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Susan Gets Ready for Church

Price 25 Cents
PAINE’S
MONOLOGUES

Mac KENZIE

PAINE PUBLISHING CO.
DAYTON, OHIO

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A Monologue

BY
EDNA I. MAC KENZIE
Author of
“As Our Washwoman Sees It,”
“The Country Cousin Speaks Her Mind,” “That Awful Letter,”
“A Double Tragedy, Almost.”

—————

Copyright 1920, by
PAINE PUBLISHING COMPANY

—————

PAINE PUBLISHING COMPANY
DAYTON, OHIO

SUSAN GETS READY FOR CHURCH

Susan—Rushes in, sits down at a table and looks disgustedly at her breakfast.

Mother, what in the world did you let me oversleep for anyway? This toast is all dried up, (Takes top off egg) and just look at that egg; it’s as hard as a rock and if there’s anything I detest, it’s a hard-boiled—(In surprise) You did call me? Oh, of course, but that was ages ago and you know I always take another nap after the first—Am I going to church? (With sarcasm) Well, what do you think I am! A lightning change artist, to be able to get ready in about five seconds! (takes a bite of toast). I know it’s just a quarter after ten but I simply couldn’t get dressed in less than an hour and church begins at eleven. Besides I haven’t had my breakfast yet. (Takes a drink and makes a wry face). Goodness, but this coffee is awfully strong. It tastes as though it had been boiling for hours. It’s enough to poison—(pause).

Oh, a returned missionary is going to speak? Then I’m glad I’m not going, for if there’s anything I hate to have to listen to, it’s a missionary sermon. They have generally forgotten how to speak the English language and keep saying A-a-h-uh until they get the word they’re after. I counted[4] two hundred and fifty-three A-a-h-uh’s in that address that man from China—(indignantly) I don’t see why I should be ashamed of myself. I had to do something to keep awake. And they’re always begging for money, too.

The heathen don’t need it nearly as badly as I do. Why, I had to pay ten dollars for my new hat alone, while they can clothe themselves on that many cents.

Madge got her new hat home last night! And she told me the milliner couldn’t possibly have it ready for to-day. To think she’d lie to her best friend like that! (jumps up hurriedly).

That settles it; I’ll simply have to go to church now, missionary or no missionary, (pause).

Why, mother, the very idea, when you know I’ve had mine for two whole days. I wouldn’t let her get ahead of me for the—(pause).

Here Jimmie, (stoops and takes off shoes) give these shoes a shine and I’ll give you a nickel.

(Indignantly) Your conscience won’t let you do it for less than ten cents because it’s Sunday! Whoever heard of the like! First time I knew you had a conscience.

Well, I guess I’ll have to give it to you then, but it will have to come out of my collection, so remember, it’s the church you’re robbing, not— (Puts hand up to hair.)

Oh, I forgot, my hair isn’t done yet, I must run up and do it; I’ll never get ready in time.

(Takes down hair, brushes and puts it up, talking continuously.) Say, I’d like to know who’s been swiping my hair-pins! I just bought a box last week and now there’s only four—(calls) Bess—ie! Have you taken my hair-pins? (Pause.) Well, you needn’t snap my head off. I saw you slitting the pages of your book with one, I know. Come and hunt me up some of mother’s, then. Hurry, or I’ll be late. (Pause.)

You can find only one? Thanks, now run down and take a couple out of mother’s hair, she won’t mind. Be quick.

(Pause.) She says her hair will come down? Well, tell her to bundle it under a boudoir cap.

(Pause.) Oh, Bessie, you’re a dear. Now get my dress for me; it’s hanging on the nail behind the closet door. (Pause.) No, not that one, that color wouldn’t go with my new hat at—

(Pause.) You can’t find it? Oh, dear, I guess I’ll have to hunt for it myself. (Takes a few steps and searches frantically.)

There, (slipping it over her head) it was just exactly where I told you it was—hanging behind the door, under my suit skirt, that dress and my georgette crepe waist.

It was there all the time, but some people are so afraid of looking for anything for fear they might find it. Now fasten it up for me.

(Calls.) Jim—mie, hurr—(Jumps.) Ouch! You’re sticking a pin in me. Do be more careful. (Calls as she fixes her dress.)

Mother, get my collection ready for me, please. I can just give a nickel since Jim—(Pause.) Oh, my purse is in one of my boxes in the side. (Pause.) There are five boxes? I don’t know which one it’s in; look in them all. (Pause.) Not in any of them? Oh, I know now. I left it in my coat pocket. It’s hanging on the hall-rack.

There goes the first bell, I’ll never get—Nothing in it less than a dollar bill? Well, I’ll not give that, that’s one thing certain. Lend me a nickel to tide me over—

Oh, Bessie, run and get me a handkerchief out of my box. (Pause.) None there? Then get me one of yours. (Pause.) Yes, mother, I’m coming down.

Oh, dear, where’s my hymn-book? I left it on top of[7] those books last Sunday. I guess it’s fallen behind. (Pulls out books.) No, it isn’t here. Where—

Oh, Bessie, will you hunt up my gloves? (Pause.) No, I haven’t the least idea where they are. Look in that drawer. (Pause.) Not there? Then look in the writing—Oh, I remember, I left them over to Edith’s. I simply can’t go to church without them, so run and get them. Hurry, I’m late now.

(Calls) Jimmie, aren’t those shoes done yet? Mother, do make him hurry. I’ll nev—

I suppose I might be putting on my hat while I’m waiting. (Puts it on carefully.) Mother, which way do you like it best? This way, (Jerks it to the left.) or this? (Jerks it to the right.) You like it best on straight? But mother, it must have a dip or it won’t be in style. There, (Jerks to the left and examines critically.) I like it that way best. The way that curl pokes out is too cute for—Where’s my fancy hat-pins gone? You can’t keep anything around this place. I’ll have to take Bessie’s.

(Calls.) Oh, Jim—mie, do get a move on! (Severely.) Don’t get into such a temper. How did I know you were coming.

You’d think—oh, oh, look at my hands; they’re all over shoe polish. I’ll have to wash them again.

(Indignantly) Jimmy Smith, the idea of saying it’s my own fault. I couldn’t waken if nobody called me, could I? You ought to be so thankful that you have a sister who’s anxious to go to church that you’d do anything to help her get ready.

Has any one found my hymn-book yet? Never mind, I’ll get one at the door as I go—

Oh, here you are, Bessie. I thought you were never coming. (Takes gloves and starts to put one on.)

These aren’t my gloves; they’re Edith’s, and she takes a half size smaller than I do. No, you haven’t time to go back and get mine so I’ll have to wear them, but they’ll be a pretty tight fit. (Pause.)

Well, just look at that! Split right down the middle. They must be awfully poor kid. I didn’t think she’d buy such cheap things. I’ll have to hide the tear with my handker—

Oh, there goes the last bell. I’ll be most awfully late, likely they’ll be finishing the first hymn.

I think you people might have helped me more. One good thing, Madge can’t miss seeing me. Oh, I’m going off without my handkerchief. Run and get it for me, Jimmie.

Mother, are you sure my hat’s on straight? Wouldn’t it be awful if Madge weren’t out after all!

GOING TO MEET AUNT HATTIE. A dialogue by Mrs. Hunt. For 1 male and 3 female characters.

LOST DOG, THE. An excellent comic dialogue with following cast: Mr. Taylor, owner of the dog; Mrs. Taylor; Billy, their son; Chinaman, Dutchman, Irishman, and Mr. Smith.

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PETERTOWN PROPOSAL, THE. A dialogue for two small children, a boy and a girl.

REVIEWING FOR EXAMINATION. By Chas. McClintic. 1 male, 2 female characters.

SILENT INTRUDER, THE. By Eugene Harold. A comic dialogue for two male characters. You should see the clerk placed under the hypnotic spell.

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POOR RELATION, THE. A comic dialogue in two parts, for five male characters. This dialogue shows that promises do not amount to much. It is what one does that counts.

SCHOOL AFFAIRS IN RIVERHEAD DISTRICT. Characters: Teacher, children, and Board of Education. In four scenes.

SCHOOL GIRL’S STRATEGY, A. A humorous dialogue for one male and eight female characters, and as many more school girls as convenient. Three interior scenes, one representing a school-room. One girl who has been writing essays for the other girls, on this occasion writes them all alike. Lot of fun. Eight copies for fifty cents.

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The Project Gutenberg eBook, Susan Gets Ready for Church, by Edna I. MacKenzie

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