The Project Gutenberg eBook of Look out for paint: A farce comedy in three acts This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: Look out for paint: A farce comedy in three acts Author: Cornelius Shea Release date: January 2, 2023 [eBook #69690] Language: English Original publication: United States: Walter H. Baker & Co, 1912 Credits: Charlene Taylor and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LOOK OUT FOR PAINT: A FARCE COMEDY IN THREE ACTS *** A. W. Pinero’s Plays Price, 50 Cents Each =THE AMAZONS= Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, not difficult. Plays a full evening. =THE CABINET MINISTER= Farce in Four Acts. Ten males, nine females. Costumes, modern society; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. =DANDY DICK= Farce in Three Acts. Seven males, four females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors. Plays two hours and a half. =THE GAY LORD QUEX= Comedy in Four Acts. Four males, ten females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. =THE HOUSE IN ORDER= Comedy in Four Acts. Nine males, four females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. =THE HOBBY HORSE= Comedy in Three Acts. Ten males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery easy. Plays two hours and a half. =IRIS= Drama in Five Acts. Seven males, seven females. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. =LADY BOUNTIFUL= Play in Four Acts. Eight males, seven females. Costumes, modern; scenery, four interiors, not easy. Plays a full evening. =LETTY= Drama in Four Acts and an Epilogue. Ten males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery complicated. Plays a full evening. =THE MAGISTRATE= Farce in Three Acts. Twelve males, four females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interior. Plays two hours and a half. Sent prepaid on receipt of price by Walter H. Baker & Company No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts Look Out For Paint A Farce Comedy in Three Acts By CORNELIUS SHEA BOSTON WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 1912 Look Out For Paint CHARACTERS (_As originally produced in Tottenville, N. Y., June 9, 1911_). HIRAM RODNEY, _owner of “High Up Farm”_ _Mr. Frank J. Dolan_. PERCY HEARTACHE, _an artist, in love with Rodney’s daughter Helen_ _Mr. Benjamin B. Cole_. HICKORY HOMESPUN, _a bashful farmer, who is well to do_ _Mr. J. J. Malle_. TROTWELL ROAMER, _a tramp, who is a painter by trade_ _Mr. Edward Johnson_. BILL, _a big, good-natured boy who does the chores_ _Mr. Arthur Parsons_. SUSAN RODNEY, _the farmer’s wife_ _Miss Cecilia Stern_. HELEN RODNEY, _the farmer’s daughter_ _Miss Lena S. Hoehn_. HATTIE RENWICK, _a stenographer from the city, past thirty and anxious to wed_ _Miss Marvel Matthes_. LUCINDA WHEATCHAFF, _a widow in love with Hickory Homespun_ _Mrs. Willis Larkin_. TIME:—The present. LOCALITY:—A farm in the upper part of New York State. Time of performance, one hour and a half. [Illustration: (Publisher colophon)] COPYRIGHT, 1912, BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO. SYNOPSIS ACT I.—Dining-room at “High Up Farm.” The arrival of the boarder from the city. The two letters. The farmer decides to have his sailboat painted, since the summer boarders have begun to come. ACT II.—Lawn at “High Up Farm.” Heartache is much perplexed. Helen helps him fix it. The tramp. The plot. Hattie is surprised. “He has disguised himself to test the depths of my devotion.” The tramp tries to escape. ACT III.—Same as Act II. An embarrassing mistake. “Look out for paint.” Miss Renwick decides that she don’t want a husband. The widow wins. Bill settles it all. COSTUMES It will be necessary for Hattie and Helen to change. Hattie is to be stylishly gowned in summer apparel when she enters in first act. Helen to fit the occasion, as a farmer’s daughter when at work about the house, and also “dressed up” to receive visitors. Bill in ridiculous make-up and big straw hat. Percy in rather dudish style. Roamer in ragged coat and overalls. Hiram as a farmer at work. Hickory “dressed up” a little. Lucinda as a widow just discarding her weeds. Susan with apron, etc. PROPERTIES Churn, table, chairs, benches, etc., broom, feather duster and ordinary furnishings for common sitting-room; table is set on lawn during intermission between second and third acts Sign, “Cow for Sale.” Two paint cans, with brushes. Look Out for Paint ACT I SCENE.—_Sitting-room of the “High Up Farmhouse.”_ _Enter_ HIRAM RODNEY, _drying hands with big, coarse towel_. HIRAM. So it’s city boarders we’re going to have, eh? An’ one is comin’ to-day! Well, I don’t think a whole lot of this pesky business, but Susan got it in her head to take ’em, so I s’pose she’s got to have her way about it. Women-folks generally does have their own way, anyhow. I know Susan does; she always has, too. But it’s all right. A little cash money from boarders will come in mighty handy, I calculate. It’s been so dry that it looks as though the corn crop is going to be a rank failure. An’ the hay——(_Voices and laughter outside._) Hello! What’s this? Bill has brought the new boarder over from the depot, I s’pose. (_Goes to door at_ C.) Yes, sure enough, she’s come. My! but ain’t she dressed up! Paint an’ powder on her face, too! An’ Bill is luggin’ in her trunk. _Enter_ BILL, _carrying trunk, followed by_ HATTIE RENWICK. BILL. Here we are, Mr. Rodney. I found her all right. Ain’t she a stunner? I’ll bet that dress an’ hat of hers cost more’n five dollars, bergosh! Ain’t she—— HIRAM. Shet up, you fool! Don’t you know how to act when we’ve got company? HAT. (_graciously_). Oh, don’t mind him. I think Bill is just too cute for anything. He is so witty in his conversation that I just enjoyed myself riding over from the depot. (_Laughs lightly and glances killingly at_ BILL, _who curtsies and then struts around like a peacock_.) So this is High Up Farm, I suppose? HIRAM. Yes, miss, that’s just what it is. Be you Miss Hattie Renwick, the new boarder? HAT. Yes, that is who I am, sir. I suppose you are Mr. Rodney? HIRAM. That’s me. I’m the boss of this here place—when Susan ain’t around, I mean. (_Footsteps at_ L.) Here she comes now. She’ll look after you all right, miss. Susan knows her business. _Enter_ SUSAN RODNEY, _from kitchen at_ L. HAT. Mrs. Rodney, I presume? SUSAN (_bowing and smiling_). Yes, that’s who I be. You are the young lady come here to board, I take it? HIRAM. That’s who she is, Susan. Jest look after her, will you? (_To_ BILL.) Take that trunk up-stairs, Bill, an’ hurry up about it. I’ve got to send you back to the village before you unhitch the mare. I wanted you to do an errand for me, but you went off without me knowin’ it. Hurry up now. BILL. All right. I’ll git this here trunk up-stairs in a jiffy. (_Tries to lift trunk and falls over it._) Gosh! I missed my hold that time. (_To_ HAT.) Say, miss, there ain’t no crockery in this, is there? HAT. (_laughing_). No crockery, Bill. BILL. All right, then. (HIRAM _helps him and the two exeunt with trunk at_ R.) HAT. (_looking about room and breathing a sigh of relief_). What a relief to get out of the crowded, dusty city. I am so glad I am here. SUSAN. You ought to be, Miss Renwick. There is nothing like the dear old country, after all. Shall I show you to your room? HAT. If you please, Mrs. Rodney. _Enter_ HIRAM _and_ BILL, R. _Exeunt_ SUSAN _and_ HAT., R. HIRAM. Now, Bill, I want you to drive over to the village and tell Jim Styles to send a man over here to paint ther boat just as soon as he kin. Since we’re goin’ ter have boarders, we’ve got to have the boat so they kin use it on the lake. Tell him it’s white paint for the outside an’ yaller inside. Don’t you forgit, Bill. BILL. I won’t. But I’ll have to bring in an armful of wood first. I seen there wasn’t any in ther wood-box when I come in. HIRAM. Mighty thoughtful of you all at once. BILL. Say! but ain’t the new boarder a daisy? (_Laughs uproariously._) HIRAM. Pshaw! You don’t think that city gal would take any notice of you, do yer? BILL. I don’t, eh? That’s as much as you know about it. Why, she told me I was a fine specimen of a healthy young farmer. (_Draws himself up proudly._) An’ she give me a dig in ther ribs, too. She’s a reg’lar peach! (_Laughs loudly again._) HIRAM. You’re a born fool, Bill, an’ you don’t know it. That gal was jest makin’ fun of yer, that’s all. [_Exeunt_ HIRAM _and_ BILL. _Enter_ HELEN RODNEY, _with bunch of flowers in her hand_. HEL. I see the buggy outside, so I suppose our boarder has arrived. I wonder how she looks? She wrote that she is a stenographer in New York, and the letter was typewritten, too. By the way it read, she must be very much of a lady. Well, as there is no one here now, I’ll take my chance to write a note to Percy. I know mother won’t object, so I’ll invite him over to take tea with us to-morrow afternoon. Percy is just too sweet for anything; and he is an artist, too! I hope the new boarder is not good-looking, so there will be no danger of her cutting me out. (_Opens drawer in stand and takes out paper, pen and ink and writes._) There! (_Holds up note she has written._) That is rather brief, but it will answer the purpose, I know. Percy will be delighted to come, too. When mother and father see him and get acquainted with him they won’t mind if he comes often, I am sure. (_Reads._) “Dear Percy, come over to-morrow afternoon and take tea with us. Pa and ma will be pleased to see you. Yours lovingly, H. R.” (_Places paper in envelope and addresses it._ BILL _is heard whistling outside_.) Here, Bill, I want you. Hurry up. (BILL _enters on a run and stumbles, throwing an armful of wood on the floor_.) BILL (_on his hands and knees_). What do yer want, Helen? HEL. Get up, stupid. I want you to take this letter to the post-office some time to-day. BILL (_taking letter_). All right, Helen. I’ve got to go to ther village right away, an’ I’ll mail ther letter for yer. HEL. Well, see that you don’t lose it. Here is ten cents for you. BILL. Hooray! I’ll buy a mouth-organ now. Then I’ll make some mew-sick around High Up Farm, see if I don’t. Helen, you never heard me play a mouth-organ, did yer? HEL. No; and I don’t wish to hear you, either. Just pick up that wood and be off with you. BILL (_gathering up the sticks of wood_). All right, Helen. I forgot to thank you for this dime. (_Puts coin in mouth and then goes off_ L.) (_Exit_ HEL., C. _Enter_ HAT., R.) HAT. Oh! Here is pen, ink and paper. Just what I want. I wonder if I could get that simple fellow, Bill, to go over to the post-office? I must let Percy know I am here. Won’t he be surprised! What a romance, indeed. We have never seen each other, nor even exchanged photographs, but I am sure he loves me, or he would never have answered my second letter after reading my advertisement in a matrimonial paper. When I found High Up Farm was so near the village he is stopping in I could not make arrangements to come here quickly enough. How delightful! How romantic! I’ll just write him a few words to let him know I am here. I will ask him to come over to-morrow afternoon. Just think of it! How romantic it will be! I am sure I will know him, for I can imagine just how he looks from his letters. And he is an artist, too. Very, very romantic! (_Sits down and writes._) There! I think this will do. (_Reads._) “Dear Percy: I have just arrived at High Up Farm and will be pleased to meet you here to-morrow afternoon. I know how surprised you will be when you read this, and feel sure that when you see me you will not be sorry you answered my matrimonial advertisement, which was really inserted more in a spirit of mischief than anything else. Yours, lovingly, H. R.” (_To audience._) That ought to land him, if anything will. Since I have decided to get married, I must go the limit. I must land this handsome young artist—I know he must be handsome, for artists always are—and I will surely look my best to-morrow afternoon. I wonder where that big booby, Bill, is? (BILL _heard whistling outside_.) Oh! there he is now. (_Walks to_ L.) Come here, Bill; I want you. _Enter_ BILL, _whip in hand_. BILL. What do you want, miss? HAT. When are you going over to the village again? BILL. Right now. Kin I do anything for yer? HAT. (_sealing note in envelope_). Yes; take this letter to the post-office for me. (_Writes address on envelope._) BILL. All right, Miss Daisy; I’ll do it for yer. HAT. My name isn’t Daisy. BILL. Well, you’re a daisy, jest ther same. HAT. (_laughing_). Do you think so, Bill? BILL. I don’t think so; I know it, bergosh! HAT. None of that, Bill. I know you don’t mean a word of what you say. You are just like the rest of the men. BILL (_pulling up trousers and strutting about with chest thrown out_). Rest of ther men, eh? Well, I always thought I was nothin’ but a boy yet. But if you say I’m a man, I must be, Daisy. HAT. (_handing him letter and piece of money_). Here is a quarter for you. Take the letter and be sure and mail it. That’s a good boy. BILL (_starting toward_ L.). Boy, eh? A minute ago I was a man. Well, that’s jest like ther wimmen-folks. They say one thing an’ mean another. (_Laughs loudly and goes off_ L. HAT. _goes off_ C.) _Enter_ SUSAN, R. SUSAN. Now I suppose I must get dinner ready. The new boarder is most likely hungry, an’ I want her to be satisfied. Six dollars a week ain’t to be sneezed at these times. (_Starts for_ L., _when_ HEL. _enters_.) HEL. Mother, I have asked a young man to come over and take tea with us to-morrow. You don’t object, do you? SUSAN. Young man? You mean that painter you’ve talked so much about in the last week or two, I s’pose? HEL. Not painter, mother. He is an artist. SUSAN. Well, ain’t a painter an artist? I call him a painter, an’ I don’t think he amounts to much, though I ain’t never set eyes on him. HEL. (_taking_ SUSAN’S _face in her hands_). Oh, mother, you will surely change your opinion when you see him once. He is just too sweet for anything. He is very wealthy, too, and I happen to know that he has more than an ordinary fondness for me. SUSAN (_disengaging herself from_ HEL.). All girls are alike at your age. Well, let him come, if he wants to. I was thinking of inviting the widow over to-morrow afternoon, so Miss Renwick would have company. Most likely she’ll find it rather lonesome here at first. Hick Homespun told your father he was coming over to look at the brindle cow which is for sale, to-morrow afternoon, so it will just come in fine. The widow has set her cap for Hick, an’ I’ve made up my mind to help her along all I can. Yes. Let the painter come over, an’ we’ll have a little party. HEL. And we won’t say anything about it to father, or the boarder, mother. Let’s make it a surprise party, as far as they are concerned. SUSAN. Very well, Helen. I was goin’ to tell your father, but if you want him surprised it’s all right. HEL. Where is the new boarder, mother? I haven’t seen her yet. SUSAN. She is up in her room. She seems to be a very nice girl. HEL. Is she good-looking? SUSAN. Very. She reminds me of one of them pictures you see in the fashion books. (_Starts._) I hear her coming downstairs now. I’ll introduce you right away. _Enter_ HAT., R. HAT. Has Bill gone yet, Mrs. Rodney? I have just discovered that I failed to bring my tooth powder with me, and if there is a drug store at the village I want him to get me some. SUSAN. I’ll see if Bill has gone yet, Miss Renwick. (_Goes to door at_ C., _and looks out_.) There! he is going now. Hey, Bill! Come back here. You’re wanted. (_Comes back._) Miss Renwick, let me make you acquainted with my daughter Helen. (HEL., _who has been studying the new boarder, advances a step and bows_.) HAT. I am very glad to meet her, I am sure. How do you do, Miss Rodney? (_They shake hands._) HEL. I am quite well, I thank you. I hope you will like it here at High Up Farm. HAT. I hope so; but it does seem rather slow here at the start. You see, I am so used to the gay life of the city, with the theatre parties every night or two, and the receptions and balls. It is so different in the country. But I will get used to it, I know. HEL. Miss Renwick, do stenographers have such enjoyment in the city? They must draw large salaries. HAT. Oh, they do. But of course they don’t use their own money for such pleasures. The fellows attend to that part of it—young men interested in Wall Street, and the like, you know. HEL. Oh, I see. It must be delightful to live in the city and be a stenographer. _Enter_ BILL _hurriedly from_ C. BILL. What do yer want, Missus Rodney? You jest stopped me in time. If I hadn’t waited to fix ther mare’s traces you wouldn’t have got me. HAT. (_smiling graciously_). It is I who want you, Bill. BILL. Oh, it’s you, eh, Daisy? HAT. What did I tell you about calling me Daisy? BILL. Excuse me. I’ll change it an’ call you Peach, then. HAT. Stop your nonsense, Bill. (_Takes money from purse and hands it to him._) There! Stop at the drug store and get me a box of tooth powder. If you can’t get powder, get paste. BILL. An’ if I can’t git paste I’ll git a bottle of mucilage. HEL. The idea, Bill! Mucilage! People don’t use such stuff as that to clean their teeth. BILL. If they was false it would be good to stick ’em to ther gums. HAT. (_sharply_). Bill, I want you to understand that my teeth are all my own. BILL. Of course, Daisy—I mean Peach. Whose would they be? If you’ve got false ones most likely you paid for ’em. Whose would they be? (_Goes to door at_ C., _laughing_.) But all right, Peach. I’ll git ther tooth powder for yer. I won’t forgit. I’m goin’ to buy a set of clappers with that quarter you give me afore. Then, with a new mouth-organ an’ ther clappers, there’ll be a regular band of music around High Up Farm. [_Exit._ HEL. Mother, that boy is getting to be a regular nuisance. The idea of him speaking that way to a stranger! HAT. Oh! I don’t mind him, Miss Rodney. Bill isn’t exactly all right. I noticed that when he met me at the depot. He means no offense, I am sure. His comical actions and remarks help take away the dullness. Bill is all right. SUSAN. Well, we’ve had him ever since he was about ten years old, an’ he’s always been pretty faithful. I s’pose he can’t help it if he’s a little loose in his upper story. Most likely he was born that way. HEL. Quite likely, mother. HAT. (_sitting down_). Miss Helen, are there many good-looking young farmers around here? HEL. There are plenty of young men in the neighborhood, Miss Renwick. But as to their good looks, I suppose you would be better able to judge than I. You reside in the city, and I presume you see so many handsome young men that you would not think much of those you will meet here in the country. As for myself, I don’t care a great deal for farmers. SUSAN. Shame on you, Helen! You, a farmer’s daughter, talkin’ like that. HEL. I can’t help it, mother; just because I was born on a farm don’t say that I should be a farmer’s wife. HAT. Why, I think that would be delightful, provided the husband could give his wife all she wanted. Plenty of fine dresses, a horse and carriage, and a nice automobile. Farmers usually are very wealthy, I have heard. SUSAN. Well, there ain’t many rich ones around here, Miss Renwick. About the only one anywhere around here who’s got plenty of money is Hick Homespun, an’ his father left it to him. Hick never earned it, though he does know pretty well how to keep it. HAT. Hick Homespun! What a funny name, Mrs. Rodney. SUSAN. Yes, it is a sorter old-fashioned name. But Hick is all right, just the same. HEL. His given name is Hickory, but every one calls him Hick, for short. HAT. Is he married? HEL. No, he is a bachelor farmer. SUSAN. But he ain’t likely to remain a bachelor very long. Lucinda Wheatchaff, the widow, has set her cap for him. She’ll catch him, too, for Lucinda has very winnin’ ways. She made up her mind to get Hank Wheatchaff, an’ she jest went ahead an’ got him. But Hank didn’t live more’n a year, an’ when he died he left the widow a nice little farm an’ a few thousands in cash. Lucinda will win Hick all right, though he’s an awful bashful man. She’ll—— (_Knock at door_ C.) As I live! I believe that’s the widow now. I always know her knock. (_Calls out._) Come in. _Enter_ LUCINDA WHEATCHAFF. LUC. Hello, everybody! Isn’t this a lovely day? (_Sees_ HAT.) Oh! excuse me, Mrs. Rodney. I wasn’t aware that you had company. SUSAN (_introducing them_). Mrs. Wheatchaff, this is our new boarder, Miss Renwick, of New York. LUC. How do you do, Miss Renwick? We country folks are always glad to meet city folks. HAT. (_graciously_). It gives me great pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mrs. Wheatchaff. (_They shake hands, the widow very demonstrative._) HEL. Lucinda, I was just telling Miss Renwick about Hick. She wanted to know if there were any nice young men around here. LUC. Oh, she wanted to know that, eh? (_Sizes up_ HAT. _critically, and then gives a sniff_.) Well, I hardly think Hick Homespun would suit her. Hick has got an awful objection to paint and powder, too. He wouldn’t be apt to take to Miss Renwick. HAT. (_with sweet sarcasm_). Indeed! Mrs. Wheatchaff, you are very blunt in your way of speaking, I see. But if the gentleman referred to objects to paint and powder, how do you ever expect to win him? LUC. (_holding up her hands in surprise_). Me? As if I wanted another man! I’ve had one, and I am sure that is enough. (_Picks up her parasol and walks about indignantly._) But say! (_Pauses before_ HAT. _and shakes parasol at her_.) If you think you can get Hick Homespun to take any notice of you, go ahead. I’m sure it is nothing to me. But I don’t believe—— (_Loud noise outside, and_ HIRAM _enters in great excitement_.) HIRAM. Susan, get the gun—quick! There’s a big chicken-hawk after the old dominick hen an’ her chickens. Hurry, Susan! (_Exit_ SUSAN _hurriedly at_ R. HEL. _grabs a feather duster_, HAT. _seizes broom which_ SUSAN _has left in a corner of the room, and_ LUC. _waves her parasol_. SUSAN _enters_ R. _with gun. Then_ HIRAM _grabs the gun and all rush out excitedly. Report of gun is heard._) QUICK CURTAIN ACT II SCENE.—_Lawn of the “High Up Farmhouse.” Day later. A few chairs and benches scattered about. Churn near side of house. Sign: “Cow for sale” on tree._ _Enter_ PERCY HEARTACHE, L. PERCY (_perplexed_). Well, this is a great state of affairs. I don’t know how I am to get out of the mess I am in. Who would ever have dreamed of such a thing as that girl I corresponded with through the foolish matrimonial advertisement would be here? Why, I never saw her, and I only answered her letters for fun. The idea of her going so far as to come here to board! It is ridiculous. But to make matters worse (_shaking his head sadly_) Helen sends me an invitation to come over this afternoon and get acquainted with her parents. The two letters arrived at the same time, and both bear the same initials. (_Takes letters from pocket and again shakes his head._) Well (_bracing up_), I made up my mind to come here and make a clean breast of it to Helen, and I came an hour earlier, so I might learn my fate as soon as possible. I wish I could see her without going to the house. Ah! here she comes now, as I live! _Enter_ HEL., R. _Hurries to the churn and starts churning._ HEL. Oh, dear! I wish the butter would come. (_Churns vigorously._) I won’t have time to dress before Percy gets here. The dear fellow. I know he will surely come. (PERCY _brightens up and steps softly toward her_. HEL. _has her back to him and has not seen him_.) PERCY. Ahem! HEL. (_stops churning and turns_). Oh! is it you, Mr. Heartache? PERCY. Yes, Miss Rodney. I came over a little early, because I have something to say to you. It is of a rather serious nature, and has been worrying me ever since I went to the post-office last night. (_Walks to_ L.) HEL. (_aside_). Gracious! It can’t be that he is going to propose. (_Walks toward_ PERCY.) What is it, Mr. Heartache? Perhaps I might be able to advise you. PERCY (_brightening up_). I am sure you can, Helen—I mean Miss Rodney. I surely am in a bad fix. But sit down here and I’ll tell you all about it. (_They sit upon bench near_ C.) HEL. Go on and tell me. I am sure your troubles cannot be very great. PERCY. Wait until you have heard. Helen—excuse me for calling you Helen—— HEL. Certainly. To be even with you, I shall call you Percy. PERCY. I like that. But let me tell my story. Perhaps after you have heard it you won’t want to ever see me again. HEL. Is it so serious as all that? PERCY. It surely is. Helen, a month or so ago I was foolish enough to answer an advertisement in a matrimonial paper. I did it just for the fun of the thing, you know. HEL. I did the same thing once. A bachelor, whose chief drawing points were that he was bald-headed and had a fortune, advertised that he wished to correspond with a charming country girl who was matrimonially inclined, and I wrote to him. PERCY. Ah! is that so? HEL. Yes; but there was no harm in it, was there? PERCY. Certainly not. How many letters did you write to him? HEL. Only one. I did not answer the one I received in reply, for it seemed as though he meant business, and what did I want of an old bald-headed man, even if he was rich? PERCY. Of course you didn’t want him. But to be real serious, Helen. The fix I am in at present is all through answering an advertisement in a matrimonial paper. I wrote to the young lady twice, and it seems that she took it altogether too seriously. The fact is, Helen, that she is here, and she has invited me to call at your father’s house this afternoon. HEL. (_rising excitedly_). What do you mean? PERCY. Just what I say. Haven’t you a young lady stopping here? HEL. Why—er—yes. But—— PERCY. Isn’t her name Hattie Renwick? HEL. (_completely amazed_). Yes, that is her name. PERCY. Read this note and you will understand it all. (_Hands her_ HATTIE’S _note_.) I hope you will forgive me, Helen. I will never do such a foolish thing again as long as I live. HEL. (_reading note aloud_). Well, I declare! If this isn’t a remarkable coincidence. Why, she must have sent this to the post-office with Bill when I sent mine yesterday. PERCY. I received the two invitations at the same time. Imagine my surprise, and my feelings, too, when I read them. HEL. Well, I am not a bit jealous of her, Percy. I consider this a great joke, indeed I do. PERCY. Oh, do you? You are not angry, then? HEL. Angry? No. But say, Percy, if you could only get some one to come here and represent himself to be Percy Heartache, what a joke it would be! Miss Renwick is an old maid, and the way she paints her face is disgusting. Imagine her wanting to marry a handsome young artist! Why, she is artist enough herself. (_Laughs lightly, and_ PERCY, _much relieved, joins in_.) PERCY. I wish I knew how to get out of this. Your suggestion is a good one, but who could I get to represent himself to be me? I suppose I might go back to the village and find some one, though. HEL. (_eagerly_). Do it, Percy. You can find somebody who would do it just for the fun of it. I will tell mother about it. Here she comes now. _Enter_ SUSAN, R. SUSAN. Why, Helen, have you given up the churning? Oh! you have a visitor, I see. (_Smiles and approaches._) HEL. Yes, mother, let me introduce you to Mr. Heartache. He is the young man I spoke to you about—the artist, you know. SUSAN. So he is the painter, eh? How do you do, Mr. Heartache? PERCY. Quite well, thank you. (_Bows, and then_ SUSAN _extends hand_. PERCY _accepts it and they shake cordially_.) You have a beautiful place here, Mrs. Rodney. High Up Farm is well named. The land is very high and level here and the pure air is simply delightful. The scenery is grand, too, and I mean to make some sketches of it, if I receive permission to do so. SUSAN. You mean to paint pictures of the trees and such. PERCY. Yes, that is it. HEL. Mother, what do you think Hattie Renwick came to board with us for? SUSAN (_surprised_). Why, I don’t know, unless it was to get away from the city for a while and enjoy herself in the fresh country air. What do you mean, Helen? HEL. Well, I’ll tell you, mother. She came here so she could get acquainted with Mr. Heartache. It seems that he answered a matrimonial advertisement she inserted in some paper, and when she answered him he wrote again, giving his address at the village. She discovered that our farm was right near the village, so she came here. Percy—I mean Mr. Heartache—never saw Miss Renwick, and he cares nothing for her, whatever. She had the audacity to—— SUSAN. Why, Helen, what do you mean? HEL. Listen, mother. Let me finish. She had the audacity to send Mr. Heartache a note, inviting him here to-day. I invited him, too, as you are aware. Now, he does not want to let the brazen old maid know who he is, and we were just talking and trying to think of some way to play a joke on her. SUSAN. Well, if that is why she came to High Up Farm I think she ought to have a joke played on her. I have a notion to go right now and tell her what I think of her. HEL. Don’t do it, mother. She is getting along in years, and she no doubt wants to get a husband so badly that she can be excused. What we want you to do is to help us in this. It will only be a little harmless fun, and Percy will be spared the scene that would surely follow if she met him, thinking he had come here for the purpose of meeting her. Percy is going to the village and will try to get some one to impersonate him. Of course it will not be a good-looking young man he will get, either, and there is where the fun will come in. Now, mother, do help us out, won’t you? SUSAN (_shaking her head, as though in doubt_). I don’t like this kind of business, Helen. But since Mr. Heartache seems to be such a nice young man, an’ he is a painter, besides, I’ll do as you want me to. The idea of Miss Renwick comin’ here for the purpose of tryin’ to catch a husband! HEL. Oh, mother, I am so glad. Now, then, if a man comes here and is introduced as Mr. Percy Heartache, you will know what to do. SUSAN. Yes; I’ll call Miss Renwick right away. _Enter_ TROTWELL ROAMER, L. ROAM. Is this the High Up Farm? SUSAN. Yes; what do you want? ROAM. (_setting down paint pots and brushes_). I’m the painter. SUSAN (_looking at_ PERCY). The painter? ROAM. Yes, my boss sent me over here to paint a boat for Mr. Rodney. SUSAN } } (_in unison_). Oh! HEL. } PERCY (_smiling at the two_). I think this man might fill the bill. Shall I ask him? HEL. (_eagerly_). Yes, ask him, Percy. I am sure he would be just the one. He is a painter, too. Think of it! (_Laughs._) ROAM. Well, maybe I am an artist, then. Does that sound any better? HEL. Much better, sir. You’ll surely do. ROAM. Oh! I’ll paint the boat, all right. Where is she? HEL. In the house. But you don’t want to see her yet. Wait until you understand what we want you to do. (SUSAN _goes to churn and begins churning_.) ROAM. (_looking at_ PERCY). What’s all this, anyhow? You ain’t tryin’ to jolly me, are you? PERCY. Not a bit, my friend. See here! Do you want to earn five dollars? ROAM. Do I? Don’t I look as though I did? Why, I’ve been trampin’ for three weeks without findin’ a job. I hit the village over here last night an’ happened to land with Styles, the boss painter. This morning he found out that I was all right, so he sent me over here to paint a boat. But I didn’t think the boat was in the house. (_Looks at_ HEL.) HEL. The boat isn’t in the house. Percy, go on and tell him. PERCY. Mr. What’s-Your-Name—— ROAM. Trotwell Roamer is my name, boss. PERCY. Well, Mr. Trotwell Roamer, there is a young lady in the house who is expecting a call from a young man she has never seen. She is looking for a husband, and she will no doubt be dead struck on you, if you take the part. ROAM. (_looking at his overalls and ragged coat and laughing_). Well, I don’t know why she wouldn’t be, boss. But go ahead with your game. Let me see the color of that five-spot first. Then I’ll feel more like listenin’ to you. PERCY (_producing a five-dollar bill_). There you are. Now, then, is it a go? ROAM. You bet it is. But say! there ain’t no danger of a breach of promise suit in this, is there? PERCY (_laughing_). I hardly think so. Now, to be brief about it, all you have got to do is to say that you are Percy Heartache, the artist. You can say it to any one you meet, for that matter. But the young lady—Hattie Renwick is her name—is the party the joke is to be on. She has been corresponding with you, you know, and has thrown out her net to catch you for a husband. Do you understand? ROAM. (_shaking his head_). Putty well, boss. I’m Percy Heartache, the artist, an’ she’s tryin’ to nail me for a husband. Yes, that’s all right. PERCY. Well, take this note, then. It will help you out, I think. (_Hands him_ HAT.’S _note_. ROAM. _reads it and nods approvingly_.) ROAM. I guess I can fill the bill, boss. Leave it to me. I’ll bet that young lady won’t want no artist for a husband after she’s talked to me a while. I’ll settle her matrimonial aspirations, all right. Give me that five-spot, an’ the thing will be done in fine shape. PERCY (_handing him the five-dollar bill_). I am sure you’ll do it right, Mr. Roamer. ROAM. (_strutting about_). Mr. Percy Heartache, please. There’s my name, sir! (_Holds out envelope that is addressed to_ PERCY.) I’m Percy Heartache, the artist, an’ here’s my paints an’ brushes. Artist, eh? Well, I guess! SUSAN (_ceasing her churning_). Come, Helen, help me take the churn in the kitchen. HEL. All right, mother. (_Smiles at_ PERCY _and exits_ R., _with her mother, carrying churn_.) PERCY. Now, my friend, I’ll take a stroll around and leave you here. The chances are that the young lady will soon appear. If she does not, go and knock at the door and inquire for her. I will be near at hand to see and hear the fun. If you carry it through right I’ll give you another five. ROAM. Gee! You bet I’ll do it right, boss. Another five, eh? Why, I certainly am in luck. [_Exit_ PERCY, C. _Enter_ BILL, _carrying empty pail and blowing on harmonica_. _Bill_. Hello! You’re ther man what’s come over to paint the boat, ain’t yer? (_Looks at paint cans._) ROAM. (_haughtily_). I am Percy Heartache, the artist. BILL (_laughing loudly and wiping harmonica on sleeve and putting in pocket_). You ain’t ther painter, then? ROAM. No, I am the artist. Can you tell me where I can find Miss Hattie Renwick? BILL (_ignoring the question and pointing to paint cans_). Who does ther paint an’ brushes belong to? ROAM. The painter, I suppose. He was here a little while ago. But see here, you thick-head! Where is the young lady who wrote this letter to me? BILL. Which one? There is two of ’em. So you’re ther artist, eh? Well, I took two letters to ther post-office that was addressed to Percy Heartache. I know I did, ’cause I kin read, an’ I read ’em over a dozen times. One was from Helen an’ ther other was from Daisy. ROAM. Who is Daisy? BILL. Hattie Renwick is her right name. But I call her Daisy—or Peach, ’cause she don’t like Daisy so well. I tell yer, Mr. Artist! she’s a daisy an’ a peach, too. But I didn’t think no sech scarecrow as you was the one she wrote to. ROAM. (_angrily_). What do you mean by calling me a scarecrow? Just because I have my working clothes on have I got to be insulted? BILL (_stepping back in a frightened way_). Never mind, Mr. Artist. Don’t hit me. I didn’t mean nothin’. If you want me to call Miss Renwick I’ll do it for you. ROAM. All right. Do so. But don’t let any one else in the house know that the artist is here. You fetch Miss Renwick out, an’ when I get some change I’ll give you a quarter. (_Shows_ BILL _the five-dollar bill Percy gave him_.) BILL (_starting for house_). My! He’s got money, all right. But blamed if I kin understand what Helen an’ Daisy wrote letters to him for. Why, he looks like a regular tramp. ROAM. (_menacingly_). What’s that? BILL. Nothin’, Mr. Artist. I’ll have the peach out here in a jiffy. (_Exit_ BILL, R. ROAM. _sits on bench, crosses legs and removes hat. Brushes hair with his hand._) ROAM. Well, this is funny business, an’ no mistake. What am I up against, anyhow? But it’s all right. I’ve got one five-spot, an’ there is another one comin’, if I do ther job right. You bet I’m ther one who kin do it, too. I ought to be an actor, instead of a tramp painter. (_Starts._) Hello! here comes the girl, I suppose. That thick-headed boy has found her, all right. Now to paralyze her. (_Enter_ BILL _and_ HAT., R. ROAM. _rises and bows_.) How are you, sweetness? HAT. (_in dismay_). Who are you, sir? ROAM. Percy Heartache, the artist, at your service, my own love. BILL (_laughing uproariously_). That’s who he is, Peach. Ain’t he a reg’lar dude? HAT. (_clasping her hands_). Well, I never! BILL. Neither did I, Peach. But here he is. You sent for him, he says, so it ain’t none of my business. (_To_ ROAM., _sotto voce_.) Don’t forgit that quarter when you git that bill changed. ROAM. (_striking an attitude_). Avaunt! Quit my sight, thou silly buffoon! Leave me alone in the presence of my adored one. [_Exit_ BILL, L. HAT. Oh, oh, oh! ROAM. (_dropping on knees before her_). Fear not, fair one. You surely have not forgotten the words of love and devotion that have passed between us in correspondence. Listen! I am not what I am! Once I have cast aside my working clothes and appear in the costly raiment that fits so well my youthful form you would not know me. I am in disguise, my darling Hattie! Oh! come to my arms, my loved one! Who would have dreamed that such bliss could exist upon this mundane sphere? (_Rises._) HAT. (_stepping back and facing audience_). Can it be that he has donned this disguise simply to try me? It must be. I will listen to him, for he speaks as no other man has ever done to me. (_To_ ROAM.) My dear Mr. Heartache, though I am somewhat surprised to meet you in such attire, I will frankly say that I like your manner of speech. You have undoubtedly disguised yourself as a common laborer or tramp for the purpose of learning the true depths of my affection for you. It is all right, Percy. Proceed with your lovely words of conversation. I can see that you would really be a handsome young man if you donned your proper attire and—and—treated yourself to a bath. ROAM. (_aside_). Great Scott! This business ain’t working the way I thought it would. The first thing I know I’ll be in a breach of promise suit, sure. But maybe that would be a better suit than the one I am now wearing, so I’ll see it through if I bust! _Enter_ LUC., _at_ L. _Sees_ HAT. _and_ ROAM., _and steps back to watch and listen_. BILL _appears at_ C., _and does the same_. HAT. (_smiling_). Sit down on the bench, Mr. Heartache. LUC. (_aside_). Mr. Heartache! Why, that must be the artist Helen is infatuated with. Well, what is the girl thinking about? Why, that fellow is nothing but a tramp. They say listeners never hear any good of themselves, but I am going to hear this through, or know the reason why. ROAM. (_sitting down_). Well, what do you want me to do now? HAT. Talk like you did a little while ago. (_Sits down beside him._) ROAM. An’ call you darlin’, an’ all that? HAT. Yes, please. BILL (_hardly able to restrain himself, going through all sorts of motions_). If this ain’t a circus there never was one. ROAM. Well, darlin’, how have yer been since I saw you last? HAT. Since you saw me last? Why, you never saw me before. ROAM. I mean how have you been since you heard from me last? HAT. Oh, fine. ROAM. So have I. I am sorry I put on my working clothes, for I would like to give you a good hug. (_Stretches out his arms as though to embrace her, but she gets up and out of his way._) HAT. No such liberties yet, Percy. ROAM. Well, if I go back an’ put on my good clothes will it be all right? HAT. It might. But don’t go yet. ROAM. (_looking at audience despairingly_). All right, my love. HAT. There! That sounds real nice. ROAM. What does? HAT. What you just said. ROAM. Does it, darling? HAT. Oh, my! I really wish you had not worn your working clothes, Percy. ROAM. (_looking at his overalls and shaking his head_). Well, what was I going to do? I can take these off, though. (_Jumps up and hurriedly takes off overalls and tosses them alongside the paint cans near_ C. HAT. _backs half-way to_ R. _during the operation, holding up her hands_. LUC. _seems almost on the verge of fainting, while_ BILL _stuffs a handkerchief in his mouth to keep from exploding_.) HAT. Oh! you look much better already, Percy. ROAM. Yes; I borrowed these trousers of my boss—I mean I loaned a good pair of trousers to a man I have working for me. HAT. Oh! I see. ROAM. I’m a reg’lar dude when I’m fixed up, dear. Shall I give you a good hug now? HAT. Not yet, please. But say! you must paint lovely pictures. ROAM. I do, dearest. HAT. I should like to have you paint me some time. ROAM. I’ll be pleased to. Who did the job for you to-day? HAT. (_sharply_). What is that, sir? ROAM. A bum artist did the job, I’m sure. Too much vermilion. HAT. What are you talking about? ROAM. I was thinking of a picture a rival of mine painted. I must have expressed my thoughts aloud. HAT. Oh! is that it? ROAM. Yes, dearest. Now, if you’ll only name the happy day I’ll hurry back to my hotel and get togged out a little. I can be back in an hour. (_Rises._) Shall I leave word at the preacher’s and tell him we’ll soon be there? HAT. What are you talking about? ROAM. Getting married. I’m ready right now. HAT. I shall have to know more about you before I think of taking such a serious step as that. ROAM. Didn’t you advertise for a husband? HAT. Well, I—er—suppose I did. ROAM. (_striking an attitude_). Well, here he is. If you want me for better or worse, just say the word. I’ll surely die, though, if you say no. (_Edges toward_ C., _to take a hasty departure_.) HAT. (_divining his intention_). Hold on, Percy Heartache! You cannot trifle with me this way. If you think you are having a joke with me, I tell you plainly that you have gone too far. You have proposed to me, and I shall hold you to it. My answer to your proposal is that I must have a short time to think. ROAM. (_starting toward overalls and paint cans_). I guess I had better get away from here. HAT. (_springing forward and catching with both hands_). You proposed to me, and you shall not go until I have given my answer. ROAM. Let go, girl. This is only a joke. LUC. (_rushing toward him, brandishing parasol_). Joke, eh? Well, I will appear as a witness against you. You are a rascal to trifle with a poor girl like that. I heard all your conversation, sir. BILL (_appearing_). Me, too! Don’t marry that man, Peach. He ain’t nothin’ more than a tramp. (ROAM. _succeeds in freeing himself, and runs off_ C., _leaving paint cans and overalls behind_. LUC. _and_ BILL _run after them_.) QUICK CURTAIN ACT III SCENE.—_Lawn of the “High Up Farm.” Same as Act II, save that the table is spread for “Tea.”_ _Enter_ PERCY. _Looks about searchingly._ PERCY. I am too late, I see. I guess, by the shouting, and the loud talk I heard, something must have happened. They must have chased the tramp. Well, I wonder how Miss Renwick liked the artist she was so anxious to meet? I hope she won’t show up while I am here. If she does it might be a little awkward. But I have it! I’ll let Helen introduce me as Mr. Roamer, if she does come. I have as much right to take the tramp’s name as he had to take mine. That will be all right. I’ll speak to Helen about it right away. (_Looks at paint cans and overalls._) I may as well put these things out of sight. Perhaps Trotwell Roamer will come back and get them later. (_Picks up paint cans and overalls and starts to_ C.) _Enter_ HIRAM _and_ HICKORY HOMESPUN, L. HIRAM. Well, Hick, if you make up your mind to take that cow you can have her for forty dollars. She’s dirt cheap at that, an’ I wouldn’t think of selling her if——Hello! (_Sees_ PERCY _standing near_ C., _with paint cans and overalls in his hands_.) So you’ve got here, have you? PERCY. Why—er—yes. You are Mr. Rodney, Helen’s father, are you not? HIRAM. That’s right. Have you seen her yet? (_Means the boat that is to be painted._) PERCY. Yes, sir, I have seen her. HIRAM (_thinking_ PERCY _is surely the painter sent over by Jim Styles to paint the boat_). Well, what do you think of her? Are you going to start in to-day? It seems a little late. But maybe you’ve just brought over your paint, so you can start in the first thing in the morning. PERCY (_looking at what he has in his hands, and very much confused_). Why, I—er—— HIRAM. That’s all right. To-morrer mornin’ will do. I guess she can wait till that time. But say, young feller, you must go easy when you tip her over, ’cause her stays might break. They’re pretty old, and I don’t want to put no more expense on her than I kin help. PERCY (_aside_). Heavens! What is the man driving at? He must be crazy! To speak of his own daughter in this way! What does it mean? (_Backs toward_ R., _still holding cans and overalls_.) HIRAM. Where are you goin’? Come on over to the lake, and we’ll look her over together. (_Turns to_ HICK.) You come, too, Hick. HICK. Certain I will, Hiram. PERCY (_much confused_). I—er—think there must be some mistake. HIRAM. Mistake, eh? Well, I guess not. You was sent for, wasn’t you? PERCY. Yes, but—— HIRAM. Maybe you don’t like the looks of her. PERCY. Oh, yes, I do, Mr. Rodney. She is the nicest—— HICK. (_laughing heartily_). He ain’t much of a judge, is he, Hiram? HIRAM. Well, I don’t know. He looks as though he ought to know a good model from a bad one. But say. (_Nods to Percy._) If you feel like it, and think it ain’t too late, you might start in to scrapin’ the paint off her sides right now. You’ll find she’s pretty well roughed up; but you can fix that all right. You’ll have to go a bit careful when you come to the waist. She’s been layin’ on one side so long that I s’pose the sun has done some damage. Most likely she’s blistered a little. PERCY. Blistered! HICK. Blistered, of course. There ain’t nothing strange about that, is there? HIRAM. Jim Styles told you it was to be white outside and yaller inside, didn’t he? PERCY (_stepping back and turning to audience_). Ah! Now I know there is a mistake. He does not refer to his daughter at all. (_To_ HIRAM.) Pardon me, Mr. Rodney, but to whom or what are you referring? HIRAM (_turning to_ HICK. _and showing surprise_). Well, what do you think of that, Hick? HICK. Must be a born fool. HIRAM. He don’t know what he was sent over here for, it seems. HICK. Seems not. (_Nods head gravely._) He don’t look like a painter, anyhow, Hiram. HIRAM. But he’s got everything with him to do the job. PERCY. I did not come here to do any work. These things (_setting them down near_ C.) belong to another party. I just picked them up to set them aside as you came here. I am not a painter, but an artist. HICK. Well, I swan! HIRAM (_showing surprise_). So you didn’t come here to paint our boat, then? PERCY (_much relieved_). I certainly did not, sir. HIRAM. What did you come here for? PERCY. I came at the invitation of your daughter Helen. HIRAM. Jumpin’ bullfrogs! What do you think of that, Hick? HICK. Sort of a misunderstandin’, it seems. (_He laughs._) He thought you was speakin’ of Helen, and you was meanin’ the old boat all the time. (_Laughs uproariously._) Oh, dear! What a joke. PERCY. Well, I am very sorry that such a mistake should be made. But I can easily understand now. It is rather unfortunate, but no harm has been done. HIRAM. Not as I knows of, young fellow. So Helen invited you to come over, did she? PERCY. Yes, she did. HIRAM. Well, I reckon I had better call her out, then. (_Calls to_ R.) Helen! Helen! HEL. (_unseen by audience_). What is it, father? HIRAM. You’re wanted here right away. _Enter_ HEL., R. PERCY _hurries to meet her_. PERCY (_sotto voce_). Introduce me as Mr. Roamer. The Peach might come back and spoil things, you know. HEL. (_sotto voce_). All right, Percy, I understand. (_Then to_ HIRAM.) Well, father? HIRAM. This young man came over to see you, he says. HEL. Yes, I know. Let me introduce you to him, father. (_Turns to_ PERCY.) Mr. Roamer, this is my father. (PERCY _and_ HIRAM _shake hands_. HEL. _to_ HICK.) Mr. Homespun, let me make you acquainted with Mr. Roamer, the painter—(_becoming confused_) or artist, which? (_Looks at_ PERCY.) PERCY (_laughingly_). Which, I guess. (_Shakes with_ HICK.) HICK. What do you think, Helen? Your father was talkin’ about havin’ his boat scraped an’ painted, an’ this young man thought he was meanin’ you all the time. Funny mistake, wasn’t it? (_Laughs heartily._) HEL. I should say it was a funny mistake, Hick. How did it happen, father? HIRAM. Well, I was expectin’ a painter to come over to paint the boat white outside and yaller inside, an’ when I seen this young man standin’ here with them things (_pointing to cans and overalls_) in his hands, I thought he was the man. I didn’t know he had come over on an invite from you. But (_looking at the table_) what’s goin’ on, anyhow? What have you got the table set outside for? HEL. Oh! we are going to have a little party. Mother thought it would be a good idea to have some company over, so the new boarder wouldn’t be lonesome. (_Turns to_ HICK.) The widow is here, too, Hick. HICK. (_looking around in a startled way_). Where is she, Helen? HEL. (_laughing_). Around somewhere. We are going to have a very nice time, I am sure. HICK. (_edging toward_ C.). I’m goin’ home. HIRAM (_catching him by the arm_). No, you don’t, Hick! You ain’t afraid of the widder any more than I am. You are goin’ to stay right here an’ have tea with us. Besides, I want to sell you that cow before you go home. HICK. Well, I’ll take her, Hiram. HEL. (_laughing_). The widow, Hick? HICK. (_excitedly_). No! The cow, I mean. I’ll be over after her in the mornin’. (_Tries to go again, but is restrained by_ HIRAM.) HIRAM. Now, see here, Hick Homespun. The trouble with you is that you’re a lot too bashful. You know well enough that you ought to have somebody around that nice little home of yours to cook your meals an’ fetch your slippers for you nights when you come in after doin’ a hard day’s work. There’s the Widder Wheatchaff for you, Hick! She’s a fine little woman, an’ I happen to know that she thinks a powerful lot of you, too. HICK. (_becoming interested_). How do you know that? HIRAM. Well, I reckon I’ve got eyes an’ ears. (_Slaps_ HICK, _on the back_.) Come! brace up, old feller. You wasn’t born to die an old bachelor. (PERCY _and_ HEL. _are conversing in whispers and getting along nicely_.) HICK. (_meditating for a moment_). Well, I’ll take her. I’ll be over after her in the mornin’. HIRAM. Good enough! I’ll tell her just as soon as she comes out. HICK. (_protestingly_). No, no! I mean the cow. HEL. Tell the cow, then, father. (_All laugh but_ HICK.) _Enter_ BILL, C., _mopping face with bandana_. BILL. Whew! If that wasn’t a run! I never had so much fun in my life! Can’t that city gal run, though! Why, she went through the corn-field like a two-year-old heifer on the rampage! That artist wasn’t no match for her at all. But he might have got away if he hadn’t stumbled an’ hit his head agin a pile of fence rails. She’s got him! Lucinda is helpin’ her bring him back. There’s goin’ to be a breach of promise suit. Wow! (_Does a tumbling act, or anything comical or ridiculous, laughing uproariously._) HIRAM (_surprised and angered_). What in thunderation is the matter with the boy? HICK. Acts as though he’s been took with a fit. HEL. (_taking_ HIRAM _by the sleeve_). I think I know what is the matter, father. It seems that our boarder made an appointment with some man she had never seen in her life, though she had corresponded with him, of course. He proposed to her, and when he found she was willing to consider it he changed his mind and tried to get away. She gave pursuit, and Bill and Lucinda, who happened to be here, helped her catch him. Miss Renwick is anxious to marry some one, and after corresponding with the man she set her cap for him before she had even seen him. Mother and I came out on the porch in time to hear the last of it. Don’t interfere, father. Let them bring the man here. I am sure you will laugh when you understand what a joke it is. HIRAM (_looking at_ HICK.). Well, I swan! HICK. So do I, Hiram. BILL (_getting upon his feet_). Me, too! PERCY (_whispering in_ HIRAM’S _ear_). You understand, Mr. Rodney. HIRAM. Well, I’ll be gum-swizzled! If that don’t beat all. HICK. (_looking toward_ C.). Here they come now. (_Edges away._) I guess I’ll be goin’. I’ll be over after her in the mornin’, Hiram. HIRAM (_catching him_). No, you won’t, Hick. You kin take her home to-night. HICK. You’ll have to lend me a rope, then. HIRAM (_laughing_). Oh, you won’t need no rope—not for the widder. BILL. Might need one to hang himself with after he gits her. (_Laughs boisterously and executes funny business._) PERCY (_to_ HEL.). A sort of roping-in game, I think. HEL. It surely is. _Enter_ SUSAN, R. _Excited voices outside at_ C. SUSAN. What’s going on here? What does all this excitement mean, anyhow? HEL. (_running to_ SUSAN). Mother, the joke is not over with yet. It seems that Miss Renwick took it seriously, and she has caught the tramp. She is fetching him here, and Lucinda is helping her. Bill says it is a case of a breach of promise suit. SUSAN. Well, I never! That girl must be a fool. HEL. She wants a man, mother. SUSAN (_shaking her head_). Well, she must want one pretty bad, then. HEL. Now remember, mother, Percy is supposed to be Mr. Roamer. SUSAN. And the tramp is supposed to be Mr. Heartache? HEL. Of course. He introduced himself that way, so it will remain so until Miss Renwick gets enough of it. (HIRAM _and_ BILL _are holding_ HICK. _so he cannot escape_. PERCY _looks on smilingly. Loud voices outside_, ROAM. _calling out excitedly: “Stop! Stop! I want to get away from here!”_) PERCY (_running to_ C.). What does this mean? _Enter_ HAT. _and_ LUC., C., _dragging_ ROAM. _with them_. LUC. The base deceiver! HAT. (_letting go of_ ROAM. _and wringing her hands excitedly_). Oh! Oh! HIRAM. That must be the man Styles sent over to paint the boat. ROAM. (_eagerly_). I’m the man, boss. Just get me away from these women and I’ll go right to work. LUC. (_letting go her hold upon_ ROAM., _and looking surprised_). But he proposed to Miss Renwick, Hiram. ROAM. That was a joke. (_Looks at_ PERCY, _who shakes finger warningly_.) I found a letter she had written to some one, and I made out I was the man. I’m only a common tramp painter. She don’t want me for a husband, unless she feels like earning the livin’. HAT. (_throwing up her hands and staggering about as though she is going to fall_). Oh! I shall faint—I know I will. Somebody catch me—quick! HICK. (_starting forward to catch her_). Don’t fall, miss. LUC. (_grabbing_ HICK. _by the collar and pulling him back_). Let her fall, if she wants to. The first thing you know she will be trying to make you propose to her. HICK. (_meekly_). All right, Lucinda. HAT. (_making another stagger about_). Oh! Oh! I know I shall faint. (_She falls and_ BILL _catches her and carries her to a bench_.) BILL (_soothingly_). That’s all right, Peach. I’ll marry you when I git big enough. You don’t want no lazy tramp for a husband. HAT. (_rousing up and becoming indignant_). The idea! Who said I wanted to marry any one? Why, I wouldn’t marry the best man living! LUC. (_to_ HICK., _whom she is still holding_). Good reason, maybe. She couldn’t get you, Hick, and I think you are the best man living. HICK. (_grinning_). Do you mean that, Lucinda? LUC. I always say what I mean, Hick Homespun. HICK. Let’s go look at that cow. [_Exeunt_ HICK. _and_ LUC., L. BILL (_roaring with laughter_). She’s got him. Hick is a goner! HAT. (_to_ SUSAN). Mrs. Rodney, I think I will go to my room. SUSAN (_persuasively_). Don’t do that, Miss Renwick. If there has been a joke played, take it good-naturedly. HAT. How can I? (_Looks around despairingly._) HEL. Let me introduce you to Mr. Roamer, Miss Renwick. HAT. (_bowing stiffly_). Pleased to meet him. BILL (_coming to_ SUSAN). Is supper ready yet, Missus Rodney? SUSAN. Not yet, Bill. BILL. S’pose we have a little dance, then? (_Produces harmonica and clappers._) Take your partners for a quadrille, and look out for paint! (_Strikes up a lively air—or if he cannot play, the orchestra does it for him._) _Enter_ HICK. _and_ LUC., L. _Both are smiling and look happy._ HIRAM (_seizing_ SUSAN). Come on, old gal! We’ll have a little square set right here on the lawn. (_They take heads for the set._ PERCY _and_ HEL. _take positions opposite them, and then_ LUC. _pulls_ HICK. _over and they take one of the sides._) ROAM. (_as_ PERCY _points to_ HAT.). I suppose we may as well make up the set, Miss Renwick. (HAT. _permits herself to be led by him to the opposite side. Then_ BILL _lets himself go and the dance begins_.) BILL. Salute your partners. (BILL _calls more figures and then_ ROAM. _breaks away suddenly and runs off_ C. LUC. _holds tightly to_ HICK. BILL _backs against table and overturns it. Crash!_) CURTAIN By the Author of “Mr. Bob” THE NEW CRUSADE A Comedy in Two Acts _By Rachel Baker Gale_ Twelve females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors. Plays one hour and thirty minutes. A very amusing satire of the servant girl question, brimful of telling incidents and effective lines. All the parts are good and of nearly equal opportunity, and practically play themselves. Well rehearsed, it is a sure success and goes with a scream. Irish, negro and Swede character parts and a “tough” girl. Strongly recommended for ladies’ clubs. Can be played only on payment of a royalty of $5.00 to the author. _Price, 25 cents_ CHARACTERS MISS MORRIS, _nothing if not businesslike_. MRS. COGSWELL-BROWN, _who believes in coöperative housekeeping_. MRS. POTTER-HEWITT, _who looks small, but is not_. MRS. RAYMOND, _who advocates_ “_The New Crusade_.” MRS. ARCHIBALD TRACEY, _in search of a maid and experience_. BRIDGETT MAHONEY, _in search of_ “_an ould gintleman_.” MARY MACGUIRE, _who likes_ “_the theyatre in the winter toime_.” AUGUSTA OLSEN, _who comes from_ “_Sveden for big monay_.” CASSIE CLAY, _who never_ “_takes suggestions from anybody_.” JENNIE BURCH, _who never_ “_has time for afternoon tea_.” MATILDA JOHNSON, _who likes_ “_slaughtermobiles and a choffer_.” MERRY, _the settlement girl—who’s always_ “_on de level_.” COATS AND PETTICOATS A Comedy in One Act _By Rachel Baker Gale_ One male (played by a woman), seven females, and if desired, sixteen girls for chorus. Costumes, modern; scene, an interior. Plays forty-five minutes. A very lively and amusing piece introducing fancy dresses, music and dancing. All the parts of about equal opportunity. Irish comedy part and two capital “old maids.” Very funny and not difficult. Complete with music for the Suffragettes’ song and march and the Old Maids’ song and march. Very strongly recommended. _Price, 25 cents_ AN EASY MARK A Farce in One Act _By Innis Gardner Osborn_ Five males, two females. Costumes, modern; scene, an easy interior. Plays thirty-five minutes. A side-splitting farce of college life lively enough to suit the most exacting demands. Full of funny incident and telling lines. Burlesque actor and “tough” young man parts; the rest “straight” and all good. Recommended for schools. _Price, 15 cents._ New Plays ELMWOOD FOLKS A Drama in Three Acts _By Charles S. Bird Author of “At the Junction,” etc._ Eight males, four females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors, one exterior. Plays a full evening. An easy and very actable piece with an unusually even cast of characters. Clean, wholesome and entertaining; can be recommended for school performance. _Price, 25 cents_ CHARACTERS DAVID BAINBRIDGE, _editor of the Elmwood_ “_Item_.” JAMES WENTWORTH, _an old compositor_. SQUIRE ALFORD, _a hard man_. DICK ALFORD, _his stepson, a young lawyer_. WHITTIER JONES, _a contributor to the_ “_Item_.” TOMMY GAY, _David’s apprentice_. MR. PINCH, _an officer_. A MESSENGER BOY. MRS. BAINBRIDGE, _David’s wife_. BESSIE BAINBRIDGE, _their daughter_. DRUCILLA JONES, _Whittier’s aunt_. MARY GAY, _Mrs. Bainbridge’s maid_. _Tommy’s sister._ SYNOPSIS ACT I.—Office of the Elmwood _Item_. ACT II.—Lawn beside the Bainbridge home. ACT III.—Parlor in the same. HER UNCLE’S BOOTS A Farce in One Act _By Mrs. Myrtle Barber Carpenter_ Seven females. Costumes, modern; scene, an easy interior. Plays thirty minutes. An easy and effective little play suitable for Girls’ Schools or young people in amateur theatricals. Very funny, but with a sympathetic thread of interest. Clean and bright. Recommended. _Price, 15 cents_ AN OUTSIDER A College Play for Girls in One Act _By Wilhemen Wilkes_ Seven females. Costumes, modern; scenery, an interior. Plays thirty-five minutes. An unusually strong and sympathetic little play for its length and pretensions, strongly recommended to schools. The story turns upon a basket-ball match and is full of interest. _Price, 15 cents_ THE SISTERHOOD OF BRIDGET A Farce in Three Acts _By Robert Elwin Ford_ Seven males, six females. Costumes modern; scenery, easy interiors. Plays two hours. An easy, effective and very humorous piece turning upon the always interesting servant-girl question. A very unusual number of comedy parts; all the parts good. Easy to get up and well recommended. _Price, 25 cents_ CHARACTERS EDWARD MASON, _a wealthy stockbroker_. LORD CURTON, _in search of a wife with money_. WARD LEIGHTON, _lieutenant of the 176th Regiment_. MIKE MCSHANE, _driver of a milk cart_. JIMMY MACRAE, _page at Mr. Mason’s_. MRS. MASON, _socialist and æsthete_. ELEANOR MASON, _her daughter_. BRIDGET, _the cook_. JOSIE RILEY,} _housemaids_. EMMA HONE, } MARY MACRAE, _Jimmy’s sister_. TIMOTHY ROUKE, _house painter_. WILLIAM, _butler at Mr. Mason’s_. THE ALL-AMERICA ELEVEN _By M. N. Beebe_ Twelve males. Costumes modern; scenery unnecessary. Plays fifteen minutes. An up-to-date and popular entertainment for boys in one scene, sure to please both the boys and the audience. Characters: Football Boy, Baseball Boy, Tennis Boy, Office Boy, Messenger Boy, Country Boy, Chinese Boy, Jewish Boy, Irish Boy, Indian Boy, Negro Boy and Trainer. _Price, 15 cents_ TAKING THE THIRD DEGREE IN THE GRANGE _By A. C. Daniels_ Seventeen males. Costumes eccentric; scenery unnecessary. Plays ten minutes. A burlesque initiation in one act, especially adapted for a Grange entertainment. Very simple, very clean and wholly lacking in horse-play and acrobatics. Well suited for its purpose. _Price, 15 cents_ New Entertainments OUR CHURCH FAIR A Farcical Entertainment in Two Acts _By Jessie A. Kelley_ Twelve females. Costumes modern; scenery unimportant. Plays an hour and a quarter. A humorous picture of the planning of the annual church fair by the ladies of the sewing circle. Full of local hits and general human nature, and a sure laugh-producer in any community. Can be recommended. _Price, 25 cents_ CHARACTERS MRS. ROBERTS, _who wants to be president_. MRS. HENRY, _young, giddy, fond of novels_. MRS. JACKSON, _the president of the society_. MRS. BRETT, _on the dinner committee_. MRS. LEWIS, _the minister’s wife_. MRS. LAWSON, _plump_. MRS. BROWN, _anxious to get new church attendants_. MRS. ADDISON, _very inquisitive_. MRS. RIDGELY, _sensitive_. MRS. OTIS, _on the dinner committee_. MRS. THOMPSON, _decidedly close_. MRS. DREW, _just married_. THE RIVAL CHOIRS An Entertainment in One Scene _By Sherman F. Johnson_ Seven males, four females. Costumes eccentric; scenery unimportant. Plays one hour. A novelty in musical entertainments, introducing the old choir and the new in competition. A novel setting for a concert, offering an interesting contrast between the old music and the new. Lots of incidental fun, character and human nature. Sure to please. Originally produced in Meriden, Conn. _Price, 25 cents_ A THIEF IN THE HOUSE A Comedy in One Act _By R. M. Robinson_ Six males, one playing a female character (colored). Costumes modern scenery, an interior. Plays forty-five minutes. A first-class play for male characters only, of strong dramatic interest with plenty of comedy. A play that can be recommended, in spite of its lack of female characters, to any audience. _Price, 25 cents_ New Plays THE TIME OF HIS LIFE A Comedy in Three Acts _By C. Leona Dalrymple_ Six males, three females. Costumes modern; scenery, two interiors, or can be played in one. Plays two hours and a half. A side-splitting piece, full of action and a sure success if competently acted. Tom Carter’s little joke of impersonating the colored butler has unexpected consequences that give him “the time of his life.” Very highly recommended for High School performance. _Price, 25 cents_ CHARACTERS MR. BOB GREY. MRS. BOB GREY. TOM CARTER, _Mrs. Grey’s brother_. MRS. PETER WYCOMBE, _a_ “_personage_.” MR. PETER WYCOMBE, _a “pessimist” with a digestion_. DOROTHY LANDON, _secretly engaged to Tom Carter_. MR. JAMES LANDON, SR., _Dorothy’s father; of a peppery disposition_. UNCLE TOM, _an old colored butler from the South_. OFFICER HOGAN, _of the Twenty-Second Street Police Station_. EETHER OR EYTHER A Farce in One Act _By Robert C. V. Meyers_ Four males, four females. Costumes modern; scene, an interior. Plays thirty minutes. A clever parlor play, similar in idea to the popular “Obstinate Family.” Sure to please. _Price, 15 cents_ THE MORNING AFTER THE PLAY A Comedy in One Act _By Willis Steell_ Two males, three females. Costumes modern; scene, an interior. Plays twenty minutes. An easy piece of strong dramatic interest, originally produced in Vaudeville by Christy Clifford. Free to amateurs; royalty required for professional performance. _Price, 15 cents_ New Entertainments TAKING THE CENSUS IN BINGVILLE An Entertainment in One Act _By Jessie A. Kelly_ Fourteen males, eight females. Costumes, modern; scenery, unimportant. Plays an hour and a half. One of the always popular go-as-you-please entertainments; just a lot of laughs strung on a very slender wire of story. Full of eccentric character bits and chances for local hits. A sure success for the laughter-loving. Recommended for church societies or intimate communities. _Price, 25 cents_ CHARACTERS CENSUS TAKER. ROSY GRADY, _an Irish maid_. PATRICK MALONE, _a policeman who didn’t want to be examined_. BILL WATT, _not so bright, but still gets ahead of them all_. MR. HARDER, _chauffeur_. MR. KNOTT, _aeronaut_. MR. STONE, _farmer who has rheumatiz_. MRS. JONES, _a much married woman_. MR. SALOON, _a barber who is_ “_Henglish_.” DR. DUNCAN. MRS. TIBBETS, _who tries to be young_. MR. SINGLE, _an editor_. MR. JEPSON, _a grocer-postmaster_. MRS. SAMPSON, _who has a large family_. MR. MORE, _an undertaker_. MRS. MURPHY, _who is proud of her name_. MISS HARTLEY, _a teacher_. MR. SHARP, _a lawyer who is looking for clients_. TONY, _a fruit dealer_. MR. ELWOOD, _a minister_. MRS. STONE, _a farmer’s wife who is afraid she has hookworm_. SUSIE GIBBS, _who is love-sick_. THE DAY OF THE DUCHESS A Farce in One Act _By Alice C. Thompson_ Twelve females. Costumes, modern; scenery, an easy interior. Plays thirty minutes. A clever and amusing little play for all girls, particularly suited for schools because of its number of small parts. Requires only three or four prominent people. Recommended. _Price, 15 cents_ AN IRISH INVASION A Comedy in One Act _By Alice C. Thompson_ Eight females. Costumes, modern; scenery, an easy interior. Plays thirty minutes. A very pretty and touching little play with plenty of fun introducing refined Irish characters, old country and new. A most original and effective idea, and sure to please. Nothing coarse and rough about it; tone high and well suited for schools. _Price, 15 cents_ =TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE= Italic text is denoted by _underscores_. Bold text is denoted by =equal signs=. Obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within the text and consultation of external sources. Some hyphens in words have been silently removed, some added, when a predominant preference was found in the original book. Archaic words have been retained. *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LOOK OUT FOR PAINT: A FARCE COMEDY IN THREE ACTS *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. 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