The Project Gutenberg eBook of Signora Fantastici (A Dramatic Proverb), by Madame de Staël

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SIGNORA FANTASTICI (A DRAMATIC PROVERB)

CHARACTERS:
Mr. De Kriegschenmahl, former Swiss officer
Mrs. De Kriegschenmahl, his wife
Licidas
Rodolphe
Signora Fantastici
Zepherina, her daughter
A Commissioner who stutters

NOTE: MR. de Kriegschenmahl and Rodolphe are played with a German accent. Madame de Kriegschenmahl has an English accent.

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: My friend, if you could stop smoking that pipe you would please me greatly, in truth, greatly. It spoils the odor of the tea. The smoke soils my white dress. In truth, it's quite disagreeable.

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: What do you want, my wife? Each country has its customs. In England you drink warm water all day. It's tasteless, it's insipid! The pipe is more military; it reminds me of my youth. I've been married to you for twenty-five years, Madame de Kriegschenmahl. Can't you get used to me?

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Don't be upset, Mr. de Kriegschenmahl; I have a bounty to ask of you. For twenty-five years we've made a party of whist every night. I'd like to try this French game they say is so gay: Reversi. Do you consent to it, my dear husband? I wouldn't permit myself to do it without your approval.

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL:
Ah, how good you are! We could try it with our two sons.

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Yes. That will be a family match. That's always a pleasure. But haven't you noticed that for some time your cherished son, the one you named Licidas, is 24 years old? On account of this English novel you haven't had time to finish. Well! Licidas de Kriegschenmahl is very rarely at home. Where's this leading?

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Licidas is too well brought up for me to suspect his conduct. I'm sure he's busy with the new agricultural course which has just started up. He loves the country, solitude; he's modest and timid. Not the same as your Corporal Rodolphe. Truly, as for me, his mother, he frightens me when he talks.

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: He's a man of sense, my younger son is. He doesn't have the complexion of roses and lillies like your Licidas. He isn't made for domestic life like you and your son; but he's reasonable and I'll go so far as to bet that your Licidas will commit more stupidities than Rodolphe.

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL:
Stupidities! What do you mean? My son, who's never left my home and
who's decided never to leave us, while Rodolphe spends his life, will
I dare say it? in the guard room. Yes, I blush when I think of it.

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL:
Do you imagine so? But here's Licidas.—What's wrong with him today?

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: His hair is all undone. He staggers as he walks. My God! Could some misfortune have happened to him?

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL:
This son, so modest, so timid: would he be drunk somewhere?

LICIDAS: (entering, reciting from the role of Hippolytus)
Friends, what say you?
You who've known my heart since my birth.
Can you ask me the sentiments of a heart so proud, so disdainful?

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: What's happened to you my son? How bold your looks are. You make me lower my eyes.

LICIDAS: Mother, Father, pardon. But you don't know how beautiful the part is that I was just rehearsing; you don't know the Signora Fantastici and her charming daughter Zepherina. How I pity you!

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: My son, what are you saying to us? These are names I've never heard mentioned and yet I wandered about the country when I was young.

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: My son, I fear the people of whom you are speaking are not of a society suitable to a well brought up young man.

LICIDAS: Mother, they are two charming Italians, mother and daughter. They arrived a few days ago, and I've never been so amused until I became acquainted with them.

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: What are you saying, Licidas? Amused! Is their company worth that of your aunt Ehrenschwand to whose home we go every Monday?

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL:
Better than the Tuesday soirees at your cousin Cunegonde's?

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: You will never persuade me that it's more amusing at her place than at this club where we smoke by day sometimes three, sometimes six, sometime nine pipes?

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL:
Ah! My God! That's ruinous. A young man of 24 acting in a play.

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: It's fine for a woman to act in a play; but a man must make war, always war.

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL:
I would be very upset if you were making war. That's much too rough
for my darling son. But act in a play! Truly, that makes me shudder!
Never would my mother or my grand-mother have imagined such a thing.

LICIDAS: If you were to see Signora Fantastici she would please you. She's so animated, so lively! She recites verses, she sings. Her daughter does the same thing. And as for me, I already know the responses; they've taught me to declaim the way they do.

LICIDAS: I intend to follow Signora Fantastici. I intend to go to Italy with her.

LICIDAS: Father, I'm too bored here. Everyone says the same thing here, from the beginning of the year until the end. How are you? they say to Mother. Very well, she replies. The weather's indeed cold today. It's true but last year, about the same time it was much worse. Do you think so, says my old cousin. I am of your opinion, replies my aunt. And the next day it starts all over.

LICIDAS: Father is always telling us about the same siege. The one at Troy didn't last as long.

LICIDAS: Signora Fantastici has a new idea every day. Music, pictures, poetry fill and vary her life. Father and Mother, I really ask your forgiveness but I intend to follow Signora Fantastici.

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL:
Ah! We shall know how to prevent you. But here is your brother
Rodolphe who will set you straight.

RODOLPHE: (entering) Hello Father—how's the pipe going? Hello Mother, how are your nerves? I pity the fact you have such things. As for me, I don't have nerves, I've got devilishly good health. And you, brother, I find you even more jolly than usual. Would you like to enlist? Here I am quite ready to get you into my regiment.

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL:
Do you know what he wants to enlist in? It's a troupe of actors.

RODOLPHE: What? An actor! That's abominable. If he had such an idea I'd run him through with my sword. I don't know much about acting but I imagine that it's unworthy of a soldier. And I don't want to hear it spoken of.

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: My son, you see what you are exposing us to? Now here's your brother going to pass for someone wiser than you.

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Come, come, Madame. Don't you lament; he's going to set the lad straight. I am going to find my friend the Commissioner. And he will make this Signora Fantastici who puts trouble in all heads—leave.

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: My wife, have a care of restraining me, for By Jove, when I set myself to it, I frighten myself.

RODOLPHE: Ah, brother mine, so you are playing pranks, too. You who my mother was always citing to me as a model? So at the moment it is I who am your mentor.

LICIDAS: What do you want, brother? I thought there were only two ways of living in this world. Like my father or like my mother; like you or like me. And I much preferred mine. But since I became acquainted with Signora Fantastici I would really like to resemble her. Come see her with me.

RODOLPHE: Me? Desert my post! How can you think of it? I am remaining steady here until my father's return. And indeed I will prevent you from leaving.

LICIDAS: Ah, my God! What a bore! Suppose I were to rehearse during this time the verse that the Signora gave me to learn. It's the declaration of Hippolytus. But it has to be addressed to Aricie. Fine. My brother is precisely at my right. He's what's needed. Stay there Rodolphe, stay there.

RODOLPHE:
Why's he saying "lamentable?" Isn't that the same thing as pitiful?
Why are you saying that about yourself? That's very modest.

LICIDAS:
"My bow, my javelins, my chariot all importune me
And my idle horses.—"

RODOLPHE: What? What chariot, what horses are you talking about? You always go by foot.

LICIDAS: Ah! Do you want me to teach you the reply? That would be charming. You will say to me the word of reclama.

RODOLPHE: The word of reclama! What the devil sort of statement is that? Isn't it rather the pass word you mean? Every day, I say it to the patrol.— Who's this little girl who's coming towards us? She's dressed funny, but she's pretty. On my oath, she's pretty!

LICIDAS: It's the charming daughter of Signora Fantastici, Miss Zepherina. They will have pity on my captivity.

ZEPHERINA: She's going to come. She's staying in the street to purchase some helmets and some armor in a shop.

ZEPHERINA: Licidas will be a cavalry man. And you? Why wouldn't you make a second?

ZEPHERINA: What! You cling to minor roles? Would you like to be a guard at the back of the stage?

ZEPHERINA:
Perhaps you would simply play the bear in The Hunters and the
Milkmaid.

RODOLPHE: Miss. I don't wish to play a thing. Not to play anything at all. Do you understand?

RODOLPHE:
What would I do? By Jove, I'd do what I am. Captain Rodolphe
Kriegschenmahl.

ZEPHERINA: Now that's fine. My mother is also Signora Fantastici; me—Zepherina Fantastici. But you need to be good for something. My job is that of young female leads. And you sir, would you believe it? I think well enough of you to give you the role of Renaldo in Armida.

ZEPHERINA: Let me do it, let me do it. It's necessary to attract beginners. The role will revert to you.

RODOLPHE: Renaldo and Armida? What's that? That doesn't relate to someone in our social circle? I don't wish to shock anyone.

ZEPHERINA: But when I have to put a crown of roses on your head, how's that going to look with mustaches?

RODOLPHE: Oh! That's true; that will go ill. And yet I love roses, after the smell of tobacco, it's the best odor I know of.

RODOLPHE:
Sometimes I sleep. Often, actually. But I don't seem to be asleep.
Must I close my eyes for that?

ZEPHERINA: Your face pleases me. Touch me, and prepared to strike you, I will let the poignard fall.

RODOLPHE: But my uniform is so tight that I cannot move my arms except to exercise.

ZEPHERINA: Exercise! How dreadful! Take off your shirt and put on my shawl in its place.

RODOLPHE: Brother, you are laughing. I'm going. (gets wrapped up in the shawl and falls down) Ah, cursed shawl.

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL:
My son. What a state you are in! Has your brother fought with you?

LICIDAS: No, mother. It's Signora Zepherina who was making him rehearse a lesson in dancing. She was Armida, he was Renaldo.

ZEPHERINA:
Ah, mother. I'm very glad to see you. There's a terrible problem here.

SIGNORA FANTASTICI:
Is the ending approaching? But it's not sufficiently prepared. My dear
Licidas, present me to your father and your mother. I will be charmed
to know them.

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: And as for me, Madame, I should have wished that the obscurity of our life would spare us all this uproar.

SIGNORA FANTASTICI: I get it. One is of the abrupt type, like you would say of The Beneficent Bear. The roles of the uncle and the tutor. As to the other, the prudes. These are easy roles. But one has a German accent and the other an English accent. Which serves very well, why very well.

LICIDAS: Signora. Content yourself with the sons and don't try to bring the father and the mother. That can't be done.

SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Who told you it cannot be done? It's only a question of tearing men from their habits. You have to make them feel the interest of a new life and the insipidity of their own. You must awaken their imaginations, and they are ours.

SIGNORA FANTASTICI:
To order me! And you are trembling. That tone is not used to command.

SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Yes, but only a judge can grant or refuse a travel visa. And the judge will do me justice. He loves the arts, he loves poetry. Beware he doesn't dismiss you for having infringed on his rights.

COMMISSIONER: It's true wha-what she says, The Signora. It's a sad thing being a subaltern! I was hoping to be a judge in the last election, but a cabal p-p-prevented me.

SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Yes, a very calm shock. But as for me, I will tell you that it is your difficulty speaking that was the cause of it.

COMMISSIONER: Yes, it's true. I have a-a little trouble speaking. But my mother told me it would give me dignity.

SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Your lady mother was surely right. But stammering is a great handicap in haranguing the public.

COMMISSIONER: Four lines of b-blank verse! Will that imperil the life of an honest man?

COMMISSIONER: Why this is a charming idea! Judge, twice a week. A beautiful gown, power and no danger. Signora, I am yours.

SIGNORA FANTASTICI:
Pass to this side. You, Captain Rodolphe, will never quit my daughter.

RODOLPHE: No, surely, Signora: she's my Armida. If I go to Italy with her I will still be Rinaldo, right?

SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Yes, without a doubt. Nevertheless, once in a while you'll lend yourself to the role of Sacripant. You must be versatile in social troupes.

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL:
Husband, what's going to become of us? Our children are leaving us.
We'll remain alone with each other. How sad that is.

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Madame de Kriegschenmahl—what will we say to each other when we are alone?

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Ah, I don't know that much. Let's try to appease Signora Fantastici. (to The Signora) Madame, don't carry off my two sons, the consolation of my old age.

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Aristocratic fathers! Why, certainly. The Kriegschenmahls are gentlemen from father to son.

SIGNORA FANTASTICI: No, assuredly—but I am taking your sons with me. They please me. I will perfect their education. The younger will play the heroes; the older, tender roles. The former will become stronger, the latter more sweet. And in ten years from now I will send them back to you charmers.

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL:
Ah, madame. What must be done so as not to separate from them?

SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Listen, I'm a good person; I don't enjoy causing pain to whoever it may be, but I insist that the rights of poetry be respected in me. Too much prose, sir, too much prose in this house!

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL:
What! Madame? I cannot order my dinner in prose from Madame de
Kriegschenmahl?

SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Poetry doesn't consist only of verse, but in love for the arts, in enthusiasm and imagination, which raises the soul and the spirit. It proscribes all manner of sentiments, vulgarity, undemocratic ideas under the weight of which you've spent your entire life! Listen to me. I am going to give a party to a charming woman that illness keeps at home and who supports her sufferings with admirable courage. Now that's poetry for heaven's sake, true poetry. Would you play a role in the play we want to perform for her?

MR. DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: A siege! And do you think my gout will prevent me from rising to the assault?

SIGNORA FANTASTICI:
We will take care that the ramparts will be easy to approach.

SIGNORA FANTASTICI:
You see plainly that acting repairs the faults of destiny. And you,
Madame de Kriegschenmahl, we pray you to accept in our play the role
of a respectable woman.

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL:
Do you think that the one wouldn't be as agreeable as the other?

SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Well! Madame. Play the great flirts. I abdicate and I give them to you.

MADAME DE KRIEGSCHENMAHL: Dear spouse, control your jealous transports. I will be a flirt only on the stage. Everywhere else—you know me.

SIGNORA FANTASTICI: Now then, here we are all content and we are going to celebrate suitably, the triumph of poetry over prose.

CURTAIN

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The Project Gutenberg eBook of Signora Fantastici (A Dramatic Proverb)

SIGNORA FANTASTICI (A DRAMATIC PROVERB)

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