At Hotel On-de-Blink, by George P. Seiler—A Project Gutenberg eBook

Produced by: Charlene Taylor, Krista Zaleski and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)

CHARACTERS

PROPERTIES

Newspaper on counter. Lamp on counter—lighted. Grip for S. L. Case to carry. Baby—big doll—for Gretch to fetch on.

Hans Seitz. Suit much too large, very loose collar, small tie, red handkerchief. Made up partly bald head, Dutch chin whiskers. Wears glasses. Character very good when played by a very stout person.

Gretch. Dutch basque costume. Black basque, red skirt, white apron, white cap and stockings, black shoes. Wear hair braided down back in two plats. Should be made up ruddy complexion and use brogue throughout.

Samp L. Case. Every day business (loud) suit. Made up healthy, clean shaven. Carries grip.

Antonio Bootlashoesa Morecheesa, of the lower class Italian. Old coat, slouch hat, much worn. Pants too large in waist. Old shoes. Made up olive complexion, ten day growth beard.

Weber Fields, the typical lazy darky. Large mouth. Wears blue shirt, old pants and shoes.

Rusty Ruffles, the characteristic tramp life. Old clothes, a piece of hat, short, stumpy beard.

Miss Gotrox. A seashore beauty. Dressed all in white. Carries sunshade. Dainty and inclined to flirt.

Archibald Nutt, the effeminate variety. Ruddy complexion, sport shirt open far down in front, red tie. White trousers, sox and shoes. Must be played sissyfied and affected to be effective.

SCENE I.—An interior, full depth of stage. Doors L. C., in flat, R. 1 E., R. 2 E., L. 1 E., and L. 2 E. A counter runs along the back from right wall to C., and there is a chair up L., on the other side of the door at back. Between doors R. 1 E. and R. 2 E. there is a hat-rack, and at L. C., half-way down stage, there is another seat.

Hans. Vere iss id? Vere iss id? For vy you don’t sbeak, shut up, talk louder, don’t say a vord? (Pause.) Vell?

Gretch. You lose your mind from der head oud? I bane tink ven any one loses der mind dey don’t find it so easily. Vere iss der boarders?

Hans. As long as you pay your bill here, I don’t care. Wrote id down here. (Case writes. Hans looks at signature.) Samp L. Case, vot’s in er name?

Case (to Tony). Now, wait, don’t say it so fast. The old gent here, he is the proprietor, you know.

Case. Well, you see, he owns the hotel. He wants your name right. Tell him slow.

Tony (naming local street with car line of the same name). Tree-a-six-ateen —— (name street).

Tony. Shure. I see ma brudder’s house mark-a tree-a-six-ateen. One-a man on-a front, one man on-a back. Son-a-ma gum, firs’ ting I-a know, da house move off. I tell-a heem, meester, meester, stop-a queek-a, ma brudda’s house run away.

Tony. Street car? Leesten. I came-a here by-a da train. Dees-a train gotta a green-a flag on da back. What’s a mean da green flag?

Tony (pointing to baby). Look-a, meester. Leetla baba gotta green cap. Meen-a all same ting like-a train?

Hans (taking letter). Goot news? I bet diss hotel to a beanut dot id iss anodder bill. (Opens letter and reads.) Hooray, Gretch, look vot id iss. (Reads from letter.) “Hotel ‘On-de-Blink’: Gents, der Gount de Slob iss draveling in-cog, und vill stop at your hotel. Blease commoderate him.” (Lays letter on desk.) I vant to ask you someding.

Hans. Yah; dot letter says he iss draveling in-cog. Don’t dot iss id a machine?

Hans. Oh, ho, den dere iss no cogs, eh? (Enter Rusty Ruffles unobserved by others and reads letter, pantomiming that the idea of impersonating the count has occurred to him. Exits, D. C. Hans, during above action by Ruff.) Here you, Dony Bootchee.

Weber. Right dis-a-way, Count, right dis-a-way. (Hans makes a dash to get behind counter as Ruff. enters pompously.) I reckon dis is de place. (Turns to Hans.) Is diss de Hotel “On-de-Blink”?

Weber (aside). Dat’s what hit looks like. (To Hans.) Well, dis yer is de Count de Slob. (Aside.) As no ’count as dey come.

Hans. Gentlemen, diss iss id der Gount de Slob. (Case and Tony give Ruff. disgusted looks.) Der gentlemens has came a long vay. A long chourney. Iss diss (pointing to Weber) your vallet?

Ruff. Everything, I said. I’d like to know what you ever saw that would not freeze?

Case (reading paper). Landlord, I see here a notice that John Smith had died and was buried yesterday. What John Smith was that?

Hans. Yah, I vent by der funeral too. Everyding vas vite. Vite goffin, vite hearse, und all der drimmings.

Ruff. Of course; dat’s why all brides dress in white. White! Why, man, dat is de color of joy. Ain’t her weddin’ de mostest joyous occasion of a woman’s life?

Ruff. Do you know that a terrible thing happened to me last week one night? I was making a strategic retreat from a dance. I had the misfortune to rip my trousers. Just as I was going round the corner I see a sign in a tailor’s window. It read: Reveal yourself through your clothes.

Case. Talking about women, we’ve got them beat all hollow. They have no pockets to put their hands in.

Bell Hop (entering R. 1 E.). Sir, Miss Gotrox reports that the keyhole in her door is broken.

Ruff. Landlord, how about some fine fruit? By the way, in Seattle, last week, I ate some fine fruit that was delicious. I don’t remember its name, but it begins with “K.”

Weber. Got hisn goat is right. The goat is de most wunnerful insect dat swims on de land. It comes in fifty-seven varieties. Angora goats, Irish goats, goat-tees, lodge goats, political goats, and others.

Hop (entering R. 1 E.). The cook is complaining that you paid him off with dirty money. He says that he wants clean money.

Weber. I thought so. Those London tailors couldn’t make a coat of paint fit a hen-coop.

Hop (coming to door excitedly). Sir, there’s a big accident down at the corner.

Ruff. (as all start to run off). Hold on, gentlemen. What’s the use of going? The aviator is not guilty.

Ruff. No, no. I’ll bet my eye-tooth against a square meal that the cow failed to blow her horn.

Weber (stepping over Case’s grip). I’se jes’ gittin’ over de grip. No, I’ll tell you. Ma gal’s daddy give her an automobile.

Weber. Well, dat gal jes’ loves dat machine to deaf; she ain’t got no time fer me.

Ruff. Gentlemen, there’s another instance where man is being replaced by machine.

Case. Well, Darwin is the man who tried to prove that man is descended from a monkey.

Ruff. (looking intently first at one then the other). Take Tony here for instance. Do you think he is descended from a monkey?

Hans. Gentlemens, don’t forgot dot ve turns off der gas in diss hotel at ten o’clock.

Weber. Nobody. One night his gal tole him about de cost ob some ob her gowns. De engagement jes’ sagged in de middle.

Case. Well, before I was married, my wife talked the same way. But now,—why, man, you never saw a more economical woman. She doesn’t waste a thing.

Case. Why, sir, if it’s edible, she uses it in hash; if it isn’t, she uses it for hat trimmings.

Weber. Hold up your right hand. (Hans holds up his left.) I said your right hand.

Hop (entering). Sir, you have ordered “gold” soup for dinner. The cook wants to know how to make it. What he shall put into it?

(Song by Ruff. During song Weber turns up wick of oil lamp that has been burning on counter until it smokes freely.)

Hans. You see, I yoost landed from der boat off. Der first ting a fellow handed me a card und I don’t know somedings yet, so I gif me dot card to a boliceman. He tells a schmall poy to come mit me und ve goes by dot blace on der card. Ach, a man dakes der card und shoves me inside. Anudder fellow tell me to remove mine clothes. Ven I gets dem off he shoves me into a room und—ach du lieber—I puts me mine foot on der floor und you bet I yump. I put me mine hand on der vall und ach, such a hotness. In a few minutes a fellow shouts by der door in: “Vas you sweating?” Ach[Pg 14] himmel, vas I sweating? Ach himmel, I bet if I don’t get out purty kervick I drip oud by der drain bipe. I feel I yoost like a sdreet sprinkler. Den dot fellow comes in und rubs me down mit a currycomb. Ven he had all der skin scrabed off, he says: “Are you purty veil done?” I told him I don’t know, take a fork und turn me over on der odder side. Den, oh, chee—he shoves me into a dank of ice varter. (Shivers.) Dot vas den year ago, und every time I dink about id I get der shakes.

Hop (entering D. L.). Schultz, room fifty-nine says send him a pousse-café and charge it.

Ruff. Landlord, where’s that fine little kitten you had the last time I was here?

Weber. Well, firs’ dey is jes’ spring chickens, den dey’s suffragettes, den dey’s get to be ole hens.

Weber. Why, man, women ain’t got the intellectual habilitation ter hash up de political problems ob state. Even we men don’t know what we’re talkin’ ’bout half de time when we’s discussin’ politics.

Ruff. Whoopee, you shure is got some co-loboratory of words. I wonder if you could tell us de longest sentence in de English language? It contains about one hundred and forty words.

Hans. Only von? Iss id dot you means to tell us dot der longest sentence of der language has only von vord in id?

Weber. I mean to expostulate dat de longest sentence in de world has only one word therein it.

Hans (smiling and bowing). Aha, Miss Gotrox, you iss all dressed up now already yet.

Hans. Ach, yes, I bane like you all in vite. Vite hat, vite dress—vite shoes, vite sdockings.

Gretch. I bane tink mosquitoes vould nod bite a lady ven she haf vite sdockings on.

Gretch. At der church. I bane tink der man iss going to sbeak on der subject of “Favorite Hymns.”

Miss G. “Favorite Hymns”? Well, I’m not going to the lecture, but I’m hoping to meet my favorite him this evening.

Gretch. I bane tink if dot biano could dalk, it vould say: You haf blayed me false.

Hans. Gretch, you should nod sbeak dot way to Miss Gotrox. She iss a beautiful lady, und voman iss a great creation. Vy—man has taken a voman’s head to decorate our coin.

Case. Yes, and the milliner has taken quite a few of my coins to decorate a certain woman’s head.

Case. Say, landlord, there’s a hotel man down in New Orleans by the name of Seitz. Do you know him?

Ruff. What? Why, it seems to me that woman would sooner hear about the discovery of a new complexion cream than to learn of the invention of a torpedo-proof battle-ship.

Miss G. Why, certainly. When this world comes to its senses, battle-ships will not be needed, but a good complexion will be more in demand than ever.

Case. That may be true, but a sensible man would sooner have a woman just as nature meant her to be, without all that paint and powder.

Miss G. Yes, but there seems to be very few sensible men. There is art in a good complexion.

Case. And what art rivals nature? A little powder may change a complexion, but what art equals nature in her many changes? Take a waterfall for instance; how beautiful nature has made it, and then along comes winter and changes it into ice. What a remarkable change takes place.

Ruff. You shouldn’t mind dat pessimist, Miss Gotrox; he is always down in de mouth.

Miss G. You shouldn’t be that way. When you feel down in the mouth, think of Jonah; he came out all right.

Case. Miss Gotrox, what do you think Jonah thought when he found himself inside the whale?

Weber (interrupting). I bet he thought he went to sleep inside a foldin’ bed en she closed up.

Tony. ’At’s da madda you? You make-a fuss all-a time. You make-a fuss you no gotta fuss-a fuss about.

Case. That’s what I say, Tony. (To Weber.) How do you think men live in a submarine?

Hans. Yah—dot’s right; yoost tink of all der varter around dem. I bet many of dem dies vrom humidity.

Ruff. (not comprehending). Humidity? Why—er—I thought de papers said it was from dyspepsia.

Miss G. (she had been looking outside). I would like to go down town, but all the cars seem jammed. I wonder what makes them so crowded this evening.

Weber. Beggin’ your pardon, Miss, but I reckon hit’s de number ob passengers dey’s carryin’.

Nutt. Why, mother wants me to come in at eight o’clock, and I’ll do nothing of the kind.

Nutt. Yes, I will—be very naughty. I’ll go out with the boys and I’ll smoke cigarettes and I’ll use cuss words.

Miss G. Oh, Archie, be careful. Remember you’re in my company, and here is Mr. Case. I’m sure he doesn’t use naughty words.

Nutt. Well (pleasantly), if it will relieve you, Miss Gotrox, I’ll promise not to teach him any. (Others give Case[Pg 19] the laugh. Nutt, haughtily.) Well, what are you laughing at, me?

Miss G. Archie, I’m sure they would not laugh at you if they knew you were a historian.

Case. Well, there’s something I have been trying to find out for a long time. Maybe you can tell me. What was Washington’s Farewell Address?

Nutt (to Miss G.). Do you know that Weber’s intended father-in-law is the funniest little man you ever saw?

Weber. Say, talkin’ ’bout dat ole man. De odder day I had him out wif me an’ I los’ him in de crowd. I went up to a policeman and I axes him: “Hofficer, I’m looking for a little man wif one eye.” What do you think dat ole fool tole me? He said: “Mose, if he’s so small, why don’t you use two eyes?”

Hop (entering L. 1 E.). Sir, a gentleman in the dining-room sends his compliments and says the steak he is eating is the first tender steak he has ever eaten here.

Tony (who has been reading paper). Look-a dees. (Puzzled.) ’At’s a man-o’-war-ship?

Nutt (out of breath). Oh, goodness me, I’ve had a terrible experience. Oh, my!

Nutt. Scared? Oh, gracious, I’m frightened most to death. I was walking down the street with Miss Gotrox, when who did I see coming toward us but my sweetheart. Oh, my!

Ruff. (doubtfully). A girl in love with you? (To Weber, aside.) What must she think of him?

Nutt. Look like? She’s a perfect creation. (With sentiment.) The Great Creator formed all other women first so that He’d have the thing down to perfection when He came to her. From the dark stillness of the forest He took her eyes, hiding in each the twinkle of a star. From the gloomy wings of the raven He took her hair, and the beautiful tint of her cheek He took from the wild-flowers. Her teeth He took from the white snows of winter, and her lips are like the roses of the east that the west never saw. Her swiftness and grace He took from the antelope. Nobility from the eagle, and gentleness He took from the dove. Her smile He took from the sunrise. That is why her smile brings light and joy into my gloomy heart.

Weber. Dat’s jes’ de way He made my gal, but jes’ as He war finishin’ de job He drap her into de ink pot.

Nutt (screaming). Oh, how ridiculous. I’ll not stay another minute in your company.

Ruff. Smart? Why, dat’s hisn interleck. He’s more interleck den brains, en if he keeps on he’s goin’ ter be all interleck.

Weber. Say, I’se been tryin’ ter learn de alphabet. What comes after “G”?

Hans (tapping bell; enter Hop). Here, boy, here’s some good instructions on “How to run a hotel.” Please see that they are carried out.

Hans. Sure I vill. I know you’ll never pay it, so here’s vere ve haf a laugh at der bank’s expense. (Signs paper.)

Ruff. See here, nigger, dat travelin’ salesman’s job looks like an uplift to me.

Case (turning away from desk). Landlord, I saw, as I was coming into the hotel, what must have been a fine vegetable garden alongside of the hotel. Were you successful with it?

Hans. Successful? Yah, I bane tink so. My neighbor’s hens dook first prize at der boultry show.

Ruff. Aw, don’t I know all about de tricks of your trade? Do you think I’ve been living in hotels all my life for nothing?

Hop (entering R. 1 E.). Sir, the cook wants to know if he should cook your Welsh rarebit?

Gretch (going after boy). Here, vait. I bane tink I vant der left hind foot of dot rabbit.

Hans. You bane tink so? I bane teach him everyting I know, und he’s still an ignorant fool.

Case. Aw, say, are you all going to be pessimists? Wake up your optimism, why don’t you? Don’t you know that an optimist doesn’t care what happens?

Weber. If yo’ don’t put a check to dat interleck of yours, Mr. Landlord, you’ll be gettin’ concussion ob de brain.

Weber (to Ruff.). Say, does you know anything ’bout de symptoms of concussion ob de brain?

Weber. Well, if me en Mr. Case war ter bang our heads together, would we git concussion ob de brain?

Ruff. Me tell lies? Nothing. I’d ruther be er Christian den to lie or be a heathen.

Case. But Weber, you don’t understand that a Christian has a reward an’ a crown of glory.

Hop (entering L. 1 E.). Sir, a gentleman just walked out and refused to pay his lunch check.

Hop. Well, he ordered three eggs from the waiter and wanted them four minutes boiled.

Hop. There was only one egg in the house, and the cook boiled it twelve minutes.

Ruff. Well, listen. I’ll explain just what gratitude is. You remember when we was coming erlong de road in my limousine?

Ruff. You remember one day when we stopped for lunch, we heard a moaning longside of de road? ’Member dat I found a covered basket in de bushes, and on opening it there lay a real live pickaninny?

Ruff. Yes. Well, remember that it was very cold that day, and I took off my great fur-lined coat and lifting the little pickaninny out of the basket laid it into the warm folds of my coat and covered it over. Then when he got quite warm and comfortable, in the deepest sense of gratitude the little feller looked up at me and said——

A collection of short plays suited for amateur theatricals or high-class vaudeville, easy to produce and of high quality. Recommended especially for parlor performance.

A collection of short plays for two and three characters. Good quality, high tone and confidently offered to the best taste.

Comprising selections from “The Christmas Carol,” “The Cricket on the Hearth,” “The Battle of Life,” etc., arranged in a series of scenes to be given either singly or together, as an extended entertainment. For the celebration of Christmas no better material can be found.

One male, twelve females. Costumes, modern and eccentric; scenery, unimportant. Plays an hour and a quarter. Another of Mrs. Kelley’s popular assemblages of the floating humor of the Suffragette question. Just a string of humorous lines and characters and local hits aimed to raise a hearty laugh without hurting anybody’s feelings. Suited for women’s clubs and for general use in private theatricals.

Three males, three females. Costumes, modern; scenery, a single interior. Plays one hour. Three seminary girls go to the masquerade on the sly, get mixed up there with some students and have a narrow escape from detection. Their later anxieties are complicated by the fact that they discover that one of the younger members of their own faculty was also there; but this later suggests a plan by which they escape. Very bright and breezy and full of fun and action.

Five males, four females. Costumes, modern; scenery, one interior and one exterior. Plays an hour and a half. An elderly maiden, making a “flash” at a summer boarding-house, runs into a young artist with whom she has corresponded through a matrimonial bureau. He is an admirer of the landlady’s daughter and tells her the facts before the lady has seen him. She induces Roamer, a tramp house-painter, to exchange identities with his fellow artist with side-splitting results. A capital piece, full of humor and very easy. Recommended for schools.

A Play in Three Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Seven males, five females. Scenery, two easy interiors; costumes, modern. This is a play of exceptional interest and power. Admirably suited for amateur performance, all the parts being good. Godfrey is an admirable heavy part, Joel, Lem and Simon capital character parts, Mis’ Hazey a novel eccentric bit, and Oleander a part of screaming comedy. Plays two hours and a quarter.

A Play in Three Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Six males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenes, an interior and an exterior, or can be played in two interiors. Plays two hours or more. Combines a strong sympathetic interest with an abundance of comedy. The parts are unusually equal in opportunity, are vigorously drawn and easily actable. No dialect parts, but plenty of variety in the comedy roles and lots of amusing incident. Can be strongly recommended.

A Comedy in Three Acts by Gordan V. May. Six males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors and an exterior, not difficult. Plays two hours. An excellent piece, mingling a strongly serious interest with abundant humor. Offers a great variety of good parts of nearly equal opportunity. Admirably suited for amateur performance, and strongly recommended.

A Drama in Four Acts by Charles Townsend. Eight male, four female characters. This play has no villains, no tangled plot nor sentimental love scenes; yet the climaxes are strong, the action brisk, and the humor genial, and the characters strongly drawn. Can be played in any hall; scenery, of the easiest sort. Properties, few and simple; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. Strongly recommended.

A Comedy Drama in Three Acts by Charles Townsend. Five males, four females. Modern costumes; scenes, two interiors and an exterior—the latter may be played as well in an interior, if preferred. Plays a full evening. A clever, up-to-date piece, well suited for amateur performance. No small parts; all good. Good plot, full of incident, no love-making, interest strong and sustained.

A Comedy Drama in Four Acts by Charles S. Bird. Seven males, three females; two male parts can be doubled. Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. Plays two hours. An unusually sympathetic play, well suited to amateurs. Clean and easy to get up. Recommended to high schools. All the parts are good.

A Collection of Entertainments for Church or Lodge Performance, Adapted to any Sect or Community

In this volume we have assembled several entertainments calling for a large number of characters such as are in demand for Church and Sunday-School performance in order to employ the services of as many of the children as possible. With these are offered several other popular pieces, new and old.

This volume offers eight entertainments, old and new, intended for the use of schools and carefully selected to that end. Cleanliness and dramatic interest have been the chief criteria in selection, but the effort has also been made, where this could be done without obtruding it, to embody improving suggestion. The wise youngsters of this advanced generation scent a “moral” afar off and are prone to repel its stern advances, but it is always possible to surround the pill of improvement with a palatable jam of fun.

This collection gives an admirable opportunity to make choice at a small cost of an entertainment for schools or amateur theatricals. All the pieces that it contains have been successful as independent books and are very varied in casts and character.

An Entertainment in One Scene by Jessie A. Kelley. Twenty-two males and twenty females are called for, but one person may take several parts and some characters may be omitted. The stage is arranged as a country store and post-office in one. Costumes are rural and funny. Plays a full evening. Full of “good lines” and comical incident and character. Strongly recommended for church entertainments or general use; very wholesome and clean.

A Comedy in Three Acts by Belle Marshall Locke. Ten females. Scenery, two interiors; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. A bright and interesting play full of action and incident. Can be strongly recommended. All the parts are good. Sarah Jane Lovejoy, Katie O’Connor and Euphemia Addison are admirable character parts, and Miss Alias and Miss Alibi, the “silent sisters,” offer a side-splitting novelty.

A Farce in Three Acts by Bertha Currier Porter. Eight females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors. Plays an hour and a half. A bright and graceful piece, light in character, but sympathetic and amusing. Six contrasted types of girls at boarding-school are shown in a novel story. Lots of fun, but very refined. Easy to produce and can be strongly recommended.

A Comedy in Four Acts by Evelyn Gray Whiting. Fourteen females. Costumes, modern; scenes, three interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. Very strong and sympathetic and of varied interest. Irish comedy; strong “witch” character; two very lively “kids”; all the parts good. Effective, easy to produce, and can be strongly recommended as thoroughly wholesome in tone as well as amusing.

A Comedy in Three Acts by Evelyn Gray Whiting. Four males, seven females. Scene, an interior; costumes, modern. A domestic comedy looking steadfastly at the “bright side” of human affairs. Mrs. Briggs is an admirable part, full of original humor and quaint sayings, and all the characters are full of opportunity. Simply but effectively constructed, and written with great humor. Plays two hours.

A Farce in Three Acts by Marie J. Warren. Three males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors. Plays an hour and a half. Originally produced by students of Wellesley College. A very original and entertaining play, distinguished by abundant humor. An unusually clever piece, strongly recommended.

Seven males, three females. Costumes, modern; scenery, one exterior scene, not changed. Plays two hours. The safe at Irving’s factory is robbed and three persons are under suspicion, which finally settles most strongly on Verne Gale, the hero, who, to protect Hal Irving, old Irving’s son, whom his sister Nellie loves and whom he believes to be the real culprit, keeps his mouth shut save for protesting his own innocence. “Uncle” Tim Purdy is loyal to him and, with the aid of Pete Adams, the colored pitcher of the Westvale nine, finally discovers the real culprit. A strong play with unusual strength and variety of character and abundance of humorous lines and incidents. Very highly recommended.

Four males, four females. Costumes, modern; two easy interiors. Plays an hour and a half. Mr. Brown exhausts all the resources of science, including smallpox and diphtheria signs, in an endeavor to keep away the admirers of his daughter whom he wishes to keep at home. He finally asks Dr. Chester, who is privately in love with her, to help him to dissuade her from becoming a trained nurse. The doctor does so by marrying her himself. Very clever and amusing; full of wit and of high tone. Strongly recommended.

Seven males, two females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors. Plays an hour and a half. A very funny play intended for performance by boys or young men.

Six males, two females. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors. Plays an hour and a quarter. Very lively and funny; intended for performance by boys or young men.

Six male characters. Costumes, modern; scenery, two interiors. Plays an hour and a half. An exceptionally brisk and humorous piece intended for male characters only.

A Farcical Comedy in Three Acts by Anthony E. Wills. Six males, four females. Modern costumes. Scene, an interior, the same for all three acts. Plays a full evening. A lively, up to-date farce, easy to produce and full of laughs from beginning to end. All the parts good—no small ones. German comedy characters for both male and female, and “wild west” character part and English character comedy. Strongly recommended.

A Comedy in Three Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Five male, six female characters. Costumes, modern; scenery, two easy interiors. Plays two hours. In a lighter vein than this writer’s other pieces, but just as strong, and offers plenty of comedy. All the parts good; four call for strong acting. Several good character parts and effective heavy character. Dialogue especially good. A sure hit.

A Drama in Four Acts by Arthur Lewis Tubbs. Six males, six females. Scenery, two interiors and an exterior. Costumes, modern. An admirable play for amateurs, very sympathetic in theme, and with lots of good parts. Hetty is a strong lead, and Perry Deane and Silas great parts; while Azariah, Lizy Ann Tucker and Verbena are full of fun. Plays a full evening.

A Comedy in Three Acts by Harold A. Clarke. Six males, five females. Scenery, two interiors; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. A bright and up-to-date farce comedy of the liveliest type. All the parts good; full of opportunity for all hands. Easy to produce and strongly recommended. Good tone; might answer for schools, but is a sure hit for amateur theatricals. Professional stage rights reserved.

A Comedy in Three Acts by Bell Elliot Palmer. Three males, five females. Scene, an interior, the same for all three acts; costumes, modern. Plays an hour and a half. A clever and interesting comedy, very easy to produce and recommended for amateur performance. All the parts good. A safe piece for a fastidious audience, as its theme and treatment are alike beyond reproach.

A Farce in Three Acts by Bertha Currier Porter. Five males, four females. Costumes, modern; scenery, an exterior and an interior. Plays an hour and a half. An exceptionally bright and vivacious little piece, full of action. Gadsby’s adventures with the fiancées of three of his friends are full of interest and fun. All the parts good. Well suited for high school performance.

Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed.

Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, especially commercial redistribution.

START: FULL LICENSE

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at www.gutenberg.org/license.

Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™ electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property (trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the United States and you are located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™ works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when you share it without charge with others.

1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any country other than the United States.

1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™ trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.

1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™ License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™.

1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project Gutenberg™ License.

1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website (www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works provided that:

• You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.”

• You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™ License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™ works.

• You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of receipt of the work.

• You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works.

1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.

1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE.

1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.

1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any Defect you cause.

Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™

Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org.

Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit 501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws.

The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact

Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations ($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate.

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate

Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.

Most people start at our website which has the main PG search facility: www.gutenberg.org.

This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™, including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.

Hans Seitz, not proprietor; he “owns der blace”	Mr. Jno. Welker
Gretch, his daughter, “I bane tink”	Miss Katie Siren
Samp L. Case, a knight of the road	Mr. Chas. Huth
Antonio Bootlashoesa Morecheesa, a lost dago	Mr. Seiler
Weber Fields, of darker hue	Mr. Calvin Helmke
Rusty Ruffles, no account; “in-cog”	Mr. Paul Stuart
Bell Hop, the wise kid	Mr. Edw. Luft
Miss Gotrox, one of the boarders	Miss Olga Tate
Archibald Nutt, mother’s pet	Mr. Gus Duble

Scene	Lobby of the hotel “On-de-Blink.”
Grand Olio
Song	Italy	Mr. Seiler
Song	Cover Your Garbage Can	Mr. Helmke
Song	Can I Trust You In the Same Old Way	Mr. Huth
Song	Vould dot Tickle Der Kaiser	Mr. Welker
Song	Rat-proofing New Orleans	Mr. Stuart

Scene	The same.
Olio
Song	Roll on Beautiful World	Miss Tate
Song	The Little Old Ford Rambled On	Mr. Helmke
Song	You Couldn’t Hardly Notice It at All	Miss Siren
Song	When You Wore a Tulip	Mr. Welker assisted
Quartette	Selected airs Welker, Huth, Helmke, Seiler	Finale

At Hotel On-de-Blink