The Project Gutenberg eBook of It's time something happened This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook. Title: It's time something happened Author: Arthur Doyle Release date: March 22, 2026 [eBook #78266] Language: English Original publication: New York: D. Appleton & Company, 1925 Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/78266 Credits: Tim Lindell, chenzw, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This book was produced from images made available by the HathiTrust Digital Library.) *** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IT'S TIME SOMETHING HAPPENED *** APPLETON SHORT PLAYS No. 4 IT’S TIME SOMETHING HAPPENED IT’S TIME SOMETHING HAPPENED BY ARTHUR DOYLE [Illustration] D. APPLETON AND COMPANY NEW YORK ¤ LONDON ¤ MCMXXV COPYRIGHT, 1925, BY D. APPLETON AND COMPANY _All Rights Reserved_ This play is fully protected by the copyright law, all requirements of which have been complied with. No performance, either professional or amateur, may be given without the permission of the publisher, D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, 35 West 32nd Street, New York, or D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, 25 Bedford Street, Covent Garden, London, England. Copyright, 1924, by Arthur Doyle PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IT’S TIME SOMETHING HAPPENED CAST THE PROLOGUE THE SHE-ANGLE THE HE-ANGLE THE PLAYWRIGHT THE POET THE NOVELIST THE ACTRESS THE HUSBAND, _another He-Angle_ (_The_ PROLOGUE _steps before the curtain. He is dressed in tights, etc., and carries a trumpet._) PROLOGUE Do you know who I am? Yes, I’m the Prologue. I’m not really the Prologue: I am really the Exposition. But they put tights on me and gave me this (_indicating the trumpet_) and called me the Prologue. I can’t play a trumpet, but it goes well with my tights and looks good, and besides it’s something to lean on while I’m standing over there. Yes, I stand there during the whole play. It’s that kind of play. There, I’ve told you! Yes, you’re going to see a play of a sort. Maybe it won’t be much of a play. That will depend on how much of a help you are. I suppose I’ve got to explain. That is part of my duties as the Exposition. You see last night a young man (he must have been a very young man) dreamed a dream. I don’t mean that you can dream anything but a dream, but it is better to say “dreamed a dream” than to say simply, “he dreamed.” Now, this young man dreamed about triangles--not the kind he ought to have dreamed about as a student of higher mathematics and a very young man--but the other kind. He must have been pretty much of a playgoer, this young man. As I say, he dreamed of triangles. He dreamed of a man and a wife and another man. That’s what is known as a triangle, you know. He didn’t give much time to the husband, but he did get the wife and the other man into a terrible mess. He made them fall in love, and he was just about to solve the problem of how he was going to get rid of the husband--that’s always the problem of triangles, you know--when he woke up. Do you see the difficulty? Here are two angles, desperately in love, and they haven’t yet found out how they can get rid of the husband angle. And, moreover--but no, I’ve been enough Exposition for the present. If anything comes up that you don’t understand, I’ll try to make it clear to you. I’ll be right over here if you want me. If you’re all ready, we’ll begin. Just remember that you’re to help the angles if you can, please! (_He walks to one side and folds his arms. The curtains part, revealing a blank wall of curtains in the rear. Before curtains are three high stools._ _On left stool the_ SHE-ANGLE _sits and on right stool the_ HE-ANGLE, _leaving the center stool vacant_.) HE-ANGLE Well? SHE-ANGLE (_shortly_) I didn’t say anything. HE-ANGLE Oh! (_Pause._) SHE-ANGLE What? HE-ANGLE I didn’t say anything. SHE-ANGLE Oh! (_Pause._) HE-ANGLE This isn’t getting us anywhere. SHE-ANGLE That’s right. Blame it on me! HE-ANGLE Who’s blaming it on you? SHE-ANGLE You are! HE-ANGLE I’m not! SHE-ANGLE You are! HE-ANGLE I’m not! SHE-ANGLE I say you are. HE-ANGLE I’m--Oh, well, have it your own way. But, after all, it isn’t getting us anywhere, is it? SHE-ANGLE Who said it was? HE-ANGLE That’s right. Blame it on me! SHE-ANGLE Who’s blaming it on you? HE-ANGLE You are. SHE-ANGLE I’m not! HE-ANGLE You-- Oh, there we go again. (_Gets off chair and paces across stage._) After all, it _isn’t_ getting us anywhere. SHE-ANGLE Well, I’ve done all I could. HE-ANGLE What have you done? SHE-ANGLE I’ve done everything I could. HE-ANGLE So I heard you say. But what have you done? SHE-ANGLE I’ve racked my brains for days, if you want to know. HE-ANGLE Oh, surely, it didn’t take all that. SHE-ANGLE All what? HE-ANGLE Days. SHE-ANGLE (_beginning to sob_) There! You’re just like all men. Oh! And I thought you different. HE-ANGLE Oh, come now! I say, there isn’t any reason for that. SHE-ANGLE Oh, no! You’d say not. You would. HE-ANGLE Well, what did I say? SHE-ANGLE You said--(_Sobs._)--You said I didn’t have any brains. HE-ANGLE I didn’t! SHE-ANGLE You did. HE-ANGLE I didn’t. SHE-ANGLE (_sobbing_) You _did_! HE-ANGLE Oh, well. (_He goes over to her and takes her hand._) I’m sorry. Really, I am, if I said it, but I don’t think I did. SHE-ANGLE (_brightening_) Well, you did. HE-ANGLE I’m sorry. (_Puts arm about her._) I am like all men, I guess. SHE-ANGLE What do you mean by that? HE-ANGLE Oh, nothing. But what are you going to do about it? SHE-ANGLE I’ve been trying to tell you all along, if you’d only let me. HE-ANGLE What have you been trying to tell me? SHE-ANGLE What I’m going to do about it. HE-ANGLE Oh! SHE-ANGLE What? HE-ANGLE Nothing. I just said “Oh”! SHE-ANGLE Oh! (_Pause._) HE-ANGLE Well? SHE-ANGLE I didn’t say anything. HE-ANGLE Oh! (_Pause._) SHE-ANGLE You see, I will not just run away from my husband. I say I won’t! HE-ANGLE No! Certainly not. But what are you going to do? You know I love you. Where do I come in? SHE-ANGLE Well, I’ve sent for a playwright. HE-ANGLE Oh! SHE-ANGLE Yes. HE-ANGLE But what good is a playwright? SHE-ANGLE Why, don’t you see? To get us out of this mess. HE-ANGLE But what _good_ is he? SHE-ANGLE Why, don’t you see? HE-ANGLE No. SHE-ANGLE Why, playwrights have to do with angles, and triangles, and all that sort of thing. He should be able to help us. HE-ANGLE Oh! (_Pause._) SHE-ANGLE Well? HE-ANGLE I didn’t say anything. SHE-ANGLE Oh! (_Pause._) SHE-ANGLE But I think you might. HE-ANGLE Might what? SHE-ANGLE Say something. What do you think of it--my plan? HE-ANGLE Oh! it’s all right, I guess. SHE-ANGLE You guess! (_Looks as if on the verge of tears._) HE-ANGLE Why, of course it is. It’s fine; that’s what it is. It’s great! But suppose he won’t be able to help us? SHE-ANGLE He--(_Looks off left._)--Here he comes! He will! (_Enter_ PLAYWRIGHT _from left_. _Both_ HE-ANGLE _and_ SHE-ANGLE _look at him curiously_. HE-ANGLE _goes back to his stool_.) PLAYWRIGHT You sent for me? SHE-ANGLE So you’re really a playwright! Oh! PLAYWRIGHT Well, rather. You sent for me? SHE-ANGLE Yes. I sent for you. PLAYWRIGHT Well? HE-ANGLE } SHE-ANGLE } (_together_) I didn’t say anything. PLAYWRIGHT But what did you send for me for? SHE-ANGLE I told you that--in my letter. You know--my husband. We’ve got to get free from him. PLAYWRIGHT Oh, yes! Husband--triangle. H’m. SHE-ANGLE I thought that you, being a playwright-- PLAYWRIGHT Yes, yes, of course. SHE-ANGLE You see, it’s really a very serious matter. PLAYWRIGHT H’m! Oh, not so serious! HE-ANGLE But what are we going to do about it? PLAYWRIGHT Not so fast, young man! Don’t be impatient. HE-ANGLE But we’re tired just being--angles. PLAYWRIGHT Of course. H’m! Have you told him? SHE-ANGLE Whom? PLAYWRIGHT Why, your husband. SHE-ANGLE No. PLAYWRIGHT No, of course not. But it is all very plain. HE-ANGLE What is all very plain? PLAYWRIGHT It’s all very simple. All you have to do is to run away. HE-ANGLE } SHE-ANGLE } Run away! PLAYWRIGHT Why, of course. Together! SHE-ANGLE But--but the scandal. PLAYWRIGHT Ah, of course--the scandal. Wonderful! Think of it. The whole town talking. Ah, Pinero! Everyone that’s worth while. Of course! SHE-ANGLE But I don’t want them to talk! PLAYWRIGHT Don’t be foolish! Think of the dialogue! HE-ANGLE The what? PLAYWRIGHT The dialogue. Think of what people will say! Sparkling, eh, what! Scintillating! Think of it! Ah, Wilde! SHE-ANGLE But I don’t want them to talk! PLAYWRIGHT Well, of all the--! But they will talk! HE-ANGLE No! PLAYWRIGHT Yes! Of course they will. Do you think they’re fools? If they didn’t talk, why--why there wouldn’t be any sense to triangles. You angles must take the consequences. If you must angle, you must be talked about. SHE-ANGLE No! I refuse! HE-ANGLE Certainly not! (_Pause._) PLAYWRIGHT Well, then, if you insist on shutting out dialogue. There--have you thought of--How is your husband? SHE-ANGLE Why, well, thank you! Why--What do you mean? PLAYWRIGHT I mean--doesn’t he have anything? SHE-ANGLE Doesn’t he have anything? PLAYWRIGHT Why, yes--apoplexy or locomotor ataxia, or diabetes, or something? SHE-ANGLE Why--why, no! PLAYWRIGHT Pshaw, that’s too bad. SHE-ANGLE But I don’t know what you mean! PLAYWRIGHT Why, don’t you see? If he had something, he’d be bound to die at the right moment--which is now. Sort of an unwritten law among husbands, you know. They always do. They’re bound to in such cases as this--if everything else fails. SHE-ANGLE Well, he won’t. HE-ANGLE No, he’s healthy as a fool! Besides, he wouldn’t have the decency. SHE-ANGLE He would! He would die, if he could. I know he would! HE-ANGLE He wouldn’t! He’s too mean! SHE-ANGLE He isn’t! Besides, I don’t want him to die. HE-ANGLE Who said you did? SHE-ANGLE You did! HE-ANGLE I didn’t! SHE-ANGLE You _did_! You _did_! You _did_! HE-ANGLE Oh, well! PLAYWRIGHT Come now, this isn’t getting us anywhere. We’re not through yet. There’s still another chance. HE-ANGLE } SHE-ANGLE } (_together_) What is it? PLAYWRIGHT Hire a yacht! SHE-ANGLE A yacht? PLAYWRIGHT Of course. Hire a yacht and get shipwrecked. SHE-ANGLE Oh! HE-ANGLE Get shipwrecked? PLAYWRIGHT Of course. Hire a yacht and go to the South Sea Islands--Fiji will do. Get shipwrecked--it’s very easy to manage. Then, out there, under the open sky and the stars--nature will tell. SHE-ANGLE Nature will tell? PLAYWRIGHT Why, yes. You’ll fight--you (_to_ HE-ANGLE) and he. Let the best man win! You’ll win--unless you lose. In either case--(_To_ SHE-ANGLE.) In either case you’ll be satisfied. If your husband wins, you’ll find that all along you wanted your husband to win. (_Indicating_ HE-ANGLE.) If he wins, you’ll be happy to know that the man destiny picked for you won. It’s a fine place, the South Seas. You’re always satisfied. SHE-ANGLE But I don’t want to go to the South Seas! HE-ANGLE Neither do I. It’s too lonely. PLAYWRIGHT Ah, no! It isn’t lonely any more. The South Seas have become very popular with the people who want to read their Ten Favorite Books and who never would read them anywhere else. You’d not be lonely--if you enjoy Shakespeare and Walt Whitman. SHE-ANGLE I hate Shakespeare, and I hate Walt Whitman! I won’t go! A fortune teller once told me I’d die by drowning, and I won’t go aboard a ship! PLAYWRIGHT Not even to Europe? SHE-ANGLE Not even to Europe. PLAYWRIGHT How vulgar! (_He walks toward off stage._) Good day! SHE-ANGLE What, are you going? PLAYWRIGHT Yes, I’m going. What do you expect me to do? Stay here and be insulted? HE-ANGLE Be insulted? PLAYWRIGHT Yes, be insulted. When you sent for me, I thought you would follow my advice. I have more to give, but I refuse to have my ideas laughed at. They’ve always been successful before--they still are in a thousand cases. But you think you’re too good, and your husband is too damn healthy, and yourself too superstitious. Good day. (_He lifts his hat and passes out right. Both_ HE-ANGLE _and_ SHE-ANGLE _look disconsolately after him_.) SHE-ANGLE Well? HE-ANGLE I didn’t say anything. SHE-ANGLE Oh! (_Pause._) HE-ANGLE I told you so! SHE-ANGLE What did you tell me? HE-ANGLE That a fool playwright wouldn’t be any help. SHE-ANGLE You didn’t! HE-ANGLE I did! Now if you’d followed my plan in the first place! SHE-ANGLE You didn’t have any plan. HE-ANGLE I did. You know I did. My friend, the Poet. If you’d only sent for him--He’d be able to help us. A poet’s got imagination. That’s what we need--imagination. He’s got it--my friend, the Poet. SHE-ANGLE Why didn’t _you_ send for him? HE-ANGLE I did, even if you wouldn’t. I asked him to come, and he said he’d be right over. SHE-ANGLE Well, why didn’t he come? HE-ANGLE He’d been here long ago if it hadn’t been for that fool of a playwright. I never liked playwrights anyway. Poets for me every time. They’re so practical. SHE-ANGLE Well, why doesn’t he come? HE-ANGLE He probably is here; no doubt he’s been here all the time that fool Playwright was here, only I didn’t want to have them meet. They don’t hitch very well, Poets and Playwrights. At least any more. (_He looks toward_ PROLOGUE.) Is the Poet here? (_The_ PROLOGUE _looks off stage right_.) PROLOGUE Yes, the Poet is here. HE-ANGLE Send him in. PROLOGUE I beg your pardon! I’m a Prologue--not a butler. However, I’ll call him if you insist. But please address me more respectfully in the future. HE-ANGLE I beg your pardon, Prologue. Please call the Poet. PROLOGUE (_beckoning off stage right_) Poet. (_Enter_ POET _from right. He is fat, bald, and of a rosy complexion._) POET Hullo! HE-ANGLE (_getting off stool_) Hullo! (_Turns to_ SHE-ANGLE.) May I introduce Poet? SHE-ANGLE (_bowing stiffly_) How do you do! (_She is not a bit impressed._) POET You sent for me? HE-ANGLE Yes. As I explained in my letter, we want advice on how to solve our triangle. POET But I’m a Poet. I always was rotten at mathematics. HE-ANGLE But this is not a mathematical triangle. (_He gets back on stool._) You see (_indicating_ SHE-ANGLE), we’re angles. POET Oh, I see! (_To_ SHE-ANGLE.) He’s complimentary, eh, what? Haw! (SHE-ANGLE _sniffs, very much upstage, at the pun_.) HE-ANGLE We need your advice. Imagination! It’s going to take imagination to get us out of this mess. That’s why I sent for you. POET Thank you. Well, then, what have you done? HE-ANGLE Nothing. SHE-ANGLE A Playwright tried to help us, but-- POET But couldn’t. Of course! Tawdry stuff, I suppose. I know just about what he would suggest. It goes well enough on the stage, but it isn’t art. SHE-ANGLE Ah! Art! POET Of course. You want to be artistic, don’t you? SHE-ANGLE (_beginning to melt_) Yes. Oh, yes! POET H’m. (_Pause._) HE-ANGLE Well? POET I didn’t say anything. SHE-ANGLE Oh! (_Pause._) POET There’s really not much to be done. It’s all so simple, really, and all so artistic. Poetry! I tell you there’s poetry there. HE-ANGLE } SHE-ANGLE } (_together_) Where? POET There. HE-ANGLE } SHE-ANGLE } (_together_) Oh! POET Yes, there’s poetry there, and art. It’s so artistic to suffer. SHE-ANGLE To suffer? POET Yes, so artistic. A sacrifice on the altar of living love. Oh, divine sacrifice! Oh, the beauty and the art of suffering! HE-ANGLE Say, I don’t get all that you’re raving about, but if you have the idea that we aren’t suffering, you’re way off. We are. And it may be artistic, but it’s damn uncomfortable. POET Uncomfortable. Yes. So artistic. The altar of living love. Purple love, deep, mystic, fragrant, yes. So uncomfortable, but so beautiful. SHE-ANGLE But I thought you would be able to help us. POET Ah, I am able. So able! Already I have envisioned your life. So heroic! So hopeless! HE-ANGLE Hopeless? POET Yes. Two lives sacrificed on the altar of living, hopeless love. Deathless love, fragrant and so purple! HE-ANGLE Come out of it and explain all this nonsense to us! Can you help us escape from this awful three-cornered prison? POET Ah, yes, three-cornered. The three-cornered prison of love! Fetters forged in the vermillion fire of love. No blue flame to love, but deep vermillion girandoles of passion! So vermillion! SHE-ANGLE (_she has stood it as long as she can_) He’s mad! POET (_starting up_) What? HE-ANGLE I sent for you, thinking that with your imagination you would be able to help us. But it seems that you’ve got too much imagination. Have you any suggestion or haven’t you? POET Why, of course I have. Haven’t I been telling you all along? SHE-ANGLE Well, how am I to get rid of my husband? POET Ah, madam. You’ll not do that. Ah, no! So comfortable but so inartistic. SHE-ANGLE Not get rid of him! But what shall I do? POET Live. Madam, live--a living sacrifice on the altar of a living love! SHE-ANGLE You mean--? You don’t mean--? POET Yes. HE-ANGLE But where do I come in? POET Ah, my boy. That is it. You, too, can suffer so beautifully. Eternally! Love is eternity. Love her, my boy, and suffer from afar. HE-ANGLE Not marry her? POET No, no! Not marry her! That would not be art. You must deny your love, lock it in your heart and go. HE-ANGLE Go where? POET That doesn’t matter. Just go. In your heart a love denied. So denied! HE-ANGLE But I’m not going. I’m going---- POET But I thought you said you weren’t. HE-ANGLE I’m going to marry her! POET No! Good Lord, no! Anything but that. Seal up your hearts with the seals of eternity and deny your love. There only is Poetry! There only is Art! Seal up your hearts, I say. But don’t marry. SHE-ANGLE I will marry him! POET You, too! Think of it. Why, you are spoiling your great opportunity of sacrificing yourself on the altar of deathless love. You may be _sung_, if you seal your hearts; but marry, and you’ll go and have children. Ugh! SHE-ANGLE I love children. POET Ugh! Deny your purple love, and suffer the eternal pangs of deathless, hopeless yearning. I’ll sing you. Why, I’ve already thought of two new rhymes for love and a beautiful simile. Think of it. Deny your love and have your story told to the world in similes! SHE-ANGLE I hate similes! POET So heroic! So beautiful! So deathless to deny a hopeless love. Beside it the human sacrifices of golden Chichen-Itza were pale and anemic. I’m holding out to you the straw of immortality. SHE-ANGLE I don’t want to be immortal. I want children. POET Oh, well. Then have your children. But don’t, in the name of art and beauty, don’t have legitimate children. Legitimate children are so prosy. A poet can’t sing of them. SHE-ANGLE (_feeling her cheeks_) Oh! Oh! Why, the idea! HE-ANGLE Come, now, that’s going a bit too far! I don’t think you can help us. In fact, I think everything you’ve said about the most ridiculous rubbish I ever heard. POET Rubbish! Fool! Fools! (_He stalks toward left._) I’m through with you. Love your damn heads off and marry and have children, dozens of them. I hope they’re all cross-eyed! Fools! (_He goes off left angrily_, HE-ANGLE _and_ SHE-ANGLE _sit on their stools, a picture of resentment and outraged respectability_.) SHE-ANGLE I told you so. HE-ANGLE What did you tell me? SHE-ANGLE I knew he couldn’t help us. A poet! He’s no poet. Fat and bald. Ugh! I think he ought to be arrested as an impostor. Why, the idea of his talking about illegit--about--ah--children! HE-ANGLE And I thought he was a friend of mine! I always liked poetry, too. SHE-ANGLE Deny our love! Live and suffer! I don’t believe he knows what love is. Or life either. And then those--children! (_She feels her cheeks again. Pause while both sit thoughtfully._) HE-ANGLE Well? SHE-ANGLE I didn’t say anything. HE-ANGLE Oh! (_Pause._) SHE-ANGLE But what are we to _do_? HE-ANGLE I don’t know. This is an awful mess. Maybe Poet is right and we’ll have to go on as we are--just angles. SHE-ANGLE He isn’t right! and I won’t go on just being an angle. HE-ANGLE But what are we going to do? SHE-ANGLE I’m sure I don’t know--yet. But we’ll find a way. (_Pause while they both seem to concentrate._) SHE-ANGLE I have it! HE-ANGLE What? SHE-ANGLE Why didn’t we think of it before? HE-ANGLE What? SHE-ANGLE Why, Prologue! Why don’t we ask Prologue? HE-ANGLE That’s right. Why didn’t we? SHE-ANGLE Oh, Prologue! (PROLOGUE, _who has been leaning half asleep on his trumpet, turns to the_ ANGLES.) PROLOGUE Yes? SHE-ANGLE We want your help. We need your advice. PROLOGUE Oh, no! SHE-ANGLE What do you mean? PROLOGUE I mean you’re not going to drag me into this mess. I’m a Prologue and don’t know anything about Angles--any more than I do about playing this trumpet We Prologues have a lot to contend with these days. They make us do all sorts of things--even to shifting scenery at times. But so far they have kept us out of scandals, and I’m not going to start in, as old as I am, getting into such scrapes. SHE-ANGLE But, Prologue, we don’t want you to get into any scrapes. We only want you to give us advice on how to solve the triangle. PROLOGUE Oh, yes, that’s all you want me to do. But say, haven’t I seen plays before? Haven’t I seen innocent bystanders dragged into such messes as this, even into the divorce courts, just because of a little good advice given at the wrong time. SHE-ANGLE But this is the right time. PROLOGUE How can I be sure of that? Besides, as I said before, I’m the Prologue and not an information bureau or ways and means committee. (_He turns back to the side of the proscenium where he has been standing._) HE-ANGLE Don’t give us any advice, Prologue. But haven’t you any suggestions? PROLOGUE No!--Why, yes, I’ll give you a suggestion. Why don’t you try the audience? HE-ANGLE The--the audience? PROLOGUE Yes. Why don’t you try them? Maybe there is a novelist among them. SHE-ANGLE Oh, fine! Maybe there is! Ask them, Prologue, do! I know an Author can help us! PROLOGUE (_turning to audience_) Is there an Author in the audience? (_Pause._) A Novelist? AUTHOR (_rising somewhere in the audience_) Yes. I’m a Novelist. (_He comes forward._) I’ve been thinking it was about time some one with a little brains took a hand in these proceedings. I’ll be glad to help you. PROLOGUE Come right up, Author. (AUTHOR _goes up on the stage_.) PROLOGUE (_to_ ANGLES) Here is your Author. (_Turns back to his original post._) AUTHOR You know, I feel very sorry for you people, not because of the mess you’re in but because of the way you tried to get out of it. HE-ANGLE What do you mean? AUTHOR Why, calling on a playwright and a poet. What good did you ever think they could possibly do you? I’m suspicious of them, particularly playwrights. I once had a novel, one of my best, adapted for the stage. (_He throws up his hands._) You should have seen it when that playwright got through with it! I wouldn’t have recognized it myself. Only the title remained the same. SHE-ANGLE But they’re usually very good in triangles. AUTHOR (_sniffing_) Oh, yes. They know how to invent them, but they fail utterly in solving them satisfactorily. Why, not so long ago a very prominent playwright put two triangles together and tried to pass it off as a circle, but they remained triangles. It might be good dialogue, but it’s poor mathematics. HE-ANGLE Do you think you can help us? AUTHOR My boy, I’m sure of it. Of course, it’s largely up to you. If you’re willing to take sound advice, I know I can help you. I’ve solved many triangles in my time. That’s the kind of novel I have always written, and I always see to it that there’s a good moral attached. So do you feel it safe to listen to me? SHE-ANGLE Oh, yes! (_To_ HE-ANGLE.) I’m sure he’s going to be able to help us! AUTHOR Now then. The first thing you’re to do is to send for your husband and tell him all about it. SHE-ANGLE Tell him! Oh, I can’t do that! AUTHOR Yes, you must tell him. Now twenty years ago you would not have been able to do that, but now--all is different. Twenty years ago it would have meant a duel or a murder. To-day, however, husbands are different. I suppose we novelists are really responsible for the change. Realism has done it. Realism has made men realize that man and wife are two separate and individual entities. The wife, man now realizes, has a right to lead her own life as she chooses. And he accepts it. Realism has done it! SHE-ANGLE But my husband doesn’t. AUTHOR Doesn’t what? SHE-ANGLE Accept it. He doesn’t believe it. He wouldn’t allow it! AUTHOR But how do you know unless you try him? I am willing to stake my reputation as a Novelist that he would be amenable to argument. SHE-ANGLE But he hates arguments. I never could even argue with him over the price of a hat. AUTHOR Besides, perhaps he, too, is tired. SHE-ANGLE Tired of what? AUTHOR Of--of marriage. SHE-ANGLE Oh! of marriage. Of me, you mean? AUTHOR That is putting it very bluntly. But, since you put it that way--yes. SHE-ANGLE (_turning to_ HE-ANGLE) Oh! HE-ANGLE See here! What are you trying to insinuate? AUTHOR I’m not trying to insinuate anything. My dear man, I am simply appealing to your sense of justice. It is not unreasonable to conceive of a mutual feeling of surfeit arising in man and wife. That has frequently been the case, as you will realize if you read the popular novel. We novelists were among the first to recognize it. It will soon be put on the stage. SHE-ANGLE I’m sure he isn’t tired of me. AUTHOR Of you--probably not. But of marriage and its restrictions--yes, perhaps. HE-ANGLE But, suppose he were tired of marriage. What good would all this be? AUTHOR You should be able to come to some arrangement. Divorce, perhaps. SHE-ANGLE I hate divorce! It’s so vulgar! AUTHOR Oh, not any more. It’s really very smart. SHE-ANGLE I don’t like it! AUTHOR Well, I don’t know how you’re going to get out of this mess if you won’t listen to divorce. There’s no chance of your husband’s dying you told the playwright. There are only two other ways out. SHE-ANGLE And what are they? AUTHOR Murder and free love. I don’t suppose you’ll commit murder? SHE-ANGLE (_shrinking_) Oh, no! Murder my husband! AUTHOR It’s not so very bad. Really, murder may be so committed that it is neither vulgar nor sinful. SHE-ANGLE Not sinful! AUTHOR Of course not. Murder is not necessarily sinful. It is held to be so only as a matter of convenience and because people have a naïve way of speaking of one’s having a right to live. After all, no one has any real right except to die. Murder is not considered sinful even by so-called moralists if it be done for a patriotic reason as in war. To ease your conscience, then, can’t you think of a patriotic reason why your husband should die? Does he obey the laws? SHE-ANGLE Why, yes, I think so. At least as much as any one does. But let’s not discuss that. I won’t murder him and I won’t have him murdered! AUTHOR Well then. Free love? SHE-ANGLE But that certainly is sinful! AUTHOR Oh, no! How old-fashioned you are! SHE-ANGLE Well, I don’t care if I am old-fashioned. I’m not going to do anything that my conscience says is wrong! AUTHOR Well, all I have to say is that you’re a queer pair. You’ve been unconventional enough to go and fall in love. That does not seem to you to be wrong, but you balk at divorce, murder, and free love. I’m sure I don’t see any help for you. What you need is not a Novelist or a Playwright or a Poet, but a Psychiatrist. Good day! (_He goes out at left._) SHE-ANGLE What a disagreeable man! HE-ANGLE Realism did it! SHE-ANGLE I don’t believe he’s much of an Author. HE-ANGLE Trash is all he writes, probably. SHE-ANGLE Free love! HE-ANGLE Murder! (_An_ ACTRESS _rises somewhere in the audience_.) ACTRESS Let me help you! SHE-ANGLE Who is that? ACTRESS (_coming toward stage_) I know I can help you if you’ll let me. I know just how you feel. (PROLOGUE _assists her to the stage_.) PROLOGUE And your name? ACTRESS I’m an Actress. PROLOGUE (_to_ SHE-ANGLE) She’s an Actress. SHE-ANGLE (_to_ HE-ANGLE) She’s an Actress. HE-ANGLE An Actress! ACTRESS (_going to_ SHE-ANGLE _at once sympathetic and patronizing and always fully realizing that she is going to have an opportunity to hold the center of the stage_:) You poor dear, I know how you feel. I know. SHE-ANGLE I’ve suffered much. ACTRESS I know. I know. HE-ANGLE Can you help us? ACTRESS (_turning to him; every movement is deliberate, studied_) Yes. HE-ANGLE I’m sure you can. ACTRESS Yes. SHE-ANGLE My husband, you know-- ACTRESS I know. SHE-ANGLE How can you help us? ACTRESS Ah, you must be deft. You must be subtle. But not too subtle. SHE-ANGLE But, go on! ACTRESS It is all so very simple. First you must decide what you want. Do you want to marry your lover? SHE-ANGLE Yes. ACTRESS Do you want that most of all? SHE-ANGLE Yes, most of all. ACTRESS Then you must realize there is only one solution--divorce. As the Author says it is very smart. It is not vulgar unless the husband gets it. If the wife gets it, divorce is quite all right. Of course, murder is all right if you’re a tragedienne. Are you a tragedienne? SHE-ANGLE I can’t act! ACTRESS Then it must be divorce and you must be the one to obtain it. That is very simple. Your husband loves you? Yes? SHE-ANGLE I’m sure of it! ACTRESS Yes. I know! Yes, your husband loves you. You must, however, show him that your love for him has died, that you love another and that you must either marry this other man or be his mistress. SHE-ANGLE Oh! ACTRESS I know how you feel. I know. SHE-ANGLE But I can’t do that! ACTRESS Oh, yes, you can. You must only be deft. You must act. You must show him how you suffer. SHE-ANGLE But how? ACTRESS I shall show you. We shall have a rehearsal now. I shall be you, and your lover will be your husband. You must watch me carefully. Then you do as I do. SHE-ANGLE Ah, I see. ACTRESS (_going up toward_ HE-ANGLE) I shall call him John. It need not be his name, but it will do in rehearsal. Besides, I like simple names in emotional scenes. Monosyllables are best. They’re so tense when used alone. (_Turning again toward_ HE-ANGLE.) You must help me now. I want you to do just the things and say the things you would if you were really John. John! HE-ANGLE Yes, dear. ACTRESS I have something to say to you, John dear. HE-ANGLE Yes, dear? (ACTRESS _sits on stool beside_ HE-ANGLE. _She sits impassive, tense._) ACTRESS Won’t you sit down? (HE-ANGLE _sits_.) ACTRESS How long have we been married, John? HE-ANGLE Why, five years, dear. Why? ACTRESS We’ve been very happy, haven’t we, John? HE-ANGLE I don’t know what you mean! ACTRESS We’ve been happy, haven’t we? That is all. HE-ANGLE Yes, dear. But-- ACTRESS You’ve loved me, John? HE-ANGLE Always. ACTRESS You still love me, John? (HE-ANGLE _wavers a little. He feels that this is getting a bit deep._) ACTRESS Don’t be bashful. Remember this is only a rehearsal. Put your arms around me and kiss me. John would. (HE-ANGLE _is not unwilling, but the presence of_ SHE-ANGLE _disturbs him somewhat, particularly as the latter is beginning to lose interest in the technical side of the rehearsal and to resent the liberties the_ ACTRESS _is taking with her lover_.) ACTRESS Do as I say or I can’t go on. Do you still love me, John? HE-ANGLE (_taking her in his arms with a mixture of contentment and apprehension, he kisses her_) There, dear. Does that answer your question? ACTRESS I’m afraid it does. HE-ANGLE Afraid? ACTRESS Yes, John, afraid. HE-ANGLE (_in the spirit of the play_) But why do you say that? ACTRESS Oh, John. I don’t know how I can ever tell you. HE-ANGLE Tell me what? ACTRESS (_parenthetically_) Oh, you’re doing fine. Tell you that-- HE-ANGLE Yes? ACTRESS Oh, John, I no longer love you! HE-ANGLE What? ACTRESS Oh, John. It’s true. Kill me! Do anything with me! I don’t deserve your love! I’m unworthy of you. Kill me! HE-ANGLE You don’t love me! ACTRESS Kill me. Oh, John, it’s too true, too terribly true. Would to God I had died before I met you. Then you would be saved this. Kill me, John! HE-ANGLE (_putting his hands firmly on her shoulders and looking her in the eyes_) What do you mean? ACTRESS (_hanging her head_) Oh, John, you’re making it very hard for me. I--I love another. HE-ANGLE You’re not telling me the truth! ACTRESS I never was more serious in my life, John. HE-ANGLE You love another! ACTRESS I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. HE-ANGLE You love another! ACTRESS But I love you, too. Honestly, I love you. But in a different sort of way. I’ll always love you, John. You’ve been so fair to me. HE-ANGLE (_taking her suddenly in his arms and kissing her passionately_) It’s a lie. Darling, say it’s a lie! (_He kisses her again._ SHE-ANGLE _does not like it. She jumps to her feet._) SHE-ANGLE (_coldly_) That will do! (HE-ANGLE _and_ ACTRESS _both turn toward her_.) SHE-ANGLE That will be enough. ACTRESS But we’re not nearly through yet! SHE-ANGLE That is what I was afraid of. But I do not think I require any more instruction. I have learned much already. ACTRESS But what about the rest? SHE-ANGLE There isn’t going to be any rest. ACTRESS What do you mean? SHE-ANGLE I mean that I am quite capable of settling my domestic problems without any assistance from the theatrical profession. ACTRESS Why! Why! SHE-ANGLE I know. I know. ACTRESS Of all the insults! Goodness knows, I didn’t want to interfere in your business. SHE-ANGLE Well, no one asked you to! ACTRESS You did. You appealed to the audience. SHE-ANGLE I didn’t! All I asked of the audience was a Novelist. I didn’t ask for a chorus girl. ACTRESS A chorus girl! I’ll have you sued for slander, you silly, ignorant doll, you. A chorus girl! You free-lover! You, you mistress! (ACTRESS _stalks off right_.) HE-ANGLE I don’t see why you did that! SHE-ANGLE (_sarcastically_) No, of course you don’t. Certainly not! HE-ANGLE She isn’t a chorus girl. SHE-ANGLE How do you know she isn’t? HE-ANGLE Well, I just know. She didn’t look like one, for one thing. SHE-ANGLE (_too agreeable_) I thought she did, but I see I was mistaken. I shall not argue with an authority. HE-ANGLE What do you mean? SHE-ANGLE I dare say you know a great deal about chorus girls, and--and actresses. I can readily see that you are very familiar with the looks and actions of that kind of people. I understand perfectly now how you were able to carry your part so well, I-- HE-ANGLE Stop! SHE-ANGLE I shall not stop! What right have you to tell me to stop? As I was saying before you so rudely lost your temper, I quite realize that in all probability it was not your first scene with an Actress. HE-ANGLE I say--! SHE-ANGLE You have said quite enough. Quite too much, in fact. It is all very plain to me that your intimacy with chorus girls and soubrettes has stood you in good stead to-day. I am glad to have learned that before I took some rash step. I am very glad to be able to say that whatever may be my husband’s faults, he has never frequented stage doors. HE-ANGLE What in Heaven’s name has come over you? Are you insane? SHE-ANGLE That’s right! Call me names. Strike me! That is all there is left to do! HE-ANGLE (_he goes up to her and makes her face him_) You know everything you have said is damned foolishness. You know you had no basis for such a scene. SHE-ANGLE (_in a rage_) No basis! No basis! To see you take another woman, a painted woman probably from a burlesque chorus, to see you take her into your arms, burning with passion, your eyes dilated, your cheeks flushed, your whole being mad with unholy love. No basis, do you say? To see you do that while still my lover! What would it be if you were married to me--if you were my husband! Oh, I have been blind! I have a husband who has at least the grace to carry on his amours behind my back, if he does carry on any. And I would have changed him for you! Oh, I have been blind! Go! HE-ANGLE But-- SHE-ANGLE Go! Go! Do not stay another moment! Here comes my husband. I hear him outside. If you don’t go I shall have him kill you. HE-ANGLE Darling-- SHE-ANGLE Don’t use that word to me! Go! HE-ANGLE You must listen. SHE-ANGLE I shall scream! (_The_ HUSBAND-ANGLE _enters_.) HUSBAND-ANGLE Hello, Darling. (_To_ HE-ANGLE.) How are you? SHE-ANGLE He’s just hurrying away--to meet the dearest actress in the world who has been here to call. (HE-ANGLE _gives her an ugly look_.) HE-ANGLE Good-by. SHE-ANGLE (_too sweet_) Good-by! HUSBAND-ANGLE Good-by. (HE-ANGLE _goes_.) HUSBAND-ANGLE I’ve got two seats for a good show to-night, dear. It’s a problem play. Wonderful actress. SHE-ANGLE (_kisses him_) Oh, you darling! I love actresses. CURTAIN (PROLOGUE _gathers his trumpet sleepily under his arm. He has been half asleep during the later action of the play. He looks at the audience in some confusion and starts to go through the curtains._) PROLOGUE I’ve got to hurry or I’ll be an Epilogue. That wasn’t so hard to settle, was it? Thank you. (_He goes within the curtains._) THE END _Longer Dramas from Appleton’s List_ THE SEA WOMAN’S CLOAK and NOVEMBER EVE _By Amélie Rives (Princess Troubetzkoy)_ Out of the legends and folklore of Ireland and her own particular fantasy she has made two plays as Irish as anything of Yeats’s, Synge’s, Lady Gregory’s. As individual. As enchanting. =The Sea Woman’s Cloak= (3 m. 3 w. and others.). =November Eve= (8 m. 8 w. and others.). $2.00. MARCH HARES _By Harry Wagstaff Gribble_ A satire in three acts. First presented in New York at the Bijou Theatre, later at the Punch and Judy in the summer of 1921, later revived at the Little Theatre. “It offers,” says _Heywood Broun_, “some of the most agile dialogue that our theatre has known and reveals its author as the possessor of a rare gift for nonsense. And his nonsense is not just for the sheer trick of the thing, but molded with satirical intent.” _New York Evening Telegram_: “A delightful work, as good as Oscar Wilde at his best, sharply defined, brilliant, and deliciously amusing.” $2.00. GOAT ALLEY _By Ernest Howard Culbertson_ _Introduction by Ludwig Lewisohn_ A drama of Negro life in three acts. First presented at the Bijou Theatre, New York City, in June, 1921. (7 m. 4 w.). _New York Tribune_: “A stunning tragedy. In the characterization there are fine perception and vivid writing. There is heartbreak in this play.” _Oakland Tribune_: “Splendidly and heroically written. A play to meditate over.” $1.75. THE SUN CHASER _By Jeannette Marks_ _Author of “Three Welsh Plays”_ The search for happiness is the theme of this play, which is both realistic and--in the poignant figure of Ambrose Clark, who drunkenly, lamely chases the sun--subtly symbolic (11 m. 3 w. 4 g. 1 b.). _John Barrymore_: “I have read ‘The Sun Chaser.’ I think it has great beauty and a curious sense of mood and imminent vague things. I also think it brilliantly characterized.” $1.75. D. APPLETON AND COMPANY PUBLISHERS TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES Page 37: exclamation mark added after “I no longer love you”. Due to technical reasons, a symbol on the title page could not be reproduced in this text edition. It is represented in this edition as “¤”. 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