BY
HAROLD ACTON VIVIAN
Illustrations by
FRANCIS P. SAGERSON
G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY
PUBLISHERS NEW YORK
Copyright, 1903, by
H. A. VIVIAN
Copyright, 1904, by
G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY
The Theatrical
Primer
Here, children, is a Theatre. A Theatre is a big Playhouse where actors Act—sometimes. It is a pretty building, is it Not? It costs two big Dollars to get into a Theatre but People are always in a Great Hurry to get out. This is right, as it Helps the actors to act. When you go to a theatre you should always Cry as Loud and as Long as you can. It gives great Pleasure to all the People, and makes your Mother feel Good.
Oh, see the Press Agent! Is he not a wonderful Thing? Next to the Theatre, he is the most Important Thing in the Business. He is much Greater than the Manager, but he does not get so much Money. The Press Agent always tells the Truth, and loves to give away Free Tickets. Do not offer him a Drink or a Cigar, because he will surely refuse, and then You will feel Badly.
The Man looks Anxious. He is a Manager, and he thinks the Treasurer is Swiping his Money. Fie on the Treasurer! The Poor Manager has so little money that He can only take one Drink at a Time. Ask the Manager for tickets. He will pay for them out of his own Pocket. He is such a Charitable man. Try to be like the Manager, little children, and when you grow Up, you will always be without Money. Money is a great Curse.
This is a Chappie. No, it is not an animal; it is a human Being. Its real name is E. Z. Thing. What do you think the Chappie is Good for—Nothing? Oh, fie, it is surely good for Something. Yes; it is Good to buy suppers for Chorus Girls. Sometimes it buys Flowers Also, and has them Charged to Papa. Papa is sometimes a Chappie himself. That is right; yell "Chappie" as Loud as you can. It is not Vulgar to Yell on the Street, and the man likes to be called by such a nice name.
Here we see an Actor. No; do not Touch him or you will soil his Clothes. Are not his Clothes wonderful? And just Think, they are all Paid for! He wears his Hair long because the Barber shops are Closed on Sunday. He is Very busy all the week, you know. He has to walk up and down Broadway several Times every day. Actors are very Nice men. They always say good Things about other Actors, and never talk of Themselves. No; none of them wears corsets.
Isn't that dog Tiny? It's the Leading lady's pet Poodle. Oh, see how nicely it snaps at Everything! The Leading lady has Taught it to do that; Snaps are right in her line. Everyone loves the Little Dog. It is so Gentle and Loving. Kick the Dog in the Ribs, Johnny. It will please the lady if you do—and the Dog—and the Manager. See the Manager laugh.
Here we see a Lobster. The Lobster is going to Buy a Ticket from the Speculator. Will they let the Lobster into the Theatre? Oh, I guess Yes. See; the Speculator has put the Money in his Pocket. Will he give the Treasurer some of the Dough? Perhaps; if he is a very Kind Speculator. How fortunate for the Speculator that there are Lobsters.
Do you see the Clever Usher? He has Sold two seats in the Front Row. What will he do when the man who Bought the Seats at the box office comes in? He will say that there is a Mistake, and the Man will sit in the Sixth Row. The Man is from the Country. All ushers are clever. They need the Money to buy clean Shirts.
Come, children, we will Leave now. The last Act is not Over, but the Audience would sooner see your Clothes than the Play. Run out in the Aisle and make a Noise. The People will be glad; they are Tired and do not want to hear the rest of the Play. People do not go to the Theatre to Hear the Play. What a foolish idea!
See the Leading Lady. She is the Greatest Actress in the World. Oh, no; she does Not think so. She is Modest and Unassuming. She does not like the Star Dressing Room, but the Manager makes her take it. What a Cruel Manager! Poor Lady, she has to wear her nice stage Clothes on the Street. Do not Rubber at her. She does not Like being Rubbered at. How fond the Leading Lady is of the Leading Man! Last night she embraced him so Fervently that the Powder came off Her Arms on his Coat. He likes such Things. They are marks of Affection.
Here is a Programme. Is it not a Pretty Book? What lovely pictures of Corsets and False Teeth. Do not look for Cast of the Play. We will find that Next Week. The Advertisements are much More Interesting. It would be Foolish to Print the Cast in Large type, because then We could See it. How Artistic is the Cover of the Programme! Does it not remind you of the Delirium Tremens?
Oh, see; there is a Chorus Girl. What a beautiful Complexion she has. And what very White Shoulders. No; of course she cannot sing. But what a cunning Wink she is making at her Baldheaded Father in the Front Row. She will meet Him after the Show and take him Riding in her Automobile. Then they will have Supper in a lovely Restaurant. Father will pay for the Supper, just like he pays for the Auto. Is he not a good Father to the Poor Hard-working Chorus Girl? The Chorus Girl is a much better actress than the Leading Lady, but she is not jealous of the Leading Lady's success. Not a bit.
What a funny little Man that is. He is a Big part of the Syndicate. He is a very Big Bug, and so kind to Actors. He just Loves to Pay them Money. But he does Not like to make them work Hard. Oh, No; they just do what They want to. By and By they Will get too old to Work, and then he will Buy them a House to live in. All the other Managers love the Big Bug, because he does not try to Hog the Whole thing.
Do you see the Man with the Bald Head in the Second Row? He is a Great Critic. He gets a Million Dollars for every day that He works. He Knows all About every Show that will Ever be written. He is good to the Actors, and will tell Them how to Act Properly. The Actors and Actresses just Love to read what he Writes. When you Grow up, little Children, you should try and be Critics, and when you Die you will go to a place where there are lots of Actors, and they will Give you a Hot time.
Here we have the Little Comedienne. Isn't she the Real Thing? Only think, she used to be in the Chorus! But she had a very beautiful Voice, and now she owns the Whole Show. The Police will not let You walk on the same side of the Street with Her, and the Manager says no one Else in the Company must Give Pictures to the Papers. She is very Kind to the Others, and they love her. By and By she will be a Has-been, and then the other girls will send her Part of their Salary. It always pays to be Kind, little Children.
What do we see here? Oh, this is a Playwright. He has Written a Play. Will the Manager accept the Play? Oh, no; the Manager could not do that. It is a Good play, but the Playwright Has not Got a Reputation. If he should Kill a man he would get a Reputation and then his Play would be accepted. Perhaps he will go to England and Sell the Play. Then it will be a Great Success, and the Cruel Manager will be sorry because he has Missed a chance to Make Money.
This is another Playwright. He is a very successful one Because he Works very Hard. He writes a Dozen plays every year. If one is Good he Gets Paid for All the rest. Of course he has a Reputation. He made it by Knitting Socks.
What a Large Chest that man has. Yes; he is a Star. He is the only actor who can Play Hamlet. Did you Know that he Owns a Large part of Broadway? What is he Saying? He says that he is Not a great Actor. He thinks the Juvenile plays his Part very Well. He does not Like to be Applauded. Did he say he got a Hundred Dollars a week? That must be a Mistake. All stars get at Least Five Hundred. Modesty is a great virtue, Children. You should Try and be as Modest as the Star.
Here we have a Four Hundredth Performance. How young it looks. Has the Play run a Year? Oh, dear, No. But then there are Matinees, you know. And Rehearsals. The Piece has played Four Hundred Times. The Press Agent and the Manager say so. Of Course they ought to Know, and They always tell the Truth. What pretty Souvenirs! They are Real Gold and cost More than the Theatre Tickets. How Charitable of the Management to give them Away.
See the Fat Policeman. He walks right past the Doorkeeper. Has he got a Ticket? No, he has a shield. Why do they Let him in Free? Because he is a Policeman. Will he make the standees, settees? Of course not. He will Watch the Show, and if he Likes it He will ask for Two tickets. Will he pay for them? Don't ask foolish questions, you silly boy.
Watch the Pretty lady buy two Fifty-cent tickets. She wants to know if they are Down stairs. No, they are in the Gallery. In the front row? Yes. Has the man nothing further in Front? she asks. The Poor lady would like them in the Centre. Yes, those would do. But are they on the Aisle? No, there is no Centre Aisle. She says it is not a nice Theatre, but she Supposes she Must take the Tickets. Are they for Thursday night? Yes. Oh, that is too bad. She is going to Play cards on Thursday night, and she wants the Tickets for Friday night. Now she Will pay for them. How careful she is with her money! She has opened Her little Bag, and Taken out her Pocket book. Now she has closed the Bag. She has taken a Two-Dollar Bill out of the Pocket book and laid it down. She opens the Bag and puts the pocket book back. There; she has Closed the bag. Now she has got the Tickets. She has opened the Bag again and put the Tickets inside. The Bag is Closed again now. The man is Giving her her change. She has opened the Bag, taken out the Pocket book, closed the Bag, opened the Pocket book, put in the change, closed the Pocket book, opened the Bag, put in the Pocket book, and Closed the Bag. How quickly she does not do it. Are there other People waiting to buy seats? Oh, a few Dozen.
Here we have a Box party. Isn't it nice of Them to Come Late, that Many people can see Them? No, Johnny, they Do not come to Show off Their clothes. How happy they are. How Mirthful. You can hear them laugh right Across the Theatre. The Girl in the pink crêpe de Chine is saying that Pickles do Not Agree with her. Isn't that too bad? The man is telling her a Story. Pretty soon they Will Laugh out Loud again. See, the Lovely lady with The Charming manners is looking through her opera glasses at a Man in the Front Row. Does she Know him? Of course not, or she wouldn't look at him. When the Curtain goes down, the Men will Go out on Important Business Matters and the Women will stroll up and down so That other Women can See their Dresses. Do not try to Watch the Play, children. The Box party is much more fun.
What is this? A Matinée Idol. What a Meek man he is. He says he is Not handsome. That is not True. The Girls all adore him. How careless he is with his Clothes. His Pants have not been Pressed in Fifteen minutes. He is going to Have his picture taken. He had some Taken yesterday, but They did not Do him Justice. Is the Idol married? Hist! children, some things are Sacred. Whose little boy is that Following him? That is a Messenger boy; he reminds the Idol of His dates.
Let us steal into the dressing room. See what a cute little place It is. The leading Juvenile and the Comedian dress here. They like a small room; it is So easy to make a quick change in One. The management wanted to Make the Dressing room Larger but there was Not enough lumber. See; in his hurry, the Actor has left a pair of shoes in Front of that Chair. Put them behind the Trunk, Clara, and the Actor will thank you.
This is a stick of Grease paint. The Leading lady uses it to Make herself look beautiful. In this way she can make many dates. The leading lady is very fond of Dates. Her friends say she always has dates for Supper. Hold the Grease paint in the Gas flame, Johnny, and see it Fizzle. Now rub the wet paint on the Looking Glass. Put some in the Powder box. The Leading lady always uses powder after Paint; now she can Use both together. Let us hide the Grease paint in the Slipper. The leading lady will Think it a Great joke.
Here we have the Property man. He is making a Ship. Will the ship go? No. But it will look Real. What a Dusty room this is. Let's dust the Things off and arrange them. How glad the Property man will be To-night when he has to Get ready for the First act in a hurry. Oh, here is the property Man back again. Clara, help Johnny up! The Property man Wears pointed Shoes.
See the Man who was once a Great Actor! He says he is too Good for the Managers now. His was a Great Hamlet. Does he mean the hamlet where he was Born? Why does he Not go to work? He will soon Go to work his friends. He has a very good memory. He remembers ——. Some time, children, we will take a Month off, and then He will tell us What he remembers.
Look at the Man in the Front row. He has a Clean shave on the back of his Head. See how hard he laughs. Does he enjoy the jokes? No; he has seen the Show seven times. What large opera glasses he has. Yes, he is very short-sighted. The show is a Burlesque. The Soubrette winks at him. That is because he is Old—and Easy. Will he go on to a Club after the Show? No; he will go on a Bat.
Here we have the Soubrette. No; she is not seventy-seven, she is only seventeen. Her father was a Blacksmith, and she is very clever with the Hammer herself. Hasn't she a lovely Shape? It is all her own, too. The Bill says she Paid twenty-five Dollars for it. She is talking to the chorus girl. She says she had a Lobster at dinner. Soubrettes are very Fond of Lobsters. There is an Old saying: "Wherever the Soubrette is, there will the Lobsters be found also."
The programme says the Ushers must not be Tipped. It hurts an usher's Feelings to be Given money. If we were to give an usher Money he would give up his Job. You would not Like to see the poor man out of a Job, would you? All his wants Are provided for by the Management and he Has no need of money. He gets a very Fat salary and his Family live in Elegance. How kind of the management to Treat the usher so well! Of course we will not give the usher money as the Management does not wish us to. It would be cruel, and Besides we would get very little in Return.
Let us listen to the Manager talking to the actor. The Manager says it is a fine day. That is not so, for it is Raining. The Actor says he would Like his Salary. Why does the Manager laugh and say next Tuesday? The actor tells the manager to go to Yuma, Arizona. Will the manager go? No, but the Actor will soon begin Counting railroad Neckwear.
Children, observe the Bouncer. He is a kind and Gentle man, and carries a Stick to protect Himself. He is very weak. Clara, yell as loud as you can. Now, Johnny, whistle on Your fingers. Will the Bouncer tell you to Stop? Bang! The hospital is just round the Corner. The children will Come again and see the rest of the Show.
Here we see a Poster. The poster says there are Three hundred people on the Stage. Are there three hundred people on the Stage? Oh! no; not to-night. One of the Ladies is sick, and Two hundred of the Others are nursing her. Call the Manager a Liar, Johnny. There! Now we know why the manager Carries a Cane.
Oh! see the Lady crying. She is very Young to be so Tearful. She is a Matinée girl. Why does she Cry? Is it because the Lovely heroine is in Distress? No; it is because the Leading man has had His hair cut. She wanted a Lock of his Lovely hair to Stuff a cushion With. What will she Do now? She will have to go to Another theatre until the Hair grows again.
This is a Vaudeville joke. How tired it Looks! Yes, it is Worn out. It has been doing Two a day for Nineteen Years. Once it was nearly Murdered by a Mean audience. Luckily it Changed its disguise. Will it ever Die? No; it will Get a Shave and a New disguise, and will go on working forever. How cruel to treat a good Joke so. What is the name of the Joke? It is the Mother-in-law joke.
Oh, see the Hat. It is a Stovepipe hat, and Belongs to the Manager. That is, he Wore it until last night. Now he will Have to buy Another hat. But this hat is good. It Cost Five dollars, and has been Worn only a Month. Yes, children, but there are other Points about the hat besides Wear. The size must be considered. Last night a great star, whom the Manager had Discovered, made a Hit. The Manager's head is Bigger now, and he must Have a new Hat. Let us take this one and put a Brick in It. Then when some other manager Cops the Star this manager can Kick the Hat.
Here we have the leading Lady's gown. It cost one Hundred and eighty Dollars. The leading lady Said so. How pretty and Fluffy it is. Is the Fluff chiffon or Organdie? The Leading Lady says it is French chiffon, but the Chorus Girls say it is Organdie from an old Summer gown. How mean of the Chorus girls! How economic of the Leading lady! Johnny, tread on the train of the Gown, and we can all see the Fireworks.
Are you Cold, children? See, the Snow is Falling. It is very Realistic, this Snow. It looks like the Real thing, and Makes you shiver. Do not be Afraid, we will not Freeze to Death. The show is a Frost, but the Manager is hot. The Snow is made from the Passes taken in last night. It will not Hurt you. If the Snow keeps up it will be so cold the Poor ghost will not Be able to Walk. Let us Pray that the Snow will Stop, so the Hungry actors may see the Ghost walk.
Is this a New kind of Music? No; it is a Baby crying. How kind of its Mother to bring it Out on a Night like this. Babies should Always be brought to the Theatre. They do so much to Amuse an audience. This is a very Noisy baby. Perhaps it has Ideas about the Show. That's right, Harry; get out Your bean shooter and Hit the Baby on the Nut. That will amuse the Child and perhaps it will Sing for us. If the Mother were not so big we would Soak her, too.
Here we have a Real sword. It is Carried by the Hero. He is a Brave man, and the sword is very Sharp. Johnny, try and Shave Harry with the Sword. Try hard! Now Clara, get a Mop, and wipe Up the Blood before the Stage manager returns. Johnny, hit Harry on the Head with a Hammer. He should not Make so Much noise. Little children should be Seen and not Heard. Stick him in the Ribs with the sword.
This Man is the Man who has seen the Show. Are you not glad that it is raining, so that you can Hear him Swear? No; he did not have an Umbrella when he went in, but he has one Now. He Found it. He is saying that the Show was Rotten. That is because the Girl who sat next to him got Mad when he Squeezed her Hand when it was Dark. Of course he Thought he was Squeezing his wife's hand. Always squeeze hands when You go to the theatre. It will keep you Warm.
How pompous is the Orchestra leader! Do you notice his white gloves? How they add to his appearance. Perhaps his appearance needs adding to. Watch him lean over the footlights. See the funny little bald spot on his head. How commanding he is; all the musicians are afraid of him he is so fierce. But why the bald spot? S-h-h-h, children, that is where his little wife pulled the hair out last night.
Shades of Napoleon, what have we here? Can you not Guess? Look very carefully. Ah, it is the uniform that The actor wears. What a shame! The beautiful Silk that we saw from the Audience last night has All been taken off and Turkey-red put on Instead. And the silver braid! Somebody must have Stolen it and put Common rope with Silver paper round it in Its place. Johnny, run quickly and Get the scissors and we will Cut off all this make-believe Finery so that the Actor can put on the Real thing more easily. When the Actor comes he will give Us his blessing for What we have done.
Let us get a Bag of Peanuts. Eat all you want to, children. They will make you grow. Throw the shells on the floor, and then Step on them. What a Pretty noise they make! See who can hit the Bald-headed man with a Peanut. Now the Man is mad. How strange.
Let us listen to the actor Make a speech. He is a Great actor, and will Make a Great Speech. He says he Thanks us for our Kindness. Perhaps he will lend us a Dollar. He says New York is the Only place. That is because the hens had stopped laying before he got to Philadelphia. What a Happy expression the Actor wears, and How glad he is To see us. If we do Not applaud the Rest of the Piece he will say that We are a lot of Slobs. But there are Other Actors in the show Besides this one. Yes; one of them Wrote the Speech.
This is the professional début of the Great amateur. She is a Pretty girl, and Her friends say she is very, Very clever. How Gracefully she Bows. Just like a Subway derrick. Her voice is like a Bell. Johnny, do you Remember the Bells on the Cows up country? You naughty boy, she does Not resemble the Cow! See; she has just come in out of the Rain. She says it is Bitt-e-r cold. She lays her Wraps before the Fire. Why does she not Shut the Window? Now she is going Out again. But why does she leave her Wraps behind? Perhaps she is going to Commit Suicide. In the Morning, when she sees the Papers, she will wish she Had. The world is very C-r-u-e-l. So are the Other papers.
Here we have the House manager. He says he Is being robbed. While he is in Business, he will not be lonely if that is true. He is counting up with the Show Manager. The Show manager also says he is being robbed. Why don't they go To the Police? The Show manager says there Were Nineteen tickets in the Box. The house manager says there were only Seventeen. One of the men is Lying; which one is it? Let us count the tickets and See. Oh! there are eighteen. Then they were both lying. Well, they are both Managers.
Now we see the Heavy lady. The manager says she is a Light weight. He calls her that Because she has asked For her Salary Twice in Two days. Will she get her Salary? No; we do not think she will. To-night she will do a Shrieking stunt on the stage. To-morrow she will Do a serio-comic on the Hotel man, and then she will Have a walking part all the way back to Broadway.
Here we have the First-nighter. He comes to the First performance always. The fifth row Back for his. The manager Knows him. He knows all the actors and Calls them by their first names. He would like to belong to the Lambs' Club. After the Show is over he will tell the Manager, confidentially, just what he thinks about it. The Manager will listen very carefully and then Forget. Managers have excellent forgetories. But no Play ever succeeds unless it has the approbation of the first Nighter. One of them Told me that, confidentially, so it must be so.
The Table is Loaded. There is a real Fowl and a Roast. It is a Banquet scene. How the actors will enjoy a square meal; they will Think they have just got their back Salaries. Listen; the leading man says it is his Birthday feast. He has a Birthday every night and twice on Saturday. Now he is carving the fowl. Oh! Oh! it is a Pasteboard chicken! The roast is all wood and paint. But the wine; that looks very real. Oh, woe! the wine is Naught but Cold tea! How cruel of the manager to Fool the actors so. The Table is loaded, but Not so the Actors. At least, not at this kind of a Table.
The Kind gentle lady is crying. She is the Actor's landlady. She spends half the day picking up cigarette stumps from the Floor of the actor's room. It is a labor of love that she does, for she thinks the actor is the Most beautiful ever. Such nice Manners as he has, and he is always so Immaculate. But why is the Little lady crying? Ah, it is because the Actor is very Poor. He is always waiting for money from Home, but his people are forgetful. No; he has not Paid his rent for Many a day. When he pays up will the lady stop Crying? We fear not, for she will have been in her Grave long since.
See the tall Negro. Is not his uniform Gorgeous? What is that he is Saying? Ah, it is, "Foourr, elseven, emniine," Do you not understand that he is calling the Carriages? No; it is not necessary for Him to make such a Noise, but it is very impressive. Why does he use a Megaphone? Because the Drivers would hear him plainly if he did not and the Carriages would get Away too soon to Make a great impression.
This is a Theatrical photograph. How lovely is the Young woman; how pensive. She looks like the Madonna. So kind; so good and so sweet. Does the picture resemble the Actress? Certainly not. Her best friends would Not know it was a photo of Her. That is right, Johnny; draw a Mustache on the face. Do not put a beard on Her. Only managers are Allowed to Beard actresses. Why did the Lady take the pictures if they do Not look like her? Perhaps she wants to look good anyway. Yes; the Photographer knows his business. He is a Scotchman and Very canny. He talks with a Burr.
Here we see the Deluded heroine. She has been Deserted by her Cru-el and faithless Lover. See how Poorly she is clothed. She is trying to Make an honest living selling Matches. It is snowing and the poor Girl must sleep on the Doorstep. She is starving; but Why does she not Pawn her diamond rings? Hush! they are heirlooms. No, Johnny; if she got a Divorce and became a Chorus girl she would Spoil the whole Show. Then the manager would be Very angry. Managers are not Always considerate.
This man is in a Hurry. He will push the Lady out of His way. That is Right, because the Lady should have Seen him Coming. He has stepped on the Lady's dress! Will he say "excuse me"? Certainly not. How unnecessary, and besides he is in a Hurry. Why does he Hurry so? Because he is very Thirsty. Thirst is a Dreadful thing. Little Children, never be Thirsty.
Here we have an engaged Couple. Are they not Very loving? See how accidentally he clasps her hand on the arm of the Chair. Now his nose is nestling in Her Hair. What lovely hair oil she uses. How immaculate is his Dress suit. It cost him Two whole dollars and a Half for the Evening. The Seats cost Him two Dollars. He gets eight per. How can he afford such luxuries? Oh, he will stand off his Landlady for a Week. Will the landlady mind that? No, the Landlady was young once herself. It was a long time Ago.
Do you see the Man who has just come in? How Important is his Bearing. He is going to take the seat next to you, Johnny, so you must be a Good boy. What a big man he is. He spreads over half your seat, and his Feet stick out in the aisle. He is sending the Usher to get him a Programme. How bored he looks; he must Have seen the play several times. See, he has stopped the Water-boy, and has taken Two glasses of Water. How interested he is in the Ladies who go up the Aisle. He must know a Great many of them. No; he is not the Manager, he is the Proverbial Dead-head.
Here we see the Stage Manager at rehearsal. How quietly he sits in his Chair. His voice is low and he never raises it; his manner is gentle. One of the ladies does not know her part. Notice how encouragingly the Manager speaks to her. He says the best Actresses are poor studies. Oh, one of the men has Forgotten a piece of Business. The low sweet voice of the Stage Manager is heard again. He wants to Know what the Blankety blank blank the Man means. Always keep your temper, children. A soft answer Turneth away Wrath, but a good stiff Punch is more often used. Be like the Stage Manager, little ones, and when you Die you will have lots of company.
What a large number of Letters. Yes; this is the Actor's mail. Tear some of the letters Open, and let us see who sent them. In this way we will save the Actor trouble and he will Love us. Here is one on Pink paper from Gwendoline. She says the Actor is her Idol. Isn't that nice of Gwendoline? All young girls should encourage the Poor Hard-working Actor with kind words. My! Here is one from Gwendoline's Mother. Perhaps she wants him to meet her daughter. No. She says he reminds her of an old Sweetheart, and will he go Driving with her in the Park! Here is a laundry bill Six months old. Throw it away, Johnny; the Actor will not want to see it. Another letter is from a woman who Wants to know when He is going to pay the alimony. We had better hang this One up where the rest of the Company can see It.
What lovely diamonds the Actress is wearing. See, she has them all over her. They Must have cost as Much as Five dollars. No; they are not imitation; that is a cruel slander started by a Rival. Perhaps it is the Base rival who steals the Actress's jewels every time they go to a New town. All actresses' diamonds are Real. They wouldn't wear Imitations. Oh, Horrors, no! But they are very unfortunate, for the Diamonds are often Stolen. Are they not Lucky to get them back?
This play is a Musical Comedy. It says so on the Bills. Bills are very useful, for they tell us a lot of Things we wouldn't know Otherwise. There are two Singing Comedians in the Play. See what Foolish antics they cut up. No, they are not Crazy; they are very, very funny. Listen; one of them is Saying a song. Is it not a shame That they Cannot sing! They would have beautiful voices if they could sing. But then they would not be called Singing Comedians.
This Man must be a Millionaire. He says he is only a Speculator. Why does he have Wads of Bills between his fingers? That is to show How many Good things he has met. He is a very kind and considerate Gentleman, for he will Sell you Better seats than you can get at the Box Office. They are so Cheap, too. Why, he almost gives them away. How does the Poor man make a Living? Isn't it real Mean of the Management to Try and Drive the Nice Speculator out of Business? And they Try so Hard, too! How does the Speculator get the Tickets if the Management don't want him to? Well, perhaps You will Know when You grow up, because this is the age of Miracles. Most likely he uses Psychic power.
Here is a voice. It comes from an Aperture in the Face of the Girl sitting behind me. I am glad the voice is very loud and Shrill, because I can hear it above the Silly noise that is being made on the Stage. The Girl says she is an Intimate Friend of the Leading lady. The leading lady has advised her to have her voice cultivated. She is going to Do it, and then she is going on the Stage and Act! Little children, we should be very thankful that it Will take a Long time to Cultivate that Voice.
How quickly the Usher runs Down the Aisle with the Basket of Flowers. The curtain is coming down; he will be Too late. Ah, the curtain goes Up again. How Gracefully the Orchestra Leader hands the Flowers to the Leading Lady. What a look of Surprise and pleasure is on her face. What a pretty Bow she makes to the Box. Does she Know any one in the Box? Dear me, no. Then where do the Flowers come from? Did the Lady order the Flowers herself? Children, you ask too many questions.
This is the Child Actress. She is just the Cutest Ever. So childish, and such a good little Actress. She is only seven. Her manager says she is the Wonder of the Age. She can act even better than the Leading lady. Her salary is very Big, for she has to Keep her poor old Mother. See, she is winking at the young Lady in the Box. How much alike they are. Yes, they are Mother and Daughter. But the young Lady is too young a thing to have a Child. Well?
Here we have the Seat in the Gallery. Is it not Lovely; and so cheap. It and its counterparts are occupied by True Lovers of Art. They are poor, and cannot Afford to sit downstairs. The Gallery Seat has many Charms. There is no room for One's knees, so one cannot grow out of one's clothes while watching the Show. The Fire Commissioner allows Poor People to sit in the Aisles in the Gallery. Is he not Kind?
This is the Water Boy. He is a very Smart little fellow, and hopes some day to be an Actor. He has many Glasses of water. The people are Thirsty; they all call and beckon to him. How strange that he does not Respond. No; it is not strange either. The poor Little Fellow is both Deaf and Blind. That is why he Got the Job.
This young man is Smiling. He is listening to a Group of real actors. He smiles because he is in such Distinguished company. He is Hoping that some of his Friends will see Him. Perhaps his Best girl will pass by. Is he a Thespian? What a Silly question. No; he is a Clerk in a shoe store. He gets Nine dollars and fifty cents Every week. Listen; he says his Mother's brother's Great uncle was the son of an Actor. He was on the Stage once himself, he says. Was it the Landing stage at Ellis Island? Now he is lending the actors Money. He says he is Tickled to death. So are the Actors. They may get him Passes to the Show—if they don't forget.
Who is this Stately chocolate lady? She must be the Queen of Dahomey. How haughty is her Mien; how Proud, how Superior. The vulgar Stage hands call her Little Eva. What does she do On the Stage? She is the Leading lady's maid. No Leading lady could act if she had not got a Maid. A maid is an Absolute necessity. Also, she is sometimes Useful. She can tell in One minute whether her Mistress' hat is on Straight or not. What else does she Do? Oh, she carries the Poodle. Some day she Will help herself to too much of the Actress' cologne and will Get caught with the Goods. Then there Will be Another chocolate Drop on the Sidewalk.
What a Loud voice the Boy has. Yes; he is a Call boy. What are his Functions? Why, he Calls upon the actors to Act, of course. Then again, he Smokes cigarettes. Why does he Call the leading man "Charlie"? Because he has Known him a long, long Time; as much as Two weeks! Sometimes the Boy is condescending and gives the actors Tips on how to act. He tells them confidentially how Rotten the others are. He says he Thinks the ingenue is a Stupid child! Perhaps she Slapped his face when he tried to Kiss her. Emulate the Call boy, children. He knows more about the Business than Any one else.
What Beautiful figures these Two men have. The figures are on paper. They represent the Enormous profits made by the Show. Later they will be published in the Papers. The public will Be told how enormously Successful the Show has been. There are Other figures over on the Table. There is nothing beautiful about the Second set. What are they for? They are to reckon the Royalty on. The Royalty goes to the Man who wrote the play. Are either set of figures correct? Ask the managers.
You must always believe what you see in the Papers. This paper says the Show has made a big Hit. What does that Mean? Does it mean that the management has been hit? Or the public? The paper says the Leading lady is a Dream. Dear me! Did you Ever have Bad Dreams? Why, this must be a Press notice; there's a drawback in every Line. Good press notices swell the Box office receipts. Yes; and sometimes they Swell the press agent's Head.
Hark! Do you Hear the real Fire bells? Oh, see the real Fire engine dash across the Stage! The horses move Almost as quickly as a Broadway car. How red the real Flames are. Yes; the Gas bill will be very High. Do not scream, children; no one will get Burnt. This is not a Real fire; there is no Smoke. The show is Certainly a Hot one. It will be Hotter to-morrow—after the Critics have Roasted it. The programme says the Fire scene is marvellously Realistic. Let us Light two or three programmes and Throw them into the aisle. There! Do you notice any Difference?
See the Gallery usher. He must be Very tired, for he leans indolently against the doorpost. Perhaps he does not like his High station. How Graceful is his pose; how airy his demeanor. His clothes are shabby—or perhaps it is a new style. We will Ask him to Take us to our seats. Surely you Did not expect him to Move? Oh, no; he would Not think of doing That. Instead, he waves His hand gracefully. He says, "First two, first row." How kind! We will not disturb his rest. But if you will tap his forehead Gently with a Brick, Johnny, he may wake up.
Let us listen to the Popular song. It is being sung by a Charming damsel. No; Johnny, we are not referring to the Song but to the Singer. The song ends in oo-oo-oo. Isn't it a Masterpiece! And the music sounds like yellow hosiery. How sublimely entrancing! The song is a Great success. Everybody will Buy several copies. The song is popular because it ends in oo-oo-oo! No one cares for the rest of the words. Noble words like These will make any Song popular. If you are a Genius, Clara, you will write an oo-oo-oo song.
This is the Man who plays the Drums. How short he is—and how Fat. He has three Kettle drums, a tenor and a bass. Sometimes he is a Cuckoo clock. Oh, listen! Now he is a church Bell. Pretty soon he will Play on some sticks of Kindling wood tied together. Isn't he clever? Music seems to come from His finger tips. How deft he is. Of course, he has never upset a Sugar bowl, Johnny. How did he Get his Wonderful Musical education? Perhaps it was drummed into him. His wife says She can't get him to Practise on the kindling Wood at home. What a pity.
Isn't this a cute Little envelope? It contains the Actor's salary. The actor has Told his friends just what Salary he is getting. This looks like a Very small envelope to hold Such a Large sum. Maybe it is in very large bills. Actors often do get large Bills. Shall we look at the Figures on the outside of the Envelope? No; we Might be disappointed in the actor If we did. Perhaps the actor will Pay back the Fiver he borrowed, now that he Has got his salary. Can you define the Word "perhaps," children?
Who are all these People standing around? Oh, this is a booking Agency; a place where They put your name in a Book. Let us listen to what The people say. From their Talk they must be the Greatest actors and actresses in the Country. No doubt that is Correct. This large man says he has Made more great Hits than any Other actor in the Land. Is a touch a hit? Surely these Great Artists do not come Here looking for Work. Dear me, no; they Just drop in to get their Mail.
Do you Notice the chilly feeling, children? Yes; the lady Star has Quarrelled with the Manager. She says she will Have her friends Back on the stage Whenever she likes. The manager says it is against the Rules. Why is he So angry about a little Thing? Why, don't you know? One of the friends was a Particular friend. The manager likes to be The particular friend himself. Will he fire the pretty Lady star? No; they will have Supper together and all will be Serene. If he should Fire the pretty lady they Would both go Broke.
The monologue artist is a Funny fellow. His salary is very Large and he is the Real thing. If a joke is not funny he will Tell it over and Over again. All vaudeville people Think it is a Sin to waste a good Joke. Can you tell Me where the Monologue artist Gets his jokes from? No; no one knows that, but He is very fond of Reading ancient Roman books. You would Never think it from his Talk, would you? Oh, never!
Why is this Man called the Low comedian? Is it because he Comes high? How humorous are his Antics on the stage! On the Street he looks like a Belated funeral. See what a curt Nod he gives the Leading man as they Pass each other. Are they not Good friends? Oh, yes, they are Very good friends, but the Comedian thinks the Show would be Much better if the leading man were Out of the Cast. Is the comedian Jealous then? No. Actors are never jealous.
What a wonderful thing is the Positively last appearance! The Great singer is going to Retire. We must Hurry up and get seats so that We can hear her. Do not delay or we will Miss a great Treat. Is it not nice of the Singer to give a farewell tour? So considerate! We remember that she did it when Mother was young. Perhaps, when we have Grand-children, she will give a Farewell tour for them. Do great singers never Grow old? No; people who give Last appearances grow younger every day.
Children, observe the Curtain. Is it not a work of Art? The painting on it is very, very beautiful. The Art is so far above us that we cannot Tell what the Picture is meant for. Is that a Horse in the lower corner? Surely it is. How strong the horse is. His limbs are like Iron. They look it! Why has the Lady with Pink hair got on a Green sheet? That's a very simple question. The Painter was an Irishman and so by Putting a fold of the Sheet over the Lady's head he got the Green above the Red. Patriotic painter!
What a crush in the Lobby. The handsome couple are Hurrying to Catch their train. The man behind has Caught the lady's train for her. He says, "Excuse me." The lady Smiles and says it is no Matter. She whispers to her Husband. She says, Blankety blank Ham bones! Is she not a great linguist? The lady in the Pretty dress in Front of her is Lifting her skirt very High. She does not want to get it Dirty. What long stockings she Has. How angry she would Be if she Thought we had Noticed.
What a beautiful Hat the lady has on. It cost Thirty-five dollars. She is going to sit down. Will she take the Hat off? Dear me, no! That would be Wasting Thirty-five Dollars. See the Pretty Flowers and Plumage. How much more beautiful They are than the Old scenery on the Stage. How kind of the Lady to keep her Hat on so that every one can Admire it. That is right, Johnny; make paper balls and throw them at the Hat. Try to hit the Lady on the Ear. She likes playful children. See, there is another Lady with a hat on. This is not a Play; it is a Millinery Display.
Now, children, you must be very Quiet for we are Up in the Flies and the Performance is going On. Do you know what those ropes are? They are to Pull the scenes up and down. Isn't there a lot of Dust up here? Yes; but it is nothing to the Dust the Manager would raise if He knew we were up Here. It is not at all Necessary for the manager to raise the Wind in order to raise a Dust. Oh, dear me, no. Why do they Call the place the Flies? Because the scenes fly up and Down. Loosen the ropes, Clara. Yes, three of them. There, do you see how it is Done? But what is that Noise on the stage? Come, children, I think we had Better go.
What a very Nice-looking man that is, sitting Next to you, Harry. He looks so happy, too. Is he Talking to himself? No, no, silly, he is just Humming the airs of the Opera. He does that so that We will know that He has heard the Music before. How thoughtful of Him. Pretty soon he Will begin to tell the Lady he is with just what is Going to happen. Naturally she will enjoy the play much Better after he does that. But would it not Be a nice thing to Repay him for his Trouble? Suppose we hit him With a Brick when he comes out. That will be a Thoughtful thing to do.
Who is the Handsome man in the Beautiful greasy overalls? Is it not the Man we saw on the Street car that Every one took for an Actor? What is he Doing here on the Stage at so Early an hour? Ah! little children, he is a poor but Honest scene-shifter, and he is About to go to Work. Can any one tell where He got the Lovely clothes he Wore in the Car? No? Well, we will not Press the question, and The clothes have already been pressed.
Can you tell me What that thing is Right in front of the Gallery? Clever boy, Johnny; it is the Calcium light. It is used to Make pretty colors on the Stage. When the very Interesting scene is on, the Man who runs it will take particular trouble to Get in the way of the People behind him. Why does he Do this? Is it Simply because he is a Calcium man? But you ought to See how Brave and lion-like he is When he has Forgotten to Throw the Spot light on the Star. He is Very considerate of the Audience, oh, yes, but He doesn't care a Hang for the Manager.
Hold your breaths, Children, this is Going to be a dark change. All the lights have gone out, so we Will not be able to See the things on the Stage. Do you see anything with White shirt sleeves Running across the Stage? Ah! See the Table get up and Walk off. The scenes are Swinging around and Disappearing. How funny it is that we think we See things. Of course we don't, for this is a Dark change. Biff! the lights have Been lit again. Why does the man in the White shirt sleeves run off the Stage in such a Hurry?
Have you noticed the Wires under your seats, children? They are called Hat Racks. Some silly people say they Are nerve racking. They are put under The seats to hold person's Hats. It Never takes more than fifteen Minutes to get a hat into one, but You can get a hat out in Half an hour! If you want to Make your Tall hat look like a Derby put it In a hat rack. The man who Invented them knew how to take Care of a hat, for the Rack is so arranged that the Hat will fall down on to the Dusty floor, just when somebody is Going to stick his Feet out under your Chair.
Wait till all the Other folks are gone, my dears, so that we can See the Sweeper. Ah, here he is. He is the man who sweeps out the Theatre. Notice how gently he Puts the chair seats up. If any one should lose their Diamonds, and he Were to find them, would He turn them in at the Box office? Of course he would! Sometimes he Finds umbrellas. What does he do with those?—Ah, well, even the poor should Lay something away for a Rainy day. The Box-office man will Tell you that the Sweeper once found a set of False teeth and Turned them in.
Here we have the Foreign Artiste. See; a reporter is going to Interview her. She says bon jour to the Reporter. That is so he will Know she is French. If we listen we will hear Her talk about "gay Par-ee and ze Nobilitee she have met on ze Continong." What a beautiful accent she Has. The reporter is Smiling. When he comes out he Will say that she was Born in Ireland and that her Right name is Murphy. But then, of course, Reporters always think they Know everything. Ah, the Foreign Artiste has lost her Handkerchief. Is the language she Uses now, French?
The really Great Actress is going to Europe. Her friends are all down to See her off. They have brought huge Bunches of flowers labelled "Bon Voyage." With all the Candy she has, she ought to have a bon bon Voyage. She will go to London first, she Says. Will she stay in London long? Oh, yes; she will get a Little room in Bloomsbury and Cook her own meals. When she comes Back she will tell of the Delightfully Bohemian customs of the English. Will she enjoy her Trip to Europe? Rahther!
Oh, look! the actor is putting on his Shirt. Don't you remember how Clean and white it Looked last night? But this shirt is Dirty. Or are these stains of toil? Surely the Actor will not wear this shirt Again. Do not take too much for Granted, children. Clean shirts are a Very expensive Luxury. If the actor were a Manager now, he Might wear a clean shirt Every night. Managers always have Money, but Actors put so Much in the Bank that they can not afford many Clean shirts. And, besides, what's the use?
Did you notice the Check room? Isn't it a lovely arrangement? There is Absolutely no charge. The programme says so. When you check your Overcoat, Johnny, be sure and Leave your change in the Pocket. Then you will know Where it is. Do not think of Asking for your Overcoat again Until the next morning. You might inconvenience the Boy in charge if you did and then he Might make you Wait. There is no Charge for checking, but If you were to Give the Boy anything for himself he Would be very grateful. He might even say Thank you.
This is a Sad sight that greets us, Little children. Do you know What it is? It is the newspaper man who has to Go to all the Theatres every night. He must do this so that If there is anything doing it will be In the papers. Is there anything Doing to-night? Yes; the Actors are doing the Managers and the Managers are doing the public. Do the public Like to be done? There is no such thing as the Public, children; each Man thinks he is too wise to be Done. But the newspaper man; what About him? Ah, that is the Sad part of it. The press agents Do him every time they Get a chance.
Let us look into the actor's Trunk. It has just been Brought up to the Dressing room. The poor actor; he must have Packed his trunk in a Great hurry. See; here is a Panama hat that he Wears in the First scene, right on Top. The place for hats is the Bottom of the trunk. Johnny, take the Things all out and We will re-pack the trunk. There now; that's much better. Everything that was on top is now on the Bottom. How Glad the actor will be when he sees what We have done. He will come in in a Hurry and will be Tickled to death. In spite of his hurry He will try to find us so that he can Thank us.
The hotel Clerk has been to see the Show. He is trying to Make an impression on the Soubrette. He sent her a Big bunch of Flowers and a Little note. He would like to Take her to Supper. Does he Know the Soubrette? Oh, dear, no. He has never seen her Off the stage. He will wait at the Stage door for Her and will Wear a big Carnation in his Buttonhole. The man With the broad Shoulders will be there, Too. The Soubrette will call the Latter "Pop" and will introduce the two Men. Then the Hotel clerk will say how Pleased he will be to Buy supper for Three.
Step softly, children dear; the actor is dying. He has played many parts in his life and has made many enemies. Some of them are gathered round him now; the others have always been his friends. Once he was rich, but of late he has been poor. His friends and enemies alike have helped him. They have given their services at benefits and have visited him. Some who have spoken harshly of him are sorry now, and they say so. Are there many people as good to their kind as actors and actresses?
Hyphenation inconsistencies: Both "Bald-headed" and "Baldheaded" are used in this text.