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Title: The Heiress; a comedy, in five acts

Author: John Burgoyne

Commentator: Mrs. Inchbald

Release date: June 30, 2011 [eBook #36570]
                Most recently updated: January 7, 2021

Language: English

Credits: Produced by Steven desJardins, David Garcia and the Online
        Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net


*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HEIRESS; A COMEDY, IN FIVE ACTS ***




Produced by Steven desJardins, David Garcia and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net






[Illustration: HEIRESS.
  MISS ALSCRIPT--YOUNG WOMAN WHERE WERE YOU EDUCATED
  ACT II SCENE III
  PAINTED BY R SMIRKE R A PUBLISHED BY LONGMAN & CO ENGRAVED BY CHAS WARREN
  1808]






THE HEIRESS; A COMEDY, IN FIVE ACTS;

By GENERAL BURGOYNE.

AS PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE ROYAL, DRURY LANE.

PRINTED UNDER THE AUTHORITY OF THE MANAGERS FROM THE PROMPT BOOK.

WITH REMARKS BY MRS. INCHBALD.


LONDON:

  PRINTED FOR LONGMAN, HORST, REES, AND ORME,
  PATERNOSTER ROW.


  WILLIAM SAVAGE, PRINTER,
  LONDON.




REMARKS.


The author of this play was an elegant writer, and a brave soldier--yet,
as an author he had faults, and as a general failures. His life was
eventful; and he appears to have had, among his other qualities, that
of patient philosophy: or if, in the warmth of youth, or pride of
manhood, he was ever elated by prosperity, it is certain he bore adversity
with cheerful resignation; that adversity, which is more formidable to
the ambitious, than poverty to the luxurious--disappointment of expected
renown.

Secret love, and clandestine marriage, composed the first acts of that
tragi-comedy, called his life. His cultivated mind, and endearing
manners, reconciled, in a short time, the noble house of Derby to his
stolen union with Lady Charlotte Stanley: her father, the late Earl of
Derby, acknowledged him for his son-in-law; while the present Earl
considered him, not only as his uncle, but his friend[1].

The author was, at that period, but a subaltern in the army. The
patronage of his new relations, more than his own merit, it is probable,
obtained him higher rank. He was, however, possessed of talents for a
general, and those talents were occasionally rewarded with success. But
his misfortunes in battle have been accompanied by circumstances more
memorable than his victories--the latter were but of slight or partial
consequence; his defeat at Saratoga was of great and direful import.

He sent an able, and most pathetic account, from America, of the
surrender of his whole army--it was correctly written, and the style
charmed every reader--but he had better have beaten the enemy, and
mis-spelt every word of his dispatch; for so, probably, the great Duke
of Marlborough would have done, both by one and the other.

General Burgoyne appears to have been a man capable of performing all
things that did not require absolute genius. He was complete in
mediocrity, A valiant, but not always a skilful, soldier; an elegant,
but sometimes an insipid, writer.

When the comedy of "The Heiress" was first acted, it was compared, and
preferred by some persons, to "The School for Scandal." It attracted
vast sums of money from the east, as well as the west part of the
metropolis;--but was more justly appreciated when the season of acting
was over, and the playhouses closed.

Still, it is a production which claims high respect, from a degree of
refinement which pervades the whole work; from the peculiar situation
of its author; and from other circumstances closely connected with its
performance on the stage.--"The Heiress" is dedicated to the Earl of
Derby; and the present Countess of Derby was the Lady Emily of the
drama when it was first acted.

The author, in his Preface, has, with much art, paid a deference to
Miss Farren, by a compliment separate from her brother and sister
performers; at the same time, wisely taking care not to excite their
jealousy, while he soothed the partiality of his noble relation. He
thanks and praises her merely for speaking his Epilogue, in which, of
course, no other performer had a claim to his acknowledgments.

Lieutenant General Burgoyne is the author of another comedy, called
"The Maid of the Oaks," and the excellent farce of "Bon Ton."--He was
enamoured of the stage, and was at a play, in the little theatre of the
Haymarket, the night previous to that on which he died suddenly, in the
summer of 1792.

He was a Privy Counsellor, Colonel of the 4th regiment of foot, and
Member of Parliament for Preston, in Lancashire. He had held many
offices of great emolument; but having resigned them all about the time
he wrote this comedy, he was at length rather a confirmation of, than
an exception to, the adage--an author is seldom wealthy.

[Footnote 1: The late Earl of Derby was grandfather to the present
Earl, his son having died before him.]




DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.


  Sir Clement Flint                         _Mr. King._
  Clifford                                  _Mr. Smith._
  Lord Gayville                             _Mr. Palmer._
  Alscrip                                   _Mr. Parsons._
  Chignon                                   _Mr. Baddeley._
  Mr. Blandish                              _Mr. Bannister, jun._
  Prompt                                    _Mr. R. Palmer._
  Mr. Rightly                               _Mr. Aickin._

  Lady Emily                                _Miss Farren._
  Miss Alscrip                              _Miss Pope._
  Miss Alton                                _Mrs. Crouch._
  Mrs. Sagely                               _Mrs. Booth._
  Tiffany                                   _Miss Tidswell._
  Mrs. Blandish                             _Mrs. Wilson._

  Chairmen, Servants, _&c._


SCENE--_London._




THE HEIRESS.

       *       *       *       *       *




ACT THE FIRST.


SCENE I.

    _A Lady's Apartment._

_MR. BLANDISH and MRS. LETITIA BLANDISH discovered writing: Letters
folded up, and Message Cards scattered upon the Table._

_MRS. BLANDISH leans upon her Elbows, as meditating; writes, as pleased
with her Thought; lays down the Pen._

_Mrs. Blandish._ There it is, complete----

                                                  [_Reads conceitedly._


    _Adieu, my charming friend, my amiable, my all
    Accomplished associate! conceive the ardour of
    Your lovers united with your own sensibility--
    Still will the compound be but faintly expressive
    Of the truth and tenderness of your_

                                    LETITIA BLANDISH.


There's phrase--there's a period--match it, if you can.

_Blandish._ Not I, indeed: I am working upon a quite different plan:
but, in the name of the old father of adulation, to whom is that
perfect phrase addressed?

_Mrs. Blandish._ To one worth the pains, I can tell you--Miss Alscrip.

_Blandish._ What, sensibility to Miss Alscrip! My dear sister, this is
too much, even in your own way: had you run changes upon her fortune,
stocks, bonds, and mortgages; upon Lord Gayville's coronet at her feet,
or forty other coronets, to make footballs of if she pleased,--it would
have been plausible; but the quality you have selected----

_Mrs. Blandish._ Is one she has no pretensions to; therefore the
flattery is more persuasive--that's my maxim.

_Blandish._ And mine also, but I don't try it quite so
high--Sensibility to Miss Alscrip! you might as well have applied it to
her uncle's pig-iron, from which she derives her first fifty thousand;
or the harder heart of the old usurer, her father, from which she
expects the second. But come, [_Rings._] to the business of the morning.

_Enter PROMPT._

Here, Prompt--send out the chairman with the billets and cards.--Have
you any orders, madam?

_Mrs. Blandish._ [_Delivering her Letter._] This to Miss Alscrip, with
my impatient inquiries after her last night's rest, and that she shall
have my personal salute in half an hour.--You take care to send to all
the lying-in ladies?

_Prompt._ At their doors, madam, before the first load of straw.

_Blandish._ And to all great men that keep the house--whether for their
own disorders, or those of the nation?

_Prompt._ To all, sir--their secretaries, and principal clerks.

_Blandish._ [_Aside to PROMPT._] How goes on the business you have
undertaken for Lord Gayville?

_Prompt._ I have conveyed his letter, and expect this morning to get an
answer.

_Blandish._ He does not think me in the secret?

_Prompt._ Mercy forbid you should be!

                                                             [_Archly._

_Blandish._ I should never forgive your meddling.

_Prompt._ Oh! never, never!

_Blandish._ [_Aloud._] Well, dispatch----

_Mrs. Blandish._ Hold!--apropos, to the lying-in list--at Mrs. Barbara
Winterbloom's, to inquire after the Angola kittens, and the last hatch
of Java sparrows.

_Prompt._ [_Reading his Memorandum as he goes out._] Ladies in the
straw--ministers, &c.--old maids, cats, and sparrows: never had a
better list of how d'ye's, since I had the honour to collect for the
Blandish family.

                                                               [_Exit._

_Mrs. Blandish._ These are the attentions that establish valuable
friendships in female life. By adapting myself to the whims of one,
submitting to the jest of another, assisting the little plots of a
third, and taking part against the husbands with all, I am become an
absolute essential in the polite world; the very soul of every
fashionable party in town or country.

_Blandish._ The country! Pshaw! Time thrown away.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Time thrown away! As if women of fashion left London,
to turn freckled shepherdesses.--No, no; cards, cards and backgammon,
are the delights of rural life; and, slightly as you may think of my
skill, at the year's end I am no inconsiderable sharer in the pin-money
of my society.

_Blandish._ A paltry resource----Gambling is a damned trade, and I have
done with it.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Indeed!

_Blandish._ Yes; 'twas high time.--The women don't pay; and as for the
men, the age grows circumspect in proportion to its poverty. It's odds
but one loses a character to establish a debt, and must fight a duel to
obtain the payment. I have a thousand better plans, but two principal
ones; and I am only at a loss which to chuse.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Out with them, I beseech you.

_Blandish._ Whether I shall marry my friend's intended bride, or his
sister.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Marry his intended bride?----What, pig-iron and
usury?--Your opinion of her must advance your addresses admirably.

_Blandish._ My lord's opinion of her will advance them; he can't bear
the sight of her, and, in defiance of his uncle, Sir Clement Flint's,
eagerness for the match, is running mad after an adventure, which I,
who am his confidant, shall keep going till I determine.--There's news
for you.

_Mrs. Blandish._ And his sister, Lady Emily, the alternative! The first
match in England, in beauty, wit, and accomplishment.

_Blandish._ Pooh! A fig for her personal charms; she will bring me
connexion that would soon supply fortune; the other would bring fortune
enough to make connexion unnecessary.

_Mrs. Blandish._ And as to the certainty of success with the one or the
other----

_Blandish._ Success!--Are they not women?--But I must away. And first
for Lord Gayville, and his fellow student, Clifford.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Apropos! Look well to Clifford. Lady Emily and he were
acquainted at the age of first impressions.

_Blandish._ I dare say he always meant to be the complete friend of the
 family; for, besides his design on Lady Emily, his game, I find, has
been to work upon Lord Gayville's understanding; he thinks he must
finally establish himself in his esteem, by inexorably opposing all
his follies.--Poor simpleton!--Now, my touch of opposition goes only
to enhance the value of my acquiescence. So adieu for the morning--You
to Miss Alscrip, with an unction of flattery, fit for a house-painter's
brush; I to Sir Clement, and his family, with a composition as delicate
as ether, and to be applied with the point of a feather.

                                                              [_Going._

_Mrs. Blandish._ Hark you, Blandish--a good wish before you go: To make
your success complete, may you find but half your own vanity in those
you have to work on!

_Blandish._ Thank you, my dear Letty; this is not the only tap you have
hit me to-day, and you are right; for if you and I did not sometimes
speak truth to each other, we should forget there was such a quality
incident to the human mind.

                                                             [_Exeunt._


SCENE II.

    _LORD GAYVILLE's Apartment._

_Enter LORD GAYVILLE and MR. CLIFFORD._

_Lord G._ My dear Clifford, urge me no more. How can a man of your
liberality of sentiment descend to be the advocate of my uncle's family
avarice?

_Cliff._ My lord, you do not live for yourself. You have an ancient
name and title to support.

_Lord G._ Preposterous policy! Whenever the father builds, games, or
electioneers, the heir and title roust go to market. Oh, the happy
families Sir Clement Flint will enumerate, where this practice has
prevailed for centuries; and the estate been improved in every
generation, though specifically spent by each individual!

_Cliff._ But you thought with him a month ago, and wrote with transport
of the match--"Whenever I think of Miss Alscrip, visions of equipage
and splendour, villas and hotels, the delights of independence and
profuseness, dance in my imagination."

_Lord G._ It is true, I was that dissipated, fashionable wretch.

_Cliff._ Come, this reserve betrays a consciousness of having acted
wrong: You would not hide what would give me pleasure: But I'll not be
officious.

_Lord G._ Hear me without severity, and I'll tell you all. Such a
woman, such an assemblage of all that's lovely in the sex!----

_Cliff._ Well, but--the who, the how, the where?

_Lord G._ I met her walking, and alone; and, indeed, so humbly
circumstanced as to carry a parcel in her own hand.

_Cliff._ I cannot but smile at this opening of your adventure.--But
proceed.

_Lord G._ Her dress was such as a judicious painter would chuse to
characterise modesty. But natural grace and elegance stole upon the
observation, and, through the simplicity of a quaker, showed all we
could conceive of a goddess. I gazed, and turned idolater.

_Cliff._ [_Smiling._] You may as well finish the description in poetry
at once; you are on the very verge of it.

_Lord G._ She was under the persecution of one of those beings peculiar
to this town, who assume the name of gentlemen, upon the sole credentials
of a boot, a switch, and round hat--the things that escape from counters
and writing desks, to disturb public places, insult foreigners, and
put modest women out of countenance. I had no difficulty in the rescue.

_Cliff._ And, having silenced the dragon, in the true spirit of
chivalry, you conducted the damsel to her castle.

_Lord G._ The utmost I could obtain was leave to put her into a hackney
coach, which I followed unperceived, and lodged her in the house of an
obscure milliner, in a bye street, whose favour was soon conciliated by
a few guineas. I almost lived in the house; and often, when I was not
suspected to be there, passed whole hours listening to a voice, that
would have captivated my very soul, though it had been her only
attraction. At last----

_Cliff._ What is to follow?

_Lord G._ By the persuasions of the woman, who laughed at my scruples
with an unknown girl, a lodger upon a second floor, I hid myself in the
closet of her apartment: and the practised trader assured me, I had
nothing to fear from the interruption of the family.

_Cliff._ Oh, for shame, my lord! whatever may be the end of your
adventure, such means were very much below you.

_Lord G._ I confess it, and have been punished. Upon the discovery
of me, fear, indignation, and resolution, agitated the whole frame
of the sweet girl by turns.--I should as soon have committed sacrilege,
as have offered an affront to her person.--Confused--overpowered--I
stammered out a few incoherent words--Interest in her fortune--respect
--entreaty of forgiveness--and left her, to detest me.

_Cliff._ You need go no farther. I meant to rally you, but your
proceedings and emotion alarm me for your peace and honour. You are on
a double precipice; on one side impelled by folly, on the other--

_Lord G._ Hold, Clifford, I am not prepared for so much admonition.
Your tone is changed since our separation; you seem to drop the
companion, and assume the governor.

_Cliff._ No, my lord, I scorn the sycophant, and assert the friend.

_Enter SERVANT, followed by BLANDISH._

_Serv._ My lord, Mr. Blandish.

                                                               [_Exit._

_Cliff._ [_Significantly._] I hope every man will do the same.

_Blandish._ Mr. Clifford, do not let me drive you away--I want to learn
your power to gain and to preserve dear Lord Gayville's esteem.

_Cliff._ [_With a seeming Effort to withdraw his Hand, which BLANDISH
holds._] Sir, you are quite accomplished to be an example.--

_Blandish._ I have been at your apartment, to look for you--we have
been talking of you with Sir Clement--Lady Emily threw in her word.--

_Cliff._ [_Disengaging his Hand._] Oh, sir, you make me too proud.
[_Aside._] Practised parasite!

                                                               [_Exit._

_Blandish._ [_Aside._] Sneering puppy.----[_To LORD GAYVILLE._] My lord,
you seem disconcerted; has any thing new occurred?

_Lord G._ No, for there is nothing new in being disappointed in a
friend.

_Blandish._ Have you told your story to Mr. Clifford?

_Lord G._ I have, and I might as well have told it to the cynic my
uncle: he could not have discouraged or condemned me more.

_Blandish._ They are both in the right. I see things exactly as they
do--but I have less fortitude, or more attachment than others:--The
inclinations of the man, I love, are spells upon my opposition.

_Lord G._ Kind Blandish! you are the confidant I want.

_Blandish._ What has happened since your discovery in the closet?

_Lord G._ The lovely wanderer left her lodgings the next morning--but
I have again found her--she is in a house of equal retirement, but of
very different character, in the city, and inaccessible. I have wrote
to her, and knowing her to be distressed, I have enclosed bank bills
for two hundred pounds, the acceptance of which I have urged with all
the delicacy I am master of, and, by Heaven! without a purpose of
corruption.

_Blandish._ Two hundred pounds, and Lord Gayville's name--

_Lord G._ She has never known me, but by the name of Mr. Heartly. Since
my ambition has been to be loved for my own sake, I have been jealous
of my title.

_Blandish._ And pr'ythee by what diligence or chance, did Mr. Heartly
trace his fugitive?

_Lord G._ By the acuteness of Mr. Prompt, your valet de chambre. You
must pardon me for pressing into my service for this occasion, the
fellow in the world fittest for it.--Here he comes.

_Enter PROMPT._

_Prompt._ Are you alone, my lord?

                                        [_Starts at seeing his Master._

_Lord G._ Don't be afraid, Prompt--your peace is made.

_Prompt._ Then there is my return for your lordship's goodness.
[_Giving the Letter._] This letter was just now brought to the place
appointed, by a porter.

_Lord G._ By a Cupid, honest Prompt, and these characters were engraved
by the point of his arrow! [_Kissing the Superscription._] "To ----
Heartly, Esq." Blandish, did you ever see any thing like it?

_Blandish._ If her style be equal to her hand-writing--

_Lord G._ If it be equal!--Infidel! you shall have proof directly.
[_Opens the Letter precipitately._] Hey-day! what the devil's here? my
bills again, and no line--not a word--Death and disappointment, what's
this!

_Prompt._ Gad it's well if she is not off again--'faith I never asked
where the letter came from.

_Lord G._ Should you know the messenger again?

_Prompt._ I believe I should, my lord. For a Cupid he was somewhat in
years, about six feet high, and a nose rather given to purple.

_Lord G._ Spare your wit, sir, till you find him.

_Prompt._ I have a shorter way--my life upon it I start her myself.

_Blandish._ And what is your device, sirrah!

_Prompt._ Lord, sir, nothing so easy as to bring every living creature
in this town to the window: a tame bear, or a mad ox; two men, or two
dogs fighting; a balloon in the air--(or tied up to the ceiling 'tis
the same thing) make but noise enough, and out they come, first and
second childhood, and every thing between--I am sure I shall know her
by inspiration.

_Lord G._ Shall I describe her to you?

_Prompt._ No, my lord, time is too precious--I'll be at her last
lodgings, and afterwards half the town over before your lordship will
travel from her forehead to her chin.

_Lord G._ Away then, my good fellow. He cannot mistake her, for when
she was formed, nature broke the mould.

                                                        [_Exit PROMPT._

_Blandish._ Now for the blood of me, cannot I call that fellow back; it
is absolute infatuation: Ah! I see how this will end.

_Lord G._ What are your apprehensions?

_Blandish._ That my ferret yonder will do his part completely; that I
shall set all your uncle's doctrine at nought, and thus lend myself to
this wild intrigue, till the girl is put into your arms.

_Lord G._ Propitious be the thought, my best friend--my uncle's
doctrine! but advise me, how shall I keep my secret from him for the
present? 'Faith, it is not very easy; Sir Clement is suspicion
personified: his eye probes one's very thought.

_Blandish._ Your best chance would be to double your assiduities to
Miss Alscrip. But then dissimulation is so mean a vice.--

_Lord G._ It is so indeed, and if I give into it for a moment, it is
upon the determination of never being her husband. I may despise and
offend a woman; but disgust would be no excuse for betraying her.
Adieu, Blandish; if you see Prompt first, I trust to you for the
quickest communication of intelligence.

_Blandish._ I am afraid you may--I cannot resist you. [_Exit LORD
GAYVILLE._]--Ah! wrong--wrong--wrong; I hope that exclamation is not
lost. A blind compliance with a young man's passions is a poor plot
upon his affections.

                                                               [_Exit._


SCENE III.

    _MRS. SAGELY's House_.

_Enter MRS. SAGELY and MISS ALTON._

_Mrs. Sagely._ Indeed, Miss Alton, (since you are resolved to
continue that name) you may bless yourself for finding me out in this
wilderness.--Wilderness! this town is ten times more dangerous to youth
and innocence: every man you meet is a wolf.

_Miss Alton._ Dear madam, I see you dwell upon my indiscretion in
flying to London; but remember the safeguard I expected to find
here. How cruel was the disappointment! how dangerous have been the
consequences! I thought the chance happy that threw a retired lodging
in my way: I was upon my guard against the other sex, but for my own
to be treacherous to an unfortunate--could I expect it?

_Mrs. Sagely._ Suspect every body, if you would be safe--but most of
all suspect yourself. Ah, my pretty truant--the heart, that is so
violent in its aversions, is in sad danger of being the same in its
affections, depend upon it.

_Miss Alton._ Let them spring from a just esteem, and you will absolve
me: my aversion was to the character of the wretch I was threatened
with--can you reprove me?

_Mrs. Sagely._ And tell me truly now; do you feel the same detestation
for this worse character you have made acquaintance with? This
rake--this abominable Heartly?----Ah, child, your look is suspicious.

_Miss Alton._ Madam, I have not a thought, that I will not sincerely
lay open to you. Mr. Heartly is made to please, and to be avoided; I
resent his attempts, and desire never to see him more--his discovery of
me here; his letters, his offers have greatly alarmed me. I conjure you
lose not an hour in placing me under the sort of protection I solicited.

_Mrs. Sagely._ If you are resolved, I believe I can serve you. Miss
Alscrip, the great heiress, (you may have heard of the name in your
family) has been inquiring among decayed gentry for a companion. She
is too fine a lady to bear to be alone, and perhaps does not look to a
husband's company as a certain dependence. Your musical talents will be
a great recommendation--She is already apprized, and a line from me
will introduce you.

_Miss Alton._ I will avail myself of your kindness immediately.

_Prompt._ [_Without._] I tell you I have business with Mrs. Sagely--I
must come in.

_Mrs. Sagely._ As I live here is an impudent fellow forcing himself
into the passage!

_Miss Alton._ Oh Heaven! if Mr. Heartly should be behind!

_Mrs. Sagely._ Get into the back parlour; be he who he will, I'll
warrant I protect you.

                                                    [_Exit MISS ALTON._

_Enter PROMPT._ [_Looking about._]

_Mrs. Sagely._ Who are you, sir? What are you looking for?

_Prompt._ Madam, I was looking----I was looking--for you.

_Mrs. Sagely._ Well, sir, and what do you want.

_Prompt._ [_Still prying about._] Madam, I want----I want--I want--

_Mrs. Sagely._ To rob the house, perhaps.

_Prompt._ Just the contrary, Madam--to see that all is safe within
it.--You have a treasure in your possession that I would not have lost
for the world--A young lady.

_Mrs. Sagely._ Indeed!--begone about your business, friend--there are
no young ladies to be spoke with here.

_Prompt._ Lord, madam, I don't desire to speak with her--My attentions
go to ladies of the elder sort--I come to make proposals to you alone.

_Mrs. Sagely._ You make proposals to me? Did you know my late husband,
sir?

_Prompt._ Husband! My good Mrs. Sagely--be at ease--I have no more
views upon you, that way, than upon my grandmother--My proposals are of
a quite different nature.

_Mrs. Sagely._ Of a different nature? Why you audacious varlet! Here,
call a constable--

_Prompt._ Dear madam, how you continue to misunderstand me--I have a
respect for you, that will set at nought all the personal temptations
about you, depend upon it, powerful as they are--And as for the young
lady, my purpose is only that you shall guard her safe.--I would offer
you a pretty snug house in a pleasant quarter of the town, where you
two would be much more commodiously lodged--the furniture new, and in
the prettiest taste--A neat little sideboard of plate--a black boy,
with a turban to wait upon you--

_Mrs. Sagely._ And for what purpose am I to be bribed? I am above it,
sirrah. I have but a pittance, 'tis true, and heavy outgoings--My
husband's decayed bookkeeper to maintain, and poor old Smiler, that
so many years together drew our whole family in a chaise--Heavy
charges--but by cutting off my luxuries, and stopping up a few windows,
I can jog on, and scorn to be beholden to you, or him that sent you.
[_PROMPT tries at the Door, and peeps through the Key-hole._] What would
the impertinent fellow be at now? Keep the door bolted, and don't stand
in sight.

_Prompt._ [_Aside._] Oh! oh!--She is here I find, and that's
enough.----My good Mrs. Sagely--your humble servant--I would fain be
better acquainted with you--in a modest way--but must wait, I see, a
more happy hour. [_Aside, going out._] When honesty and poverty do
happen to meet, they grow so fond of each other's company, it is labour
lost to try to separate them.

                                                               [_Exit._

_Mrs. Sagely._ Shut the street door after him, and never let him in
again.

_Enter MISS ALTON, from the inner Room._

_Miss Alton._ For mercy, madam, let me begone immediately. I am very
uneasy--I am certain Mr. Heartly is at the bottom of this.

_Mrs. Sagely._ I believe it, my dear, and now see the necessity of your
removal. I'll write your letter--and Heaven protect you. Remember my
warning, suspect yourself.

                                                               [_Exit._

_Miss Alton._ In truth I will. I'll forget the forbearance of this
profligate, and remember only his intentions. And is gratitude then
suspicious? Painful lesson! A woman must not think herself secure
because she has no bad impulse to fear: she must be upon her guard,
lest her very best should betray her.




ACT THE SECOND.


SCENE I.

    _An Apartment in SIR CLEMENT FLINT's House._

_LADY EMILY GAYVILLE and CLIFFORD at Chess._

_SIR CLEMENT sitting at a Distance, pretending to read a Parchment, but
slily observing them._

_Lady E._ Check--If you do not take care, you are gone the next move.

_Cliff._ I confess, Lady Emily, you are on the point of complete victory.

_Lady E._ Pooh, I would not give a farthing for victory without a more
spirited defence.

_Cliff._ Then you must engage with those (if those there are) that do
not find you irresistible.

_Lady E._ I could find a thousand such; but I'll engage with none whose
triumph I could not submit to with pleasure.

_Sir C._ [_Apart._] Pretty significant on both sides. I wonder how much
farther it will go.

_Lady E._ Uncle, did you speak?

_Sir C._ [_Reading to himself._] "And the parties to this indenture do
farther covenant and agree, that all and every the said lands,
tenements, and hereditaments--um--um."----How useful sometimes is
ambiguity.

                                            [_Loud enough to be heard._

_Cliff._ A very natural observation of Sir Clement's upon that long
parchment.

                                  [_Pauses again upon the Chess-board._

                           [_LADY EMILY looking pensively at his Face._

_Cliff._ To what a dilemma have you reduced me, Lady Emily! If I
advance, I perish by my temerity; and it is out of my power to retreat.

_Sir C._ [_Apart._] Better and better! To talk in cipher is a curious
faculty.

_Cliff._ Sir?

_Sir C._ [_Still reading._] "In witness whereof the said parties have
hereunto interchangeably set their hands and seals, this----um--um--day
of--um----um----."

_Lady E._ [_Resuming an Air of Vivacity._] Come, I trifle with you too
long----There's your coup de grace----Uncle, I have conquered.

                                         [_Both rising from the Table._

_Sir C._ Niece, I do not doubt it----and in the style of the great
proficients, without looking upon the board. Clifford, was not your
mother's name Charlton?

                               [_Folding up the Parchment, and rising._

_Cliff._ It was, sir.

_Sir C._ In looking over the writings Alscrip has sent me, preparatory
to his daughter's settlement, I find mention of a conveyance from a Sir
William Charlton, of Devonshire. Was he a relation?

_Cliff._ My grandfather, sir: The plunder of his fortune was one of the
first materials for raising that of Mr. Alscrip, who was steward to Sir
William's estate, then manager of his difficulties, and lastly his sole
creditor.

_Sir C._ And no better monopoly than that of a needy man's distresses.
Alscrip has had twenty such, or I should not have singled out his
daughter to be Lord Gayville's wife.

_Cliff._ It is a compensation for my family losses, that in the event
they will conduce to the interest of the man I most love.

_Sir C._ Heyday, Clifford!--take care--don't trench upon the
Blandish--Your cue, you know, is sincerity.

_Cliff._ You seem to think, sir, there is no such quality. I doubt
whether you believe there is an honest man in the world.

_Sir C._ You do me great injustice--several--several--and upon the old
principle that--"honesty is the best policy."--Self-interest is the
great end of life, says human nature--Honesty is a better agent than
craft, says proverb.

_Cliff._ But as for ingenuous, or purely disinterested motives----

_Sir C._ Clifford, do you mean to laugh at me?

_Cliff._ What is your opinion, Lady Emily?

_Lady E._ [_Endeavouring again at Vivacity._] That there may be such:
but it's odds they are troublesome or insipid. Pure ingenuousness, I
take it, is a rugged sort of thing, which scarcely will bear the polish
of common civility; and for disinterestedness--young people sometimes
set out with it; but it is like travelling upon a broken spring--one is
glad to get it mended at the next stage.

_Sir C._ Emily, I protest you seem to study after me; proceed, child,
and we will read together every character that comes in our way.

_Lady E._ Read one's acquaintance----delightful! What romances, novels,
satires, and mock heroics present themselves to my imagination! Our
young men are flimsy essays; old ones, political pamphlets; coquets,
fugitive pieces; and fashionable beauties, a compilation of advertised
perfumery, essence of pearl, milk of roses, and Olympian dew.----Lord,
I should now and then though turn over an acquaintance with a sort of
fear and trembling.

_Cliff._ How so?

_Lady E._ Lest one should pop unaware upon something one should not,
like a naughty speech in an old comedy; but it is only skipping what
would make one blush.

_Sir C._ Or if you did not skip, when a woman reads by herself, and to
herself, there are wicked philosophers, who doubt whether her blushes
are very troublesome.

_Lady E._ [_To SIR CLEMENT._] Do you know now that for that speech of
yours--and for that saucy smile of yours, [_To CLIFFORD._] I am strongly
tempted to read you both aloud!

_Sir C._ Come try----I'll be the first to open the book.

_Lady E._ A treatise of the Houyhnhnms, after the manner of Swift,
tending to make us odious to ourselves, and to extract morose mirth
from our imperfections.--[_Turning to CLIFFORD._] Contrasted with an
exposition of ancient morality addressed to the moderns: a chimerical
attempt upon an obsolete subject.

_Sir C._ Clifford! we must double down that page. And now we'll have a
specimen of her Ladyship.

_Lady E._ I'll give it you myself, and with justice; Which is more than
either of you would.

_Sir C._ And without skipping.

_Lady E._ Thus then; a light, airy, fantastic sketch of genteel manners
as they are; with a little endeavour at what they ought to be--rather
entertaining than instructive, not without art, but sparing in the use
of it----

_Sir C._ But the passions, Emily. Do not forget what should stand in
the foreground of a female treatise.

_Lady E._ They abound: but mixed and blended cleverly enough to prevent
any from predominating; like the colours of a shot lutestring, that
change as you look at it sideways or full: they are sometimes brightened
by vivacity, and now and then subject to a shade of caprice--but
meaning no ill--not afraid of a Critical Review: and thus, gentlemen, I
present myself to you fresh from the press, and I hope not inelegantly
bound.

_Sir C._ Altogether making a perfectly desirable companion for the
closet: I am sure, Clifford, you will agree with me. Gad we are got
into such a pleasant freedom with each other, it is a pity to separate
while any curiosity remains in the company. Pr'ythee, Clifford, satisfy
me a little as to your history. Old Lord Hardacre, if I am rightly
informed, disinherited your father, his second son.

_Cliff._ For the very marriage we have been speaking of. The little
fortune my father could call his own was sunk before his death, as a
provision for my mother; upon an idea that whatever resentment he might
personally have incurred, it would not be extended to an innocent
offspring.

_Sir C._ A very silly confidence. How readily now, should you and I,
Emily, have discovered in a sensible old man, the irreconcileable
offence of a marriage of the passions----You understand me?

_Lady E._ Perfectly! [_Aside._] Old petrifaction, your hints always
speak forcibly.

_Sir C._ But your uncle, the present Lord, made amends?

_Cliff._ Amply. He offered to send me from Cambridge to an academy in
Germany, to fit me for foreign service: Well judging that a cannon ball
was a fair and quick provision for a poor relation.

_Sir C._ Upon my word I have known uncles less considerate.

_Cliff._ When Lord Gayville's friendship, and your indulgence, made me
the companion of his travels, Lord Hardacre's undivided cares devolved
upon my sister: whose whole independent possession, at my mother's
death, was five hundred pounds----All our education had permitted that
unhappy parent to lay by.

_Lady E._ Oh, for an act of justice and benevolence, to reconcile me to
the odious man! Tell me this instant what did he do for Miss Clifford?

_Cliff._ He bestowed upon her forty pounds a-year, upon condition that
she resided with one of his dependents in a remote county, to save the
family from disgrace; and that allowance, when I heard last from her,
he had threatened to withdraw upon her refusing a detestable match he
had endeavoured to force upon her.

_Lady E._ Poor girl!

_Sir C._ Upon my word an interesting story, and told with pathetic
effect.--Emily, you look grave, child.

_Lady E._ [_Aside._] I shall not own it however. [_To him._] For once,
my dear uncle, you want your spectacles. My thoughts are on a diverting
subject--My first visit to Miss Alscrip; to take a near view of that
collection of charms destined to my happy brother.

_Sir C._ You need not go out of the room for that purpose. The schedule
of an heiress's fortune is a compendium of her merits, and the true
security for marriage happiness.

_Lady E._ I am sure I guess at your system--That union must be most
wise, which has wealth to support it, and no affections to disturb it.

_Sir C._ Right.

_Lady E._ That makes a divorce the first promise of wedlock; and
widowhood the best blessing of life; that separates the interest of
husband, wife, and child----

_Sir C._ To establish the independent comfort of all----

_Lady E._ Upon the broad basis of family hatred. Excellent, my dear
uncle, excellent indeed; and upon that principle, though the lady is
likely to be your niece, and my sister, I am sure you will have no
objection to my laughing at her a little.

_Sir C._ You'll be puzzled to make her more ridiculous than I think
her. What is your plan?

_Lady E._ Why, though her pride is to be thought a leader in fashions,
she is sometimes a servile copyist. Blandish tells me I am her principal
model; and what is most provoking, she is intent upon catching my
manner as well as my dress, which she exaggerates to an excess that
vexes me. Now if she will take me in shade, I'll give her a new
outline, I am resolved; and if I do not make her a caricature for
a printshop----

_Cliff._ Will all this be strictly consistent with your goodnature,
Lady Emily?

_Lady E._ No, nor I don't know when I shall do any thing consistent
with it again, except leaving you two critics to a better subject than
your humble servant.

                             [_Courtesies, and exit with a lively air._

_Sir C._ Well, Clifford! What do you think of her?

_Cliff._ That when she professes ill-temper, she is a very awkward
counterfeit.

_Sir C._ But her beauty, her wit, her improvement since you went
abroad? I expected from a man of your age and taste, something more
than a cold compliment upon her temper. Could not you, compatibly with
the immaculate sincerity you profess, venture as far as admiration?

_Cliff._ I admire her, sir, as I do a bright star in the firmament, and
consider the distance of both as equally immeasurable.

_Sir C._ [_Aside._] Specious rogue! [_To him._] Well, leave Emily then
to be winked at through telescopes; and now to a matter of nearer
observation----What is Gayville doing?

_Cliff._ Every thing you desire, sir, I trust; but you know I have been
at home only three days, and have hardly seen him since I came.

_Sir C._ Nor I neither; but I find he has profited wonderfully by
foreign experience. After rambling half the world over without harm, he
is caught, like a travelled woodcock, at his landing.

_Cliff._ If you suspect Lord Gayville of indiscretion, why do you not
put him candidly to the test? I'll be bound for his ingenuousness not
to withold any confession you may require.

_Sir C._ You may be right, but he'll confess more to you in an hour,
than to me in a month, for all that; come, Clifford, look as you ought
to do at your interest--Sift him--Watch him--You cannot guess how much
you will make me your friend, and how grateful I may be if you will
discover----

_Cliff._ Sir, you mistake the footing upon which Lord Gayville and I
live----I am often the partner of his thoughts, but never a spy upon
his actions.

                                                      [_Bows and exit._

_Sir C._ [_Alone._] Well played Clifford! Good air and emphasis, and
well suited to the trick of the scene.--He would do, if the practical
part of deceit were as easy at his age, as discernment of it is at
mine. Gayville and Emily, if they had not a vigilant guard, would be
his sure prey; for they are examples of the generous affections coming
to maturity with their stature; while suspicion, art, and interest are
still dormant in the seed. I must employ Blandish in this business--A
rascal of a different cast--Below Clifford in hypocrisy, but greatly
above him in the scale of impudence. They shall both forward my ends,
while they think they are pursuing their own. I shall ever be sure of a
man's endeavours to serve me, while I hold out a lure to his knavery
and interest.

                                                               [_Exit._


SCENE II.

    _An Antichamber._

_Alscrip._ [_Without._] Dinner not ordered till seven o'clock--Bid the
kitchen-maid get me some eggs and bacon. Plague, what with the time of
dining and the French cookery, I am in the land of starvation, with
half St. James's-Market upon my weekly bills.

_Enter [while speaking the last Sentence.]_

What a change have I made to please my unpleaseable daughter? Instead
of my regular meal at Furnival's Inn, here am I transported to
Berkeley-Square, to fast at Alscrip House, till my fine company come
from their morning ride two hours after dark----Nay, it's worse, if I
am carried among my great neighbours in Miss Alscrip's suite, as she
calls it. My lady looks over me; my lord walks over me; and sets me in
a little tottering cane chair, at the cold corner of the table--Though
I have a mortgage upon the house and furniture, and arrears due of the
whole interest. It's a pleasure though to be well dressed. My daughter
maintains all fashions are founded in sense----Icod the tightness
of my wig, and the stiffness of my cape, give me the sense of the
pillory--Plaguy scanty about the hips too--And the breast something of
a merrythought reversed--But there is some sense in that, for if one
sex pares away in proportion where the other swells, we shall take up
no more room in the world than we did before.

_Enter a SERVANT._

_Serv._ Sir, Miss Alscrip wishes to see you.

_Alscrip._ Who is with her?

_Serv._ Only Mrs. Blandish, sir.

_Alscrip._ She must content herself with that company, till I have had
my whet----Order up the eggs and bacon.

                                                               [_Exit._


SCENE III.

    _MISS ALSCRIP discovered at her Toilet. CHIGNON, [her Valet de
    Chambre,] dressing her Head. MRS. BLANDISH sitting by, and holding
    a Box of Diamond Pins._

_Miss Als._ And so, Blandish, you really think that the introduction of
Otahaite feathers in my trimming succeeded?

_Mrs. Blandish._ Oh, with the mixture of those charming Italian
flowers, and the knots of pearl that gathered up the festoons, never
any thing had so happy an effect----It put the whole ball-room out of
humour. Monsieur Chignon, that pin a little more to the front.

_Miss Als._ And what did they say?

_Mrs. Blandish._ You know it is the first solicitude of my life to see
the friend of my heart treated with justice. So when you stood up to
dance, I got into the thick of the circle----Monsieur, don't you think
this large diamond would be well placed just in the middle?

_Chignon._ Eh! non, madame; ce ne releve pas----Dat give no relief to
de weight of de curl----Full in de front un gros bouton, von great nob
of diamond! pardie ce seroit un accommodage à la Polyphême; de big
eye of de geant in de centre of de forehead.

_Miss Als._ Chignon is right in point of taste, though not quite so
happy in his allusions as he is sometimes.

_Chignon._ Ah! Madame, you have done von grande injure to my contrée:
You go for von monthe, and bring avay all de good taste----At
Paris----all von side----de diamond--de cap--de glance--de bon mot
même--All von side, nothing direct à Paris.

_Miss Als._ [_Smiling at CHIGNON, and then turning to MRS. BLANDISH._]
Well!----And so----

_Mrs. Blandish._ So it was all admiration! Elegant, says Lady Spite--it
may do very well for Miss Alscrip, who never looks at expense. The
dress of a bridal princess! cries Mrs. Scanty, and for one night's wear
too!

_Miss Als._ Delightful! the very language I wished for----Oh, how
charmingly apropos was my accident! did you see when my trimming in the
passe-pied of a cotilion came luckily in contact with Billy Skim's
great shoe-buckle--How it ripped away?

_Mrs. Blandish._ Did I see it?

_Miss Als._ One of the great feathers stuck fast on the shoe, and
looked for all the world like the heel wing of a Mercury in a pantomime.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Oh! you witty creature, how you describe!

_Miss Als._ It was a most becoming rent!

_Mrs. Blandish._ And what a display of indifference; what an example
for a woman of fortune, did you exhibit in the bustle of picking up the
scattered fragments!

_Miss Als._ When the pearls were trundling about, and I insisted upon
the company being no longer disturbed, but would leave what remained
for fairy favours to the maid who swept the room. He! he! he! Do you
think Lady Emily would have done that better?

_Mrs. Blandish._ Lady Emily? poor girl!--How soon must she submit to be
the humble second of the family.

_Miss Als._ He! he! he! Do you sincerely think so, Blandish? And yet it
would be strange if it were otherwise, for I could buy her ten times
over.

_Chignon._ Madame, vat humeure vould you wear to-day?

_Miss Als._ Humour, Chignon? What am I dressed for now?

_Chignon._ The parfaite aimable, madam: but my bringing de point of de
hair more down to de eye-brow, or adding a little blowse to de sides,
I can give you de look severe, capricieuse--vat you please.

_Miss Als._ We'll put it off for half an hour, I am not quite decided.
I was in the capricieuse yesterday--I believe I shall keep on the
perfect amiable. [_Exit CHIGNON._] Tiffany, take off my powdering
gown----Ah! ho!----How the wench tugs--do you think you are pulling
off the coachman's greatcoat?

_Mrs. Blandish._ My dear amiable!--do not let that sweet temper be
ruffled--Why will you not employ me in these little offices. Delicacy
like yours should be waited upon by the softness of a sylph.

                          [_During this Speech exit TIFFANY peevishly._

_Miss Als._ I am promised a creature to be about me out of the common
way.

_Mrs. Blandish._ A new woman?

_Miss Als._ No; something to be raised much higher, and at the same time
fitted better to receive one's ill-humour. An humble companion, well
born, well educated, and perfectly dependent, is a most useful
appurtenance in the best families.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Well, do not raise her to the rank of a friend, lest I
should be jealous.

_Miss Als._ You may be perfectly secure--I shall take particular care
that friendship shall be out of the question on both sides. I had once
thought of a restoration of pages to sit in scarlet and silver (as one
reads in former times) upon the forepart of the coach, and to hold up
one's train--but I have a new male attendant in a valet de chambre, who
has possession of my bust--My two women will have the charge from the
point of the shoulder to the toe--So my person being provided for--the
Countess of Gayville shall have an attendant to wait upon her mind.

_Mrs. Blandish._ I vow a most elegant and uncommon thought.

_Miss Als._ One that can pen a note in the familiar, the punctilious,
or the witty--It's quite troublesome to be always writing wit for one's
self--But above all, she is to have a talent for music.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Ay, your very soul is framed for harmony.

_Miss Als._ I have not quite determined what to call her--Governante of
the private chamber, keeper of the boudoir, with a silver key at her
breast----

_Enter CHIGNON._

_Chignon._ Madame, a young lady beg to know if you be visible.

_Miss Als._ A young lady--It is not Lady Emily Gayville?

_Chignon._ Non, madam, but if you were absente, and I had the adjustment
of her head, she would be the most charmante personne I did ever see.

_Miss Als._ Introduce her. [_Exit CHIGNON._] Who can this be?

_Mrs. Blandish._ Some woman of taste, to inquire your correspondent at
Paris--or--

_Enter MISS ALTON._

_MISS ALSCRIP courtesying respectfully; MISS ALTON retiring disconcerted._

_Miss Als._ Of taste indeed, by her appearance!--Who's in the
antichamber? Why did they not open the folding doors?--Chignon,
approach a fauteuil for the lady.

_Miss Alton._ Madam, I come!--

_Miss Als._ Madam, pray be seated--

_Miss Alton._ Excuse me, madam,--

_Miss Als._ Madam, I must beg--

_Miss Alton._ Madam, this letter will inform you how little pretension
I have to the honours you are offering.

_Miss Als._ [Reads.] _Miss Alton, the bearer of this, is the person
I recommended as worthy the honour of attending you as a companion._
[Eyes her scornfully.] _She is born a gentlewoman; I dare say her
talents and good qualities will speak more in her favour, than any
words I could use--I am, Madam, your most obedient_--um--um--. Blandish,
was there ever such a mistake?

_Mrs. Blandish._ Oh! you dear, giddy, absent creature, what could you
be thinking of?

_Miss Als._ Absent indeed. Chignon, give me the fauteuil; [_Throws
herself into it._] Young woman, where were you educated?

_Miss Alton._ Chiefly, madam, with my parents.

_Miss Als._ But finished, I take it for granted, at a country boarding
school; for we have, _young ladies_, you know Blandish, _boarded and
educated_, upon blue boards, in gold letters, in every village; with a
strolling player for a dancing master, and a deserter from Dunkirk, to
teach the French grammar.

_Mrs. Blandish._ How that genius of yours does paint! nothing escapes
you--I dare say you have anticipated this young lady's story.

_Miss Alton._ It is very true, madam, my life can afford nothing to
interest the curiosity of you two ladies; it has been too insignificant
to merit your concern, and attended with no circumstances to excite
your pleasantry.

_Miss Als._ [_Yawning._] I hope, child, it will be attended with such
for the future as will add to your own--I cannot bear a mope about
me.--I am told you have a talent for music--can you touch that harp--It
stands here as a piece of furniture, but I have a notion it is kept in
tune, by the man who comes to wind up my clocks.

_Miss Alton._ Madam, I dare not disobey you. But I have been used to
perform before a most partial audience; I am afraid strangers will
think my talent too humble to be worthy attention.


SONG.

  _For tenderness framed in life's earliest day,_
  _A parent's soft sorrows to mine led the way;_
  _The lesson of pity was caught from her eye,_
  _And ere words were my own, I spoke in a sigh._

  _The nightingale plunder'd, the mate-widow'd dove,_
  _The warbled complaint of the suffering grove,_
  _To youth as it ripened gave sentiment new,_
  _The object still changing, the sympathy true._

  _Soft embers of passion yet rest in the glow--_
  _A warmth of more pain may this breast never know!_
  _Or if too indulgent the blessing I claim,_
  _Let reason awaken, and govern the flame._

_Miss Als._ I declare not amiss, Blandish: only a little too
plaintive--but I dare say she can play a country dance, when the
enlivening is required--So, Miss Alton, you are welcome to my
protection; and indeed I wish you to stay from this hour. My toilet
being nearly finished, I shall have a horrid vacation till dinner.

_Miss Alton._ Madam, you do me great honour, and I very readily obey
you.

_Mrs. Blandish._ I wish you joy, Miss Alton, of the most enviable
situation a young person of elegant talents could be raised to. You and
I will vie with each other, to prevent our dear countess ever knowing
a melancholy hour. She has but one fault to correct--the giving way to
the soft effusions of a too tender heart.

_Enter SERVANT._

_Serv._ Madam, a letter----

_Miss Als._ It's big enough for a state packet--Oh! mercy, a
petition--for Heaven's sake, Miss Alton, look it over. [_MISS ALTON
reads._] I should as soon read one of Lady Newchapel's methodist
sermons--What does it contain?

_Miss Alton._ Madam, an uncommon series of calamities, which prudence
could neither see, nor prevent: the reverse of a whole family from
affluence and content to misery and imprisonment; and it adds, that the
parties have the honour, remotely, to be allied to you.

_Miss Als._ Remote relations! ay, they always think one's made of money.

_Enter another SERVANT._

_2 Serv._ A messenger, madam, from the animal repository, with the only
puppy of the Peruvians, and the refusal at twenty guineas.

_Miss Als._ Twenty guineas! Were he to ask fifty, I must have him.

_Mrs. Blandish._ [_Offering to run out._] I vow I'll give him the first
kiss.

_Miss Als._ [_Stopping her._] I'll swear you shan't.

_Miss Alton._ Madam, I was just finishing the petition.

_Miss Als._ It's throwing money away--But give him a crown.

              [_Exit with MRS. BLANDISH striving which shall be first._

_Miss Alton._ "The soft effusions of a too tender heart." The proof
is excellent. That the covetous should be deaf to the miserable, I can
conceive; but I should not have believed, if I had not seen, that a
taste for profusion did not find its first indulgence in benevolence.

                                                               [_Exit._




ACT THE THIRD.


SCENE I.

    _MISS ALSCRIP's Dressing-room._

_MISS ALTON, discovered._

_Miss Alton._ Thanks to Mrs. Blandish's inexhaustible talent for
encomium, I shall be relieved from one part of a companion that my
nature revolts at. But who comes here? It's well if I shall not be
exposed to impertinences I was not aware of.

_Enter CHIGNON._

_Chignon._ [_Aside._] Ma foi, la voila--I will lose no time to pay my
addresse--Now for de humble maniere, and de unperplex assurance of my
contrée [_Bowing with a French shrug.--MISS ALTON turning over Music
Books._] Mademoiselle, est-il permis? may I presume to offer you my
profound homage [_MISS ALTON not taking Notice._] Mademoiselle--if you
vill put your head into my hands, I vill give a distinction to your
beauty, that shall make you and me de conversation of all de town.

_Miss Alton._ I request, Mr. Chignon, you will devote your ambition to
your own part of the compliment.

_Mr. Als._ [_Without._] Where is my daughter?

_Miss Alton._ Is that Mr. Alscrip's voice, Mr. Chignon? It's awkward
for me to meet him before I'm introduced.

_Chignon._ Keep a little behind, mademoiselle; he vill only pashe de
room--He vill not see through me.

_Enter ALSCRIP._

_Alscrip._ Hah, my daughter gone already, but [_Sees CHIGNON._] there's
a new specimen of foreign vermin--A lady's valet de chambre--Taste for
ever!--Now if I was to give the charge of my person to a waiting maid,
they'd say I was indelicate. [_As he crosses the Stage, CHIGNON keeps
sideling to intercept his Sight, and bowing as he looks towards him._]
What the devil is mounseer at? I thought all his agility lay in his
fingers: what antics is the monkey practising? He twists and doubles
himself as if he had a raree-show at his back.

_Chignon._ [_Aside._] Be gar no raree-show for you, monsieur Alscrip,
if I can help.

_Alscrip._ [_Spying MISS ALTON._] Ah! ah! What have we got there?
Monsieur, who is that?

_Chignon._ Sir, my lady wish to speak to you in her boudoir. She sent
me to conduct you, sir.

_Alscrip._ [_Imitating._] Yes, sir, but I will first conduct myself to
this lady--Tell me this minute, who she is?

_Chignon._ Sir, she come to live here, companion to my lady--Mademoiselle
study some musique--she must not be disturbed.

_Alscrip._ Get about your business, monsieur, or I'll disturb every
comb in your head--Go tell my daughter to stay till I come to her. I
shall give her companion some cautions against saucy Frenchmen, sirrah!

_Chignon._ [_Aside._] Cautions! peste! you are subject a' cautions
yourself--I suspecte you to be von old rake, but no ver dangerous rival.

                                                               [_Exit._

_Alscrip._ [_To himself, and looking at her with his Glass._] The
devil is never tired of throwing baits in my way. [_She comes forward
modestly._] By all that's delicious! I must be better acquainted with
her. [_He bows. She courtesies, the Music Book still in her Hand._]
But how to begin--My usual way of attacking my daughter's maids will
never do.

_Miss Alton._ [_Aside._] My situation is very embarrassing.

_Alscrip._ Beauteous stranger, give me leave to add my welcome to my
daughter's. Since Alscrip House was established, she never brought any
thing into it to please me before.

_Miss Alton._ [_A little confused._] Sir, it is a great additional
honour to that Miss Alscrip has done me, to be thought worthy so
respectable a protection as yours.

_Alscrip._ I could furnish you with a better word than respectable.
It sounds so distant, and my feelings have so little to do with cold
respect--I never had such a desire--to make myself agreeable.

_Miss Alton._ [_Aside._] A very strange old man. [_To him, more
confused._] Sir, you'll pardon me, I believe Miss Alscrip is waiting.

_Alscrip._ Don't be afraid, my dear, enchanting diffident (zounds, what
a flutter am I in!) don't be afraid--my disposition, to be sure, is too
susceptible; but then it is likewise so dove-like, so tender, and so
innocent. Come, play me that tune, and enchant my ear, as you have done
my eye.

_Miss Alton._ Sir, I wish to be excused, indeed it does not deserve
your attention.

_Alscrip._ Not deserve it! I had rather hear you, than all the
signoritininies together.--These are the strings to which my senses
shall dance.

                                                      [_Sets the Harp._

_Miss Alton._ Sir, it is to avoid the affectation of refusing what is
so little worth asking for.

                 [_Takes the Harp and plays a Few Bars of a lively Air.
                              ALSCRIP kisses her Fingers with rapture._

_Alscrip._ Oh! the sweet little twiddle-diddles!

_Miss Alton._ For shame, sir, what do you mean?

                    [_ALSCRIP gets hold of both her Hands and continues
                                                  kissing her Fingers._

_Miss Alton._ [_Struggling._] Help!

_Enter Miss ALSCRIP._

_Miss Als._ I wonder what my papa is doing all this time?

[_A short Pause--MISS ALSCRIP surprised.--MISS ALTON confused.--ALSCRIP
puts his Hand to his Eye._

_Alscrip._ Oh, child! I have got something in my eye, that makes me
almost mad.--A little midge--believe.--'Gad, I caught hold of this
young lady's hand in one of my twitches, and her nerves were as much in
a flutter as if I had bit her.

_Miss Als._ [_Significantly._] Yes, my dear papa, I perceive you have
something in your eye, and I'll do my best to take it out
immediately----Miss Alton, will you do me the favour to walk into the
drawing room?

_Miss Alton._ I hope, madam, you will permit me, at a proper
opportunity, to give my explanation of what has passed?

                                                            [_Retires._

_Miss Als._ There's no occasion--Let it rest among the catalogue of
wonders, like the Glastonbury thorn, that blooms at Christmas.----To be
serious, papa, though I carried off your behaviour as well as I could,
I am really shocked at it--A man of your years, and of a profession
where the opinion of the world is of such consequence--

_Alscrip._ My dear Molly, have not I quitted the practice of attorney,
and turned fine gentleman, to laugh at the world's opinion; or, had I
not, do you suppose the kiss of a pretty wench would hurt a lawyer? My
dear Molly, if the fraternity had no other reflections to be afraid of!

_Miss Als._ Oh! hideous, Molly indeed! you ought to have forgot I had a
christened name long ago; am not I going to be a countess? If you did
not stint my fortune, by squand'ring yours away upon dirty trulls, I
might be called your grace.

_Alscrip._ Spare your lectures, and you shall be called your highness,
if you please.

_Enter SERVANT._

_Serv._ Madam, Lady Emily Gayville is in her carriage in the street,
will your ladyship be at home?

_Miss Als._ Yes, show her into the drawing room. [_Exit SERVANT._]
I entreat, sir, you will keep a little more guard upon your passions;
consider the dignity of your house, and if you must be cooing, buy a
French figurante.

                                                               [_Exit._

_Alscrip._ Well said, my lady countess! well said, quality morals! What
am I the better for burying a jealous wife? To be chicken pecked is a
new persecution, more provoking than the old one--Oh Molly! Molly!--

                                                               [_Exit._


SCENE II.

    _The Drawing Room._

_MISS ALTON, alone._

_Miss Alton._ What perplexing scenes I already meet with in this house?
I ought, however, to be contented in the security it affords against
the attempts of Heartly. I am contented--But, O Clifford! It was hard
to be left alone to the choice of distresses.

_Enter CHIGNON, introducing LADY EMILY._

_Chignon._ My Lady Emily Gayville--Madame no here! Mademoiselle,
announce, if you please, my lady.

_Lady E._ [_Aside._] Did my ears deceive me? surely I heard the name of
Clifford--and it escaped in an accent!--Pray, sir, who is that?

                                                         [_To CHIGNON._

_Chignon._ Mademoiselle Alton, confidante of my lady, and next after me
in her suite.

[_Examines her Head Dress impertinently. MISS ALTON with great modesty
rises and puts her Work together._

_Lady E._ There seems to be considerable difference in the decorum of
her attendants. You need not stay, sir.

_Chignon._ [_As he goes out._] Ma foi, sa tête est passable--her head
may pass.

_Lady E._ [_Aside._] How my heart beats with curiosity! [_MISS ALTON
having disposed her things in her Work Bag, is retiring with a Courtesy._]
Miss Alton, I am in no haste. On the contrary, I think the occasion
fortunate that allows me to begin an acquaintance with a person of so
amiable an appearance. I don't know whether that pert foreigner has led
me into an error--but without being too inquisitive, may I ask if you
make any part of this family?

_Miss Alton._ Madam, I am under Miss Alscrip's protection: I imagine I
am represented as her dependent: I am not ashamed of humble circumstances,
that are not the consequences of indiscretion.

_Lady E._ That with such claims to respect you should be in any
circumstances of humiliation, is a disgrace to the age we live in.

_Miss Alton._ Madam, my humiliation (if such it be) is just. Perhaps
I have been too proud, and my heart required this self-correction.
A life of retired industry might have been more pleasing to me; but
an orphan--a stranger--ignorant and diffident, I preferred my present
situation, as one less exposed to misrepresentation. [_Bell rings._]
I can no longer detain Miss Alscrip from the honour of receiving your
ladyship.

                                    [_A respectful Courtesy, and exit._

_Lady E._ There is something strangely mysterious and affecting in all
this----what delicacy of sentiment--what softness of manners! and how
well do these qualities accord with that sigh for Clifford! she has
been proud--proud of what?--of Clifford's love. It is too plain. But
then to account for her present condition?--He has betrayed and
abandoned her--too plain again, I fear.--She talked too of a
self-corrected heart--take example, Emily, and recall thine from an
object, which it ought more than ever to renounce. But here come the
Alscrip and her friend: lud! lud! lud! how shall I recover my spirits!
I must attempt it, and if I lose my present thoughts in a trial of
extravagance, be it of theirs or my own, it will be a happy expedient.

_Enter MISS ALSCRIP and MRS. BLANDISH._

[_MISS ALSCRIP runs up to LADY EMILY and kisses her Forehead._

_Lady E._ I ask your pardon, madam, for being so awkward, but I confess
I did not expect so elevated a salute.

_Miss Als._ Dear Lady Emily, I had no notion of its not being
universal. In France, the touch of the lips, just between the eyebrows,
has been adopted for years.

_Lady E._ I perfectly acknowledge the propriety of the custom. It is
almost the only spot of the face where the touch would not risk a
confusion of complexions.

_Miss Als._ He! he! he! what a pretty thought!

_Mrs. Blandish._ How I have longed for this day!--Come, let me put an
end to ceremony, and join the hands of the sweetest pair that ever
nature and fortune marked for connexion.

                                                  [_Joins their Hands._

_Miss Als._ Thank you, my good Blandish, though I was determined to
break the ice, Lady Emily, in the first place I met you. But you were
not at Lady Dovecourt's last night.

_Lady E._ [_Affectedly._] No, I went home directly from the Opera:
projected the revival of a cap: read a page in the trials of Temper;
went to bed and dreamed I was Belinda in the Rape of the Lock.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Elegant creature!

_Miss Als._ [_Aside._] I must have that air, if I die for it.
[_Imitating._] I too came home early; supped with my old gentleman;
made him explain my marriage articles, dower, and heirs entail; read a
page in a trial of divorce, and dreamed of a rose-colour equipage, with
emblems, of Cupids issuing out of coronets.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Oh, you sweet twins of perfection----what equality
in every thing! I have thought of a name for you--The Inseparable
Inimitables.

_Miss Als._ I declare I shall like it exceedingly--one sees so few
uncopied originals--the thing I cannot bear--

_Lady E._ Is vulgar imitation--I must catch the words from your mouth,
to show you how we agree.

_Miss Als._ Exactly. Not that one wishes to be without affectation.

_Lady E._ Oh! mercy forbid!

_Miss Als._ But to catch a manner, and weave it, as I may say, into
one's own originality.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Pretty! pretty!

_Lady E._ That's the art--Lord, if one lived entirely upon one's own
whims, who would not be run out in a twelvemonth?

_Miss Als._ Dear Lady Emily, don't you dote upon folly?

_Lady E._ To ecstacy. I only despair of seeing it well kept up.

_Miss Als._ I flatter myself there is no great danger of that.

_Lady E._ You are mistaken. We have, 'tis true, some examples of the
extravaganza in high life, that no other country can match; but withal,
many a false sister, that starts as one would think, in the very heyday
of the fantastic, yet comes to a stand-still in the midst of the course.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Poor, spiritless creatures!

_Lady E._ Do you know there is more than one duchess who has been seen
in the same carriage with her husband--like two doves in a basket, in
the print of Conjugal Felicity; and another has been detected--I almost
blush to name it--

_Mrs. Blandish._ Bless us! where? and how? and how?

_Lady E._ In nursing her own child!

_Miss Als._ Oh! barbarism!----For heaven's sake let us change the
subject. You were mentioning a revived cap, Lady Emily; any thing of
the Henry Quatre?

_Lady E._ Quite different. An English mob under the chin, and artless
ringlets, in natural colour, that shall restore an admiration for
Prior's Nut-brown Maid.

_Miss Als._ Horrid! shocking!

_Lady E._ Absolutely necessary. To be different from the rest of the
world, we must now revert to nature: Make haste, or you have so much to
undo, you will be left behind.

_Miss Als._ I dare say so. But who can vulgarize all at once? What will
the French say?

_Lady E._ Oh, we shall have a new treaty for the interchange of
fashions and follies, and then say, they will complain, as they do of
other treaties, that we out manufactured them.

_Miss Als._ Fashions and follies! O what a charming contention!

_Lady E._ Yes, and one, thank Heaven, so perfectly well understood on
both sides, that no counter declaration will be wanted to explain it.

_Miss Als._ [_With an affected drop of her Lip in her Laugh._] He! he!
he! he! he! he!

_Lady E._ My dear Miss Alscrip, what are you doing? I must correct you
as I love you. Sure you must have observed the drop of the under lip
is exploded since Lady Simpermode broke a tooth--[_Sets her Mouth
affectedly._]--I am preparing the cast of the lips for the ensuing
winter----thus--It is to be called the Paphian mimp.

_Miss Als._ [_Imitating._] I swear I think it pretty--I must try to get
it.

_Lady E._ Nothing so easy. It is done by one cabalistical word, like
a metamorphosis in the fairy tales. You have only, when before your
glass, to keep pronouncing to yourself nimini-pimini--the lips cannot
fail taking their plie.

_Miss Als._ Nimini--pimini--imini, mimini--oh, it's delightfully
infantine--and so innocent, to be kissing one's own lips.

_Lady E._ You have it to a charm--does it not become her infinitely,
Mrs. Blandish?

_Mrs. Blandish._ Our friend's features must succeed in every grace! but
never so much as in a quick change of extremes.

_Enter SERVANT._

_Serv._ Madam, Lord Gayville desires to know if you are at home?

_Miss Als._ A strange formality!

_Lady E._ [_Aside._] No brother ever came more opportunely to a
sister's relief, "I have fooled it to the top of my bent."

_Miss Als._ Desire Miss Alton to come to me. [_Exit SERVANT._] Lady
Emily, you must not blame me; I am supporting the cause of our sex,
and must punish a lover for some late inattentions--I shall not
see him.

_Lady E._ Oh cruel!

                                                    [_Sees MISS ALTON._

_Enter MISS ALTON._

Miss Alscrip, you have certainly the most elegant companion in the
world.

_Miss Als._ Dear, do you think so? an ungain, dull sort of a body, in
my mind; but we'll try her in the present business. Miss Alton, you
must do me a favour.--I want to plague my husband that is to be--you
must take my part--you must double me like a second actress at Paris,
when the first has the vapours.

_Miss Alton._ Really, madam, the task you would impose upon me--

_Miss Als._ Will be a great improvement to you, and quite right for
me.--Don't be grave, Lady Emily--[_Whose attention is fixed on MISS
ALTON._] Your brother's penance shall be short, and I'll take the
reconciliation scene upon myself.

_Lady E._ [_Endeavouring to recover herself._] I cannot but pity him;
especially as I am sure, that do what you will, he will always regard
you with the same eyes. And so, my sweet sister, I leave him to your
mercy, and to that of your representative, whose disposition, if I have
any judgment, is ill suited to a task of severity.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Dear Lady Emily, carry me away with you. When a lover
is coming, it shall never be said I am in the way.

_Lady E._ [_Looking at MISS ALTON.--Aside._] What a painful suspense
am I to suffer? another instant, and I shall betray myself--adieu, Miss
Alscrip.

_Miss Als._ Call Lady Emily's servants.

_Lady E._ You sha'n't stir--remember nimini primini. I am at your orders.

                                                               [_Exit._

_Mrs. Blandish._ I follow you, my sweet volatile. [_Coming back, and
squeezing MISS ALSCRIP's Hand, in a half whisper._] She'd give her eyes,
to be like you.

                                                               [_Exit._

_Miss Als._ Now for it, Miss Alton--Only remember that you are doubling
me, the woman he adores.

_Miss Alton._ Indeed, madam, I am quite incapable of executing your
orders to your satisfaction. The utmost I can undertake is a short
message.

_Miss Als._ Never fear. [_Knock at the Door._] There he comes--Step
aside, and I'll give you your very words.

                                                             [_Exeunt._

_Enter LORD GAYVILLE, conducted by a SERVANT._

_Lord G._ So, now to get thorough this piece of drudgery. There's a
meanness in my proceeding, and my compunction is just. Oh, the dear,
lost possessor of my heart; lost, irrecoverably lost!

_Enter MISS ALTON, from the Bottom of the Scene._

_Miss Alton._ A pretty employment I am sent upon!

_Lord G._ [_To himself._] Could she but know the sacrifice I am ready
to make!

_Miss Alton._ [_To herself._] The very picture of a lover, if absence
of mind marks one. It is unpleasant for me to interrupt a man I never
saw, but I shall deliver my message very concisely.--My lord----

_Lord G._ [_Turning._] Madam. [_Both start and stand in surprise._]
Astonishment! Miss Alton! my charming fugitive?

_Miss Alton._ How, Mr. Heartly--Lord Gayville!

_Lord G._ My joy and my surprise are alike unutterable. But I conjure
you, madam, tell me by what strange circumstance do I meet you here?

_Miss Alton._ [_Aside._] Now assist me, honest pride! assist me,
resentment.

_Lord G._ You spoke to me--Did you know me?

_Miss Alton._ No otherwise, my lord, than as Miss Alscrip's lover.
I had a message from her to your lordship.

_Lord G._ For Heaven's sake, madam, in what capacity?

_Miss Alton._ In one, my lord, not very much above the class of a
servant.

_Lord G._ Impossible, sure! It is to place the brilliant below the
foil--to make the inimitable work of nature secondary to art and defect.

_Miss Alton._ It is to take refuge in a situation that offers me
security against suspicious obligation; against vile design; against
the attempts of a seducer--It is to exercise the patience, that the
will, and perhaps the favour, of Heaven meant to try.

_Lord G._ Cruel, cruel to yourself and me--Could I have had a happiness
like that of assisting you against the injustice of fortune--and when
to be thus degraded was the alternative?--

_Miss Alton._ My lord, it is fit I should be explicit. Reflect upon the
language you have held to me; view the character in which you present
yourself to this family; and then pronounce in whose breast we must
look for a sense of degradation.

_Lord G._ In mine, and mine alone. I confess it--Hear nevertheless my
defence--My actions are all the result of love. And culpable as I may
seem, my conscience does not reproach me with----

_Miss Alton._ Oh, my lord, I readily believe you--You are above its
reproaches--qualities, that are infamous and fatal, in one class of
life, create applause and conscientious satisfaction in another.

_Lord G._ Infamous and fatal qualities! What means my lovely accuser?

_Miss Alton._ That to steal or stab is death in common life: but when
one of your lordship's degree sets his hard heart upon the destruction
of a woman, how glorious is his success! How consummate his triumph,
when he can follow the theft of her affections by the murder of her
honour.

_Enter MISS ALSCRIP softly behind._

_Miss Als._ I wonder how it goes on.

_Lord G._ Exalted! Adorable woman!

_Miss Als._ Adorable! Ay, I thought how 'twould be!

_Lord G._ Hear me! I conjure you--

_Miss Als._ Not a word, if she knows her business.

_Miss Alton._ My lord! I have heard too much.

_Miss Als._ Brava. I could not have played it better myself.

_Lord G._ Oh! Still more charming than severe.

                                                             [_Kneels._

_Miss Als._ Humph! I hope he means me, though.

_Lord G._ The character in which you see me here makes me appear more
odious to myself, if possible, than I am to you.

_Miss Als._ [_Behind._] By all that's treacherous I doubt it.

_Miss Alton._ Desist, my lord----Miss Alscrip has a claim.----

_Miss Als._ Ay, now for it.

_Lord G._ By Heaven, she is my aversion. It is my family, on whom I am
dependent, that has betrayed me into these cursed addresses.--Accept my
contrition--pity a wretch struggling with the complicated torments of
passion, shame, penitence and despair.

_Miss Als._ [_Comes forward--all stand confused._] I never saw a part
better doubled in my life!

_Lord G._ Confusion! What a light do I appear in to them both! How
shall I redeem myself, even in my own opinion?

_Miss Als._ [_Looking at LORD GAYVILLE._] Expressive dignity!--[_Looking
at MISS ALTON._] Sweet simplicity! Amiable diffidence!----"She should
execute my commands most awkwardly."

_Lord G._ [_Aside._] There is but one way.--[_To MISS ALSCRIP._] Madam,
your sudden entrance has effected a discovery which with shame I confess
ought to have been made before--The lady, who stands there, is in
possession of my heart. If it is a crime to adore her, I am the most
guilty wretch on earth--Pardon me if you can; my sincerity is painful
to me--But in this crisis it is the only atonement I can offer.

                                                      [_Bows and exit._

_Miss Als._ [_After a Pause._] Admirable!--Perfect! The most finished
declaration, I am convinced, that ever was made from beggarly nobility
to the woman that was to make his fortune--the lady, who stands
there--the lady--Madam--I am in patient expectation for the sincerity
of your ladyship's atonement.

_Miss Alton._ I am confounded at the strange occurrences that have
happened; but be assured you see in me an innocent and most unwilling
rival.

_Miss Als._ Rival! better and better!--You--you give me uneasiness? You
moppet--you coquet of the side table to catch the gawkey heir of the
family, when he comes from school at Christmas--You--you you vile
seducer of my good old honoured father; [_Cries--In a passion again._]
What, is my lady dumb? Hussy? Have you the insolence to hold your
tongue?

_Miss Alton._ Madam, I just now offered to justify this scene; I
thought it the part of duty to myself, and respect to you. But your
behaviour has now left but one sentiment upon my mind.

_Miss Als._ And what is that, madam?

_Miss Alton._ [_With pointed expression._] Scorn.

                                                               [_Exit._

_Miss Als._ Was there ever any thing like this before?--and to a woman
of my fortune?--I to be robbed of a lover--and that a poor lord
too--I'll have the act revived against witchcraft; I'll have the minx
tried--I'll--I'll--I'll----

                                                               [_Exit._


SCENE III.

    _ALSCRIP's Room of Business._

_ALSCRIP and RIGHTLY._

_Rightly._ Upon all these matters, Mr. Alscrip, I am authorized by my
client, Sir Clement Flint, to agree. There remains nothing but your
favouring me with the inspection of the Charlton title-deeds, and your
daughter's settlements may be engrossed.

_Alscrip._ I cannot conceive, my friend Rightly, any such inspection to
be requisite. Have not I been in constant quiet possession?

_Rightly._ Sir Clement insists upon it.

_Alscrip._ A client insist! and you, an old practitioner, suffer such a
demur to your infallibility!--Ah! in my practice I had the sure means
of disappointing such dabblers and divers into their own cases.

_Rightly._ How, pray?

_Alscrip._ I read his writings to him myself.--I was the best reader in
Chancery-lane for setting the understanding at defiance--Drew breath
but once in a quarter of an hour, always in the wrong place, and made a
single sentence of six skins of parchment--Shall I give you a specimen?

_Rightly._ [_Smiling._] I have no doubt of your talent.

_Alscrip._ Then return to Sir Clement, and follow my example.

_Rightly._ No, Mr. Alscrip, though I acknowledge your skill, I do not
subscribe to your doctrine. The English law is the finest system of
ethics, as well as government, that ever the world produced, and it
cannot be too generally understood.

_Alscrip._ Law understood! Zounds! would you destroy the profession!

_Rightly._ No, I would raise it. Had every man of sense the knowledge
of the theory, to which he is competent; the practice would revert to
the purity of its institution, maintain the rights, and not promote the
knavery, of mankind.

_Alscrip._ [_Aside._] Plaguy odd maxims.--Sure he means to try me--[_To
him._] Brother Rightly, we know the world and are alone--I have locked
the door.

                                                  [_In a half whisper._

_Rightly._ A very useless precaution. I have not a principle nor a
proceeding that I would not proclaim at Charing Cross.

_Alscrip._ [_Aside._] No! then I'll pronounce you the most silly, or
the most impudent fellow of the fraternity.

_Rightly._ But where are these writings? You can have no difficulty
in laying your hand upon them, for I perceive you keep things in a
distinguished regularity.

_Alscrip._ Yes, I have distinct repositories for all papers, and
especially title deeds--Some in drawers--Some in closets--[_Aside._]
and a few under ground.

_Miss Als._ [_Rattling at the Door._] What makes you lock the door,
sir? I must speak to you this instant.

_Alscrip._ One moment, child, and I'll be ready for you.

                       [_Turning again to RIGHTLY, as to dissuade him._

_Rightly._ [_Coolly._] If the thoughts of the wedding-day make any part
of the young lady's impatience, you take a bad way, Mr. Alscrip, to
satisfy it; for I tell you plainly our business cannot be completed
till I see these writings.

_Alscrip._ [_Aside._] Confound the old hound--how he sticks to his
scent!

                                     [_MISS ALSCRIP still at the Door._

_Alscrip._ I am coming, I tell you. [_Opens a Bureau in a confused
hurry, shuffles Papers about, puts one into RIGHTLY's Hand._] There,
if this whim must be indulged, step into the next room--You, who know
the material parts of a parchment lie in a nutshell, will look it over
in ten minutes.

                                         [_Puts him into another Room._

_Miss Als._ I won't wait another instant, whatever you are about--Let
me in----

_Alscrip._ [_Opening the Door._] Sex and vehemence! What is the matter
now?

_Enter MISS ALSCRIP in the most violent emotion._

_Miss Als._ So, sir; yes, sir; you have done finely by me indeed, you
are a pattern for fathers--a precious match you had provided!

                                                      [_Walking about._

_Alscrip._ What the devil's the matter?

_Miss Als._ [_Running on._] I, that with 50,000 independent pounds,
left myself in a father's hands--a thing unheard of, and waited for
a husband with unparalleled patience till I was of age----

_Alscrip._ What the devil's the matter?

_Miss Als._ [_Following him about._] I, that at fourteen might have
married a French Marquis, my governess told me he was--for all he was
her brother----

_Alscrip._ 'Gad a mercy, governess----

_Miss Als._ And as for commoners, had not I the choice of the market?
And the handsome Irish Colonel at Bath, that had carried off six
heiresses before, for himself and friends, and would have found his way
to Gretna-green blindfold!

_Alscrip._ [_Aside._] 'Gad I wish you were there now, with all my
heart--What the devil is at the bottom of all this?

_Miss Als._ Why, Lord Gayville is at the bottom--And your hussy, that
you was so sweet upon this rooming, is at the bottom; a treacherous
minx!--I sent her only for a little innocent diversion, as my double----

_Alscrip._ Your what?

_Miss Als._ Why, my double, to vex him.

_Alscrip._ Double! this is the most useless attendant you have had
yet.--'Gad I'll start you single handed in the art of vexation against
any ten women in England!

_Miss Als._ I caught them, just as I did you, with your----

_Alscrip._ Is that all? 'Gad I don't see much in that.

_Miss Als._ Not much? what, a woman of my fortune and accomplishments
turned off--rejected--renounced----

_Alscrip._ How! renounced?--has he broke the contract?----Will you
prove he has broke the contract?

_Miss Als._ Ay. Now, my dear papa, you take a tone that becomes you;
now the blood of the Alscrips rises;--rises as it ought; you mean to
fight him directly, don't you?

_Alscrip._ O yes, I'm his man--I'll show you a lawyer's challenge,
sticks and staves, guns, swords, daggers, poinards, knives, scissors
and bodkins. I'll put more weapons into a bit of paper, six inches
square, than would stock the armory of the Tower.

_Miss Als._ Pistols!----Don't talk to me of any thing but pistols,--my
dear papa, who shall be your second?

_Alscrip._ I'll have two----John Doe, and Richard Roe----as pretty
fellows as any in England to see fair play, and as used to the
differences of good company.--They shall greet him with their fieri
facias----so don't be cast down, Molly, I'll answer for damages, to
indemnify our loss of temper and reputation--he shall have a fi-fa
before to-morrow night.

_Miss Als._ Fiery faces and damages--What does your Westminster-hall
gibberish mean?--Are a woman's feelings to be satisfied with a
fie-fa--you old insensible--you have no sense of family honour--no
tender affections.

_Alscrip._ 'Gad you have enough for us both, when you want your father
to be shot through the head--but stand out of the way, here's a species
of family honour more necessary to be taken care of--If we were to go
to law, this would be a precious set off against us. [_Takes up the
Deed, as if to lock it up._] This--why what the devil--I hope I don't
see clear--Curse and confusion, I have given the wrong one--Here's fine
work--Here's a blunder--Here's the effect of a woman's impetuosity.

_Miss Als._ Lord, what a fuss you are in: what is in the old trumpery
scroll?

_Alscrip._ Plague and parchment, old Rightly will find what's in it, if
I don't interrupt him--Mr. Rightly--Mr. Rightly--Mr. Rightly----

                              [_Going to the Door RIGHTLY went out at._

_Enter SERVANT._

_Serv._ Sir, Mr. Rightly is gone.

_Alscrip._ Gone! whither?

_Serv._ Home, I believe, sir----He came out at the door into the hall,
and he bade me tell your honour you might depend upon his reading over
the deed with particular care.

_Alscrip._ Fire and fury, my hat and cane--[_Exit SERVANT._] Here, my
hat and cane.

                                                       [_Stamps about._

_Miss Als._ Sir, I expect before you come home--

_Alscrip._ Death and devils, expect to be ruined----this comes of
listening to you----The sex hold the power of mischief by
prescription--Zounds!--Mischief--Mischief--is the common law of
womankind.

                                                     [_Exit in a rage._

_Miss Als._ Mercy on us--I never saw him more provoked, even when my
mother was alive!

                                                               [_Exit._




ACT THE FOURTH.


SCENE I.

    _ALSCRIP's Room._

_CHIGNON alone._

_Chignon._ Que diable veut dire tout ça----vat devil, all dis
mean?--Monsieur Alscrip enragé----Mademoiselle Alscrip fly about like
de dancing fury at de Opera----My littel musicienne, shut up, and in de
absence of madame, I keep de key of de littel bastille----By gad, I
vou'd rader have de custody of my pretty prisoniere than the whole
college of cardinals----but vat have we here?

_Enter SIR CLEMENT and CLIFFORD._

_Sir C._ [_Speaking to a SERVANT._] Mr. Alscrip not at home, no matter
we'll wait his return----The French valet de chambre [_To CLIFFORD._]--It
may be of use to make acquaintance with him--Monsieur, how do you like
this country?

_Chignon._ Ver good contrée, sire, by and bye--when you grow a little
more poor.

_Sir C._ Is that a Parisian rule for improvement?

_Chignon._ Yes, sir, and we help you to follow our example--In good
times you hang, and you drown--In bad time you will be like us.--Alway
poor--alway gay--forget your politics--laugh at your grievances--take
your snuff, vive la dissipation,--ver good country.

_Sir C._ Thanks for your kind advice, monsieur, you Frenchmen are
so obliging, and so communicative to strangers----I hear there is
a young lady come into this family--we don't exactly know in what
capacity--could not you contrive that she should pass through this
room--or--

_Chignon._ [_Aside._] By gar here be one more old rake after de littel
musicienne.


_Sir C._ Only for curiosity,--we never saw her, and have particular
reasons--

                                                        [_Gives Money._

_Chignon._ Ma foi, your reasons be ver expressive--[_Aside._]--but vat
devil shall I do--open the cage of my little Rosignol--my pretty
nightingale--no. Chignon--no--[_Looking out._] ah, hah; La
Tiffany----Now for de politique----be-gar I undertake your
business--and make you de dupe of de performance.

                                    [_Exit with a sign to SIR CLEMENT._

_Sir C._ So--Clifford--There goes as disinterested a fellow now as any
in Europe. But hark you--Can you yet guess the purpose for which I
brought you here?

_Cliff._ I profess, sir, I am in the dark. If it concerns Lord
Gayville's secret.

_Sir C._ Namely, that this dulcinea has started up in the shape of Miss
Alscrip's musical companion--Her name is Alton. [_Leering._] I tell it
you, because I am sure you are not acquainted with it.

_Cliff._ Sir, you will not know me.--

_Sir C._ Tut, tut, don't do me such injustice----Come, all delicacy
being over, by my having made the discovery, will you talk to this girl?

_Cliff._ For what end, sir?

_Sir C._ If you state yourself as Lord Gayville's friend, she will
converse with you more readily, than she would with me--Try her--find
out what she is really at. If she has no hold upon him but her person,
I shall be easy.

_Cliff._ Sir, let my compliance convince you how much I wish to oblige
you. If I can get a sight of this wonder, I promise to give you my
faithful opinion of my friend's danger.

_Enter CHIGNON, and makes a sign to SIR CLEMENT, that the Person he
inquired after is coming._

_Sir C._ Leave her with this gentleman----Come, monsieur, you shall
show me the new room.

                                                               [_Exit._

_Chignon._ [_Aside._] Vid dis gentleman--Vid all my heart--La Tiffany
vill answer his purpose, and mine too.

                                                               [_Exit._

                   [_CLIFFORD is looking at the Furniture of the Room._

_Enter TIFFANY._

_Tiff._ What does the Frenchman mean by gentlemen wanting me, and his
gibberish of making soft eyes----I hope I know the exercise of my eyes
without his instruction--hah! I vow, a clever looking man.

_Cliff._ 'Faith, a pretty attracting countenance--but for that
apprehensive and timid look--that awe impressing modesty, my friend so
forcibly described. [_TIFFANY adjusts herself, and pulls up._]--[_Aside._]
Her silence marks diffidence; deuce take me if I know how to begin, for
fear of offending her reserve.

_Tiff._ [_Aside._] I have been told pertness became me--I'll try, I'm
resolved. [_To him._] I hear, sir, you had something to say to a young
person in this house--that--that--[_Looking down at the same time
archly._] I could not but take the description to myself--I am ready to
hear any thing a gentleman has to say.

_Cliff._ [_Aside._] Thank my stars, my scruples are relieved!

_Tiff._ Am I mistaken, sir? Pray, whom was you inquiring after?

_Cliff._ Oh! certainly you, my pretty stranger. A friend of mine has
been robbed of his heart, and I see the felony in your looks. Will you
confess, or must I arrest you?

_Tiff._ Innocent, sir, in fact, but not quite so in inclination--I hope
your own is safe?

_Cliff._ And were it not, my smart unconscionable, would you run away
with that also?

_Tiff._ Oh, yes, and a hundred more; and melt them all down together,
as the Jews do stolen goods, to prevent their being reclaimed.

_Cliff._ [_Aside._] Astonishing! Have I hit upon the moment when her
fancy outruns her art! But are you really the young lady, that's
admitted into this family, as companion to Miss Alscrip?

_Tiff._ Sir, if you mean the young lady, who, however undeservingly, is
flatteringly called the flower of this family--who sometimes extracts
notice from these windows; and to be sure has been followed home by
gentlemen against her inclinations--sir, you are not mistaken.

_Cliff._ [_Aside._] Sure it has been Gayville's madness or amusement
then to describe her by contraries.

_Tiff._ I hope, sir, you are not offended? I would not be impertinent,
though I am not so tasteless as to be shy.

_Cliff._ Offended, my dear? I am quite charmed, I assure you. And so
without further shyness on either part, let us be free upon the subject
I had to talk over with you. You surely are not looking to lasting
connexions?

_Tiff._ [_With airs._] Sir, I don't understand you--I am not what you
suppose, I assure you--Connexions indeed--I should never have thought
of that--my character--my behaviour; connexions, I don't know what the
word signifies.

_Sir C._ [_Without._] Clifford--are you ready?

_Cliff._ I am at your orders, sir.

_Tiff._ [_Aside._] Deuce take this interruption!

_Sir Clement._ [_Without._] I shall not wait for Mr. Alscrip any longer.

_Tiff._ [_Aside._] Lud, lud, he, gives me no time to come round again.
[_Runs up to him confusedly._] It's very true, sir, I would not do such
a thing for the world, but you are a man of honour, and I am sure would
not give bad advice to a poor girl who is but a novice--and so, sir,
[_Hears SIR CLEMENT entering._] put your proposal in writing, and you
may depend on having an answer.

                                                           [_Runs out._

_Enter SIR CLEMENT._

_Sir C._ Well, Clifford, what do you think of her?

_Cliff._ Make yourself perfectly easy, sir: This girl, when known,
can make no impression on Lord Gayville's mind; and I doubt not but a
silk-gown and a lottery-ticket, had they been offered as an ultimatum,
would have purchased her person.

_Sir C._ [_With a dry sneer._] Don't you sometimes Clifford, form
erroneous opinions of people's pretensions? Interest and foolish
passion inspire strange notions--as one or the other prevails, we are
brought to look so low, or so high--

_Cliff._ [_With emotion._] That we are compelled to call reason and
honour to our aid----

_Sir C._ And then----

_Cliff._ We lose the intemperance of our inclinations in the sense of
what is right.

_Sir C._ [_Aside._] Sententious impostor!--[_To him._] But to the point.

_Cliff._ Sir, I would please you if I could--I am thinking of a scheme
to restore Lord Gayville to his senses, without violence or injury to
any one of the parties.

_Sir C._ Let me hear it.

_Cliff._ Why, the wench being cut short of marketing by word of mouth,
desired me to write proposals. I am inclined to do so. We will show the
answer to Lord Gayville, and, depend upon it, there will be character
enough displayed to cure him of the sentimental part of his attachment.

_Sir. C._ I like your idea--Sit down, and put it into execution
immediately----[_CLIFFORD writes._]----[_To himself._] He is quick at
invention--has a pretty turn at profession--A proud and peremptory show
of honour would overpower prejudices. Thank Heaven, my opinions of
knavery are convictions!

_Cliff._ [_Writing._] I am sorry to detain you, sir.

_Sir C._ [_Looking at the Furniture._] Oh! I am amusing myself better
than you think--Indulging an edifying contemplation among the tombs of
departed estates--[_Looking round the Furniture, viz. Closets, that
show old Writings, tied up; Shelves with Boxes, labelled Mortgages,
Lease and Release, &c._] What mouldered skins, that will never see
day-light again, and that, with a good herald, would vie with
Westminster Abbey in holiday entertainment. For instance, now, what
have we here?--Hah! The last remains of Fatland Priory--Once of great
monastic importance: A proverb of pride, sloth, and hypocrisy. After
the Reformation, the seat of old English hospitality and
benevolence--In the present century, altered, adorned, pulled down, and
the materials sold by auction.

_Cliff._ Edifying, indeed, sir; your comments are not lost.

_Sir C._ Here lie, undisturbed, in dust, the relics of Court Baron
Castle, granted, at the Conquest, to the family of Loftimount. The
last of this ancient race, having won twenty-seven king's plates, and
represented the county in six parliaments, after many struggles, died
of the pistol fever. A disconsolate annuitant inscribed this box to his
memory.--Well, Clifford, have you done?

_Cliff._ Yes, sir.

                                            [_Reads, as if to himself._

_You have captivated a young man of rank and fortune, but you are
discovered, and his ruin and yours would be the consequence of pursuing
any designs, that could impede his proposed marriage with Miss
Alscrip.--Throw yourself upon the generosity of his family, and your
fortune's made.--Send your answer (and let it be immediate) to me, at
Sir Clement Flint's house._

                                   _Yours, &c. &c._
                                       HENRY CLIFFORD.

                                          [_CLIFFORD folds the Letter._

_Sir C._ Our French friend is the man to deliver it, and to bring the
answer. I am going home; you'll overtake me.

                                                               [_Exit._

_Enter CHIGNON._

_Cliff._ [_Sealing the Letter._] You come apropos, monsieur. [_Gives
the Letter with an Air of Mystery._] Have the goodness to put this
letter into Miss Alton's own hands.

_Chignon._ [_To himself._] Mademoiselle Alton! Peste! My trick has not
passed.

_Cliff._ To Miss Alton by herself--I am in all the secret.

_Chignon._ [_To himself._] Devil take Tiffany, for making you so wise.

_Cliff._ And you serve your lady, when you serve me with Miss
Alton--Monsieur, an answer as quick as possible--You will find me at
Sir Clement Flint's--it is only in the next street--and--you understand
me--[_Shaking his Purse._]--Alerte, monsieur.

                                                               [_Exit._

_Chignon._ Understand you!--Oui da! you talk de language universal.
[_Imitating his shaking the Purse._] J'entre vois, I begin to see
something--By gad, I vill give de letter, ami try de inclination of
Mademoiselle la Musicienne--if dis be de duette she vill play, it take
her out of the vay of Alscrip, of Gayville, and of myself also--Voila
le malheur--there--de misfortune--eh bien--when love and interest come
across--alway prefer de interest for to-day, and take de chance of de
love to-morrow--dat is de humour of France.

                                                               [_Exit._


SCENE II.

    _SIR CLEMENT FLINT's House._

_Enter LORD GAYVILLE and SIR CLEMENT._

_Lord G._ I am resolved to see Miss Alscrip no more.

_Sir C._ And I hope you are prepared with arguments to justify the
cause of this breach, to me, and to the world.

_Lord G._ For my reconciliation with you, I hope your former partiality
will return to my aid; and as for the world, I despise it. The
multitude look at happiness through the false glare of wealth and pomp:
I have discovered it, though yet at a distance, through the only true
medium, that of mutual affection.

_Sir C._ No common place book, formed from a whole library of plays
and novels, could furnish a better sentence. Your folly would shame a
school-boy--even of the last age--In the present, he learns the world
with his grammar, and gets a just notion of the worthlessness of the
other sex, before he is of an age to be duped by their attractions.

_Lord G._ Sir, your prejudices----

_Sir C._ My prejudices?--will you appeal to Clifford--here he
comes--your friend--your other self.

_Enter CLIFFORD._

_Lord G._ And will Clifford condemn the choice of the heart?

_Cliff._ Never, my lord, when justly placed--In the case I perceive you
are arguing, I am ready to blush for you--nay, don't look grave--I am
acquainted with your enchantress.

_Lord G._ You acquainted with her?

_Cliff._ Yes; and, if I don't deceive myself, shall make her break her
own spell. I am in correspondence with her.

_Lord G._ You in correspondence with Miss Alton!--when? where? What am
I to think of this?

_Cliff._ My dear lord, that she is the most arrant coquette, the most
accomplished jilt, the most ready trafficker of her charms----

_Lord G._ Phrensy and profanation!

_Sir C._ Come, Gayville, I'll be plain with you; you have sillily let
the girl raise her price upon you--but, if nothing else will satisfy
you, e'en pay it, and have done with her.

_Lord G._ Sir, her price is an unadulterated heart: I am afraid we
cannot pay it betwixt us.

_Enter CHIGNON; he delivers a Letter to CLIFFORD, apart._

_Chignon._ Alerte, monsieur, I repete your word--Mademoiselle Alton be
all your own.

_Sir C._ Come, Clifford, the contents: his lordship braves the trial.

_Lord G._ What is this mighty scheme! and what is that paper to discover?

_Cliff._ [_Breaking open the Letter._] Your lordship shall be informed
word for word. [_Upon first sight of the Contents he shows the utmost
emotion._] Amazement! do I dream! can it be? who wrote this letter?

_Sir C._ Oh! speak out, monsieur, we are all friends.

_Chignon._ De true Mademoiselle Alton, whom you charge me to give your
letter--she open it--she turn pale--den red--den confuse--den kiss your
name--den write, and bid me fly.

_Lord G._ Confusion on confusion, what does all this mean? explain.

_Cliff._ You must pardon me, I am disconcerted--confounded--thunderstruck
--This letter is indeed of a different nature, from that I expected--I am
more interested in Miss Alton's fate than your lordship--my perplexity is
not to be endured; friend, come with me instantly.

                                        [_Exeunt CLIFFORD and CHIGNON._

_Lord G._ Mystery and torture! what am I to collect from this? He
interested in the fate of Miss Alton? he her former acquaintance?

_Sir C._ Why not--and her dupe also?

_Enter a SERVANT._

_Serv._ Is Mr. Clifford gone, sir?

_Lord G._ [_Impatiently._] Who wants him?

_Serv._ A chairman with a letter, he will not deliver to a servant.

_Sir C._ Call the fellow in. [_Exit SERVANT._] Who knows but he may help
us in our difficulties?

_CHAIRMAN brought in, with a Letter in his Hand._

_Lord G._ [_Still impatiently._] Whom did you bring that letter from?

_Chairman._ Please your honour, I don't know; passing through the
square, a sash flew up, and down came this letter and half a crown
upon my head. It could not have fallen better, there's not a fellow in
town more handy than I am, nor, though I say it more cute at private
business--So I resolved to deliver it safely--Is your honour's name
Clifford?

_Lord G._ No, indeed, friend, I am not so happy a man.

_Sir C._ [_Aside._] That letter must not be lost though. Here, my
friend--I'll take charge of your letter. [_Takes the Letter._]
Something for your pains.

_Chairman._ God bless your honour, and if you want to send an answer,
my number is forty-seven in Bond Street--your honour, I am known by the
name of secret Tom.

                                                               [_Exit._

_Lord G._ What is the use of this deceit? strong as my suspicion is, a
seal must be sacred.

_Sir C._ Our circumstances make an exception to your rule: when there
is treason in the state, wax gives way. [_Takes the Letter, opens and
reads it._] 'Faith, this is beyond my expectation--though the mystery
is unfathomable, the aptness of it to my purpose is admirable--Gayville--I
wish you joy.

_Lord G._ Of what?

_Sir C._ Of conviction! if this is not plain! only hear. [_Reads._]
_Since my confused lines of a few minutes past, my perplexities
redouble upon my spirits--I am in momentary apprehension of farther
insult from the Alscrip family; I am still more anxious to avoid Lord
Gayville,_ [Pauses and looks at LORD GAYVILLE.] _do not suspect my
sincerity--I have not a thought of him that ought to disturb
you._--Here she is, Gayville, look at her, through the true medium of
mutual affection--_I have not a thought of him that might to disturb
you--Fly to me, secure me, my dearest Henry._

_Lord G._ Dearest Henry!

_Sir C._ [Reads on.] _Dearest Henry--In this call, the danger of your
Harriet unites with the impatience of her affection._

_Lord G._ Hell, and fury! this must be some trick, some forgery.
[_Snatches the Letter._]--No, by all that's perfidious, it is that
exquisite hand, that baffles imitation.

_Sir C._ All, regular, strict, undeviating modern morals--common
property is the first principle of friendship; your horse, your house,
your purse, your mistress--nay, your wife, would be a better example
still of the doctrine of this generous age. Bless fortune, Gayville,
that has brought the fidelity of your friend and your girl to the test
at the same time.

_Lord G._ Sir, I am not in a humour for any spleen but my own. What can
this mean? It must have been a secret attachment for years--but then
the avowal of a correspondence, and the confusion at receiving it--his
coldness in traducing her; the passionate interest he expressed in her
fate; the conviction of his second letter--It is all delirium. I'll
search the matter to the bottom, though I go to Clifford's heart for it.

                                                [_Exit in great anger._

_Sir C._ I'll after the precious fellow too--He is a rogue above my
hopes, and the intricacy of his snares excite my curiosity.

                                                               [_Exit._


SCENE III.

    _LADY EMILY's Apartment._

_LADY EMILY discovered, reading._

_Lady E._ It will not do. My eyes may run over a thousand subjects,
but my thoughts centre in one. Ah! that sigh! that sigh from the fair
sufferer this morning----I have found it echo in my own heart ever
since.

_Enter SERVANT._

_Serv._ Madam, Mr. Blandish.

_Lady E._ Pooh! did you say I was at home?

_Serv._ Your ladyship gave no orders to the contrary.

_Lady E._ Show him in. [_Exit SERVANT._] I must take up my air of levity
again--It is the only humour for a fellow who I sometimes allow to
entertain me, but who can never get my esteem. I have more calls upon my
affectation this unlucky day, than my real disposition would execute in
a long life.

_Enter BLANDISH._

_Lady E._ Blandish, I am horridly peevish; have you any thing new to
divert me?

_Blandish._ If you ask me for news, the latest is, that Clifford has
been detected in a clandestine intercourse with the object of Lord
Gayville's secret passion; that he has betrayed the confidence of his
friend and patron, and actually carried her off. [_Aside._] Which,
Gayville knows by this time, with all its aggravations, or Prompt has
not been as active as he used to be.

_Lady E._ [_With Emotion._] Blandish, this is a poor project. Clifford
treacherous to his friend? You might as soon make me believe Gayville
dispassionate, my uncle charitable, or you ingenuous.

_Blandish._ His conduct does not rest upon opinion, but proof; and when
you know it, you must think of him with aversion.

_Lady E._ Must I? Then don't let me hear a word more--I have aversions
enough already--

                                                          [_Peevishly._

_Blandish._ It is impossible you can apply that word to one whose only
offence is to adore you.

                                                    [_Kisses her Hand._

_Enter CLIFFORD._

_Cliff._ [_Aside, surprised._] Blandish so favoured?

_Lady E._ [_Aside._] Perverse accident: what mistakes now will he make!

_Blandish._ [_Aside._] The enemy has surprised me--but the only remedy
in such emergences, is to show a good countenance.

_Cliff._ I fear I have been guilty of an unpardonable intrusion.

_Blandish._ Mr. Clifford never can intrude; but though you had not come
so apropos yourself--Lady Emily will bear testimony, I have not spared
my pains to remove any prejudices she might have entertained.

_Lady E._ Had you not better repeat in your own words, Mr. Blandish,
all the obliging things you have said of this gentleman?

_Cliff._ It is not necessary, madam--if without robbing you of moments
that I perceive are precious--

_Lady E._ Sir?

_Cliff._ I might obtain a short audience--

                                                [_Looking at BLANDISH._

_Blandish._ [_Aside._] He's devilish impudent--but he cannot soon
get over facts, and I'll take care the conference shall not be long.
[_To LADY EMILY._]--Lady Emily; hear Mr. Clifford, and judge if I have
misrepresented him--[_To CLIFFORD._] When you want a friend, you know
where to find him.

                                                               [_Exit._

_Lady E._ This is an interview, Mr. Clifford, that I desire not to be
understood to have authorized. It is not to me, you are accountable for
your actions--I have no personal interest in them.

_Cliff._ I know it well.

_Lady E._ [_Peevishly._] Do not run away with the notion neither, that
I am therefore interested in any other person's--You have among you
vexed and disconcerted me, but there is not a grain of partiality in
all my embarrassment--if you have any eyes, you may see there is not.

_Cliff._ Happy Blandish! your triumph is evident.

_Lady E._ Blandish, the odious creature--He is my abhorrence--You are
hardly worse yourself in my bad opinion, though you have done so much
more to deserve it.

_Cliff._ How cruel are the circumstances that compel me to leave you
under these impressions!--nay--more--at such a time to urge a request,
that during your most favourable thoughts of me would have appeared
strange if not presumptuous.--This is the key of my apartment. It
contains a secret that the exigency of the hour obliged me, against
inclination or propriety, to lodge there. Should Sir Clement return
before me, I implore you to prevent his discovery, and give to what you
find within, your confidence and protection. Lord Gayville--but I shall
go too far--the most anxious event of my life presses on me. I conjure
you to comply, by all the compassion and tenderness nature has
treasured in your heart--not for me--but for occasions worthy their
display. Pray take it.

    [_Gives the Key, which she receives with some reluctance and exit._

_Lady E._ Heigho!--It's well, he's gone without insisting on my answer:
I was in a sad flutter of indecision. What mysterious means he takes to
engage me in a confidence which I could not directly accept!--I am to
find a letter, I suppose--the story of his heart--Its errors and
defence--My brother's name, also--to furnish me with a new interest in
the secret, and one I might avow--One may dislike this art, but must be
sensible of his delicacy----Ah, when these two qualities unite in a
man, I am afraid he is an overmatch for the wisest of us--Hark!--sure
that is the sound of my uncle's coach--[_Looks out of the Window._]
'Tis he--and now for the secret--Curiosity! innate irresistible
principle in womankind, be my excuse, before I dare question my mind
upon other motives.

                                                               [_Exit._


SCENE IV.

    _Another Apartment._

_Enter LADY EMILY._

_Lady E._ Oh, lud! I could hardly tremble more at opening this man's
apartment, were there a possibility of finding him within side. How do
people find courage to do a wrong thing, when an innocent discovery
cannot be prosecuted without such timidity?

                        [_Approaches the Door timidly, and unlocks it._

_Enter MISS ALTON._

Amazement! Miss Alton! what is all this?

_Miss Alton._ Madam, I was brought here, for an hour's concealment;
who I really am, I would not, if possible to avoid it, divulge in
this house. When you saw me last, you honoured me with a favourable
opinion--My story, not explained at full, might subject me to doubts,
that would shake your candour.

_Lady E._ What shall I do?--She is pale, and ready to faint--I cannot
let her be exposed in such a situation.--Retire--you may rely upon me
for present security--You know best your pretensions to my future
opinion.--[_Hearing SIR CLEMENT._]--Begone, or you are discovered.

                            [_Shuts her in, and locks CLIFFORD's Door._

_Enter SIR CLEMENT._

_Sir C._ Oh, the triumph of honour! Oh, the sincerity of friendship!
How my opinions are ratified--how my system is proved!

_Lady E._ Oh, spirits, spirits, forsake me not!--Oh, for a moment's
dissimulation!

_Sir C._ There are some, now, who would feed moroseness and misanthropy
with such events: to me they give delight, as convictions and warnings
to mankind.

_Lady E._ Of how superior a quality, my good uncle, must be the
benevolence you possess! it rises with the progress of mischief; and is
gratified (upon principles of general good) by finding confidence
abused, and esteem misplaced. Am I not right in attributing your joy at
present to that sort of refinement?

_Sir C._ Hah! and to what sensations, my good niece, shall be
attributed the present state of your spirits? To the disgust you took
to Clifford almost at first sight. It will not be with indifference,
but pleasure, you will hear of his turning out the veriest rascal, the
most complete impostor, the most abandoned--but hold, hold!--I must not
wrong him by superlatives--he is matched too.

_Lady E._ Really!--I congratulate you upon such a check of charity.

_Sir C._ And I wish you joy, my pretty pert one, upon the credit your
sex has acquired, in producing this other chef-d'oeuvre--such a
composition of the highest vices and the lowest--But your goodnature
will, I dare say, easily find palliatives for both parties.

_Lady E._ Come, sir; no more of your sarcasms. I can treat wrong
actions with levity, and yet consider them with detestation. Prudes and
pretenders condemn with austerity. To the collection of suspicions you
are master of, let me add one--In a young lady, of the delicacy and age
you have described, always suspect the virtue that does not wear a
smile.

_Sir C._ And the sincerity that wears one awkwardly.

_Enter PROMPT, hastily._

_Prompt._ Joy to your honour; I see you have caught her.

_Sir C._ Her!--whom?

_Prompt._ [_LADY EMILY turning._] I ask your ladyship's pardon--Having
only the glimpse of a petticoat, and knowing the object of my chase was
in this house, I confess I mistook you.

_Sir C._ In this house?

_Prompt._ As sure as we are--She came in through the garden, under Mr.
Clifford's arm--up the other stairs, I suppose.--If my lady had been
hereabouts, she must have seen her.

_Lady E._ [_In confusion._] Yes; but, unluckily, I was quite out of the
way.

_Sir C._ Such audaciousness passes credibility.--Emily, what do you
think of him?

_Lady E._ That he is a monster.--[_Aside._] How my dilemmas multiply!

_Sir C._ What, to my house! to his apartment here! I wonder he did not
ask for protection in yours.--What should you have said?

_Lady E._ I don't know; but, had I been so imposed upon as to receive
her, I should scorn to betray even the criminal I had engaged to
protect.

_Sir C._ [_Tries at the Door, and finds it locked._] Emily, my dear, do
ring the bell, to know if the housekeeper has a second key to this lock.

_Lady E._ What shall I do?

_Prompt._ She is certainly there, sir, and cannot escape. Where can she
better remain, till you can assemble all parties, confront them, face
to face, and bring every thing that has passed to a full explanation?

_Sir C._ With all my heart; send and collect every body concerned as
fast as possible.--How I long for so complicated an exhibition of the
purity of the human heart; Come with me, Emily, and help to digest my
plan,--Friends and lovers, what a scene shall we show you!

                            [_Takes LADY EMILY under the Arm.--Exeunt._




ACT THE FIFTH.


SCENE I.

    _An Apartment._

_Enter CLIFFORD and MR. RIGHTLY._

_Cliff._ Your knowledge in the profession, Mr. Rightly, is as
unquestionable as your integrity; but there is something so surprising
in the recovery of the Charlton estate.--If you knew, too, how the
value of the acquisition is enhanced, by the opportune moment in which
it presents itself--I am in too much emotion to thank you as I ought.

_Rightly._ Sir, I want neither compliment, nor acknowledgment, for
revealing what I should be a party to dishonesty to conceal.

_Cliff._ You have a right to all my thoughts: but I have an appointment
to obey, that admits no time for explanation; favour me for a moment
with your pencil, [_RIGHTLY takes out a Pencil and Pocket-book._] and a
blank page in that memorandum-book.

                                                    [_CLIFFORD writes._

_Rightly._ My life on't, his head is turned upon some girl not worth a
shilling--There is an amiable defect, but a very observable one, in the
nature of some men. A good head and heart operate as effectually as
vice or folly could do to make them improvident.

_Cliff._ Mr. Rightly, I confide to your hands a new secret relative to
the Charlton estate; do not read it till you return home. [_Gives the
Book, aside, and going._] There, Gayville, is one reply to your
challenge--and now for another.

_Rightly._ One moment, sir--I engage for no secrecy that my own
judgment shall not warrant.

_Cliff._ And the benevolence of your heart approve--Those are my
conditions.

                                           [_Exeunt on opposite Sides._


SCENE II.

    _Hyde Park._

_Enter LORD GAYVILLE impetuously, looking at his Watch._

_Lord G._ Not here! I am sure I marked the hour as well as the place,
precisely in my note. [_Walks about._] Had I been told three days ago,
that I should have been the appellant in a premeditated duel, I should
have thought it an insult upon my principles--That Clifford should be
the cause of my transgressing the legal and sacred duties, we have ever
both maintained--oh, it would have seemed a visionary impossibility--But
he comes, to cut reflections short--

_Enter CLIFFORD._

_Lord G._ I waited for you, sir.

_Cliff._ [_Bows in Silence._]

_Lord G._ That ceremonial would grace an encounter of punctilio, but
applies ill to the terms upon which I have called you here.

_Cliff._ What terms are those, my lord?

_Lord G._ Vengeance! Ample, final vengeance! Draw, sir.

_Cliff._ No, my lord; my sword is reserved for more becoming purposes:
It is not the instrument of passion; and has yet been untried in a
dispute with my friend.

_Lord G._ But why is it not ready for a different trial, the
vindication of perfidy, the blackest species of perfidy, that ever the
malignant enemy of mankind infused into the human breast--perfidy to
the friend who loved and trusted you, and in the nearest interests of
his heart.

_Cliff._ Take care, my lord; should my blood boil like yours, and it
is rising fast, you know not the punishment that awaits you. I came
temperate, your gross provocation and thirst of blood make temperance
appear disgrace--I am tempted to take a revenge--

_Lord G._ [_Draws._] The means are ready. Come, sir, you are to give an
example of qualities generally held incompatible--bravery and dishonour.

_Cliff._ Another such a word, and by Heaven!--How have I deserved this
opinion?

_Lord G._ Ask your conscience--Under the mask of friendship you have
held a secret intercourse with the woman I adore; you have supplanted
me in her affections, you have robbed me of the very charm of my
life--can you deny it?

_Cliff._ I avow it all.

_Lord G._ Unparalleled insolence of guilt!

_Cliff._ Are you sure there is nothing within the scope of possibility
that would excuse or atone--

_Lord G._ Death--Death only--no abject submission--no compromise for
infamy--chuse instantly--and save yourself from the only stretch of
baseness left--the invention of falsehood to palliate.--

_Cliff._ [_In the utmost Agitation, and drawing his Sword._]
Falsehood!--You shall have no other explanation.--[_After a Struggle
within himself, CLIFFORD drops the Point, and exposes his Breast._]

_Lord G._ Stand upon your defence, sir--What do you mean?

_Cliff._ You said nothing but my life would satisfy you, take it, and
remember me.

_Lord G._ I say so still--but upon an equal pledge--I am no assassin.

_Cliff._ [_With great Emotion._] If to strike at the heart of your
friend, more deeply than that poor instrument in your hand could do,
makes an assassin, you have been one already.

_Lord G._ That look, that tone, how like to innocence! Had he not
avowed such abominable practices--

_Cliff._ I avow them again: I have rivalled you in the love of the
woman you adore--her affections are riveted to me. I have removed her
from your sight; secured her from your recovery--

_Lord G._ Damnation!

_Cliff._ I have done it to save unguarded beauty; to save unprotected
innocence; to save--a sister.

_Lord G._ A sister!

_Cliff._ [_With Exultation._] Vengeance! Ample, final vengeance!
[_A Pause._] It is accomplished--over him--and over myself--my victory
is complete.

_Lord G._ Where shall I hide my shame!

_Cliff._ We'll share it, and forget it here.

                                                           [_Embraces._

_Lord G._ Why did you keep the secret from me?

_Cliff._ I knew it not myself, till the strange concurrence of
circumstances, to which you were in part witness a few hours since,
brought it to light. I meant to impart to you the discovery, when my
temper took fire--Let us bury our mutual errors in the thought, that we
now for life are friends.

_Lord G._ Brothers, Clifford--Let us interchange that title, and
doubly, doubly ratify it. Unite me to your charming sister; accept
the hand of Lady Emily in return--her heart I have discovered to be
yours----We'll leave the world to the sordid and the tasteless; let an
Alscrip, or a Sir Clement Flint, wander after the phantom of happiness,
we shall find her real retreat, and hold her by the bonds she covets,
virtue, love, and friendship.

_Cliff._ Not a word more, my lord, the bars against your proposal are
insuperable.

_Lord G._ What bars?

_Cliff._ Honour! Propriety--and pride.

_Lord G._ Pride, Clifford!

_Cliff._ Yes, my lord; Harriet Clifford shall not steal the hand of a
prince; nor will I--though doting on Lady Emily with a passion like
your own, bear the idea of a clandestine union in a family, to whom
I am bound by obligation and trust. Indeed, my lord, without Sir
Clement's consent, you must think no more of my sister.

_Lord G._ Stern stoic, but I will, and not clandestinely; I'll
instantly to Sir Clement.

_Cliff._ Do not be rash; Fortune, or some better agent, is working in
wonders--Meet me presently at your uncle's; in the mean while promise
not to stir in this business.

_Lord G._ What hope from delay?

_Cliff._ Promise--

_Lord G._ I am in a state to catch at shadows----I'll try to obey you.

_Cliff._ Farewell!----

                                                             [_Exeunt._


SCENE III.

    _SIR CLEMENT's House._

_Enter MISS ALSCRIP, in great Spirits, followed by MRS. BLANDISH._

_Miss Als._ I am delighted at this summons from Sir Clement, Blandish;
poor old clear-sight, I hope he has projected a reconciliation.

_Mrs. Blandish._ How I rejoice to see those smiles returned to the face
that was made for them!

_Miss Als._ Returned, Blandish? I desire you will not insinuate it ever
was without them--Why sure, you would not have the world imagine the
temper of an heiress of my class, was to be ruffled by the loss of a
paltry earl--I have been highly diverted with what has passed from
beginning to end.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Well, if good humour can be a fault, sure the excess
you carry it to must be the example.

_Miss Als._ I desire it may be made known in all companies, that I have
done nothing but laugh--nay, it is true too.

_Mrs. Blandish._ My dear creature, of what consequence is the truth,
when you are charging me with the execution of your desires?

_Miss Als._ But did you remember the airs of the moppet--Could any
thing be more ridiculous?

_Mrs. Blandish._ The rivalship you mean----Rival Miss Alscrip.--He! he!
he!

                                                         [_Half laugh._

_Miss Als._ Yes, but when you take this tone in public, laugh a little
louder.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Rival Miss Alscrip, ha! ha! ha!

_Both._ Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

_Mrs. Blandish._ [_Wiping her Eyes, as not quite recovered from her
Laugh._] For mirth's sake, what is become of the rival?--Whom will you
chuse she shall have run away with?

_Miss Als._ Leave it in doubt as it is; fixing circumstances confines
the curiosity to one story which may be disproved; uncertainty leaves
it open to a hundred, and makes them all probable. But I hear some of
the company upon the stairs: Now, Blandish--You shall be witness to the
temper and dignity, with which a woman of my consequence can discard a
quality courtship that offends her--

_Mrs. Blandish._ Sweet tempered soul!

_Enter SIR CLEMENT FLINT._

_Sir C._ Miss Alscrip, your--

                      [_As he is beginning to say your humble Servant,_

_Enter BLANDISH out of Breath._

_Blandish._ The duel's over.

_Sir C._ And the parties unhurt--You are too late in your intelligence
by some minutes. But I know you must rejoice [_Ironically._] from your
attachment to all parties.--Miss Alscrip, your very--

_Miss Als._ Duel!--Pray let us hear the particulars--As there is no
mischief, I shall not faint.

                                                         [_Ironically._

_Sir C._ I guess it has been of the common-place kind.--Hats over the
brows--glum silence--thrust--parry--and riposte----Explain and shake
hands: Your man of honour never sets his friend right, till he has
exchanged a shot--or a thrust: Oh, a little steel recipe is a morning
whet to the temper: It carries off all qualms, and leaves the digestion
free for any thing that is presented to it.

_Miss Als._ Dear, how fortunate! Considering the pills some folks have
to swallow.

_Sir C._ Blandish, see if the door of Clifford's room is yet unlocked,
there is a person within you little expect to find, and whom it may be
proper for this lady and me to interrogate together.

                                                 [_The Door opens, and_

_Enter LADY EMILY._

_Blandish._ Lady Emily!

_Sir C._ Inexplicable, with a vengeance.

_Miss Als._ [_Aside._] Lady Emily, shut up in Clifford's apartment!
Beyond my expectation, indeed.

                                               [_With a malicious Air._

                                           [_LADY EMILY seems pleased._

_Sir C._ [_Dryly._] Lady Emily, I know you were always cautious whom
you visited, and never gave a better proof of your discernment.

_Lady E._ Never. Oh! my poor dear uncle, you little think what is going
to befall you.

_Sir C._ Not a disappointment in love, I hope.

_Lady E._ No, but in something much nearer your heart--your system is
threatened with a blow, that I think, and from my soul I hope, it never
will recover: would you guess that the sagacious observations of your
whole life are upon the point of being confounded by the production--

_Sir C._ Of what?

_Lady E._ A woman of ingenuous discretion, and a man of unaffected
integrity.

_Sir C._ Hah!

_Mrs. Blandish._ What can she mean?

_Miss Als._ Nothing good--she looks so pleasant.

_Lady E._ Come forth, my injured friend. Our personal acquaintance
has been short, but our hearts were intimate from the first sight.
[_Presenting her._] Your prisoner, sir, is Miss Harriet Clifford.

_Sir C._ Clifford's sister!

_Miss Als._ What, the run-away Alton, turned into a sprig of quality.

_Lady E._ [_Disdainfully to MISS ALSCRIP._] The humble dependent of
Alscrip house--The wanton--the paragon of fraud--the only female that
can equal Clifford. [_Tauntingly to SIR CLEMENT._] She is indeed!

                                        [_With Emphasis and Affection._

_Blandish._ [_Aside._] Oh, rot the source of the family fondness--I see
I have no card left in my favour--but the heiress. [_Goes to her and
pays Court--During this Conversation, aside, LADY EMILY seems encouraging
MISS CLIFFORD.--SIR CLEMENT musing, and by Turns examining her._]

_Sir C._ [_To himself._] "Ingenuous discretion!"

_Enter CLIFFORD, and runs to his Sister._

_Cliff._ My dearest Harriet! the joy I purposed in presenting you here,
is anticipated: but, my blameless fugitive! when your story is known,
my pride in you will not be a wonder.--Miss Clifford, behold your
persecutor and your convert.

_Enter LORD GAYVILLE._

_Lord G._ [_With Rapture._] Her persecutor and her convert. Her
virtues, which no humility could conceal, and every trial made more
resplendent, discovered, disgraced, and reclaimed a libertine.--

_Miss Cliff._ How am I distressed!--what ought I to answer?

_Lord G._ Impressed sentiment upon desire, gave honour to passion, and
drew from my soul a vow, which Heaven chastise me when I violate, to
obtain her by a legal, sacred claim, or renounce fortune, family and
friends, and become a self-devoted outcast of the world.

_Miss Cliff._ Oh! brother, interpose.

_Sir C._ My lord, your fortune, family and friends are much obliged to
you. Your part is perfect--Mr. Clifford, you are called upon. Miss, in
strict propriety, throws the business upon her relations--Come, finish
the comedy, join one of her hands to the gallant's, while, with the
other, she covers her blushes--and he in rapture delivers the moral.
All for Love, or, the World well lost.

                               [_MISS CLIFFORD still appears agitated._

_Cliff._ Be patient, my Harriet, this is the school for prejudice, and
the lesson of its shame is near.

_Miss Als._ I vow these singular circumstances give me quite a
confusion of pleasure. The astonishing good fortune of my late
protegee, in finding so impassioned a friendship in her brother's
bed-chamber; the captivating eloquence of Lord Gayville, in winding up
an eclaircissement which I admire--not for the first time--to-day--and
the superlative joy Sir Clement must feel at an union, founded upon the
purity of the passions,--are subjects of such different congratulation,
that I hardly know where to begin.

_Lady E._ [_Aside_] Charming! her insolence will justify what so seldom
occurs to one--a severe retort, without a possible sense of compunction.

_Miss Als._ But in point of fortune--don't imagine, Sir Clement, I
would insinuate that the lady is destitute--oh Lord, far from it. Her
musical talents are a portion--

_ALSCRIP and RIGHTLY without._

_Alscrip._ Why, stop a moment--

_Sir C._ What have we here--the lawyers in dispute?

_Alscrip._ [_Entering._] You have not heard my last word yet.

_Rightly._ [_Entering._] You have heard mine, sir.

_Alscrip._ [_Whispering._] I'll make the five thousand I offered, ten.

_Rightly._ Millions would not bribe me--[_Coming forward._] When I
detect wrong, and vindicate the sufferer, I feel the spirit of the law
of England, and the pride of a practitioner.

_Alscrip._ Lucifer confound such practices! [_In this Part of the Scene,
SIR CLEMENT, LORD GAYVILLE, LADY EMILY, CLIFFORD, and MISS CLIFFORD,
form one Group._]

[_RIGHTLY opens a Deed, and points out a Part of it to SIR CLEMENT._]

[_MR. and MISS ALSCRIP carry on the following Speeches on the Side at
which ALSCRIP has entered. And MR. and MRS. BLANDISH are farther back,
observing._]

_Alscrip._ That cursed! cursed flaw.--

_Miss Als._ Flaw! who has dared to talk of one? not in my reputation,
sir?

_Alscrip._ No, but in my estate; which is a damned deal worse.

_Miss Als._ How? what? when?--where?----The estate that was to be
settled upon me?

_Alscrip._ Yes, but that _me_ turned topsey turvey--when _me_ broke
into my room this morning, and the devil followed, to fly away with all
my faculties at once--I am ruined--Let us see what you will settle upon
your poor father.

_Miss Als._ I settle upon you?

_Mrs. Blandish._ This is an embarrassing accident.

_Miss Als._ Yes, and a pretty help you are, with a drop chin, like a
frontispiece to the Lamentations.

_Rightly._ [_Coming forward with SIR CLEMENT._] I stated this with some
doubt this morning, but now my credit as a lawyer upon the issue.--The
heiress falls short of the terms in your treaty by two thousand pounds
a-year--which this deed, lately and providentially discovered, entails
upon the heirs of Sir William Charlton, and consequently, in right of
his mother, upon this gentleman.

_Lady E._ How!

_Lord G._ Happy disappointment.

_Sir C._ [_Aside._] Two thousand a-year to Clifford! It's a pity, for
the parade of disinterestedness, that he opened his designs upon Emily,
before he knew his pretensions.

_Lady E._ [_Aside._] Now, if there were twenty ceilings, and as many
floors, could not I find a spot to settle my silly looks upon.

                    [_SIR CLEMENT observes her with his usual Shyness._

_Sir C._ [_Turning towards ALSCRIP._] Palm a false title upon me? I
should have thought the attempt beyond the collective assurance of
Westminster-hall--and he takes the loss as much to heart as if he
bought the estate with his own money.

_Alscrip._ [_With Hesitation._] Sir Clement--what think you--of an
amicable adjustment of all these businesses?

_Sir C._ [_Ironically._] Nothing can be more reasonable. The value of
Miss Alscrip's amiable disposition, placed against the abatement of her
fortune, is a matter of the most easy computation; and to decide the
portion, Mr. Clifford ought to relinquish of his acquisition--Lady
Emily--will you be a referée?

_Lady E._ [_Aside._] Yes, the lynx has me--I thought I should not
escape.--[_To him._] No, sir; my poor abilities only extend to an
amicable endeavour here. [_To MISS ALSCRIP._] And really, Miss Alscrip,
I see no reason for your being dispirited; there may be many ready-made
titles at market, within the reach of your purse. Or, why should not
a woman of your consequence originate her own splendour? there's an
old admirer of mine--He would make a very pretty lord--and indeed,
would contribute something on his own part, to ease the purchase--The
Blandish family is well with all administrations, and a new coronet is
always as big again as an old one. I don't see how you could lay out
part of your independency to more advantage.

_Blandish._ [_Aside._] Yes, but since flaws are in fashion, I shall
look a little into things before I agree to the bargain.

_Miss Als._ [_Aside._] I'll die before I'll discover my vexation--and
yet, [_Half crying._] no title--no place.

_Lady E._ Depend upon it, Miss Alscrip, your place will be found
exactly where it ought to be. The public eye, in this country, is never
long deceived--Believe me--and cherish obscurity--Title may bring
forward merits, but it also places our defects in horrid relief.

_Alscrip._ Molly, the sooner we get out of court the better--we have
damnably the worst of this cause, so come along, Molly--[_Taking her
under the Arm._]--and farewell to Berkeley Square. Whoever wants
Alscrip House, will find it in the neighbourhood of Furnival's Inn,
with the noble title of Scrivener, in capitals--Blank bonds at the
windows, and a brass knocker at the door. [_Pulling her._] Come along,
Molly.

_Miss Als._ [_Half crying.--Aside._] Oh! the barbarous metamorphosis--but
his flusterums for a week, will serve my temper, as a regimen. I will
then take the management of my affairs into my own hands, and break
from my cloud anew: and you shall find [_To the Company._] there are
those without a coronet, that can be as saucy, and as loud, and stop
the way in all public places, as well as the best of you. [_LADY EMILY
laughs._] Yes, madam, and without borrowing your ladyship's airs.

_Als._ [_Pulling her._] Come along, Molly.

_Miss Als._ Oh you have been a jewel of a father.

                                                  [_The Company laugh._

                                        [_Exeunt MR. and MISS ALSCRIP._

                                  [_MR. and MRS. BLANDISH stay behind._

_Lady E._ Mrs. Blandish, sure you do not leave your friend, Miss
Alscrip, in distress?

_Mrs. Blandish._ We'll not disturb the ashes of the dead--my sweet Lady
Emily--

_Blandish._ Oh my sweet sister, none of your flourishes--In the present
mood of the company, even mine would not do. Truth and sentiment have
the ascendency. But let them alone; and they'll come round again.
[_Addressing the Company._] Flattery is the diet of good humour; and
not one of you can live without it; and when you quarrel with the
family of Blandish, you only leave refined cookery, to be fed upon
scraps, by a poor cousin or a led captain.

                                    [_Taking his Sister under his Arm._

_Mrs. Blandish._ [_With a Look of Courtship to the Company._] Oh! the
two charming pairs!

_Blandish._ [_Pulling her away._] Oh! thou walking dedication!

                                                             [_Exeunt._

_Lord G._ Precious group, fare ye well. [_To SIR CLEMENT._] And now,
sir, whatever may be your determinations towards me--here are pretensions
you may patronize without breach of discretion. The estate which devolves
to my friend--

_Rightly._ To prevent errors--is not his to bestow.

_Sir C._ What now--more flaws?

_Rightly._ The estate was his beyond the reach of controversy: but before
he was truly sure of it, on his way to Hyde-Park, did this spendthrift,
by a stroke of his pen, divest himself of every shilling--Here is the
covenant by which he binds himself to execute proper conveyances as soon
as the necessary forms can be gone through.

_Lord G._ And in favour of whom is this desperate act?

_Rightly._ Of a most dangerous seducer--a little mercenary, that, when
she gets hold of the heart, does not leave an atom of it our own.

_All._ How!

_Rightly._ [_With Feeling._] And there she stands, [_Pointing to MISS
CLIFFORD._] with a look and an emotion that would condemn her before
any court in the universe.

_Lady E._ Glorious--matchless Clifford!

_Miss Cliff._ Brother, this must not be.

_Cliff._ Your pardon, my dear Harriet, it is done. Sir Clement, my
sister's fortune is still far short of what you expected with Miss
Alscrip; for that deficiency, I have only to offer the virtues Lord
Gayville has proved, and the affection she found it easier to control,
than to conceal. If you will receive her, thus circumstanced, into your
family, mine has been an acquisition indeed.

_Lady E._ [_Coming up to SIR CLEMENT._] Now, sir, where's the suspicion!
Where is now the ruling principle that governs mankind! Through what
perspective, by what trial, will you find self-interest here? What,
not one pithy word to mock my credulity!--Alas! poor Yorick--quite
chop-fallen.--Forgive me, sir, I own I am agitated to extravagance--You
found me disconcerted at the first discovery; I am delighted at the
last; there's a problem of my disposition worthy your solving.

_Sir C._ [_Who has been profoundly thoughtful._] Mr. Rightly, favour me
with that paper in your hand.

_Rightly._ Mr. Clifford's engagement, sir. [_Gives the Paper: SIR CLEMENT
looks it over, and tears it._] What do you mean, sir?

_Sir C._ To cancel the obligation, and pay the equivalent to Gayville;
or if Clifford will have his own way, and become a beggar by renewing
it, to make an heiress of my own for his reparation--and there she
stands. [_Pointing to LADY EMILY._] With sensibility and vivacity so
uncommonly blended, that they extract benevolence wherever it exists,
and create it where it never was before--Your point is carried--You may
both fall upon your knees, for the consent of the ladies.

_Lord G._ [_To MISS CLIFFORD._] In this happy moment, let my errors be
forgot, and my love alone remembered.

_Miss Cliff._ With these sanctions for my avowal--I will not deny that
I saw and felt the sincerity of your attachment, from the time it was
capable of being restrained by respect.

_Cliff._ Words are wanting, Lady Emily--

_Lady E._ I wish they may with all my heart, but it is generally
remarked that wanting words, is the beginning of a florid set
speech--To be serious, Clifford--We want but little explanation on
either side--Sir Clement will tell you how long we have conversed by
our actions. [_Gives her Hand._] My dear uncle, how a smile becomes you
in its natural meaning!

_Sir C._ If you think me a convert, you are mistaken: I have ever
believed _self_ to be the predominant principle of the human mind--My
heart at this instant confirms the doctrine--There's my problem for
yours, my dear Emily, and may all who hear me agree in this solution--to
reward the deserving, and make those we love happy, is self-interest
in the extreme.


THE END.




ADVERTISEMENT.

    Particular circumstances make it requisite to state--that many of
    the foregoing, one hundred and twenty-five, little Prefaces, have
    been written, and printed, at periods by no means corresponding
    with the time of their publication; which depended solely on the
    engravers of the plates:--In consequence of which arrangement, some
    of them, that were written first, have been published almost at the
    conclusion of the work; whilst others that were hastily called for
    at its commencement, were not originally designed for so early an
    appearance before the public.--It has sometimes also occurred, that
    the performers accidentally mentioned in those Remarks, have not
    been such as the Editor has afterwards placed in the _Dramatis
    Personæ_ of the play; with which the writer had no previous concern
    or knowledge.

       *       *       *       *       *

[=Transcriber's Note:= Variants spellings of numerous words are retained
as in the original.]








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