The Project Gutenberg eBook of Alice in Wonderland This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: Alice in Wonderland Author: Alice Gerstenberg Lewis Carroll Release date: March 26, 2011 [eBook #35688] Most recently updated: January 7, 2021 Language: English Credits: Produced by The Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive.) *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALICE IN WONDERLAND *** Produced by The Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive.) [Illustration] [Illustration: ALICE: You're Humpty Dumpty! Just like an egg. [Page 24]] Alice in Wonderland A dramatization of Lewis Carroll's "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass" By Alice Gerstenberg Author of "The Conscience of Sarah Platt", "Unquenched Fire," "A Little World," etc. Chicago A.C.Mc.Clurg & Co. 1915 Copyright A. C. McCLURG & CO. 1915 Published December, 1915 Rights to produce this play in all countries of the world are reserved by Alice Gerstenberg W. F. MAEL PRINTING COMPANY, CHICAGO [Illustration: TO THE MEMORY OF LEWIS CARROLL] This dramatic rendering of _Alice in Wonderland_, by Alice Gerstenberg of Chicago, was produced by The Players Producing Company of Chicago (Aline Barnsdall and Arthur Bissell), at the Fine Arts Theater, Chicago, February 11, 1915. After a successful run it opened at the Booth Theater, New York, March 23, 1915. The scenery and the costumes were designed by William Penhallow Henderson of Chicago. The music was written by Eric De Lamarter of Chicago. The advertising posters and cards were designed by Jerome Blum of Chicago. The illustrations of the characters of the play in this book were drawn by J. Allen St. John from photographs by Victor Georg of Chicago. W. H. Gilmore staged the play with the following cast: LEWIS CARROLL Frank Stirling ALICE Vivian Tobin RED QUEEN Florence LeClercq WHITE QUEEN Mary Servoss WHITE RABBIT Donald Gallaher HUMPTY DUMPTY Alfred Donohoe GRYPHON Fred W. Permain MOCK TURTLE Geoffrey Stein MAD HATTER Geoffrey Stein MARCH HARE Fred W. Permain DORMOUSE J. Gunnis Davis FROG FOOTMAN Walter Kingsford DUCHESS Kenyon Bishop CHESHIRE CAT Alfred Donohoe KING OF HEARTS Frederick Annerly QUEEN OF HEARTS Winifred Hanley KNAVE OF HEARTS Foxhall Daingerfield CATERPILLAR Walter Kingsford TWO OF SPADES Rule Pyott FIVE OF SPADES France Bendtsen SEVEN OF SPADES John A. Rice Alice in Wonderland THE SCENES ACT I Scene I--Alice's Home. Scene II--The Room in the Looking Glass. Scene III--The Hall with Doors. Scene IV--The Sea Shore. ACT II Scene----The March Hare's Garden. ACT III Scene I--The Garden of Flowers. Scene II--The Court of Hearts. Scene III--Alice's Home. Miss Gerstenberg's manuscript called for costumes after the illustrations of John Tenniel, and scenery of the simple imaginative type, the "new art" in the theater. ALICE IN WONDERLAND Alice in Wonderland ACT I SCENE ONE _ALICE'S home. LEWIS CARROLL is discovered, playing chess. Golden-haired ALICE, in a little blue dress, a black kitten in her arms, stands watching him._ ALICE That's a funny game, uncle. What did you do then? CARROLL A red pawn took a white pawn; this way. You see, Alice, the chessboard is divided into sixty-four squares, red and white, and the white army tries to win and the red army tries to win. It's like a battle! ALICE With soldiers? CARROLL Yes, here are the Kings and Queens they are fighting for. That's the Red Queen and here's the White Queen. ALICE How funny they look! CARROLL See the crowns on their heads, and look at their big feet. ALICE It's a foot apiece, that's what it is! Do they hump along like this? CARROLL Here! You're spoiling the game. I must keep them all in their right squares. ALICE I want to be a queen! CARROLL Here _you_ are [_he points to a small white pawn_] here _you_ are in your little stiff skirt! ALICE How do you do, Alice! CARROLL And now you are going to move here. ALICE Let me move myself. CARROLL When you have traveled all along the board this way and haven't been taken by the enemy you may be a queen. ALICE Why do people always play with kings and queens? Mother has them in her playing cards too. Look! [_ALICE goes to the mantel and takes a pack of playing cards from the ledge._] Here's the King of Hearts and here's his wife; she's the Queen of Hearts--isn't she cross-looking? wants to bite one's head off. [_CARROLL moves a pawn._] You're playing against yourself, aren't you? CARROLL That's one way of keeping in practice, Alice; I have friends in the university who want to beat me. ALICE But if you play against yourself I should think you'd want to cheat! CARROLL Does a nice little girl like you cheat when she plays against herself? ALICE Oh! I _never_ do! I'd scold myself hard. I always pretend I'm _two_ people too. It's lots of fun, isn't it? Sometimes when I'm all alone I walk up to the looking glass and talk to the other Alice. She's so silly, that Alice; she can't do anything by herself. She just mocks me all the time. When I laugh, she laughs, when I point my finger at her, she points her finger at me, and when I stick my tongue out at her she sticks her tongue out at me! Kitty has a twin too, haven't you darling? [_ALICE goes to the mirror to show Kitty her twin._] CARROLL I'll have to write a book some day about Alice--Alice in wonderland, "Child of the pure unclouded brow and dreaming eyes of wonder!" or, Alice through the looking glass! ALICE Don't you wish sometimes you could go into looking-glass house? See! [_ALICE stands on an armchair and looks into the mirror._] There's the room you can see through the glass; it's just the same as our living-room here, only the things go the other way. I can see all of it--all but the bit just behind the fireplace. Oh! I do wish I could see that bit! I want so much to know if they've a fire there. You never _can_ tell, you know, unless our fire smokes. Then smoke comes up in that room too--but that may be just to make it look as if they had a fire--just to pretend they had. The books are something like our books, only the words go the wrong way. Won't there ever be any way of our getting through, uncle? CARROLL Do you think Kitty would find looking-glass milk digestible? ALICE It doesn't sound awful good, does it; but I might leave her at home. She's been into an awful lot of mischief today. She found sister's knitting and chased the ball all over the garden where sister was playing croquet with the neighbors. And I ran and ran after the naughty little thing until I was all out of breath and so tired! I am tired. [_She yawns and makes herself comfortable in the armchair._] CARROLL [_Replaces the playing cards on the mantel and consults his watch._] Take a nap. Yes, you have time before tea. ALICE [_Half asleep._] We're going to have mock turtle soup for supper! I heard mamma tell the cook not to pepper it too much. CARROLL What a funny little rabbit it is, nibbling all the time! [_He leans gently over the back of her chair, and seeing that she is going to sleep puts out the lamp light and leaves the room. A red glow from the fireplace illumines ALICE._] [_Dream music. A bluish light reveals the RED CHESS QUEEN and the WHITE CHESS QUEEN in the mirror._] RED QUEEN [_Points to ALICE and says in a mysterious voice._] There she is, let's call her over. WHITE QUEEN Do you think she'll come? RED QUEEN I'll call softly, Alice! WHITE QUEEN Hist, Alice. RED QUEEN Alice! WHITE QUEEN Hush--if she wakes and catches us-- BOTH QUEENS Alice, come through into looking-glass house! [_Their hands beckon her._] ALICE [_Rises, and talks sleepily. The Queens disappear. ALICE climbs from the arm of the chair to the back of another and so on up to the mantel ledge, where she picks her way daintily between the vases._] I--don't--know--how--I--can--get--through. I've tried--before--but the glass was hard--and I was afraid of cutting--my fingers-- [_She feels the glass and is amazed to find it like gauze._] Why, it's soft like gauze; it's turning into a sort of mist; why, it's easy to get through! _Why--why_--I'm going _through_! [_She disappears._] SCENE TWO [_Is Scene One, reversed. The portieres are black and red squares like a chessboard. A soft radiance follows the characters mysteriously. As the curtain rises ALICE comes through the looking glass; steps down, looks about in wonderment and goes to see if there is a "fire." The RED QUEEN rises out of the grate and faces her haughtily._] ALICE Why, you're the Red Queen! RED QUEEN Of course I am! Where do you come from? And where are you going? Look up, speak nicely, and don't twiddle your fingers! ALICE I only wanted to see what the looking glass was like. Perhaps I've lost my way. RED QUEEN I don't know what you mean by your way; all the ways about here belong to _me_. Curtsey while you're thinking what to say. It saves time. ALICE I'll try it when I go home; the next time I'm a little late for dinner. RED QUEEN It's time for you to answer now; open your mouth a _little_ wider when you speak, and always say, "Your Majesty." I suppose you don't want to lose your name? ALICE No, indeed. RED QUEEN And yet I don't know, only think how convenient it would be if you could manage to go home without it! For instance, if the governess wanted to call you to your lessons, she would call out "come here," and there she would have to leave off, because there wouldn't be any name for her to call, and of course you wouldn't have to go, you know. ALICE That would never do, I'm sure; the governess would never think of excusing me from lessons for that. If she couldn't remember my name, she'd call me "Miss," as the servants do. RED QUEEN Well, if she said "Miss," and didn't say anything more, of course you'd miss your lessons. I dare say you can't even read this book. ALICE It's all in some language I don't know. Why, it's a looking-glass book, of course! And if I hold it up to a glass, the words will all go the right way again. JABBERWOCKY 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe. It seems very pretty, but it's _rather_ hard to understand; somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas--only I don't exactly know what they are. RED QUEEN I daresay you don't know your geography either. Look at the map! [_She takes a right angle course to the portieres and points to them with her sceptre._] ALICE It's marked out just like a big chessboard. I wouldn't mind being a pawn, though of course I should like to be a Red Queen best. RED QUEEN That's easily managed. When you get to the eighth square you'll be a Queen. It's a huge game of chess that's being played--all over the world. Come on, we've got to run. Faster, don't try to talk. ALICE I can't. RED QUEEN Faster, faster. ALICE Are we nearly there? RED QUEEN Nearly there! Why, we passed it ten minutes ago. Faster. You may rest a little now. ALICE Why, I do believe we're in the same place. Everything's just as it was. [Illustration] RED QUEEN Of course it is, what would you have it? ALICE Well, in our country you'd generally get to somewhere else--if you ran very fast for a long time as we've been doing. RED QUEEN A slow sort of country. Now _here_ you see, it takes all the running _you_ can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that. ALICE I'd rather not try, please! I'm quite content to stay here--only I _am_ so hot and thirsty. RED QUEEN I know what you'd like. [_She takes a little box out of her pocket._] Have a biscuit? [_ALICE, not liking to refuse, curtseys as she takes the biscuit and chokes._] RED QUEEN While you're refreshing yourself, I'll just take the measurements. [_She takes a ribbon out of her pocket and measures the map with it._] At the end of two yards I shall give you your directions--have another biscuit? ALICE No thank you, one's _quite_ enough. RED QUEEN Thirst quenched, I hope? At the end of three yards I shall repeat them--for fear of your forgetting them. At the end of _four_, I shall say good-bye. And at the end of five, I shall go! That Square belongs to Humpty Dumpty and that Square to the Gryphon and Mock Turtle and that Square to the Queen of Hearts. But you make no remark? ALICE I--I didn't know I had to make one--just then. RED QUEEN You _should_ have said, "It's extremely kind of you to tell me all this," however, we'll suppose it said. Four! Good-bye! Five! [_RED QUEEN vanishes in a gust of wind behind the portieres. Rabbit music. WHITE RABBIT comes out of the fireplace and walks about the room hurriedly. He wears a checked coat, carries white kid gloves in one hand, a fan in the other and takes out his watch to look at it anxiously._] WHITE RABBIT Oh the Duchess! the Duchess! Oh! won't she be savage if I've kept her waiting! ALICE I've never seen a rabbit with a waistcoat and a watch! And a waistcoat pocket! If you please, sir-- WHITE RABBIT Oh! [_He drops fan and gloves in fright and dashes out by way of the portieres in a gust of wind. ALICE picks up the fan and playfully puts on the gloves. The portieres flap in the breeze and a shawl flies in._] ALICE [_Catches the shawl and looks about for the owner; then meets the WHITE QUEEN._] I'm very glad I happened to be in the way. WHITE QUEEN [_Runs in wildly, both arms stretched out wide as if she were flying, and cries in a helpless frightened way._] Bread-and-butter, bread-and-butter. ALICE Am I addressing the White Queen? WHITE QUEEN Well, yes, if you call that a-dressing. It isn't my notion of the thing, at all. ALICE If your Majesty will only tell me the right way to begin, I'll do it as well as I can. WHITE QUEEN But I don't want it done at all. I've been a-dressing myself for the last two hours. ALICE Every single thing's crooked, and you're all over pins; may I put your shawl straight for you? WHITE QUEEN I don't know what's the matter with it! It's out of temper. I've pinned it here, and I've pinned it there, but there's no pleasing it. ALICE It _can't_ go straight, you know, if you pin it all on one side, and dear me, what a state your hair is in! WHITE QUEEN The brush has got entangled in it! And I lost the comb yesterday. ALICE [_Takes out the brush and arranges the QUEEN'S hair._] You look better now! But really you should have a lady's maid! WHITE QUEEN I'm sure I'll take you with pleasure. Two pence a week and jam every other day. ALICE [_Who cannot help laughing._] I don't want you to hire me--and I don't care for jam. WHITE QUEEN It's very good jam. ALICE Well, I don't want any today, at any rate. WHITE QUEEN You couldn't have it if you _did_ want it. The rule is, jam tomorrow and jam yesterday--but never jam today. ALICE It must come sometimes to "jam today." WHITE QUEEN No, it can't, it's jam every _other_ day; today isn't any _other_ day, you know. ALICE I don't understand you, it's dreadfully confusing! WHITE QUEEN That's the effect of living backwards, it always makes one a little giddy at first-- ALICE Living backwards! I never heard of such a thing! WHITE QUEEN But there's one great advantage in it--that one's memory works both ways. ALICE I'm sure _mine_ only works one way. I can't remember things before they happen. WHITE QUEEN It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards. ALICE What sort of things do you remember best? WHITE QUEEN Oh, things that happened the week after next. For instance now: [_She sticks a large piece of plaster on her finger._] There's the King's messenger--he's in prison being punished; and the trial doesn't even begin till next Wednesday; and of course the crime comes last of all. ALICE Suppose he never commits the crime? WHITE QUEEN [_Binding the plaster with ribbon._] That would be all the better, wouldn't it? ALICE Of course it would be all the better, but it wouldn't be all the better his being punished. WHITE QUEEN You're wrong _there_, at any rate; were _you_ ever punished? ALICE Only for faults. WHITE QUEEN And you were all the better for it, I know! ALICE Yes, but then I _had_ done the things I was punished for; that makes all the difference. WHITE QUEEN But if you hadn't done them that would have been better still; better and better and better! ALICE There's a mistake somewhere-- WHITE QUEEN [_Screams like an engine whistle, and shakes her hand._] Oh, Oh, Oh! My finger's bleeding. Oh, Oh, Oh! ALICE What _is_ the matter? Have you pricked your finger? WHITE QUEEN I haven't pricked it yet--but I soon shall--Oh, Oh, Oh! ALICE When do you expect to do it? WHITE QUEEN When I fasten my shawl again; the brooch will come undone directly. Oh, Oh! [_Brooch flies open and she clutches it wildly._] ALICE Take care! you're holding it all crooked! WHITE QUEEN [_Pricks her finger and smiles._] That accounts for the bleeding, you see; now you understand the way things happen here. ALICE But why don't you scream now? [Illustration] WHITE QUEEN Why, I've done all the screaming already. What would be the good of having it all over again? Oh! it's time to run if you want to stay in the same place! Come on! ALICE No, no! Not so fast! I'm getting dizzy!! WHITE QUEEN Faster, faster! ALICE Everything's black before my eyes! [_There is music, and the sound of rushing wind, and in the darkness the WHITE QUEEN cries: "Faster, faster"; ALICE gasps: "I can't--please stop"; and the QUEEN replies: "Then you can't stay in the same place. I'll have to drop you behind. Faster--faster, good-bye."_] SCENE THREE _When the curtain rises one sees nothing but odd black lanterns with orange lights, hanging, presumably, from the sky. The scene lights up slowly revealing ALICE seated on two large cushions. She has been "dropped behind" by the WHITE QUEEN and is dazed to find herself in a strange hall with many peculiar doors and knobs too high to reach._ ALICE Oh! my head! Where am I? Oh dear, Oh dear! [_She staggers up and to her amazement finds herself smaller than the table._] I've never been smaller than any table before! I've always been able to reach the knobs! What a curious feeling. Oh! I'm shrinking. It's the fan--the gloves! [_She throws them away, feels her head and measures herself against table and doors._] Oh! saved in time! But I never--never-- WHITE RABBIT Oh! my fan and gloves! Where _are_ my-- ALICE Oh! Mr. Rabbit--please help me out--I want to go home--I want to go home-- WHITE RABBIT Oh! the Duchess! Oh! my fur and whiskers! She'll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets! Oh! _you_ have them! ALICE I'm sorry--you dropped them, you know-- WHITE RABBIT [_Picks up fan and gloves and patters off._] She'll chop off your head! ALICE If you please sir--where am I?--won't you please--tell me how to get out--I want to get out-- WHITE RABBIT [_Looking at his watch._] Oh! my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting. [_A trap door gives way and RABBIT disappears. ALICE dashes after only in time to have the trap door bang in her face._] ALICE [_Amazed._] It's a rabbit-hole--I'm small enough to fit it too! If I shrink any more it might end in my going out altogether like a candle. I wonder what I would be like then! What does the flame of a candle look like after the candle is blown out? I've never seen such a thing! HUMPTY DUMPTY [_Sits on the wall._] Don't stand chattering to yourself like that, but tell me your name and your business. ALICE My _name_ is Alice, but-- HUMPTY DUMPTY It's a stupid name enough, what does it mean? ALICE _Must_ a name mean something? HUMPTY DUMPTY Of course it must; _my_ name means the shape I am--and a good, handsome shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost. ALICE You're Humpty Dumpty! Just like an egg. HUMPTY DUMPTY It's _very_ provoking, to be called an egg--_very_. ALICE I said you _looked_ like an egg, Sir, and some eggs are very pretty, you know. HUMPTY DUMPTY Some people have no more sense than a baby. ALICE Why do you sit here all alone? HUMPTY DUMPTY Why, because there's nobody with me. Did you think I didn't know the answer to _that_? Ask another. ALICE Don't you think you'd be safer down on the ground? That wall's so very narrow. HUMPTY DUMPTY What tremendously easy riddles you ask! Of course I don't think so. Take a good look at me! I'm one that has spoken to a king, I am; to show you I'm not proud, you may shake hands with me! [_He leans forward to offer ALICE his hand but she is too small to reach it._] However, this conversation is going on a little too fast; let's go back to the last remark but one. ALICE I'm afraid I can't remember it. HUMPTY DUMPTY In that case we start fresh, and it's my turn to choose a subject. ALICE You talk about it just as if it were a game. HUMPTY DUMPTY So here's a question for you. How old did you say you were? ALICE Seven years and six months. HUMPTY DUMPTY Wrong! You never said a word about it. Now if you'd asked _my_ advice, I'd have said, "Leave off at seven--but--" ALICE I never ask advice about growing. HUMPTY DUMPTY Too proud? ALICE What a beautiful belt you've got on. At least, a beautiful cravat, I should have said--no, a belt, I mean--I beg your pardon. If only I knew which was neck and which was waist. HUMPTY DUMPTY It is a--_most--provoking_--thing, when a person doesn't know a cravat from a belt. ALICE I know it's very ignorant of me. HUMPTY DUMPTY It's a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you say. There's glory for you. ALICE I don't know what you mean by "glory." HUMPTY DUMPTY When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more nor less. ALICE The question is, whether you _can_ make words mean different things. HUMPTY DUMPTY The question is, which is to be master--that's all. Impenetrability! That's what I say! ALICE Would you tell me, please, what that means? HUMPTY DUMPTY I meant by "impenetrability" that we've had enough of that subject, and it would be just as well if you'd mention what you mean to do next, as I suppose you don't mean to stop here all the rest of your life. ALICE That's a great deal to make one word mean. HUMPTY DUMPTY When I make a word do a lot of work like that I always pay it extra. ALICE Oh! HUMPTY DUMPTY Ah, you should see 'em come round me of a Saturday night, for to get their wages, you know. That's all--Good-bye. ALICE Good-bye till we meet again. HUMPTY DUMPTY I shouldn't know you again, if we _did_ meet, you're so exactly like other people. ALICE The face is what one goes by, generally. HUMPTY DUMPTY That's just what I complain of. Your face is the same as everybody has--the two eyes--so--nose in the middle, mouth under. It's always the same. Now if you had the two eyes on the same side of the nose, for instance--or the mouth at the top--that would be _some_ help. ALICE It wouldn't look nice. HUMPTY DUMPTY Wait till you've tried! Good-bye. [_He disappears as he came._] ALICE Oh! I forgot to ask him how to-- [_She tries to open the doors. They are all locked; she begins to weep. She walks weeping to a high glass table and sits down on its lower ledge. She sits on a big golden key and picks it up in surprise. She tries it on all the doors but it does not fit. She weeps and weeps--and Wonderland grows dark to her in her despair. In the darkness she cries, "Oh! I'm slipping! Oh, Oh! it's a lake; Oh! my tears! I'm floating!" A mysterious light shows a "Drink me" sign around a bottle on the top of the table. ALICE floats up to it panting, and holding on to the edge of the table takes up the bottle._] ALICE It isn't marked poison. [_She sips at it._] This is good! Tastes like cherry tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffy and hot buttered toast--all together. Oh! Oh! I'm letting out like a telescope. [_A mysterious light shows her lengthening out._] [_Music._] But the lake is rising too. Oh! Oh! it's deep! I'm drowning. Help, help, I'm drowning, I'm drowning in my tears! GRYPHON Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh! [_The GRYPHON, a huge green creature with big glittering wings, appears where HUMPTY DUMPTY had been and reaches glittering claws over to grab and save ALICE._] SCENE FOUR _Is symbolic of a wet and rocky shore in a weird green light. The MOCK TURTLE is weeping dismally._ GRYPHON Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh. Hjckrrh. MOCK TURTLE [_Answers with his weeping._] GRYPHON [_Drags ALICE in._] Drop your tears into the sea with his. ALICE He sobs as if he had a bone in his throat. He sighs as if his heart would break. What is his sorrow? MOCK TURTLE Oh, Gryphon, it's terrible! GRYPHON It's all his fancy that. Mock Turtle hasn't got no sorrow. This here young lady, she wants for to know your history, she do. MOCK TURTLE I'll tell it her. Sit down both of you, and don't speak a word till I've finished. ALICE I don't see how you can _ever_ finish, if you don't begin. MOCK TURTLE Once, I was a real Turtle. [_A long silence is broken only by the exclamations, "Hjckrrh," of the GRYPHON and the heavy sobbing of the MOCK TURTLE._] MOCK TURTLE When we were little, we went to school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle--we used to call him tortoise-- ALICE Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn't one? MOCK TURTLE We called him Tortoise because he taught us; really you are very dull. GRYPHON You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question. Drive on, old fellow! Don't be all day about it! MOCK TURTLE Yes, we went to school in the sea, tho' you mayn't believe it-- ALICE I never said I didn't. MOCK TURTLE You did. GRYPHON Hold your tongue! MOCK TURTLE We had the best of educations--in fact, we went to school every day. ALICE I've been to a day school too; you needn't be so proud as all that. MOCK TURTLE With extras? ALICE Yes, we learned French and music. MOCK TURTLE And washing? ALICE Certainly not! [Illustration] MOCK TURTLE Ah! Then yours wasn't a really good school. Now at _ours_ they had at the end of the bill, French, music, _and washing_--extra. ALICE You couldn't have wanted it much; living at the bottom of the sea. MOCK TURTLE I couldn't afford to learn it, I only took the regular course. ALICE What was that? MOCK TURTLE Reeling and writhing, of course, to begin with, and then the different branches of Arithmetic--Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision. ALICE I never heard of Uglification. What is it? GRYPHON Never heard of uglifying! You know what to beautify is, I suppose? ALICE Yes, it means--to--make--anything--prettier. GRYPHON Well then, if you don't know what to uglify is, you _are_ a simpleton. ALICE What else had you to learn? MOCK TURTLE Well, there was Mystery; Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography, then Drawling--the Drawling-master was an old conger eel, that used to come once a week; what _he_ taught us was Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils. ALICE What was _that_ like? MOCK TURTLE Well, I can't show it you, myself. I'm too stiff. And the Gryphon never learned it. GRYPHON Hadn't time; I went to the Classical master, though. He was an old crab, _he_ was. MOCK TURTLE I never went to him; he taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say. GRYPHON So he did, so he did. ALICE And how many hours a day did you do lessons? MOCK TURTLE Ten hours the first day, nine the next, and so on. ALICE What a curious plan! GRYPHON That's the reason they're called lessons, because they lessen from day to day. ALICE Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday? MOCK TURTLE Of course it was. ALICE And how did you manage on the twelfth? GRYPHON That's enough about lessons, tell her something about the games now. [_MOCK TURTLE sighs deeply, draws back of one flapper across his eyes. He looks at ALICE and tries to speak but sobs choke his voice._] GRYPHON [_Punching him in the back._] Same as if he had a bone in his throat. MOCK TURTLE [_With tears running down his cheeks._] You may not have lived much under the sea-- ALICE I haven't. MOCK TURTLE And perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster. ALICE I once tasted--no, never! MOCK TURTLE So you can have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster Quadrille is. ALICE No, indeed. What sort of a dance is it? GRYPHON Why, you first form into a line along the seashore. MOCK TURTLE Two lines; seals, turtles, salmon, and so on; then, when you've cleared all the jellyfish out of the way-- GRYPHON _That_ generally takes some time. MOCK TURTLE You advance twice-- GRYPHON Each with a lobster as a partner. MOCK TURTLE Of course, advance twice, set to partners. GRYPHON Change lobsters, and retire in same order. MOCK TURTLE Then you know, you throw the-- GRYPHON The lobsters! MOCK TURTLE As far out to sea as you can-- GRYPHON Swim after them! MOCK TURTLE Turn a somersault in the sea. GRYPHON Change lobsters again! MOCK TURTLE Back to land again, and--that's all the first figure. ALICE It must be a very pretty dance. MOCK TURTLE Would you like to see a little of it? ALICE Very much indeed. MOCK TURTLE Come, let's try the first figure. We can do it without lobsters, you know; which shall sing? GRYPHON Oh, _you_ sing, I've forgotten the words. [_Creatures solemnly dance round and round ALICE, treading on her toes, waving fore-paws to mark time while MOCK TURTLE sings._] First Verse "Will you walk a little faster!" said a whiting to a snail, "There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail. See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance! They are waiting on the shingle--will you come and join the dance? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance? Second Verse "You can really have no notion how delightful it will be When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!" But the snail replied, "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance-- Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance. Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance. Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance. [_The creatures dance against ALICE, pushing her back and forth between them. She protests and finally escapes; they bump against each other._] ALICE Thank you; it's a very interesting dance to watch, and I do so like that curious song about the whiting. MOCK TURTLE Oh, as to the whiting, they--you've seen them, of course? ALICE Yes, I've often seen them at din-- [_Checks herself hastily._] MOCK TURTLE I don't know where Din may be, but if you've seen them so often, of course you know what they're like. ALICE I believe so, they have their tails in their mouths--and they're all over crumbs. MOCK TURTLE You're wrong about the crumbs, crumbs would all wash off in the sea. But they _have_ their tails in their mouths; and the reason is-- [_MOCK TURTLE yawns and shuts his eyes._] Tell her about the reason and all that. GRYPHON The reason is, that they _would_ go with the lobsters to the dance. So they got thrown out to sea. So they had to fall a long way. So they got their tails fast in their mouths. So they couldn't get them out again. That's all. ALICE Thank you, it's very interesting. I never knew so much about a whiting before. GRYPHON I can tell you more than that, if you like. Do you know why it's called a whiting? ALICE I never thought about it. Why? GRYPHON _It does the boots and shoes._ ALICE Does the boots and shoes! GRYPHON Why, what are _your_ shoes done with? I mean, what makes them so shiny? ALICE They're done with blacking, I believe. GRYPHON Boots and shoes under the sea, are done with whiting. Now you know. ALICE And what are they made of? GRYPHON Soles and eels, of course; any shrimp could have told you that. ALICE If I'd been the whiting, I'd have said to the porpoise, "Keep back, please; we don't want _you_ with us." MOCK TURTLE They were obliged to have him with them, no wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise. ALICE Wouldn't it really? MOCK TURTLE Of course not; why if a fish came to me and told me he was going a journey, I should say, "With what porpoise?" ALICE Don't you mean purpose? MOCK TURTLE I mean what I say. [Illustration] GRYPHON Shall we try another figure of the Lobster Quadrille? Or would you like the Mock Turtle to sing you a song? ALICE Oh, a song please, if the Mock Turtle would be so kind. GRYPHON Um! No accounting for tastes! Sing her "Turtle Soup," will you, old fellow? MOCK TURTLE [_Sighs deeply and sometimes choked with sobs, sings._] "Beautiful Soup, so rich and green, Waiting in a hot tureen! Who for such dainties would not stoop? Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup! Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup! Beau--ootiful Soo--op, Beau--ootiful Soo--oop, Soo--oop of the e-e-evening, Beautiful, beautiful Soup." WHITE RABBIT [_Enters, stretching out a red and white checked sash with which he separates ALICE from the creatures._] Check! MOCK TURTLE They won't let her stay in our square. WHITE RABBIT The Queen is coming this way. GRYPHON She'll chop our heads off. Come on, come on, let's fly! [_The MOCK TURTLE and GRYPHON grab ALICE and fly into the air._] CURTAIN [_The Curtain rises to reveal small silhouettes of the GRYPHON, MOCK TURTLE, and ALICE in an orange-colored moon far away in the sky. Down below the WHITE RABBIT is shouting to them, "You'll be safe in the March Hare's garden."_] CURTAIN ACT II SCENE _The March Hare's garden, showing part of the Duchess' house. On a small platform there is a tea table, set with many cups, continuing into wings to give impression of limitless length. THE MARCH HARE, HATTER, and DORMOUSE are crowded at one end. ALICE sits on the ground where she has been dropped from the sky. Finding herself not bruised she rises and approaches the table._ MARCH HARE and HATTER No room! No room! ALICE There's plenty of room! [_She sits in a large armchair at one end of the table._] I don't know who you are. MARCH HARE I am the March Hare, that's the Hatter, and this is the Dormouse. Have some wine? ALICE I don't see any wine. MARCH HARE There isn't any. ALICE Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it. MARCH HARE It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited. ALICE I didn't know it was _your_ table; it's laid for a great many more than three. HATTER Your hair wants cutting. ALICE You should learn not to make personal remarks; it's very rude. HATTER Why is a raven like a writing-desk? ALICE Come, we shall have some fun now! I'm glad you've begun asking riddles--I believe I can guess that. MARCH HARE So you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it? [Illustration: HATTER: Your hair wants cutting.] ALICE Exactly so. MARCH HARE Then you should say what you mean. ALICE I do; at least--at least I mean what I say--that's the same thing, you know. HATTER Not the same thing a bit! Why, you might just as well say that "I see what I eat" is the same thing as, "I eat what I see!" MARCH HARE You might just as well say that "I like what I get," is the same thing as "I get what I like." DORMOUSE You might just as well say that "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe." HATTER It _is_ the same thing with you. [_Takes out his watch, looks at it uneasily, shakes it, holds it to his ear._] What day of the month is it? ALICE The fourth. HATTER Two days wrong. I told you butter wouldn't suit the works! MARCH HARE It was the _best_ butter. HATTER Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well; you shouldn't have put it in with the bread-knife-- MARCH HARE [_Takes the watch, looks at it gloomily, dips it into his cup of tea and looks at it again but doesn't know what else to say._] It was the _best_ butter, you know. ALICE What a funny watch! It tells the day of the month, and doesn't tell what o'clock it is. HATTER Why should it? Does _your_ watch tell you what year it is? ALICE Of course not, but that's because it stays the same year for such a long time together. HATTER Which is just the case with _mine_. ALICE I don't quite understand you. What you said had no sort of meaning in it and yet it was certainly English. HATTER [_Pouring some hot tea on the DORMOUSE'S nose._] The Dormouse is asleep again. DORMOUSE Of course, of course, just what I was going to remark myself. HATTER Have you guessed the riddle yet? ALICE No, I give it up, what's the answer? HATTER I haven't the slightest idea. MARCH HARE Nor I. ALICE I think you might do something better with the time, than wasting it in asking riddles that have no answers. HATTER If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn't talk about wasting _it_. It's _him_. ALICE I don't know what you mean. HATTER Of course you don't. I dare say you never even spoke to Time. ALICE Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music. HATTER Ah, that accounts for it. He won't stand beating. Now, if you only kept on good terms with him, he'd do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine o'clock in the morning, just time to begin lessons. You'd only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling! Half past one, time for dinner. MARCH HARE I only wish it was. ALICE That would be grand, certainly, but then--I shouldn't be hungry for it, you know. HATTER Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half past one as long as you liked. ALICE Is that the way _you_ manage? HATTER Not I, we quarreled last March--just before _he_ went mad, you know. It was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts and I had to sing. "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! How I wonder what you're at!" You know the song, perhaps. ALICE I've heard something like it. DORMOUSE Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle-- HATTER Well, I'd hardly finished the first verse when the Queen bawled out, "He's murdering the time! Off with his head!" ALICE How dreadfully savage! HATTER And ever since that, he won't do a thing I ask! It's always six o'clock now. ALICE Is that the reason so many tea things are put out here? HATTER Yes, that's it; it's always tea time, and we've no time to wash the things between whiles. ALICE Then you keep moving round, I suppose? HATTER Exactly so, as the things get used up. ALICE But when you come to the beginning again? MARCH HARE Suppose we change the subject. I vote the young lady tells us a story. ALICE I'm afraid I don't know one. MARCH HARE and HATTER Then the Dormouse shall. Wake up Dormouse. [_They pinch him on both sides at once._] DORMOUSE [_Opens his eyes slowly and says in a hoarse, feeble voice._] I wasn't asleep, I heard every word you fellows were saying. MARCH HARE Tell us a story. ALICE Yes, please do! HATTER And be quick about it, or you'll be asleep again before it's done. DORMOUSE Once upon a time there were three little sisters, and their names were Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie and they lived at the bottom of a well-- ALICE What did they live on? [Illustration] DORMOUSE They lived on treacle. ALICE They couldn't have done that, you know, they'd have been ill. DORMOUSE So they were, _very_ ill. ALICE But why did they live at the bottom of a well? MARCH HARE Take some more tea. ALICE I've had nothing yet, so I can't take more. HATTER You mean, you can't take _less_; it's very easy to take _more_ than nothing. ALICE Nobody asked _your_ opinion. HATTER Who's making personal remarks now? ALICE [_Helps herself to tea and bread and butter._] Why did they live at the bottom of a well? DORMOUSE [_Takes a minute or two to think._] It was a treacle-well. ALICE There's no such thing! HATTER and MARCH HARE Sh! Sh! DORMOUSE If you can't be civil, you'd better finish the story for yourself. ALICE [_Very humbly._] No, please go on. I won't interrupt you again. I dare say there may be _one_. DORMOUSE One, indeed! And so these three little sisters--they were learning to draw, you know-- ALICE What did they draw? DORMOUSE Treacle. HATTER I want a clean cup. Let's all move one place on. [_HATTER moves on, DORMOUSE takes his place, MARCH HARE takes DORMOUSE'S place and ALICE unwillingly takes MARCH HARE'S place._] ALICE I'm worse off than I was before. You've upset the milk jug into your plate. MARCH HARE It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited. ALICE Where did they draw the treacle from? HATTER You can draw water out of a water well, so I should think you could draw treacle out of a treacle well--eh, stupid? ALICE But they were _in_ the well. DORMOUSE Of course they were--well in. They were learning to draw, and they drew all manner of things--everything that begins with an M-- ALICE Why with an M? [Illustration] MARCH HARE Why not? [_ALICE is silent and confused. HATTER pinches DORMOUSE to wake him up._] DORMOUSE [_Wakes with a little shriek and continues._] --that begins with an M, such as mousetraps and the moon and memory and muchness--you know you say things are "much of a muchness"--did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness? HATTER Did you? ALICE Really now you ask me, I don't think-- HATTER Then you shouldn't talk. MARCH HARE No! ALICE [_Rises and walks away._] You are very rude. It's the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life-- [_WHITE RABBIT enters carrying a huge envelope with a seal and crown on it._] MARCH HARE and HATTER No room! no room! [_Rabbit pays no attention to them but goes to the house and raps loudly. A footman in livery with a round face and large eyes like a frog and powdered hair opens the door._] WHITE RABBIT For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet. FROG From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet. [_WHITE RABBIT bows and goes out._] MARCH HARE and HATTER [_To WHITE RABBIT._] No room! No room! No room! [_The FROG disappears into the house but leaves the door open. There is a terrible din and many sauce pans fly out._] MARCH HARE She's at it again. HATTER It's perfectly disgusting. MARCH HARE Let's move on. [_The platform moves off with table, chairs, MARCH HARE, HATTER, and DORMOUSE. Meanwhile the FROG has come out again and is sitting near the closed door, staring stupidly at the sky. ALICE goes to the door timidly and knocks._] FROG There's no sort of use in knocking, and that for two reasons: first, because I'm on the same side of the door as you are; secondly, because they're making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you. ALICE Please then, how am I to get in? FROG There might be some sense in your knocking if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were _inside_, you might knock, and I could let you out, you know. ALICE How am I to get in? FROG I shall sit here, till tomorrow. [_The door opens and a large plate skims out straight at the FROG'S head; it grazes his nose and breaks into pieces._] [_FROG acts as if nothing had happened._] Or next day, maybe. ALICE How am I to get in? FROG _Are_ you to get in at all? That's the first question, you know. ALICE It's really dreadful the way all you creatures argue. It's enough to drive one crazy. FROG I shall sit here, on and off, for days and days. ALICE But what am I to do? FROG Anything you like. [_He begins to whistle._] ALICE Where's the servant whose business it is to answer the door? FROG Which door? ALICE _This_ door, of course! [Illustration: FROG: I shall sit here till tomorrow.] [_The FROG looks at the door, and rubs his thumb on it to see if the paint will come off._] [Illustration] FROG To answer the door? What's it been asking for? ALICE I don't know what you mean. FROG I speaks English, doesn't I? Or are you deaf? What did it ask you? ALICE Nothing! I've been knocking at it. FROG Shouldn't do that--shouldn't do that, vexes it, you know. [_He kicks the door._] You let _it_ alone, and it'll let _you_ alone, you know. ALICE Oh, there's no use talking to you-- [_She starts to open the door just as the DUCHESS comes out carrying a pig in baby's clothes. She sneezes--FROG sneezes and ALICE sneezes._] DUCHESS If everybody minded her own business-- [_She sneezes._] ALICE It's pepper. DUCHESS Of course, my cook puts it in the soup. ALICE There's certainly too much pepper in the soup. DUCHESS Sneeze then and get rid of it! [_DUCHESS begins to sing to the baby, giving it a violent shake at the end of every line of the lullaby._] "Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes; [_FROG and ALICE sneeze._] He only does it to annoy, Because he knows it teases. [_DUCHESS sneezes, FROG sneezes, ALICE sneezes._] I speak severely to my boy, I beat him when he sneezes; [_FROG sneezes, ALICE sneezes._] For he can thoroughly enjoy The pepper when he pleases!" [_DUCHESS sneezes, FROG sneezes, ALICE sneezes, DUCHESS gasps and gives a tremendous sneeze._] ALICE Oh dear! [_She jumps aside as kettles and pots come flying out of the door. The DUCHESS pays no attention._] What a cook to have! [_She calls inside._] Oh! _please_ mind what you're doing! [_Another pan comes out and almost hits the baby._] Oh! there goes his _precious_ nose! DUCHESS If everybody minded her own business, the world would go round a deal faster than it does. ALICE Which would not be an advantage. Just think what work it would make with the day and night! You see the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis-- DUCHESS Talking of axes, chop off her head! [_The head of a grinning Cheshire cat appears in a tree above a wall._] ALICE Oh, what's that? DUCHESS Cat, of course. ALICE Why does it grin like that? DUCHESS It's a Cheshire cat! and that's why. [_To baby._] Pig! [Illustration: DUCHESS: I speak severely to my boy, I beat him when he sneezes.] ALICE I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn't know that cats _could_ grin. DUCHESS They all can and most of 'em do. ALICE I don't know of any that do. DUCHESS You don't know much and that's a fact. Here, you may nurse it a bit, if you like! [_Flings the baby at ALICE._] I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen. [_She goes into the house._] ALICE If I don't take this child away with me, they're sure to kill it in a day or two. Cheshire Puss, would you tell me please, which way I ought to walk from here? CAT That depends a good deal on where you want to get to. ALICE I don't much care where-- CAT Then it doesn't matter which way you walk. ALICE So long as I get _somewhere_. CAT Oh, you're sure to do that, if you only walk long enough. ALICE Please, will you tell me what sort of people live about here? CAT All mad people. ALICE But I don't want to go among mad people. CAT Oh, you can't help that; we're all mad here. I'm mad. He's mad. He's dreaming now, and what do you think he's dreaming about? ALICE [_Goes to the FROG to scrutinize his face._] Nobody could guess that. CAT Why, about you! And if he left off dreaming about you, where do you suppose you'd be? ALICE Where I am now, of course. CAT Not you. You'd be nowhere. Why, you're only a sort of thing in his dream; and you're mad too. ALICE How do you know I'm mad? CAT You must be, or you wouldn't have come here. ALICE How do you know that you're mad? CAT To begin with, a dog's not mad. You grant that? ALICE I suppose so. CAT Well then, you see a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad. ALICE I call it purring, not growling. [Illustration] CAT Call it what you like. Do you play croquet with the Queen today? ALICE I should like it very much, but I haven't been invited yet. CAT You'll see me there. [_Vanishes._] ALICE [_To squirming baby._] Oh, dear, it's heavy and so ugly. Don't grunt--Oh--Oh--it's a--pig. Please Mr. Footman take it! FROG [_Rises with dignity, whistles and disappears into the house; a kettle comes bounding out. ALICE puts pig down and it crawls off._] CAT [_Appearing again._] By-the-bye, what became of the baby? ALICE It turned into a pig. CAT I thought it would. [_Vanishes._] [_FROG comes out of the house with hedgehogs and flamingoes._] CAT [_Reappearing._] Did you say pig, or fig? ALICE I said pig; and I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly; you make one quite giddy. CAT All right. [_It vanishes slowly._] [_FROG puts flamingoes down and reenters house. While ALICE is examining the flamingoes curiously, TWEEDLEDUM and TWEEDLEDEE, each with an arm round the other's neck, sidestep in and stand looking at ALICE._] ALICE [_Turns, sees them, starts in surprise and involuntarily whispers._] Tweedle--dee. DUM Dum! DEE If you think we're waxworks, you ought to pay. DUM Contrariwise, if you think we're alive, you ought to speak. DEE The first thing in a visit is to say "How d'ye do?" and shake hands! [_The brothers give each other a hug, then hold out the two hands that are free, to shake hands with her. ALICE does not like shaking hands with either of them first, for fear of hurting the other one's feelings; she takes hold of both hands at once and they all dance round in a ring, quite naturally to music, "Here we go round the mulberry bush."_] ALICE Would you tell me which road leads out of-- DEE What shall I repeat to her? DUM The "Walrus and the Carpenter" is the longest. [_Gives his brother an affectionate hug._] DEE The sun was shining-- ALICE If it's very long, would you please tell me first which road-- DEE The moon was shining sulkily. DUM The sea was wet as wet could be-- DEE O Oysters, come and walk with us The Walrus did beseech-- DUM [_Looks at DEE._] A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk, Along the briny beach-- DEE [_Looks at DUM._] The eldest Oyster winked his eye And shook his heavy head-- DUM [_Looks at DEE._] Meaning to say he did not choose To leave the oyster bed. DEE But four young Oysters hurried up And yet another four-- DUM And thick and fast they came at last, And more, and more, and more-- DEE The Walrus and the Carpenter Walked on a mile or so, DUM And then they rested on a rock Conveniently low, DEE And all the little Oysters stood And waited in a row. DUM "A loaf of bread," the Walrus said, "Is what we chiefly need. DEE Now if you're ready, Oysters dear, We can begin to feed." DUM "But not on us!" the Oysters cried, Turning a little blue. DEE "The night is fine," the Walrus said, "Do you admire the view?" DUM The Carpenter said nothing but "Cut us another slice. I wish you were not quite so deaf-- I've had to ask you twice!" DEE "It seems a shame," the Walrus said, "To play them such a trick, After we've brought them out so far, And made them trot so quick!" DUM "O, Oysters," said the Carpenter, "You've had a pleasant run! DEE Shall we be trotting home again?" DUM But answer came there none-- DEE And this was scarcely odd, because DUM They'd eaten every-- DEE [_Interrupts in a passion, pointing to a white rattle on the ground._] Do you see _that_? ALICE It's only a rattle-- DUM [_Stamps wildly and tears his hair._] I knew it was! It's spoilt of course. My nice new rattle! [_To DEE._] You agree to have a battle? [_He collects sauce pans and pots._] DEE [_Picks up a sauce pan._] I suppose so. Let's fight till dinner. [_They go out hand in hand._] ALICE [_Hears music._] I wonder what is going to happen next. [_She backs down stage respectfully as the KING and QUEEN OF HEARTS enter, followed by the KNAVE OF HEARTS carrying the KING'S crown on a crimson velvet cushion, and the WHITE RABBIT and others. When they come opposite to ALICE they stop and look at her._] [_The DUCHESS comes out of her house._] QUEEN [_To the KNAVE._] Who is this? [Illustration] KNAVE [_Bows three times, smiles and giggles._] QUEEN Idiot! What's your name, child? ALICE My name is Alice, so please your Majesty. QUEEN Off with her head! Off-- ALICE Nonsense! KING Consider, my dear, she is only a child. QUEEN Can you play croquet? ALICE Yes. QUEEN Come on then. Get to your places. Where are the mallets? DUCHESS Here. [_The FROG appears with the flamingoes and hedgehogs._] QUEEN Off with his head! [_No one pays any attention._] KNAVE What fun! ALICE What is the fun? KNAVE Why she; it's all her fancy, that. They never execute anyone. ALICE What does one do? QUEEN Get to your places! [_She takes a flamingo, uses its neck as a mallet and a hedgehog as a ball. The FROG doubles himself into an arch. The KING does the same with the followers and the KNAVE offers himself as an arch for ALICE. Even though ALICE does not notice him he holds the arch position. The QUEEN shouts at intervals, "Off with his head, off with her head."_] ALICE Where are the Chess Queens? RABBIT Under sentence of execution. ALICE What for? RABBIT Did you say, "what a pity"? ALICE No, I didn't. I don't think it's at all a pity. I said, "What for?" RABBIT They boxed the Queen's ears. [_ALICE gives a little scream of laughter._] RABBIT Oh, hush! The Queen will hear you! You see they came rather late and the Queen said--Oh dear, the Queen hears me-- [_He hurries away._] ALICE [_Noticing the KNAVE who still pretends to be an arch._] How _can_ you go on thinking so quietly, with your head downwards? KNAVE What does it matter where my body happens to be? My mind goes on working just the same. The fact of it is, the more head downwards I am, the more I keep on inventing new things. KING Did you happen to meet any soldiers, my dear, as you came through the wood? ALICE Yes, I did; several thousand I should think. KING Four thousand, two hundred and seven, that's the exact number. They couldn't send all the horses, you know, because two of them are wanted in the game. And I haven't sent the two messengers, either. ALICE What's the war about? KING The red Chess King has the whole army against us but he can't kill a man who has thirteen hearts. [_The DUCHESS, QUEEN, FROG, and followers go out. The KNAVE and the FIVE-SPOT, SEVEN-SPOT, and NINE-SPOT OF HEARTS stand behind the KING._] [Illustration: KING: I only wish I had such eyes; to be able to see Nobody!] KING Just look along the road and tell me if you can see either of my messengers. ALICE I see nobody on the road. KING I only wish I had such eyes; to be able to see Nobody! And at that distance too! Why, it's as much as I can do to see real people, by this light. ALICE I see somebody now! But he's coming very slowly--and what curious attitudes he goes into--skipping up and down, and wriggling like an eel. KING Not at all, those are Anglo-Saxon attitudes. He only does them when he's happy. I must have two messengers, you know--to come and go. One to come and one to go. ALICE I beg your pardon? KING It isn't respectable to beg. ALICE I only meant that I didn't understand. Why one to come and one to go? KING Don't I tell you? I must have two--to fetch and carry. One to fetch, and one to carry. MARCH HARE [_Enters, pants for breath--waves his hands about and makes fearful faces at the KING._] KING You alarm me! I feel faint--give me a ham sandwich. Another sandwich! MARCH HARE There's nothing but hay left now. KING Hay, then. There's nothing like eating hay when you're faint. ALICE I should think throwing cold water over you would be better. KING I didn't say there was nothing _better_; I said there was nothing _like_ it. KING Who did you pass on the road? MARCH HARE Nobody. KING Quite right; this young lady saw him too. So of course Nobody walks slower than you. MARCH HARE I do my best; I'm sure nobody walks much faster than I do. KING He can't do that; or else he'd have been here first. However, now you've got your breath, you may tell us what's happened in the town. MARCH HARE I'll whisper it. [_Much to ALICE'S surprise, he shouts into the KING'S ear._] They're at it again! KING Do you call _that_ a whisper? If you do such a thing again, I'll have you buttered. It went through and through my head like an earthquake. Give me details, quick! [_The KING and MARCH HARE go out, followed by FIVE, SEVEN, and NINE SPOTS._] DUCHESS [_Runs in and tucks her arm affectionately into ALICE'S._] You can't think how glad I am to see you again, you dear old thing! ALICE Oh! DUCHESS You're thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember it in a bit. ALICE Perhaps it hasn't one. DUCHESS Tut, tut, child! Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it. [_Squeezes closely, digs her chin into ALICE'S shoulder, and roughly drags ALICE along for a walk._] ALICE The game's going on rather better now. DUCHESS 'Tis so, and the moral of that is--"Oh, 'tis love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round!" ALICE Somebody said, that it's done by everybody minding their own business. DUCHESS Ah, well! It means much the same thing, and the moral of _that_ is--"Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves." ALICE How fond you are of finding morals in things. DUCHESS I daresay you're wondering why I don't put my arm round your waist. The reason is, that I'm doubtful about the temper of your flamingo. Shall I try the experiment? ALICE He might bite. DUCHESS Very true; flamingoes and mustard both bite. And the moral of that is--"Birds of a feather flock together." ALICE Only mustard isn't a bird. DUCHESS Right, as usual; what a clear way you have of putting things. ALICE It's a mineral, I _think_. DUCHESS Of course it is; there's a large mustard mine near here. And the moral of that is--"The more there is of mine, the less there is of yours." ALICE Oh! I know, it's a vegetable. It doesn't look like one, but it is. DUCHESS I quite agree with you, and the moral of that is--"Be what you would seem to be;" or, if you'd like it put more simply, "Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise." ALICE I think I should understand that better if I had it written down, but I can't quite follow it as you say it. DUCHESS That's nothing to what I could say if I chose. ALICE Pray don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than that. DUCHESS Oh, don't talk about trouble; I make you a present of everything I've said as yet. ALICE Uhm! DUCHESS Thinking again? ALICE I've got a right to think. DUCHESS Just about as much right as pigs have to fly, and the moral-- [_The arm of the DUCHESS begins to tremble and her voice dies down. The QUEEN OF HEARTS stands before them with folded arms and frowning like a thunderstorm._] DUCHESS A fine day, your Majesty. QUEEN Now, I give you fair warning, either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time. Take your choice! [_The DUCHESS goes meekly into the house._] [Illustration] QUEEN Let's go on with the game. [_She goes off and shouts at intervals, "Off with his head; off with her head."_] CAT How are you getting on? ALICE It's no use speaking to you till your ears have come. I don't think they play at all fairly and they all quarrel so and they don't seem to have any rules in particular. And you've no idea how confusing it is with all the things alive; there's the arch I've got to go through next walking about at the other end of the ground--and I should have croqueted the Queen's hedgehog just now, only it ran away when it saw mine coming. [_Music begins._] CAT How do you like the Queen? ALICE Not at all; she's so extremely-- [_The KING, QUEEN and entire court enter. The QUEEN is near to ALICE. The music stops and all look at ALICE questioningly._] [_ALICE tries to propitiate the QUEEN._] --likely to win, [_Music continues._] that it's hardly worth while finishing the game. [_QUEEN smiles and passes on._] KING Who _are_ you talking to? ALICE It's a friend of mine--a Cheshire Cat--allow me to introduce it. KING I don't like the look of it at all; however, it may kiss my hand if it likes. CAT I'd rather not. KING Don't be impertinent and don't look at me like that. ALICE A cat may look at a king. I've read that in some book, but I don't remember where. KING Well, it must be removed. My dear! I wish you would have this cat removed. QUEEN Off with his head! KNAVE But you can't cut off a head unless there's a body to cut it off from. KING Anything that has a head can be beheaded. QUEEN If something isn't done about it in less than no time, I'll have everybody executed, all round. ALICE It belongs to the Duchess; you'd better ask her about it. DUCHESS It's a lie! CAT You'd better ask me. Do it if you can. [_It grins away. The DUCHESS and FROG escape into the house._] QUEEN Cut it off! KING It's gone. EVERYBODY It's gone! It's gone! Where, where, where-- QUEEN Cut it off. Cut them all off! EVERYBODY No, no, no! ALICE Save me, save me! KNAVE [_Shouts to ALICE and gives her a tart for safety._] Take a tart! QUEEN [_Seeing ALICE stand out a moment from the others._] Cut hers off! Cut hers off! OTHERS [_Glad to distract QUEEN'S attention from themselves._] Cut hers off, cut hers off, cut-- ALICE [_Cries in fear and takes a quick bite at the tart. If there is a trap door on the stage ALICE disappears down it, leaving the crowd circling around the hole screaming and amazed. If the stage has no trap door, a bridge is built across the footlights with stairs leading down into the orchestra pit. When the crowd is chasing ALICE she jumps over the footlights onto the bridge and as the curtain is falling dividing her from the crowd she appeals to the audience, "Save me, save me, who will save me?" and runs down the stairs and disappears._] CURTAIN ACT III SCENE ONE _Is a garden of high, very conventional and artificial looking flowers. On a large mushroom sits the CATERPILLAR smoking a hookah. ALICE is whirling about trying to get her equilibrium after her fall. She goes to the mushroom timidly and, conscious of her size, for her chin reaches the top of the mushroom, she gazes at the CATERPILLAR wonderingly. He looks at her lazily and speaks in a languid voice._ CATERPILLAR Who are you? ALICE I--I hardly know, sir, just at present. The Queen frightened me so and I've had an awfully funny fall down a tunnel or a sort of well. At least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then. CATERPILLAR What do you mean by that? Explain yourself. ALICE I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself, you see. Being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing. [Illustration] CATERPILLAR You! Who are you? ALICE I think you ought to tell me who you are, first. CATERPILLAR Why? [_As ALICE turns away._] Come back. I've something important to say. [_ALICE comes back._] Keep your temper. ALICE Is that all? CATERPILLAR No. [_He puffs at the hookah in silence; finally takes it out of his mouth and unfolds his arms._] So you think you're changed, do you? ALICE I'm afraid I am, Sir; I don't keep the same size. CATERPILLAR What size do you want to be? ALICE I don't know. At least I've never been so small as a caterpillar. CATERPILLAR [_Rears angrily._] It is a very good height indeed. ALICE But I'm not used to it; I wish you wouldn't all be so easily offended. CATERPILLAR You'll get used to it in time. ALICE Are you too big or am I too small? [_She compares her height wonderingly with the tall flowers._] CATERPILLAR [_Looks at her sleepily, yawns, shakes himself, slides down from the mushroom and crawls slowly away._] One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter. ALICE One side of what? The other side of what? CATERPILLAR Of the mushroom. [_ALICE hesitates, then embraces mushroom and picks bit from each side._] [_Three gardeners representing spades enter carrying brushes and red paint cans._] TWO-SPOT Look out now, Five. Don't go splashing paint over me like that. FIVE-SPOT I couldn't help it. Seven jogged my elbow. SEVEN-SPOT That's right, Five, always lay the blame on others. FIVE-SPOT You'd better not talk. I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded. TWO-SPOT What for? SEVEN-SPOT That's none of your business, Two. FIVE-SPOT Yes, it is his business, and I'll tell him. It was for bringing the cook tulip roots instead of onions. SEVEN-SPOT Well, of all the unjust things-- [_Sees ALICE; others look around, all bow._] ALICE Could you please tell me what side to eat? [_FIVE and SEVEN look at TWO._] TWO-SPOT I don't know anything about it. [_He paints a white rose, red._] You ought to have been red, we put you in by mistake, and if the Queen was to find it out we should all have our heads cut off. [_A thumping is heard off stage and the music grows louder and louder._] ALICE What's that? FIVE-SPOT The White Chess Queen. SEVEN-SPOT Don't let her see what we are doing. TWO-SPOT She'll tell on us. SEVEN-SPOT Run out and stop her from coming here. FIVE-SPOT [_To ALICE as she runs to the right._] No, no, the other way. ALICE But she's off there! TWO-SPOT You can only meet her by walking the other way. ALICE Oh! what nonsense. ALL THE GARDENERS Go the other way! ALICE [_Re-enters in dismay and dashes out to the left._] She's running away from me. [_The WHITE QUEEN backs in from right and ALICE backs in from left. They meet. The gardeners cry "The Queen" and throw themselves flat upon the ground; their backs are like the backs of the rest of the pack. Music stops. ALICE looks at the QUEEN curiously._] ALICE Oh, there you are! Why, I'm just the size I was when I saw you last. WHITE QUEEN Of course you are, and who are these? I can't tell them by their backs. [_She turns them over with her foot._] Turn over. Ah! I thought so! Get up! What have you been doing here? TWO-SPOT May it please your Majesty, we were trying-- WHITE QUEEN [_Examines rose._] I see! Begone, or I'll send the horses after you, and tell the Queen of Hearts. [_GARDENERS rush off. The RED QUEEN enters. ALICE has gone to the mushroom again to look at its sides and there to her amazement finds a gold crown and scepter, which she immediately appropriates. Music. The QUEENS watch ALICE superciliously. ALICE puts on her crown, proudly exclaiming in great elation, "Queen Alice," and walks down stage bowing right and left to the homage of imaginary subjects. She repeats as if scarcely daring to believe it true, "Queen Alice." Music stops._] RED QUEEN Ridiculous! ALICE Isn't this the Eighth Square? RED QUEEN You can't be a Queen, you know, till you've passed the proper examination. WHITE QUEEN The sooner we begin it, the better. ALICE Please, would you tell me-- RED QUEEN Speak when you're spoken to. ALICE But if everybody obeyed that rule, and if you only spoke when you were spoken to, and the other person always waited for you to begin, you see nobody would ever say anything, so that-- RED QUEEN Preposterous. ALICE I only said "if." RED QUEEN She says she only said "if." WHITE QUEEN [_Moans and wrings her hands._] But she said a great deal more than that. Ah, yes, so much more than that. RED QUEEN So you did, you know; always speak the truth--think before you speak--and write it down afterwards. ALICE I'm sure I didn't mean-- RED QUEEN That's just what I complained of. You _should_ have meant! What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning--and a child's more important than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands. ALICE I don't deny things with my _hands_. RED QUEEN Nobody said you did. I said you couldn't if you tried. WHITE QUEEN She's in that state of mind, that she wants to deny _something_--only she doesn't know what to deny! RED QUEEN A nasty, vicious temper. I invite you to Alice's dinner party this afternoon. WHITE QUEEN And I invite _you_. ALICE I didn't know I was to have a party at all; but if there is to be one, I think I ought to invite the guests. RED QUEEN We gave you the opportunity of doing it, but I dare say you've not had many lessons in manners yet. ALICE Manners are not taught in lessons; lessons teach you to do sums, and things of that sort. WHITE QUEEN Can you do addition? What's one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one? ALICE I don't know. I lost count. RED QUEEN She can't do addition; can you do subtraction? Take nine from eight. ALICE Nine from eight I can't, you know, but-- WHITE QUEEN She can't do subtraction. Can you do division? Divide a loaf by a knife--what's the answer to that? ALICE I suppose-- RED QUEEN [_Answers for her._] Bread and butter, of course. Try another subtraction sum. Take a bone from a dog; what remains? ALICE The bone wouldn't remain, of course, if I took it--and the dog wouldn't remain; it would come to bite me--and I'm sure I shouldn't remain. RED QUEEN Then you think nothing would remain? ALICE I think that's the answer. RED QUEEN Wrong as usual; the dog's temper would remain. ALICE But I don't see how-- RED QUEEN Why, look here; the dog would lose its temper, wouldn't it? ALICE Perhaps it would. RED QUEEN Then if the dog went away, its temper would remain! ALICE They might go different ways! What dreadful nonsense we _are_ talking. BOTH QUEENS She can't do sums a bit! ALICE Can _you_ do sums? WHITE QUEEN I can do addition, if you give me time--but I can't do _subtraction_ under _any_ circumstances. RED QUEEN Of course you know your A, B, C? ALICE To be sure I do. WHITE QUEEN So do I; we'll often say it over together, dear. And I'll tell you a secret--I can read words of one letter. Isn't that grand? However, don't be discouraged. You'll come to it in time. RED QUEEN Can you answer useful questions? How is bread made? ALICE I know _that_! You take some flour-- WHITE QUEEN Where do you pick the flower? In a garden or in the hedges? ALICE Well, it isn't _picked_ at all. It's ground-- WHITE QUEEN How many acres of ground? You mustn't leave out so many things. RED QUEEN Fan her head! She'll be feverish after so much thinking. [_They fan her with bunches of leaves which blow her hair wildly._] ALICE Please--please-- RED QUEEN She's all right again now. Do you know languages? What's the French for fiddle-de-dee? ALICE Fiddle-de-dee's not English. RED QUEEN Who ever said it was? ALICE If you tell me what language fiddle-de-dee is, I'll tell you the French for it! RED QUEEN Queens never make bargains! ALICE I wish Queens never asked questions! WHITE QUEEN Don't let us quarrel; what is the cause of lightning? ALICE The cause of lightning is the thunder--no, no! I meant the other way. RED QUEEN It's too late to correct it; when you've once said a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the consequences. WHITE QUEEN We had _such_ a thunderstorm next Tuesday, you can't think. RED QUEEN She _never_ could, you know. WHITE QUEEN Part of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got in--and it went rolling round the room in great lumps--and knocking over the tables and things--till I was so frightened, I couldn't remember my own name! ALICE I never should _try_ to remember my name in the middle of an accident. Where would be the use of it? RED QUEEN You must excuse her. She means well, but she can't help saying foolish things, as a general rule. She never was really well brought up, but it's amazing how good tempered she is! Pat her on the head, and see how pleased she'll be! A little kindness and putting her hair in papers would do wonders with her. WHITE QUEEN [_Gives a deep sigh and leans her head on ALICE'S shoulder._] I _am_ so sleepy! RED QUEEN She's tired, poor thing; smooth her hair--lend her your night cap--and sing her a soothing lullaby. ALICE I haven't got a night cap with me, and I don't know any soothing lullabies. RED QUEEN I must do it myself, then. [Illustration: ALICE: Do wake up, you heavy things!] Hush-a-by lady, in Alice's lap! Till the feast's ready, we've time for a nap; When the feast's over, we'll go to the ball-- Red Queen and White Queen and Alice and all! And now you know the words. [_She puts her head on ALICE'S other shoulder._] Just sing it through to _me_. I'm getting sleepy too. [_Both queens fall fast asleep and snore loudly._] ALICE What _am_ I to do? Take care of two Queens asleep at once? Do wake up, you heavy things! [_All lights go out, leaving a mysterious glow on ALICE and the queens._] WHITE RABBIT [_Blows trumpet off stage._] The trial's beginning! ALICE What trial is it? WHITE RABBIT Who stole the tarts. ALICE I ate a tart. WHITE RABBIT You've got to be tried. ALICE I don't want to be tried. WHITE RABBIT You've got to be tried. ALICE I won't be tried--I won't-I won't! SCENE TWO _Is a court room suggesting playing cards. The jurymen are all kinds of creatures. The KING and QUEEN OF HEARTS are seated on the throne. The KNAVE is before them in chains. The WHITE RABBIT has a trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the middle of the court stands a table with a large dish of tarts upon it._ WHITE RABBIT [_Blows three blasts on his trumpet._] Silence in the court! ALICE [_Watches jurymen writing busily on their slates._] What are they doing? They can't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun. KNAVE They're putting down their names for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial. ALICE Stupid things! WHITE RABBIT Silence in the court! JURORS [_Write in chorus._] Stupid things! ONE JUROR How do you spell stupid? ALICE A nice muddle their slates will be in before the trial's over. QUEEN There's a pencil squeaking. Cut it down! JURORS [_In chorus as they write._] Squeaking-- KING [_Wears a crown over his wig; puts on his spectacles as he says._] Herald, read the accusation! [Illustration] WHITE RABBIT [_Blows three blasts on his trumpet, unrolls parchment scroll and reads to music._] The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer day; The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts, And took them quite away! KING Consider your verdict! WHITE RABBIT Not yet, not yet; there's a great deal to come before that. KING Call the first witness. WHITE RABBIT First witness! HATTER [_Comes in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread and butter in the other._] I beg your pardon, your Majesty, for bringing these in, but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for. KING You ought to have finished; when did you begin? HATTER [_Looks at the MARCH HARE, who follows him arm-in-arm with the DORMOUSE._] Fourteenth of March, I _think_ it was. MARCH HARE Fifteenth. DORMOUSE Sixteenth. KING Write that down. JURY Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen--forty-five. Reduce that to shillings-- KING Take off your hat. HATTER It isn't mine. KING _Stolen!_ JURY Stolen! HATTER I keep them to sell. I've none of my own. I'm a hatter. QUEEN OF HEARTS [_Puts on her spectacles and stares at HATTER, who fidgets uncomfortably._] KING Give your evidence and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot. [_The HATTER continues to shift nervously from one foot to the other, looks uneasily at the QUEEN, trembles so that he shakes off both of his shoes, and in his confusion bites a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread and butter._] HATTER I'm a poor man, your Majesty, and I hadn't but just begun my tea--not above a week or so--and what with the bread and butter getting so thin--and the twinkling of the tea-- KING The twinkling of _what_? HATTER It began with the tea. KING Of course twinkling begins with a T. Do you take me for a dunce? Go on! HATTER I'm a poor man and most things twinkled after that--only the March Hare said-- MARCH HARE I didn't! HATTER You did. MARCH HARE I deny it. KING He denies it; leave out that part. QUEEN But what did the Dormouse say? HATTER That I can't remember. KING You _must_ remember or I'll have you executed. HATTER [_Drops teacup and bread and butter and goes down on one knee._] I'm a poor man, your Majesty. KING If that's all you know about it you may stand down. HATTER I can't go no lower; I'm on the floor as it is. KING Then you may sit down. HATTER I'd rather finish my tea. KING You may go. [_The HATTER goes out hurriedly, leaving one of his shoes behind._] QUEEN [_Nonchalantly to an officer._] And just take his head off outside. [_But the HATTER was out of sight before the officer could get to the door._] KING Call the next witness! WHITE RABBIT Next witness! [_The DUCHESS enters with a pepper pot, which she shakes about. Everybody begins to sneeze. MARCH HARE sneezes and rushes out._] KING Give your evidence! DUCHESS Shan't! WHITE RABBIT Your Majesty must cross-examine _this_ witness. KING Well, if I must, I must. What does your cook say tarts are made of? DUCHESS Pepper. [_The DUCHESS shakes the pot and the court sneezes._] DORMOUSE Treacle! [_The DUCHESS shakes the pot at him. He sneezes for the first time._] QUEEN Collar the Dormouse! Behead the Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers! [_The whole court is in confusion, turning the DORMOUSE out, and while it is settling down again the DUCHESS disappears._] WHITE RABBIT The Duchess! COURT She's gone--she's gone. KING Never mind! [_In a low tone to the QUEEN._] Really, my dear, _you_ must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache! Call the next witness! WHITE RABBIT [_Fumbles with the parchment, then cries in a shrill little voice._] Alice! ALICE Here! KING What do you know about this business? ALICE Nothing whatever. KING [_To the jury._] That's very important. WHITE RABBIT _Un_important, your Majesty means, of course. KING _Un_important, of course I meant. Important--unimportant--unimportant-- important. Consider your verdict! [_Some of the jury write "important" and some write "unimportant."_] WHITE RABBIT There's more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty; this paper has just been picked up. QUEEN What's in it? WHITE RABBIT [_Fumbles with a huge envelope._] I haven't opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to--to somebody. KING It must have been that unless it was written to nobody, which isn't usual, you know. ALICE Who is it directed to? WHITE RABBIT It isn't directed at all; in fact, there's nothing written on the _outside_. [_Takes out a tiny piece of paper._] It isn't a letter at all; it's a set of verses. QUEEN Are they in the prisoner's handwriting? [_The jury brightens up._] WHITE RABBIT [_Looks at the KNAVE'S hand. KNAVE hides his hand; the chains rattle._] No, they're not, and that's the queerest thing about it. [_The jury looks puzzled._] KING He must have imitated somebody else's hand! KNAVE Please, your Majesty, I didn't write it and they can't prove I did; there's no name signed at the end. KING If you didn't sign it that only makes the matter worse. You _must_ have meant some mischief, or else you'd have signed your name like an honest man. [_At this there is a general clapping of hands._] QUEEN That _proves_ his guilt. ALICE It proves nothing of the sort! Why, you don't even know what they're about. KING Read them! WHITE RABBIT [_Puts on his monocle._] Where shall I begin, please your Majesty? KING Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end, then stop. WHITE RABBIT "They told me you had been to her, And mentioned me to him; She gave me a good character, But said I could not swim. "I gave her one, they gave him two, You gave us three or more; They all returned from him to you, Though they were mine before. "My notion was that you had been (Before she had this fit) An obstacle that came between Him, and ourselves, and it. "Don't let him know she liked him best, For this must ever be A secret, kept from all the rest, Between yourself and me." KING That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet; so now let the jury-- ALICE If anyone of them can explain it, I'll give him sixpence. I don't believe there's an atom of meaning in it. JURY She doesn't believe there's an atom of meaning in it. KING If there's no meaning in it, that saves a world of trouble, you know, as we needn't try to find any. And yet I don't know. [_Spreads out the verses on his knee and studies them._] I seem to see some meaning after all. "Said I could not swim." You can't swim, can you? KNAVE [_Shakes his head sadly and points to his suit._] Do I look like it? KING All right, so far; "We know it to be true," that's the jury, of course; "I gave her one, they gave him two" why that must be what he did with the tarts, you know-- ALICE But it goes on "they all returned from _him_ to _you_." KING [_Triumphantly pointing to the tarts._] Why, there they are! Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again, "before she had this fit," you never had fits, my dear, I think? QUEEN Never! KING Then the words don't _fit_ you. [_There is dead silence, while the KING looks around at the court with a smile._] KING It's a pun! [_Everybody laughs. Music._] KING Let the jury consider their verdict. QUEEN No, no! Sentence first--verdict afterwards. ALICE Stuff and nonsense! QUEEN [_Furiously._] Hold your tongue! ALICE I won't! QUEEN Off with her head! ALICE Who cares for you? QUEEN Cut it off! ALICE You're nothing but a pack of cards! [_As lights go out and curtain falls all the characters hold their positions as if petrified._] CURTAIN SCENE THREE [_The curtain rises to show ALICE still asleep in the armchair, the fire in the grate suffusing her with its glow._] CARROLL Wake up, Alice, it is time for tea. [_Off stage the characters repeat their most characteristic lines, "Off with her head," "Consider your verdict," "Oh! my fur and whiskers"; the DUCHESS sneezes, the cat cries, as if the characters were fading away into the pack of real playing cards which shower through the mirror all over ALICE. There is music._] ALICE [_Wakes, rises, and looks about in surprise and wonderment._] Why----it was a dream! CURTAIN End of Project Gutenberg's Alice in Wonderland, by Alice Gerstenberg *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ALICE IN WONDERLAND *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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