Mrs. Perkins is a very kind creature," I said, "and it was a very
pleasant ball. Did you not think so, Miss Kicklebury?"

"I thought it odious," said Miss Fanny. "I mean, it WAS pleasant until
that--that stupid man--what was his name?--came and took me away to
dance with him."

"What! don't you care for a red coat and moustaches?" I asked.

"I adore genius, Mr. Titmarsh," said the young lady, with a most killing
look of her beautiful blue eyes, "and I have every one of your works by
heart--all, except the last, which I can't endure. I think it's wicked,
positively wicked--My darling Scott--how can you? And are you going to
make a Christmas-book this year?"

"Shall I tell you about it?"

"Oh, do tell us about it," said the lively, charming creature, clapping
her hands: and we began to talk, being near Lavinia (Mrs. Milliken)
and her husband, who was ceaselessly occupied in fetching and carrying
books, biscuits, pillows and cloaks, scent-bottles, the Italian
greyhound, and the thousand and one necessities of the pale and
interesting bride. Oh, how she did fidget! how she did grumble! how she
altered and twisted her position! and how she did make poor Milliken
trot!

After Miss Fanny and I had talked, and I had told her my plan, which she
pronounced to be delightful, she continued:--"I never was so provoked in
my life, Mr. Titmarsh, as when that odious man came and interrupted that
dear delightful conversation."

"On your word? The odious man is on board the boat: I see him smoking
just by the funnel yonder, look! and looking at us."

"He is very stupid," said Fanny; "and all that I adore is intellect,
dear Mr. Titmarsh."

"But why is he on board?" said I, with a fin sourire.

"Why is he on board? Why is everybody on board? How do we meet? (and oh,
how glad I am to meet you again!) You don't suppose that I know how the
horrid man came here?"

"Eh! he may be fascinated by a pair of blue eyes, Miss Fanny! Others
have been so," I said.

"Don't be cruel to a poor girl, you wicked, satirical creature," she
said. "I think Captain Hicks odious--there! and I was quite angry when I
saw him on the boat. Mamma does not know him, and she was so angry
with me for dancing with him that night: though there was nobody of any
particular mark at poor dear Mrs. Perkins's--that is, except YOU, Mr.
Titmarsh."

"And I am not a dancing man," I said, with a sigh.

"I hate dancing men; they can do nothing but dance."

"O yes, they can. Some of them can smoke, and some can ride, and some of
them can even spell very well."

"You wicked, satirical person. I'm quite afraid of you!"

"And some of them call the Rhine the 'Whine,'" I said, giving an
admirable imitation of poor Hicks's drawling manner.

Fanny looked hard at me, with a peculiar expression on her face. At last
she laughed. "Oh, you wicked, wicked man," she said, "what a capital
mimic you are, and so full of cleverness! Do bring up Captain
Hicks--isn't that his name?--and trot him out for us. Bring him up, and
introduce him to mamma: do now, go!"

Mamma, in the meanwhile, had waited her time, and was just going to step
down the cabin stairs as Lady Knightsbridge ascended from them. To draw
back, to make a most profound curtsy, to exclaim, "Lady Knightsbridge! I
have had the honor of seeing your ladyship at--hum--hum--hum" (this word
I could not catch)--"House,"--all these feats were performed by Lady
Kicklebury in one instant, and acknowledged with the usual calmness by
the younger lady.

"And may I hope," continues Lady Kicklebury, "that that most beautiful
of all children--a mother may say so--that Lord Pimlico has recovered
his hooping-cough? We were so anxious about him. Our medical attendant
is Mr. Topham, and he used to come from Knightsbridge House to
Pocklington Square, often and often. I am interested about the
hooping-cough. My own dear boy had it most severely; that dear girl, my
eldest daughter, whom you see stretched on the bench--she is in a very
delicate state, and only lately married--not such a match as I could
have wished: but Mr. Milliken is of a good family, distantly related
to your ladyship's. A Milliken, in George the Third's reign, married
a Boltimore, and the Boltimores, I think, are your first-cousins. They
married this year, and Lavinia is so fond of me, that she can't part
with me, and I have come abroad just to please her. We are going to
Noirbourg. I think I heard from my son that Lord Knightsbridge was at
Noirbourg."

"I believe I have had the pleasure of seeing Sir Thomas Kicklebury
at Knightsbridge House," Lady Knightsbridge said, with something of
sadness.

"Indeed!" and Kicklebury had never told her! He laughed at her when she
talked about great people: he told her all sorts of ridiculous stories
when upon this theme. But, at any rate, the acquaintance was made: Lady
Kicklebury would not leave Lady Knightsbridge; and, even in the throes
of sea-sickness, and the secret recesses of the cabin, WOULD talk to
her about the world, Lord Pimlico, and her father, General Guff, late
aide-de-camp to the Duke of York.

That those throes of sickness ensued, I need not say. A short time after
passing Ramsgate, Serjeant Lankin, who had been exceedingly gay and
satirical--(in his calm way; he quotes Horace, my favorite bits as
an author, to myself, and has a quiet snigger, and, so to speak,
amontillado flavor, exceedingly pleasant)--Lankin, with a rueful and
livid countenance, descended into his berth, in the which that six foot
of serjeant packed himself I don't know how.

When Lady Knightsbridge went down, down went Kicklebury. Milliken and
his wife stayed, and were ill together on deck. A palm of glory ought to
be awarded to that man for his angelic patience, energy, and suffering.
It was he who went for Mrs. Milliken's maid, who wouldn't come to
her mistress; it was he, the shyest of men, who stormed the ladies'
cabin--that maritime harem--in order to get her mother's bottle of
salts; it was he who went for the brandy-and-water, and begged,
and prayed, and besought his adored Lavinia to taste a leetle drop.
Lavinia's reply was, "Don't--go away--don't tease, Horace," and so
forth. And, when not wanted, the gentle creature subsided on the bench,
by his wife's feet, and was sick in silence.

[Mem--In married life, it seems to me, that it is almost always Milliken
and wife, or just the contrary. The angels minister to the tyrants; or
the gentle, hen-pecked husband cowers before the superior partlet. If
ever I marry, I know the sort of woman I will choose; and I won't try
her temper by over-indulgence, and destroy her fine qualities by a
ruinous subserviency to her wishes.]

Little Miss Fanny stayed on deck, as well as her sister, and looked at
the stars of heaven, as they began to shine there, and at the Foreland
lights as we passed them. I would have talked with her; I would
have suggested images of poesy, and thoughts of beauty; I would have
whispered the word of sentiment--the delicate allusion--the breathing
of the soul that longs to find a congenial heart--the sorrows and
aspirations of the wounded spirit, stricken and sad, yet not QUITE
despairing; still knowing that the hope-plant lurked in its crushed
ruins--still able to gaze on the stars and the ocean, and love their
blazing sheen, their boundless azure. I would, I say, have taken the
opportunity of that stilly night to lay bare to her the treasures of a
heart that, I am happy to say, is young still; but circumstances forbade
the frank outpouring of my poet soul: in a word, I was obliged to go and
lie down on the flat of my back, and endeavor to control OTHER emotions
which struggled in my breast.

Once, in the night-watches, I arose, and came on deck; the vessel was
not, methought, pitching much; and yet--and yet Neptune was inexorable.
The placid stars looked down, but they gave me no peace. Lavinia
Milliken seemed asleep, and her Horace, in a death-like torpor, was
huddled at her feet. Miss Fanny had quitted the larboard side of
the ship, and had gone to starboard; and I thought that there was a
gentleman beside her; but I could not see very clearly, and returned
to the horrid crib, where Lankin was asleep, and the German fiddler
underneath him was snoring like his own violoncello.

In the morning we were all as brisk as bees. We were in the smooth
waters of the lazy Scheldt. The stewards began preparing breakfast with
that matutinal eagerness which they always show. The sleepers in the
cabin were roused from their horse-hair couches by the stewards' boys
nudging, and pushing, and flapping table-cloths over them. I shaved and
made a neat toilette, and came upon deck just as we lay off that little
Dutch fort, which is, I dare say, described in "Murray's Guide-book,"
and about which I had some rare banter with poor Hicks and Lady
Kicklebury, whose sense of humor is certainly not very keen. He had,
somehow, joined her ladyship's party, and they were looking at the
fort, and its tri-colored flag--that floats familiar in Vandevelde's
pictures--and at the lazy shipping, and the tall roofs, and dumpy church
towers, and flat pastures, lying before us in a Cuyplike haze.

I am sorry to say, I told them the most awful fibs about that fort. How
it had been defended by the Dutch patriot, Van Swammerdam, against the
united forces of the Duke of Alva and Marshal Turenne, whose leg was
shot off as he was leading the last unsuccessful assault, and who turned
round to his aide-de-camp and said, "Allez dire an Premier Consul, que
je meurs avec regret de ne pas avoir assez fait pour la France!" which
gave Lady Kicklebury an opportunity to placer her story of the Duke of
York, and the bombardment of Valenciennes; and caused young Hicks
to look at me in a puzzled and appealing manner and hint that I was
"chaffing."

"Chaffing indeed!" says I, with a particularly arch eye-twinkle at
Miss Fanny. "I wouldn't make fun of you, Captain Hicks! If you doubt my
historical accuracy, look at the 'Biographie Universelle.' I say--look
at the 'Biographie Universelle.'"

He said, "O--ah--the 'Biogwaphie Universelle' may be all vewy well, and
that; but I never can make out whether you are joking or not, somehow;
and I always fancy you are going to CAWICKACHAW me. Ha, ha!" And he
laughed, the good-natured dragoon laughed, and fancied he had made a
joke.

I entreated him not to be so severe upon me; and again he said, "Haw
haw!" and told me, "I mustn't expect to have it all MY OWN WAY, and if
I gave a hit, I must expect a Punch in return. Haw haw!" Oh, you honest
young Hicks!

Everybody, indeed, was in high spirits. The fog cleared off, the sun
shone, the ladies chatted and laughed, even Mrs. Milliken was in good
humor ("My wife is all intellect," Milliken says, looking at her with
admiration), and talked with us freely and gayly. She was kind enough
to say that it was a great pleasure to meet with a literary and
well-informed person--that one often lived with people that did not
comprehend one. She asked if my companion, that tall gentleman--Mr.
Serjeant Lankin, was he?--was literary. And when I said that Lankin knew
more Greek, and more Latin, and more law, and more history, and more
everything, than all the passengers put together, she vouchsafed to
look at him with interest, and enter into a conversation with my modest
friend the Serjeant. Then it was that her adoring husband said "his
Lavinia was all intellect;"--Lady Kicklebury saying that SHE was not a
literary woman: that in HER day few acquirements were requisite for the
British female; but that she knew THE SPIRIT OF THE AGE, and her DUTY AS
A MOTHER, and that "Lavinia and Fanny had had the best masters and
the best education which money and constant maternal solicitude could
impart." If our matrons are virtuous, as they are, and it is Britain's
boast, permit me to say that they certainly know it.

The conversation growing powerfully intellectual under Mrs. Milliken,
poor Hicks naturally became uneasy, and put an end to literature by
admiring the ladies' head-dresses. "Cab-heads, hoods, what do you call
'em?" he asked of Miss Kicklebury. Indeed, she and her sister wore a
couple of those blue silk over-bonnets, which have lately become the
fashion, and which I never should have mentioned but for the young
lady's reply.

"Those hoods!" she said--"WE CALL THOSE HOODS UGLIES! Captain Hicks."

Oh, how pretty she looked as she said it! The blue eyes looked up under
the blue hood, so archly and gayly; ever so many dimples began playing
about her face; her little voice rang so fresh and sweet, that a heart
which has never loved a tree or flower but the vegetable in question
was sure to perish--a heart worn down and sickened by repeated
disappointment, mockery, faithlessness--a heart whereof despair is an
accustomed tenant, and in whose desolate and lonely depths dwells an
abiding gloom, began to throb once more--began to beckon Hope from the
window--began to admit sunshine--began to--O Folly, Folly! O Fanny!
O Miss K., how lovely you looked as you said, "We call those hoods
Uglies!" Ugly indeed!


This is a chronicle of feelings and characters, not of events and
places, so much. All this time our vessel was making rapid way up the
river, and we saw before us the slim towers of the noble cathedral of
Antwerp soaring in the rosy sunshine. Lankin and I had agreed to go to
the "Grand Laboureur," or the Place de Meir. They give you a particular
kind of jam-tarts there--called Nun's tarts, I think--that I remember,
these twenty years, as the very best tarts--as good as the tarts
which we ate when we were boys. The "Laboureur" is a dear old quiet
comfortable hotel; and there is no man in England who likes a good
dinner better than Lankin.

"What hotel do you go to?" I asked of Lady Kicklebury.

"We go to the 'Saint Antoine' of course. Everybody goes to the 'Saint
Antoine,'" her ladyship said. "We propose to rest here; to do the
Rubens's; and to proceed to Cologne to-morrow. Horace, call Finch and
Bowman; and your courier, if he will have the condescension to wait upon
ME, will perhaps look to the baggage."

"I think, Lankin," said I, "as everybody seems going to the 'Saint
Antoine,' we may as well go, and not spoil the party."

"I think I'll go too," says Hicks; as if HE belonged to the party.

And oh, it was a great sight when we landed, and at every place at which
we paused afterwards, to see Hirsch over the Kicklebury baggage, and
hear his polyglot maledictions at the porters! If a man sometimes feels
sad and lonely at his bachelor condition, if SOME feelings of envy
pervade his heart, at seeing beauty on another's arm, and kind eyes
directed towards a happier mug than his own--at least there are some
consolations in travelling, when a fellow has but one little portmanteau
or bag which he can easily shoulder, and thinks of the innumerable bags
and trunks which the married man and the father drags after him. The
married Briton on a tour is but a luggage overseer: his luggage is his
morning thought, and his nightly terror. When he floats along the Rhine
he has one eye on a ruin, and the other on his luggage. When he is in
the railroad he is always thinking, or ordered by his wife to think, "is
the luggage safe?" It clings round him. It never leaves him (except
when it DOES leave him, as a trunk or two will, and make him doubly
miserable). His carpet-bags lie on his chest at night, and his wife's
forgotten bandbox haunts his turbid dreams.

I think it was after she found that Lady Kicklebury proposed to go to
the "Grand Saint Antoine" that Lady Knightsbridge put herself with
her maid into a carriage and went to the other inn. We saw her at the
cathedral, where she kept aloof from our party. Milliken went up the
tower, and so did Miss Fanny. I am too old a traveller to mount up those
immeasurable stairs, for the purpose of making myself dizzy by gazing
upon a vast map of low countries stretched beneath me, and waited with
Mrs. Milliken and her mother below.

When the tower-climbers descended, we asked Miss Fanny and her brother
what they had seen.

"We saw Captain Hicks up there," remarked Milliken. "And I am very glad
you didn't come, Lavinia my love. The excitement would have been too
much for you, quite too much."

All this while Lady Kicklebury was looking at Fanny, and Fanny was
holding her eyes down; and I knew that between her and this poor Hicks
there could be nothing serious, for she had laughed at him and mimicked
him to me half a dozen times in the course of the day.

We "do the Rubens's," as Lady Kicklebury says; we trudge from cathedral
to picture-gallery, from church to church. We see the calm old city,
with its towers and gables, the bourse, and the vast town-hall; and
I have the honor to give Lady Kicklebury my arm during these
peregrinations, and to hear a hundred particulars regarding her
ladyship's life and family. How Milliken has been recently building
at Pigeoncot; how he will have two thousand a year more when his uncle
dies; how she had peremptorily to put a stop to the assiduities of that
unprincipled young man, Lord Roughhead, whom Lavinia always detested,
and who married Miss Brent out of sheer pique. It was a great escape for
her darling Lavinia. Roughhead is a most wild and dissipated young man,
one of Kicklebury's Christchurch friends, of whom her son has too many,
alas! and she enters into many particulars respecting the conduct
of Kicklebury--the unhappy boy's smoking, his love of billiards, his
fondness for the turf: she fears he has already injured his income, she
fears he is even now playing at Noirbourg; she is going thither to wean
him, if possible, from his companions and his gayeties--what may not a
mother effect? She only wrote to him the day before they left London
to announce that she was marching on him with her family. He is in many
respects like his poor father--the same openness and frankness, the same
easy disposition: alas! the same love of pleasure. But she had reformed
the father, and will do her utmost to call back her dear misguided boy.
She had an advantageous match for him in view--a lady not beautiful in
person, it is true, but possessed of every good principle, and a very,
very handsome fortune. It was under pretence of flying from this lady
that Kicklebury left town. But she knew better.

I say young men will be young men, and sow their wild oats; and think
to myself that the invasion of his mamma will be perhaps more surprising
than pleasant to young Sir Thomas Kicklebury, and that she possibly
talks about herself and her family, and her virtues and her daughters,
a little too much: but she WILL make a confidant of me, and all the time
we are doing the Rubens's she is talking of the pictures at Kicklebury,
of her portrait by Lawrence, pronounced to be his finest work, of
Lavinia's talent for drawing, and the expense of Fanny's music-masters;
of her house in town (where she hopes to see me); of her parties which
were stopped by the illness of her butler. She talks Kicklebury until I
am sick. And oh, Miss Fanny, all of this I endure, like an old fool, for
an occasional sight of your bright eyes and rosy face!


[Another parenthesis.--"We hope to see you in town, Mr. Titmarsh."
Foolish mockery! If all the people whom one has met abroad, and who
have said, "We hope to meet you often in town," had but made any the
slightest efforts to realize their hopes by sending a simple line of
invitation through the penny post, what an enormous dinner acquaintance
one would have had! But I mistrust people who say, "We hope to see you
in town."]


Lankin comes in at the end of the day, just before dinnertime. He has
paced the whole town by himself--church, tower, and fortifications,
and Rubens, and all. He is full of Egmont and Alva. He is up to all the
history of the siege, when Chassee defended, and the French attacked the
place. After dinner we stroll along the quays; and over the quiet
cigar in the hotel court, Monsieur Lankin discourses about the Rubens
pictures, in a way which shows that the learned Serjeant has an eye
for pictorial beauty as well as other beauties in this world, and can
rightly admire the vast energy, the prodigal genius, the royal splendor
of the King of Antwerp. In the most modest way in the world he has
remarked a student making clever sketches at the Museum, and has ordered
a couple of copies from him of the famous Vandyke and the wondrous
adoration of the Magi, "a greater picture," says he, "than even the
cathedral picture; in which opinion those may agree who like." He says
he thinks Miss Kicklebury is a pretty little thing; that all my swans
are geese; and that as for that old woman, with her airs and graces, she
is the most intolerable old nuisance in the world. There is much good
judgment, but there is too much sardonic humor about Lankin. He cannot
appreciate women properly. He is spoiled by being an old bachelor, and
living in that dingy old Pump Court; where, by the way, he has a cellar
fit for a Pontiff. We go to rest; they have given us humble lodgings
high up in the building, which we accept like philosophers who travel
with but a portmanteau apiece. The Kickleburys have the grand suite, as
becomes their dignity. Which, which of those twinkling lights illumines
the chamber of Miss Fanny?

Hicks is sitting in the court too, smoking his cigar. He and Lankin met
in the fortifications. Lankin says he is a sensible fellow, and seems
to know his profession. "Every man can talk well about something," the
Serjeant says. "And one man can about everything," says I; at which
Lankin blushes; and we take our flaring tallow candles and go to bed. He
has us up an hour before the starting time, and we have that period to
admire Herr Oberkellner, who swaggers as becomes the Oberkellner of a
house frequented by ambassadors; who contradicts us to our faces, and
whose own countenance is ornamented with yesterday's beard, of which, or
of any part of his clothing, the graceful youth does not appear to have
divested himself since last we left him. We recognize, somewhat dingy
and faded, the elaborate shirt-front which appeared at yesterday's
banquet. Farewell, Herr Oberkellner! May we never see your handsome
countenance, washed or unwashed, shaven or unshorn, again!

Here come the ladies: "Good morning, Miss Fanny. I hope you slept
well, Lady Kicklebury?" "A tremendous bill?" "No wonder; how can you
expect otherwise, when you have such a bad dinner?" Hearken to Hirsch's
comminations over the luggage! Look at the honest Belgian soldiers, and
that fat Freyschutz on guard, his rifle in one hand, and the other hand
in his pocket. Captain Hicks bursts into a laugh at the sight of the fat
Freyschutz, and says, "By Jove, Titmarsh, you must cawickachaw him."
And we take our seats at length and at leisure, and the railway trumpets
blow, and (save for a brief halt) we never stop till night, trumpeting
by green flats and pastures, by broad canals and old towns, through
Liege and Verviers, through Aix and Cologne, till we are landed at Bonn
at nightfall.

We all have supper, or tea--we have become pretty intimate--we look at
the strangers' book, as a matter of course, in the great room of the
"Star Hotel." Why, everybody is on the Rhine! Here are the names of half
one's acquaintance.

"I see Lord and Lady Exborough are gone on," says Lady Kicklebury,
whose eye fastens naturally on her kindred aristocracy. "Lord and Lady
Wyebridge and suite, Lady Zedland and her family."

"Hallo! here's Cutler of the Onety-oneth, and MacMull of the Greens, en
route to Noirbourg," says Hicks, confidentially. "Know MacMull? Devilish
good fellow--such a fellow to smoke."

Lankin, too, reads and grins. "Why, are they going the Rhenish circuit?"
he says, and reads:

Sir Thomas Minos, Lady Minos, nebst Begleitung, aus England.

Sir John AEacus, mit Familie und Dienerschaft, aus England.

Sir Roger Raadamanthus.

Thomas Smith, Serjeant.

Serjeant Brown and Mrs. Brown, aus England.

Serjeant Tomkins, Anglais. Madame Tomkins, Mesdemoiselles Tomkins.

Monsieur Kewsy, Conseiller de S. M. la Reine d'Angleterre. Mrs. Kewsy,
three Miss Kewsys.

And to this list Lankin, laughing, had put down his own name, and that
of the reader's obedient servant, under the august autograph of Lady
Kicklebury, who signed for herself, her son-in-law, and her suite.

Yes, we all flock the one after the other, we faithful English folks. We
can buy Harvey Sauce, and Cayenne Pepper, and Morison's Pills, in every
city in the world. We carry our nation everywhere with us; and are in
our island, wherever we go. Toto divisos orbe--always separated from the
people in the midst of whom we are.


When we came to the steamer next morning, "the castled crag of
Drachenfels" rose up in the sunrise before, and looked as pink as the
cheeks of Master Jacky, when they have been just washed in the morning.
How that rosy light, too, did become Miss Fanny's pretty dimples, to be
sure! How good a cigar is at the early dawn! I maintain that it has a
flavor which it does not possess at later hours, and that it partakes of
the freshness of all Nature. And wine, too: wine is never so good as at
breakfast; only one can't drink it, for tipsiness's sake.

See! there is a young fellow drinking soda-water and brandy already. He
puts down his glass with a gasp of satisfaction. It is evident that he
had need of that fortifier and refresher. He puts down the beaker and
says, "How are you, Titmarsh? I was SO cut last night. My eyes, wasn't
I! Not in the least: that's all."

It is the youthful descendant and heir of an ancient line: the noble
Earl of Grimsby's son, Viscount Talboys. He is travelling with the Rev.
Baring Leader, his tutor; who, having a great natural turn and liking
towards the aristocracy, and having inspected Lady Kicklebury's cards
on her trunks, has introduced himself to her ladyship already, and has
inquired after Sir Thomas Kicklebury, whom he remembers perfectly,
and whom he had often the happiness of meeting when Sir Thomas was an
undergraduate at Oxford. There are few characters more amiable, and
delightful to watch and contemplate, than some of those middle-aged
Oxford bucks who hang about the university and live with the young
tufts. Leader can talk racing and boating with the fastest young
Christchurch gentleman. Leader occasionally rides to cover with Lord
Talboys; is a good shot, and seldom walks out without a setter or
a spaniel at his heels. Leader knows the "Peerage" and the "Racing
Calendar" as well as the Oxford cram-books. Leader comes up to town and
dines with Lord Grimsby. Leader goes to Court every two years. He is
the greatest swell in his common-room. He drinks claret, and can't stand
port-wine any longer; and the old fellows of his college admire him, and
pet him, and get all their knowledge of the world and the aristocracy
from him. I admire those kind old dons when they appear affable and
jaunty, men of the world, members of the "Camford and Oxbridge Club,"
upon the London pavement. I like to see them over the Morning Post in
the common-room; with a "Ha, I see Lady Rackstraw has another daughter."
"Poppleton there has been at another party at X---- House, and YOU
weren't asked, my boy."--"Lord Coverdale has got a large party staying
at Coverdale. Did you know him at Christchurch? He was a very handsome
man before he broke his nose fighting the bargeman at Iffly: a light
weight, but a beautiful sparrer," &c. Let me add that Leader, although
he does love a tuft, has a kind heart: as his mother and sisters in
Yorkshire know; as all the village knows too--which is proud of his
position in the great world, and welcomes him very kindly when he comes
down and takes the duty at Christmas, and preaches to them one or two
of "the very sermons which Lord Grimsby was good enough to like, when I
delivered them at Talboys."

"You are not acquainted with Lord Talboys?" Leader asks, with a degage
air. "I shall have much pleasure in introducing you to him. Talboys, let
me introduce you to Lady Kicklebury. Sir Thomas Kicklebury was not at
Christchurch in your time; but you have heard of him, I dare say. Your
son has left a reputation at Oxford."

"I should think I have, too. He walked a hundred miles in a hundred
hours. They said he bet that he'd drink a hundred pints of beer in a
hundred hours: but I don't think he could do it--not strong beer; don't
think any man could. The beer here isn't worth a--"

"My dear Talboys," says Leader, with a winning smile, "I suppose Lady
Kicklebury is not a judge of beer--and what an unromantic subject of
conversation here, under the castled crag immortalized by Byron."

"What the deuce does it mean about peasant-girls with dark blue eyes,
and hands that offer corn and wine?" asks Talboys. "I'VE never seen any
peasant-girls, except the--ugliest set of women I ever looked at."

"The poet's license. I see, Miliken, you are making a charming sketch.
You used to draw when you were at Brasenose, Milliken; and play--yes,
you played the violoncello."

Mr. Milliken still possessed these accomplishments. He was taken up
that very evening by a soldier at Coblentz, for making a sketch of
Ehrenbreitstein. Mrs. Milliken sketches immensely too, and writes
poetry: such dreary pictures, such dreary poems! but professional people
are proverbially jealous; and I doubt whether our fellow-passenger, the
German, would even allow that Milliken could play the violoncello.

Lady Kicklebury gives Miss Fanny a nudge when Lord Talboys appears, and
orders her to exert all her fascinations. How the old lady coaxes, and
she wheedles! She pours out the Talboys' pedigree upon him; and asks
after his aunt, and his mother's family. Is he going to Noirbourg? How
delightful! There is nothing like British spirits; and to see an English
matron well set upon a young man of large fortune and high rank, is a
great and curious sight.

And yet, somehow, the British doggedness does not always answer. "Do
you know that old woman in the drab jacket, Titmarsh?" my hereditary
legislator asks of me. "What the devil is she bothering ME for, about
my aunts, and setting her daughter at me? I ain't such a fool as that.
I ain't clever, Titmarsh; I never said I was. I never pretend to be
clever, and that--but why does that old fool bother ME, hay? Heigho!
I'm devilish thirsty. I was devilish cut last night. I think I must have
another go-off. Hallo you! Kellner! Garsong! Ody soda, Oter petty vare
do dyvee de Conac. That's your sort; isn't it, Leader?"

"You will speak French well enough, if you practise," says Leader with
a tender voice; "practice is everything. Shall we dine at the
table-d'hote? Waiter! put down the name of Viscount Talboys and Mr.
Leader, if you please."

The boat is full of all sorts and conditions of men. For'ard, there are
peasants and soldiers: stumpy, placid-looking little warriors for the
most part, smoking feeble cigars and looking quite harmless under their
enormous helmets. A poor stunted dull-looking boy of sixteen, staggering
before a black-striped sentry-box, with an enormous musket on his
shoulder, does not seem to me a martial or awe-inspiring object. Has it
not been said that we carry our prejudices everywhere, and only admire
what we are accustomed to admire in our own country?

Yonder walks a handsome young soldier who has just been marrying a wife.
How happy they seem! and how pleased that everybody should remark their
happiness. It is a fact that in the full sunshine, and before a couple
of hundred people on board the Joseph Miller steamer, the soldier
absolutely kissed Mrs. Soldier; at which the sweet Fanny Kicklebury was
made to blush.

We were standing together looking at the various groups: the pretty
peasant-woman (really pretty for once,) with the red head-dress and
fluttering ribbons, and the child in her arms; the jolly fat old
gentleman, who was drinking Rhine-wine before noon, and turning his back
upon all the castles, towers, and ruins, which reflected their crumbling
peaks in the water; upon the handsome young students who came with
us from Bonn, with their national colors in their caps, with their
picturesque looks, their yellow ringlets, their budding moustaches, and
with cuts upon almost every one of their noses, obtained in duels at the
university: most picturesque are these young fellows, indeed--but ah,
why need they have such black hands?

Near us is a type, too: a man who adorns his own tale, and points his
own moral. "Yonder, in his carriage, sits the Count de Reineck, who
won't travel without that dismal old chariot, though it is shabby,
costly, and clumsy, and though the wicked red republicans come and smoke
under his very nose. Yes, Miss Fanny, it is the lusty young Germany,
pulling the nose of the worn-out old world."

"Law, what DO you mean, Mr. Titmarsh?" cries the dear Fanny.

"And here comes Mademoiselle de Reineck, with her companion. You see she
is wearing out one of the faded silk gowns which she has spoiled at the
Residenz during the season: for the Reinecks are economical, though they
are proud; and forced, like many other insolvent grandees, to do and to
wear shabby things.

"It is very kind of the young countess to call her companion 'Louise,'
and to let Louise call her 'Laure;' but if faces may be trusted,--and we
can read in one countenance conceit and tyranny; deceit and slyness in
another,--dear Louise has to suffer some hard raps from dear Laure: and,
to judge from her dress, I don't think poor Louise has her salary paid
very regularly.

"What a comfort it is to live in a country where there is neither
insolence nor bankruptcy among the great folks, nor cringing, nor
flattery among the small. Isn't it, Miss Fanny?"

Miss Fanny says, that she can't understand whether I am joking
or serious; and her mamma calls her away to look at the ruins of
Wigginstein. Everybody looks at Wigginstein. You are told in Murray to
look at Wigginstein.


Lankin, who has been standing by, with a grin every now and then upon
his sardonic countenance, comes up and says, "Titmarsh, how can you be
so impertinent?"

"Impertinent! as how?"

"The girl must understand what you mean; and you shouldn't laugh at her
own mother to her. Did you ever see anything like the way in which that
horrible woman is following the young lord about?"

"See! You see it every day, my dear fellow; only the trick is better
done, and Lady Kicklebury is rather a clumsy practitioner. See! why
nobody is better aware of the springes which are set to catch him than
that young fellow himself, who is as knowing as any veteran in May Fair.
And you don't suppose that Lady Kicklebury fancies that she is doing
anything mean, or anything wrong? Heaven bless you! she never did
anything wrong in her life. She has no idea but that everything she
says, and thinks, and does is right. And no doubt she never did rob a
church: and was a faithful wife to Sir Thomas, and pays her tradesmen.
Confound her virtue! It is that which makes her so wonderful--that brass
armor in which she walks impenetrable--not knowing what pity is, or
charity; crying sometimes when she is vexed, or thwarted, but laughing
never; cringing, and domineering by the same natural instinct--never
doubting about herself above all. Let us rise, and revolt against those
people, Lankin. Let us war with them, and smite them utterly. It is to
use against these, especially, that Scorn and Satire were invented."

"And the animal you attack," says Lankin, "is provided with a hide to
defend him--it is a common ordinance of nature."


And so we pass by tower and town, and float up the Rhine. We don't
describe the river. Who does not know it? How you see people asleep in
the cabins at the most picturesque parts, and angry to be awakened when
they fire off those stupid guns for the echoes! It is as familiar to
numbers of people as Greenwich; and we know the merits of the inns along
the road as if they were the "Trafalgar" or the "Star and Garter." How
stale everything grows! If we were to live in a garden of Eden, now, and
the gate were open, we should go out, and tramp forward, and push on,
and get up early in the morning, and push on again--anything to keep
moving, anything to get a change: anything but quiet for the restless
children of Cain.


So many thousands of English folks have been at Rougetnoirbourg in this
and last seasons, that it is scarcely needful to alter the name of that
pretty little gay, wicked place. There were so many British barristers
there this year that they called the "Hotel des Quatre Saisons"
the "Hotel of Quarter Sessions." There were judges and their wives,
serjeants and their ladies, Queen's counsel learned in the law, the
Northern circuit and the Western circuit: there were officers of
half-pay and full-pay, military officers, naval officers, and sheriffs'
officers. There were people of high fashion and rank, and people of
no rank at all; there were men and women of reputation, and of the two
kinds of reputation; there were English boys playing cricket; English
pointers putting up the German partridges, and English guns knocking
them down; there were women whose husbands, and men whose wives were at
home; there were High Church and Low Church--England turned out for a
holiday, in a word. How much farther shall we extend our holiday ground,
and where shall we camp next? A winter at Cairo is nothing now. Perhaps
ere long we shall be going to Saratoga Springs, and the Americans coming
to Margate for the summer.

Apartments befitting her dignity and the number of her family had been
secured for Lady Kicklebury by her dutiful son, in the same house in
which one of Lankin's friends had secured for us much humbler lodgings.
Kicklebury received his mother's advent with a great deal of good humor;
and a wonderful figure the good-natured little baronet was when he
presented himself to his astonished friends, scarcely recognizable by
his own parent and sisters, and the staring retainers of their house.

"Mercy, Kicklebury! have you become a red republican?" his mother asked.

"I can't find a place to kiss you," said Miss Fanny, laughing to her
brother; and he gave her pretty cheek such a scrub with his red beard,
as made some folks think it would be very pleasant to be Miss Fanny's
brother.

In the course of his travels, one of Sir Thomas Kicklebury's chief
amusements and cares had been to cultivate this bushy auburn ornament.
He said that no man could pronounce German properly without a beard to
his jaws; but he did not appear to have got much beyond this preliminary
step to learning; and, in spite of his beard, his honest English accent
came out, as his jolly English face looked forth from behind that fierce
and bristly decoration, perfectly good-humored and unmistakable. We try
our best to look like foreigners, but we can't. Every Italian mendicant
or Pont Neuf beggar knows his Englishman in spite of blouse, and beard,
and slouched hat. "There is a peculiar high-bred grace about us," I
whisper to Lady Kicklebury, "an aristocratic je ne scais quoi, which is
not to be found in any but Englishmen; and it is that which makes us so
immensely liked and admired all over the Continent." Well, this may
be truth or joke--this may be a sneer or a simple assertion: our
vulgarities and our insolences may, perhaps, make us as remarkable
as that high breeding which we assume to possess. It may be that the
Continental society ridicules and detests us, as we walk domineering
over Europe; but, after all, which of us would denationalize himself?
who wouldn't be an Englishman? Come, sir, cosmopolite as you are,
passing all your winters at Rome or at Paris; exiled by choice, or
poverty, from your own country; preferring easier manners, cheaper
pleasures, a simpler life: are you not still proud of your British
citizenship? and would you like to be a Frenchman?

Kicklebury has a great acquaintance at Noirbourg, and as he walks into
the great concert-room at night, introducing his mother and sisters
there, he seemed to look about with a little anxiety, lest all of his
acquaintance should recognize him. There are some in that most strange
and motley company with whom he had rather not exchange salutations,
under present circumstances. Pleasure-seekers from every nation in the
world are here, sharpers of both sexes, wearers of the stars and cordons
of every court in Europe; Russian princesses, Spanish grandees, Belgian,
French, and English nobles, every degree of Briton, from the ambassador,
who has his conge, to the London apprentice who has come out for his
fortnight's lark. Kicklebury knows them all, and has a good-natured nod
for each.

"Who is that lady with the three daughters who saluted you, Kicklebury?"
asks his mother.

"That is our Ambassadress at X., ma'am. I saw her yesterday buying a
penny toy for one of her little children in Frankfort Fair."

Lady Kicklebury looks towards Lady X.: she makes her excellency an
undeveloped curtsy, as it were; she waves her plumed head (Lady K. is
got up in great style, in a rich dejeuner toilette, perfectly regardless
of expense); she salutes the ambassadress with a sweeping gesture from
her chair, and backs before her as before royalty, and turns to her
daughters large eyes full of meaning, and spreads out her silks in
state.

"And who is that distinguished-looking man who just passed, and who gave
you a reserved nod?" asks her ladyship. "Is that Lord X.?"

Kicklebury burst out laughing. "That, ma'am, is Mr. Higmore, of Conduit
Street, tailor, draper, and habit-maker: and I owe him a hundred pound."

"The insolence of that sort of people is really intolerable," says Lady
Kicklebury. "There MUST be some distinction of classes. They ought not
to be allowed to go everywhere. And who is yonder, that lady with the
two boys and the--the very high complexion?" Lady Kicklebury asks.

"That is a Russian princess: and one of those little boys, the one who
is sucking a piece of barley-sugar, plays, and wins five hundred louis
in a night."

"Kicklebury, you do not play? Promise your mother you do not! Swear
to me at this moment you do not! Where are the horrid gambling-rooms?
There, at that door where the crowd is? Of course, I shall never enter
them!"

"Of course not, ma'am," says the affectionate son on duty. "And if you
come to the balls here, please don't let Fanny dance with anybody, until
you ask me first: you understand. Fanny, you will take care."

"Yes, Tom," says Fanny.

"What, Hicks, how are you, old fellow? How is Platts? Who would have
thought of you being here? When did you come?"

"I had the pleasure of travelling with Lady Kicklebury and her daughters
in the London boat to Antwerp," says Captain Hicks, making the ladies
a bow. Kicklebury introduces Hicks to his mother as his most particular
friend--and he whispers Fanny that "he's as good a fellow as ever lived,
Hicks is." Fanny says, "He seems very kind and good-natured: and--and
Captain Hicks waltzes very well," says Miss Fanny with a blush, "and I
hope I may have him for one of my partners."

What a Babel of tongues it is in this splendid hall with gleaming marble
pillars: a ceaseless rushing whisper as if the band were playing its
music by a waterfall! The British lawyers are all got together, and
my friend Lankin, on his arrival, has been carried off by his brother
serjeants, and becomes once more a lawyer. "Well, brother Lankin," says
old Sir Thomas Minos, with his venerable kind face, "you have got your
rule, I see." And they fall into talk about their law matters, as
they always do, wherever they are--at a club, in a ball-room, at a
dinner-table, at the top of Chimborazo. Some of the young barristers
appear as bucks with uncommon splendor, and dance and hang about the
ladies. But they have not the easy languid deuce-may-care air of the
young bucks of the Hicks and Kicklebury school--they can't put on
their clothes with that happy negligence; their neck-cloths sit quite
differently on them, somehow: they become very hot when they dance, and
yet do not spin round near so quickly as those London youths, who have
acquired experience in corpore vili, and learned to dance easily by the
practice of a thousand casinos.

Above the Babel tongues and the clang of the music, as you listen in the
great saloon, you hear from a neighboring room a certain sharp
ringing clatter, and a hard clear voice cries out, "Zero rouge," or
"Trente-cinq noir. Impair et passe." And then there is a pause of a
couple of minutes, and then the voice says, "Faites le jeu, Messieurs.
Le jeu est fait, rien ne va plus"--and the sharp ringing clatter
recommences. You know what that room is? That is Hades. That is where
the spirited proprietor of the establishment takes his toll, and thither
the people go who pay the money which supports the spirited proprietor
of this fine palace and gardens. Let us enter Hades, and see what is
going on there.

Hades is not an unpleasant place. Most of the people look rather
cheerful. You don't see any frantic gamblers gnashing their teeth or
dashing down their last stakes. The winners have the most anxious faces;
or the poor shabby fellows who have got systems, and are pricking down
the alternations of red and black on cards, and don't seem to be playing
at all. On fete days the country people come in, men and women, to
gamble; and THEY seem to be excited as they put down their hard-earned
florins with trembling rough hands, and watch the turn of the wheel. But
what you call the good company is very quiet and easy. A man loses his
mass of gold, and gets up and walks off, without any particular mark of
despair. The only gentleman whom I saw at Noirbourg who seemed really
affected was a certain Count de Mustacheff, a Russian of enormous
wealth, who clenched his fists, beat his breast, cursed his stars, and
absolutely cried with grief: not for losing money, but for neglecting to
win and play upon a coup de vingt, a series in which the red was turned
up twenty times running: which series, had he but played, it is
clear that he might have broken M. Lenoir's bank, and shut up the
gambling-house, and doubled his own fortune--when he would have been no
happier, and all the balls and music, all the newspaper-rooms and parks,
all the feasting and pleasure of this delightful Rougetnoirbourg would
have been at an end.

For though he is a wicked gambling prince, Lenoir, he is beloved in
all these regions; his establishment gives life to the town, to the
lodging-house and hotel-keepers, to the milliners and hackney-coachmen,
to the letters of horse-flesh, to the huntsmen and gardes-de-chasse; to
all these honest fiddlers and trumpeters who play so delectably. Were
Lenoir's bank to break, the whole little city would shut up; and all the
Noirbourgers wish him prosperity, and benefit by his good fortune.

Three years since the Noirbourgers underwent a mighty panic. There
came, at a time when the chief Lenoir was at Paris, and the reins
of government were in the hands of his younger brother, a company of
adventurers from Belgium, with a capital of three hundred thousand
francs, and an infallible system for playing rouge et noir, and they
boldly challenged the bank of Lenoir, and sat down before his croupiers,
and defied him. They called themselves in their pride the Contrebanque
de Noirbourg: they had their croupiers and punters, even as Lenoir
had his: they had their rouleaux of Napoleons, stamped with their
Contrebanquish seal:--and they began to play.

As when two mighty giants step out of a host and engage, the armies
stand still in expectation, and the puny privates and commonalty remain
quiet to witness the combat of the tremendous champions of the war: so
it is said that when the Contrebanque arrived, and ranged itself before
the officers of Lenoir--rouleau to rouleau, bank-note to bank-note, war
for war, controlment for controlment--all the minor punters and gamblers
ceased their peddling play, and looked on in silence, round the verdant
plain where the great combat was to be decided.

Not used to the vast operations of war, like his elder brother, Lenoir
junior, the lieutenant, telegraphed to his absent chief the news of the
mighty enemy who had come down upon him, asked for instructions, and in
the meanwhile met the foe-man like a man. The Contrebanque of Noirbourg
gallantly opened its campaign.

The Lenoir bank was defeated day after day, in numerous savage
encounters. The tactics of the Contrebanquist generals were
irresistible: their infernal system bore down everything before it, and
they marched onwards terrible and victorious as the Macedonian phalanx.
Tuesday, a loss of eighteen thousand florins; Wednesday, a loss of
twelve thousand florins; Thursday, a loss of forty thousand florins:
night after night, the young Lenoir had to chronicle these disasters
in melancholy despatches to his chief. What was to be done? Night after
night, the Noirbourgers retired home doubtful and disconsolate; the
horrid Contrebanquists gathered up their spoils and retired to a
victorious supper. How was it to end?

Far away at Paris, the elder Lenoir answered these appeals of his
brother by sending reinforcements of money. Chests of gold arrived for
the bank. The Prince of Noirbourg bade his beleaguered lieutenant not to
lose heart: he himself never for a moment blenched in this trying hour
of danger.

The Contrebanquists still went on victorious. Rouleau after rouleau fell
into their possession. At last the news came: The Emperor has joined
the Grand Army. Lenoir himself had arrived from Paris, and was once more
among his children, his people. The daily combats continued: and
still, still, though Napoleon was with the Eagles, the abominable
Contrebanquists fought and conquered. And far greater than Napoleon, as
great as Ney himself under disaster, the bold Lenoir never lost courage,
never lost good-humor, was affable, was gentle, was careful of his
subjects' pleasures and comforts, and met an adverse fortune with a
dauntless smile.

With a devilish forbearance and coolness, the atrocious
Contrebanque--like Polyphemus, who only took one of his prisoners out
of the cave at a time, and so ate them off at leisure--the horrid
Contrebanquists, I say, contented themselves with winning so much before
dinner, and so much before supper--say five thousand florins for each
meal. They played and won at noon: they played and won at eventide. They
of Noirbourg went home sadly every night: the invader was carrying all
before him. What must have been the feelings of the great Lenoir? What
were those of Washington before Trenton, when it seemed all up with the
cause of American Independence; what those of the virgin Elizabeth,
when the Armada was signalled; what those of Miltiades, when the
multitudinous Persian bore down on Marathon? The people looked on at
the combat, and saw their chieftain stricken, bleeding, fallen, fighting
still.

At last there came one day when the Contrebanquists had won their
allotted sum, and were about to leave the tables which they had swept
so often. But pride and lust of gold had seized upon the heart of one of
their vainglorious chieftains; and he said, "Do not let us go yet--let
us win a thousand florins more!" So they stayed and set the bank yet
a thousand florins. The Noirbourgers looked on, and trembled for their
prince.

Some three hours afterwards--a shout, a mighty shout was heard around
the windows of that palace: the town, the gardens, the hills, the
fountains took up and echoed the jubilant acclaim. Hip, hip, hip,
hurrah, hurrah, hurrah! People rushed into each other's arms; men,
women, and children cried and kissed each other. Croupiers, who never
feel, who never tremble, who never care whether black wins or red loses,
took snuff from each other's boxes, and laughed for joy; and Lenoir the
dauntless, the INVINCIBLE Lenoir, wiped the drops of perspiration from
his calm forehead, as he drew the enemy's last rouleau into his till. He
had conquered. The Persians were beaten, horse and foot--the Armada had
gone down. Since Wellington shut up his telescope at Waterloo, when the
Prussians came charging on to the field, and the Guard broke and fled,
there had been no such heroic endurance, such utter defeat, such signal
and crowning victory. Vive Lenoir! I am a Lenoirite. I have read his
newspapers, strolled in his gardens, listened to his music, and rejoice
in his victory: I am glad he beat those Contrebanquists. Dissipati sunt.
The game is up with them.


The instances of this man's magnanimity are numerous, and worthy of
Alexander the Great, or Harry the Fifth, or Robin Hood. Most gentle is
he, and thoughtful to the poor, and merciful to the vanquished.
When Jeremy Diddler, who had lost twenty pounds at his table, lay in
inglorious pawn at his inn--when O'Toole could not leave Noirbourg until
he had received his remittances from Ireland--the noble Lenoir
paid Diddler's inn bill, advanced O'Toole money upon his well-known
signature, franked both of them back to their native country again; and
has never, wonderful to state, been paid from that day to this. If you
will go play at his table, you may; but nobody forces you. If you lose,
pay with a cheerful heart. Dulce est desipere in loco. This is not a
treatise of morals. Friar Tuck was not an exemplary ecclesiastic, nor
Robin Hood a model man; but he was a jolly outlaw; and I dare say the
Sheriff of Nottingham, whose money he took, rather relished his feast at
Robin's green table.

And if you lose, worthy friend, as possibly you will, at Lenoir's pretty
games, console yourself by thinking that it is much better for you in
the end that you should lose, than that you should win. Let me, for my
part, make a clean breast of it, and own that your humble servant did,
on one occasion, win a score of Napoleons; and beginning with a sum of
no less than five shillings. But until I had lost them again I was so
feverish, excited, and uneasy, that I had neither delectation in
reading the most exciting French novels, nor pleasure in seeing pretty
landscapes, nor appetite for dinner. The moment, however, that graceless
money was gone, equanimity was restored: Paul Feval and Eugene Sue began
to be terrifically interesting again; and the dinners at Noirbourg,
though by no means good culinary specimens, were perfectly sufficient
for my easy and tranquil mind. Lankin, who played only a lawyer's rubber
at whist, marked the salutary change in his friend's condition; and,
for my part, I hope and pray that every honest reader of this volume
who plays at M. Lenoir's table will lose every shilling of his winnings
before he goes away. Where are the gamblers whom we have read of? Where
are the card-players whom we can remember in our early days? At one
time almost every gentleman played, and there were whist-tables in every
lady's drawing-room. But trumps are going out along with numbers of
old-world institutions; and, before very long, a blackleg will be as
rare an animal as a knight in armor.

There was a little dwarfish, abortive, counter bank set up at Noirbourg
this year: but the gentlemen soon disagreed among themselves; and, let
us hope, were cut off in detail by the great Lenoir. And there was a
Frenchman at our inn who had won two Napoleons per day for the last six
weeks, and who had an infallible system, whereof he kindly offered to
communicate the secret for the consideration of a hundred louis; but
there came one fatal night when the poor Frenchman's system could
not make head against fortune, and her wheel went over him, and he
disappeared utterly.


With the early morning everybody rises and makes his or her appearance
at the Springs, where they partake of water with a wonderful energy and
perseverance. They say that people get to be fond of this water at last;
as to what tastes cannot men accustom themselves? I drank a couple of
glasses of an abominable sort of feeble salts in a state of very gentle
effervescence; but, though there was a very pretty girl who served it,
the drink was abominable, and it was a marvel to see the various topers,
who tossed off glass after glass, which the fair-haired little Hebe
delivered sparkling from the well.

Seeing my wry faces, old Captain Carver expostulated, with a jolly
twinkle of his eye, as he absorbed the contents of a sparkling crystal
beaker. "Pooh! take another glass, sir: you'll like it better and better
every day. It refreshes you, sir: it fortifies you: and as for liking
it--gad! I remember the time when I didn't like claret. Times are
altered now, ha! ha! Mrs. Fantail, madam, I wish you a very good
morning. How is Fantail? He don't come to drink the water: so much the
worse for him."

To see Mrs. Fantail of an evening is to behold a magnificent sight.
She ought to be shown in a room by herself; and, indeed, would occupy
a moderate-sized one with her person and adornments. Marie Antoinette's
hoop is not bigger than Mrs. Fantail's flounces. Twenty men taking hands
(and, indeed, she likes to have at least that number about her) would
scarcely encompass her. Her chestnut ringlets spread out in a halo
round her face: she must want two or three coiffeurs to arrange that
prodigious head-dress; and then, when it is done, how can she endure
that extraordinary gown? Her travelling bandboxes must be as large as
omnibuses.

But see Mrs. Fantail in the morning, having taken in all sail: the
chestnut curls have disappeared, and two limp bands of brown hair border
her lean, sallow face; you see before you an ascetic, a nun, a woman
worn by mortifications, of a sad yellow aspect, drinking salts at the
well: a vision quite different from that rapturous one of the previous
night's ball-room. No wonder Fantail does not come out of a morning; he
had rather not see such a Rebecca at the well.

Lady Kicklebury came for some mornings pretty regularly, and was very
civil to Mr. Leader, and made Miss Fanny drink when his lordship took a
cup, and asked Lord Talboys and his tutor to dinner. But the tutor came,
and, blushing, brought an excuse from Talboys; and poor Milliken had not
a very pleasant evening after Mr. Baring Leader rose to go away.

But though the water was not good the sun was bright, the music cheery,
the landscape fresh and pleasant, and it was always amusing to see the
vast varieties of our human species that congregated at the Springs, and
trudged up and down the green allees. One of the gambling conspirators
of the roulette-table it was good to see here, in his private character,
drinking down pints of salts like any other sinner, having a homely
wife on his arm, and between them a poodle on which they lavished their
tenderest affection. You see these people care for other things besides
trumps; and are not always thinking about black and red:--as even ogres
are represented, in their histories, as of cruel natures, and licentious
appetites, and, to be sure, fond of eating men and women; but yet it
appears that their wives often respected them, and they had a sincere
liking for their own hideous children. And, besides the card-players,
there are band-players: every now and then a fiddle from the neighboring
orchestra, or a disorganized bassoon, will step down and drink a glass
of the water, and jump back into his rank again.

Then come the burly troops of English, the honest lawyers, merchants,
and gentlemen, with their wives and buxom daughters, and stout sons,
that, almost grown to the height of manhood, are boys still, with rough
wide-awake hats and shooting-jackets, full of lark and laughter. A
French boy of sixteen has had des passions ere that time, very likely,
and is already particular in his dress, an ogler of the women, and
preparing to kill. Adolphe says to Alphonse--"La voila cette charmante
Miss Fanni, la belle Kickleburi! je te donne ma parole, elle est fraiche
comme une rose! la crois-tu riche, Alphonse?" "Je me range, mon ami,
vois-tu? La vie de garcon me pese. Ma parole d'honneur! je me range."

And he gives Miss Fanny a killing bow, and a glance which seems to say,
"Sweet Anglaise, I know that I have won your heart."

Then besides the young French buck, whom we will willingly suppose
harmless, you see specimens of the French raff, who goes aux eaux:
gambler, speculator, sentimentalist, duellist, travelling with madame
his wife, at whom other raffs nod and wink familiarly. This rogue is
much more picturesque and civilized than the similar person in our own
country: whose manners betray the stable; who never reads anything but
Bell's Life; and who is much more at ease in conversing with a groom
than with his employer. Here come Mr. Boucher and Mr. Fowler: better to
gamble for a score of nights with honest Monsieur Lenoir, than to sit
down in private once with those gentlemen. But we have said that their
profession is going down, and the number of Greeks daily diminishes.
They are travelling with Mr. Bloundell, who was a gentleman once, and
still retains about him some faint odor of that time of bloom; and
Bloundell has put himself on young Lord Talboys, and is trying to get
some money out of that young nobleman. But the English youth of the
present day is a wide-awake youth, and male or female artifices are
expended pretty much in vain on our young travelling companion.

Who come yonder? Those two fellows whom we met at the table-d'hote at
the "Hotel de Russie" the other day: gentlemen of splendid costume, and
yet questionable appearances, the eldest of whom called for the list of
wines, and cried out loud enough for all the company to hear, "Lafite,
six florins. 'Arry, shall we have some Lafite? You don't mind? No more
do I then. I say, waiter, let's 'ave a pint of ordinaire." Truth is
stranger than fiction. You good fellow, wherever you are, why did
you ask 'Arry to 'ave that pint of ordinaire in the presence of your
obedient servant? How could he do otherwise than chronicle the speech?

And see: here is a lady who is doubly desirous to be put into print, who
encourages it and invites it. It appears that on Lankin's first arrival
at Noirbourg with his travelling companion, a certain sensation was
created in the little society by the rumor that an emissary of the
famous Mr. Punch had arrived in the place; and, as we were smoking the
cigar of peace on the lawn after dinner, looking on at the benevolent,
pretty scene, Mrs. Hopkins, Miss Hopkins, and the excellent head of the
family, walked many times up and down before us; eyed us severely face
to face, and then walking away, shot back fierce glances at us in the
Parthian manner; and at length, at the third or fourth turn, and when
we could not but overhear so fine a voice, Mrs. Hopkins looks at us
steadily, and says, "I'm sure he may put ME in if he likes: I don't
mind."

Oh, ma'am! Oh, Mrs. Hopkins! how should a gentleman, who had never seen
your face or heard of you before, want to put YOU in? What interest can
the British public have in you? But as you wish it, and court publicity,
here you are. Good luck go with you, madam. I have forgotten your real
name, and should not know you again if I saw you. But why could not you
leave a man to take his coffee and smoke his pipe in quiet?

We could never have time to make a catalogue of all the portraits that
figure in this motley gallery. Among the travellers in Europe, who are
daily multiplying in numbers and increasing in splendor, the United
States' dandies must not be omitted. They seem as rich as the Milor of
old days; they crowd in European capitals; they have elbowed out people
of the old country from many hotels which we used to frequent; they
adopt the French fashion of dressing rather than ours, and they grow
handsomer beards than English beards: as some plants are found to
flourish and shoot up prodigiously when introduced into a new soil. The
ladies seem to be as well dressed as Parisians, and as handsome; though
somewhat more delicate, perhaps, than the native English roses. They
drive the finest carriages, they keep the grandest houses, they frequent
the grandest company--and, in a word, the Broadway Swell has now taken
his station and asserted his dignity amongst the grandees of Europe.
He is fond of asking Count Reineck to dinner, and Grafinn Laura will
condescend to look kindly upon a gentleman who has millions of dollars.
Here comes a pair of New Yorkers. Behold their elegant curling
beards, their velvet coats, their delicate primrose gloves and cambric
handkerchiefs, and the aristocratic beauty of their boots. Why, if you
had sixteen quarterings, you could not have smaller feet than those; and
if you were descended from a line of kings you could not smoke better or
bigger cigars.

Lady Kicklebury deigns to think very well of these young men, since she
has seen them in the company of grandees and heard how rich they are.
"Who is that very stylish-looking woman, to whom Mr. Washington Walker
spoke just now?" she asks of Kicklebury.

Kicklebury gives a twinkle of his eye. "Oh, that, mother! that is Madame
La Princesse de Mogador--it's a French title."

"She danced last night, and danced exceedingly well; I remarked her.
There's a very high-bred grace about the princess."

"Yes, exceedingly. We'd better come on," says Kicklebury, blushing
rather as he returns the princess's nod.

It is wonderful how large Kicklebury's acquaintance is. He has a word
and a joke, in the best German he can muster, for everybody--for the
high well-born lady, as for the German peasant maiden, or the pretty
little washerwoman, who comes full sail down the streets, a basket on
her head and one of Mrs. Fantail's wonderful gowns swelling on each arm.
As we were going to the Schloss-Garten I caught a sight of the rogue's
grinning face yesterday, close at little Gretel's ear under her basket;
but spying out his mother advancing, he dashed down a bystreet, and when
we came up with her, Gretel was alone.

One but seldom sees the English and the holiday visitors in the ancient
parts of Noirbourg; they keep to the streets of new buildings and garden
villas, which have sprung up under the magic influence of M. Lenoir,
under the white towers and gables of the old German town. The Prince
of Trente et Quarante has quite overcome the old serene sovereign of
Noirbourg, whom one cannot help fancying a prince like a prince in a
Christmas pantomime--a burlesque prince with twopence-halfpenny for a
revenue, jolly and irascible, a prime-minister-kicking prince, fed upon
fabulous plum-puddings and enormous pasteboard joints, by cooks and
valets with large heads which never alter their grin. Not that this
portrait is from the life. Perhaps he has no life. Perhaps there is no
prince in the great white tower, that we see for miles before we enter
the little town. Perhaps he has been mediatized, and sold his kingdom
to Monsieur Lenoir. Before the palace of Lenoir there is a grove of
orange-trees in tubs, which Lenoir bought from another German prince;
who went straightway and lost the money, which he had been paid for his
wonderful orange-trees, over Lenoir's green tables, at his roulette and
trente-et-quarante. A great prince is Lenoir in his way; a generous and
magnanimous prince. You may come to his feast and pay nothing, unless
you please. You may walk in his gardens, sit in his palace, and read
his thousand newspapers. You may go and play at whist in his small
drawing-rooms, or dance and hear concerts in his grand saloon--and there
is not a penny to pay. His fiddlers and trumpeters begin trumpeting and
fiddling for you at the early dawn--they twang and blow for you in the
afternoon, they pipe for you at night that you may dance--and there is
nothing to pay--Lenoir pays for all. Give him but the chances of the
table, and he will do all this and more. It is better to live under
Prince Lenoir than a fabulous old German Durchlaucht whose cavalry ride
wicker horses with petticoats, and whose prime minister has a great
pasteboard head. Vive le Prince Lenoir!

There is a grotesque old carved gate to the palace of the Durchlaucht,
from which you could expect none but a pantomime procession to pass.
The place looks asleep; the courts are grass-grown and deserted. Is
the Sleeping Beauty lying yonder, in the great white tower? What is the
little army about? It seems a sham army: a sort of grotesque military.
The only charge of infantry was this: one day when passing through the
old town, looking for sketches. Perhaps they become croupiers at night.
What can such a fabulous prince want with anything but a sham army?
My favorite walk was in the ancient quarter of the town--the dear old
fabulous quarter, away from the noisy actualities of life and Prince
Lenoir's new palace--out of eye and earshot of the dandies and the
ladies in their grand best clothes at the promenades--and the rattling
whirl of the roulette wheel--and I liked to wander in the glum old
gardens under the palace wall, and imagine the Sleeping Beauty within
there.

Some one persuaded us one day to break the charm, and see the interior
of the palace. I am sorry we did. There was no Sleeping Beauty in any
chamber that we saw; nor any fairies, good or malevolent. There was a
shabby set of clean old rooms, which looked as if they had belonged to
a prince hard put to it for money, and whose tin crown jewels would not
fetch more than King Stephen's pantaloons. A fugitive prince, a brave
prince struggling with the storms of fate, a prince in exile may
be poor; but a prince looking out of his own palace windows with a
dressing-gown out at elbows, and dunned by his subject washerwoman--I
say this is a painful object. When they get shabby they ought not to be
seen. "Don't you think so, Lady Kicklebury?" Lady Kicklebury evidently
had calculated the price of the carpets and hangings, and set them
justly down at a low figure. "These German princes," she said, "are not
to be put on a level with English noblemen." "Indeed," we answer, "there
is nothing so perfect as England: nothing so good as our aristocracy;
nothing so perfect as our institutions." "Nothing! NOTHING!" says Lady
K.

An English princess was once brought to reign here; and almost the whole
of the little court was kept upon her dowry. The people still regard
her name fondly; and they show, at the Schloss, the rooms which she
inhabited. Her old books are still there--her old furniture brought from
home; the presents and keepsakes sent by her family are as they were in
the princess's lifetime: the very clock has the name of a Windsor maker
on its face; and portraits of all her numerous race decorate the homely
walls of the now empty chambers. There is the benighted old king, his
beard hanging down to the star on his breast; and the first gentleman
of Europe--so lavish of his portrait everywhere, and so chary of showing
his royal person--all the stalwart brothers of the now all but extinct
generation are there; their quarrels and their pleasures, their glories
and disgraces, enemies, flatterers, detractors, admirers--all now
buried. Is it not curious to think that the King of Trumps now virtually
reigns in this place, and has deposed the other dynasty?

Very early one morning, wishing to have a sketch of the White Tower
in which our English princess had been imprisoned, I repaired to the
gardens, and set about a work, which, when completed, will no doubt
have the honor of a place on the line at the Exhibition; and, returning
homewards to breakfast, musing upon the strange fortunes and inhabitants
of the queer, fantastic, melancholy place, behold, I came suddenly upon
a couple of persons, a male and a female; the latter of whom wore a blue
hood or "ugly," and blushed very much on seeing me. The man began to
laugh behind his moustaches, the which cachinnation was checked by an
appealing look from the young lady; and he held out his hand and said,
"How d'ye do, Titmarsh? Been out making some cawickachaws, hay?"

I need not say that the youth before me was the heavy dragoon, and that
the maiden was Miss Fanny Kicklebury. Or need I repeat that, in the
course of my blighted being, I never loved a young gazelle to glad
me with its dark blue eye, but when it came to, &c., the usual
disappointment, was sure to ensue? There is no necessity why I should
allude to my feelings at this most manifest and outrageous case. I gave
a withering glance of scorn at the pair, and, with a stately salutation,
passed on.

Miss Fanny came tripping after me. She held out her little hand with
such a pretty look of deprecation, that I could not but take it; and
she said, "Mr. Titmarsh, if you please, I want to speak to you, if you
please;" and, choking with emotion, I bade her speak on.

"My brother knows all about it, and, highly approves of Captain Hicks,"
she said, with her head hanging down; "and oh, he's very good and kind:
and I know him MUCH better now, than I did when we were on board the
steamer."

I thought how I had mimicked him, and what an ass I had been.

"And you know," she continued, "that you have quite deserted me for the
last ten days for your great acquaintances."

"I have been to play chess with Lord Knightsbridge, who has the gout."

"And to drink tea constantly with that American lady; and you have
written verses in her album; and in Lavinia's album; and as I saw that
you had quite thrown me off, why I--my brother approves of it highly;
and--and Captain Hicks likes you very much, and says you amuse him very
much--indeed he does," says the arch little wretch. And then she added
a postscript, as it were to her letter, which contained, as usual, the
point which she wished to urge:--

"You--won't break it to mamma--will you be so kind? My brother will do
that"--and I promised her; and she ran away, kissing her hand to me. And
I did not say a word to Lady Kicklebury, and not above a thousand people
at Noirbourg knew that Miss Kicklebury and Captain Hicks were engaged.


And now let those who are too confident of their virtue listen to
the truthful and melancholy story which I have to relate, and humble
themselves, and bear in mind that the most perfect among us are
occasionally liable to fall. Kicklebury was not perfect,--I do not
defend his practice. He spent a great deal more time and money than was
good for him at M. Lenoir's gaming-table, and the only thing which the
young fellow never lost was his good humor. If Fortune shook her swift
wings and fled away from him, he laughed at the retreating pinions, and
you saw him dancing and laughing as gayly after losing a rouleau, as if
he was made of money, and really had the five thousand a year which
his mother said was the amount of the Kicklebury property. But when her
ladyship's jointure, and the young ladies' allowances, and the interest
of mortgages were paid out of the five thousand a year, I grieve to say
that the gallant Kicklebury's income was to be counted by hundreds and
not by thousands; so that, for any young lady who wants a carriage (and
who can live without one?) our friend the baronet is not a desirable
specimen of bachelors. Now, whether it was that the presence of his
mamma interrupted his pleasures, or certain of her ways did not please
him, or that he had lost all his money at roulette and could afford no
more, certain it is, that after about a fortnight's stay at Noirbourg,
he went off to shoot with Count Einhorn in Westphalia; he and Hicks
parting the dearest of friends, and the baronet going off on a
pony which the captain lent to him. Between him and Millikin, his
brother-in-law, there was not much sympathy: for he pronounced Mr.
Milliken to be what is called a muff; and had never been familiar with
his elder sister Lavinia, of whose poems he had a mean opinion, and who
used to tease and worry him by teaching him French, and telling tales
of him to his mamma, when he was a schoolboy home for the holidays.
Whereas, between the baronet and Miss Fanny there seemed to be the
closest affection: they walked together every morning to the waters;
they joked and laughed with each other as happily as possible. Fanny was
almost ready to tell fibs to screen her brother's malpractices from her
mamma: she cried when she heard of his mishaps, and that he had lost too
much money at the green table; and when Sir Thomas went away, the good
little soul brought him five louis; which was all the money she had:
for you see she paid her mother handsomely for her board; and when her
little gloves and milliner's bills were settled how much was there left
out of two hundred a year? And she cried when she heard that Hicks had
lent Sir Thomas money, and went up and said, "Thank you, Captain Hicks;"
and shook hands with the captain so eagerly, that I thought he was
a lucky fellow, who had a father a wealthy attorney in Bedford Row.
Heighho! I saw how matters were going. The birds MUST sing in the
spring-time, and the flowers bud.

Mrs. Milliken, in her character of invalid, took the advantage of her
situation to have her husband constantly about her, reading to her, or
fetching the doctor to her, or watching her whilst she was dozing, and
so forth; and Lady Kicklebury found the life which this pair led rather
more monotonous than that sort of existence which she liked, and would
leave them alone with Fanny (Captain Hicks not uncommonly coming in to
take tea with the three), whilst her ladyship went to the Redoute to
hear the music, or read the papers, or play a game of whist there.

The newspaper-room at Noirbourg is next to the roulette-room, into which
the doors are always open; and Lady K. would come, with newspaper in
hand, into this play-room, sometimes, and look on at the gamesters.
I have mentioned a little Russian boy, a little imp with the most
mischievous intelligence and good humor in his face, who was suffered by
his parents to play as much as he chose, and who pulled bonbons out of
one pocket and Napoleons out of the other, and seemed to have quite a
diabolical luck at the table.

Lady Kicklebury's terror and interest at seeing this boy were extreme.
She watched him and watched him, and he seemed always to win; and at
last her ladyship put down just a florin--only just one florin--on one
of the numbers at roulette which the little Russian imp was backing.
Number twenty-seven came up, and the croupiers flung over three gold
pieces and five florins to Lady Kicklebury, which she raked up with a
trembling hand.

She did not play any more that night, but sat in the playroom,
pretending to read the Times newspaper; but you could see her eye
peering over the sheet, and always fixed on the little imp of a Russian.
He had very good luck that night, and his winning made her very savage.
As he retired, rolling his gold pieces into his pocket and sucking his
barley-sugar, she glared after him with angry eyes; and went home, and
scolded everybody, and had no sleep. I could hear her scolding. Our
apartments in the Tissisch House overlooked Lady Kicklebury's suite of
rooms: the great windows were open in the autumn. Yes; I could hear her
scolding, and see some other people sitting whispering in the embrasure,
or looking out on the harvest moon.

The next evening, Lady Kicklebury shirked away from the concert; and I
saw her in the play-room again, going round and round the table; and,
lying in ambush behind the Journal des Debats, I marked how, after
looking stealthily round, my lady whipped a piece of money under the
croupier's elbow, and (there having been no coin there previously) I saw
a florin on the Zero.

She lost that, and walked away. Then she came back and put down two
florins on a number, and lost again, and became very red and angry; then
she retreated, and came back a third time, and a seat being vacated by a
player, Lady Kicklebury sat down at the verdant board. Ah me! She had
a pretty good evening, and carried off a little money again that night.
The next day was Sunday: she gave two florins at the collection at
church, to Fanny's surprise at mamma's liberality. On this night of
course there was no play. Her ladyship wrote letters, and read a sermon.

But the next night she was back at the table; and won very plentifully,
until the little Russian sprite made his appearance, when it seemed that
her luck changed. She began to bet upon him, and the young Calmuck lost
too. Her ladyship's temper went along with her money: first she backed
the Calmuck, and then she played against him. When she played against
him, his luck turned; and he began straightway to win. She put on more
and more money as she lost: her winnings went: gold came out of secret
pockets. She had but a florin left at last, and tried it on a number,
and failed. She got up to go away. I watched her, and I watched Mr.
Justice Aeacus, too, who put down a Napoleon when he thought nobody was
looking.

The next day my Lady Kicklebury walked over to the money-changers, where
she changed a couple of circular notes. She was at the table that night
again: and the next night, and the next night, and the next.

By about the fifth day she was like a wild woman. She scolded so, that
Hirsch, the courier, said he should retire from monsieur's service, as
he was not hired by Lady Kicklebury: that Bowman gave warning, and told
another footman in the building that he wouldn't stand the old cat no
longer, blow him if he would: that the maid (who was a Kicklebury girl)
and Fanny cried: and that Mrs. Milliken's maid, Finch, complained to
her mistress, who ordered her husband to remonstrate with her mother.
Milliken remonstrated with his usual mildness, and, of course, was
routed by her ladyship. Mrs. Milliken said, "Give me the daggers," and
came to her husband's rescue. A battle royal ensued; the scared Milliken
hanging about his blessed Lavinia, and entreating and imploring her to
be calm. Mrs. Milliken WAS calm. She asserted her dignity as mistress
of her own family: as controller of her own household, as wife of her
adored husband; and she told her mamma, that with her or here she must
not interfere; that she knew her duty as a child: but that she also knew
it as a wife, as a-- The rest of the sentence was drowned, as Milliken,
rushing to her, called her his soul's angel, his adored blessing.

Lady Kicklebury remarked that Shakspeare was very right in stating how
much sharper than a thankless tooth it is to have a serpent child.

Mrs. Milliken said, the conversation could not be carried on in this
manner: that it was best her mamma should now know, once for all, that
the way in which she assumed the command at Pigeoncot was intolerable;
that all the servants had given warning, and it was with the greatest
difficulty they could be soothed: and that, as their living together
only led to quarrels and painful recriminations (the calling her, after
her forbearance, A SERPENT CHILD, was an expression which she would hope
to forgive and forget,) they had better part.

Lady Kicklebury wears a front, and, I make no doubt, a complete jasey;
or she certainly would have let down her back hair at this minute, so
overpowering were her feelings, and so bitter her indignation at her
daughter's black ingratitude. She intimated some of her sentiments, by
ejaculatory conjurations of evil. She hoped her daughter might NOT feel
what ingratitude was; that SHE might never have children to turn on her
and bring her to the grave with grief.

"Bring me to the grave with fiddlestick!" Mrs. Milliken said with some
asperity. "And, as we are going to part, mamma, and as Horace has paid
EVERYTHING on the journey as yet, and we have only brought a VERY few
circular notes with us, perhaps you will have the kindness to give him
your share of the travelling expenses--for you, for Fanny, and your
two servants whom you WOULD bring with you: and the man has only been a
perfect hindrance and great useless log, and our courier has had to do
EVERYTHING. Your share is now eighty-two pounds."

Lady Kicklebury at this gave three screams, so loud that even the
resolute Lavinia stopped in her speech. Her ladyship looked wildly:
"Lavinia! Horace! Fanny my child," she said, "come here, and listen to
your mother's shame."

"What?" cried Horace, aghast.

"I am ruined! I am a beggar! Yes; a beggar. I have lost all--all at
yonder dreadful table."

"How do you mean all? How much is all?" asked Horace.

"All the money I brought with me, Horace. I intended to have paid
the whole expenses of the journey: yours, this ungrateful
child's--everything. But, a week ago, having seen a lovely baby's lace
dress at the lace-shop; and--and--won enough at wh--wh--whoo--ist to
pay for it, all but two--two florins--in an evil moment I went to the
roulette-table--and lost--every shilling: and now, on may knees before
you, I confess my shame."

I am not a tragic painter, and certainly won't attempt to depict THIS
harrowing scene. But what could she mean by saying she wished to pay
everything? She had but two twenty-pound notes: and how she was to
have paid all the expenses of the tour with that small sum, I cannot
conjecture.

The confession, however, had the effect of mollifying poor Milliken and
his wife: after the latter had learned that her mamma had no money at
all at her London bankers', and had overdrawn her account there,
Lavinia consented that Horace should advance her fifty pounds upon her
ladyship's solemn promise of repayment.

And now it was agreed that this highly respectable lady should return
to England, quick as she might: somewhat sooner than all the rest of the
public did; and leave Mr. and Mrs. Horace Milliken behind her, as the
waters were still considered highly salutary to that most interesting
invalid. And to England Lady Kicklebury went; taking advantage of
Lord Talboys' return thither to place herself under his lordship's
protection; as if the enormous Bowman was not protector sufficient for
her ladyship; and as if Captain Hicks would have allowed any mortal man,
any German student, any French tourist, any Prussian whiskerando, to do
a harm to Miss Fanny! For though Hicks is not a brilliant or poetical
genius, I am bound to say that the fellow has good sense, good manners,
and a good heart; and with these qualities, a competent sum of money,
and a pair of exceedingly handsome moustaches, perhaps the poor little
Mrs. Launcelot Hicks may be happy.


No accident befell Lady Kicklebury on her voyage homewards: but she got
one more lesson at Aix-la-Chapelle, which may serve to make her ladyship
more cautious for the future: for, seeing Madame la Princesse de Mogador
enter into a carriage on the railway, into which Lord Talboys followed,
nothing would content Lady Kicklebury but to rush into the carriage
after this noble pair; and the vehicle turned out to be what is called
on the German lines, and what I wish were established in England, the
Rauch Coupe. Having seated himself in this vehicle, and looked rather
sulkily at my lady, Lord Talboys began to smoke: which, as the son of
an English earl, heir to many thousands per annum, Lady Kicklebury
permitted him to do. And she introduced herself to Madame la Princesse
de Mogador, mentioning to her highness that she had the pleasure of
meeting Madame la Princesse at Rougetnoirbourg; that she, Lady K., was
the mother of the Chevalier de Kicklebury, who had the advantage of
the acquaintance of Madame la Princesse; and that she hoped Madame la
Princesse had enjoyed her stay at the waters. To these advances
the Princess of Mogador returned a gracious and affable salutation,
exchanging glances of peculiar meaning with two highly respectable
bearded gentlemen who travelled in her suite; and, when asked by milady
whereabouts her highness's residence was at Paris, said that her hotel
was in the Rue Notre Dame de Lorette: where Lady Kicklebury hoped to
have the honor of waiting upon Madame la Princesse de Mogador.

But when one of the bearded gentlemen called the princess by the
familiar name of Fifine, and the other said, "Veux-tu fumer, Mogador?"
and the princess actually took a cigar and began to smoke, Lady
Kicklebury was aghast, and trembled; and presently Lord Talboys burst
into a loud fit of laughter.

"What is the cause of your lordship's amusement?" asked the dowager,
looking very much frightened, and blushing like a maiden of sixteen.

"Excuse me, Lady Kicklebury, but I can't help it," he said. "You've
been talking to your opposite neighbor--she don't understand a word
of English--and calling her princess and highness, and she's no more
a princess than you or I. She is a little milliner in the street she
mentioned, and she dances at Mabille and Chateau Rouge."

Hearing these two familiar names, the princess looked hard at Lord
Talboys, but he never lost countenance; and at the next station Lady
Kicklebury rushed out of the smoking-carriage and returned to her own
place; where, I dare say, Captain Hicks and Miss Fanny were delighted
once more to have the advantage of her company and conversation. And so
they went back to England, and the Kickleburys were no longer seen on
the Rhine. If her ladyship is not cured of hunting after great people,
it will not be for want of warning: but which of us in life has not had
many warnings: and is it for lack of them that we stick to our little
failings still?


When the Kickleburys were gone, that merry little Rougetnoirbourg did
not seem the same place to me, somehow. The sun shone still, but the
wind came down cold from the purple hills; the band played, but their
tunes were stale; the promenaders paced the alleys, but I knew all their
faces: as I looked out of my windows in the Tissisch house upon the
great blank casements lately occupied by the Kickleburys, and remembered
what a pretty face I had seen looking thence but a few days back, I
cared not to look any longer; and though Mrs. Milliken did invite me to
tea, and talked fine arts and poetry over the meal, both the beverage
and the conversation seemed very weak and insipid to me, and I fell
asleep once in my chair opposite that highly cultivated being. "Let us
go back, Lankin," said I to the Serjeant, and he was nothing loth;
for most of the other serjeants, barristers, and Queen's counsel were
turning homewards, by this time, the period of term time summoning them
all to the Temple.


So we went straight one day to Biberich on the Rhine, and found the
little town full of Britons, all trooping home like ourselves. Everybody
comes, and everybody goes away again, at about the same time. The
Rhine innkeepers say that their customers cease with a single day
almost:--that in three days they shall have ninety, eighty, a hundred
guests; on the fourth, ten or eight. We do as our neighbors do. Though
we don't speak to each other much when we are out a-pleasuring, we take
our holiday in common, and go back to our work in gangs. Little Biberich
was so full, that Lankin and I could not get rooms at the large inns
frequented by other persons of fashion, and could only procure a room
between us, "at the German House, where you find English comfort," says
the advertisement, "with German prices."

But oh, the English comfort of those beds! How did Lankin manage in
his, with his great long legs? How did I toss and tumble in mine; which,
small as it was, I was not destined to enjoy alone, but to pass the
night in company with anthropophagous wretched reptiles, who took their
horrid meal off an English Christian! I thought the morning would never
come; and when the tardy dawn at length arrived, and as I was in my
first sleep, dreaming of Miss Fanny, behold I was wakened up by the
Serjeant, already dressed and shaven, and who said, "Rise, Titmarsh,
the steamer will be here in three-quarters of an hour." And the modest
gentleman retired, and left me to dress.


The next morning we had passed by the rocks and towers, the old familiar
landscapes, the gleaming towns by the riverside, and the green vineyards
combed along the hills, and when I woke up, it was at a great hotel at
Cologne, and it was not sunrise yet.

Deutz lay opposite, and over Deutz the dusky sky was reddened. The hills
were veiled in the mist and the gray. The gray river flowed underneath
us; the steamers were roosting along the quays, a light keeping watch in
the cabins here and there, and its reflections quivering in the water.
As I look, the sky-line towards the east grows redder and redder. A long
troop of gray horsemen winds down the river road, and passes over the
bridge of boats. You might take them for ghosts, those gray horsemen,
so shadowy do they look; but you hear the trample of their hoofs as
they pass over the planks. Every minute the dawn twinkles up into the
twilight; and over Deutz the heaven blushes brighter. The quays begin
to fill with men: the carts begin to creak and rattle, and wake the
sleeping echoes. Ding, ding, ding, the steamers' bells begin to ring:
the people on board to stir and wake: the lights may be extinguished,
and take their turn of sleep: the active boats shake themselves, and
push out into the river: the great bridge opens, and gives them passage:
the church bells of the city begin to clink: the cavalry trumpets blow
from the opposite bank: the sailor is at the wheel, the porter at his
burden, the soldier at his musket, and the priest at his prayers. . . .

And lo! in a flash of crimson splendor, with blazing scarlet clouds
running before his chariot, and heralding his majestic approach, God's
sun rises upon the world, and all nature wakens and brightens.

O glorious spectacle of light and life! O beatific symbol of Power,
Love, Joy, Beauty! Let us look at thee with humble wonder, and
thankfully acknowledge and adore. What gracious forethought is it--what
generous and loving provision, that deigns to prepare for our eyes and
to soothe our hearts with such a splendid morning festival! For these
magnificent bounties of heaven to us, let us be thankful, even that we
can feel thankful--(for thanks surely is the noblest effort, as it is
the greatest delight, of the gentle soul)--and so, a grace for this
feast, let all say who partake of it.

See! the mist clears off Drachenfels, and it looks out from the
distance, and bids us a friendly farewell. Farewell to holiday and
sunshine; farewell to kindly sport and pleasant leisure! Let us say
good-by to the Rhine, friend. Fogs, and cares, and labor are awaiting
us by the Thames; and a kind face or two looking out for us to cheer and
bid us welcome.




THE ROSE AND THE RING:

A FIRE-SIDE PANTOMIME FOR GREAT AND SMALL CHILDREN.


BY MR. M. A. TITMARSH



PRELUDE


It happened that the undersigned spent the last Christmas season in a
foreign city where there were many English children.

In that city, if you wanted to give a child's party, you could not even
get a magic-lantern or buy Twelfth-Night characters--those funny painted
pictures of the King, the Queen, the Lover, the Lady, the Dandy, the
Captain, and so on--with which our young ones are wont to recreate
themselves at this festive time.

My friend Miss Bunch, who was governess of a large family that lived in
the Piano Nobile of the house inhabited by myself and my young charges
(it was the Palazzo Poniatowski at Rome, and Messrs. Spillmann, two
of the best pastry-cooks in Christendom, have their shop on the ground
floor): Miss Bunch, I say, begged me to draw a set of Twelfth-Night
characters for the amusement of our young people.

She is a lady of great fancy and droll imagination, and having looked
at the characters, she and I composed a history about them, which
was recited to the little folks at night, and served as our FIRE-SIDE
PANTOMIME.

Our juvenile audience was amused by the adventures of Giglio and Bulbo,
Rosalba and Angelica. I am bound to say the fate of the Hall Porter
created a considerable sensation; and the wrath of Countess Gruffanuff
was received with extreme pleasure.

If these children are pleased, thought I, why should not others be
amused also? In a few days Dr. Birch's young friends will be expected
to reassemble at Rodwell Regis, where they will learn everything that
is useful, and under the eyes of careful ushers continue the business of
their little lives.

But, in the meanwhile, and for a brief holiday, let us laugh and be as
pleasant as we can. And you elder folk--a little joking, and dancing,
and fooling will do even you no harm. The author wishes you a merry
Christmas, and welcomes you to the Fire-side Pantomime.

M. A. TITMARSH.

December 1854.



THE ROSE AND THE RING


I. SHOWS HOW THE ROYAL FAMILY SAT DOWN TO BREAKFAST


This is Valoroso XXIV., King of Paflagonia, seated with his Queen and
only child at their royal breakfast-table, and receiving the letter
which announces to his Majesty a proposed visit from Prince Bulbo, heir
of Padella, reigning King of Crim Tartary. Remark the delight upon the
monarch's royal features. He is so absorbed in the perusal of the King
of Crim Tartary's letter, that he allows his eggs to get cold, and
leaves his august muffins untasted.

"What! that wicked, brave, delightful Prince Bulbo!" cries Princess
Angelica; "so handsome, so accomplished, so witty--the conqueror of
Rimbombamento, where he slew ten thousand giants!"

"Who told you of him, my dear?" asks his Majesty.

"A little bird," says Angelica.

"Poor Giglio!" says mamma, pouring out the tea.

"Bother Giglio!" cries Angelica, tossing up her head, which rustled with
a thousand curl-papers.

"I wish," growls the King--"I wish Giglio was. . ."

"Was better? Yes, dear, he is better," says the Queen. "Angelica's
little maid, Betsinda, told me so when she came to my room this morning
with my early tea."

"You are always drinking tea," said the monarch, with a scowl.

"It is better than drinking port or brandy-and-water," replies her
Majesty.

"Well, well, my dear, I only said you were fond of drinking tea," said
the King of Paflagonia, with an effort as if to command his temper.
"Angelica! I hope you have plenty of new dresses; your milliners' bills
are long enough. My dear Queen, you must see and have some parties. I
prefer dinners, but of course you will be for balls. Your everlasting
blue velvet quite tires me: and, my love, I should like you to have a
new necklace. Order one. Not more than a hundred or a hundred and fifty
thousand pounds."

"And Giglio, dear?" says the Queen.

"GIGLIO MAY GO TO THE ----"

"Oh, sir!" screams her Majesty. "Your own nephew! our late King's only
son."

"Giglio may go to the tailor's, and order the bills to be sent in to
Glumboso to pay. Confound him! I mean bless his dear heart. He need want
for nothing; give him a couple of guineas for pocket-money, my dear;
and you may as well order yourself bracelets while you are about the
necklace, Mrs. V."

Her Majesty, or MRS. V., as the monarch facetiously called her (for
even royalty will have its sport, and this august family were very
much attached), embraced her husband, and, twining her arm round her
daughter's waist, they quitted the breakfast-room in order to make all
things ready for the princely stranger.

When they were gone, the smile that had lighted up the eyes of the
HUSBAND and FATHER fled--the pride of the KING fled--the MAN was alone.
Had I the pen of a G. P. R. James, I would describe Valoroso's torments
in the choicest language; in which I would also depict his flashing
eye, his distended nostril--his dressing-gown, pocket-handkerchief, and
boots. But I need not say I have NOT the pen of that novelist; suffice
it to say, Valoroso was alone.

He rushed to the cupboard, seizing from the table one of the many
egg-cups with which his princely board was served for the matin meal,
drew out a bottle of right Nantz or Cognac, filled and emptied the cup
several times, and laid it down with a hoarse "Ha, ha, ha! now Valoroso
is a man again!"

"But oh!" he went on (still sipping, I am sorry to say), "ere I was a
king, I needed not this intoxicating draught; once I detested the hot
brandy wine, and quaffed no other fount but nature's rill. It dashes not
more quickly o'er the rocks than I did, as, with blunderbuss in hand,
I brushed away the early morning dew, and shot the partridge, snipe, or
antlered deer! Ah! well may England's dramatist remark, 'Uneasy lies
the head that wears a crown!' Why did I steal my nephew's, my young
Giglio's--? Steal! said I? no, no, no, not steal, not steal. Let me
withdraw that odious expression. I took, and on my manly head I set, the
royal crown of Paflagonia; I took, and with my royal arm I wield, the
sceptral rod of Paflagonia; I took, and in my outstretched hand I hold,
the royal orb of Paflagonia! Could a poor boy, a snivelling, drivelling
boy--was in his nurse's arms but yesterday, and cried for sugarplums and
puled for pap--bear up the awful weight of crown, orb, sceptre? gird
on the sword my royal fathers wore, and meet in fight the tough Crimean
foe?"

And then the monarch went on to argue in his own mind (though we need
not say that blank verse is not argument) that what he had got it was
his duty to keep, and that, if at one time he had entertained ideas of a
certain restitution, which shall be nameless, the prospect by a CERTAIN
MARRIAGE of uniting two crowns and two nations which had been engaged
in bloody and expensive wars, as the Paflagonians and the Crimeans had
been, put the idea of Giglio's restoration to the throne out of the
question: nay, were his own brother, King Savio, alive, he would
certainly will the crown from his own son in order to bring about such a
desirable union.

Thus easily do we deceive ourselves! Thus do we fancy what we wish is
right! The King took courage, read the papers, finished his muffins
and eggs, and rang the bell for his Prime Minister. The Queen, after
thinking whether she should go up and see Giglio, who had been sick,
thought, "Not now. Business first; pleasure afterwards. I will go and
see dear Giglio this afternoon; and now I will drive to the jeweller's,
to look for the necklace and bracelets." The Princess went up into her
own room, and made Betsinda, her maid, bring out all her dresses; and
as for Giglio, they forgot him as much as I forget what I had for dinner
last Tuesday twelve-month.


II. HOW KING VALOROSO GOT THE CROWN, AND PRINCE GIGLIO WENT WITHOUT.


Paflagonia, ten or twenty thousand years ago, appears to have been one
of those kingdoms where the laws of succession were not settled; for
when King Savio died, leaving his brother Regent of the kingdom, and
guardian of Savio's orphan infant, this unfaithful regent took no sort
of regard of the late monarch's will; had himself proclaimed sovereign
of Paflagonia under the title of King Valoroso XXIV., had a most
splendid coronation, and ordered all the nobles of the kingdom to pay
him homage. So long as Valoroso gave them plenty of balls at Court,
plenty of money and lucrative places, the Paflagonian nobility did not
care who was king; and as for the people, in those early times, they
were equally indifferent. The Prince Giglio, by reason of his tender
age at his royal father's death, did not feel the loss of his crown and
empire. As long as he had plenty of toys and sweetmeats, a holiday
five times a week and a horse and gun to go out shooting when he grew
a little older, and, above all, the company of his darling cousin, the
King's only child, poor Giglio was perfectly contented; nor did he
envy his uncle the royal robes and sceptre, the great hot uncomfortable
throne of state, and the enormous cumbersome crown in which that monarch
appeared from morning till night. King Valoroso's portrait has been
left to us; and I think you will agree with me that he must have been
sometimes RATHER TIRED of his velvet, and his diamonds, and his ermine,
and his grandeur. I shouldn't like to sit in that stifling robe with
such a thing as that on my head.

No doubt, the Queen must have been lovely in her youth; for though
she grew rather stout in after life, yet her features, as shown in her
portrait, are certainly PLEASING. If she was fond of flattery, scandal,
cards, and fine clothes, let us deal gently with her infirmities, which,
after all, may be no greater than our own. She was kind to her nephew;
and if she had any scruples of conscience about her husband's taking the
young Prince's crown, consoled herself by thinking that the King, though
a usurper, was a most respectable man, and that at his death Prince
Giglio would be restored to his throne, and share it with his cousin,
whom he loved so fondly.

The Prime Minister was Glumboso, an old statesman, who most cheerfully
swore fidelity to King Valoroso, and in whose hands the monarch left
all the affairs of his kingdom. All Valoroso wanted was plenty of
money, plenty of hunting, plenty of flattery, and as little trouble as
possible. As long as he had his sport, this monarch cared little how
his people paid for it: he engaged in some wars, and of course
the Paflagonian newspapers announced that he had gained prodigious
victories: he had statues erected to himself in every city of the
empire; and of course his pictures placed everywhere, and in all the
print-shops: he was Valoroso the Magnanimous, Valoroso the Victorious,
Valoroso the Great, and so forth;--for even in these early times
courtiers and people knew how to flatter.

This royal pair had one only child, the Princess Angelica, who, you may
be sure, was a paragon in the courtiers' eyes, in her parents', and in
her own. It was said she had the longest hair, the largest eyes, the
slimmest waist, the smallest foot, and the most lovely complexion of
any young lady in the Paflagonian dominions. Her accomplishments were
announced to be even superior to her beauty; and governesses used to
shame their idle pupils by telling them what Princess Angelica could do.
She could play the most difficult pieces of music at sight. She could
answer any one of "Mangnall's Questions." She knew every date in
the history of Paflagonia, and every other country. She knew French,
English, Italian, German, Spanish, Hebrew, Greek, Latin, Cappadocian,
Samothracian, Aegean, and Crim Tartar. In a word, she was a most
accomplished young creature; and her governess and lady-in-waiting was
the severe Countess Gruffanuff.

Would you not fancy, from this picture, that Gruffanuff must have been a
person of highest birth? She looks so haughty that I should have thought
her a princess at the very least, with a pedigree reaching as far back
as the Deluge. But this lady was no better born than many other ladies
who give themselves airs; and all sensible people laughed at her absurd
pretensions. The fact is, she had been maid-servant to the Queen when
her Majesty was only Princess, and her husband had been head footman;
but after his death or DISAPPEARANCE, of which you shall hear presently,
this Mrs. Gruffanuff, by flattering, toadying, and wheedling her royal
mistress, became a favorite with the Queen (who was rather a weak
woman), and her Majesty gave her a title, and made her nursery governess
to the Princess.

And now I must tell you about the Princess's learning and
accomplishments, for which she had such a wonderful character. Clever
Angelica certainly was, but as IDLE AS POSSIBLE. Play at sight, indeed!
she could play one or two pieces, and pretend that she had never seen
them before; she could answer half a dozen "Mangnall's Questions;" but
then you must take care to ask the RIGHT ones. As for her languages,
she had masters in plenty, but I doubt whether she knew more than a few
phrases in each, for all her presence; and as for her embroidery and her
drawing, she showed beautiful specimens, it is true, but WHO DID THEM?

This obliges me to tell the truth, and to do so I must go back ever so
far, and tell you about the FAIRY BLACKSTICK.


III. TELLS WHO THE FAIRY BLACKSTICK WAS, AND WHO WERE EVER SO MANY GRAND
PERSONAGES BESIDES.


Between the kingdoms of Paflagonia and Crim Tartary, there lived a
mysterious personage, who was known in those countries as the Fairy
Blackstick, from the ebony wand or crutch which she carried; on which
she rode to the moon sometimes, or upon other excursions of business or
pleasure, and with which she performed her wonders. When she was young,
and had been first taught the art of conjuring by the necromancer, her
father, she was always practicing her skill, whizzing about from one
kingdom to another upon her black stick, and conferring her fairy favors
upon this Prince or that. She had scores of royal godchildren; turned
numberless wicked people into beasts, birds, millstones, clocks, pumps,
boot jacks, umbrellas, or other absurd shapes; and, in a word, was one
of the most active and officious of the whole college of fairies.

But after two or three thousand years of this sport, I suppose
Blackstick grew tired of it. Or perhaps she thought, "What good am I
doing by sending this Princess to sleep for a hundred years? by fixing a
black pudding on to that booby's nose? by causing diamonds and pearls to
drop from one little girl's mouth, and vipers and toads from another's?
I begin to think I do as much harm as good by my performances. I might
as well shut my incantations up, and allow things to take their natural
course.

"There were my two young goddaughters, King Savio's wife, and Duke
Padella's wife: I gave them each a present, which was to render them
charming in the eyes of their husbands, and secure the affection of
those gentlemen as long as they lived. What good did my Rose and my Ring
do these two women? None on earth. From having all their whims indulged
by their husbands, they became capricious, lazy, ill-humored, absurdly
vain, and leered and languished, and fancied themselves irresistibly
beautiful, when they were really quite old and hideous, the ridiculous
creatures! They used actually to patronise me when I went to pay them
a visit--ME, the Fairy Blackstick, who knows all the wisdom of the
necromancers, and could have turned them into baboons, and all their
diamonds into strings of onions, by a single wave of my rod!" So
she locked up her books in her cupboard, declined further magical
performances, and scarcely used her wand at all except as a cane to walk
about with.

So when Duke Padella's lady had a little son (the Duke was at that
time only one of the principal noblemen in Crim Tartary), Blackstick,
although invited to the christening, would not so much as attend; but
merely sent her compliments and a silver papboat for the baby, which was
really not worth a couple of guineas. About the same time the Queen
of Paflagonia presented his Majesty with a son and heir; and guns
were fired, the capital illuminated, and no end of feasts ordained to
celebrate the young Prince's birth. It was thought the fairy, who was
asked to be his godmother, would at least have presented him with an
invisible jacket, a flying horse, a Fortunatus's purse, or some other
valuable token of her favor; but instead, Blackstick went up to
the cradle of the child Giglio, when everybody was admiring him and
complimenting his royal papa and mamma, and said, "My poor child, the
best thing I can send you is a little MISFORTUNE;" and this was all
she would utter, to the disgust of Giglio's parents, who died very soon
after, when Giglio's uncle took the throne, as we read in Chapter I.

In like manner, when CAVOLFIORE, King of Crim Tartary, had a christening
of his only child, ROSALBA, the Fairy Blackstick, who had been invited,
was not more gracious than in Prince Giglio's case. Whilst everybody was
expatiating over the beauty of the darling child, and congratulating
its parents, the Fairy Blackstick looked very sadly at the baby and its
mother, and said, "My good woman (for the Fairy was very familiar, and
no more minded a Queen than a washerwoman)--my good woman, these people
who are following you will be the first to turn against you; and as for
this little lady, the best thing I can wish her is a LITTLE MISFORTUNE."
So she touched Rosalba with her black wand, looked severely at the
courtiers, motioned the Queen an adieu with her hand, and sailed slowly
up into the air out of the window.

When she was gone, the Court people, who had been awed and silent in her
presence, began to speak. "What an odious Fairy she is" (they said)--"a
pretty Fairy, indeed! Why, she went to the King of Paflagonia's
christening, and pretended to do all sorts of things for that family;
and what has happened--the Prince, her godson, has been turned off his
throne by his uncle. Would we allow our sweet Princess to be deprived of
her rights by any enemy? Never, never, never, never!"

And they all shouted in a chorus, "Never, never, never, never!"

Now, I should like to know, and how did these fine courtiers show
their fidelity? One of King Cavolfiore's vassals, the Duke Padella
just mentioned, rebelled against the King, who went out to chastise
his rebellious subject. "Any one rebel against our beloved and august
Monarch!" cried the courtiers; "any one resist HIM? Pooh! He is
invincible, irresistible. He will bring home Padella a prisoner, and tie
him to a donkey's tail, and drive him round the town, saying, 'This is
the way the Great Cavolfiore treats rebels.'"

The King went forth to vanquish Padella; and the poor Queen, who was a
very timid, anxious creature, grew so frightened and ill that I am sorry
to say she died; leaving injunctions with her ladies to take care of
the dear little Rosalba. Of course they said they would. Of course they
vowed they would die rather than any harm should happen to the Princess.
At first the Crim Tartar Court Journal stated that the King was
obtaining great victories over the audacious rebel: then it was
announced that the troops of the infamous Padella were in flight: then
it was said that the royal army would soon come up with the enemy, and
then--then the news came that King Cavolfiore was vanquished and slain
by his Majesty, King Padella the First!

At this news, half the courtiers ran off to pay their duty to the
conquering chief, and the other half ran away, laying hands on all the
best articles in the palace; and poor little Rosalba was left there
quite alone--quite alone: she toddled from one room to another, crying,
"Countess! Duchess!" (only she said "Tountess, Duttess," not being
able to speak plain) "bring me my mutton-sop; my Royal Highness hungy!
Tountess! Duttess!" And she went from the private apartments into the
throne-room and nobody was there;--and thence into the ballroom and
nobody was there;--and thence into the pages' room and nobody was
there;--and she toddled down the great staircase into the hall and
nobody was there;--and the door was open, and she went into the court,
and into the garden, and thence into the wilderness, and thence into the
forest where the wild beasts live, and was never heard of any more!

A piece of her torn mantle and one of her shoes were found in the wood
in the mouths of two lionesses' cubs whom KING PADELLA and a royal
hunting party shot--for he was King now, and reigned over Crim Tartary.
"So the poor little Princess is done for," said he; "well, what's done
can't be helped. Gentlemen, let us go to luncheon!" And one of the
courtiers took up the shoe and put it in his pocket. And there was an
end of Rosalba!


IV. HOW BLACKSTICK WAS NOT ASKED TO THE PRINCESS ANGELICA'S CHRISTENING.


When the Princess Angelica was born, her parents not only did not ask
the Fairy Blackstick to the christening party, but gave orders to their
porter absolutely to refuse her if she called. This porter's name
was Gruffanuff, and he had been selected for the post by their Royal
Highnesses because he was a very tall fierce man, who could say "Not
at home" to a tradesman or an unwelcome visitor with a rudeness which
frightened most such persons away. He was the husband of that Countess
whose picture we have just seen, and as long as they were together they
quarrelled from morning till night. Now this fellow tried his rudeness
once too often, as you shall hear. For the Fairy Blackstick coming to
call upon the Prince and Princess, who were actually sitting at the open
drawing-room window, Gruffanuff not only denied them, but made the most
ODIOUS VULGAR SIGN as he was going to slam the door in the Fairy's face!
"Git away, hold Blackstick!" said he. "I tell you, Master and Missis
ain't at home to you;" and he was, as we have said, GOING to slam the
door.

But the Fairy, with her wand, prevented the door being shut; and
Gruffanuff came out again in a fury, swearing in the most abominable
way, and asking the Fairy "whether she thought he was a-going to stay at
that there door hall day?"

"You ARE going to stay at that door all day and all night, and for many
a long year," the Fairy said, very majestically; and Gruffanuff, coming
out of the door, straddling before it with his great calves, burst out
laughing, and cried, "Ha, ha, ha! this IS a good un! Ha--ah--what's
this? Let me down--oh--o--h'm!" and then he was dumb!

For, as the Fairy waved her wand over him, he felt himself rising off
the ground, and fluttering up against the door, and then, as if a screw
ran into his stomach, he felt a dreadful pain there, and was pinned to
the door; and then his arms flew up over his head; and his legs, after
writhing about wildly, twisted under his body; and he felt cold,
cold, growing over him, as if he was turning into metal; and he said,
"Oh--o--h'm!" and could say no more, because he was dumb.

He WAS turned into metal! He was, from being BRAZEN, BRASS! He was
neither more nor less than a knocker! And there he was, nailed to the
door in the blazing summer day, till he burned almost red-hot; and there
he was, nailed to the door all the bitter winter nights, till his brass
nose was dropping with icicles. And the postman came and rapped at him,
and the vulgarest boy with a letter came and hit him up against the
door. And the King and Queen (Princess and Prince they were then) coming
home from a walk that evening, the King said, "Hullo, my dear! you have
had a new knocker put on the door. Why, it's rather like our porter in
the face! What has become of that boozy vagabond?" And the housemaid
came and scrubbed his nose with sand-paper; and once, when the Princess
Angelica's little sister was born, he was tied up in an old kid-glove;
and, another night, some LARKING young men tried to wrench him off, and
put him to the most excruciating agony with a turn screw. And then
the Queen had a fancy to have the color of the door altered; and the
painters dabbed him over the mouth and eyes, and nearly choked him, as
they painted him pea-green. I warrant he had leisure to repent of having
been rude to the Fairy Blackstick!


As for his wife, she did not miss him; and as he was always guzzling
beer at the public-house, and notoriously quarrelling with his wife, and
in debt to the tradesmen, it was supposed he had run away from all these
evils, and emigrated to Australia or America. And when the Prince and
Princess chose to become King and Queen, they left their old house, and
nobody thought of the porter any more.


V. HOW PRINCESS ANGELICA TOOK A LITTLE MAID.


One day, when the Princess Angelica was quite a little girl, she
was walking in the garden of the palace, with Mrs. Gruffanuff, the
governess, holding a parasol over her head, to keep her sweet complexion
from the freckles, and Angelica was carrying a bun, to feed the swans
and ducks in the royal pond.

They had not reached the duck-pond, when there came toddling up to them
such a funny little girl! She had a great quantity of hair blowing about
her chubby little cheeks, and looked as if she had not been washed or
combed for ever so long. She wore a ragged bit of a cloak, and had only
one shoe on.

"You little wretch, who let you in here?" asked Mrs. Gruffanuff.

"Div me dat bun," said the little girl, "me vely hungy."

"Hungry! what is that?" asked Princess Angelica, and gave the child the
bun.

"Oh, Princess!" says Mrs. Gruffanuff, "how good, how kind, how truly
angelical you are! See, Your Majesties," she said to the King and Queen,
who now came up, along with their nephew, Prince Giglio, "how kind the
Princess is! She met this little dirty wretch in the garden--I can't
tell how she came in here, or why the guards did not shoot her dead at
the gate!--and the dear darling of a Princess has given her the whole of
her bun!"

"I didn't want it," said Angelica.

"But you are a darling little angel all the same," says the governess.

"Yes; I know I am," said Angelica. "Dirty little girl, don't you think
I am very pretty?" Indeed, she had on the finest of little dresses and
hats; and, as her hair was carefully curled, she really looked very
well.

"Oh, pooty, pooty!" says the little girl, capering about, laughing, and
dancing, and munching her bun; and as she ate it she began to sing, "O
what fun to have a plum bun! how I wis it never was done!" At which,
and her funny accent, Angelica, Giglio, and the King and Queen began to
laugh very merrily.

"I can dance as well as sing," says the little girl. "I can dance, and I
can sing, and I can do all sorts of ting." And she ran to a flower-bed,
and pulling a few polyanthuses, rhododendrons, and other flowers, made
herself a little wreath, and danced before the King and Queen so drolly
and prettily, that everybody was delighted.

"Who was your mother--who were your relations, little girl?" said the
Queen.

The little girl said, "Little lion was my brudder; great big lioness my
mudder; neber heard of any udder." And she capered away on her one shoe,
and everybody was exceedingly diverted.

So Angelica said to the Queen, "Mamma, my parrot flew away yesterday out
of its cage, and I don't care any more for any of my toys; and I think
this funny little dirty child will amuse me. I will take her home, and
give her some of my old frocks--"

"Oh, the generous darling!" says Mrs. Gruffanuff.

"--Which I have worn ever so many times, and am quite tired of,"
Angelica went on; "and she shall be my little maid. Will you come home
with me, little dirty girl?"

The child clapped her hands, and said, "Go home with you--yes! You pooty
Princess! Have a nice dinner, and wear a new dress!"

And they all laughed again, and took home the child to the palace,
where, when she was washed and combed, and had one of the Princess's
frocks given to her, she looked as handsome as Angelica, almost. Not
that Angelica ever thought so; for this little lady never imagined
that anybody in the world could be as pretty, as good, or as clever as
herself. In order that the little girl should not become too proud and
conceited, Mrs. Gruffanuff took her old ragged mantle and one shoe, and
put them into a glass box, with a card laid upon them, upon which was
written, "These were the old clothes in which little BETSINDA was found
when the great goodness and admirable kindness of Her Royal Highness the
Princess Angelica received this little outcast." And the date was added,
and the box locked up.

For a while little Betsinda was a great favorite with the Princess, and
she danced, and sang, and made her little rhymes, to amuse her mistress.
But then the Princess got a monkey, and afterwards a little dog, and
afterwards a doll, and did not care for Betsinda any more, who became
very melancholy and quiet, and sang no more funny songs, because nobody
cared to hear her. And then, as she grew older, she was made a little
lady's-maid to the Princess; and though she had no wages, she worked
and mended, and put Angelica's hair in papers, and was never cross when
scolded, and was always eager to please her mistress, and was always
up early and to bed late, and at hand when wanted, and in fact became
a perfect little maid. So the two girls grew up, and, when the Princess
came out, Betsinda was never tired of waiting on her; and made her
dresses better than the best milliner, and was useful in a hundred ways.
Whilst the Princess was having her masters, Betsinda would sit and watch
them; and in this way she picked up a great deal of learning; for she
was always awake, though her mistress was not, and listened to the wise
professors when Angelica was yawning or thinking of the next ball. And
when the dancing-master came, Betsinda learned along with Angelica;
and when the music-master came, she watched him, and practiced the
Princess's pieces when Angelica was away at balls and parties; and when
the drawing-master came, she took note of all he said and did; and the
same with French, Italian, and all other languages--she learned them
from the teacher who came to Angelica. When the Princess was going out
of an evening she would say, "My good Betsinda, you may as well finish
what I have begun." "Yes, miss," Betsinda would say, and sit down very
cheerful, not to FINISH what Angelica began, but to DO it.

For instance, the Princess would begin a head of a warrior, let us say,
and when it was begun it was something like this:

But when it was done, the warrior was like this:--(only handsomer still
if possible), and the Princess put her name to the drawing; and the
Court and King and Queen, and above all poor Giglio, admired the picture
of all things, and said, "Was there ever a genius like Angelica?" So,
I am sorry to say, was it with the Princess's embroidery and other
accomplishments; and Angelica actually believed that she did these
things herself, and received all the flattery of the Court as if every
word of it was true. Thus she began to think that there was no young
woman in all the world equal to herself, and that no young man was good
enough for her. As for Betsinda, as she heard none of these praises, she
was not puffed up by them, and being a most grateful, good-natured girl,
she was only too anxious to do everything which might give her mistress
pleasure. Now you begin to perceive that Angelica had faults of her own,
and was by no means such a wonder of wonders as people represented Her
Royal Highness to be.


VI. HOW PRINCE GIGLIO BEHAVED HIMSELF.


And now let us speak about Prince Giglio, the nephew of the reigning
monarch of Paflagonia. It has already been stated, in page seven, that
as long as he had a smart coat to wear, a good horse to ride, and money
in his pocket, or rather to take out of his pocket, for he was very
good-natured, my young Prince did not care for the loss of his crown and
sceptre, being a thoughtless youth, not much inclined to politics or any
kind of learning. So his tutor had a sinecure. Giglio would not
learn classics or mathematics, and the Lord Chancellor of Paflagonia,
SQUARETOSO, pulled a very long face because the Prince could not be got
to study the Paflagonian laws and constitution; but, on the other hand,
the King's gamekeepers and huntsmen found the Prince an apt pupil;
the dancing-master pronounced that he was a most elegant and assiduous
scholar; the First Lord of the Billiard Table gave the most flattering
reports of the Prince's skill; so did the Groom of the Tennis Court;
and as for the Captain of the Guard and Fencing-master, the VALIANT and
VETERAN Count KUTASOFF HEDZOFF, he avowed that since he ran the General
of Crim Tartary, the dreadful Grumbuskin, through the body, he never had
encountered so expert a swordsman as Prince Giglio.

I hope you do not imagine that there was any impropriety in the Prince
and Princess walking together in the palace garden, and because Giglio
kissed Angelica's hand in a polite manner. In the first place they are
cousins; next, the Queen is walking in the garden too (you cannot see
her, for she happens to be behind that tree), and her Majesty always
wished that Angelica and Giglio should marry: so did Giglio: so did
Angelica sometimes, for she thought her cousin very handsome, brave,
and good-natured: but then you know she was so clever and knew so many
things, and poor Giglio knew nothing, and had no conversation. When they
looked at the stars, what did Giglio know of the heavenly bodies? Once,
when on a sweet night in a balcony where they were standing, Angelica
said, "There is the Bear." "Where?" says Giglio. "Don't be afraid,
Angelica! if a dozen bears come, I will kill them rather than they shall
hurt you." "Oh, you silly creature!" says she; "you are very good, but
you are not very wise." When they looked at the flowers, Giglio was
utterly unacquainted with botany, and had never heard of Linnaeus.
When the butterflies passed, Giglio knew nothing about them, being as
ignorant of entomology as I am of algebra. So you see, Angelica, though
she liked Giglio pretty well, despised him on account of his ignorance.
I think she probably valued HER OWN LEARNING rather too much; but to
think too well of one's self is the fault of people of all ages and both
sexes. Finally, when nobody else was there, Angelica liked her cousin
well enough.

King Valoroso was very delicate in health, and withal so fond of good
dinners (which were prepared for him by his French cook Marmitonio),
that it was supposed he could not live long. Now the idea of anything
happening to the King struck the artful Prime Minister and the designing
old lady-in-waiting with terror. For, thought Glumboso and the Countess,
"when Prince Giglio marries his cousin and comes to the throne, what a
pretty position we shall be in, whom he dislikes, and who have always
been unkind to him. We shall lose our places in a trice; Mrs. Gruffanuff
will have to give up all the jewels, laces, snuff-boxes, rings, and
watches which belonged to the Queen, Giglio's mother; and Glumboso will
be forced to refund two hundred and seventeen thousand millions nine
hundred and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and thirty-nine pounds,
thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, money left to Prince Giglio
by his poor dear father."

So the Lady of Honor and the Prime Minister hated Giglio because they
had done him a wrong; and these unprincipled people invented a hundred
cruel stories about poor Giglio, in order to influence the King, Queen,
and Princess against him; how he was so ignorant that he could not spell
the commonest words, and actually wrote Valoroso Valloroso, and spelt
Angelica with two l's; how he drank a great deal too much wine at
dinner, and was always idling in the stables with the grooms; how he
owed ever so much money at the pastry-cook's and the haberdasher's; how
he used to go to sleep at church; how he was fond of playing cards with
the pages. So did the Queen like playing cards; so did the King go
to sleep at church, and eat and drink too much; and, if Giglio owed
a trifle for tarts, who owed him two hundred and seventeen thousand
millions nine hundred and eighty-seven thousand four hundred and
thirty-nine pounds, thirteen shillings, and sixpence halfpenny, I should
like to know? Detractors and tale-bearers (in my humble opinion) had
much better look at HOME. All this backbiting and slandering had effect
upon Princess Angelica, who began to look coldly on her cousin, then to
laugh at him and scorn him for being so stupid, then to sneer at him for
having vulgar associates; and at Court balls, dinners, and so forth,
to treat him so unkindly that poor Giglio became quite ill, took to his
bed, and sent for the doctor.

His Majesty King Valoroso, as we have seen, had his own reasons for
disliking his nephew; and as for those innocent readers who ask why?--I
beg (with the permission of their dear parents) to refer them to
Shakespeare's pages, where they will read why King John disliked Prince
Arthur. With the Queen, his royal but weak-minded aunt, when Giglio was
out of sight he was out of mind. While she had her whist and her evening
parties, she cared for little else.

I dare say TWO VILLAINS, who shall be nameless, wished Doctor Pildrafto,
the Court Physician, had killed Giglio right out, but he only bled
and physicked him so severely that the Prince was kept to his room for
several months, and grew as thin as a post.

Whilst he was lying sick in this way, there came to the Court of
Paflagonia a famous painter, whose name was Tomaso Lorenzo, and who was
Painter in Ordinary to the King of Crim Tartary, Paflagonia's neighbor.
Tomaso Lorenzo painted all the Court, who were delighted with his works;
for even Countess Gruffanuff looked young and Glumboso good-humored in
his pictures. "He flatters very much," some people said. "Nay!" says
Princess Angelica, "I am above flattery, and I think he did not make my
picture handsome enough. I can't bear to hear a man of genius unjustly
cried down, and I hope my dear papa will make Lorenzo a knight of his
Order of the Cucumber."

The Princess Angelica, although the courtiers vowed Her Royal Highness
could draw so BEAUTIFULLY that the idea of her taking lessons was
absurd, yet chose to have Lorenzo for a teacher, and it was wonderful,
AS LONG AS SHE PAINTED IN HIS STUDIO, what beautiful pictures she made!
Some of the performances were engraved for the "Book of Beauty:" others
were sold for enormous sums at Charity Bazaars. She wrote the
SIGNATURES under the drawings, no doubt, but I think I know who did
the pictures--this artful painter, who had come with other designs on
Angelica than merely to teach her to draw.

One day, Lorenzo showed the Princess a portrait of a young man in armor,
with fair hair and the loveliest blue eyes, and an expression at once
melancholy and interesting.

"Dear Signor Lorenzo, who is this?" asked the Princess. "I never saw
anyone so handsome," says Countess Gruffanuff (the old humbug).

"That," said the painter, "that, Madam, is the portrait of my august
young master, his Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary,
Duke of Acroceraunia, Marquis of Poluphloisboio, and Knight Grand Cross
of the Order of the Pumpkin. That is the Order of the Pumpkin glittering
on his manly breast, and received by His Royal Highness from his august
father, his Majesty King PADELLA I., for his gallantry at the battle
of Rimbombamento, when he slew with his own princely hand the King
of Ograria and two hundred and eleven giants of the two hundred and
eighteen who formed the King's bodyguard. The remainder were destroyed
by the brave Crim Tartar army after an obstinate combat, in which the
Crim Tartars suffered severely."

"What a Prince!" thought Angelica: "so brave--so calm-looking--so
young--what a hero!"

"He is as accomplished as he is brave," continued the Court Painter.
"He knows all languages perfectly: sings deliciously: plays every
instrument: composes operas which have been acted a thousand nights
running at the Imperial Theatre of Crim Tartary, and danced in a ballet
there before the King and Queen; in which he looked so beautiful, that
his cousin, the lovely daughter of the King of Circassia, died for love
of him."

"Why did he not marry the poor Princess?" asked Angelica, with a sigh.

"Because they were FIRST COUSINS, Madam, and the clergy forbid these
unions," said the Painter. "And, besides, the young Prince had given his
royal heart ELSEWHERE."

"And to whom?" asked Her Royal Highness.

"I am not at liberty to mention the Princess's name," answered the
Painter.

"But you may tell me the first letter of it," gasped out the Princess.

"That Your Royal Highness is at liberty to guess," said Lorenzo.

"Does it begin with a Z?" asked Angelica.

The Painter said it wasn't a Z; then she tried a Y; then an X; then a W,
and went so backwards through almost the whole alphabet.

When she came to D, and it wasn't D, she grew very excited; when she
came to C, and it wasn't C, she was still more nervous; when she came
to B, AND IT WASN'T B, "Oh dearest Gruffanuff," she said, "lend me your
smelling-bottle!" and, hiding her head in the Countess's shoulder, she
faintly whispered, "Ah, Signor, can it be A?"

"It was A; and though I may not, by my Royal Master's orders, tell Your
Royal Highness the Princess's name, whom he fondly, madly, devotedly,
rapturously loves, I may show you her portrait," says this slyboots:
and leading the Princess up to a gilt frame, he drew a curtain which was
before it.

O goodness! the frame contained A LOOKING-GLASS! and Angelica saw her
own face!


VII. HOW GIGLIO AND ANGELICA HAD A QUARREL.


The Court Painter of his Majesty the King of Crim Tartary returned to
that monarch's dominions, carrying away a number of sketches which he
had made in the Paflagonian capital (you know, of course, my dears, that
the name of that capital is Blombodinga); but the most charming of all
his pieces was a portrait of the Princess Angelica, which all the Crim
Tartar nobles came to see. With this work the King was so delighted,
that he decorated the Painter with his Order of the Pumpkin (sixth
class) and the artist became Sir Tomaso Lorenzo, K.P., thenceforth.

King Valoroso also sent Sir Tomaso his Order of the Cucumber, besides a
handsome order for money, for he painted the King, Queen, and principal
nobility while at Blombodinga, and became all the fashion, to the
perfect rage of all the artists in Paflagonia, where the King used to
point to the portrait of Prince Bulbo, which Sir Tomaso had left behind
him, and say "Which among you can paint a picture like that?"

It hung in the royal parlor over the royal sideboard, and Princess
Angelica could always look at it as she sat making the tea. Each day it
seemed to grow handsomer and handsomer, and the Princess grew so fond
of looking at it, that she would often spill the tea over the cloth, at
which her father and mother would wink and wag their heads; and say to
each other, "Aha! we see how things are going."

In the meantime poor Giglio lay upstairs very sick in his chamber,
though he took all the doctor's horrible medicines like a good young
lad: as I hope YOU do, my dears, when you are ill and mamma sends for
the medical man. And the only person who visited Giglio (besides his
friend the captain of the guard, who was almost always busy or on
parade), was little Betsinda the housemaid, who used to do his bedroom
and sitting-room out, bring him his gruel, and warm his bed.

When the little housemaid came to him in the morning and evening, Prince
Giglio used to say, "Betsinda, Betsinda, how is the Princess Angelica?"

And Betsinda used to answer, "The Princess is very well, thank you, my
Lord." And Giglio would heave a sigh, and think, "If Angelica were sick,
I am sure I should not be very well."

Then Giglio would say, "Betsinda, has the Princess Angelica asked for
me today?" And Betsinda would answer, "No, my Lord, not today"; or, "She
was very busy practicing the piano when I saw her"; or, "She was writing
invitations for an evening party, and did not speak to me"; or make some
excuse or other, not strictly consonant with truth: for Betsinda was
such a good-natured creature that she strove to do everything to prevent
annoyance to Prince Giglio, and even brought him up roast chicken and
jellies from the kitchen (when the Doctor allowed them, and Giglio was
getting better), saying, "that the Princess had made the jelly, or the
bread-sauce, with her own hands, on purpose for Giglio."

When Giglio heard this he took heart and began to mend immediately;
and gobbled up all the jelly, and picked the last bone of the
chicken--drumsticks, merry-thought, sides'-bones, back, pope's nose,
and all--thanking his dear Angelica; and he felt so much better the next
day, that he dressed and went downstairs--where, whom should he meet
but Angelica going into the drawing-room? All the covers were off the
chairs, the chandeliers taken out of the bags, the damask curtains
uncovered, the work and things carried away, and the handsomest albums
on the tables. Angelica had her hair in papers: in a word, it was
evident there was going to be a party.

"Heavens, Giglio!" cries Angelica: "YOU here in such a dress! What a
figure you are!"

"Yes, dear Angelica, I am come downstairs, and feel so well today,
thanks to the FOWL and the JELLY."

"What do I know about fowls and jellies, that you allude to them in that
rude way?" says Angelica.

"Why, didn't--didn't you send them, Angelica dear?" says Giglio.

"I send them indeed! Angelica dear! No, Giglio dear," says she, mocking
him, "I was engaged in getting the rooms ready for His Royal Highness
the Prince of Crim Tartary, who is coming to pay my papa's Court a
visit."

"The--Prince--of--Crim--Tartary!" Giglio said, aghast.

"Yes, the Prince of Crim Tartary," says Angelica, mocking him. "I dare
say you never heard of such a country. What DID you ever hear of? You
don't know whether Crim Tartary is on the Red Sea or on the Black Sea, I
dare say."

"Yes, I do: it's on the Red Sea," says Giglio; at which the Princess
burst out laughing at him, and said, "Oh, you ninny! You are so
ignorant, you are really not fit for society! You know nothing but about
horses and dogs, and are only fit to dine in a mess-room with my Royal
Father's heaviest dragoons. Don't look so surprised at me, sir: go
and put your best clothes on to receive the Prince, and let me get the
drawing-room ready."

Giglio said, "Oh, Angelica, Angelica, I didn't think this of you. THIS
wasn't your language to me when you gave me this ring, and I gave you
mine in the garden, and you gave me that k--"

But what k-- was we never shall know, for Angelica, in a rage, cried,
"Get out, you saucy, rude creature! How dare you to remind me of your
rudeness? As for your little trumpery twopenny ring, there, sir--there!"
And she flung it out of the window.

"It was my mother's marriage-ring," cried Giglio.

"I don't care whose marriage-ring it was," cries Angelica. "Marry the
person who picks it up if she's a woman; you shan't marry ME. And give
me back MY ring. I've no patience with people who boast about the things
they give away! I know who'll give me much finer things than you ever
gave me. A beggarly ring indeed, not worth five shillings!"

Now Angelica little knew that the ring which Giglio had given her was a
fairy ring; if a man wore it, it made all the women in love with him;
if a woman, all the gentlemen. The Queen, Giglio's mother, quite an
ordinary-looking person, was admired immensely whilst she wore this
ring, and her husband was frantic when she was ill. But when she called
her little Giglio to her, and put the ring on his finger, King Savio did
not seem to care for his wife so much any more, but transferred all his
love to little Giglio. So did everybody love him as long as he had the
ring; but when, as quite a child, he gave it to Angelica, people began
to love and admire HER; and Giglio, as the saying is, played only second
fiddle.

"Yes," says Angelica, going on in her foolish ungrateful way. "I
know who'll give me much finer things than your beggarly little pearl
nonsense."

"Very good, miss! You may take back your ring too!" says Giglio, his
eyes flashing fire at her, and then, as his eyes had been suddenly
opened, he cried out, "Ha! what does this mean? Is THIS the woman I have
been in love with all my life? Have I been such a ninny as to throw away
my regard upon you? Why--actually--yes--you are a little crooked!"

"Oh, you wretch!" cries Angelica.

"And, upon my conscience, you--you squint a little."

"Eh!" cries Angelica.

"And your hair is red--and you are marked with the smallpox--and what?
you have three false teeth--and one leg shorter than the other!"

"You brute, you brute, you!" Angelica screamed out: and as she seized
the ring with one hand, she dealt Giglio one, two, three smacks on the
face, and would have pulled the hair off his head had he not started
laughing, and crying,

"Oh dear me, Angelica, don't pull out MY hair, it hurts! You might
remove a great deal of YOUR OWN, as I perceive, without scissors or
pulling at all. Oh, ho, ho! ha, ha, ha! he he he!"

And he nearly choked himself with laughing, and she with rage; when,
with a low bow, and dressed in his Court habit, Count Gambabella,
the first lord-in-waiting, entered and said, "Royal Highnesses! Their
Majesties expect you in the Pink Throne-room, where they await the
arrival of the Prince of CRIM TARTARY."


VIII. HOW GRUFFANUFF PICKED THE FAIRY RING UP, AND PRINCE BULBO CAME TO
COURT.


Prince Bulbo's arrival had set all the court in a flutter: everybody was
ordered to put his or her best clothes on: the footmen had their gala
liveries; the Lord Chancellor his new wig; the Guards their last
new tunics; and Countess Gruffanuff, you may be sure, was glad of an
opportunity of decorating HER old person with her finest things. She was
walking through the court of the Palace on her way to wait upon their
Majesties, when she espied something glittering on the pavement, and
bade the boy in buttons who was holding up her train, to go and pick up
the article shining yonder. He was an ugly little wretch, in some of the
late groom-porter's old clothes cut down, and much too tight for him;
and yet, when he had taken up the ring (as it turned out to be), and was
carrying it to his mistress, she thought he looked like a little cupid.
He gave the ring to her; it was a trumpery little thing enough, but too
small for any of her old knuckles, so she put it into her pocket.

"Oh, mum!" says the boy, looking at her "how--how beyoutiful you do
look, mum, to-day, mum!"

"And you, too, Jacky," she was going to say; but, looking down
at him--no, he was no longer good-looking at all--but only the
carroty-haired little Jacky of the morning. However, praise is welcome
from the ugliest of men or boys, and Gruffanuff, bidding the boy hold
up her train, walked on in high good-humor. The Guards saluted her
with peculiar respect. Captain Hedzoff, in the anteroom, said, "My
dear madam, you look like an angel today." And so, bowing and smirking,
Gruffanuff went in and took her place behind her Royal Master and
Mistress, who were in the throne-room, awaiting the Prince of Crim
Tartary. Princess Angelica sat at their feet, and behind the King's
chair stood Prince Giglio, looking very savage.

The Prince of Crim Tartary made his appearance, attended by Baron
Sleibootz, his chamberlain, and followed by a black page carrying the
most beautiful crown you ever saw! He was dressed in his travelling
costume, and his hair, as you see, was a little in disorder. "I have
ridden three hundred miles since breakfast," said he, "so eager was I to
behold the Prin--the Court and august family of Paflagonia, and I could
not wait one minute before appearing in Your Majesties' presences."

Giglio, from behind the throne, burst out into a roar of contemptuous
laughter; but all the Royal party, in fact, were so flurried, that they
did not hear this little outbreak. "Your R. H. is welcome in any dress,"
says the King. "Glumboso, a chair for His Royal Highness."

"Any dress His Royal Highness wears IS a Court-dress," says Princess
Angelica, smiling graciously.

"Ah! but you should see my other clothes," said the Prince. "I should
have had them on, but that stupid carrier has not brought them. Who's
that laughing?"

It was Giglio laughing. "I was laughing," he said, "because you said
just now that you were in such a hurry to see the Princess, that you
could not wait to change your dress; and now you say you come in those
clothes because you have no others."

"And who are you?" says Prince Bulbo, very fiercely.

"My father was King of this country, and I am his only son, Prince!"
replies Giglio, with equal haughtiness.

"Ha!" said the King and Glumboso, looking very flurried; but the former,
collecting himself, said, "Dear Prince Bulbo, I forgot to introduce to
Your Royal Highness my dear nephew, His Royal Highness Prince Giglio!
Know each other! Embrace each other! Giglio, give His Royal Highness
your hand!" and Giglio, giving his hand, squeezed poor Bulbo's until the
tears ran out of his eyes. Glumboso now brought a chair for the Royal
visitor, and placed it on the platform on which the King, Queen, and
Prince were seated; but the chair was on the edge of the platform, and
as Bulbo sat down, it toppled over, and he with it, rolling over and
over, and bellowing like a bull. Giglio roared still louder at this
disaster, but it was with laughter; so did all the Court when Prince
Bulbo got up; for though when he entered the room he appeared not very
ridiculous, as he stood up from his fall for a moment he looked so
exceedingly plain and foolish, that nobody could help laughing at him.
When he had entered the room, he was observed to carry a rose in his
hand, which fell out of it as he tumbled.

"My rose! my rose!" cried Bulbo; and his chamberlain dashed forwards and
picked it up, and gave it to the Prince, who put it in his waistcoat.
Then people wondered why they had laughed; there was nothing
particularly ridiculous in him. He was rather short, rather stout,
rather red-haired, but, in fine, for a Prince, not so bad.

So they sat and talked, the Royal personages together, the Crim
Tartar officers with those of Paflagonia--Giglio very comfortable with
Gruffanuff behind the throne. He looked at her with such tender eyes,
that her heart was all in a flutter. "Oh, dear Prince," she said, "how
could you speak so haughtily in presence of Their Majesties? I protest I
thought I should have fainted."

"I should have caught you in my arms," said Giglio, looking raptures.

"Why were you so cruel to Prince Bulbo, dear Prince?" says Gruff.

"Because I hate him," says Gil.

"You are jealous of him, and still love poor Angelica," cries
Gruffanuff, putting her handkerchief to her eyes.

"I did, but I love her no more!" Giglio cried. "I despise her! Were she
heiress to twenty thousand thrones, I would despise her and scorn her.
But why speak of thrones? I have lost mine. I am too weak to recover
it--I am alone, and have no friend."

"Oh, say not so, dear Prince!" says Gruffanuff.

"Besides," says he, "I am so happy here BEHIND THE THRONE, that I would
not change my place, no, not for the throne of the world!"

"What are you two people chattering about there?" says the Queen, who
was rather good-natured, though not over-burthened with wisdom. "It is
time to dress for dinner. Giglio, show Prince Bulbo to his room. Prince,
if your clothes have not come, we shall be very happy to see you as you
are." But when Prince Bulbo got to his bedroom, his luggage was there
and unpacked; and the hairdresser coming in, cut and curled him entirely
to his own satisfaction; and when the dinner-bell rang, the Royal
company had not to wait above five-and-twenty minutes until Bulbo
appeared, during which time the King, who could not bear to wait, grew
as sulky as possible. As for Giglio, he never left Madam Gruffanuff all
this time, but stood with her in the embrasure of a window, paying her
compliments. At length the Groom of the Chambers announced His Royal
Highness the Prince of Crim Tartary! and the noble company went into the
royal dining-room. It was quite a small party; only the King and Queen,
the Princess, whom Bulbo took out, the two Princes, Countess Gruffanuff,
Glumboso the Prime Minister, and Prince Bulbo's chamberlain. You may be
sure they had a very good dinner--let every boy or girl think of what he
or she likes best, and fancy it on the table.*


* Here a very pretty game may be played by all the children saying what
they like best for dinner.


The Princess talked incessantly all dinner-time to the Prince of Crimea,
who ate an immense deal too much, and never took his eyes off his plate,
except when Giglio, who was carving a goose, sent a quantity of stuffing
and onion sauce into one of them. Giglio only burst out a-laughing
as the Crimean Prince wiped his shirt-front and face with his scented
pocket-handkerchief. He did not make Prince Bulbo any apology. When the
Prince looked at him, Giglio would not look that way. When Prince Bulbo
said, "Prince Giglio, may I have the honor of taking a glass of wine
with you?" Giglio WOULDN'T answer. All his talk and his eyes were for
Countess Gruffanuff, who you may be sure was pleased with Giglio's
attentions--the vain old creature! When he was not complimenting her,
he was making fun of Prince Bulbo, so loud that Gruffanuff was always
tapping him with her fan, and saying, "Oh, you satirical Prince! Oh,
fie, the Prince will hear!" "Well, I don't mind," says Giglio, louder
still. The King and Queen luckily did not hear; for her Majesty was a
little deaf, and the King thought so much about his own dinner, and,
besides, made such a dreadful noise, hob-gobbling in eating it, that
he heard nothing else. After dinner, his Majesty and the Queen went to
sleep in their arm-chairs.

This was the time when Giglio began his tricks with Prince Bulbo, plying
that young gentleman with port, sherry, madeira, champagne, marsala,
cherry-brandy, and pale ale, of all of which Master Bulbo drank without
stint. But in plying his guest, Giglio was obliged to drink himself,
and, I am sorry to say, took more than was good for him, so that the
young men were very noisy, rude, and foolish when they joined the ladies
after dinner; and dearly did they pay for that imprudence, as now, my
darlings, you shall hear!

Bulbo went and sat by the piano, where Angelica was playing and singing,
and he sang out of tune, and he upset the coffee when the footman
brought it, and he laughed out of place, and talked absurdly, and fell
asleep and snored horridly. Booh, the nasty pig! But as he lay there
stretched on the pink satin sofa, Angelica still persisted in thinking
him the most beautiful of human beings. No doubt the magic rose which
Bulbo wore caused this infatuation on Angelica's part; but is she the
first young woman who has thought a silly fellow charming?

Giglio must go and sit by Gruffanuff, whose old face he, too,
every moment began to find more lovely. He paid the most outrageous
compliments to her:--There never was such a darling. Older than he
was?--Fiddle-de-dee! He would marry her--he would, have nothing but her!

To marry the heir to the throne! Here was a chance! The artful hussy
actually got a sheet of paper, and wrote upon it, "This is to give
notice that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of Paflagonia, hereby
promise to marry the charming and virtuous Barbara Griselda Countess
Gruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq."

"What is it you are writing, you charming Gruffy?" says Giglio, who was
lolling on the sofa, by the writing-table.

"Only an order for you to sign, dear Prince, for giving coals and
blankets to the poor, this cold weather. Look! the King and Queen are
both asleep, and your Royal Highness's order will do."

So Giglio, who was very good-natured, as Gruffy well knew, signed the
order immediately; and, when she had it in her pocket, you may fancy
what airs she gave herself. She was ready to flounce out of the room
before the Queen herself, as now she was the wife of the RIGHTFUL King
of Paflagonia! She would not speak to Glumboso, whom she thought a
brute, for depriving her DEAR HUSBAND of the crown! And when candles
came, and she had helped to undress the Queen and Princess, she went
into her own room, and actually practiced on a sheet of paper, "Griselda
Paflagonia," "Barbara Regina," "Griselda Barbara, Paf. Reg.," and I
don't know what signatures besides, against the day when she should be
Queen forsooth!


IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING PAN.


Little Betsinda came in to put Gruffanuff's hair in papers; and the
Countess was so pleased, that, for a wonder, she complimented Betsinda.
"Betsinda!" she said, "you dressed my hair very nicely today; I promised
you a little present. Here are five sh--no, here is a pretty little
ring, that I picked--that I have had some time." And she gave Betsinda
the ring she had picked up in the court. It fitted Betsinda exactly.

"It's like the ring the Princess used to wear," says the maid.

"No such thing," says Gruffanuff, "I have had it this ever so long.
There, tuck me up quite comfortable; and now, as it's a very cold night
(the snow was beating in at the window), you may go and warm dear Prince
Giglio's bed, like a good girl, and then you may unrip my green silk,
and then you can just do me up a little cap for the morning, and then
you can mend that hole in my silk stocking, and then you can go to
bed, Betsinda. Mind I shall want my cup of tea at five o'clock in the
morning."

"I suppose I had best warm both the young gentlemen's beds, Ma'am," says
Betsinda.

Gruffanuff, for reply, said, "Hau-au-ho!--Grau-haw-hoo!--Hong-hrho!" In
fact, she was snoring sound asleep.

Her room, you know, is next to the King and Queen, and the Princess is
next to them. So pretty Betsinda went away for the coals to the kitchen,
and filled the royal warming-pan.

Now, she was a very kind, merry, civil, pretty girl; but there must
have been something very captivating about her this evening, for all
the women in the servants' hall began to scold and abuse her. The
housekeeper said she was a pert, stuck-up thing: the upper-housemaid
asked, how dare she wear such ringlets and ribbons, it was quite
improper! The cook (for there was a woman-cook as well as a man-cook)
said to the kitchen-maid that SHE never could see anything in that
creetur: but as for the men, every one of them, Coachman, John, Buttons,
the page, and Monsieur, the Prince of Crim Tartary's valet, started up,
and said--

"My eyes! }

"O mussey! } what a pretty girl Betsinda is!"

"O jemmany! }

"O ciel! }

"Hands off; none of your impertinence, you vulgar, low people!" says
Betsinda, walking off with her pan of coals. She heard the young
gentlemen playing at billiards as she went upstairs: first to Prince
Giglio's bed, which she warmed, and then to Prince Bulbo's room.

He came in just as she had done; and as soon as he saw her, "O! O! O!
O! O! O! what a beyou--oo--ootiful creature you are! You angel--you
Peri--you rosebud, let me be thy bulbul--thy Bulbo, too! Fly to the
desert, fly with me! I never saw a young gazelle to glad me with its
dark blue eye that had eyes like thine. Thou nymph of beauty, take, take
this young heart. A truer never did itself sustain within a soldier's
waistcoat. Be mine! Be mine! Be Princess of Crim Tartary! My Royal
father will approve our union; and, as for that little carroty-haired
Angelica, I do not care a fig for her any more."

"Go away, Your Royal Highness, and go to bed, please," said Betsinda,
with the warming-pan.

But Bulbo said, "No, never, till thou swearest to be mine, thou lovely,
blushing chambermaid divine! Here, at thy feet, the Royal Bulbo lies,
the trembling captive of Betsinda's eyes."

And he went on, making himself SO ABSURD AND RIDICULOUS, that Betsinda,
who was full of fun, gave him a touch with the warming-pan, which, I
promise you, made him cry "O-o-o-o!" in a very different manner.

Prince Bulbo made such a noise that Prince Giglio, who heard him from
the next room, came in to see what was the matter. As soon as he saw
what was taking place, Giglio, in a fury, rushed on Bulbo, kicked him
in the rudest manner up to the ceiling, and went on kicking him till his
hair was quite out of curl.

Poor Betsinda did not know whether to laugh or to cry; the kicking
certainly must hurt the Prince, but then he looked so droll! When Giglio
had done knocking him up and down to the ground, and whilst he went into
a corner rubbing himself, what do you think Giglio does? He goes down on
his own knees to Betsinda, takes her hand, begs her to accept his heart,
and offers to marry her that moment. Fancy Betsinda's condition, who had
been in love with the Prince ever since she first saw him in the palace
garden, when she was quite a little child.

"Oh, divine Betsinda!" says the Prince, "how have I lived fifteen years
in thy company without seeing thy perfections? What woman in all
Europe, Asia, Africa, and America, nay, in Australia, only it is not
yet discovered, can presume to be thy equal? Angelica? Pish! Gruffanuff?
Phoo! The Queen? Ha, ha! Thou art my Queen. Thou art the real Angelica,
because thou art really angelic."

"Oh, Prince! I am but a poor chambermaid," says Betsinda, looking,
however, very much pleased.

"Didst thou not tend me in my sickness, when all forsook me?" continues
Giglio. "Did not thy gentle hand smooth my pillow, and bring me jelly
and roast chicken?"

"Yes, dear Prince, I did," says Betsinda, "and I sewed Your Royal
Highness's shirt-buttons on too, if you please, Your Royal Highness,"
cries this artless maiden.

When poor Prince Bulbo, who was now madly in love with Betsinda, heard
this declaration, when he saw the unmistakable glances which she flung
upon Giglio, Bulbo began to cry bitterly, and tore quantities of hair
out of his head, till it all covered the room like so much tow.

Betsinda had left the warming-pan on the floor while the princes were
going on with their conversation, and as they began now to quarrel and
be very fierce with one another, she thought proper to run away.

"You great big blubbering booby, tearing your hair in the corner there;
of course you will give me satisfaction for insulting Betsinda. YOU dare
to kneel down at Princess Giglio's knees and kiss her hand!"

"She's not Princess Giglio!" roars out Bulbo. "She shall be Princess
Bulbo, no other shall be Princess Bulbo."

"You are engaged to my cousin!" bellows out Giglio.

"I hate your cousin," says Bulbo.

"You shall give me satisfaction for insulting her!" cries Giglio in a
fury.

"I'll have your life."

"I'll run you through."

"I'll cut your throat."

"I'll blow your brains out."

"I'll knock your head off."

"I'll send a friend to you in the morning."

"I'll send a bullet into you in the afternoon."

"We'll meet again," says Giglio, shaking his fist in Bulbo's face; and
seizing up the warming-pan, he kissed it, because, forsooth, Betsinda
had carried it, and rushed downstairs. What should he see on the landing
but his Majesty talking to Betsinda, whom he called by all sorts of fond
names. His Majesty had heard a row in the building, so he stated, and
smelling something burning, had come out to see what the matter was.

"It's the young gentlemen smoking, perhaps, sir," says Betsinda.

"Charming chambermaid," says the King (like all the rest of them),
"never mind the young men! Turn thy eyes on a middle-aged autocrat, who
has been considered not ill-looking in his time."

"Oh, sir! what will her Majesty say?" cries Betsinda.

"Her Majesty!" laughs the monarch. "Her Majesty be hanged. Am I not
Autocrat of Paflagonia? Have I not blocks, ropes, axes, hangmen--ha?
Runs not a river by my palace wall? Have I not sacks to sew up wives
withal? Say but the word, that thou wilt be mine own,--your mistress
straightway in a sack is sewn, and thou the sharer of my heart and
throne."

When Giglio heard these atrocious sentiments, he forgot the respect
usually paid to Royalty, lifted up the warming-pan, and knocked down the
King as flat as a pancake; after which, Master Giglio took to his
heels and ran away, and Betsinda went off screaming, and the Queen,
Gruffanuff, and the Princess, all came out of their rooms. Fancy their
feelings on beholding their husband, father, sovereign, in this posture!


X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION.


As soon as the coals began to burn him, the King came to himself
and stood up. "Ho! my captain of the guards!" his Majesty exclaimed,
stamping his royal feet with rage. O piteous spectacle! the King's nose
was bent quite crooked by the blow of Prince Giglio! His Majesty ground
his teeth with rage. "Hedzoff," he said, taking a death-warrant out of
his dressing-gown pocket, "Hedzoff, good Hedzoff, seize upon the Prince.
Thou'lt find him in his chamber two pair up. But now he dared, with
sacrilegious hand, to strike the sacred night-cap of a king--Hedzoff,
and floor me with a warming-pan! Away, no more demur, the villain dies!
See it be done, or else,--h'm--ha!--h'm! mind thine own eyes!" And
followed by the ladies, and lifting up the tails of his dressing-gown,
the King entered his own apartment.

Captain Hedzoff was very much affected, having a sincere love for
Giglio. "Poor, poor Giglio!" he said, the tears rolling over his manly
face, and dripping down his moustachios; "my noble young Prince, is it
my hand must lead thee to death?"

"Lead him to fiddlestick, Hedzoff," said a female voice. It was
Gruffanuff, who had come out in her dressing-gown when she heard the
noise. "The King said you were to hang the Prince. Well, hang the
Prince."

"I don't understand you," says Hedzoff, who was not a very clever man.

"You Gaby! he didn't say WHICH Prince," says Gruffanuff.

"No; he didn't say which, certainly," said Hedzoff.

"Well then, take Bulbo, and hang HIM!"

When Captain Hedzoff heard this, he began to dance about for joy.
"Obedience is a soldier's honor," says he. "Prince Bulbo's head will do
capitally;" and he went to arrest the Prince the very first thing next
morning.

He knocked at the door. "Who's there?" says Bulbo. "Captain Hedzoff?
Step in, pray, my good Captain; I'm delighted to see you; I have been
expecting you."

"Have you?" says Hedzoff.

"Sleibootz, my Chamberlain, will act for me," says the Prince.

"I beg Your Royal Highness's pardon, but you will have to act for
yourself, and it's a pity to wake Baron Sleibootz."

The Prince Bulbo still seemed to take the matter very coolly. "Of
course, Captain," says he, "you are come about that affair with Prince
Giglio?"

"Precisely," says Hedzoff, "that affair of Prince Giglio."

"Is it to be pistols, or swords, Captain?" asks Bulbo. "I'm a pretty
good hand with both, and I'll do for Prince Giglio as sure as my name is
My Royal Highness Prince Bulbo."

"There's some mistake, my Lord," says the Captain. "The business is done
with AXES among us."

"Axes? That's sharp work," says Bulbo. "Call my Chamberlain, he'll be my
second, and in ten minutes, I flatter myself, you'll see Master
Giglio's head off his impertinent shoulders. I'm hungry for his blood
Hoo-oo--aw!" and he looked as savage as an ogre.

"I beg your pardon, sir, but by this warrant I am to take you prisoner,
and hand you over to--to the executioner."

"Pooh, pooh, my good man!--Stop, I say,--ho!--hulloa!" was all that this
luckless Prince was enabled to say: for Hedzoff's guards seizing him,
tied a handkerchief over his mouth and face, and carried him to the
place of execution.

The King, who happened to be talking to Glumboso, saw him pass, and
took a pinch of snuff and said, "So much for Giglio. Now let's go to
breakfast."

The Captain of the Guard handed over his prisoner to the Sheriff, with
the fatal order,


"AT SIGHT CUT OFF THE BEARER'S HEAD.

"VALOROSO XXIV."


"It's a mistake," says Bulbo, who did not seem to understand the
business in the least.

"Poo--poo--pooh," says the Sheriff. "Fetch Jack Ketch instantly. Jack
Ketch!"

And poor Bulbo was led to the scaffold, where an executioner with a
block and a tremendous axe was always ready in case he should be wanted.

But we must now revert to Giglio and Betsinda.


XI. WHAT GRUFFANUFF DID TO GIGLIO AND BETSINDA.


Gruffanuff, who had seen what had happened with the King, and knew that
Giglio must come to grief, got up very early the next morning, and went
to devise some plans for rescuing her darling husband, as the silly old
thing insisted on calling him. She found him walking up and down the
garden, thinking of a rhyme for Betsinda (TINDER and WINDA were all he
could find), and indeed having forgotten all about the past evening,
except that Betsinda was the most lovely of beings.

"Well, dear Giglio," says Gruff.

"Well, dear Gruffy," says Giglio, only HE was quite satirical.

"I have been thinking, darling, what you must do in this scrape. You
must fly the country for a while."

"What scrape?--fly the country? Never without her I love, Countess,"
says Giglio.

"No, she will accompany you, dear Prince," she says, in her most coaxing
accents. "First, we must get the jewels belonging to our royal parents,
and those of her and his present Majesty. Here is the key, duck; they
are all yours, you know, by right, for you are the rightful King of
Paflagonia, and your wife will be the rightful Queen."

"Will she?" says Giglio.

"Yes; and having got the jewels, go to Glumboso's apartment, where,
under his bed, you will find sacks containing money to the amount of
L217,000,000,987,439, 13s. 6-12d., all belonging to you, for he took
it out of your royal father's room on the day of his death. With this we
will fly."

"WE will fly?" says Giglio.

"Yes, you and your bride--your affianced love--your Gruffy!" says the
Countess, with a languishing leer.

"YOU my bride!" says Giglio. "You, you hideous old woman!"

"Oh, you--you wretch! didn't you give me this paper promising marriage?"
cries Gruff.

"Get away, you old goose! I love Betsinda, and Betsinda only!" And in a
fit of terror he ran from her as quickly as he could.

"He! he! he!" shrieks out Gruff; "a promise is a promise if there are
laws in Paflagonia! And as for that monster, that wretch, that fiend,
that ugly little vixen--as for that upstart, that ingrate, that beast,
Betsinda, Master Giglio will have no little difficulty in discovering
her whereabouts. He may look very long before finding HER, I warrant. He
little knows that Miss Betsinda is--"


Is--what? Now, you shall hear. Poor Betsinda got up at five in winter's
morning to bring her cruel mistress her tea; and instead of finding her
in a good humor, found Gruffy as cross as two sticks. The Countess boxed
Betsinda's ears half a dozen times whilst she was dressing; but as poor
little Betsinda was used to this kind of treatment, she did not feel
any special alarm. "And now," says she, "when her Majesty rings her bell
twice, I'll trouble you, miss, to attend."

So when the Queen's bell rang twice, Betsinda came to her Majesty and
made a pretty little curtsey. The Queen, the Princess, and Gruffanuff
were all three in the room. As soon as they saw her they began,

"You wretch!" says the Queen.

"You little vulgar thing!" says the Princess.

"You beast!" says Gruffanuff.

"Get out of my sight!" says the Queen.

"Go away with you, do!" says the Princess.

"Quit the premises!" says Gruffanuff.

"Alas! and woe is me!" very lamentable events had occurred to Betsinda
that morning, and all in consequence of that fatal warming-pan business
of the previous night. The King had offered to marry her; of course her
Majesty the Queen was jealous: Bulbo had fallen in love with her; of
course Angelica was furious: Giglio was in love with her, and oh, what a
fury Gruffy was in!

 { cap }

"Take off that {petticoat} I gave you," they said, all at once,

 { gown }

and began tearing the clothes off poor Betsinda.

 { the King?" }

"How dare you flirt with {Prince Bulbo?" } cried the Queen, the

 {Prince Giglio?"} Princess, and Countess.

"Give her the rags she wore when she came into the house, and turn her
out of it!" cries the Queen.

"Mind she does not go with MY shoes on, which I lent her so kindly,"
says the Princess; and indeed the Princess's shoes were a great deal too
big for Betsinda.

"Come with me, you filthy hussy!" and taking up the Queen's poker, the
cruel Gruffanuff drove Betsinda into her room.

The Countess went to the glass box in which she had kept Betsinda's old
cloak and shoe this ever so long, and said, "Take those rags, you little
beggar creature, and strip off everything belonging to honest people,
and go about your business"; and she actually tore off the poor little
delicate thing's back almost all her things, and told her to be off out
of the house.

Poor Betsinda huddled the cloak round her back, on which were
embroidered the letters PRIN. . . . ROSAL . . and then came a great
rent.

As for the shoe, what was she to do with one poor little tootsey sandal?
The string was still to it, so she hung it round her neck.

"Won't you give me a pair of shoes to go out in the snow, mum, if you
please, mum?" cried the poor child.

"No, you wicked beast!" says Gruffanuff, driving her along with the
poker--driving her down the cold stairs--driving her through the cold
hall--flinging her out into the cold street, so that the knocker itself
shed tears to see her!

But a kind fairy made the soft snow warm for her little feet, and she
wrapped herself up in the ermine of her mantle, and was gone!


"And now let us think about breakfast," says the greedy Queen.

"What dress shall I put on, mamma? the pink or the pea-green?" says
Angelica. "Which do you think the dear Prince will like best?"

"Mrs. V.!" sings out the King from his dressing-room, "let us have
sausages for breakfast! Remember we have Prince Bulbo staying with us!"

And they all went to get ready.

Nine o'clock came, and they were all in the breakfast-room, and no
Prince Bulbo as yet. The urn was hissing and humming: the muffins were
smoking--such a heap of muffins! the eggs were done, there was a pot
of raspberry jam, and coffee, and a beautiful chicken and tongue on the
side-table. Marmitonio the cook brought in the sausages. Oh, how nice
they smelt!

"Where is Bulbo?" said the King. "John, where is His Royal Highness?"

John said he had a took hup His Roilighnessesses shaving-water, and
his clothes and things, and he wasn't in his room, which he sposed His
Royliness was just stepped hout.

"Stepped out before breakfast in the snow! Impossible!" says the King,
sticking his fork into a sausage. "My dear, take one. Angelica, won't
you have a saveloy?" The Princess took one, being very fond of them; and
at this moment Glumboso entered with Captain Hedzoff, both looking very
much disturbed.

"I am afraid Your Majesty--" cries Glumboso.

"No business before breakfast, Glum!" says the King. "Breakfast first,
business next. Mrs. V., some more sugar!"

"Sire, I am afraid if we wait till after breakfast it will be too late,"
says Glumboso. "He--he--he'll be hanged at half-past nine."

"Don't talk about hanging and spoil my breakfast, you unkind, vulgar
man you," cries the Princess. "John, some mustard. Pray who is to be
hanged?"

"Sire, it is the Prince," whispers Glumboso to the King.

"Talk about business after breakfast, I tell you!" says his Majesty,
quite sulky.

"We shall have a war, Sire, depend on it," says the Minister. "His
father, King Padella. . . ."

"His father, King WHO?" says the King. "King Padella is not Giglio's
father. My brother, King Savio, was Giglio's father."

"It's Prince Bulbo they are hanging, Sire, not Prince Giglio," says the
Prime Minister.

"You told me to hang the Prince, and I took the ugly one," says Hedzoff.
"I didn't, of course, think Your Majesty intended to murder your own
flesh and blood!"

The King for all reply flung the plate of sausages at Hedzoff's head.
The Princess cried out "Hee-karee-karee!" and fell down in a fainting
fit.

"Turn the cock of the urn upon Her Royal Highness," said the King,
and the boiling water gradually revived her. His Majesty looked at his
watch, compared it by the clock in the parlor, and by that of the church
in the square opposite; then he wound it up; then he looked at it again.
"The great question is," says he, "am I fast or am I slow? If I'm slow,
we may as well go on with breakfast. If I'm fast, why, there is just the
possibility of saving Prince Bulbo. It's a doosid awkward mistake, and
upon my word, Hedzoff, I have the greatest mind to have you hanged too."

"Sire, I did but my duty: a soldier has but his orders. I didn't expect
after forty-seven years of faithful service, that my sovereign would
think of putting me to a felon's death!"

"A hundred thousand plagues upon you! Can't you see that while you are
talking my Bulbo is being hung?" screamed the Princess.

"By Jove! she's always right, that girl, and I'm so absent," says the
King, looking at his watch again. "Ha! there go the drums! What a doosid
awkward thing though!"

"O, papa, you goose! Write the reprieve, and let me run with it," cries
the Princess--and she got a sheet of paper, and pen and ink, and laid
them before the King.

"Confound it! Where are my spectacles?" the Monarch exclaimed.
"Angelica! Go up into my bedroom, look under my pillow, not your
mamma's; there you'll see my keys. Bring them down to me, and--Well,
well! what impetuous things these girls are!" Angelica was gone, and had
run up panting to the bedroom, and found the keys, and was back again
before the King had finished a muffin. "Now, love," says he, "you must
go all the way back for my desk, in which my spectacles are. If you
would but have heard me out. . . . Be hanged to her! There she is off
again. Angelica! ANGELICA!" When his Majesty called in his LOUD voice,
she knew she must obey, and came back.

"My dear, when you go out of a room, how often have I told you, SHUT THE
DOOR. That's a darling. That's all." At last the keys and the desk and
the spectacles were got, and the King mended his pen, and signed his
name to a reprieve, and Angelica ran with it as swift as the wind.
"You'd better stay, my love, and finish the muffins. There's no use
going. Be sure it's too late. Hand me over that raspberry jam, please,"
said the Monarch. "Bong! Bawong! There goes the half-hour. I knew it
was."

Angelica ran, and ran, and ran, and ran. She ran up Fore Street, and
down High Street, and through the Market-place, and down to the left,
and over the bridge, and up the blind alley, and back again, and round
by the Castle, and so along by the Haberdasher's on the right, opposite
the lamp-post, and round the square, and she came--she came to the
EXECUTION PLACE, where she saw Bulbo laying his head on the block!!! The
executioner raised his axe, but at that moment the Princess came panting
up and cried Reprieve! "Reprieve!" screamed the Princess. "Reprieve!"
shouted all the people. Up the scaffold stairs she sprang, with the
agility of a lighter of lamps; and flinging herself in Bulbo's arms,
regardless of all ceremony, she cried out, "Oh, my Prince! my lord! my
love! my Bulbo! Thine Angelica has been in time to save thy precious
existence, sweet rosebud; to prevent thy being nipped in thy young
bloom! Had aught befallen thee, Angelica too had died, and welcomed
death that joined her to her Bulbo."

"H'm! there's no accounting for tastes," said Bulbo, looking so very
much puzzled and uncomfortable that the Princess, in tones of tenderest
strain, asked the cause of his disquiet.

"I tell you what it is, Angelica," said he, "since I came here
yesterday, there has been such a row, and disturbance, and quarrelling,
and fighting, and chopping of heads off, and the deuce to pay, that I am
inclined to go back to Crim Tartary."

"But with me as thy bride, my Bulbo! Though wherever thou art is Crim
Tartary to me, my bold, my beautiful, my Bulbo!"

"Well, well, I suppose we must be married," says Bulbo. "Doctor, you
came to read the Funeral Service--read the Marriage Service, will you?
What must be, must. That will satisfy Angelica, and then, in the name of
peace and quietness, do let us go back to breakfast."

Bulbo had carried a rose in his mouth all the time of the dismal
ceremony. It was a fairy rose, and he was told by his mother that he
ought never to part with it. So he had kept it between his teeth, even
when he laid his poor head upon the block, hoping vaguely that some
chance would turn up in his favor. As he began to speak to Angelica, he
forgot about the rose, and of course it dropped out of his mouth. The
romantic Princess instantly stooped and seized it. "Sweet rose!" she
exclaimed, "that bloomed upon my Bulbo's lip, never, never will I part
from thee!" and she placed it in her bosom. And you know Bulbo COULDN'T
ask her to give the rose back again. And they went to breakfast; and as
they walked, it appeared to Bulbo that Angelica became more exquisitely
lovely every moment.

He was frantic until they were married; and now, strange to say, it was
Angelica who didn't care about him! He knelt down, he kissed her hand,
he prayed and begged; he cried with admiration; while she for her part
said she really thought they might wait; it seemed to her he was not
handsome any more--no, not at all, quite the reverse; and not clever,
no, very stupid; and not well bred, like Giglio; no, on the contrary,
dreadfully vul--

What, I cannot say, for King Valoroso roared out "POOH, stuff!" in a
terrible voice. "We will have no more of this shilly-shallying! Call the
Archbishop, and let the Prince and Princess be married offhand!"

So, married they were, and I am sure for my part I trust they will be
happy.


XII. HOW BETSINDA FLED, AND WHAT BECAME OF HER.


Betsinda wandered on and on, till she passed through the town gates, and
so on the great Crim Tartary road, the very way on which Giglio too
was going. "Ah!" thought she, as the diligence passed her, of which the
conductor was blowing a delightful tune on his horn, "how I should like
to be on that coach!" But the coach and the jingling horses were very
soon gone. She little knew who was in it, though very likely she was
thinking of him all the time.

Then came an empty cart, returning from market; and the driver being
a kind man, and seeing such a very pretty girl trudging along the road
with bare feet, most good-naturedly gave her a seat. He said he lived on
the confines of the forest, where his old father was a woodman, and, if
she liked, he would take her so far on her road. All roads were the same
to little Betsinda, so she very thankfully took this one.

And the carter put a cloth round her bare feet, and gave her some bread
and cold bacon, and was very kind to her. For all that she was very cold
and melancholy. When after travelling on and on, evening came, and all
the black pines were bending with snow, and there, at last, was the
comfortable light beaming in the woodman's windows; and so they arrived,
and went into his cottage. He was an old man, and had a number of
children, who were just at supper, with nice hot bread-and-milk, when
their elder brother arrived with the cart. And they jumped and clapped
their hands; for they were good children; and he had brought them toys
from the town. And when they saw the pretty stranger, they ran to
her, and brought her to the fire, and rubbed her poor little feet, and
brought her bread and milk.

"Look, father!" they said to the old woodman, "look at this poor girl,
and see what pretty cold feet she has. They are as white as our milk!
And look and see what an odd cloak she has, just like the bit of velvet
that hangs up in our cupboard, and which you found that day the little
cubs were killed by King Padella, in the forest! And look, why, bless
us all! she has got round her neck just such another little shoe as
that you brought home, and have shown us so often--a little blue velvet
shoe!"

"What," said the old woodman, "what is all this about a shoe and a
cloak?"

And Betsinda explained that she had been left, when quite a little
child, at the town with this cloak and this shoe. And the persons who
had taken care of her had--had been angry with her, for no fault, she
hoped, of her own. And they had sent her away with her old clothes--and
here, in fact, she was. She remembered having been in a forest--and
perhaps it was a dream--it was so very odd and strange--having lived in
a cave with lions there; and, before that, having lived in a very, very
fine house, as fine as the King's, in the town.

When the woodman heard this, he was so astonished, it was quite curious
to see how astonished he was. He went to his cupboard, and took out of
a stocking a five-shilling piece of King Cavolfiore, and vowed it was
exactly like the young woman. And then he produced the shoe and piece
of velvet which he had kept so long, and compared them with the things
which Betsinda wore. In Betsinda's little shoe was written, "Hopkins,
maker to the Royal Family"; so in the other shoe was written, "Hopkins,
maker to the Royal Family." In the inside of Betsinda's piece of
cloak was embroidered, "PRIN ROSAL"; in the other piece of cloak was
embroidered "CESS BA. NO. 246." So that when put together you read,
"PRINCESS ROSALBA. NO. 246."

On seeing this, the dear old woodman fell down on his knee, saying,
"O my Princess, O my gracious royal lady, O my rightful Queen of Crim
Tartary,--I hail thee--I acknowledge thee--I do thee homage!" And in
token of his fealty, he rubbed his venerable nose three times on the
ground, and put the Princess's foot on his head.

"Why," said she, "my good woodman, you must be a nobleman of my royal
father's Court!" For in her lowly retreat, and under the name of
Betsinda, HER MAJESTY, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, had read of the
customs of all foreign courts and nations.

"Marry, indeed, am I, my gracious liege--the poor Lord Spinachi
once--the humble woodman these fifteen years syne--ever since the tyrant
Padella (may ruin overtake the treacherous knave!) dismissed me from my
post of First Lord."

"First Lord of the Toothpick and Joint Keeper of the Snuffbox? I mind
me! Thou heldest these posts under our royal Sire. They are restored to
thee, Lord Spinachi! I make thee knight of the second class of our Order
of the Pumpkin (the first class being reserved for crowned heads alone).
Rise, Marquis of Spinachi!" And with indescribable majesty, the Queen,
who had no sword handy, waved the pewter spoon with which she had been
taking her bread-and-milk, over the bald head of the old nobleman, whose
tears absolutely made a puddle on the ground, and whose dear children
went to bed that night Lords and Ladies Bartolomeo, Ubaldo, Catarina,
and Ottavia degli Spinachi!

The acquaintance HER MAJESTY showed with the history, and NOBLE FAMILIES
of her empire, was wonderful. "The House of Broccoli should remain
faithful to us," she said; "they were ever welcome at our Court. Have
the Articiocchi, as was their wont, turned to the Rising Sun? The family
of Sauerkraut must sure be with us--they were ever welcome in the halls
of King Cavolfiore." And so she went on enumerating quite a list of
the nobility and gentry of Crim Tartary, so admirably had her Majesty
profited by her studies while in exile.

The old Marquis of Spinachi said he could answer for them all; that the
whole country groaned under Padella's tyranny, and longed to return to
its rightful sovereign; and late as it was, he sent his children, who
knew the forest well, to summon this nobleman and that; and when his
eldest son, who had been rubbing the horse down and giving him his
supper, came into the house for his own, the Marquis told him to put his
boots on, and a saddle on the mare, and ride hither and thither to such
and such people.

When the young man heard who his companion in the cart had been, he too
knelt down and put her royal foot on his head; he too bedewed the ground
with his tears; he was frantically in love with her, as everybody now
was who saw her: so were the young Lords Bartolomeo and Ubaldo, who
punched each other's little heads out of jealousy: and so, when they
came from east and west at the summons of the Marquis degli Spinachi,
were the Crim Tartar Lords who still remained faithful to the House of
Cavolfiore. They were such very old gentlemen for the most part that her
Majesty never suspected their absurd passion, and went among them quite
unaware of the havoc her beauty was causing, until an old blind Lord who
had joined her party told her what the truth was; after which, for fear
of making the people too much in love with her, she always wore a veil.
She went about privately, from one nobleman's castle to another; and
they visited among themselves again, and had meetings, and composed
proclamations and counter-proclamations, and distributed all the best
places of the kingdom amongst one another, and selected who of the
opposition party should be executed when the Queen came to her own. And
so in about a year they were ready to move.

The party of Fidelity was in truth composed of very feeble old fogies
for the most part; they went about the country waving their old swords
and flags, and calling "God save the Queen!" and King Padella happening
to be absent upon an invasion, they had their own way for a little,
and to be sure the people were very enthusiastic whenever they saw the
Queen; otherwise the vulgar took matters very quietly, for they said,
as far as they could recollect, they were pretty well as much taxed in
Cavolfiore's time, as now in Padella's.


XIII. HOW QUEEN ROSALBA CAME TO THE CASTLE OF THE BOLD COUNT HOGGINARMO.


Her Majesty, having indeed nothing else to give, made all her followers
Knights of the Pumpkin, and Marquises, Earls, and Baronets; and they had
a little court for her, and made her a little crown of gilt paper, and a
robe of cotton velvet; and they quarrelled about the places to be given
away in her court, and about rank and precedence and dignities;--you
can't think how they quarrelled! The poor Queen was very tired of her
honors before she had had them a month, and I dare say sighed sometimes
even to be a lady's-maid again. But we must all do our duty in our
respective stations, so the Queen resigned herself to perform hers.

We have said how it happened that none of the Usurper's troops came out
to oppose this Army of Fidelity: it pottered along as nimbly as the
gout of the principal commanders allowed: it consisted of twice as many
officers as soldiers: and at length passed near the estates of one of
the most powerful noblemen of the country, who had not declared for the
Queen, but of whom her party had hopes, as he was always quarrelling
with King Padella.

When they came close to his park gates, this nobleman sent to say he
would wait upon her Majesty: he was a most powerful warrior, and his
name was Count Hogginarmo, whose helmet it took two strong negroes to
carry. He knelt down before her and said, "Madam and liege lady! it
becomes the great nobles of the Crimean realm to show every outward sign
of respect to the wearer of the Crown, whoever that may be. We testify
to our own nobility in acknowledging yours. The bold Hogginarmo bends
the knee to the first of the aristocracy of his country."

Rosalba said the bold Count of Hogginarmo was uncommonly kind; but she
felt afraid of him, even while he was kneeling, and his eyes scowled at
her from between his whiskers, which grew up to them.

"The first Count of the Empire, madam," he went on, "salutes the
Sovereign. The Prince addresses himself to the not more noble lady!
Madam, my hand is free, and I offer it, and my heart and my sword to
your service! My three wives lie buried in my ancestral vaults. The
third perished but a year since; and this heart pines for a consort!
Deign to be mine, and I swear to bring to your bridal table the head of
King Padella, the eyes and nose of his son Prince Bulbo, the right hand
and ears of the usurping Sovereign of Paflagonia, which country shall
thenceforth be an appanage to your--to OUR Crown! Say yes; Hogginarmo is
not accustomed to be denied. Indeed I cannot contemplate the possibility
of a refusal; for frightful will be the result; dreadful the murders;
furious the devastations; horrible the tyranny; tremendous the tortures,
misery, taxation, which the people of this realm will endure, if
Hogginarmo's wrath be aroused! I see consent in Your Majesty's lovely
eyes--their glances fill my soul with rapture!"

"Oh, sir!" Rosalba said, withdrawing her hand in great fright. "Your
Lordship is exceedingly kind; but I am sorry to tell you that I have a
prior attachment to a young gentleman by the name of--Prince Giglio--and
never--never can marry any one but him."

Who can describe Hogginarmo's wrath at this remark? Rising up from the
ground, he ground his teeth so that fire flashed out of his mouth, from
which at the same time issued remarks and language, so LOUD,
VIOLENT, AND IMPROPER, that this pen shall never repeat them!
"R-r-r-r-r-r--Rejected! Fiends and perdition! The bold Hogginarmo
rejected! All the world shall hear of my rage; and you, madam, you above
all shall rue it!" And kicking the two negroes before him, he rushed
away, his whiskers streaming in the wind.

Her Majesty's Privy Council was in a dreadful panic when they saw
Hogginarmo issue from the royal presence in such a towering rage, making
footballs of the poor negroes--a panic which the events justified. They
marched off from Hogginarmo's park very crest-fallen; and in another
half-hour they were met by that rapacious chieftain with a few of his
followers, who cut, slashed, charged, whacked, banged, and pommelled
amongst them, took the Queen prisoner, and drove the Army of Fidelity to
I don't know where.

Poor Queen! Hogginarmo, her conqueror, would not condescend to see her.
"Get a horse-van!" he said to his grooms, "clap the hussy into it, and
send her, with my compliments, to his Majesty King Padella."

Along with his lovely prisoner, Hogginarmo sent a letter full of servile
compliments and loathsome flatteries to King Padella, for whose life,
and that of his royal family, the HYPOCRITICAL HUMBUG pretended to offer
the most fulsome prayers. And Hogginarmo promised speedily to pay his
humble homage at his august master's throne, of which he begged leave to
be counted the most loyal and constant defender. Such a WARY old BIRD
as King Padella was not to be caught by Master Hogginarmo's CHAFF and we
shall hear presently how the tyrant treated his upstart vassal. No, no;
depend on't, two such rogues do not trust one another.

So this poor Queen was laid in the straw like Margery Daw, and driven
along in the dark ever so many miles to the Court, where King Padella
had now arrived, having vanquished all his enemies, murdered most of
them, and brought some of the richest into captivity with him for the
purpose of torturing them and finding out where they had hidden their
money.

Rosalba heard their shrieks and groans in the dungeon in which she was
thrust; a most awful black hole, full of bats, rats, mice, toads, frogs,
mosquitoes, bugs, fleas, serpents, and every kind of horror. No light
was let into it, otherwise the gaolers might have seen her and fallen in
love with her, as an owl that lived up in the roof of the tower did, and
a cat, you know, who can see in the dark, and having set its green eyes
on Rosalba, never would be got to go back to the turnkey's wife to whom
it belonged. And the toads in the dungeon came and kissed her feet,
and the vipers wound round her neck and arms, and never hurt her, so
charming was this poor Princess in the midst of her misfortunes.

At last, after she had been kept in this place EVER SO LONG, the door of
the dungeon opened, and the terrible KING PADELLA came in.

But what he said and did must be reserved for another chapter, as we
must now back to Prince Giglio.


XIV. WHAT BECAME OF GIGLIO.


The idea of marrying such an old creature as Gruffanuff frightened
Prince Giglio so, that he ran up to his room, packed his trunks,
fetched in a couple of porters, and was off to the diligence office in a
twinkling.

It was well that he was so quick in his operations, did not dawdle over
his luggage, and took the early coach: for as soon as the mistake about
Prince Bulbo was found out, that cruel Glumboso sent up a couple of
policemen to Prince Giglio's room, with orders that he should be carried
to Newgate, and his head taken off before twelve o'clock. But the coach
was out of the Paflagonian dominions before two o'clock; and I dare say
the express that was sent after Prince Giglio did not ride very quick,
for many people in Paflagonia had a regard for Giglio, as the son of
their old sovereign; a Prince who, with all his weaknesses, was very
much better than his brother, the usurping, lazy, careless, passionate,
tyrannical, reigning monarch. That Prince busied himself with the balls,
fetes, masquerades, hunting-parties, and so forth, which he thought
proper to give on occasion of his daughter's marriage to Prince Bulbo;
and let us trust was not sorry in his own heart that his brother's son
had escaped the scaffold.

It was very cold weather, and the snow was on the ground, and
Giglio, who gave his name as simple Mr. Giles, was very glad to get a
comfortable place in the coupe of the diligence, where he sat with the
conductor and another gentleman. At the first stage from Blombodinga,
as they stopped to change horses, there came up to the diligence a very
ordinary, vulgar-looking woman, with a bag under her arm, who asked
for a place. All the inside places were taken, and the young woman was
informed that if she wished to travel, she must go upon the roof; and
the passenger inside with Giglio (a rude person, I should think), put
his head out of the window, and said, "Nice weather for travelling
outside! I wish you a pleasant journey, my dear." The poor woman coughed
very much, and Giglio pitied her. "I will give up my place to her,"
says he, "rather than she should travel in the cold air with that horrid
cough." On which the vulgar traveller said, "YOU'D keep her warm, I am
sure, if it's a MUFF she wants." On which Giglio pulled his nose, boxed
his ears, hit him in the eye, and gave this vulgar person a warning
never to call him MUFF again.

Then he sprang up gaily on to the roof of the diligence, and made
himself very comfortable in the straw. The vulgar traveller got down
only at the next station, and Giglio took his place again, and talked
to the person next to him. She appeared to be a most agreeable,
well-informed, and entertaining female. They travelled together till
night, and she gave Giglio all sorts of things out of the bag which
she carried, and which indeed seemed to contain the most wonderful
collection of articles. He was thirsty--out there came a pint bottle
of Bass's pale ale, and a silver mug! Hungry--she took out a cold fowl,
some slices of ham, bread, salt, and a most delicious piece of cold
plum-pudding, and a little glass of brandy afterwards.

As they travelled, this plain-looking, queer woman talked to Giglio on
a variety of subjects, in which the poor Prince showed his ignorance as
much as she did her capacity. He owned, with many blushes, how ignorant
he was; on which the lady said, "My dear Gigl--my good Mr. Giles, you
are a young man, and have plenty of time before you. You have nothing to
do but to improve yourself. Who knows but that you may find use for your
knowledge some day? When--when you may be wanted at home, as some people
may be."

"Good heavens, madam!" says he, "do you know me?"

"I know a number of funny things," says the lady. "I have been at some
people's christenings, and turned away from other folks' doors. I have
seen some people spoilt by good fortune, and others, as I hope, improved
by hardship. I advise you to stay at the town where the coach stops for
the night. Stay there and study, and remember your old friend to whom
you were kind."

"And who is my old friend?" asked Giglio.

"When you want anything," says the lady, "look in this bag, which I
leave to you as a present, and be grateful to--"

"To whom, madam?" says he.

"To the Fairy Blackstick," says the lady, flying out of the window. And
then Giglio asked the conductor if he knew where the lady was?

"What lady?" says the man; "there has been no lady in this coach, except
the old woman, who got out at the last stage." And Giglio thought he
had been dreaming. But there was the bag which Blackstick had given him
lying on his lap; and when he came to the town he took it in his hand
and went into the inn.

They gave him a very bad bedroom, and Giglio, when he woke in the
morning, fancying himself in the Royal Palace at home, called, "John,
Charles, Thomas! My chocolate--my dressing-gown--my slippers;" but
nobody came. There was no bell, so he went and bawled out for water on
the top of the stairs.

The landlady came up, looking--looking like this--

"What are you a-hollering and a-bellaring for here, young man?" says
she.

"There's no warm water--no servants; my boots are not even cleaned."

"He, he! Clean 'em yourself," says the landlady. "You young students
give yourselves pretty airs. I never heard such impudence."

"I'll quit the house this instant," says Giglio.

"The sooner the better, young man. Pay your bill and be off. All my
rooms is wanted for gentlefolks, and not for such as you."

"You may well keep the Bear Inn," said Giglio. "You should have yourself
painted as the sign."

The landlady of the Bear went away GROWLING. And Giglio returned to his
room, where the first thing he saw was the fairy bag lying on the table,
which seemed to give a little hop as he came in. "I hope it has some
breakfast in it," says Giglio, "for I have only a very little money
left." But on opening the bag, what do you think was there? A blacking
brush and a pot of Warren's jet, and on the pot was written,

     "Poor young men their boots must black:
     Use me and cork me and put me back."

So Giglio laughed and blacked his boots, and put back the brush and the
bottle into the bag.

When he had done dressing himself, the bag gave another little hop, and
he went to it and took out--

1. A tablecloth and a napkin.

2. A sugar-basin full of the best loaf-sugar.

4, 6, 8, 10. Two forks, two teaspoons, two knives, and a pair of
sugar-tongs, and a butter-knife all marked G.

11, 12, 13. A teacup, saucer, and slop-basin.

14. A jug full of delicious cream.

15. A canister with black tea and green.

16. A large tea-urn and boiling water.

17. A saucepan, containing three eggs nicely done.

18. A quarter of a pound of best Epping butter.

19. A brown loaf.

And if he hadn't enough now for a good breakfast, I should like to know
who ever had one?

Giglio, having had his breakfast, popped all the things back into
the bag, and went out looking for lodgings. I forgot to say that this
celebrated university town was called Bosforo.

He took a modest lodging opposite the Schools, paid his bill at the
inn, and went to his apartment with his trunk, carpet-bag, and not
forgetting, we may be sure, his OTHER bag.

When he opened his trunk, which the day before he had filled with his
best clothes, he found it contained only books. And in the first of them
which he opened there was written--

     "Clothes for the back, books for the head:
     Read, and remember them when they are read."

And in his bag, when Giglio looked in it, he found a student's cap and
gown, a writing-book full of paper, an inkstand, pens, and a Johnson's
dictionary, which was very useful to him, as his spelling had been sadly
neglected.

So he sat down and worked away, very, very hard for a whole year,
during which "Mr. Giles" was quite an example to all the students in the
University of Bosforo. He never got into any riots or disturbances. The
Professors all spoke well of him, and the students liked him too; so
that, when at examination, he took all the prizes, viz.:--

     {The Spelling Prize      {The French Prize
     {The Writing Prize       {The Arithmetic Prize
     {The History Prize       {The Latin Prize
     {The Catechism Prize     {The Good Conduct Prize,

all his fellow-students said, "Hurrah! Hurray for Giles! Giles is
the boy--the student's joy! Hurray for Giles!" And he brought quite a
quantity of medals, crowns, books, and tokens of distinction home to his
lodgings.

One day after the Examinations, as he was diverting himself at a
coffee-house with two friends--(Did I tell you that in his bag, every
Saturday night, he found just enough to pay his bills, with a guinea
over, for pocket-money? Didn't I tell you? Well, he did, as sure as
twice twenty makes forty-five)--he chanced to look in the Bosforo
Chronicle, and read off, quite easily (for he could spell, read, and
write the longest words now), the following:--

"ROMANTIC CIRCUMSTANCE.--One of the most extraordinary adventures that
we have ever heard has set the neighboring country of Crim Tartary in a
state of great excitement.

"It will be remembered that when the present revered sovereign of Crim
Tartary, his Majesty King PADELLA, took possession of the throne, after
having vanquished, in the terrific battle of Blunderbusco, the late
King CAVOLFIORE, that Prince's only child, the Princess Rosalba, was not
found in the royal palace, of which King Padella took possession, and,
it was said, had strayed into the forest (being abandoned by all her
attendants) where she had been eaten up by those ferocious lions, the
last pair of which were captured some time since, and brought to the
Tower, after killing several hundred persons.

"His Majesty King Padella, who has the kindest heart in the world,
was grieved at the accident which had occurred to the harmless little
Princess, for whom his Majesty's known benevolence would certainly have
provided a fitting establishment. But her death seemed to be certain.
The mangled remains of a cloak, and a little shoe, were found in the
forest, during a hunting-party, in which the intrepid sovereign of
Crim Tartary slew two of the lions' cubs with his own spear. And these
interesting relics of an innocent little creature were carried home
and kept by their finder, the Baron Spinachi, formerly an officer in
Cavolfiore's household. The Baron was disgraced in consequence of his
known legitimist opinions, and has lived for some time in the humble
capacity of a wood-cutter, in a forest on the outskirts of the Kingdom
of Crim Tartary.

"Last Tuesday week Baron Spinachi and a number of gentlemen, attached
to the former dynasty, appeared in arms, crying, 'God save Rosalba,
the first Queen of Crim Tartary!' and surrounding a lady whom report
describes as 'BEAUTIFUL EXCEEDINGLY.' Her history MAY be authentic, IS
certainly most romantic.

"The personage calling herself Rosalba states that she was brought out
of the forest, fifteen years since, by a lady in a car drawn by dragons
(this account is certainly IMPROBABLE), that she was left in the Palace
Garden of Blombodinga, where Her Royal Highness the Princess Angelica,
now married to His Royal Highness Bulbo, Crown Prince of Crim Tartary,
found the child, and, with THAT ELEGANT BENEVOLENCE which has always
distinguished the heiress of the throne of Paflagonia, gave the little
outcast a SHELTER AND A HOME! Her parentage not being known, and her
garb very humble, the foundling was educated in the Palace in a menial
capacity, under the name of BETSINDA.

"She did not give satisfaction, and was dismissed, carrying with her,
certainly, part of a mantle and a shoe, which she had on when first
found. According to her statement she quitted Blombodinga about a year
ago, since which time she has been with the Spinachi family. On the
very same morning the Prince Giglio, nephew to the King of Paflagonia,
a young Prince whose character for TALENT and ORDER were, to say truth,
NONE OF THE HIGHEST, also quitted Blombodinga, and has not been since
heard of!"

"What an extraordinary story!" said Smith and Jones, two young students,
Giglio's especial friends.

"Ha! what is this?" Giglio went on, reading:--

"SECOND EDITION, EXPRESS.--We hear that the troop under Baron Spinachi
has been surrounded, and utterly routed, by General Count Hogginarmo,
and the soi-disant Princess is sent a prisoner to the capital.

"UNIVERSITY NEWS.--Yesterday, at the Schools, the distinguished young
student, Mr. Giles, read a Latin oration, and was complimented by
the Chancellor of Bosforo, Dr. Prugnaro, with the highest University
honor--the wooden spoon."

"Never mind that stuff," says GILES, greatly disturbed. "Come home
with me, my friends. Gallant Smith! intrepid Jones! friends of my
studies--partakers of my academic toils--I have that to tell which shall
astonish your honest minds."

"Go it, old boy!" cries the impetuous Smith.

"Talk away, my buck!" says Jones, a lively fellow.

With an air of indescribable dignity, Giglio checked their natural, but
no more seemly, familiarity. "Jones, Smith, my good friends," said the
PRINCE, "disguise is henceforth useless; I am no more the humble student
Giles, I am the descendant of a royal line."

"Atavis edite regibus. I know, old co--" cried Jones. He was going to
say old cock, but a flash from THE ROYAL EYE again awed him.

"Friends," continued the Prince, "I am that Giglio: I am, in fact,
Paflagonia. Rise, Smith, and kneel not in the public street. Jones, thou
true heart! My faithless uncle, when I was a baby, filched from me that
brave crown my father left me, bred me, all young and careless of my
rights, like unto hapless Hamlet, Prince of Denmark; and had I any
thoughts about my wrongs, soothed me with promises of near redress. I
should espouse his daughter, young Angelica; we two indeed should reign
in Paflagonia. His words were false--false as Angelica's heart!--false
as Angelica's hair, color, front teeth! She looked with her skew eyes
upon young Bulbo, Crim Tartary's stupid heir, and she preferred him.
Twas then I turned my eyes upon Betsinda--Rosalba, as she now is. And
I saw in her the blushing sum of all perfection; the pink of maiden
modesty; the nymph that my fond heart had ever woo'd in dreams," &c. &c.

(I don't give this speech, which was very fine, but very long; and
though Smith and Jones knew nothing about the circumstances, my dear
reader does, so I go on.)

The Prince and his young friends hastened home to his apartment,
highly excited by the intelligence, as no doubt by the ROYAL NARRATOR'S
admirable manner of recounting it, and they ran up to his room where he
had worked so hard at his books.

On his writing-table was his bag, grown so long that the Prince could
not help remarking it. He went to it, opened it, and what do you think
he found in it?

A splendid long, gold-handled, red-velvet-scabbarded, cut-and-thrust
sword, and on the sheath was embroidered "ROSALBA FOR EVER!"

He drew out the sword, which flashed and illuminated the whole room, and
called out "Rosalba for ever!" Smith and Jones following him, but quite
respectfully this time, and taking the time from His Royal Highness.

And now his trunk opened with a sudden pong, and out there came three
ostrich feathers in a gold crown, surrounding a beautiful shining steel
helmet, a cuirass, a pair of spurs, finally a complete suit of armor.

The books on Giglio's shelves were all gone. Where there had been some
great dictionaries, Giglio's friends found two pairs of jack-boots
labelled, "Lieutenant Smith," "---- Jones, Esq.," which fitted them to
a nicety. Besides, there were helmets, back and breast plates, swords,
&c., just like in Mr. G. P. R. James's novels; and that evening three
cavaliers might have been seen issuing from the gates of Bosforo, in
whom the porters, proctors, &c., never thought of recognising the young
Prince and his friends.

They got horses at a livery stable-keeper's, and never drew bridle
until they reached the last town on the frontier before you come to Crim
Tartary. Here, as their animals were tired, and the cavaliers hungry,
they stopped and refreshed at an hostel. I could make a chapter of this
if I were like some writers, but I like to cram my measure tight down,
you see, and give you a great deal for your money, and, in a word, they
had some bread and cheese and ale upstairs on the balcony of the inn.
As they were drinking, drums and trumpets sounded nearer and nearer,
the marketplace was filled with soldiers, and His Royal Highness looking
forth, recognised the Paflagonian banners, and the Paflagonian national
air which the bands were playing.

The troops all made for the tavern at once, and as they came up Giglio
exclaimed, on beholding their leader, "Whom do I see? Yes!--no! It
is, it is!--Phoo!--No, it can't be! Yes! it is my friend, my gallant
faithful veteran, Captain Hedzoff! Ho, Hedzoff! Knowest thou not thy
Prince, thy Giglio? Good Corporal, methinks we once were friends. Ha,
Sergeant, an my memory serves me right, we have had many a bout at
singlestick."

"I' faith, we have, a many, good my Lord," says the Sergeant.

"Tell me, what means this mighty armament," continued His Royal Highness
from the balcony, "and whither march my Paflagonians?"

Hedzoff's head fell. "My Lord," he said, "we march as the allies of
great Padella, Crim Tartary's monarch."

"Crim Tartary's usurper, gallant Hedzoff! Crim Tartary's grim tyrant,
honest Hedzoff!" said the Prince, on the balcony, quite sarcastically.

"A soldier, Prince, must needs obey his orders: mine are to help his
Majesty Padella. And also (though alack that I should say it!) to seize
wherever I should light upon him--"

"First catch your hare! ha, Hedzoff!" exclaimed His Royal Highness.

"--On the body of GIGLIO, whilome Prince of Paflagonia" Hedzoff went on,
with indescribable emotion. "My Prince, give up your sword without ado.
Look! we are thirty thousand men to one!"

"Give up my sword! Giglio give up his sword!" cried the Prince; and
stepping well forward on to the balcony, the royal youth, WITHOUT
PREPARATION, delivered a speech so magnificent, that no report can do
justice to it. It was all in blank verse (in which, from this time, he
invariably spoke, as more becoming his majestic station). It lasted for
three days and three nights, during which not a single person who heard
him was tired, or remarked the difference between daylight and dark.
The soldiers only cheering tremendously, when occasionally, once in nine
hours, the Prince paused to suck an orange, which Jones took out of the
bag. He explained, in terms which we say we shall not attempt to convey,
the whole history of the previous transaction, and his determination not
only not to give up his sword, but to assume his rightful crown; and
at the end of this extraordinary, this truly GIGANTIC effort, Captain
Hedzoff flung up his helmet, and cried, "Hurray! Hurray! Long live King
Giglio!"

Such were the consequences of having employed his time well at College!

When the excitement had ceased, beer was ordered out for the army, and
their Sovereign himself did not disdain a little! And now it was with
some alarm that Captain Hedzoff told him his division was only the
advanced guard of the Paflagonian contingent, hastening to King
Padella's aid; the main force being a day's march in the rear under His
Royal Highness Prince Bulbo.

"We will wait here, good friend, to beat the Prince," his Majesty said,
"and THEN will make his royal father wince."


XV. WE RETURN TO ROSALBA.


King Padella made very similar proposals to Rosalba to those which she
had received from the various princes who, as we have seen, had fallen
in love with her. His Majesty was a widower, and offered to marry his
fair captive that instant, but she declined his invitation in her usual
polite gentle manner, stating that Prince Giglio was her love, and
that any other union was out of the question. Having tried tears and
supplications in vain, this violent-tempered monarch menaced her with
threats and tortures; but she declared she would rather suffer all these
than accept the hand of her father's murderer, who left her finally,
uttering the most awful imprecations, and bidding her prepare for death
on the following morning.

All night long the King spent in advising how he should get rid of this
obdurate young creature. Cutting off her head was much too easy a death
for her; hanging was so common in his Majesty's dominions that it no
longer afforded him any sport; finally, he bethought himself of a pair
of fierce lions which had lately been sent to him as presents, and he
determined, with these ferocious brutes, to hunt poor Rosalba down.
Adjoining his castle was an amphitheatre where the Prince indulged in
bull-baiting, rat-hunting, and other ferocious sports. The two lions
were kept in a cage under this place; their roaring might be heard over
the whole city, the inhabitants of which, I am sorry to say, thronged in
numbers to see a poor young lady gobbled up by two wild beasts.

The King took his place in the royal box, having the officers of his
Court around and the Count Hogginarmo by his side, upon whom his Majesty
was observed to look very fiercely: the fact is, royal spies had told
the monarch of Hogginarmo's behavior, his proposals to Rosalba, and his
offer to fight for the crown. Black as thunder looked King Padella at
this proud noble, as they sat in the front seats of the theatre waiting
to see the tragedy whereof poor Rosalba was to be the heroine.

At length that Princess was brought out in her nightgown, with all her
beautiful hair falling down her back, and looking so pretty that even
the beef-eaters and keepers of the wild animals wept plentifully at
seeing her. And she walked with her poor little feet (only luckily the
arena was covered with sawdust), and went and leaned up against a great
stone in the centre of the amphitheatre, round which the Court and the
people were seated in boxes, with bars before them, for fear of
the great, fierce, red-maned, black-throated, long-tailed, roaring,
bellowing, rushing lions.

And now the gates were opened, and with a "Wurrawarrurawarar!" two great
lean, hungry, roaring lions rushed out of their den, where they had been
kept for three weeks on nothing but a little toast-and-water, and dashed
straight up to the stone where poor Rosalba was waiting. Commend her to
your patron saints, all you kind people, for she is in a dreadful state!

There was a hum and a buzz all through the circus, and the fierce King
Padella even felt a little compassion. But Count Hogginarmo, seated by
his Majesty, roared out "Hurray! Now for it! Soo-soo-soo!" that nobleman
being uncommonly angry still at Rosalba's refusal of him.

But, O strange event! O remarkable circumstance! O extraordinary
coincidence, which I am sure none of you could BY ANY POSSIBILITY have
divined! When the lions came to Rosalba, instead of devouring her with
their great teeth, it was with kisses they gobbled her up! They licked
her pretty feet, they nuzzled their noses in her lap, they moo'd, they
seemed to say, "Dear, dear sister don't you recollect your brothers in
the forest?" And she put her pretty white arms round their tawny necks,
and kissed them.

King Padella was immensely astonished. The Count Hogginarmo was
extremely disgusted. "Pooh!" the Count cried. "Gammon!" exclaimed his
Lordship. "These lions are tame beasts come from Wombwell's or Astley's.
It is a shame to put people off in this way. I believe they are little
boys dressed up in door-mats. They are no lions at all."

"Ha!" said the King, "you dare to say 'Gammon!' to your Sovereign, do
you? These lions are no lions at all, aren't they? Ho! my beef-eaters!
Ho! my bodyguard! Take this Count Hogginarmo and fling him into the
circus! Give him a sword and buckler, let him keep his armor on, and his
weather-eye out, and fight these lions."

The haughty Hogginarmo laid down his opera-glass, and looked scowling
round at the King and his attendants. "Touch me not, dogs!" he said,
"or by St. Nicholas the Elder, I will gore you! Your Majesty thinks
Hogginarmo is afraid? No, not of a hundred thousand lions! Follow me
down into the circus, King Padella, and match thyself against one of
yon brutes. Thou darest not. Let them both come on, then!" And opening a
grating of the box, he jumped lightly down into the circus.

                WURRA WURRA WURRA WUR-AW-AW-AW!!!
                     In about two minutes
                   The Count Hogginarmo was
                          GOBBLED UP
                              by
                         those lions,
                     bones, boots, and all,
                             and
                         There was an
                          End of him.

At this, the King said, "Serve him right, the rebellious ruffian! And
now, as those lions won't eat that young woman--"

"Let her off!--let her off!" cried the crowd.

"NO!" roared the King. "Let the beef-eaters go down and chop her into
small pieces. If the lions defend her, let the archers shoot them to
death. That hussy shall die in tortures!"

"A-a-ah!" cried the crowd. "Shame! shame!"

"Who dares cry out 'Shame?'" cried the furious potentate (so little can
tyrants command their passions). "Fling any scoundrel who says a word
down among the lions!" I warrant you there was a dead silence then,
which was broken by a "Pang arang pang pangkarangpang!" and a Knight and
a Herald rode in at the further end of the circus; the Knight, in full
armor, with his vizor up, and bearing a letter on the point of his
lance.

"Ha!" exclaimed the King, "by my fay, 'tis Elephant and Castle,
pursuivant of my brother of Paflagonia; and the Knight, an my memory
serves me, is the gallant Captain Hedzoff! What news from Paflagonia,
gallant Hedzoff? Elephant and Castle, beshrew me, thy trumpeting must
have made thee thirsty. What will my trusty herald like to drink?"

"Bespeaking first safe conduct from your Lordship," said Captain
Hedzoff, "before we take a drink of anything, permit us to deliver our
King's message."

"My Lordship, ha!" said Crim Tartary, frowning terrifically. "That title
soundeth strange in the anointed ears of a crowned King. Straightway
speak out your message, Knight and Herald!"

Reining up his charger in a most elegant manner close under the King's
balcony, Hedzoff turned to the Herald, and bade him begin.

Elephant and Castle, dropping his trumpet over his shoulder, took a
large sheet of paper out of his hat, and began to read:--

"O Yes! O Yes! O Yes! Know all men by these presents, that we, Giglio,
King of Paflagonia, Grand Duke of Cappadocia, Sovereign Prince of Turkey
and the Sausage Islands, having assumed our rightful throne and title,
long time falsely borne by our usurping Uncle, styling himself King of
Paflagonia--"

"Ha!" growled Padella.

"Hereby summon the false traitor, Padella, calling himself King of Crim
Tartary--"

The King's curses were dreadful. "Go on, Elephant and Castle!" said the
intrepid Hedzoff.

"--To release from cowardly imprisonment his liege lady and rightful
Sovereign, ROSALBA, Queen of Crim Tartary, and restore her to her royal
throne: in default of which, I, Giglio, proclaim the said Padella sneak,
traitor, humbug, usurper, and coward. I challenge him to meet me, with
fists or with pistols, with battle-axe or sword, with blunderbuss or
single-stick, alone or at the head of his army, on foot or on horseback;
and will prove my words upon his wicked ugly body!"

"God save the King!" said Captain Hedzoff, executing a demivolte, two
semilunes, and three caracols.

"Is that all?" said Padella, with the terrific calm of concentrated
fury.

"That, sir, is all my royal master's message. Here is his Majesty's
letter in autograph, and here is his glove, and if any gentleman of
Crim Tartary chooses to find fault with his Majesty's expressions, I,
Kustasoff Hedzoff, Captain of the Guard, am very much at his service,"
and he waved his lance, and looked at the assembly all round.

"And what says my good brother of Paflagonia, my dear son's
father-in-law, to this rubbish?" asked the King.

"The King's uncle hath been deprived of the crown he unjustly wore,"
said Hedzoff gravely. "He and his ex-minister, Glumboso, are now in
prison waiting the sentence of my royal master. After the battle of
Bombardaro--"

"Of what?" asked the surprised Padella.

"--Of Bombardaro, where my liege, his present Majesty, would have
performed prodigies of valor, but that the whole of his uncle's army
came over to our side, with the exception of Prince Bulbo--"

"Ah! my boy, my boy, my Bulbo was no traitor!" cried Padella.

"Prince Bulbo, far from coming over to us, ran away, sir; but I caught
him. The Prince is a prisoner in our army, and the most terrific
tortures await him if a hair of the Princess Rosalba's head is injured."

"Do they?" exclaimed the furious Padella, who was now perfectly LIVID
with rage. "Do they indeed? So much the worse for Bulbo. I've twenty
sons as lovely each as Bulbo. Not one but is as fit to reign as Bulbo.
Whip, whack, flog, starve, rack, punish, torture Bulbo--break all his
bones--roast him or flay him alive--pull all his pretty teeth out one by
one! But justly dear as Bulbo is to me,--joy of my eyes, fond treasure
of my soul!--Ha, ha, ha, ha! revenge is dearer still. Ho! tortures,
rack-men, executioners--light up the fires and make the pincers hot! get
lots of boiling lead!--Bring out ROSALBA!"


XVI. HOW HEDZOFF RODE BACK AGAIN TO KING GIGLIO.


Captain Hedzoff rode away when King Padella uttered this cruel command,
having done his duty in delivering the message with which his royal
master had entrusted him. Of course he was very sorry for Rosalba, but
what could he do?

So he returned to King Giglio's camp, and found the young monarch in a
disturbed state of mind, smoking cigars in the royal tent. His
Majesty's agitation was not appeased by the news that was brought by
his ambassador. "The brutal, ruthless ruffian royal wretch!" Giglio
exclaimed. "As England's poesy has well remarked, 'The man that lays
his hand upon a woman, save in the way of kindness, is a villain.' Ha,
Hedzoff!"

"That he is, your Majesty," said the attendant.

"And didst thou see her flung into the oil? and didn't the soothing
oil--the emollient oil, refuse to boil, good Hedzoff--and to spoil the
fairest lady ever eyes did look on?"

"'Faith, good my liege, I had no heart to look and see a beauteous lady
boiling down; I took your royal message to Padella, and bore his back
to you. I told him you would hold Prince Bulbo answerable. He only said
that he had twenty sons as good as Bulbo, and forthwith he bade the
ruthless executioners proceed."

"O cruel father--O unhappy son!" cried the King. "Go, some of you, and
bring Prince Bulbo hither."

Bulbo was brought in chains, looking very uncomfortable. Though a
prisoner, he had been tolerably happy, perhaps because his mind was at
rest, and all the fighting was over, and he was playing at marbles with
his guards when the King sent for him.

"Oh, my poor Bulbo," said his Majesty, with looks of infinite
compassion, "hast thou heard the news?" (for you see Giglio wanted to
break the thing gently to the Prince), "thy brutal father has condemned
Rosalba--p-p-p-ut her to death, P-p-p-prince Bulbo!"

"What, killed Betsinda! Boo-hoo-hoo," cried out Bulbo. "Betsinda! pretty
Betsinda! dear Betsinda! She was the dearest little girl in the world.
I love her better twenty thousand times even than Angelica." And he went
on expressing his grief in so hearty and unaffected a manner that the
King was quite touched by it, and said, shaking Bulbo's hand, that he
wished he had known Bulbo sooner.

Bulbo, quite unconsciously, and meaning for the best, offered to come
and sit with his Majesty, and smoke a cigar with him, and console him.
The ROYAL KINDNESS supplied Bulbo with a cigar; he had not had one, he
said, since he was taken prisoner.

And now think what must have been the feelings of the most MERCIFUL OF
MONARCHS, when he informed his prisoner that, in consequence of King
Padella's CRUEL AND DASTARDLY BEHAVIOR to Rosalba, Prince Bulbo must
instantly be executed! The noble Giglio could not restrain his tears,
nor could the Grenadiers, nor the officers, nor could Bulbo himself,
when the matter was explained to him, and he was brought to understand
that his Majesty's promise, of course, was ABOVE EVERYTHING, and Bulbo
must submit. So poor Bulbo was led out, Hedzoff trying to console him,
by pointing out that if he had won the battle of Bombardaro, he might
have hanged Prince Giglio. "Yes! But that is no comfort to me now!" said
poor Bulbo; nor indeed was it, poor fellow!

He was told the business would be done the next morning at eight, and
was taken back to his dungeon, where every attention was paid to him.
The gaoler's wife sent him tea, and the turnkey's daughter begged him
to write his name in her album, where a many gentlemen had written it on
like occasions! "Bother your album!" says Bulbo. The Undertaker came and
measured him for the handsomest coffin which money could buy: even this
didn't console Bulbo. The Cook brought him dishes which he once used to
like; but he wouldn't touch them: he sat down and began writing an adieu
to Angelica, as the clock kept always ticking, and the hands drawing
nearer to next morning. The Barber came in at night, and offered to
shave him for the next day. Prince Bulbo kicked him away, and went
on writing a few words to Princess Angelica, as the clock kept always
ticking, and the hands hopping nearer and nearer to next morning. He got
up on the top of a hatbox, on the top of a chair, on the top of his bed,
on the top of his table, and looked out to see whether he might escape
as the clock kept always ticking and the hands drawing nearer, and
nearer, and nearer.

But looking out of the window was one thing, and jumping another: and
the town clock struck seven. So he got into bed for a little sleep, but
the gaoler came and woke him, and said, "Git up, your Royal Ighness, if
you please, it's TEN MINUTES TO EIGHT!"

So poor Bulbo got up: he had gone to bed in his clothes (the lazy boy),
and he shook himself, and said he didn't mind about dressing, or having
any breakfast, thank you; and he saw the soldiers who had come for him.
"Lead on!" he said; and they led the way, deeply affected; and they came
into the courtyard, and out into the square, and there was King Giglio
come to take leave of him, and his Majesty most kindly shook hands with
him, and the GLOOMY PROCESSION marched on:--when hark!

"Haw--wurraw--wurraw--aworr!"

A roar of wild beasts was heard. And who should come riding into the
town, frightening away the boys, and even the beadle and policeman, but
ROSALBA!

The fact is, that when Captain Hedzoff entered into the court of
Snapdragon Castle, and was discoursing with King Padella, the Lions made
a dash at the open gate, gobbled up the six beef-eaters in a jiffy, and
away they went with Rosalba on the back of one of them, and they carried
her, turn and turn about, till they came to the city where Prince
Giglio's army was encamped.

When the KING heard of the QUEEN'S arrival, you may think how he rushed
out of his breakfast-room to hand her Majesty off her Lion! The Lions
were grown as fat as pigs now, having had Hogginarmo and all those
beef-eaters, and were so tame, anybody might pat them.

While Giglio knelt (most gracefully) and helped the Princess, Bulbo,
for his part, rushed up and kissed the Lion. He flung his arms round the
forest monarch; he hugged him, and laughed and cried for joy. "Oh, you
darling old beast--oh, how glad I am to see you, and the dear, dear
Bets--that is, Rosalba."

"What, is it you, poor Bulbo?" said the Queen. "Oh, how glad I am to see
you," and she gave him her hand to kiss. King Giglio slapped him most
kindly on the back, and said, "Bulbo, my boy, I am delighted, for your
sake, that her Majesty has arrived."

"So am I," said Bulbo; "and YOU KNOW WHY." Captain Hedzoff here came up.
"Sire, it is half-past eight: shall we proceed with the execution?"

"Execution! what for?" asked Bulbo.

"An officer only knows his orders," replied Captain Hedzoff, showing his
warrant: on which his Majesty King Giglio smilingly said Prince Bulbo
was reprieved this time, and most graciously invited him to breakfast.


XVII. HOW A TREMENDOUS BATTLE TOOK PLACE, AND WHO WON IT.


As soon as King Padella heard--what we know already--that his victim,
the lovely Rosalba, had escaped him, his Majesty's fury knew no bounds,
and he pitched the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chamberlain, and every officer
of the Crown whom he could set eyes on, into the cauldron of boiling oil
prepared for the Princess. Then he ordered out his whole army, horse,
foot, and artillery; and set forth at the head of an innumerable host,
and I should think twenty thousand drummers, trumpeters, and fifers.

King Giglio's advance guard, you may be sure, kept that monarch
acquainted with the enemy's dealings, and he was in nowise disconcerted.
He was much too polite to alarm the Princess, his lovely guest, with
any unnecessary rumors of battles impending; on the contrary, he did
everything to amuse and divert her; gave her a most elegant breakfast,
dinner, lunch, and got up a ball for her that evening, when he danced
with her every single dance.

Poor Bulbo was taken into favor again, and allowed to go quite free
now. He had new clothes given him, was called "My good cousin" by his
Majesty, and was treated with the greatest distinction by everybody.
But it was easy to see he was very melancholy. The fact is, the sight of
Betsinda, who looked perfectly lovely in an elegant new dress, set
poor Bulbo frantic in love with her again. And he never thought about
Angelica, now Princess Bulbo, whom he had left at home, and who, as we
know, did not care much about him.

The King, dancing the twenty-fifth polka with Rosalba, remarked with
wonder the ring she wore; and then Rosalba told him how she had got it
from Gruffanuff, who no doubt had picked it up when Angelica flung it
away.

"Yes," says the Fairy Blackstick, who had come to see the young people,
and who had very likely certain plans regarding them--"that ring I gave
the Queen, Giglio's mother, who was not, saving your presence, a very
wise woman: it is enchanted, and whoever wears it looks beautiful in the
eyes of the world. I made poor Prince Bulbo, when he was christened, the
present of a rose which made him look handsome while he had it; but he
gave it to Angelica, who instantly looked beautiful again, whilst Bulbo
relapsed into his natural plainness."

"Rosalba needs no ring, I am sure," says Giglio, with a low bow. "She is
beautiful enough, in my eyes, without any enchanted aid."

"Oh, sir!" said Rosalba.

"Take off the ring and try," said the King, and resolutely drew the ring
off her finger. In HIS eyes she looked just as handsome as before!

The King was thinking of throwing the ring away, as it was so dangerous
and made all the people so mad about Rosalba; but being a Prince of
great humor, and good humor too, he cast eyes upon a poor youth who
happened to be looking on very disconsolately, and said--

"Bulbo, my poor lad! come and try on this ring. The Princess Rosalba
makes it a present to you." The magic properties of this ring were
uncommonly strong, for no sooner had Bulbo put it on, but lo and behold,
he appeared a personable, agreeable young Prince enough--with a fine
complexion, fair hair, rather stout, and with bandy legs; but these were
encased in such a beautiful pair of yellow morocco boots that nobody
remarked them. And Bulbo's spirits rose up almost immediately after he
had looked in the glass, and he talked to their Majesties in the most
lively, agreeable manner, and danced opposite the Queen with one of the
prettiest maids of honor, and after looking at her Majesty, could
not help saying, "How very odd! she is very pretty, but not so
EXTRAORDINARILY handsome." "Oh no, by no means!" says the Maid of Honor.

"But what care I, dear sir," says the Queen, who overheard them, "if YOU
think I am good-looking enough?"

His Majesty's glance in reply to this affectionate speech was such that
no painter could draw it. And the Fairy Blackstick said, "Bless you, my
darling children! Now you are united and happy; and now you see what I
said from the first, that a little misfortune has done you both good.
YOU, Giglio, had you been bred in prosperity, would scarcely have
learned to read or write--you would have been idle and extravagant, and
could not have been a good King as now you will be. You, Rosalba, would
have been so flattered, that your little head might have been turned
like Angelica's, who thought herself too good for Giglio."

"As if anybody could be good enough for HIM," cried Rosalba.

"Oh, you, you darling!" says Giglio. And so she was; and he was just
holding out his arms in order to give her a hug before the whole
company, when a messenger came rushing in, and said, "My Lord, the
enemy!"

"To arms!" cries Giglio.

"Oh, mercy!" says Rosalba, and fainted of course. He snatched one kiss
from her lips, and rushed FORTH TO THE FIELD of battle!


The Fairy had provided King Giglio with a suit of armor, which was not
only embroidered all over with jewels, and blinding to your eyes to
look at, but was water-proof, gun-proof, and sword-proof; so that in the
midst of the very hottest battles his Majesty rode about as calmly as if
he had been a British Grenadier at Alma. Were I engaged in fighting for
my country, I should like such a suit of armor as Prince Giglio wore;
but, you know, he was a Prince of a fairy tale, and they always have
these wonderful things.

Besides the fairy armor, the Prince had a fairy horse, which would
gallop at any pace you pleased; and a fairy sword, which would lengthen
and run through a whole regiment of enemies at once. With such a weapon
at command, I wonder, for my part, he thought of ordering his army out;
but forth they all came, in magnificent new uniforms, Hedzoff and the
Prince's two college friends each commanding a division, and his Majesty
prancing in person at the head of them all.

Ah! if I had the pen of a Sir Archibald Alison, my dear friends, would
I not now entertain you with the account of a most tremendous shindy?
Should not fine blows be struck? dreadful wounds be delivered? arrows
darken the air? cannon balls crash through the battalions? cavalry
charge infantry? infantry pitch into cavalry? bugles blow; drums beat;
horses neigh; fifes sing; soldiers roar, swear, hurray; officers shout
out, "Forward, my men!" "This way, lads!" "Give it 'em, boys!" "Fight
for King Giglio, and the cause of right!" "King Padella for ever!" Would
I not describe all this, I say, and in the very finest language too? But
this humble pen does not possess the skill necessary for the description
of combats. In a word, the overthrow of King Padella's army was so
complete, that if they had been Russians you could not have wished them
to be more utterly smashed and confounded.

As for that usurping monarch, having performed acts of valor much more
considerable than could be expected of a royal ruffian and usurper,
who had such a bad cause, and who was so cruel to women,--as for King
Padella, I say, when his army ran away, the King ran away too, kicking
his first general, Prince Punchikoff, from his saddle, and galloping
away on the Prince's horse, having, indeed, had twenty-five or
twenty-six of his own shot under him. Hedzoff coming up, and finding
Punchikoff down, as you may imagine, very speedily disposed of HIM.
Meanwhile King Padella was scampering off as hard as his horse could
lay legs to ground. Fast as he scampered, I promise you somebody else
galloped faster; and that individual, as no doubt you are aware, was the
Royal Giglio, who kept bawling out, "Stay, traitor! Turn, miscreant, and
defend thyself! Stand, tyrant, coward, ruffian, royal wretch, till I cut
thy ugly head from thy usurping shoulders!" And, with his fairy sword,
which elongated itself at will, his Majesty kept poking and prodding
Padella in the back, until that wicked monarch roared with anguish.

When he was fairly brought to bay, Padella turned and dealt Prince
Giglio a prodigious crack over the sconce with his battle-axe, a most
enormous weapon, which had cut down I don't know how many regiments in
the course of the afternoon. But, law bless you! though the blow fell
right down on his Majesty's helmet, it made no more impression than if
Padella had struck him with a pat of butter: his battle-axe crumpled up
in Padella's hand, and the Royal Giglio laughed for very scorn at the
impotent efforts of that atrocious usurper.

At the ill success of his blow the Crim Tartar monarch was justly
irritated. "If," says he to Giglio, "you ride a fairy horse, and wear
fairy armor, what on earth is the use of my hitting you? I may as well
give myself up a prisoner at once. Your Majesty won't, I suppose, be so
mean as to strike a poor fellow who can't strike again?"

The justice of Padella's remark struck the magnanimous Giglio. "Do you
yield yourself a prisoner, Padella?" says he.

"Of course I do," says Padella.

"Do you acknowledge Rosalba as your rightful Queen, and give up the
crown and all your treasures to your rightful mistress?"

"If I must, I must," says Padella, who was naturally very sulky.

By this time King Giglio's aides-de-camp had come up, whom his Majesty
ordered to bind the prisoner. And they tied his hands behind him, and
bound his legs tight under his horse, having set him with his face to
the tail; and in this fashion he was led back to King Giglio's quarters,
and thrust into the very dungeon where young Bulbo had been confined.

Padella (who was a very different person in the depth of his distress,
to Padella, the proud wearer of the Crim Tartar crown), now most
affectionately and earnestly asked to see his son--his dear eldest
boy--his darling Bulbo; and that good-natured young man never once
reproached his haughty parent for his unkind conduct the day before,
when he would have left Bulbo to be shot without any pity, but came to
see his father, and spoke to him through the grating of the door, beyond
which he was not allowed to go; and brought him some sandwiches from the
grand supper which his Majesty was giving above stairs, in honor of the
brilliant victory which had just been achieved.

"I cannot stay with you long, sir," says Bulbo, who was in his best ball
dress, as he handed his father in the prog. "I am engaged to dance the
next quadrille with her Majesty Queen Rosalba, and I hear the fiddles
playing at this very moment."

So Bulbo went back to the ball-room and the wretched Padella ate his
solitary supper in silence and tears.


All was now joy in King Giglio's circle. Dancing, feasting, fun,
illuminations, and jollifications of all sorts ensued. The people
through whose villages they passed were ordered to illuminate their
cottages at night, and scatter flowers on the roads during the day. They
were requested--and I promise you they did not like to refuse--to serve
the troops liberally with eatables and wine; besides, the army was
enriched by the immense quantity of plunder which was found in King
Padella's camp, and taken from his soldiers; who (after they had given
up everything) were allowed to fraternize with the conquerors; and the
united forces marched back by easy stages towards King Giglio's capital,
his royal banner and that of Queen Rosalba being carried in front of
the troops. Hedzoff was made a Duke and a Field Marshal. Smith and Jones
were promoted to be Earls; the Crim Tartar Order of the Pumpkin and the
Paflagonian decoration of the Cucumber were freely distributed by their
Majesties to the army. Queen Rosalba wore the Paflagonian Ribbon of
the Cucumber across her riding-habit, whilst King Giglio never appeared
without the grand Cordon of the Pumpkin. How the people cheered them as
they rode along side by side! They were pronounced to be the handsomest
couple ever seen: that was a matter of course; but they really WERE very
handsome, and, had they been otherwise, would have looked so, they were
so happy! Their Majesties were never separated during the whole day, but
breakfasted, dined, and supped together always, and rode side by side,
interchanging elegant compliments, and indulging in the most delightful
conversation. At night, her Majesty's ladies of honor (who had all
rallied round her the day after King Padella's defeat) came and
conducted her to the apartments prepared for her; whilst King Giglio,
surrounded by his gentlemen, withdrew to his own Royal quarters. It was
agreed they should be married as soon as they reached the capital, and
orders were dispatched to the Archbishop of Blombodinga, to hold himself
in readiness to perform the interesting ceremony. Duke Hedzoff carried
the message, and gave instructions to have the Royal Castle splendidly
refurnished and painted afresh. The Duke seized Glumboso, the Ex-Prime
Minister, and made him refund that considerable sum of money which the
old scoundrel had secreted out of the late King's treasure. He also
clapped Valoroso into prison (who, by the way, had been dethroned
for some considerable period past), and when the ex-monarch weakly
remonstrated, Hedzoff said, "A soldier, sir, knows but his duty; my
orders are to lock you up along with the ex-King Padella, whom I have
brought hither a prisoner under guard." So these two ex-Royal personages
were sent for a year to the House of Correction, and thereafter were
obliged to become monks of the severest Order of Flagellants, in which
state, by fasting, by vigils, by flogging (which they administered
to one another, humbly but resolutely), no doubt they exhibited a
repentance for their past misdeeds, usurpations, and private and public
crimes.

As for Glumboso, that rogue was sent to the galleys, and never had an
opportunity to steal any more.


XVIII. HOW THEY ALL JOURNEYED BACK TO THE CAPITAL.


The Fairy Blackstick, by whose means this young King and Queen had
certainly won their respective crowns back, would come not unfrequently,
to pay them a little visit--as they were riding in their triumphal
progress towards Giglio's capital--change her wand into a pony, and
travel by their Majesties' side, giving them the very best advice. I am
not sure that King Giglio did not think the Fairy and her advice rather
a bore, fancying it was his own valor and merits which had put him on
his throne, and conquered Padella: and, in fine, I fear he rather gave
himself airs towards his best friend and patroness. She exhorted him to
deal justly by his subjects, to draw mildly on the taxes, never to break
his promise when he had once given it--and in all respects to be a good
King.

"A good King, my dear Fairy!" cries Rosalba. "Of course he will. Break
his promise! can you fancy my Giglio would ever do anything so improper,
so unlike him? No! never!" And she looked fondly towards Giglio, whom
she thought a pattern of perfection.

"Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and telling me how to
manage my government, and warning me to keep my word? Does she suppose
that I am not a man of sense, and a man of honor?" asks Giglio testily.
"Methinks she rather presumes upon her position."

"Hush! dear Giglio," says Rosalba. "You know Blackstick has been very
kind to us, and we must not offend her." But the Fairy was not listening
to Giglio's testy observations, she had fallen back, and was trotting
on her pony now, by Master Bulbo's side, who rode a donkey, and made
himself generally beloved in the army by his cheerfulness, kindness, and
good-humor to everybody. He was eager to see his darling Angelica. He
thought there never was such a charming being. Blackstick did not tell
him it was the possession of the magic rose that made Angelica so lovely
in his eyes. She brought him the very best accounts of his little wife,
whose misfortunes and humiliations had indeed very greatly improved
her; and, you see, she could whisk off on her wand a hundred miles in a
minute, and be back in no time, and so carry polite messages from Bulbo
to Angelica, and from Angelica to Bulbo, and comfort that young man upon
his journey.

When the Royal party arrived at the last stage before you reach
Blombodinga, who should be in waiting, in her carriage there with her
lady of honor by her side, but the Princess Angelica? She rushed into
her husband's arms, scarcely stopping to make a passing curtsey to the
King and Queen. She had no eyes but for Bulbo, who appeared perfectly
lovely to her on account of the fairy ring which he wore; whilst she
herself, wearing the magic rose in her bonnet, seemed entirely beautiful
to the enraptured Bulbo.

A splendid luncheon was served to the Royal party, of which the
Archbishop, the Chancellor, Duke Hedzoff, Countess Gruffanuff, and all
our friends partook, the Fairy Blackstick being seated on the left of
King Giglio, with Bulbo and Angelica beside her. You could hear the
joy-bells ringing in the capital, and the guns which the citizens were
firing off in honor of their Majesties.

"What can have induced that hideous old Gruffanuff to dress herself up
in such an absurd way? Did you ask her to be your bridesmaid, my dear?"
says Giglio to Rosalba. "What a figure of fun Gruffy is!"

Gruffy was seated opposite their Majesties, between the Archbishop and
the Lord Chancellor, and a figure of fun she certainly was, for she was
dressed in a low white silk dress, with lace over, a wreath of white
roses on her wig, a splendid lace veil, and her yellow old neck was
covered with diamonds. She ogled the King in such a manner that his
Majesty burst out laughing.

"Eleven o'clock!" cries Giglio, as the great Cathedral bell of
Blombodinga tolled that hour. "Gentlemen and ladies, we must be
starting. Archbishop, you must be at church, I think, before twelve?"

"We must be at church before twelve," sighs out Gruffanuff in a
languishing voice, hiding her old face behind her fan.

"And then I shall be the happiest man in my dominions," cries Giglio,
with an elegant bow to the blushing Rosalba.

"Oh, my Giglio! Oh, my dear Majesty!" exclaims Gruffanuff; "and can it
be that this happy moment at length has arrived--"

"Of course it has arrived," says the King.

"--and that I am about to become the enraptured bride of my adored
Giglio!" continues Gruffanuff. "Lend me a smelling-bottle, somebody. I
certainly shall faint with joy."

"YOU my bride?" roars out Giglio.

"YOU marry my Prince?" cried poor little Rosalba.

"Pooh! Nonsense! The woman's mad!" exclaims the King. And all the
courtiers exhibited by their countenances and expressions, marks of
surprise, or ridicule, or incredulity, or wonder.

"I should like to know who else is going to be married, if I am not?"
shrieks out Gruffanuff. "I should like to know if King Giglio is a
gentleman, and if there is such a thing as justice in Paflagonia? Lord
Chancellor! my Lord Archbishop! will your Lordships sit by and see a
poor, fond, confiding, tender creature put upon? Has not Prince Giglio
promised to marry his Barbara? Is not this Giglio's signature? Does not
this paper declare that he is mine, and only mine?" And she handed
to his Grace the Archbishop the document which the Prince signed
that evening when she wore the magic ring, and Giglio drank so
much champagne. And the old Archbishop, taking out his eyeglasses,
read--"This is to give notice, that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King
of Paflagonia, hereby promise to marry the charming Barbara Griselda
Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of the late Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq."

"H'm," says the Archbishop, "the document is certainly a--a document."

"Phoo!" says the Lord Chancellor, "the signature is not in his Majesty's
handwriting." Indeed, since his studies at Bosforo, Giglio had made an
immense improvement in caligraphy.

"Is it your handwriting, Giglio?" cries the Fairy Blackstick, with an
awful severity of countenance.

"Y--y--y--es," poor Giglio gasps out, "I had quite forgotten the
confounded paper: she can't mean to hold me by it. You old wretch, what
will you take to let me off? Help the Queen, some one--her Majesty has
fainted."

"Chop her head off!" } exclaim the impetuous Hedzoff,

"Smother the old witch!" } the ardent Smith, and the

"Pitch her into the river!"} faithful Jones.

But Gruffanuff flung her arms round the Archbishop's neck, and bellowed
out, "Justice, justice, my Lord Chancellor!" so loudly, that her
piercing shrieks caused everybody to pause. As for Rosalba, she was
borne away lifeless by her ladies; and you may imagine the look of agony
which Giglio cast towards that lovely being, as his hope, his joy, his
darling, his all in all, was thus removed, and in her place the horrid
old Gruffanuff rushed up to his side, and once more shrieked out,
"Justice, justice!"

"Won't you take that sum of money which Glumboso hid?" says Giglio; "two
hundred and eighteen thousand millions, or thereabouts. It's a handsome
sum."

"I will have that and you too!" says Gruffanuff.

"Let us throw the crown jewels into the bargain," gasps out Giglio.

"I will wear them by my Giglio's side!" says Gruffanuff.

"Will half, three-quarters, five-sixths, nineteen-twentieths, of my
kingdom do, Countess?" asks the trembling monarch.

"What were all Europe to me without YOU, my Giglio?" cries Gruff,
kissing his hand.

"I won't, I can't, I shan't,--I'll resign the crown first," shouts
Giglio, tearing away his hand; but Gruff clung to it.

"I have a competency, my love," she says, "and with thee and a cottage
thy Barbara will be happy."

Giglio was half mad with rage by this time. "I will not marry her,"
says he. "Oh, Fairy, Fairy, give me counsel?" And as he spoke he looked
wildly round at the severe face of the Fairy Blackstick.

"'Why is Fairy Blackstick always advising me, and warning me to keep my
word? Does she suppose that I am not a man of honor?'" said the Fairy,
quoting Giglio's own haughty words. He quailed under the brightness
of her eyes; he felt that there was no escape for him from that awful
inquisition.

"Well, Archbishop," said he in a dreadful voice, that made his Grace
start, "since this Fairy has led me to the height of happiness but to
dash me down into the depths of despair, since I am to lose Rosalba, let
me at least keep my honor. Get up, Countess, and let us be married; I
can keep my word, but I can die afterwards."

"Oh, dear Giglio," cries Gruffanuff, skipping up, "I knew, I knew I
could trust thee--I knew that my Prince was the soul of honor. Jump into
your carriages, ladies and gentlemen, and let us go to church at
once; and as for dying, dear Giglio, no, no:--thou wilt forget that
insignificant little chambermaid of a Queen--thou wilt live to be
consoled by thy Barbara! She wishes to be a Queen, and not a Queen
Dowager, my gracious Lord!" And hanging upon poor Giglio's arm, and
leering and grinning in his face in the most disgusting manner, this old
wretch tripped off in her white satin shoes, and jumped into the very
carriage which had been got ready to convey Giglio and Rosalba to
church. The cannons roared again, the bells pealed triple-bobmajors, the
people came out flinging flowers upon the path of the royal bride and
bridegroom, and Gruff looked out of the gilt coach window and bowed and
grinned to them. Phoo! the horrid old wretch!


XIX. AND NOW WE COME TO THE LAST SCENE IN THE PANTOMIME.


The many ups and downs of her life had given the Princess Rosalba
prodigious strength of mind, and that highly principled young
woman presently recovered from her fainting-fit, out of which Fairy
Blackstick, by a precious essence which the Fairy always carried in her
pocket, awakened her. Instead of tearing her hair, crying, and bemoaning
herself, and fainting again, as many young women would have done,
Rosalba remembered that she owed an example of firmness to her subjects;
and though she loved Giglio more than her life, was determined, as she
told the Fairy, not to interfere between him and justice, or to cause
him to break his royal word.

"I cannot marry him, but I shall love him always," says she to
Blackstick; "I will go and be present at his marriage with the Countess,
and sign the book, and wish them happy with all my heart. I will see,
when I get home, whether I cannot make the new Queen some handsome
presents. The Crim Tartary crown diamonds are uncommonly fine, and I
shall never have any use for them. I will live and die unmarried like
Queen Elizabeth, and, of course, I shall leave my crown to Giglio when
I quit this world. Let us go and see them married, my dear Fairy, let me
say one last farewell to him; and then, if you please, I will return to
my own dominions."

So the Fairy kissed Rosalba with peculiar tenderness, and at once
changed her wand into a very comfortable coach-and-four, with a steady
coachman, and two respectable footmen behind, and the Fairy and Rosalba
got into the coach, which Angelica and Bulbo entered after them. As
for honest Bulbo, he was blubbering in the most pathetic manner, quite
overcome by Rosalba's misfortune. She was touched by the honest fellow's
sympathy, promised to restore to him the confiscated estates of Duke
Padella his father, and created him, as he sat there in the coach,
Prince, Highness, and First Grandee of the Crim Tartar Empire. The
coach moved on, and, being a fairy coach, soon came up with the bridal
procession.

Before the ceremony at church it was the custom in Paflagonia, as it is
in other countries, for the bride and bridegroom to sign the Contract
of Marriage, which was to be witnessed by the Chancellor, Minister, Lord
Mayor, and principal officers of state. Now, as the royal palace was
being painted and furnished anew, it was not ready for the reception of
the King and his bride, who proposed at first to take up their residence
at the Prince's palace, that one which Valoroso occupied when Angelica
was born, and before he usurped the throne.

So the marriage party drove up to the palace: the dignitaries got out of
their carriages and stood aside: poor Rosalba stepped out of her coach,
supported by Bulbo, and stood almost fainting up against the railings
so as to have a last look of her dear Giglio. As for Blackstick, she,
according to her custom, had flown out of the coach window in some
inscrutable manner, and was now standing at the palace door.

Giglio came up the steps with his horrible bride on his arm, looking
as pale as if he was going to execution. He only frowned at the Fairy
Blackstick--he was angry with her, and thought she came to insult his
misery.

"Get out of the way, pray," says Gruffanuff haughtily. "I wonder why you
are always poking your nose into other people's affairs?"

"Are you determined to make this poor young man unhappy?" says
Blackstick.

"To marry him, yes! What business is it of yours? Pray, madam, don't say
'you' to a Queen," cries Gruffanuff.

"You won't take the money he offered you?"

"No."

"You won't let him off his bargain, though you know you cheated him when
you made him sign the paper?"

"Impudence! Policemen, remove this woman!" cries Gruffanuff. And the
policemen were rushing forward, but with a wave of her wand the Fairy
struck them all like so many statues in their places.

"You won't take anything in exchange for your bond, Mrs. Gruffanuff,"
cries the Fairy, with awful severity. "I speak for the last time."

"No!" shrieks Gruffanuff, stamping with her foot. "I'll have my husband,
my husband, my husband!"

"YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND!" the Fairy Blackstick cried; and advancing
a step, laid her hand upon the nose of the KNOCKER.


As she touched it, the brass nose seemed to elongate, the open mouth
opened still wider, and uttered a roar which made everybody start.
The eyes rolled wildly; the arms and legs uncurled themselves, writhed
about, and seemed to lengthen with each twist; the knocker expanded into
a figure in yellow livery, six feet high; the screws by which it was
fixed to the door unloosed themselves, and JENKINS GRUFFANUFF once more
trod the threshold off which he had been lifted more than twenty years
ago!

"Master's not at home," says Jenkins, just in his old voice; and Mrs.
Jenkins, giving a dreadful YOUP, fell down in a fit, in which nobody
minded her.

For everybody was shouting, "Huzzay! huzzay!" "Hip, hip, hurray!" "Long
live the King and Queen!" "Were such things ever seen?" "No, never,
never, never!" "The Fairy Blackstick for ever!"

The bells were ringing double peals, the guns roaring and banging most
prodigiously. Bulbo was embracing everybody; the Lord Chancellor was
flinging up his wig and shouting like a madman; Hedzoff had got the
Archbishop round the waist, and they were dancing a jig for joy; and as
for Giglio, I leave you to imagine what HE was doing, and if he kissed
Rosalba once, twice--twenty thousand times, I'm sure I don't think he
was wrong.

So Gruffanuff opened the hall door with a low bow, just as he had been
accustomed to do, and they all went in and signed the book, and then
they went to church and were married, and the Fairy Blackstick sailed
away on her cane, and was never more heard of in Paflagonia.





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