The Project Gutenberg eBook of Humorists of the Pencil: Phil May This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: Humorists of the Pencil: Phil May Author: Phil May Release date: August 18, 2020 [eBook #62969] Language: English Credits: Produced by Chuck Greif (This file was produced from images available at The Internet Archive) *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMORISTS OF THE PENCIL: PHIL MAY *** Produced by Chuck Greif (This file was produced from images available at The Internet Archive) HUMORISTS OF THE PENCIL PHIL MAY [Illustration: colophon] LONDON: “PUNCH” OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET, E.C. [Illustration: PHIL MAY--By Himself.] Reproduced from “The History of Punch” by the kind permission of Mr. H. H. Spielmann, the ownder of the original drawings. [Illustration: “AND SHE OUGHT TO KNOW!” “That’s supposed to be a Portograph of Lady Solsbary. But, bless yer, it ain’t like her a bit in Private!”] [Illustration: PREACHING AND PRACTISING. _Lady Bountiful_ (_to old Parishioner_). “I hope you like our New Clergyman’s Sermons, Mrs. Brown?” _Mrs. Brown_: “Oh yes, my Lady, he do Preach quite beautiful; but then, you see, he don’t Practise. So when my poor old Man be troubled with the Rheumatics, I have to send for the Doctor in the Village, and it do come so very expensive!”] [Illustration: “PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE WAITER.” “All right, Sir! My fault!”] [Illustration: FOGGY WEATHER. “Has Mr. Smith been here?” “Yes; he was here about an hour ago.” “Was I with him?”] [Illustration: “Penny ’Addick.” “Finen?” “No; thick ’un!”] [Illustration: A NEGLECTED INDUSTRY. “’Ow are yer gettin’ on, Bill?” “Ain’t gettin’ on at all. I’m beginnin’ to think as the Publick doesn’t know what they wants!”] [Illustration: BLASÉ _Kitty_ (_reading a fairy tale_). “‘Once upon a time there was a frog----’” _Mabel_ (_interrupting_). “I bet it’s a Princess! Go on!”] [Illustration: CRUEL! _Lucullus Brown_ (_on hospitable purpose intent_). “Are you Dining anywhere to-morrow night?” _Jones_ (_not liking to absolutely “give himself away”_). “Let me see”--(_considers_)--“No; I’m not Dining anywhere to-morrow.” _Lucullus Brown_ (_seeing through the artifice_). “Um! Poor chap! How Hungry you will be!” [“_Exeunt,--severally_.”]] [Illustration: “THE COW WAS THE STAMP TO IMPRESS SUPERIOR BUTTER.” “’Arf a pound er Margarine, please; an’ Mother says will yer put the Cow on it cos she’s got Company!”] [Illustration: Q. E. D. “Wha’s up wi’ Sal?” “Ain’t yer ’erd? She’s Married agin!”] [Illustration: OF VITAL IMPORTANCE. “Hi, Billie! _’Ere’s_ Cheap Gloves!”] [Illustration: AN IMPORTANT ’JUNCTION. “You mind your Fader gets my Boots reddy by Four o’clock, ’cos I’m goin’ to a Party!”] [Illustration: AN INFORMAL INTRODUCTION. ’_Arry_ (_shouting across the street to his “Pal”_) “Hi! Bill! This is ’er!”] [Illustration: POLITICS AND GALLANTRY. _First ’Arry_: “Hay, wot’s this ’ere Rosebery a torkin’ abaat? Bless’d if he ain’t a goin’ to do awy with the Lords!” _Second ’Arry_: (_more of a Don Juan than a Politician_). “Do awy with the ’ole bloomin’ lot o’ Lords, if he likes, as long as he don’t do awy with the Lidies!”] [Illustration: THE PLUNGER. _First Boy_ _(much interested in the game of Buttons_). “’As ’e lost?” _Second Ditto_. “Yes; ’e lost all them Buttons what ’e won off Tommy Crowther yesterday, an’ then ’e cut all the Buttons off ’is Clothes, and ’e’s lost them too!”] [Illustration: _Superior ’Arry_. “Cabbie! To the--aw--the Prince of Wales’s.” _Cabbie_-“Marlbro’ ’Ouse, my Lord?”] [Illustration: THE GENIAL SEASON. _Hungry-looking Acquaintance_ (_with eye to invitation_). “So glad to see you enjoying yourself!” _Fat Chap_ (_evidently doing well_). “Wrong again, old Man. I’m enjoying my Dinner!”] [Illustration: “Look what I’ve bought you for a Christmas Box!”] [Illustration: PAST AND PRESENT. _Serious and much-Married Man_. “My dear Friend, I _was_ astonished to hear of _your_ dining at Madame Troisétoiles!--a ‘Woman with a Past’ you know!” _The Friend_ (_Bachelor “unattached”_). “Well, you see, old Man, she’s got a first-rate _Chef_, so it isn’t her ‘Past’ but her ‘Re-past’ that I care about.”] [Illustration: Editor of Libellous Rag (who has just received a terrific but well-deserved kick). “Dud you man thot?” _Colonel McMurder_. “Yis, oi _dud_, you thunderin’ villain!” _Editor_. “Oh, very well, thot’s all _roight_. Oi t’ought it moight av been wan o’ thim prac-ta-cle jokes”!] [Illustration: “Hi, Billy! are yer Movin’?”] [Illustration: SO LIKELY! Scene--_Bar of a Railway Refreshment Room._ _Barmaid_. “Tea, Sir?” _Mr. Boozy_. “Tea!!! ME!!!!”] [Illustration: BOTANY; OR, A DAY IN THE COUNTRY. “Say, Billee, shall we gaver Mushrooms?” “Yus. I’m a Beggar to Climb!”] [Illustration: _First Boy_. “Give us a Bite of your Apple, Bob.” _Second Boy_. “Shan’t.” _First Boy_. “What for?” _Second Boy_. “’Cos yer axed me!” (_After a pause._) _Small Boy_. “Gi’ me a Bite, Bob. I never axed yer!”] [Illustration: A BUSINESS ANNOUNCEMENT.] [Illustration: MAY 1. THE SWEEPS’ FESTIVAL. A Study in Black and White. ⁂ Nice for Next Fare.] [Illustration: _New Assistant_ (_after hair-cutting, to Jones, who has been away for a couple of weeks_). “Your ’Air is very thin be’ind, Sir. Try Singeing!” _Jones_ (_after a pause_). “Yes, I think I will.” _N.A._ (_after singeing_). “Shampoo, Sir? Good for the ’Air, Sir.” _Jones_. “Thank you. Yes.” _N.A._ “Your Moustaches curled?” _Jones_. “Please.” _N.A._ “May I give you a Friction?” _Jones_. “Thank you.” _N.A._ “Will you try some of our----” _Manager_ (_who has just sighted his man, in Stage whisper_). “You Idiot! _He’s_ a Subscriber!!”] [Illustration: _Youngster_ (_who has just had a Penny given to him_). “’Ow much is them Grapes, Mister?” _Shopkeeper_ (_amused_). “They are Four Shillings and Sixpence a Pound, my Lad.” _Youngster_. “Well, then, give us a ’A’porth o’ _Carrots_. I’m a _Demon_ for _Fruit_!”] [Illustration: _Ragged Urchin_ (_who has just picked up very short and dirty end of a Cigarette_). “Hi, Billy! Look ’ere! See what you’ve missed!”] [Illustration: “_Perfeck Lidy_” (_who has just been ejected_). “Well, _next_ time I goes into a Publickouse, I’ll go somewhere where I’ll be _respected_!”] [Illustration: A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP. _First Gossip_. “So you was nivver axed tut Funeral?” _Second Gossip_. “Nivver as much as inside t’house. But nobbut wait till _we_ hev’ a Funeral of us own, an’ _we_’ll show ’em!”] [Illustration: SO THAT DOESN’T COUNT. “Are you sure they’re quite Fresh?” “Wot a Question to arst! Can’t yer see they’re Alive?” “Yes; but you’re _Alive_, you know!”] [Illustration: A SUNDAY DINNER. _Father of Family_ (_who has accidentally shot the leg of a Fowl under the table_). “Mind t’Dog doesn’t get it!” _Young Hopeful_ (_triumphantly_). “All right, Feyther! I’ve gotten me Foot on it!”] [Illustration: _Workman_ (_politely, to old Lady, who has accidentally got into the Smoking Compartment_). “You don’ object to my Pipe, I ’ope Mum?” _Old Lady_. “Yes, I _do_ object, very strongly!” _Workman_. “Oh! Then out you get!!”] [Illustration: REASSURING. “Lor’ bless yer, Sir, that’s all right, Sir! _That_ ain’t a Fly, Sir! _That’s_ a bit of Dirt!”] [Illustration: PICKINGS FROM PICARDY. After the Procession. A Solo by Grand-père.] [Illustration: MUCH ADO. “Mumma-a-a! Boo-hoo! We’s crying! Tum up ’tairs an’ see what’s de matter wiv us!”] [Illustration: A SKETCH FROM LIFE. _Chorus_ (_slow music_). “We’ve a rare old--fair old--rickety Crew!”] [Illustration: “_Are_ you comin’ ’ome?” “I’ll do ellythik you _like_ in reasol, M’ria--(_hic_)--Bur I _won’t_ come ’ome.”] [Illustration: _Importunate Street Urchin_ (_for the tenth time_). “Gi’ us a Copper. Sir! Gi’ us a Copper!” _Testy Individual_ (_losing patience_). “Oh, go to”--(substitutes a milder form)--“blazes!” _Street Urchin_. “Sure thin an’ I would in this bastly could weather, if I was only certain o’ comin’ back again!” [_Individual’s testiness overcome and Urchin rewarded_.]] [Illustration: “NICE FOR THE VISITORS.” (_Sketch Outisde a Fashionable Hotel_.)] [Illustration: _Coster_ (_to acquaintance, who has been away for some months_). “Wot are yer bin doin’ all this time?” _Bill Robbins_ (_who has been “doing time”_). “Oh, I’ve bin Wheelin’ a bit, Ole Man--Wheelin’ a bit!”] [Illustration: THE GREAT PRIZE FIGHT. _Johnnie_ (_who finds that his Box, £20, has been appropriated by “the Fancy”_). “I beg your pardon, but this is _my_ Box!” _Bill Basford_. “Oh, is it? Well, why don’t you tike it?”] [Illustration: _Fussy Old Lady_. “Now _don’t_ forget, Conductor. I _want the Bank of England_.” _Conductor_. “_All_ right, Mum.” (_Aside_.) “She _don’t_ want _much_, do she, Mate?”] [Illustration: INFORMATION. _First ’Arry_ (_with newspaper_). “I say, ’Arry, you’se a Toff. What’s a ‘Collar Day’ at Court?” _Second ’Arry_. “Donno ’xactly. Suppose it’s a Saturday when things come ’ome from the Wash.” _First ’Arry_. “Oh, I see--‘Clean Collar Day’!”] [Illustration: _Little Guttersnipe_ (_who is getting quite used to posing_). “Will yer want me ter tike my Bun down?”] [Illustration: “EVERYTHING COMES TO HIM THAT ‘WAITS.’”] [Illustration: THE HEALING ART. _Doctor_. “Did you give the Children the Physic I sent last night?” _Fond Mother_. “Yes, Sir,” _Doctor_. “And how are they to-day?” _Fond Mother_. “Well, the little un’s very bad to be sure. But it don’t seem to ’ave done the t’other un’ no ’Arm as yet!”] [Illustration: _Bill Sykes_ (_reading_). “There are now ten men of the Bechuanaland Border Police in the whole Bechuanaland Protectorate, four of whom are doing Customs Duty.”] [Illustration: _Street Serio_ (_singing_). “Er--yew will think hov me and Love me has in dies hov long ago-o-o!”] [Illustration: _Old Jones_. “Yes, my Boy, _there’s_ Wine for you, eh? I bought Ten Pounds of it the other day.” _Brown_. “What a _lot_ you must have got!”] [Illustration: First Newspaper Boy. “Hullo, Bill! Who’s ’e?” Second Newspaper Boy. “I suppose ’e’s the North Pole as ’as just been Discovered!”] [Illustration: “What Bait are yer usin’, Billie?” “Cheese.” “What are yer tryin’ ter catch--Mice?”] [Illustration: A BI-METALLISTIC DISCUSSION. _Jim_. “What’s this ere ‘Bi-metallism,’ Bill?” _Bill_ (_of superior intelligence_). “Well, yer see, Jim, it’s heither a Licensed Wittlers’ or a Teetotal Dodge. The Wages’ll be paid in Silver, and no more Coppers. So you can’t get no arf-pint nor hanythink under a Sixpence or a Thrip’ny. Then you heither leaves it alone, and takes to Water like a Duck, or you runs up a score.” _Jim_. “Ah! But if there ain’t no more Coppers, ’ow about the ’Buses and the Hunderground Rileway?” _Bill_ (_profoundly_). “Ah!” [Left sitting.]] [Illustration: _First Genius to Second Genius_. “Why on Earth do you do your Hair in that absurd Fashion, Smith?”] [Illustration: “Oi tell yez Oi will _not_ clane out me Cell. Oi’d lave the Jail furrst!”] [Illustration: _Small Voice from under the Bed_. “_No_, I will _not_ come out! I tell you, once and for all.” Bernesia. “I _will_ be Master in my own House!”] [Illustration: _Photographer_. “I think this is an excellent Portrait of your Wife.” _Mr. Smallweed_. “I don’t know--sort of _repose_ about the mouth that somehow doesn’t seem right”] [Illustration: “Where did yer spend yer ’Olidays, Bob?” “Souf o’ Frarnce, o’ course!”] [Illustration: HOSPITALITY. _Spokesman of Working Men’s Club_ (_on the occasion of their Patron’s first visit_). “And we ’opes, Sir, as this ’ll be _neither_ the _first_ nor the _last_ time as you’ll dew us the honner of settin’ among us!”] [Illustration: SO INVITING!] [Illustration: ’_Bus Conductor_, “Emmersmith! Emmersmith! ’Ere ye are! Emmersmith!” ’_Liza Ann_. “Oo er yer callin’ Emmer Smith? Sorcy ’ound!”] [Illustration: _Enthusiastic Briton_ (_to seedy American, who has been running down all our National Monuments_). “But even if our Houses of Parliament ‘aren’t in it,’ as you say, with the Masonic Temple of Chicago, surely, Sir, you will admit the Thames Embankment, for instance----” _Seedy American_. “Waal, _guess_ I don’t think so durned much of your Thames Embankment, neither. It _rained_ all the blarmed time the night I _slep_ on it.”] [Illustration: “Gentlemen, I am ready to admit that his Career in the Past has not been free from Blemish----”] [Illustration: FASHIONABLE AND SEASONABLE. Where to Sup _al fresco_ in the Hottest Weather. The “_Whelkome_ Club.”] [Illustration: “Tell your Fortune, Pretty Gentleman?”] [Illustration: _Clerk of Booking-Office._ “There is _no_ First Class by this Train, Sir.” ’_Arry_. “Then wot are _we_ going ter do, Bill?”] [Illustration: “THE ANCHOR’S WEIGHED.” (_Sketched on an Excursion Steamer._)] [Illustration: SOCIAL EVOLUTION _Tramp_ (_to benevolent but inquisitive Lady_). “Well you see, Mum, it were like this. I were a ’Addick Smoker by profession; then I got ill, and ’ad to go to the ’Orspital; then I sold Cats’ Meat; but some’ow or other I got into _low water!_”] [Illustration: A SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY.] [Illustration: THE MOTOR ’BUS. _Fussy Old Gent_. “Hi! Stop! stop! I want to get down.” _Driver_. “_I_ can’t stop the bloomin’ thing!!”] [Illustration: “Poor likkle Doggie--hasn’t got any Fevvers on!”] [Illustration: THE MOTOR ’BUS. _Fussy Old Gent_. “Hi! Stop! stop! I want to get down.” _Driver_. “I can’t stop the bloomin’ thing!!”] [Illustration: SO VERY CONSIDERATE. _Stout Coster_. “Where are yer goin’ to, Bill?” _Bill_. “Inter the Country for a nice Drive, bein’ Bank ’Olidy.” _Stout Coster_. “Same ’ere. I sy! don’t yer think we might swop Misseses just for a few Hours? It would be so much kinder to the Hanimile!”] [Illustration: _Sexton_ (_to a Divine, who was spending his holidays in the country, and who, on the sudden illness of the Village Parson, volunteered to take the duties_). “A worse Preacher would have done for us, Sir, _but we couldn’t get one_!”] [Illustration: ZOOLOGY. “That’s a Porkypine, Sarah.” “No, it ain’t, Bill. It’s a Orstridge!”] [Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS.] [Illustration: 79 SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS.] [Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS. “Oh, rest you merry Gentleman, May nothing you dismay!”] [Illustration: “A STUDY IN EXPRESSION.”] End of Project Gutenberg's Humorists of the Pencil: Phil May, by Phil May *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMORISTS OF THE PENCIL: PHIL MAY *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. 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